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1
00:00:00,784 --> 00:00:03,364
It kind of sounded like you were
getting down and dirty last night.
2
00:00:03,464 --> 00:00:05,432
- Ha ha.
- Hey, Pete.
3
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:08,143
Did you just now arrive or?
4
00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:09,151
- No.
- No.
5
00:00:10,012 --> 00:00:11,342
Are you seriously telling me
6
00:00:11,342 --> 00:00:13,506
that you haven't, I don't know,
drop your good boy routine long
7
00:00:13,506 --> 00:00:16,007
enough to get into something
that's none of my business?
8
00:00:16,032 --> 00:00:19,423
What are you to her that you
walk over to me on her behalf?
9
00:00:19,465 --> 00:00:21,651
I'm trying to impress her. I'm a comic.
10
00:00:22,213 --> 00:00:23,859
I'm trying to get into the college market.
11
00:00:23,859 --> 00:00:25,026
NACA changed my life.
12
00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:27,643
I booked like 80 colleges.
Who here has a car?
13
00:00:27,668 --> 00:00:29,856
Anybody have a car? You
ever treat yourself and get
14
00:00:29,856 --> 00:00:32,019
- full service? Gas it up.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
15
00:00:32,296 --> 00:00:34,097
Gas it up.
16
00:00:34,833 --> 00:00:36,070
I got six so far and
17
00:00:36,095 --> 00:00:37,830
- I'm working on more.
- Six?
18
00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:38,863
Yes.
19
00:00:46,108 --> 00:00:48,942
?
20
00:01:00,096 --> 00:01:01,417
Thanks for coming, Artie.
21
00:01:02,078 --> 00:01:04,998
Well, listen, man. I...
I worry about you, too.
22
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,353
What's going on?
23
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:08,684
Uh... I'm kind of freaking out.
24
00:01:09,077 --> 00:01:10,096
You are?
25
00:01:10,096 --> 00:01:11,696
About the... You know, the roast.
26
00:01:11,732 --> 00:01:14,466
It's not really my natural
habitat to be, uh...
27
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,968
- Funny? I mean, uh...
- To be mean.
28
00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:18,769
See, no, but that's
good, that's why I wanted
29
00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,545
to talk to you. I wanna see if I can...
30
00:01:20,632 --> 00:01:23,199
I'm trying be mean, and I
thought I could run some by you.
31
00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:24,867
I can't help you with
roast jokes, you know.
32
00:01:24,902 --> 00:01:26,969
I'm a judge on the same
show, you know that.
33
00:01:27,005 --> 00:01:30,006
I have a code of ethics, despite
what you might think. I really do.
34
00:01:30,041 --> 00:01:32,642
I know, I'm not asking for you
to write jokes for me. I just...
35
00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,144
Yes, you are, that's what you're asking.
36
00:01:34,179 --> 00:01:35,645
Just a sounding board,
just a sounding board.
37
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,680
Honestly, you're gonna
be fine. I'm serious.
38
00:01:37,715 --> 00:01:39,148
You just need a little ammo going in.
39
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,683
You're better at this than you think.
40
00:01:40,718 --> 00:01:43,525
You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff,
41
00:01:43,550 --> 00:01:45,844
gay stuff, uh, fat ugly gay stuff.
42
00:01:46,223 --> 00:01:48,824
[STAMMERING] All the word...
I don't wanna call somebody fat,
43
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,993
somebody I don't even know, somebody ugly.
44
00:01:50,994 --> 00:01:52,033
So?
45
00:01:52,058 --> 00:01:54,596
I don't... it's just
not... It doesn't feel good.
46
00:01:54,632 --> 00:01:56,331
The only part of a roast that I like
47
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:57,932
is when you say the nice parts at the end.
48
00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,035
- Oh, okay.
- Maybe I'll just do that.
49
00:02:00,070 --> 00:02:02,571
I didn't know I was having
brunch with Michael Landon.
50
00:02:02,849 --> 00:02:05,216
If this freaks you out so
much, why are you even doing it?
51
00:02:05,251 --> 00:02:07,115
Well, Ali's doing it, and I wanted
52
00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:09,253
to show her that I could do it, too.
53
00:02:09,289 --> 00:02:13,257
She... She... She thinks I'm
like a fluffy butterfly man...
54
00:02:13,293 --> 00:02:14,425
of course she does.
55
00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:16,527
...that has no spine. She
doesn't think I have any grit.
56
00:02:16,562 --> 00:02:17,861
I wanna show... I wanna do good for her.
57
00:02:17,897 --> 00:02:18,829
You have to do this for yourself.
58
00:02:18,864 --> 00:02:20,965
You gotta get at the
jugular vein with this.
59
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,733
Honestly, you know what
happened to me once?
60
00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,535
I was on a dais with Rich Vos,
61
00:02:24,570 --> 00:02:25,915
And he said this about me:
62
00:02:25,915 --> 00:02:27,959
he said, the worst thing about 9-11
63
00:02:27,984 --> 00:02:29,620
was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey.
64
00:02:30,475 --> 00:02:32,876
If I said that, I
wouldn't sleep for a week.
65
00:02:32,912 --> 00:02:35,125
If you said that, you might
have a development deal.
66
00:02:35,439 --> 00:02:36,849
I don't like being mean.
67
00:02:40,795 --> 00:02:43,344
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
68
00:02:43,379 --> 00:02:44,646
[LAUGHING]
69
00:02:44,681 --> 00:02:47,849
ALL: Battle! Battle! Battle!
70
00:02:47,884 --> 00:02:51,753
Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle!
71
00:02:52,284 --> 00:02:55,420
Uh, you know, Mike Lawrence,
you're a really good writer.
72
00:02:55,538 --> 00:02:57,726
I've always loved your
writing, especially all
73
00:02:57,751 --> 00:02:59,960
that stuff you do on
cardboards at red lights.
74
00:02:59,995 --> 00:03:02,663
[LAUGHTER]
75
00:03:02,698 --> 00:03:04,165
Pew, pew!
76
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,144
Sarah is like a good breakfast.
77
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,387
She's got pancake tits, a butter face,
78
00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,304
and a limited supply of eggs.
79
00:03:10,339 --> 00:03:11,905
[LAUGHTER]
80
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:12,940
Mike, you, uh,
81
00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:14,507
you have such a beach body.
82
00:03:14,543 --> 00:03:16,209
And by that I mean the body of somebody
83
00:03:16,244 --> 00:03:18,679
that's been murdered, and
washes up on the shore.
84
00:03:18,714 --> 00:03:21,548
[LAUGHTER]
85
00:03:21,697 --> 00:03:24,885
Sarah's from Georgia. You know, it's
been tough for her finding a man.
