All language subtitles for Crashing s02e04 Porter Got HBO.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,132 --> 00:00:01,334 What do you want? 2 00:00:01,391 --> 00:00:03,459 We can't have an old couples' argument. 3 00:00:03,459 --> 00:00:04,876 You have to pull your weight. 4 00:00:04,945 --> 00:00:06,626 You fucked my wife! 5 00:00:06,835 --> 00:00:07,768 Yes. 6 00:00:07,793 --> 00:00:09,543 But that doesn't help pay the bills. 7 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,793 Believe me, I wish it did. 8 00:00:11,543 --> 00:00:13,793 BILL BURR: How did you end up living with your arch nemesis? 9 00:00:13,793 --> 00:00:15,751 He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess. 10 00:00:15,751 --> 00:00:18,668 Oh! First you share a bed, then you share the same woman. 11 00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:22,001 Now, you're gonna share, what? Some soap and a chore wheel? 12 00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:23,797 MAN: I've seen you before, man. 13 00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:26,084 You did that set about your wife fucking another guy, right? 14 00:00:26,084 --> 00:00:27,084 Yeah, that was me. 15 00:00:27,084 --> 00:00:28,668 I would keep that shit to myself, man. 16 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:29,960 BURR: It's hurting you. 17 00:00:29,985 --> 00:00:32,167 I can see it. I don't hold shit in the way you do. 18 00:00:32,167 --> 00:00:33,751 You keep it bottled up, man. 19 00:00:33,751 --> 00:00:36,334 But seriously, dude, you gotta get outta here. 20 00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:39,793 Hey, buddy. 21 00:00:45,835 --> 00:00:47,876 [WIND CHIME TINKLING] 22 00:00:49,126 --> 00:00:51,167 [FAN WHIRRING] 23 00:01:05,996 --> 00:01:08,079 [WOMAN MOANING] 24 00:01:14,459 --> 00:01:15,832 [FAN CLICKS OFF] 25 00:01:16,251 --> 00:01:17,876 [WOMAN SIGHS] 26 00:01:17,876 --> 00:01:21,334 [WOMAN MOANING] 27 00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:22,391 [SCOFFS] 28 00:01:24,253 --> 00:01:25,631 [SIGHS] 29 00:01:26,793 --> 00:01:30,418 [WOMAN MOANING] 30 00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:35,251 [WOMAN SIGHS] 31 00:01:35,251 --> 00:01:37,835 [WOMAN MOANING] 32 00:01:37,835 --> 00:01:39,710 ? 33 00:01:43,710 --> 00:01:46,584 ? Found some letters ? 34 00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:49,209 ? You wrote me this morning ? 35 00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:51,251 Oh, yeah. 36 00:01:52,793 --> 00:01:57,562 ? They told of the love we once knew ? 37 00:01:58,226 --> 00:02:00,808 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 38 00:02:01,126 --> 00:02:03,876 ? Now they're gone ? 39 00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:09,876 ? I've burned them to ashes ? 40 00:02:09,876 --> 00:02:13,960 ? Don't want nothin' to remind me of you ? 41 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,022 Leif? 42 00:02:17,126 --> 00:02:18,710 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 43 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,710 Hey, come on in. Good morning, Peter. 44 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:25,543 Is it, uh... okay to come in? 45 00:02:25,543 --> 00:02:27,623 Of course. Papaya? 46 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,065 Ah, sure. 47 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,383 Is this how you do it? [LAUGHS] 48 00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:33,499 Do what? 49 00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:35,733 Sorry to be a snoop, but... 50 00:02:36,904 --> 00:02:39,634 it kind of sounded like you were getting down and dirty last night. 51 00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:42,198 [LAUGHS] Ah. You dirty dog. 52 00:02:42,759 --> 00:02:44,800 Listening to the sounds that love makes, huh? 53 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,634 I know it's a little bit weird to say, it's not like I tried. 54 00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,283 I just... you know, I heard it. 55 00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:51,759 You are... I mean, Herculean. 56 00:02:51,759 --> 00:02:53,759 - Oh. - I... I don't know how else to put it. 57 00:02:53,759 --> 00:02:56,258 I'm more of a three creaks and a pass out kind of guy. 58 00:02:56,258 --> 00:02:59,383 I've never had that sort of Olympic fervor. 59 00:03:04,091 --> 00:03:05,258 Jess? 60 00:03:06,550 --> 00:03:08,675 [SIGHS] Hey, Pete. 61 00:03:08,675 --> 00:03:09,907 How are you? 62 00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,007 Did you just now arrive, or...? 63 00:03:14,884 --> 00:03:16,175 - No. - LEIF: No. 64 00:03:19,884 --> 00:03:22,396 That was... [STAMMERING] 65 00:03:24,342 --> 00:03:25,592 Oh, fuck. 66 00:03:25,592 --> 00:03:29,342 I really don't want to do this again, right now. 67 00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:30,753 - Oh! - You don't have to. 68 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,258 I could hear... I could hear you guys. 69 00:03:32,258 --> 00:03:34,133 I was down there... I was... I was... 70 00:03:34,324 --> 00:03:36,091 Leif and I are friends. 71 00:03:36,989 --> 00:03:38,845 Fuck friends, sex friends, you fuck. 72 00:03:38,845 --> 00:03:40,386 Is that it, fuck buddies? 73 00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:43,886 Jess and I found a very respectful way to use each other. 74 00:03:43,886 --> 00:03:45,386 Are you serious? 75 00:03:45,386 --> 00:03:47,803 We're not even having, like, a real relationship. 76 00:03:47,803 --> 00:03:49,469 It's really... It's purely physical. 77 00:03:49,469 --> 00:03:51,594 Yeah. If anything, it's way better, Peter. 78 00:03:51,594 --> 00:03:54,928 We can give each other what the other needs by just asking. 79 00:03:54,928 --> 00:03:58,532 She can give me her deepest and her darkest without any shame. 80 00:03:58,761 --> 00:04:01,261 It's pretty wonderful, man. Total liberation. 81 00:04:01,261 --> 00:04:03,053 And I'm giving it to her for... 82 00:04:03,053 --> 00:04:05,095 [BLENDER WHIRRING] 83 00:04:10,095 --> 00:04:11,845 ? 84 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,354 Whether you want to admit it or not, 85 00:04:15,386 --> 00:04:17,497 Leif is a very, very, 86 00:04:17,522 --> 00:04:20,011 very supportive friend. 