Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:00:02,692 --> 00:00:16,856
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
2
00:00:34,550 --> 00:00:35,629
Ahem.
3
00:00:35,712 --> 00:00:37,632
They're ready for you.
4
00:00:40,152 --> 00:00:42,052
Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
5
00:00:42,052 --> 00:00:43,290
Bournemouth.
6
00:00:43,291 --> 00:00:45,011
But you don't know the others.
7
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,130
No, but I'm familiar with you.
8
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:49,650
Why do you want to be an MP?
9
00:00:49,651 --> 00:00:52,129
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
10
00:00:52,130 --> 00:00:55,411
and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.
11
00:00:56,451 --> 00:00:57,729
Go again from the top.
12
00:00:57,730 --> 00:01:01,249
I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idol
13
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:02,809
has become a Scientologist.
14
00:01:02,810 --> 00:01:04,369
Speed up the autocue, please.
15
00:01:04,370 --> 00:01:06,529
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
16
00:01:06,530 --> 00:01:09,929
'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'
17
00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:11,169
They said show you this.
18
00:01:11,170 --> 00:01:12,651
This happened just now?
19
00:01:12,652 --> 00:01:13,330
Mm-hmm.
20
00:01:13,331 --> 00:01:14,810
Gladwell?
21
00:01:14,811 --> 00:01:17,529
"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -
22
00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:19,449
"over Twitter porn pics scandal."
23
00:01:19,450 --> 00:01:20,969
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
24
00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:23,249
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,
25
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:26,249
"resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondence
26
00:01:26,250 --> 00:01:27,449
"with a 15-year-old girl."
27
00:01:27,450 --> 00:01:30,449
So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?
28
00:01:30,450 --> 00:01:32,369
"Departure triggers a by-election
29
00:01:32,370 --> 00:01:34,809
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
30
00:01:34,810 --> 00:01:36,331
Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.
31
00:01:36,332 --> 00:01:37,370
Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:37,371 --> 00:01:39,611
Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.
33
00:01:39,612 --> 00:01:41,291
Anyone seen Jamie?
34
00:01:47,091 --> 00:01:48,170
Rach?
35
00:01:48,171 --> 00:01:50,449
'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.
36
00:01:50,450 --> 00:01:52,171
'You need to sort yourself out.'
37
00:01:52,172 --> 00:01:53,690
I am.
38
00:01:53,691 --> 00:01:56,171
'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'
39
00:01:56,172 --> 00:01:57,450
But it is not...
40
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,330
'He's a hit, Jamie.'
41
00:01:59,331 --> 00:02:01,810
"He." Not me, "he".
42
00:02:01,811 --> 00:02:03,450
'Just do your show.'
43
00:02:03,451 --> 00:02:05,291
I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...
44
00:02:06,531 --> 00:02:08,091
Jamie?
45
00:02:09,251 --> 00:02:10,851
Jamie, hurry up.
46
00:02:11,891 --> 00:02:14,371
What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
47
00:02:14,372 --> 00:02:16,090
Safe Tory seat.
48
00:02:16,091 --> 00:02:19,531
So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...
49
00:02:19,532 --> 00:02:22,370
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
50
00:02:22,371 --> 00:02:23,931
Yes.
51
00:02:25,371 --> 00:02:28,529
Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,
52
00:02:28,530 --> 00:02:30,609
but, well,
you want me to be honest.
53
00:02:30,610 --> 00:02:32,329
There's no point in pretending.
54
00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:36,731
Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?
55
00:02:36,732 --> 00:02:38,131
No.
56
00:02:39,371 --> 00:02:40,971
Except...
57
00:02:42,091 --> 00:02:44,731
I did commit a series
of murders in Huddersfield
58
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,730
between 1999 and 2003.
59
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,331
But apart from that...
60
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,610
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
61
00:02:54,611 --> 00:02:56,531
If you could leave via that door.
62
00:02:56,532 --> 00:02:58,290
Oh, that door?
63
00:02:58,291 --> 00:03:00,331
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
64
00:03:01,371 --> 00:03:02,891
Right, yes.
65
00:03:13,811 --> 00:03:17,091
Idiot. Idiot!
66
00:03:18,651 --> 00:03:22,171
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
67
00:03:22,172 --> 00:03:25,290
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
68
00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:28,970
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
69
00:03:28,971 --> 00:03:31,251
That position, presumably,
being hunched over
70
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,450
wanking madly at school kids.
71
00:03:33,451 --> 00:03:34,971
'A pal of Gladwell said...'
72
00:03:34,972 --> 00:03:35,890
You ready?
73
00:03:35,891 --> 00:03:37,170
Uh-huh.
74
00:03:37,171 --> 00:03:39,290
How old the girl wasn't.
75
00:03:39,291 --> 00:03:40,929
That's the sort of feeble excuse
76
00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:43,649
'only a naive school kid
would swallow -
77
00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,531
'which, presumably, was the idea.
78
00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:49,569
'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'
79
00:03:49,570 --> 00:03:52,811
The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
80
00:03:52,812 --> 00:03:55,491
in the disgraced paedophile
industry.
81
00:03:57,091 --> 00:03:59,651
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...
82
00:03:59,652 --> 00:04:01,930
Um, small change to the intro.
83
00:04:01,931 --> 00:04:03,010
What?
84
00:04:03,011 --> 00:04:06,089
- Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...
- That was my bit.
85
00:04:06,090 --> 00:04:08,809
- There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
- Bit politics.
86
00:04:08,810 --> 00:04:09,691
You can do politics.
87
00:04:09,692 --> 00:04:11,210
I do piss-taking.
88
00:04:11,211 --> 00:04:12,330
Go be Waldo.
89
00:04:12,331 --> 00:04:13,530
Yes, commander.
90
00:04:13,531 --> 00:04:15,449
'R Kelly believed he could fly,
91
00:04:15,450 --> 00:04:18,771
'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'
92
00:04:18,772 --> 00:04:20,850
Big ball blue bear bollocks.
93
00:04:20,851 --> 00:04:22,649
And now it's time
for our final visit
94
00:04:22,650 --> 00:04:25,089
to the world of educational
children's programming
95
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:26,689
courtesy of everyone's favourite,
96
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:30,091
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,
97
00:04:30,092 --> 00:04:31,451
Waldo.