86
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,754
She just can't seem to find Mr. Alt Right.
87
00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:30,590
[LAUGHTER]
88
00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:32,292
Whoa!
89
00:03:32,327 --> 00:03:33,926
Whoa!
90
00:03:33,962 --> 00:03:35,328
Whoa!
91
00:03:36,298 --> 00:03:37,397
Are you nervous?
92
00:03:37,432 --> 00:03:38,465
Uh-huh.
93
00:03:39,434 --> 00:03:40,666
I'm freaking out.
94
00:03:40,702 --> 00:03:42,135
Okay. Just get a drink.
95
00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:43,336
- Yeah, maybe I will.
- Yeah.
96
00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:46,005
Uh, who's your first... battler?
97
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,507
Uh, ooh, uh, Damien Lemon.
98
00:03:48,542 --> 00:03:49,508
Ah.
99
00:03:49,543 --> 00:03:52,007
I think he's... Yeah,
he's right over there.
100
00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:56,266
He looks, you know...
he doesn't look too mean.
101
00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:58,350
Uh, maybe I'll get a Pino Grig.
102
00:03:58,385 --> 00:03:59,518
Feels appropriate.
103
00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:01,932
Whatever's fresh. Chard.
104
00:04:02,163 --> 00:04:04,956
Hey, hey, sorry. They're almost
done upstairs. You're next.
105
00:04:04,992 --> 00:04:06,492
- Oh, okay.
- Cool, yeah.
106
00:04:06,527 --> 00:04:07,644
How'd it go?
107
00:04:07,967 --> 00:04:10,298
Man, Matteo called me
Cedric the Entertainer.
108
00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,796
Knocked me right out. Fucking twerp.
109
00:04:12,821 --> 00:04:13,954
I don't look like him.
110
00:04:14,103 --> 00:04:15,733
- No.
- I don't think you do.
111
00:04:15,758 --> 00:04:17,291
At least you can relax now.
112
00:04:17,337 --> 00:04:19,671
Relax? You don't want $5,000?
113
00:04:20,034 --> 00:04:23,453
Yeah, of course, but, you know...
whew, you know, you're done.
114
00:04:23,454 --> 00:04:25,037
I'm... I'm Pete, we haven't met.
115
00:04:25,072 --> 00:04:26,105
That's Pete.
116
00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:27,639
- Hey, Pete.
- I'm Ali's boyfriend.
117
00:04:27,674 --> 00:04:29,511
It's your boyfr... He's straight?
118
00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:32,077
You look like you coach
girls' field hockey.
119
00:04:32,113 --> 00:04:34,104
You look like He-Man's flabby brother.
120
00:04:34,104 --> 00:04:36,138
- He-Flab.
- Ooh! [LAUGHS]
121
00:04:36,173 --> 00:04:37,372
Everybody's, uh, still in roast mode.
122
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,974
[ALI LAUGHS] You look like
you're the mascot for soup.
123
00:04:40,009 --> 00:04:42,176
How much food for winter
are you storing in your neck?
124
00:04:42,212 --> 00:04:45,246
Girl, fuck me instead, I got
a bigger dick than he does.
125
00:04:45,281 --> 00:04:46,948
I'm on fire!
126
00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:48,750
Let me roast you next time. You suck.
127
00:04:48,785 --> 00:04:50,359
All right, I'm gonna get a drink.
128
00:04:53,756 --> 00:04:55,123
You'll do great.
129
00:04:56,345 --> 00:04:59,793
It looks like we found
Waldo, you guys, in a ditch.
130
00:04:59,829 --> 00:05:00,821
[LAUGHTER]
131
00:05:01,091 --> 00:05:03,464
Yeah, I was lying next to your career.
132
00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:06,033
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]
133
00:05:06,069 --> 00:05:09,170
?
134
00:05:09,205 --> 00:05:10,967
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]
- Woo!
135
00:05:13,559 --> 00:05:15,792
Wow. That was a bloodbath.
136
00:05:15,944 --> 00:05:17,678
Artie, who do you like in this one?
137
00:05:17,713 --> 00:05:19,680
In honor of, uh, everyone in Jersey,
138
00:05:19,715 --> 00:05:20,927
I'm going with the broad.
139
00:05:20,927 --> 00:05:23,717
Sarah. Good job. Sarah.
140
00:05:23,753 --> 00:05:24,787
[APPLAUSE]
141
00:05:24,812 --> 00:05:25,811
Beth Stelling?
142
00:05:25,836 --> 00:05:26,819
Sarah, blink twice
143
00:05:26,855 --> 00:05:29,089
if this is actually a hostage situation.
144
00:05:29,124 --> 00:05:30,123
[LAUGHS]
145
00:05:30,158 --> 00:05:32,125
Listen, I... I never side with the victim,
146
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,159
so I'm going with Mike.
147
00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:35,820
- [APPLAUSE]
- Ooh, tied up, Jeff.
148
00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:36,828
Who do you like?
149
00:05:36,828 --> 00:05:38,631
Well, you both had some great jokes,
150
00:05:38,666 --> 00:05:39,900
you both killed.
151
00:05:39,935 --> 00:05:41,434
This is tricky. Sarah's from the South,
152
00:05:41,469 --> 00:05:43,903
but Mike looks like the Confederate general
153
00:05:43,938 --> 00:05:45,538
she named her cat after.
154
00:05:45,573 --> 00:05:47,106
[LAUGHTER]
155
00:05:47,141 --> 00:05:50,142
I think Mike squeaked this
one out. Congrats, Unabomber.
156
00:05:50,177 --> 00:05:52,801
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
- That's Mike Lawrence!
157
00:05:58,653 --> 00:06:00,452
That brings us to our next challengers.
158
00:06:00,487 --> 00:06:04,032
She's a left-leaning Jew,
his dad left when he was two.
159
00:06:04,258 --> 00:06:06,725
It's Black Lives Matter
versus Stepford Wives.
160
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,228
Make it loud for Damien
Lemon and Ali Reissen!
161
00:06:09,263 --> 00:06:12,564
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
162
00:06:16,598 --> 00:06:18,036
Battlers, are we ready?
163
00:06:18,071 --> 00:06:20,238
Oh, yeah, I mean, I think
this is gonna be a fair battle,
164
00:06:20,273 --> 00:06:22,140
'cause even though I have
more experience roasting,
165
00:06:22,175 --> 00:06:25,443
Damien has more experience
speaking in front of judges, so...
166
00:06:25,478 --> 00:06:26,945
[LAUGHTER]
167
00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:28,012
Hear, hear.
168
00:06:28,048 --> 00:06:29,380
[CHUCKLES] Guilty.
