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1
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:13,932
[honking]
2
00:00:14,090 --> 00:00:15,622
Hey. Excuse me.
3
00:00:15,658 --> 00:00:17,391
Yeah, show starts at 8:30 tonight.
4
00:00:17,426 --> 00:00:19,493
It's a... it's a great
show. All headliner showcase.
5
00:00:19,528 --> 00:00:21,027
- Two for one.
- No, sorry.
6
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:22,996
My name is Pete. I'm
a... I'm a comedian.
7
00:00:23,031 --> 00:00:24,397
Oh, hey, Pete. Nice to meet you.
8
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:27,010
Hi. Uh, somebody told
me that you guys...
9
00:00:27,035 --> 00:00:29,236
I'm gonna stop you there, Pete.
I know what somebody told you.
10
00:00:29,271 --> 00:00:30,570
You're looking for stage time, right?
11
00:00:30,605 --> 00:00:31,838
You got that soft,
scared look in your eye
12
00:00:31,874 --> 00:00:34,241
like your mother just dropped
you off at the Mall of America.
13
00:00:34,276 --> 00:00:36,676
Listen, I got all the fucking
comedians I can handle.
14
00:00:36,701 --> 00:00:38,043
What I need is some audience.
15
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:40,012
You know? Fuck, I need less comedians.
16
00:00:40,047 --> 00:00:41,813
I'd love to help ya, but, uh, I can't.
17
00:00:41,849 --> 00:00:44,020
So, God bless, good luck, fuck off.
18
00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:45,243
There's nothing I can do.
19
00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:47,767
Hold on. You... you're a comedian.
20
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,368
Yeah.
21
00:00:49,403 --> 00:00:50,436
You know my shit?
22
00:00:50,816 --> 00:00:52,371
No. I'm sorry.
23
00:00:52,406 --> 00:00:53,873
But you get how it is, man.
24
00:00:53,908 --> 00:00:56,207
I gotta pay $14 to do an open mic.
25
00:00:56,242 --> 00:00:58,643
I'm performing for other people
who are waiting to perform.
26
00:00:58,679 --> 00:00:59,711
I... I need a real club.
27
00:00:59,746 --> 00:01:01,546
There's nothing I can
do. I don't... I mean...
28
00:01:01,582 --> 00:01:03,081
unless you wanna bark.
29
00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:05,267
What? Yes, I'll do that. What's that?
30
00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:07,652
Well, a lot of guys think it
puts kind of a stink on you.
31
00:01:07,688 --> 00:01:09,688
But, you know, I mean, it's
when you take these flyers
32
00:01:09,723 --> 00:01:12,222
and you put your name on the
back and you go to the corner,
33
00:01:12,257 --> 00:01:13,589
if you get five paying customers by the
34
00:01:13,614 --> 00:01:15,058
end of the night,
we'll put you on stage,
35
00:01:15,094 --> 00:01:17,327
but... it's a big if... If
there's still audience here.
36
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:19,563
So it's a butt-fuck, but it's
the butt-fuck I'm offering.
37
00:01:19,599 --> 00:01:22,417
I accept your butt-fuck.
That, I... Yes.
38
00:01:22,609 --> 00:01:23,909
Not so fast.
39
00:01:24,123 --> 00:01:25,689
Let's see your moves.
40
00:01:25,714 --> 00:01:27,437
- What, now?
- Yeah, now.
41
00:01:27,473 --> 00:01:28,838
Uh...
42
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:31,273
Hey, do you have plans tonight?
43
00:01:31,309 --> 00:01:32,775
We've got a great show.
44
00:01:32,811 --> 00:01:33,963
Madame?
45
00:01:34,513 --> 00:01:35,979
Hey, comedy! He looked busy.
46
00:01:36,014 --> 00:01:37,981
Yeah, they're all busy.
They're walking, Pete.
47
00:01:38,016 --> 00:01:39,582
Move the flyer. Move the flyer.
48
00:01:39,618 --> 00:01:41,183
Flick. When it goes back in the stack,
49
00:01:41,219 --> 00:01:42,919
- you wanna flick it.
- Flick it in the sack.
50
00:01:42,954 --> 00:01:45,454
Come here. Give me this.
Let me show you how it's done.
51
00:01:45,490 --> 00:01:46,688
Big man! Comedy show tonight.
52
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,924
- All headliner showcase.
- Not interested.
53
00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:51,527
Not interested? Come on, come on.
It's the best show in town.
54
00:01:51,562 --> 00:01:53,529
- What do you got to do?
- Dude, fuck off, man.
55
00:01:53,564 --> 00:01:54,997
Fuck... Fuck off?
56
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,498
This is the best fucking show in town!
57
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:57,566
Fuck comedy.
58
00:01:57,601 --> 00:02:00,068
Fuck comedy? Hey, fuck you!
59
00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:03,404
Fuck me? Fuck you!
60
00:02:03,431 --> 00:02:04,697
Honey, babe, it's okay.
61
00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:06,473
- Fuckin' asshole.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
62
00:02:06,509 --> 00:02:09,476
Keep walkin'. I hope you
both have a bunch of kids!
63
00:02:09,512 --> 00:02:11,679
And you gotta deal with
all of the associated
64
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:14,682
responsibilities,
you... you cock-sucker!
65
00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,116
Fuck you!
66
00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:22,538
That's how it's done, my friend.
67
00:02:26,327 --> 00:02:28,762
- [laughter]
- Man: Geez.
68
00:02:31,232 --> 00:02:32,566
What's up, guys?
69
00:02:32,601 --> 00:02:34,400
Uh, I'm Pete.
70
00:02:34,436 --> 00:02:36,269
You barking too?
71
00:02:36,304 --> 00:02:37,803
Yeah. Yeah, man.
72
00:02:37,838 --> 00:02:40,272
Did you guys look closely
at this flyer at all?
73
00:02:40,307 --> 00:02:43,308
I mean, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld,
74
00:02:43,343 --> 00:02:45,844
do any of these people
actually perform here?
75
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,880
- Fuck no.
- Yeah, Ben Stiller's on there.
76
00:02:47,915 --> 00:02:49,241
He's not even a comic.
77
00:02:49,452 --> 00:02:51,050
Ray Romano came in
here once, on accident.
78
00:02:51,085 --> 00:02:52,903
But then he just used
the shitter and he left.
79
00:02:52,928 --> 00:02:55,753
Where you guys are concerned,
they're all here, okay?
80
00:02:55,789 --> 00:02:58,656
Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK,
81
00:02:58,692 --> 00:03:01,677
you tell 'em we're re-animating
Richard fucking Pryor
82
00:03:01,702 --> 00:03:03,427
if that'll get 'em through this door.
83
00:03:03,463 --> 00:03:05,830
All right? Boy scout, we're
not selling Thin Mints here.
84
00:03:05,865 --> 00:03:08,466
We haven't been saying
Bill Cosby as much recently.
85
00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:09,601
Man: Yeah.
86
00:03:09,636 --> 00:03:12,268
I just don't know if I feel
comfortable lying to people.
87
00:03:12,304 --> 00:03:14,370
And do you feel more
comfortable not performing?
88
00:03:15,106 --> 00:03:16,907
There's gotta be a middle ground there.
89
00:03:16,942 --> 00:03:19,943
I mean, even if we do get
them in here with lies,
90
00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:22,112
they're gonna know
it's a bait and switch.
91
00:03:22,147 --> 00:03:23,914
No, they're not.
They're stupid tourists.
92
00:03:23,949 --> 00:03:27,050
It's like who comes to New
York and doesn't have a plan?
