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? Shave it off,
stay alive, open wide ?
2
00:00:11,189 --> 00:00:14,946
? Show us how to conquer first
and then divide ?
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00:00:14,947 --> 00:00:18,578
? Don't know if we're
stayin' long, stayin' long ?
4
00:00:18,579 --> 00:00:20,039
? Used to staying weak ?
5
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,503
? And now we're staying strong ?
6
00:00:22,504 --> 00:00:26,260
? We don't wanna go
where we do not belong ?
7
00:00:26,261 --> 00:00:29,182
? Lonely as the day is long,
day is long ?
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00:00:32,022 --> 00:00:34,569
Hey, it's my buddy and yours,
9
00:00:34,570 --> 00:00:38,578
Sarah Silverman!
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- Hi!
11
00:00:44,422 --> 00:00:46,467
Hi, crowd.
12
00:00:48,471 --> 00:00:51,602
Oh, my God.
You guys are the best.
13
00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:54,149
You guys are the second best.
All right, settle in.
14
00:00:54,150 --> 00:00:57,238
I'm gonna tell you
my monologue now.
15
00:00:57,239 --> 00:00:59,492
It's my birthday this week.
16
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:02,875
And...
17
00:01:02,876 --> 00:01:04,587
Indeed, it is the anniversary
18
00:01:04,588 --> 00:01:06,381
of the first time
I got my shit together
19
00:01:06,382 --> 00:01:09,639
and moved out of
my mother's body.
20
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,728
She was 17...
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00:01:12,729 --> 00:01:15,567
years younger than I am now.
22
00:01:15,568 --> 00:01:17,403
It's so sad.
23
00:01:17,404 --> 00:01:19,282
And I still feel like
if I had a baby,
24
00:01:19,283 --> 00:01:21,370
it would be babies
having babies, like...
25
00:01:21,371 --> 00:01:24,710
even though I am
almost positively barren.
26
00:01:24,711 --> 00:01:26,798
But...
27
00:01:26,799 --> 00:01:29,010
And don't get me wrong,
I love kids.
28
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To an insane degree.
29
00:01:30,848 --> 00:01:33,477
Like you know how some guys
have a rubber neck
30
00:01:33,478 --> 00:01:36,233
over, like, juicy butts
or whatever?
31
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:38,278
That's me with babies.
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00:01:38,279 --> 00:01:40,701
Like if a toddler strolls
by me, I'm like...
33
00:01:40,702 --> 00:01:42,538
Bllllllbbbbb... ah-ooga!
34
00:01:42,539 --> 00:01:45,126
You know, it's...
you know, that sounds...
35
00:01:45,127 --> 00:01:47,923
I don't mean that in a sexual...
36
00:01:47,924 --> 00:01:49,426
It's very... We live in...
37
00:01:49,427 --> 00:01:51,138
we live in a time
where I should be
38
00:01:51,139 --> 00:01:52,641
very, very clear about this.
39
00:01:52,642 --> 00:01:55,104
I just mean
when kids are near me,
40
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I get really excited.
That also sounds wrong.
41
00:01:57,652 --> 00:02:00,114
I'm, um, I'm saying that I...
42
00:02:00,115 --> 00:02:02,201
I like looking
at strangers' children.
43
00:02:02,202 --> 00:02:04,372
Fuck! No! What I'm saying is
44
00:02:04,373 --> 00:02:06,376
that I'm running
for Senator of Alabama.
45
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:07,797
This just...
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00:02:11,847 --> 00:02:14,977
It's... Keeps coming out wrong.
47
00:02:14,978 --> 00:02:18,777
I love kids,
in a maternal way, like...
48
00:02:18,778 --> 00:02:20,781
I just love them,
like, they're so cute,
49
00:02:20,782 --> 00:02:24,120
I wanna fucking eat
their fucking cheeks.
50
00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:25,624
And I'm good with kids.
51
00:02:25,625 --> 00:02:27,878
I have so many bits
that kill with kids.
52
00:02:27,879 --> 00:02:29,715
This is where I really shine
with babies,
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00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:31,426
because I'm so committed.
54
00:02:31,427 --> 00:02:34,015
When they're like, "Again,"
I'm like, no problem.
55
00:02:34,016 --> 00:02:35,392
"Again!" You got it.
56
00:02:35,393 --> 00:02:37,146
"Again!"
I'm three steps ahead of you,
57
00:02:37,147 --> 00:02:39,484
baby.
I just freebased a Red Bull.
58
00:02:39,485 --> 00:02:42,742
I don't get tired.
You get tired.
59
00:02:44,036 --> 00:02:47,124
That said, loving kids
and having kids of your own
60
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,170
are two very different things.
61
00:02:49,171 --> 00:02:52,553
The thought of having my own
baby completely paralyzes me.
62
00:02:52,554 --> 00:02:54,640
How do people
have kids so easily?
63
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,521
It's such a huge decision.
It's fucking forever.
64
00:02:57,522 --> 00:03:00,067
Even the logistics...
I'll sit in my apartment
65
00:03:00,068 --> 00:03:03,700
and be like, okay, so...
that would be its room?
66
00:03:03,701 --> 00:03:06,956
And I guess I'd buy food
for it and clothes for it.
67
00:03:06,957 --> 00:03:09,712
And then I'd have to figure out
like a school for it, and...
