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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:07,360 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,240 They all know me. You like my suit? 3 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,440 Number one. 4 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,840 Assalaamu alaikum, Great Britain. Mr Khan speaking. 5 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,160 Welcome to my Boob Tube channel. 6 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,360 I know the country's gone to pot now a woman's running it, 7 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,160 but don't worry, I'm here. 8 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:39,360 Now, in today's video, I'm going to teach you about the lessons in love. 9 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,760 Are you watching? 10 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:48,120 Sweetie, darling, I'm very sorry. 11 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,360 I didn't mean to treat you like that. 12 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,360 And I promise I won't do it again. 13 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,200 Please, forgive me. 14 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,080 How about a kiss? 15 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,360 Mwah! 16 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,240 So why did the man who bought the car bring it back again? 17 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,200 Well, lucky for me, it broke down at the end of the road. 18 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,520 And you know the best thing? No refunds. 19 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,680 HE LAUGHS Got to go. Bye! 20 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,320 Come on, get cleaning. It's the cricket today. 21 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:25,760 I want this car looking brand-new. 22 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,560 And don't forget to wash into my under body. 23 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,960 That hasn't been done for a while, huh? 24 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,400 What are you doing? 25 00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,560 Well, that was all the water. Can you get us some more? 26 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,000 Not right now, Dave. 27 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,200 Mr Khan can't go in the house. Shut up, Amjad. 28 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,840 Yes, I can! I'm the man of the house and I can do whatever I want. 29 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,240 Not today, though. Mrs Khan said. 30 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,360 Listen, Dave. In our culture, the men wear the trousers, all right? 31 00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,800 WHISPERS: Bangladeshi. Sorry? 32 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,360 WHISPERS: Bangladeshi. He said Bangladeshi. 33 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,680 Water? All right, all right. Here, hold this. 34 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,960 Argh! Twaddi! 35 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,280 It must be jammed. 36 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,360 I think Mrs Khan's locked you out. 37 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,600 Well, that's not possible. It is. You just do the second lock. 38 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,440 Second lock, why would she do that? What? Window. 39 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,600 If you breathe in, you could get through that. 40 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,880 Oh, is that the time? The cricket's on. 41 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,720 Come on! Everyone in the car. 42 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,400 Mrs Kominski, I'm so glad you wanted to hold the meeting here. 43 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:52,040 I've made my own Pakistani version of Victoria sponge cake. 44 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,120 ALL: Ooh. 45 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,720 It's like a normal Victoria sponge cake, 46 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,280 with added spice, 47 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,400 fresh garlic and garam masala. 48 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:09,520 So, our first item on the agenda is fundraising for the nursery. Sorry! 49 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,880 Nadiya didn't want to go down for her nap. I'm not surprised. 50 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,760 She hasn't got her favourite blanket. Oh. 51 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,960 And she normally doesn't go down this early. Right. 52 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,680 Is this your home help? What?! 53 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:26,080 No, I'm Shazia. Sorry, who? Nadiya's mother. What about Mo? 54 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,480 He's mine too. Sorry. I hardly know any of you. 55 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,320 I'm normally at work by 8.30. 56 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,400 By the way, Mo's the one with all the hair, yeah? 57 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,080 RADIO: '..the third Test Match...' 58 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:41,200 I still don't understand. Why would Mrs Khan do the second lock? 59 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,400 Blooming hell, Dave. What's with all the questions? 60 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,640 Who are you? Ginger Luther? 61 00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:50,280 Look, Dave, it's all fine. Mrs Khan is just worried about security. 62 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,680 Since the Brexit, the Polish 63 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,480 are trying to take everything back with them before they leave. 64 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,120 I like the Polish. What? I'm going to miss them. 65 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,040 My Polish friends down the internet caff 66 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,680 have been teaching me the Polish. Right. 67 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,080 IN POLISH: 68 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,880 Blimey! Very impressive. What does it mean? 69 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,360 Hello. 70 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,680 Is that how it's written? Are these yours? Yes! Can I have one? No. 71 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,760 Is this yours? Yes! 72 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,680 Spend a lot of time in this car, do you? Maybe. 73 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,040 I'm always on the move, aren't I? Are these yours? 74 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,520 Yes! 75 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,240 What about these? Give me them! 76 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,600 Mr Khan, have you been sleeping in the car? 77 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:39,160 HE LAUGHS 78 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:41,000 Don't be ridiculous. 