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1
00:00:02,240 --> 00:00:05,118
(''RED DWARF'' THEME)
2
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,391
Arnold?
3
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,470
- Arnold!
- I'm here, Mother!
4
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:03,468
Your father and I are terribly worried
about your progress at school.
5
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:07,593
- Yes, Mother.
- You don't get the marks you're capable of.
6
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,119
No, Mother.
7
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,675
Well, I went to see the headmaster.
8
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:17,551
He said it might be in your best interest
to be kept back in Junior D for another year.
9
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,393
- Oh.
- Is that all you've got to say?
10
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:25,714
Well, it is quite difficult to talk
when you're tied upside down to a tree.
11
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,633
- Were you playing with Howard and Frank?
- Yes.
12
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,075
Well, what on earth were you playing?
13
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:36,314
I said it was a shame we hadn't got a swing.
They said they could make one.
14
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:40,678
I didn't realise
they was going to make one out of me.
15
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:46,556
Well, that's nice, darling. Anyway,
your father had a word with the headmaster,
16
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:51,794
and we explained how we wanted you
to be a test pilot like your brother John,
17
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,514
and how this could damage your chances.
18
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,759
We got this this morning.
You realise how important this is?
19
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:02,799
This decision could completely alter
the whole course of your life.
20
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,750
(''TOP GUN''-STYLE MUSIC)
21
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,118
Whoa! Welcome home, Ace!
22
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,471
- Bless you, Spanners. Good to be home.
- How'd she behave?
23
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,558
The lightship? Like a frolicking filly in a pasture.
24
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,838
How you got that crate
to break the light barrier, I'll never know.
25
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:43,272
Well, some might say
the devilishly brave and handsome pilot did it.
26
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:47,678
Tsh-pshaw! Nonsense.
Any twit can hug the event horizon of a black hole,
27
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:50,434
then loop-de-loop at twice the speed of light,
28
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:54,593
then slam the engines into reverse
and blast out of an imploding nebula.
29
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:58,719
It's you guys with the magic wrenches.
You break the records.
30
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,434
You'll be going to this party, I suppose?
31
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:07,755
Good God, no. Heroes' welcomes with
21-gun salutes send me to the land of Nod.
32
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,350
I'll be in the mess with the engineering boys,
as usual.
33
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,677
- See you there at 1900?
- See you later, Ace.
34
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,351
What a guy!
35
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:23,593
Ah, welcome home, son.
You've been in all of our prayers.
36
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,870
Bless you, Padre. How's little Tommy?
37
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,356
He's pulled through, thanks to you.
38
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:33,189
Sitting by his bedside
day after day, night after night,
39
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,920
holding his hand, reading him stories...
40
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,875
You know me, Chaplain. Any old excuse
to get out of dinner with the Admiral.
41
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:45,153
Listen, there's a bash in the mess.
It would mean a lot if you were there.
42
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,312
- Thank you, son.
- 1900.
43
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,436
What a guy!
44
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,269
- Commander Arnold Rimmer reporting.
- So, you dog, you're back.
45
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,994
Did you doubt it, with you to come back to?
46
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:01,914
If only it were true. What are you doing lunchtime?
47
00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:04,116
- Not sure. Why?
- If you're interested,
48
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,909
I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
49
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,355
Sorry, Mellie, I don't fraternise with staff.
50
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,676
- I resign.
- I'll be there at 1300.
51
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,277
- You're back.
- 'Fraid so.
52
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:21,069
Thought you might be.
Rubber shares went up this morning.
53
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:27,951
- You wanted to see me, Bongo?
- Heard of the dimension theory of reality?
54
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:32,796
That there's an infinite number of parallel
universes where every possibility exists?
55
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:37,278
It's along those lines. The basic tenet
states that for every decision that's made,
56
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,352
the alternative decision
is played out in another reality.
57
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,313
- So?
- The lab boys have created a drive
58
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,550
that can break the speed of reality.
59
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,150
Those boffins have hammered together
a crate that can cross dimensions?
60
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,629
- When do I launch?
- It's a one-way ticket.
61
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,758
- There's no coming back.
- I'm free at 1500.
62
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,435
This is a prototype.
There's no way of knowing if it'll get there.
63
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,797
- Where's there, exactly?
- You'll be in an alternative reality,
64
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,554
a reality where there's another Arnold Rimmer.
65
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:09,316
Some decision was made
where he went one way and you went the other.
66
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:13,268
- He may be quite different to you.
- Sounds like quite a caper.
