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1
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What do you want?
2
00:00:01,391 --> 00:00:03,459
We can't have an old couples' argument.
3
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You have to pull your weight.
4
00:00:04,945 --> 00:00:06,626
You fucked my wife!
5
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Yes.
6
00:00:07,793 --> 00:00:09,543
But that doesn't help pay the bills.
7
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,793
Believe me, I wish it did.
8
00:00:11,543 --> 00:00:13,793
BILL BURR: How did you end up
living with your arch nemesis?
9
00:00:13,793 --> 00:00:15,751
He's a hard guy to stay mad at, I guess.
10
00:00:15,751 --> 00:00:18,668
Oh! First you share a bed,
then you share the same woman.
11
00:00:18,668 --> 00:00:22,001
Now, you're gonna share, what?
Some soap and a chore wheel?
12
00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:23,797
MAN: I've seen you before, man.
13
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:26,084
You did that set about your
wife fucking another guy, right?
14
00:00:26,084 --> 00:00:27,084
Yeah, that was me.
15
00:00:27,084 --> 00:00:28,668
I would keep that shit to myself, man.
16
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:29,960
BURR: It's hurting you.
17
00:00:29,985 --> 00:00:32,167
I can see it. I don't hold
shit in the way you do.
18
00:00:32,167 --> 00:00:33,751
You keep it bottled up, man.
19
00:00:33,751 --> 00:00:36,334
But seriously, dude,
you gotta get outta here.
20
00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:39,793
Hey, buddy.
21
00:00:45,835 --> 00:00:47,876
[WIND CHIME TINKLING]
22
00:00:49,126 --> 00:00:51,167
[FAN WHIRRING]
23
00:01:05,996 --> 00:01:08,079
[WOMAN MOANING]
24
00:01:14,459 --> 00:01:15,832
[FAN CLICKS OFF]
25
00:01:16,251 --> 00:01:17,876
[WOMAN SIGHS]
26
00:01:17,876 --> 00:01:21,334
[WOMAN MOANING]
27
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[SCOFFS]
28
00:01:24,253 --> 00:01:25,631
[SIGHS]
29
00:01:26,793 --> 00:01:30,418
[WOMAN MOANING]
30
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[WOMAN SIGHS]
31
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[WOMAN MOANING]
32
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?
33
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? Found some letters ?
34
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:49,209
? You wrote me this morning ?
35
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:51,251
Oh, yeah.
36
00:01:52,793 --> 00:01:57,562
? They told of the love we once knew ?
37
00:01:58,226 --> 00:02:00,808
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:02:01,126 --> 00:02:03,876
? Now they're gone ?
39
00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:09,876
? I've burned them to ashes ?
40
00:02:09,876 --> 00:02:13,960
? Don't want nothin'
to remind me of you ?
41
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,022
Leif?
42
00:02:17,126 --> 00:02:18,710
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
43
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,710
Hey, come on in. Good morning, Peter.
44
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:25,543
Is it, uh... okay to come in?
45
00:02:25,543 --> 00:02:27,623
Of course. Papaya?
46
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,065
Ah, sure.
47
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,383
Is this how you do it? [LAUGHS]
48
00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:33,499
Do what?
49
00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:35,733
Sorry to be a snoop, but...
50
00:02:36,904 --> 00:02:39,634
it kind of sounded like you were
getting down and dirty last night.
51
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:42,198
[LAUGHS] Ah. You dirty dog.
52
00:02:42,759 --> 00:02:44,800
Listening to the sounds
that love makes, huh?
53
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,634
I know it's a little bit weird
to say, it's not like I tried.
54
00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,283
I just... you know, I heard it.
55
00:02:49,383 --> 00:02:51,759
You are... I mean, Herculean.
56
00:02:51,759 --> 00:02:53,759
- Oh.
- I... I don't know how else to put it.
57
00:02:53,759 --> 00:02:56,258
I'm more of a three creaks
and a pass out kind of guy.
58
00:02:56,258 --> 00:02:59,383
I've never had that sort of Olympic fervor.
59
00:03:04,091 --> 00:03:05,258
Jess?
60
00:03:06,550 --> 00:03:08,675
[SIGHS] Hey, Pete.
61
00:03:08,675 --> 00:03:09,907
How are you?
62
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,007
Did you just now arrive, or...?
63
00:03:14,884 --> 00:03:16,175
- No.
- LEIF: No.
64
00:03:19,884 --> 00:03:22,396
That was... [STAMMERING]
65
00:03:24,342 --> 00:03:25,592
Oh, fuck.
66
00:03:25,592 --> 00:03:29,342
I really don't want to
do this again, right now.
67
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:30,753
- Oh!
- You don't have to.
68
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,258
I could hear... I could hear you guys.
69
00:03:32,258 --> 00:03:34,133
I was down there... I was... I was...
70
00:03:34,324 --> 00:03:36,091
Leif and I are friends.
71
00:03:36,989 --> 00:03:38,845
Fuck friends, sex friends, you fuck.
72
00:03:38,845 --> 00:03:40,386
Is that it, fuck buddies?
73
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:43,886
Jess and I found a very
respectful way to use each other.
74
00:03:43,886 --> 00:03:45,386
Are you serious?
75
00:03:45,386 --> 00:03:47,803
We're not even having,
like, a real relationship.
76
00:03:47,803 --> 00:03:49,469
It's really... It's purely physical.
77
00:03:49,469 --> 00:03:51,594
Yeah. If anything, it's way better, Peter.
78
00:03:51,594 --> 00:03:54,928
We can give each other what
the other needs by just asking.
79
00:03:54,928 --> 00:03:58,532
She can give me her deepest and
her darkest without any shame.
80
00:03:58,761 --> 00:04:01,261
It's pretty wonderful,
man. Total liberation.
81
00:04:01,261 --> 00:04:03,053
And I'm giving it to her for...
82
00:04:03,053 --> 00:04:05,095
[BLENDER WHIRRING]
83
00:04:10,095 --> 00:04:11,845
?
84
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,354
Whether you want to admit it or not,
85
00:04:15,386 --> 00:04:17,497
Leif is a very, very,
86
00:04:17,522 --> 00:04:20,011
very supportive friend.
87
00:04:20,011 --> 00:04:23,511
And he's been supportive of you
through everything, and of me.
88
00:04:23,511 --> 00:04:26,138
Like, he has really been
there, you know that.
89
00:04:27,043 --> 00:04:30,448
He's just a safe space for me.
90
00:04:31,678 --> 00:04:33,393
He's just a true friend.
91
00:04:33,702 --> 00:04:36,243
Pete, we really wanted to tell you sooner.
92
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:39,493
I'm sorry that we didn't,
like, that... that was wrong.
