All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s03e10 Spanking.ng

"Last man standing" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Ah, thanks, Ryan.
That was an amazing dinner.

It was amazing you paid for it. I
didn't realize you had a wallet.

We wanted to pay you guys back

for always helping out
so much with Boyd.

That one dinner was payback
for five years

of watching your kid
and paying for everything?

I should have ordered the steak
with a side of gold doubloons.

Dad, why are you watching
the wedding channel?

You got seven remotes.

I've been hitting buttons
for an hour.

Well, that explains
why the garage door is open.

How long has he been out?

Since right before taneesha
said yes to that dress.

Did Boyd behave himself?

- Oh, yes. He was a very good boy.
- Oh, good.

I just had to spank him
the one time.

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You spanked my son?

Bud, I-I really don't think
you should have done that.

Oh, it's all right.
My shoulder's fine.

I-I just gave him
the one quick SWAT.

What exactly happened, bud?

I told him to bring his plate
into the kitchen.

He said, "make me."

And I did.

By the way,
the kid broke a plate.

G-grandpa, we never hit Boyd.

That explains
why he looked so surprised.

We don't control Boyd
with anger and fear, okay?

We prefer
a-a reward-punishment system.

They have a chart with stickers.

Nothing puts the fear of God in a
kid more than a yellow frowny face.

All right, well,
I inspected Boyd's behind.

This incident
didn't leave any scars.

Except the fact that his dad
inspected his behind.

Boyd, sweetie, grandpa bud
made a big, big mistake, okay?

And we promise that no one
will ever spank you again.

All right, enough with this.

I'm not a big fan
of spanking, either, dad,

but let's not throw all options
out the window

like Obama with the iranians.

"No matter what you do,
we're not gonna bomb you.

- "Go ahead."

- Oh, really, Mike? There's
a country out there

that this drone-loving president
hasn't bombed yet?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can't attack him
from the left.

That would mean
I've got to defend him.

Okay, you know, maybe we should
just get Boyd home, yeah?

I don't want to go home!

I want to watch TV
with grandpa bud!

We were watching
this show about bras

till I pressed the wrong button.

And in case anybody was worried,

this one seemed very interested.

I want to stay!

Boyd, if you cooperate,

I promise we'll get you
some froyo.

Froyo! Froyo! Froyo!

Look at that kid.

I remember being excited
about things.

Good night, you guys.
Thanks for dinner.

Yeah, thanks for dinner.
Drive safe, all right?

And that is the reason
Boyd has a discipline problem.

Every time he acts up,
they just bribe him with sugar.

You know,
I never bribed the girls

or used spanking as punishment.

You know,
that's just lazy parenting.

I get it, Michael.

You don't want me
spanking the kid.

No, I just don't think
it should be

the only tool in the toolbox,

like it was with Jimmy and me.

You saying
that I'm a lousy father?

I didn't say "lousy."
"Lazy" is what I said.

I never had to do that
with the girls.

I just had to go with the look.

You get the, "oh..."

Well, that might have worked
with the girls,

but it wouldn't have slowed down
you and your brother.

You two were hell-raisers.

- Uh, can I ask you something, Vanessa?
- Yes.

Does Mike pick up his socks?

You're welcome.

Honey, honey, you were
a little hard on your father.

I think you hurt his feelings.

Dad doesn't have any feelings.

He's 99% gristle.
The rest is fake hip.

Yeah, well, you called him
a lazy parent

because he... he spanked
you and Jimmy once or twice.

More than once or twice.

He's the reason I can't put
a wallet in my back pocket.

So you think
bud crossed the line?

No, it was the '60s.

Minorities wanted their rights.
Women wanted their rights.

Somebody was gonna get smacked.

You know, I occasionally spanked
when the girls were little. - I know.

Does that make me a lazy parent?

I never said anything
about that at the time

'cause I was afraid
that you'd come after me.

Oh!

Now, you're probably gonna
run into a bear out there,

and they're dangerous.

So the most important thing
to remember

is to never, ever...

Mandy: Hey, baby.

Oh, there's my girlfriend.
Excuse me.

- Hey. What are you doing here?
- Hi.

Well, I was shopping
at the mall,

and I saw something
that made me think of you.

Was it that guy at the kiosk
who sells cellphone cases?

Because he looks just like me.

Except he's got
way more phone cases.

No. It was this.

This made you think of me?

Mm-hmm. 'Cause you're gonna look
really good wearing it.

How do you know?

I got the phone-case guy
to try it on.

Let me see.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God! Shut up!

- Hey, I got a question for you.
- Uh-huh.

How do you feel about spanking?

Well, it can spice up
a relationship.

A little advice, though.

Write down your safe word.

