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00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:07,360
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
2
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,240
They all know me.
You like my suit?
3
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,440
Number one.
4
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,840
Assalaamu alaikum, Great Britain.
Mr Khan speaking.
5
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:27,160
Welcome to my Boob Tube channel.
6
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,360
I know the country's gone to pot
now a woman's running it,
7
00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:34,160
but don't worry, I'm here.
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00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:39,360
Now, in today's video, I'm going to
teach you about the lessons in love.
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00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,760
Are you watching?
10
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:48,120
Sweetie, darling, I'm very sorry.
11
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I didn't mean to treat you
like that.
12
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,360
And I promise I won't do it again.
13
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,200
Please, forgive me.
14
00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,080
How about a kiss?
15
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,360
Mwah!
16
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:11,240
So why did the man who bought
the car bring it back again?
17
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Well, lucky for me, it broke down
at the end of the road.
18
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,520
And you know the best thing?
No refunds.
19
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,680
HE LAUGHS
Got to go. Bye!
20
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,320
Come on, get cleaning.
It's the cricket today.
21
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I want this car looking brand-new.
22
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,560
And don't forget to wash
into my under body.
23
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,960
That hasn't been done
for a while, huh?
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What are you doing?
25
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:35,560
Well, that was all the water.
Can you get us some more?
26
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,000
Not right now, Dave.
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00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,200
Mr Khan can't go in the house.
Shut up, Amjad.
28
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,840
Yes, I can! I'm the man of the house
and I can do whatever I want.
29
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,240
Not today, though. Mrs Khan said.
30
00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,360
Listen, Dave. In our culture, the
men wear the trousers, all right?
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WHISPERS: Bangladeshi.
Sorry?
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WHISPERS: Bangladeshi.
He said Bangladeshi.
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00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,680
Water? All right, all right.
Here, hold this.
34
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Argh! Twaddi!
35
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,280
It must be jammed.
36
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,360
I think Mrs Khan's locked you out.
37
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,600
Well, that's not possible. It is.
You just do the second lock.
38
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,440
Second lock, why would she
do that? What? Window.
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00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,600
If you breathe in,
you could get through that.
40
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:38,880
Oh, is that the time?
The cricket's on.
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00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,720
Come on! Everyone in the car.
42
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:47,400
Mrs Kominski, I'm so glad you wanted
to hold the meeting here.
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I've made my own Pakistani version
of Victoria sponge cake.
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ALL: Ooh.
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It's like a normal
Victoria sponge cake,
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with added spice,
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fresh garlic and garam masala.
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00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:09,520
So, our first item on the agenda is
fundraising for the nursery. Sorry!
49
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,880
Nadiya didn't want to go down
for her nap. I'm not surprised.
50
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,760
She hasn't got her favourite
blanket. Oh.
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00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,960
And she normally doesn't go down
this early. Right.
52
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,680
Is this your home help? What?!
53
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:26,080
No, I'm Shazia. Sorry, who?
Nadiya's mother. What about Mo?
54
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,480
He's mine too. Sorry.
I hardly know any of you.
55
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,320
I'm normally at work by 8.30.
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00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,400
By the way, Mo's the one
with all the hair, yeah?
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00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,080
RADIO: '..the third Test Match...'
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I still don't understand. Why would
Mrs Khan do the second lock?
59
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,400
Blooming hell, Dave.
What's with all the questions?
60
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,640
Who are you? Ginger Luther?
61
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:50,280
Look, Dave, it's all fine. Mrs Khan
is just worried about security.
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00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,680
Since the Brexit, the Polish
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00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,480
are trying to take everything back
with them before they leave.
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00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,120
I like the Polish. What?
I'm going to miss them.
65
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,040
My Polish friends
down the internet caff
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00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,680
have been teaching me the Polish.
Right.
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00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,080
IN POLISH:
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00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,880
Blimey! Very impressive.
What does it mean?
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00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,360
Hello.
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00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,680
Is that how it's written? Are these
yours? Yes! Can I have one? No.
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00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,760
Is this yours? Yes!
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00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,680
Spend a lot of time in this car,
do you? Maybe.
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00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:30,040
I'm always on the move, aren't I?
Are these yours?
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00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,520
Yes!
75
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,240
What about these? Give me them!
76
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,600
Mr Khan, have you been sleeping
in the car?
