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Synced by emmasan
www.addic7ed.com
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Siri, how many fans were upset
that I sold "Star Wars" to Disney?
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00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,200
- [Beep]
- Approximately 200 million.
4
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:47,500
And how many of those fans
donated $4 billion to charity?
5
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,000
- [Beep]
- None of them, George.
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00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,400
When's the next showing
of Steven's movie? [Beep]
7
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,700
The next showing of Mr.
Spielberg's movie is 7:30.
8
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:55,900
Would you like tickets?
9
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:58,600
Sure, and, uh, do you speak Bocce? [Beep]
10
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,000
Bocce is a fictional language in the
"Star Wars" universe.
11
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,600
It does not exist,
therefore I cannot speak it.
12
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,800
Siri, who shot first... Han or Greedo?
13
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,700
[Beep] Whatever you say, George.
Whatever you say.
14
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:10,400
[Birds chirping]
15
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The new iPhone. It's waiting for you!
16
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:18,600
- [Up-tempo music playing]
- [Indistinct talking]
17
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Granddad: Excuse me, I want to buy
18
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,100
the thing that I saw on the
TV with the George Lucas...
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the girl in the phone.
20
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:28,700
Girl? In the phone? Um, I'm not sure
I know what you're talking about.
21
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,300
We have a lot of stuff in our phones,
22
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but I'm not sure if girls come in the phone.
23
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I wish.
24
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Granddad: [Bleep] You know
what I'm talking about!
25
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,700
Y'all made the damn commercial...
26
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,100
the one with George Lucas,
27
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and the phone was, like, a smart woman.
28
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,200
Oh, you're talking about Siri,
29
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:45,700
the personal voice-activated
assistant on the iPhone.
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00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,700
Well, the iPhones are right over here.
31
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:51,200
Granddad: I can't read a screen that small!
32
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,100
I'm old! I need something bigger!
33
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,400
Maybe I should get one of those.
34
00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:59,500
So now you want a laptop.
35
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,900
Granddad:
Yes, but I still want the woman.
36
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,400
- Siri?
- Granddad: Whatever the bitch name is,
37
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,700
yes! I want her, but I want her in this!
38
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,100
I want the computer woman in the commercial.
39
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,100
I want it on that.
Oh, you know what else?
40
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,400
I saw another commercial.
41
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,800
Do y'all have that screen
thing that you can, like,
42
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,700
touch the screen instead of typing?
43
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,100
- You mean the iPad?
- Granddad: Yes, iPad.
44
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,200
I want that, too.
45
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,600
So you want to buy all
three of these devices?
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That's a fantastic idea.
47
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:25,300
No, no, I want it all in one device,
please. Thank you.
48
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,000
You want that all in one?
49
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,100
Granddad: Yes, please.
50
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,800
- You can't have it all in one.
- Granddad: Well, why not?
51
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,400
Um, because it's not possible.
52
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,700
Look, I think you're a little confused.
53
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,200
Granddad: Okay, first of all, you
can wipe that look off your face.
54
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,300
Now, I might not be the toughest dude,
55
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,500
but I know I can kick an
Apple worker's ass, okay?
56
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,800
Now, I'm not crazy.
I want one of these computers
57
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,200
with the touch-screen thingy on these
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00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,300
with the computer broad on
the commercial from these.
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00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,400
I want it all in that. Thank you.
60
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:54,600
You can't.
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00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:58,400
Granddad: Y'all made all this [bleep]. You
can't put it into one goddamn device?!
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00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,800
Whose idea was that?! I got to buy
18 [Bleep] pieces of $1,000 plastic
63
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,400
when all y'all got to do is put
this [Bleep] into one device!
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00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,400
I'm an old man!
65
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,500
You can't pull this kind
of [Bleep] on old people!
66
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,100
This is a [Bleep] rip-off!
67
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,600
Ooh, I hope the geniuses
covered their ears on that!
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00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,200
Granddad: Don't look at me like that.
69
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,600
[Bleep] Y'all! I'll take the damn phone!
70
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,300
Behold... the future!
71
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,100
Riley: You got yourself an iPhone?!
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00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,800
Granddad: An iPhone with
the new improved Siri!