79 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,920 Are these your pyjamas, sir? 80 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:47,960 Of course not. That's Aston Villa's new away kit. 81 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,440 Is everything OK at home? 82 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,640 Look, Dave. It's all fine. 83 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,920 Mrs Khan just got annoyed at one or two of my habits, 84 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,160 so I decided to give her some space 85 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,720 and just sleep in the car for a couple of nights. 86 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,240 Perfectly normal. 87 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,560 ALL: Perfectly. 88 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,960 Clearing your throat? What? Your annoying habit? 89 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,920 Clearing your throat thing? 90 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,520 What clearing the throat thing? 91 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,760 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY 92 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,960 Was it the toenail clippings? 93 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,600 I cleared them up! 94 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,120 I put them in the mug! 95 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,800 I didn't know it was her tea. 96 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,360 ALL: Eugh! 97 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,480 Chup, it was just a silly argument. 98 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,240 Yeah, it's not like you forgot her wedding anniversary. Exactly! 99 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,360 Oh, twaddi! 100 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,320 You forgot your wedding anniversary, sir? That's pretty serious. 101 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,400 It explains a lot. Oh, God! 102 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,640 If you ask me, you should get in there and make amends. 103 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,000 But I'm not asking you, am I, Dave? So what are you going to do? 104 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,640 I'm going to get in there and make amends. 105 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,120 Shouldn't you be at work? 106 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,000 No, Nadiya's nursery is far more important. 107 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,720 Beti, you don't have to stay. I'm sure I can manage. It's fine. 108 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:10,320 Well, I look forward to your contribution, Sharia. 109 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,720 Shazia. 110 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,960 Yes. 111 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,160 We have decided that we need something that will appeal 112 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,880 to the dads this year. 113 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,920 Unfortunately, there are no men here to ask... 114 00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,520 Hello, sweetie! 115 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:30,080 What are you doing?! I'm so sorry, Mrs Kominski. 116 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,320 Mrs Kominski? Polish! Hang on. Amjad! 117 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,600 IN POLISH: 118 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,960 What?! 119 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,760 Keep pushing, Riaz! 120 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,000 Argh! 121 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,880 Sweetie, this is for you. 122 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,840 I have had enough! But, sweetie... Get out! 123 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,680 Hang on. How did you lot get in? 124 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,880 I've got keys to both locks. 125 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:21,480 Out. Out! Out? Out? Has the cricket match already started? 126 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,080 Oh, God. How could I forget our wedding anniversary? 127 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,920 What are we going to do now? 128 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,520 Go to the cricket at Edgbaston. 129 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,240 They sent a pair of tickets to the mosque. 130 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,680 Dave, Mrs Khan hates cricket. 131 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,720 No, you misunderstand. 132 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,360 I'm taking Riaz. Oh, I see. 133 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,440 You'd rather go to the cricket than help a friend in need? Yep. 134 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,240 Hang on, why didn't you ask me? 135 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:52,280 You just don't want me sitting next to you when Pakistan beat England. 136 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,800 Right. 137 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,000 And anyway, if England do win, which they won't, 138 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,200 it's only because they've got Moeen Ali playing for them. Huh? 139 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,440 So, Pakistan win either way. 140 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,480 Except Moeen was actually born in England. Sparkhill, to be precise. 141 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,960 I've seen him at the mosque a couple of times. Said hello to him once. 142 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,440 IMITATES: "I've seen him at the mosque a couple of times. 143 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,360 "Said hello to him once." 144 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,840 Big deal! Everyone knows Moeen Ali. 145 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,880 Do you know Moeen Ali, sir? Hm? 146 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:28,840 Of course! Me and Moeen, we're like best friends. 147 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,480 I've even showed him my googlies. 148 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,280 That is close. 149 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:39,160 Come on. Oh, that's right! Off you go. 150 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,840 Leave me to face the wrath of Mrs Khan. 151 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,240 She's impossible when she's like this. 152 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,600 Like a bull about to charge. 153 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,760 Like she's got steam coming out of her nostrils! 154 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:54,080 With her horns heading straight for my... 155 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,480 She's behind me, isn't she? 156 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,640 Yes. Assalaamu alaikum, Mrs Khan. 157 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,440 And more on Mrs Theresa May later. 