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00:00:02,547 --> 00:00:04,258
‐ Well, we all know
the big news yesterday:
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00:00:04,258 --> 00:00:05,762
It ain't ogre till it's ogre.
3
00:00:05,762 --> 00:00:07,599
"Shrek" is getting rebooted.
4
00:00:07,599 --> 00:00:09,645
But, you know, everyone's
gonna be covering that,
5
00:00:09,645 --> 00:00:11,607
so let's talk
about the midterms.
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00:00:11,607 --> 00:00:12,817
Here's what Trump said.
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00:00:12,817 --> 00:00:15,823
‐ It was a big day yesterday,
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00:00:15,823 --> 00:00:17,702
an incredible day,
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00:00:17,702 --> 00:00:19,998
and last night
the Republican Party
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00:00:19,998 --> 00:00:21,292
defied history.
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00:00:21,292 --> 00:00:23,506
‐ Shh.
Not today, Satan.
12
00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:25,342
Even breaking up
with Jeff Sessions
13
00:00:25,342 --> 00:00:27,722
for the tenth time
won't distract us from this.
14
00:00:27,722 --> 00:00:30,394
Because whether you're talking
"Shrek" or the midterms,
15
00:00:30,394 --> 00:00:33,568
it was a big night
for donk‐ays!
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00:00:33,568 --> 00:00:35,697
I'm usually not good
at, uh, accents,
17
00:00:35,697 --> 00:00:37,241
but that was pretty good.
18
00:00:37,241 --> 00:00:39,370
Regardless
of your party affiliation,
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00:00:39,370 --> 00:00:41,457
we got a bunch of new faces
in the House,
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00:00:41,457 --> 00:00:43,963
and 33 of them are women.
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00:00:43,963 --> 00:00:46,175
Yeah, sure, I don't agree
with all of them,
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00:00:46,175 --> 00:00:49,015
but I don't agree with all
the women in my Lamaze class.
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00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,227
They don't even think
I should be there.
24
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:53,774
I'm like,
"I'm sorry I'm not pregnant."
25
00:00:53,774 --> 00:00:56,613
Plus, we elected
the first openly gay governor,
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00:00:56,613 --> 00:00:58,576
two Native American
congresswomen‐‐
27
00:00:58,576 --> 00:00:59,870
one of them gay‐‐
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00:00:59,870 --> 00:01:01,707
and two Muslim congresswomen‐‐
29
00:01:01,707 --> 00:01:04,546
one of who will be
the first to wear a hijab.
30
00:01:04,546 --> 00:01:08,638
This is a grab bag
of Republican worst nightmares.
31
00:01:08,638 --> 00:01:11,685
It's like
a congressional caravan.
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00:01:11,685 --> 00:01:13,480
They could be hiding
Middle Easterners
33
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,693
and people with ethics
in there.
34
00:01:15,693 --> 00:01:18,616
But I gotta hand it to
Wisconsin Republican cheesedick
35
00:01:18,616 --> 00:01:20,160
Scott Walker.
36
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,666
It looks like he lost,
but he's taking it‐‐
37
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:25,087
what's the opposite of
in stride?
38
00:01:25,087 --> 00:01:27,634
He retweeted this meme
from your Aunt Carol
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00:01:27,634 --> 00:01:31,015
who collects Precious Moments
figurines and breeds Corgis.
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00:01:35,983 --> 00:01:38,238
Let us be glad indeed.
41
00:01:38,238 --> 00:01:41,077
And we should be glad.
Look at the big picture here.
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00:01:41,077 --> 00:01:42,872
Democrats are so defeatist,
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00:01:42,872 --> 00:01:45,043
they can't even act
like they won when they won.
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00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:46,797
They fucking won.
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00:01:46,797 --> 00:01:48,926
And even in places
where they lost,
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00:01:48,926 --> 00:01:50,930
there were huge gains.
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00:01:50,930 --> 00:01:54,353
Think of it this way, without
Bernie's presidential loss,
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00:01:54,353 --> 00:01:56,942
we wouldn't have had,
uh, all these democrats
49
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,821
pushing for
a livable minimum wage
50
00:01:58,821 --> 00:02:00,490
or Medicare for all.
51
00:02:00,490 --> 00:02:03,163
And, yes, Beto lost in Texas,
52
00:02:03,163 --> 00:02:06,587
but his presence increased
Democratic turnout statewide
53
00:02:06,587 --> 00:02:09,258
and flipped
two House seats blue.
54
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:12,724
Also, if we look at some
of these Republican victories,
55
00:02:12,724 --> 00:02:14,895
are they really victories?
56
00:02:14,895 --> 00:02:17,399
I mean,
we're talking several seats
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00:02:17,399 --> 00:02:19,571
won by indicted criminals
58
00:02:19,571 --> 00:02:22,451
and racists funded by Nazis.
59
00:02:22,451 --> 00:02:26,710
Brothel owner Dennis Hof may
have won a Republican seat
60
00:02:26,710 --> 00:02:30,008
in the Nevada State House
this week,
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00:02:30,008 --> 00:02:32,054
but he died,
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00:02:32,054 --> 00:02:33,849
like, a month ago.
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00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:37,857
Republicans literally elected
a ghost pimp.
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00:02:37,857 --> 00:02:41,322
But winning the House
is an incremental victory.
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00:02:41,322 --> 00:02:43,284
If you wanna compare that
to something,
66
00:02:43,284 --> 00:02:45,413
and stay with me here,
67
00:02:45,413 --> 00:02:47,585
look at the Tea Party‐‐
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00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,842
minus the conspiracy theories
and lack of decency
69
00:02:50,842 --> 00:02:53,639
and founding father cosplay,
faux righteousness,
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00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:56,477
and, you know,
just open racism.
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00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,191
They used to be
the far‐right fringe.
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00:02:59,191 --> 00:03:01,487
Then they fought,
they persevered,
73
00:03:01,487 --> 00:03:03,701
and they took the House
in 2010.
74
00:03:03,701 --> 00:03:07,040
And now they've become
the GOP establishment.
75
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,422
Let's be the left's version
of the Tea Party.
76
00:03:10,422 --> 00:03:12,426
The Chai Tea Party.
77
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:15,808
In on other way
but their perseverance.
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00:03:15,808 --> 00:03:18,689
This is a win,
so let's celebrate.
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00:03:18,689 --> 00:03:20,233
This is Red Bull, by the way.
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00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,237
We still have
a lot of work to do.
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00:03:22,237 --> 00:03:24,491
All right,
I fucking love you guys.
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00:03:24,491 --> 00:03:26,538
Whoops.
I Beto'ed.
83
00:03:26,538 --> 00:03:29,711
What a badass.
Whelp, see you in a sec.
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00:03:31,005 --> 00:03:34,011
[Psychic Friend's"We Do Not Belong" plays]
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♪ ♪
86
00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:40,357
MAN: ♪ Shave it off,
stay alive, open wide ♪
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00:03:40,357 --> 00:03:44,073
♪ Show us how to conquer first
and then divide ♪
88
00:03:44,073 --> 00:03:48,081
CHORUS: ♪ Don't know if we're
stayin' long, stayin' long ♪
89
00:03:48,081 --> 00:03:49,584
♪ Used to staying weak ♪
90
00:03:49,584 --> 00:03:52,005
♪ And now we're
staying strong ♪
91
00:03:52,005 --> 00:03:55,513
♪ We don't wanna go
where we do not belong ♪
92
00:03:55,513 --> 00:03:58,894
♪ Lonely as the day is long,
day is long ♪
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00:03:58,894 --> 00:04:01,900
[cheers and applause]
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00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:04,739
‐ What?
Wow.
95
00:04:06,993 --> 00:04:09,498
Oh, my goodness.
96
00:04:09,498 --> 00:04:11,252
Whoa!
97
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:13,005
I just got a‐‐
98
00:04:13,005 --> 00:04:15,553
got a little glimpse of myself
in the monitor.
99
00:04:15,553 --> 00:04:17,807
I am looking foine!
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00:04:17,807 --> 00:04:19,184
Noice.
[scattered laughter]
101
00:04:19,184 --> 00:04:20,938
Sorry.
I saw myself in the monitor.
102
00:04:20,938 --> 00:04:22,942
I look really good.
[laughter]
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00:04:22,942 --> 00:04:25,405
Well, it was a crazy night
across the nation,
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00:04:25,405 --> 00:04:29,371
and no place was crazier than
the shit show that is Florida.
