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1
00:00:01,807 --> 00:00:04,685
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:00:41,447 --> 00:00:43,722
Good morning, sir.
How about a little breakfast?
3
00:00:43,887 --> 00:00:47,960
How about a dozen grilled winkles
on a bed of curried Rice Crispies?
4
00:00:48,127 --> 00:00:50,516
I'm not eating spicy stuff any more.
5
00:00:50,687 --> 00:00:55,715
Forgive me, sir, but you not eating
spicy food is like a zebra not being stripy
6
00:00:55,887 --> 00:00:59,880
or an old lady not sitting
on a park bench with her legs open.
7
00:01:00,047 --> 00:01:03,244
- May I ask why?
- It makes your breath smell
8
00:01:03,407 --> 00:01:06,797
like a liftful of senile donkeys
returning from a garlic-eating contest.
9
00:01:07,007 --> 00:01:11,364
- That's never bothered you before, sir.
- Well, it bothers me now, OK?
10
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:15,401
It's because of her, isn't it?
She who must be drooled over.
11
00:01:15,607 --> 00:01:18,075
- You mean Kris?
- Whatever my feelings, sir,
12
00:01:18,247 --> 00:01:22,604
I will not be tempted into making
petty criticisms of fellow crew members.
13
00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:25,201
There is the issue of the salad cream...
14
00:01:25,407 --> 00:01:28,205
- The salad cream?
- I spent months training everyone
15
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:30,437
to put salad cream in the fridge.
16
00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:33,963
Then she arrives
and it's back in the cupboard!
17
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:37,762
The first moon we come to, let's dump her!
18
00:01:41,007 --> 00:01:42,998
And what about the extra laundry?
19
00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:46,523
There are all kinds
of extraordinary items turning up -
20
00:01:46,687 --> 00:01:49,281
tights, bras, skimpy vests, little socks.
21
00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:52,041
It's a massive workload. Frank is very upset.
22
00:01:52,207 --> 00:01:55,597
- Frank?
- The washing machine. I named him Frank.
23
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:59,316
And what about the ironing?
How do you iron a bra?
24
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:02,160
You take it off first. I spent years practising.
25
00:02:02,327 --> 00:02:06,286
I'd put my nan's bra
around the armchair and unhook it.
26
00:02:06,447 --> 00:02:09,962
Even now,
whenever I see a Parker Knoll, I get horny.
27
00:02:11,927 --> 00:02:14,566
But have you ever ironed a bra, sir?
28
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:19,761
The only way I've found is to stretch each
container over my head and iron it there.
29
00:02:19,927 --> 00:02:24,318
On a hot cotton setting, it sends
my optical systems into leak overload.
30
00:02:24,487 --> 00:02:26,478
- Cup.
- Sorry, sir?
31
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,925
- Not containers. They're called cups.
- See? I even have to learn new terminology,
32
00:02:31,087 --> 00:02:36,081
special female terminology -
"cups", "potpourri", "depilatory cream".
33
00:02:36,247 --> 00:02:40,240
- Oh! It's never-ending.
- How come you don't know what bras are?
34
00:02:40,407 --> 00:02:44,559
- What about the women on the Nova 5?
- When I cleaned my cache files,
35
00:02:44,727 --> 00:02:46,718
I erased my lingerie database.
36
00:02:46,887 --> 00:02:51,802
I'd only need it if you wanted to go
to a fancy dress party as Hermann Göring.
37
00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:53,286
Relax, Kryten.
38
00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:57,235
The scan probe returned
the coordinates of the dimensional tear.
39
00:02:57,407 --> 00:03:00,479
This time tomorrow,
she'll be back in her own dimension.
40
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:02,763
Well, you're surely not upset, sir?
41
00:03:02,927 --> 00:03:06,237
- If you've got a problem with her, tell her.
- I will!
42
00:03:06,407 --> 00:03:10,002
There's no point whingeing
to me about it, say it to her.
43
00:03:10,207 --> 00:03:13,404
- Hi, guys. How's it going?
- Morning, ma'am! Sleep well?
44
00:03:14,367 --> 00:03:16,244
- Coward.
- Hypocrite.
45
00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:19,318
Not great, actually.
46
00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:23,719
I had this weird dream about a monkey
being stretched across a tennis court.
