All language subtitles for Crashing s01e04 Barking.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:13,932 [honking] 2 00:00:14,090 --> 00:00:15,622 Hey. Excuse me. 3 00:00:15,658 --> 00:00:17,391 Yeah, show starts at 8:30 tonight. 4 00:00:17,426 --> 00:00:19,493 It's a... it's a great show. All headliner showcase. 5 00:00:19,528 --> 00:00:21,027 - Two for one. - No, sorry. 6 00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:22,996 My name is Pete. I'm a... I'm a comedian. 7 00:00:23,031 --> 00:00:24,397 Oh, hey, Pete. Nice to meet you. 8 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:27,010 Hi. Uh, somebody told me that you guys... 9 00:00:27,035 --> 00:00:29,236 I'm gonna stop you there, Pete. I know what somebody told you. 10 00:00:29,271 --> 00:00:30,570 You're looking for stage time, right? 11 00:00:30,605 --> 00:00:31,838 You got that soft, scared look in your eye 12 00:00:31,874 --> 00:00:34,241 like your mother just dropped you off at the Mall of America. 13 00:00:34,276 --> 00:00:36,676 Listen, I got all the fucking comedians I can handle. 14 00:00:36,701 --> 00:00:38,043 What I need is some audience. 15 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:40,012 You know? Fuck, I need less comedians. 16 00:00:40,047 --> 00:00:41,813 I'd love to help ya, but, uh, I can't. 17 00:00:41,849 --> 00:00:44,020 So, God bless, good luck, fuck off. 18 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:45,243 There's nothing I can do. 19 00:00:46,067 --> 00:00:47,767 Hold on. You... you're a comedian. 20 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,368 Yeah. 21 00:00:49,403 --> 00:00:50,436 You know my shit? 22 00:00:50,816 --> 00:00:52,371 No. I'm sorry. 23 00:00:52,406 --> 00:00:53,873 But you get how it is, man. 24 00:00:53,908 --> 00:00:56,207 I gotta pay $14 to do an open mic. 25 00:00:56,242 --> 00:00:58,643 I'm performing for other people who are waiting to perform. 26 00:00:58,679 --> 00:00:59,711 I... I need a real club. 27 00:00:59,746 --> 00:01:01,546 There's nothing I can do. I don't... I mean... 28 00:01:01,582 --> 00:01:03,081 unless you wanna bark. 29 00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:05,267 What? Yes, I'll do that. What's that? 30 00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:07,652 Well, a lot of guys think it puts kind of a stink on you. 31 00:01:07,688 --> 00:01:09,688 But, you know, I mean, it's when you take these flyers 32 00:01:09,723 --> 00:01:12,222 and you put your name on the back and you go to the corner, 33 00:01:12,257 --> 00:01:13,589 if you get five paying customers by the 34 00:01:13,614 --> 00:01:15,058 end of the night, we'll put you on stage, 35 00:01:15,094 --> 00:01:17,327 but... it's a big if... If there's still audience here. 36 00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:19,563 So it's a butt-fuck, but it's the butt-fuck I'm offering. 37 00:01:19,599 --> 00:01:22,417 I accept your butt-fuck. That, I... Yes. 38 00:01:22,609 --> 00:01:23,909 Not so fast. 39 00:01:24,123 --> 00:01:25,689 Let's see your moves. 40 00:01:25,714 --> 00:01:27,437 - What, now? - Yeah, now. 41 00:01:27,473 --> 00:01:28,838 Uh... 42 00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:31,273 Hey, do you have plans tonight? 43 00:01:31,309 --> 00:01:32,775 We've got a great show. 44 00:01:32,811 --> 00:01:33,963 Madame? 45 00:01:34,513 --> 00:01:35,979 Hey, comedy! He looked busy. 46 00:01:36,014 --> 00:01:37,981 Yeah, they're all busy. They're walking, Pete. 47 00:01:38,016 --> 00:01:39,582 Move the flyer. Move the flyer. 48 00:01:39,618 --> 00:01:41,183 Flick. When it goes back in the stack, 49 00:01:41,219 --> 00:01:42,919 - you wanna flick it. - Flick it in the sack. 50 00:01:42,954 --> 00:01:45,454 Come here. Give me this. Let me show you how it's done. 51 00:01:45,490 --> 00:01:46,688 Big man! Comedy show tonight. 52 00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:48,924 - All headliner showcase. - Not interested. 53 00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:51,527 Not interested? Come on, come on. It's the best show in town. 54 00:01:51,562 --> 00:01:53,529 - What do you got to do? - Dude, fuck off, man. 55 00:01:53,564 --> 00:01:54,997 Fuck... Fuck off? 56 00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,498 This is the best fucking show in town! 57 00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:57,566 Fuck comedy. 58 00:01:57,601 --> 00:02:00,068 Fuck comedy? Hey, fuck you! 59 00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:03,404 Fuck me? Fuck you! 60 00:02:03,431 --> 00:02:04,697 Honey, babe, it's okay. 61 00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:06,473 - Fuckin' asshole. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 62 00:02:06,509 --> 00:02:09,476 Keep walkin'. I hope you both have a bunch of kids! 63 00:02:09,512 --> 00:02:11,679 And you gotta deal with all of the associated 64 00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:14,682 responsibilities, you... you cock-sucker! 65 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,116 Fuck you! 66 00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:22,538 That's how it's done, my friend. 67 00:02:26,327 --> 00:02:28,762 - [laughter] - Man: Geez. 68 00:02:31,232 --> 00:02:32,566 What's up, guys? 69 00:02:32,601 --> 00:02:34,400 Uh, I'm Pete. 70 00:02:34,436 --> 00:02:36,269 You barking too? 71 00:02:36,304 --> 00:02:37,803 Yeah. Yeah, man. 72 00:02:37,838 --> 00:02:40,272 Did you guys look closely at this flyer at all? 73 00:02:40,307 --> 00:02:43,308 I mean, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, 74 00:02:43,343 --> 00:02:45,844 do any of these people actually perform here? 75 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,880 - Fuck no. - Yeah, Ben Stiller's on there. 76 00:02:47,915 --> 00:02:49,241 He's not even a comic. 77 00:02:49,452 --> 00:02:51,050 Ray Romano came in here once, on accident. 78 00:02:51,085 --> 00:02:52,903 But then he just used the shitter and he left. 79 00:02:52,928 --> 00:02:55,753 Where you guys are concerned, they're all here, okay? 80 00:02:55,789 --> 00:02:58,656 Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, 81 00:02:58,692 --> 00:03:01,677 you tell 'em we're re-animating Richard fucking Pryor 82 00:03:01,702 --> 00:03:03,427 if that'll get 'em through this door. 83 00:03:03,463 --> 00:03:05,830 All right? Boy scout, we're not selling Thin Mints here. 84 00:03:05,865 --> 00:03:08,466 We haven't been saying Bill Cosby as much recently. 85 00:03:08,501 --> 00:03:09,601 Man: Yeah. 86 00:03:09,636 --> 00:03:12,268 I just don't know if I feel comfortable lying to people. 87 00:03:12,304 --> 00:03:14,370 And do you feel more comfortable not performing? 88 00:03:15,106 --> 00:03:16,907 There's gotta be a middle ground there. 89 00:03:16,942 --> 00:03:19,943 I mean, even if we do get them in here with lies, 90 00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:22,112 they're gonna know it's a bait and switch. 91 00:03:22,147 --> 00:03:23,914 No, they're not. They're stupid tourists. 