158 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,920 Hello, sweetie. 159 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,800 Sweetie, I'm sorry. You know, I'll do anything for you. 160 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,760 Anything at all. 161 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,360 You name it, I'll do it. No expense spared. 162 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,160 But go easy on the biscuits, though. 163 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,040 Sweetie, please, let me help you, please, let... 164 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,200 So, ladies, any ideas? 165 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,840 Here we are! 166 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,840 Mrs Khan's got the biscuits and I've got the drinks. 167 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:33,440 I know how thirsty you women get with all the talking you do. 168 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,680 I'm so sorry about my husband, everyone. 169 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:40,240 Everyone, this is my husband, Amjad. He's a policeman. 170 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,320 I'm POLICED to meet you too! 171 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,320 Maybe Amjad's got some ideas for the fundraising 172 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,560 that will appeal to the dads? 173 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,640 Nowadays, it's all about celebrities. Oh! Me, me, me! 174 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,240 Mr Khan knows a celebrity. 175 00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,560 Moeen Ali. 176 00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,760 Moeen Ali? 177 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,320 He's a cricketer. My husband is a big fan. 178 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,160 Does Mr Khan really know Moeen Ali? 179 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,760 He showed him his googlies. 180 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,240 Googlies are balls. 181 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,840 I think it's a great idea! Is it? What is? 182 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,880 We should get Moeen Ali involved. 183 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,920 Maybe you could get a bat signed, then auction it. 184 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,240 My husband would definitely bid for a signed bat. 185 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,840 Hang on a minute! 186 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,320 Wouldn't it be even better 187 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,640 if we had a celebrity appearance from Moeen Ali? 188 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,800 What? Yeah. That would be even better. 189 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,120 And you can make that happen, can't you? 190 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,120 Can I? 191 00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,200 I mean, may I? 192 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,600 It would be my pleasure. 193 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,280 Just a bat is fine. We wouldn't want to take up too much of Moeen's time. 194 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,400 Nonsense! He's a local boy. 195 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,080 He'll just need a bit of persuasion. 196 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,400 Just a bit. 197 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,360 You said you would do anything for me. 198 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,840 I was thinking chocolates. 199 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,320 Or flowers. 200 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,760 Chocolate, mainly. 201 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,080 But I want This. No problem, sweetie. 202 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,920 But, just a thought. 203 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,960 Are you sure you wouldn't want Benny from Crossroads instead? 204 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,000 I mean, he's probably available. 205 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,600 ALL: No! 206 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,920 OK. 207 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,240 Come on! 208 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,720 Amjad, you idiot. 209 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,280 Why did you say that I know Moeen Ali? 210 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,160 You said you wanted to get into Mrs Khan's good books 211 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,800 and you said you know him really well. 212 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,080 I don't know him. 213 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,880 I might have met his dad. 214 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,040 Once. 215 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,600 Or at least, I think it was him. Brown. Big beard. 216 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,680 They all look the same! 217 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,760 Like a lot of blooming sheep. 218 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,680 IMITATES SHEEP 219 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,960 So, you don't know him? 220 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,320 Maybe we should just tell them we can't do it. 221 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,160 Brilliant! That's it! 222 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,240 Let's go and tell a room full of women 223 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,360 that they can't have what they want. 224 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,920 They'll understand, won't they? 225 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,800 No. There must be some way of getting Moeen Ali. 226 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,520 AMJAD GASPS 227 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,880 Yes? I just had a thought. 228 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,120 Go on. 229 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,440 I have to go to work. 230 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,320 Perfect. 231 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,800 You'll just desert me too. 232 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,880 I might just go and sit in my car and comfort myself 233 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,200 with a packet of custard creams. 234 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,400 Riaz ate all your biscuits. 235 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,160 The greedy, thieving... 236 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,440 I really have to get to work now. 237 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,560 Fine. 238 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,320 I'm sorry, sir. It's just... 239 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,600 they need extra police at the Edgbaston. 240 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,720 Pakistan are playing England today. 241 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,480 Say that again. 