47
00:03:23,887 --> 00:03:26,162
The noise was just unbearable.
48
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:29,803
Were you practising
the guitar again last night?
49
00:03:32,007 --> 00:03:36,125
So, what's for breakfast?
Oh, what's this doing in here?
50
00:03:37,727 --> 00:03:40,400
Hold me back! Hold me back!
51
00:03:55,287 --> 00:04:00,441
Don't you see, sir? These deviations from
Space Corps drill put our lives in jeopardy.
52
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:03,201
She was only drying her tights
on the radiator!
53
00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:07,599
One day it's drying tights,
the next we're spiralling out of control
54
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,122
into the core of a newly-formed sun!
55
00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:14,767
Sorry to interrupt, but we've got problems.
56
00:04:14,967 --> 00:04:17,845
- All the hazard lights are flashing.
- All of them?
57
00:04:18,047 --> 00:04:22,199
On this ship, that means anything from
"we're under attack", to "lunch is burning".
58
00:04:22,407 --> 00:04:23,806
Either way, it's serious.
59
00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:28,444
Getting a reading.
There's something up ahead.
60
00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:31,804
A shiny thing with a long silvery,
glimmery thing behind it.
61
00:04:32,007 --> 00:04:34,646
It's a phasing comet, velocity 25,000mps.
62
00:04:34,847 --> 00:04:36,963
- That's what I said!
- Kryten?
63
00:04:37,127 --> 00:04:42,201
How can I concentrate on a phasing comet
when the salad cream's getting warm?
64
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,602
Heading for tail. Plotting avoidance course.
65
00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:47,275
What's the problem with going through it?
66
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,797
Last time anyone did that,
the forces ripped the ship apart,
67
00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:53,435
turning the crew into potato salad.
68
00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:58,323
Is that the firm delicatessen potato salad
or the squishy, gooey stuff in tins?
69
00:04:58,527 --> 00:05:02,042
- Tins.
- Maybe we should go around.
70
00:05:02,247 --> 00:05:06,684
We'll make it. We're a good crew.
We've been through a few things.
71
00:05:06,847 --> 00:05:09,839
Remember the Vidal Beast of Sharmutt 2?
72
00:05:10,047 --> 00:05:15,201
- The one that nearly killed us?
- No, the other one! We can make it, OK?
73
00:05:15,407 --> 00:05:19,958
- Do you know what a comet is made of?
- Are you suggesting I don't know?
74
00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:23,403
- What?
- You want to know what it's made of?
75
00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,683
- Yes.
- He knows what it's made of.
76
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:28,236
- What?
- Sir, tell her, for goodness sake.
77
00:05:28,407 --> 00:05:30,523
- (MOUTHS)
- So what's it made of?
78
00:05:30,687 --> 00:05:35,044
- I see, I see. Gas. Some kind of gas.
- Some kind of gas?
79
00:05:35,207 --> 00:05:38,563
Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called.
Some gassy type of gas.
80
00:05:38,767 --> 00:05:43,841
- It's made of ice.
- Exactly. An icy type of gas. An ice gas.
81
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:49,201
I hate to interrupt, but this thing
is gonna hit us in about 45 seconds.
82
00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:54,879
I was only trying to save time so you could
get home to your much better Lister.
83
00:05:55,087 --> 00:05:59,000
And I'm trying to prevent us
being scattered like cosmic seasoning!
84
00:05:59,207 --> 00:06:01,880
- Here it comes!
- That wasn't 45 seconds!
85
00:06:02,087 --> 00:06:05,796
Oh, sorry! I was reading the baked potato
timer by mistake!
86
00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:12,315
Will people not leave that here! It makes us
look like we don't know what we're doing!
87
00:06:18,647 --> 00:06:22,196
Lateral trimmers not responding!
Like wrestling in treacle...
88
00:06:22,407 --> 00:06:25,444
Cat says the trimmers
are like wrestling in treacle!
89
00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:30,801
No, I said they were down, then asked
if you like wrestling in... Anyway...
90
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:34,239
- Damage report, Kryten.
- Auxiliary modulator's short-circuited.
91
00:06:34,447 --> 00:06:38,838
And the chocolate dispenser's ejected
all the snack bars onto the galley floor!
92
00:06:41,887 --> 00:06:47,564
- What's happened to the stabilisers?