98
00:04:34,371 --> 00:04:36,970
Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
99
00:04:36,971 --> 00:04:39,731
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
100
00:04:39,732 --> 00:04:43,090
Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this week
101
00:04:43,091 --> 00:04:46,089
I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.
102
00:04:46,090 --> 00:04:48,011
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
103
00:04:48,012 --> 00:04:50,290
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
104
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,091
Want to see how it panned out?
105
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:53,730
I think we should.
106
00:04:53,731 --> 00:04:55,091
Run VT!
107
00:05:07,971 --> 00:05:09,410
Hey, everybody!
108
00:05:09,411 --> 00:05:11,370
It's Waldo time!
109
00:05:11,371 --> 00:05:12,850
Yeah!
110
00:05:12,851 --> 00:05:14,410
Cool! Cool!
111
00:05:14,411 --> 00:05:17,370
Waldo-rrific!
112
00:05:17,371 --> 00:05:18,770
Ha-ha-ha!
113
00:05:18,771 --> 00:05:22,250
Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
114
00:05:22,251 --> 00:05:23,850
Hello, Mr Monroe.
115
00:05:23,851 --> 00:05:25,130
Hello, Waldo.
116
00:05:25,131 --> 00:05:28,291
Mr Monroe is a politician.
117
00:05:32,451 --> 00:05:34,930
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
118
00:05:34,931 --> 00:05:36,849
Well, a politician is someone
119
00:05:36,850 --> 00:05:39,531
who tries to make the
world a fairer place.
120
00:05:39,532 --> 00:05:41,090
Like Batman.
121
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,050
Not exactly like Batman.
122
00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,890
Do you beat people up?
123
00:05:44,891 --> 00:05:46,329
No, I don't beat people up.
124
00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:47,851
Oh, you're a pussy then?
125
00:05:49,691 --> 00:05:51,651
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...
126
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,211
You don't know what pussy is?
127
00:05:56,931 --> 00:05:59,491
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
128
00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:02,090
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
129
00:06:02,091 --> 00:06:03,371
Friends again?
130
00:06:13,131 --> 00:06:15,450
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
131
00:06:15,451 --> 00:06:16,609
Well done, really good.
132
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:17,849
So, we'll bring him over.
133
00:06:17,850 --> 00:06:19,689
You go and get him,
I'll explain about...
134
00:06:19,690 --> 00:06:21,291
'Now, he comes across...'
135
00:06:21,292 --> 00:06:22,810
Jamie!
136
00:06:22,811 --> 00:06:24,850
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
137
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:27,009
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
138
00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:29,089
- Jack freaks me out.
- Yeah, ditto,
139
00:06:29,090 --> 00:06:32,410
but he owns the company and the man he's
with is important and wants to talk to you.
140
00:06:33,371 --> 00:06:34,930
He's from the channel.
141
00:06:34,931 --> 00:06:36,490
Go on.
142
00:06:36,491 --> 00:06:38,649
- 'Honestly, all I'm saying...'
- 'Is he shy?'
143
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,889
'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'
144
00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:42,131
Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
145
00:06:42,132 --> 00:06:43,250
How do you do?
146
00:06:43,251 --> 00:06:44,450
Jim, Jack, James.
147
00:06:44,451 --> 00:06:45,770
Jamie.
148
00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:48,210
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
149
00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:51,211
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
150
00:06:52,331 --> 00:06:53,690
Toys out the pram.
151
00:06:53,691 --> 00:06:55,050
And that's...?
152
00:06:55,051 --> 00:06:56,410
Good press.
153
00:06:56,411 --> 00:06:58,649
It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,
154
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:01,329
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
155
00:07:01,330 --> 00:07:03,769
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.
156
00:07:03,770 --> 00:07:07,051
You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...
157
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:08,410
'Jack?'
158
00:07:08,411 --> 00:07:09,771
Excuse me.
159
00:07:11,251 --> 00:07:14,531
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
160
00:07:16,011 --> 00:07:19,051
Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,
161
00:07:19,052 --> 00:07:21,451
but we want to see more of Waldo.
162
00:07:23,531 --> 00:07:25,011
They want to do a pilot.
163
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:25,970
A Waldo pilot?
164
00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:28,131
Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
165
00:07:28,132 --> 00:07:30,290
Yeah. Sounds good.
166
00:07:30,291 --> 00:07:33,490
Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.
167
00:07:33,491 --> 00:07:34,971
Going to give it to 'em.
168
00:07:54,851 --> 00:07:57,609
But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.
169
00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,569
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
170
00:07:59,570 --> 00:08:01,169
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
171
00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:03,929
Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.
172
00:08:03,930 --> 00:08:06,129
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
173
00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:08,009
What about the Brown Knight?
174
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:09,569
What, the crap crusader?
175
00:08:09,570 --> 00:08:11,409
We can look into the Brown Knight.
176
00:08:11,410 --> 00:08:14,131
But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.
177
00:08:15,731 --> 00:08:19,089
The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.
178
00:08:19,090 --> 00:08:21,451
They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.
179
00:08:21,452 --> 00:08:23,410
So, we think round that.
180
00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,891
Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!
181
00:08:25,892 --> 00:08:28,051
Yeah! Ha-ha!
182
00:08:29,331 --> 00:08:31,130
He's awesome, isn't he?
183
00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:34,851
I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
184
00:08:37,211 --> 00:08:40,129
All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good shit?
185
00:08:40,130 --> 00:08:42,131
Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.
186
00:08:42,132 --> 00:08:43,610
Good.
187
00:08:43,611 --> 00:08:45,929
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
188
00:08:45,930 --> 00:08:48,649
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
189
00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:50,251
We should get Waldo down there.
190
00:08:51,049 --> 00:08:53,287
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
191
00:08:53,288 --> 00:08:56,489
We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.
192
00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:57,688
Like it.
193
00:08:57,689 --> 00:08:59,927
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,
194
00:08:59,928 --> 00:09:01,807
we just turn up
and just get under his skin.