93
00:03:27,086 --> 00:03:29,018
Yeah, they're gonna end
up at like a Panera Bread
94
00:03:29,053 --> 00:03:30,727
or get human-trafficked.
95
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,454
Is that a verb, "human-trafficked"?
96
00:03:32,490 --> 00:03:33,723
When they do it to you.
97
00:03:35,359 --> 00:03:36,291
What?
98
00:03:36,327 --> 00:03:38,894
I'm at MacDougal and Third. I...
99
00:03:38,930 --> 00:03:40,057
Ugh! Lucky!
100
00:03:40,665 --> 00:03:42,164
Is that good?
101
00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:44,933
No, they're all shitty, but
you got the least shitty.
102
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:47,301
I'm in front of an NYU dorm.
103
00:03:47,337 --> 00:03:50,238
It's like these kids are too
smart to fall for this shit.
104
00:03:51,341 --> 00:03:53,074
- Comedy tonight?
- Thank you.
105
00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:54,142
You guys eat here?
106
00:03:54,177 --> 00:03:56,811
Oh, yeah, you can't bark
for four hours and not eat.
107
00:03:58,148 --> 00:03:59,648
Four hours?
108
00:03:59,683 --> 00:04:01,815
Woman: The guy before
me, he's already tanking
109
00:04:01,851 --> 00:04:03,617
and then for his
closer, he decides to put
110
00:04:03,653 --> 00:04:05,853
his entire mouth over the microphone.
111
00:04:05,888 --> 00:04:07,220
Do you know how dirty those are?
112
00:04:07,256 --> 00:04:08,956
Like he deep-throated it.
113
00:04:08,991 --> 00:04:10,251
This is great.
114
00:04:13,863 --> 00:04:15,395
West Village. Look at us.
115
00:04:15,430 --> 00:04:17,998
Standing on the corner,
eating street food,
116
00:04:18,034 --> 00:04:19,799
we're gonna do a set tonight at a club
117
00:04:19,834 --> 00:04:21,600
in Manhattan. I love this.
118
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,770
What the fuck's wrong with you?
119
00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:26,539
No, I'm just saying,
following the dream.
120
00:04:26,574 --> 00:04:29,676
We're grinding it out. I'm
happy to be with you guys.
121
00:04:30,712 --> 00:04:32,845
- Oh, he's doing a bit.
- It's a bit.
122
00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:34,902
No, no, no. I mean it.
123
00:04:34,927 --> 00:04:37,082
You follow your heart, you
should be proud of yourselves.
124
00:04:37,117 --> 00:04:38,984
I get it. You're Mormon.
125
00:04:39,599 --> 00:04:40,618
I'm not Mormon.
126
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,353
I'm just regular, you know?
127
00:04:42,389 --> 00:04:44,856
- Regular what?
- Regular Christian.
128
00:04:44,892 --> 00:04:47,759
No add-ons. Just Old and New.
129
00:04:47,795 --> 00:04:49,460
Meat and potatoes.
You know, to be honest,
130
00:04:49,496 --> 00:04:51,362
I'm a little worried
about all this standing.
131
00:04:51,398 --> 00:04:53,597
Four hours on concrete, that's
really hard on your knees.
132
00:04:53,632 --> 00:04:55,119
I'm just saying if I had known, I
133
00:04:55,144 --> 00:04:56,615
would have worn more comfortable shoes.
134
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,502
Like a nurse's shoe or a clog.
135
00:04:58,537 --> 00:05:00,037
Are you talking about
like a wooden shoe?
136
00:05:00,073 --> 00:05:01,939
Like what little Dutch girls wear?
137
00:05:01,974 --> 00:05:03,774
No, like a modern clog, like a Croc.
138
00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:05,676
You get the ones that don't
have the holes in the top
139
00:05:05,712 --> 00:05:07,277
with a long pant, it looks like a shoe.
140
00:05:07,313 --> 00:05:08,679
It's like a comfortable secret.
141
00:05:08,715 --> 00:05:11,815
You're like a mental patient that's
been released for the afternoon.
142
00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:13,083
I'm gonna sit down.
143
00:05:13,118 --> 00:05:14,718
He's worse than an open mic.
144
00:05:15,987 --> 00:05:17,420
Can you guys open it up?
145
00:05:17,455 --> 00:05:19,022
Like, if you just...
146
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,713
If you just kind of
circle here, I can still...
147
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:22,844
We can see you.
148
00:05:22,977 --> 00:05:24,393
You're good there, man.
149
00:05:24,429 --> 00:05:25,661
You're good.
150
00:05:26,781 --> 00:05:29,949
151
00:05:37,742 --> 00:05:39,808
[sighs]
152
00:05:41,203 --> 00:05:42,644
Great comedy show, tonight.
153
00:05:42,679 --> 00:05:44,311
Great comedy show t...
154
00:05:44,347 --> 00:05:45,780
Great live comedy tonight.
155
00:05:45,815 --> 00:05:47,014
We got a great show.
156
00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:48,015
Excuse me.
157
00:05:48,051 --> 00:05:49,316
Got a great live comedy show.
158
00:05:49,352 --> 00:05:51,378
Great... great live comedy tonight.
159
00:05:51,403 --> 00:05:54,155
All headliner show. 8:30 tonight.
160
00:05:54,190 --> 00:05:55,890
All headliner show, right up the block.
161
00:05:55,925 --> 00:05:57,291
Two for one with the flyer.
162
00:05:57,326 --> 00:05:59,761
Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, who knows?
163
00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:02,662
Great live comedy... Yes!
164
00:06:02,697 --> 00:06:04,164
- Thank... you.
- [spits]
165
00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:08,668
Great live comedy tonight.
166
00:06:08,703 --> 00:06:10,370
Right up the block. 8:30 show.
167
00:06:10,405 --> 00:06:12,538
Great live comedy. Great live comedy.
168
00:06:12,574 --> 00:06:13,774
My knees hurt.
169
00:06:13,809 --> 00:06:17,010
Great live comedy. Great
comedy show tonight.
170
00:06:17,045 --> 00:06:18,343
Two for one.
171
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,578
Amplified jokes.
172
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,381
We got amplified jokes
happening on a stage.
173
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,349
All headliner show tonight, ladies.
174
00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:26,685
Hello. Great live comedy
tonight. We got a great show.
175
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,888
- Great live comedy, guys. You wanna...
- Oh. Yeah.
176
00:06:28,923 --> 00:06:30,422
Great live comedy. Two for ten.
177
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,224
- 8:30 tonight. All headliners.
- I love comedy.
178
00:06:32,260 --> 00:06:34,393
- Great.
- Oh, my God. Is Seinfeld on the show?
179
00:06:35,347 --> 00:06:37,128
Uh, not necessarily.
180
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,696
- You know, it's... it's New York.
- What?
181
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,031
He might pop in.
182
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,209
Why would you put him on the flyer then?
183
00:06:43,159 --> 00:06:45,837
You know, these are examples of the
types of comedians you might see.
184
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:48,439
I... I like to think each
of them influence the essence
185
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:50,341
of the people you will see performing.
186
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:51,809
That's fucked up, man.
187
00:06:51,844 --> 00:06:53,610
You go to an Italian restaurant,
188
00:06:53,645 --> 00:06:54,912
there's a picture of Frank Sinatra.
189
00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:56,413
It doesn't mean he's gonna be there.
190
00:06:58,417 --> 00:06:59,726
[siren chirps]
191
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,034
Where did you get that coffee?
Do they have a bathroom?
192
00:07:02,059 --> 00:07:04,221
Great live comedy. Was there a bathroom
193
00:07:04,256 --> 00:07:05,422
in that pizzeria?