- Never mind that! Where's the hair mousse?
93
00:06:47,767 --> 00:06:51,157
- Stabilisers unstable.
- Nuttyfruit bars sliding about!
94
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,483
I'm taking over control!
95
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:56,078
Hey! What did I tell you?
96
00:06:56,247 --> 00:06:59,683
Come to Daddy, baby! I have control.
97
00:06:59,847 --> 00:07:03,157
It's called a free-fall vacuum.
We're in between vapour streams.
98
00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:05,682
We can ride it across its tail.
99
00:07:05,887 --> 00:07:07,878
(CRASH)
100
00:07:08,047 --> 00:07:09,480
Or maybe not!
101
00:07:11,607 --> 00:07:14,679
If we don't go back,
we'll disintegrate in two minutes!
102
00:07:14,847 --> 00:07:16,838
- Kryten?
- That's a little pessimistic, sir.
103
00:07:17,047 --> 00:07:19,197
I'd say more like three!
104
00:07:19,927 --> 00:07:22,725
You know, I think we should turn around.
105
00:07:31,327 --> 00:07:32,840
Phew!
106
00:07:34,207 --> 00:07:36,198
- Go on. Say it.
- Say what?
107
00:07:36,367 --> 00:07:40,360
- You know what. Say it.
- You really want me to say it?
108
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,926
- Say it.
- All right.
109
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:46,717
- My Dave would never endanger our crew.
- You had to say it, didn't you?
110
00:07:46,887 --> 00:07:49,765
And stop calling
your boyfriend "Dave"? I'm Dave.
111
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:54,955
He's just an alternative version of me from
a parallel dimension. He's the anti-Lister.
112
00:07:55,127 --> 00:07:57,687
Well, whoever he is, I won't see him.
113
00:07:57,847 --> 00:08:01,920
By the time we fix this mess,
I'll have missed the linkway!
114
00:08:02,087 --> 00:08:04,920
I could've got through
if the thrusters had worked.
115
00:08:05,087 --> 00:08:08,477
According to the syscomp,
we're carrying too much weight.
116
00:08:08,647 --> 00:08:11,798
It's Miss Kochanski's laundry.
Why will no one listen to me?
117
00:08:12,007 --> 00:08:14,475
Those frilly things
are heavier than they look.
118
00:08:14,687 --> 00:08:18,521
Let's look in the hold
and see what can be jettisoned.
119
00:08:18,687 --> 00:08:22,726
I'll go. I could do
with a breath of musty, fetid air.
120
00:08:22,887 --> 00:08:27,881
Sir, you didn't deliberately damage the ship
so that Miss Kochanski had to stay, did you?
121
00:08:28,087 --> 00:08:31,921
No! 'Course not!
Look, I'm gonna check out the hold.
122
00:08:32,087 --> 00:08:34,078
Rimmer, man, you coming?
123
00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:36,966
Did I say...?
124
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:41,557
Why did I call you Rimmer?
I called you Rimmer, my God!
125
00:08:41,727 --> 00:08:45,356
Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful
or preen yourself all day?
126
00:08:45,527 --> 00:08:48,325
- You mean I have a choice?
- Come on.
127
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:50,955
I can't believe I called you Rimmer.
128
00:08:56,167 --> 00:08:57,566
Yes?
129
00:08:59,527 --> 00:09:05,124
As you may be with us for some time, ma'am,
may I go through some rules of the ship?
130
00:09:05,287 --> 00:09:07,243
- Like what?
- Salad cream.
131
00:09:07,407 --> 00:09:10,479
Salad cream belongs
in the fridge and not in the cupboard.
132
00:09:10,687 --> 00:09:15,124
Two - pants belong in the pants drawer
and socks belong in the socks drawer.
133
00:09:15,287 --> 00:09:20,122
Having discovered a sock in your pants
drawer, this obviously needs restating.
134
00:09:20,287 --> 00:09:22,323
Talking of my clothes,
135
00:09:22,487 --> 00:09:26,196
why do my bras come back
from the laundry shaped like... like...
136
00:09:27,727 --> 00:09:29,046
...your head?
137
00:09:29,247 --> 00:09:32,557
- Three - the toilet seat fiasco...
- I don't want to hear this!
138
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:36,726
Mr Lister hasn't said anything,
but I can tell he's not happy.
