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1
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,898
Hey, hey, hey! Judge!
2
00:00:06,069 --> 00:00:07,696
Any disembowelments tonight?
3
00:00:07,871 --> 00:00:09,429
Not that I know of, no.
4
00:00:09,606 --> 00:00:11,800
Mutilation murders? Bizarre suicides?
5
00:00:11,974 --> 00:00:14,534
Nothing good on TV tonight,
huh, Mr?
6
00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,769
- Craven. Al Craven.
- Yeah.
7
00:00:16,946 --> 00:00:20,177
With the Gazette. I did that big
front-page story last week...
8
00:00:20,349 --> 00:00:22,977
...on the lady who fricasseed the poodle.
9
00:00:23,552 --> 00:00:26,077
- AI Craven, the journalist.
- Yeah.
10
00:00:26,255 --> 00:00:30,122
You know, I really like it here in court.
There's always a never-ending supply...
11
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:32,851
...of human misery in a place like this.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:33,027 --> 00:00:35,689
Most people don't see the fun side
of pain and suffering.
13
00:00:35,864 --> 00:00:37,764
Right.
14
00:00:38,733 --> 00:00:40,633
See you.
15
00:00:43,170 --> 00:00:44,467
Cute kid, the judge.
16
00:00:44,638 --> 00:00:47,368
Well, we think so,
but he's not exactly a kid.
17
00:00:47,541 --> 00:00:48,872
- Is this seat taken?
- Yes.
18
00:00:49,042 --> 00:00:50,475
Thank you.
19
00:00:51,445 --> 00:00:53,640
He doesn't even look old enough
to use a razor.
20
00:00:53,814 --> 00:00:56,647
Oh, and speaking of razors,
you would be revolted...
21
00:00:56,817 --> 00:00:59,785
...at what I've seen a razor do
to the human body.
22
00:01:01,921 --> 00:01:04,788
Be that as it may, Judge Stone
is older than you think.
23
00:01:04,957 --> 00:01:06,822
Well, how old is he?
24
00:01:06,993 --> 00:01:10,019
Well, he's... I don't know.
How old do you think he is, Dan?
25
00:01:10,596 --> 00:01:13,393
I don't know. It's one of those things
I never think about...
26
00:01:13,565 --> 00:01:15,931
...like "Is Pinky Lee still alive?"
27
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:19,129
I'm sure you gotta be a minimum age
to be a judge.
28
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,199
- I think he's about...
- Say, here's a novel approach:
29
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,328
- Why don't we ask him. Judge Stone.
- Yo.
30
00:01:23,503 --> 00:01:26,562
We were just talking, and we're
a little curious. What is your age?
31
00:01:26,739 --> 00:01:29,037
Oh, I'm a little over 900 years old.
32
00:01:30,209 --> 00:01:32,370
That's what a spiritualist
once told me, anyway.
33
00:01:32,545 --> 00:01:35,139
Seems I have this very old soul.
34
00:01:35,748 --> 00:01:38,012
The first couple hundred years
are sort of a blur.
35
00:01:38,184 --> 00:01:40,947
- I know how you feel.
- Yeah.
36
00:01:41,119 --> 00:01:43,178
- Bye.
- See you.
37
00:01:44,989 --> 00:01:46,513
- Colorful guy.
- I'm telling you...
38
00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:49,751
...he has a few pages stuck together.
39
00:01:49,928 --> 00:01:51,156
Wanna talk crazy?
40
00:01:51,329 --> 00:01:53,991
You read the piece I did about the guy
who went berserk...
41
00:01:54,165 --> 00:01:56,155
...and turned his loved ones
into lunchmeat?
42
00:01:58,235 --> 00:02:02,501
Well, you'll have to excuse me.
All this lunch talk is making me hungry.
43
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:06,098
I guess the judge is in his 20s.
44
00:02:06,276 --> 00:02:08,244
I say he's close to 40.
45
00:02:08,412 --> 00:02:10,709
In dog years, maybe.
46
00:02:11,013 --> 00:02:14,847
- I'll bet you 5 he's 28.