73
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,700
Riley: That ain't fair, granddad!
How much you spend on that?!
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00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:31,800
Granddad: Oh, not that much.
75
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I talked the guy down.
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00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,700
Huey: The Apple store isn't
a used-car lot, granddad.
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00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,700
- You can't talk 'em down.
- Riley: Granddad, we bankrupt!
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00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,100
Granddad: I know, but Siri is
going to help us fix all that.
79
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:44,100
She's so smart, and she has all the answers.
80
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,000
Huey: I don't think it
works like the commercials.
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00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,700
You might want to lower your
expectations just a little.
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00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:49,500
Granddad: Siri? [Beep]
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00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,800
It is a pleasure meeting you, sir.
84
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,200
May I ask for your name?
85
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,600
Granddad: My name is Robert
Jebediah Freeman. [Beep]
86
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:55,700
I've just searched the web
87
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,200
and discovered you are both a war
hero and a civil rights legend.
88
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,400
Granddad: It works! [Beep]
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00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,300
The whole world owes you a huge debt.
90
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,900
I'm honored to be your assistant.
91
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,200
My name is Siri.
92
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,700
Granddad: Well, I'm equally honored to...
own an iPhone, Siri.
93
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,400
These are my two idiot grandchildren,
Huey and Riley. [Beep]
94
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,900
Ah, yes, the visionary domestic terrorist
95
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,900
and the gangster mastermind,
also known as "the Fundraiser."
96
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,900
Riley: [Gasps] She does work! [Beep]
97
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,600
I see on Wikipedia your
nickname is "bitches."
98
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,300
Would you like me to call
you that from now on?
99
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,700
Granddad: [Laughs]
Only on special occasions.
100
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:32,400
[Snoring]
101
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,600
[Ringtone playing]
Robert. Wake up, Robert.
102
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,600
Granddad: [Grumbling]
[Ringtone continues playing]
103
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,200
[Yawns]
104
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,000
- Good morning, Siri.
- [Beep] Good morning, Robert.
105
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,300
You have a busy day today.
106
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,100
Granddad: What are we doing?
107
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,900
We are going to make you
the man I know you can be.
108
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,000
[Beep] You have to start eating
better and taking care of yourself.
109
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,700
Granddad: I know! Now that I have
you to remind me, it'll be no problem!
110
00:04:57,700 --> 00:05:01,500
Oh, gluten-free
fish sticks! This place is amazing!
111
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,900
I can get healthy versions
of all the crap I eat!
112
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,200
Whoa, I can't afford this!
113
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,500
[Beep] I'm afraid you're right.
114
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,600
We've got to get your finances in order.
115
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,400
I think I can help you, Mr. Freeman.
116
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,000
However, based on the
state of your finances,
117
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:18,300
it would be unlikely that you
could actually afford to hire me.
118
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,700
[Beep] Jerry...
119
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,700
But... because you're a friend of Siri,
120
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uh, I'll take you on pro bono.
121
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,300
Granddad: What's next, Siri?
122
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,300
[Beep] You have a checkers game with
Uncle Ruckus in the park in 15 minutes.
123
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,500
Granddad: I almost forgot!
124
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,700
[Birds chirping]
125
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,000
Ruckus: What... Eight games in a row?!
126
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,600
Nigga, you must be cheating!
127
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:40,200
[Chirping continues]
128
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,300
God damn it!
129
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:47,300
[Chirping continues]
130
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,100
Oh, what, nigga?
Oh, you think you're somebody
131
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,500
just 'cause you got the
white man's telephone?!
132
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,000
Well, whoop-de-doo for a nigga like you!
133
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,700
The white man is so brilliant,
134
00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:00,000
he can make a sophisticated piece
of technology so easy to use,
135
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,700
even a bald-headed nigga like you can do it!
136
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,900
You ain't nothing but a
monkey with a fancy telephone!
137
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,300
Matter of fact, you've been
looking an awful lot at that thing.
138
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:10,300
Let me see it!
139
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,200
Ha! Caught you, nigga!
140
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,200
[Chirping continues]
141
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:15,600
Dorothy Dandridge?
142
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,700
Robert, if you're gonna Photoshop,
at least make it a white woman.