68
00:03:09,713 --> 00:03:11,674
Oh, my God,
why did I name it "it"?
69
00:03:11,675 --> 00:03:14,429
That's my first mistake.
70
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:16,642
You know, a few summers ago,
I did a tour
71
00:03:16,643 --> 00:03:19,272
with a bunch of comedians,
and it was really fun.
72
00:03:19,273 --> 00:03:21,903
And it was at a time when
I was really struggling
73
00:03:21,904 --> 00:03:23,823
about never having had kids,
you know,
74
00:03:23,824 --> 00:03:25,660
like at a real crossroads.
75
00:03:25,661 --> 00:03:28,833
And one of my comedian
friends, a man, was like,
76
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,795
"Sarah, you'd be the best mom.
77
00:03:30,796 --> 00:03:33,051
You should do it, it's easy!"
78
00:03:35,681 --> 00:03:37,266
And I was like, really?
79
00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:39,647
"Who's watching
your two-year-old right now
80
00:03:39,648 --> 00:03:41,734
"and for the next
eight weeks of this tour,
81
00:03:41,735 --> 00:03:44,405
You fucking dick?"
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00:03:44,406 --> 00:03:48,039
Who is... who is my friend
and who I love.
83
00:03:49,208 --> 00:03:51,837
And I know that comedy guys
who say this kind of thing,
84
00:03:51,838 --> 00:03:53,549
they mean well. They love me.
85
00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:55,094
They're my brothers.
86
00:03:55,095 --> 00:03:57,641
I just... I wish they would
consider the fact
87
00:03:57,642 --> 00:03:59,520
that it is different for women.
88
00:03:59,521 --> 00:04:01,231
And they're not aware of it,
89
00:04:01,232 --> 00:04:04,070
because they've simply
never had to be aware of it.
90
00:04:04,071 --> 00:04:05,865
And it's that blissful ignorance
91
00:04:05,866 --> 00:04:07,577
about our different realities
92
00:04:07,578 --> 00:04:09,748
that drives me
a little bananas cuckoo.
93
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,253
Like telling me "it's easy"
94
00:04:12,254 --> 00:04:14,382
is like me telling
Stephen Hawking:
95
00:04:14,383 --> 00:04:16,428
"Oh, my God, you know
what you would love?
96
00:04:16,429 --> 00:04:20,061
Going like this..."
97
00:04:23,276 --> 00:04:25,698
"It's so easy, Stephen!
Just do this!"
98
00:04:33,881 --> 00:04:36,719
If I could be the kind
of parent my guy friends are,
99
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,890
I would do it
in a fucking second.
100
00:04:38,891 --> 00:04:40,560
If I could be a fun dad,
101
00:04:40,561 --> 00:04:42,313
I would have done that
years ago.
102
00:04:42,314 --> 00:04:46,154
I'd still get to put my job
and my passion first
103
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:48,283
and be on the road
and then come home and be
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00:04:48,284 --> 00:04:51,540
the best version of myself
in loving 40-minute bursts.
105
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,337
Yes, I would love to do that.
106
00:04:54,338 --> 00:04:56,884
If I had a partner
who wanted to stay at home
107
00:04:56,885 --> 00:05:00,725
and be the primary caregiver,
I would be so down.
108
00:05:00,726 --> 00:05:02,604
I just, unfortunately,
109
00:05:02,605 --> 00:05:05,945
am not attracted to
cuck pussies.
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00:05:10,996 --> 00:05:13,375
I do love kids. I love kids.
111
00:05:13,376 --> 00:05:16,089
But I also
really love what I do.
112
00:05:16,090 --> 00:05:20,431
Which is... anything I want.
All of the time.
113
00:05:25,316 --> 00:05:28,155
Don't get me wrong.
I know I'm the anomaly.
114
00:05:28,156 --> 00:05:30,284
You know, most women my age
115
00:05:30,285 --> 00:05:33,123
have both children and jobs,
116
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:35,587
and I'm in awe of them.
117
00:05:35,588 --> 00:05:37,591
And they always get
the same question:
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00:05:37,592 --> 00:05:41,097
"How do you balance
your life as a working mom?"
119
00:05:41,098 --> 00:05:43,895
When was the last time
a man was asked
120
00:05:43,896 --> 00:05:46,316
how he manages it all
as a working dad?
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00:05:46,317 --> 00:05:48,821
Have you ever even
heard someone talk about
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00:05:48,822 --> 00:05:51,744
or even mention the words,
"working dad"?
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00:05:51,745 --> 00:05:53,915
I do think we should start,
though.
124
00:05:53,916 --> 00:05:56,377
Are you a, um, are you a dad?
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00:05:56,378 --> 00:05:57,839
Do you have kids?
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00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,551
- I am.
- And do you have a job?
127
00:05:59,552 --> 00:06:02,097
- I do.
- Oh! That is amazing!
128
00:06:02,098 --> 00:06:04,728
- Thank you.
- Wow!
129
00:06:04,729 --> 00:06:06,315
You guys, a working dad!
130
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:10,489
I don't know how you do it!
131
00:06:10,490 --> 00:06:13,203
Working father in the audience.
132
00:06:13,204 --> 00:06:14,831
It's an honor to...
133
00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:18,004
Men really can have it all.