92 00:03:23,949 --> 00:03:27,050 It's like who comes to New York and doesn't have a plan? 93 00:03:27,086 --> 00:03:29,018 Yeah, they're gonna end up at like a Panera Bread 94 00:03:29,053 --> 00:03:30,727 or get human-trafficked. 95 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,454 Is that a verb, "human-trafficked"? 96 00:03:32,490 --> 00:03:33,723 When they do it to you. 97 00:03:35,359 --> 00:03:36,291 What? 98 00:03:36,327 --> 00:03:38,894 I'm at MacDougal and Third. I... 99 00:03:38,930 --> 00:03:40,057 Ugh! Lucky! 100 00:03:40,665 --> 00:03:42,164 Is that good? 101 00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:44,933 No, they're all shitty, but you got the least shitty. 102 00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:47,301 I'm in front of an NYU dorm. 103 00:03:47,337 --> 00:03:50,238 It's like these kids are too smart to fall for this shit. 104 00:03:51,341 --> 00:03:53,074 - Comedy tonight? - Thank you. 105 00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:54,142 You guys eat here? 106 00:03:54,177 --> 00:03:56,811 Oh, yeah, you can't bark for four hours and not eat. 107 00:03:58,148 --> 00:03:59,648 Four hours? 108 00:03:59,683 --> 00:04:01,815 Woman: The guy before me, he's already tanking 109 00:04:01,851 --> 00:04:03,617 and then for his closer, he decides to put 110 00:04:03,653 --> 00:04:05,853 his entire mouth over the microphone. 111 00:04:05,888 --> 00:04:07,220 Do you know how dirty those are? 112 00:04:07,256 --> 00:04:08,956 Like he deep-throated it. 113 00:04:08,991 --> 00:04:10,251 This is great. 114 00:04:13,863 --> 00:04:15,395 West Village. Look at us. 115 00:04:15,430 --> 00:04:17,998 Standing on the corner, eating street food, 116 00:04:18,034 --> 00:04:19,799 we're gonna do a set tonight at a club 117 00:04:19,834 --> 00:04:21,600 in Manhattan. I love this. 118 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,770 What the fuck's wrong with you? 119 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:26,539 No, I'm just saying, following the dream. 120 00:04:26,574 --> 00:04:29,676 We're grinding it out. I'm happy to be with you guys. 121 00:04:30,712 --> 00:04:32,845 - Oh, he's doing a bit. - It's a bit. 122 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:34,902 No, no, no. I mean it. 123 00:04:34,927 --> 00:04:37,082 You follow your heart, you should be proud of yourselves. 124 00:04:37,117 --> 00:04:38,984 I get it. You're Mormon. 125 00:04:39,599 --> 00:04:40,618 I'm not Mormon. 126 00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,353 I'm just regular, you know? 127 00:04:42,389 --> 00:04:44,856 - Regular what? - Regular Christian. 128 00:04:44,892 --> 00:04:47,759 No add-ons. Just Old and New. 129 00:04:47,795 --> 00:04:49,460 Meat and potatoes. You know, to be honest, 130 00:04:49,496 --> 00:04:51,362 I'm a little worried about all this standing. 131 00:04:51,398 --> 00:04:53,597 Four hours on concrete, that's really hard on your knees. 132 00:04:53,632 --> 00:04:55,119 I'm just saying if I had known, I 133 00:04:55,144 --> 00:04:56,615 would have worn more comfortable shoes. 134 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,502 Like a nurse's shoe or a clog. 135 00:04:58,537 --> 00:05:00,037 Are you talking about like a wooden shoe? 136 00:05:00,073 --> 00:05:01,939 Like what little Dutch girls wear? 137 00:05:01,974 --> 00:05:03,774 No, like a modern clog, like a Croc. 138 00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:05,676 You get the ones that don't have the holes in the top 139 00:05:05,712 --> 00:05:07,277 with a long pant, it looks like a shoe. 140 00:05:07,313 --> 00:05:08,679 It's like a comfortable secret. 141 00:05:08,715 --> 00:05:11,815 You're like a mental patient that's been released for the afternoon. 142 00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:13,083 I'm gonna sit down. 143 00:05:13,118 --> 00:05:14,718 He's worse than an open mic. 144 00:05:15,987 --> 00:05:17,420 Can you guys open it up? 145 00:05:17,455 --> 00:05:19,022 Like, if you just... 146 00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,713 If you just kind of circle here, I can still... 147 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:22,844 We can see you. 148 00:05:22,977 --> 00:05:24,393 You're good there, man. 149 00:05:24,429 --> 00:05:25,661 You're good. 150 00:05:26,781 --> 00:05:29,949 151 00:05:37,742 --> 00:05:39,808 [sighs] 152 00:05:41,203 --> 00:05:42,644 Great comedy show, tonight. 153 00:05:42,679 --> 00:05:44,311 Great comedy show t... 154 00:05:44,347 --> 00:05:45,780 Great live comedy tonight. 155 00:05:45,815 --> 00:05:47,014 We got a great show. 156 00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:48,015 Excuse me. 157 00:05:48,051 --> 00:05:49,316 Got a great live comedy show. 158 00:05:49,352 --> 00:05:51,378 Great... great live comedy tonight. 159 00:05:51,403 --> 00:05:54,155 All headliner show. 8:30 tonight. 160 00:05:54,190 --> 00:05:55,890 All headliner show, right up the block. 161 00:05:55,925 --> 00:05:57,291 Two for one with the flyer. 162 00:05:57,326 --> 00:05:59,761 Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, who knows? 163 00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:02,662 Great live comedy... Yes! 164 00:06:02,697 --> 00:06:04,164 - Thank... you. - [spits] 165 00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:08,668 Great live comedy tonight. 166 00:06:08,703 --> 00:06:10,370 Right up the block. 8:30 show. 167 00:06:10,405 --> 00:06:12,538 Great live comedy. Great live comedy. 168 00:06:12,574 --> 00:06:13,774 My knees hurt. 169 00:06:13,809 --> 00:06:17,010 Great live comedy. Great comedy show tonight. 170 00:06:17,045 --> 00:06:18,343 Two for one. 171 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,578 Amplified jokes. 172 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,381 We got amplified jokes happening on a stage. 173 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:24,349 All headliner show tonight, ladies. 174 00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:26,685 Hello. Great live comedy tonight. We got a great show. 175 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,888 - Great live comedy, guys. You wanna... - Oh. Yeah. 176 00:06:28,923 --> 00:06:30,422 Great live comedy. Two for ten. 177 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,224 - 8:30 tonight. All headliners. - I love comedy. 178 00:06:32,260 --> 00:06:34,393 - Great. - Oh, my God. Is Seinfeld on the show? 179 00:06:35,347 --> 00:06:37,128 Uh, not necessarily. 180 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,696 - You know, it's... it's New York. - What? 181 00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,031 He might pop in. 182 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,209 Why would you put him on the flyer then? 183 00:06:43,159 --> 00:06:45,837 You know, these are examples of the types of comedians you might see. 184 00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:48,439 I... I like to think each of them influence the essence 185 00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:50,341 of the people you will see performing. 