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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
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You like my suit?
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Number one - Citizen Khan.
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Where's Dad?
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He's got a meeting with the council.
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Something about electing
a new town official?
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BELL RINGS
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Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!
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Residents of the Khan household...
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let it be known far and wide
that on this day
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the downstairs toilet is partially
blocked!
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Number ones only in there
now, please!
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00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:53,700
Dad?
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Let it also be known that
I, Mr Khan,
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am going to be Birmingham's
new town crier!
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If I can get the mayor
and the council lot to agree.
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God save the Queen!
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Allahu akbar!
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HE HAWKS
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What are you doing?
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Good, eh?
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Imagine - your father, Mr Khan,
community leader
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and Birmingham's new town crier!
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Like a proper Pakistani - two jobs.
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Can you have a Pakistani town crier?
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Of course,
Birmingham's a Pakistani town!
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I think it's a great idea, Papaji.
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Thank you, Alia. Now, I just need to
persuade the mayor.
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I'm hoping to catch his eye at the
council meeting later.
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I think he'll probably notice you!
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This council thing could
lead on to bigger
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and better things for you, Papaji.
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The last town crier is now
the Sheriff of Birmingham!
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Ooh, I hate him. He's a baddie.
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He tried to cancel Christmas!
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That's the Sheriff of Nottingham.
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Oh, yes. I have got so much to
learn.
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Maybe start with the alphabet?
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Right, I'm off to the town hall.
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Dad! Before Mum went to Bradford,
you promised her you'd take us
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all to Farley Manor!
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00:02:03,700 --> 00:02:05,700
Amjad's got his tour guide
induction today.
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He can catch the bus. And Alia has to
go for her college project.
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She can catch up. And Naani's been
looking forward to it for ages.
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She can get stu...
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Dad!
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Shazia, what is the point
in your mother being away
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if I'm going to have her Mini-Me
in my lughole instead?
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Fine, I'll call Mum and see what
she has to say about it...
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OK, OK, OK!
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OK, Naani? All set?
Ha?
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Does this place have Wi-Fi?
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Farley Manor is one of the oldest
houses in the Midlands.
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Parts of it date back to the
Jacobean times.
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Yeah, I know that.
I'm doing a project on it.
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What I'm asking is, did
they have Wi-Fi in Jacobean times?
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Oh...
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Right, we're going to need these.
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Dad, Mum's taken Baby Mo with her to
Bradford for the weekend.
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She's showing him
off to all the Bradford aunties.
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I know.
Thank God he's had his tetanus jabs.
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So we won't need those, will we?
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They are for Naani.
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Your mother said to make sure
she doesn't get dehydrated.
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And the reins?
In case she gets lost.
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Like the time she wandered
off in Madame Tussauds.
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She was there for two days before
they realised she wasn't ET.
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Phone home, phone home!
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Come on, easy, come on...
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HE CLICKS TEETH Easy, easy...
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Dad, she's not a horse.
Are you, Naani?
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Neigh.
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Are you excited about today,
Naanijaan?
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Ha.
I want to see the India collection.
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The what?
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It's a collection of India's most
interesting and beautiful objects.
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Where do they keep that?
In a matchbox?
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00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,700
There might be something
there about Naani's father.
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You know, she hardly knew him.
He died when I was a little girl.
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Apparently, he used to
work for Lord Anstruther's
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father in India during the Raj.
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Oh, what did he do?
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He helped on the big tiger shoots
they used to have back then.
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Oh, was he the guide?
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No.
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He was the bait.
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All I remember is a gentle man,
with a warm smile and kind eyes...
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and only one arm.
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Wouldn't it be great
if we could find some record of him
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at Farley Manor?
Something to remind you of him.
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Like what? A tiger with indigestion?
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Dad! Come on, let's go.
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Right.
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HE SIGHS
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Ah...
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Ha-ha!
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Ah, here we are!
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The car park's that way. Oh, no, I
know what I'm doing.
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MAN SHOUTS: Oi! Oi!
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Dad, you can't
park in front of the house!
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It's what we do at home, it's fine,
Shazia.
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Here we go.
You can't park here, sir.
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Yes, whatever,
I'm a community leader, thank you!
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You'll have to move your car,
I'm sorry.