134
00:06:18,005 --> 00:06:20,133
That's amazing.
135
00:06:20,134 --> 00:06:21,887
What is this monologue about?
136
00:06:21,888 --> 00:06:24,100
Um... yeah, I guess
it's about double standards.
137
00:06:24,101 --> 00:06:26,563
But it's also about
understanding
138
00:06:26,564 --> 00:06:28,901
that different people
have different realities.
139
00:06:28,902 --> 00:06:31,239
Like right now I'm realizing
140
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:34,705
that this monologue
is extremely heteronormative,
141
00:06:34,706 --> 00:06:38,754
a tad bit Sarah-centric
as well, uh...
142
00:06:38,755 --> 00:06:40,801
and downright laugh-tastic.
143
00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:46,477
But, you know, I'm trying.
I'm trying to be aware of that.
144
00:06:46,478 --> 00:06:48,607
And really,
that's all I'm talking about.
145
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:51,404
Like when I see
Stephen Hawking now,
146
00:06:51,405 --> 00:06:54,578
I'll just say, "Oh, my God,
you know what you would love?"
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00:06:54,579 --> 00:06:57,542
"Solving the problems
of the universe
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whilst moving just your eyes
a little bit."
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00:07:06,811 --> 00:07:09,315
Look, it's hard.
It's hard to be a person.
150
00:07:09,316 --> 00:07:11,444
And regardless
of who raised you,
151
00:07:11,445 --> 00:07:13,741
we all started off
the same way...
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00:07:13,742 --> 00:07:15,787
As innocent babies.
153
00:07:15,788 --> 00:07:18,501
Check out these baby pictures.
Okay, this is a picture of me.
154
00:07:18,502 --> 00:07:21,757
- Okay. Ohh...
- Aw!
155
00:07:21,758 --> 00:07:24,428
- I was the cutest kid.
156
00:07:24,429 --> 00:07:26,140
Back then no one would've said
157
00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:28,228
that little girl
would someday grow up
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to become a divisive comedian
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00:07:29,857 --> 00:07:32,655
who's very much
not everybody's cup of tea.
160
00:07:34,784 --> 00:07:36,537
Okay, um, here's Allan.
161
00:07:36,538 --> 00:07:39,793
Okay, this is our terrific
Director on the show.
162
00:07:39,794 --> 00:07:41,922
Allan Kartun.
- And ready, back to two,
163
00:07:41,923 --> 00:07:42,924
and take.
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00:07:42,925 --> 00:07:44,970
-
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00:07:44,971 --> 00:07:46,640
Adorable.
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00:07:46,641 --> 00:07:47,809
Oh, here's one.
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00:07:47,810 --> 00:07:49,228
Aw!
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00:07:49,229 --> 00:07:51,942
This one melts my heart.
169
00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:53,947
Can you believe it? It's Hitler.
170
00:07:55,366 --> 00:07:58,289
Babies are cute.
They're born innocent.
171
00:08:04,844 --> 00:08:06,513
I saw you. You were like...
172
00:08:06,514 --> 00:08:08,767
"Oh, my God!"
173
00:08:08,768 --> 00:08:10,813
Yeah!
174
00:08:10,814 --> 00:08:13,986
He was like a super-cute baby.
175
00:08:13,987 --> 00:08:16,533
Assholes don't start out
assholes.
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00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:19,956
They blossom into assholes.
177
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:22,294
We start out as dreamers.
178
00:08:22,295 --> 00:08:24,716
Just take a look
at these lil' dreamers.
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00:08:24,717 --> 00:08:27,429
Cool. Can you hop up here?
180
00:08:27,430 --> 00:08:29,517
I'm gonna hold it, so that way
it doesn't tip over.
181
00:08:29,518 --> 00:08:31,062
Okay, so what do you wanna be
182
00:08:31,063 --> 00:08:32,315
when you grow up?
183
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,275
- Oh, my God.
184
00:09:57,276 --> 00:10:00,240
Weren't those kids adorable?
185
00:10:00,241 --> 00:10:02,620
Kills me. Adorable, adorable
186
00:10:02,621 --> 00:10:04,624
colossal assholes.
187
00:10:04,625 --> 00:10:07,087
What is that?
188
00:10:07,088 --> 00:10:08,757
What the...
I'm sorry.
189
00:10:08,758 --> 00:10:11,011
Am I interrupting
something important?
190
00:10:11,012 --> 00:10:12,641
I doubt it!
191
00:10:14,060 --> 00:10:16,565
You're in "The Mather Zone" now!
192
00:10:16,566 --> 00:10:18,694
- Hey, it's your good
friend Mather!
193
00:10:18,695 --> 00:10:20,614
Hello, sheeple!
194
00:10:20,615 --> 00:10:22,033
The lame-streaming media told me
195
00:10:22,034 --> 00:10:23,620
that I wasn't needed anymore.
196
00:10:23,621 --> 00:10:25,541
And I was like, oh, boo-hoo.
197
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,127
No more playing the beta bitch?
198
00:10:27,128 --> 00:10:30,133
Beta bitch!
- Yeah, I'm okay with that.
199
00:10:30,134 --> 00:10:32,012
You won't see me
playing second fiddle
200
00:10:32,013 --> 00:10:34,934
to some skirt
with a vajayjay like, um...