186 00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:51,809 That's fucked up, man. 187 00:06:51,844 --> 00:06:53,610 You go to an Italian restaurant, 188 00:06:53,645 --> 00:06:54,912 there's a picture of Frank Sinatra. 189 00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:56,413 It doesn't mean he's gonna be there. 190 00:06:58,417 --> 00:06:59,726 [siren chirps] 191 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,034 Where did you get that coffee? Do they have a bathroom? 192 00:07:02,059 --> 00:07:04,221 Great live comedy. Was there a bathroom 193 00:07:04,256 --> 00:07:05,422 in that pizzeria? 194 00:07:05,457 --> 00:07:07,891 Hello. Great live comedy. 195 00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,597 Hi. Great live comedy? 196 00:07:17,643 --> 00:07:19,268 Please help me with this man. 197 00:07:20,936 --> 00:07:22,487 Do you see him? 198 00:07:23,541 --> 00:07:26,208 Do you know if there's a bathroom around here? 199 00:07:26,243 --> 00:07:28,009 Do you know if there's a bathroom in the area? 200 00:07:28,045 --> 00:07:29,688 Where do you pee? 201 00:07:41,658 --> 00:07:42,968 Hey, can I help you? 202 00:07:42,993 --> 00:07:44,992 - I'm just going to the bathroom. - Customers only. 203 00:07:45,027 --> 00:07:46,793 Yeah, I... 204 00:07:46,829 --> 00:07:49,563 Just number one. Just a pee. Just a pow. 205 00:07:49,598 --> 00:07:50,697 Customers only, dude. 206 00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,032 - Really? - Yeah. 207 00:07:52,068 --> 00:07:54,835 You wanna use the bathroom, you're gonna have to order something. 208 00:07:54,871 --> 00:07:55,870 Uh, um... 209 00:07:55,905 --> 00:07:58,147 If I had a bar and you came in, 210 00:07:58,172 --> 00:07:59,740 I would look the other way. 211 00:07:59,775 --> 00:08:00,840 Do you have a bar? 212 00:08:00,876 --> 00:08:03,343 I've always wanted to open a winery in the Adirondacks. 213 00:08:03,378 --> 00:08:04,944 So, what you're saying is pointless. 214 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,313 Uh, okay. Give me a Coke. 215 00:08:07,349 --> 00:08:08,915 - Coke. - Coke. 216 00:08:13,755 --> 00:08:15,255 It's $8. 217 00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:16,489 I'm sorry? 218 00:08:16,524 --> 00:08:18,156 - Eight. - Dollars? 219 00:08:18,192 --> 00:08:19,424 - Yeah. - For the Coke? 220 00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:20,325 Yeah. 221 00:08:20,361 --> 00:08:22,627 Coca-Cola at a bodega or a gas station, 222 00:08:22,662 --> 00:08:24,062 like two liters, 99 cents. 223 00:08:24,098 --> 00:08:26,798 89 in some neighborhoods that are rougher. 224 00:08:26,833 --> 00:08:28,700 Okay? This isn't a bodega. 225 00:08:31,372 --> 00:08:33,805 If I give you $8, I have $2 left. 226 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,248 How about a tip? 227 00:08:35,529 --> 00:08:36,941 Yeah, I'm handing out flyers for free. 228 00:08:37,674 --> 00:08:39,510 That sounds like a you-problem. 229 00:08:41,047 --> 00:08:42,413 It's a service industry 230 00:08:42,448 --> 00:08:44,415 - built on principle. - Enjoy your pee. 231 00:08:44,450 --> 00:08:46,984 I wish I had to shit. I'd put it on the floor. 232 00:08:49,030 --> 00:08:51,696 233 00:08:54,458 --> 00:08:56,092 Wanna see some comedy tonight, sir? 234 00:08:56,128 --> 00:08:57,693 Greenwich Comedy Club. Big show tonight. 235 00:08:57,729 --> 00:08:59,695 Got a great show tonight. Greenwich Comedy Club. 236 00:08:59,731 --> 00:09:00,897 Would you like to see some comedy? 237 00:09:00,933 --> 00:09:03,333 - Hi! You guys want to see some comedy? - I'll take one. 238 00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:04,867 It's a great show. Big show tonight. 239 00:09:04,903 --> 00:09:06,002 - I'll take it. - Thank you. 240 00:09:06,038 --> 00:09:07,703 Hey, you want to see some comedy, sir? 241 00:09:07,739 --> 00:09:09,238 Sorry. Hi, no. 242 00:09:09,273 --> 00:09:11,273 I... I've been working on this corner tonight. 243 00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:12,808 Oh, yeah? That's nice. 244 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,411 Hey, you want to see some comedy? You like comedy? 245 00:09:15,446 --> 00:09:17,947 Sorry, so... could I get my corner back? 246 00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:19,748 Oh, this is your corner? 247 00:09:19,783 --> 00:09:22,251 This, MacDougal and Third, is your corner? You're a MacDougal? 248 00:09:22,286 --> 00:09:25,019 I understand. It's... it's not my corner. 249 00:09:25,055 --> 00:09:27,155 But I... I was here. I established a presence. 250 00:09:27,190 --> 00:09:29,223 My club is right down there. I got a good thing going. 251 00:09:29,259 --> 00:09:30,891 Comedy. Greenwich Comedy Club. Great show. 252 00:09:30,927 --> 00:09:32,360 You see? They're walking towards my club. 253 00:09:32,395 --> 00:09:33,995 What was I gone, three minutes? 254 00:09:34,030 --> 00:09:35,942 Three minutes, so if you have a parking spot 255 00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:37,765 and you drive off for three minutes, 256 00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,101 is that supposed to be your parking spot 257 00:09:40,136 --> 00:09:41,535 for the rest of your life? 258 00:09:41,571 --> 00:09:43,217 Is that how you think cities work? 259 00:09:43,623 --> 00:09:46,206 I understand the comparison, but this isn't a parking... 260 00:09:46,241 --> 00:09:47,174 Just walk away. 261 00:09:47,209 --> 00:09:48,375 No, I'm just... Could we... 262 00:09:48,410 --> 00:09:49,576 Walk away. 263 00:09:50,912 --> 00:09:52,021 Geez. 264 00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,348 - Walk away. - Okay. 265 00:09:57,795 --> 00:09:58,869 Great live comedy. 266 00:09:58,894 --> 00:10:00,378 Would you like to see some comedy, miss? 267 00:10:00,403 --> 00:10:02,321 It's a really nice show. I think you'll like it. 268 00:10:02,357 --> 00:10:04,223 Hey, we got Jim Gaffigan tonight. Jim... 269 00:10:04,258 --> 00:10:05,557 Come on, man. 270 00:10:05,593 --> 00:10:07,059 Live comedy tonight! 271 00:10:07,095 --> 00:10:08,227 Boston Comedy Club! 272 00:10:08,262 --> 00:10:10,896 Hey, we got Dave Chappelle tonight, man. Dave Chappelle! 273 00:10:10,931 --> 00:10:12,731 I know you like Dave! Half-Baked? Half-Baked? 274 00:10:12,766 --> 00:10:14,300 Yes, you love it. Hey, cool. Hey! 275 00:10:14,335 --> 00:10:16,334 Aah. Live comedy tonight! 276 00:10:16,370 --> 00:10:18,203 - Boston Comedy... - What's up, man? 277 00:10:18,238 --> 00:10:20,438 - What? - I'm having a problem. 278 00:10:20,474 --> 00:10:22,007 Somebody from the Greenwich Comedy Club 279 00:10:22,042 --> 00:10:24,409 came over and they're trying to shake me from my corner. 280 00:10:24,444 --> 00:10:26,677 - Someone shook you from your corner? - Yes. 281 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,546 Why the fuck are you talking like you in The Wire? 282 00:10:28,581 --> 00:10:29,680 I haven't seen The Wire. 283 00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,349 - What? - There's no good way 284 00:10:31,385 --> 00:10:32,917 to tell people you haven't seen The Wire. 285 00:10:32,952 --> 00:10:34,651 Look, this guy is on my corner. 