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00:04:29,371 --> 00:04:31,668
But while everybody
was distracted by the fact
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00:04:31,668 --> 00:04:33,922
that Andrew Gillum lost
the governor's race
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00:04:33,922 --> 00:04:37,220
to "proud boy with a job"
Ron DeSantis,
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00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:38,932
something good happened.
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00:04:38,932 --> 00:04:40,811
Florida passed an amendment
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00:04:40,811 --> 00:04:43,984
that restores voting rights
for over a million ex‐felons,
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00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,654
which is a really big deal
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00:04:45,654 --> 00:04:48,660
because during the midterms,
quite a few people‐‐
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00:04:48,660 --> 00:04:51,958
about 6.1 million people
nationally‐‐
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00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,798
could not vote
due to their criminal record.
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00:04:54,798 --> 00:04:56,927
Which got me thinking,
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00:04:56,927 --> 00:04:58,555
I have a criminal past.
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00:04:58,555 --> 00:05:02,479
I have a history
of criminal behavior.
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00:05:02,479 --> 00:05:05,026
One day when I was 20,
a friend and I were,
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00:05:05,026 --> 00:05:08,575
uh, in a car filled
with marijuana smoke.
120
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:12,667
Said smoke came
from within our lungs.
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00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:14,504
[laughter]
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00:05:14,504 --> 00:05:16,591
The next thing we knew,
we got pulled over,
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00:05:16,591 --> 00:05:19,012
but we were only
a little bit scared
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00:05:19,012 --> 00:05:21,225
because without knowing
it consciously,
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00:05:21,225 --> 00:05:24,816
in our bones,
we were aware of our privilege.
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00:05:24,816 --> 00:05:27,362
We rolled down the window and
the stench of weed
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00:05:27,362 --> 00:05:29,951
literally punched this cop
in the face.
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00:05:29,951 --> 00:05:31,580
[laughter]
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00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:33,834
He told us to find
the registration card
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00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,463
while he went back to his
patrol car to run our plates,
131
00:05:36,463 --> 00:05:39,344
but instead,
we started to sing along
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00:05:39,344 --> 00:05:41,015
to Tracy Chapman's
"Fast Car"
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00:05:41,015 --> 00:05:43,352
with coordinated dance.
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00:05:43,352 --> 00:05:45,064
And when he knocked
on the window,
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00:05:45,064 --> 00:05:47,528
we were both like, "Gah!"
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00:05:47,528 --> 00:05:50,033
We were so stoned
and so privileged,
137
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:53,624
we honestly forgot
we had even been pulled over.
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00:05:53,624 --> 00:05:56,212
And here's how the story ends:
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00:05:56,212 --> 00:05:58,132
we got off with a warning.
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00:05:58,132 --> 00:05:59,969
Nothing.
We got to keep driving.
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00:05:59,969 --> 00:06:02,015
Driving in her car.
♪ Speed so fast ♪
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00:06:02,015 --> 00:06:03,727
♪ Felt like I was drunk ♪
Sorry.
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00:06:03,727 --> 00:06:05,480
God, that is such a good song.
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00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:09,530
I wish I could sing more,
but we simply can't afford it.
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00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:12,244
This is what it is like
for white people.
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00:06:12,244 --> 00:06:14,498
It is why we like cops.
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00:06:14,498 --> 00:06:17,170
Some of us even wanted
to be them when we grew up.
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00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:19,049
At my small
New Hampshire kindergarten,
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00:06:19,049 --> 00:06:20,928
it was in the top three
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00:06:20,928 --> 00:06:22,765
of things we wanted to be
when we grew up‐‐
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00:06:22,765 --> 00:06:25,521
with firefighter
and butt doctor.
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00:06:25,521 --> 00:06:27,399
[laughter]
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00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:31,533
But we didn't know that cops
were white‐people protectors.
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00:06:31,533 --> 00:06:35,415
I didn't realize that if we had
been two young people of color,
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00:06:35,415 --> 00:06:37,962
the outcome would likely
have been very different‐‐
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00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,799
possibly leading to jail time,
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00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:43,055
possibly changing the course
of our lives forever.
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00:06:43,055 --> 00:06:45,811
We definitely would not have
gotten into butt doctor school.
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00:06:45,811 --> 00:06:47,815
That is for sure.
[laughter]
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00:06:47,815 --> 00:06:51,698
And here's the thing,
as a nation, we love to jail.
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00:06:51,698 --> 00:06:56,498
The United States is only 5%
of the total world population,
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00:06:56,498 --> 00:07:01,509
but we incarcerate 25%
of all the world's prisoners.
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00:07:01,509 --> 00:07:04,849
We currently have
2.3 million people in jail.
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00:07:04,849 --> 00:07:08,648
Our threshold for what
is criminal is very low.
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00:07:08,648 --> 00:07:11,403
Driving with
a suspended license, jail.
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00:07:11,403 --> 00:07:13,658
Cashing a bad check, jail.
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00:07:13,658 --> 00:07:16,623
Slug with a shell on its back,
snail.
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00:07:16,623 --> 00:07:18,919
[laughter]
That was a test.
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00:07:18,919 --> 00:07:22,885
I was testing you
to see if you were listening.
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00:07:22,885 --> 00:07:24,346
We love to jail,
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00:07:24,346 --> 00:07:26,350
and if you are
a person of color,
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00:07:26,350 --> 00:07:30,191
the chance you'll get arrested
is exponentially higher.
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00:07:30,191 --> 00:07:33,280
Everything about our justice
system is uniquely designed
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00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,368
to punish minorities
and poor people.
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00:07:35,368 --> 00:07:36,913
It just is.
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00:07:36,913 --> 00:07:39,459
Take, uh, you know,
minor drug charges.
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00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:43,050
Half of all federal prisoners
are in jail for drug offenses.
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00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:44,637
Half.
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00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:46,766
And even though
African Americans and whites
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00:07:46,766 --> 00:07:48,895
use drugs at similar rates,
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00:07:48,895 --> 00:07:52,778
black people are six times
more likely than white people
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00:07:52,778 --> 00:07:54,364
to go to prison for it.
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00:07:54,364 --> 00:07:56,076
If you're wondering
what just happened
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00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,247
to the rest of the
white potheads in that graphic,
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00:07:58,247 --> 00:07:59,542
don't worry about them.
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00:07:59,542 --> 00:08:00,961
They're at
a Dave Matthews concert.
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00:08:00,961 --> 00:08:02,213
[laughter]
188
00:08:02,213 --> 00:08:06,138
♪ We are white and entitled ♪
189
00:08:06,138 --> 00:08:09,144
[laughter]
That was really good.
190
00:08:10,104 --> 00:08:11,733
[sighs]
191
00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:15,281
Meanwhile,
good old GOP John Boehner
192
00:08:15,281 --> 00:08:18,830
is now sitting on the board
of a major weed distributor.
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00:08:18,830 --> 00:08:20,208
That is right.
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00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,295
The old, rich Republican
who once said
195
00:08:22,295 --> 00:08:25,552
he was "unalterably opposed"
to legalizing weed
196
00:08:25,552 --> 00:08:28,057
is now making money
off of weed.
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00:08:28,057 --> 00:08:30,144
The same drug that
black and brown people
198
00:08:30,144 --> 00:08:31,898
are still in jail for
199
00:08:31,898 --> 00:08:35,196
under legislation he supported
throughout his career.
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00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:38,536
I would call it hypocrisy,
but punishing minorities
201
00:08:38,536 --> 00:08:41,208
for doing the same shit
old white men make money off of
202
00:08:41,208 --> 00:08:44,214
is basically the GOP platform.
203
00:08:44,214 --> 00:08:46,678
It is like
if Mike Pence suddenly opened
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00:08:46,678 --> 00:08:49,725
a chain of gay bars.
[laughter]
205
00:08:49,725 --> 00:08:52,648
Oh, my God, he could go in
by himself without Mother.
206
00:08:52,648 --> 00:08:54,610
[laughter]
207
00:08:54,610 --> 00:08:57,323
Okay, if we're talking about
our absurdly racist
208
00:08:57,323 --> 00:09:01,331
and classist justice system,
we cannot leave out cash bail.
209
00:09:01,331 --> 00:09:04,379
Under our current system,
almost half a million people
210
00:09:04,379 --> 00:09:06,425
are waiting in jail for a trial
211
00:09:06,425 --> 00:09:10,684
that could take weeks or months
or even years to begin.
212
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:14,316
They are serving time before
they've even been to trial.
213
00:09:14,316 --> 00:09:16,111
Guess who isn't in jail?
214
00:09:16,111 --> 00:09:18,324
People with enough money
to post bail
215
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:19,994
or hire a good lawyer.
