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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
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00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:08,004
the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
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Do you like my suit?
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Number one. Citizen Khan.
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What time are they coming round?
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7.30. Don't worry, beti.
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Everything will be ready.
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I'm just nervous.
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It's the first time Amjad's parents
have been for dinner.
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The house looks really nice,
Mrs Khan.
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Thank you, Amjad. I'm hoping
your mother will be impressed!
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Snooty old bag!
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Mum, be nice!
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I'm always nice, beti.
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00:00:45,084 --> 00:00:47,000
Where's Dad?
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He's playing with his new chair.
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Shazia, I've been expecting you.
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What are you wearing?
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Smoking jacket. Good, eh?
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00:01:09,048 --> 00:01:11,016
The trousers are a bit tight.
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00:01:13,036 --> 00:01:15,012
Told you not to buy them on eBay.
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They were ten seconds to go.
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I had to put a bid in.
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Sophisticated, isn't it?
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But, Dad, the Malik's are
coming around tonight.
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We have to talk
about the wedding plans.
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I know that, Shazia.
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I've accepted we're marrying into
the Malik family,
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but some good can still come of it.
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Mr Malik's going to get me into
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the Sparkhill Pakistani Business
Association. What?
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Sparkhill Pakistani Business
Association -
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Mr Malik's a member -
he can get me in!
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But, Dad... Look, I've been trying
for 20 years to get in the SPBA
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and finally it's going to happen,
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and it's only costing me one
daughter!
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Don't you think tonight should be
about the wedding...?
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Wedding, wedding, wedding...
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Anyone would think bloomin' wedding
is most important day of your life!
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Which it is.
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Don't worry, ladoo, it'll be fine.
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My mum's really excited about it.
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She keeps saying, "I can't believe
we're going THERE for dinner!"
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I just want everyone to get on.
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I promise you, tonight will be
a sophisticated and elegant evening.
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I've even got a butler!
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A what?
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BELL RINGS
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Ta-daa!
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Sorry. You rang, milord?
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It's Keith from next door. Good, eh?
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Keithwalla,
have you cleaned the veranda?
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You mean, have I taken the old
mattress out of your front garden?
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Dad, you can't have servants,
it's demeaning.
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OK. Sorry, Keith, you can't be
a butler.
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It's demeaning...to butlers.
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Righto.
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So, when the Maliks arrive,
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there will be some chitty-chatty,
maybe mention SPBA
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and then we ring gong for dinner...
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The what?
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DULL METAL CLANG
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Gonnnnnnggg...!
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POSHLY: Dinner is served.
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Actually, it's "bong"
not "gong".
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All right,
Miss Camilla Parker Know-It-Alls!
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I think I know more about etiquette
than you do.
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CLEARS THROAT NOISILY
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Sorry, sir.
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And then, after dinner, we can play
charades.
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Why are we doing that?
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It's Dad's favourite game.
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He practises at home all the time.
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How?
Mum never lets him say anything.
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Wow, Mum!
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Is it OK?
It's brilliant!
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Look at all the knives and forks!
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00:04:02,020 --> 00:04:04,032
Mum, promise me
we can talk about the wedding.
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00:04:04,032 --> 00:04:07,020
We need to discuss the venue,
the caterers, the guest list...
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I know, I know. And we all agree,
we don't want anything over the top.
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Do we, budhoo? No.
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Of course not. I understand.
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So, in terms of numbers...
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Well, I've already done my list.
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Oh. Don't worry.
It's just the bare minimum.
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Only the people
we absolutely have to invite.
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Oh, great. How many is that then?
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150!
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What?
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00:04:36,092 --> 00:04:39,092
Blimey, are we expecting someone
with three sets of arms?
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Starter, soup spoon,
main course, dessert.
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And if you forget how to use your
knife and fork,
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just remember you're Pakistani,
and eat with your fingers!
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What are you doing?
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You want everything to be perfect.
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This is how they do
it on the Downton Abbey.
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00:05:01,084 --> 00:05:05,008
Knife and fork must be exactly...
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12 inches apart.
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00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,072
Are you sure?
Of course.
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If you haven't got your 12 inches,
you can't be laid properly.
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I wish someone had told me
that before.
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Don't set a place for me,
I'm going out.
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00:05:20,044 --> 00:05:23,028
No, you're not.