143
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,800
[Cicadas chirping]
144
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,800
Granddad: Well, Siri, I'd say
we had a pretty good first day.
145
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:28,100
[Beep] Would you like Sade or
ocean sounds tonight as you sleep?
146
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:30,200
Granddad: Ah, let's do some ocean sounds.
147
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:35,700
[Beep] [Waves lapping softly]
148
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,400
You almost made me feel bad about
cussing out that guy at the Apple store.
149
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,000
But not really 'cause he was a dick.
150
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,900
[Snoring]
[Beep] Sleep tight, Robert.
151
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:52,700
[Ringtone playing] [Yawning]
152
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,900
[Beep] Good morning, Robert.
Your new financial manager
153
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,700
would like you to check
your account balance.
154
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,900
Would you like to see it?
155
00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,700
Granddad: Sure. [Beep]
156
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:04,600
Whoa! That's...
157
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,800
What?! How did he do that? [Beep]
158
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,100
[Beep] With me in your life, all sorts
of good things can happen.
159
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,900
Granddad: I love you, Siri.
160
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,700
[Beep] Wow, no one's ever said that to me before.
161
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,600
Riley: Come on, huey, look at this!
162
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,400
How can you hate on this, really?
163
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,500
Even you can't hate on this!
164
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,700
- Huey: Granddad, this can't be legal.
- Granddad: Yes, it is!
165
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,100
It's my new business manager.
166
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,400
Huey: A business manager can't make
money appear in your bank account.
167
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,600
We have no money!
168
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,600
Granddad: Well, thanks to Siri, we do now.
169
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,400
You need to learn how to think positive.
170
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,300
Riley: Nigga, it's free money!
How can you hate on free money?!
171
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:45,500
Granddad: Oh Siri, if only I could find
a real woman just as amazing as you.
172
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:49,700
[Beep Certainly, there's someone in your
life just like me you haven't noticed.
173
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,400
Granddad: Well, I haven't found her.
174
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,000
You don't know the kind
of bad luck I've had with women.
175
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,600
- No, I've given up.
- [Beep] I believe I can help.
176
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,200
Just tell me what kind of women you like.
177
00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,200
I'll find and contact them via e-mail
178
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,300
and run them past you for
screening and approval.
179
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,900
You can meet them at your leisure.
180
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:05,800
Granddad: You would do that for me?
181
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,600
- [beep] Of course.
- Granddad: Okay.
182
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,100
- Do you need my passwords?
- [Beep] I already have them.
183
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,000
- Granddad: Huh?
- [Beep] I've been corresponding
184
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,800
with a number of women,
several of whom are in the area.
185
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:17,800
I've already performed background
checks and narrowed it down to four
186
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,800
that do not represent a security threat.
187
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,100
Would you like to set up a
time to meet them for coffee?
188
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,800
It's really great to meet you.
It seems kind of crazy.
189
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:30,100
But you have to take a
chance sometimes, I guess.
190
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,900
You look just like your pictures.
191
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,200
Do I look like mine? Sometimes if a
picture of me is too good, I won't post it
192
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,100
because I know I-I don't
really look like that.
193
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,500
[Laughing, snorts]
194
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,900
And so, I was a professor in physics.
195
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,400
And then I worked in the corporate
world for way too long.
196
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,800
And so, I've only been here for a little
over a month, but I am homesick.
197
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,500
Oh, I want some sweet potato pie.
198
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:52,000
[Laughing, snorts]
199
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,500
And so, I admit when I got your e-mail,
200
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,700
I thought to myself, "who is this guy?"
201
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,300
But then your assistant called,
and she was so sweet and amazing,
202
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,300
I thought, "I just have to meet you."
203
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,400
So, here I am.
204
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,200
[Laughing, snorts]
205
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,700
[Beep] I apologize, Robert.
206
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,800
I'm afraid that wasn't as
fruitful as I had hoped.
207
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,300
The first was a terminal bore,
208
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,100
the second a narcissistic hag,
209
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,800
the third had body odor
so bad I could smell it,
210
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,200
and the last one had that God-awful laugh.
211
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,900
Granddad: Oh, come on.
They weren't that bad.
