All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades s01e09 Croque for a Day.eng

You see, that's the
kind of zip-a-dee-doo-dah

that makes today's young
people so darned interesting.

Codswallop, Jack.

Their foolishness is only
going to get them in trouble.

What, you're in favor
of the poverty tax?

Why don't you tax
the lame while you're at it?

Maybe you can force
those lazy bastards to walk.

Of course I'm not
in favor of the tax.

But I'm equally opposed
to those young girls

risking their lives
in your name.

Codswallop.

(GASPS)

Oh, dear, it's going to take more than
zip-a-dee-doo-dah to get them out of this one.

Jack?

You three, halt.

Mon petit, you seem to have
mistaken this boat for the Louvre.

JACK: Bonjour.

(LAUGHING)

If you want to expose
yourself to art,

you've come to
the right place.

(JACK LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

Oh, you got paint
on your sleeve.

Here, have a new coat.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

So much for your brush
with greatness.

Oh, ladies, please,
two at a time.

WOMAN: My hero.

Oh, come on.
They're harmless.

Those poor misguided girls hang
off Dragoon's every word, Jack.

And his influence
isn't helping them.

What do you mean?
They're getting out there

and they're taking
the frog by the legs.

Besides,
young people need role models.

(SCOFFING)

Proper role models don't run around
telling impressionable young minds to,

and I quote,
"Keep sticking it to the man."

Well,
I'm not going to run around

telling them
to drink their milk.

(CHUCKLING)

Jack, you may not
want to hear this,

but perhaps the Dragoon
has outlived his usefulness.

Oh, that'll be the day.

You're just jealous because I've
got a fan club of worshippers

who cherish and adore me.

(SCOFFING)

If I wanted a fan club,
I could just as easily

run around
dressed up in a clown suit,

spouting off inanities.

Go for it.

(JEAN-CLAUDE SQUAWKING)

Oh, woe is me.

Hey J.C., what's the
matter? You sound horrible.

Oh,
after a night of debauchery,

I awoke with a splitting
headache and a surprise tattoo.

I don't see any tattoo.

And you won't.

Unless we make it
to a third date, madame.

Well, anyway,
I bring urgent news.

Napoleon has sent an inspector to
evaluate the Governor's performance

and bring a new tax bill
for Croque to sign.

(COUGHING) Vive la...

Tell me when we get to
the part where I should care.

Jack, if Croque fails,

he'll be replaced by someone
who's, well, competent.

Someone who could
pose a very real threat

to the people
of this island.

Okay. When the Inspector shows
up, we'll cork him on the beaner

and have him home
in time for Bastille Day.

That would hardly help the
Governor pass the inspection.

Look, I don't think
Croque can pass anything

except for a couple
of kidney stones.

(SIGHS)

I'm afraid I have to agree
with you on this one, Jack.

Well,
then let me don my disguise

and we'll start
cracking some heads.

You'll be donning a disguise,
all right.

(CHATTERING)

Okay, don't worry about
a thing, Governor. Yeah.

(LAUGHING)
Madame.

Emilia.

Brogard!

To the diamond mine,
Pierre.

CROQUE: Take care of the chateau,
Emilia. We will return in two days.

Inspector.

Welcome to Palau-Palau,
Inspector.

Ribette, Louis Ribette.
Who are you?

Emilia Rothschild,
local exporter

and the Governor's
close personal friend.

Where is Croque?

Uh...

Oh, here he comes now.

(LAUGHING)

Bonjour, monsieur.

(SINGING) In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

You know,
this is never gonna work.

I'm out, sister.

Yes,
what were we thinking?

Only a talented actor
could rise to the challenge.

What are you trying to say?

Well, let's face it, Jack.

When it comes to acting like an
obnoxious oaf, you take the prize,

but it's not exactly
the same thing as Shakespeare.

I'll have you know, missy,
that my undercover work

would be world-renowned
if it weren't classified.

Well, let's hope you're right,

because it's too late
to change our mind now.

The Inspector thinks
you're the Governor.

All right.

Hey, speaking of which,

how'd you get rid of
the old Croquester anyway?

I started a rumor that a
diamond mine was discovered

on the island's
eastern coastline.

Croque and Brogard
were gone

before you could say
"greedy buggers."

Now, do try to comport yourself
with a modicum of authority.

Hey, maybe later
you can show me

how to hold my pinky
while I'm sipping tea.

Now, as long as you don't go into
town, no one will recognize you.

And if Ribette asks you to sign
a new tax into law, you stall him.

Hey, what do I look
like to you, a novice?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

RIBETTE: Croque!

Sign the tax bill
and take me into town!

(GRUNTS)

Uh, well, Inspector,

I have a policy never to sign
anything without reading it

two or three hundred times.

Sign it now!

Stay out of town
and stall him.

Any other bright ideas,
brainiac?