But I've got to go to the mosque.
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You mean party.
It's a prayer meeting.
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Slash-party. Papaji!
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Shazia, stop being mean
to your sister!
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Just put the plates out.
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No, not the normal ones.
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The ones in the sideboard.
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What?
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Yes, that's right.
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We are taking out the Royal Albert
dinner service.
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We've had it for 22 years and it's
never been out of the cupboard...
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until today.
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All right, we've done everything
we can -
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laid out the best china,
hoovered up my toenail clippings,
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and put out some fresh plastic
flowers!
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All we have to do is greet them.
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00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,012
Mr Malik! Salaam Aleikum.
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LOUD RIPPING
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I'm just going to change for dinner.
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Mr and Mrs Abbasi.
Mr and Mrs Ansari. Mr and Mrs Basra.
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Mr and Mrs Chaudhry...
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This isn't a guest list,
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it's a Pakistani phone book!
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And that's just my mum's lot.
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How many is your mum
planning to invite?
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Not sure.
You must have some idea.
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About 20 or 30...
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Oh, that's all right then!
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...more than your mum.
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Oh, my God! That's more than
300 people.
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No, it isn't!
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00:06:54,096 --> 00:06:56,000
It's...
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Yes, you're right, it is, yes.
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I'm not getting in married in front
of 300 total strangers.
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00:07:05,072 --> 00:07:07,016
We have to tell them.
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OK. Tonight.
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Are you sure?
Maybe we should wait.
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00:07:10,044 --> 00:07:13,028
Look, Amjad, do you want a small,
tasteful ceremony
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with a few people we love most
share the moment
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when we promise to spend the rest of
our lives together,
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or would you refer the all singing,
all dancing, Pakistani weddingathon
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with hundreds of uncles and aunties
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you've never met getting frisky on
Fanta?
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Amjad!
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The first one,
but they're going to be so cross!
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You're a man now, Amjad.
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00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:40,012
Are you going to let yourself be ordered
around by your mother all your life?
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You're right!
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There comes a time in every man's
life where he has to...
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Come on! Right.
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That's such a cool chair, Papaji.
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Thank you, beti.
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Mr Malik will be really impressed.
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Do you think?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
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Can I go out?
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00:08:04,004 --> 00:08:06,020
Alia, you heard what your mother
said.
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00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:08,068
But... I'm not having you go to
some party.
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00:08:08,068 --> 00:08:10,092
I'm not going to a party.
But Shazia said...
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I'm going to the mosque
with my study group.
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We're going to be dead religious,
and that.
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The mosque is closed -
they had a flood.
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Oh.
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Alia...
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I'm your father.
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You must show me respect.
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And if you respect someone,
you must tell them the truth.
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00:08:32,016 --> 00:08:34,048
Now, were you really going to
the mosque?
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No.
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So where were you going?
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To a party.
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Oh, Alia, I'm disappointed.
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Sorry, Papaji.
But I said I would go.
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00:08:45,032 --> 00:08:47,076
Well, then you'll just have to
tell them you can't.
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00:08:47,076 --> 00:08:49,084
Who's party is it?
Mo Javed.
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00:08:49,084 --> 00:08:53,028
Right, then you call Mo Javed and...
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00:08:53,028 --> 00:08:57,016
Hang on.
Mo Javed, Mr Javed's son?
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Yeah.
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Mr Javed, President of the
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00:09:00,012 --> 00:09:04,000
Sparkhill Pakistani Business
Association, Mr Javed?
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00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,056
Yeah?
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00:09:05,056 --> 00:09:07,000
Where is the party?
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00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,012
At his house.
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00:09:08,012 --> 00:09:09,080
At his house.
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00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,068
Mr Javed's House...
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00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:15,020
in Harborne.
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00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:19,036
The one with the electric gates
and the double garage,
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00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:24,024
and the stained glass leaded
windows? Yeah.
191
00:09:24,024 --> 00:09:30,000
And Mo Javed's invited you, Alia,
Mr Khan's daughter!
192
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,064
Yeah. Well, actually, it was his
cousin's friend's next-door neighbour.
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00:09:33,064 --> 00:09:35,008
Same thing.
194
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,028
What kind of party is it?
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00:09:38,028 --> 00:09:39,096
A birthday party.