242 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,400 I'm sorry, sir. It's just that they need extra police... 243 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,800 Amjad, Amjad, Amjad, Amjad! 244 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,920 You're my favourite son-in-law. 245 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,840 I'm your only son-in-law. 246 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,160 You're my favourite only son-in-law. 247 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,360 Am I? Wow! 248 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,480 Come on! 249 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,000 COMMENTATOR: A very good morning and welcome to Edgbaston. 250 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,640 Conditions are looking ideal here in Birmingham for the start of 251 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,960 the Third Test between England and Pakistan. 252 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,320 We're looking forward to a great day's cricket, aren't we, Michael? 253 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,680 Yes, certainly are. England versus Pakistan. 254 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,680 Two great teams, full house, can't wait. 255 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,200 I'm really not sure about this, sir. Chillax, Amjad! 256 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,320 I'll come in with you. It's all about confidence. Be confident! 257 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,880 Exude confidence! But, sir... 258 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:06,480 Oi! Where do you think you're going? I'm with him. Is he? 259 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,040 Where are you taking him? 260 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,080 To the cricket. 261 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,600 I can see that. 262 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,240 Confidence, confidence. 263 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,400 Sorry, I mean... 264 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:21,440 I'm confident I'm taking Mr Khan to the cricket. 265 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,440 Mr Khan? That's right. 266 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:30,800 I'm undercover. Plainclothes. Look at them. They're really plain. 267 00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,600 All right, Amjad! 268 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,120 Well, there is no record of any plainclothes in the grounds today. 269 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:41,120 Oh, look! It's WG Grace! What? 270 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,520 Where's he gone? 271 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,600 I don't think WG Grace was really there. 272 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,160 Mr Khan was just trying to distract you. 273 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,880 I was thinking, if we're having a celebrity appearance, 274 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,640 we'll need to make an evening of it. 275 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,360 Yeah, I could do some food. 276 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,240 No, no, no, I can do the food. 277 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,240 I mean, you won't have time, will you, darling? 278 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,720 What with your work and the kids. I can handle it. 279 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,280 Shall I wash this up? 280 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,480 BOTH: I'll take that. 281 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:13,760 SHE YELPS 282 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,200 Sorry. I'll help you. 283 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,920 BOTH: I'll do that! 284 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,840 I'll leave you to it. 285 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:23,040 Mum! Why are you being like this? Like what, beti? 286 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,800 Constantly trying to put one over on me. Fighting me for a tray. 287 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,560 Nicking my broom. 288 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,800 I'm just trying to be helpful, beti. 289 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,520 And I'm just trying to make friends with these mums. 290 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,680 I was thinking of cutting down my hours so I could be around more, 291 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,280 but it looks like you don't need me. 292 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,480 And I just feel so guilty all the time. 293 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,600 I feel guilty when I'm at work, I feel guilty when I'm at home, 294 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,800 I feel guilty that I'm a bad mother. 295 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,560 Now you're making me feel guilty! 296 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,760 And now I feel even more guilty! 297 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,720 So do I! 298 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,120 I just worry that if you cut down your hours, you won't need me, 299 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,040 the other mums won't need me, 300 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,200 and then I'll just be a lonely old grandmother. 301 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,560 SHE CRIES Oh, Mum. 302 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,480 I didn't realise. I'm sorry. 303 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,160 THEY BOTH CRY 304 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,680 Look at us two. 305 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,280 Mum, it doesn't matter if I work or stop work. 306 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,280 I will always need you. 307 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,440 Oh, thank you, Shazia. 308 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,080 And you should help with the fundraiser. 309 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,600 I just want what's best for you and Mo and Nadiya. 310 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,080 I know. 311 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:35,160 What about Dad? I'm not worried about him. 312 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,160 No, I mean, is he going to get Moeen Ali? 313 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,200 Ah, you just leave him to me. 314 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,560 OK, Mum. 315 00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:46,680 And, Mum, thank you for everything. You're just so good with the kids. 316 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,360 BABY CRIES Shut up, Nadiya! 317 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,000 THEY SHOUT: Moeen! Moeen! 318 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,320 MOBILE RINGS 319 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,680 Hello, sweetie. Now, listen. 320 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,840 But, sweetie... Just listen. 