67
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,749
You'll do it?
68
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:20,630
I'm a test pilot in the Space Corps.
It's my job to do it.
69
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:27,797
I know this probably won't interest you,
but I'd hate myself if I didn't suggest it...
70
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,798
- Suggest what?
- If you're interested,
71
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:35,556
I'll be in my quarters at lunchtime,
covered in taramasalata.
72
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,955
Didn't know your bread was buttered that side.
73
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:43,359
It isn't. I'm happily married.
A chap like you can turn a guy's head.
74
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:48,674
I'm sorry, Bongo. Lunch is...on Mellie.
75
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,077
Would it make any difference
if it was...hoummos?
76
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,429
I'm sorry, Bongo. I'm strictly butter side up.
77
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,989
Understood.
78
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,310
What a guy!
79
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,713
- God speed and bless you, son!
- All systems check.
80
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:15,317
Let's get this kite up into the big black.
Ignition... Chocks away.
81
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,833
Bye, Bongo. Bye, Spanners.
Bye, Padre. Bye, Mellie.
82
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,874
Smoke me a kipper - I'll be back for breakfast.
83
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,433
(ALL) Bye, Ace!
84
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,631
(ENGINES ROAR)
85
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,431
(RIMMER) Lights!
86
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,914
- What?
- What are you doing?
87
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,389
- What am I doing?
- Yes.
88
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,192
Just nipping down the cinema
to catch the midnight movie.
89
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,351
- Dressed like that?
- Yeah.
90
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,715
Going to see ''Jaws''.
91
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,549
You're going fishing, aren't you?
That ocean planet we passed.
92
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:21,998
- You're going without me.
- Come off it, man. Don't be ridiculous!
93
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,152
Why are the lights on? Let's go before...
94
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,352
- All three of you.
- What's he talking about?
95
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,957
I dunno. For some reason, he's got
this crazy idea that we're all going fishing.
96
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:38,635
- Fishing?!
- ''Dear Rimmer, we have gone fishing
97
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,915
''to that ocean planet we passed.
98
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:45,157
''We tried to wake you. See you in three weeks.''
99
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,999
Oh, please, sir! I had no choice.
100
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,913
- Kryten!
- Why did you want to go without me?
101
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:54,192
We didn't WANT to.
We thought it wasn't your scene.
102
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,874
I mean, fishing. It's boring, isn't it?
103
00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:01,551
I love fishing! The glow of the dawn,
the line arcing into the water...
104
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,638
That's why we didn't invite you. There's no fish.
105
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:09,356
That, at least, is true, sir.
There's no marine life on the entire planet.
106
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:14,156
We're just gonna sit out on Starbug,
dangle the rods over the side and chill out.
107
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:18,069
I don't believe anybody would go fishing
where there's no fish.
108
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:22,956
We used to do it all the time.
We used to go down the canal.
109
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,157
We used to go condom fishing.
110
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,790
I swear, one time I caught
this two-pound black ribbed nobbler!
111
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,991
It was about that big!
112
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:39,110
Why didn't you just say, ''Dear Rimmer,
we're going fishing and don't want you to come''?
113
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,431
- See? That's what I said we should say!
- Shh!
114
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,757
What is it about me?
It's always the same old story.
115
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,669
It's not easy to look in that mirror
and see a guy nobody likes.
116
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:53,873
How do you think we feel?
We gotta look at it all day!
117
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:57,157
Look, we just thought you wouldn't want to come.
118
00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,073
I try to be liked. God knows I try.
119
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:05,593
I regale you with amusing stories of my time
in the Hammond Organ Owners' Society.
120
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,796
You never laugh.
121
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,832
I offer to talk you through my photo collection
of 20th-century telegraph poles.
122
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:20,510
You've always got some excuse.
None of you like morris dancing.
123
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,950
Would that break your hearts, once in a while,
124
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:28,069
getting our knees in the air, the jingle
of bells, the clonk of wood on wood?
125
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,879
Every time I suggest it, you pretend to be ill.
126
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,150
You're wrong.
We just thought you wouldn't want to come.
127
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:38,153
Now we know you do, great, you can come.
128
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:43,269
The way you go on, it's like
we've been planning it for days. We haven't.
129
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,032
- Really?
- Really.
130
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,190
All right, I'll come. Holly?
131
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,755
Oh, who woke him up?
132
00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,710
- (RIMMER) Steady now, Kryten.
- Yes, sir.
133
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:03,196
Best not to rush it and cause an accident, eh?
134
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,432
I have passed my test. I am a qualified pilot.