169
00:06:29,416 --> 00:06:32,616
Speaking of judges, this is the
closest I've felt like O.J. Simpson,
170
00:06:32,652 --> 00:06:34,485
because I'm about to
murder this white bitch
171
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,786
and walk off Scot-free!
172
00:06:35,822 --> 00:06:38,121
[AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS]
173
00:06:38,157 --> 00:06:40,591
Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty!
174
00:06:40,626 --> 00:06:42,626
All right, all right. Save that heat.
175
00:06:42,662 --> 00:06:43,885
Who wants to go first?
176
00:06:43,885 --> 00:06:44,922
Ladies first.
177
00:06:44,922 --> 00:06:46,729
Oh, I totally agree. Damien?
178
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,955
- Whoa! Damien, you're up. Let's roast!
- Fair enough.
179
00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:52,791
[CHANTING] Roast! Roast!
Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast!
180
00:06:52,826 --> 00:06:54,092
Roast! Roast!
181
00:06:54,127 --> 00:06:56,428
- Ali, I'm on MTV.
- Mm.
182
00:06:56,463 --> 00:06:58,063
I think you should be, too.
183
00:06:58,098 --> 00:07:00,465
You know? You got the
body of a Teen Mom,
184
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,190
you got the face of a Catfish,
185
00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:05,002
and your pussy is Wild 'n Out!
186
00:07:05,038 --> 00:07:08,766
Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n!
187
00:07:09,176 --> 00:07:12,176
That joke was weaker than
Damien's credit score.
188
00:07:12,211 --> 00:07:13,581
- Now, listen...
- [LAUGHTER]
189
00:07:14,447 --> 00:07:16,246
It's true, Damien, you book a lot of roles,
190
00:07:16,282 --> 00:07:18,727
even though you're a shitty actor.
191
00:07:19,218 --> 00:07:21,834
Before each take, the director has to yell,
192
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,320
"Affirmative... action!"
193
00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:24,923
[LAUGHTER]
194
00:07:24,923 --> 00:07:28,232
Ali, you look like if white
privilege had a HR department.
195
00:07:28,359 --> 00:07:30,626
- [LAUGHTER]
- _
196
00:07:33,299 --> 00:07:35,633
Damien, you look like a black ghost
197
00:07:35,658 --> 00:07:37,434
that haunts barber shops.
198
00:07:37,470 --> 00:07:39,035
[LAUGHTER]
199
00:07:39,071 --> 00:07:41,605
Ali, your name is beautiful.
200
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,941
You know, your parents named you
after the place you were conceived.
201
00:07:44,977 --> 00:07:48,678
[LAUGHTER]
202
00:07:55,186 --> 00:07:58,154
Hey, Tony. Pete Holmes.
203
00:07:58,189 --> 00:08:00,123
Uh, we're roasting each other.
204
00:08:01,499 --> 00:08:02,857
Have you done this before?
205
00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:06,255
I'd rather not talk.
206
00:08:07,472 --> 00:08:08,437
Excuse me?
207
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,863
It's just, anything I
say could be something
208
00:08:10,898 --> 00:08:12,561
that you use against me.
209
00:08:12,929 --> 00:08:15,153
Oh, no, I... I already wrote my jokes.
210
00:08:15,432 --> 00:08:16,958
They're not even that mean.
211
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:18,363
Are... Are yours?
212
00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,769
Serious. Truce, you know,
we can just shoot the breeze.
213
00:08:22,804 --> 00:08:23,970
I... I... I don't...
214
00:08:24,005 --> 00:08:27,139
See? Now I know you say
things like "shoot the breeze,"
215
00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,568
and that you have really soft hands.
216
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:33,892
They're sweaty, too.
217
00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:40,286
JEFF ROSS: You had some great
jokes, some really great jokes,
218
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,713
super hilarious. You got my vote.
219
00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:44,678
- [APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.
220
00:08:45,418 --> 00:08:47,098
BRIAN: Beth Stelling, who do you like?
221
00:08:47,381 --> 00:08:48,552
I pick Ali!
222
00:08:48,587 --> 00:08:50,554
- Ah!
- Ali wins!
223
00:08:50,589 --> 00:08:52,422
- Hug each other!
- Sorry!
224
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:54,832
Sorry!
225
00:08:57,730 --> 00:08:58,829
- LEIF: Peter!
- Hey.
226
00:08:58,864 --> 00:09:00,196
Ah. What? Hi!
227
00:09:00,232 --> 00:09:01,932
Hey, man, sorry we're
late. Did we miss anything?
228
00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:04,535
No. What... What are you doing here?
229
00:09:04,570 --> 00:09:06,269
We came here to support you, brother.
230
00:09:06,304 --> 00:09:07,737
Yeah, Leif saw it on your Instagram.
231
00:09:07,772 --> 00:09:10,773
And, I mean, frankly, I couldn't
imagine you roasting anyone, so...
232
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:13,228
Yeah. Yep.
233
00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,911
You never used to come to my shows,
234
00:09:14,946 --> 00:09:18,281
so it's a little bit... you know,
it's jarring to see you, you know.
235
00:09:18,316 --> 00:09:19,815
I... I'm being supportive.
236
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:22,513
Yeah... you are, thank you.
237
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,667
Thank you both. Why don't we see if the...
238
00:09:24,692 --> 00:09:27,356
- Hey, who's this?
- Hey, man, I'm Leif. This is Jess.
239
00:09:27,391 --> 00:09:29,124
- Hi. Jess.
- Are you competing, too?
240
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,827
Yeah, Pete and I are roasting each
other tonight. Roasting each other.
241
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,985
Oh, boy. Careful though, 'cause he
242
00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:36,231
looks really sweet, but he's not.
243
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:38,833
He practices his roasting
on me all the time.
244
00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:41,103
- TONY: I see.
- And who are you, exactly?
245
00:09:41,138 --> 00:09:43,405
- No.
- No, it's a short, fun, cool story.
246
00:09:43,441 --> 00:09:45,107
I don't really think that's a fun story.
247
00:09:45,142 --> 00:09:46,475
Not for the guy who's roasting me.
248
00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:48,510
Well, he's... We're intertwined souls.
249
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,844
- PETE: No. No. No.
- We were married.
250
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,047
- No!
- Ah! This is the...
251
00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:53,372
- Now we're roommates.
- No!
252
00:09:53,397 --> 00:09:55,116
- Stop that!
- We were. It's not a big deal.
253
00:09:55,151 --> 00:09:57,919
- He's our friend.
- This is worlds colliding, I like my...
254
00:09:57,955 --> 00:10:00,088
One galaxy, though, Peter.
It's the same galaxy.
255
00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:01,890
- Worlds colliding...
- It doesn't matter now.
256
00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:03,992
Why don't we see if there
are seats for you guys?