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HE LAUGHS
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Don't be ridiculous.
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00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,920
Are these your pyjamas, sir?
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00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:47,960
Of course not. That's Aston Villa's
new away kit.
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00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,440
Is everything OK at home?
82
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,640
Look, Dave. It's all fine.
83
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,920
Mrs Khan just got annoyed
at one or two of my habits,
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so I decided to give her some space
85
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and just sleep in the car
for a couple of nights.
86
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,240
Perfectly normal.
87
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,560
ALL: Perfectly.
88
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,960
Clearing your throat? What?
Your annoying habit?
89
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,920
Clearing your throat thing?
90
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,520
What clearing the throat thing?
91
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,760
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
92
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,960
Was it the toenail clippings?
93
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,600
I cleared them up!
94
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,120
I put them in the mug!
95
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,800
I didn't know it was her tea.
96
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,360
ALL: Eugh!
97
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,480
Chup, it was just a silly argument.
98
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,240
Yeah, it's not like you forgot her
wedding anniversary. Exactly!
99
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,360
Oh, twaddi!
100
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:37,320
You forgot your wedding anniversary,
sir? That's pretty serious.
101
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,400
It explains a lot. Oh, God!
102
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,640
If you ask me, you should get
in there and make amends.
103
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,000
But I'm not asking you, am I, Dave?
So what are you going to do?
104
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,640
I'm going to get in there
and make amends.
105
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,120
Shouldn't you be at work?
106
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,000
No, Nadiya's nursery
is far more important.
107
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,720
Beti, you don't have to stay.
I'm sure I can manage. It's fine.
108
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:10,320
Well, I look forward to your
contribution, Sharia.
109
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,720
Shazia.
110
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,960
Yes.
111
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,160
We have decided that we need
something that will appeal
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00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,880
to the dads this year.
113
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,920
Unfortunately,
there are no men here to ask...
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00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,520
Hello, sweetie!
115
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:30,080
What are you doing?!
I'm so sorry, Mrs Kominski.
116
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,320
Mrs Kominski? Polish!
Hang on. Amjad!
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IN POLISH:
118
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,960
What?!
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00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,760
Keep pushing, Riaz!
120
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,000
Argh!
121
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,880
Sweetie, this is for you.
122
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,840
I have had enough! But, sweetie...
Get out!
123
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,680
Hang on. How did you lot get in?
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00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,880
I've got keys to both locks.
125
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:21,480
Out. Out! Out? Out? Has the cricket
match already started?
126
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:28,080
Oh, God. How could I forget
our wedding anniversary?
127
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,920
What are we going to do now?
128
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,520
Go to the cricket at Edgbaston.
129
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,240
They sent a pair of tickets
to the mosque.
130
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,680
Dave, Mrs Khan hates cricket.
131
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,720
No, you misunderstand.
132
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,360
I'm taking Riaz. Oh, I see.
133
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,440
You'd rather go to the cricket
than help a friend in need? Yep.
134
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,240
Hang on, why didn't you ask me?
135
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:52,280
You just don't want me sitting next
to you when Pakistan beat England.
136
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,800
Right.
137
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,000
And anyway, if England do win,
which they won't,
138
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,200
it's only because they've got
Moeen Ali playing for them. Huh?
139
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,440
So, Pakistan win either way.
140
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:06,480
Except Moeen was actually born in
England. Sparkhill, to be precise.
141
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:10,960
I've seen him at the mosque a couple
of times. Said hello to him once.
142
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:14,440
IMITATES: "I've seen him at
the mosque a couple of times.
143
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,360
"Said hello to him once."
144
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,840
Big deal! Everyone knows Moeen Ali.
145
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:22,880
Do you know Moeen Ali, sir? Hm?
146
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:28,840
Of course! Me and Moeen,
we're like best friends.
147
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,480
I've even showed him my googlies.
148
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,280
That is close.
149
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:39,160
Come on. Oh, that's right!
Off you go.
150
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,840
Leave me to face
the wrath of Mrs Khan.
151
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,240
She's impossible
when she's like this.
152
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,600
Like a bull about to charge.
153
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,760
Like she's got steam coming
out of her nostrils!
154
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:54,080
With her horns heading
straight for my...
155
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,480
She's behind me, isn't she?