139
00:09:36,887 --> 00:09:41,961
He's not the only one! Do you think I like
flying around in a skip with thrusters?
140
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,806
I don't even enjoy breathing on this ship!
141
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:49,324
And I'm faced with some neurotic droid
who's obsessed with my pants drawer!
142
00:09:49,527 --> 00:09:51,757
You mean I'm not alone?
143
00:09:51,927 --> 00:09:54,839
Oh, I see. You mean me.
144
00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:58,042
As long as we understand one another!
145
00:10:00,487 --> 00:10:02,796
God! Welcome to hell.
146
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:07,760
Look. Rimmer's old shoe trees.
He had one for every pair of shoes.
147
00:10:08,927 --> 00:10:13,603
Gave them all names -
Monshoetree, Tueshoetree, Wedshoetree.
148
00:10:13,807 --> 00:10:17,686
- What for?
- So they all had a day in his shoes.
149
00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:21,078
- What a smeg-head.
- He had lots of funny little habits.
150
00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:24,637
- But now I see them for what they were.
- Cretinous.
151
00:10:24,847 --> 00:10:30,843
No. Little human foibles
that made Rimmer special. He was unique.
152
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,277
Yeah, irritating, awkward and unsightly -
153
00:10:33,447 --> 00:10:36,245
the human equivalent of a visible panty line!
154
00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:40,199
Well, we may as well start somewhere.
155
00:10:41,127 --> 00:10:43,766
- These can go!
- You can't throw them out.
156
00:10:43,927 --> 00:10:48,125
They're from when me and Rimmer
played golf on Traga 16. We had fun.
157
00:10:48,327 --> 00:10:51,125
You had fun with Rimmer?
158
00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:56,837
I only had room for a nine-hole course, sir.
It is a very small planetoid.
159
00:10:57,047 --> 00:10:59,925
Taking into consideration
the thinness of atmosphere, sir,
160
00:11:00,087 --> 00:11:03,716
I've made this a 15-mile hole, par three.
161
00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:08,763
Oh, good shot, sir!
162
00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:13,486
(LISTER) Hey, watch this. Watch and weep.
163
00:11:18,287 --> 00:11:21,882
- Oh, smeg!
- Ooh, I... I think it's gone into orbit, sir.
164
00:11:25,047 --> 00:11:29,996
Tough luck, Listy. I'll just pot mine
and you owe me 50 big ones!
165
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:35,123
Look at him. In the right boots,
he could be marching into Poland.
166
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,198
Hey.
167
00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:42,483
- It's Rimmer's ball.
- It must have gone round the planetoid.
168
00:11:42,647 --> 00:11:46,959
Well, no point bothering him
about it, Krytie. Let's go.
169
00:11:49,527 --> 00:11:53,440
It must be here somewhere.
I've been round the planetoid twice.
170
00:11:55,087 --> 00:11:58,443
No ball, no bet, man. Keep looking.
171
00:11:59,407 --> 00:12:03,195
Memories like that
are just too precious to throw away.
172
00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:07,680
Hello there, sir. How's it going?
173
00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:10,566
We're getting nowhere.
He won't throw anything away
174
00:12:10,727 --> 00:12:13,560
because it reminds him
of good times with Rimmer!
175
00:12:13,727 --> 00:12:18,960
- I must have blinked and missed them.
- You don't know what we used to do,
176
00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:21,083
like the locker room game.
177
00:12:21,287 --> 00:12:26,281
We'd open up lockers of dead crew members
and keep whatever we found.
178
00:12:26,447 --> 00:12:30,406
I don't trust you, Lister.
This game's rigged. You always win.
179
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,762
Last time, you got a gold wristwatch,
180
00:12:32,927 --> 00:12:37,682
and all I got was a box of 100
assorted tampons that glow in the dark.
181
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:42,325
- Right, well, I'll go first this time.
- OK.
182
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:47,526
- No, you can go first.
- OK, I'll have 68.
183
00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:49,200
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
184
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:52,200
- I'll have 68.
- Fine.
185
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:54,801
Uh... No, you can have it.
186
00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:56,366
Why?
187
00:12:56,527 --> 00:13:00,645
You chose that one because
you think that I think that you're cheating.
188
00:13:00,807 --> 00:13:03,480
So I'll have it, and it'll be useless.
