All language subtitles for Crashing s02e06 Artie.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,492 --> 00:00:01,759 This is actually the first 2 00:00:01,893 --> 00:00:04,295 sit-down meal that I've had since I moved to New York. 3 00:00:04,362 --> 00:00:06,627 Moved is a strong word. Shouldn't you move into a place 4 00:00:06,652 --> 00:00:08,038 before you use the word move? 5 00:00:08,062 --> 00:00:09,611 _ 6 00:00:09,612 --> 00:00:10,893 Artie's like one of those old 7 00:00:10,893 --> 00:00:12,737 country songs. He goes out for a pack of cigarettes and 8 00:00:12,737 --> 00:00:13,775 doesn't come back. 9 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,191 I know what you're saying but 10 00:00:15,235 --> 00:00:16,538 - he's doing better. - I'm telling you right now 11 00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:17,696 he's halfway to Atlantic City. 12 00:00:17,721 --> 00:00:18,742 Still trying to...? 13 00:00:19,016 --> 00:00:20,683 - Yes. Yeah. - Make a tape? 14 00:00:20,751 --> 00:00:24,203 Do you want to come with me to my show? Going to Rififi. 15 00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:25,956 You think they'll let me up or? 16 00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:27,030 Nope. 17 00:00:27,055 --> 00:00:28,704 Ali Reissen, everybody. 18 00:00:28,748 --> 00:00:32,550 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [SCREAMING, LAUGHING] 19 00:00:32,618 --> 00:00:34,669 I've created a monster. [LAUGHTER] 20 00:00:35,088 --> 00:00:37,305 That's Caribbean week. It's my favourite. 21 00:00:37,399 --> 00:00:39,600 Of course you have a favourite. 22 00:00:41,804 --> 00:00:44,949 [TEXT ON SCREEN] 23 00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:49,623 There's eight fries left. You can have 'em, I'm done. 24 00:00:49,659 --> 00:00:51,559 I'm only supposed to have, like, three carbs a day. 25 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,660 - Really? How's that working out? - Not working out at all. 26 00:00:53,695 --> 00:00:55,694 It looks like the fourth squeezes in there sometimes. 27 00:00:55,718 --> 00:00:56,638 [BOTH LAUGHING] 28 00:00:56,663 --> 00:00:58,370 It bugs me that you're skinnier than me. 29 00:00:58,370 --> 00:01:00,172 You were always my fat... 30 00:01:01,036 --> 00:01:03,217 Hey. How's it goin'? 31 00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:05,310 Just sat right down there, didn't you? 32 00:01:06,711 --> 00:01:08,878 Is... Is somebody sitting here? 33 00:01:08,914 --> 00:01:11,513 No, dude, this is the comics' table, all right? 34 00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,873 But I sit with you all the time at the other club. 35 00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:16,414 Yeah, but this is the Cellar. The Cellar, it's different. 36 00:01:16,592 --> 00:01:18,032 This is like The Tonight Show. 37 00:01:18,032 --> 00:01:20,360 It's like being called to walk over to the couch. 38 00:01:20,395 --> 00:01:21,628 ARTIE: These kids don't fucking know. 39 00:01:21,663 --> 00:01:23,463 No, they don't know. They don't get it. 40 00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:25,232 - ARTIE: They don't get it. - Back in my day, this table... 41 00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:28,193 - Patrice, Giraldo, Burr, real ballbusters. - ARTIE: Right, right. 42 00:01:28,193 --> 00:01:29,893 I was scared shitless to sit at this table. 43 00:01:29,929 --> 00:01:32,996 This guy just sits down like a friggin' Sesame Street character. 44 00:01:33,032 --> 00:01:34,264 [LAUGHS] 45 00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:37,000 That shirt stinks. Can we just talk about the shirt for a second? 46 00:01:37,036 --> 00:01:38,597 Geez, did the guy who molests you 47 00:01:38,622 --> 00:01:40,037 leave it on your nightstand last night? 48 00:01:40,072 --> 00:01:42,906 - [BOBBY AND ARTIE LAUGH] - I didn't know, I'm... I'm sorry. 49 00:01:42,942 --> 00:01:44,640 That's the problem. See, this is it right here. 50 00:01:44,675 --> 00:01:46,575 These guys can't take it. They give it, they can't take it. 51 00:01:46,610 --> 00:01:49,211 - ARTIE: He's all upset. - All of a sudden, he's all being serious. 52 00:01:49,247 --> 00:01:50,879 - Gentlemen? - Artie: Wayne-o! 53 00:01:50,915 --> 00:01:51,981 BOBBY: Hey, what's up, Federman? 54 00:01:52,016 --> 00:01:53,515 Hey, Pete, get the fuck up. 55 00:01:53,551 --> 00:01:55,418 - Yeah. - He's on the lineup. Beat it. 56 00:01:55,754 --> 00:01:59,677 You know, I will get up, out of respect. Larry Sanders. 57 00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:01,544 Step Brothers. 58 00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:02,940 Absolutely correct. 59 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,954 I didn't know that was a benefit? 60 00:02:06,118 --> 00:02:07,410 - He knows my credits. - Nice. 61 00:02:07,410 --> 00:02:08,885 Yeah, there had to be one. 62 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,102 Could I get a sink water, please? 63 00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,343 - BOBBY [LAUGHING]: Guys... - [INDISTINCT] 64 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,976 she walks into is as dumb as mud. 65 00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:18,710 I'm actually starting my own table. 66 00:02:18,745 --> 00:02:21,746 You have to have no credits or respect to sit here. 67 00:02:21,782 --> 00:02:23,715 - [LAUGHING] - How's that shirt, Bob Vila? 68 00:02:23,750 --> 00:02:25,350 You look like you're gonna build a table. 69 00:02:25,386 --> 00:02:27,452 - What's your name again? - My name... 70 00:02:27,487 --> 00:02:30,063 Nobody cares. Shut up. 71 00:02:30,391 --> 00:02:32,424 Oh, God. Where did you get this kid? 72 00:02:32,459 --> 00:02:34,730 - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I have a book out. 73 00:02:34,755 --> 00:02:37,956 It's a Hollywood memoir. It's called I'll Take That as a No. 74 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,591 [LAUGHTER] 75 00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:43,262 And it's being released, direct to PDF, straight to PDF. 76 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,219 - [LAUGHTER] - So check that one out. 77 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,966 [PIANO PLAYING JAZZY MELODY] 78 00:02:47,990 --> 00:02:50,622 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 79 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,695 Hey. Hey. 80 00:02:57,038 --> 00:02:58,036 Wings? 81 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:00,319 What? 82 00:03:01,132 --> 00:03:03,132 - Would you like some wings? - I... 83 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,530 This is way too much for me, this is like, 84 00:03:05,565 --> 00:03:07,851 for a family of four, from the Midwest. 85 00:03:08,401 --> 00:03:11,100 - I... I would love some wi... I can...? - Come on over. 86 00:03:11,136 --> 00:03:13,136 Yeah, come on over, the bullies are gone. 87 00:03:13,172 --> 00:03:15,038 - [PETE LAUGHS] - You are totally safe. 88 00:03:15,073 --> 00:03:17,420 - I... I'm honored. - It's Pete, right? 89 00:03:18,326 --> 00:03:19,625 - Yes, Pete. - Yeah. 90 00:03:19,660 --> 00:03:21,227 - Wayne. - Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. 91 00:03:21,262 --> 00:03:22,828 Nice to meet you. Just grab something there. 92 00:03:22,863 --> 00:03:25,884 - Thank you, I will. - Oh! The drumstick, that's, uh, bold. 93 00:03:26,138 --> 00:03:27,102 Should I not...? 94 00:03:27,102 --> 00:03:29,366 No, you should totally take the best thing on there. 