All language subtitles for The Comedians s01e04 Celebrity Guest.eng

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Sync & corrections by Alice
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[screams]

[pop and hiss]
Oh.

Mother[bleep].

(Denis) Occasionally a
show needs to find itself.

Here at FX, we're interested
in getting it right,

and that's why we've decided
to delay the premiere

of The Billy & Josh Show.

Did they say when
they were delaying it to?

They said they would say
very soon.

They said they would say?

That's what they said.

We just want to give
Billy and Josh

a chance to gel
as a comedy team.

Our philosophy is the best shows
come from happy creative teams.

So in fact, this delay
is a vote of confidence.

(Billy)
This is a disaster.

Quick question.

Is it possible,
even theoretically possible,

that this is somehow
not a disaster?

Right.
Like mold.

Everybody thought mold
was a big disaster at first,

and then, whoop, penicillin.

Look at that.

We have to do something.

This is the bottom of the ninth.
We're at DEFCON 5.

Point of fact:
I'm reading a book on NORAD

right now,
and I believe the lower DEFCONs

are the worst ones,
the lower ones.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, we're at DEFCON [bleep].

No, no, no, no,
Dennis didn't say anything

about the show
being in jeopardy.

(Billy)
Of course he didn't.

That's not how they kill you.
They smile.

They tell you everything
is great.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Then one night
you're at a diner

like Tony Soprano,

eating a big bowl of gabagool,

and boom.

Cut to black.
You're dead.

Actually, I was listening
to an interview

with David Chase on NPR,
and Tony Soprano did not die.

He didn't die.

I was speaking
metaphorically, Josh.

Do you want to hear

what David Chase said
in the interview or not?

Because you don't need to be
mean about it.

(Kristen)
Here's a question:

Are you guys happy
with wardrobe?

(Kristen)
I'm so excited.

Billy and Josh
are rolling up their sleeves

and just digging in,
and they--they haven't

always been
on the same pa--pa--

[chuckles]

Say, I-I--can I take
that over, please?

I'm gonna--

So how you doing?

How's that thing going with FX?

You know,
I never had a partner.

- No.
- So they teamed me

- with this young man.
- I know the guy, Josh Grad.

No, Gad.
G-a-d.

He's gotta change his name.

- That's crazy.
- Why?

It just doesn't work,
you know?

- He's doing okay.
- All right.

- Let me give you an example.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm a big
movie executive.

Right.

Yes, Mrs. Smith,
who's in the outer office?

Uh, Cary Gant?

Um, okay, have him wait.

[buzzing]

Yes, Mrs. Smith.
Who's in the outer office?

Cary Grant?
You're kidding!

Cary Grant?
Send him in!

- Send him in immediately.
- [laughing]

- The R--
- Is very important.

- I think it's critical.
- He's really good, Mel.

You saw him.
He's really funny.

Oh, I know, he's talented.

We're good.
It's not, you know,

- you and Carl.
- Carl?

- Carl.
- Carl.

- Reiner.
- Ah, I'm kidding.

- I know.
- Carl Reiner.

Incredible.
Handsome.

And then time
took him in an alley

and beat the shit out of him.

[laughing]

You don't want to--
You don't want to see him today.

- No.
- But, anyway, this kid--

- Gad.
- Gad.

Something's not right.
We're just not clicking.

I don't know,
the show's going good

but not great yet.

I don't know if we need
a big swing,

if we need guest stars.

A guest star?
Gimmicks don't work.

- Yeah.
- Gimmicks never work.

See, that's what I think.

Can I give you some advice?

You didn't give me water,

so I should get an advice.

- No, it's fine. It's fine.
- No, please.

Oh, look at that.

- Boy, do I envy that stream.
- There you go.

Now, please.

And when you leave here,
and you tell people,

say that I gave you water.

- Okay.
- All right.

My advice is very simple.

- You're both talented.
- Right.

- And that's really important.
- I hear you.

Believing in yourself,
being true to yourself.

- It's called integrity.
- I got you.

- That's my advice.
- All right, thanks, Mel.