194
00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,891
Hello. Great live comedy.
195
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,597
Hi. Great live comedy?
196
00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:19,268
Please help me with this man.
197
00:07:20,936 --> 00:07:22,487
Do you see him?
198
00:07:23,541 --> 00:07:26,208
Do you know if there's
a bathroom around here?
199
00:07:26,243 --> 00:07:28,009
Do you know if there's
a bathroom in the area?
200
00:07:28,045 --> 00:07:29,688
Where do you pee?
201
00:07:41,658 --> 00:07:42,968
Hey, can I help you?
202
00:07:42,993 --> 00:07:44,992
- I'm just going to the bathroom.
- Customers only.
203
00:07:45,027 --> 00:07:46,793
Yeah, I...
204
00:07:46,829 --> 00:07:49,563
Just number one. Just a pee. Just a pow.
205
00:07:49,598 --> 00:07:50,697
Customers only, dude.
206
00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,032
- Really?
- Yeah.
207
00:07:52,068 --> 00:07:54,835
You wanna use the bathroom, you're
gonna have to order something.
208
00:07:54,871 --> 00:07:55,870
Uh, um...
209
00:07:55,905 --> 00:07:58,147
If I had a bar and you came in,
210
00:07:58,172 --> 00:07:59,740
I would look the other way.
211
00:07:59,775 --> 00:08:00,840
Do you have a bar?
212
00:08:00,876 --> 00:08:03,343
I've always wanted to open
a winery in the Adirondacks.
213
00:08:03,378 --> 00:08:04,944
So, what you're saying is pointless.
214
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,313
Uh, okay. Give me a Coke.
215
00:08:07,349 --> 00:08:08,915
- Coke.
- Coke.
216
00:08:13,755 --> 00:08:15,255
It's $8.
217
00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:16,489
I'm sorry?
218
00:08:16,524 --> 00:08:18,156
- Eight.
- Dollars?
219
00:08:18,192 --> 00:08:19,424
- Yeah.
- For the Coke?
220
00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:20,325
Yeah.
221
00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:22,627
Coca-Cola at a bodega or a gas station,
222
00:08:22,662 --> 00:08:24,062
like two liters, 99 cents.
223
00:08:24,098 --> 00:08:26,798
89 in some neighborhoods
that are rougher.
224
00:08:26,833 --> 00:08:28,700
Okay? This isn't a bodega.
225
00:08:31,372 --> 00:08:33,805
If I give you $8, I have $2 left.
226
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,248
How about a tip?
227
00:08:35,529 --> 00:08:36,941
Yeah, I'm handing out flyers for free.
228
00:08:37,674 --> 00:08:39,510
That sounds like a you-problem.
229
00:08:41,047 --> 00:08:42,413
It's a service industry
230
00:08:42,448 --> 00:08:44,415
- built on principle.
- Enjoy your pee.
231
00:08:44,450 --> 00:08:46,984
I wish I had to shit.
I'd put it on the floor.
232
00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,696
233
00:08:54,458 --> 00:08:56,092
Wanna see some comedy tonight, sir?
234
00:08:56,128 --> 00:08:57,693
Greenwich Comedy Club. Big show tonight.
235
00:08:57,729 --> 00:08:59,695
Got a great show tonight.
Greenwich Comedy Club.
236
00:08:59,731 --> 00:09:00,897
Would you like to see some comedy?
237
00:09:00,933 --> 00:09:03,333
- Hi! You guys want to see some comedy?
- I'll take one.
238
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:04,867
It's a great show. Big show tonight.
239
00:09:04,903 --> 00:09:06,002
- I'll take it.
- Thank you.
240
00:09:06,038 --> 00:09:07,703
Hey, you want to see some comedy, sir?
241
00:09:07,739 --> 00:09:09,238
Sorry. Hi, no.
242
00:09:09,273 --> 00:09:11,273
I... I've been working
on this corner tonight.
243
00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:12,808
Oh, yeah? That's nice.
244
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,411
Hey, you want to see some
comedy? You like comedy?
245
00:09:15,446 --> 00:09:17,947
Sorry, so... could I get my corner back?
246
00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:19,748
Oh, this is your corner?
247
00:09:19,783 --> 00:09:22,251
This, MacDougal and Third, is
your corner? You're a MacDougal?
248
00:09:22,286 --> 00:09:25,019
I understand. It's...
it's not my corner.
249
00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:27,155
But I... I was here. I
established a presence.
250
00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:29,223
My club is right down there.
I got a good thing going.
251
00:09:29,259 --> 00:09:30,891
Comedy. Greenwich
Comedy Club. Great show.
252
00:09:30,927 --> 00:09:32,360
You see? They're
walking towards my club.
253
00:09:32,395 --> 00:09:33,995
What was I gone, three minutes?
254
00:09:34,030 --> 00:09:35,942
Three minutes, so if
you have a parking spot
255
00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:37,765
and you drive off for three minutes,
256
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,101
is that supposed to be your parking spot
257
00:09:40,136 --> 00:09:41,535
for the rest of your life?
258
00:09:41,571 --> 00:09:43,217
Is that how you think cities work?
259
00:09:43,623 --> 00:09:46,206
I understand the comparison,
but this isn't a parking...
260
00:09:46,241 --> 00:09:47,174
Just walk away.
261
00:09:47,209 --> 00:09:48,375
No, I'm just... Could we...
262
00:09:48,410 --> 00:09:49,576
Walk away.
263
00:09:50,912 --> 00:09:52,021
Geez.
264
00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,348
- Walk away.
- Okay.
265
00:09:57,795 --> 00:09:58,869
Great live comedy.
266
00:09:58,894 --> 00:10:00,378
Would you like to see
some comedy, miss?
267
00:10:00,403 --> 00:10:02,321
It's a really nice show.
I think you'll like it.
268
00:10:02,357 --> 00:10:04,223
Hey, we got Jim Gaffigan tonight. Jim...
269
00:10:04,258 --> 00:10:05,557
Come on, man.
270
00:10:05,593 --> 00:10:07,059
Live comedy tonight!
271
00:10:07,095 --> 00:10:08,227
Boston Comedy Club!
272
00:10:08,262 --> 00:10:10,896
Hey, we got Dave Chappelle
tonight, man. Dave Chappelle!
273
00:10:10,931 --> 00:10:12,731
I know you like Dave!
Half-Baked? Half-Baked?
274
00:10:12,766 --> 00:10:14,300
Yes, you love it. Hey, cool. Hey!
275
00:10:14,335 --> 00:10:16,334
Aah. Live comedy tonight!
276
00:10:16,370 --> 00:10:18,203
- Boston Comedy...
- What's up, man?
277
00:10:18,238 --> 00:10:20,438
- What?
- I'm having a problem.
278
00:10:20,474 --> 00:10:22,007
Somebody from the Greenwich Comedy Club
279
00:10:22,042 --> 00:10:24,409
came over and they're trying
to shake me from my corner.
280
00:10:24,444 --> 00:10:26,677
- Someone shook you from your corner?
- Yes.
281
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,546
Why the fuck are you
talking like you in The Wire?
282
00:10:28,581 --> 00:10:29,680
I haven't seen The Wire.
283
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,349
- What?
- There's no good way
284
00:10:31,385 --> 00:10:32,917
to tell people you
haven't seen The Wire.
285
00:10:32,952 --> 00:10:34,651
Look, this guy is on my corner.
286
00:10:34,686 --> 00:10:36,887
I'm just asking you how...
How do I handle that?