156
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,640
Yes. Assalaamu alaikum, Mrs Khan.
157
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,440
And more on Mrs Theresa May later.
158
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,920
Hello, sweetie.
159
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,800
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
You know, I'll do anything for you.
160
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,760
Anything at all.
161
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,360
You name it, I'll do it.
No expense spared.
162
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,160
But go easy on the biscuits, though.
163
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,040
Sweetie, please, let me help you,
please, let...
164
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,200
So, ladies, any ideas?
165
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,840
Here we are!
166
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,840
Mrs Khan's got the biscuits
and I've got the drinks.
167
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:33,440
I know how thirsty you women get
with all the talking you do.
168
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,680
I'm so sorry about my husband,
everyone.
169
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:40,240
Everyone, this is my husband, Amjad.
He's a policeman.
170
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,320
I'm POLICED to meet you too!
171
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,320
Maybe Amjad's got some ideas
for the fundraising
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00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,560
that will appeal to the dads?
173
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,640
Nowadays, it's all about
celebrities. Oh! Me, me, me!
174
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,240
Mr Khan knows a celebrity.
175
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,560
Moeen Ali.
176
00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,760
Moeen Ali?
177
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,320
He's a cricketer.
My husband is a big fan.
178
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,160
Does Mr Khan really know Moeen Ali?
179
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,760
He showed him his googlies.
180
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,240
Googlies are balls.
181
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,840
I think it's a great idea!
Is it? What is?
182
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,880
We should get Moeen Ali involved.
183
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,920
Maybe you could get a bat signed,
then auction it.
184
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,240
My husband would definitely bid
for a signed bat.
185
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,840
Hang on a minute!
186
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,320
Wouldn't it be even better
187
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,640
if we had a celebrity appearance
from Moeen Ali?
188
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,800
What? Yeah.
That would be even better.
189
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,120
And you can make that
happen, can't you?
190
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,120
Can I?
191
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:42,200
I mean, may I?
192
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,600
It would be my pleasure.
193
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,280
Just a bat is fine. We wouldn't want
to take up too much of Moeen's time.
194
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,400
Nonsense! He's a local boy.
195
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,080
He'll just need a bit of persuasion.
196
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,400
Just a bit.
197
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,360
You said you would do anything
for me.
198
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,840
I was thinking chocolates.
199
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,320
Or flowers.
200
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,760
Chocolate, mainly.
201
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,080
But I want This.
No problem, sweetie.
202
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,920
But, just a thought.
203
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,960
Are you sure you wouldn't want
Benny from Crossroads instead?
204
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,000
I mean, he's probably available.
205
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,600
ALL: No!
206
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,920
OK.
207
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,240
Come on!
208
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,720
Amjad, you idiot.
209
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,280
Why did you say that I know
Moeen Ali?
210
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,160
You said you wanted to get into
Mrs Khan's good books
211
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,800
and you said you know him
really well.
212
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,080
I don't know him.
213
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,880
I might have met his dad.
214
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,040
Once.
215
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,600
Or at least, I think it was him.
Brown. Big beard.
216
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,680
They all look the same!
217
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,760
Like a lot of blooming sheep.
218
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,680
IMITATES SHEEP
219
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,960
So, you don't know him?
220
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,320
Maybe we should just tell them
we can't do it.
221
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,160
Brilliant! That's it!
222
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,240
Let's go and tell a room
full of women
223
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:11,360
that they can't have
what they want.
224
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:12,920
They'll understand, won't they?
225
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,800
No. There must be some way
of getting Moeen Ali.
226
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,520
AMJAD GASPS
227
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,880
Yes? I just had a thought.
228
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,120
Go on.
229
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,440
I have to go to work.
230
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,320
Perfect.
231
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,800
You'll just desert me too.
232
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,880
I might just go and sit in my car
and comfort myself
233
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,200
with a packet of custard creams.
234
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,400
Riaz ate all your biscuits.
235
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,160
The greedy, thieving...
236
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:51,440
I really have to get to work now.
237
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:52,560
Fine.
238
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,320
I'm sorry, sir. It's just...
239
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,600
they need extra police
at the Edgbaston.
240
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,720
Pakistan are playing England today.
241
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,480
Say that again.
242
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:15,400
I'm sorry, sir. It's just that
they need extra police...