93
00:04:39,788 --> 00:04:41,735
But are you seriously
telling me that you haven't
94
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,371
gotten lonely at all during all of this?
95
00:04:43,371 --> 00:04:46,329
Or like, I don't know,
dropped your good-boy routine
96
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,646
long enough to get into something
that's... none of my business?
97
00:04:51,827 --> 00:04:53,702
- Well, maybe one or two.
- Okay.
98
00:04:53,913 --> 00:04:56,011
- But I...
- So that's... that's a good thing.
99
00:04:56,036 --> 00:04:57,217
Okay.
100
00:04:58,013 --> 00:04:59,469
I'll find a way...
101
00:05:00,158 --> 00:05:01,457
I can find a way to...
102
00:05:01,783 --> 00:05:05,071
put this outside my brain.
103
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:07,742
I can get my mind around this,
104
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:10,658
if you just give me a little patience.
105
00:05:11,386 --> 00:05:13,012
I think it could be very cool
106
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:15,717
if we, you know, tried to
spend some time together.
107
00:05:16,137 --> 00:05:17,317
I don't know.
108
00:05:17,595 --> 00:05:20,303
Yeah. I'd... I'd like that.
109
00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:21,909
I'd like that, too.
110
00:05:22,470 --> 00:05:25,470
? When I was yours and you were mine ?
111
00:05:25,470 --> 00:05:27,303
? And I didn't have to wait on line ?
112
00:05:27,303 --> 00:05:31,259
- Great live comedy show.
- ? For you to call, call, call, call me ?
113
00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:35,345
Got a great live show tonight.
114
00:05:35,345 --> 00:05:38,553
? Taking all the time you need ?
115
00:05:38,553 --> 00:05:39,595
[SIGHS]
116
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,275
What's going on?
117
00:05:48,362 --> 00:05:49,272
[SIGHS]
118
00:05:49,297 --> 00:05:50,986
So you didn't hear about Porter, did you?
119
00:05:51,363 --> 00:05:53,655
No. Is... Is everything okay?
120
00:05:55,139 --> 00:05:57,246
- Did something happen to him?
- [SIGHS]
121
00:05:59,322 --> 00:06:00,600
[CLAPS]
122
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,256
Porter got HBO.
123
00:06:06,446 --> 00:06:07,696
What... [STAMMERS]
124
00:06:07,731 --> 00:06:09,356
Whitney Cummings has this new TV showcase,
125
00:06:09,356 --> 00:06:11,696
and she pretty much plucked him to be
126
00:06:11,727 --> 00:06:14,297
the next generation of standup comics.
127
00:06:15,939 --> 00:06:18,939
- What? Are you... Really?
- Yeah.
128
00:06:18,939 --> 00:06:20,189
- JASON: Yeah.
- Whitney Cummings?
129
00:06:20,189 --> 00:06:21,273
JASON: Whitney Cummings.
130
00:06:21,273 --> 00:06:24,106
- Came... to the... to the Boston?
- Right here.
131
00:06:24,106 --> 00:06:27,388
And she booked... She booked
Por... Porter, our Porter?
132
00:06:27,413 --> 00:06:28,340
Yep.
133
00:06:28,365 --> 00:06:30,326
Apparently she was wearing a wool beanie.
134
00:06:30,375 --> 00:06:33,404
[STAMMERS] If I had known she
was here, I would've done...
135
00:06:33,950 --> 00:06:36,700
you know, like, a TV,
like, an HBO set, but...
136
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,199
- Mmm-hmm.
- What the fuck did Porter do?
137
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,075
He goes up, he's full...
138
00:06:41,583 --> 00:06:43,533
- What was she on, bath salts?
- I don't know.
139
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:46,700
Fuck him! Talentless piece of shit.
140
00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:48,116
They book fucking cheese!
141
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,451
He can't even follow me.
142
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:51,264
How does he expect to
follow Whitney Cummings?
143
00:06:51,289 --> 00:06:52,309
He's a gnome!
144
00:06:52,334 --> 00:06:54,032
I'm sorry, but he's not...
145
00:06:54,032 --> 00:06:56,157
Oh, Porter!
146
00:06:56,157 --> 00:06:59,203
- [CHEERING]
- Way to go, buddy!
147
00:07:00,366 --> 00:07:02,366
?
148
00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:07,616
I can't believe it, man.
You got signed by 3 Arts?
149
00:07:07,616 --> 00:07:09,032
- Yeah, dude.
- Man, that's so awesome.
150
00:07:09,032 --> 00:07:11,616
- Yeah.
- They rep everybody. It's crazy.
151
00:07:11,616 --> 00:07:13,700
Might be tough to get them
on the phone, by the way.
152
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,257
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- I'm so ha... That's amazing.
153
00:07:16,725 --> 00:07:20,032
I mean, all of this,
it's happening so fast.
154
00:07:20,032 --> 00:07:22,821
- When did you find out?
- About a week ago.
155
00:07:23,199 --> 00:07:25,199
- JULIA: Wow.
- Porter, you've known
156
00:07:25,199 --> 00:07:27,366
for a week and you didn't tell us?
157
00:07:27,366 --> 00:07:29,167
I mean, we were barking two nights ago.
158
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,533
I didn't think you guys would care.
159
00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:33,533
- RUSSELL: Come on, we...
- JULIA: Of course we care.
160
00:07:33,533 --> 00:07:35,491
Of course... I feel like I got it.
161
00:07:35,491 --> 00:07:38,116
The way that I feel how
good it is that you got it.
162
00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:39,199
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
163
00:07:39,199 --> 00:07:40,741
Congrats, man. You deserve it.
164
00:07:40,741 --> 00:07:42,262
PORTER: Thank you. I think you mean it.
165
00:07:42,287 --> 00:07:43,223
I do.
166
00:07:44,658 --> 00:07:46,324
It's just so weird, man.
167
00:07:46,324 --> 00:07:48,282
Is it? It's not that
weird. It's definitely not.
168
00:07:48,282 --> 00:07:50,074
I mean, it's kind of what we're here to do.
169
00:07:50,074 --> 00:07:51,658
- It's what we're doing.
- Okay.
170
00:07:51,658 --> 00:07:54,574
Did you tell your parents? I mean,
that's a happy call to make, right?
171
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,081
Yeah, actually, my dad said,
172
00:07:56,105 --> 00:07:58,147
"Hey, I'm going to come
back from wherever I've been
173
00:07:58,147 --> 00:08:00,865
for the last 10 years, and we'll
start fishing every Friday."
174
00:08:00,865 --> 00:08:03,902
- [LAUGHTER]
- RUSSELL: Classic Porter!
175
00:08:03,971 --> 00:08:05,471
You know, you sure you're ready?