201
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:36,187
- ever!
- Bye!
202
00:10:36,188 --> 00:10:37,648
- Because, baby, I am all that
203
00:10:37,649 --> 00:10:39,611
and a bag of chips.
204
00:10:39,612 --> 00:10:41,698
See, white men are under
attack, boo-boo.
205
00:10:41,699 --> 00:10:43,535
I've been tuning into
the manisphere,
206
00:10:43,536 --> 00:10:45,873
so consider this
my red pill moment.
207
00:10:45,874 --> 00:10:47,627
I've unplugged from the shestem,
208
00:10:47,628 --> 00:10:51,467
and I'm not taking orders
from females anymore!
209
00:10:51,468 --> 00:10:54,348
See, I'm not the problem.
210
00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:57,229
Sarah "Enslave All Men"
is the problem!
211
00:10:57,230 --> 00:10:58,525
I was her...
212
00:11:01,279 --> 00:11:02,990
That's not racist!
213
00:11:02,991 --> 00:11:05,119
Well, now this white man
is fighting back
214
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,332
and exposing her
for what she is...
215
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,879
The Hitler of female
talk show hosts
216
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,009
of streaming TV.
217
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,937
- Ha ha. I just realized
I could do that.
218
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,899
Whew...
219
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:21,654
- I guess, uh...
- Whoo!
220
00:11:26,706 --> 00:11:30,588
- Apparently, Mather...
hacked into the system.
221
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:33,217
And by the way, there are
only two female hosts
222
00:11:33,218 --> 00:11:35,471
on streaming TV,
so basically he's saying
223
00:11:35,472 --> 00:11:40,064
that I'm the Hitler
of me and Chelsea Handler.
224
00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:43,154
I can't believe he said
I'm racist against white guys.
225
00:11:43,155 --> 00:11:46,328
That's crazy! Some of my best
friends are white guys.
226
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:51,170
Look, I... You know,
it'd be easy to get mad,
227
00:11:51,171 --> 00:11:53,592
but the truth is, like...
228
00:11:53,593 --> 00:11:55,094
I care about Mather, you know?
229
00:11:55,095 --> 00:11:56,723
We started out together.
230
00:11:56,724 --> 00:12:00,188
We were both interns
on the "Jenny Jones Show."
231
00:12:00,189 --> 00:12:03,194
I'm gonna...
In the meantime, I will.
232
00:12:03,195 --> 00:12:05,281
I'll have to find a replacement,
233
00:12:05,282 --> 00:12:08,496
but, you know,
I do hope he'll be back.
234
00:12:08,497 --> 00:12:12,463
Oh, and we'll be back,
right after this.
235
00:12:24,028 --> 00:12:25,656
- If I weren't a comedian,
236
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:27,785
I'd probably be a schoolteacher.
237
00:12:27,786 --> 00:12:29,872
I always thought
I'd be good at that.
238
00:12:29,873 --> 00:12:33,087
But after this next piece,
I know I was wrong.
239
00:12:33,088 --> 00:12:35,843
I'm great at it.
240
00:12:35,844 --> 00:12:38,682
The education system
is suffering in myriad ways,
241
00:12:38,683 --> 00:12:41,604
and that is a real word
that I used correctly.
242
00:12:41,605 --> 00:12:43,734
Teachers are overworked.
Resources are strapped.
243
00:12:43,735 --> 00:12:45,696
There's too many kids
per classroom.
244
00:12:45,697 --> 00:12:47,616
Plus, they're teaching
the wrong stuff.
245
00:12:47,617 --> 00:12:49,411
They're not teaching
life lessons,
246
00:12:49,412 --> 00:12:51,373
like how to not be an asshole.
247
00:12:51,374 --> 00:12:54,548
So I came to this school in
Brooklyn to impart my wisdom.
248
00:13:09,035 --> 00:13:11,164
Come to expect it.
249
00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:20,389
My name is Sarah Silverman.
250
00:13:20,390 --> 00:13:22,143
I'm your substitute teacher
today.
251
00:13:22,144 --> 00:13:23,772
I want you to take your books,
252
00:13:23,773 --> 00:13:26,111
throw them out
the window, right?
253
00:13:27,113 --> 00:13:28,573
Don't really, though.
254
00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:30,201
I don't wanna get in trouble
with them.
255
00:13:30,202 --> 00:13:33,124
But what I do want you
to throw out the window...
256
00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:35,963
All your preconceived notions,
all right?
257
00:13:35,964 --> 00:13:37,967
'Cause that's not what
today's gonna be about.
258
00:13:37,968 --> 00:13:40,054
Who knows what
preconceived notions are?
259
00:13:40,055 --> 00:13:42,810
- A preconceived notion
is a false assumption or idea
260
00:13:42,811 --> 00:13:45,566
made by stereotypes
or general concepts,
261
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:47,946
not necessarily
based off of fact.
262
00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,536
- Holy shit.
263
00:13:51,537 --> 00:13:53,665
Yeah. That's good, uh...
264
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,044
That's definitely correct.
265
00:13:56,045 --> 00:13:58,090
- Thank you.
- All right.
266
00:13:58,091 --> 00:14:01,054
Let's talk about the basics
you need for life.
267
00:14:01,055 --> 00:14:04,477
Lesson number one...