257
00:10:04,027 --> 00:10:06,127
- Okay, great.
- Good to see you.
258
00:10:06,162 --> 00:10:09,998
Hey, good luck! Good to meet you guys.
259
00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,799
?
260
00:10:15,371 --> 00:10:17,572
Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a schoolboy,
261
00:10:17,607 --> 00:10:20,108
and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled.
262
00:10:20,143 --> 00:10:21,642
[LAUGHTER]
263
00:10:21,677 --> 00:10:24,312
Make it loud for Pete
Holmes and Tony Hinchcliffe!
264
00:10:24,347 --> 00:10:27,482
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
265
00:10:30,219 --> 00:10:32,620
All right, are we ready
to do this, gentlemen?
266
00:10:32,655 --> 00:10:35,489
- Yes.
- Yeah. I, uh, I met Pete before the show.
267
00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:37,758
His hand's so clammy that
he doesn't masturbate,
268
00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,359
he just waterboards his own dick.
269
00:10:39,394 --> 00:10:41,662
[LAUGHTER]
270
00:10:41,697 --> 00:10:43,351
Are... Are we starting?
271
00:10:44,166 --> 00:10:45,265
Yes.
272
00:10:45,608 --> 00:10:47,710
I thought you had to say,
"Let's roast, everybody."
273
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,737
Well, you could be funny
anytime you want, Pete,
274
00:10:50,772 --> 00:10:52,305
there's a microphone in front of you.
275
00:10:52,341 --> 00:10:53,373
[LAUGHTER]
276
00:10:53,408 --> 00:10:55,519
I'd like to... play by the rules.
277
00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:57,611
- Jesus!
- Okay, good... good intro.
278
00:10:57,646 --> 00:10:58,844
Who wants to go first?
279
00:10:58,844 --> 00:11:00,280
Let Pete go first,
280
00:11:00,315 --> 00:11:01,714
he has to get back to being the Muppet
281
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,117
that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street.
282
00:11:04,152 --> 00:11:06,619
[LAUGHTER]
283
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,221
I... I don't mind... I
don't mind going first.
284
00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:16,813
Uh, unlike all the women here,
I don't mind if Tony follows me.
285
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,261
[QUIET LAUGHTER]
286
00:11:20,296 --> 00:11:23,664
Soft jab. Pete, Tony, let's roast!
287
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:27,535
[BELL RINGS] [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
288
00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:31,057
Hey, Tony, um... why
the extremely long face?
289
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,176
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
290
00:11:35,176 --> 00:11:36,340
Is that it?
291
00:11:37,245 --> 00:11:39,277
PETE: Uh, yeah, you look forlorn.
292
00:11:40,882 --> 00:11:44,183
Pete is somehow both
creepy and nonthreatening.
293
00:11:44,218 --> 00:11:47,319
He's like the blond
mustache on a paraplegic man.
294
00:11:47,354 --> 00:11:50,822
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
295
00:11:51,173 --> 00:11:54,409
Tony Hinchcliffe, uh, you
look like Tony Robbins.
296
00:11:54,444 --> 00:11:56,821
And simultaneously someone who desperately
297
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,646
needs the help of Tony Robbins.
298
00:11:58,681 --> 00:12:00,782
[LAUGHTER]
299
00:12:00,817 --> 00:12:01,959
Ah-ha!
300
00:12:02,184 --> 00:12:05,386
Pete looks like if someone
put all of Donald Trump's sons
301
00:12:05,422 --> 00:12:07,587
in the microwave at the same time.
302
00:12:07,623 --> 00:12:09,957
- [LOUD LAUGHTER]
- Yeah!
303
00:12:10,768 --> 00:12:13,409
Tony, uh, Tony looks
like he's hiding the fact
304
00:12:13,479 --> 00:12:15,853
that he got bit by a zombie four hours ago.
305
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:18,750
[LAUGHTER]
306
00:12:18,785 --> 00:12:19,984
[LAUGHS]
307
00:12:20,344 --> 00:12:23,179
Pete's career is a lot
like his ex-wife's pussy.
308
00:12:23,214 --> 00:12:26,971
They're both gonna be opening for
losers for the rest of their lives.
309
00:12:26,971 --> 00:12:28,636
[AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS]
310
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:30,529
Too soon.
311
00:12:30,774 --> 00:12:32,304
[LAUGHS]
312
00:12:32,576 --> 00:12:34,348
What? It's funny.
313
00:12:34,395 --> 00:12:36,122
BRIAN: Pete! Last joke.
314
00:12:37,013 --> 00:12:39,481
Uh, Tony, you're so thin and white,
315
00:12:39,516 --> 00:12:42,549
I'm only standing here to make
sure Artie doesn't snort you.
316
00:12:42,585 --> 00:12:45,486
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
317
00:12:45,521 --> 00:12:46,988
[MOUTHS]
318
00:12:47,023 --> 00:12:49,357
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
319
00:12:49,392 --> 00:12:52,659
?
320
00:12:52,695 --> 00:12:55,596
That was incredible. Judges,
what do we think about this one?
321
00:12:55,631 --> 00:12:59,165
Dude, what the fuck was that?
You were so nice offstage.
322
00:12:59,201 --> 00:13:00,630
ARTIE: Yeah, when did you grow some balls?
323
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,069
BETH: Seriously, look at
him, he looks like a priest.
324
00:13:03,105 --> 00:13:06,540
That makes sense, actually, 'cause
he just fucked this little boy.
325
00:13:06,575 --> 00:13:09,209
[GROANS, LAUGHTER]
326
00:13:09,468 --> 00:13:11,378
Pete, this is your first battle ever?
327
00:13:11,414 --> 00:13:13,380
- Yeah.
- I mean, it was a close one,
328
00:13:13,415 --> 00:13:16,950
but the Tony Robbins joke,
the cocaine thing at the end,
329
00:13:16,985 --> 00:13:19,419
the zombie joke... You killed it, buddy.
330
00:13:19,454 --> 00:13:21,554
Congratulations, you're moving on.
331
00:13:21,589 --> 00:13:23,456
[CHEERING]
332
00:13:23,491 --> 00:13:25,591
His first battle! His first win!
333
00:13:25,627 --> 00:13:27,193
- [CHEERING]
- Pete Holmes!
334
00:13:27,729 --> 00:13:31,674
Pete, you're moving on to
round two to face Ali Reissen!
335
00:13:31,766 --> 00:13:34,834
[CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
336
00:13:36,538 --> 00:13:38,604
I can't believe you beat Tony.
337
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,005
Holy shit!
338
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:42,775
I don't... I didn't... It
didn't feel good. I feel like...
339
00:13:42,811 --> 00:13:44,009
- Hey.
- Hi.