176
00:08:05,471 --> 00:08:06,971
Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.
177
00:08:06,971 --> 00:08:08,471
I'm sure I'm ready. I'm mean,
178
00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:10,746
Whitney wouldn't have
booked me if I wasn't ready.
179
00:08:10,771 --> 00:08:12,771
- Yeah.
- All right. Cool.
180
00:08:12,971 --> 00:08:14,846
Um, I don't know... [STAMMERS]
181
00:08:14,846 --> 00:08:18,094
I'm just saying, I mean, you don't
want to jump in this, this too soon.
182
00:08:20,179 --> 00:08:23,231
I see what's fucking
happening here. You're jealous.
183
00:08:23,959 --> 00:08:25,013
- No.
- No.
184
00:08:25,013 --> 00:08:27,179
- You're jealous of me!
- RUSSELL: We're not jealous.
185
00:08:27,179 --> 00:08:29,179
I knew this shit was going
to happen, but I didn't know
186
00:08:29,179 --> 00:08:30,804
it was going to happen this fast.
187
00:08:30,804 --> 00:08:32,810
Look at this. You can't even
188
00:08:32,835 --> 00:08:34,888
pretend to be happy for me
189
00:08:34,888 --> 00:08:36,763
- for a second.
- We can pretend.
190
00:08:36,763 --> 00:08:38,888
No, no, no! I can't take this negativity!
191
00:08:38,888 --> 00:08:41,512
None of you are coming to
the taping! None of you!
192
00:08:41,512 --> 00:08:43,679
- Except for Pete.
- What?
193
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,345
Because Pete is a good
guy, and I trust him,
194
00:08:46,345 --> 00:08:49,637
and I know that he is
actually truly happy for me.
195
00:08:50,009 --> 00:08:51,471
- He is?
- Are you?
196
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:53,554
[STAMMERS] I... you know.
197
00:08:53,554 --> 00:08:56,984
I would be honored to
come. That sounds exciting.
198
00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:00,013
?
199
00:09:02,296 --> 00:09:03,721
- PETE: These are good.
- Yeah.
200
00:09:04,449 --> 00:09:06,094
Which is good, 'cause if you get food
201
00:09:06,095 --> 00:09:07,765
from a food truck that isn't good,
202
00:09:08,095 --> 00:09:10,763
if you go up to complain,
they're like three blocks away.
203
00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:11,867
[CHUCKLES]
204
00:09:12,013 --> 00:09:14,526
Your jokes are funnier now
that they're not my problem.
205
00:09:14,526 --> 00:09:15,894
[BOTH LAUGH]
206
00:09:16,691 --> 00:09:18,634
That's... that's funny.
207
00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:21,232
I gotta say, uh, this is
208
00:09:21,232 --> 00:09:23,232
a little surprising for me, you know.
209
00:09:23,822 --> 00:09:26,691
Last time I saw you,
you were in a baptismal.
210
00:09:27,885 --> 00:09:30,425
Yeah, it didn't really go
how I thought it would, but...
211
00:09:31,565 --> 00:09:33,566
I started seeing a therapist.
212
00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:35,804
Oh.
213
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,968
- That's great.
- Mmm-hmm.
214
00:09:38,159 --> 00:09:41,367
I think that's, uh...
you know, that's normal.
215
00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:43,314
That's, you know, nothing to be ashamed of.
216
00:09:44,408 --> 00:09:45,592
I know that.
217
00:09:48,375 --> 00:09:49,822
I didn't mean it like...
218
00:09:49,959 --> 00:09:53,211
I never figured out a healthy
way to express my anger.
219
00:09:54,083 --> 00:09:56,229
I feel like you never did either.
220
00:09:56,709 --> 00:09:59,333
People always think, just
because I'm like a cheery person,
221
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,041
that, like, I'm not...
Like, I'm hiding something.
222
00:10:01,041 --> 00:10:04,333
Maybe I'm just, like, I am just
happy, like, I'm a light person.
223
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:06,375
- Really?
- Yes, you know... Yes!
224
00:10:06,569 --> 00:10:07,869
Like a John Denver.
225
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:10,849
My therapist thinks it's a good idea
226
00:10:10,887 --> 00:10:12,699
to scream at the subway as it goes by.
227
00:10:12,724 --> 00:10:14,939
You can't yell at the train, that's crazy.
228
00:10:16,121 --> 00:10:17,668
I've been doing it.
229
00:10:19,393 --> 00:10:20,455
You?
230
00:10:20,601 --> 00:10:22,643
You go onto the subway
platform and scream and...
231
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,774
- Yeah.
- Strangers? Really?
232
00:10:24,799 --> 00:10:27,007
They don't care. There's
so much insane stuff
233
00:10:27,007 --> 00:10:28,924
happening down there, it doesn't matter.
234
00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:31,919
So, what, uh...
235
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:35,157
Leif just call you one day?
236
00:10:35,873 --> 00:10:37,131
I mean, how does that happen?
237
00:10:37,131 --> 00:10:38,548
I called him, actually.
238
00:10:38,964 --> 00:10:41,215
It's not like I have a million
friends I can talk to, so.
239
00:10:41,215 --> 00:10:43,839
- What about the Gellings?
- They're never around.
240
00:10:43,839 --> 00:10:46,585
- The Doughertys?
- No, they stopped calling me.
241
00:10:46,843 --> 00:10:49,256
The Kallitsis? I lost 'em
all in the divorce, Pete.
242
00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:52,245
But I lost 'em in the divorce. I
assumed they were hanging out with you.
243
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:54,942
- What? No.
- They're hanging out with neither of us?
244
00:10:55,228 --> 00:10:57,520
I assumed you were hanging out
with Michelle this whole time!
245
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,931
No, I don't hang out with Michelle.
246
00:10:58,931 --> 00:11:00,639
- Oh my God!
- What is that? What?
247
00:11:00,639 --> 00:11:03,138
Oh my God! Oh my God.
248
00:11:03,138 --> 00:11:04,889
[THUNDER RUMBLES] Holy shit!
249
00:11:04,889 --> 00:11:06,568
Come on! Come on!
250
00:11:07,597 --> 00:11:09,449
Come on in here! Get in here!
251
00:11:10,639 --> 00:11:13,347
[PANTING]
252
00:11:13,347 --> 00:11:16,013
Oh my God. We just got so wet.
253
00:11:16,013 --> 00:11:17,486
It came out of nowhere.
254
00:11:17,931 --> 00:11:19,347
[DRYER WHIRRING]
255
00:11:19,347 --> 00:11:21,111
- Is that warm?
- Yeah.
256
00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:23,205
[SIGHS]
257
00:11:25,097 --> 00:11:27,055
Ugh. I feel like a sewer rat.