286 00:10:34,686 --> 00:10:36,887 I'm just asking you how... How do I handle that? 287 00:10:36,922 --> 00:10:38,155 Listen, man. I don't know what to tell you. 288 00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:40,991 All right? 'Cause if you don't get five, you don't get on. 289 00:10:41,027 --> 00:10:41,992 What would you do? 290 00:10:42,028 --> 00:10:43,927 I would tell the guy to get the fuck off my corner. 291 00:10:43,962 --> 00:10:46,063 - You think that would work? - It's not working now! 292 00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,332 - Okay. - Okay! 293 00:10:48,367 --> 00:10:50,066 I will leave because I'm a reason... 294 00:10:50,101 --> 00:10:51,901 - I'm sorry. - Be reasonable and leave! 295 00:10:51,936 --> 00:10:53,202 - I'm being... - Go! 296 00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:54,837 Thank you. 297 00:10:54,872 --> 00:10:57,306 298 00:11:01,012 --> 00:11:02,645 Great live comedy. 299 00:11:05,216 --> 00:11:06,649 Comedy? 300 00:11:07,278 --> 00:11:08,433 No? 301 00:11:10,287 --> 00:11:11,786 Great live comedy. 302 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,822 Hey, ladies, great live comedy tonight, 303 00:11:14,858 --> 00:11:17,625 - just a couple blocks away. - [giggling, muttering] 304 00:11:17,661 --> 00:11:19,761 - Congratulations. - [men speaking foreign language] 305 00:11:21,165 --> 00:11:23,665 Hey, uh, great live comedy tonight. 306 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:25,933 It's just three blocks this way, to the right, 307 00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:27,334 one block up on your left. 308 00:11:27,370 --> 00:11:29,236 Uh, we are looking for the Blue Note. 309 00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,072 We got... we got a great live comedy show though. 310 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,973 You guys would love it. Stand-up comedy. 311 00:11:33,008 --> 00:11:34,908 No, no, no... No, no comedy. Uh... Jaejue. 312 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,777 Uh... [imitates jazz cymbal] 313 00:11:36,812 --> 00:11:38,712 Yeah, jazz. 314 00:11:39,915 --> 00:11:44,016 [imitates trumpet] 315 00:11:44,052 --> 00:11:45,718 There you go. 316 00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:47,287 This guy's weird. I like that. 317 00:11:47,322 --> 00:11:49,522 Uh, yeah, the Blue Note's on Third. 318 00:11:49,547 --> 00:11:51,591 Uh, you're just gonna go up there, bang a right. 319 00:11:51,626 --> 00:11:54,127 You'll... you'll run into it, actually. 320 00:11:54,162 --> 00:11:55,195 - Thank you so much. - You're welcome. Enjoy. 321 00:11:55,230 --> 00:11:57,130 - Yeah, yeah. Yeah. - [all chatting] 322 00:11:57,165 --> 00:11:59,198 [imitates trumpet] Yeah. 323 00:12:00,401 --> 00:12:03,802 Yeah, all right, yeah. [imitates bass] 324 00:12:03,837 --> 00:12:05,437 Great live comedy? 325 00:12:05,473 --> 00:12:07,547 I also do jazz sounds. 326 00:12:08,008 --> 00:12:11,076 327 00:12:16,718 --> 00:12:18,716 We got a great live comedy show, sir. 328 00:12:18,751 --> 00:12:20,551 - Flick. - No, thank you. 329 00:12:24,657 --> 00:12:26,524 Hey, guys. Great live comedy? 330 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:28,459 We got a great live comedy show. Two for one. 331 00:12:28,495 --> 00:12:30,027 You guys like Jerry Seinfeld? 332 00:12:31,397 --> 00:12:33,597 Man: Cool. I'll see y'all next time. 333 00:12:33,632 --> 00:12:35,064 Man: Oh. All right, man. 334 00:12:36,034 --> 00:12:38,468 I'm so sorry. I... I didn't... 335 00:12:38,504 --> 00:12:39,936 I didn't know it was business. 336 00:12:39,971 --> 00:12:41,545 And I'm not a narc. 337 00:12:42,274 --> 00:12:45,208 I'm sure that's what narcs say, "I'm not a narc." 338 00:12:45,244 --> 00:12:46,976 They're not gonna say, "I'm a narc." 339 00:12:47,012 --> 00:12:48,845 That would be a really bad strategy for a narc. 340 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:49,778 I'm really sorry. 341 00:12:49,813 --> 00:12:52,796 Do you have any interest... in a comedy show? 342 00:12:53,417 --> 00:12:54,610 [scoffs] 343 00:12:55,955 --> 00:12:58,086 How much they pay you to pass those flyers out? 344 00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,422 Oh, yeah, no. 345 00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:03,429 I... I don't get paid. I hand these out. 346 00:13:03,454 --> 00:13:05,461 And if five people pay to come in, 347 00:13:05,496 --> 00:13:06,994 then I get to perform. 348 00:13:07,030 --> 00:13:09,164 Well, how much do they pay you to perform? 349 00:13:10,244 --> 00:13:11,866 They don't... they don't pay me to perform. 350 00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:14,435 It's... The whole thing is kind of... 351 00:13:14,471 --> 00:13:15,936 gratis, you know? 352 00:13:15,972 --> 00:13:17,046 Fuck. 353 00:13:17,911 --> 00:13:18,926 Yeah. 354 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,443 Uh, it's all right. 355 00:13:23,022 --> 00:13:25,946 I know this is weird, but could I ask you some advice? 356 00:13:25,981 --> 00:13:26,988 Yeah. 357 00:13:27,283 --> 00:13:30,684 If somebody, like... This is your turf, right? 358 00:13:30,719 --> 00:13:32,852 And if somebody stole your turf, 359 00:13:32,888 --> 00:13:34,854 how would you... How would you get it back? 360 00:13:34,890 --> 00:13:36,490 I mean, I don't really know. 361 00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:39,493 To be honest with you, I don't really have like, a turf. 362 00:13:39,785 --> 00:13:41,528 You know, I just kind of walk around 363 00:13:41,553 --> 00:13:44,897 with a look on my face that says, "I have weed." 364 00:13:44,932 --> 00:13:46,165 - Weed face. - Yeah. 365 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:48,501 I mean, someone's up in your shit? 366 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:50,035 Yeah. You know, I... 367 00:13:50,071 --> 00:13:51,937 I don't know what to do. I mean, what would you do 368 00:13:51,972 --> 00:13:53,939 if... if you went to the bathroom and came back 369 00:13:53,974 --> 00:13:55,641 and there was another guy here? 370 00:13:55,677 --> 00:13:57,009 I'd just handle my business. 371 00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,178 Okay, but how specifically would you handle your business? 372 00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:01,279 I'd get mine. 373 00:14:01,315 --> 00:14:03,548 Set it off. Be a man. Man up. 374 00:14:03,584 --> 00:14:05,025 You know, represent, man. 375 00:14:05,050 --> 00:14:07,619 Like represent an attitude? 376 00:14:07,654 --> 00:14:09,536 You gotta flip the switch, man. 377 00:14:10,113 --> 00:14:11,189 You gotta light it up. 378 00:14:11,404 --> 00:14:12,790 Sorry, a lot of these sound 379 00:14:12,826 --> 00:14:15,245 like lyrics from the album Willennium. 380 00:14:16,368 --> 00:14:19,459 I need like, real, like, life application... 381 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:20,397 like steps. 382 00:14:20,433 --> 00:14:23,767 Look, man, just be loud and opposin'. 