95 00:03:29,403 --> 00:03:31,602 - Is this... - I'm kidding! Eat! 96 00:03:31,638 --> 00:03:33,187 - Thank you very much. - Yeah. 97 00:03:38,978 --> 00:03:41,523 I really am a huge fan... of yours. 98 00:03:42,549 --> 00:03:43,680 Well, thanks. 99 00:03:43,715 --> 00:03:46,261 You're... you're in one of my favorite scenes in Curb. 100 00:03:46,519 --> 00:03:48,305 - Uh-huh. - Legally Blonde. 101 00:03:48,554 --> 00:03:51,455 [LAUGHS] You know, I made a career out of being in one scene 102 00:03:51,490 --> 00:03:54,250 in a movie, and then never seeing me again. 103 00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:56,593 I guess you're right, right? 104 00:03:56,628 --> 00:03:59,019 Yeah, one scene and out. I call it the Federman in and out. 105 00:03:59,019 --> 00:04:01,185 - I think you could be in lots of scenes. - Well... 106 00:04:01,221 --> 00:04:02,887 In fact, I get connected to your character. 107 00:04:02,922 --> 00:04:05,289 I see your character and I go, "What's that guy's story?" 108 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:06,936 I appreciate that. 109 00:04:07,784 --> 00:04:09,727 So, uh, are you going up tonight? 110 00:04:09,763 --> 00:04:11,195 Well, not here, obviously. 111 00:04:11,231 --> 00:04:13,131 - But, um, I get up... - You do? 112 00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:15,434 - I do the alt scene a little bit. - Right. 113 00:04:16,147 --> 00:04:17,946 I'm trying to get into the college market. 114 00:04:17,981 --> 00:04:20,582 - Mm-hmm. - I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA. 115 00:04:20,617 --> 00:04:22,384 - I don't know if... - They still have NACA? 116 00:04:22,419 --> 00:04:24,548 - They still have NACA. - NACA changed my life. 117 00:04:24,888 --> 00:04:26,621 Changed my life. 118 00:04:26,656 --> 00:04:30,259 I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan. 119 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,827 But here's the crazy thing, more important to me was, 120 00:04:32,862 --> 00:04:35,963 I wrote on my tax forms, "comedian." 121 00:04:37,755 --> 00:04:39,160 - Is that crazy? - No! 122 00:04:39,161 --> 00:04:40,224 It was so important to me. 123 00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:41,939 That's... that's everything. That's all I want... 124 00:04:41,964 --> 00:04:43,478 I haven't had a real job since. 125 00:04:43,506 --> 00:04:44,939 That's what NACA did for me. 126 00:04:45,193 --> 00:04:47,007 - Wow. - And how about this? As a bonus, 127 00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:49,477 you take the rest of these. I'm gonna go. 128 00:04:49,512 --> 00:04:50,978 - Oh. - But so nice meeting you. 129 00:04:51,013 --> 00:04:51,778 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 130 00:04:51,813 --> 00:04:53,547 - Nice to meet you. - Ah. Maybe the... 131 00:04:53,582 --> 00:04:55,648 - Right, yeah. - There's a little... Yeah. 132 00:04:55,684 --> 00:04:58,185 I'm sure I'll see you, though, I mean, like, I pop in here 133 00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:00,019 a couple times a week, so... I'll see you again? 134 00:05:00,156 --> 00:05:03,380 Yeah, I'm actually... Well, I'm taking a break. 135 00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:05,890 I have Hodgkin's, 136 00:05:06,351 --> 00:05:07,594 - so... - What? 137 00:05:07,629 --> 00:05:08,760 - Yeah. - Oh my God. 138 00:05:08,796 --> 00:05:10,862 Don't worry, don't panic, it's totally treatable. 139 00:05:10,898 --> 00:05:12,531 It's just, I can't afford the treatments. 140 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,007 I can't afford the bills, it's, like, a whole thing. 141 00:05:15,685 --> 00:05:16,637 Wow. 142 00:05:16,662 --> 00:05:19,271 Yeah, so I'm just gonna move... back in with my parents, 143 00:05:19,307 --> 00:05:21,073 gonna try to squirrel away some money. 144 00:05:21,109 --> 00:05:23,442 I'm so sorry. I... I hope it works out for you. 145 00:05:23,478 --> 00:05:25,552 It'll work out. Nice meeting you, Pete. 146 00:05:25,552 --> 00:05:28,086 - Enjoy those wings. - Thank you. 147 00:05:29,723 --> 00:05:30,886 Be well. 148 00:05:34,264 --> 00:05:36,294 - [CAMERA CLICKS] - Hey! We got it, buddy. 149 00:05:36,330 --> 00:05:38,196 All right. Do me a favor, tag me on that, 150 00:05:38,232 --> 00:05:40,703 so people know I'm alive. [LAUGHS] 151 00:05:42,268 --> 00:05:46,170 Artie. Geez, man. Did you know about Wayne? 152 00:05:46,690 --> 00:05:48,231 What? He try to touch your leg? 153 00:05:48,707 --> 00:05:49,907 - I... No. - What? 154 00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:53,282 He's sick. He's... and he's, like, he can't afford... 155 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,758 - His insurance is fucking him, and... - Yeah, well... 156 00:05:55,783 --> 00:05:58,180 He doesn't have money to pay for his medical care. 157 00:05:58,216 --> 00:06:00,816 I feel bad, too, man. But what do you mean he's got no money? 158 00:06:00,851 --> 00:06:03,116 None of us have any money. Look at us, what are we doing here? 159 00:06:03,351 --> 00:06:04,783 It breaks my heart. 160 00:06:04,819 --> 00:06:07,886 - Yeah, well. - A guy that's been working for so long, 161 00:06:07,921 --> 00:06:10,356 and he can't even afford to pay for his treatment? 162 00:06:10,391 --> 00:06:12,190 I mean, we gotta help him. 163 00:06:12,226 --> 00:06:14,226 You wanna help? You got any bone marrow lying around? 164 00:06:14,261 --> 00:06:15,479 Because that's what he needs. 165 00:06:15,479 --> 00:06:17,562 What do you think's gonna happen here? Come on. 166 00:06:17,597 --> 00:06:19,029 It doesn't have to be complicated. 167 00:06:19,065 --> 00:06:21,219 We could just do a show and give him the money. 168 00:06:21,278 --> 00:06:22,667 We could do like a benefit. 169 00:06:22,702 --> 00:06:24,235 - Oh, a benefit? - We could do a benefit. 170 00:06:24,270 --> 00:06:25,736 Right. Let me explain something to you. 171 00:06:25,737 --> 00:06:27,873 Every time a comedian does a show, 172 00:06:27,907 --> 00:06:30,007 it's a benefit, for themselves. 173 00:06:30,042 --> 00:06:31,245 That's how it is, man. 174 00:06:31,245 --> 00:06:33,178 Yeah, but it wouldn't... it wouldn't even be that hard. 175 00:06:33,212 --> 00:06:35,178 We just need to get a group of comics together. 176 00:06:35,213 --> 00:06:38,582 If... if you headline, all the other comics will fall into line. 177 00:06:38,617 --> 00:06:40,417 - [SIGHS] - Put up a great lineup. 178 00:06:40,452 --> 00:06:42,274 - Oh. Sounds easy. - Raise some money... 179 00:06:42,274 --> 00:06:43,887 It is easy. I could even host. 180 00:06:43,922 --> 00:06:46,590 - Oh, wait, wait. You'll host? - I... I could host. 181 00:06:46,625 --> 00:06:48,324 Yeah, now I get your angle. You'll host. 182 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:50,626 I am rubbing off on you. I get what's going on here. 183 00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,511 You wanna use his sickness 184 00:06:52,730 --> 00:06:54,797 to get stage time. Is that what's going on? 185 00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:56,465 Artie, I'm not doing this for me. 186 00:06:56,501 --> 00:06:58,495 I'm just sayin', I could put it all together. 187 00:06:58,520 --> 00:06:59,521 Right. 