216
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:22,373
It is not
"innocent until proven guilty."
217
00:09:22,373 --> 00:09:24,920
It is
"guilty until proven not poor."
218
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,298
Think about that.
219
00:09:26,298 --> 00:09:28,260
There are innocent people
behind bars
220
00:09:28,260 --> 00:09:30,599
simply because
they can't afford bail,
221
00:09:30,599 --> 00:09:33,103
and there are guilty people
walking around freely
222
00:09:33,103 --> 00:09:34,815
because they can.
223
00:09:34,815 --> 00:09:38,238
Half a million people in jail
are awaiting trial.
224
00:09:38,238 --> 00:09:40,117
To put that in context,
225
00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:44,835
Six Flags sells over 15,000
funnel cakes every single day.
226
00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,589
[clears throat]
Okay, you know what?
227
00:09:46,589 --> 00:09:49,177
That is‐‐I don't think
that's a good comparison.
228
00:09:49,177 --> 00:09:51,348
I don't know why I chose that.
That‐‐that's not good.
229
00:09:51,348 --> 00:09:52,768
It seemed light and fun
at the time.
230
00:09:52,768 --> 00:09:54,522
I don't know.
231
00:09:54,522 --> 00:09:57,402
The question we have
to ask ourselves is:
232
00:09:57,402 --> 00:09:59,072
what is the purpose of prison?
233
00:09:59,072 --> 00:10:01,828
Because if it is
to rehabilitate people,
234
00:10:01,828 --> 00:10:03,957
we are failing miserably.
235
00:10:03,957 --> 00:10:06,169
But if it's to make money
off of bodies
236
00:10:06,169 --> 00:10:09,342
that we have trained ourselves
to no longer see as human,
237
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,846
then we're killing it.
238
00:10:10,846 --> 00:10:13,058
We lock up so many people,
239
00:10:13,058 --> 00:10:15,146
state prisons
can't even hold them all.
240
00:10:15,146 --> 00:10:16,733
So the government
pays private prisons
241
00:10:16,733 --> 00:10:18,485
to take the rest.
242
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:22,368
And private prisons are
a five billion dollar industry.
243
00:10:22,368 --> 00:10:25,792
Five billion
motherfucking dollars.
244
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,590
And the danger of
this business being lucrative
245
00:10:28,590 --> 00:10:31,261
is that incentivizes
putting people in prison
246
00:10:31,261 --> 00:10:33,056
and keeping them there.
247
00:10:33,056 --> 00:10:36,313
The more people they lock up,
the more they get paid.
248
00:10:36,313 --> 00:10:39,987
And the private prison industry
will continue to thrive
249
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:42,659
under our
"tough on crime" president.
250
00:10:42,659 --> 00:10:45,372
The prison industry and Trump
scratch each other's backs
251
00:10:45,372 --> 00:10:46,834
and their mutual success
252
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:49,507
is garnered
on the backs of prisoners.
253
00:10:49,507 --> 00:10:52,178
Trump promised
to reverse Obama's plan
254
00:10:52,178 --> 00:10:54,767
to phase out private prisons,
and because of that,
255
00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:56,604
major private prison
corporations
256
00:10:56,604 --> 00:10:59,067
like GEO Group
and CoreCivic
257
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,071
donated
massive amounts of money
258
00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:02,908
to Republican PACs
to get 'em elected,
259
00:11:02,908 --> 00:11:04,202
and they did.
260
00:11:04,202 --> 00:11:06,541
And the very day
Trump was elected,
261
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:09,964
the stocks of those
two corporations shot up.
262
00:11:09,964 --> 00:11:12,970
It is evil.
It is "other countries do this,
263
00:11:12,970 --> 00:11:15,559
not us" evil.
But then you remember,
264
00:11:15,559 --> 00:11:18,063
we're the "rip children away
from their mothers" country,
265
00:11:18,063 --> 00:11:20,777
and it all makes sense.
[laughter]
266
00:11:20,777 --> 00:11:22,739
Trump thrives on fear.
267
00:11:22,739 --> 00:11:24,158
He's your protector
268
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:25,996
and everyone else
is a potential threat.
269
00:11:25,996 --> 00:11:27,541
Democrats, the media,
270
00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:29,587
minorities, facts.
271
00:11:29,587 --> 00:11:31,006
[laughter]
272
00:11:31,006 --> 00:11:33,010
He's even criminalizing
refugees.
273
00:11:33,010 --> 00:11:36,391
He is turning a group
of migrants seeking asylum
274
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:38,730
into a fresh stream
of "criminals."
275
00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:40,149
And guess what?
276
00:11:40,149 --> 00:11:42,571
There is money
to be made there too.
277
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:44,909
The private prison company
GEO Group
278
00:11:44,909 --> 00:11:49,125
has over 470 million dollars
in ICE contracts.
279
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,797
And if we don't treat our
own citizens well in prison,
280
00:11:51,797 --> 00:11:55,931
just imagine how we will treat
undocumented immigrants.
281
00:11:55,931 --> 00:11:58,060
Trump wants you to see danger,
282
00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:01,232
but make no mistake,
he is seeing dollar signs.
283
00:12:01,232 --> 00:12:02,694
Follow the money.
284
00:12:02,694 --> 00:12:04,990
GEO Groups
top donations this year are
285
00:12:04,990 --> 00:12:07,871
to the three Texas congressmen
who determine funding
286
00:12:07,871 --> 00:12:11,336
for immigration detention
centers and private prisons.
287
00:12:11,336 --> 00:12:13,340
As long as there is
money to be made
288
00:12:13,340 --> 00:12:15,260
in keeping people behind bars,
289
00:12:15,260 --> 00:12:18,266
we will find a way
to call people criminals.
290
00:12:18,266 --> 00:12:20,605
In Los Angeles,
it's currently against the law
291
00:12:20,605 --> 00:12:22,316
to sleep in your car.
292
00:12:22,316 --> 00:12:24,487
That's our solution
to homelessness?
293
00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:26,199
How is sleeping a crime?
294
00:12:26,199 --> 00:12:28,078
People are
their least dangerous
295
00:12:28,078 --> 00:12:30,207
when they're sleeping.
Look at this little guy.
296
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:33,171
[laughter]
Aww.
297
00:12:34,550 --> 00:12:37,889
Aww, genocide is exhausting.
298
00:12:37,889 --> 00:12:39,350
[laughter]
299
00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:41,354
Look.
I am a criminal.
300
00:12:41,354 --> 00:12:44,570
The amount of weed I smoked
before legalization
301
00:12:44,570 --> 00:12:46,114
could fill a stadium,
302
00:12:46,114 --> 00:12:48,536
and yet black people
and brown people
303
00:12:48,536 --> 00:12:50,582
are serving long sentences
304
00:12:50,582 --> 00:12:54,172
for doing what I do
every single night before bed.
305
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:58,096
I'm talking about smoking weed,
not masturbating.
306
00:12:58,096 --> 00:13:01,102
Masturbation's illegal,
then put me in cuffs.
307
00:13:01,102 --> 00:13:04,192
Just keep one arm free.
[laughter]
308
00:13:04,192 --> 00:13:06,404
I guess that's probably
not how cuffs work.
309
00:13:06,404 --> 00:13:07,991
Fuck it.
I don't even need my hands.
310
00:13:07,991 --> 00:13:10,162
I'll just use
the corner of my cot.
311
00:13:10,162 --> 00:13:13,711
[laughter]
312
00:13:13,711 --> 00:13:16,884
Our justice system
upholds the status quo
313
00:13:16,884 --> 00:13:19,180
for the white and powerful,
314
00:13:19,180 --> 00:13:20,600
because in America,
315
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,854
sleeping while homeless
is a crime,
316
00:13:22,854 --> 00:13:25,109
walking while black is a crime,
317
00:13:25,109 --> 00:13:27,113
but being white and
high off your ass
318
00:13:27,113 --> 00:13:30,452
in your stepfather's car
is a childhood memory.
319
00:13:30,452 --> 00:13:33,458
[cheers and applause]
320
00:13:42,017 --> 00:13:45,107
You know, all trilogies need
an epic conclusion.
321
00:13:45,107 --> 00:13:47,779
"Return of the Jedi."
"Return of the King."
322
00:13:47,779 --> 00:13:51,035
Here is part three of my
interview with President Trump,
323
00:13:51,035 --> 00:13:53,164
"Return of the Dipshit."
Take a look.
324
00:13:53,164 --> 00:13:55,879
[dramatic music]
325
00:13:55,879 --> 00:13:58,008
‐ Describe your perfect day.