383 00:14:23,802 --> 00:14:25,135 I'm mean, you're a giant, man. 384 00:14:25,170 --> 00:14:26,370 You're a tall dude. 385 00:14:26,405 --> 00:14:28,205 I have never been in a fight in my life. 386 00:14:28,241 --> 00:14:29,673 This is very soft. 387 00:14:29,709 --> 00:14:32,775 I'm like a Tempur-Pedic mattress going at it. 388 00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:35,811 Trust me, nobody really wants to fight. 389 00:14:36,057 --> 00:14:37,347 I mean, people talk tough shit, 390 00:14:37,382 --> 00:14:39,081 but, you know, everyone's a coward. 391 00:14:39,910 --> 00:14:41,070 Yeah. 392 00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:43,453 - Do you want to come... - I'm... I'm good. 393 00:14:43,488 --> 00:14:44,687 I think I'm good. 394 00:14:44,723 --> 00:14:46,889 Do you know anybody that might want to come to a comedy show? 395 00:14:47,174 --> 00:14:49,658 I mean, I guess I could ask the dudes in my dorm. 396 00:14:50,151 --> 00:14:52,093 - You go to NYU? - Yeah. I'm a sophomore. 397 00:14:52,129 --> 00:14:53,795 I study semiotics. 398 00:14:54,898 --> 00:14:56,097 - Yeah. All right. - Yeah. 399 00:14:56,133 --> 00:14:59,368 Thank you. Good luck with your weed. 400 00:14:59,403 --> 00:15:00,769 And your studies. 401 00:15:00,804 --> 00:15:03,338 Thanks, man. I... I appreciate that. 402 00:15:03,374 --> 00:15:06,140 Greenwich Comedy Club. Check it out. 403 00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:08,476 Wanna see a show tonight? Greenwich Village Comedy Club. 404 00:15:08,511 --> 00:15:09,543 - No. - Great show. 405 00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:11,379 Hey, how you doin'? We got a great live comedy show. 406 00:15:11,414 --> 00:15:13,514 - The best comedy club in town. - What the fuck are you doing? 407 00:15:13,549 --> 00:15:15,616 Handling my business. We got a great live comedy show. 408 00:15:15,652 --> 00:15:17,184 - Boston Comedy Club... - Hey, check it out... 409 00:15:17,219 --> 00:15:18,586 [overlapping chatter] 410 00:15:18,621 --> 00:15:21,221 - Louis CK is at the Boston Comedy Club. - Check it out. 411 00:15:21,257 --> 00:15:22,489 - You like comedy? - Ray Romano... 412 00:15:22,524 --> 00:15:24,824 - You like Eddie Murphy, right? - ...at the Boston Comedy Club. 413 00:15:24,859 --> 00:15:28,161 - We got, uh, Kevin Hart! - We got Jerry Seinfeld. 414 00:15:28,196 --> 00:15:30,897 Two-for-one if you want to see Chris Rock at the Boston Comedy Club. 415 00:15:30,932 --> 00:15:33,032 - Jerry Seinfeld! Jerry Seinfeld! - Jerry Seinfeld! 416 00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,867 - Jerry Seinfeld! - Jerry Seinfeld! 417 00:15:34,903 --> 00:15:36,403 - We got Jerry Seinfeld! - Jerry Seinfeld! 418 00:15:36,438 --> 00:15:37,537 All right, listen to me, asshole. 419 00:15:37,572 --> 00:15:39,272 Just walk off the corner, okay? 420 00:15:39,307 --> 00:15:41,573 I was thinking about it. I'm not gonna walk off the block. 421 00:15:41,609 --> 00:15:43,475 'Cause what are you gonna do? 422 00:15:43,511 --> 00:15:46,545 What's that a laser pointer? Are you gonna give me a TED Talk? 423 00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:48,113 [clacks] 424 00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,616 That's an ASP, bitch. 425 00:15:50,651 --> 00:15:52,083 Active Self Protection. 426 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,619 What, your mom get that for you? 427 00:15:53,654 --> 00:15:55,053 - Yeah. - You crazy! 428 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,421 - Yeah, I am crazy! - Geez! 429 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,455 Cut it out! Aah! 430 00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,424 - What do you think of that? - That really hurts! 431 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,225 Get away from me! 432 00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,194 Oh, you're in trouble now. 433 00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,575 What the fuck? 434 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,565 Oh, my God. 435 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,266 - You got a fuckin' problem? - No. 436 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,235 - Uh, whoa. - Geez. 437 00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:12,670 - I don't think... - I'm so sorry. 438 00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:15,305 - You broke my fucking window! - Run! 439 00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:17,407 This wasn't about you. I'm so sorry. 440 00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:18,608 He stole my corner. 441 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,644 I gotta get five people or I don't get to go on stage. 442 00:16:20,679 --> 00:16:23,046 - I don't give a fuck! - I think we can talk. 443 00:16:23,081 --> 00:16:25,114 Talk?! Goddammit! 444 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:26,416 Come on, man! 445 00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:27,984 - Son of a bitch! - I'm sorry! 446 00:16:28,019 --> 00:16:29,786 I've got your ass, motherfucker! 447 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:30,919 You fucker! 448 00:16:32,523 --> 00:16:34,056 [tires screeching] 449 00:16:34,091 --> 00:16:35,190 [people gasping] 450 00:16:35,226 --> 00:16:37,560 [screams] My leg! 451 00:16:37,595 --> 00:16:39,261 - My fuckin' leg! - Oh... 452 00:16:39,296 --> 00:16:42,264 I'm so sorry, man! You came out of nowhere! 453 00:16:42,299 --> 00:16:43,566 Man: Oh, man! My foot! 454 00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:46,569 Yeah, hello. We need an ambulanc here, on Third and Thompson! 455 00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,236 Man got hit by a car! 456 00:16:48,271 --> 00:16:49,771 Call 911! 457 00:16:49,806 --> 00:16:51,339 Yeah... I'm doing it now! 458 00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:53,107 Yeah, we need an ambulance now. 459 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,576 Yes, Third and Thompson! 460 00:16:54,611 --> 00:16:57,011 - Stop moving, bro. - Yo, ambulance is coming. 461 00:16:57,046 --> 00:16:58,780 Driver: You are drunk. You obviously are drunk. 462 00:16:58,815 --> 00:17:00,515 We got a great live comedy show. 463 00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:03,150 Two for one. Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock... 464 00:17:03,186 --> 00:17:05,886 Man: Piece of shit, dude! You can't fucking drive! 465 00:17:05,921 --> 00:17:07,220 Driver: You're drunk! 466 00:17:07,256 --> 00:17:10,924 Live comedy show. Jerry Seinfeld. 467 00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:14,294 468 00:17:20,836 --> 00:17:22,123 What's going on, are we done? 469 00:17:22,148 --> 00:17:24,303 No, Hannibal's going up at the Boston. 470 00:17:24,338 --> 00:17:26,439 - Seriously. Oh, my God. - Yeah. 471 00:17:26,474 --> 00:17:28,040 [applause] 472 00:17:28,075 --> 00:17:30,476 Hannibal Buress: Act like I don't know when I get there. 473 00:17:30,512 --> 00:17:31,911 Hey, man, this place is beautiful. 