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00:09:39,096 --> 00:09:41,048
Well, there's no harm in that -
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00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:46,024
pass the parcel, musical statues,
then jelly and ice cream, isn't it?
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00:09:46,024 --> 00:09:47,052
Sort of.
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This is a great honour.
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When Mr Malik finds out that
my daughter
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is the friend of the next door
neighbour of a friend of the cousin
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00:09:53,088 --> 00:09:58,040
of the son of the President of
Sparkhill Pakistani Business
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00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:02,084
Association, I'll be
a shoo-in for membership.
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00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:04,064
How will he find out?
205
00:10:04,064 --> 00:10:07,096
Don't worry, I have my ways.
206
00:10:07,096 --> 00:10:09,040
I'll post it on Facebook...
207
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,084
...and put it in the mosque
newsletter.
208
00:10:12,084 --> 00:10:16,064
And if that doesn't work,
I'll just tell him. Nice.
209
00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:20,072
You see, beti, how important it is
to tell the truth?
210
00:10:20,072 --> 00:10:23,000
I wouldn't have known about any
of this
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00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,088
if you hadn't told me the truth.
212
00:10:24,088 --> 00:10:27,072
So, can I go?
OK.
213
00:10:27,072 --> 00:10:29,044
What about Mum?
214
00:10:29,044 --> 00:10:31,024
We'll say you've gone to the mosque.
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00:10:34,088 --> 00:10:37,044
DOORBELL RINGS
OK. Are you ready?
216
00:10:37,044 --> 00:10:41,024
Now remember, don't fight with her,
and don't mention his...
217
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:44,044
Of course not!
218
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,024
Apparently, he's very sensitive
about it.
219
00:10:47,024 --> 00:10:50,052
Amjad says he has to glue it on
when it's windy!
220
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:55,044
Don't worry about me,
I know how to behave. All right.
221
00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,084
Salaam Aleikum!
222
00:11:01,016 --> 00:11:03,028
Waleikum Asalaam.
223
00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:06,044
So glad you could make it.
Please, do come in.
224
00:11:06,044 --> 00:11:07,080
Thank you.
225
00:11:11,052 --> 00:11:12,096
Can I take your hat?
226
00:11:14,028 --> 00:11:15,032
Sorry?
227
00:11:17,016 --> 00:11:18,052
Nothing.
228
00:11:19,072 --> 00:11:22,076
You might think
we move in different circles,
229
00:11:22,076 --> 00:11:29,056
but not all our friends are wealthy,
successful and intelligent.
230
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:32,080
We know a few people like you.
231
00:11:35,084 --> 00:11:38,040
Well, we know quite a few
bigwigs ourselves!
232
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,056
He means high-flyers.
233
00:11:42,056 --> 00:11:44,092
I mean high flyers!
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
234
00:11:47,012 --> 00:11:49,076
Please, take a seat.
Dinner won't be long.
235
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,080
No rush.
236
00:11:52,076 --> 00:11:56,064
Please, sit down. Take the weight
off your head - your feet!
237
00:11:59,064 --> 00:12:03,020
It's... very stuffy in here,
238
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,092
not like our house.
239
00:12:04,092 --> 00:12:07,076
We've just had air
conditioning fitted.
240
00:12:07,076 --> 00:12:11,000
Oh! We've got air conditioning,
too.
241
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,032
Look.
242
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,024
Salaam Aleikum.
243
00:12:15,024 --> 00:12:17,024
Here's the happy couple!
244
00:12:17,024 --> 00:12:19,060
We brought snacks.
I've got pakoras.
245
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:22,024
Oh, well done, Amjad.
246
00:12:22,024 --> 00:12:24,020
Such a good boy.
247
00:12:24,020 --> 00:12:26,068
Mrs Khan made them. Do you want one?
No.
248
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:31,008
Daddy? Why don't we talk about the
wedding?
249
00:12:31,008 --> 00:12:33,000
There's something we need to
discuss.
250
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,052
Yes, good idea.
251
00:12:34,052 --> 00:12:37,000
No, why don't we leave that till
later?
252
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,088
Let's leave the boys
to their business talk.
253
00:12:39,088 --> 00:12:43,040
Maybe you'd like to help me
in the kitchen.
254
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,020
Yes. You need all
the help you can get.
255
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,020
Careful, Amjad!
256
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:52,096
You're dropping crumbs on the rug,
wig, carpet!