195
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:03,047
I love that, I love it.
196
00:09:03,048 --> 00:09:03,887
We've done Monroe.
197
00:09:03,987 --> 00:09:05,266
But it was a great bit.
198
00:09:05,267 --> 00:09:07,786
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...
199
00:09:07,787 --> 00:09:11,146
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
200
00:09:11,147 --> 00:09:13,466
- Get people to vote for him?
- He's not real.
201
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:15,946
But people have stood as
fictional characters before.
202
00:09:15,947 --> 00:09:18,266
Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?
203
00:09:18,267 --> 00:09:20,546
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
204
00:09:20,547 --> 00:09:22,846
No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.
205
00:09:22,940 --> 00:09:26,019
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
206
00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:28,701
Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
207
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:47,783
'He's with a mum and baby group.'
208
00:09:47,784 --> 00:09:51,463
OK. Going live
in five... four... three two...
209
00:09:51,464 --> 00:09:54,142
'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'
210
00:09:54,143 --> 00:09:55,782
It's been incredibly informative
211
00:09:55,783 --> 00:09:58,984
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
212
00:09:58,985 --> 00:10:00,943
who were fantastic.
213
00:10:00,944 --> 00:10:03,463
Thank you, Naomi.
214
00:10:03,464 --> 00:10:05,344
Thank you for your time.
215
00:10:08,304 --> 00:10:09,783
Hey!
216
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:12,343
Hey, it's me Waldo.
217
00:10:12,344 --> 00:10:14,783
Oh. I like your trainers, man!
218
00:10:14,784 --> 00:10:17,302
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
219
00:10:17,303 --> 00:10:18,344
I've got stumps.
220
00:10:19,824 --> 00:10:20,623
He's out.
221
00:10:20,624 --> 00:10:22,703
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.
222
00:10:22,704 --> 00:10:24,822
Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?
223
00:10:24,823 --> 00:10:26,944
Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?
224
00:10:26,945 --> 00:10:29,423
They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!
225
00:10:29,424 --> 00:10:31,183
He said it!
226
00:10:31,184 --> 00:10:33,623
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
227
00:10:33,624 --> 00:10:35,542
- I'm sorry about this, Liam.
- Hey, I'm being snubbed!
228
00:10:35,543 --> 00:10:38,262
Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
229
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,502
It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!
230
00:10:40,503 --> 00:10:42,544
Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.
231
00:10:42,545 --> 00:10:43,544
Sure.
232
00:10:44,944 --> 00:10:46,544
Mr Monroe. Oi!
233
00:10:49,744 --> 00:10:51,943
'Stentonford Labour Party.'
234
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:53,864
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
235
00:10:53,865 --> 00:10:59,183
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
236
00:10:59,184 --> 00:11:00,864
This is like bloody Moonpig.
237
00:11:02,184 --> 00:11:03,864
Don't knock the free mail out.
238
00:11:06,024 --> 00:11:08,904
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.
239
00:11:08,905 --> 00:11:10,424
He doesn't have to.
240
00:11:16,304 --> 00:11:19,102
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
241
00:11:19,103 --> 00:11:21,942
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
242
00:11:21,943 --> 00:11:24,822
The license fee is something
that's very close to my heart...
243
00:11:24,823 --> 00:11:27,224
'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'
244
00:11:27,225 --> 00:11:29,823
Hey, over here! Hey, over here...
245
00:11:29,824 --> 00:11:31,823
Look over here, Mr Monroe...
246
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,622
The Conservative Party
have been, er...
247
00:11:33,623 --> 00:11:37,222
Have been arguing for a reduction
of the license fee for...
248
00:11:37,223 --> 00:11:39,182
- Good morning, everybody.
- Pardon?
249
00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:40,624
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
250
00:11:40,625 --> 00:11:41,863
I beg your pardon.
251
00:11:41,864 --> 00:11:43,943
I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
252
00:11:43,944 --> 00:11:45,462
We have argued for a further
reduction in the license fee...
253
00:11:45,463 --> 00:11:47,382
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
254
00:11:47,383 --> 00:11:49,182
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
255
00:11:49,183 --> 00:11:50,624
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
256
00:11:50,625 --> 00:11:54,623
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.
257
00:11:54,624 --> 00:11:56,863
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
258
00:11:56,864 --> 00:12:00,263
'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'
259
00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:03,824
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
260
00:12:05,104 --> 00:12:07,144
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
261
00:12:08,984 --> 00:12:10,743
'I'm not ignoring you.'
262
00:12:10,744 --> 00:12:12,943
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
263
00:12:12,944 --> 00:12:15,063
You made Waldo sad.
264
00:12:15,064 --> 00:12:18,584
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah.
265
00:12:20,264 --> 00:12:23,944
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...
266
00:12:23,945 --> 00:12:26,144
WA-A-A-A-A-A-A...
267
00:12:28,464 --> 00:12:31,304
Let him get a word in.
268
00:12:32,584 --> 00:12:36,063
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
269
00:12:36,064 --> 00:12:38,903
You are an image voiced
by a comedian -
270
00:12:38,904 --> 00:12:40,782
an alleged comedian,
more accurately.
271
00:12:40,783 --> 00:12:42,902
If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?
272
00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:44,864
And by "him" I mean me, knobber!
273
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:49,744
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
274
00:12:49,745 --> 00:12:52,543
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
275
00:12:52,544 --> 00:12:55,944
Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!
276
00:12:55,945 --> 00:12:57,704
Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!
277
00:12:59,224 --> 00:13:01,103
Uh-er-ha-ha!
278
00:13:01,104 --> 00:13:03,223
Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!
279
00:13:03,224 --> 00:13:06,783
Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh!
280
00:13:06,784 --> 00:13:08,184
Finished.
281
00:13:15,504 --> 00:13:17,303
Drink?
282
00:13:17,304 --> 00:13:18,904
I've got e-mails.
283
00:13:25,424 --> 00:13:28,503
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
284
00:13:28,504 --> 00:13:29,784
The Labour candidate.
285
00:13:31,624 --> 00:13:33,384
Did you read my background doc?
286
00:13:33,385 --> 00:13:34,544
Yes.