Don't have a shitty handshake.
268
00:14:04,478 --> 00:14:07,025
It's gotta be firm,
it's gotta be strong,
269
00:14:07,026 --> 00:14:10,323
it's gotta be confident.
No wet pieces of bread.
270
00:14:10,324 --> 00:14:12,661
Hey, what's up? I'm Sarah.
- Nice to meet you.
271
00:14:12,662 --> 00:14:14,247
- A-plus.
272
00:14:14,248 --> 00:14:15,584
Hey, what's up? I'm Sarah.
- Hey, I'm Jeremy.
273
00:14:15,585 --> 00:14:17,295
- Nice to meet you.
- I love it.
274
00:14:17,296 --> 00:14:19,257
- Thank you.
- It felt like home.
275
00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:21,846
Something in that handshake
felt like home.
276
00:14:21,847 --> 00:14:23,934
Oh, no!
277
00:14:23,935 --> 00:14:27,023
Oh, my God!
What happened to you?
278
00:14:27,024 --> 00:14:28,944
Who did this?!
279
00:14:28,945 --> 00:14:31,532
- I was doing parkour,
and I was climbing a wall.
280
00:14:31,533 --> 00:14:33,285
- Do you, like...
281
00:14:33,286 --> 00:14:35,498
jump from buildings
and stuff and do...
282
00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,418
- I haven't gotten
to that point yet.
283
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:40,926
- Yeah, well,
let's master a wall.
284
00:14:40,927 --> 00:14:43,472
All right. One of the most
important life skills...
285
00:14:43,473 --> 00:14:45,101
Job interviews.
286
00:14:45,102 --> 00:14:47,271
Let's role play. Terik.
287
00:14:47,272 --> 00:14:49,067
What do you have to offer
this company?
288
00:14:49,068 --> 00:14:50,444
- I can offer
289
00:14:50,445 --> 00:14:52,448
not only my own expertise
290
00:14:52,449 --> 00:14:54,160
but my personality.
291
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,081
- I've been told
I'm pretty cool.
292
00:14:56,082 --> 00:14:58,712
- I can bring snacks.
Everyone likes snacks.
293
00:14:58,713 --> 00:15:01,466
- All right.
You guys don't get it.
294
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:04,765
I'll show you how it's done.
You interview me.
295
00:15:04,766 --> 00:15:06,101
Um...
296
00:15:06,102 --> 00:15:09,232
Why do you want to work for me?
297
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:10,903
- 'Cause I'm awesome.
298
00:15:13,158 --> 00:15:16,121
All right.
My other lessons for you.
299
00:15:16,122 --> 00:15:18,125
Before you judge somebody,
think about
300
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:20,254
how they didn't choose
the life they were given.
301
00:15:20,255 --> 00:15:23,135
And then also, don't be a dick.
302
00:15:23,136 --> 00:15:26,099
Okay, this one's important:
Battle of the Bulge.
303
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,312
This was the last major
German offensive campaign
304
00:15:28,313 --> 00:15:29,690
of World War II.
305
00:15:29,691 --> 00:15:31,151
Here's how to cheat:
306
00:15:31,152 --> 00:15:33,113
Study and read the books
307
00:15:33,114 --> 00:15:35,451
and then just know
all the information,
308
00:15:35,452 --> 00:15:37,748
and then you'll know
all the answers.
309
00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:40,504
Sex education...
This is the uterus.
310
00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:43,050
That's a fallopian tube.
I think that's like...
311
00:15:43,051 --> 00:15:44,678
- It's an ear.
- What?
312
00:15:44,679 --> 00:15:46,390
- It's an ear.
- That's an ear.
313
00:15:48,771 --> 00:15:51,984
- Yeah. So the pee definitely
doesn't come out of that.
314
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,780
Another thing.
315
00:15:53,781 --> 00:15:55,826
So you order the appetizers
for the whole table.
316
00:15:55,827 --> 00:15:58,038
Who's paying for it? You are.
317
00:15:58,039 --> 00:15:59,625
You ordered the extra
buffalo wings,
318
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,921
you ordered the onion rings
for "the table."
319
00:16:01,922 --> 00:16:03,758
It's on you... don't be cheap.
It's tacky.
320
00:16:03,759 --> 00:16:06,304
Also, other people exist.
321
00:16:06,305 --> 00:16:08,726
Something to keep
in the back of your mind.
322
00:16:08,727 --> 00:16:10,814
Hold off on starting a podcast
323
00:16:10,815 --> 00:16:13,736
until you really, really think
you've got something good.
324
00:16:13,737 --> 00:16:16,450
This one's for the girls.
You guys come with me.
325
00:16:20,125 --> 00:16:24,340
Empowerment. There's so many
ways to express yourself.
326
00:16:24,341 --> 00:16:27,180
This is just one, my favorite,
327
00:16:27,181 --> 00:16:29,728
and I'm giving it to you.
328
00:16:31,397 --> 00:16:32,816
Dip...
329
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:35,405
and then speak your truth.
330
00:16:36,909 --> 00:16:39,371
You're not the boss of me!
331
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,669
Any questions?
332
00:16:42,670 --> 00:16:45,007
- Eat this!
333
00:16:45,008 --> 00:16:47,304
Whoo!
334
00:16:48,139 --> 00:16:50,852
- My body, my choice.