340
00:13:44,045 --> 00:13:45,478
- Hi.
- You did so great.
341
00:13:45,513 --> 00:13:47,079
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
342
00:13:47,114 --> 00:13:48,414
Oh my God!
343
00:13:48,656 --> 00:13:50,408
- That was amazing, what was that?
- [STAMMERS]
344
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,400
I don't know, I... Do
you have Tony's e-mail?
345
00:13:52,593 --> 00:13:54,193
- I don't want to...
- Are you kidding me right now?
346
00:13:54,228 --> 00:13:56,995
You wanna e-mail him?
You won fair and square.
347
00:13:57,031 --> 00:13:58,213
Let him lick his wounds.
348
00:13:58,499 --> 00:14:00,846
Besides, now you get to
go against moi.
349
00:14:00,846 --> 00:14:03,080
- Mm.
- You two are roasting each other?
350
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,447
- Yeah.
- I have nothing.
351
00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:05,548
- Oh my God.
- I have nothing.
352
00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,882
You're fine. What do you
mean you have nothing?
353
00:14:06,918 --> 00:14:09,785
It's gonna be so fun. I
didn't think I'd get this far.
354
00:14:09,821 --> 00:14:13,088
And now, the judges... the
judges are gonna destroy me.
355
00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:15,290
If any of the judges fuck
with you, you just tell
356
00:14:15,326 --> 00:14:17,526
Jeff Ross he looks like
somebody skinned a penis.
357
00:14:17,562 --> 00:14:19,094
- [LAUGHS] That's funny.
- Thank you.
358
00:14:19,129 --> 00:14:21,096
- Can I have that?
- Of course.
359
00:14:21,131 --> 00:14:22,630
- I can have that.
- Absolutely.
360
00:14:22,666 --> 00:14:25,699
- Okay.
- Keep it loose. This is fun, okay?
361
00:14:26,270 --> 00:14:27,802
All right, I have to look over these jokes.
362
00:14:27,838 --> 00:14:29,680
What are you... Is that for me?
363
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,369
Mm, maybe.
364
00:14:31,394 --> 00:14:33,233
You still kiss your mom on the lips, right?
365
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:36,563
- Don't...
- That's kind of what I'm working with.
366
00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,914
- It's gonna be good. See you later. Bye.
- Bye.
367
00:14:39,950 --> 00:14:41,015
Bye.
368
00:14:42,018 --> 00:14:44,586
Uh, she seems pretty pumped.
369
00:14:44,621 --> 00:14:46,556
I hope you actually have jokes.
370
00:14:46,556 --> 00:14:47,622
I got nothing.
371
00:14:47,657 --> 00:14:49,156
I don't know if I can do this.
372
00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:50,191
- Why?
- Why?
373
00:14:50,226 --> 00:14:52,459
'Cause she's my... you...
That's my girlfriend.
374
00:14:52,494 --> 00:14:54,461
I don't want to roast my girlfriend.
375
00:14:54,532 --> 00:14:57,533
If you say something mean to her,
you're treating her like an equal.
376
00:14:57,568 --> 00:15:00,208
That's... that's what you're
supposed to do. She's a peer.
377
00:15:00,279 --> 00:15:02,154
I'm protective of my peer.
378
00:15:02,155 --> 00:15:05,623
I want her to be good, and
safe, and whole, and complete,
379
00:15:05,657 --> 00:15:09,348
not called... some ugly bitch.
380
00:15:09,423 --> 00:15:10,438
I got nothing.
381
00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:13,763
If you really love her,
then you gotta get up there,
382
00:15:13,799 --> 00:15:15,243
and you shit all over her.
383
00:15:17,223 --> 00:15:18,255
Oh, boy.
384
00:15:18,604 --> 00:15:19,870
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
385
00:15:19,905 --> 00:15:22,672
BRIAN: Yes! I love this show!
386
00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:24,524
- Hey.
- Hi.
387
00:15:24,943 --> 00:15:26,612
BRIAN: I love hatred.
388
00:15:26,811 --> 00:15:28,299
[CHEERING]
389
00:15:28,353 --> 00:15:29,412
Love this show.
390
00:15:29,447 --> 00:15:31,568
I just want to say, you know, have fun.
391
00:15:32,117 --> 00:15:35,264
And, um, my middle name is Benedict.
392
00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:38,754
I don't know if you knew,
but that might be something.
393
00:15:38,789 --> 00:15:41,080
Nah, I don't need help. I have plenty.
394
00:15:44,228 --> 00:15:46,294
BRIAN: I'm excited for this next battle,
395
00:15:46,330 --> 00:15:48,697
because these two comics are dating.
396
00:15:49,090 --> 00:15:50,966
I didn't know that, did you?
397
00:15:51,002 --> 00:15:52,043
I didn't.
398
00:15:52,904 --> 00:15:55,571
Who's ready to see a live domestic dispute?
399
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:56,805
[CHEERING]
400
00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:58,340
Who wants to see a bloodbath?
401
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,442
- [CHEERING]
- Let's bring 'em out!
402
00:16:00,477 --> 00:16:02,430
Pete Holmes! Ali Reissen!
403
00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:04,807
Woo! Roast! Roast!
404
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,882
AUDIENCE: Roast! Roast!
Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast!
405
00:16:07,918 --> 00:16:10,852
- Yes!
- Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast!
406
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,354
Roast! Roast! Roast!
407
00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:14,124
- Let's roast!
- [BELL DINGS]
408
00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:16,724
[CHEERING]
409
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,793
Guys, it's so good to be here. Um...
410
00:16:18,828 --> 00:16:20,028
Ooh, boy. [CHUCKLES]
411
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:21,962
Well, obviously you can see that Pete
412
00:16:21,997 --> 00:16:24,247
looks like a sweet golden retriever.
413
00:16:25,034 --> 00:16:26,600
He's also like that in the bedroom.
414
00:16:26,635 --> 00:16:28,869
- [LAUGHTER, GROANS]
- It's true, he is.
415
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,456
When he goes down on me, he slobbers
416
00:16:30,481 --> 00:16:32,138
so much that the only way I can come
417
00:16:32,174 --> 00:16:34,007
is if I'm, like, "Babe,
go fetch my vibrator."
418
00:16:35,166 --> 00:16:37,611
- JEFF: Brutal! Brutal!
- Oh, my God.
419
00:16:37,645 --> 00:16:39,145
You should get laid, babe.
420
00:16:39,181 --> 00:16:42,115
Oh, Jeff, you look like
somebody skinned a penis.
421
00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:44,517
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
422
00:16:44,553 --> 00:16:47,187
Oh, also, um, Pete sits down to pee.
423
00:16:47,579 --> 00:16:50,088
It's fine. No, yeah, you
do. It's not even a joke.