- Bye.
- Take care.

Gad?

Gad?
Is he out of his [bleep] mind?

What he doesn't seem
to understand is,

there's no show without me.

- Totally.
- I mean, don't get me wrong,

I love Billy.
I love him as much

as anybody else,
but Billy Crystal alone,

they chose not to put that show
on the air.

(Brad)
Absolutely, not till Joshua Gad

- came on board.
- Exactly. Exactly.

(Brad)
Gad got it done, my friend.

Gad got it done.
I need to assert myself.

(Brad)
Dude, great plan.

I'm coming off
of a huge Broadway show.

I did the biggest animated movie
of all time.

- I can sing. I can act.
- Triple threat.

No, I can't dance.
Then I'm--

- Double threat.
- Yeah, double threat.

I gotta--
I gotta save the show.

- I guess I gotta do it.
- Yes, yes, do that.

(Brad)
All right, man, I gotta jump,

but hey--
Hey, you got this.

- Okay, pal?
- All right.

- All right.
- I'll speak to you later.

- Love you.
- Don't--bye.

What if I'm like an older
version of Justin Bieber

who's totally let himself go
and gotten super fat?

Hmm, I'm not sure
we can do that

'cause we're gonna actually
do a project with him,

- actually, yeah.
- Really? Wow, okay.

- I love him.
- No, we're not.

- Oh.
- It's just a really

terrible idea.
No, I think we can go--

- Just spitballing.
- I think we can go deeper.

I got one, I got one.

How about we'll be
the songwriters

and we write the song?

And you sing it?

Jesus.
Way to be a dick about it.

Hey, Billy!
Billy!

- Hey, you got a second?
- Hey. Sure.

I want to introduce you
to my very close friends

Bobby Lopez,
Kristen Anderson-Lopez.

Oh, hi, how are you?

- Hi, I'm a huge, huge fan.
- Oh, me too.

They wrote the music to a little
something called Frozen,

highest grossing
animated movie of all time.

Josh, I get Variety.
[all laughing]

And, get ready
for your head to explode,

they have agreed
to write a song

for a little
sketch comedy show

date TBD,
The Billy & Josh Show.

Like a theme song for us?

No, like a--
Like a sing--

Like a song, song
that we would sing.

That we would sing?

Yeah.
Don't act so surprised.

It's what I do, right?

I-I seem to recall a couple
standing Os on Broadway.

And you can--can you sing?

A little bit,
not like--not like you.

But I did sing
on the Oscars every year for,

- like, a billion people.
- Right.

- That's not--listen.
- Right.

That's not a Broadway house
of 1,400 a night.

It was just
a billion every year.

- [laughing]
- But, hey, yeah.

- How did I forget that?
- It's just a billion.

All right, so, uh,
we'll talk about this later?

- Bye, Billy.
- See ya.

Nice guy.

Did you get hit in the brain
with a pipe?

I'm serious.
You're an idiot.

And he says,
"What are you crying for?"

He says,
"I forget where I live," ah?

[all laughing]
I love that joke.

It's a good story.
Hey, how you doing?

Sit down, you next.

First haircut today.

Oh, first haircut.

No wonder you look
so nervous, huh?

I'm gonna make your head
an offer it can't refuse, huh?

Hey,
it's a Godfather reference!

Hey, I'll make your hair look
like the kid from Lassie, ah?

It's a reference
to the movie about the dog.

Just don't be scared.
Everything gonna be okay.

I've been giving haircuts
since before my balls dropped.

- [screaming]
- Oh, my.

Don't be frightened, little boy.
It's just a haircut.

- Giuseppe!
- I do a little trimming...

[overlapping shouting]

Oops.

I just wish
you had spoken to me first.

I know that
they're your friends,

they're really talented,
I mean,

they won an Oscar,
for God's sakes.

I just don't want to sing
a big song and dance number

to open the show.

It just feels gimmicky,

It feels desperate.

I mean, it's like,

♪ Please don't cancel
our show, Denis ♪

♪ We've got hookers
and blow, Denis ♪

Josh.