287
00:10:36,922 --> 00:10:38,155
Listen, man. I don't
know what to tell you.
288
00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:40,991
All right? 'Cause if you don't
get five, you don't get on.
289
00:10:41,027 --> 00:10:41,992
What would you do?
290
00:10:42,028 --> 00:10:43,927
I would tell the guy to
get the fuck off my corner.
291
00:10:43,962 --> 00:10:46,063
- You think that would work?
- It's not working now!
292
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,332
- Okay.
- Okay!
293
00:10:48,367 --> 00:10:50,066
I will leave because I'm a reason...
294
00:10:50,101 --> 00:10:51,901
- I'm sorry.
- Be reasonable and leave!
295
00:10:51,936 --> 00:10:53,202
- I'm being...
- Go!
296
00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:54,837
Thank you.
297
00:10:54,872 --> 00:10:57,306
298
00:11:01,012 --> 00:11:02,645
Great live comedy.
299
00:11:05,216 --> 00:11:06,649
Comedy?
300
00:11:07,278 --> 00:11:08,433
No?
301
00:11:10,287 --> 00:11:11,786
Great live comedy.
302
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,822
Hey, ladies, great live comedy tonight,
303
00:11:14,858 --> 00:11:17,625
- just a couple blocks away.
- [giggling, muttering]
304
00:11:17,661 --> 00:11:19,761
- Congratulations.
- [men speaking foreign language]
305
00:11:21,165 --> 00:11:23,665
Hey, uh, great live comedy tonight.
306
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:25,933
It's just three blocks
this way, to the right,
307
00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:27,334
one block up on your left.
308
00:11:27,370 --> 00:11:29,236
Uh, we are looking for the Blue Note.
309
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,072
We got... we got a great
live comedy show though.
310
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,973
You guys would love it. Stand-up comedy.
311
00:11:33,008 --> 00:11:34,908
No, no, no... No, no
comedy. Uh... Jaejue.
312
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,777
Uh... [imitates jazz cymbal]
313
00:11:36,812 --> 00:11:38,712
Yeah, jazz.
314
00:11:39,915 --> 00:11:44,016
[imitates trumpet]
315
00:11:44,052 --> 00:11:45,718
There you go.
316
00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:47,287
This guy's weird. I like that.
317
00:11:47,322 --> 00:11:49,522
Uh, yeah, the Blue Note's on Third.
318
00:11:49,547 --> 00:11:51,591
Uh, you're just gonna go
up there, bang a right.
319
00:11:51,626 --> 00:11:54,127
You'll... you'll run into it, actually.
320
00:11:54,162 --> 00:11:55,195
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome. Enjoy.
321
00:11:55,230 --> 00:11:57,130
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
- [all chatting]
322
00:11:57,165 --> 00:11:59,198
[imitates trumpet] Yeah.
323
00:12:00,401 --> 00:12:03,802
Yeah, all right, yeah. [imitates bass]
324
00:12:03,837 --> 00:12:05,437
Great live comedy?
325
00:12:05,473 --> 00:12:07,547
I also do jazz sounds.
326
00:12:08,008 --> 00:12:11,076
327
00:12:16,718 --> 00:12:18,716
We got a great live comedy show, sir.
328
00:12:18,751 --> 00:12:20,551
- Flick.
- No, thank you.
329
00:12:24,657 --> 00:12:26,524
Hey, guys. Great live comedy?
330
00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:28,459
We got a great live
comedy show. Two for one.
331
00:12:28,495 --> 00:12:30,027
You guys like Jerry Seinfeld?
332
00:12:31,397 --> 00:12:33,597
Man: Cool. I'll see y'all next time.
333
00:12:33,632 --> 00:12:35,064
Man: Oh. All right, man.
334
00:12:36,034 --> 00:12:38,468
I'm so sorry. I... I didn't...
335
00:12:38,504 --> 00:12:39,936
I didn't know it was business.
336
00:12:39,971 --> 00:12:41,545
And I'm not a narc.
337
00:12:42,274 --> 00:12:45,208
I'm sure that's what narcs
say, "I'm not a narc."
338
00:12:45,244 --> 00:12:46,976
They're not gonna say, "I'm a narc."
339
00:12:47,012 --> 00:12:48,845
That would be a really
bad strategy for a narc.
340
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:49,778
I'm really sorry.
341
00:12:49,813 --> 00:12:52,796
Do you have any interest...
in a comedy show?
342
00:12:53,417 --> 00:12:54,610
[scoffs]
343
00:12:55,955 --> 00:12:58,086
How much they pay you
to pass those flyers out?
344
00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,422
Oh, yeah, no.
345
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:03,429
I... I don't get paid. I hand these out.
346
00:13:03,454 --> 00:13:05,461
And if five people pay to come in,
347
00:13:05,496 --> 00:13:06,994
then I get to perform.
348
00:13:07,030 --> 00:13:09,164
Well, how much do they
pay you to perform?
349
00:13:10,244 --> 00:13:11,866
They don't... they
don't pay me to perform.
350
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:14,435
It's... The whole thing is kind of...
351
00:13:14,471 --> 00:13:15,936
gratis, you know?
352
00:13:15,972 --> 00:13:17,046
Fuck.
353
00:13:17,911 --> 00:13:18,926
Yeah.
354
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,443
Uh, it's all right.
355
00:13:23,022 --> 00:13:25,946
I know this is weird, but
could I ask you some advice?
356
00:13:25,981 --> 00:13:26,988
Yeah.
357
00:13:27,283 --> 00:13:30,684
If somebody, like...
This is your turf, right?
358
00:13:30,719 --> 00:13:32,852
And if somebody stole your turf,
359
00:13:32,888 --> 00:13:34,854
how would you... How
would you get it back?
360
00:13:34,890 --> 00:13:36,490
I mean, I don't really know.
361
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:39,493
To be honest with you, I
don't really have like, a turf.
362
00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:41,528
You know, I just kind of walk around
363
00:13:41,553 --> 00:13:44,897
with a look on my face
that says, "I have weed."
364
00:13:44,932 --> 00:13:46,165
- Weed face.
- Yeah.
365
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:48,501
I mean, someone's up in your shit?
366
00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:50,035
Yeah. You know, I...
367
00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:51,937
I don't know what to do.
I mean, what would you do
368
00:13:51,972 --> 00:13:53,939
if... if you went to the
bathroom and came back
369
00:13:53,974 --> 00:13:55,641
and there was another guy here?
370
00:13:55,677 --> 00:13:57,009
I'd just handle my business.
371
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,178
Okay, but how specifically
would you handle your business?
372
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:01,279
I'd get mine.
373
00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:03,548
Set it off. Be a man. Man up.
374
00:14:03,584 --> 00:14:05,025
You know, represent, man.
375
00:14:05,050 --> 00:14:07,619
Like represent an attitude?
376
00:14:07,654 --> 00:14:09,536
You gotta flip the switch, man.
377
00:14:10,113 --> 00:14:11,189
You gotta light it up.
378
00:14:11,404 --> 00:14:12,790
Sorry, a lot of these sound
379
00:14:12,826 --> 00:14:15,245
like lyrics from the album Willennium.
380
00:14:16,368 --> 00:14:19,459
I need like, real,
like, life application...
381
00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,397
like steps.
382
00:14:20,433 --> 00:14:23,767
Look, man, just be loud and opposin'.
383
00:14:23,802 --> 00:14:25,135
I'm mean, you're a giant, man.
384
00:14:25,170 --> 00:14:26,370
You're a tall dude.
385
00:14:26,405 --> 00:14:28,205
I have never been in a fight in my life.