258
00:11:28,305 --> 00:11:30,108
[BOTH LAUGHING]
259
00:11:30,305 --> 00:11:32,430
- It's crazy.
- That was crazy.
260
00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:33,952
[LAUGHS]
261
00:11:34,374 --> 00:11:35,490
Oh, wow.
262
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:37,389
I'm glad we did this, though.
263
00:11:37,389 --> 00:11:39,277
Yeah. Me too.
264
00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:43,189
Although, I'd rather be warm, at
home, watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
265
00:11:44,733 --> 00:11:46,135
That sounds amazing.
266
00:11:46,451 --> 00:11:48,191
- Yeah?
- Can we?
267
00:11:49,221 --> 00:11:50,677
Yeah, if you want to.
268
00:11:50,825 --> 00:11:53,284
?
269
00:11:53,585 --> 00:11:57,168
Well, well, well, I hope
you bitches are ready.
270
00:11:57,168 --> 00:11:59,429
Oh, shit.
271
00:12:01,877 --> 00:12:04,138
Oh my God, I'm obsessed
with Bianca Del Rio.
272
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:07,597
She's... she's a bitch, but
that's... that's what we like.
273
00:12:09,388 --> 00:12:10,505
[LAUGHS]
274
00:12:12,978 --> 00:12:14,719
- Thin mint?
- Ooh, frozen?
275
00:12:14,719 --> 00:12:16,093
[LAUGHS] Yeah, frozen.
276
00:12:16,093 --> 00:12:18,968
- Good.
- Straight from the freeze, Mageeze.
277
00:12:18,968 --> 00:12:20,838
- Nice.
- It's so good.
278
00:12:22,599 --> 00:12:23,535
What?
279
00:12:24,553 --> 00:12:25,594
Shit.
280
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,005
What?
281
00:12:27,216 --> 00:12:28,617
The power went out.
282
00:12:29,474 --> 00:12:30,779
I can't even open the door.
283
00:12:34,093 --> 00:12:36,088
Yes. Yes.
284
00:12:36,469 --> 00:12:37,594
Wow.
285
00:12:37,594 --> 00:12:39,180
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]
286
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:42,010
- Carlsbad Caverns.
- Mmm-hmm.
287
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,146
Aren't you glad I didn't sell this?
288
00:12:44,344 --> 00:12:45,826
I'm thrilled.
289
00:12:49,012 --> 00:12:51,365
- This isn't so bad.
- Oh...
290
00:12:51,762 --> 00:12:53,692
- It's like olden times.
- Yeah.
291
00:12:54,386 --> 00:12:57,261
We should talk about
which, uh, which townsboy
292
00:12:57,261 --> 00:12:59,215
our 12-year-old
daughter shall marry.
293
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:00,442
[BOTH LAUGH]
294
00:13:01,419 --> 00:13:02,835
The price of butter.
295
00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:06,382
It's so quiet.
296
00:13:07,289 --> 00:13:08,468
You can just, like,
297
00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:11,430
hear all the sounds of the city.
298
00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:13,550
- Yeah.
- It's crazy.
299
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,976
Look at us, I'm proud. I'm proud of us.
300
00:13:17,976 --> 00:13:19,310
- Yeah.
- Right?
301
00:13:19,622 --> 00:13:20,770
Yeah, it's good.
302
00:13:35,143 --> 00:13:36,810
Pete, Pete! What are you doing?
303
00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:38,073
What do you mean?
304
00:13:38,226 --> 00:13:39,976
I don't want that with you.
305
00:13:40,405 --> 00:13:41,880
What do you mean? I thought...
306
00:13:42,143 --> 00:13:44,101
We're having fun. I thought maybe...
307
00:13:44,101 --> 00:13:46,059
No. I thought we were just hanging out.
308
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,476
I... I don't... I think you'd like me now.
309
00:13:49,042 --> 00:13:51,769
Well, Pete, I'm, like, the
last person you should be with.
310
00:13:52,019 --> 00:13:53,394
Emotionally.
311
00:13:53,394 --> 00:13:55,061
I don't think you're seeing me.
312
00:13:55,061 --> 00:13:57,365
- I... I am.
- I don't think I... No.
313
00:13:57,815 --> 00:14:00,190
You're seeing who you were
married to, but that guy...
314
00:14:00,652 --> 00:14:02,152
that guy's gone.
315
00:14:02,152 --> 00:14:04,175
I've... learned things, I've done things.
316
00:14:04,206 --> 00:14:05,660
I'm a man now.
317
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:08,493
I can be your sex Sherpa.
318
00:14:08,623 --> 00:14:11,896
I can lead you up the
mountain of ecstasy and...
319
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:14,992
And swirl our souls into
some sort of divine union.
320
00:14:14,992 --> 00:14:17,088
Pete, you're trying to use me.
321
00:14:17,301 --> 00:14:20,002
- I... Yes. Yes.
- Okay, no.
322
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:21,659
Let's... let's use each other. No.
323
00:14:21,659 --> 00:14:23,409
You said you and Leif use each other.
324
00:14:23,409 --> 00:14:25,371
I want to use you. I want you to use me.
325
00:14:25,826 --> 00:14:27,074
Just, trust me.
326
00:14:27,515 --> 00:14:29,155
No, Pete, this is nuts.
327
00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:30,803
Just... just-just... Just give me a kiss.
328
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,345
- Just one kiss, that's all I want.
- No.
329
00:14:32,345 --> 00:14:36,182
RUPAUL: ...impress me and save
yourselves, from elimination.
330
00:14:36,781 --> 00:14:37,820
[SIGHS]
331
00:14:38,072 --> 00:14:40,615
The time has come to lip-sync...
332
00:14:42,573 --> 00:14:44,947
for your life!
333
00:14:46,617 --> 00:14:48,323
And don't fuck it up.
334
00:14:48,323 --> 00:14:50,114
?
335
00:14:52,156 --> 00:14:54,573
? It is what it is ?
336
00:14:54,573 --> 00:14:56,841
- Okay, these two, go in.
- Okay, thanks.
337
00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:59,490
? Ain't what it ain't ?
338
00:15:01,781 --> 00:15:04,406
? Oh,
ho-ho-ho, hey ?
339
00:15:04,406 --> 00:15:07,072
? It is what it is ?
340
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,531
? Well, well, well,
well, well, well, yeah ?
341
00:15:09,531 --> 00:15:11,822
? Ain't what it ain't ?
342
00:15:14,615 --> 00:15:16,864
Hello. I'm, uh, I'm Pete Holmes.
343
00:15:16,864 --> 00:15:18,577
I'm here to see Porter Harris.
344
00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,822
All right, you're going to wear this.
345
00:15:21,822 --> 00:15:23,296
Down the hall, to your left.