243
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,800
Amjad, Amjad, Amjad, Amjad!
244
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,920
You're my favourite son-in-law.
245
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,840
I'm your only son-in-law.
246
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,160
You're my favourite only son-in-law.
247
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,360
Am I? Wow!
248
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:33,480
Come on!
249
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:39,000
COMMENTATOR: A very good morning
and welcome to Edgbaston.
250
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,640
Conditions are looking ideal here
in Birmingham for the start of
251
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,960
the Third Test between
England and Pakistan.
252
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,320
We're looking forward to a great
day's cricket, aren't we, Michael?
253
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,680
Yes, certainly are.
England versus Pakistan.
254
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,680
Two great teams, full house,
can't wait.
255
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,200
I'm really not sure about this,
sir. Chillax, Amjad!
256
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,320
I'll come in with you. It's all
about confidence. Be confident!
257
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,880
Exude confidence! But, sir...
258
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:06,480
Oi! Where do you think you're going?
I'm with him. Is he?
259
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:09,040
Where are you taking him?
260
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,080
To the cricket.
261
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,600
I can see that.
262
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,240
Confidence, confidence.
263
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,400
Sorry, I mean...
264
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:21,440
I'm confident I'm taking Mr Khan
to the cricket.
265
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,440
Mr Khan? That's right.
266
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:30,800
I'm undercover. Plainclothes.
Look at them. They're really plain.
267
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,600
All right, Amjad!
268
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,120
Well, there is no record of any
plainclothes in the grounds today.
269
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:41,120
Oh, look! It's WG Grace! What?
270
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,520
Where's he gone?
271
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,600
I don't think WG Grace
was really there.
272
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,160
Mr Khan was just trying
to distract you.
273
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,880
I was thinking, if we're having
a celebrity appearance,
274
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,640
we'll need to make an evening of it.
275
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,360
Yeah, I could do some food.
276
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,240
No, no, no, I can do the food.
277
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,240
I mean, you won't have time,
will you, darling?
278
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,720
What with your work and the kids.
I can handle it.
279
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,280
Shall I wash this up?
280
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,480
BOTH: I'll take that.
281
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:13,760
SHE YELPS
282
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,200
Sorry. I'll help you.
283
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,920
BOTH: I'll do that!
284
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,840
I'll leave you to it.
285
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:23,040
Mum! Why are you being like this?
Like what, beti?
286
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,800
Constantly trying to put one over
on me. Fighting me for a tray.
287
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,560
Nicking my broom.
288
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,800
I'm just trying to be helpful,
beti.
289
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,520
And I'm just trying to make
friends with these mums.
290
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,680
I was thinking of cutting down my
hours so I could be around more,
291
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,280
but it looks like you don't need me.
292
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,480
And I just feel so guilty
all the time.
293
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,600
I feel guilty when I'm at work,
I feel guilty when I'm at home,
294
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:44,800
I feel guilty that I'm a bad mother.
295
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,560
Now you're making me feel guilty!
296
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,760
And now I feel even more guilty!
297
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,720
So do I!
298
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,120
I just worry that if you cut down
your hours, you won't need me,
299
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,040
the other mums won't need me,
300
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,200
and then I'll just be a lonely old
grandmother.
301
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,560
SHE CRIES
Oh, Mum.
302
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,480
I didn't realise. I'm sorry.
303
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,160
THEY BOTH CRY
304
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,680
Look at us two.
305
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,280
Mum, it doesn't matter
if I work or stop work.
306
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,280
I will always need you.
307
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:23,440
Oh, thank you, Shazia.
308
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,080
And you should help
with the fundraiser.
309
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:30,600
I just want what's best for you
and Mo and Nadiya.
310
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,080
I know.
311
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:35,160
What about Dad?
I'm not worried about him.
312
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,160
No, I mean, is he going to get
Moeen Ali?
313
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,200
Ah, you just leave him to me.
314
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,560
OK, Mum.
315
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:46,680
And, Mum, thank you for everything.
You're just so good with the kids.
316
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,360
BABY CRIES
Shut up, Nadiya!
317
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,000
THEY SHOUT: Moeen! Moeen!
318
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,320
MOBILE RINGS
319
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,680
Hello, sweetie. Now, listen.
320
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,840
But, sweetie... Just listen.