189
00:13:03,647 --> 00:13:06,798
I'm not falling for that one. You have it.
190
00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:08,958
Too smart for me, man.
191
00:13:11,047 --> 00:13:14,084
Hey, a gold necklace...
192
00:13:14,247 --> 00:13:16,363
a bundle of cash...
193
00:13:16,527 --> 00:13:19,883
and - hey! - A nude wrestling video!
194
00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:24,006
"Baked Bean Bombshells Volume 12".
195
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:26,920
Right, well, I'll have that one.
196
00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:31,205
- Number 58.
- OK.
197
00:13:41,327 --> 00:13:43,318
What the hell was that?
198
00:13:44,567 --> 00:13:46,956
There's a note.
199
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:50,045
"People who break into lockers
deserve everything they get,
200
00:13:50,207 --> 00:13:53,324
"you cheap double-crossing slimeball."
201
00:13:53,527 --> 00:13:55,597
Sounds like they know you.
202
00:13:57,207 --> 00:14:01,439
See what I mean?
We had fun. It was great. It was fun.
203
00:14:03,087 --> 00:14:06,796
I'll put the rubber room on standby, sir.
204
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:19,723
About time, Cat.
You're late, man. Where've you been?
205
00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:22,923
Hello, Listy.
206
00:14:23,087 --> 00:14:27,319
Rimmer! Smeggin' hell!
What are you doing here?
207
00:14:27,527 --> 00:14:30,678
I got fed up with adventuring.
You know what it's like,
208
00:14:30,847 --> 00:14:34,476
you save a couple of civilisations,
and it gets a bit... samey.
209
00:14:35,807 --> 00:14:40,403
- I thought I'd find the old team.
- It's good to see you. Are you real?
210
00:14:40,607 --> 00:14:43,519
As real as you can get, being a hologram.
211
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,756
- So... where've you been?
- Argon 5.
212
00:14:50,927 --> 00:14:53,839
I fought in the Belagosian War.
I was decorated...
213
00:14:54,007 --> 00:14:58,922
and used as a Christmas tree in the town
square and fed chocolates all winter.
214
00:14:59,127 --> 00:15:00,685
Really?
215
00:15:01,447 --> 00:15:03,039
No, I'm only kidding.
216
00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:05,317
What do you know about kidding?
217
00:15:05,527 --> 00:15:08,439
I just thought it was time I lightened up.
218
00:15:10,127 --> 00:15:12,083
Hey-hey!
219
00:15:13,487 --> 00:15:17,275
Ahem...
So, er, what about you? How's it going?
220
00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:22,641
Ah, y'know. Same old Starbug.
Same old travelling through space.
221
00:15:25,527 --> 00:15:29,486
I, um... I hear you've got a new crew member?
222
00:15:29,687 --> 00:15:31,678
Yeah, Kochanski.
223
00:15:34,247 --> 00:15:36,238
What's she like?
224
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:39,126
Oh, she's OK, y'know...
225
00:15:40,087 --> 00:15:42,885
Is she... as good as me?
226
00:15:44,127 --> 00:15:48,200
Well, she's been here a few weeks
and hasn't quoted one Space Corps directive.
227
00:15:53,047 --> 00:15:55,356
She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?
228
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:59,355
Is she? I hadn't noticed.
She's the type you don't really notice.
229
00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:03,998
You know when you spill soup on your shirt
and you don't notice it? She's like that.
230
00:16:04,207 --> 00:16:08,166
So she's... not as attractive as me, then?
231
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:12,758
Don't be daft.
She couldn't hold a candle to you, man.
232
00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:15,322
- Nah, you're just saying that.
- I'm not.
233
00:16:16,327 --> 00:16:19,763
I've, um... I missed you, man.
234
00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:24,236
And I've missed you, too, Listy.
235
00:16:24,407 --> 00:16:27,160
- Oh, Arnold, man.
- Dave!
236
00:16:27,327 --> 00:16:30,922
- Don't ever leave us again!
- I won't!
237
00:16:31,087 --> 00:16:33,647
- You promise?
- Oh, Listy!
238
00:16:33,807 --> 00:16:35,206
Oh, Rimsy!
239
00:16:38,447 --> 00:16:39,926
Yaaaaarrrggh!