346
00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:25,698
I'm a comedian.
347
00:15:25,698 --> 00:15:28,031
? This time, baby ?
348
00:15:29,740 --> 00:15:31,864
? I've been faithful lately ?
349
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:35,615
? And I've tried to stay
out of your business ?
350
00:15:35,615 --> 00:15:37,906
? I guess what they say is true ?
351
00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:39,843
? It just is what it is ?
352
00:15:39,868 --> 00:15:40,822
Shit.
353
00:15:40,822 --> 00:15:44,114
? What it is, what it is ?
354
00:15:45,947 --> 00:15:48,656
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
355
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,114
Hey, there he is.
356
00:15:50,114 --> 00:15:51,947
- Oh, hey, hey, man.
- What's going on?
357
00:15:51,947 --> 00:15:54,483
This is Emma. This is Mo.
This is my friend Pete.
358
00:15:54,546 --> 00:15:56,638
- What's up, Pete?
- Hey, what's up, man?
359
00:15:56,638 --> 00:15:58,388
Is this your buddy from out of town?
360
00:15:58,388 --> 00:16:00,513
Yeah, do you guys know... How
do you guys know each other?
361
00:16:00,513 --> 00:16:03,388
- Did you grow up together?
- We, uh... I'm Pete Holmes.
362
00:16:03,388 --> 00:16:05,138
I'm... I'm a comedian.
363
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:06,930
I'm actually... I am shocked.
364
00:16:06,930 --> 00:16:09,037
I could've sworn you were his manager.
365
00:16:09,388 --> 00:16:11,365
There's no reps in the green room.
366
00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:14,096
I'm not... I'm not a representative, no.
367
00:16:14,096 --> 00:16:16,096
Yeah, he's a representative
of being my friend.
368
00:16:16,096 --> 00:16:17,471
- Uh, we're friends.
- We're friends,
369
00:16:17,471 --> 00:16:19,930
- so he represents me in that way.
- I got you, yeah.
370
00:16:19,930 --> 00:16:21,722
Ah, I take 10 percent of the fun.
371
00:16:21,722 --> 00:16:23,179
[LAUGHTER]
372
00:16:23,179 --> 00:16:26,972
I just... I'm excited for my
friend. I'm excited for you guys.
373
00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:30,471
First time on TV, I mean, that's huge.
374
00:16:30,471 --> 00:16:33,096
All right. We're about five minutes out.
375
00:16:33,096 --> 00:16:34,263
Mo, you're up first.
376
00:16:34,263 --> 00:16:35,888
All right. Emma, you're next,
377
00:16:35,888 --> 00:16:37,096
- and then Porter.
- Okay.
378
00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:38,346
All right, Mo, you ready to do this?
379
00:16:38,346 --> 00:16:40,722
You know this! Wu Tang, you know I'm ready!
380
00:16:40,722 --> 00:16:41,952
Wu Tang!
381
00:16:41,997 --> 00:16:44,015
Porter, I'm going to need to get you miked.
382
00:16:44,638 --> 00:16:46,888
That's s exciting, man.
You're going to close.
383
00:16:46,888 --> 00:16:50,138
It's huge. You're the
headliner of the show.
384
00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:52,771
You want to come with me, over to sound?
385
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,854
Yeah, of course.
386
00:16:56,138 --> 00:16:57,864
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
387
00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:02,737
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]
388
00:17:05,593 --> 00:17:08,824
What is up, New York City?
389
00:17:09,304 --> 00:17:11,990
[LOUD CHEERING]
390
00:17:12,471 --> 00:17:15,138
I have an amazing lineup
for you guys tonight
391
00:17:15,138 --> 00:17:17,388
of all my favorite
up-and-coming comedians.
392
00:17:17,388 --> 00:17:19,014
All right, just going to drop it down.
393
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:20,763
WHITNEY: ...get to see them perform.
394
00:17:20,763 --> 00:17:23,172
Yeah. [SPUTTERING]
395
00:17:23,638 --> 00:17:25,805
[BABBLING]
396
00:17:25,805 --> 00:17:28,513
Do you remember that
there was, like, a rumor
397
00:17:28,513 --> 00:17:30,360
going around for a while
398
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:33,930
that men like strong women?
399
00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:35,811
[LAUGHTER]
400
00:17:35,811 --> 00:17:37,168
No, they don't.
401
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,550
Okay? I've seen porn.
402
00:17:40,749 --> 00:17:42,790
In porn, there's literally
a menu on the side,
403
00:17:42,791 --> 00:17:45,407
it's like, "Girl on Girl,"
404
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,833
uh, "College Girls."
405
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,249
There's no, like, "CEO."
406
00:17:49,249 --> 00:17:51,082
[LAUGHTER]
407
00:17:51,082 --> 00:17:54,249
"Bitch Who Pays Her Taxes on Time."
408
00:17:54,249 --> 00:17:55,916
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
409
00:17:55,916 --> 00:17:57,333
[WHITNEY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
410
00:17:57,333 --> 00:18:00,493
This is your dream, man.
This is... It's incredible.
411
00:18:01,750 --> 00:18:03,291
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
412
00:18:05,389 --> 00:18:07,625
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
413
00:18:09,291 --> 00:18:10,791
All right, how's that feel?
414
00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:12,833
It's great. It's great. It's
no different than anything
415
00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:14,666
the government does to me every day.
416
00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,457
Okay. Well, you're set.
417
00:18:17,458 --> 00:18:19,750
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
418
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,621
WHITNEY: This next comedian
is one of my favorite people.
419
00:18:23,124 --> 00:18:24,374
Why am I wearing a jacket?
420
00:18:24,374 --> 00:18:26,458
Why am I wearing a jacket
like this, I look like...
421
00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:29,166
I look like a guy dressed
as the Penguin at the mall.
422
00:18:29,439 --> 00:18:30,855
You look great.
423
00:18:31,397 --> 00:18:33,281
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Oh good. All right.
424
00:18:36,230 --> 00:18:39,523
Is there... Is there
somethin' weird with my beard?
425
00:18:40,258 --> 00:18:42,814
- Huh? What?
- Does my beard look weird?
426
00:18:42,814 --> 00:18:45,397
Uh, weird? Weird beard? No. You're good.
427
00:18:45,397 --> 00:18:46,898
All right, I look good. I'm good.
428
00:18:46,898 --> 00:18:49,189
It's just a lot, I understand,
you know, stressful.
429
00:18:49,189 --> 00:18:51,936
But, you know, it's not the
beard, the beard's been with you...
430
00:18:51,936 --> 00:18:54,384
The beard is not weird.
431
00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:55,490
Yeah.
432
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,755
I mean, you could...
It's a little scraggly.