474 00:17:31,946 --> 00:17:33,078 Congratulations, how much did it cost you? 475 00:17:33,114 --> 00:17:35,314 Come on, man, I don't want to talk about money right now. 476 00:17:35,349 --> 00:17:37,417 All right, cool, I'll be back in ten seconds. 477 00:17:37,452 --> 00:17:39,117 [laughter] 478 00:17:39,152 --> 00:17:41,286 - Nobody tells me. - Shut up. Come on. 479 00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,722 I've been dabbling in Cialis. 480 00:17:43,757 --> 00:17:47,526 [laughter] 481 00:17:47,561 --> 00:17:49,333 If you don't know, Cialis is a male 482 00:17:49,358 --> 00:17:51,663 enhancement drug, and I don't feel ashamed. 483 00:17:51,698 --> 00:17:54,132 Once of my friends gave me one. 484 00:17:54,167 --> 00:17:57,301 And I tried it out, I was like, "I like this." 485 00:17:57,336 --> 00:17:59,369 I like what this is doing for me. 486 00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:02,112 It's great. It's amazing. 487 00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:06,009 And I don't tell the girls I'm on Cialis. 488 00:18:06,045 --> 00:18:09,179 I just dick 'em down and act like that's how I always do it. 489 00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,348 [laughing] 490 00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:13,382 Just straight... Bow! Bow! 491 00:18:13,418 --> 00:18:15,752 "Wow! You're a machine!" 492 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,989 I only know about Viagra not from friends, 493 00:18:20,024 --> 00:18:21,491 but just through jokes. 494 00:18:21,526 --> 00:18:23,827 - Can't fucking believe this. - I know, this is incredible. 495 00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:26,729 No, dipshit, I can't believe you're not on your fucking corner right now. 496 00:18:26,765 --> 00:18:29,098 Why are you in here as opposed to being out there 497 00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,699 telling people to come in here? 498 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,033 Hannibal Buress is on stage... 499 00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,717 I know Hannibal Buress is on the fucking stage. 500 00:18:33,742 --> 00:18:35,161 And if you told the fucking people on 501 00:18:35,186 --> 00:18:36,772 the sidewalk that Hannibal was on stage, 502 00:18:36,807 --> 00:18:38,273 maybe they would come in here. 503 00:18:38,308 --> 00:18:40,609 Those guys get to watch! Why do they get to watch? 504 00:18:40,644 --> 00:18:43,545 They all brought in five people. You brought in two people. 505 00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:45,814 I could drop a sandwich board in the middle of the sidewalk 506 00:18:45,850 --> 00:18:47,548 and get more than two people in this place. 507 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,584 And I... Hey, hey, hey! Hey! Hey! 508 00:18:49,619 --> 00:18:51,251 Anaya brought in 13 people. 509 00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:53,153 Well, that's more than enough. Can I have some of hers? 510 00:18:53,189 --> 00:18:55,122 - Come on, come on, let's go. Come on. - I'm just saying... 511 00:18:55,157 --> 00:18:56,457 Get the fuck out there. Let's go. 512 00:18:56,493 --> 00:18:58,158 Cialis make you fuck her good, 513 00:18:58,194 --> 00:19:00,227 but not enough for her to fall in love. 514 00:19:00,262 --> 00:19:03,297 [laughing] 515 00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,100 You like Hannibal Buress? I love him. 516 00:19:06,802 --> 00:19:10,036 Hannibal Buress, one of my personal favorite comedians, 517 00:19:10,071 --> 00:19:13,348 is on stage at the terrible Boston Comedy Club right now. 518 00:19:13,709 --> 00:19:15,542 - You guys want to see Hannibal Buress? - Oh, my God, Hannibal? 519 00:19:15,577 --> 00:19:18,478 Yeah, right. These guys are always full of shit. 520 00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:22,347 Nope. He's really there. 521 00:19:22,778 --> 00:19:26,051 Two-for-one, Hannibal Buress at the Boston... 522 00:19:26,086 --> 00:19:27,987 - Hey. - Oh. 523 00:19:29,423 --> 00:19:30,956 - Marina. - Yeah. 524 00:19:30,992 --> 00:19:32,900 - How's it going? - Pretty good. 525 00:19:33,814 --> 00:19:35,702 You were really great on Conan, by the way. 526 00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:38,195 Aw, you know what, I really appreciate that. 527 00:19:38,231 --> 00:19:39,998 - Yeah. - Are you all right? 'Cause, you know, 528 00:19:40,033 --> 00:19:41,791 I saw Jason back there. He was kind 529 00:19:41,816 --> 00:19:43,801 of rough on you. He was being a dick. 530 00:19:44,556 --> 00:19:46,938 You know, it's... It's fine. 531 00:19:46,973 --> 00:19:49,741 I'm kind of feeling degraded 532 00:19:49,776 --> 00:19:51,676 and it's kind of crushing my soul. 533 00:19:51,711 --> 00:19:54,345 I feel a little bit like a prostitute. 534 00:19:54,380 --> 00:19:56,279 - Kind of sucks. - Well, you know, 535 00:19:56,314 --> 00:19:57,447 prostitutes get paid. 536 00:19:57,482 --> 00:19:59,416 You're right. So it's worse. 537 00:19:59,451 --> 00:20:01,518 [laughing] I didn't think... Okay. 538 00:20:01,554 --> 00:20:03,420 I'm like a free prostitute. I'm just a... 539 00:20:03,455 --> 00:20:06,423 I'm just a loose woman at the office party. 540 00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:07,925 It's all right, man. Hang in there, 541 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,426 'cause, you know, we've all been here. 542 00:20:09,461 --> 00:20:11,361 I've been here, I used to do this. 543 00:20:11,396 --> 00:20:12,895 - Seriously? - Seriously. 544 00:20:12,931 --> 00:20:14,830 I used to bark at the Broadway Comedy Club. 545 00:20:14,866 --> 00:20:18,100 It there's anything worse than the Boston, it's the Broadway. 546 00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:19,936 Well, that... That makes me feel better. 547 00:20:19,971 --> 00:20:22,404 But, you know, this is the game. This is what it is. 548 00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,373 Like, you know, if it sucks, 549 00:20:24,408 --> 00:20:26,308 like, that's when you know you're doing it right. 550 00:20:26,343 --> 00:20:29,401 In five years, they're gonna be begging for it. 551 00:20:29,713 --> 00:20:31,245 Okay? So you're good. 552 00:20:31,281 --> 00:20:32,681 - All right. - Yeah. 553 00:20:32,716 --> 00:20:34,315 - Thanks so much. - Yeah, right. 554 00:20:35,351 --> 00:20:38,119 Hey, Hannibal Buress is on stage right now, 555 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,487 that's a great show. 556 00:20:39,522 --> 00:20:42,490 I got two-for-one for Hannibal Buress. 557 00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:46,347 So, did I get my five? 558 00:20:46,896 --> 00:20:48,062 You barely squeaked by. 559 00:20:48,097 --> 00:20:50,230 Couldn't get more than three people with Hannibal Buress? 560 00:20:50,265 --> 00:20:52,432 Okay, that's the problem with lying, Jason. 561 00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:54,468 Nobody believed me when I said he was here. 562 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,704 It's like the boy who cried Seinfeld out there. 