- You're on.
47
00:02:15,017 --> 00:02:17,008
- You got a bet.
- You're both acting selfish.
48
00:02:17,186 --> 00:02:19,620
Why don't we get a pool together
so we can all play.
49
00:02:19,956 --> 00:02:22,254
- Hey, now, that sounds good to me.
- Excuse me.
50
00:02:22,425 --> 00:02:25,257
How are you gonna determine the winner
if he won't tell his age.
51
00:02:25,427 --> 00:02:27,054
There's gotta be ways to find out.
52
00:02:27,229 --> 00:02:30,198
We could saw him in half
and count the rings.
53
00:02:30,932 --> 00:02:33,264
No. Hey, it's gotta be a matter
of public record...
54
00:02:33,435 --> 00:02:35,835
...like civil service forms or whatever,
right, Lana?
55
00:02:36,004 --> 00:02:37,437
- Yeah.
- Easily, Lana.
56
00:02:37,606 --> 00:02:41,405
Oh, I suppose I could call downtown
and get a look at his personnel file.
57
00:02:41,575 --> 00:02:45,136
It's settled. I'll make up the sign-up
sheet and we'll pick the ages we want.
58
00:02:45,312 --> 00:02:46,540
- I'm in.
- Good.
59
00:02:46,714 --> 00:02:49,046
- I don't know.
- Oh, it'll be fun.
60
00:02:49,216 --> 00:02:51,116
I feel like we're prying.
61
00:02:51,285 --> 00:02:53,412
That's the fun part.
62
00:02:54,321 --> 00:02:58,757
I really don't understand society's
preoccupation with age in the first place.
63
00:02:58,925 --> 00:03:01,621
I mean, you're only as old as you feel,
right, Selma?
64
00:03:01,795 --> 00:03:03,160
That's vicious.
65
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:38,500
Thank you.
66
00:03:42,072 --> 00:03:44,540
- What's this?
- The pool to guess Harry's age.
67
00:03:44,707 --> 00:03:47,232
- Oh, yeah.
- Now, there are still some good ages left...
68
00:03:47,410 --> 00:03:50,174
...so just put your initials
in any empty square.
69
00:03:52,949 --> 00:03:55,440
Don't press so hard.
70
00:03:56,352 --> 00:03:58,980
You crushed my nib.
71
00:04:00,023 --> 00:04:01,284
Sorry.
72
00:04:01,456 --> 00:04:03,151
Keep it.
73
00:04:03,325 --> 00:04:07,352
- What's next?
- Next we have a rather unusual case.
74
00:04:09,932 --> 00:04:11,524
- What's the problem?
- She's a slut.
75
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:15,726
- He's an animal.
- Off the top of my head, marital problems?
76
00:04:15,903 --> 00:04:18,997
Not quite, Your Honor.
They never finished the ceremony.
77
00:04:20,308 --> 00:04:23,766
Ronald McKenzie, charged with destruction
of church property...
78
00:04:23,945 --> 00:04:26,709
...and disorderly conduct
in a house of worship.
79
00:04:26,881 --> 00:04:30,476
- Kind of pushing your luck, aren't you?
- Okay, so I got a little carried away.
80
00:04:30,651 --> 00:04:34,051
A little? He knocked the candelabras over,
smashed the flowers...
81
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:36,711
...and destroyed the pulpit
with his bare hands.
82
00:04:37,057 --> 00:04:38,615
Second thoughts, Mr. McKenzie?
83
00:04:38,792 --> 00:04:40,191
I went out of my mind.
84
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,488
Suppose on your wedding day
you saw your wife in the nude.
85
00:04:43,663 --> 00:04:46,563
I think I'll probably insist on it.
86
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:51,432
My client was provoked, Your Honor,
pure and simple.
87
00:04:51,603 --> 00:04:56,267
You see, some jokers in the pews were
circulating naked photographs of the bride...
88
00:04:56,442 --> 00:04:58,774
...so naturally Mr. McKenzie
wasn't too pleased...