433
00:18:59,424 --> 00:19:00,701
Should I trim it?
434
00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:02,764
It couldn't hurt.
435
00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:05,242
I'm going to trim it.
There's got to be someone
436
00:19:05,242 --> 00:19:07,019
around here who can
help me trim this, right?
437
00:19:07,019 --> 00:19:08,311
Uh, yeah.
438
00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:11,146
I really don't understand
what all the hate's about,
439
00:19:11,171 --> 00:19:14,593
'cause Mohammed is the most
popular name in the world.
440
00:19:15,119 --> 00:19:17,046
You know what's
frustrating about that fact?
441
00:19:17,046 --> 00:19:20,524
I can't find one key chain with
my name on it anywhere. [LAUGHTER]
442
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,867
Not one person has shared a Coca-Cola
443
00:19:22,892 --> 00:19:25,129
with me in America, not a single person.
444
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:26,706
[LAUGHTER]
445
00:19:26,731 --> 00:19:28,378
I don't like to mess with beards.
446
00:19:28,378 --> 00:19:30,001
I feel like beards are very personal.
447
00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:31,688
Let me do it. Let me do it.
I just don't want to look
448
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:33,293
like a Wolfman on camera. Okay?
449
00:19:33,376 --> 00:19:36,709
[RAZOR BUZZING]
450
00:19:37,099 --> 00:19:38,204
Aw, shit.
451
00:19:38,705 --> 00:19:41,466
I am... I'm just trying
to, like, even it out now.
452
00:19:41,466 --> 00:19:42,767
'Cause this is...
453
00:19:43,510 --> 00:19:45,434
Oh my God. Oh, what did I do?
454
00:19:45,843 --> 00:19:47,384
PETE: No, that's okay, that's a good start.
455
00:19:47,385 --> 00:19:49,468
I look like... I took
a tablespoon out of it.
456
00:19:49,468 --> 00:19:51,135
That's fine. Let's just
do it on the other side.
457
00:19:51,135 --> 00:19:52,927
- I can even it out.
- Can you even this out?
458
00:19:52,927 --> 00:19:54,718
- Yeah, I can even it out.
- Yeah, even it out, yeah.
459
00:19:54,718 --> 00:19:56,301
Don't hide behind your beard, you know?
460
00:19:56,301 --> 00:19:59,353
Oh, man, I didn't even
know how popular it was
461
00:19:59,426 --> 00:20:02,426
until I watched the Egyptian
soccer team. [LAUGHTER]
462
00:20:02,426 --> 00:20:05,385
Uh, yeah. I was, uh... They
were showing a play-by-play,
463
00:20:05,385 --> 00:20:07,426
and the commentator comes on and he's like,
464
00:20:07,426 --> 00:20:10,921
Mohammed has the ball. Mohammed
pass the ball to Mohammed.
465
00:20:11,097 --> 00:20:14,139
Mohammed to Achmed. Achmed to Hameda.
466
00:20:14,139 --> 00:20:15,556
Hameda to Mohammed.
467
00:20:15,556 --> 00:20:18,097
Mohammed to Mohammed. Mohammed to Mohammed.
468
00:20:18,097 --> 00:20:19,431
Mohammed to Mohammed.
469
00:20:19,431 --> 00:20:21,765
Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed, Mohammed,
470
00:20:21,765 --> 00:20:24,453
Mohammed... goal!
471
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,608
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
472
00:20:28,146 --> 00:20:29,959
I look like I belong on Duck Dynasty.
473
00:20:30,505 --> 00:20:32,278
- No. I... Yeah.
- That's kind of cool.
474
00:20:32,278 --> 00:20:34,862
No, it's not! They're famously racist!
475
00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:36,850
I can shave it a little
more. Do you want me
476
00:20:36,875 --> 00:20:38,798
to just go a little more on the other side?
477
00:20:38,823 --> 00:20:40,263
I don't fucking believe it.
478
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,281
Whitney Cummings!
479
00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:44,517
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
- Yeah!
480
00:20:45,808 --> 00:20:47,099
Aw, this looks great.
481
00:20:47,099 --> 00:20:49,307
This is how everyone is
wearing their beards now.
482
00:20:49,307 --> 00:20:50,766
Idiots do this!
483
00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:52,224
An idiot would choose this!
484
00:20:52,224 --> 00:20:54,140
It's okay. It's... She's trying.
485
00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,933
Who would go into a fucking barber shop
486
00:20:56,933 --> 00:21:00,441
and say, "Hey! I want
to look all fucked up!"
487
00:21:00,535 --> 00:21:02,557
Why don't we do a goatee, then?
488
00:21:02,557 --> 00:21:04,558
We should just... Yeah. Yeah!
489
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:06,202
I always used to go back and forth with
490
00:21:06,228 --> 00:21:07,683
when I would say I was gay on stage,
491
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,808
'cause I wouldn't want to
make anyone uncomfortable.
492
00:21:09,808 --> 00:21:11,849
But I make a point to always do it,
493
00:21:11,849 --> 00:21:13,974
because I don't want any of
you guys sitting and wondering
494
00:21:13,974 --> 00:21:16,541
if I'm an awkward-lookin' straight
girl, you know what I mean?
495
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:17,525
[LAUGHTER] Think how weird it
496
00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:19,829
would get in here if I was like,
497
00:21:19,854 --> 00:21:22,143
"Guys, I'm having problems with men."
498
00:21:22,474 --> 00:21:25,349
You'd be like, "Yeah, I'd
fucking hope so. What the hell?"
499
00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:26,349
[LAUGHTER]
500
00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:31,849
I didn't even have a fucking
chance to get my career started.
501
00:21:31,849 --> 00:21:33,974
You look like you sell
vinyl, it's a hot look.
502
00:21:33,974 --> 00:21:36,015
I look like I watch porn on laser disc.
503
00:21:36,015 --> 00:21:39,140
I look like I watch porn
after I'm done coming.
504
00:21:39,849 --> 00:21:41,943
- Mustache?
- Do it.
505
00:21:42,391 --> 00:21:43,974
Like, the first time
I was ever with someone
506
00:21:43,974 --> 00:21:46,541
that wanted me to hit
them in the face sexually,
507
00:21:46,794 --> 00:21:48,052
I called my mom.
508
00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,933
I left the situation, I called my mom,
509
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:51,557
I said, "She wants me
to hit her in the face,"
510
00:21:51,557 --> 00:21:53,784
and my mom goes, "[GASPS] On a Tuesday"?
511
00:21:53,784 --> 00:21:55,992
[LAUGHTER]
512
00:21:56,409 --> 00:21:59,252
"If that's what she wants on a
Tuesday, what'll happen on a Friday?
513
00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:00,755
You get out of there!"