240
00:16:40,087 --> 00:16:41,884
No! Get off! Get off!
241
00:16:45,687 --> 00:16:50,477
Oh, it was just a dream.
Thank God for that! Just a dream.
242
00:16:58,047 --> 00:17:00,038
(INAUDIBLE)
243
00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:04,960
...and another thing,
she keeps her pants in her sock drawer.
244
00:17:05,127 --> 00:17:08,802
Have you any idea
how long that takes to sort out?
245
00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:11,401
You mean, you've seen her pants?
246
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:24,116
You're right, Kryten, I must be losing it
or I'd never dream stuff like that.
247
00:17:24,287 --> 00:17:29,042
Kissing Rimmer? I'd rather go bobbing for
apples in a latrine at the Reading Festival!
248
00:17:30,447 --> 00:17:34,281
I'm sure this will help, sir.
I'll just insert my hypnotherapy disc.
249
00:17:35,727 --> 00:17:37,797
Now, just relax.
250
00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:44,240
(SHOUTS IN GERMAN)
251
00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:48,042
- What the hell...?!
- Sorry, sir. Wrong disk.
252
00:17:48,247 --> 00:17:52,126
That was my German language course.
An extract from Hitler's Nuremberg speech.
253
00:17:52,327 --> 00:17:56,923
Hypnotic, but not in the right way.
I'll just find the proper one.
254
00:18:04,487 --> 00:18:07,684
- What are you doing here?
- Looking for something
255
00:18:07,847 --> 00:18:11,317
to erase the memory
of everything I've ever experienced.
256
00:18:11,487 --> 00:18:15,036
A couple of gallons
of medicinal alcohol should do it.
257
00:18:15,247 --> 00:18:19,604
Listen, for what it's worth,
I'm sorry you missed getting back to Dave...
258
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:21,280
the hologrammatic hunk.
259
00:18:21,487 --> 00:18:25,196
That's OK. I'm sure
you'll have another chance to cock it up.
260
00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:29,798
- I suppose you must be missing him?
- Yeah, I am a bit.
261
00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:36,037
I know what it's like to miss someone -
the way they talk, the way they laugh...
262
00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:38,363
- I know.
- The way their nostrils flare
263
00:18:38,527 --> 00:18:41,963
like two railway tunnels
leading into Snot Street Station.
264
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,158
No... you've lost me there.
265
00:18:46,807 --> 00:18:48,798
So you're missing Rimmer?
266
00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,726
I dreamed about him, but he was different,
267
00:18:51,887 --> 00:18:55,675
all smiles and jokes and... and stuff.
268
00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:57,957
I thought you guys didn't get on?
269
00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:01,364
We didn't, that's what's so weird.
He drove me crazy.
270
00:19:01,527 --> 00:19:04,439
The way he ate his food in alphabetical order,
271
00:19:04,607 --> 00:19:09,681
the way he only used three pieces of toilet
paper - one up, one down and one to polish.
272
00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:11,917
- Didn't he have any redeeming features?
- No.
273
00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:15,523
Well, yeah -
sometimes he went out of the room.
274
00:19:15,727 --> 00:19:18,241
How did Rimmer come to be around, anyway?
275
00:19:18,447 --> 00:19:23,521
Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane,
but he drove me mad!
276
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:28,118
Now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty
because you realise he was helping you.
277
00:19:28,327 --> 00:19:31,717
If he was helping me,
why didn't he lighten up a bit?
278
00:19:31,927 --> 00:19:34,725
Maybe he sacrificed his happiness
to keep you sane.
279
00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:40,283
But in your dream, he was different,
a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer.
280
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:44,440
A Rimmer who didn't nag you into helping him
catalogue his cheese collection.
281
00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:49,197
- You're saying I had him all wrong?
- It wasn't your fault.
282
00:19:49,367 --> 00:19:52,165
You had to hate him. It kept you going.
283
00:19:52,327 --> 00:19:54,238
I didn't know.
284
00:20:00,247 --> 00:20:02,044
(PARPS)
285
00:20:03,447 --> 00:20:08,282
You know what I should do? I should throw
everything away and make a new start.
286
00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,756
Ah, sorry, Miss Kochanski, ma'am.
287
00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:18,720
This is the medical bay, for sick people only.