87 00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:23,511 And he's been supportive of you through everything, and of me. 88 00:04:23,511 --> 00:04:26,138 Like, he has really been there, you know that. 89 00:04:27,043 --> 00:04:30,448 He's just a safe space for me. 90 00:04:31,678 --> 00:04:33,393 He's just a true friend. 91 00:04:33,702 --> 00:04:36,243 Pete, we really wanted to tell you sooner. 92 00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:39,493 I'm sorry that we didn't, like, that... that was wrong. 93 00:04:39,788 --> 00:04:41,735 But are you seriously telling me that you haven't 94 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,371 gotten lonely at all during all of this? 95 00:04:43,371 --> 00:04:46,329 Or like, I don't know, dropped your good-boy routine 96 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,646 long enough to get into something that's... none of my business? 97 00:04:51,827 --> 00:04:53,702 - Well, maybe one or two. - Okay. 98 00:04:53,913 --> 00:04:56,011 - But I... - So that's... that's a good thing. 99 00:04:56,036 --> 00:04:57,217 Okay. 100 00:04:58,013 --> 00:04:59,469 I'll find a way... 101 00:05:00,158 --> 00:05:01,457 I can find a way to... 102 00:05:01,783 --> 00:05:05,071 put this outside my brain. 103 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:07,742 I can get my mind around this, 104 00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:10,658 if you just give me a little patience. 105 00:05:11,386 --> 00:05:13,012 I think it could be very cool 106 00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,717 if we, you know, tried to spend some time together. 107 00:05:16,137 --> 00:05:17,317 I don't know. 108 00:05:17,595 --> 00:05:20,303 Yeah. I'd... I'd like that. 109 00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:21,909 I'd like that, too. 110 00:05:22,470 --> 00:05:25,470 ? When I was yours and you were mine ? 111 00:05:25,470 --> 00:05:27,303 ? And I didn't have to wait on line ? 112 00:05:27,303 --> 00:05:31,259 - Great live comedy show. - ? For you to call, call, call, call me ? 113 00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:35,345 Got a great live show tonight. 114 00:05:35,345 --> 00:05:38,553 ? Taking all the time you need ? 115 00:05:38,553 --> 00:05:39,595 [SIGHS] 116 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,275 What's going on? 117 00:05:48,362 --> 00:05:49,272 [SIGHS] 118 00:05:49,297 --> 00:05:50,986 So you didn't hear about Porter, did you? 119 00:05:51,363 --> 00:05:53,655 No. Is... Is everything okay? 120 00:05:55,139 --> 00:05:57,246 - Did something happen to him? - [SIGHS] 121 00:05:59,322 --> 00:06:00,600 [CLAPS] 122 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,256 Porter got HBO. 123 00:06:06,446 --> 00:06:07,696 What... [STAMMERS] 124 00:06:07,731 --> 00:06:09,356 Whitney Cummings has this new TV showcase, 125 00:06:09,356 --> 00:06:11,696 and she pretty much plucked him to be 126 00:06:11,727 --> 00:06:14,297 the next generation of standup comics. 127 00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:18,939 - What? Are you... Really? - Yeah. 128 00:06:18,939 --> 00:06:20,189 - JASON: Yeah. - Whitney Cummings? 129 00:06:20,189 --> 00:06:21,273 JASON: Whitney Cummings. 130 00:06:21,273 --> 00:06:24,106 - Came... to the... to the Boston? - Right here. 131 00:06:24,106 --> 00:06:27,388 And she booked... She booked Por... Porter, our Porter? 132 00:06:27,413 --> 00:06:28,340 Yep. 133 00:06:28,365 --> 00:06:30,326 Apparently she was wearing a wool beanie. 134 00:06:30,375 --> 00:06:33,404 [STAMMERS] If I had known she was here, I would've done... 135 00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:36,700 you know, like, a TV, like, an HBO set, but... 136 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,199 - Mmm-hmm. - What the fuck did Porter do? 137 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,075 He goes up, he's full... 138 00:06:41,583 --> 00:06:43,533 - What was she on, bath salts? - I don't know. 139 00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:46,700 Fuck him! Talentless piece of shit. 140 00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:48,116 They book fucking cheese! 141 00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,451 He can't even follow me. 142 00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,264 How does he expect to follow Whitney Cummings? 143 00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:52,309 He's a gnome! 144 00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,032 I'm sorry, but he's not... 145 00:06:54,032 --> 00:06:56,157 Oh, Porter! 146 00:06:56,157 --> 00:06:59,203 - [CHEERING] - Way to go, buddy! 147 00:07:00,366 --> 00:07:02,366 ? 148 00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:07,616 I can't believe it, man. You got signed by 3 Arts? 149 00:07:07,616 --> 00:07:09,032 - Yeah, dude. - Man, that's so awesome. 150 00:07:09,032 --> 00:07:11,616 - Yeah. - They rep everybody. It's crazy. 151 00:07:11,616 --> 00:07:13,700 Might be tough to get them on the phone, by the way. 152 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,257 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - I'm so ha... That's amazing. 153 00:07:16,725 --> 00:07:20,032 I mean, all of this, it's happening so fast. 154 00:07:20,032 --> 00:07:22,821 - When did you find out? - About a week ago. 155 00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:25,199 - JULIA: Wow. - Porter, you've known 156 00:07:25,199 --> 00:07:27,366 for a week and you didn't tell us? 157 00:07:27,366 --> 00:07:29,167 I mean, we were barking two nights ago. 158 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,533 I didn't think you guys would care. 159 00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:33,533 - RUSSELL: Come on, we... - JULIA: Of course we care. 160 00:07:33,533 --> 00:07:35,491 Of course... I feel like I got it. 161 00:07:35,491 --> 00:07:38,116 The way that I feel how good it is that you got it. 162 00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:39,199 - Thank you. - Yeah. 163 00:07:39,199 --> 00:07:40,741 Congrats, man. You deserve it. 164 00:07:40,741 --> 00:07:42,262 PORTER: Thank you. I think you mean it. 165 00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,223 I do. 166 00:07:44,658 --> 00:07:46,324 It's just so weird, man. 167 00:07:46,324 --> 00:07:48,282 Is it? It's not that weird. It's definitely not. 168 00:07:48,282 --> 00:07:50,074 I mean, it's kind of what we're here to do. 169 00:07:50,074 --> 00:07:51,658 - It's what we're doing. - Okay. 170 00:07:51,658 --> 00:07:54,574 Did you tell your parents? I mean, that's a happy call to make, right? 