321
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,000
You are going to get Moeen Ali
to come to the nursery, OK?
322
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,120
Yes, if that's what
my sweetie wants,
323
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:15,560
that's what my sweetie gets.
324
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,160
So whatever you're doing, stop it
and go and find Moeen Ali.
325
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,720
Chillax, sweetie!
326
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,480
Have you spoken to him? No.
327
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:22,800
Why not?
328
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,680
Well, I was going to,
but then you called.
329
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,480
Well, get off the phone, then!
I'm trying to!
330
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,160
Stupid woman!
331
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,320
Moeen! Moeen!
332
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,320
Oh, God!
333
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,960
I'm looking for a Mr Khan.
334
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,440
Mr Khan?
335
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:52,360
Yes, that's me.
Citizen Khan at your service.
336
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,320
You need to leave, sir. Come on.
337
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,160
But, hang on,
I'm the Mayor of London.
338
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,560
Yeah, yeah, and I'm
the Archbishop of Canterbury.
339
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,720
Hold on! Let's take a selfie!
I'm community leader too.
340
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:05,760
Khan - K, H for hat, A for Asian,
N for knowledge. Ha-ha!
341
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,080
Oh, God! Oh!
342
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,520
A-ha! Moeen will be in there.
343
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,240
Oh, twaddi!
344
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,840
Are you one of the players?
345
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,320
What? One of the players?
346
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,480
Yes, a Pakistani one.
347
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,280
What's your name? Khan.
348
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:48,560
Imran Khan.
349
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,000
You don't look like Imran Khan.
350
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:55,400
Yeah, I've really let myself go.
351
00:18:56,520 --> 00:19:00,360
Losing Jemima hit me really hard.
352
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,000
Can I have a selfie? OK.
353
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,320
Two pounds.
354
00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:12,600
Times are really hard.
355
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,200
Come on, come on! Thank you.
Now clear off!
356
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,680
Come on, haven't you got
a paper round to do?
357
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:26,960
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
358
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,120
Amjad!
359
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,480
HE SCREAMS
360
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,000
You gave me a fright!
361
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,760
Everyone's looking for you, sir.
Maybe you should turn yourself in.
362
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:46,000
Amjad, this is important! I need
to make things up with Mrs Khan.
363
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,200
Come on. Help me get my pads off.
364
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,240
You'd better be quick, sir.
365
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,640
The call's gone out
for a Pakistani man
366
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,600
with a beard and a funny accent...
367
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,800
This is Birmingham. I'll be fine.
368
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,560
..wearing a tatty old suit
from the 1970s.
369
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,080
What? Oh, twaddi. Oh, God.
370
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,320
Right, I'll tell you what.
Hold that there. Hold on.
371
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,800
I'll just put this on. Simple.
No problem. They'll never know.
372
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,040
Here, hold this.
373
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,080
Oh, God. Oh!
374
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,600
Tatty old suit from the '70s?
How dare they!
375
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,960
I bought that from
an Italian china designer.
376
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,240
Oh. I'm not wearing any underpants.
377
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,760
Sleeping in the car, you see.
Turn around.
378
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:41,040
What are you doing?
379
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,520
RADIO: 'Attention, all officers.
380
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,880
'The man with the old tatty suit
was just seen impersonating
381
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:49,880
'a cricketer in the dressing room.'
382
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,120
Oh, twaddi. What am I going to do?
383
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,320
Oh!
384
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,240
I think they're coming! Hang on!
385
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,120
I've got to get Moeen Ali.
386
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:03,920
Take my shirt off...
387
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,520
One second.
388
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:07,280
HE GRUNTS
389
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,920
TROUSERS UNZIP
390
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,680
Nearly there, nearly there!
391
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,880
Hold on.
392
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:15,560
Hold on.
393
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,600
Now pass me the tracksuit.
394
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,200
I'm going to get into
so much trouble!
395
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,760
OK, we know you're in there.
396
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:35,520
Come out nice and slowly with
your hands where I can see them.
397
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:43,000
Not you!
398
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,040
Come on out!
399
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,240
Where is he?
400
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,720
TOILET FLUSHES
401
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,960
Oh, twaddi!
402
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,000
Right, all units,
keep looking for an Asian male
403
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,120
no longer in a tatty old suit.
404
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,720
In fact, what is he wearing?