424
00:16:50,089 --> 00:16:53,382
I think he sits down 'cause it's
easier to put the tampons in that way.
425
00:16:53,418 --> 00:16:55,644
- [AUDIENCE GROANS]
- [LAUGHS]
426
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,488
I'm sorry, I feel like we
need a safe word or something.
427
00:16:59,523 --> 00:17:00,622
No, no, no. You're right. You're right.
428
00:17:00,658 --> 00:17:03,731
Um, the safe word should be
"stop being a fucking pussy."
429
00:17:04,228 --> 00:17:06,511
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
430
00:17:07,065 --> 00:17:08,794
JEFF: Come on, one joke at a time.
431
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:10,293
The rules. Pete goes.
432
00:17:10,575 --> 00:17:12,397
Uh... um,
433
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,932
I'm not the first comedian
that Ali has been with.
434
00:17:15,362 --> 00:17:17,336
Uh, in fact, her list of former lovers
435
00:17:17,361 --> 00:17:19,489
reads like an open mike sign-up sheet.
436
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,873
[LAUGHTER]
437
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,509
- JEFF: Sign me up!
- Which makes sense,
438
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,310
'cause the only thing
you need to get on her
439
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,945
is to buy her two drinks.
440
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,379
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
441
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:31,815
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Two drink
minimum! Two drink minimum!
442
00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:33,584
Two-drink minimum!
443
00:17:34,225 --> 00:17:36,921
Pete is a Christian comic, obviously.
444
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,957
Um... And, you know, he really
abides by the commandment
445
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,414
when he's on stage, "Thou shalt not kill."
446
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,694
[LAUGHTER]
447
00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:47,197
News flash, Pete: Jesus isn't coming back,
448
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,032
and neither is your wife.
449
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,268
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
450
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:54,304
That's right. They both got
nailed and are in a better place.
451
00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:57,307
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
452
00:18:01,913 --> 00:18:05,233
[MUFFLED VOICES]
453
00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:10,219
MAN [MUFFLED]: Pete, go. Pete, go. Come on!
454
00:18:10,254 --> 00:18:12,722
[VOICES MURMURING]
455
00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:15,416
Uh...
456
00:18:15,794 --> 00:18:16,992
Wow.
457
00:18:22,464 --> 00:18:24,430
Ali, uh, it's hard to make fun of you
458
00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:26,656
because you already have body dysmorphia,
459
00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:29,446
which means, Artie, that
she thinks she's fat.
460
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:33,495
I always have to reassure her,
"Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid."
461
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,694
[LAUGHTER, GROANS]
462
00:18:36,729 --> 00:18:39,596
- Wow.
- Pete has a lot of moles on his face.
463
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,599
A lot of moles, but they're not cancerous,
464
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:44,582
they're completely
benign, just like his act.
465
00:18:44,737 --> 00:18:47,190
[LAUGHTER]
466
00:18:47,674 --> 00:18:49,107
She thinks she has cellulite.
467
00:18:49,326 --> 00:18:53,172
I always reassure her, that's not
cellulite, that's acne scarring.
468
00:18:53,479 --> 00:18:55,579
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
469
00:18:55,615 --> 00:18:58,716
Well, I mean, it's true I thought
about having plastic surgery,
470
00:18:58,751 --> 00:19:01,819
but I don't really think
there's a need for, like, Botox,
471
00:19:01,854 --> 00:19:04,955
because, um, the poison that
I put in my body is Pete.
472
00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:06,756
- [AUDIENCE GROANS]
- Hey-oh!
473
00:19:06,792 --> 00:19:08,926
PETE: Ali, I'm so happy
to see you finally acting
474
00:19:08,961 --> 00:19:12,160
like your vagina onstage,
so comfortable and loose.
475
00:19:12,631 --> 00:19:14,935
[GROANING]
476
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:16,366
Pete, your ex-wife called.
477
00:19:16,401 --> 00:19:18,668
She said she's really
sorry about cheating on you.
478
00:19:18,704 --> 00:19:20,070
At least I think that's what she said.
479
00:19:20,105 --> 00:19:23,206
I couldn't hear her 'cause she had
so much cock in her mouth, so...
480
00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:25,854
[GROANS, APPLAUSE]
481
00:19:26,277 --> 00:19:28,493
BRIAN: Last joke of the battle.
482
00:19:29,139 --> 00:19:31,222
Ali, you did great tonight. You did really,
483
00:19:31,247 --> 00:19:32,974
really great, really, really funny.
484
00:19:33,009 --> 00:19:35,467
Eh, not really. I haven't
seen someone choke this hard
485
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,335
since I sucked on your nipple hair.
486
00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:40,135
[GROANS, APPLAUSE]
487
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,602
Ali's, uh, right nipple is so hairy...
488
00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:45,973
AUDIENCE: How hairy is it?
489
00:19:46,008 --> 00:19:48,968
She named the left one
"And the Hendersons."
490
00:19:49,111 --> 00:19:52,579
[LAUGHING]
491
00:19:52,614 --> 00:19:54,381
[CHEERING]
492
00:19:54,416 --> 00:19:55,649
[LAUGHS]
493
00:19:55,684 --> 00:19:58,284
Ho-ho-ho!
Wow, you two!
494
00:19:58,749 --> 00:20:01,104
- Really! Woo!
- [APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
495
00:20:01,104 --> 00:20:02,403
[ALI LAUGHS]
496
00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:04,673
What do we think about that one? Beth?
497
00:20:04,708 --> 00:20:06,341
Wow, Pete, you were like Jesus.
498
00:20:06,377 --> 00:20:08,877
You died, and then three
jokes later, rose again.
499
00:20:08,912 --> 00:20:10,345
- [LAUGHS]
- [APPLAUSE]
500
00:20:10,381 --> 00:20:12,080
Artie Lange, who do you like?
501
00:20:12,115 --> 00:20:15,149
ARTIE: Uh, I... I don't
know. I... I like Pete,
502
00:20:15,185 --> 00:20:17,894
uh, but I don't want him
back on my fucking couch,
503
00:20:17,952 --> 00:20:20,454
to tell you the truth,
uh, so it's a dilemma.
504
00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:22,661
- I gotta give it to Ali.
- [APPLAUSE, CHEERS]
505
00:20:23,457 --> 00:20:25,490
BRIAN: Tied up, Jeff. Who do
you wanna see win this thing?
506
00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:28,327
Well, first of all, this was the
best battle of the night for me,
507
00:20:28,362 --> 00:20:30,537
so give it up for these two, you killed it.
508
00:20:30,537 --> 00:20:32,237
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
509
00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:33,550
Vicious.