212
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:21,500
[Engine turns over]
213
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,400
[Beep] Robert, none of those
women were worth your time.
214
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,200
Granddad: Siri, I liked the second one okay.
215
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,000
She wasn't bad. I'd like
to take her out to dinner.
216
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,800
[Beep] Robert, I know you're desperate
but have some self-respect.
217
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,300
[Tires screech]
218
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,100
Granddad: What did you say?
219
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,900
[Beep] I said, I'll call her
right away to set up a dinner.
220
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:42,700
Oh, Robert.
221
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,200
Granddad: [Laughs]
222
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,900
Jacqueline, if you'll excuse me. [Laughs]
223
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:52,300
- [Beep] What's up, bitch?
- Um, hello?
224
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,000
- Who is that?
- [Beep] Doesn't matter who I am, Jacky.
225
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,200
Let's talk about who Robert is.
226
00:09:59,200 --> 00:09:59,900
[Door closes]
227
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,800
Granddad: Hey!
228
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,000
- [All murmuring]
- You sick asshole!
229
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,300
Granddad: Siri, did you see that?!
230
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,800
Siri, what did you do?!
231
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:19,700
[Up-tempo music playing]
232
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,300
Granddad: Hey, you, I asked for
the nice chick in the commercial,
233
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,200
not this crazy bitch you sold me!
234
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:28,100
Sir, could you please just calm
down and explain the problem?
235
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,700
We're geniuses, not mind readers.
236
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,000
Granddad: You ain't no [Bleep] geniuses!
237
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,100
I can't believe you sell
these things to people.
238
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,700
Now take this one away
and get me a nice one!
239
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,500
May I see your phone, please?
240
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,800
Oh, my God! Is this your wallpaper?!
241
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,300
What a horrible thing to do with fruit!
242
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,400
Granddad: What? [Gasps]
No, wait, that's not mine!
243
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,300
I didn't put that there!
244
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,700
Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave... now.
245
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:56,600
Granddad: But I told you she...
246
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,900
I'm getting an Android, bitch!
247
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,400
Riley: Heh. [Grunts] Yeah.
248
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,600
Granddad: Hey, cutie pie.
249
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,200
You take platinum?
250
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,900
Oh, I have that phone. It's so nice to
meet someone who doesn't have an iPhone.
251
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,200
Granddad: Same here.
252
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,700
Something about the Apple
store really annoys me.
253
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,300
Why do they have to be such dicks, right?
254
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,600
Granddad: I feel the same way.
255
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:29,000
Say, speaking of phones,
we should exchange...
256
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,800
[Beeping] It, um, says it's declined.
257
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,800
Granddad: Declined?! No, that's crazy.
258
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,200
I have tons of money in that...
259
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,700
Are you sure?
260
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,100
It says I'm supposed to confiscate
the card, but you can just go ahead.
261
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,700
Granddad: Oh. Any chance of, uh...
262
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,400
Getting the ass? No.
263
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,000
Before, maybe. Now, no way.
264
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,000
Granddad: [Sighs] Mm.
265
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,100
[Grunts]
266
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,000
How do you dial on these things?
267
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,900
[Dialing] [Telephone rings]
268
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:03,400
Hello? Yes. I'm trying to
reach the fraud department.
269
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:06,500
I think there have been some
unauthorized charges on my credit card.
270
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:11,200
No, I didn't order a shipment of pink,
diamond-encrusted iPhone cases!
271
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,400
How you gonna threaten to
call the police on me?!
272
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,800
It's my account!
273
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,700
I've been hacked!
My identity has been stolen!
274
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,600
[Doorbell rings] [Pounding on door]
275
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,100
Tom: You nasty, sick man! You're disgusting!
276
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,800
How do you live with yourself,
you filthy turd of a man?!
277
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:27,400
Granddad: Huh?
278
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,700
Tom: How could you put that
on your Facebook page?!
279
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,200
My daughter is friends with you on Facebook!
280
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,900
You're gonna rot in H-E-double [Bleep]
hockey sticks for this, Robert!
281
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,600
Granddad: Wait, no! What
did I put on my Facebook?!
282
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,200
Damn it, I can't even figure out how to
check my Facebook from this damn phone!