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KHAN HAWKS
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This is great!
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Have you got everything, budhoo?
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Yup. All prepared.
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I'm going to write down detailed
notes of everything
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the tour guide says.
You might want a pencil.
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Oh, no!
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How long is this tour going to take?
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If we stay too long they
might mistake Naani for an exhibit.
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It won't be long.
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I can't hang around Downton Abbaaay
with these losers all day.
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The council's meeting in an hour...
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MAN: OK, my "Sunny Hill" ladies,
let's stay together.
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Hiya!
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Assalaamu Alaikum.
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Oh, isn't it great in here?
I love history!
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You've brought enough of it.
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We're doing the gardens first and
then the India Collection.
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Are you Indian?
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Certainly not!
I'm totally different.
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I'm Pakistani.
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That's near enough!
You're practically an expert!
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ALL: Oh...!
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I'll tell you about India.
It's a dump!
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There, that's all you need to know.
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Come on, then, ladies,
let's go and see the maze!
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It's supposed to be a-maze-ing!
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Hello, everyone!
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Would you like to gather
round for the tour of the house?
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My name is Virginia Stewart.
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00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:41,700
Let me start by welcoming you
all to Farley Manor.
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Mr Khan. Community leader.
They all know me.
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Are you here for the tour?
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No. He is.
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My husband's doing a shadowing day -
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he's applying to be a tour
guide like you!
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Well, you'd better take your pass
and follow me.
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Right, I'm off to see the mayor.
Dad! How are we going to get home?
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You promised Mum you'd look
after Naani.
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Shazia, I've promised your mother
many things over the years,
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I can't remember all of them!
Dad...
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Right, fine! I'll wait in there.
Just hurry up! Huh!
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I'm afraid you'll have to
wait elsewhere.
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They'll be setting up in there
for the gala dinner tonight.
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00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:15,700
Setting up for the what? When?
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The gala dinner.
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To celebrate the opening
of the manor to the public.
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All the city council are coming.
Even the mayor!
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Maybe I'll come with you after all,
huh? Help control the riffraff.
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Righto. Are we ready to start?
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Righto! Let's go, everyone, come on,
listen to Miss Vaginia!
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OK, we're good to go.
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And here we have the largest
of our staterooms,
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which houses the India
Collection...
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ALL: Oooh!
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Very good, very good.
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00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:07,700
The collection was started in 1790
by the second Lord Anstruther,
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00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:11,700
who was C in C of the
6th Madras Light Cavalry...
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00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:17,700
Oh, isn't this marvelous, uh?
"I love India, yaa, ya, ya."
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Really?
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Oh, what do have we here?
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00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,700
No, you mustn't touch
the exhibits...
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00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,700
This must be Gandhi's rice bowl, uh?
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He was always on hunger strike.
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That's why it's so clean!
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Don't write that down.
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Mr Khan, please...
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Hey, listen, Virginity...
This Birmingham Gala Dinner,
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you can't have a dinner
without inviting an
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upstanding member
of the Pakistani community.
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So, come on, how much?
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5 pounds? 7.50 pounds?
Put me next to the mayor.
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I don't really deal with
social events...
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My grandmother wants to know if there's
any record of her father here.
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What? He used to work for the
Anstruthers on the tiger hunts.
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Maybe there's
a photo in the collection?
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00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:03,700
I very much doubt it.
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00:09:03,700 --> 00:09:06,700
The photographs are only
of the important people.
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00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:09,700
So, you're saying my
great-grandfather's not important?
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00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:10,700
Yes.
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00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,700
I mean, not in that way...
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Eldest daughter.
Just ignore her, that's what I do.
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How did they get all this
stuff, anyway?
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00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:22,700
Lord Anstruther's ancestors ACQUIRED
it during their time in India.
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00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,700
Stole it, you mean.
192
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:28,700
Ladoo! Lord Anstruther's
relations weren't thieves.
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Or were they?
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00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,700
Certainly not.
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00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:34,700
Does anyone else have a question?
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00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,700
Ah, Alia - good daughter.
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00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:38,700
This one's very clever. Always
studying.
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00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:40,700
She loves her history and so forth.
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00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:41,700
Yes?