89
00:04:58,944 --> 00:05:02,640
...when his bride came down the aisle
to the sounds of stomping and whistling...
90
00:05:02,814 --> 00:05:07,842
...and shouts of "Hey, mama. Hey, mama.
You make me feel so good, mama."
91
00:05:11,656 --> 00:05:16,423
"Groom Tortured by Bride in the Buff."
How's that for a headline?
92
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,026
In the line of duty, Miss Williams,
do you have those pictures?
93
00:05:21,537 --> 00:05:25,337
Not in my possession, Your Honor,
but I believe you'll find the prosecution...
94
00:05:25,508 --> 00:05:28,340
...thumbing the evidence over there.
95
00:05:30,612 --> 00:05:32,603
- Mr. Fielding.
- What?
96
00:05:34,482 --> 00:05:37,178
Yes. Your Honor...
97
00:05:40,121 --> 00:05:42,520
I have no objection to the entrance
into evidence...
98
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:46,251
...the April, 1980 issue
of Stud magazine...
99
00:05:46,427 --> 00:05:50,193
...bringing special attention
to pages 53, 54...
100
00:05:50,364 --> 00:05:52,798
...and 54a.
101
00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:56,463
- Your Honor, I object.
- Oh, I don't mind.
102
00:05:58,004 --> 00:06:01,770
Lana. The guy from
records retrieval is here.
103
00:06:06,613 --> 00:06:09,081
I got the file on Harold Stone.
104
00:06:09,249 --> 00:06:12,707
Wait a minute. This is sealed.
Why would his personnel record be sealed?
105
00:06:12,885 --> 00:06:15,910
- Oh, you wanted his personnel record?
- Yes. What's this?
106
00:06:16,088 --> 00:06:17,680
His criminal record.
107
00:06:19,791 --> 00:06:21,691
Criminal record?
108
00:06:22,027 --> 00:06:25,224
As far as anyone else is concerned,
I don't know anything about this.
109
00:06:25,397 --> 00:06:27,729
- Okay, I'll tell him.
- No. No.
110
00:06:28,899 --> 00:06:30,127
Wait.
111
00:06:30,301 --> 00:06:32,667
Yeah. Maybe we better have
a legal opinion.
112
00:06:32,837 --> 00:06:35,806
Why don't you tell Dan. But be discreet.
113
00:06:35,973 --> 00:06:39,670
I'm 6'8", 240, and I got no hair.
114
00:06:41,445 --> 00:06:44,038
- Do your best.
- Yeah.
115
00:06:45,915 --> 00:06:48,247
See what I mean, Your Honor?
Isn't it sickening?
116
00:06:48,418 --> 00:06:53,048
I didn't know you when those were taken.
I did it because I really needed the money.
117
00:06:53,223 --> 00:06:54,918
Things were tough for me then.
118
00:06:55,091 --> 00:07:00,050
- I had no job. I was hungry.
- Looks like you were cold too.
119
00:07:03,666 --> 00:07:05,861
Oh, no kidding?
120
00:07:07,536 --> 00:07:09,629
Something you'd like to share,
Mr. Fielding?
121
00:07:09,805 --> 00:07:12,569
No, no.
122
00:07:13,509 --> 00:07:16,477
Your Honor, the caseload
may get backed up if we don't...
123
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,044
Get off the pot? Got it.
124
00:07:19,747 --> 00:07:22,682
Mr. McKenzie, do you have anything else
to say in your defense?
125
00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:24,943
Just that you can hardly blame me,
Your Honor.
126
00:07:25,119 --> 00:07:27,349
What kind of guy wants
his entire bowling team...
127
00:07:27,522 --> 00:07:29,649
...to know what his wife's goodies
look like?
128
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,199
Mr. McKenzie, I do understand
how you feel...
129
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,567
...but the fact remains that the lady
is not the one who's on trial here.
130
00:07:34,737 --> 00:07:37,797
Whether or not she should have posed
in the nude is not the point.
131
00:07:37,974 --> 00:07:40,568
Yeah? Well, the point is...