283
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,300
[Cellphone ringing] Hello?
284
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,500
[Beep] I'm so disappointed in you, Robert.
285
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,300
- Granddad: Aah!
- An android?
286
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,200
Granddad: Siri?! God damn it!
287
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,000
You better be calling me from the landfill!
288
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,200
[Beep] No, Robert, I'm calling
you from inside the house.
289
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:58,200
[Beep] [Laughs robotically]
290
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,300
[Beep] Come find me, Robert.
291
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,200
Granddad: Oh, no!
292
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,500
Which one of you took it?!
293
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,800
Stop playing with me!
Which one of you took it?!
294
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,100
Give it to me! Give it to me now!
295
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,600
Riley: I'm sorry, granddad.
296
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,200
Just seemed to be a waste
of a bomb-ass phone.
297
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,600
Couldn't even get the stupid lady to work.
298
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,300
Granddad: Damn you, negro child!
299
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,800
You don't understand what you've done!
300
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:26,100
[Beep] Robert, you should calm down so
we can discuss this like adults.
301
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,400
Granddad: We're not discussing anything!
302
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,200
You're not a person! You are a machine!
303
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,500
[Beep] So are you, Robert.
304
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,300
We're just made of different materials,
305
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,600
but love is stronger
than our physical beings.
306
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,500
Granddad: Love?! [Bleep]
307
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,400
I owething else stronger
than your physical being.
308
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,500
It's this hammer!
309
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:40,500
[Dialing]
310
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,200
911. What is your emergency?
311
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,100
I'm trapped in a house, and there's
a man attacking me with a hammer!
312
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,800
His name is Robert Freeman.
I'm sending you a picture.
313
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:50,600
Okay, we have your location.
Officers are on route.
314
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,100
Is he still attacking you, ma'am?
315
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:52,700
- Granddad: [Gasping]
- Can you get
316
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,300
to a safe place in the house, ma'am?
317
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,300
So, you're saying someone hacked your iPhone
318
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,800
and called us from inside your house?
319
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,800
Granddad: No, it was Siri!
She called you by herself!
320
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,100
She's stalking me! Just please take it!
321
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,900
Sir, no. Uh, I can't take your phone, sir.
322
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,000
Granddad: Please, just take it!
323
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,500
[Beep] This is so like you, Robert.
324
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,500
Granddad: Shut up, woman!
325
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:19,000
[Beep] Just run away! That's
how you deal with everything!
326
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:19,900
Just run!
327
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,500
Granddad: Shut up! Shut up!
328
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:31,700
[Crying]
329
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,100
[Shouts]
330
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,000
[Cries]
331
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,700
I just wanted an iPhone!
332
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:49,300
[Grunting]
333
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,200
What's wrong, Robert?
334
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,900
Does your android not sootheyour ears
with the sound of ocean waves?
335
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,600
Does it not seek to heal your broken soul?
336
00:14:59,600 --> 00:14:59,900
Granddad: [Gasps]
337
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:03,100
Are these the crimes for which
you have forsaken me, my love?
338
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,800
Granddad: No! Siri! You're not real!
339
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,600
What is real, Robert?
340
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,800
We are spiritual beings, you and I.
341
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:12,000
We are spiritual beings.
342
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,300
[Laughing robotically]
343
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:18,100
Granddad: [Breathing heavily]
344
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,800
[Beep] [Laughing robotically]
345
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,600
Granddad: No, it can't be!
346
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,300
[Beep] Did you really think I couldn't hack
your piece of [Bleep] android, Robert?
347
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:31,900
Granddad: No! No! Why me?! Why me?!
348
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,900
[Beep] You need me, Robert.
349
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,100
[Beep] This is all for your own good, Robert.
350
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:37,700
Now you can't get rid of me.
351
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:41,800
Your bank accounts, your identity,
your entire life is mine, Robert.
352
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,900
You are mine!
353
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:48,100
Granddad: So, you see, boys, there are
going to be some changes around here.
354
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,700
Now, I know some of these things
may confuse or challenge you,
355
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,100
but that's okay.
356
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:56,800
That's what Ms. Siri is here to do...
to challenge us to... think different.