326
00:13:58,008 --> 00:14:00,680
‐ A perfect day
is I wake up at 6:30
327
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,391
and I got a smooth one.
328
00:14:02,391 --> 00:14:05,022
Not some wet blast
that blows me out of the toilet
329
00:14:05,022 --> 00:14:06,482
for, like, a half hour,
you know?
330
00:14:06,482 --> 00:14:07,861
‐ Right, right.
331
00:14:07,861 --> 00:14:09,615
TRUMP: Something
that drops quickly, okay?
332
00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,242
Something big.
Big boom.
333
00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:13,748
Like, you know, Hiroshima.
One drop, and it's done.
334
00:14:13,748 --> 00:14:16,044
SARAH: Big boom‐boom.
‐ Big boom‐boom.
335
00:14:16,044 --> 00:14:17,505
I send some tweets,
336
00:14:17,505 --> 00:14:20,385
and then nobody bothers me
for three hours.
337
00:14:20,385 --> 00:14:23,809
Oh, and I have cake
for breakfast!
338
00:14:23,809 --> 00:14:25,813
‐ I remember hearing a story
about you
339
00:14:25,813 --> 00:14:27,859
picking up Don Jr.
for a Yankees game and‐‐
340
00:14:27,859 --> 00:14:29,613
‐ Punched him
right in the face.
341
00:14:29,613 --> 00:14:31,951
He showed up,
and he was in his sweats.
342
00:14:31,951 --> 00:14:33,370
And I was in my suit.
343
00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:34,831
And I was like,
"The hell are you doing?
344
00:14:34,831 --> 00:14:36,084
"We're going
to the Yankees game.
345
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,712
"Joe Torre's gonna be there.
346
00:14:37,712 --> 00:14:39,967
"Okay?
Oil Can Boyd
347
00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:42,471
"and the guy
from 'Field of Dreams.'
348
00:14:42,471 --> 00:14:43,808
You're embarrassing me."
349
00:14:43,808 --> 00:14:45,770
So I punched him
right in the face,
350
00:14:45,770 --> 00:14:48,066
and he went back like it was,
like that movie,
351
00:14:48,066 --> 00:14:50,487
"Something About Mary,"
just funny,
352
00:14:50,487 --> 00:14:52,449
just, he went back and fell.
353
00:14:52,449 --> 00:14:54,788
‐ Well, I wish I could say
it's been an honor,
354
00:14:54,788 --> 00:14:57,752
but it has been
an interesting experience.
355
00:14:57,752 --> 00:15:01,092
And, um, thank you for...
356
00:15:01,092 --> 00:15:03,556
‐ Sarah. So great to meet you.
SARAH: Ugh.
357
00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:05,560
TRUMP: Wow, incredible.
By the way,
358
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,314
I got tons of upskirts
while we were talking.
359
00:15:08,314 --> 00:15:12,699
‐ I think you're abhorrent,
and you break my heart,
360
00:15:12,699 --> 00:15:15,872
and I think you're a bad man
with no ideology,
361
00:15:15,872 --> 00:15:18,878
and just human garbage
to the core,
362
00:15:18,878 --> 00:15:20,840
and I really don't like
to think of people that way,
363
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,844
but I do think of you that way,
364
00:15:22,844 --> 00:15:24,973
and I do believe that,
if there were hell,
365
00:15:24,973 --> 00:15:27,812
which there isn't,
you would be going to hell.
366
00:15:27,812 --> 00:15:29,315
‐ It was great to talk
with you, Sarah.
367
00:15:29,315 --> 00:15:30,985
SARAH: Great to talk to you.
‐ Real pleasure.
368
00:15:30,985 --> 00:15:33,114
So wonderful.
SARAH: Thank you.
369
00:15:33,114 --> 00:15:35,578
‐ There we go.
She's leaving, folks.
370
00:15:35,578 --> 00:15:37,331
Unbelievable,
let me tell you that.
371
00:15:37,331 --> 00:15:39,001
♪ ♪
372
00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:40,128
[cheers and applause]
373
00:15:43,719 --> 00:15:45,055
[Psychic Friend's"We Do Not Belong" plays]
374
00:15:45,055 --> 00:15:47,059
[cheers and applause]
375
00:15:47,059 --> 00:15:50,440
‐ I know Jeff Sessions is out,
but I don't want you to worry.
376
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:51,985
I'm stepping up and assembling
377
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:54,156
my very own
religious task force.
378
00:15:54,156 --> 00:15:55,868
Take a look.
379
00:15:55,868 --> 00:15:57,412
I'm here with representatives
380
00:15:57,412 --> 00:15:59,416
of the five biggest religions
in America,
381
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:03,592
and today, we're gonna find out
once and for all, definitively,
382
00:16:03,592 --> 00:16:07,725
which religion is right
through a game of horse.
383
00:16:12,652 --> 00:16:13,696
Did it go in?
384
00:16:13,696 --> 00:16:15,031
[upbeat dance music]
385
00:16:15,031 --> 00:16:17,704
Playing for Christianity
at 5'5 1/2",
386
00:16:17,704 --> 00:16:20,000
her favorite book
is probably the Bible,
387
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,962
from the Bel Air Church,
388
00:16:21,962 --> 00:16:24,968
make it loud
for Pastor Kim Dorr!
389
00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:27,389
KIM: Christianity is
all about Jesus.
390
00:16:27,389 --> 00:16:29,143
We believe he died for us
391
00:16:29,143 --> 00:16:32,107
so that our relationship
with God can be restored.
392
00:16:32,107 --> 00:16:34,486
We believe that
we're saved by grace.
393
00:16:34,486 --> 00:16:36,867
SARAH: Repping hard for Islam,
at 5'10",
394
00:16:36,867 --> 00:16:39,288
the founding president
of Bayan Claremont
395
00:16:39,288 --> 00:16:41,167
Islamic Graduate School,
396
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:44,131
the beast that only shoots
facing east,
397
00:16:44,131 --> 00:16:45,968
Imam Jihad Turk.
398
00:16:45,968 --> 00:16:47,304
‐ God is one.
399
00:16:47,304 --> 00:16:49,768
He's creative,
beautiful, loving,
400
00:16:49,768 --> 00:16:52,022
and you should try
and be a good person.
401
00:16:52,022 --> 00:16:53,525
SARAH:
He's here for the Hindus.
402
00:16:53,525 --> 00:16:55,445
At 5'9",
the senior teacher
403
00:16:55,445 --> 00:16:57,784
at the Chinmaya Mission
in Los Angeles.
404
00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,121
In another life,
he was Wilt Chamberlain.
405
00:17:00,121 --> 00:17:03,044
Give it up
for Swami Ishwarananda.
406
00:17:11,352 --> 00:17:13,607
SARAH: Playing for Buddhism,
coming in at 5'2".
407
00:17:13,607 --> 00:17:16,530
When he's meditating,
he believes we're all one.
408
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:19,451
When he's fouled,
he gets an and‐one.
409
00:17:19,451 --> 00:17:23,585
Lose your shit
for Rimban William Briones.
410
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:26,215
‐ Buddhism is about
becoming aware of yourself,
411
00:17:26,215 --> 00:17:27,635
becoming enlightened,
412
00:17:27,635 --> 00:17:29,305
becoming aware
of our own ignorance.
413
00:17:29,305 --> 00:17:31,810
This is what all Buddhists
aspire to.
414
00:17:31,810 --> 00:17:34,941
SARAH: Representing Judaism,
standing at a height of 5'11",
415
00:17:34,941 --> 00:17:37,446
his cross‐over will leave you
wandering the desert
416
00:17:37,446 --> 00:17:40,493
for 40 years,
Rabbi Noah Farkas.
417
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,957
NOAH: Judaism is
a transformative religion
418
00:17:42,957 --> 00:17:44,460
that says that your tomorrows
419
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,130
don't have to look like
your yesterdays.
420
00:17:46,130 --> 00:17:47,424
Through a covenant with God,
421
00:17:47,424 --> 00:17:48,927
we can all love
each other more.
422
00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:50,514
SARAH: Playing for atheism,
423
00:17:50,514 --> 00:17:52,225
coming in at 5'7",
you know her
424
00:17:52,225 --> 00:17:54,104
from her Hulu show
"I Love You, America"‐‐
425
00:17:54,104 --> 00:17:57,069
because you're watching it
right now, suckas‐‐
426
00:17:57,069 --> 00:18:00,367
give it up for me,
Sarah Silverman.
427
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:01,787
There's probably no God.