200
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:43,700
There's no Wi-Fi in here.
201
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,700
No.
202
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:46,700
What, not anywhere?
203
00:09:46,700 --> 00:09:52,700
I think there might be free Wi-Fi in
the cafe and gift shop area, but...
204
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:54,700
Probably going to do her homework.
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00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:55,700
HE HAWKS
206
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,700
Maybe you should go as well, ladoo?
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00:09:58,700 --> 00:09:59,700
Fine.
208
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:02,700
Bye-bye.
209
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,700
Sorry about all this, Lady Virgin.
210
00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:08,700
Please, don't mention it to the
Lordliness when you see him, huh?
211
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,700
Perhaps we should move on.
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00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:11,700
Good idea!
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00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:13,700
This way, everybody...
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00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,700
Come on, jala, jala.
Jala, jala, come on, come on.
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00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,700
SHE SHOUTS
216
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,700
What? What is it?
Toilet.
217
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,700
Couldn't you have gone before?
218
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,700
Can't you hold it until the end?
219
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:27,700
Nah.
Right. Come on.
220
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:31,700
HE HAWKS
221
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:33,700
Oh!
222
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:38,700
Oh, twaddi, I think this is where the
lord lives.
223
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,700
Oh, quickly! No.
224
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:43,700
All right,
maybe there's a toilet in here.
225
00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:45,700
MAN SNORES
226
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,700
Hai!
227
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,700
Shhhh! Just leave the tea on the
table, Dorothy.
228
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,700
IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE:
Very good, your Lordliness.
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00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:56,700
HE HAWKS
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00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,700
You're not Dorothy.
231
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:04,700
No.
Nor is she.
232
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:05,700
No.
233
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:08,700
Who are you, then? And what are you
doing in my private apartments?
234
00:11:08,700 --> 00:11:12,700
Mr Khan, community leader,
your Lordfulness.
235
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:13,700
So sorry to barge in on you.
236
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:17,700
I was just looking for somewhere for my
mother-in-law to perform her evacuations.
237
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:20,700
Oh, I see.
238
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:22,700
Well, then, you'll need to go back
out
239
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:25,700
and right to the very end
of the corridor,
240
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:27,700
and then down some stairs...
SHE GROANS
241
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:28,700
She is quite desperate.
242
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:32,700
Oh, well, in that case,
there's one just through there.
243
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:35,700
Juldi kara, go on.
244
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:36,700
HE CLEARS THROAT
245
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,700
HE HAWKS
246
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,700
HAWKS LOUDER
247
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:55,700
How do you like the house?
248
00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:58,700
Oh, it's very nice. I particularly
enjoyed the Pakistani room.
249
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:01,700
Eh?
Oh, you mean the India Collection.
250
00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:03,700
You say potato, I say aloo gobi!
251
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:07,700
Quite. We're very proud of it,
252
00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:10,700
of course, we keep all the best
stuff in here, out of harm's way!
253
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:14,700
Good idea. I do the same thing in my
house. Oh, really?
254
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:17,700
Oh, yes. I hide all the custard
creamies in my sock drawer.
255
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:20,740
Here, have a look at this.
256
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,700
Hang on, that looks like a lota.
257
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,700
We use that
to wash our buttocks!
258
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:31,700
Exactly right. It's a water vessel
used for personal cleansing.
259
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:33,700
What do you think?
260
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,700
You want me to take it in for her?
261
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:39,700
There's really no need,
she's fine with paper these days.
262
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,700
No, no, no. What I mean is -
263
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:44,700
you'd never guess that this
little pot was the most
264
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:45,700
valuable item in the house,
would you?
265
00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:49,700
It used to belong to the great
Shah Jahan himself.
266
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:52,700
Vah! Really?!
267
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:57,700
Imagine the famous bottoms this has
seen over the centuries!
268
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:58,700
Do be careful with it.
269
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,700
Don't worry, I've seen them
270
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,700
do this on the Antiques Roadshow
with Fiona Brucie!
271
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,700
There we are.
Thank you.
272
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:11,700
All safe and sound.
273
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:12,700
CLANG
274
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,700
Noooo!
275
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,312
I got it!
276
00:13:28,700 --> 00:13:30,700
I got it. Thank goodness!