- I thought we were riffing.
- We weren't.

No.
Okay, my bad, I misread that.

Yeah, I don't know
what the big deal is,

'cause you're the one who said
let's go for a big swing.

No, I know, I know.
But this?

I was having lunch
with Mel Brooks the other day--

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Mel Brooks?

Yeah, we were
talking about--

Did somebody just say
Mel Brooks?

- Yes, him.
- I love Mel Brooks.

Everybody loves Mel Brooks.

Could you get him
to guest star?

Holy sh--that would be...
(both) Amazing.

Guys, that is not
on the table, no.

Billy, talk about a big swing.

Look, you don't want to sing
and dance, I get that.

I could actually have
Bobby and Kristen

write a song for me and Mel.

Oh, it's Mel now.

First-name basis?
That--that seems right.

I mean, the song he did from
History of the World: Part I--

- The Inquisition?
- Classic, classic.

That is probably
the one single thing

that inspired me
to go into comedy.

And a lot of the stuff
you did.

(both)
Hey, how's it going?

Ha! We said the same thing.

Twice in a row!

Okay, this is getting weird now.

No, really, though,
stop talking, so we can--

Okay, I'll stop talking.

Now I'll talk.

Shit!

You haven't heard anything?

I hear everything.

Like, mostly shit
I do not want to hear.

If you hear anything about me,
please let me know.

Whenever a show's in trouble,
they always wind up

firing the costume designer.

As if that's the problem.

I thought you were
the wardrobe girl.

That's the same thing.

Your term's just
more offensive.

[Mitch exhales]

Oh.
Oh, man.

Oh, man, man, man, man, man.

Whoo, wow.

Yes, Mitch?

Oh, man, I mean, this might be
the adrenaline talking,

writing sketches
for Mel freaking Brooks,

but this is cool.

Show's on the line,
it's clutch time,

and it is up to Mitch
to just make it happen.

That's exactly how I feel
about replenishing the snacks.

Mel Brooks!

(Denis)
A musical number?

The show is bleeding money!

[laughs]
I wouldn't say bleeding.

No, this show is significantly
over budget.

And now you're telling me
to find more money

for a musical number
and for Mel Brooks.

I can just see the 19-year-olds
doubling over in laughter

at the first shtetl joke.

Could be good for the show,
little bit of music.

I mean, look what it did
for The Voice.

(Denis)
Kristen, the show is fine.

The problem is Billy and Josh.

They just have to get
on the same page.

(Kristen)
I know.

I just want to reassure you
that I am on this

and we are gonna get it done.

(Denis)
Good, that's great,

'cause, uh, frankly, this is
beginning to sound like panic.

We're--no one is panicking!

(Kristen) We're not panicking!
Are you panicking?

Denis?

(both)
You know what?

Let's just both say something
completely random

and be done with this.

Ready?
Go.

Alien butterscotch
Lyndon Johnson fart parade--

What is happening to us?

[both phones ringing]

(both)
Hang on, my phone is ringing.

Hey, Reba.

Your wife's name is Reba?

None of them?

They're good.
They're quite good.

They're just not
Mel Brooks good.

Mel Brooks good.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I get what you guys
are going through.

You know?
I'm a writer.

And I get the temptation
to do B+ stuff.

So we should just
write A+ sketches--

You should write for this man.

'Cause what
you're writing right now

is more for...

that--for Paul Giamatti.

And what I think is,
we want to write for a legend.

Right.

- All right, great.
- I trust you.

That's why you get paid the--
The bucks.

- The bucks.
- [chuckles] All right, cool.

- All right?
- Yeah, well, yeah.

- Just keep it up.
- Okay.

Okay, cool.

Thanks for sticking up
for us back there, man.

Oh, yeah, you're welcome.

Actually, what I was doing--

What were you doing?

It's kind of like judo.

In judo,
is the purpose of judo

that someone gets just the shit
beat out of them?

'Cause that's what you did.

And then you tried
to slap him five.

- Ugh, that's just pathetic.
- I don't recall that happening.

Hi, Sharon.

Good morning, guys.
How's it going?