Yes, actually,
now that you mention it.

Get new partner. Return
old one to chimp school.

Well, at least this chimp's
plan wasn't bananas.

Inspector.

How do you find
your accommodation?

Dreadful.
Where are all my servants?

The Governor was kind enough to
give his estate staff the day off.

Right, Governor?

Well, the day? Hell, I gave
them the whole week off.

As I always say,

rested servants
are less likely to revolt

and stab your eyes out
in your sleep.

I should be frank with you,
Governor Croque.

I am here to evaluate
your performance.

Your brother is worried
that you are an idiot.

(LAUGHING)

He is such a cad,
the little monkey.

I assure you, Inspector,

these people live in abject
fear of my brutal tyranny.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

What kind of trickery
is this?

Vive la résistance!

This is an outrage!

What do you think of your
fan club now, Governor?

Kids,
you've got to love them.

(LAUGHING)

No self-respecting tyrant
would stand for such mockery!

Well, Inspector,
you must understand.

This is how the locals
pay tribute.

You see, see how they offer up
their hard-earned groceries?

Thank you very much.
Please.

Oh, you are too kind.

Are you girls
completely insane?

You just threw tomatoes at the
Inspector General of France.

Even the smallest victory is
a crucial step toward justice.

It's what the Dragoon
would have done.

Because he's, like,
smart and stuff.

And if the Dragoon told you
a stork delivered you

to your parents
one fine morning,

you'd believe that as well,
I suppose.

Thank goodness
for the stork.

You're an aristocrat.

I don't expect you
to understand.

Well, I don't understand your need
to die before your 21st birthday.

It's easy to be sanctimonious
on a full stomach.

Some of us aren't so lucky.

Come on.

EMILIA: "So You Want
to Be A Governor?"

"The Idiot's Guide
to French Oppression. "

What is this, a 12-step
program to dictatorship?

No, I read that one, too.
Highly over-rated.

You know, if I didn't
know any better,

I'd say you're starting
to take this job seriously.

Well, you know,
I gotta admit,

governing has its appeal.

Besides, I'm not about to let
Inspector Clueless get the best of me.

You know, your groupies
almost ruined it for us today.

Oh, come on, now. Their
hearts are in the right place.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

You know, Em, you're funny.

An hour ago you wanted them
spanked and grounded.

Well, I'll admit I admire

their fanatical devotion
to a cause

if you admit
you've created a monster.

Yeah, but it's a monster
with great gams.

RIBETTE: Croque!

Looks like Ribette
just hit the fan.

Oh!

EMILIA: Hurry up, Jack.

(GRUNTING)

RIBETTE: Vandals,
you will be hung!

Inspector, what's going on?

What is the alarm, gendarme?

Look what these
criminals have done.

It is an outrage.

Oh, well,
I'm sure it is just...

(GASPS)

Gadzooks!

Governor, a leader
of resolute authority

would promptly punish these
tramps for their insolence.

(CLEARING THROAT)

But, Inspector,
there seems to be

some kind of
a misunderstanding

because the Governor
is widely thought of

as a mother figure
to all his people.

Of course,
there are some who say

I am the biggest mother
figure in the whole world.

Governor, as I see it,

there is only
one course of action

to deter that type
of rebellion from spreading.

Oh, well, yes, of course.

Any good leader
is open to suggestion.

Not this time.

This is your final chance.

Fail this,

and a new governor who knows how
to deal with such insurrections

will be here
in the blink of an eye!

So, how are we going
to deal with these ruffians?

Well...

I would have to say,

execute them at once.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Tres bien.

It's about time you started
showing some backbone, Croque.

Well, I was just waiting
for the perfect moment.

Governor,
are you out of your mind?

You can't kill
these poor girls.

Nonsense. He's the Governor.
He can do as he pleases.

In theory, yes, but not if he
fears the wrath of the Dragoon.

(LAUGHING)

Do not worry about
the caped ape, madame.

I have it on very good
authority that he is on vacation.

But he's never so far gone that
he can't see where he's needed.

(JACK SNICKERING)

Well,
there is an old Latin proverb

that applies
to this situation.

It is...

"lxnay on the Agoondray."

What does this mean?

The Dragoon is a crusader
for the people

and he won't let those girls
die without a fight.

She has been drinking
the water again, Inspector.

Don't listen to her.

Another criminal, huh?

Let him come.
The more the merrier!

What are you doing?

Reading Croque's laws.

Maybe I can figure out a way to
throw the book at the Inspector.

It's about time you started
talking some sense.

Lead with the spine and aim
for the bridge of his nose.

Em, what gives?

Since the first day we met, you've
been accusing me of being a Neanderthal

who only knows how to solve
his problems with his fist.

And since that very day,
you've portrayed me to be

the most civilized bore
ever to threaten

the fate of the world
through her inaction.