188 00:06:59,546 --> 00:07:01,847 Make it really, really easy. All you have to do is show up. 189 00:07:01,890 --> 00:07:04,140 I'll do anything to make this stop. Let me explain something to you. 190 00:07:04,684 --> 00:07:06,202 - I'll headline. - You'll headline? 191 00:07:06,227 --> 00:07:07,426 - I'll headline. - You'll do it? 192 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,988 I'm being honest with you. I will headline. 193 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,504 But you gotta do the work. Okay? 194 00:07:10,567 --> 00:07:12,689 Of course. I feel bad, he's a good guy. 195 00:07:13,645 --> 00:07:16,262 Hey, you're a good man, Arthur. 196 00:07:16,317 --> 00:07:19,352 I don't know about that, but I know I'm gonna need a benefit one day, 197 00:07:19,387 --> 00:07:21,687 so I'm putting out some karma. And do me a favor. 198 00:07:21,723 --> 00:07:24,323 Promise me one thing. When my benefit comes around, 199 00:07:24,358 --> 00:07:26,348 you're not hosting. You're not hosting. 200 00:07:26,493 --> 00:07:28,125 ? 201 00:07:28,161 --> 00:07:30,304 Personally, I like sweet cream, as a base, 202 00:07:30,329 --> 00:07:32,397 'cause it doesn't overwhelm the mix-ins. 203 00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:34,970 For me, it's all about tasting the mix-ins. 204 00:07:35,268 --> 00:07:37,304 Oreo Overload is popular. 205 00:07:39,406 --> 00:07:42,654 I'm gonna take my break, but Camilla... Camilla, could you, uh, 206 00:07:43,238 --> 00:07:44,571 assist me, please? 207 00:07:44,810 --> 00:07:46,209 Uh, thank you, ladies. 208 00:07:46,245 --> 00:07:49,946 ? I don't know what to say, don't know how ? 209 00:07:49,982 --> 00:07:51,103 Aw. 210 00:07:51,326 --> 00:07:52,659 - What? - You have stubble. 211 00:07:52,694 --> 00:07:54,327 - This? - Yeah. 212 00:07:54,363 --> 00:07:56,296 This... pinch of sand? 213 00:07:56,331 --> 00:07:59,097 Yeah! [LAUGHS] Just a sprinkle of salt. 214 00:07:59,133 --> 00:08:02,134 Yeah, don't get used to it. I haven't shaved in, like, nine days. 215 00:08:02,169 --> 00:08:03,702 - Wow. - This is it. 216 00:08:03,738 --> 00:08:05,137 You're looking at it. 217 00:08:05,172 --> 00:08:06,305 - It's crazy. - That's crazy. 218 00:08:06,340 --> 00:08:09,293 I don't shave. Except... except these guys. 219 00:08:09,843 --> 00:08:12,578 These guys grow little hairs, so I clean 'em off in the shower. 220 00:08:12,613 --> 00:08:14,546 - Mmm. - Sorry, that's gross. 221 00:08:14,582 --> 00:08:15,946 - It's not gross. - I'm a gross person. 222 00:08:15,982 --> 00:08:18,411 No, we all have hairs. I have this one hair, 223 00:08:18,475 --> 00:08:19,717 growing out of my nipple. 224 00:08:19,753 --> 00:08:21,986 It's, like, real long. I could shave it. 225 00:08:22,422 --> 00:08:24,955 But I'm not gonna shave it, 'cause I wanna see how long it'll get. 226 00:08:24,991 --> 00:08:27,625 - [LAUGHS] - It's so weird. I have, like, pride. 227 00:08:27,661 --> 00:08:29,294 I love her. I call her Betty. 228 00:08:29,329 --> 00:08:30,823 Is it weird that I know Betty? 229 00:08:31,798 --> 00:08:33,563 - That makes me sad. - [LAUGHS] 230 00:08:33,599 --> 00:08:35,666 - I wanted her to be my little secret. - No. 231 00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:36,866 [LAUGHS] Oh, no. 232 00:08:36,902 --> 00:08:39,068 - No, it's lovely. You're lovely. - I know. 233 00:08:39,104 --> 00:08:40,136 You should be proud. 234 00:08:40,172 --> 00:08:41,196 - Aw. - What? 235 00:08:41,315 --> 00:08:42,445 I don't know, I feel like... 236 00:08:43,172 --> 00:08:44,720 you'd look cute with a beard. 237 00:08:44,755 --> 00:08:46,007 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 238 00:08:46,032 --> 00:08:47,085 I think about it, though. 239 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,944 The worst part of not being able to grow a beard, 240 00:08:48,969 --> 00:08:50,663 - it's like a... It's a man thing. - Mmm. 241 00:08:50,688 --> 00:08:52,867 You know? Like, if I'm on a desert island, 242 00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:55,025 you know, that's, like, when men grow beards. 243 00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:56,160 - Mm, I'm sure. Yeah. - Like Tom Hanks? 244 00:08:56,195 --> 00:08:58,262 If I was on a desert island, a rescue chopper 245 00:08:58,298 --> 00:09:01,557 would fly by, they'd look down and they'd think I was fine. 246 00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:02,633 [LAUGHS] 247 00:09:02,669 --> 00:09:05,369 "Oh, let's save that... No. Roll the ladder back up. 248 00:09:05,405 --> 00:09:07,304 - [LAUGHING] - "That guy's just looking to get away." 249 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,405 He wants to be here. 250 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,674 Yeah. He's clearly shaving, he's found resources. 251 00:09:10,709 --> 00:09:13,643 [LAUGHING] That's so funny. You should write that down. 252 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,045 Really? You think that's stage funny? 253 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,781 - Yeah. It's a bit. - Okay. 254 00:09:17,816 --> 00:09:19,464 - [PHONE DINGS] - Oh. Sorry. 255 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:23,742 Oh, shit, it's Greg. 256 00:09:24,343 --> 00:09:25,387 I got Rififi. 257 00:09:25,861 --> 00:09:27,523 - That's great. - I got Rififi! 258 00:09:27,558 --> 00:09:28,657 Oh, yay. 259 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,826 They want me to do five minutes on Rifi... this is amazing! 260 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,012 I might've put in a little word. 261 00:09:33,664 --> 00:09:35,331 - What? - [LAUGHS] 262 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,532 - You did? - Yeah. 263 00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:38,851 - Thank you! - You're welcome. I just... 264 00:09:39,205 --> 00:09:41,268 I told 'em you're great, 'cause you're great. 265 00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,550 Ooh! I got a sugar mama. 266 00:09:44,587 --> 00:09:45,941 - Thank you! - Woop! Woop! 267 00:09:46,562 --> 00:09:49,510 What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? 268 00:09:49,546 --> 00:09:51,371 [LAUGHTER] 269 00:09:51,948 --> 00:09:54,465 - Do you think it's just, take it? - [LAUGHTER] 270 00:09:55,117 --> 00:09:57,818 Just take it. Thanks for working here. 271 00:09:57,853 --> 00:09:59,519 [LAUGHING] 272 00:09:59,977 --> 00:10:03,390 I'm not, uh, a very manly guy. I can't grow a beard. 273 00:10:03,425 --> 00:10:05,459 Which is fine. But, you know, I was thinking about it. 274 00:10:05,494 --> 00:10:07,728 What if I... what if I'm in, like, a plane crash, 275 00:10:07,763 --> 00:10:09,863 and I have to live on a deserted island? 276 00:10:10,145 --> 00:10:13,480 If I can't grow a beard, the rescue chopper's gonna come by, 277 00:10:13,515 --> 00:10:15,748 they're gonna see me, they'll think I'm fine. 278 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,591 [LAUGHTER] 279 00:10:17,591 --> 00:10:20,625 Oh, I guess he just wanted to get away, because... 280 00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:22,997 he's clearly found a way to shave, so... 281 00:10:24,076 --> 00:10:25,430 he's got resources, 282 00:10:25,465 --> 00:10:28,433 so, roll the ladder back up, he's okay. 283 00:10:29,135 --> 00:10:32,102 ? 284 00:10:39,817 --> 00:10:41,561 [BUZZING] 285 00:10:52,223 --> 00:10:53,972 - You Nick? - Excuse me? 286 00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:55,557 Who are you? 287 00:10:56,027 --> 00:10:58,085 Who are you... I'm looking for Artie. 288 00:10:58,234 --> 00:10:59,928 Uh, Artie Lange? 