I'm talking about spanking kids.

Thanks for that mental picture.

See, I never spanked my kids,
but then again,

I wasn't around much
when they were small.

I mean,
it would be kind of weird

just to come in swinging,
you know.

Never stopped bing Crosby.

My dad was watching Boyd
last night.

Evidently he spanked him.

I said something about it.

And the wife thinks I might have
hurt my dad's feelings.

What did you say?

I said it was lazy parenting.

And you told him
he was a terrible father.

- No, I didn't say that.
- That's what he heard.

I think you're making
too much of this.

You're saying
that I'm a doddering old fool,

doesn't know
what he's talking about.

- I didn't say that.
- That's what I heard.

Mike, sometimes you don't know
how you come off.

I'll have a chat with my dad.

You don't want to leave
something like that hanging in the air.

You don't know how much longer
he's gonna be around.

Hmm. So what you're saying
is if I wait long enough,

the problem
will take care of itself.

- Tallahassee!
- What?

My safe word.

Hold the phone, Mikey.

You want to see something
hilarious?

Every time you say something's
hilarious, it never is.

Until now.

All right,
what's the play here, huh?

Do we ignore the stupid hat

so we can laugh
every time we see it?

Or do we mention the hat

and run the risk
of him taking it off?

Sophie's choice.

Kyle, come in here, please.

You ready?

- Mm-hmm.
- Here we go.

Hey, Kyle. Come on in.

Sirs.

[Chuckles]

Son, maybe you can help
Mike and me

with a marketing problem.

Sure.

Yes, w-we need
a research ambassador.

We're having trouble reaching
the douchebag population.

And if you're not too busy
making your special blue meth...

I get it.
This is about my new ha...

hold on a second.
I'm not done yet.

Old-timer,
you want to go down to the park

and play some checkers?

I've got a good one.

Buster keaton called,
says he wants his hat back.

[Chuckles]

Eh?

Boy, there was
a fresh reference.

Well, I'm getting back to work.

Ed.

Kid rock.

[Chuckles]

I knew you guys would give me
the business about my hat.

Mandy's really excited
for me to wear it.

Yeah, of course.
Of course she is.

Yeah, she's planting her flag
on top of your head.

If another woman approaches you,

the first thing
she's gonna ask is,

"where did you get the hat?"

Oh, my girlfriend gave it to me.

Oh!

That's what she's up to.

Oh, yeah.
She's branded you like a cow.

That hat
tells every woman on earth

that this guy is taken.

It's like she's got me
wrapped around her finger.

That's right, kid.

And I... Love it!

[Chuckles]

I'll take it!

Back off, girls.

Property of Mandy
coming through.

Hey, you two.
Staying for dinner?

No, thanks.
I just had two candy bars.

Wow. Two candy bars.
You know what?

That's exactly
what I'm making for dinner.

Boyd, sweetie, honey,

uh, why don't you run upstairs
and play, okay?

Remember, mommy loves you
very, very, very much!

I am the worst mother ever.

Oh, honey, stop.
Candy bars aren't so bad.

Once for dinner, I fed you
a handful of breath mints.

No, today I-I-I lost my temper,

and I-I did something...

something
I never thought that...

mom, I spanked Boyd.

You spanked Boyd?

What did he do?

Gave me the most profound
look of betrayal

I have ever seen in my life.

Why did you spank Boyd?

W-we were in the parking lot
at whole foods...

- Mm-hmm.
- And I-I looked away for one second,

and... and he ran out
in front of a car,

so I grabbed him
and I smacked him on the butt.

I-I don't know
what came over me.

Maternal instinct...
that's what came over you.

Honey, you were being
a very good mother.

You protected your son
from death,

and you bought him
overpriced organic produce.

Hmm?

Don't worry about it.

I would have done
exactly the same thing.

Yeah, I know you would, mom.

That's what makes it even worse.

What?

Don't you understand?

Okay, you... you hit me.
I hit Boyd.

We are perpetuating
a cycle of violence, okay?

Someday, Boyd
will probably hit his kids.

This family
will never know peace.

So... so you hitting Boyd
is somehow my fault?

B-but you're a victim
as much as I am.

Okay, I'm sure
your folks hit you.

Kristin, I spanked you
maybe a total of twice,

and that's not a cycle.

That's restraint.

Hey, mom. What's for dinner?

Apparently a legacy
of parental abuse.

And salad.

And if you're still hungry,
there's tic tacs in my purse.

I don't really get
this new diet she's on.

No, no. Mom is just upset

because I confronted her
about what she did to us.

Good.

Somebody needs to call her
on her crap.

What did she do to us?

You know,
how she used to spank us.

Spank us? You mean at scrabble?