135
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:11,390
- Mind that star!
- That star is two light years away, sir.
136
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:16,754
There's no percentage in being a boy racer.
OK, you passed your test... Mind that planet!
137
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,996
- Which planet?
- That planet!
138
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:22,118
That's the planet we're heading to, sir.
139
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,037
Excellent. Plot an orbital course.
We'll be there in no time.
140
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,028
- Yes, I have, sir.
- Yes, and get the second stage under way.
141
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,313
- I already have done, sir.
- You haven't correlated the data, have you?
142
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,359
- Yes, I have, sir.
- You know your trouble, Kryten?
143
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,358
- What, sir?
- You're a git.
144
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,310
Stupid...
Three weeks stuck with Captain Yawn.
145
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,433
It wasn't my fault. We'd be OK
if you hadn't blown the gaff.
146
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,870
Me? You woke him up.
147
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,995
I could've sweet-talked my way out of it,
but you came blundering in.
148
00:10:57,160 --> 00:11:02,154
You are so two-faced. You haven't got the guts
to tell the dude nobody likes him.
149
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,557
Oh, brilliant.
What am I supposed to say? ''Excuse me.
150
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:09,759
''You're as popular as a horny dog
at a Miss Lovely Legs competition''?
151
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,349
That's what I'd do. I'd say...
152
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,080
Hi, buddy! How's it goin'?
153
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:18,676
Oh... I just had to get out. He's driving me nuts!
154
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,832
I cannot stand front-seat drivers.
155
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,469
Well, come on. We're on holiday!
Let's cheer things up a bit.
156
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:31,077
How about some music?
I've brought my Hammond CDs with me.
157
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:35,358
How about ''Reggie Wilson
Plays The Lift Music Classics''?
158
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,830
What about ''Sounds
Of The Supermarket: 20 Shopping Greats''?
159
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,473
Anyone seen the keys to the medical cabinet?
160
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:47,668
I feel a sudden urge to suffocate myself
with a two-pound black ribbed nobbler.
161
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:52,518
- Not Reggie Wilson, please, Rimmer.
- You don't like Reggie Wilson? What?!
162
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,672
Not even ''Pop Goes Delius''
or ''Funking Up Wagner''?
163
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,551
I prefer something slightly more melodious,
164
00:11:58,720 --> 00:12:03,157
like the death rattle of a man
suffering from terminal flatulence.
165
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:09,872
Come on, you bores. Let's do something.
How about we all sing campfire songs?
166
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,349
Kumbaya, my Lord
167
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,875
Kumbaya... Everyone. Kryten.
168
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,349
Kumbaya, Kum...
169
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,916
- Purple alert! Purple alert!
- What's a purple alert?
170
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:26,353
It's not as bad as a red alert, but worse
than a blue alert. Kind of a mauve alert...
171
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:30,394
Holly, wipe the rabid foam from your chin
and start again.
172
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,793
There's some sort of disruption
to the time-fabric continuum.
173
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,474
At least, I presume that's what it is.
174
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:40,349
There's this big wibbly-wobbly swirly thing
headed straight towards us.
175
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,270
- What is it?
- I don't know! It's following us!
176
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:48,228
It's locked in on us. Something's coming out of it.
177
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,034
It's going to hit us! Collision course!
178
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,512
(KRYTEN) Emergency! Emergency!
Adopt crash procedure!
179
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,154
- Where's the card?
- What card?
180
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,920
The plastic card with the crash procedure on it!
181
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,588
- Don't panic!
- It should be behind the seats.
182
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,514
Shouldn't we sit behind a woman
clutching a baby? What's the drill?
183
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,472
- I know.
- What?
184
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,956
Sit down, tuck your head between your legs
and brace yourself.
185
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:19,433
- Now what?
- Open the in-flight magazine and read.
186
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,599
The articles act as a sedative.
Look at the contents list -
187
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,070
''Salt - An Epicure's Delight'',
''Classic Wines Of Estonia'',
188
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,834
''Flemish Weaving The Traditional Way''...
189
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,753
Don't fight it, man. Let it take you.
190
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,475
How can you be so mind-bogglingly flippant?
We're going to crash!
191
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:41,549
Stay calm. The more relaxed you are,
the less likely you are to be injured.
192
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,149
Good luck, everybody. Here it comes!
193
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,870
(CLATTER)
194
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,196
''The Egyptians were great believers in salt...''