563 00:20:57,661 --> 00:20:58,842 Where'd everybody go? 564 00:20:59,192 --> 00:21:00,874 - They left with Hannibal. - This is what happens 565 00:21:00,910 --> 00:21:02,775 when we run a deceitful operation. 566 00:21:02,811 --> 00:21:04,577 We're out there lying, they come in... 567 00:21:04,613 --> 00:21:06,479 [sniffs]... they smell the nonsense. 568 00:21:06,514 --> 00:21:08,114 They leave once the hot stuff's gone, 569 00:21:08,149 --> 00:21:10,249 and now there's nothing left for the little guy. 570 00:21:10,284 --> 00:21:12,752 This is a flyer, not a liar, okay? 571 00:21:12,787 --> 00:21:14,120 Save it for the stage, Pete. 572 00:21:14,155 --> 00:21:15,354 It's not good enough for the stage. 573 00:21:15,389 --> 00:21:17,790 It's good enough for you. Do you want to go on stage, Pete? 574 00:21:17,826 --> 00:21:19,058 Yes. I'm sorry. 575 00:21:19,094 --> 00:21:20,626 Go inside, Pete. 576 00:21:20,661 --> 00:21:22,537 Hey, have you heard anybody doing 577 00:21:22,562 --> 00:21:24,379 premise for their cum tastes like vanilla? 578 00:21:24,898 --> 00:21:26,498 - No. - Okay. Good. 579 00:21:26,533 --> 00:21:28,800 So the chick says, "I think I love you, 580 00:21:28,836 --> 00:21:31,057 but your cum tastes like vanilla." 581 00:21:31,338 --> 00:21:32,938 [one person laughs] 582 00:21:35,743 --> 00:21:37,407 I'm just watching a basketball game, 583 00:21:37,443 --> 00:21:40,444 12,000 people in the stands, most of them are white, 584 00:21:40,479 --> 00:21:42,246 I mean, somebody's gotta be racist. 585 00:21:42,281 --> 00:21:45,750 It's gotta tear you up inside being a racist basketball fan. 586 00:21:45,785 --> 00:21:48,085 You're up there thinking, "I hate black people, 587 00:21:48,121 --> 00:21:50,849 except for these five guys. Go defense!" 588 00:21:51,279 --> 00:21:53,624 [scattered chuckles] 589 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,826 Good night, everybody. 590 00:21:56,862 --> 00:21:58,528 Yeah! Clap it up! 591 00:21:58,563 --> 00:22:00,630 Jason Webber, everybody. 592 00:22:00,666 --> 00:22:02,298 Nicely done, Jason. 593 00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:05,468 Come on, there it is. Any tourists in the crowd? 594 00:22:05,503 --> 00:22:07,203 [man coughs] 595 00:22:07,238 --> 00:22:10,739 All right, what do you say we keep this moving right along. 596 00:22:10,775 --> 00:22:13,976 Uh, very funny dude is coming up right now. 597 00:22:14,011 --> 00:22:16,311 Put your hands together for Pete... 598 00:22:16,581 --> 00:22:19,048 Holmes, everybody, Pete Holmes! 599 00:22:19,083 --> 00:22:20,693 Clap it up for him. 600 00:22:21,085 --> 00:22:23,518 [scattered applause] 601 00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:27,156 You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you? 602 00:22:27,191 --> 00:22:29,090 [scattered chuckles] 603 00:22:30,089 --> 00:22:31,826 I never know what to tip those guys. 604 00:22:31,861 --> 00:22:33,728 [chuckling] 605 00:22:34,199 --> 00:22:36,306 I feel like cops in shorts should 606 00:22:36,331 --> 00:22:38,733 only be allowed to arrest children. 607 00:22:38,768 --> 00:22:40,120 [chuckles] 608 00:22:40,145 --> 00:22:41,872 Put on a long pant if you want to 609 00:22:41,897 --> 00:22:43,938 take down a man, is what I'm saying. 610 00:22:45,140 --> 00:22:48,408 - [door opens] - Um... 611 00:22:48,443 --> 00:22:53,180 [boisterous chattering] 612 00:22:53,215 --> 00:22:55,315 Pete: My jazz friends. 613 00:22:55,350 --> 00:22:57,617 [chattering continues] 614 00:22:57,652 --> 00:22:59,786 Hey! Hey, all right! 615 00:22:59,822 --> 00:23:03,022 You saw jazz, now you're seeing stand-up comedy. 616 00:23:03,057 --> 00:23:06,156 These are our two major American exports. 617 00:23:06,794 --> 00:23:10,329 Yeah. If you see a serial killer later, you'll have seen all three. 618 00:23:10,364 --> 00:23:11,496 [laughing] 619 00:23:11,532 --> 00:23:13,632 I played baseball when I was a kid, you know. 620 00:23:13,667 --> 00:23:17,036 It's awkward because I was the pudgy, awkward kid. 621 00:23:17,071 --> 00:23:19,738 Or in Little League terms, I was the catcher. 622 00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,239 [laughing] 623 00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:23,908 It's the only position where you get to sit the whole game, 624 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,409 so I was like, "Tell me more." 625 00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:27,746 It's really fun when you're the catcher, 626 00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:29,872 except you're the only kid on the 627 00:23:29,897 --> 00:23:32,217 team that has to wear a jockstrap. 628 00:23:32,252 --> 00:23:34,318 [laughing] So, ooh, you know! 629 00:23:34,354 --> 00:23:36,286 Which is awkward when you're a child 630 00:23:36,321 --> 00:23:38,756 'cause they don't really come in your size. 631 00:23:38,791 --> 00:23:41,225 You just have to get the smallest adult size, 632 00:23:41,260 --> 00:23:42,793 which is gigantic. 633 00:23:42,828 --> 00:23:45,829 It's like getting a three-car garage to protect my tricycle, 634 00:23:45,865 --> 00:23:47,297 you know what I mean? 635 00:23:47,332 --> 00:23:48,531 I remember trying it on me, 636 00:23:48,567 --> 00:23:50,901 like, "I don't think this is going to work. 637 00:23:50,936 --> 00:23:54,436 Maybe I should get the top half of a pistachio shell 638 00:23:54,472 --> 00:23:57,840 - and a rubber band." - [laughing] 639 00:23:57,876 --> 00:24:00,576 I used a vending machine earlier this week. 640 00:24:00,611 --> 00:24:03,179 Not only did it give me my snack, 641 00:24:03,446 --> 00:24:06,015 it gave me all my money back. 642 00:24:06,050 --> 00:24:08,050 - [laughing] - Yeah. 643 00:24:08,086 --> 00:24:10,385 So I was like, "I guess we're dating now." 644 00:24:10,420 --> 00:24:12,556 [laughing] 645 00:24:13,857 --> 00:24:17,336 Yeah. It's like, "You just fulfilled all my needs. 646 00:24:19,329 --> 00:24:21,729 And you're not too bad on the eyes, either." 647 00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,066 Little something for everyone. 648 00:24:25,759 --> 00:24:28,535 I had a roommate in college who was a gutter punk. 649 00:24:28,570 --> 00:24:30,207 You guys know what punks are? 650 00:24:30,572 --> 00:24:32,840 Punks, yeah, yeah, with the hair, you know? 651 00:24:32,875 --> 00:24:36,743 Yeah, they look like a fancy bird that no one loved. 652 00:24:36,779 --> 00:24:39,213 A gutter punk is a punk 653 00:24:39,248 --> 00:24:41,148 without any sort of class or dignity 654 00:24:41,184 --> 00:24:43,883 and lives in the street, but somehow has nine dogs. 655 00:24:43,919 --> 00:24:46,186 No money, but nine dogs. 656 00:24:46,221 --> 00:24:48,021 Y'all watch porn at work? 657 00:24:48,056 --> 00:24:49,889 Yeah! Yeah! 658 00:24:49,925 --> 00:24:51,524 Oh, this section? 659 00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:53,426 Okay. Uh... I like porn. 660 00:24:53,461 --> 00:24:55,695 Sometimes when I watch porn, I like to turn it up real loud 661 00:24:55,730 --> 00:24:58,097 so my neighbors think it's me fucking next door. 662 00:24:58,133 --> 00:24:59,933 [laughing] 663 00:25:01,468 --> 00:25:02,974 They get so confused. "Oh, my God! 664 00:25:02,999 --> 00:25:04,569 Is he... Oh, shit! He's amazing." 