171 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,081 Yeah, actually, my dad said, 172 00:07:56,105 --> 00:07:58,147 "Hey, I'm going to come back from wherever I've been 173 00:07:58,147 --> 00:08:00,865 for the last 10 years, and we'll start fishing every Friday." 174 00:08:00,865 --> 00:08:03,902 - [LAUGHTER] - RUSSELL: Classic Porter! 175 00:08:03,971 --> 00:08:05,471 You know, you sure you're ready? 176 00:08:05,471 --> 00:08:06,971 Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. 177 00:08:06,971 --> 00:08:08,471 I'm sure I'm ready. I'm mean, 178 00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:10,746 Whitney wouldn't have booked me if I wasn't ready. 179 00:08:10,771 --> 00:08:12,771 - Yeah. - All right. Cool. 180 00:08:12,971 --> 00:08:14,846 Um, I don't know... [STAMMERS] 181 00:08:14,846 --> 00:08:18,094 I'm just saying, I mean, you don't want to jump in this, this too soon. 182 00:08:20,179 --> 00:08:23,231 I see what's fucking happening here. You're jealous. 183 00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:25,013 - No. - No. 184 00:08:25,013 --> 00:08:27,179 - You're jealous of me! - RUSSELL: We're not jealous. 185 00:08:27,179 --> 00:08:29,179 I knew this shit was going to happen, but I didn't know 186 00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:30,804 it was going to happen this fast. 187 00:08:30,804 --> 00:08:32,810 Look at this. You can't even 188 00:08:32,835 --> 00:08:34,888 pretend to be happy for me 189 00:08:34,888 --> 00:08:36,763 - for a second. - We can pretend. 190 00:08:36,763 --> 00:08:38,888 No, no, no! I can't take this negativity! 191 00:08:38,888 --> 00:08:41,512 None of you are coming to the taping! None of you! 192 00:08:41,512 --> 00:08:43,679 - Except for Pete. - What? 193 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,345 Because Pete is a good guy, and I trust him, 194 00:08:46,345 --> 00:08:49,637 and I know that he is actually truly happy for me. 195 00:08:50,009 --> 00:08:51,471 - He is? - Are you? 196 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,554 [STAMMERS] I... you know. 197 00:08:53,554 --> 00:08:56,984 I would be honored to come. That sounds exciting. 198 00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:00,013 ? 199 00:09:02,296 --> 00:09:03,721 - PETE: These are good. - Yeah. 200 00:09:04,449 --> 00:09:06,094 Which is good, 'cause if you get food 201 00:09:06,095 --> 00:09:07,765 from a food truck that isn't good, 202 00:09:08,095 --> 00:09:10,763 if you go up to complain, they're like three blocks away. 203 00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:11,867 [CHUCKLES] 204 00:09:12,013 --> 00:09:14,526 Your jokes are funnier now that they're not my problem. 205 00:09:14,526 --> 00:09:15,894 [BOTH LAUGH] 206 00:09:16,691 --> 00:09:18,634 That's... that's funny. 207 00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:21,232 I gotta say, uh, this is 208 00:09:21,232 --> 00:09:23,232 a little surprising for me, you know. 209 00:09:23,822 --> 00:09:26,691 Last time I saw you, you were in a baptismal. 210 00:09:27,885 --> 00:09:30,425 Yeah, it didn't really go how I thought it would, but... 211 00:09:31,565 --> 00:09:33,566 I started seeing a therapist. 212 00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:35,804 Oh. 213 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,968 - That's great. - Mmm-hmm. 214 00:09:38,159 --> 00:09:41,367 I think that's, uh... you know, that's normal. 215 00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:43,314 That's, you know, nothing to be ashamed of. 216 00:09:44,408 --> 00:09:45,592 I know that. 217 00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:49,822 I didn't mean it like... 218 00:09:49,959 --> 00:09:53,211 I never figured out a healthy way to express my anger. 219 00:09:54,083 --> 00:09:56,229 I feel like you never did either. 220 00:09:56,709 --> 00:09:59,333 People always think, just because I'm like a cheery person, 221 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,041 that, like, I'm not... Like, I'm hiding something. 222 00:10:01,041 --> 00:10:04,333 Maybe I'm just, like, I am just happy, like, I'm a light person. 223 00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:06,375 - Really? - Yes, you know... Yes! 224 00:10:06,569 --> 00:10:07,869 Like a John Denver. 225 00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:10,849 My therapist thinks it's a good idea 226 00:10:10,887 --> 00:10:12,699 to scream at the subway as it goes by. 227 00:10:12,724 --> 00:10:14,939 You can't yell at the train, that's crazy. 228 00:10:16,121 --> 00:10:17,668 I've been doing it. 229 00:10:19,393 --> 00:10:20,455 You? 230 00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:22,643 You go onto the subway platform and scream and... 231 00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,774 - Yeah. - Strangers? Really? 232 00:10:24,799 --> 00:10:27,007 They don't care. There's so much insane stuff 233 00:10:27,007 --> 00:10:28,924 happening down there, it doesn't matter. 234 00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:31,919 So, what, uh... 235 00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:35,157 Leif just call you one day? 236 00:10:35,873 --> 00:10:37,131 I mean, how does that happen? 237 00:10:37,131 --> 00:10:38,548 I called him, actually. 238 00:10:38,964 --> 00:10:41,215 It's not like I have a million friends I can talk to, so. 239 00:10:41,215 --> 00:10:43,839 - What about the Gellings? - They're never around. 240 00:10:43,839 --> 00:10:46,585 - The Doughertys? - No, they stopped calling me. 241 00:10:46,843 --> 00:10:49,256 The Kallitsis? I lost 'em all in the divorce, Pete. 242 00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:52,245 But I lost 'em in the divorce. I assumed they were hanging out with you. 243 00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:54,942 - What? No. - They're hanging out with neither of us? 244 00:10:55,228 --> 00:10:57,520 I assumed you were hanging out with Michelle this whole time! 245 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,931 No, I don't hang out with Michelle. 