195
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:54,996
''When most people think of classic wines,
they are unlikely to consider Estonian reds,
196
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:59,312
''yet Estonian grapes
are among the fruitiest and most subtle...''
197
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:02,353
''Since the 13th century,
Belgium has been the home
198
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:06,559
''of some of the most remarkable weaving
to come out of Europe...''
199
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:27,555
- Is everyone all right?
- Yes, thank God. I'm fine.
200
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,557
Cat!
201
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,473
It's bad, buddy. It's real bad.
202
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:40,917
See what I mean?
Red with apricot. I look like a jerk!
203
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:43,640
I'm bleeding an unfashionable colour!
204
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:48,191
If I'd known, I'd have worn white.
It goes with anything.
205
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,396
- Is anything broken?
- Yeah.
206
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,199
The stitching's come away
and the lining's ripped.
207
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,555
Somebody, please! Get me a tailor!
208
00:14:55,720 --> 00:15:00,953
Kryten, get the first aid box.
We have to make sure he doesn't get gangrene.
209
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,588
Gangrene? You think I might get gangrene?
210
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,228
- Yeah. Shh!
- Hey, that might work!
211
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,039
Green with apricot - I could pull that off!
212
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:14,033
It's a break, sir. Quite a bad one.
213
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:18,796
I'll have to snap the bone back into line,
and there's no anaesthetic.
214
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,389
Here. Read the in-flight magazine.
215
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,559
''Salt - An Epicure's Delight. The salt on a typ...''
216
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,638
- (CRUNCH)
- Oooh! My God!
217
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,354
- Did it hurt?
- No, it's the article.
218
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,715
Have you done my leg yet?
219
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,629
- Holly, what's the damage?
- It doesn't look good.
220
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:40,475
We've lost the port engine, the fuel line's severed,
221
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,837
we're taking in water, half the electric's out,
222
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,190
and the elastic's snapped on the furry dice.
223
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:52,551
- What does that mean in real terms?
- Well, you've got a more tasteful cockpit,
224
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:56,918
but unless you fix that starboard engine
within 40 minutes, we start sinking.
225
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,398
- Anything we can do?
- Hire a dance band to play ''Abide With Me''?
226
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,639
I'll have to go and fix the engine.
227
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:10,312
- You don't know anything about engines.
- Besides, there's a 40-knot gale out there.
228
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,233
Only a fool or a hero would even consider it.
229
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,200
Bingo! Down there.
They've ditched into the drink.
230
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,716
- I'm bailing out, Computer!
- (FEMALE VOICE) But, Ace, it's suicideI
231
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:25,713
I caused the smash, should apologise.
Only manners.
232
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,634
- Bring her around for another pass.
- Ace, don't go. I love you.
233
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:34,476
Stiff upper modem, old girl.
Smoke me a kipper - I'll be back for breakfast.
234
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:50,514
Name's Commander Rimmer.
Arnold Rimmer. Friends call me ''Ace''.
235
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:53,439
I've come from another dimension. Explain later.
236
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,791
First, let's get out of this pit.
What do they call you, matey?
237
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,834
- Uh...Kryten, sir.
- Series 4,000 mechanoid, am I right?
238
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,719
Salt of the Space Corps.
239
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,552
- Spanners.
- Eh?
240
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,433
Sorry, you reminded me of someone.
What's your handle?
241
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,831
- Lister. Dave Lister.
- Of course. Put it there, Dave.
242
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,358
You look like a great bloke.
What about the guy in the sharp suit?
243
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,511
We just call him Cat.
244
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:22,468
Bought yourself a broken leg, Cat.
Love the Cuban heels.
245
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,069
Who's the stunningly gorgeous computer?
246
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,271
Holly.
247
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,279
God, it's me, only much more handsome.
248
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:36,155
Well, I'm superfluous.
Arnie'll have you out of here in no time!
249
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:41,354
- He's a hologram. He can't touch anything.
- Dead, eh? Commiserations, old man.
250
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,711
- What a crushing bore that must be.
- You're me?
251
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,429
Don't quite understand.
It's to do with us living identical lives
252
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:53,799
up until a decision was made
and you went one way, I went the other.
253
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,595
Still, can't hang around chinwagging.
Let's get this box airborne.
254
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,911
- What's your plan, Arn?
- I...haven't got one.
255
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,954
OK. Right. Well, um...
256
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,238
I suggest this - the engine is repairable,
but it's a two-man job. Any volunteers?
257
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,910
Yeah, OK. I've got a window
in my schedule this afternoon.
258
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:17,635
Not so fast, Davy. You didn't give Arnie a chance.