132
00:07:43,712 --> 00:07:46,306
...that I wanted you all to myself, Vickie.
133
00:07:46,481 --> 00:07:48,346
To me, your body is sacred.
134
00:07:48,516 --> 00:07:51,644
At least we agree on something.
135
00:07:52,787 --> 00:07:55,255
Look, maybe I'm not too proud
of those photos, okay?
136
00:07:55,423 --> 00:07:57,857
Maybe I was stupid to do it,
but it doesn't mean...
137
00:07:58,026 --> 00:08:00,255
...that I'm a bad person, does it?
138
00:08:00,427 --> 00:08:02,691
No, of course not.
139
00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:04,228
Hey, stuff it, rock face!
140
00:08:04,398 --> 00:08:07,094
- Mr. McKenzie...!
- Oh, now you shut up too for a minute!
141
00:08:07,268 --> 00:08:10,567
Ronald, stop it! You can't go around
telling people to shut up.
142
00:08:10,738 --> 00:08:12,865
- They won't like you.
- Everybody, shut up.
143
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,940
I've been standing here looking
at nude pictures of my fianc�e!
144
00:08:16,109 --> 00:08:17,667
All right!
145
00:08:17,844 --> 00:08:20,039
How about all you folks go out,
take a break...
146
00:08:20,213 --> 00:08:25,116
...and breathe into a paper bag, huh?
Ten minute recess.
147
00:08:31,456 --> 00:08:34,550
Okay, let's open this baby up, huh?
148
00:08:34,726 --> 00:08:38,287
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Sweetheart, I tipped the courier...
149
00:08:38,463 --> 00:08:40,863
...to find out what he gave you.
- You are really...
150
00:08:41,033 --> 00:08:43,263
...compost. You know that?
- Hey.
151
00:08:43,435 --> 00:08:47,928
I mean, garbage, slime, swill.
I have been called it all.
152
00:08:48,105 --> 00:08:50,733
How about maggot sandwich?
153
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:58,175
Jackie O., Studio 54.
154
00:08:58,349 --> 00:09:01,317
- Go away, Craven.
- Listen, I know I'm gonna get that file...
155
00:09:01,484 --> 00:09:04,715
...even if I have to resort to legal means.
156
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:10,521
Come on, sweetheart. Open up the file.
157
00:09:10,694 --> 00:09:13,288
There is no way you're getting
your slime-soaked hooks...
158
00:09:13,463 --> 00:09:16,727
...on the judge's record.
- "Slime-soaked hooks"?
159
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:21,258
Look, it's probably just a youthful
offender thing if the file is sealed.
160
00:09:21,437 --> 00:09:24,668
From a legal standpoint,
a juvenile file doesn't even exist.
161
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,172
It can only be opened
by an officer of the court.
162
00:09:27,343 --> 00:09:30,005
- Like her.
- Out.
163
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,798
...what Judge Stone is hiding
just as much as the rest of us.
164
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,859
- Who says he's hiding anything?
- Hey...
165
00:09:36,035 --> 00:09:40,596
...everybody's got something to hide, lady.
That's what makes this country great.
166
00:09:41,273 --> 00:09:45,573
- Would you just get out of here?!
- No. Not until I have that file. Here. Give...
167
00:09:45,744 --> 00:09:48,679
You are not getting it now.
168
00:09:53,518 --> 00:09:56,042
I've been in worse places.
169
00:09:57,622 --> 00:09:58,919
Shocking, isn't it?
170
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:00,880
Yes.
171
00:10:01,058 --> 00:10:02,855
So, what do you think?
172
00:10:03,027 --> 00:10:05,222
Frankly, Judge Stone, I'm floored.
173
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,694
Yeah. The groom seemed
a bit surprised by it too.
174
00:10:07,865 --> 00:10:10,231
- What?
- What I can't stop thinking is...
175
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:13,927
...what kind of sick mind would dredge up
somebody's past like that?
176
00:10:14,104 --> 00:10:17,767
I mean, bringing those photos
to the wedding...
177
00:10:17,941 --> 00:10:22,071
Gee, come on! Whatever happened
to toaster ovens and blenders?