277
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:31,700
Lucky I was here, huh?
278
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,700
Yes.
279
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:37,700
There's no need to thank me.
280
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:39,700
Oh, right.
281
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,700
I mean,
if there's anything I can do...
282
00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:45,700
Invite me to the gala dinner
tonight?! Sorry?
283
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,700
Invite me to the gala dinner.
Put me next to the mayor.
284
00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:50,700
I want him to make me town crier.
Really?
285
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,700
Oh, yes, if we Muslims can do call to
prayer,
286
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:55,700
we can do call to car-boot
sale, too!
287
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:56,700
I see.
288
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:59,700
Well, I suppose it might
be appropriate to have an
289
00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:00,700
"authentic" presence.
290
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:03,700
A real taste of the old Punjab!
291
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:06,700
Exactly. Show that you're
"down with the brown"!
292
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:10,700
That's very good!
293
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,700
There's plenty more where
that came from!
294
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:15,700
Then, I'll add your name to the
guest list.
295
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:16,700
Oh, excellent!
296
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,700
K, H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.
297
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:20,700
Jolly good.
298
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,700
All better?
299
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:26,700
I will see you later, won't I?
300
00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:29,700
I'm looking forward to it.
301
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,700
What do you say
to his Lordfulshipness?
302
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:32,700
Thank you.
303
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,700
You're very welcome.
304
00:14:37,700 --> 00:14:40,700
She says, "I'd give it five minutes,
if I were you."
305
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:52,700
Virginia said I did really well.
I might even get the job.
306
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,700
Well done, budhoo.
Baby Mo will be so proud.
307
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,700
Guess who is going to the gala
dinner tonight?!
308
00:14:58,700 --> 00:14:59,700
Wait, I know this...
309
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:06,700
It's me! I got a personal invitation
from the Lord Anstruther himself!
310
00:15:06,700 --> 00:15:07,700
What do you think of that?
311
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:11,700
That's amazing, Papaji!
You're so aristocratic and that!
312
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:12,700
Thank you, beti!
Can I come?
313
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,700
Unfortunately not.
314
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,700
So, come on, let's get you home,
so I can grab my crier clappers
315
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:20,700
and bell ends and be back here in
time for the big shindig!
316
00:15:20,700 --> 00:15:24,700
Such a shame we didn't find anything
out about Naani's father.
317
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:27,700
It would have been fantastic to get
her something to remember him by.
318
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:30,700
I'll get her something from here.
Anything she wants.
319
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,700
As long as it's no more than 99p.
320
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,700
See anything you like?
321
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,700
Nay.
322
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,700
Oh...
How about some soap?
323
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,700
What's going on?
324
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:45,700
Eh?
What have you got in your bag?
325
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,700
Nothing.
Let me see.
326
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:49,700
Nay.
Go on.
327
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:50,700
Nay!
328
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,700
Dad!
Shazia, you can't be too careful.
329
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,700
Remember the incident with
the packet of dusters?
330
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,700
I still can't
show my face in Robert Dyas.
331
00:15:57,700 --> 00:16:00,700
Give it to me! Let's see what you've
got in it this time.
332
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:04,700
Hai!
333
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:06,700
What's that?
334
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,700
It looked like a lota.
335
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:12,700
It is a lota. It's Lord Anstruther's
prize bum washer!
336
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:15,700
Oh, no!
How did she get that?
337
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:18,700
She's stolen it from his private
apartments!
338
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:19,700
Brilliant!
339
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,700
Naani, you can't take things that
don't belong to you.
340
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,700
Does belong to me.
What?
341
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:29,700
Was in my family
for generations. British stole it.
342
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:31,700
Rubbish. Why would the British want
something covered in 200 years
343
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:33,700
of your family's botty backwash?
344
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:38,700
She's taking back what's
rightfully hers.
345
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:41,700
This is like
Sparkhill's Elgin Marbles!
346
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,700
Lost her marbles, more like.
347
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:45,700
It's not hers!
348
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:49,700
It is! My grandfather told me
about it.
349
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,700
He described it to me exactly.
350
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,700
And did he say it was
made in the 16th century
351
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:56,700
and inlaid with jade
and precious stones?
352
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,700
Oh, my mistake.
