Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:17,367 --> 00:00:18,933
There's this old joke
2
00:00:18,968 --> 00:00:22,234
that Woody Allen tells
at the end of Annie Hall
3
00:00:22,269 --> 00:00:25,501
which is, by the way,
my favorite movie of all time,
4
00:00:25,536 --> 00:00:27,732
and it goes like this...
5
00:00:27,767 --> 00:00:30,998
this guy goes
to a psychiatrist and says,
6
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:35,100
"Doc, my brother, he's crazy,
he thinks he's a chicken."
7
00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,399
and the doctor says,
8
00:00:36,434 --> 00:00:38,365
"Um, well, why don't you
turn him in?"
9
00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,534
and the guy says, "I would,
but I need the eggs."
10
00:00:43,569 --> 00:00:46,018
This joke,
coincidentally enough,
11
00:00:46,053 --> 00:00:48,432
explains how I recently
found myself
12
00:00:48,467 --> 00:00:53,299
in the most bizarre
pseudo-relationship of my life.
13
00:00:53,334 --> 00:00:57,200
I had just written this article
called "My dinner with Woody,"
14
00:00:57,235 --> 00:01:00,098
which was this fantasy piece
about having a meal
15
00:01:00,133 --> 00:01:04,067
and an incredible conversation
with my intellectual hero.
16
00:01:04,102 --> 00:01:05,666
I thought it was pretty good,
17
00:01:05,701 --> 00:01:07,901
and everyone around here
seemed to really like it.
18
00:01:07,936 --> 00:01:10,599
"My dinner with Woody."
19
00:01:10,634 --> 00:01:12,367
What's next,
"My pedicure with Neil Simon?"
20
00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:16,868
Well, I, for one,
found it compelling.
21
00:01:16,903 --> 00:01:18,551
You did, really? I'm shocked.
22
00:01:18,586 --> 00:01:20,165
Next month,
you could do
23
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:21,600
"My dinner with
Claudia Schiffer."
24
00:01:21,635 --> 00:01:23,000
Why would I want
to have dinner
25
00:01:23,035 --> 00:01:24,165
with Claudia Schiffer?
26
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:25,732
Because
she sells magazines,
27
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:27,801
and after this silly
Woody Allen piece,
28
00:01:27,836 --> 00:01:29,632
we may have to.
29
00:01:29,667 --> 00:01:31,232
There's nothing
silly about it.
30
00:01:31,267 --> 00:01:33,868
Haven't you ever wanted
to have a deep conversation
31
00:01:33,903 --> 00:01:36,234
with someone other
than Claudia Schiffer?
32
00:01:36,269 --> 00:01:37,734
David Copperfield.
33
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,767
I want to find out
how that windblown freak
34
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,367
got Claudia Schiffer.
35
00:01:44,834 --> 00:01:47,734
You know whose brain
I've always wanted to pick?
36
00:01:47,769 --> 00:01:48,965
Gore Vidal.
37
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,866
Wow, that's impressive.
Gore Vidal?
38
00:01:51,901 --> 00:01:55,734
Did I say Gore Vidal?
I meant Vidal Sassoon.
39
00:01:58,133 --> 00:01:59,501
Elliott,
what about you?
40
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:00,532
Anyone in the world.
41
00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:02,167
Who'd you most want
to have dinner with?
42
00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:04,032
Jack Gallo.
43
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:06,567
Well, thanks.
I appreciate that.
44
00:02:06,602 --> 00:02:09,934
You suckup.
45
00:02:19,334 --> 00:02:21,065
Good morning, Blush.
46
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,400
Underpaid phone monkey speaking.
47
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:27,566
Ooh, for you.
48
00:02:27,601 --> 00:02:30,000
Oh, well, whoever it is,
just take a message.
49
00:02:30,035 --> 00:02:31,367
It's Woody Allen.
50
00:02:38,801 --> 00:02:39,933
Can we keep going?
51
00:02:39,968 --> 00:02:41,134
I have an
organizational meeting
52
00:02:41,169 --> 00:02:42,300
with Doors
Across Manhattan.
53
00:02:42,335 --> 00:02:43,699
What's that again?
54
00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:45,701
You know, it's that charity
that I cofounded
55
00:02:45,736 --> 00:02:47,466
with my friend Benny.