287
00:13:36,104 --> 00:13:38,584
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
288
00:13:48,224 --> 00:13:51,424
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...
289
00:13:51,425 --> 00:13:53,463
Are you my dad?
290
00:13:53,464 --> 00:13:56,384
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
291
00:13:58,184 --> 00:14:01,422
'..Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.
292
00:14:01,423 --> 00:14:03,942
'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaign
293
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,784
'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'
294
00:14:10,024 --> 00:14:12,064
Someone's bold? Do I know you?
295
00:14:12,065 --> 00:14:14,423
Nice way to greet a voter...
296
00:14:14,424 --> 00:14:16,383
Sorry, I thought you were...
297
00:14:16,384 --> 00:14:19,383
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
298
00:14:19,384 --> 00:14:22,942
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
299
00:14:22,943 --> 00:14:24,182
You're good at that!
300
00:14:24,183 --> 00:14:25,302
Because I am that.
301
00:14:25,303 --> 00:14:26,424
What? You're that thing?
302
00:14:26,425 --> 00:14:29,783
Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.
303
00:14:29,784 --> 00:14:34,143
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
304
00:14:34,144 --> 00:14:37,664
Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.
305
00:14:37,665 --> 00:14:38,783
Another one?
306
00:14:38,784 --> 00:14:40,224
OK. One.
307
00:14:44,424 --> 00:14:47,624
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...
308
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:48,663
No...
309
00:14:48,664 --> 00:14:51,384
like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...
310
00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:52,423
Shh!
311
00:14:52,424 --> 00:14:54,802
But your party leader has to show
up because it's a... mid-thing...
312
00:14:54,891 --> 00:14:56,090
Midterm by-election.
313
00:14:56,091 --> 00:14:57,132
Terminology tits.
314
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,331
You are 12!
315
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:00,290
So because leaderballs is there,
316
00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:03,330
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
317
00:15:03,331 --> 00:15:04,690
so it's good exposure.
318
00:15:04,691 --> 00:15:07,210
- You're not going to win, you know
you're not going to win...
- Come on, shh.
319
00:15:07,211 --> 00:15:09,252
You're not going to win though.
320
00:15:09,253 --> 00:15:10,291
Of course not.
321
00:15:10,292 --> 00:15:11,490
So, why not be honest?
322
00:15:11,491 --> 00:15:13,530
Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,
323
00:15:13,531 --> 00:15:14,970
"so here's what I think anyway."?
324
00:15:14,971 --> 00:15:18,412
- It doesn't work like that.
- Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.
325
00:15:18,413 --> 00:15:21,611
You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.
326
00:15:21,612 --> 00:15:25,531
I'm the voice of a blue bear...
327
00:15:25,532 --> 00:15:28,292
if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!
328
00:15:32,412 --> 00:15:33,491
I can't see!
329
00:15:33,492 --> 00:15:35,012
Hang on, there's a thing.
330
00:15:38,292 --> 00:15:41,892
Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?
331
00:15:46,332 --> 00:15:48,532
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
332
00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:49,892
Shit, really?
333
00:16:06,772 --> 00:16:07,811
You're amazing.
334
00:16:07,812 --> 00:16:08,971
Sorry?
335
00:16:08,972 --> 00:16:10,811
You're amazing?
336
00:16:10,812 --> 00:16:12,452
Oh, thank you!
337
00:16:36,172 --> 00:16:37,851
What's up?
338
00:16:37,852 --> 00:16:39,411
Nothing.
339
00:16:39,412 --> 00:16:40,732
Are you sure?
340
00:16:45,732 --> 00:16:47,172
It's just...
341
00:16:51,172 --> 00:16:53,892
I haven't been happy in a while...
342
00:16:55,892 --> 00:16:58,691
and this is good, you know?
343
00:16:58,692 --> 00:16:59,732
Hm.
344
00:17:09,892 --> 00:17:12,732
Can I... have your number?
345
00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:18,172
Yes!
346
00:17:35,372 --> 00:17:37,092
Where's our mark this morning?
347
00:17:37,093 --> 00:17:38,611
We're out on the road.
348
00:17:38,612 --> 00:17:40,732
Ooh... bien sur.
349
00:17:44,252 --> 00:17:52,011
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
350
00:17:52,012 --> 00:17:54,092
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
351
00:18:15,532 --> 00:18:22,372
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
352
00:18:25,092 --> 00:18:26,692
'You're right. Strong Tory.'
353
00:18:26,693 --> 00:18:27,971
'I warned you.'
354
00:18:27,972 --> 00:18:31,572
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
355
00:18:33,452 --> 00:18:35,012
I'm voting Waldo!
356
00:18:38,652 --> 00:18:40,971
I met Waldo last night.
357
00:18:40,972 --> 00:18:42,892
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
358
00:18:42,893 --> 00:18:44,011
He's fun.
359
00:18:44,012 --> 00:18:45,611
Fun?
360
00:18:45,612 --> 00:18:46,652
Mmm-hmm.
361
00:18:48,612 --> 00:18:51,212
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
362
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,771
Not really.
363
00:18:52,772 --> 00:18:54,412
Not really or no?
364
00:18:55,932 --> 00:18:57,172
Er, not really.
365
00:18:58,136 --> 00:18:59,335
Look, he's OK.
366
00:18:59,336 --> 00:19:00,535
He's a comedian -
367
00:19:00,536 --> 00:19:02,976
he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
368
00:19:05,016 --> 00:19:07,935
His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.
369
00:19:07,936 --> 00:19:09,015
But...
370
00:19:09,016 --> 00:19:10,896
Don't see him again.
371
00:19:17,576 --> 00:19:20,576
OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.
372
00:19:21,656 --> 00:19:24,694
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
373
00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:26,694
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
374
00:19:26,695 --> 00:19:29,774
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
375
00:19:29,775 --> 00:19:31,014
It's students, you'll walk it.
376
00:19:31,015 --> 00:19:32,774
I can't answer
serious questions...
377
00:19:32,775 --> 00:19:36,016
No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
378
00:19:47,696 --> 00:19:51,536
Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...
379
00:19:54,056 --> 00:19:59,336
Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?