405
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,240
DOG BARKS
406
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,520
DOG GROWLS
Oh!
407
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,880
I mean, he's clearly got problems
at home.
408
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:30,560
Sleeping in the car,
claims he knows Moeen Ali.
409
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,400
I think he's starting to fall apart.
410
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,680
Maybe we should be more considerate.
411
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,240
Custard cream?
412
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,920
Oh, no!
413
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,720
What's he doing?
Showing us his googlies.
414
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,040
COMMENTATOR: Oh, dear.
415
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,640
I'm afraid we've got a rather
unwelcome guest on the field.
416
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,840
He is showing us far more than
we want to see.
417
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,760
Imagine that
on a 52-inch-wide screen.
418
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:17,000
So, we should probably think
of some other ideas
419
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,360
in case Mr Khan cannot manage
to get Moeen Ali.
420
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,040
No, Mum spoke to him on the phone
421
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,560
when he was actually with
the man himself.
422
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,360
Oh, yeah? Really? It's true!
423
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:30,360
He's probably sitting on the balcony
with the whole England team.
424
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:33,880
Yes, he probably broke in
through the window.
425
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,200
Mum! We need to put the telly on!
426
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,960
TELEVISION: 'And finally,
the crowd at the Test Match at
427
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,800
'Edgbaston got rather more than
they bargained for today
428
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,200
'when a very unusual 12th man
took to the field.
429
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,120
'He managed to slip past security
430
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:49,720
'and was quickly apprehended by
local law enforcement officers.
431
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,840
'Play was held up
for several minutes.'
432
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:53,280
Brilliant!
433
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,240
Well, I can see why you tried
to keep him locked out of the house.
434
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,000
But maybe he should be locked up.
Is that Amjad?
435
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,000
TELEVISION:
'While we encourage people
436
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,000
'to enjoy the cricket
to the full...'
437
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,040
Nice helmet.
438
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,560
'..identified as Sparkhill resident
and community leader, Mr Khan.
439
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,400
'Apparently, they all know him.'
440
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,920
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
441
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,280
Hello, sweetie.
442
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,520
You're always saying
I should take up running.
443
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,640
Get some fresh air.
444
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,480
Well, that was a start.
445
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,320
OK, I'm sorry.
446
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,040
Say something.
447
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,280
Idiot.
448
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:49,240
Something else?
449
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:53,040
Sorry. I said I'm sorry.
450
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,920
No, I'm saying I'm sorry.
451
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,560
You're sorry?
452
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,080
What for?
453
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,200
Is this a trap? No.
454
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:05,080
A dream? No!
455
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:07,520
A hidden camera TV show.
456
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,200
Hello! Is anyone there?
457
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:13,080
No, I'm sorry because
I've been cross with you
458
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,520
when you haven't done
anything wrong.
459
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,280
But I forgot
our wedding anniversary.
460
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:20,640
Our wedding anniversary?
When was that?
461
00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:31,840
What?
462
00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,120
It's just about this woman's group
meeting all week.
463
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:37,200
And I've been taking it out on you.
464
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,840
I just want to be part of
Nadiya and Mo's lives.
465
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,240
In a way, this whole Moeen Ali
thing is my fault.
466
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,720
Sweetie, you don't need
to say that.
467
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,520
But, please, do go on.
468
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:53,440
I shouldn't have made you
sleep in the car.
469
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:55,400
We shouldn't argue like this.
470
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,640
I'm sorry for being short with you.
471
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:01,400
That's OK, sweetie.
472
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,240
I love you for being short.
473
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:07,680
That's who you are.
474
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:10,880
Dad! Listen, Shazia,
I'm sorry about the...
475
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,360
Never mind about that.
Mrs Kominski wants to know
476
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:16,040
if you can make it to the nursery
fundraiser. No way!
477
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:18,240
I'm not made of money!
It's not that.
478
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,360
Everybody wants an appearance
from the Sparkhill Streaker.
479
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,680
You're trending on Twitter.
480
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,680
Oh! Did you hear that?
481
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:32,040
Maybe it's my turn to make
a celebrity appearance, eh?
482
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,080
I should get my suit cleaned.
483
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,600
TEXT ALERT
484
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:38,880
No need. They don't want to see you
in the suit.
485
00:26:38,930 --> 00:26:43,480
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