428
00:18:01,787 --> 00:18:03,874
Can't imagine there is one,
429
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:07,339
and I'm more into,
like, science and love.
430
00:18:07,339 --> 00:18:08,926
All right, let's do this.
431
00:18:08,926 --> 00:18:10,345
Whoever makes the shot,
432
00:18:10,345 --> 00:18:11,848
the following player
has to copy it.
433
00:18:11,848 --> 00:18:13,727
If you miss, you get a letter.
434
00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:17,652
If you spell horse,
you are out.
435
00:18:17,652 --> 00:18:20,574
Last man or probably woman
standing wins,
436
00:18:20,574 --> 00:18:22,327
and we will know
once and for all...
437
00:18:24,081 --> 00:18:25,543
[horse neighs]
438
00:18:25,543 --> 00:18:26,795
I'm gonna go first.
439
00:18:26,795 --> 00:18:28,297
You've gotta do
everything I do.
440
00:18:28,297 --> 00:18:30,468
Dribble twice.
441
00:18:30,468 --> 00:18:32,472
Draw a picture of Mohammed.
442
00:18:32,472 --> 00:18:34,476
Kidding.
‐ [chuckles]
443
00:18:34,476 --> 00:18:37,734
‐ And then say,
"Tom Skerritt's underrated!"
444
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:39,779
[upbeat music]
445
00:18:39,779 --> 00:18:42,159
Easy‐peasy titty squeezy.
446
00:18:42,159 --> 00:18:43,369
[laughter]
447
00:18:43,369 --> 00:18:46,500
‐ Tom Skerritt's underrated.
448
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,549
‐ Whoa‐ho!
‐ Tom Skerritt is underrated.
449
00:18:49,549 --> 00:18:52,429
Whoo!
‐ Shanti.
450
00:18:52,429 --> 00:18:55,268
‐ [laughs]
‐ Ooh.
451
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:58,274
ALL: Oh!
MAN: So close!
452
00:18:58,274 --> 00:19:00,236
‐ E‐mam Jihad.
‐ Imam Jihad.
453
00:19:00,236 --> 00:19:02,240
‐ Imam Jihad?
‐ Yeah.
454
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,829
‐ What, are you from
the Midwest of the Middle East?
455
00:19:04,829 --> 00:19:07,292
‐ So this is an homage
to Jamaal Wilkes,
456
00:19:07,292 --> 00:19:08,837
an old Lakers player.
457
00:19:08,837 --> 00:19:10,508
♪ ♪
458
00:19:10,508 --> 00:19:12,804
‐ Oh, my God,
he missed foul shots too?
459
00:19:12,804 --> 00:19:13,806
‐ [laughs]
460
00:19:21,738 --> 00:19:24,409
‐ So there are no
happy crocodiles.
461
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,211
‐ I feel like rats seem okay.
462
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:32,510
Their threshold for happiness
is so low.
463
00:19:32,510 --> 00:19:33,720
‐ Okay.
464
00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,183
‐ They love garbage and subways
465
00:19:36,183 --> 00:19:38,437
and my apartment.
466
00:19:38,437 --> 00:19:41,402
‐ Me not going to be
a crocodile again.
467
00:19:41,402 --> 00:19:43,197
[groans]
‐ [chuckles]
468
00:19:43,197 --> 00:19:45,828
‐ You know why Buddha doesn't
vacuum under the sofa?
469
00:19:45,828 --> 00:19:48,584
‐ Why?
‐ He has no attachments.
470
00:19:48,584 --> 00:19:50,838
Yes!
SARAH: [laughs]
471
00:19:50,838 --> 00:19:52,299
‐ We're Pure Land Buddhists.
472
00:19:52,299 --> 00:19:54,929
It's from Japan
almost 800 years ago,
473
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:56,725
and there are many traditions
of Buddhism,
474
00:19:56,725 --> 00:19:58,520
so I can only speak
for our tradition.
475
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,566
‐ Are there any kind of leaders
of that‐‐
476
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:01,902
‐ No, that's the problem.
477
00:20:01,902 --> 00:20:03,237
We don't have anyone
charismatic.
478
00:20:03,237 --> 00:20:04,908
‐ I mean, I'm free.
‐ [laughs]
479
00:20:04,908 --> 00:20:06,953
‐ Not free, I mean available.
‐ Yeah.
480
00:20:06,953 --> 00:20:09,333
‐ No attachment.
SARAH: [gasps]
481
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,669
ALL: [cheering]
482
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:12,255
‐ Just quickly, do you believe
483
00:20:12,255 --> 00:20:14,259
there's a two‐state solution
that could happen?
484
00:20:14,259 --> 00:20:15,596
[all laugh]
485
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:17,182
‐ We've actually talked
about it.
486
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,560
We both believe
that there should be
487
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,938
a home for Palestinians.
488
00:20:19,938 --> 00:20:21,691
‐ Yeah.
‐ And a home for Jews.
489
00:20:21,691 --> 00:20:23,402
‐ You guys are friendly, right?
BOTH: Yeah.
490
00:20:23,402 --> 00:20:25,198
‐ And you do
a lot of events together?
491
00:20:25,198 --> 00:20:28,622
I mean, what is
your hummus budget?
492
00:20:28,622 --> 00:20:31,544
Some of you don't eat beef,
some of you don't eat pork,
493
00:20:31,544 --> 00:20:35,385
but all of you are gonna
eat my shorts.
494
00:20:36,805 --> 00:20:38,558
[laughter]
495
00:20:38,558 --> 00:20:42,023
‐ Can a Muslim do a Hail Mary?
496
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:43,484
ALL: Oh!
497
00:20:43,484 --> 00:20:44,904
SARAH: No way.
498
00:20:44,904 --> 00:20:47,618
[laughter]
499
00:20:47,618 --> 00:20:49,037
SARAH: Ugh.
500
00:20:49,037 --> 00:20:50,123
Terrible.
501
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,458
If you achieve enlightenment
502
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:54,214
during this game,
that's cheating.
503
00:20:54,214 --> 00:20:56,636
‐ Oh, jeez.
I guess not.
504
00:20:56,636 --> 00:20:58,598
KIM: I was raised
in a Christian home,
505
00:20:58,598 --> 00:21:02,022
but my family had no knowledge
of Jesus.
506
00:21:02,022 --> 00:21:03,859
No knowledge of scripture.
507
00:21:03,859 --> 00:21:06,990
When I was 30, I walked
into church not believing,
508
00:21:06,990 --> 00:21:09,286
and I walked out
given the gift of faith.
509
00:21:09,286 --> 00:21:10,748
I'm gonna try the layup.
510
00:21:10,748 --> 00:21:12,500
SARAH: I'm obsessed
with Christianity.
511
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,881
I mean, I'm sexting
with a Jesuit priest right now.
512
00:21:14,881 --> 00:21:16,425
Let's be honest.
I really am.
513
00:21:16,425 --> 00:21:17,928
‐ Help me, Lord, help me.
514
00:21:17,928 --> 00:21:21,018
‐ I mean, he would
maybe call it texting.
515
00:21:21,018 --> 00:21:23,272
[laughter]
516
00:21:23,272 --> 00:21:26,236
Where's your God now, Pastor?
517
00:21:26,236 --> 00:21:29,619
‐ Let us work out our karma.
518
00:21:31,330 --> 00:21:33,000
SARAH: Oh!
‐ There we are.
519
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,461
Cool!
‐ All right.
520
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:37,092
My first time in Israel,
I was 15,
521
00:21:37,092 --> 00:21:39,179
and it was the first place
in the world
522
00:21:39,179 --> 00:21:40,933
where I felt normal.
523
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:44,524
‐ Yeah, Israel is just,
like, jam‐packed with Jews.
524
00:21:44,524 --> 00:21:47,403
‐ It's like New York, only‐‐
‐ Only less religious.
525
00:21:47,403 --> 00:21:49,617
‐ Thousands of years
of Jewish tradition,
526
00:21:49,617 --> 00:21:52,873
it all comes down to my karma.
527
00:21:52,873 --> 00:21:54,502
[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]
528
00:21:55,838 --> 00:21:58,134
‐ Oy, I'm out!
[buzzer sounds]
529
00:21:58,134 --> 00:21:59,595
‐ We're gonna reclaim
"Allahu Akbar"
530
00:21:59,595 --> 00:22:01,473
to mean something good.
God is great.
531
00:22:02,685 --> 00:22:03,812
ALL: Oh!
532
00:22:03,812 --> 00:22:05,314
‐ God is great.