386
00:14:28,241 --> 00:14:29,673
This is very soft.
387
00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:32,775
I'm like a Tempur-Pedic
mattress going at it.
388
00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:35,811
Trust me, nobody really wants to fight.
389
00:14:36,057 --> 00:14:37,347
I mean, people talk tough shit,
390
00:14:37,382 --> 00:14:39,081
but, you know, everyone's a coward.
391
00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:41,070
Yeah.
392
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:43,453
- Do you want to come...
- I'm... I'm good.
393
00:14:43,488 --> 00:14:44,687
I think I'm good.
394
00:14:44,723 --> 00:14:46,889
Do you know anybody that might
want to come to a comedy show?
395
00:14:47,174 --> 00:14:49,658
I mean, I guess I could
ask the dudes in my dorm.
396
00:14:50,151 --> 00:14:52,093
- You go to NYU?
- Yeah. I'm a sophomore.
397
00:14:52,129 --> 00:14:53,795
I study semiotics.
398
00:14:54,898 --> 00:14:56,097
- Yeah. All right.
- Yeah.
399
00:14:56,133 --> 00:14:59,368
Thank you. Good luck with your weed.
400
00:14:59,403 --> 00:15:00,769
And your studies.
401
00:15:00,804 --> 00:15:03,338
Thanks, man. I... I appreciate that.
402
00:15:03,374 --> 00:15:06,140
Greenwich Comedy Club. Check it out.
403
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:08,476
Wanna see a show tonight?
Greenwich Village Comedy Club.
404
00:15:08,511 --> 00:15:09,543
- No.
- Great show.
405
00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,379
Hey, how you doin'? We got
a great live comedy show.
406
00:15:11,414 --> 00:15:13,514
- The best comedy club in town.
- What the fuck are you doing?
407
00:15:13,549 --> 00:15:15,616
Handling my business. We
got a great live comedy show.
408
00:15:15,652 --> 00:15:17,184
- Boston Comedy Club...
- Hey, check it out...
409
00:15:17,219 --> 00:15:18,586
[overlapping chatter]
410
00:15:18,621 --> 00:15:21,221
- Louis CK is at the Boston Comedy Club.
- Check it out.
411
00:15:21,257 --> 00:15:22,489
- You like comedy?
- Ray Romano...
412
00:15:22,524 --> 00:15:24,824
- You like Eddie Murphy, right?
- ...at the Boston Comedy Club.
413
00:15:24,859 --> 00:15:28,161
- We got, uh, Kevin Hart!
- We got Jerry Seinfeld.
414
00:15:28,196 --> 00:15:30,897
Two-for-one if you want to see
Chris Rock at the Boston Comedy Club.
415
00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:33,032
- Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
416
00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,867
- Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
417
00:15:34,903 --> 00:15:36,403
- We got Jerry Seinfeld!
- Jerry Seinfeld!
418
00:15:36,438 --> 00:15:37,537
All right, listen to me, asshole.
419
00:15:37,572 --> 00:15:39,272
Just walk off the corner, okay?
420
00:15:39,307 --> 00:15:41,573
I was thinking about it. I'm
not gonna walk off the block.
421
00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:43,475
'Cause what are you gonna do?
422
00:15:43,511 --> 00:15:46,545
What's that a laser pointer?
Are you gonna give me a TED Talk?
423
00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:48,113
[clacks]
424
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,616
That's an ASP, bitch.
425
00:15:50,651 --> 00:15:52,083
Active Self Protection.
426
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,619
What, your mom get that for you?
427
00:15:53,654 --> 00:15:55,053
- Yeah.
- You crazy!
428
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,421
- Yeah, I am crazy!
- Geez!
429
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,455
Cut it out! Aah!
430
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,424
- What do you think of that?
- That really hurts!
431
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,225
Get away from me!
432
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,194
Oh, you're in trouble now.
433
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,575
What the fuck?
434
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,565
Oh, my God.
435
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,266
- You got a fuckin' problem?
- No.
436
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,235
- Uh, whoa.
- Geez.
437
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,670
- I don't think...
- I'm so sorry.
438
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:15,305
- You broke my fucking window!
- Run!
439
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,407
This wasn't about you. I'm so sorry.
440
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:18,608
He stole my corner.
441
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,644
I gotta get five people or
I don't get to go on stage.
442
00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:23,046
- I don't give a fuck!
- I think we can talk.
443
00:16:23,081 --> 00:16:25,114
Talk?! Goddammit!
444
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:26,416
Come on, man!
445
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:27,984
- Son of a bitch!
- I'm sorry!
446
00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:29,786
I've got your ass, motherfucker!
447
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:30,919
You fucker!
448
00:16:32,523 --> 00:16:34,056
[tires screeching]
449
00:16:34,091 --> 00:16:35,190
[people gasping]
450
00:16:35,226 --> 00:16:37,560
[screams] My leg!
451
00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:39,261
- My fuckin' leg!
- Oh...
452
00:16:39,296 --> 00:16:42,264
I'm so sorry, man! You
came out of nowhere!
453
00:16:42,299 --> 00:16:43,566
Man: Oh, man! My foot!
454
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:46,569
Yeah, hello. We need an ambulanc
here, on Third and Thompson!
455
00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,236
Man got hit by a car!
456
00:16:48,271 --> 00:16:49,771
Call 911!
457
00:16:49,806 --> 00:16:51,339
Yeah... I'm doing it now!
458
00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:53,107
Yeah, we need an ambulance now.
459
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,576
Yes, Third and Thompson!
460
00:16:54,611 --> 00:16:57,011
- Stop moving, bro.
- Yo, ambulance is coming.
461
00:16:57,046 --> 00:16:58,780
Driver: You are drunk.
You obviously are drunk.
462
00:16:58,815 --> 00:17:00,515
We got a great live comedy show.
463
00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:03,150
Two for one. Jerry
Seinfeld, Chris Rock...
464
00:17:03,186 --> 00:17:05,886
Man: Piece of shit, dude!
You can't fucking drive!
465
00:17:05,921 --> 00:17:07,220
Driver: You're drunk!
466
00:17:07,256 --> 00:17:10,924
Live comedy show. Jerry Seinfeld.
467
00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:14,294
468
00:17:20,836 --> 00:17:22,123
What's going on, are we done?
469
00:17:22,148 --> 00:17:24,303
No, Hannibal's going up at the Boston.
470
00:17:24,338 --> 00:17:26,439
- Seriously. Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
471
00:17:26,474 --> 00:17:28,040
[applause]
472
00:17:28,075 --> 00:17:30,476
Hannibal Buress: Act like I
don't know when I get there.
473
00:17:30,512 --> 00:17:31,911
Hey, man, this place is beautiful.
474
00:17:31,946 --> 00:17:33,078
Congratulations, how
much did it cost you?
475
00:17:33,114 --> 00:17:35,314
Come on, man, I don't want
to talk about money right now.
476
00:17:35,349 --> 00:17:37,417
All right, cool, I'll
be back in ten seconds.
477
00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:39,117
[laughter]
478
00:17:39,152 --> 00:17:41,286
- Nobody tells me.
- Shut up. Come on.
479
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,722
I've been dabbling in Cialis.
480
00:17:43,757 --> 00:17:47,526
[laughter]
481
00:17:47,561 --> 00:17:49,333
If you don't know, Cialis is a male
482
00:17:49,358 --> 00:17:51,663
enhancement drug, and
I don't feel ashamed.
483
00:17:51,698 --> 00:17:54,132
Once of my friends gave me one.
484
00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:57,301
And I tried it out, I
was like, "I like this."
485
00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:59,369
I like what this is doing for me.