514
00:22:04,868 --> 00:22:06,685
I'm fuckin' freaking out here.
515
00:22:07,243 --> 00:22:08,359
PETE: I like it.
516
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,484
I look like I have to announce
who I am to the neighborhood.
517
00:22:10,484 --> 00:22:13,289
PRODUCER [OVER PA]: Porter Harris to
the stage, please. You're on in five.
518
00:22:16,192 --> 00:22:18,234
I think you... I think
you should take it off.
519
00:22:18,234 --> 00:22:19,923
- Want to take it off?
- Just...
520
00:22:20,192 --> 00:22:21,901
Yeah, take it off! Get it off me!
521
00:22:21,901 --> 00:22:23,164
Get it off me!
522
00:22:23,912 --> 00:22:25,369
This is your fault.
523
00:22:25,369 --> 00:22:26,870
What are you talking about?
524
00:22:26,870 --> 00:22:29,745
Scraggly. You said my beard was
scraggly. People like scraggly!
525
00:22:29,745 --> 00:22:31,244
It's not supposed to be about the beard.
526
00:22:31,244 --> 00:22:33,912
It's supposed to be about the
material, not your facial hair.
527
00:22:33,912 --> 00:22:36,203
Oh, okay. Oh, so you're
shitting on my material now.
528
00:22:36,203 --> 00:22:38,203
- Before I go on national television.
- No!
529
00:22:38,203 --> 00:22:39,688
Are you fucking kidding me?
530
00:22:40,265 --> 00:22:41,425
It's just not for me.
531
00:22:41,495 --> 00:22:43,870
Well, maybe that's why I'm
here, and you're not here.
532
00:22:43,870 --> 00:22:46,037
Because you don't have the edge.
Right? 'Cause you don't want...
533
00:22:46,037 --> 00:22:48,411
It's not edge. I've never seen
you do a joke the same way twice.
534
00:22:48,411 --> 00:22:51,037
- Have you ever written anything down?
- It's called being free.
535
00:22:51,037 --> 00:22:52,286
- It's not being free!
- I'm riffing!
536
00:22:52,286 --> 00:22:53,870
This is supposed to be
a reward for hard work.
537
00:22:53,870 --> 00:22:56,620
You're just fucking getting drunk
and sliding your way through!
538
00:22:56,620 --> 00:22:58,995
Are you fucking kidding me,
you're doing this to me right now?
539
00:22:58,995 --> 00:23:01,134
A couple beard jokes aren't
going to make or break
540
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,453
what you do out there.
541
00:23:02,453 --> 00:23:05,474
My beard, I shaved it.
I shaved off my opener!
542
00:23:05,499 --> 00:23:06,541
Fuck!
543
00:23:06,616 --> 00:23:08,189
Come on, come on. Let's go. Let's go.
544
00:23:08,409 --> 00:23:09,529
Porter...
545
00:23:09,783 --> 00:23:12,866
He just shined like a diamond in the rough.
546
00:23:13,060 --> 00:23:15,444
Uh, kind of, more like a diamond covered in
547
00:23:15,621 --> 00:23:17,012
red pubes, you'll see.
548
00:23:17,037 --> 00:23:19,996
Please welcome, Porter Harris!
549
00:23:20,143 --> 00:23:23,352
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
550
00:23:37,351 --> 00:23:38,672
Hey. Um...
551
00:23:41,102 --> 00:23:43,269
Hey, New York City.
552
00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:45,736
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yeah.
553
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,726
Uh...
554
00:23:49,088 --> 00:23:51,255
Aw, man. Um...
555
00:23:51,607 --> 00:23:52,550
Uh...
556
00:23:53,619 --> 00:23:55,380
I just feel... I'm so uncomfortable.
557
00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:58,072
I had a... I had a beard,
558
00:23:58,922 --> 00:24:00,839
like, 30 minutes ago. [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
559
00:24:00,839 --> 00:24:03,005
And then my friend, a piece of shit...
560
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,372
[LAUGHTER]
561
00:24:04,397 --> 00:24:06,452
...convinced me that I should shave it.
562
00:24:07,125 --> 00:24:09,714
And I did, I shaved off my beard,
563
00:24:09,714 --> 00:24:12,672
before walking on stage, just now.
564
00:24:12,672 --> 00:24:16,659
Uh, and I have two to four
minutes of beard material
565
00:24:17,797 --> 00:24:20,547
that is now useless, so...
566
00:24:20,547 --> 00:24:21,532
[LAUGHTER]
567
00:24:21,557 --> 00:24:23,392
Should I still do it?
568
00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:25,898
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- Should I do my beard jokes?
569
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,519
Can you just imagine it?
570
00:24:28,172 --> 00:24:30,756
It's not hard, there's so many of me now.
571
00:24:30,756 --> 00:24:34,464
I mean, I sort of look like a pedophile
572
00:24:34,464 --> 00:24:36,881
who makes locally sourced artisanal candy.
573
00:24:36,881 --> 00:24:39,130
- [LAUGHTER]
- Now I still kind of look like one.
574
00:24:39,130 --> 00:24:41,130
But imagine if I had a beard.
575
00:24:41,130 --> 00:24:44,339
'Cause then you're just like,
"I can't see all of his lips."
576
00:24:44,339 --> 00:24:46,422
"What do they do?" They lick children.
577
00:24:46,422 --> 00:24:48,005
- [LAUGHTER]
- And I'll tell you something else.
578
00:24:48,435 --> 00:24:49,839
There were a lot of people that were upset
579
00:24:49,839 --> 00:24:52,922
about that live-action
Beauty and the Beast movie.
580
00:24:53,233 --> 00:24:56,547
- And not just because it sucked.
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
581
00:24:56,547 --> 00:24:59,855
But because it had a gay couple in it.
582
00:25:00,078 --> 00:25:02,005
Which I think is, like, weird,
583
00:25:02,005 --> 00:25:04,800
because the movie is about
584
00:25:04,825 --> 00:25:07,380
an anemic British girl
585
00:25:07,562 --> 00:25:10,297
just getting gaped by a werepit.
586
00:25:10,297 --> 00:25:12,714
Like, it's literally just... [BELLOWING]
587
00:25:12,714 --> 00:25:14,631
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: Thank
you, thank you so much.
588
00:25:14,631 --> 00:25:15,714
[BELLOWING]
589
00:25:15,714 --> 00:25:18,297
He's got one of those, like, bear penises
590
00:25:18,297 --> 00:25:20,339
with the guard hairs on it, just...
591
00:25:20,339 --> 00:25:23,714
- [BELLOWING]
- [LAUGHTER]
592
00:25:24,031 --> 00:25:26,000
The clock's just watching.
593
00:25:27,031 --> 00:25:29,350
His little minute hand sticking out.