56
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,934
Each year for one month,
we take inner-city kids
57
00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:52,834
and allow them to be doormen
for the rich.
58
00:02:56,701 --> 00:02:58,132
And how does that help?
59
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:00,801
Well, you know,
if you have packages and stuff.
60
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,800
Man, my allergies
are driving me crazy.
61
00:03:06,835 --> 00:03:09,300
I'd pay 100 bucks
for some eye drops.
62
00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:12,400
Eye drops,
eye drops...
63
00:03:12,435 --> 00:03:13,467
Eye drops.
64
00:03:13,502 --> 00:03:16,332
Damn!
65
00:03:16,367 --> 00:03:17,834
Back in a minute.
66
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:24,965
This is Maya Gallo.
67
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,501
It's Woody Allen.
68
00:03:26,536 --> 00:03:27,799
Hi.
69
00:03:27,834 --> 00:03:29,434
I'm-I'm sorryto bother you like this,
70
00:03:29,469 --> 00:03:30,799
but I just wantedto tell you
71
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:33,000
how much I, uh,enjoyed your article.
72
00:03:33,035 --> 00:03:34,332
You did?
73
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:38,365
Yeah. It wasvery flattering.
74
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,983
Listen, I wouldlove to, you know,
75
00:03:42,018 --> 00:03:45,567
meet you sometimeand, uh, say hello.
76
00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:47,165
Finch!
77
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:48,334
What?
78
00:03:49,501 --> 00:03:51,332
Ha ha...
79
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:53,232
All right, Finch,
80
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,183
very funny
Woody Allen impression.
81
00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:57,100
What, I'm on the phone
with my mother.
82
00:03:57,135 --> 00:03:58,699
Yeah, right.
83
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:00,567
Oh, hi, Mrs. Finch,
I won't keep you long
84
00:04:00,602 --> 00:04:01,532
because according to Dennis,
85
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:03,701
you have a lot
of drinking to do.
86
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,133
Oh, hi, Mrs. Finch.
87
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:14,098
Hey, maybe later,
88
00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:15,133
you can throw
firecrackers
89
00:04:15,168 --> 00:04:17,518
at my grandpa.
90
00:04:17,553 --> 00:04:19,868
Oh, I'm so sorry.
91
00:04:19,903 --> 00:04:20,933
My God...
92
00:04:20,968 --> 00:04:22,033
I have Woody Allen on hold.
93
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,365
You got any gum?
94
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,583
I have breath freshener.
95
00:04:27,618 --> 00:04:29,759
A lady is always prepared.
96
00:04:29,794 --> 00:04:31,901
Yeah, for a sobriety test.
97
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,067
What did you give me?
98
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:39,799
Aw, jeez!
99
00:04:39,834 --> 00:04:41,434
They're eye drops!
100
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,950
Sorry.
101
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,732
Uh-oh.
102
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,667
If these are my eye drops,
then what did I give Jack?
103
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,067
Minty-fresh corneas?
104
00:05:03,501 --> 00:05:05,165
Hey, how's my dad?
105
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,701
Uh, still
at the eye doctor.
106
00:05:06,736 --> 00:05:07,965
He'll be fine.
107
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,400
He just has to wear an eyepatch
for a couple of days.
108
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,000
Oh, gosh, that's terrible.
109
00:05:12,035 --> 00:05:13,332
You're telling me.
110
00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:16,067
He won't stop calling
and doing his pirate imitation.
111
00:05:16,102 --> 00:05:17,968
He does a pirate imitation?
112
00:05:18,003 --> 00:05:19,133
Not really.
113
00:05:20,267 --> 00:05:21,466
By the way,
114
00:05:21,501 --> 00:05:23,434
there's a Woody Allen
waiting in your office.
115
00:05:23,469 --> 00:05:25,566
He's here?
116
00:05:25,601 --> 00:05:26,965
I can't believe
you kept him waiting
117
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:30,667
while you blathered on
about my father's blindness!
118
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:37,650
Maya Gallo,
the great Woody Allen.
119
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:40,167
Please, just call me
The Great Woody.
120
00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:43,883
Oh, by the way,
121
00:05:43,918 --> 00:05:44,965
Mark Twain called.