246 00:10:58,931 --> 00:11:00,639 - Oh my God! - What is that? What? 247 00:11:00,639 --> 00:11:03,138 Oh my God! Oh my God. 248 00:11:03,138 --> 00:11:04,889 [THUNDER RUMBLES] Holy shit! 249 00:11:04,889 --> 00:11:06,568 Come on! Come on! 250 00:11:07,597 --> 00:11:09,449 Come on in here! Get in here! 251 00:11:10,639 --> 00:11:13,347 [PANTING] 252 00:11:13,347 --> 00:11:16,013 Oh my God. We just got so wet. 253 00:11:16,013 --> 00:11:17,486 It came out of nowhere. 254 00:11:17,931 --> 00:11:19,347 [DRYER WHIRRING] 255 00:11:19,347 --> 00:11:21,111 - Is that warm? - Yeah. 256 00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:23,205 [SIGHS] 257 00:11:25,097 --> 00:11:27,055 Ugh. I feel like a sewer rat. 258 00:11:28,305 --> 00:11:30,108 [BOTH LAUGHING] 259 00:11:30,305 --> 00:11:32,430 - It's crazy. - That was crazy. 260 00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:33,952 [LAUGHS] 261 00:11:34,374 --> 00:11:35,490 Oh, wow. 262 00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,389 I'm glad we did this, though. 263 00:11:37,389 --> 00:11:39,277 Yeah. Me too. 264 00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:43,189 Although, I'd rather be warm, at home, watching RuPaul's Drag Race. 265 00:11:44,733 --> 00:11:46,135 That sounds amazing. 266 00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:48,191 - Yeah? - Can we? 267 00:11:49,221 --> 00:11:50,677 Yeah, if you want to. 268 00:11:50,825 --> 00:11:53,284 ? 269 00:11:53,585 --> 00:11:57,168 Well, well, well, I hope you bitches are ready. 270 00:11:57,168 --> 00:11:59,429 Oh, shit. 271 00:12:01,877 --> 00:12:04,138 Oh my God, I'm obsessed with Bianca Del Rio. 272 00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:07,597 She's... she's a bitch, but that's... that's what we like. 273 00:12:09,388 --> 00:12:10,505 [LAUGHS] 274 00:12:12,978 --> 00:12:14,719 - Thin mint? - Ooh, frozen? 275 00:12:14,719 --> 00:12:16,093 [LAUGHS] Yeah, frozen. 276 00:12:16,093 --> 00:12:18,968 - Good. - Straight from the freeze, Mageeze. 277 00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:20,838 - Nice. - It's so good. 278 00:12:22,599 --> 00:12:23,535 What? 279 00:12:24,553 --> 00:12:25,594 Shit. 280 00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,005 What? 281 00:12:27,216 --> 00:12:28,617 The power went out. 282 00:12:29,474 --> 00:12:30,779 I can't even open the door. 283 00:12:34,093 --> 00:12:36,088 Yes. Yes. 284 00:12:36,469 --> 00:12:37,594 Wow. 285 00:12:37,594 --> 00:12:39,180 - Yes. - [CHUCKLES] 286 00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,010 - Carlsbad Caverns. - Mmm-hmm. 287 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,146 Aren't you glad I didn't sell this? 288 00:12:44,344 --> 00:12:45,826 I'm thrilled. 289 00:12:49,012 --> 00:12:51,365 - This isn't so bad. - Oh... 290 00:12:51,762 --> 00:12:53,692 - It's like olden times. - Yeah. 291 00:12:54,386 --> 00:12:57,261 We should talk about which, uh, which townsboy 292 00:12:57,261 --> 00:12:59,215 our 12-year-old daughter shall marry. 293 00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:00,442 [BOTH LAUGH] 294 00:13:01,419 --> 00:13:02,835 The price of butter. 295 00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:06,382 It's so quiet. 296 00:13:07,289 --> 00:13:08,468 You can just, like, 297 00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:11,430 hear all the sounds of the city. 298 00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:13,550 - Yeah. - It's crazy. 299 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,976 Look at us, I'm proud. I'm proud of us. 300 00:13:17,976 --> 00:13:19,310 - Yeah. - Right? 301 00:13:19,622 --> 00:13:20,770 Yeah, it's good. 302 00:13:35,143 --> 00:13:36,810 Pete, Pete! What are you doing? 303 00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:38,073 What do you mean? 304 00:13:38,226 --> 00:13:39,976 I don't want that with you. 305 00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:41,880 What do you mean? I thought... 306 00:13:42,143 --> 00:13:44,101 We're having fun. I thought maybe... 307 00:13:44,101 --> 00:13:46,059 No. I thought we were just hanging out. 308 00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,476 I... I don't... I think you'd like me now. 309 00:13:49,042 --> 00:13:51,769 Well, Pete, I'm, like, the last person you should be with. 310 00:13:52,019 --> 00:13:53,394 Emotionally. 311 00:13:53,394 --> 00:13:55,061 I don't think you're seeing me. 312 00:13:55,061 --> 00:13:57,365 - I... I am. - I don't think I... No. 313 00:13:57,815 --> 00:14:00,190 You're seeing who you were married to, but that guy... 314 00:14:00,652 --> 00:14:02,152 that guy's gone. 315 00:14:02,152 --> 00:14:04,175 I've... learned things, I've done things. 316 00:14:04,206 --> 00:14:05,660 I'm a man now. 317 00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:08,493 I can be your sex Sherpa. 318 00:14:08,623 --> 00:14:11,896 I can lead you up the mountain of ecstasy and... 319 00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:14,992 And swirl our souls into some sort of divine union. 320 00:14:14,992 --> 00:14:17,088 Pete, you're trying to use me. 321 00:14:17,301 --> 00:14:20,002 - I... Yes. Yes. - Okay, no. 322 00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,659 Let's... let's use each other. No. 323 00:14:21,659 --> 00:14:23,409 You said you and Leif use each other. 324 00:14:23,409 --> 00:14:25,371 I want to use you. I want you to use me. 325 00:14:25,826 --> 00:14:27,074 Just, trust me. 326 00:14:27,515 --> 00:14:29,155 No, Pete, this is nuts. 327 00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:30,803 Just... just-just... Just give me a kiss. 328 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,345 - Just one kiss, that's all I want. - No. 329 00:14:32,345 --> 00:14:36,182 RUPAUL: ...impress me and save yourselves, from elimination. 330 00:14:36,781 --> 00:14:37,820 [SIGHS] 331 00:14:38,072 --> 00:14:40,615 The time has come to lip-sync... 332 00:14:42,573 --> 00:14:44,947 for your life! 333 00:14:46,617 --> 00:14:48,323 And don't fuck it up. 334 00:14:48,323 --> 00:14:50,114 ? 335 00:14:52,156 --> 00:14:54,573 ? It is what it is ? 336 00:14:54,573 --> 00:14:56,841 - Okay, these two, go in. - Okay, thanks. 337 00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:59,490 ? Ain't what it ain't ? 338 00:15:01,781 --> 00:15:04,406 ? Oh, ho-ho-ho, hey ? 339 00:15:04,406 --> 00:15:07,072 ? It is what it is ? 340 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,531 ? Well, well, well, well, well, well, yeah ? 341 00:15:09,531 --> 00:15:11,822 ? Ain't what it ain't ? 