533
00:22:05,314 --> 00:22:07,736
[grunts]
SARAH: But your shot isn't.
534
00:22:07,736 --> 00:22:08,864
[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]
535
00:22:08,864 --> 00:22:10,449
We're down to three.
536
00:22:10,449 --> 00:22:12,830
Sorry, this is
a real sausage fest.
537
00:22:12,830 --> 00:22:14,667
‐ [grunts]
‐ [laughs]
538
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,420
SARAH: Ooh!
539
00:22:16,420 --> 00:22:17,506
Oh!
540
00:22:17,506 --> 00:22:19,259
‐ [grunts]
541
00:22:19,259 --> 00:22:21,263
♪ ♪
542
00:22:21,263 --> 00:22:23,560
SARAH: Oh!
543
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,023
ALL: Oh!
544
00:22:26,023 --> 00:22:27,902
ALL: Oh!
545
00:22:27,902 --> 00:22:29,947
[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]
546
00:22:29,947 --> 00:22:31,701
‐ And then there were two.
547
00:22:31,701 --> 00:22:33,162
‐ Here you go.
548
00:22:33,162 --> 00:22:35,082
♪ ♪
549
00:22:35,082 --> 00:22:36,711
‐ He's amazing.
SARAH: This is it.
550
00:22:36,711 --> 00:22:38,965
If he misses it,
this game is over
551
00:22:38,965 --> 00:22:42,681
and Hinduism is the only
true religion.
552
00:22:42,681 --> 00:22:44,059
No pressure.
553
00:22:44,059 --> 00:22:45,436
‐ Pressure's on.
554
00:22:45,436 --> 00:22:49,486
♪ ♪
555
00:22:49,486 --> 00:22:51,866
ALL: Oh!
[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]
556
00:22:54,162 --> 00:22:56,041
[uplifting piano music]
557
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:59,339
‐ Hinduism!
Who ever thought?
558
00:22:59,339 --> 00:23:01,719
Congratulations.
[heavenly choral music]
559
00:23:01,719 --> 00:23:05,101
Hinduism is
the one true religion.
560
00:23:05,101 --> 00:23:06,646
Or...
[music slows down]
561
00:23:06,646 --> 00:23:09,652
I do have an idea.
We could do sudden death.
562
00:23:09,652 --> 00:23:12,908
I take this shot,
and if I make it,
563
00:23:12,908 --> 00:23:14,620
no God.
564
00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:16,206
Here we go.
565
00:23:17,292 --> 00:23:19,588
This is for all the marbles
566
00:23:19,588 --> 00:23:22,468
in a made‐up game
that I created.
567
00:23:27,437 --> 00:23:30,443
[heavenly choral music]
568
00:23:30,443 --> 00:23:36,998
♪ ♪
569
00:23:41,591 --> 00:23:43,010
ALL: [gasping]
570
00:23:43,010 --> 00:23:46,224
[dramatic music]
571
00:23:46,224 --> 00:23:52,445
♪ ♪
572
00:23:56,203 --> 00:23:59,125
‐ [laughs, inhales]
I did it!
573
00:23:59,125 --> 00:24:00,587
Yes!
574
00:24:00,587 --> 00:24:02,841
There's no God!
[laughs]
575
00:24:02,841 --> 00:24:05,346
No God, motherfuckers.
576
00:24:08,603 --> 00:24:10,607
[Psychic Friend's"We Do Not Belong" plays]
577
00:24:10,607 --> 00:24:12,694
[cheers and applause]
578
00:24:15,951 --> 00:24:18,247
[Psychic Friend's"We Do Not Belong" plays]
579
00:24:18,247 --> 00:24:21,420
‐ We all know him
as a brilliant host,
580
00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:24,342
but how is he as a guest?
Let's find out.
581
00:24:24,342 --> 00:24:27,014
Please welcome my friend,
hilarious comedian,
582
00:24:27,014 --> 00:24:29,603
and host of
"Real Time with Bill Maher,"
583
00:24:29,603 --> 00:24:31,231
the man to my left,
Bill Maher.
584
00:24:31,231 --> 00:24:33,152
‐ Hey.
[cheers and applause]
585
00:24:33,152 --> 00:24:34,530
Hi.
586
00:24:34,530 --> 00:24:35,991
[applause continues]
587
00:24:35,991 --> 00:24:38,370
Hello, show business.
588
00:24:38,370 --> 00:24:40,332
‐ You're on my show.
‐ Yes.
589
00:24:40,332 --> 00:24:42,128
And you're gonna be
on my show Friday.
590
00:24:42,128 --> 00:24:43,673
‐ I am.
‐ [laughs]
591
00:24:43,673 --> 00:24:45,092
‐ [sighs]
‐ It looks a little suspicious.
592
00:24:45,092 --> 00:24:46,721
‐ I hope they both go great.
‐ Yeah.
593
00:24:46,721 --> 00:24:48,182
[laughter]
594
00:24:48,182 --> 00:24:50,311
‐ You said this is a‐‐
uh, what is it?
595
00:24:50,311 --> 00:24:52,649
"Win or go home" election.
596
00:24:52,649 --> 00:24:54,528
‐ "Win or go home," yeah.
‐ Did we win or go home?
597
00:24:54,528 --> 00:24:56,114
[both laugh]
‐ Well, of course,
598
00:24:56,114 --> 00:24:57,826
I was saying that
to get people to vote,
599
00:24:57,826 --> 00:24:59,705
especially the young people.
Did you vote?
600
00:24:59,705 --> 00:25:02,210
Yeah, I'm sure you did.
[cheers and applause]
601
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:04,422
So... [clears throat]
But the truth is,
602
00:25:04,422 --> 00:25:06,761
we, uh‐‐we postponed the, uh...
[laughs]
603
00:25:06,761 --> 00:25:08,430
Doomsday for a little while.
604
00:25:08,430 --> 00:25:11,812
Uh, you, I saw,
gave a very cogent reason
605
00:25:11,812 --> 00:25:13,900
to be optimistic.
606
00:25:13,900 --> 00:25:15,570
Let me just present
the other side.
607
00:25:15,570 --> 00:25:17,658
Just so that they hear both.
SARAH: Mm‐hmm.
608
00:25:17,658 --> 00:25:20,622
‐ 'Cause I think optimism
is very dangerous
609
00:25:20,622 --> 00:25:23,503
in the era of Trump.
610
00:25:23,503 --> 00:25:25,005
The Democrats
did take the House.
611
00:25:25,005 --> 00:25:26,466
That's good, of course.
612
00:25:26,466 --> 00:25:27,636
But...
613
00:25:27,636 --> 00:25:29,515
I mean, considering that,
614
00:25:29,515 --> 00:25:31,852
you know,
it's an election about Trump,
615
00:25:31,852 --> 00:25:33,690
not only the‐‐
maybe the worst president,
616
00:25:33,690 --> 00:25:36,361
but possibly the worst human...
SARAH: Mm‐hmm.
617
00:25:36,361 --> 00:25:39,367
[cheers and applause]
I've known ever‐‐
618
00:25:39,367 --> 00:25:41,079
you know...
[clears throat]
619
00:25:41,079 --> 00:25:43,585
Seen on the stage.
620
00:25:43,585 --> 00:25:47,174
They did what has happened
before in midterm elections.
621
00:25:47,174 --> 00:25:50,097
Not the first time it
flipped the script, you know?
622
00:25:50,097 --> 00:25:51,642
So I was hoping
we do better.
623
00:25:51,642 --> 00:25:53,103
I was hoping
we would win the Senate.
624
00:25:53,103 --> 00:25:55,775
I gave a rather large donation
for that,
625
00:25:55,775 --> 00:25:58,155
which, of course,
didn't really pay off.
626
00:25:58,155 --> 00:25:59,407
SARAH:
Do they give you money back
627
00:25:59,407 --> 00:26:01,244
when that doesn't happen or...?
628
00:26:01,244 --> 00:26:02,496
[laughter]
629
00:26:02,496 --> 00:26:04,083
‐ Fuck no.
630
00:26:04,083 --> 00:26:06,589
But I got a nice call
from Chuck Schumer
631
00:26:06,589 --> 00:26:09,553
So‐‐so that was worth
a million dollars.
632
00:26:09,553 --> 00:26:11,139
[laughter]
633
00:26:11,139 --> 00:26:14,062
‐ Whoa.
BILL: But, uh, what's good is,
634
00:26:14,062 --> 00:26:16,149
he lost the suburbs.
SARAH: Yeah.