289 00:10:59,964 --> 00:11:01,700 Oh. Artie's not here. 290 00:11:02,307 --> 00:11:03,733 Sorry. Is he coming back or...? 291 00:11:03,768 --> 00:11:05,590 Yeah, like in five, 10 minutes, all right? 292 00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:07,822 Is... Can he... 293 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,171 So he just left you... 294 00:11:10,206 --> 00:11:11,605 You know what? Wait in the hallway. 295 00:11:12,108 --> 00:11:13,508 You want me to wait in the hall... 296 00:11:13,544 --> 00:11:14,532 You know what? 297 00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:18,252 You're right, wait in here. I don't like this hallway for you. 298 00:11:19,115 --> 00:11:20,181 Come on. 299 00:11:20,216 --> 00:11:21,683 I could... I can... 300 00:11:21,718 --> 00:11:23,851 - You can wait in here! - Okay. 301 00:11:26,587 --> 00:11:28,787 Is this... is this the guy? 302 00:11:28,925 --> 00:11:31,462 No. It's a friend of Artie's. 303 00:11:31,727 --> 00:11:34,423 He's, uh, he's gonna wait for him here. 304 00:11:34,764 --> 00:11:37,865 Oh, oh, oh... How are you doin'? I'm Raymond, this is Gene. 305 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,796 We're friends of Artie's from the neighborhood. 306 00:11:40,735 --> 00:11:42,736 - [STAMMERS] - How do you know... how do you know him? 307 00:11:44,639 --> 00:11:47,006 I, um, I'm a comedian, too, so... 308 00:11:47,041 --> 00:11:49,394 Oh, yeah. You talk in a microphone? 309 00:11:49,611 --> 00:11:50,918 [LAUGHS] Right. 310 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,186 You know that reminds me, that reminds me, how I know Artie. 311 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,527 We got a mutual friend that got hit by a train, 312 00:11:55,552 --> 00:11:58,528 but he only got his foot cut off, but it wasn't so bad, right? 313 00:11:58,575 --> 00:12:00,024 Anyway, that's how we met. [LAUGHS] 314 00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:02,418 It was fucking funny, it was fucked up. 315 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:06,128 Well, I don't... um, I'm gonna have to run to my car, 316 00:12:06,381 --> 00:12:07,501 so I'll just... 317 00:12:07,538 --> 00:12:08,643 Okay? 318 00:12:11,542 --> 00:12:13,575 Definitely, man. Watch your hand in the door. 319 00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:15,791 Okay. Thank you. 320 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,981 ? 321 00:12:23,587 --> 00:12:26,240 Hi. Is, um, Artie Lange performing? 322 00:12:26,453 --> 00:12:27,476 No. 323 00:12:29,222 --> 00:12:30,334 Thank you. 324 00:12:32,925 --> 00:12:35,058 [DISTANT SIREN WAILING] 325 00:12:59,551 --> 00:13:01,771 [LINE RINGING] 326 00:13:03,263 --> 00:13:05,428 ARTIE: This is like the eighth time you've called me, Pete. 327 00:13:05,465 --> 00:13:06,606 What do you want? 328 00:13:06,900 --> 00:13:09,067 ? 329 00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:10,683 [COUGHING] 330 00:13:17,410 --> 00:13:18,555 You all right? 331 00:13:19,012 --> 00:13:20,131 I'm fine. 332 00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,651 Artie, you don't look fine. 333 00:13:23,396 --> 00:13:25,845 Oh, thanks, man, 'cause I don't own a mirror. 334 00:13:27,366 --> 00:13:28,700 So? I mean... 335 00:13:28,735 --> 00:13:30,467 So, what? Look, you called me. 336 00:13:30,503 --> 00:13:31,869 I called you back, right? 337 00:13:31,905 --> 00:13:33,537 So... so this is your idea. What's going on? 338 00:13:33,573 --> 00:13:36,275 You... It took you a while to call me back. 339 00:13:37,410 --> 00:13:39,242 And then, who were those guys? 340 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,111 - What guys? - The guys that you... 341 00:13:41,408 --> 00:13:44,380 You had two sketchy guys in your apartment. 342 00:13:44,416 --> 00:13:45,749 They're my sketch group. [CHUCKLES] 343 00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:46,950 - That's not... - No... 344 00:13:46,985 --> 00:13:49,052 Artie, these guys came over, they... they... 345 00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:51,454 They had drugs with... They were doing drugs. 346 00:13:51,489 --> 00:13:52,889 Okay, look. First of all, Columbo, 347 00:13:52,925 --> 00:13:54,624 I don't know anything about that. 348 00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,093 Nothing. If someone's doing drugs, I... I don't know 349 00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:58,427 - anything about drugs. - It was right here, 350 00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:01,163 it was in your house. Artie, you can't be using. 351 00:14:01,199 --> 00:14:03,032 You know this. I thought you were in recovery. 352 00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:06,422 First of all, I'm not using. Okay? Let's get that straight. 353 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,570 Don't be yelling out that bullshit. 354 00:14:08,606 --> 00:14:11,231 It costs me work. I'm not using. 355 00:14:11,442 --> 00:14:13,564 I'm in recovery. Actively. 356 00:14:13,844 --> 00:14:16,010 - So... - I would never shoot up with them. 357 00:14:16,046 --> 00:14:19,380 If they... First of all, I saw them possibly doing something weird, 358 00:14:19,415 --> 00:14:21,108 and I got out... I got outta here. 359 00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:22,155 That's... 360 00:14:22,624 --> 00:14:25,353 That's good. I'm proud of you. 361 00:14:25,388 --> 00:14:26,788 Thank you. Well, thanks for being proud of me. 362 00:14:26,823 --> 00:14:28,957 That's not easy to do, that's amazing. 363 00:14:28,992 --> 00:14:31,061 I just wanna help you, man. 364 00:14:31,061 --> 00:14:33,426 If you're on a good streak, I just wanna be here... 365 00:14:33,462 --> 00:14:35,829 I gotta tell you something. You know, usually, 366 00:14:35,865 --> 00:14:37,564 I... I blow people off like this, 367 00:14:37,599 --> 00:14:41,034 but, um, you're different than my New York buddies. 368 00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:43,904 You're way more sincere, and, uh, I appreciate that. 369 00:14:43,939 --> 00:14:46,673 I do, I appreciate it. I do. Thank you. 370 00:14:46,708 --> 00:14:48,305 - I... I appreciate you, are you kidding? - Thank you. 371 00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:49,541 Thank you for telling me that. 372 00:14:49,577 --> 00:14:51,177 Uh, look, uh, thank you for being here. 373 00:14:51,212 --> 00:14:53,112 Nobody else is here. You know? 374 00:14:53,148 --> 00:14:54,881 You're probably the best friend I got right now. 375 00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:56,125 And I appreciate it. 376 00:14:56,284 --> 00:14:57,849 - Well, let... - You know, you are. 377 00:14:58,186 --> 00:15:00,725 - Let me help you. - You wanna help? 378 00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,256 I wanna be... Let me help you. 379 00:15:02,256 --> 00:15:05,055 All right, well let's, uh, let's do something, uh, positive, then. 380 00:15:05,091 --> 00:15:06,023 - Yes. - Uh... 381 00:15:06,058 --> 00:15:08,061 You gotta replace a bad habit with a good habit. 382 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,987 I saw a TED Talk. You just gotta... 383 00:15:10,012 --> 00:15:11,444 - Let's do it. - ...retrain your brain. 384 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:12,780 Well, I'm in. Let's do it. 385 00:15:12,815 --> 00:15:14,746 Well, I'll tell you what a good habit is for me, I'm starvin'. 