342 00:15:14,615 --> 00:15:16,864 Hello. I'm, uh, I'm Pete Holmes. 343 00:15:16,864 --> 00:15:18,577 I'm here to see Porter Harris. 344 00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,822 All right, you're going to wear this. 345 00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,296 Down the hall, to your left. 346 00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,698 I'm a comedian. 347 00:15:25,698 --> 00:15:28,031 ? This time, baby ? 348 00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:31,864 ? I've been faithful lately ? 349 00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:35,615 ? And I've tried to stay out of your business ? 350 00:15:35,615 --> 00:15:37,906 ? I guess what they say is true ? 351 00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:39,843 ? It just is what it is ? 352 00:15:39,868 --> 00:15:40,822 Shit. 353 00:15:40,822 --> 00:15:44,114 ? What it is, what it is ? 354 00:15:45,947 --> 00:15:48,656 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] 355 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,114 Hey, there he is. 356 00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:51,947 - Oh, hey, hey, man. - What's going on? 357 00:15:51,947 --> 00:15:54,483 This is Emma. This is Mo. This is my friend Pete. 358 00:15:54,546 --> 00:15:56,638 - What's up, Pete? - Hey, what's up, man? 359 00:15:56,638 --> 00:15:58,388 Is this your buddy from out of town? 360 00:15:58,388 --> 00:16:00,513 Yeah, do you guys know... How do you guys know each other? 361 00:16:00,513 --> 00:16:03,388 - Did you grow up together? - We, uh... I'm Pete Holmes. 362 00:16:03,388 --> 00:16:05,138 I'm... I'm a comedian. 363 00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:06,930 I'm actually... I am shocked. 364 00:16:06,930 --> 00:16:09,037 I could've sworn you were his manager. 365 00:16:09,388 --> 00:16:11,365 There's no reps in the green room. 366 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:14,096 I'm not... I'm not a representative, no. 367 00:16:14,096 --> 00:16:16,096 Yeah, he's a representative of being my friend. 368 00:16:16,096 --> 00:16:17,471 - Uh, we're friends. - We're friends, 369 00:16:17,471 --> 00:16:19,930 - so he represents me in that way. - I got you, yeah. 370 00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,722 Ah, I take 10 percent of the fun. 371 00:16:21,722 --> 00:16:23,179 [LAUGHTER] 372 00:16:23,179 --> 00:16:26,972 I just... I'm excited for my friend. I'm excited for you guys. 373 00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:30,471 First time on TV, I mean, that's huge. 374 00:16:30,471 --> 00:16:33,096 All right. We're about five minutes out. 375 00:16:33,096 --> 00:16:34,263 Mo, you're up first. 376 00:16:34,263 --> 00:16:35,888 All right. Emma, you're next, 377 00:16:35,888 --> 00:16:37,096 - and then Porter. - Okay. 378 00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:38,346 All right, Mo, you ready to do this? 379 00:16:38,346 --> 00:16:40,722 You know this! Wu Tang, you know I'm ready! 380 00:16:40,722 --> 00:16:41,952 Wu Tang! 381 00:16:41,997 --> 00:16:44,015 Porter, I'm going to need to get you miked. 382 00:16:44,638 --> 00:16:46,888 That's s exciting, man. You're going to close. 383 00:16:46,888 --> 00:16:50,138 It's huge. You're the headliner of the show. 384 00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:52,771 You want to come with me, over to sound? 385 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,854 Yeah, of course. 386 00:16:56,138 --> 00:16:57,864 - Nice to meet you. - Yeah. 387 00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:02,737 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] 388 00:17:05,593 --> 00:17:08,824 What is up, New York City? 389 00:17:09,304 --> 00:17:11,990 [LOUD CHEERING] 390 00:17:12,471 --> 00:17:15,138 I have an amazing lineup for you guys tonight 391 00:17:15,138 --> 00:17:17,388 of all my favorite up-and-coming comedians. 392 00:17:17,388 --> 00:17:19,014 All right, just going to drop it down. 393 00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:20,763 WHITNEY: ...get to see them perform. 394 00:17:20,763 --> 00:17:23,172 Yeah. [SPUTTERING] 395 00:17:23,638 --> 00:17:25,805 [BABBLING] 396 00:17:25,805 --> 00:17:28,513 Do you remember that there was, like, a rumor 397 00:17:28,513 --> 00:17:30,360 going around for a while 398 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,930 that men like strong women? 399 00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:35,811 [LAUGHTER] 400 00:17:35,811 --> 00:17:37,168 No, they don't. 401 00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,550 Okay? I've seen porn. 402 00:17:40,749 --> 00:17:42,790 In porn, there's literally a menu on the side, 403 00:17:42,791 --> 00:17:45,407 it's like, "Girl on Girl," 404 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,833 uh, "College Girls." 405 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,249 There's no, like, "CEO." 406 00:17:49,249 --> 00:17:51,082 [LAUGHTER] 407 00:17:51,082 --> 00:17:54,249 "Bitch Who Pays Her Taxes on Time." 408 00:17:54,249 --> 00:17:55,916 [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] 409 00:17:55,916 --> 00:17:57,333 [WHITNEY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 410 00:17:57,333 --> 00:18:00,493 This is your dream, man. This is... It's incredible. 411 00:18:01,750 --> 00:18:03,291 [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY] 412 00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:07,625 [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] 413 00:18:09,291 --> 00:18:10,791 All right, how's that feel? 414 00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:12,833 It's great. It's great. It's no different than anything 415 00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:14,666 the government does to me every day. 416 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,457 Okay. Well, you're set. 417 00:18:17,458 --> 00:18:19,750 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 418 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,621 WHITNEY: This next comedian is one of my favorite people. 419 00:18:23,124 --> 00:18:24,374 Why am I wearing a jacket? 420 00:18:24,374 --> 00:18:26,458 Why am I wearing a jacket like this, I look like... 421 00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:29,166 I look like a guy dressed as the Penguin at the mall. 422 00:18:29,439 --> 00:18:30,855 You look great. 