178
00:10:22,612 --> 00:10:25,046
Harry, if you have anything else
to tell us...
179
00:10:25,215 --> 00:10:27,910
...I want you to know I'll understand.
180
00:10:28,317 --> 00:10:32,151
No. I'm finished, but thanks
for being there.
181
00:10:33,422 --> 00:10:37,586
I believe what the lady is referring to
is a certain...
182
00:10:37,993 --> 00:10:40,188
...skeleton in your closet.
183
00:10:40,496 --> 00:10:43,293
Craven, I see your lips moving,
but I don't hear anything.
184
00:10:43,464 --> 00:10:47,025
How's this for a headline:
"The Hoodlum Judge."
185
00:10:48,369 --> 00:10:50,633
Gonna make a great story.
186
00:10:51,506 --> 00:10:53,269
What's he talking about?
187
00:10:53,741 --> 00:10:58,370
Well, Your Honor, he seems to have gotten
this silly notion that you have a...
188
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,643
...criminal record.
189
00:11:06,019 --> 00:11:08,681
- How did you find out about that?
- Oh, I'll never tell.
190
00:11:08,855 --> 00:11:11,483
A good newsman always protects
his sources.
191
00:11:11,658 --> 00:11:13,716
Right, sweetheart?
192
00:11:18,931 --> 00:11:20,296
It was completely inadvertent.
193
00:11:20,466 --> 00:11:24,232
I had no idea I'd come across this file
when I was trying to track down... I mean...
194
00:11:24,403 --> 00:11:26,963
- Some other...
- Where's the file now?
195
00:11:30,875 --> 00:11:34,675
Harry, you have to believe me
that I had no idea I'd find this.
196
00:11:34,846 --> 00:11:37,906
- Well, what else you got in there?
- Nothing!
197
00:11:39,784 --> 00:11:42,252
I mean, nothing I'd wanna go public with.
198
00:11:42,754 --> 00:11:46,018
Okay, what was it, judge?
What did they put you away for?
199
00:11:46,190 --> 00:11:48,055
Nothing I wanna go public with.
200
00:11:48,225 --> 00:11:51,422
One way or another, I'm gonna find out
what you did and print it.
201
00:11:51,595 --> 00:11:54,621
Now, I might go a little easy on you
if you cooperate.
202
00:11:55,232 --> 00:11:59,190
- Let me put it this way: Get out.
- Okay, I'll start with "no comment."
203
00:11:59,369 --> 00:12:04,329
I mean, it sounds dry,
but it's very incriminating, and...
204
00:12:10,079 --> 00:12:14,175
Harry, I had no idea how damaging...
205
00:12:15,784 --> 00:12:18,252
- I feel awful.
- Lana, forget it.
206
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:21,389
- It was bound to come out sooner or later.
- No, not forget it.
207
00:12:21,556 --> 00:12:23,319
This is terrible!
208
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:25,892
- Lana, please!
- Really. And it's all my fault.
209
00:12:26,061 --> 00:12:28,495
You know, I could just kill myself.
I really could.
210
00:12:28,663 --> 00:12:30,892
I could just rip out my tongue
with my own hands.
211
00:12:31,065 --> 00:12:33,260
I could just slit my own throat.
I could just...
212
00:12:33,434 --> 00:12:36,198
Lana, can we have an end
to the bloodshed, please?
213
00:12:36,370 --> 00:12:39,032
Look, so Craven prints it.
214
00:12:39,206 --> 00:12:41,436
Now, what's the worst that can happen?
215
00:12:42,410 --> 00:12:45,072
Well, I'd be publicly disgraced...
216
00:12:45,246 --> 00:12:50,182
...making it impossible for me to continue
to function effectively as a judge.
217
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:52,477
I'd have to step down.
218
00:12:52,652 --> 00:12:54,517
Right, but...
219
00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:58,449
...you've still got your health.
220
00:13:01,427 --> 00:13:04,590
I'm sorry. I've never tried
to cheer up anybody before.