321 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,000 You are going to get Moeen Ali to come to the nursery, OK? 322 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,120 Yes, if that's what my sweetie wants, 323 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,560 that's what my sweetie gets. 324 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,160 So whatever you're doing, stop it and go and find Moeen Ali. 325 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,720 Chillax, sweetie! 326 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,480 Have you spoken to him? No. 327 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:22,800 Why not? 328 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,680 Well, I was going to, but then you called. 329 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,480 Well, get off the phone, then! I'm trying to! 330 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,160 Stupid woman! 331 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,320 Moeen! Moeen! 332 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,320 Oh, God! 333 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,960 I'm looking for a Mr Khan. 334 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,440 Mr Khan? 335 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:52,360 Yes, that's me. Citizen Khan at your service. 336 00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,320 You need to leave, sir. Come on. 337 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,160 But, hang on, I'm the Mayor of London. 338 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,560 Yeah, yeah, and I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury. 339 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,720 Hold on! Let's take a selfie! I'm community leader too. 340 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:05,760 Khan - K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge. Ha-ha! 341 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,080 Oh, God! Oh! 342 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,520 A-ha! Moeen will be in there. 343 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,240 Oh, twaddi! 344 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,840 Are you one of the players? 345 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,320 What? One of the players? 346 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,480 Yes, a Pakistani one. 347 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,280 What's your name? Khan. 348 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:48,560 Imran Khan. 349 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,000 You don't look like Imran Khan. 350 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,400 Yeah, I've really let myself go. 351 00:18:56,520 --> 00:19:00,360 Losing Jemima hit me really hard. 352 00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,000 Can I have a selfie? OK. 353 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,320 Two pounds. 354 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,600 Times are really hard. 355 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,200 Come on, come on! Thank you. Now clear off! 356 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,680 Come on, haven't you got a paper round to do? 357 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,960 FOOTSTEPS APPROACH 358 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,120 Amjad! 359 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,480 HE SCREAMS 360 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,000 You gave me a fright! 361 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,760 Everyone's looking for you, sir. Maybe you should turn yourself in. 362 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:46,000 Amjad, this is important! I need to make things up with Mrs Khan. 363 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,200 Come on. Help me get my pads off. 364 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,240 You'd better be quick, sir. 365 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,640 The call's gone out for a Pakistani man 366 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,600 with a beard and a funny accent... 367 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,800 This is Birmingham. I'll be fine. 368 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,560 ..wearing a tatty old suit from the 1970s. 369 00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,080 What? Oh, twaddi. Oh, God. 370 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,320 Right, I'll tell you what. Hold that there. Hold on. 371 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,800 I'll just put this on. Simple. No problem. They'll never know. 372 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,040 Here, hold this. 373 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,080 Oh, God. Oh! 374 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,600 Tatty old suit from the '70s? How dare they! 375 00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,960 I bought that from an Italian china designer. 376 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,240 Oh. I'm not wearing any underpants. 377 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,760 Sleeping in the car, you see. Turn around. 378 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,040 What are you doing? 379 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,520 RADIO: 'Attention, all officers. 380 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,880 'The man with the old tatty suit was just seen impersonating 381 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,880 'a cricketer in the dressing room.' 382 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,120 Oh, twaddi. What am I going to do? 383 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,320 Oh! 384 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,240 I think they're coming! Hang on! 385 00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,120 I've got to get Moeen Ali. 386 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:03,920 Take my shirt off... 387 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,520 One second. 388 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,280 HE GRUNTS 389 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,920 TROUSERS UNZIP 390 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,680 Nearly there, nearly there! 391 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,880 Hold on. 392 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:15,560 Hold on. 393 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,600 Now pass me the tracksuit. 394 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,200 I'm going to get into so much trouble! 395 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,760 OK, we know you're in there. 396 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:35,520 Come out nice and slowly with your hands where I can see them. 397 00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,000 Not you! 398 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,040 Come on out! 399 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,240 Where is he? 400 00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,720 TOILET FLUSHES 401 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,960 Oh, twaddi! 402 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,000 Right, all units, keep looking for an Asian male 403 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,120 no longer in a tatty old suit. 404 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,720 In fact, what is he wearing? 