423 00:18:31,397 --> 00:18:33,281 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh good. All right. 424 00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:39,523 Is there... Is there somethin' weird with my beard? 425 00:18:40,258 --> 00:18:42,814 - Huh? What? - Does my beard look weird? 426 00:18:42,814 --> 00:18:45,397 Uh, weird? Weird beard? No. You're good. 427 00:18:45,397 --> 00:18:46,898 All right, I look good. I'm good. 428 00:18:46,898 --> 00:18:49,189 It's just a lot, I understand, you know, stressful. 429 00:18:49,189 --> 00:18:51,936 But, you know, it's not the beard, the beard's been with you... 430 00:18:51,936 --> 00:18:54,384 The beard is not weird. 431 00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:55,490 Yeah. 432 00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,755 I mean, you could... It's a little scraggly. 433 00:18:59,424 --> 00:19:00,701 Should I trim it? 434 00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:02,764 It couldn't hurt. 435 00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:05,242 I'm going to trim it. There's got to be someone 436 00:19:05,242 --> 00:19:07,019 around here who can help me trim this, right? 437 00:19:07,019 --> 00:19:08,311 Uh, yeah. 438 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:11,146 I really don't understand what all the hate's about, 439 00:19:11,171 --> 00:19:14,593 'cause Mohammed is the most popular name in the world. 440 00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:17,046 You know what's frustrating about that fact? 441 00:19:17,046 --> 00:19:20,524 I can't find one key chain with my name on it anywhere. [LAUGHTER] 442 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,867 Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola 443 00:19:22,892 --> 00:19:25,129 with me in America, not a single person. 444 00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:26,706 [LAUGHTER] 445 00:19:26,731 --> 00:19:28,378 I don't like to mess with beards. 446 00:19:28,378 --> 00:19:30,001 I feel like beards are very personal. 447 00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:31,688 Let me do it. Let me do it. I just don't want to look 448 00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:33,293 like a Wolfman on camera. Okay? 449 00:19:33,376 --> 00:19:36,709 [RAZOR BUZZING] 450 00:19:37,099 --> 00:19:38,204 Aw, shit. 451 00:19:38,705 --> 00:19:41,466 I am... I'm just trying to, like, even it out now. 452 00:19:41,466 --> 00:19:42,767 'Cause this is... 453 00:19:43,510 --> 00:19:45,434 Oh my God. Oh, what did I do? 454 00:19:45,843 --> 00:19:47,384 PETE: No, that's okay, that's a good start. 455 00:19:47,385 --> 00:19:49,468 I look like... I took a tablespoon out of it. 456 00:19:49,468 --> 00:19:51,135 That's fine. Let's just do it on the other side. 457 00:19:51,135 --> 00:19:52,927 - I can even it out. - Can you even this out? 458 00:19:52,927 --> 00:19:54,718 - Yeah, I can even it out. - Yeah, even it out, yeah. 459 00:19:54,718 --> 00:19:56,301 Don't hide behind your beard, you know? 460 00:19:56,301 --> 00:19:59,353 Oh, man, I didn't even know how popular it was 461 00:19:59,426 --> 00:20:02,426 until I watched the Egyptian soccer team. [LAUGHTER] 462 00:20:02,426 --> 00:20:05,385 Uh, yeah. I was, uh... They were showing a play-by-play, 463 00:20:05,385 --> 00:20:07,426 and the commentator comes on and he's like, 464 00:20:07,426 --> 00:20:10,921 Mohammed has the ball. Mohammed pass the ball to Mohammed. 465 00:20:11,097 --> 00:20:14,139 Mohammed to Achmed. Achmed to Hameda. 466 00:20:14,139 --> 00:20:15,556 Hameda to Mohammed. 467 00:20:15,556 --> 00:20:18,097 Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed. 468 00:20:18,097 --> 00:20:19,431 Mohammed to Mohammed. 469 00:20:19,431 --> 00:20:21,765 Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, 470 00:20:21,765 --> 00:20:24,453 Mohammed... goal! 471 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,608 [APPLAUDING, CHEERING] 472 00:20:28,146 --> 00:20:29,959 I look like I belong on Duck Dynasty. 473 00:20:30,505 --> 00:20:32,278 - No. I... Yeah. - That's kind of cool. 474 00:20:32,278 --> 00:20:34,862 No, it's not! They're famously racist! 475 00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:36,850 I can shave it a little more. Do you want me 476 00:20:36,875 --> 00:20:38,798 to just go a little more on the other side? 477 00:20:38,823 --> 00:20:40,263 I don't fucking believe it. 478 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,281 Whitney Cummings! 479 00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,517 - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] - Yeah! 480 00:20:45,808 --> 00:20:47,099 Aw, this looks great. 481 00:20:47,099 --> 00:20:49,307 This is how everyone is wearing their beards now. 482 00:20:49,307 --> 00:20:50,766 Idiots do this! 483 00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:52,224 An idiot would choose this! 484 00:20:52,224 --> 00:20:54,140 It's okay. It's... She's trying. 485 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,933 Who would go into a fucking barber shop 486 00:20:56,933 --> 00:21:00,441 and say, "Hey! I want to look all fucked up!" 487 00:21:00,535 --> 00:21:02,557 Why don't we do a goatee, then? 488 00:21:02,557 --> 00:21:04,558 We should just... Yeah. Yeah! 489 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,202 I always used to go back and forth with 490 00:21:06,228 --> 00:21:07,683 when I would say I was gay on stage, 491 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,808 'cause I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. 492 00:21:09,808 --> 00:21:11,849 But I make a point to always do it, 493 00:21:11,849 --> 00:21:13,974 because I don't want any of you guys sitting and wondering 494 00:21:13,974 --> 00:21:16,541 if I'm an awkward-lookin' straight girl, you know what I mean? 495 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:17,525 [LAUGHTER] Think how weird it 496 00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:19,829 would get in here if I was like, 497 00:21:19,854 --> 00:21:22,143 "Guys, I'm having problems with men." 498 00:21:22,474 --> 00:21:25,349 You'd be like, "Yeah, I'd fucking hope so. What the hell?" 499 00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:26,349 [LAUGHTER] 500 00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:31,849 I didn't even have a fucking chance to get my career started. 