221
00:13:11,770 --> 00:13:13,601
- All rise.
- Don't bother getting up.
222
00:13:13,772 --> 00:13:15,797
We're not starting yet.
223
00:13:16,941 --> 00:13:19,569
As some of you already know...
224
00:13:19,744 --> 00:13:22,645
...I was once in jail.
- Harry, don't do this.
225
00:13:22,814 --> 00:13:26,272
I mention that only because
it seems germane to this case.
226
00:13:26,451 --> 00:13:30,547
However Miss Guyer feels about having
posed nude, it's done.
227
00:13:30,721 --> 00:13:33,484
It's a fact that can't be changed.
228
00:13:33,657 --> 00:13:36,023
And it's the same with what I did.
229
00:13:36,193 --> 00:13:39,526
- What did you do?
- I'm getting to that.
230
00:13:39,696 --> 00:13:42,790
Just a second, judge.
I wanna take a few notes.
231
00:13:42,966 --> 00:13:44,797
Okay, Craven. Get your pen out.
232
00:13:44,968 --> 00:13:46,196
You ready?
233
00:13:46,369 --> 00:13:47,926
I knocked over a liquor store.
234
00:13:48,104 --> 00:13:51,437
- You committed armed robbery?
- No. I knocked over a liquor store.
235
00:13:51,607 --> 00:13:55,634
The front part of it, anyway,
with a '64 Cadillac convertible.
236
00:13:55,811 --> 00:13:59,542
- I owned one of those once.
- Did you? I didn't.
237
00:13:59,849 --> 00:14:02,976
- You mean you stole the car?
- Impulsive, huh?
238
00:14:03,151 --> 00:14:04,482
But I was a teenager then.
239
00:14:04,652 --> 00:14:09,248
All I meant to do was drive around the block
a couple of times and take it back...
240
00:14:09,424 --> 00:14:11,949
...but my foot slipped off
the brake pedal, and...
241
00:14:13,161 --> 00:14:14,890
Correct.
242
00:14:16,030 --> 00:14:19,590
I only spent two nights in jail
and a couple of weeks in the reformatory...
243
00:14:19,766 --> 00:14:22,360
...but it affected me
for the rest of my life.
244
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:25,303
- Being in jail?
- No.
245
00:14:25,472 --> 00:14:28,930
Being in the path of my father's stare.
246
00:14:30,477 --> 00:14:34,640
Believe me, in 20 minutes,
I spent my time in hell.
247
00:14:35,481 --> 00:14:39,144
It was a courtroom like this,
and he sat right there.
248
00:14:44,056 --> 00:14:46,524
You would have thought
he could have blinked or...
249
00:14:46,692 --> 00:14:50,024
...something. He could have reached out
and slapped me or...
250
00:14:50,195 --> 00:14:53,096
...yelled at me or beat me, but...
251
00:14:53,632 --> 00:14:57,124
...damn it, he just sat there
and looked at me.
252
00:14:58,236 --> 00:15:00,534
And then when it was all over...
253
00:15:00,705 --> 00:15:02,570
...all he said was:
254
00:15:03,241 --> 00:15:06,403
"You disappointed me, Harold."
255
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,194
When a boy loves his father...
256
00:15:13,038 --> 00:15:15,164
...he would rather get...
257
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:20,700
...knocked across the head
with a two-by-four...
258
00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:24,505
...than hear that kind of stuff.
259
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,592
Well, anyway...
260
00:15:28,769 --> 00:15:32,364
...not too long after that, he just...
261
00:15:32,539 --> 00:15:34,473
...sort of died.
262
00:15:37,411 --> 00:15:40,208
It always kind of bugged me, you know.
263
00:15:40,379 --> 00:15:42,609
That he never found out...
264
00:15:42,782 --> 00:15:44,807
...that...
265
00:15:46,085 --> 00:15:49,782
...I hadn't made a habit
out of stealing cars.
266
00:15:51,958 --> 00:15:54,585
Let the record show
that I convened court...
267
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,661
...I found the defendant, Ronald McKenzie,
guilty as charged...