386 00:15:14,746 --> 00:15:16,513 - Let's go get something to eat. - I would love to. 387 00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:18,548 ? 388 00:15:30,795 --> 00:15:33,094 ? 389 00:15:50,185 --> 00:15:52,465 I'm sorry things aren't easy for you right now, but... 390 00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:53,520 Yeah, well... 391 00:15:53,545 --> 00:15:55,911 Yeah, it's not easy. Life's weird now. 392 00:15:55,946 --> 00:15:57,110 It really is. 393 00:15:57,614 --> 00:15:59,192 Are you going to meetings or...? 394 00:15:59,550 --> 00:16:01,416 I gotta tell you, the whole thing about AA, 395 00:16:01,451 --> 00:16:04,086 it feels a little too religious for me, you know? 396 00:16:04,121 --> 00:16:07,328 And God, with me, quite frankly, he's got some explaining to do. 397 00:16:07,825 --> 00:16:09,658 - What do you mean? - What do I mean? 398 00:16:09,694 --> 00:16:12,060 So, you know, your father becomes a quadriplegic 399 00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:13,995 by falling off a roof, with no insurance. 400 00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:16,967 You gotta go on welfare, and, uh, it ruins your whole family. 401 00:16:16,996 --> 00:16:18,521 That doesn't make you feel like there's 402 00:16:18,546 --> 00:16:20,397 somebody up there that's looking out for you. 403 00:16:20,686 --> 00:16:23,446 And, uh, you know, I'm a little cynical about it, quite frankly. 404 00:16:23,471 --> 00:16:24,673 What do you want me to tell you? I mean... 405 00:16:24,698 --> 00:16:26,618 - I'm so sorry. - Yeah, right. 406 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,183 To be honest, I've been having a hard time with the whole 407 00:16:32,453 --> 00:16:34,081 "higher power" thing myself. 408 00:16:34,081 --> 00:16:35,585 Really? You? 409 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,701 Why? 410 00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:39,822 I don't know. So much of my life, 411 00:16:39,857 --> 00:16:41,886 I was afraid of God. 412 00:16:43,183 --> 00:16:45,709 Now I'm looking back, I didn't do stuff. 413 00:16:46,001 --> 00:16:47,593 Maybe I missed out, I don't know. 414 00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:48,956 What stuff? 415 00:16:50,030 --> 00:16:52,596 I was so worried about hell, I... I didn't wanna... 416 00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:54,402 Like I wouldn't jerk off, 417 00:16:54,402 --> 00:16:57,728 just in case Jesus came back while I was masturbating. 418 00:16:58,128 --> 00:17:01,595 Well, that would be horrible luck, bad timing. 419 00:17:01,963 --> 00:17:03,141 It's confusing. 420 00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:07,023 Yeah, well, life can be a pretty fucked up thing, I'll tell you. 421 00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,648 It can be, uh... be pretty confusing. 422 00:17:10,461 --> 00:17:12,117 I feel for you, man. I do. 423 00:17:12,764 --> 00:17:14,530 ? 424 00:17:20,471 --> 00:17:23,248 PETE: Isn't this nice? I mean, get the blood going, get fresh air? 425 00:17:23,574 --> 00:17:27,376 You know, they say exercise gets the, uh, releases the, um... 426 00:17:27,411 --> 00:17:29,345 Endorphins. Yeah, if... if you say "endorphins" right now, 427 00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:30,579 I'm gonna throw you off a bridge. 428 00:17:30,999 --> 00:17:32,836 - I... I'm just... - I just gotta... 429 00:17:32,836 --> 00:17:34,064 I gotta sit down. I'm having a good time. 430 00:17:34,089 --> 00:17:35,537 I just gotta sit down, I'm tired. 431 00:17:35,573 --> 00:17:36,585 It doesn't look clean. 432 00:17:37,328 --> 00:17:38,940 I'll disinfect you when we leave. 433 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:41,600 [SIGHS] 434 00:17:45,672 --> 00:17:46,752 This, uh... this does 435 00:17:47,606 --> 00:17:48,994 feel nice, though. 436 00:17:50,431 --> 00:17:53,198 I... I'm not kidding, I really feel better. 437 00:17:53,234 --> 00:17:55,867 I feel like I should, uh, do this more often, 438 00:17:55,902 --> 00:17:58,270 and... and just breathe air. 439 00:17:58,305 --> 00:17:59,784 I feel young, you know. 440 00:18:00,630 --> 00:18:01,638 I'm glad. 441 00:18:02,013 --> 00:18:03,046 Thank you. 442 00:18:03,081 --> 00:18:04,388 I like seeing you like this. 443 00:18:04,716 --> 00:18:05,781 You do, yeah? 444 00:18:06,012 --> 00:18:08,351 It's like... I didn't know you when you were young. 445 00:18:08,386 --> 00:18:09,634 When were you young? 446 00:18:10,516 --> 00:18:12,381 - The '30s. - [LAUGHS] 447 00:18:12,417 --> 00:18:13,773 [GANGSTER VOICE] Those were good times, see? 448 00:18:14,185 --> 00:18:16,677 [LAUGHS] You would've been a great gang boss. 449 00:18:16,931 --> 00:18:18,797 [LAUGHS] You know what? 450 00:18:18,822 --> 00:18:20,444 That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. 451 00:18:20,469 --> 00:18:21,422 [LAUGHS] 452 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,992 Uh, honestly, this is very, very cute, 453 00:18:24,028 --> 00:18:26,616 but it's gonna start turning into a date pretty soon, so, uh... 454 00:18:26,868 --> 00:18:29,235 I'm gonna get going. I'll see you tonight. 455 00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:30,443 - Right? - Yeah. 456 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,991 Thanks, man. Uh, you know, 457 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,511 this really was something else. 458 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:34,913 - I appreciate it. - Yeah. 459 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,080 I love you, buddy. 460 00:18:36,105 --> 00:18:37,224 I love you, man. 461 00:18:37,969 --> 00:18:38,957 I'll see you. 462 00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:40,537 - Okay. - Take care of yourself, man. 463 00:18:40,572 --> 00:18:42,292 - Bye, Arthur. - I love that shirt. 464 00:18:43,075 --> 00:18:44,213 I get it. 465 00:18:45,010 --> 00:18:46,342 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 466 00:18:46,378 --> 00:18:48,777 Thanks very much. Thanks for coming to the Village Underground. 467 00:18:48,813 --> 00:18:50,013 We got a great show tonight. 468 00:18:50,048 --> 00:18:53,374 Uh, and Artie Lange will be here later to headline. 469 00:18:53,618 --> 00:18:56,652 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 470 00:18:56,687 --> 00:18:58,187 Are you guys... You having fun? 471 00:18:58,223 --> 00:19:00,152 - [CHEERS] - Okay, good, um... 472 00:19:00,958 --> 00:19:02,524 tonight, your... Your money, 473 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:05,060 is actually going to a very good cause. 474 00:19:05,095 --> 00:19:06,861 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 475 00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:10,356 All right? I'm super excited, so let's have a great show! 476 00:19:10,667 --> 00:19:13,101 ? 477 00:19:16,306 --> 00:19:17,712 - There he is. - Hey. 478 00:19:18,208 --> 00:19:19,706 How's it goin', how you feelin'? 479 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,143 I'm feeling really good. I went down there, it's sold out. 480 00:19:22,178 --> 00:19:23,877 - I know. - This is fantastic. 481 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,346 - Thank you. - They're very excited to see you. 482 00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:28,666 When am I going on? You are on, uh, fourth. 