She must have spanked me
in the head,

'cause I don't remember
any of this.

You're telling me
mom never swatted your butts?

[Laughs] "Butts."

W-w-what about all those times

that she would drag you
into your room with a hairbrush?

She was brushing my hair.

You were screaming and crying.

Yeah, 'cause there were tangles.

Was I the only one
mom ever spanked?

- She does high-five really hard.
- Yeah.

Oh, I saw her SWAT muffin once
with a newspaper,

so maybe you guys
could form a support group!

[Sighs]

"Hello, everyone,
my name is muffin,

and I'm a victim of spanking."

Unbelievable.

You know, it... I...

hey, hey.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There was this one time
she, uh...

No, that was a hug.

[Laughs]

[Knock on door]

- Hey, dad.
- Son.

Knew it was you.

You're the only one
that still knocks.

We have a doorbell.

Oh, forgive me
for trying to save you

a couple of bucks
on electricity.

I left my nicotine gum here
the other night.

I really need it

since I switched
to those light cigarettes.

So that's what that is.

I thought it was a chiclet
that had gone bad.

Explains why I couldn't stop
chewing it.

It's a pretty good game.

Want to stick around and watch?

I guess.

You know, the other night,

when I was talking
about spanking,

I think you might have taken me
the wrong way.

You were pretty clear.

I hit you too much.

Open that, would you?

Look... You spanked us
and we knew why.

You know, you never took it
too far, dad.

Well, I wasn't giving you
my fastball.

I'm just saying, it was nothing
we didn't deserve.

Kids shouldn't be
throwing each other out windows,

lighting each other on fire,

or stealing a car.

You stole my car?

That's how we got the dent
in the bonneville?

No.

That's where Jimmy landed

when I tossed him
out the window.

You did a great job raising us.

Eh.

I-I've been thinking
about it, too.

I really did some damage
with that hitting.

It's my fault
how you turned out.

What, uh, smart, handsome,
and successful?

No.

You know... Sensitive.

"Sensitive"?
You mean insensitive.

Vanessa's always complaining
about something.

If I were sensitive,
I could tell you what it was.

Son, I was too rough on you,

and as a result,
you can't spank your own kids.

That's called self-control, dad.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

I know you got a lot of them.

What are you talking about?

I remember once, you wrote
this poem about a flower.

What are you...

it was a school project.
You had to write about a flower.

But you didn't have to get
an "a."

It's all right, son.
I love you just the way you are.

Sensitive.

[Doorbell rings]

Got it!

Boyd: Daddy!

Ah! Oh, there's my big guy.

Hi, dude. How was your day?

We went to whole foods.

Anything exciting happen there?

What? Why would anything happen
at whole foods?

Uh, I don't know.

You know, they're always doing
great new stuff with soy.

Hey, do you think
your mom would mind

if I made myself a little
sandwich before I leave?

I think she'd be shocked
if you didn't.

Boyd, hey, honey.

Sweetie, come here
for a sec, okay?

Listen, I was thinking,

and maybe
we shouldn't tell daddy

about what happened today
at the store.

You mean the two ladies
in man clothes

that were kissing?

Oh, no, no. No, honey.

T-that was beautiful, okay?
And natural.

I-I mean... I mean
how you ran away from me

and I gave you a little spank.

You and daddy promised
you'd never do that.

[Sighs]

I know. I know.
And I'm sorry, okay?

But... but talking about it

will probably
just upset daddy, so...

okay. I won't tell him.

Thank you! Oh, you're the best.

Can we get ice cream?

No, honey.
It's too close to dinner.

I think you should get me
some ice cream.

I said no.

Daddy!

Boyd! Hey!

You said you wouldn't
say anything.

Daddy always gives me treats

when he wants me
to do something.

Unbelievable.

Okay, I gave you two candy bars.
You said we were good.

A-and this is what comes from
you constantly bribing our son.

Now Boyd won't obey me
unless I give him ice cream.

Okay. All right.

Boyd, if you promise to stop
asking for ice cream,

daddy will get you sorbet.

What... really? Sorbet?

Well, it's not ice cream.

We cannot keep reinforcing
bad behavior

by stuffing this kid with sugar.

Okay, what are you trying
to get him to do?

I-I don't even remember anymore.

You didn't want me to tell daddy
you spanked me.

You spanked him?

You have seen

your last bowl of ice cream,
mister.

Kris, we said
that we would never spank him.

What the hell happened?
Yeah, I d...

oh, she didn't tell you about
our family's cycle of violence?

My ancestors
landed at Plymouth rock,

the Indians brought us corn,

and we whacked our kids with it.

Ryan, you weren't there, okay?

He almost ran out
in front of a car.