335
00:16:50,853 --> 00:16:52,940
- Yes!
- Whoo!
336
00:16:52,941 --> 00:16:55,402
- God is a woman!
337
00:16:55,403 --> 00:16:57,323
- These... are weapons.
338
00:16:57,324 --> 00:16:59,494
- I fuckin' love science!
339
00:16:59,495 --> 00:17:01,749
- No, I won't read your script!
340
00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:04,337
- You should have canceled
"The Office" after season five!
341
00:17:04,338 --> 00:17:08,053
- Monica Lewinsky was only 24
when all that stuff happened.
342
00:17:08,054 --> 00:17:09,766
She was only a child!
343
00:17:17,657 --> 00:17:20,829
- Wow. I came here
to get my teach on,
344
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:25,588
but it turned out the students
got their teach on me.
345
00:17:25,589 --> 00:17:27,551
All over me.
346
00:17:27,552 --> 00:17:30,347
I'm covered in teach.
347
00:17:46,506 --> 00:17:49,135
- My guest tonight
is an ironworker,
348
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,930
a veteran, a single dad,
349
00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:54,020
and a Democrat running
against House Speaker Paul Ryan
350
00:17:54,021 --> 00:17:55,774
in next year's midterm election.
351
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,997
Please welcome "IronStache"
himself, Randy Bryce.
352
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:02,579
Hello, Randy Bryce.
- Hi. Thank you for having me.
353
00:18:02,580 --> 00:18:03,956
- Okay. I have this
written down.
354
00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:05,960
You are a dad,
355
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,631
a union leader.
356
00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:09,718
You're Polish
and you're Mexican,
357
00:18:09,719 --> 00:18:13,392
and your sister's a teacher
and your dad's a cop.
358
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:14,937
And you're a cancer survivor,
359
00:18:14,938 --> 00:18:17,526
and you're adopted,
and you're a veteran.
360
00:18:17,527 --> 00:18:19,906
You're literally
everyone in America!
361
00:18:21,827 --> 00:18:23,579
Honestly...
362
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:27,253
if you were also disabled
and a lesbian,
363
00:18:27,254 --> 00:18:29,340
you would have this whole
thing in the bag,
364
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,177
which maybe you should consider.
365
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,390
- I support those people.
366
00:18:33,391 --> 00:18:35,562
- Ohh...
367
00:18:35,563 --> 00:18:38,735
You've been an ironworker
for decades
368
00:18:38,736 --> 00:18:40,404
in Wisconsin.
369
00:18:40,405 --> 00:18:42,534
And now you're running
370
00:18:42,535 --> 00:18:45,164
in one of the highest profile
races in the country.
371
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,834
What made you decide to run?
372
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,755
- Well, I'd been involved
in politics,
373
00:18:48,756 --> 00:18:50,675
especially for the last decade.
374
00:18:50,676 --> 00:18:53,263
A lot of change has come to
the state of Wisconsin
375
00:18:53,264 --> 00:18:55,476
with Governor Walker
being elected
376
00:18:55,477 --> 00:18:57,689
and these extremist Republicans
377
00:18:57,690 --> 00:18:59,860
that have just proceeded
to shred everything
378
00:18:59,861 --> 00:19:01,989
that was once good
about our state.
379
00:19:01,990 --> 00:19:04,202
And it got to the point where
380
00:19:04,203 --> 00:19:05,955
it's a fear of what happened
in Wisconsin
381
00:19:05,956 --> 00:19:07,667
taking place
on a national level,
382
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,630
and I just had enough.
383
00:19:09,631 --> 00:19:11,884
And... and I'd been
standing up for stuff,
384
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,890
and who better than me
to take it on?
385
00:19:14,891 --> 00:19:16,520
- Yeah.
386
00:19:20,611 --> 00:19:22,154
So, uh... you're running
387
00:19:22,155 --> 00:19:24,033
in the 1st District of
Wisconsin.
388
00:19:24,034 --> 00:19:25,369
What is that, the southeast...
389
00:19:25,370 --> 00:19:27,916
- Southeast.
- Part of Wisconsin.
390
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:30,588
And you're... You grew up there.
That's where you're from.
391
00:19:30,589 --> 00:19:32,174
- Right.
- So, like, what can you
392
00:19:32,175 --> 00:19:35,180
tell me about the 1st District
of Wisconsin?
393
00:19:35,181 --> 00:19:37,978
- It's... I mean, traditionally,
a lot of hard-working people
394
00:19:37,979 --> 00:19:39,690
just like you'd see
anyplace else
395
00:19:39,691 --> 00:19:41,652
in the rest of the country.
396
00:19:41,653 --> 00:19:43,739
It used to be
a manufacturing center.
397
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:45,450
There used to be a lot of
autoworker jobs.
398
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:46,996
There's a huge plant
in Janesville,
399
00:19:46,997 --> 00:19:48,791
right in Paul Ryan's backyard,
400
00:19:48,792 --> 00:19:51,296
that's just being overgrown
with weeds and things now.
401
00:19:51,297 --> 00:19:52,757
And it's a lotta hard-work...
402
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,928
A G.E. plant
just moved up to Canada.
403
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:56,222
So a lotta people...