486
00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:02,112
It's great. It's amazing.
487
00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:06,009
And I don't tell the
girls I'm on Cialis.
488
00:18:06,045 --> 00:18:09,179
I just dick 'em down and act
like that's how I always do it.
489
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,348
[laughing]
490
00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:13,382
Just straight... Bow! Bow!
491
00:18:13,418 --> 00:18:15,752
"Wow! You're a machine!"
492
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,989
I only know about
Viagra not from friends,
493
00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:21,491
but just through jokes.
494
00:18:21,526 --> 00:18:23,827
- Can't fucking believe this.
- I know, this is incredible.
495
00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:26,729
No, dipshit, I can't believe you're
not on your fucking corner right now.
496
00:18:26,765 --> 00:18:29,098
Why are you in here as
opposed to being out there
497
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,699
telling people to come in here?
498
00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,033
Hannibal Buress is on stage...
499
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,717
I know Hannibal Buress
is on the fucking stage.
500
00:18:33,742 --> 00:18:35,161
And if you told the fucking people on
501
00:18:35,186 --> 00:18:36,772
the sidewalk that
Hannibal was on stage,
502
00:18:36,807 --> 00:18:38,273
maybe they would come in here.
503
00:18:38,308 --> 00:18:40,609
Those guys get to watch!
Why do they get to watch?
504
00:18:40,644 --> 00:18:43,545
They all brought in five people.
You brought in two people.
505
00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,814
I could drop a sandwich board
in the middle of the sidewalk
506
00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:47,548
and get more than two
people in this place.
507
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,584
And I... Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey!
508
00:18:49,619 --> 00:18:51,251
Anaya brought in 13 people.
509
00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:53,153
Well, that's more than enough.
Can I have some of hers?
510
00:18:53,189 --> 00:18:55,122
- Come on, come on, let's go. Come on.
- I'm just saying...
511
00:18:55,157 --> 00:18:56,457
Get the fuck out there. Let's go.
512
00:18:56,493 --> 00:18:58,158
Cialis make you fuck her good,
513
00:18:58,194 --> 00:19:00,227
but not enough for her to fall in love.
514
00:19:00,262 --> 00:19:03,297
[laughing]
515
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,100
You like Hannibal Buress? I love him.
516
00:19:06,802 --> 00:19:10,036
Hannibal Buress, one of my
personal favorite comedians,
517
00:19:10,071 --> 00:19:13,348
is on stage at the terrible
Boston Comedy Club right now.
518
00:19:13,709 --> 00:19:15,542
- You guys want to see Hannibal Buress?
- Oh, my God, Hannibal?
519
00:19:15,577 --> 00:19:18,478
Yeah, right. These guys
are always full of shit.
520
00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:22,347
Nope. He's really there.
521
00:19:22,778 --> 00:19:26,051
Two-for-one, Hannibal
Buress at the Boston...
522
00:19:26,086 --> 00:19:27,987
- Hey.
- Oh.
523
00:19:29,423 --> 00:19:30,956
- Marina.
- Yeah.
524
00:19:30,992 --> 00:19:32,900
- How's it going?
- Pretty good.
525
00:19:33,814 --> 00:19:35,702
You were really great
on Conan, by the way.
526
00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:38,195
Aw, you know what, I
really appreciate that.
527
00:19:38,231 --> 00:19:39,998
- Yeah.
- Are you all right? 'Cause, you know,
528
00:19:40,033 --> 00:19:41,791
I saw Jason back there. He was kind
529
00:19:41,816 --> 00:19:43,801
of rough on you. He was being a dick.
530
00:19:44,556 --> 00:19:46,938
You know, it's... It's fine.
531
00:19:46,973 --> 00:19:49,741
I'm kind of feeling degraded
532
00:19:49,776 --> 00:19:51,676
and it's kind of crushing my soul.
533
00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:54,345
I feel a little bit like a prostitute.
534
00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:56,279
- Kind of sucks.
- Well, you know,
535
00:19:56,314 --> 00:19:57,447
prostitutes get paid.
536
00:19:57,482 --> 00:19:59,416
You're right. So it's worse.
537
00:19:59,451 --> 00:20:01,518
[laughing] I didn't think... Okay.
538
00:20:01,554 --> 00:20:03,420
I'm like a free
prostitute. I'm just a...
539
00:20:03,455 --> 00:20:06,423
I'm just a loose woman
at the office party.
540
00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:07,925
It's all right, man. Hang in there,
541
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,426
'cause, you know, we've all been here.
542
00:20:09,461 --> 00:20:11,361
I've been here, I used to do this.
543
00:20:11,396 --> 00:20:12,895
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
544
00:20:12,931 --> 00:20:14,830
I used to bark at the
Broadway Comedy Club.
545
00:20:14,866 --> 00:20:18,100
It there's anything worse than
the Boston, it's the Broadway.
546
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,936
Well, that... That makes me feel better.
547
00:20:19,971 --> 00:20:22,404
But, you know, this is the
game. This is what it is.
548
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,373
Like, you know, if it sucks,
549
00:20:24,408 --> 00:20:26,308
like, that's when you
know you're doing it right.
550
00:20:26,343 --> 00:20:29,401
In five years, they're
gonna be begging for it.
551
00:20:29,713 --> 00:20:31,245
Okay? So you're good.
552
00:20:31,281 --> 00:20:32,681
- All right.
- Yeah.
553
00:20:32,716 --> 00:20:34,315
- Thanks so much.
- Yeah, right.
554
00:20:35,351 --> 00:20:38,119
Hey, Hannibal Buress
is on stage right now,
555
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,487
that's a great show.
556
00:20:39,522 --> 00:20:42,490
I got two-for-one for Hannibal Buress.
557
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:46,347
So, did I get my five?
558
00:20:46,896 --> 00:20:48,062
You barely squeaked by.
559
00:20:48,097 --> 00:20:50,230
Couldn't get more than three
people with Hannibal Buress?
560
00:20:50,265 --> 00:20:52,432
Okay, that's the problem
with lying, Jason.
561
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:54,468
Nobody believed me
when I said he was here.
562
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,704
It's like the boy who
cried Seinfeld out there.
563
00:20:57,661 --> 00:20:58,842
Where'd everybody go?
564
00:20:59,192 --> 00:21:00,874
- They left with Hannibal.
- This is what happens
565
00:21:00,910 --> 00:21:02,775
when we run a deceitful operation.
566
00:21:02,811 --> 00:21:04,577
We're out there lying, they come in...
567
00:21:04,613 --> 00:21:06,479
[sniffs]... they smell the nonsense.
568
00:21:06,514 --> 00:21:08,114
They leave once the hot stuff's gone,
569
00:21:08,149 --> 00:21:10,249
and now there's nothing
left for the little guy.
570
00:21:10,284 --> 00:21:12,752
This is a flyer, not a liar, okay?
571
00:21:12,787 --> 00:21:14,120
Save it for the stage, Pete.
572
00:21:14,155 --> 00:21:15,354
It's not good enough for the stage.
573
00:21:15,389 --> 00:21:17,790
It's good enough for you. Do
you want to go on stage, Pete?
574
00:21:17,826 --> 00:21:19,058
Yes. I'm sorry.
575
00:21:19,094 --> 00:21:20,626
Go inside, Pete.
576
00:21:20,661 --> 00:21:22,537
Hey, have you heard anybody doing
577
00:21:22,562 --> 00:21:24,379
premise for their cum
tastes like vanilla?
578
00:21:24,898 --> 00:21:26,498
- No.
- Okay. Good.