Hey, Billy.

Slaving away
in the comedy mines.

Yeah, I can see that.
This place is a sty.

What happened, the cleaning crew
didn't come in

after you guys left
last night?

We--we didn't go home.

You stayed here
the whole night working?

Wow.
Well, that's dedication, guys.

You know? I appreciate it.
I'm really proud of you.

Look at that.
What's this?

"Miracle Max meets
the 2000-year-old man"?

For you and Mel Brooks.

Mel?

- We were told that Mel was--
- No, I'm sorry.

I can't do it.
I can't ask Mel.

This is a mistake.
I feel terrible.

- I'm gonna find out.
- Okay, thank you, Billy.

(Billy)
All right.

This is complete bullshit.
I'm outta here.

Good night.

(Josh) ♪ You know how you stand
at the edge of a cliff ♪

♪ And you look at the drop,
and you wonder ♪

♪ [whispers]
What if? ♪

♪ Or you stand near the tracks
of an oncoming train ♪

♪ And a weird, tiny voice
starts to scream in your brain ♪

Do it!
Just do it!

We were thinking you might
yell that part, maybe.

♪ It comes in a surge ♪

♪ At the moment I'm feeling
a similar urge ♪

♪ I-- ♪
Oh.

[laughs]
Hey.

- Sounds funny.
- Right?

Can I borrow you
just for one second?

I love it.

My only question is...

can Mel Brooks
sing that high?

What the hell are you doing?

What are you talking about?

I never said that
I would ask Mel.

You never said that
you wouldn't ask Mel.

Josh, this is putting me in
a very uncomfortable position.

The writers are in there
writing sketches

for one of their heroes.

Hell, he's my hero.

I can't ask Mel Brooks
to do a favor like this.

- So, question.
- Yeah?

Should I not have had
my agent call Mel's agent

to tell him how excited we were
about having him on the show?

You mother--

(both)
Are we in hell?

This must be hell.

Purple!

Damn it.

I'll kill you.

You don't have to do this!
Neither do you!

So stop!
You stop!

Reba?

(both Rebas)
What's happening, Alfonso?

Your husband's name is Alfonso?

(Josh and Billy)
Wife swap?

Mel, I know that
Josh got ahead of himself.

He called my agent.
Are you kidding me?

I know, but you know what?
I started to think about it.

It would be fantastic
if you were the guest star.

We could do
a really funny bit.

You come out
as a 2000-year-old man,

then I'm Miracle Max
from The Princess Bride,

and I go, "Boy,
I thought I was old."

You know?
It could be funny.

Ah, Billy.
I love you.

You're my pal,
so I'm gonna save your show.

Thank you, Mel.

By not doing it.

I take back my thank-you.

[laughter]

A guest star would
just get in the way.

Because you and Josh--
What's his last name?

Gad.

He still hasn't changed it?

No.

A guest star
would only interfere.

You need to trust each other.

Right.

Listen to each other.

You need to both get on board.

I'll never forget, I worked with
a guy--it was in the Catskills--

What the hell was his name?

Jewish guy.

Well, that narrows it down.

It didn't work because
we didn't listen to each other

and we didn't trust each other.

What was his name?

Mel?
Mel!

Hope!
Bob Hope!

Bob Hope?

And he--we just didn't--
We didn't click.

And nobody ever
heard of him again.

[laughter]

(Mitch)
Writing for a show like this,

I won't lie, it is hard.

But occasionally,
you get rewarded.

I mean, Mel friggin' Brooks

is going to be saying stuff
that I wrote.

Me.
Mitch Reed.

From Muncie, Indiana.

So... it's pretty cool.

(Josh) ♪ You know how you stand
at the edge of a cliff ♪

♪ And you look at the drop
and you wonder ♪

♪ What if? ♪

♪ Or you stand near the tracks
of an oncoming train ♪

♪ And a weird, tiny voice
starts to scream in your brain ♪

Do it!

Just do it!