404
00:19:56,223 --> 00:19:58,101
There used to be
a lotta good jobs,
405
00:19:58,102 --> 00:20:01,024
and they're all disappearing,
and nobody's doing anything
406
00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:03,529
to help, you know, keep the
good-paying jobs that we have.
407
00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:05,449
- You know, on the surface,
you could...
408
00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:07,494
If I were to see
a picture of you...
409
00:20:07,495 --> 00:20:11,336
Maybe be like someone who looks
like you voted for Trump.
410
00:20:11,337 --> 00:20:12,881
And, um... that is
411
00:20:12,882 --> 00:20:15,010
very superficial of me.
412
00:20:15,011 --> 00:20:16,429
- Yes.
- Um, but, yeah...
413
00:20:16,430 --> 00:20:20,021
You're a guy...
414
00:20:22,233 --> 00:20:24,278
You know, a lot of your
campaigning,
415
00:20:24,279 --> 00:20:25,907
you were talking to
Trump voters.
416
00:20:25,908 --> 00:20:27,786
Like, what are you hearing
from them?
417
00:20:27,787 --> 00:20:30,332
What are they saying?
- People that voted for Trump
418
00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:31,459
saying... I mean,
there's a lotta them
419
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:33,506
that voted for Obama as well.
420
00:20:33,507 --> 00:20:35,843
Some have voted for Bernie
and then voted for Trump...
421
00:20:35,844 --> 00:20:37,346
That were just fed up with
422
00:20:37,347 --> 00:20:39,058
the establishment
in Washington, D. C.,
423
00:20:39,059 --> 00:20:40,477
the way that things are.
424
00:20:40,478 --> 00:20:42,106
They liked the Trump message of
425
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:43,734
he was gonna drain the swamp.
426
00:20:43,735 --> 00:20:45,278
The only thing
they weren't ready for
427
00:20:45,279 --> 00:20:47,366
was what he's gonna
put back in the swamp,
428
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:50,623
and it's a lot more toxic
than swamp water.
429
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:52,376
- Yeah.
- And they're having
430
00:20:52,377 --> 00:20:54,840
all kinds of buyer's remorse
from 'em.
431
00:20:54,841 --> 00:20:57,219
The people on the job site,
when they see me coming,
432
00:20:57,220 --> 00:20:59,850
the ones... the few that I know
voted for Trump,
433
00:20:59,851 --> 00:21:01,645
they'll hide behind a column,
first of all.
434
00:21:01,646 --> 00:21:04,233
But when I'll catch 'em,
I'll say,
435
00:21:04,234 --> 00:21:05,653
"This is gonna be a really
short conversation"
436
00:21:05,654 --> 00:21:07,657
if you can answer one question.
437
00:21:07,658 --> 00:21:10,705
"What promise did Trump
make to you that he kept?"
438
00:21:10,706 --> 00:21:12,458
And... and that's the whole thing.
439
00:21:12,459 --> 00:21:15,130
People are waking up,
seeing that he hasn't...
440
00:21:15,131 --> 00:21:17,217
He hasn't made any promise
that he intended on keeping.
441
00:21:17,218 --> 00:21:19,472
And the same people that say
they voted for Trump
442
00:21:19,473 --> 00:21:22,520
because they wanted to have
a change in Washington, D. C.,
443
00:21:22,521 --> 00:21:25,818
see Paul Ryan as part of that,
a main part of the problem.
444
00:21:25,819 --> 00:21:28,156
- Paul Ryan, uh...
445
00:21:28,157 --> 00:21:32,874
he has won by a huge margin
for two decades there.
446
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:36,840
And you've run for
a few things over the years
447
00:21:36,841 --> 00:21:38,844
and have not won.
448
00:21:38,845 --> 00:21:40,640
How are you gonna win this?
449
00:21:40,641 --> 00:21:42,142
- You know,
using the Bernie model,
450
00:21:42,143 --> 00:21:43,562
coming out and saying
what you stand for
451
00:21:43,563 --> 00:21:44,898
and where you're not gonna be,
you know,
452
00:21:44,899 --> 00:21:46,819
where you're not
gonna be bought off.
453
00:21:46,820 --> 00:21:48,531
I mean, early in the campaign
we said we're not gonna accept
454
00:21:48,532 --> 00:21:50,283
any money from fossil fuels,
455
00:21:50,284 --> 00:21:52,580
we're not gonna accept
any money from Wall Street,
456
00:21:52,581 --> 00:21:54,919
And that seemed to follow that...
457
00:21:57,257 --> 00:21:59,052
- Yeah.
458
00:22:00,304 --> 00:22:02,892
- We know we're not gonna
outraise or outspend Paul Ryan,
459
00:22:02,893 --> 00:22:05,188
but what's he gonna spend
money on,
460
00:22:05,189 --> 00:22:06,608
getting people
to know who he is?
461
00:22:06,609 --> 00:22:08,486
- Yeah.
- Everybody knows who he is.
462
00:22:08,487 --> 00:22:11,075
It's gonna be getting enough
money to get our message out,
463
00:22:11,076 --> 00:22:12,829
which we're well
on our way to doing.
464
00:22:12,830 --> 00:22:15,417
We've done polling
that shows that when people...
465
00:22:15,418 --> 00:22:17,296
We have a positive statement
of him
466
00:22:17,297 --> 00:22:19,341
versus a positive
statement of me,
467
00:22:19,342 --> 00:22:21,513
that we're actually up
by 3 points.