380
00:20:14,816 --> 00:20:16,055
Hey.
381
00:20:16,056 --> 00:20:17,095
Oh, hi.
382
00:20:17,096 --> 00:20:19,294
- I thought we were going to...?
- Sorry - I've had a tough day...
383
00:20:19,295 --> 00:20:20,536
Right. Not even one?
384
00:20:20,537 --> 00:20:22,175
Sorry.
385
00:20:22,176 --> 00:20:23,736
Well, what about tomorrow?
386
00:20:25,176 --> 00:20:27,776
- Look, I can't, when this is happening,
I can't see you.
- What do you mean?
387
00:20:27,777 --> 00:20:28,896
I'm sorry.
388
00:20:41,438 --> 00:20:43,958
Do they think that
looks like Question Time?
389
00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:45,998
Yeah. It looks politicsy.
390
00:20:47,518 --> 00:20:49,437
Check the host.
391
00:20:49,442 --> 00:20:50,602
Jailbait Dimbleby.
392
00:20:58,162 --> 00:21:02,322
When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,
393
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:04,520
but we shouldn't patronise.
394
00:21:04,521 --> 00:21:07,919
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal of fence, that is
395
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,521
committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...
396
00:21:11,721 --> 00:21:14,039
Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.
397
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,399
Waldo, what do you think?
398
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,041
Mr Monroe, are you addicted?
399
00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,760
No.
400
00:21:18,761 --> 00:21:20,681
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?
401
00:21:23,481 --> 00:21:24,999
I think we have to ask ourselves...
402
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,479
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
403
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:32,401
And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?
404
00:21:34,161 --> 00:21:35,240
I mean why?
405
00:21:35,241 --> 00:21:36,400
Why? I mean why?
406
00:21:36,401 --> 00:21:38,400
I mean why? I mean why?
407
00:21:38,401 --> 00:21:39,919
I mean why? I mean why?
408
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:43,399
This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...
409
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,959
They laugh at you, Limbo.
410
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,439
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.
411
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,761
Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.
412
00:21:51,762 --> 00:21:54,560
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
413
00:21:54,561 --> 00:21:59,400
I'm... I'm... I'm
speaking about James Salter.
414
00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:00,681
Hm?
415
00:22:02,161 --> 00:22:04,440
Don't worry about it.
416
00:22:04,441 --> 00:22:06,520
That's your name, isn't it?
417
00:22:06,521 --> 00:22:09,041
James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
418
00:22:09,042 --> 00:22:11,960
He's 33 years old,
419
00:22:11,961 --> 00:22:15,799
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
420
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,319
You were in a sketch troupe
421
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,719
that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,
422
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,799
and the others moved on to
better things,
423
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,559
but your main achievement seems to
have been playing
424
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,239
the part of a corn on the cob
425
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,241
in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.
426
00:22:30,681 --> 00:22:32,559
I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.
427
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,719
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
428
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,561
Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.
429
00:22:38,562 --> 00:22:45,040
See, this is... this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
430
00:22:45,041 --> 00:22:46,560
He mocks.
431
00:22:46,561 --> 00:22:49,079
And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,
432
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,881
which is actually quite often,
he just swears.
433
00:22:52,881 --> 00:22:56,999
I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases the
434
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,079
process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.
435
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:05,679
So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?
436
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,761
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
437
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:11,560
Prove me wrong. Hm?
438
00:23:11,561 --> 00:23:13,640
Speak, Waldo.
439
00:23:13,641 --> 00:23:17,841
Please. Come on. Speak up.
440
00:23:21,001 --> 00:23:23,280
There you see, nothing.
441
00:23:23,281 --> 00:23:24,521
Oh, go fuck yourself.
442
00:23:26,641 --> 00:23:28,400
It's more swearing.
443
00:23:28,401 --> 00:23:29,680
You're a joke.
444
00:23:29,681 --> 00:23:30,959
You look less human than I do
445
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:33,121
and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.
446
00:23:36,401 --> 00:23:40,440
What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.
447
00:23:40,441 --> 00:23:43,359
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?
448
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:45,719
No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.
449
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:47,039
The vast majority do vote.
450
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:47,879
It's bullshit.
451
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,199
Surely this is enough?
452
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,799
You think you deserve respect.
453
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:51,879
Just common courtesy.
454
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,359
Because you went to public school
455
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:55,519
and believed you were
entitled to everything.
456
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:57,639
- Perhaps we could get back...
- Ad hominem nonsense...
457
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:58,719
Gwendolyn Harris...
458
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,839
Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they know
459
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,519
you don't give a shit about anything
outside your bubble.
460
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:07,239
What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?
461
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,039
You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?
462
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:11,121
No, of course not.
463
00:24:11,122 --> 00:24:15,520
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
464
00:24:15,521 --> 00:24:17,521
and in that way you're all the same.
465
00:24:17,522 --> 00:24:22,320
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
466
00:24:22,321 --> 00:24:24,800
Well, of course I think no...
467
00:24:24,801 --> 00:24:27,760
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
468
00:24:27,761 --> 00:24:29,639
Seriously, she's faker than him.
469
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,719
- For once I agree with Liam Monroe
in that this...
- Are you going to win?
470
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:35,919
Doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...
471
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,399
Tell them why you're here.
472
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:38,921
If we can't have anything
resembling a deba...
473
00:24:38,922 --> 00:24:40,961
Tell them why you're here.
474
00:24:44,121 --> 00:24:46,240
She's here to build a showreel.
475
00:24:46,241 --> 00:24:48,799
I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.
476
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,041
Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,
477
00:24:51,042 --> 00:24:52,320
to get on telly.
478
00:24:52,321 --> 00:24:54,919
She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here than
479
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,321
he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.
480
00:24:57,322 --> 00:24:58,520
Am I wrong?
481
00:24:58,521 --> 00:25:02,520
A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,
482
00:25:02,521 --> 00:25:03,801
and I can do this.
483
00:25:08,001 --> 00:25:09,881
Can I just make
a couple of points?
484
00:25:09,882 --> 00:25:11,600
Oh, shut up, you pebble.
485
00:25:11,601 --> 00:25:14,319
What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
486
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:17,321
And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.