353
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,700
What are we going to do?
354
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:02,700
We'll just have to turn her in.
355
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:05,700
You get a reduced sentence
if you confess.
356
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,700
Naani can't go to prison!
357
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:11,700
Don't worry, Alia. She'll get her own
room and three meals a day.
358
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:14,700
It's like a retirement home but with
fewer day trips.
359
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:19,700
Why don't we just leave
it on the side somewhere?
360
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,700
They'll still know who took it.
361
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,700
Fingerprints, you see.
362
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:25,700
Ha! And it's covered in yours.
363
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:28,700
What?
364
00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:29,700
No gala dinner for you.
365
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,700
Right, I'll just have to put it
back before anyone notices.
366
00:17:32,700 --> 00:17:36,700
Amjad, I'll need your help.
I was going to get the novelty soap.
367
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,700
Amjad, just come on!
368
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:43,700
Right, follow me.
369
00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:46,700
Why do I have to come, sir?
I need your pass to get in.
370
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:48,700
Oh, no...
371
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,700
Amjad, you want to
be in the Guides, don't you?
372
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:52,700
What?
373
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,700
Tour guide - show me round!
374
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:58,700
Sorry, sir, this
part of the house is restricted.
375
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:00,700
You can't come in here without
an official tour guide.
376
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:01,700
I've got one.
377
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,700
Amjad...
378
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,700
Very good, sir.
Hiya!
379
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:15,700
Thank goodness we caught you.
I thought we'd missed the tour!
380
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:16,700
Oh, twaddi!
381
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:23,700
Come on...
382
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,700
Hurry up, choppity chop.
383
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,700
Is this the India Collection, then?
No.
384
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,700
Oh, only, we really wanted to see
the India Collection.
385
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:35,700
Didn't we, ladies?
386
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,700
ALL: Yes. We did. That's why we
came...
387
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,700
Shhhh! It's a special bit of the
India Collection
388
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:43,700
in Lord Anstruther's
private apartments.
389
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,700
Ooh! Are we in the private
apartments?
390
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:47,700
Yes.
391
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:48,700
ALL CHATTER
392
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,700
Chupah!
393
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,700
Does he not know we're in here?
394
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:53,700
Yes, of course he does.
395
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,700
Then, why do we have to be quiet?
396
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:58,700
Because...
397
00:18:58,700 --> 00:19:00,700
Because of the animals.
398
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:01,700
What animals?
399
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,700
Tigers!
ALL: Tigers!
400
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,700
No! Forget the tigers.
There's no tigers.
401
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:11,700
OK? Now, everyone just stay
here and be quiet. Hm?
402
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:14,700
OK...
403
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:19,700
What about the lota?
404
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,700
What?
Isn't there supposed to be a lota?
405
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,700
That belonged to the Shah Jahan?
406
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,700
The most valuable
thing in the collection?
407
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,700
Is there?
408
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:35,700
Yes. Perhaps our guide
knows where it is?
409
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:36,700
I never touched it!
410
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:39,700
Pardon?
411
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,700
Nothing.
412
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:45,700
Amjad, why don't you tell all the nice
ladies about the interesting artefacts, uh?
413
00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:48,700
What?
While I do the other thing.
414
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:50,700
Oh, yes.
415
00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:54,700
Could you tell us anything
about the history of the collection?
416
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,700
Not really.
417
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:01,700
Right, why don't we go over here?
418
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:05,700
Here we have a very interesting
thing.
419
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:07,700
A suit of armour.
420
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:09,700
Yes. A suit of armour.
421
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:14,700
You got one armour there,
and one armour here.
422
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:19,700
Why don't we look at some
other stuff?
423
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,700
Oh. Oh, look.
424
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:24,700
Here we have a china
doggy thing.
425
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,700
And a goldy clocky thing.
426
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:32,700
And a silver boxy thing...
427
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:34,700
We really wanted to see the lota.
428
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,700
Well, you can't.
Why can't we?
429
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:39,700
Why can't they?
430
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:41,700
The zip's stuck!
431
00:20:41,700 --> 00:20:45,700
It must be here somewhere.
Where would you keep a lota?
432
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,700
In the toilet?
433
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:49,700
Brilliant!