483 00:19:29,052 --> 00:19:31,290 And then Artie will come up after you to close the show. 484 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:34,390 Perfect, thank you. Clean up, like the Babe. 485 00:19:34,990 --> 00:19:37,612 That'll do, pig. That'll do. 486 00:19:39,161 --> 00:19:40,760 Yeah, I'm talkin' about the baseball guy. 487 00:19:40,795 --> 00:19:42,543 - Yeah, I know, I know. - You sure? 488 00:19:42,797 --> 00:19:43,996 Yeah, yeah. 489 00:19:44,032 --> 00:19:46,172 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - All right, thanks, you guys, thank you. 490 00:19:46,368 --> 00:19:48,168 [PLAYING PIANO] 491 00:19:48,203 --> 00:19:50,138 My impression of a Beethoven concert, here we go. 492 00:19:50,139 --> 00:19:51,903 [PLAYING PIANO] 493 00:19:51,928 --> 00:19:54,120 Please welcome, direct from Bonn... 494 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,133 it's Beethoven. 495 00:19:58,412 --> 00:20:00,111 - Is Artie here yet? - I haven't seen him. 496 00:20:00,136 --> 00:20:01,535 Thank you very much, it's great to be here. 497 00:20:01,579 --> 00:20:03,613 [LAUGHTER] 498 00:20:04,247 --> 00:20:06,793 Uh, since this is the last night of the tour, 499 00:20:06,818 --> 00:20:08,453 I'm just gonna play the hits. 500 00:20:08,489 --> 00:20:10,788 [LINE RINGING] 501 00:20:10,823 --> 00:20:12,690 [OVER VOICEMAIL]: Yeah, this is Artie, leave a message. 502 00:20:12,725 --> 00:20:14,459 WAYNE: I start my concerts the same way. 503 00:20:14,494 --> 00:20:16,527 Are you ready to classical? 504 00:20:16,552 --> 00:20:18,503 [LAUGHTER] 505 00:20:18,513 --> 00:20:19,830 I can't hear you! 506 00:20:20,187 --> 00:20:22,266 [AUDIENCE CHEERS] 507 00:20:22,302 --> 00:20:25,470 No, I can't hear you. I'm completely deaf. 508 00:20:25,505 --> 00:20:27,804 It's a miracle I can play piano. 509 00:20:27,839 --> 00:20:30,640 All right, that's my time. I'm gonna leave you with this one. 510 00:20:30,675 --> 00:20:31,741 PETE: Fucking Artie! 511 00:20:31,776 --> 00:20:34,511 ? 512 00:20:47,592 --> 00:20:49,458 Oh my God! I am so sorry! 513 00:20:49,494 --> 00:20:50,765 Excuse me! Sorry! 514 00:20:52,792 --> 00:20:54,391 Whoa! Sorry! Sorry! 515 00:20:56,501 --> 00:21:00,068 ? 516 00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:12,586 I was just with my father. 517 00:21:12,586 --> 00:21:14,882 Um, it's unbelievable. We had the best time... 518 00:21:14,917 --> 00:21:17,836 Hi, sorry. Uh... I'm Pete. 519 00:21:17,861 --> 00:21:18,893 - Hello. - Hi. 520 00:21:18,918 --> 00:21:19,917 - Jessica? - Yes? 521 00:21:19,942 --> 00:21:21,540 I... I'm looking for a comedian, uh, our headliner, 522 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:22,758 around the corner, at the Underground, 523 00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:23,875 is... is running late. 524 00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,805 I just need somebody to do, like, five, 10 minutes? 525 00:21:25,830 --> 00:21:27,930 - If you could? - Ohh, I just ordered hummus. 526 00:21:27,965 --> 00:21:29,277 I'm so sorry. 527 00:21:29,302 --> 00:21:30,826 Uh, it... I don't know if it makes a difference, 528 00:21:30,851 --> 00:21:32,300 it's a... it's a benefit. 529 00:21:32,744 --> 00:21:34,177 Wayne Federman, do you know him? 530 00:21:34,212 --> 00:21:35,277 - He... He's... - Yeah... 531 00:21:35,312 --> 00:21:36,878 - He has cancer, and um, - Ooh... 532 00:21:36,913 --> 00:21:40,046 all the money's going to his bills. It's a really good crowd. 533 00:21:41,352 --> 00:21:43,619 - Like, pheneom... - Okay, okay. I'll do 10. 534 00:21:43,654 --> 00:21:45,032 - Okay? - Yeah. 535 00:21:46,690 --> 00:21:48,723 So, if Artie's not there, by the time you're done, 536 00:21:48,759 --> 00:21:50,467 I'll just point to who's next, and... 537 00:21:50,492 --> 00:21:52,093 and you can bring them up, if that's okay. 538 00:21:52,129 --> 00:21:53,886 Okay, so now you want me to host, too? 539 00:21:53,949 --> 00:21:55,116 No, just, like, tag team. 540 00:21:55,151 --> 00:21:56,417 I don't tag team. 541 00:21:56,452 --> 00:21:58,452 I am legally married to another woman, 542 00:21:58,488 --> 00:22:00,954 but it's fine, 'cause we're both feminine-looking. 543 00:22:00,990 --> 00:22:02,823 - [LAUGHTER] - But she's really hot. 544 00:22:02,858 --> 00:22:05,059 You would jerk off to her, she's really hot. 545 00:22:05,094 --> 00:22:06,394 [LAUGHTER] 546 00:22:06,429 --> 00:22:09,055 I guess we look alike. 'Cause we both have long, curly hair. 547 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,398 People ask if we're sisters. That's a big question. 548 00:22:11,433 --> 00:22:14,100 "Are you guys sisters?" I'm like, if sisters finger each other 549 00:22:14,136 --> 00:22:15,877 - "in Home Depot..." - [LAUGHTER] 550 00:22:16,271 --> 00:22:17,737 I remember when we were getting married, 551 00:22:17,772 --> 00:22:20,128 I'm Jewish and she's not, so I'm chosen... 552 00:22:20,542 --> 00:22:24,044 and my parents didn't care that I was marrying a woman. 553 00:22:24,079 --> 00:22:25,678 That's the great part, they could care less. 554 00:22:25,713 --> 00:22:27,085 You know what they cared about? 555 00:22:27,109 --> 00:22:28,646 That she wasn't Jewish, isn't that amazing? 556 00:22:28,682 --> 00:22:30,149 Anyone who's a Jew in the crowd 557 00:22:30,184 --> 00:22:31,650 is gonna understand that. 558 00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:33,189 So they started calling me, "Can you" 559 00:22:33,214 --> 00:22:34,819 just not serve pork at the wedding?" 560 00:22:35,003 --> 00:22:36,707 Do you mind just not serving pork? 561 00:22:36,739 --> 00:22:38,857 I'm like, "That's what you're upset I'm eating?" 562 00:22:38,892 --> 00:22:39,891 [LAUGHTER] 563 00:22:39,927 --> 00:22:41,527 - [PHONE RINGING] - Artie: Yeah, this is Artie, 564 00:22:41,562 --> 00:22:42,807 leave a message. 565 00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:47,065 ? 566 00:22:51,423 --> 00:22:53,412 It's a benefit, Artie's running late, 567 00:22:53,437 --> 00:22:55,586 I just need somebody to do, like, 15? 568 00:22:55,975 --> 00:22:57,191 Come on, man. 569 00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:58,900 Ready? Come on! 570 00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:01,497 Hey, I don't run to spots. 571 00:23:01,846 --> 00:23:03,613 - Come on, man! - No! 572 00:23:03,648 --> 00:23:05,867 - Thank you! - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] 573 00:23:06,485 --> 00:23:09,152 Let's hear it for Jessica Kirson, everybody! 574 00:23:09,188 --> 00:23:11,222 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] 575 00:23:13,718 --> 00:23:14,791 Ha-ha! 576 00:23:14,826 --> 00:23:17,426 Um... all right, we have, uh, we more show. 577 00:23:17,462 --> 00:23:19,491 - You guys feeling good? - [CHEERS] 578 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,964 Uh, Artie is, uh, he's... he's in the building, 579 00:23:21,999 --> 00:23:23,665 I've been told... I... I believe he's very close, 580 00:23:23,701 --> 00:23:26,068 but we have another... A pop-in-er, you guys excited... 581 00:23:26,104 --> 00:23:27,454 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - to see... 582 00:23:29,218 --> 00:23:31,127 Let's start clapping right now, uh, for a friend 583 00:23:31,152 --> 00:23:32,841 of the show, it's Greer Barnes, everybody. 584 00:23:32,876 --> 00:23:34,786 - It's Greer Barnes! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 585 00:23:35,712 --> 00:23:38,146 If I was a white woman, I would rob black dudes. 