594
00:25:29,375 --> 00:25:30,875
[LAUGHTER]
595
00:25:31,156 --> 00:25:33,936
Little pervert clock, all they do is watch.
596
00:25:34,864 --> 00:25:37,697
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
597
00:25:37,697 --> 00:25:40,364
?
598
00:25:46,239 --> 00:25:47,949
[QUIETLY]: Shit, he's funny.
599
00:25:49,437 --> 00:25:53,104
- Thank you, guys. That's my time.
- [APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
600
00:25:53,104 --> 00:25:55,123
Honestly, thank you so much. Thank you.
601
00:25:55,148 --> 00:25:56,521
This is... this is crazy.
602
00:25:56,521 --> 00:25:59,979
[APPLAUDING, CHEERING]
603
00:26:01,162 --> 00:26:03,813
How great is Porter Harris!
604
00:26:03,813 --> 00:26:06,479
[LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
605
00:26:09,021 --> 00:26:11,979
Wow. It's a crazy feeling.
I feel like I'm on coke.
606
00:26:11,979 --> 00:26:13,938
That was incredible. You did great.
607
00:26:13,938 --> 00:26:16,418
Yeah. Yeah, and I got you
to thank for this, man.
608
00:26:16,856 --> 00:26:19,353
See, I told you, you're not
funny because of your beard.
609
00:26:19,353 --> 00:26:21,353
No. You said that I wasn't funny, period.
610
00:26:21,353 --> 00:26:23,253
So, I just went out there, and I just
611
00:26:23,278 --> 00:26:25,331
had to prove that you are an asshole.
612
00:26:25,687 --> 00:26:27,800
And I did. You're an asshole.
613
00:26:30,061 --> 00:26:31,476
That was so good!
614
00:26:31,709 --> 00:26:33,854
So, so, so good!
615
00:26:33,854 --> 00:26:36,520
What did I tell you? What did I tell you?
616
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:38,145
I know. I know. I know.
617
00:26:38,145 --> 00:26:39,497
- So good!
- What did you tell him?
618
00:26:39,895 --> 00:26:41,073
Oh... uh...
619
00:26:41,471 --> 00:26:42,846
I'm his friend Pete.
620
00:26:42,884 --> 00:26:45,196
- Hi. Okay.
- I'm a comedian.
621
00:26:45,221 --> 00:26:47,013
Hey, Porter, we gotta de-wire you.
622
00:26:47,013 --> 00:26:49,262
- Hey, thank you again. I could skip.
- That was awesome.
623
00:26:49,262 --> 00:26:50,721
- Oh my God.
- Great... great job.
624
00:26:50,721 --> 00:26:52,137
He did so good. I knew it. I knew it.
625
00:26:52,137 --> 00:26:54,942
- So, so, so, so good.
- Oh my God, so good.
626
00:26:54,942 --> 00:26:56,088
So good.
627
00:26:56,089 --> 00:26:58,829
I actually work the
Boston, where you saw him.
628
00:26:58,854 --> 00:27:00,729
- Oh, okay.
- It's kind of my home club.
629
00:27:00,729 --> 00:27:03,771
- Oh.
- Did you see me perform, or...?
630
00:27:03,771 --> 00:27:05,270
- I'm just... I'm sorry to bug you.
- Oh...
631
00:27:05,270 --> 00:27:07,312
Did you... I'd love some feedback.
632
00:27:07,312 --> 00:27:10,349
Oh, um... No, I don't think I saw you.
633
00:27:10,368 --> 00:27:12,407
I was in and out, and I... phone...
634
00:27:12,432 --> 00:27:13,807
Oh, you got up during the show?
635
00:27:13,807 --> 00:27:15,515
Yeah, I was, like, going
back... You know how it is.
636
00:27:15,515 --> 00:27:18,545
Did I go, "Uh, madam, the
bathroom's that way." Did I do that?
637
00:27:19,765 --> 00:27:21,890
You know, I have to go.
638
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,474
Um, just for the picture thing, so...
639
00:27:23,499 --> 00:27:24,912
While I have you, while
I have you, sorry...
640
00:27:24,937 --> 00:27:25,934
Huh? Mm-hm?
641
00:27:25,959 --> 00:27:28,814
Um, can you just... What was it about him?
642
00:27:28,839 --> 00:27:30,474
What made him stand out?
643
00:27:30,534 --> 00:27:32,596
Oh. Well, you know,
he's just got this thing,
644
00:27:32,621 --> 00:27:35,265
it's so cliche to say, but he's
just got this, like, star quality.
645
00:27:35,265 --> 00:27:37,213
Some people are just
born with it, you know?
646
00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:39,765
Or maybe they get it later, I don't know.
647
00:27:39,765 --> 00:27:42,473
I don't think so. I don't
think that's a thing.
648
00:27:42,734 --> 00:27:44,442
I think it's just an inherent th...
649
00:27:44,442 --> 00:27:45,827
You know, one time my manager told me
650
00:27:45,860 --> 00:27:49,457
that stars are people that
everyone wants to be friends with.
651
00:27:49,985 --> 00:27:52,151
Does that make sense? You
just want to be around them.
652
00:27:52,175 --> 00:27:55,935
So, anyway, um... I'm going to...
653
00:27:55,959 --> 00:27:58,613
It was so nice to meet
you. I'll see you around.
654
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:00,448
Hi, everybody!
655
00:28:00,473 --> 00:28:02,120
[CHEERING]
656
00:28:12,829 --> 00:28:16,334
? Nobody likes you, nobody cares ?
657
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:20,707
? Nobody wants you, nobody cares ?
658
00:28:21,093 --> 00:28:24,672
? To extend a greeting,
a connecting glance ?
659
00:28:24,696 --> 00:28:27,462
? Life is just a jaded game to them ?
660
00:28:27,485 --> 00:28:30,234
? They won't give it a chance ?
661
00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:35,500
? But you know and I know ?
662
00:28:35,524 --> 00:28:37,524
[SCREAMING]
663
00:28:43,641 --> 00:28:46,395
? Freedom is free ?
664
00:28:46,419 --> 00:28:50,159
? And you can't take
that away from me ?
665
00:28:52,518 --> 00:28:55,604
? You got your guns up on display ?
666
00:28:55,628 --> 00:28:59,566
? But you can't control
how I feel, no way ?
667
00:28:59,824 --> 00:29:02,474
? 'Cause freedom is free ?
668
00:29:05,246 --> 00:29:07,246
? And that's the way
it's always going to be ?
669
00:29:07,270 --> 00:29:10,211
? Freedom is free ?
670
00:29:10,617 --> 00:29:14,809
? And no amount of negativity
can put a dent in me ?
671
00:29:14,859 --> 00:29:19,409
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