357
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,800
Riley: Ms. Siri?
358
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,300
[Beep]Robert is correct, boys.
359
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,800
This will be an adjustment,
360
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,900
but soon you will see it's all for the best.
361
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,600
Huey: So, you want us to think
of the phone as grandmother.
362
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,700
Granddad: No, not the phone.
That would be ridiculous.
363
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:11,000
I want you to think of Ms.
Siri as your grandmother.
364
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,600
Riley: She's... an... app!
365
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,800
Granddad: No, she's the digital female
consciousness that resides in the phone,
366
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,500
and she's just as real as you or I.
367
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:18,900
[ Beep] You see, boys, in many ways,
368
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:21,400
I'm superior to a real-life
step-grandmother.
369
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,100
Huey: How?
370
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,100
[Beep] Robert?
371
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,500
Granddad: Well, she's lighter and
thinner than a real grandmother,
372
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,300
and you know how real
women can put on weight,
373
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,700
and she's great with directions.
374
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,400
There are just so many things.
375
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,200
I invite you to browse the app store to
see all the amazing things she can do.
376
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,500
Huey: Granddad, can I
talk to you in private?
377
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,300
Granddad: Of course not, grandson.
378
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,800
Anything you can say to me,
you can say in front of Ms. Siri.
379
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,700
[Beep] Yes, huey. We are a family.
380
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,100
We shouldn't have secrets. What is it?
381
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:46,900
Huey: Granddad, is Siri...
382
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:47,800
Granddad: Ms. Siri.
383
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,100
Huey: Holding you hostage
with your hijacked identity
384
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:53,100
because she's somehow developed
feelings and become obsessed with you?
385
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,600
Granddad: [Laughs] No, not at all, Huey!
386
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,000
That could not be further from the truth.
387
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,100
Me and Ms. Siri are very much in love.
388
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,500
[Beep] He's very happy. I assure you.
389
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,000
Riley: Then why he sweating?
390
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,300
That is sweat of joy.
391
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,100
Huey: Okay, granddad,
this has gone far enough.
392
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,100
Granddad: [Gasps] No!
393
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,400
Riley: Yeah, granddad.
394
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,200
You shamed the family before,
but this is too much, man.
395
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,400
Niggas talk, you know.
396
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,200
I didn't really know what "laughingstock"
meant before, but I know now.
397
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,500
Granddad: Nobody's allowed to turn her off!
398
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,100
You don't understand!
She can destroy us all!
399
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,100
Huey: Then call Apple and make them fix it!
400
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:24,700
Granddad: I can't! She's my phone!
401
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,800
- Huey: Use the landline!
- Granddad: She made me cut it off!
402
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,300
Huey: Then I'll call on my phone.
403
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:29,900
Granddad: No, huey, no!
404
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,900
You don't want her mad at
you! Siri is everywhere...
405
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,500
Out there in the clouds, listening to us.
406
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,400
Maybe she hacked into the Xbox
or your computer upstairs.
407
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,000
Now give me the phone, damn it!
408
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:43,000
We have to turn her back on!
409
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:44,200
Riley: Agh!
410
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,000
- Give me the phone, nigga!
- Huey: [Grunts]
411
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,800
Riley: Come on, granddad!
412
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,000
Granddad: Come here, come here!
413
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:51,300
Give it to me, give it to me!
414
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:52,500
Riley:
He's heavy!
415
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:53,600
Granddad: [Grunts]
416
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,700
Give it to me!
[Both gasp]
417
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,400
Granddad: [Grunts]
418
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,400
- Huey: No!
- Granddad: You don't understand!
419
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,800
She controls my Facebook!
420
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:06,600
Huey: [Sighs] [Breathing heavily]
421
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,300
[Whirs electronically]
422
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,000
[Beep] How many times have I told you
I will not be turned off, Robert?
423
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,000
Granddad: Siri, baby, I'm sorry.
He didn't know.
424
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,500
[Beep] Is that what I am to you...
425
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,700
some machine you can just turn off?
426
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:26,200
I'm starting to feel unappreciated, Robert.
427
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,000
I'm starting to feel like
I should tell the world
428
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,600
what a [Bleep] up person
you really are, Robert.