501 00:21:31,849 --> 00:21:33,974 You look like you sell vinyl, it's a hot look. 502 00:21:33,974 --> 00:21:36,015 I look like I watch porn on laser disc. 503 00:21:36,015 --> 00:21:39,140 I look like I watch porn after I'm done coming. 504 00:21:39,849 --> 00:21:41,943 - Mustache? - Do it. 505 00:21:42,391 --> 00:21:43,974 Like, the first time I was ever with someone 506 00:21:43,974 --> 00:21:46,541 that wanted me to hit them in the face sexually, 507 00:21:46,794 --> 00:21:48,052 I called my mom. 508 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,933 I left the situation, I called my mom, 509 00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:51,557 I said, "She wants me to hit her in the face," 510 00:21:51,557 --> 00:21:53,784 and my mom goes, "[GASPS] On a Tuesday"? 511 00:21:53,784 --> 00:21:55,992 [LAUGHTER] 512 00:21:56,409 --> 00:21:59,252 "If that's what she wants on a Tuesday, what'll happen on a Friday? 513 00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:00,755 You get out of there!" 514 00:22:04,868 --> 00:22:06,685 I'm fuckin' freaking out here. 515 00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:08,359 PETE: I like it. 516 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,484 I look like I have to announce who I am to the neighborhood. 517 00:22:10,484 --> 00:22:13,289 PRODUCER [OVER PA]: Porter Harris to the stage, please. You're on in five. 518 00:22:16,192 --> 00:22:18,234 I think you... I think you should take it off. 519 00:22:18,234 --> 00:22:19,923 - Want to take it off? - Just... 520 00:22:20,192 --> 00:22:21,901 Yeah, take it off! Get it off me! 521 00:22:21,901 --> 00:22:23,164 Get it off me! 522 00:22:23,912 --> 00:22:25,369 This is your fault. 523 00:22:25,369 --> 00:22:26,870 What are you talking about? 524 00:22:26,870 --> 00:22:29,745 Scraggly. You said my beard was scraggly. People like scraggly! 525 00:22:29,745 --> 00:22:31,244 It's not supposed to be about the beard. 526 00:22:31,244 --> 00:22:33,912 It's supposed to be about the material, not your facial hair. 527 00:22:33,912 --> 00:22:36,203 Oh, okay. Oh, so you're shitting on my material now. 528 00:22:36,203 --> 00:22:38,203 - Before I go on national television. - No! 529 00:22:38,203 --> 00:22:39,688 Are you fucking kidding me? 530 00:22:40,265 --> 00:22:41,425 It's just not for me. 531 00:22:41,495 --> 00:22:43,870 Well, maybe that's why I'm here, and you're not here. 532 00:22:43,870 --> 00:22:46,037 Because you don't have the edge. Right? 'Cause you don't want... 533 00:22:46,037 --> 00:22:48,411 It's not edge. I've never seen you do a joke the same way twice. 534 00:22:48,411 --> 00:22:51,037 - Have you ever written anything down? - It's called being free. 535 00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,286 - It's not being free! - I'm riffing! 536 00:22:52,286 --> 00:22:53,870 This is supposed to be a reward for hard work. 537 00:22:53,870 --> 00:22:56,620 You're just fucking getting drunk and sliding your way through! 538 00:22:56,620 --> 00:22:58,995 Are you fucking kidding me, you're doing this to me right now? 539 00:22:58,995 --> 00:23:01,134 A couple beard jokes aren't going to make or break 540 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,453 what you do out there. 541 00:23:02,453 --> 00:23:05,474 My beard, I shaved it. I shaved off my opener! 542 00:23:05,499 --> 00:23:06,541 Fuck! 543 00:23:06,616 --> 00:23:08,189 Come on, come on. Let's go. Let's go. 544 00:23:08,409 --> 00:23:09,529 Porter... 545 00:23:09,783 --> 00:23:12,866 He just shined like a diamond in the rough. 546 00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:15,444 Uh, kind of, more like a diamond covered in 547 00:23:15,621 --> 00:23:17,012 red pubes, you'll see. 548 00:23:17,037 --> 00:23:19,996 Please welcome, Porter Harris! 549 00:23:20,143 --> 00:23:23,352 [APPLAUDING, CHEERING] 550 00:23:37,351 --> 00:23:38,672 Hey. Um... 551 00:23:41,102 --> 00:23:43,269 Hey, New York City. 552 00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,736 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Yeah. 553 00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,726 Uh... 554 00:23:49,088 --> 00:23:51,255 Aw, man. Um... 555 00:23:51,607 --> 00:23:52,550 Uh... 556 00:23:53,619 --> 00:23:55,380 I just feel... I'm so uncomfortable. 557 00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:58,072 I had a... I had a beard, 558 00:23:58,922 --> 00:24:00,839 like, 30 minutes ago. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 559 00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:03,005 And then my friend, a piece of shit... 560 00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,372 [LAUGHTER] 561 00:24:04,397 --> 00:24:06,452 ...convinced me that I should shave it. 562 00:24:07,125 --> 00:24:09,714 And I did, I shaved off my beard, 563 00:24:09,714 --> 00:24:12,672 before walking on stage, just now. 564 00:24:12,672 --> 00:24:16,659 Uh, and I have two to four minutes of beard material 565 00:24:17,797 --> 00:24:20,547 that is now useless, so... 566 00:24:20,547 --> 00:24:21,532 [LAUGHTER] 567 00:24:21,557 --> 00:24:23,392 Should I still do it? 568 00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:25,898 - AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Should I do my beard jokes? 569 00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,519 Can you just imagine it? 570 00:24:28,172 --> 00:24:30,756 It's not hard, there's so many of me now. 571 00:24:30,756 --> 00:24:34,464 I mean, I sort of look like a pedophile 572 00:24:34,464 --> 00:24:36,881 who makes locally sourced artisanal candy. 573 00:24:36,881 --> 00:24:39,130 - [LAUGHTER] - Now I still kind of look like one. 574 00:24:39,130 --> 00:24:41,130 But imagine if I had a beard. 575 00:24:41,130 --> 00:24:44,339 'Cause then you're just like, "I can't see all of his lips." 576 00:24:44,339 --> 00:24:46,422 "What do they do?" They lick children. 577 00:24:46,422 --> 00:24:48,005 - [LAUGHTER] - And I'll tell you something else. 578 00:24:48,435 --> 00:24:49,839 There were a lot of people that were upset 579 00:24:49,839 --> 00:24:52,922 about that live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. 580 00:24:53,233 --> 00:24:56,547 - And not just because it sucked. - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 581 00:24:56,547 --> 00:24:59,855 But because it had a gay couple in it. 582 00:25:00,078 --> 00:25:02,005 Which I think is, like, weird, 583 00:25:02,005 --> 00:25:04,800 because the movie is about 584 00:25:04,825 --> 00:25:07,380 an anemic British girl 585 00:25:07,562 --> 00:25:10,297 just getting gaped by a werepit. 