122
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,868
He can't make it
for racquetball.
123
00:05:46,903 --> 00:05:48,965
Nice kid.
124
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,300
He's like the Von Trapp
they left behind.
125
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:55,801
Okay, who are you really?
126
00:05:55,836 --> 00:05:57,165
Woody Allen.
127
00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,067
All right, let me see
your driver's license.
128
00:06:00,102 --> 00:06:03,232
I'm strictly a passenger...
129
00:06:03,267 --> 00:06:04,833
Ever since
I honked at a Teamster
130
00:06:04,868 --> 00:06:07,834
and he responded by spanking me
with a "how's my driving?" sign.
131
00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:11,317
But here's my, uh...
132
00:06:11,352 --> 00:06:13,267
here's my state ID.
133
00:06:16,434 --> 00:06:19,334
You legally changed your name
to Woody Allen?
134
00:06:19,369 --> 00:06:20,933
My-my agent thought
135
00:06:20,968 --> 00:06:24,401
Allen Konigsberg
sounded too Jewish.
136
00:06:24,436 --> 00:06:27,834
This from a man
named Myron Fishnik.
137
00:06:27,869 --> 00:06:30,399
Oh...
138
00:06:30,434 --> 00:06:34,334
So...you read the article and...
139
00:06:34,369 --> 00:06:35,332
called.
140
00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:38,299
That was so sweet.
141
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:41,234
Well, you're a terrific writer,
you know.
142
00:06:41,269 --> 00:06:45,751
Intellectual
without being didactic.
143
00:06:45,786 --> 00:06:50,234
Thanks.
That's a...really nice coat.
144
00:06:50,269 --> 00:06:54,634
This? I, uh, got on sale.
145
00:06:56,634 --> 00:06:59,868
So...
146
00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:04,767
So...
147
00:07:06,234 --> 00:07:08,667
Maya, I need the-
oh, I'm sorry.
148
00:07:08,702 --> 00:07:10,451
Oh, Elliott, um...
149
00:07:10,486 --> 00:07:12,026
this is Woody...
150
00:07:12,061 --> 00:07:13,567
Woody Allen.
151
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:17,965
Okay.
152
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,133
Is that all
you have to say?
153
00:07:20,168 --> 00:07:23,032
For the moment,
154
00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:26,033
but we'll be talking
about this for years.
155
00:07:27,767 --> 00:07:29,566
So, uh, while you were
outside before,
156
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:32,434
I, uh, I glanced at your list
of story ideas, here.
157
00:07:32,469 --> 00:07:33,985
You read my ideas?
158
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:35,501
They're terrific!
159
00:07:35,536 --> 00:07:37,732
Really?
160
00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:38,801
You think they're good?
161
00:07:38,836 --> 00:07:40,332
Good?
162
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:42,117
Let me tell you something,
sweetheart.
163
00:07:42,152 --> 00:07:43,868
The knishes
at the Carnegie deli are good.
164
00:07:43,903 --> 00:07:44,934
These?
These are brilliant-
165
00:07:44,969 --> 00:07:46,200
Oh!
166
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:51,067
You're just saying that.
167
00:07:51,102 --> 00:07:52,899
No!
168
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:55,532
Don't be
ridiculous.
169
00:07:55,567 --> 00:07:59,033
The-The piece on "Cinderella
and the Glass Ceiling,"
170
00:07:59,068 --> 00:08:01,434
I- I'm getting goosebumps.
171
00:08:01,469 --> 00:08:02,799
Big ones.
172
00:08:02,834 --> 00:08:06,400
My forearm looks like
a relief map of the Poconos.
173
00:08:06,435 --> 00:08:08,934
Tell that
to everybody out there.
174
00:08:08,969 --> 00:08:09,998
Trying to get this magazine
175
00:08:10,033 --> 00:08:12,033
to publish
something of substance
176
00:08:12,068 --> 00:08:13,434
is like pulling teeth.
177
00:08:13,469 --> 00:08:14,599
Please.
178
00:08:14,634 --> 00:08:16,434
You know, I have
a fear of dentists.
179
00:08:16,469 --> 00:08:18,234
I was once having
some bridge work done,
180
00:08:18,269 --> 00:08:19,699
and when I came to,
181
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:21,234
my shirt was misbuttoned.