579
00:21:26,533 --> 00:21:28,800
So the chick says, "I think I love you,
580
00:21:28,836 --> 00:21:31,057
but your cum tastes like vanilla."
581
00:21:31,338 --> 00:21:32,938
[one person laughs]
582
00:21:35,743 --> 00:21:37,407
I'm just watching a basketball game,
583
00:21:37,443 --> 00:21:40,444
12,000 people in the stands,
most of them are white,
584
00:21:40,479 --> 00:21:42,246
I mean, somebody's gotta be racist.
585
00:21:42,281 --> 00:21:45,750
It's gotta tear you up inside
being a racist basketball fan.
586
00:21:45,785 --> 00:21:48,085
You're up there thinking,
"I hate black people,
587
00:21:48,121 --> 00:21:50,849
except for these five guys. Go defense!"
588
00:21:51,279 --> 00:21:53,624
[scattered chuckles]
589
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,826
Good night, everybody.
590
00:21:56,862 --> 00:21:58,528
Yeah! Clap it up!
591
00:21:58,563 --> 00:22:00,630
Jason Webber, everybody.
592
00:22:00,666 --> 00:22:02,298
Nicely done, Jason.
593
00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:05,468
Come on, there it is.
Any tourists in the crowd?
594
00:22:05,503 --> 00:22:07,203
[man coughs]
595
00:22:07,238 --> 00:22:10,739
All right, what do you say we
keep this moving right along.
596
00:22:10,775 --> 00:22:13,976
Uh, very funny dude
is coming up right now.
597
00:22:14,011 --> 00:22:16,311
Put your hands together for Pete...
598
00:22:16,581 --> 00:22:19,048
Holmes, everybody, Pete Holmes!
599
00:22:19,083 --> 00:22:20,693
Clap it up for him.
600
00:22:21,085 --> 00:22:23,518
[scattered applause]
601
00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:27,156
You ever hail a cab just
to stop it from hitting you?
602
00:22:27,191 --> 00:22:29,090
[scattered chuckles]
603
00:22:30,089 --> 00:22:31,826
I never know what to tip those guys.
604
00:22:31,861 --> 00:22:33,728
[chuckling]
605
00:22:34,199 --> 00:22:36,306
I feel like cops in shorts should
606
00:22:36,331 --> 00:22:38,733
only be allowed to arrest children.
607
00:22:38,768 --> 00:22:40,120
[chuckles]
608
00:22:40,145 --> 00:22:41,872
Put on a long pant if you want to
609
00:22:41,897 --> 00:22:43,938
take down a man, is what I'm saying.
610
00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:48,408
- [door opens]
- Um...
611
00:22:48,443 --> 00:22:53,180
[boisterous chattering]
612
00:22:53,215 --> 00:22:55,315
Pete: My jazz friends.
613
00:22:55,350 --> 00:22:57,617
[chattering continues]
614
00:22:57,652 --> 00:22:59,786
Hey! Hey, all right!
615
00:22:59,822 --> 00:23:03,022
You saw jazz, now you're
seeing stand-up comedy.
616
00:23:03,057 --> 00:23:06,156
These are our two
major American exports.
617
00:23:06,794 --> 00:23:10,329
Yeah. If you see a serial killer
later, you'll have seen all three.
618
00:23:10,364 --> 00:23:11,496
[laughing]
619
00:23:11,532 --> 00:23:13,632
I played baseball when
I was a kid, you know.
620
00:23:13,667 --> 00:23:17,036
It's awkward because I
was the pudgy, awkward kid.
621
00:23:17,071 --> 00:23:19,738
Or in Little League
terms, I was the catcher.
622
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,239
[laughing]
623
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:23,908
It's the only position where
you get to sit the whole game,
624
00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,409
so I was like, "Tell me more."
625
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:27,746
It's really fun when you're the catcher,
626
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:29,872
except you're the only kid on the
627
00:23:29,897 --> 00:23:32,217
team that has to wear a jockstrap.
628
00:23:32,252 --> 00:23:34,318
[laughing] So, ooh, you know!
629
00:23:34,354 --> 00:23:36,286
Which is awkward when you're a child
630
00:23:36,321 --> 00:23:38,756
'cause they don't
really come in your size.
631
00:23:38,791 --> 00:23:41,225
You just have to get
the smallest adult size,
632
00:23:41,260 --> 00:23:42,793
which is gigantic.
633
00:23:42,828 --> 00:23:45,829
It's like getting a three-car
garage to protect my tricycle,
634
00:23:45,865 --> 00:23:47,297
you know what I mean?
635
00:23:47,332 --> 00:23:48,531
I remember trying it on me,
636
00:23:48,567 --> 00:23:50,901
like, "I don't think
this is going to work.
637
00:23:50,936 --> 00:23:54,436
Maybe I should get the top
half of a pistachio shell
638
00:23:54,472 --> 00:23:57,840
- and a rubber band."
- [laughing]
639
00:23:57,876 --> 00:24:00,576
I used a vending machine
earlier this week.
640
00:24:00,611 --> 00:24:03,179
Not only did it give me my snack,
641
00:24:03,446 --> 00:24:06,015
it gave me all my money back.
642
00:24:06,050 --> 00:24:08,050
- [laughing]
- Yeah.
643
00:24:08,086 --> 00:24:10,385
So I was like, "I
guess we're dating now."
644
00:24:10,420 --> 00:24:12,556
[laughing]
645
00:24:13,857 --> 00:24:17,336
Yeah. It's like, "You just
fulfilled all my needs.
646
00:24:19,329 --> 00:24:21,729
And you're not too bad
on the eyes, either."
647
00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,066
Little something for everyone.
648
00:24:25,759 --> 00:24:28,535
I had a roommate in college
who was a gutter punk.
649
00:24:28,570 --> 00:24:30,207
You guys know what punks are?
650
00:24:30,572 --> 00:24:32,840
Punks, yeah, yeah,
with the hair, you know?
651
00:24:32,875 --> 00:24:36,743
Yeah, they look like a
fancy bird that no one loved.
652
00:24:36,779 --> 00:24:39,213
A gutter punk is a punk
653
00:24:39,248 --> 00:24:41,148
without any sort of class or dignity
654
00:24:41,184 --> 00:24:43,883
and lives in the street,
but somehow has nine dogs.
655
00:24:43,919 --> 00:24:46,186
No money, but nine dogs.
656
00:24:46,221 --> 00:24:48,021
Y'all watch porn at work?
657
00:24:48,056 --> 00:24:49,889
Yeah! Yeah!
658
00:24:49,925 --> 00:24:51,524
Oh, this section?
659
00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:53,426
Okay. Uh... I like porn.
660
00:24:53,461 --> 00:24:55,695
Sometimes when I watch porn,
I like to turn it up real loud
661
00:24:55,730 --> 00:24:58,097
so my neighbors think
it's me fucking next door.
662
00:24:58,133 --> 00:24:59,933
[laughing]
663
00:25:01,468 --> 00:25:02,974
They get so confused. "Oh, my God!
664
00:25:02,999 --> 00:25:04,569
Is he... Oh, shit! He's amazing."
665
00:25:04,604 --> 00:25:07,971
And he plays saxophone, too?"
Like, you know what I mean?
666
00:25:08,742 --> 00:25:11,243
Hey, y'all are like a
Korean Def Jam audience.
667
00:25:11,278 --> 00:25:12,677
This is dope.
668
00:25:12,713 --> 00:25:13,912
Whoo!
669
00:25:13,948 --> 00:25:15,580
- [laughing]
- Very funny!
670
00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:16,715
Thanks man, I appreciate it.