288
00:20:18,887 --> 00:20:22,562
Surely you haven't broken out
in a confusingly-filed-pants rash?
289
00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:27,557
Do you know how to extract a warm bottle of
salad cream from a mechanoid's rectal cavity?
290
00:20:27,767 --> 00:20:32,443
- No, but I could research it.
- I'd start right now if I were you.
291
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:38,605
- OK, sir, now. Just relax.
- It's all right, Kryten.
292
00:20:38,767 --> 00:20:40,883
I talked it through with Kochanski.
293
00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:43,686
- I feel a lot better.
- That takes the biscuit.
294
00:20:43,847 --> 00:20:47,362
I turn my back for five minutes
and she cures you!
295
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:51,037
- She was only helping.
- It's not the help I mind,
296
00:20:51,207 --> 00:20:53,437
it's the fact that she succeeded.
297
00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,438
(PARPS)
298
00:21:00,287 --> 00:21:03,199
OK, guys!
I now declare games night officially open.
299
00:21:03,407 --> 00:21:06,638
Kris can have the honour
of choosing the first game.
300
00:21:06,847 --> 00:21:11,967
And as you're a bit sensitive, no games that
involve dropping trousers and lighting stuff.
301
00:21:12,127 --> 00:21:15,244
That takes care of most of the repertoire!
Where's Kryten?
302
00:21:15,407 --> 00:21:19,082
I dunno, he should be here.
OK, Kris... name your game.
303
00:21:19,287 --> 00:21:22,324
All right! I choose "The Magic Flute"!
304
00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:27,838
- What's that? Sort of musical chairs?
- No, it's an opera.
305
00:21:29,887 --> 00:21:34,324
"The Magic Flute"?
OK, we each hum a section of an aria,
306
00:21:34,487 --> 00:21:36,717
and the others guess
which character is singing.
307
00:21:36,927 --> 00:21:40,158
- That's a game?
- It's more like medieval torture.
308
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,518
No, it's good.
You can throw each other off the scent.
309
00:21:43,687 --> 00:21:49,842
Once, my Dave sang "The Birdcatcher's Song"
in the German translation. It was hilarious!
310
00:21:50,007 --> 00:21:52,441
- We all totally fell about!
- You fell about?
311
00:21:52,647 --> 00:21:55,400
- Yeah!
- Were you going through a meteor storm?
312
00:21:57,007 --> 00:22:01,683
So what games do you play?
Match the body part to the crew member?
313
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:03,445
I love that one!
314
00:22:03,647 --> 00:22:08,596
Armpit name that tune? Guess whose botty
is sticking through a hole in the curtain?
315
00:22:08,807 --> 00:22:11,958
Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?
316
00:22:12,607 --> 00:22:16,600
Games night is cancelled.
If you'll all follow me to the AR suite,
317
00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:19,235
I have something I think might amuse.
318
00:22:28,087 --> 00:22:29,884
(BLEEPING)
319
00:22:30,047 --> 00:22:33,164
I believe this is the answer
to your dream, sir.
320
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:37,161
Something slightly more effective
than Miss Kochanski's psychobabble.
321
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:49,560
It's my museum to Mr Rimmer's memory.
322
00:22:49,727 --> 00:22:53,197
If anyone misses him,
they can relive those great moments.
323
00:22:53,367 --> 00:22:56,677
It's all in there -
the man, the memories, the personality.
324
00:22:56,847 --> 00:22:59,441
- The ego.
- I had to scale that down.
325
00:22:59,607 --> 00:23:04,237
- How did you compile all the exhibits?
- I recreated key events from his diaries.
326
00:23:04,407 --> 00:23:08,195
He kept meticulous records
of life on board ship. Enjoy!
327
00:23:19,927 --> 00:23:22,487
Welcome to The Rimmer Experience,
328
00:23:22,687 --> 00:23:27,044
a place of wonder, excitement and... wonder.
329
00:23:27,247 --> 00:23:29,920
You are about to witness some heroic events
330
00:23:30,087 --> 00:23:33,762
which you may find impossibleto attribute to any living person,
331
00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:37,920
but Arnold J Rimmerwas a deeply remarkable man.
332
00:23:41,167 --> 00:23:43,965
Being the driving forcebehind the Red Dwarf mission,
333
00:23:44,127 --> 00:23:47,563
the fearless Rimmerdiced with death on a daily basis.