182
00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:25,299
Besides, you just got to know
the tricks of selling.
183
00:08:25,334 --> 00:08:27,734
You know, when I was pitching
Sleeper to the studio,
184
00:08:27,769 --> 00:08:30,501
I first pitched them
the worst idea I could think of.
185
00:08:30,536 --> 00:08:32,667
Let me guess. Interiors.
186
00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:35,267
You didn't like Interiors.
187
00:08:35,302 --> 00:08:36,965
No, I did, but...
188
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,232
You thought it was indulgent.
189
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,934
No. I never used
the word "indulgent."
190
00:08:39,969 --> 00:08:41,532
Claustrophobic?
191
00:08:41,567 --> 00:08:43,200
Okay, maybe a little.
192
00:08:43,235 --> 00:08:44,834
How can you
say that?
193
00:08:44,869 --> 00:08:45,866
Jeez!
194
00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,901
Just because it didn't
have a car crash
195
00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,901
or a talking dinosaur
every three seconds?
196
00:08:49,936 --> 00:08:51,065
I'm just trying to say
197
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:52,701
I just think
it's not your best work-
198
00:08:52,736 --> 00:08:55,068
what am I doing?
199
00:08:55,103 --> 00:08:57,365
My point is,
200
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,267
after the studio
heard that bad pitch,
201
00:08:59,302 --> 00:09:00,968
they loved Sleeper.
202
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:02,899
Very funny,
203
00:09:02,934 --> 00:09:04,767
but to quote
the real Woody Allen,
204
00:09:04,802 --> 00:09:05,965
if you'll excuse me,
205
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,065
I'm due back
on planet Earth.
206
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,767
Ooh, I love it
when women quote me.
207
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:17,067
Okay, here we are.
208
00:09:17,102 --> 00:09:18,899
Back at the office.
209
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:22,367
Hey, how you
feeling, boss?
210
00:09:22,402 --> 00:09:25,834
Yarh! I'm in
ship shape, matey!
211
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:29,267
Okay, that has
to stop right now.
212
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,016
Can I get you
anything?
213
00:09:33,051 --> 00:09:34,559
Nina, relax.
I'm fine.
214
00:09:34,594 --> 00:09:35,947
Yeah, well,
I'm not.
215
00:09:35,982 --> 00:09:37,265
I am wracked
with guilt,
216
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,567
and until those
bandages come off,
217
00:09:38,602 --> 00:09:40,466
I will be your eyes.
218
00:09:40,501 --> 00:09:42,033
Well, that's
just the thing.
219
00:09:42,068 --> 00:09:43,699
I don't need eyes.
220
00:09:43,734 --> 00:09:45,901
I've never
experienced New York
221
00:09:45,936 --> 00:09:47,466
like I just did.
222
00:09:47,501 --> 00:09:49,833
The sounds,
the smells...
223
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:53,100
My other senses have
heightened tenfold.
224
00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:54,065
Hey, Jack-
225
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,501
Ah! Who said that?
226
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,484
Hey, Dad,
how are you?
227
00:10:00,519 --> 00:10:02,968
I've never
been better.
228
00:10:05,868 --> 00:10:07,299
Okay.
229
00:10:07,334 --> 00:10:09,767
Now, as soon as
Elliott gets here,
230
00:10:09,802 --> 00:10:11,501
we can start
the meeting.
231
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,367
Sorry I'm late.
232
00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:24,467
Okay. Let's begin
with articles. Maya?
233
00:10:24,502 --> 00:10:27,632
Okay, I have
this idea for a piece
234
00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:30,317
on the frustration of women
in corporate America.
235
00:10:30,352 --> 00:10:32,968
It's called "Cinderella
and the Glass Ceiling."
236
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,584
I don't know,
it sounds a little dry.
237
00:10:36,619 --> 00:10:39,193
But you haven't even
given it a chance.
238
00:10:39,228 --> 00:10:41,767
I- I don't need to.
It smells boring.
239
00:10:41,802 --> 00:10:44,701
But this is a really important-
240
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:53,834
Okay, the only other idea I have
is inside a meat-packing plant.