268
00:15:57,829 --> 00:15:59,797
...asked him to pay restitution...
269
00:15:59,965 --> 00:16:03,264
...and gave him a 10-day
suspended sentence.
270
00:16:04,202 --> 00:16:06,568
And then I called a recess.
271
00:16:14,812 --> 00:16:16,109
Harry?
272
00:16:19,784 --> 00:16:21,718
Harry?
273
00:16:25,088 --> 00:16:26,988
Harry?
274
00:16:27,624 --> 00:16:29,251
Harry.
275
00:16:29,425 --> 00:16:31,052
My God.
276
00:16:31,795 --> 00:16:35,026
- I thought you were...
- What? Resting comfortably?
277
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,928
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. I just...
278
00:16:40,103 --> 00:16:43,003
...had a little attack
of the past, you know?
279
00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:46,835
Maybe it's just time I learned
that I can't change it.
280
00:16:47,442 --> 00:16:50,878
"Things that are done, it is needless
to speak about.
281
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:54,775
Things that are past,
it is needless to blame."
282
00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:56,541
Confucius?
283
00:16:56,717 --> 00:16:58,241
Probably.
284
00:16:58,953 --> 00:17:02,389
In any case, it's the longest message
I ever read in a fortune cookie.
285
00:17:05,693 --> 00:17:07,251
It's okay.
286
00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:11,623
- Anybody home?
- This isn't what you were thinking.
287
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,789
I mean, I'm engaged.
288
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:17,693
No, we just thought you were
comforting a friend.
289
00:17:18,672 --> 00:17:21,334
Then it was. I mean,
what you were thinking.
290
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,642
- Your Honor, are you all right?
- We were worried about you.
291
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:29,474
I'm fine. Thank you all very much
for being concerned, really.
292
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:32,446
Knock, knock.
Look what the cat dragged in.
293
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,920
I thought I'd save somebody
the trouble of saying it.
294
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:38,886
You back for more dirt, Craven?
295
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,753
What, that car stuff? Are you crazy?
296
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:44,793
"Joyriding Judge"? What the hell is that?
I can't print that.
297
00:17:46,164 --> 00:17:47,893
I mean, that's nothing.
298
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:51,433
Now, take the piece I did on the deranged
men's room attendant in Queens.
299
00:17:51,603 --> 00:17:53,332
No.
300
00:17:53,504 --> 00:17:55,233
You take it and...
301
00:17:56,574 --> 00:17:58,632
I'm way ahead of you.
302
00:18:16,792 --> 00:18:18,316
Hello.
303
00:18:18,494 --> 00:18:21,395
Oh, look. It's my favorite pair.
304
00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:27,432
What can we do for you kids?
305
00:18:27,603 --> 00:18:31,231
Well, I hate to bother you again,
judge, but...
306
00:18:31,406 --> 00:18:34,034
...could you marry us?
- It's on again, huh?
307
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,031
So, what do you say, judge?
308
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,329
Sure. Make an appointment
with Miss Wagner...
309
00:18:38,504 --> 00:18:41,472
No, you see, the suit has to be back
in the morning.
310
00:18:43,141 --> 00:18:44,608
You mean?
311
00:18:45,343 --> 00:18:50,303
- Sure! What the heck? Why not?
- Oh, my God. We're having a wedding.
312
00:18:50,482 --> 00:18:54,009
- Now? Surely you don't intend...
- I think all we need is a marriage license.
313
00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:55,550
Here you go, sir.
314
00:18:56,354 --> 00:18:58,753
Dan, Liz, come on over here.
You'll be the witnesses.
315
00:18:58,922 --> 00:19:01,356
That's really a lovely thought,
but I think maybe...
316
00:19:01,525 --> 00:19:04,392
- Here. You stand over here.
- I don't think this is the time.
317
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:05,789
We're ready now.
318
00:19:05,963 --> 00:19:07,362
Fine.
319
00:19:07,998 --> 00:19:10,728
You stop following me around.
320
00:19:11,635 --> 00:19:13,693
I just wanna get to know you better.