Yeah, but this time
we've got the law on our side

and I'm gonna prove to Ribette
that this here toadstool

ain't big enough
for the both of us.

Wake up and smell
the pond scum, Jack.

It's time for some good old-fashioned
American strong-arm tactics.

But we haven't even tried
the strong arm of the law.

He is the law.
Not while I'm Governor.

But you're not the Governor.

I won't tell if you won't.

(SIGHS)

If Baldo doesn't like it,

then Baldo can just
kiss my waxy, white lily...

Croque, it is a fine afternoon
for a hanging, is it not?

Inspector,

I have decided to delay
the execution

until we can have
a proper trial.

Just when you
do something right,

you open your mouth
and ruin everything!

Inspector, I have found that
these people respond better

to a gentle hand
than a closed fist.

Besides,
they're just children.

Just children?

They are the enemies
of France!

Let this be a lesson to whomever
taught them such horrible behavior!

Believe me, they will get a
spanking they will never forget.

I doubt
I will forget it, either.

Zut alors,
this will not stand!

Oh? I beg to differ.

According to Article 8,

Section 12 of
the Pulau-Pulau Constitution,

it states that the Governor
has the sole authority to,

and I quote,

"Inquire into facts, apply
the law, and declare judgment."

You fool!

Napoleon has given me
the authority to fire you.

Guards,
arrest the Governor at once!

Well, I'm glad
we straightened that out.

(GUARDS SHOUTING)

(LAUGHS)

This won't hurt much.

Have you any last words?

'Tis a far greater thing
to take the life from my body

than the fire from my loins.

(RAZZING)

Not even in death will you tear
the Dragoon away from my bosom.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,

I hate the Governor
and Napoleon also.

Unless the ex-Governor
has any further objections,

let the killing begin!

Un.

Deux.

Oh, it's too horrible.
What?

I can't watch.
I think I'm going to barf.

(GROANING)

Yeah. Croque or no Croque,

time for the Daring Dragoon
to kick some blowhard butt.

EMILIA: Well, well, well.

Ha!

I would've RSVPed, but I
didn't wanna spoil the surprise.

What manner
of trickery is this?

Silly Ribette,
tricks are for kids.

RIBETTE: Kill him!

(LAUGHING)

RIBETTE: You missed, fools!

WOMAN: We knew you'd save us.

This is no place
to hang around.

I don't say
stupid stuff like that.

(LAUGHING)

Do I?

(GRUNTS)

How does he make
this look so easy?

Well, don't just stand there.
Get him.

Don't just stand there.
Help him up.

(GROANS)

How clumsy of me.

(GROWLING)

RIBETTE: Get him!

You know what they say,
no noose is good noose.

Oh, please.

Run, go.

(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)

Get up, get up.
Go help them.

(GROANING)

Oh, are you okay?

Oh, help this man.

Okay, to make it fair on you
guys, I'll even close my eyes.

Down the hatch.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)

Finally got to throw
the book at someone.

(SCREAMING)

Prepare yourself
for the next life, Inspector.

Sacrebleu.

In the name
of all that is sacred,

save me from this
heartless criminal.

Well, of course
I would love to help,

but I am no longer Governor.

You relieved me of duty.

Save me and the job
is yours for life.

Deal.

What is it you want,
heathen?

Veto the poverty tax or the
blubbering blowhard gets the shiv.

No. That I cannot do.

Because, you see,
a good leader

never shows weakness
in the face of adversity.

No deal, Dragoon.

As you wish.

Wait, wait. I...

I changed my mind.

A good leader knows
how to negotiate.

Very well.

As long as you promise never
to show your ugly masked face

in these parts again.

Not even at Mardi Gras?

Take it or leave it.

Very well.

I know not to challenge a
master of tact and reason

such as yourself, Governor.

I'll take that.

Now, Inspector,

about that report.

I'm glad to see the daughters of
the Dragoon have decided to retire.

What on earth
did you say to them?

Just that the old
Dragoon had things covered

in the superhero department.

And you'll be pleased to know the
Governor has returned very upset

there were no diamonds
to be found,

but happily surprised
by his new raise.

Well, if it ain't Croque,
don't fix it.

That's what I always say.

Looks like force and diplomacy
can go hand in hand after a while.

Yeah, speaking of which,

where'd you learn
to prance around like that?

And those lame one-liners.
Come on.

I wonder
where I picked that up.

But not to worry.

I have no intention of
moving in on your territory.

As long as you admit that
I was rather scintillating.

Well, I will say this, baby.

You put the "ooh" in Dragoon.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right, come on.
Give me your best shot.

I'll hurt you.
You think you're so good.

Are you sure? Come on,
don't hold back. Let's go.

(GROANING)

Take it like a man.

Oh, like a man?
What kind of a punch was that?

I didn't mean
"hit me" hit me.

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