259
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,469
- He was about to volunteer, weren't you?
- No, I wasn't.
260
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,434
OK, well, um...let's get cracking, shall we, Dave?
261
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,279
What's the starboard engine's
thrust-to-input ratio, Arn?
262
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,908
- What's that?
- Well, you can work it out.
263
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,550
- What's the craft's inertia rating?
- I don't know.
264
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,950
- Well, what's the PSI?
- I don't know!
265
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:42,835
OK, we'll work it out. Come on, Dave.
Better grab a brolly. There's a drizzle.
266
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:48,791
- Sir, can I have a word in private?
- Of course, old friend. Excuse us.
267
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,508
- What's the prob, Kryters?
- I have a limited understanding of medicine,
268
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,912
but it's plainly obvious
that your left arm is broken in several places.
269
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,315
Took a tumble. Only a scratch.
270
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,990
I cannot allow you to go out in that condition.
271
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:14,039
- You must allow me to go in your place.
- I see.
272
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:18,398
- The Series 4,000 isn't waterproof, is it?
- That's besides the point, sir.
273
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,596
Look, I'll tell you what we'll do...
274
00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,352
Sorry, no option.
275
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:30,315
Arnie, Kryten's taken a bit of a whack.
Bring him back on-line.
276
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,637
- How?
- You don't know how to do that?
277
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,273
No.
278
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,557
Come on, Dave. Let's get some fresh air.
279
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:42,991
Smoke me a kipper... Can you do that?
280
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,350
I'll be back for breakfast.
281
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,549
(WIND HOWLS)
282
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,320
- What's your favourite music, Dave?
- Eh?
283
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:07,196
Keeps your spirits up if you sing a song.
284
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,430
- I like rastabilly skank.
- Right.
285
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,477
Aaaah!
286
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,952
Grab my arm, Dave! Grab my arm!
287
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:23,994
'Fraid I'm going to have to do
something a bit sissy now - black out.
288
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,355
Sorry about that. Let's get cracking!
289
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:35,158
Whether you like rastabilly...
Go on, Dave! Sing that song!
290
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,510
Whether you like rastabilly...
291
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,317
Paisley with stripes... That's nice...
292
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:47,831
Green anoraks with furry collars... They're great!
293
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:49,837
Oh, sir! He's delirious!
294
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:56,559
Oh! Rubber trousers,
held down with bicycle clips... Wow!
295
00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,196
''Commander Rimmer.'' I ask you.
296
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:06,310
''Ace.'' Barf city!
I bet he wears women's underwear.
297
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:12,471
They're all the same, his type - hurly-burly,
rough-and-tumble macho marines in public,
298
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:16,189
and behind closed doors,
he parades around in ball gowns
299
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,715
drinking mint juleps, whipping the houseboy.
300
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:23,471
Sir, he's you! It's just that your lives
diverged at a certain point in time.
301
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,910
I went into the gents, he went the other way.
302
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,356
I assume you are making
fatuous references to his sexuality.
303
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,114
- May I point out...?
- Yes! We did it!
304
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:36,598
(BOTH CHANT) Awooga, awooga, awah, awah!
Awooga, awooga, awah!
305
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,519
What a team! How you did it, I'll never know.
306
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,792
Come on, Ace, it was you!
You reconnected that fuel line.
307
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,675
- Only because you held my ankles.
- How could you hang upside down
308
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,519
AND fix the starboard engine?!
309
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,717
- What a team!
- I know where I've seen you two.
310
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:57,072
Weren't you the centrefold
in July's issue of ''Big Boys In Boots''?
311
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:01,990
Say what you like about me,
but I won't hear a word against Skipper.
312
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,270
- ''Skipper''?!
- He deserves a nickname.
313
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,954
- ''Skipper'' sat rather well.
- ''Ace'' and ''Skipper''?!
314
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:11,358
You sound like a kids' TV series
about a boy and his bush kangaroo!
315
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:16,953
Don't listen to him, Skipper. Let's get this
tea chest back to the small rouge one, eh?
316
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:23,030
Yeah, so you two can have a nice hot
soapy bath and play ''spot the submarine''.
317
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,910
Sir, the Cat -
I don't think he's going to last much longer!
318
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:37,393
Bri-nylon underwear... Sock suspenders...
319
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:41,155
- Suits with cardigans!
- Sir, he's delirious! His leg's all swollen.
320
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,118
- He may lose it.
- (LISTER) Lose his leg?
321
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,511
I fear so. The operation is beyond my expertise.