487
00:25:17,322 --> 00:25:20,520
What are you for? What are you for?
488
00:25:20,521 --> 00:25:22,321
Thank you and goodnight.
489
00:26:13,081 --> 00:26:15,041
Jamie.
490
00:26:16,841 --> 00:26:18,001
Jamie?
491
00:26:19,641 --> 00:26:21,961
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
492
00:26:23,361 --> 00:26:24,441
You can't avoid it.
493
00:26:29,801 --> 00:26:33,081
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
494
00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:49,641
'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,
495
00:26:49,642 --> 00:26:51,960
'it's clearly tapped a nerve.
496
00:26:51,961 --> 00:26:54,719
'In just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.
497
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,639
'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million times
498
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,961
'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on Waldo
499
00:27:01,962 --> 00:27:04,760
'to form a national party.'
500
00:27:04,761 --> 00:27:06,480
'You're a joke.
501
00:27:06,481 --> 00:27:09,519
'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
502
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,719
'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you?
503
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,399
'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.
504
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:18,361
'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.
505
00:27:18,362 --> 00:27:21,161
'No-one takes you (BLEEP)
seriously.'
506
00:27:29,361 --> 00:27:31,559
Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!
507
00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,281
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
508
00:27:33,282 --> 00:27:34,281
Shitifying.
509
00:27:35,801 --> 00:27:37,399
You are everywhere, my son.
510
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,521
Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?
511
00:27:39,522 --> 00:27:41,720
You're in third place, mate.
512
00:27:41,721 --> 00:27:43,359
You overtook that Lib Dem prick...
513
00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,001
- Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
- This is an opportunity, Jamie.
514
00:27:46,002 --> 00:27:48,040
He knows my name now.
515
00:27:48,041 --> 00:27:49,839
We could really do something here.
516
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,199
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
517
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,041
And Waldo gives that a voice.
518
00:27:54,042 --> 00:27:56,800
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
519
00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,400
Tell him, Tams.
520
00:27:58,401 --> 00:28:00,640
We've been asked on Consensus.
521
00:28:00,641 --> 00:28:04,041
It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.
522
00:28:04,042 --> 00:28:05,160
Pitbull Crane?
523
00:28:05,161 --> 00:28:06,239
Big guns for big guns.
524
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,519
Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.
525
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,879
We know that you hate politics.
526
00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:13,439
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
527
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,159
You don't need to be
interested in them.
528
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,481
You just need to be Waldo.
529
00:28:17,921 --> 00:28:21,401
And when Crane asks something tricky and I look
stupid because I don't know how to answer?
530
00:28:21,402 --> 00:28:23,480
You'll know the answer.
531
00:28:23,481 --> 00:28:25,241
Because you have a producer.
532
00:28:25,242 --> 00:28:28,720
Look, I can tell you what to say.
533
00:28:28,721 --> 00:28:31,639
I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,
534
00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:32,679
whatever else you need.
535
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:34,919
So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuff
536
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,481
and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.
537
00:28:37,482 --> 00:28:39,520
You'll piss all over Crane.
538
00:28:39,521 --> 00:28:41,599
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
539
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,199
Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
540
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,281
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
541
00:28:47,282 --> 00:28:49,721
Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?
542
00:28:52,782 --> 00:28:54,181
Jamie! Jamie!
543
00:28:54,182 --> 00:28:55,420
Why would I want to do this?
544
00:28:55,421 --> 00:28:58,460
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
545
00:28:58,461 --> 00:28:59,940
I don't know what you're on about.
546
00:28:59,941 --> 00:29:02,860
Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don't
547
00:29:02,861 --> 00:29:05,860
give a shit about anything
except trainers and pirating films.
548
00:29:05,861 --> 00:29:08,620
Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?
549
00:29:08,621 --> 00:29:12,220
Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
550
00:29:12,221 --> 00:29:13,580
They'll vote for Waldo.
551
00:29:13,581 --> 00:29:15,060
The video was a hit for a reason.
552
00:29:15,061 --> 00:29:17,380
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
553
00:29:17,381 --> 00:29:19,300
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -
554
00:29:19,301 --> 00:29:21,500
Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
555
00:29:21,501 --> 00:29:22,780
We can build on that.
556
00:29:22,781 --> 00:29:23,860
Waldo's not real.
557
00:29:23,861 --> 00:29:27,660
Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,
558
00:29:27,661 --> 00:29:29,220
but he's realer than all the others.
559
00:29:29,221 --> 00:29:30,900
He doesn't stand for anything.
560
00:29:30,901 --> 00:29:33,342
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
561
00:29:33,343 --> 00:29:35,861
Look we... we don't need politicians,
562
00:29:35,862 --> 00:29:38,700
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
563
00:29:38,701 --> 00:29:42,260
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
564
00:29:42,261 --> 00:29:46,020
Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
565
00:29:46,021 --> 00:29:48,900
That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.
566
00:29:48,901 --> 00:29:51,900
So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the most
567
00:29:51,901 --> 00:29:55,942
popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.
568
00:29:58,022 --> 00:29:59,861
Well, today it's Waldo.
569
00:29:59,862 --> 00:30:02,541
No. It's still the dog.
570
00:30:02,542 --> 00:30:05,180
Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can change
571
00:30:05,181 --> 00:30:07,220
if we fuck the politicians
out the equation?
572
00:30:07,221 --> 00:30:09,742
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
573
00:30:15,742 --> 00:30:17,781
Do you know who owns Waldo?
574
00:30:17,782 --> 00:30:18,982
I do, I own the rights.
575
00:30:21,542 --> 00:30:22,821
He's my character.
576
00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:24,462
Yeah, written for my show.
577
00:30:25,502 --> 00:30:30,221
You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.
578
00:30:30,222 --> 00:30:32,101
But also, fuck off!
579
00:30:32,102 --> 00:30:33,062
And watch me fly.
580
00:30:33,063 --> 00:30:35,502
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
581
00:30:38,182 --> 00:30:41,742
Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?
582
00:30:43,902 --> 00:30:45,182
Pretty close, I'd say.
583
00:30:50,852 --> 00:30:53,051
What's happenin'? Ahh!