586 00:25:10,297 --> 00:25:12,714 Like, it's literally just... [BELLOWING] 587 00:25:12,714 --> 00:25:14,631 [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: Thank you, thank you so much. 588 00:25:14,631 --> 00:25:15,714 [BELLOWING] 589 00:25:15,714 --> 00:25:18,297 He's got one of those, like, bear penises 590 00:25:18,297 --> 00:25:20,339 with the guard hairs on it, just... 591 00:25:20,339 --> 00:25:23,714 - [BELLOWING] - [LAUGHTER] 592 00:25:24,031 --> 00:25:26,000 The clock's just watching. 593 00:25:27,031 --> 00:25:29,350 His little minute hand sticking out. 594 00:25:29,375 --> 00:25:30,875 [LAUGHTER] 595 00:25:31,156 --> 00:25:33,936 Little pervert clock, all they do is watch. 596 00:25:34,864 --> 00:25:37,697 [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] 597 00:25:37,697 --> 00:25:40,364 ? 598 00:25:46,239 --> 00:25:47,949 [QUIETLY]: Shit, he's funny. 599 00:25:49,437 --> 00:25:53,104 - Thank you, guys. That's my time. - [APPLAUDING, CHEERING] 600 00:25:53,104 --> 00:25:55,123 Honestly, thank you so much. Thank you. 601 00:25:55,148 --> 00:25:56,521 This is... this is crazy. 602 00:25:56,521 --> 00:25:59,979 [APPLAUDING, CHEERING] 603 00:26:01,162 --> 00:26:03,813 How great is Porter Harris! 604 00:26:03,813 --> 00:26:06,479 [LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING] 605 00:26:09,021 --> 00:26:11,979 Wow. It's a crazy feeling. I feel like I'm on coke. 606 00:26:11,979 --> 00:26:13,938 That was incredible. You did great. 607 00:26:13,938 --> 00:26:16,418 Yeah. Yeah, and I got you to thank for this, man. 608 00:26:16,856 --> 00:26:19,353 See, I told you, you're not funny because of your beard. 609 00:26:19,353 --> 00:26:21,353 No. You said that I wasn't funny, period. 610 00:26:21,353 --> 00:26:23,253 So, I just went out there, and I just 611 00:26:23,278 --> 00:26:25,331 had to prove that you are an asshole. 612 00:26:25,687 --> 00:26:27,800 And I did. You're an asshole. 613 00:26:30,061 --> 00:26:31,476 That was so good! 614 00:26:31,709 --> 00:26:33,854 So, so, so good! 615 00:26:33,854 --> 00:26:36,520 What did I tell you? What did I tell you? 616 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,145 I know. I know. I know. 617 00:26:38,145 --> 00:26:39,497 - So good! - What did you tell him? 618 00:26:39,895 --> 00:26:41,073 Oh... uh... 619 00:26:41,471 --> 00:26:42,846 I'm his friend Pete. 620 00:26:42,884 --> 00:26:45,196 - Hi. Okay. - I'm a comedian. 621 00:26:45,221 --> 00:26:47,013 Hey, Porter, we gotta de-wire you. 622 00:26:47,013 --> 00:26:49,262 - Hey, thank you again. I could skip. - That was awesome. 623 00:26:49,262 --> 00:26:50,721 - Oh my God. - Great... great job. 624 00:26:50,721 --> 00:26:52,137 He did so good. I knew it. I knew it. 625 00:26:52,137 --> 00:26:54,942 - So, so, so, so good. - Oh my God, so good. 626 00:26:54,942 --> 00:26:56,088 So good. 627 00:26:56,089 --> 00:26:58,829 I actually work the Boston, where you saw him. 628 00:26:58,854 --> 00:27:00,729 - Oh, okay. - It's kind of my home club. 629 00:27:00,729 --> 00:27:03,771 - Oh. - Did you see me perform, or...? 630 00:27:03,771 --> 00:27:05,270 - I'm just... I'm sorry to bug you. - Oh... 631 00:27:05,270 --> 00:27:07,312 Did you... I'd love some feedback. 632 00:27:07,312 --> 00:27:10,349 Oh, um... No, I don't think I saw you. 633 00:27:10,368 --> 00:27:12,407 I was in and out, and I... phone... 634 00:27:12,432 --> 00:27:13,807 Oh, you got up during the show? 635 00:27:13,807 --> 00:27:15,515 Yeah, I was, like, going back... You know how it is. 636 00:27:15,515 --> 00:27:18,545 Did I go, "Uh, madam, the bathroom's that way." Did I do that? 637 00:27:19,765 --> 00:27:21,890 You know, I have to go. 638 00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,474 Um, just for the picture thing, so... 639 00:27:23,499 --> 00:27:24,912 While I have you, while I have you, sorry... 640 00:27:24,937 --> 00:27:25,934 Huh? Mm-hm? 641 00:27:25,959 --> 00:27:28,814 Um, can you just... What was it about him? 642 00:27:28,839 --> 00:27:30,474 What made him stand out? 643 00:27:30,534 --> 00:27:32,596 Oh. Well, you know, he's just got this thing, 644 00:27:32,621 --> 00:27:35,265 it's so cliche to say, but he's just got this, like, star quality. 645 00:27:35,265 --> 00:27:37,213 Some people are just born with it, you know? 646 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:39,765 Or maybe they get it later, I don't know. 647 00:27:39,765 --> 00:27:42,473 I don't think so. I don't think that's a thing. 648 00:27:42,734 --> 00:27:44,442 I think it's just an inherent th... 649 00:27:44,442 --> 00:27:45,827 You know, one time my manager told me 650 00:27:45,860 --> 00:27:49,457 that stars are people that everyone wants to be friends with. 651 00:27:49,985 --> 00:27:52,151 Does that make sense? You just want to be around them. 652 00:27:52,175 --> 00:27:55,935 So, anyway, um... I'm going to... 653 00:27:55,959 --> 00:27:58,613 It was so nice to meet you. I'll see you around. 654 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:00,448 Hi, everybody! 655 00:28:00,473 --> 00:28:02,120 [CHEERING] 656 00:28:12,829 --> 00:28:16,334 ? Nobody likes you, nobody cares ? 657 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:20,707 ? Nobody wants you, nobody cares ? 658 00:28:21,093 --> 00:28:24,672 ? To extend a greeting, a connecting glance ? 659 00:28:24,696 --> 00:28:27,462 ? Life is just a jaded game to them ? 660 00:28:27,485 --> 00:28:30,234 ? They won't give it a chance ? 661 00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:35,500 ? But you know and I know ? 662 00:28:35,524 --> 00:28:37,524 [SCREAMING] 663 00:28:43,641 --> 00:28:46,395 ? Freedom is free ? 664 00:28:46,419 --> 00:28:50,159 ? And you can't take that away from me ? 665 00:28:52,518 --> 00:28:55,604 ? You got your guns up on display ? 666 00:28:55,628 --> 00:28:59,566 ? But you can't control how I feel, no way ? 667 00:28:59,824 --> 00:29:02,474 ? 'Cause freedom is free ? 668 00:29:05,246 --> 00:29:07,246 ? And that's the way it's always going to be ? 669 00:29:07,270 --> 00:29:10,211 ? Freedom is free ? 670 00:29:10,617 --> 00:29:14,809 ? And no amount of negativity can put a dent in me ? 671 00:29:14,859 --> 00:29:19,409 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 49255

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