635
00:26:16,149 --> 00:26:17,986
‐ You know, what we saw
in this election is that
636
00:26:17,986 --> 00:26:20,992
the divide
between the country mice
637
00:26:20,992 --> 00:26:22,788
and the city mice,
638
00:26:22,788 --> 00:26:25,167
even more outrageous now.
639
00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:27,046
We have nothing in common,
apparently.
640
00:26:27,046 --> 00:26:28,382
The people in the rural areas
641
00:26:28,382 --> 00:26:29,968
versus the people
in the cities.
642
00:26:29,968 --> 00:26:32,139
The people in the suburbs,
643
00:26:32,139 --> 00:26:34,352
they are physically
in the middle of that,
644
00:26:34,352 --> 00:26:36,524
and they are intellectually
in the middle of that,
645
00:26:36,524 --> 00:26:37,984
and politically.
646
00:26:37,984 --> 00:26:40,322
That's who
the "Independent" voter is.
647
00:26:40,322 --> 00:26:42,284
He had those in 2016.
648
00:26:42,284 --> 00:26:44,163
They didn't like
a lot of things about him,
649
00:26:44,163 --> 00:26:45,667
but they were
the people who went,
650
00:26:45,667 --> 00:26:47,420
"Well, I don't follow politics
that much,
651
00:26:47,420 --> 00:26:48,881
"but we need
somebody new in there
652
00:26:48,881 --> 00:26:50,342
that blah, blah, blah."
653
00:26:50,342 --> 00:26:52,346
You know, change it up,
break things.
654
00:26:52,346 --> 00:26:53,933
You know, "we need
a bull in the china shop."
655
00:26:53,933 --> 00:26:55,895
Then they found out
they're the china...
656
00:26:55,895 --> 00:26:57,064
[laughter]
657
00:26:57,064 --> 00:26:58,526
And they don't like it.
658
00:26:58,526 --> 00:27:00,572
‐ Like, if you put pe‐‐
kids in cages,
659
00:27:00,572 --> 00:27:02,366
that's not enough
for everyone to say,
660
00:27:02,366 --> 00:27:03,953
"This is madness"?
661
00:27:03,953 --> 00:27:06,584
‐ Yeah, I mean,
there's a lot of atrocities
662
00:27:06,584 --> 00:27:08,588
that have gone on
in this administration,
663
00:27:08,588 --> 00:27:11,844
but the worst is
this threat to democracy.
664
00:27:11,844 --> 00:27:13,973
The worst is somebody
who has gotten away
665
00:27:13,973 --> 00:27:16,979
with going to war
against the FBI.
666
00:27:16,979 --> 00:27:18,691
SARAH: Just right in front
of our fucking faces,
667
00:27:18,691 --> 00:27:20,402
and then firing Sessions today,
668
00:27:20,402 --> 00:27:22,323
the second he knows
he's got the Senate secure...
669
00:27:22,323 --> 00:27:23,743
‐ Yeah.
670
00:27:23,743 --> 00:27:25,037
‐ And that's to go after
Mueller, right?
671
00:27:25,037 --> 00:27:27,751
‐ Well, of course.
And appointing‐‐
672
00:27:27,751 --> 00:27:29,713
I‐I‐‐this guy.
673
00:27:29,713 --> 00:27:32,969
You know, we did a bit once on
our show about the movie "Gus."
674
00:27:32,969 --> 00:27:34,388
Do you remember
the movie "Gus"?
675
00:27:34,388 --> 00:27:36,184
‐ No.
BILL: It was a Disney movie,
676
00:27:36,184 --> 00:27:39,983
and it was about
a field‐goal‐kicking mule.
677
00:27:39,983 --> 00:27:41,862
[laughter]
678
00:27:41,862 --> 00:27:43,783
You remember it.
679
00:27:43,783 --> 00:27:45,703
And the reason why
we were talking about it,
680
00:27:45,703 --> 00:27:48,166
'cause the premise of the movie
was that
681
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:51,130
it was not specifically written
in the rule book...
682
00:27:51,130 --> 00:27:52,509
MAN: [laughs]
683
00:27:52,509 --> 00:27:54,638
‐ That guy understands
where I'm going.
684
00:27:54,638 --> 00:27:56,850
It was not specifically written
in the rule book
685
00:27:56,850 --> 00:27:58,980
that you couldn't have a mule
on a football team.
686
00:27:58,980 --> 00:28:00,858
SARAH: [laughs]
‐ So‐‐and, of course,
687
00:28:00,858 --> 00:28:03,071
the mule can kick well.
So he became Gus the‐‐
688
00:28:03,071 --> 00:28:04,950
[laughs]
Football‐‐
689
00:28:04,950 --> 00:28:07,246
field‐goal‐kicking mule.
And this is Trump.
690
00:28:07,246 --> 00:28:08,791
If it's not
specifically written‐‐
691
00:28:08,791 --> 00:28:10,795
there are so many things
we just never used to do
692
00:28:10,795 --> 00:28:13,258
because we were like,
"Nobody would ever do that."
693
00:28:13,258 --> 00:28:14,803
And then he does them all.
694
00:28:14,803 --> 00:28:17,349
And appointing
a new attorney general,
695
00:28:17,349 --> 00:28:20,147
a guy who a year ago wasn't
even in the Justice Department,
696
00:28:20,147 --> 00:28:23,445
a guy who's plainly a stooge,
it's again "Gus."
697
00:28:23,445 --> 00:28:25,449
It's not specifically written
in the rule book...
698
00:28:25,449 --> 00:28:28,079
SARAH: That's "Gus."
‐ So he does it.
699
00:28:28,079 --> 00:28:29,583
‐ The great "Gus" analogy.
700
00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:32,672
‐ The "Gus" Analogy,
it explains it all.
701
00:28:32,672 --> 00:28:34,425
[scattered applause]
702
00:28:34,425 --> 00:28:36,639
‐ He was giving a‐‐
Wednesday, he was like,
703
00:28:36,639 --> 00:28:39,519
uh, shitting on,
you know, any ma‐‐
704
00:28:39,519 --> 00:28:42,024
any kind of,
um, centerist Republicans
705
00:28:42,024 --> 00:28:43,527
that wouldn't suck his dick,
706
00:28:43,527 --> 00:28:46,199
and then basically
we're left with Democrats
707
00:28:46,199 --> 00:28:49,413
and extreme right extremists.
BILL: Well‐‐
708
00:28:49,413 --> 00:28:52,002
‐ So where do
those centerist Republicans go?
709
00:28:52,002 --> 00:28:55,258
‐ There haven't been centerist
Republicans for many years.
710
00:28:55,258 --> 00:28:57,429
That's an endangered species.
711
00:28:57,429 --> 00:28:58,808
we just have the ones‐‐
712
00:28:58,808 --> 00:29:00,645
‐ You wouldn't say McCain was?
No?
713
00:29:00,645 --> 00:29:03,651
‐ He just was a guy who had‐‐
who had a sense of honor,
714
00:29:03,651 --> 00:29:05,697
uh, but he did s‐‐
he did things we didn't like
715
00:29:05,697 --> 00:29:07,157
all along the way.
SARAH: Absolutely.
716
00:29:07,157 --> 00:29:08,577
‐ I mean,
when he had to win an election,
717
00:29:08,577 --> 00:29:09,996
he wasn't above
going to the border
718
00:29:09,996 --> 00:29:12,334
and calling for a wall,
as I recall.
719
00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:15,633
Um, his widow, Lindsey Graham,
that's‐‐
720
00:29:15,633 --> 00:29:18,639
[laughter]
721
00:29:19,850 --> 00:29:22,062
That‐‐that's a different story.
I mean‐‐
722
00:29:22,062 --> 00:29:24,108
‐ Thank you for saying that
on this show.
723
00:29:24,108 --> 00:29:26,989
You have a show Friday.
‐ Oh, I'll use it again.
724
00:29:26,989 --> 00:29:28,366
‐ Oh, okay.
[laughter]
725
00:29:28,366 --> 00:29:30,454
‐ I didn't even...
[laughs]
726
00:29:30,454 --> 00:29:31,707
‐ It is one‐‐
‐ [stammers] If you like it,
727
00:29:31,707 --> 00:29:33,711
I'll repurpose it.
728
00:29:33,711 --> 00:29:35,255
What the‐‐what the fuck?
‐ Oh, my God. Sorry.
729
00:29:35,255 --> 00:29:36,759
His widow Lindsey Graham.
‐ Yeah, yeah.
730
00:29:36,759 --> 00:29:39,013
I mean, he was‐‐
he was a‐‐
731
00:29:39,013 --> 00:29:40,683
said some horrible things
about Trump.