584
00:30:53,058 --> 00:30:56,777
Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!
585
00:30:56,778 --> 00:30:58,136
Why is it going off left again?
586
00:30:58,137 --> 00:30:58,856
Because the...
587
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:01,218
- I know! I've got my...
- Put your thumb in the white thing.
588
00:31:01,219 --> 00:31:03,137
I got that. In there? OK.
589
00:31:03,138 --> 00:31:04,818
That's not how that works.
590
00:31:13,778 --> 00:31:18,137
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
591
00:31:18,138 --> 00:31:21,776
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
592
00:31:21,777 --> 00:31:25,136
Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.
593
00:31:25,137 --> 00:31:27,016
He doesn't even have a surname.
594
00:31:27,017 --> 00:31:31,418
He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.
595
00:31:31,419 --> 00:31:35,057
Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.
596
00:31:35,058 --> 00:31:36,217
Vote Waldo.
597
00:31:36,218 --> 00:31:39,576
Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdain
598
00:31:39,577 --> 00:31:42,378
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
599
00:31:45,018 --> 00:31:47,696
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
600
00:31:47,697 --> 00:31:50,938
ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?
601
00:31:52,138 --> 00:31:54,056
Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?
602
00:31:54,057 --> 00:31:57,496
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
603
00:31:57,497 --> 00:31:59,498
Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?
604
00:31:59,499 --> 00:32:00,577
No.
605
00:32:00,578 --> 00:32:02,058
Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?
606
00:32:02,059 --> 00:32:03,057
No, I...
607
00:32:03,058 --> 00:32:04,137
Bell-ends then?
608
00:32:04,138 --> 00:32:05,736
Did you come for a discussion
or...
609
00:32:05,737 --> 00:32:08,936
You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.
610
00:32:08,937 --> 00:32:11,776
You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.
611
00:32:11,777 --> 00:32:14,576
To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
612
00:32:14,577 --> 00:32:17,416
you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich
live on air.
613
00:32:17,417 --> 00:32:19,056
Make a nice prawn cocktail.
614
00:32:19,057 --> 00:32:21,216
Could we make a serious
political point that is...
615
00:32:21,217 --> 00:32:23,136
I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.
616
00:32:23,137 --> 00:32:25,016
- Would you like to have a look at it?
- Oh, God. Thank you.
617
00:32:25,017 --> 00:32:27,776
Great work tonight. Look at... Look
at this, look at this.
618
00:32:27,777 --> 00:32:30,936
It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
619
00:32:30,937 --> 00:32:32,776
so that when you're at a polling
station,
620
00:32:32,777 --> 00:32:34,338
it unlocks loads of free shit, look.
621
00:32:34,339 --> 00:32:38,337
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
622
00:32:38,338 --> 00:32:39,496
It's good, isn't it?
623
00:32:39,497 --> 00:32:40,936
Who's this guy we're meeting?
624
00:32:40,937 --> 00:32:44,858
I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.
625
00:32:48,218 --> 00:32:50,937
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
626
00:32:50,938 --> 00:32:51,577
Hey. Hey.
627
00:32:51,578 --> 00:32:52,856
And I'll leap right in.
628
00:32:52,857 --> 00:32:55,458
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
629
00:32:55,459 --> 00:32:56,777
From "the agency"?
630
00:32:56,778 --> 00:33:00,458
Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
631
00:33:00,459 --> 00:33:01,937
Waldo The Bear.
632
00:33:01,938 --> 00:33:04,976
The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
633
00:33:04,977 --> 00:33:06,496
- An assist?
- It helps.
634
00:33:06,497 --> 00:33:08,736
Right. You look at human
politicians,
635
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:11,576
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
636
00:33:11,577 --> 00:33:12,776
Like the girls in porn.
637
00:33:12,777 --> 00:33:15,296
You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
638
00:33:15,297 --> 00:33:16,976
It's usually daddy issues, eh?
639
00:33:16,977 --> 00:33:19,296
Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.
640
00:33:19,297 --> 00:33:21,778
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
641
00:33:21,779 --> 00:33:23,257
I'm a person.
642
00:33:23,258 --> 00:33:25,136
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
643
00:33:25,137 --> 00:33:28,778
He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.
644
00:33:28,779 --> 00:33:30,737
The honesty thing works.
645
00:33:30,738 --> 00:33:35,017
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.
646
00:33:35,018 --> 00:33:36,938
At the moment he's anti-politics,
647
00:33:36,939 --> 00:33:40,017
which is a political stance itself,
right?
648
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:42,936
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
649
00:33:42,937 --> 00:33:45,816
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
650
00:33:45,817 --> 00:33:49,696
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
651
00:33:49,697 --> 00:33:51,696
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
652
00:33:51,697 --> 00:33:54,898
and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.
653
00:33:54,899 --> 00:33:57,217
He's the perfect assassin.
654
00:33:57,218 --> 00:33:58,938
We won't win, though.
655
00:34:02,658 --> 00:34:04,657
You guys are so British.
656
00:34:04,658 --> 00:34:08,776
No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.
657
00:34:08,777 --> 00:34:11,978
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the whole
658
00:34:11,979 --> 00:34:16,377
nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
659
00:34:16,378 --> 00:34:20,857
but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,
660
00:34:20,858 --> 00:34:24,056
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle
661
00:34:24,057 --> 00:34:28,538
via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainment
662
00:34:28,539 --> 00:34:31,058
product people actually want.
663
00:34:32,578 --> 00:34:34,418
You could roll this out worldwide.
664
00:34:34,419 --> 00:34:36,337
Like Pringles.
665
00:34:36,338 --> 00:34:37,738
Absolutely.
666
00:34:42,578 --> 00:34:46,177
It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.
667
00:34:46,178 --> 00:34:47,976
When you're done with Stentonford,
668
00:34:47,977 --> 00:34:50,578
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
669
00:34:50,579 --> 00:34:52,217
Se puede hablar espanol?
670
00:34:52,218 --> 00:34:54,657
Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
671
00:34:54,658 --> 00:34:56,498
Excelente.
672
00:35:15,458 --> 00:35:16,578
What?