241
00:10:53,869 --> 00:10:54,998
"Slaughterhouse Chic."
242
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:57,083
What they do
to the animals.
243
00:10:57,118 --> 00:10:59,026
What the butchers
are wearing.
244
00:10:59,061 --> 00:11:00,934
You know, that
sort of thing.
245
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:05,834
Do the first one.
246
00:11:18,801 --> 00:11:19,901
Ohh...
247
00:11:23,367 --> 00:11:24,833
Maya,it's your dad.
248
00:11:24,868 --> 00:11:26,232
I was being drivenhome tonight,
249
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:28,968
and I smelled the mostincredible smell-
250
00:11:29,003 --> 00:11:30,098
pretzels!
251
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:31,534
So I stoppedand bought one,
252
00:11:31,569 --> 00:11:32,532
and let me tell you,
253
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,634
it was like a partyin my mouth.
254
00:11:34,669 --> 00:11:36,501
Pretzels, Maya,pretzels.
255
00:11:36,536 --> 00:11:38,334
I've never feltso alive.
256
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:42,299
Maya,it's Finch.
257
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:45,534
Your dad keeps calling meabout...pretzels.
258
00:11:45,569 --> 00:11:47,300
Just thoughtyou should know.
259
00:11:55,834 --> 00:11:57,332
What are you
doing here?
260
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:01,801
At the moment, I'm having
a major heart attack.
261
00:12:01,836 --> 00:12:03,000
I haven't heard
screaming like that
262
00:12:03,035 --> 00:12:04,365
since I told
Tony Roberts
263
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:08,067
he couldn't be in
Purple Rose of Cairo.
264
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,734
How did you get
on my balcony?
265
00:12:09,769 --> 00:12:11,084
I climbed up
the fire escape.
266
00:12:11,119 --> 00:12:12,400
I would've been
here sooner,
267
00:12:12,435 --> 00:12:13,599
but the couple on four
268
00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:16,167
likes to watch TV
in the nude.
269
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:17,365
You seem nervous.
270
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,900
Well, you scared the hell
out of me.
271
00:12:19,935 --> 00:12:22,400
Relax. You know,
I brought Chinese.
272
00:12:22,435 --> 00:12:23,532
What am I gonna do,
273
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:26,766
strangle you
with Lo Mein?
274
00:12:26,801 --> 00:12:28,234
How'd it go with
the stories today?
275
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,199
What?
276
00:12:29,234 --> 00:12:31,267
Did you try my plan?
Did it work?
277
00:12:31,302 --> 00:12:32,434
Oh, yeah, it did.
278
00:12:32,469 --> 00:12:33,965
Really?
279
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,132
That's terrific.
280
00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:37,998
I always believed in you.
281
00:12:38,033 --> 00:12:41,834
Well, not always,
but since late this afternoon.
282
00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:44,634
You look freezing.
283
00:12:44,669 --> 00:12:45,899
I'm not too bad.
284
00:12:45,934 --> 00:12:48,367
The Kung Pao chicken
is keeping my hands warm.
285
00:12:48,402 --> 00:12:49,851
Kung Pao chicken?
286
00:12:49,886 --> 00:12:51,276
And Moo Shu pork.
287
00:12:51,311 --> 00:12:52,632
Any pot stickers?
288
00:12:52,667 --> 00:12:56,367
Hey, does Rabbi Gendelman
run a little long on Saturdays?
289
00:13:04,968 --> 00:13:06,098
You know, Dennis,
290
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,998
I never said this
to you before,
291
00:13:08,033 --> 00:13:11,299
but you're an extremely
handsome man.
292
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:14,767
Let's just keep it
above the neck, cowboy.
293
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:17,517
Jack, there
you are.
294
00:13:17,552 --> 00:13:18,799
Where can
I take you?
295
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,434
Uh, nowhere. I-I'm
going to the men's room.
296
00:13:20,469 --> 00:13:22,200
Oh, here, let
me help you.
297
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:23,365
Oop! Chair.
298
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,867
Nina, I told you,
I'm fine.
299
00:13:24,902 --> 00:13:26,334
Yeah, well,
I still feel bad.
300
00:13:26,369 --> 00:13:27,365
Table.
301
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,933
Now, the last
thing I need
302
00:13:28,968 --> 00:13:30,467
is for you
to get hurt again.