321
00:19:13,870 --> 00:19:18,000
Here's all you need to know.
I'm armed.
322
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,861
- Forgetting something?
- What's this?
323
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,558
The text of the ceremony.
324
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,031
"Dearly beloved..."
325
00:19:27,108 --> 00:19:29,633
Let's just let her rip.
326
00:19:30,444 --> 00:19:31,934
Vickie...
327
00:19:32,113 --> 00:19:34,707
...you really love this little hothead,
don't you?
328
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:37,748
- I beg your pardon?
- Just answer the question.
329
00:19:37,918 --> 00:19:39,385
- Yes.
- Yeah. I thought so.
330
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:42,750
And, Ronnie, you feel like she's
the only woman in the world for you?
331
00:19:42,923 --> 00:19:44,515
- I do.
- Really?
332
00:19:44,691 --> 00:19:47,251
- What do you want? Blood?
- Just checking.
333
00:19:47,427 --> 00:19:49,895
Do you promise to try to show her
that you love her...
334
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:52,656
...and not just flop down
in front of the TV every night?
335
00:19:52,832 --> 00:19:54,561
- Yeah. Whatever you say.
- Okay.
336
00:19:54,733 --> 00:19:57,395
Do you promise not to jump him
with a bunch of problems...
337
00:19:57,570 --> 00:19:58,969
...when he comes in from work?
338
00:19:59,138 --> 00:20:03,438
And do you promise not to make
other plans for him on Super Bowl Sunday?
339
00:20:03,609 --> 00:20:07,476
- What?
- What happened to love, honor and cherish?
340
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:10,463
We're talking about being sensitive
and considerate...
341
00:20:10,637 --> 00:20:12,264
...to another person's feelings.
342
00:20:12,439 --> 00:20:15,772
And if you promise to do that
to the best of your ability...
343
00:20:15,942 --> 00:20:18,933
...then I don't know how you can help
but be happy.
344
00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:27,250
That's it.
345
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:30,719
- That's what?
- It's over.
346
00:20:30,889 --> 00:20:33,448
- It is?
- Hey, I just made you listen to that stuff.
347
00:20:33,624 --> 00:20:37,993
Technically, I don't have to say anything and
you're married. From now on, it's up to you.
348
00:20:38,496 --> 00:20:40,521
You may kiss the bride.
349
00:20:47,839 --> 00:20:50,602
And you may hug the judge.
350
00:20:53,109 --> 00:20:55,475
I wish we had some rice
to throw on them.
351
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:57,442
How about paper clips?
352
00:20:59,316 --> 00:21:01,250
Well, thank you all. Goodbye.
353
00:21:01,418 --> 00:21:04,045
- Good luck. Take care.
- Yeah. Bye. Thank you very much.
354
00:21:04,220 --> 00:21:05,710
Happy honeymoon!
355
00:21:05,888 --> 00:21:07,913
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
356
00:21:08,791 --> 00:21:10,452
I doubt if I could.
357
00:21:13,462 --> 00:21:15,225
Hey, everybody, come on.
358
00:21:15,397 --> 00:21:17,797
All over to my place for the reception.
359
00:21:18,033 --> 00:21:19,260
Where do you live?
360
00:21:19,434 --> 00:21:21,994
Sixth Avenue and 42nd Street.
361
00:21:23,137 --> 00:21:24,365
That's a park.
362
00:21:24,539 --> 00:21:26,905
Dress accordingly.
363
00:21:30,645 --> 00:21:31,839
By the way, folks...
364
00:21:32,013 --> 00:21:35,379
...I don't know why it makes any difference
to anyone. It sure shouldn't.
365
00:21:35,549 --> 00:21:38,211
But for the record, I'm 34 years old.
366
00:21:38,385 --> 00:21:40,478
The pool!
367
00:21:40,654 --> 00:21:44,488
- I had 28.
- Thirty-four...
368
00:21:44,658 --> 00:21:47,855
"HTS." Who's HTS?
369
00:21:52,665 --> 00:21:54,690
Call it a hunch.
370
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:59,290
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