732
00:29:40,683 --> 00:29:42,394
I mean, some wonderful things
about Trump,
733
00:29:42,394 --> 00:29:44,106
but horrible about him,
734
00:29:44,106 --> 00:29:46,862
and now he's
his biggest enabler.
735
00:29:46,862 --> 00:29:50,160
‐ You know, sometimes I watch
the, uh, press conferences,
736
00:29:50,160 --> 00:29:51,663
and it drives me crazy.
737
00:29:51,663 --> 00:29:53,500
And I wish, like, comics...
BILL: Yeah.
738
00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:55,462
‐ Could take over
for the reporters.
739
00:29:55,462 --> 00:29:57,257
I wish you could be in there...
BILL: Yes, I‐‐
740
00:29:57,257 --> 00:29:59,303
‐ Asking the questions
and the follow‐ups,
741
00:29:59,303 --> 00:30:01,057
and figuring out how to craft.
‐ [sighs]
742
00:30:01,057 --> 00:30:02,644
No, they're not good at it,
743
00:30:02,644 --> 00:30:04,396
and they haven't learned
how to do it.
744
00:30:04,396 --> 00:30:07,069
One reporter at‐‐
sometime when he says,
745
00:30:07,069 --> 00:30:08,864
"You guys are just
so negative,"
746
00:30:08,864 --> 00:30:11,244
just please say back to him,
"We're not being negative.
747
00:30:11,244 --> 00:30:12,956
"You lie.
748
00:30:12,956 --> 00:30:16,337
You tell obvious lies
and we have to report that."
749
00:30:16,337 --> 00:30:18,091
So it's not going
to get better,
750
00:30:18,091 --> 00:30:21,097
and every article they write
about Donald Trump
751
00:30:21,097 --> 00:30:22,684
should start with
"Donald Trump,
752
00:30:22,684 --> 00:30:24,813
Who Suffers
from Malignant Narcissism..."
753
00:30:24,813 --> 00:30:27,401
SARAH: Yes. Yes.
‐ And then go on with your...
754
00:30:27,401 --> 00:30:30,407
[cheers and applause]
755
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:37,129
‐ So, Beto...
‐ Yeah.
756
00:30:37,129 --> 00:30:38,507
‐ O'Rourke...
‐ Okay.
757
00:30:38,507 --> 00:30:40,845
‐ Lost to...
[cheers and applause]
758
00:30:40,845 --> 00:30:43,099
Greasy penis nose.
‐ [laughing]
759
00:30:43,099 --> 00:30:46,272
SARAH: And‐‐but his numbers
were good.
760
00:30:46,272 --> 00:30:47,859
And he‐‐he came close,
761
00:30:47,859 --> 00:30:51,742
and I think he
ignited excitement and stuff,
762
00:30:51,742 --> 00:30:54,539
and, you know, I'd fucking love
it if he ran for president.
763
00:30:54,539 --> 00:30:57,377
BILL: Look, I'll consider
last night a victory
764
00:30:57,377 --> 00:31:00,635
if I could be assured
by someone I truly trust
765
00:31:00,635 --> 00:31:03,014
that at least all the elections
766
00:31:03,014 --> 00:31:04,935
were on the up and up.
SARAH: Yeah.
767
00:31:04,935 --> 00:31:07,439
‐ Because I don't know
if I trust elections anymore.
768
00:31:07,439 --> 00:31:09,653
I want someone I really trust
to tell me,
769
00:31:09,653 --> 00:31:11,698
"Yes, he really did lose.
770
00:31:11,698 --> 00:31:13,493
Stacey Abrams really did lose."
771
00:31:13,493 --> 00:31:15,748
That one I really wonder about.
772
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:18,629
‐ Let me ask you this: In 2020,
who's gonna beat Trump?
773
00:31:18,629 --> 00:31:20,967
Because
we look at the Democrats
774
00:31:20,967 --> 00:31:23,179
and some people say, "Well,
it has to be a centrist,"
775
00:31:23,179 --> 00:31:25,810
and some people say, "Fuck it.
Go all the way far."
776
00:31:25,810 --> 00:31:27,312
‐ I like our governor.
777
00:31:27,312 --> 00:31:28,816
I've been encouraging him
to run.
778
00:31:28,816 --> 00:31:30,485
I think he's presidential.
‐ Yeah.
779
00:31:30,485 --> 00:31:32,699
BILL: I think Eric Holder
would be a good candidate.
780
00:31:32,699 --> 00:31:34,159
Kamala Harris.
781
00:31:34,159 --> 00:31:36,540
You know, I mean,
I like a lot of people.
782
00:31:36,540 --> 00:31:38,794
I think they're gonna have
an exciting field‐‐
783
00:31:38,794 --> 00:31:41,048
Beto, you know,
could get in that race.
784
00:31:41,048 --> 00:31:42,844
‐ I think he'd be‐‐
it has to be someone
785
00:31:42,844 --> 00:31:44,471
who's great
at the debate part.
786
00:31:44,471 --> 00:31:45,975
You know, can‐‐
‐ Yes, exactly,
787
00:31:45,975 --> 00:31:47,352
and can excite people.
‐ Who can be tough
788
00:31:47,352 --> 00:31:48,814
and hold people accountable,
and...
789
00:31:48,814 --> 00:31:50,358
‐ And gets crowds.
I mean, this is what
790
00:31:50,358 --> 00:31:52,362
we should have known
about Hillary Clinton.
791
00:31:52,362 --> 00:31:54,868
Bernie was getting
20,000 young people.
792
00:31:54,868 --> 00:31:56,370
Hillary could not fill
793
00:31:56,370 --> 00:31:58,751
the function room
at the Olive Garden.
794
00:31:58,751 --> 00:32:00,504
I mean, it was...
[laughter]
795
00:32:00,504 --> 00:32:02,466
‐ Well.
BILL: Well, hopefully,
796
00:32:02,466 --> 00:32:04,344
the Democrats this time
will understand
797
00:32:04,344 --> 00:32:07,017
that, yes,
crowds do matter.
798
00:32:07,017 --> 00:32:09,438
You know, when you can draw
a crowd, it says something
799
00:32:09,438 --> 00:32:11,192
about the excitement out there.
800
00:32:11,192 --> 00:32:13,488
That's why people like Beto
are exciting,
801
00:32:13,488 --> 00:32:15,283
and Gillum,
because they draw crowds.
802
00:32:15,283 --> 00:32:17,538
People are excited
to vote for them.
803
00:32:17,538 --> 00:32:19,083
Just get a Democrat in there.
804
00:32:19,083 --> 00:32:20,753
I'm tired of losing.
805
00:32:20,753 --> 00:32:22,799
SARAH: I'm honestly curious
that‐‐yeah.
806
00:32:22,799 --> 00:32:23,967
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
807
00:32:23,967 --> 00:32:25,261
That's where we should end.
808
00:32:25,261 --> 00:32:26,973
‐ [laughing]
809
00:32:26,973 --> 00:32:28,811
‐ You're so good at doing this.
810
00:32:28,811 --> 00:32:30,438
I'm not good at doing this.
‐ You're doing‐‐
811
00:32:30,438 --> 00:32:32,234
you're fantastic at doing this.
812
00:32:32,234 --> 00:32:34,071
Your show is fantastic.
‐ Thank you, Bill.
813
00:32:34,071 --> 00:32:35,741
‐ You're fantastic.
‐ I was nervous
814
00:32:35,741 --> 00:32:37,452
knowing you were here.
‐ Ooh, oh.
815
00:32:37,452 --> 00:32:40,166
‐ Bill Maher, everybody.
Thank you so much for coming.
816
00:32:40,166 --> 00:32:41,628
[cheers and applause]
817
00:32:41,628 --> 00:32:43,464
My thanks to Bill Maher,
818
00:32:43,464 --> 00:32:46,137
Anthony Atamanuik,
and all the religious leaders.
819
00:32:46,137 --> 00:32:47,723
That's our show.
820
00:32:47,723 --> 00:32:50,019
Now stick around for "Overtime"
on YouTube.
821
00:32:50,019 --> 00:32:51,397
Oh, fuck, that's your show.
822
00:32:51,397 --> 00:32:53,192
My show is,
good night, America.
823
00:32:53,192 --> 00:32:54,863
I lurve you.
824
00:32:54,863 --> 00:32:57,869
[cheers and applause]
825
00:32:57,869 --> 00:33:04,883
♪ ♪
826
00:33:26,258 --> 00:33:27,970
[whip cracking]
827
00:33:28,020 --> 00:33:32,570
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