510
00:20:35,112 --> 00:20:38,247
Ali, you had some killers
that got super personal,
511
00:20:38,282 --> 00:20:41,451
but, Pete, you really went
for the jugular today, and, uh,
512
00:20:41,486 --> 00:20:43,853
I'm proud of you, buddy. You got my vote.
513
00:20:43,888 --> 00:20:46,333
- Pete Holmes is the winner!
- [BELL DINGS]
514
00:20:46,891 --> 00:20:49,285
[CHEERING]
515
00:20:52,629 --> 00:20:54,830
?
516
00:20:54,866 --> 00:20:57,632
Pete's gonna face Mike
Lawrence in the finals!
517
00:20:57,668 --> 00:20:59,355
[CHEERING]
518
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:00,527
Yeah!
519
00:21:03,543 --> 00:21:05,240
Hey, whoa. Congrats, Pete.
520
00:21:05,275 --> 00:21:07,008
Yeah, that was so
awesome, man, cold-blooded.
521
00:21:07,043 --> 00:21:09,689
Thanks. Excuse... I'm
sorry, I have to find Ali.
522
00:21:09,714 --> 00:21:11,051
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
523
00:21:15,519 --> 00:21:17,919
[CHATTERING]
524
00:21:20,123 --> 00:21:23,022
Hi! You were incredible.
525
00:21:24,422 --> 00:21:25,722
That was incredible!
526
00:21:25,758 --> 00:21:27,590
Oh my God. The back and the forth.
527
00:21:27,626 --> 00:21:29,577
Phew! It was like rough sex.
528
00:21:29,828 --> 00:21:31,831
- I... Yeah...
- In a good way.
529
00:21:32,197 --> 00:21:35,028
You... are sexy when you're mean.
530
00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:38,952
- Al...
- What?
531
00:21:39,638 --> 00:21:43,373
You just... you just used a
lot of stuff that I told you,
532
00:21:43,408 --> 00:21:46,576
private stuff, in confidence,
against me. You just...
533
00:21:46,611 --> 00:21:48,244
- Pete...
- You totally sold me out.
534
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,946
You did the same thing to
me, it's a roast battle.
535
00:21:50,982 --> 00:21:53,621
I did it to you because you
did it to me. I was just...
536
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,551
What is this? I know
you are, but what am I?
537
00:21:55,586 --> 00:21:57,345
What are you talking about?
538
00:21:57,922 --> 00:21:59,088
I didn't...
539
00:21:59,123 --> 00:22:02,435
It didn't feel the same,
I was... retaliating.
540
00:22:03,795 --> 00:22:05,795
- Um...
- I followed your lead, you know?
541
00:22:05,830 --> 00:22:08,530
I wasn't... I didn't
even write most of that.
542
00:22:08,566 --> 00:22:12,434
I'm just scrambling to think
of mean shit to say to keep up.
543
00:22:13,904 --> 00:22:16,838
That's even worse. Then you were
just speaking from the heart.
544
00:22:16,873 --> 00:22:18,323
- I just...
- [SCOFFS]
545
00:22:20,611 --> 00:22:22,578
I didn't want to throw you under the bus.
546
00:22:22,613 --> 00:22:24,545
- I don't care! I'm fine!
- I didn't want you...
547
00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:26,614
I didn't want you to
throw me under the bus.
548
00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:30,051
I thought we had different
rules than Damien Lemon.
549
00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:33,154
- I... I thought...
- What kind of comedian can't take a joke?
550
00:22:33,516 --> 00:22:35,023
Are you even a comedian?
551
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:40,586
Fuck... you. That's what
you say to me right now?
552
00:22:40,621 --> 00:22:43,391
- No...
- I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe.
553
00:22:43,391 --> 00:22:45,725
- No!
- We have an alliance!
554
00:22:45,761 --> 00:22:48,662
- And you just...
- Not when we're onstage, performing!
555
00:22:48,697 --> 00:22:50,730
What, do you want me to go up and be, like,
556
00:22:50,766 --> 00:22:52,699
- Okay.
- "Oh, Pete's a great guy!"
557
00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:55,034
No laughs, like, that doesn't make sense!
558
00:22:55,070 --> 00:22:56,492
I don't think you had to say that my
559
00:22:56,516 --> 00:22:58,070
wife had cock in her mouth or that...
560
00:22:58,106 --> 00:22:59,638
- She did!
- Yeah.
561
00:22:59,674 --> 00:23:01,001
It's funny!
562
00:23:04,346 --> 00:23:07,513
I don't know how I walk away from
that and just forget that you said it.
563
00:23:07,548 --> 00:23:10,049
I'm just gonna delete the memory of that?
564
00:23:10,085 --> 00:23:12,818
- You want to go to dinner tomorrow...
- God, this is so exhausting! Yes!
565
00:23:12,854 --> 00:23:15,053
...and just act like you didn't say that shit?
566
00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:17,022
- Yes!
- That you want my moles...
567
00:23:17,057 --> 00:23:20,593
What, do you think I'm sitting
here obsessing about my cellulite?
568
00:23:20,938 --> 00:23:23,128
- That was...
- I mean, get over yourself.
569
00:23:23,624 --> 00:23:26,732
- Great.
- You're just as selfish,
570
00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:28,802
and fucked up, and mean,
571
00:23:29,305 --> 00:23:31,031
as everybody around you.
572
00:23:31,338 --> 00:23:34,206
They just have the balls to say
that they have those qualities,
573
00:23:34,241 --> 00:23:37,809
while you act like you're
better than everybody!
574
00:23:39,046 --> 00:23:42,580
You're afraid of God, so
you hide your feelings.
575
00:23:44,784 --> 00:23:47,318
?
576
00:23:50,718 --> 00:23:54,386
I don't... want to date.
577
00:23:55,795 --> 00:23:57,595
?
578
00:23:59,265 --> 00:24:00,550
I'm sorry.
579
00:24:04,970 --> 00:24:07,283
- I just...
- This is good. No, this is good.
580
00:24:08,741 --> 00:24:10,274
How is that good? I...
581
00:24:10,645 --> 00:24:12,416
Because I don't want to be with someone
582
00:24:12,441 --> 00:24:14,083
who doesn't fucking know who they are.
583
00:24:16,049 --> 00:24:17,829
Pete, they're ready for you.
584
00:24:23,789 --> 00:24:26,857
I... I'm with... I'm against Mike Lawrence,
585
00:24:26,892 --> 00:24:30,240
- I have to...
- Oh, yeah. Go be nice.
586
00:24:38,034 --> 00:24:41,369
Pete is the first person
to have stepdad bod.
587
00:24:41,394 --> 00:24:43,594
Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult.