586 00:23:38,181 --> 00:23:39,647 [LAUGHTER] 587 00:23:39,682 --> 00:23:41,416 [LAUGHS] 588 00:23:41,451 --> 00:23:42,950 I'd walk up to black dudes and be, like, 589 00:23:42,986 --> 00:23:45,120 "Hi, my name is Sarah, give me your wallet." 590 00:23:45,155 --> 00:23:47,111 [LAUGHTER] 591 00:23:48,158 --> 00:23:49,924 "Sarah? That's my grandmama name." 592 00:23:49,959 --> 00:23:51,592 "Give me your wallet or I'm gonna scream." 593 00:23:51,627 --> 00:23:52,959 "[STAMMERS]: Here, Sarah." 594 00:23:52,995 --> 00:23:54,027 [LAUGHTER] 595 00:23:54,062 --> 00:23:55,829 Please, it's... it's a benefit. 596 00:23:56,077 --> 00:23:57,975 You want me to close a benefit, which means, 597 00:23:57,975 --> 00:24:00,941 I gotta do well, which means... I gotta try. 598 00:24:00,942 --> 00:24:02,469 I... I... I just need somebody to close. 599 00:24:02,505 --> 00:24:04,996 Please, I... I've been running back and forth, I need 20 minutes... 600 00:24:05,107 --> 00:24:06,184 Yeah, I'll do it. 601 00:24:06,209 --> 00:24:07,285 Really? 602 00:24:07,285 --> 00:24:09,142 What am I, a dick? Of course. 603 00:24:09,177 --> 00:24:10,844 Oh my God. You're really helping me out. 604 00:24:10,891 --> 00:24:13,617 Yeah, all right, all right. Relax... 605 00:24:13,946 --> 00:24:15,503 you're sweatin' like an informant. 606 00:24:15,783 --> 00:24:17,050 Can... Can we go? 607 00:24:17,685 --> 00:24:19,078 Yeah, lemme just finish this. 608 00:24:19,078 --> 00:24:20,286 I don't... I don't have 609 00:24:20,321 --> 00:24:22,388 "lemme just finish this" kinda time. 610 00:24:22,590 --> 00:24:23,946 [LAUGHTER] 611 00:24:23,946 --> 00:24:26,958 I got two kids, 14 and 16 years old. 612 00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,866 We sit around after dinner sometimes. 613 00:24:28,901 --> 00:24:32,135 We play this game called, "Hey, Let's All Take a Shit on Dad." 614 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:35,573 - [LAUGHTER] - Let's all talk about what a nerd Dad is. 615 00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:37,608 - [LAUGHTER] - "Oh, Dad, you're so out of it." 616 00:24:37,643 --> 00:24:40,711 "Dad, you don't get it." "Dad you don't know how to dial..." 617 00:24:40,747 --> 00:24:43,946 It's like, "Hey! You don't know me, motherfucker!" 618 00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:45,165 [LAUGHTER] 619 00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:48,050 You don't know who I was. 620 00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:50,567 - [LAUGHTER] - I used to be very cool. 621 00:24:50,889 --> 00:24:53,392 - [LAUGHTER] - You know when I stopped being cool? 622 00:24:53,392 --> 00:24:55,091 When you two assholes were born. 623 00:24:55,126 --> 00:24:56,673 [LAUGHTER] 624 00:24:56,673 --> 00:24:59,161 Before that, very cool. Way cooler 625 00:24:59,197 --> 00:25:01,196 - than you will ever be. - [LAUGHTER] 626 00:25:01,231 --> 00:25:03,847 You know why you won't be as cool as I was? 627 00:25:03,847 --> 00:25:05,100 'Cause you're not being raised 628 00:25:05,135 --> 00:25:08,003 by an abusive, alcoholic parent, that's why. 629 00:25:08,038 --> 00:25:10,806 - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - And that can change. 630 00:25:10,841 --> 00:25:13,509 - [LOUDER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - Thank you very much. 631 00:25:13,544 --> 00:25:15,977 You guys were great! Thanks a lot! 632 00:25:16,013 --> 00:25:18,430 [APPLAUSE] 633 00:25:19,449 --> 00:25:21,880 Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody, Greg Fitzsimmons! 634 00:25:22,765 --> 00:25:24,106 Wasn't that great? 635 00:25:24,244 --> 00:25:26,210 And how about a round of applause, that was a great show. 636 00:25:26,246 --> 00:25:27,612 Wasn't that a great show? 637 00:25:27,647 --> 00:25:30,122 - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] - Uh... unfortunately, 638 00:25:30,147 --> 00:25:31,849 Artie did not make it, um... 639 00:25:31,884 --> 00:25:33,383 - AUDIENCE: Aw... - But I do think... 640 00:25:33,418 --> 00:25:34,851 [BOOING] 641 00:25:34,886 --> 00:25:38,855 Um, but, but, but, um... your... you didn't know this, 642 00:25:38,890 --> 00:25:42,325 your... your ticket actually... All of your ticket, um, money 643 00:25:42,552 --> 00:25:45,637 went to a wonderful cause, um, Wayne Federman. 644 00:25:46,012 --> 00:25:47,762 And he, uh... Hodgkins. 645 00:25:48,067 --> 00:25:50,069 Hodgkins, and, um, you know, 646 00:25:50,268 --> 00:25:51,267 so your money is gonna help 647 00:25:51,302 --> 00:25:52,501 pay some of his medical bills. 648 00:25:52,536 --> 00:25:54,346 Who cares? We want Artie! 649 00:25:54,672 --> 00:25:57,038 Again, we've run out of time, there's another show... 650 00:25:57,074 --> 00:25:58,040 [BOOING] 651 00:25:58,065 --> 00:26:00,265 So I... I... I apologize, Artie is not here, 652 00:26:00,301 --> 00:26:02,659 - but thank you for helping Wayne. - [BOOING CONTINUES] 653 00:26:02,659 --> 00:26:03,958 MAN: Fuck Wayne Federman! 654 00:26:03,993 --> 00:26:05,726 [BOOING CONTINUES] 655 00:26:06,863 --> 00:26:09,827 Wayne Federman... has Hodgkins. 656 00:26:10,599 --> 00:26:12,788 Sorry, um... sorry about this. 657 00:26:14,470 --> 00:26:16,558 [BOOING] 658 00:26:19,408 --> 00:26:22,075 ? 659 00:26:30,893 --> 00:26:32,240 What the fuck? 660 00:26:38,893 --> 00:26:40,123 Artie... 661 00:26:40,362 --> 00:26:41,676 Hey, what's going on? 662 00:26:42,028 --> 00:26:43,628 What's going on? Where were you? 663 00:26:43,664 --> 00:26:45,497 You... you m... You missed the show. 664 00:26:45,532 --> 00:26:47,932 You know what, man? I'm sorry, I had some stuff going on, okay? 665 00:26:47,968 --> 00:26:50,535 I... I had to do some things, I apologize, all right? I'm sorry. 666 00:26:50,571 --> 00:26:52,590 Some stuff, really? Some stuff going on? 667 00:26:52,615 --> 00:26:53,908 What was going on? 668 00:26:53,908 --> 00:26:56,107 You kn... You know... I don't know, something was going on. 669 00:26:56,142 --> 00:26:57,293 You gotta stay out... get out... get 670 00:26:57,318 --> 00:26:58,476 outta my ass about this, all right? 671 00:26:58,511 --> 00:27:02,179 I've been running back and forth to get people to cover for you. 672 00:27:02,214 --> 00:27:03,681 Oh, I'm all broken up about that. 673 00:27:03,716 --> 00:27:05,349 Hones... you know, I'm gonna be honest about this. 674 00:27:05,385 --> 00:27:07,317 I guess I'm a piece o'shit. All right? 675 00:27:07,353 --> 00:27:08,753 You... you just fucked Wayne, 676 00:27:08,788 --> 00:27:10,954 you just fucked me, you fucked the show... 677 00:27:10,990 --> 00:27:12,456 You know what? Okay, I'm done with this. 678 00:27:12,492 --> 00:27:14,425 I'm a piece o'shit. Let's just leave it at that. 679 00:27:14,460 --> 00:27:16,693 I was out scoring. I was out tryin' to buy drugs, okay? 680 00:27:16,728 --> 00:27:18,495 - What? - Yeah, that's what I was doin', all right? 681 00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:19,996 What h... What happened to turning it around? 682 00:27:20,031 --> 00:27:21,464 - [COUGHS] - We're turning things around? 683 00:27:21,500 --> 00:27:23,065 You are un-fucking- believable, man. 684 00:27:23,101 --> 00:27:25,968 You are s... are you stupid or naive? Or just ignorant? 685 00:27:26,004 --> 00:27:29,171 I don't know where the fuck you came from. Turning it around? 686 00:27:29,207 --> 00:27:31,425 Do you see who's talking to you, man? I'm a heroin addict. 687 00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:33,174 I bullshit people, that's what I do. 688 00:27:33,210 --> 00:27:34,843 I'm not gonna turn it around, ever. 689 00:27:34,879 --> 00:27:36,745 I thought we were moving in the right direction. 