Okay, so you save him
from getting hit, and then you hit him?

Uh, guys, I don't think you
should be having this argument

in front of Boyd.

[Sighs] Hey, Boyd, will
you please go to your room?

I don't want to.

Boyd, please, just do
what you're told, okay?

No.

Enough of this!
Boyd, listen to your mother!

Go to your room right now!

What are you thinking about?
Listen!

Hey. Whoa, dad.

Dad, was that really necessary?

Uh, actually, I think it was.

Listen, I'm only
gonna say this once.

And you do not
want to upset him,

or he'll draw you a flower.

You're making too much
out of this spanking thing.

I am not making
too much of this.

People keep spanking my son.

- Mahatma Gandhi once said...
- Shut up!

Listen.

You didn't do anything wrong
when you spanked Boyd

or when you spanked kris
or when you spanked me,

and I didn't do anything wrong
when I didn't spank anybody.

Nobody here is a bad parent.

Well, thank you, Mike.

Except you.

How do you discipline a kid
with ice cream?

Our system works for our family.

But not in this family
right here.

That 6-year-old is running
this house right now.

Yeah, dad is completely right.

Of course he is.

He feels things more deeply
than the rest of us.

Look, parenting is hard.

We're all trying to figure
this stuff out as we go,

and there's no book
to tell you how to do it.

There are literally
thousands of books.

What book
do you guys parent with...

"how to raise a kid"
by Ben and Jerry?

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

You know, I-I guess I just don't
like disappointing my son.

I was out of his life
for three years,

and that just makes me
want to spoil him.

Well, that's not
what parenting's all about.

That's what
grandparenting's about.

You're not his friend.

If your kid likes
how he's being disciplined,

you're probably doing it wrong.

Okay. Fine. No more bribing.

But no more spanking, either.

Agreed.

Okay, but when he does
something wrong,

there has to be
some sort of consequence.

And he's not gonna like
the consequence.

You got to be all right
with that.

You know what I like
about football?

That you can bring it up
in the middle of a conversation

that has nothing to do
with anything?

There are clear rules

and penalties
when you break them.

Remember when the refs
went on strike?

The scabs didn't know the rules,

there was chaos on the field,

and I lost $400
on that packers-seahawks game.

Sorry. I'm...

yeah, I'm really new
to football, so...

Son, you can't be afraid
to throw a flag.

Boyd is looking at you
to enforce the rules.

And when you do, he'll be happy.

You'll both be happy.

Okay.

Thank you both.

Nice work.

Not bad for my first try
at being sensitive.

- Hey!
- Hey.

[Gasps]

Ooh! I like
that you're wearing your hat.

Of course I am. I love it.

In fact, I got you a little

"thank you for my present"
present.

Oh, my God! I-it's not a hat.

I shouldn't ruin the surprise.

It might be a hat.

It's not a hat.

Oh, my God.

You went out
and got me something

just 'cause I got you something?

- Yeah, I know I didn't have to.
- No, no, no, no!

Let's, like,
make this our thing, you know?

[Squealing] I'm so excited!

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

"Mandy & Kyle."

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Do you like it?

No. That's why I said,
"you shouldn't have."

I knew I should have sprung
for the real rhinestones.

I-I got that for you

for the same reason
you got me my hat.

I'm marking you as my property.

I'm branding you... like a cow.

I didn't give you the hat
'cause I wanted to mark you.

You weren't telling other girls
to back off?

Well, no.
I mean, I got you that hat

'cause I don't really like
your style.

What's wrong with my style?

Okay, honey, the way
that you dress is like,

um...

Like if a lumberjack
and a drifter had a baby.

And then you asked for
fashion advice from that baby.

So you're saying
I'm not good enough the way I am

and you want to change me?

Yes.

All right! [Chuckles]

You like me so much,
you want to change me!

Yeah.

I always knew I wasn't good
enough, but now you can fix me.

Yes!

Yes!

So the first thing
we're gonna do is return this

and buy more stuff
to make you amazing!

[Chuckles]

Hey, do I know you?

Yeah. Susan.

We live next door to each other.

Kyle.

You kept throwing your garbage
through my window.

You thought
it was a trash chute.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, the guy that lives
down the trash chute.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

I really like your hat.

Thanks.

Well, I'll see you around, Kyle.

Stop by sometime.

All right.

[Chuckles]

She's pretty.

I think she's on a beer poster.

All right,
should we get to the mall

and turn me into a dreamboat?

Yeah, give me that hat.
We're not going to the mall.

Why?

Because!

You need to save your money

so you can move out
of that apartment.

Could this day get any better?

I'm getting a new apartment,

and I get to stop by
Susan's later.

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www.Addic7ed.Com

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