What?
434
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:50,700
They keep it in the toilet.
435
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:55,700
Alongside the Shan Jahan's favourite
can of lavender air freshener.
436
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:56,700
Come on, then, ladies.
437
00:20:56,700 --> 00:20:58,700
Come on...
438
00:20:58,700 --> 00:21:00,700
That's it.
439
00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:01,700
Right, give it to me.
440
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:06,700
Come on, come on...!
441
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,700
VOICES APPROACH
Sir, someone's coming!
442
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:12,700
Oh...
I think they went this way.
443
00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:16,700
This will do.
444
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:19,700
No, sir! I'm sorry!
445
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,700
For the bag, you idiot.
446
00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,700
KHAN GRUNTS
447
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,700
Oh!
448
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,700
There we are. Easy peasy.
449
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:39,700
I can't see the lota in here.
450
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:41,700
Amjad.
451
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,700
Oh!
452
00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:51,700
Right. Right...
453
00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:54,700
CLATTER
454
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:05,700
SMASH
455
00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:09,700
What on earth is going on?!
456
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:12,700
(Clumsy.)
457
00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:24,700
I'm sorry you've
had your day ruined, ladies.
458
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:28,700
We had no idea. They said
they were the official tour guides.
459
00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:29,700
Just one guide.
460
00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:33,700
Well, I'm actually just a trainee.
461
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,700
Not any more.
You mean, I've passed?
462
00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:37,700
Hardly.
463
00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:39,700
Oh.
464
00:22:39,700 --> 00:22:42,700
Come on, ladies, if we're quick
we can still catch the
465
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:45,700
Afghan rug exhibition
at the Black Country Museum.
466
00:22:45,700 --> 00:22:47,700
What's going on, budhoo?
467
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,700
You all need to leave. Immediately.
468
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:50,700
What? Why?
469
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:52,700
I scarcely know where to begin.
470
00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:54,700
Let me help you.
471
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:57,700
You lot need to clear off before you
embarrass me in front of the mayor.
472
00:22:57,700 --> 00:22:59,700
You have to leave as well.
473
00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:01,700
Not me!
474
00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:04,700
I'm going to be rubbing the elbows at
the gala dinner tonight!
475
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:06,700
You seriously expect me
to believe that?
476
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:08,700
Hello, what's all this?
477
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:10,700
Oh, nothing, Your Lordship.
These people were just leaving.
478
00:23:10,700 --> 00:23:13,700
Ah, Khan! There you are.
479
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:14,700
Hello, lordy lordy!
480
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:18,700
I do like your Scottish man dress.
481
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:21,700
Yes, well,
my family were originally Scottish.
482
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:23,700
Then, we have a lot in common.
483
00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:24,700
Hmm?
Well, I'm an immigrant, too!
484
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:26,700
Oh, quite.
485
00:23:26,700 --> 00:23:29,700
Well, the dinner
guests will be arriving any minute.
486
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:30,700
Oh, spliffing news, Your Worship.
487
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:34,700
And I've put you between the mayor
and Noddy Holder.
488
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:36,700
Perfect!
489
00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:39,700
This man is a fraudster and a vandal.
Mr Khan?
490
00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:41,700
I don't know what she's
talking about.
491
00:23:41,700 --> 00:23:43,700
He impersonated a tour guide...
492
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:44,700
That was him.
493
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:47,700
Then he snuck into your private
apartments and wreaked havoc!
494
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:49,700
What? Only because she stole the
lota! Dad!
495
00:23:49,700 --> 00:23:51,700
But it's true!
Khan...?
496
00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:55,700
Let me explain. There was
a little bit of a hullabaloo...
497
00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:57,700
But now it's all tickety-boo...
498
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:00,700
What about the lota...?
499
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:04,700
Don't worry. Your prized bum washer
is back where it belongs.
500
00:24:04,700 --> 00:24:06,700
Well done, again, Khan, old boy.
501
00:24:09,700 --> 00:24:12,700
Dad, are you just going
to abandon us?
502
00:24:12,700 --> 00:24:13,700
Shazia. Let's think about this.
503
00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:17,700
Go home with you or stay here
and rub my elbow on some big nobs?
504
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:20,700
Come on, old boy.