690 00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:38,213 - What... what happened... - [CHUCKLING] 691 00:27:38,248 --> 00:27:40,148 - to moving...? - Moving in the right direction? 692 00:27:40,183 --> 00:27:41,483 Yes, I thought we were making some changes? 693 00:27:41,519 --> 00:27:44,219 Were you with me the other night when I was sweating from withdrawals 694 00:27:44,254 --> 00:27:45,253 and I go cop at four a.m.? 695 00:27:45,289 --> 00:27:46,555 Were you with me that night? 696 00:27:46,590 --> 00:27:48,615 Were you movin' in the right direction with me that night? 697 00:27:48,615 --> 00:27:50,275 No, you weren't. So I had to go do 698 00:27:50,330 --> 00:27:52,293 what I have to do. And you do whatever you do. 699 00:27:52,328 --> 00:27:54,995 Artie, I know you're struggling. I believe in you. 700 00:27:55,031 --> 00:27:56,597 Um, struggling... Struggling ain't the word, man. 701 00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:58,399 Struggling ain't the word. This is a physical thing, 702 00:27:58,435 --> 00:28:00,167 it's not just, uh, an emotional thing, 703 00:28:00,202 --> 00:28:01,569 it's physical, getting off heroin. 704 00:28:01,594 --> 00:28:03,705 - I know. - It's physical... if I could go back, 705 00:28:03,740 --> 00:28:05,381 honestly, I wish I could go back, 706 00:28:05,874 --> 00:28:09,175 when a... a younger Artie did heroin for the first time 707 00:28:09,210 --> 00:28:11,511 in a fucking hotel room on the... on the road. 708 00:28:11,547 --> 00:28:13,279 And I wish I could tackle that guy. 709 00:28:13,315 --> 00:28:15,449 I... literally, I wish I could tackle him, and stop him 710 00:28:15,484 --> 00:28:18,597 from doing it. But... it's over. 711 00:28:18,622 --> 00:28:19,659 It's just over. 712 00:28:21,425 --> 00:28:24,557 Look, you have an opportunity, okay? 713 00:28:24,582 --> 00:28:25,980 You've been handed this life. 714 00:28:25,980 --> 00:28:28,728 Don't you owe it to the people that... love you? 715 00:28:28,763 --> 00:28:31,461 - Oh my God, you s... - Don't you owe it to your... your mom? 716 00:28:31,486 --> 00:28:33,398 - Your dad? - Honestly, I... I guess... 717 00:28:33,434 --> 00:28:35,200 I guess maybe I had... I had it wrong. 718 00:28:35,235 --> 00:28:36,435 Maybe you do care a little too much. 719 00:28:36,471 --> 00:28:38,382 Honestly, maybe it's kinda creepy that you care too much. 720 00:28:38,407 --> 00:28:39,357 Come on, man... 721 00:28:39,382 --> 00:28:41,105 And bringing up my mother and my fucking dad, 722 00:28:41,140 --> 00:28:44,041 you're bringing up dead relatives now. Honestly? That's fucked up. 723 00:28:44,077 --> 00:28:45,543 You know what? Fuck you, Pete. 724 00:28:45,579 --> 00:28:47,645 Fuck you. I don't need this shit from you... 725 00:28:47,681 --> 00:28:48,766 - Come on... - okay? 726 00:28:48,767 --> 00:28:50,381 Honestly, just get the fuck away from me. 727 00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:52,553 - Can we just...? - Get the fuck away from me. 728 00:28:52,578 --> 00:28:54,225 - Let's just... - Get the fuck away from me. 729 00:28:54,261 --> 00:28:55,425 - What... Let's... - I'll fucking lay you out. 730 00:28:55,425 --> 00:28:58,161 Okay? I'll fucking lay you out. 731 00:28:59,027 --> 00:29:01,127 Go fucking do your fruity little comedy. 732 00:29:01,162 --> 00:29:02,862 [DISTANT SIREN BLARING] 733 00:29:02,897 --> 00:29:04,207 Piece o'shit. 734 00:29:09,403 --> 00:29:12,371 ? 735 00:29:16,409 --> 00:29:17,743 [LAUGHTER] 736 00:29:17,778 --> 00:29:20,278 ARTIE: Try as hard as you can not to do that again. 737 00:29:20,313 --> 00:29:21,910 [LAUGHTER] 738 00:29:22,190 --> 00:29:24,510 Uh, is anyone else having the time of their life? 739 00:29:24,545 --> 00:29:26,640 - I am... yeah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 740 00:29:27,782 --> 00:29:29,815 I don't know, I'm a gambler. That's why I dress like this. 741 00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:31,883 I... I, uh, I'm a degenerate gambler. 742 00:29:31,918 --> 00:29:33,370 I've been in show business for 30 years, 743 00:29:33,395 --> 00:29:34,786 I'm wearin' the same jacket I had on 744 00:29:34,821 --> 00:29:37,218 - at a Rush concert in 1981. - [LAUGHTER] 745 00:29:38,091 --> 00:29:39,691 I don't know how to help this guy. 746 00:29:39,726 --> 00:29:42,126 ARTIE: I... I... I bet on sports that I know nothing about, 747 00:29:42,161 --> 00:29:44,391 like the NBA. The NBA are a bunch of hypocrites. 748 00:29:44,454 --> 00:29:45,998 I don't think you can help him. 749 00:29:46,433 --> 00:29:49,700 I've been in the program a Lotta years, and... I can tell you, 750 00:29:49,735 --> 00:29:51,801 you can't make this choice for him. 751 00:29:52,618 --> 00:29:54,037 He's not ready to stop. 752 00:29:54,072 --> 00:29:55,472 [LAUGHTER] 753 00:29:55,508 --> 00:29:58,842 Eli Manning and Peyton Manning have a brother, Cooper Manning, okay? 754 00:29:58,878 --> 00:30:02,012 Cooper Manning sucks at quarterback, and he sells insurance. 755 00:30:02,039 --> 00:30:03,107 - [LAUGHS] - [LAUGHTER] 756 00:30:03,373 --> 00:30:05,378 That's a rough Thanksgiving for Cooper. 757 00:30:05,784 --> 00:30:06,850 Your father gets drunk and he goes, 758 00:30:06,885 --> 00:30:09,385 "Cooper, can you pass the gravy? Can you pass anything?" 759 00:30:09,420 --> 00:30:11,287 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 760 00:30:11,322 --> 00:30:13,056 It's a good time. This is what I do for a living. 761 00:30:13,091 --> 00:30:14,991 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 762 00:30:15,027 --> 00:30:17,894 ? The litebrite's now black and white ? 763 00:30:17,929 --> 00:30:22,565 ? 'Cause you took apart a picture that wasn't right ? 764 00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:26,201 ? Pitch burning on a shining sheet ? 765 00:30:26,236 --> 00:30:29,938 ? The only maker that you'd wanna meet ? 766 00:30:29,974 --> 00:30:33,542 ? The dying man in a living room ? 767 00:30:33,577 --> 00:30:37,312 ? Whose shadow paces the floor ? 768 00:30:37,347 --> 00:30:41,282 ? Who'll take you out in the open door ? 769 00:30:41,317 --> 00:30:44,185 ? This is not my life ? 770 00:30:44,220 --> 00:30:48,990 ? It's just fond farewell to a friend ? 771 00:30:49,025 --> 00:30:51,392 ? It's not what I'm like ? 772 00:30:51,427 --> 00:30:56,164 ? It's just a fond farewell to a friend ? 773 00:30:56,199 --> 00:30:59,766 ? Who couldn't get things right ? 774 00:30:59,802 --> 00:31:03,336 ? A fond farewell to a friend ? 775 00:31:07,843 --> 00:31:10,577 ? He said really I just wanna dance ? 776 00:31:10,612 --> 00:31:15,214 ? Good and evil matched perfect it's a great romance ? 777 00:31:15,249 --> 00:31:19,118 ? And I can deal with some psychic pain ? 778 00:31:19,153 --> 00:31:22,888 ? If it'll slow down my higher brain ? 779 00:31:22,924 --> 00:31:26,959 ? Veins full of disappearing ink ? 780 00:31:26,994 --> 00:31:30,929 ? Vomiting in the kitchen sink ? 781 00:31:30,964 --> 00:31:34,665 ? Disconnecting from the missing link ? 782 00:31:34,701 --> 00:31:37,501 ? This is not my life ? 783 00:31:37,537 --> 00:31:40,271 ? It's just a fond farewell to a friend ? 784 00:31:42,142 --> 00:31:44,909 ? It's not what I'm like ? 785 00:31:44,945 --> 00:31:47,612 ? It's just a fond farewell to a friend ? 786 00:31:47,662 --> 00:31:52,212 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 59815

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