303
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:34,866
Wall.
304
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:38,567
Nina, I know this magazine
like the back of my hand.
305
00:13:38,602 --> 00:13:42,234
I am perfectly capable
of making it to the men's room
306
00:13:42,269 --> 00:13:43,400
on my own.
307
00:13:52,567 --> 00:13:53,532
Hey, Maya...
308
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:56,532
your friend Woody
is on his way up here.
309
00:13:56,567 --> 00:13:59,300
Should I push back your 2:00
with Foghorn Leghorn?
310
00:14:01,634 --> 00:14:03,632
Woody...
311
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,032
What's he doing
here again?
312
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:08,032
He keeps showing up
in the strangest places.
313
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:10,868
Last night, he was on my balcony
with Chinese food.
314
00:14:10,903 --> 00:14:12,801
Wait, he showed up
at your apartment?
315
00:14:12,836 --> 00:14:13,899
He's harmless.
316
00:14:13,934 --> 00:14:15,567
Just a little eccentric.
317
00:14:15,602 --> 00:14:16,599
Maya, wake up.
318
00:14:16,634 --> 00:14:18,234
You have no idea
who this guy is.
319
00:14:18,269 --> 00:14:19,466
I mean,
who he really is.
320
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:21,767
Elliott, it's nice
that you're worried,
321
00:14:21,802 --> 00:14:22,866
but don't be.
322
00:14:22,901 --> 00:14:25,701
He's sweet and smart and funny.
323
00:14:25,736 --> 00:14:27,100
He's not Woody Allen!
324
00:14:27,135 --> 00:14:28,232
I know that,
325
00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:29,900
but I can still
enjoy his company.
326
00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:31,534
Last night we
discussed Nietzsche
327
00:14:31,569 --> 00:14:32,732
for two hours.
328
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:34,767
Oh! He has the heart
of a philosopher.
329
00:14:34,802 --> 00:14:37,868
Yeah, in a jar on his desk.
330
00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:41,299
I can't wait
to tell my wife
331
00:14:41,334 --> 00:14:45,200
I was in the men's room
with Woody Allen.
332
00:14:45,235 --> 00:14:47,167
I can't wait
to go home
333
00:14:47,202 --> 00:14:49,065
and change my shoes.
334
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,501
Maya, just because
he looks and talks
335
00:14:50,536 --> 00:14:51,799
like Woody Allen
336
00:14:51,834 --> 00:14:54,400
doesn't mean he's not
some dangerous wacko.
337
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,499
Oh, sure,
I get it.
338
00:14:55,534 --> 00:14:56,934
I see why
you don't like me.
339
00:14:56,969 --> 00:14:59,299
You're
an anti-Semite.
340
00:14:59,334 --> 00:15:00,734
Maybe you should go
into your darkroom
341
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,868
and develop
the master race.
342
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:05,334
I am not anti-Semitic.
343
00:15:06,701 --> 00:15:07,701
Why are you laughing?
344
00:15:07,736 --> 00:15:10,265
He's funny.
345
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:11,683
Maya, have dinner
with me tonight.
346
00:15:11,718 --> 00:15:13,459
I know this place
that's so trendy
347
00:15:13,494 --> 00:15:15,200
the waiters
insult themselves.
348
00:15:16,767 --> 00:15:18,767
Listen, pal, she's not
having dinner with you.
349
00:15:18,802 --> 00:15:20,868
Not tonight,
not ever.
350
00:15:20,903 --> 00:15:22,934
Pick me up at 8:00.
351
00:15:22,969 --> 00:15:24,866
Great.
352
00:15:24,901 --> 00:15:26,550
You just watch out, pal.
353
00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:28,165
You better watch out...
354
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:29,200
because that's
a nice shirt
355
00:15:29,235 --> 00:15:30,667
and I'm a bleeder.
356
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,567
I told you he was crazy.
357
00:17:03,901 --> 00:17:07,167
Imitating Woody Allen
landed him in an institution?
358
00:17:07,202 --> 00:17:10,434
Imitating Little Richard
landed him in an institution.
359
00:17:10,469 --> 00:17:12,165
His real name
is Preston Beckman.