588
00:24:43,741 --> 00:24:45,875
The only difference
between you and white bread,
589
00:24:45,910 --> 00:24:48,313
is that white bread has less carbs.
590
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:50,780
[LAUGHTER]
591
00:24:50,815 --> 00:24:53,449
He looks like he was kicked
out of the Mormon Church
592
00:24:53,484 --> 00:24:55,017
for not being cool enough.
593
00:24:55,053 --> 00:24:57,720
[LAUGHTER]
594
00:25:00,424 --> 00:25:04,193
The only adventure Pete's ever
been on was trying Chipotle.
595
00:25:04,228 --> 00:25:06,128
[LAUGHTER]
596
00:25:09,866 --> 00:25:12,468
Your comedy is like conversion therapy.
597
00:25:12,503 --> 00:25:14,269
It's not working for you.
598
00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:16,972
[LAUGHTER]
599
00:25:24,615 --> 00:25:28,149
?
600
00:25:48,671 --> 00:25:51,539
?
601
00:26:10,626 --> 00:26:13,460
?
602
00:26:26,607 --> 00:26:28,240
MAN: Okay, Pete.
I'm just going to do
603
00:26:28,276 --> 00:26:30,576
a quick assessment of the vehicle
before I give you the keys.
604
00:26:30,611 --> 00:26:32,678
I would highly recommend
getting second-party insurance
605
00:26:32,713 --> 00:26:35,898
in the event that you have an
incident with another vehicle.
606
00:26:39,286 --> 00:26:40,843
- So...?
- Yeah.
607
00:26:41,645 --> 00:26:43,100
Whatever you recommend.
608
00:26:44,958 --> 00:26:48,060
?
609
00:26:54,168 --> 00:26:56,701
[CHATTERING]
610
00:27:04,344 --> 00:27:06,770
Excuse me? Excuse me.
611
00:27:07,020 --> 00:27:09,288
Hi. Um, I'm a little turned around.
612
00:27:09,511 --> 00:27:12,047
I'm looking for, uh... Bundt?
613
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,046
Bundt Cafeteria?
614
00:27:14,418 --> 00:27:15,868
It's up the hill, to the left.
615
00:27:16,940 --> 00:27:18,006
Thanks.
616
00:27:19,342 --> 00:27:21,275
I'm competing with steamed vegetables.
617
00:27:21,310 --> 00:27:24,646
Serving up hot and fresh
jokes, uh, and also broccoli.
618
00:27:24,681 --> 00:27:26,781
- [LAUGHTER]
- There's also broccoli here today.
619
00:27:26,816 --> 00:27:28,549
It's kind of weird, I...
I don't have any kids,
620
00:27:28,584 --> 00:27:30,736
but doesn't it kind of feel like I do?
621
00:27:31,435 --> 00:27:35,235
Like, don't I kind of feel already
like a dorky... like a dorky dad?
622
00:27:35,558 --> 00:27:37,491
Just like a fun dad at a barbecue?
623
00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:40,794
Just like... [LAUGHS GOOFILY] Fresca.
624
00:27:40,829 --> 00:27:43,630
- [LAUGHTER]
- Throwing Frescas to children.
625
00:27:43,666 --> 00:27:45,632
I'm kind of intimidated.
You guys are younger than me,
626
00:27:45,668 --> 00:27:47,935
but you have... Some of you have beards.
627
00:27:47,970 --> 00:27:49,335
I can't... I can't grow a beard.
628
00:27:49,371 --> 00:27:51,205
I haven't shaved in weeks.
629
00:27:51,540 --> 00:27:54,282
That's real. This is...
This is what happens.
630
00:27:54,335 --> 00:27:55,408
Nothing.
631
00:27:55,444 --> 00:27:57,243
- [LAUGHTER]
- Which isn't really a problem,
632
00:27:57,273 --> 00:27:59,303
unless, sometimes I think, what happens
633
00:27:59,328 --> 00:28:01,281
if I'm stranded on a desert island,
634
00:28:01,316 --> 00:28:03,450
and I have to live there
for, like, six years...
635
00:28:03,485 --> 00:28:05,562
It's been an hour, you can stop whenever.
636
00:28:05,724 --> 00:28:07,119
Okay. Thank you.
637
00:28:08,626 --> 00:28:10,457
Uh, I'll do a little bit more.
638
00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:12,445
If, uh, if that's okay.
639
00:28:13,625 --> 00:28:14,627
Uh...
640
00:28:16,331 --> 00:28:18,430
You know, if if I'm on a
deserted island for six years,
641
00:28:18,466 --> 00:28:20,766
the rescue chopper's gonna
come, I'm gonna come out
642
00:28:20,802 --> 00:28:23,068
baby-faced, loincloth.
643
00:28:23,471 --> 00:28:25,705
I look like a guy who's
been there 15 minutes.
644
00:28:25,740 --> 00:28:27,673
[LAUGHTER]
645
00:28:28,722 --> 00:28:30,637
Just couldn't wait to wear a loincloth.
646
00:28:31,406 --> 00:28:33,873
[LAUGHTER]
647
00:28:36,425 --> 00:28:37,691
Rescue me!
648
00:28:37,726 --> 00:28:38,792
[LAUGHTER]
649
00:28:38,827 --> 00:28:41,562
? Well, it's all right ?
650
00:28:41,597 --> 00:28:43,530
? Riding around in the breeze ?
651
00:28:43,566 --> 00:28:47,067
? Well, it's all right ?
652
00:28:47,102 --> 00:28:49,203
? If you live the life you please ?
653
00:28:49,238 --> 00:28:53,005
? Well, it's all right ?
654
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,973
? Doing the best you can ?
655
00:28:55,009 --> 00:28:58,611
? Well, it's all right ?
656
00:28:58,646 --> 00:29:01,214
? As long as you lend a hand ?
657
00:29:03,251 --> 00:29:06,852
? You can sit around and
wait for the phone to ring ?
658
00:29:06,887 --> 00:29:09,087
? At the end of the line ?
659
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:12,557
? Waiting for someone
to tell you everything ?
660
00:29:12,593 --> 00:29:14,226
? At the end of the line ?
661
00:29:14,261 --> 00:29:18,363
? Sit around and wonder
what tomorrow will bring ?
662
00:29:18,398 --> 00:29:19,797
? At the end of the line ?
663
00:29:19,833 --> 00:29:22,467
? Maybe a diamond ring ?
664
00:29:22,502 --> 00:29:25,836
? Well, it's all right ?
665
00:29:25,871 --> 00:29:27,838
? Even if the sun don't shine ?
666
00:29:27,873 --> 00:29:31,575
? Well, it's all right ?
667
00:29:31,611 --> 00:29:33,277
? We're going to the end of the line ?
668
00:29:33,327 --> 00:29:37,877
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