468
00:22:21,514 --> 00:22:23,518
- That's amazing.
469
00:22:25,146 --> 00:22:27,734
So, uh... Here's a big one.
470
00:22:27,735 --> 00:22:31,575
What does this tax plan mean
for the average American?
471
00:22:31,576 --> 00:22:33,453
- It means if
you're somebody like me
472
00:22:33,454 --> 00:22:35,917
or making under $75,000,
473
00:22:35,918 --> 00:22:38,631
even under $100,000,
you're gonna get screwed.
474
00:22:38,632 --> 00:22:41,469
And any benefit
that's gonna be put in there
475
00:22:41,470 --> 00:22:43,641
for people that aren't
billionaires...
476
00:22:43,642 --> 00:22:45,185
And that's basically
what's gonna happen
477
00:22:45,186 --> 00:22:47,356
is billionaires...
The richest people
478
00:22:47,357 --> 00:22:48,859
are gonna get richer,
479
00:22:48,860 --> 00:22:50,655
and the rest of us
are gonna get screwed.
480
00:22:50,656 --> 00:22:52,909
Same thing that's happened
since Ronald Reagan came in
481
00:22:52,910 --> 00:22:55,873
when, you know, he took
the tax rate from 70%
482
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:57,919
down to 40%
for the richest people.
483
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,881
And look how the income
inequality has just...
484
00:22:59,882 --> 00:23:01,593
It's blown up since then.
485
00:23:01,594 --> 00:23:03,931
It's gonna be a horrible thing,
486
00:23:03,932 --> 00:23:06,102
and they're not shy
about getting it done.
487
00:23:06,103 --> 00:23:07,981
They've even had... you know,
some of them have come out and
488
00:23:07,982 --> 00:23:10,151
said that if we don't
get this passed,
489
00:23:10,152 --> 00:23:12,114
our donors aren't gonna
contribute anymore.
490
00:23:12,115 --> 00:23:14,368
- Yeah. It's all about
the donors.
491
00:23:14,369 --> 00:23:16,707
It's all about the oligarchs.
I looked that up once,
492
00:23:16,708 --> 00:23:19,295
and now I say it
all the time with aplomb.
493
00:23:19,296 --> 00:23:22,802
You know, thank you
for running for office.
494
00:23:22,803 --> 00:23:24,346
Running for office is something
495
00:23:24,347 --> 00:23:27,185
that I can't imagine
how punishing that is.
496
00:23:27,186 --> 00:23:29,607
Like, how do we get more people,
497
00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:32,446
good people like you, to run?
498
00:23:32,447 --> 00:23:34,287
- Don't tell them how
punishing it is, for one.
499
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:41,380
Um...
500
00:23:41,381 --> 00:23:44,178
No, actually, I...
It's something... You know,
501
00:23:44,179 --> 00:23:46,600
people... I'll get a message
on Twitter or something,
502
00:23:46,601 --> 00:23:49,021
"Hey, Randy,
I'm in North Carolina.
503
00:23:49,022 --> 00:23:51,442
Can you send one of
your brothers down here?"
504
00:23:51,443 --> 00:23:53,614
And I'm like, "What about you?"
505
00:23:53,615 --> 00:23:56,745
You live in North Carolina.
Obviously, you care
506
00:23:56,746 --> 00:23:58,665
because you're asking about
somebody to run.
507
00:23:58,666 --> 00:24:00,335
Why don't you think about it
508
00:24:00,336 --> 00:24:02,005
and let me help get
your message out?
509
00:24:02,006 --> 00:24:03,550
Let me amplify your message.
510
00:24:03,551 --> 00:24:05,387
And that's going on
throughout the country
511
00:24:05,388 --> 00:24:07,642
through social media...
People are seeing
512
00:24:07,643 --> 00:24:09,646
other working people
that wanna step up,
513
00:24:09,647 --> 00:24:12,484
and we're getting behind each
other and giving them support.
514
00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:15,198
- It's so important. I think
if Trump gave us anything,
515
00:24:15,199 --> 00:24:18,540
he made it so people went,
"I can fucking do that."
516
00:24:20,418 --> 00:24:22,212
Randy, thank you so much.
517
00:24:22,213 --> 00:24:24,677
- Thank you so much.
- You're amazing.
518
00:24:26,514 --> 00:24:28,976
Randy Bryce, everybody.
- Thank you.
519
00:24:28,977 --> 00:24:30,564
- Wow.
520
00:24:33,110 --> 00:24:35,531
Obviously, I'd love it
if Mather were here
521
00:24:35,532 --> 00:24:38,119
to wrap up the show,
but in the meantime,
522
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:40,791
we did find a temporary
replacement.
523
00:24:40,792 --> 00:24:42,253
So, Jimmy, take us home.
524
00:24:49,476 --> 00:24:51,897
- Thanks a lot.
That is our show.
525
00:24:51,898 --> 00:24:54,861
Thank you for watching.
My apologies to Matt Damon.
526
00:24:54,862 --> 00:24:56,489
We did run out of time for him.
527
00:24:56,490 --> 00:24:59,788
Good night, America.
Sarah "lurves" you.
528
00:24:59,838 --> 00:25:04,388
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