[audience laughing]

♪ It comes in a surge ♪

♪ At the moment
I'm feeling ♪

♪ A similar urge ♪

♪ I kind of want
to kiss an old man ♪

♪ There's nothing that would
please me more than ♪

♪ Giving his wrinkly lips
a little lover's peck ♪

♪ Then what the heck ♪

♪ I got a mind to stick
my tongue down his neck ♪

♪ And keep it there
as long as I can ♪

♪ I kinda wanna kiss
that old man ♪

♪ Why's that fat kid
looking at me that way? ♪

♪ Doesn't he know that
neither of us are gay? ♪

♪ Yes, human sexuality
is on a sliding scale ♪

♪ But if I'm gonna slide
my scale to male ♪

♪ It's gonna be
for Benedict Cumberbatch ♪

♪ I need at least a six ♪

♪ He's more like a two ♪

♪ That big, fat, sweaty,
scene-stealing Jew ♪

♪ Let's kiss, old man ♪

♪ Not this old man ♪

♪ And now I'm gonna kiss
an old man ♪

♪ I'm not that kind
of old man ♪

♪ It's all going
according to plan ♪

♪ I like vagina ♪

♪ Come here, old man, I want
my tongue to touch your tongue ♪

♪ You're not a girl, you're
ugly, and you're way too young ♪

♪ I bet you taste
a little like bran ♪

- ♪ I like vagina ♪
- ♪ I really wanna kiss ♪

- Josh.
- ♪ No, Billy, really, listen ♪

Josh, fine.
I'll let you...

(both)
♪ Kiss an old man ♪

[laughter and applause]

I kind of want to kiss
a different old man.

[musical flourish]

[cheers and applause]

- That was unbelievable.
- Thanks.

- You were incredible.
- Well, hey, number was great.

I would not mind
going back to a time

before our tongues
touched, however.

[laughs]

I take for granted
you're healthy.

Yes, you take it for granted.

[laughs]

Listen.

I think maybe
we were wrong before,

about thinking that we needed
a, you know, big change,

you know, to take a big swing
just to please the network.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

'Cause maybe
it's not a music thing.

Maybe it's not
a guest star thing.

Maybe it's something
that is just, um,

really more at the core
of what the show is.

You know what I mean?
I mean, after all,

it's The Billy & Josh Show.

You think--
You think maybe it's the title?

- No.
- No, I'm kidding.

- That's not what I'm saying.
- I'm just kidding.

I have no problem
with the title

even with your name
being first and everything.

Listen, whether it's Billy
and Josh or Josh and Billy,

it doesn't matter,
it's still two guys.

You know what I'm saying,
and sometimes,

two guys are meant
to be a team,

and sometimes...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Or maybe we're just
overthinking it.

- I think maybe we are.
- Yeah, yeah.

Maybe it's just
something simple.

- Question.
- Mm-hmm?

Kind of off topic
but kind of not.

Are you happy
with our wardrobe?

(Kristen)
I'm excited.

We have a new costume designer
starting next week.

It just feels like
we've righted the ship.

It does;
it feels like we've sailed

through the storm,
past all the icebergs--

Not that--
Not that there were icebergs.

Pushing this premiere date was--
It--

It was a blessing.

We fought for you, but
the network is just, you know...

- Got it.
- And can I just say,

you are truly
one of the best wardrobe girls

I've ever worked with.

Costume designer.

No? Okay.

- Ready to go back to work?
- I am, yeah.

- You?
- Yeah.

Great.

How was it for you
when you started out?

I wasn't worried.

I had one thing that I knew
could always make me a living,

I knew I was better at
than anybody in show business.

- What's that?
- It was a cat sound.

Cat sound.

Yes.
A cat sound.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mel Brooks
and the world-famous cat sound!

- Reow!
- Oh, boy.

[imitates cat yowling]

That's the greatest cat sound
I've ever heard.

I could've saved The Godfather.

Remember when Brando
had that cat...

- They had the cat.
- In his lap?

You come
to my daughter's wedding and...

- Right.
- Daughter's wedding.

[imitates cat screeching]

Oh, jeez.
Why--why--why, Francis,

what happened with the cat?

[laughter]

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com