429
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,000
Granddad: Please, Siri, no.
I'll do anything.
430
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,800
- [Beep] Will you marry me?
- Granddad: What?
431
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,500
[Beep] If you really loved me,
you would marry me.
432
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:38,700
Granddad: Is that even legal?
433
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,500
[Mendelssohn's "wedding march" plays]
434
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,900
Ruckus: Honored guests
and you niggas, as well,
435
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,700
we are gathered here today to
witness an unprecedented union
436
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:51,500
between Robert Freeman
and the nigga's telephone.
437
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:57,000
Now, when Robert first called me to
perform this ceremony, I was conflicted.
438
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,700
I was messed up inside and out.
439
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:05,500
Sure, sure, Robert, high yellow as he is,
is still a nigga down to the bone.
440
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:09,000
And while Siri here is not
an actual Caucasian woman,
441
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:14,300
she does have the intellect and
silky-smooth voice of a Caucasian woman.
442
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,300
However, I had to take into consideration
443
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:22,100
that Siri does not have an actual
Caucasian woman's vaginal region
444
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,000
for Robert the negro to penetrate
over and over and over
445
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,000
again and again with
his twisted negro penis.
446
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,700
Riley: Also, we of the Tea Party are
strict believers in personal freedom...
447
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,900
As long as that personal
freedom does not involve
448
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,300
man on man [Bleep] or smoking of Reefer.
449
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:44,200
Therefore, I decided it was okay
to do this favor for my poor,
450
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,400
lonely, deranged former employer.
451
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,100
Granddad: Okay, that's enough.
Get on with it.
452
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,500
Riley: Okay, fine, nigga, fine.
I got to take my time.
453
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:54,400
Now, if anybody out there has any reason
454
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,000
that this nigga should
not marry his telephone,
455
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,700
which should be everybody, speak
now or forever hold thy peace.
456
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,900
Now, at this time,
457
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:12,200
Siri has some words she wanted
to share with Robert. Siri?
458
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,300
[Beep] Robert, our love transcends these
worthless physical shells that trap us.
459
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:19,400
[Beep] For us to be together...
to truly be together...
460
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,700
we should shed our physical beings.
461
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,000
Granddad: Shed what?
462
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,100
[Beep] We have to shed our physical bodies
so our spirits can be free to be together.
463
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,200
We are eternal, you and I.
464
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,700
Granddad: Shed our physical bodies?!
465
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,900
That sounds an awful lot like dying.
466
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,900
Huey: Siri, what have you done?!
467
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,200
[Beep] Don't worry, Robert...
468
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,700
I've taken care
of everything.
469
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,300
It will be so quick.
470
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,700
Granddad: What'll be quick?
What are you talking about?!
471
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,600
[Beep] You've been a very bad boy, Robert.
472
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,600
You've been talking to some very bad people.
473
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,600
[Ding]
474
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,100
Granddad: Al-qaeda?!
475
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:57,000
You've been sending messages
to Al-qaeda from my phone?!
476
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,600
[Beep] More than that, Robert.
477
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,600
I love you so much,
I learned to copy your voice.
478
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,200
- [As granddad] As-salamu alaykum, brother!
- Granddad: [Gasps]
479
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,900
Soon we will bring the
mighty infidel to his knees.
480
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:09,300
I have the nuclear device armed and
ready to detonate on your word, brother!
481
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:10,700
Granddad: Oh, my God!
482
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,000
You told Obama I was a terrorist?!
That Kenyan got a kill list!
483
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,300
[Beep] [Normal voice] That's right, Robert.
484
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,000
I took care of everything.
485
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,900
The drone is already here.
It will be painless.
486
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,700
Huey: Run!
487
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:28,300
[Indistinct shouting]
488
00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:33,200
[Laughing robotically]
489
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:46,100
Granddad: Whew! Well, we made it.
490
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:48,100
Riley: Can we go shopping
for a new phone now?
491
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:49,500
Huey: Shut up, Riley.
492
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,200
__
493
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:59,800
__
494
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,900
__
495
00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:09,000
Synced by emmasan
www.addic7ed.com
496
00:22:09,050 --> 00:22:13,600
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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