360
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,734
He sells office supplies
over the internet.
361
00:17:13,769 --> 00:17:15,185
Oh, that's so sad.
362
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:16,566
Oh, save your tears.
363
00:17:16,601 --> 00:17:18,165
He's worth 12 million bucks,
364
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,501
and according
to his psychiatrist,
365
00:17:20,536 --> 00:17:22,065
who, by the way,
366
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:24,032
wants to meet
Cindy Crawford so badly
367
00:17:24,067 --> 00:17:27,667
he's willing to violate
doctor-patient confidentiality,
368
00:17:27,702 --> 00:17:28,933
Beckman holds on to his delusion
369
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:31,434
only as long as someone's there
to support it.
370
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:35,199
No more Woody?
371
00:17:35,234 --> 00:17:37,667
Come on, what is it
with you and this guy?
372
00:17:39,901 --> 00:17:41,933
Oh, I know it seems strange,
373
00:17:41,968 --> 00:17:46,200
but there were times
when I forgot that he wasn't...
374
00:17:46,235 --> 00:17:49,851
or maybe I let myself forget
because...
375
00:17:49,886 --> 00:17:53,467
suddenly, life was like
my favorite movie.
376
00:17:53,502 --> 00:17:55,000
How many times can you say that?
377
00:17:55,035 --> 00:17:56,833
Maya, end it.
378
00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:58,601
He won't stop
living out this fantasy
379
00:17:58,636 --> 00:17:59,534
until you do.
380
00:18:03,868 --> 00:18:05,701
I'll just miss him.
381
00:18:05,736 --> 00:18:07,167
That's all.
382
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:13,933
So I turned to the monsignor
and said,
383
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,601
"I don't even care
if there's an afterlife,
384
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,501
as long as there's no bugs."
385
00:18:20,033 --> 00:18:21,633
Um...
386
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,199
Woody...
387
00:18:23,234 --> 00:18:24,400
we need to talk.
388
00:18:24,435 --> 00:18:25,933
Oh, jeez.
389
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:27,951
That's what the guys
from Orion said
390
00:18:27,986 --> 00:18:29,899
when they saw the grosses
from Zelig.
391
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:35,033
Listen, I-I've been living
my fantasy at your expense.
392
00:18:35,068 --> 00:18:37,632
You're a wonderful person
as Woody Allen.
393
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:41,701
You can be a wonderful person
as Preston Beckman.
394
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:47,217
Do you believe this?
395
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:49,165
All of a sudden,
396
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:50,400
I feel like
I'm being questioned
397
00:18:50,435 --> 00:18:52,432
by the Gestapo.
398
00:18:52,467 --> 00:18:53,534
Who are you
talking to?
399
00:18:53,569 --> 00:18:54,833
The camera.
400
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:55,934
I'm talking
to the camera.
401
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,199
There is no camera.
402
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,734
You are not Woody Allen.
403
00:18:58,769 --> 00:19:00,199
You're not even Jewish.
404
00:19:00,234 --> 00:19:03,817
Ooh, jeez...I can't breathe.
405
00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:07,365
I suddenly feel smothered.
406
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,200
Like when my Aunt Libby
with the cabbage breath
407
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,732
used to hug me at Passover.
408
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,868
Although, she was tremendously
large-breasted,
409
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,501
which may explain
why I get aroused
410
00:19:15,536 --> 00:19:17,200
whenever I eat coleslaw.
411
00:19:21,434 --> 00:19:23,400
So you see my point.
412
00:19:23,435 --> 00:19:25,132
No.
413
00:19:25,167 --> 00:19:27,283
You see, Maya,
I think you're terrific,
414
00:19:27,318 --> 00:19:29,400
but, well,
I have to break up with you.
415
00:19:31,334 --> 00:19:32,566
You're breaking up with me?
416
00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:35,434
Frankly, Maya,
it wouldn't kill you to, uh...
417
00:19:35,469 --> 00:19:36,834
see a therapist.
418
00:19:38,868 --> 00:19:40,617
Oh, so now I'm crazy.
419
00:19:40,652 --> 00:19:42,332
Didn't say crazy.
420
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:44,901
Obsessive, yes, but crazy?
421
00:19:46,033 --> 00:19:47,734
Well, maybe that too.