505
00:24:20,700 --> 00:24:23,700
Why don't I give you a quick
preprandial in the billiard room?
506
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:29,700
OK, but can we have a drink first?
507
00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:31,700
ANSTRUTHER CHUCKLES
508
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:33,700
Off you go, then.
509
00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:36,700
Don't worry, we're going.
We don't want to stay here anyway.
510
00:24:36,700 --> 00:24:39,700
This house was built on cultural
oppression
511
00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:42,700
and the exploitation of thousands
of innocent people!
512
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:45,700
Yeah. And your Wi-Fi's rubbish.
Just a moment.
513
00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:47,700
Oi!
What are you doing?
514
00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:49,700
I want to make sure
she hasn't got anything else.
515
00:24:49,700 --> 00:24:51,700
How dare you!
Leave her alone!
516
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:54,700
You can't do that!
Step back, please, sir.
517
00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:58,700
Papaji!
Take your hands off the bag!
518
00:25:02,700 --> 00:25:04,700
I was talking to you.
519
00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:09,700
Is everything all right, Khan, old
chap?
520
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:11,700
I'm afraid not, even older chap.
521
00:25:11,700 --> 00:25:14,700
This woman has been looking down her
nose at us from the start.
522
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:16,700
Oh, I know,
she's frightful, isn't she?
523
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:17,700
What?
524
00:25:19,700 --> 00:25:22,700
So, I'm sorry, lord of the manners, I
can't come to your gala din-dins tonight.
525
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,700
We Khans have to stick together.
526
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,700
Oh, are you sure
I can't persuade you to stay?
527
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:30,700
Because Noddy is going to be
so disappointed.
528
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:35,700
No. I'm sorry. It may be a gala
dinner full of important
529
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,700
and powerful people,
but my family needs me.
530
00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:42,700
And I'd rather be with them than
with the best people in the world.
531
00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:54,700
I wanted to be a good father
to Baby Mo, show that I'm clever.
532
00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:58,700
Maybe I should buy a book on it?
533
00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:00,700
Good idea, you can
get him to read it to you.
534
00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:05,700
You're already a good father,
budhoo.
535
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:08,700
You love him
and you'll always be there for him.
536
00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:11,700
That's all he needs. That's true.
537
00:26:11,700 --> 00:26:13,700
I wish my father had been
there for me.
538
00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:17,700
Oh...
539
00:26:17,700 --> 00:26:19,700
Here.
540
00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:21,700
Eh?
541
00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:25,700
It's an old photo.
It's all black-and-white and that.
542
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:27,700
Lord Anstruther gave it to me.
543
00:26:27,700 --> 00:26:30,700
It looks like one of those
old tiger hunts.
544
00:26:30,700 --> 00:26:33,700
Ha. And look there.
545
00:26:33,700 --> 00:26:37,700
The man - standing
to the side, with his arm crossed.
546
00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:43,700
Is that Naani's dad?!
547
00:26:43,700 --> 00:26:44,700
Papaji!
548
00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:46,700
Oh, my God!
549
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:48,700
Oh, my hero!
550
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:49,700
Please. It was nothing.
551
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:53,700
Not you.
552
00:26:53,700 --> 00:26:55,700
My daddy.
553
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:59,700
I'm really proud of you, Dad,
you did the right thing.
554
00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:03,700
Lord Anstruther will respect
you for putting family first.
555
00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:07,700
And there will be other
chances for you to be town crier.
556
00:27:07,700 --> 00:27:10,700
You know what, Shazia, you're right.
557
00:27:10,700 --> 00:27:14,700
Now we're chummy chummy, I'll do the
chitty chatty with the lordy lordy.
558
00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:17,700
And he'll have a wordy wordy
with the mayor,
559
00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:22,700
and he'll invite us both over for a
garibaldi and a nice cup of tea!
560
00:27:23,700 --> 00:27:25,700
I don't think so, Papaji.
561
00:27:25,700 --> 00:27:27,700
Why not?
562
00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:29,700
Naani nicked his teapot.
563
00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:31,700
Heh!
564
00:27:31,700 --> 00:27:36,700
Oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi!
565
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:38,700
CRASH
566
00:27:38,750 --> 00:27:43,300
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