405 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,240 DOG BARKS 406 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,520 DOG GROWLS Oh! 407 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,880 I mean, he's clearly got problems at home. 408 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,560 Sleeping in the car, claims he knows Moeen Ali. 409 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,400 I think he's starting to fall apart. 410 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,680 Maybe we should be more considerate. 411 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,240 Custard cream? 412 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,920 Oh, no! 413 00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,720 What's he doing? Showing us his googlies. 414 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,040 COMMENTATOR: Oh, dear. 415 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,640 I'm afraid we've got a rather unwelcome guest on the field. 416 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,840 He is showing us far more than we want to see. 417 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,760 Imagine that on a 52-inch-wide screen. 418 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:17,000 So, we should probably think of some other ideas 419 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,360 in case Mr Khan cannot manage to get Moeen Ali. 420 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,040 No, Mum spoke to him on the phone 421 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,560 when he was actually with the man himself. 422 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,360 Oh, yeah? Really? It's true! 423 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:30,360 He's probably sitting on the balcony with the whole England team. 424 00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,880 Yes, he probably broke in through the window. 425 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,200 Mum! We need to put the telly on! 426 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,960 TELEVISION: 'And finally, the crowd at the Test Match at 427 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,800 'Edgbaston got rather more than they bargained for today 428 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,200 'when a very unusual 12th man took to the field. 429 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,120 'He managed to slip past security 430 00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,720 'and was quickly apprehended by local law enforcement officers. 431 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,840 'Play was held up for several minutes.' 432 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,280 Brilliant! 433 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,240 Well, I can see why you tried to keep him locked out of the house. 434 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,000 But maybe he should be locked up. Is that Amjad? 435 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,000 TELEVISION: 'While we encourage people 436 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,000 'to enjoy the cricket to the full...' 437 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,040 Nice helmet. 438 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,560 '..identified as Sparkhill resident and community leader, Mr Khan. 439 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,400 'Apparently, they all know him.' 440 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,920 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY 441 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,280 Hello, sweetie. 442 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,520 You're always saying I should take up running. 443 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,640 Get some fresh air. 444 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,480 Well, that was a start. 445 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,320 OK, I'm sorry. 446 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,040 Say something. 447 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,280 Idiot. 448 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,240 Something else? 449 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,040 Sorry. I said I'm sorry. 450 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,920 No, I'm saying I'm sorry. 451 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,560 You're sorry? 452 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,080 What for? 453 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,200 Is this a trap? No. 454 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,080 A dream? No! 455 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,520 A hidden camera TV show. 456 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,200 Hello! Is anyone there? 457 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,080 No, I'm sorry because I've been cross with you 458 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,520 when you haven't done anything wrong. 459 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,280 But I forgot our wedding anniversary. 460 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,640 Our wedding anniversary? When was that? 461 00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:31,840 What? 462 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,120 It's just about this woman's group meeting all week. 463 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:37,200 And I've been taking it out on you. 464 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,840 I just want to be part of Nadiya and Mo's lives. 465 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,240 In a way, this whole Moeen Ali thing is my fault. 466 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,720 Sweetie, you don't need to say that. 467 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,520 But, please, do go on. 468 00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,440 I shouldn't have made you sleep in the car. 469 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:55,400 We shouldn't argue like this. 470 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,640 I'm sorry for being short with you. 471 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:01,400 That's OK, sweetie. 472 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,240 I love you for being short. 473 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,680 That's who you are. 474 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,880 Dad! Listen, Shazia, I'm sorry about the... 475 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,360 Never mind about that. Mrs Kominski wants to know 476 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:16,040 if you can make it to the nursery fundraiser. No way! 477 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,240 I'm not made of money! It's not that. 478 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,360 Everybody wants an appearance from the Sparkhill Streaker. 479 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,680 You're trending on Twitter. 480 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,680 Oh! Did you hear that? 481 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:32,040 Maybe it's my turn to make a celebrity appearance, eh? 482 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,080 I should get my suit cleaned. 483 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,600 TEXT ALERT 484 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,880 No need. They don't want to see you in the suit. 485 00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:43,480 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35800

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