673
00:35:17,978 --> 00:35:19,537
He's not coming.
674
00:35:19,538 --> 00:35:22,137
But he's the party leader!
675
00:35:22,138 --> 00:35:23,258
It's too toxic.
676
00:35:26,858 --> 00:35:29,256
Meanwhile,
as support for Gwendolyn Harris
677
00:35:29,257 --> 00:35:30,536
appears to be dwindling,
678
00:35:30,537 --> 00:35:34,416
Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.
679
00:35:34,417 --> 00:35:37,098
But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talks
680
00:35:37,099 --> 00:35:38,338
at party headqu...
681
00:35:42,018 --> 00:35:46,298
In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...
682
00:35:47,538 --> 00:35:50,016
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
683
00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:52,098
She looks like she's been poisoned.
684
00:35:52,099 --> 00:35:54,497
Because he's gonna overtake her.
685
00:35:54,498 --> 00:35:55,896
We're still way ahead.
686
00:35:55,897 --> 00:35:59,218
If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.
687
00:36:01,898 --> 00:36:04,377
Which it may well be.
688
00:36:04,378 --> 00:36:05,898
But it built these roads.
689
00:36:14,018 --> 00:36:15,858
Just come in, Roy.
690
00:36:22,098 --> 00:36:23,858
I'm sorry, OK?
691
00:36:25,338 --> 00:36:27,776
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...
692
00:36:27,777 --> 00:36:30,218
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
693
00:36:31,378 --> 00:36:33,337
After the campaign!
694
00:36:33,338 --> 00:36:35,498
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
695
00:36:36,618 --> 00:36:40,456
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...
696
00:36:40,457 --> 00:36:43,416
Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".
697
00:36:43,417 --> 00:36:46,096
If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,
698
00:36:46,097 --> 00:36:49,178
but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.
699
00:36:50,418 --> 00:36:51,818
And what have you got?
700
00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,578
Who are you?
701
00:36:56,018 --> 00:36:57,618
What are you for?
702
00:37:04,578 --> 00:37:05,858
Morning.
703
00:37:15,778 --> 00:37:17,657
So, final push.
704
00:37:17,658 --> 00:37:19,296
You remind everyone
that's got the app
705
00:37:19,297 --> 00:37:23,098
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
706
00:37:23,099 --> 00:37:24,178
We're here.
707
00:37:27,058 --> 00:37:29,377
Attention, shoppers.
708
00:37:29,378 --> 00:37:32,778
I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.
709
00:37:32,779 --> 00:37:34,938
Come over here and listen.
710
00:37:37,458 --> 00:37:40,577
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
711
00:37:40,578 --> 00:37:41,977
Seriously.
712
00:37:41,978 --> 00:37:45,137
Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,
713
00:37:45,138 --> 00:37:47,017
or even that Lib Dem guy.
714
00:37:47,018 --> 00:37:48,617
He's a prick!
715
00:37:48,618 --> 00:37:52,296
Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
716
00:37:52,297 --> 00:37:53,456
What is this? Irony?
717
00:37:53,457 --> 00:37:55,176
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
718
00:37:55,177 --> 00:37:56,896
He's from the Harris campaign.
719
00:37:56,897 --> 00:37:59,176
I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!
720
00:37:59,177 --> 00:38:01,378
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
721
00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:03,297
Don't vote for me!
722
00:38:03,298 --> 00:38:04,978
Don't vmmmf!
723
00:38:07,338 --> 00:38:08,497
Shut up.
724
00:38:08,498 --> 00:38:10,456
No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!
725
00:38:10,457 --> 00:38:11,618
What are you doing?
726
00:38:11,619 --> 00:38:13,138
- Resigning.
- Jamie!
727
00:38:14,738 --> 00:38:16,537
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
728
00:38:16,538 --> 00:38:19,697
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
729
00:38:19,698 --> 00:38:22,096
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.
730
00:38:22,097 --> 00:38:23,456
- He's funny!
- He's not.
731
00:38:23,457 --> 00:38:26,016
Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!
732
00:38:26,017 --> 00:38:29,616
So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you can
733
00:38:29,617 --> 00:38:32,978
unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.
734
00:38:32,979 --> 00:38:37,377
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!
735
00:38:37,378 --> 00:38:38,617
Kill it! Kill it!
736
00:38:38,618 --> 00:38:40,497
Kick them where it hurts.
737
00:38:40,498 --> 00:38:43,176
The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!
738
00:38:43,177 --> 00:38:46,618
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.
739
00:38:46,619 --> 00:38:48,057
Smash it!
740
00:38:48,058 --> 00:38:50,217
Yeah! Yeah!
741
00:38:50,218 --> 00:38:54,578
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...
742
00:39:03,858 --> 00:39:05,136
I, the undersigned,
743
00:39:05,137 --> 00:39:07,256
being the returning
officer for the Stentonford
744
00:39:07,257 --> 00:39:10,936
and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total number
745
00:39:10,937 --> 00:39:14,378
of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.
746
00:39:15,578 --> 00:39:19,377
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
747
00:39:19,378 --> 00:39:21,538
2,449.
748
00:39:24,738 --> 00:39:28,137
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
749
00:39:28,138 --> 00:39:30,418
11,237.
750
00:39:34,018 --> 00:39:38,297
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
751
00:39:38,298 --> 00:39:40,738
19,161.
752
00:39:47,418 --> 00:39:49,498
Waldo, Independent.
753
00:39:52,858 --> 00:39:55,458
16,784.
754
00:39:59,138 --> 00:40:03,256
Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam Monroe
755
00:40:03,257 --> 00:40:06,178
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
756
00:40:08,418 --> 00:40:10,817
Hey, hey! Everyone!
757
00:40:10,818 --> 00:40:13,298
500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!
758
00:40:43,738 --> 00:40:46,017
Up you get, come on.
759
00:40:46,018 --> 00:40:47,298
Come on!
760
00:40:56,178 --> 00:40:57,858
Come on. Out you go.
761
00:41:54,258 --> 00:41:55,618
Oi!
762
00:41:56,978 --> 00:41:58,218
Agh!
763
00:42:25,746 --> 00:43:09,867
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
57498
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