671
00:25:17,758 --> 00:25:18,782
Good night.
672
00:25:20,905 --> 00:25:24,040
Hey. You know, you're not un-funny.
673
00:25:24,304 --> 00:25:25,689
I made a couple of notes.
674
00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:27,944
I used to do a little
coaching on the side.
675
00:25:27,969 --> 00:25:30,461
Don't take the mic out of the
stand for the first three years.
676
00:25:30,496 --> 00:25:32,463
You're not ready for
that. Focus on the words.
677
00:25:32,498 --> 00:25:34,232
Then you'll work on the physicality.
678
00:25:34,267 --> 00:25:36,933
You should use more
old video game shirts.
679
00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:38,501
Atari, Nintendo,
680
00:25:38,536 --> 00:25:40,170
helps you connect with
the kinds of people
681
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,239
that would be interested in
buying something of yours.
682
00:25:42,274 --> 00:25:45,108
Also, the weight. You
gotta lose ten or gain 50.
683
00:25:45,143 --> 00:25:46,866
You're somewhere in the middle. Are you
684
00:25:46,891 --> 00:25:49,047
- skinny, are you fat? We don't know.
- I...
685
00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:52,014
Good job pulling in that crowd tonight.
686
00:25:52,049 --> 00:25:53,916
Uh, thanks, Jason.
687
00:25:53,951 --> 00:25:57,019
I, uh, I mean, what was that, 30,
688
00:25:57,054 --> 00:25:58,954
20 people maybe? I mean.
689
00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:01,290
Aah. You only had one flyer though.
690
00:26:01,325 --> 00:26:02,491
- Yeah, but you...
- I'm kidding.
691
00:26:02,526 --> 00:26:04,693
Come back tomorrow night,
I'll put you on even earlier.
692
00:26:04,728 --> 00:26:05,873
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
693
00:26:06,364 --> 00:26:07,863
Yeah, no, I'll be here.
694
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,898
- Thanks, man.
- Have a good night.
695
00:26:09,933 --> 00:26:11,212
You too.
696
00:26:11,434 --> 00:26:14,035
And keep up the energy up front,
in your act, when you come out.
697
00:26:14,070 --> 00:26:16,704
- Yeah. Sure.
- Wink, smile.
698
00:26:16,965 --> 00:26:19,746
"Any birthdays in the crowd?"
People love that stuff.
699
00:26:22,379 --> 00:26:24,312
- Whoo.
- Right?
700
00:26:24,347 --> 00:26:25,613
Yeah. That was good.
701
00:26:25,648 --> 00:26:26,914
- That was dope.
- It was fine.
702
00:26:26,949 --> 00:26:28,181
- That was nice.
- Shut up, man.
703
00:26:28,217 --> 00:26:29,150
- What?
- It was fine.
704
00:26:29,175 --> 00:26:30,759
It was just a
bunch of Korean tourists.
705
00:26:30,784 --> 00:26:32,485
You know, they were laughing
because we were pausing,
706
00:26:32,521 --> 00:26:35,055
and they were just happy that they
weren't in their home country anymore
707
00:26:35,090 --> 00:26:36,856
because they normally
watch shows at gunpoint.
708
00:26:36,892 --> 00:26:39,393
- How do you know this?
- They were not from North Korea.
709
00:26:39,428 --> 00:26:40,760
That's the top one, by the way.
710
00:26:40,796 --> 00:26:42,762
- I know there's two!
- You do?
711
00:26:42,798 --> 00:26:45,564
- Do you?
- One is ours and one is theirs.
712
00:26:45,599 --> 00:26:47,133
- [laughing] What?
- Right?
713
00:26:47,168 --> 00:26:49,435
It's... Whatever. I know
I did better than Hannibal.
714
00:26:49,470 --> 00:26:51,370
[laughter]
715
00:26:51,406 --> 00:26:53,705
Yo, are you fucking kidding me?
716
00:26:53,741 --> 00:26:55,174
No. I did great.
717
00:26:55,209 --> 00:26:59,578
You literally did four
minutes of filler and setup.
718
00:26:59,613 --> 00:27:02,147
Hannibal's so good, he
could make your shit funny.
719
00:27:02,182 --> 00:27:03,815
- That's all I'm saying.
- It's a rhythm thing.
720
00:27:03,850 --> 00:27:05,550
- What are you...
- You just do it with rhythm.
721
00:27:05,585 --> 00:27:07,252
He's a genius, man. He's a genius.
722
00:27:07,287 --> 00:27:09,154
Your rhythm is yelling through a beard.
723
00:27:09,189 --> 00:27:11,122
Whatever. He just says things funny.
724
00:27:11,158 --> 00:27:13,091
Whatever, Porter. I
have a 1:00 a.m. spot
725
00:27:13,126 --> 00:27:14,759
to go work on my rhythm.
726
00:27:14,794 --> 00:27:16,294
Can I come?
727
00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:19,163
Oh, please don't say that.
That was very creepy.
728
00:27:19,198 --> 00:27:21,065
- Yeah.
- Very creepy. That was uncomfortable.
729
00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:22,333
Yeah. You just join. You just walk.
730
00:27:22,368 --> 00:27:24,201
- I just mean...
- Just exist, man.
731
00:27:24,236 --> 00:27:26,437
I'm being polite. I want to
make a connection with you guys.
732
00:27:26,472 --> 00:27:28,305
- That's really gross.
- Yeah, it was very, like,
733
00:27:28,341 --> 00:27:30,907
- just slimy. Like, "Can I join?"
- "Can I come?"
734
00:27:30,943 --> 00:27:33,910
You sound like the
boy from Secret Garden.
735
00:27:35,580 --> 00:27:37,280
What neighborhood do you guys live in?
736
00:27:37,315 --> 00:27:38,348
Okay.
737
00:27:38,383 --> 00:27:39,849
You know that that was creepier than
738
00:27:39,884 --> 00:27:42,018
- the last thing you said.
- You know what that sounded like.
739
00:27:42,053 --> 00:27:43,853
Ask me where I live.
740
00:27:43,888 --> 00:27:44,934
- No!
- No.
741
00:27:44,983 --> 00:27:46,434
I'm sure it's under
a bridge somewhere.
742
00:27:46,459 --> 00:27:47,279
Kind of.
743
00:27:47,993 --> 00:27:51,559
East Side, West Side
744
00:27:51,595 --> 00:27:54,829
All around the town
745
00:27:54,865 --> 00:27:58,000
The tots sang
"Ring-a-rosie"
746
00:27:58,035 --> 00:28:02,604
"London Bridge is falling down"
747
00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:06,174
Boys and girls together
748
00:28:06,210 --> 00:28:10,111
Me and Mamie O'Rourke
749
00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:12,646
Tripped the light fantastic
750
00:28:12,681 --> 00:28:17,284
On the sidewalks of New York
751
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,088
East Side, West Side
752
00:28:21,124 --> 00:28:24,625
All around the town
753
00:28:24,660 --> 00:28:27,593
The tots sang
"Ring-a-rosie"
754
00:28:27,629 --> 00:28:30,696
"London Bridge is falling down"
755
00:28:32,401 --> 00:28:36,136
Boys and girls together
756
00:28:36,171 --> 00:28:38,871
Me and Mamie O'Rourke
757
00:28:39,908 --> 00:28:42,841
Tripped the light fantastic
758
00:28:42,876 --> 00:28:45,544
On the sidewalks
759
00:28:45,579 --> 00:28:49,281
Of New York
760
00:28:49,359 --> 00:28:51,913
Synced an corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
761
00:28:51,963 --> 00:28:56,513
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
56488
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