322
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,353
Lose my leg? Hey, that's terrible.
323
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,875
None of my suits will fit!
324
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,799
Kryten, I'll need 500ccs
of corticoadrenaline, two pints of plasma,
325
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,157
a laser scalpel and some kind of tissue sample.
326
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,271
Oh, my God.
327
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:08,474
Field microsurgery - part of basic training
in the Special Service. I'll go scrub up.
328
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:10,989
I'll go and throw up.
329
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,199
- How's the Cat?
- Oh, Ace did it.
330
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:22,035
Cat's fine now. He's sitting in bed
looking through some swatches,
331
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,158
trying to find material he likes for his dressings.
332
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:30,314
I don't know how Ace does it.
He's been awake 36 hours. He's still joking.
333
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,153
What a guy.
334
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,835
He's teaching Kryten how to play the piano.
Amazing dude.
335
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:41,872
So, is it a simple registry office
or a full church do?
336
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,196
I don't understand your attitude. He's you!
337
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:49,872
He's not me! I'm me! He's a me
who had all the chances that I never got.
338
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:54,750
No, it was just a single incident,
and your lives went off in different directions.
339
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:59,192
It's incredible to think that one decision
could produce such different people.
340
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:04,229
Right. He probably went to some really great
school, while I was lumbered with Io House.
341
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,672
He met all the right people,
greased his way up the old boy network,
342
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,873
towel-flicked his way into the Space Corps,
Masonic-handshook his way into flight school
343
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,878
and brown-tongued his way up the ranks.
344
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:21,234
You'd think you'd be pleased that in another
dimension there's another you doing well.
345
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,750
How would you feel if some git
arrived from another dimension,
346
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:30,278
another Lister, with wall-to-wall charisma
and a PhD in being handsome and wonderful?
347
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,074
Hey, man, I AM that Lister!
348
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,436
No, how would you feel if there
was another Lister doing better than you?
349
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:41,553
There is. Ace knows him.
That's why he called me Spanners.
350
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,280
In Ace's dimension, he's a flight engineer,
351
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,750
married to Kristine Kochanski,
twin boys, Jim and Bexley.
352
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:51,993
I made up for him.
Whatever he did that I didn't, he deserves it.
353
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:57,632
For me, it makes sense of stuff,
to think that every possibility is played out.
354
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,679
There's probably a really weird dimension
where you're better-looking than me.
355
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,753
Well, it makes me bitter.
You know I never got the breaks.
356
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,959
Well, there's living proof
of what I could have achieved.
357
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:15,671
- (ACE) Skipper, got a mo?
- Go on. He's probably picked a ring.
358
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,920
Skipper, I've decided I'm not going to stay.
359
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,390
- Why?
- Him and me. It would never work.
360
00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:33,759
I can't stand the man. To see myself so
warped, bitter, weaselly. The man's a maggot.
361
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,473
- So where are you going to go?
- Just out there.
362
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,950
I can't go back,
but there's a billion realities to explore,
363
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,350
a billion other Arnold Rimmers to meet.
364
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,195
Maybe there's one
who's more of a pain than him...but I doubt it.
365
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,153
Well, good luck. Don't be too hard on Rimmer.
366
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,550
You got the break, he didn't.
367
00:25:53,760 --> 00:26:00,108
Do you know what that break was?
Aged seven, one of us was kept back a year.
368
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:02,714
Put your finger on that, will you, Skipper?
369
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,589
That's the only difference?
Rimmer went down a year?
370
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:10,469
No, I was the one who went down a year.
371
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:16,672
By his terms, he got the break,
but being kept down a year made me.
372
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:20,628
The humiliation -
being tallest in the class by a clear foot -
373
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:25,632
it changed me,
made me buckle down, made me fight back.
374
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:30,113
- I've been fighting back ever since.
- While he spent his life making excuses.
375
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:33,797
Maybe he's right. Maybe I did get the lucky break.
376
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:39,909
I'll be off, Dave. Smoke me a kipper, Skipper -
I'll be back for breakfast.
377
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,397
Ready?
378
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,869
I'll smoke him a smegging kipper.
379
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,592
Now!
380
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:18,077
(''TOP GUN''-STYLE MUSIC)
381
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,869
(RIMMER) It's Wednesday night.It's amateur Hammond organ recital night.
382
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,031
OK, take it away, skuttersI
383
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,875
(''RED DWARF'' THEME
ON HAMMOND ORGAN)
384
00:27:47,925 --> 00:27:52,475
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