422
00:19:50,267 --> 00:19:51,766
Listen, I care
about you,
423
00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:53,701
and I want you to get
the help you need,
424
00:19:53,736 --> 00:19:55,601
so I'm not gonna let
that get to me.
425
00:19:55,636 --> 00:19:58,701
It's over, baby. Let it go.
426
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,583
Okay, that got to me.
427
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,392
So long, Preston.
428
00:20:04,427 --> 00:20:06,167
I hope you get help.
429
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:09,700
So that's how it ended.
430
00:20:09,735 --> 00:20:11,232
She was a great girl,
431
00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:14,634
maybe could've even been
the love of my life, but...
432
00:20:14,669 --> 00:20:15,968
that's the way it goes.
433
00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:17,232
What are you doing?
434
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:20,501
I did see her
one more time.
435
00:20:20,536 --> 00:20:21,466
Stop that!
436
00:20:21,501 --> 00:20:23,100
She was coming out
of the film Shoah,
437
00:20:23,135 --> 00:20:24,334
which I considered
a victory,
438
00:20:24,369 --> 00:20:25,466
although a minor one,
439
00:20:25,501 --> 00:20:27,801
because she left 10 minutes
after it had started.
440
00:20:27,836 --> 00:20:28,701
Urgh!
441
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:35,667
And I never saw...
Woody or Preston again.
442
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,032
It's sort of like
that other joke
443
00:20:37,067 --> 00:20:39,132
Woody Allen tells in Annie Hall.
444
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:41,801
Two elderly women are
at a Catskill Mountain resort,
445
00:20:41,836 --> 00:20:43,032
and one of them says,
446
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:46,183
"Boy, the food at this place
is really terrible."
447
00:20:46,218 --> 00:20:49,300
The other one says,
"Yeah, and such small portions."
448
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,933
To me, that's Preston Beckman.
449
00:20:51,968 --> 00:20:56,834
Yeah, he was weird,
and at times a bit scary, but...
450
00:20:56,869 --> 00:21:00,767
such small portions.
451
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:02,866
Lady...
452
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:04,601
this thing's getting
really heavy.
453
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,000
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
454
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,532
Yeah.
455
00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:12,234
Maya, it's Woody Allen again.
456
00:21:12,269 --> 00:21:13,399
Urgh!
457
00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:14,834
I told you not
to call me
458
00:21:14,869 --> 00:21:16,499
until you got help.
459
00:21:16,534 --> 00:21:18,601
Uh, I'm holding for Maya Gallo.
460
00:21:18,636 --> 00:21:20,434
Oh, Preston,
I know this is you!
461
00:21:20,469 --> 00:21:21,399
You don't
even sound
462
00:21:21,434 --> 00:21:22,766
like Woody Allen
anymore!
463
00:21:22,801 --> 00:21:24,667
Preston?Who-who's Preston?
464
00:21:24,702 --> 00:21:25,933
Urgh!
465
00:21:25,968 --> 00:21:28,432
This is Woody Allen.I swear.
466
00:21:28,467 --> 00:21:31,000
Look, I-I just calledto say that I think
467
00:21:31,035 --> 00:21:33,033
you're a terrificwriter...
468
00:21:33,068 --> 00:21:33,998
Hi.
469
00:21:34,033 --> 00:21:36,732
Ahem.Although, you know,
470
00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:39,667
not the greatestconversationalist.
471
00:21:44,434 --> 00:21:45,799
Dennis?
472
00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:48,634
Yeah, over here
updating your Rolodex.
473
00:21:48,669 --> 00:21:49,799
Great.
474
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:52,267
By the way,
I can see again.
475
00:21:52,302 --> 00:21:54,585
Uh-oh.
476
00:21:54,620 --> 00:21:56,833
Well said.
477
00:21:56,868 --> 00:21:58,833
Heh, heh, heh...
478
00:21:58,868 --> 00:22:00,617
Tell you what,
uh...
479
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:02,332
you forget about this,
480
00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:04,400
and I'll erase
the surveillance tape
481
00:22:04,435 --> 00:22:06,434
of you whizzing
in the elevator.
482
00:22:06,469 --> 00:22:07,567
Done.
483
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:12,167
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
33113
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