334
00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:49,206
What?
335
00:23:49,407 --> 00:23:53,719
It needed a strong mindand cool nerves to hold the crew together.
336
00:23:56,527 --> 00:23:58,597
Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.
337
00:23:58,807 --> 00:24:01,605
No, it isn't, Kryten,you thick titanium plank.
338
00:24:01,767 --> 00:24:06,158
Those are broken fragments of a dying starcompressed together under enormous pressure,
339
00:24:06,327 --> 00:24:08,557
causing them to compressinto large fragments.
340
00:24:08,767 --> 00:24:12,965
You're right, sir... as usual.Such an elementary mistake... as usualI
341
00:24:13,167 --> 00:24:17,080
- At times like these, I get really scaredI
- Me tooI
342
00:24:18,807 --> 00:24:21,480
Somebody save us before I wet me keksI
343
00:24:21,687 --> 00:24:24,155
That never happened!
I swear that never happened!
344
00:24:26,527 --> 00:24:29,041
- I feel sick!
- It is a bit bumpy.
345
00:24:29,207 --> 00:24:31,675
It's what I'm seeing that's making me sick!
346
00:24:32,567 --> 00:24:36,480
See, Cat? If you wear the green paisley shirtwith twill trousers,
347
00:24:36,647 --> 00:24:39,366
you can be dignified and fashionable.
348
00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:42,807
Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him!
349
00:24:42,967 --> 00:24:46,198
Twill? What does he think I am?
A woodwork teacher?
350
00:24:47,127 --> 00:24:50,881
Say, Rimmer's a great guy.What would we do without him?
351
00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:53,197
I owe my life to himI
352
00:24:53,407 --> 00:24:56,797
- Get me out of here!
- Wait. Here comes the best bit.
353
00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:01,086
(MUSIC STARTS)
354
00:25:01,367 --> 00:25:04,404
If you're in trouble he will save the day
355
00:25:04,607 --> 00:25:07,599
He's brave and he's fearless come what may
356
00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:11,123
Without him the mission would go astray
357
00:25:11,287 --> 00:25:14,597
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
358
00:25:14,767 --> 00:25:18,077
Without him life would be much grimmer
359
00:25:18,247 --> 00:25:21,523
He's handsome, trim and no one's slimmer
360
00:25:21,687 --> 00:25:25,157
He will never need a Zimmer
361
00:25:25,367 --> 00:25:28,643
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
362
00:25:28,807 --> 00:25:32,004
More reliable than a garden strimmer
363
00:25:32,167 --> 00:25:35,523
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
364
00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:39,123
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer
365
00:25:39,767 --> 00:25:42,759
Master of the wit and the repartee
366
00:25:42,967 --> 00:25:46,004
His command of Space Directives is uncanny
367
00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:49,796
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me
368
00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:53,158
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
369
00:25:53,327 --> 00:25:56,603
He's also a fantastic swimmer
370
00:25:56,767 --> 00:25:59,600
And if you play your cards right
371
00:25:59,767 --> 00:26:03,965
Then he just might come roundfor dinner...
372
00:26:09,447 --> 00:26:12,598
I never wanna see or hear
from that scum-sucking, lying,
373
00:26:12,767 --> 00:26:15,884
weasel-minded smegger in my entire life!
374
00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:18,647
Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out!
375
00:26:21,767 --> 00:26:24,565
It's cold outside,there's no kind of atmosphere
376
00:26:24,727 --> 00:26:28,003
I'm all alone, more or less
377
00:26:28,167 --> 00:26:31,318
Let me fly far away from here
378
00:26:31,487 --> 00:26:34,126
Fun, fun, fun
379
00:26:34,287 --> 00:26:37,916
In the sun, sun, sun
380
00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:41,363
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
381
00:26:41,527 --> 00:26:44,644
Drinking fresh mango juice
382
00:26:44,807 --> 00:26:48,004
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
383
00:26:48,167 --> 00:26:50,761
Fun, fun, fun
384
00:26:50,927 --> 00:26:54,556
In the sun, sun, sun
385
00:26:54,727 --> 00:26:57,525
Fun, fun, fun
386
00:26:57,687 --> 00:27:01,839
In the sun, sun, sun
387
00:27:01,889 --> 00:27:06,439
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