665 00:25:04,604 --> 00:25:07,971 And he plays saxophone, too?" Like, you know what I mean? 666 00:25:08,742 --> 00:25:11,243 Hey, y'all are like a Korean Def Jam audience. 667 00:25:11,278 --> 00:25:12,677 This is dope. 668 00:25:12,713 --> 00:25:13,912 Whoo! 669 00:25:13,948 --> 00:25:15,580 - [laughing] - Very funny! 670 00:25:15,615 --> 00:25:16,715 Thanks man, I appreciate it. 671 00:25:17,758 --> 00:25:18,782 Good night. 672 00:25:20,905 --> 00:25:24,040 Hey. You know, you're not un-funny. 673 00:25:24,304 --> 00:25:25,689 I made a couple of notes. 674 00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:27,944 I used to do a little coaching on the side. 675 00:25:27,969 --> 00:25:30,461 Don't take the mic out of the stand for the first three years. 676 00:25:30,496 --> 00:25:32,463 You're not ready for that. Focus on the words. 677 00:25:32,498 --> 00:25:34,232 Then you'll work on the physicality. 678 00:25:34,267 --> 00:25:36,933 You should use more old video game shirts. 679 00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:38,501 Atari, Nintendo, 680 00:25:38,536 --> 00:25:40,170 helps you connect with the kinds of people 681 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,239 that would be interested in buying something of yours. 682 00:25:42,274 --> 00:25:45,108 Also, the weight. You gotta lose ten or gain 50. 683 00:25:45,143 --> 00:25:46,866 You're somewhere in the middle. Are you 684 00:25:46,891 --> 00:25:49,047 - skinny, are you fat? We don't know. - I... 685 00:25:49,750 --> 00:25:52,014 Good job pulling in that crowd tonight. 686 00:25:52,049 --> 00:25:53,916 Uh, thanks, Jason. 687 00:25:53,951 --> 00:25:57,019 I, uh, I mean, what was that, 30, 688 00:25:57,054 --> 00:25:58,954 20 people maybe? I mean. 689 00:25:58,990 --> 00:26:01,290 Aah. You only had one flyer though. 690 00:26:01,325 --> 00:26:02,491 - Yeah, but you... - I'm kidding. 691 00:26:02,526 --> 00:26:04,693 Come back tomorrow night, I'll put you on even earlier. 692 00:26:04,728 --> 00:26:05,873 - Seriously? - Yeah. 693 00:26:06,364 --> 00:26:07,863 Yeah, no, I'll be here. 694 00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,898 - Thanks, man. - Have a good night. 695 00:26:09,933 --> 00:26:11,212 You too. 696 00:26:11,434 --> 00:26:14,035 And keep up the energy up front, in your act, when you come out. 697 00:26:14,070 --> 00:26:16,704 - Yeah. Sure. - Wink, smile. 698 00:26:16,965 --> 00:26:19,746 "Any birthdays in the crowd?" People love that stuff. 699 00:26:22,379 --> 00:26:24,312 - Whoo. - Right? 700 00:26:24,347 --> 00:26:25,613 Yeah. That was good. 701 00:26:25,648 --> 00:26:26,914 - That was dope. - It was fine. 702 00:26:26,949 --> 00:26:28,181 - That was nice. - Shut up, man. 703 00:26:28,217 --> 00:26:29,150 - What? - It was fine. 704 00:26:29,175 --> 00:26:30,759 It was just a bunch of Korean tourists. 705 00:26:30,784 --> 00:26:32,485 You know, they were laughing because we were pausing, 706 00:26:32,521 --> 00:26:35,055 and they were just happy that they weren't in their home country anymore 707 00:26:35,090 --> 00:26:36,856 because they normally watch shows at gunpoint. 708 00:26:36,892 --> 00:26:39,393 - How do you know this? - They were not from North Korea. 709 00:26:39,428 --> 00:26:40,760 That's the top one, by the way. 710 00:26:40,796 --> 00:26:42,762 - I know there's two! - You do? 711 00:26:42,798 --> 00:26:45,564 - Do you? - One is ours and one is theirs. 712 00:26:45,599 --> 00:26:47,133 - [laughing] What? - Right? 713 00:26:47,168 --> 00:26:49,435 It's... Whatever. I know I did better than Hannibal. 714 00:26:49,470 --> 00:26:51,370 [laughter] 715 00:26:51,406 --> 00:26:53,705 Yo, are you fucking kidding me? 716 00:26:53,741 --> 00:26:55,174 No. I did great. 717 00:26:55,209 --> 00:26:59,578 You literally did four minutes of filler and setup. 718 00:26:59,613 --> 00:27:02,147 Hannibal's so good, he could make your shit funny. 719 00:27:02,182 --> 00:27:03,815 - That's all I'm saying. - It's a rhythm thing. 720 00:27:03,850 --> 00:27:05,550 - What are you... - You just do it with rhythm. 721 00:27:05,585 --> 00:27:07,252 He's a genius, man. He's a genius. 722 00:27:07,287 --> 00:27:09,154 Your rhythm is yelling through a beard. 723 00:27:09,189 --> 00:27:11,122 Whatever. He just says things funny. 724 00:27:11,158 --> 00:27:13,091 Whatever, Porter. I have a 1:00 a.m. spot 725 00:27:13,126 --> 00:27:14,759 to go work on my rhythm. 726 00:27:14,794 --> 00:27:16,294 Can I come? 727 00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:19,163 Oh, please don't say that. That was very creepy. 728 00:27:19,198 --> 00:27:21,065 - Yeah. - Very creepy. That was uncomfortable. 729 00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:22,333 Yeah. You just join. You just walk. 730 00:27:22,368 --> 00:27:24,201 - I just mean... - Just exist, man. 731 00:27:24,236 --> 00:27:26,437 I'm being polite. I want to make a connection with you guys. 732 00:27:26,472 --> 00:27:28,305 - That's really gross. - Yeah, it was very, like, 733 00:27:28,341 --> 00:27:30,907 - just slimy. Like, "Can I join?" - "Can I come?" 734 00:27:30,943 --> 00:27:33,910 You sound like the boy from Secret Garden. 735 00:27:35,580 --> 00:27:37,280 What neighborhood do you guys live in? 736 00:27:37,315 --> 00:27:38,348 Okay. 737 00:27:38,383 --> 00:27:39,849 You know that that was creepier than 738 00:27:39,884 --> 00:27:42,018 - the last thing you said. - You know what that sounded like. 739 00:27:42,053 --> 00:27:43,853 Ask me where I live. 740 00:27:43,888 --> 00:27:44,934 - No! - No. 741 00:27:44,983 --> 00:27:46,434 I'm sure it's under a bridge somewhere. 742 00:27:46,459 --> 00:27:47,279 Kind of. 743 00:27:47,993 --> 00:27:51,559 East Side, West Side 744 00:27:51,595 --> 00:27:54,829 All around the town 745 00:27:54,865 --> 00:27:58,000 The tots sang "Ring-a-rosie" 746 00:27:58,035 --> 00:28:02,604 "London Bridge is falling down" 747 00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:06,174 Boys and girls together 748 00:28:06,210 --> 00:28:10,111 Me and Mamie O'Rourke 749 00:28:10,146 --> 00:28:12,646 Tripped the light fantastic 750 00:28:12,681 --> 00:28:17,284 On the sidewalks of New York 751 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,088 East Side, West Side 752 00:28:21,124 --> 00:28:24,625 All around the town 753 00:28:24,660 --> 00:28:27,593 The tots sang "Ring-a-rosie" 754 00:28:27,629 --> 00:28:30,696 "London Bridge is falling down" 755 00:28:32,401 --> 00:28:36,136 Boys and girls together 756 00:28:36,171 --> 00:28:38,871 Me and Mamie O'Rourke 757 00:28:39,908 --> 00:28:42,841 Tripped the light fantastic 758 00:28:42,876 --> 00:28:45,544 On the sidewalks 759 00:28:45,579 --> 00:28:49,281 Of New York 760 00:28:49,359 --> 00:28:51,913 Synced an corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 761 00:28:51,963 --> 00:28:56,513 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 56488

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