257
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,068
Well... something smells.
258
00:13:03,012 --> 00:13:05,016
It's nearly ready.
259
00:13:05,016 --> 00:13:07,072
I hope you haven't gone to
too much trouble.
260
00:13:07,072 --> 00:13:10,020
Not at all. Just a few dishes -
261
00:13:10,020 --> 00:13:12,068
lamb, chicken, dhal, potatoes,
spinach, roti, rice,
262
00:13:12,068 --> 00:13:15,032
cauliflower, aubergine...
263
00:13:15,032 --> 00:13:16,064
Ah...
264
00:13:16,064 --> 00:13:19,004
We probably should have
told you.
265
00:13:19,004 --> 00:13:20,028
Told me what?
266
00:13:20,028 --> 00:13:24,028
Mr Malik and I are on a special
diet at the moment.
267
00:13:25,052 --> 00:13:27,028
The raw food diet?
268
00:13:27,028 --> 00:13:30,016
Where you can't eat anything cooked.
269
00:13:30,016 --> 00:13:33,096
Mum... So you can't eat
any of the food I've made?!
270
00:13:39,088 --> 00:13:42,092
Why don't you sit in this chair?
Much more comfy, eh?
271
00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:47,060
Very nice.
272
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,016
I got a great deal on it
through my business contacts.
273
00:13:50,016 --> 00:13:51,068
It reclines and everything.
274
00:13:51,068 --> 00:13:54,032
Really?
Yes! Go on, give it a go.
275
00:13:54,032 --> 00:13:55,088
There's no need...
276
00:13:55,088 --> 00:13:58,032
Please, I insist.
277
00:13:58,032 --> 00:14:00,096
Go on, press that button.
278
00:14:00,096 --> 00:14:04,088
No, not that one, the other one.
279
00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:08,064
It was working earlier.
Don't worry. I'm sure it's...
280
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:13,024
Here, give me the thing.
State of the art.
281
00:14:13,024 --> 00:14:15,040
The man in the car park promised me.
282
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,084
He said he unloaded it himself
off the boat from Taiwan.
283
00:14:26,072 --> 00:14:28,032
Come on, stupid thing!
284
00:14:31,084 --> 00:14:33,048
It's stuck.
285
00:14:35,068 --> 00:14:36,088
Must've broken it.
286
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:42,060
I'll fix it later.
287
00:14:50,096 --> 00:14:53,000
Gonnnng!
Dinner is served.
288
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,096
Ah, excellent!
289
00:14:57,028 --> 00:15:00,068
Well, the table looks nice.
290
00:15:00,068 --> 00:15:02,060
We always eat like this.
291
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:04,048
The china's nothing special.
292
00:15:04,048 --> 00:15:06,052
No, I can see that.
293
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,092
Ah, there you are!
294
00:15:09,092 --> 00:15:12,004
We wondered what had happened
to you!
295
00:15:14,024 --> 00:15:16,088
Was it toilet?
296
00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:20,060
You have to press flush a couple
of times for number two.
297
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,072
Dad, please!
298
00:15:23,072 --> 00:15:27,096
What? Mr Malik wants to be good
guest, sweetie.
299
00:15:27,096 --> 00:15:30,084
Leave everything as you find it,
heh na?
300
00:15:30,084 --> 00:15:34,036
Well, the starter is some fruit
and yoghurt,
301
00:15:34,036 --> 00:15:36,016
so you should be all right with that.
302
00:15:36,016 --> 00:15:37,076
Sorry.
303
00:15:37,076 --> 00:15:39,056
We're off dairy, too.
304
00:15:39,056 --> 00:15:42,048
Right.
Maybe I can wash the yoghurt off...
305
00:15:42,048 --> 00:15:45,056
Please, don't...
Oh, no, no. No bother.
306
00:15:45,056 --> 00:15:47,068
Really it's fine.
I insist.
307
00:15:47,068 --> 00:15:51,004
No!
PLATE SMASHES
308
00:15:51,004 --> 00:15:53,092
So sorry.
309
00:15:53,092 --> 00:15:57,028
At least it was only one of your
cheap plates.
310
00:15:57,028 --> 00:15:58,084
Cheap plates?!
311
00:16:01,068 --> 00:16:04,084
Isn't this fun, eh, smashing plates?
312
00:16:04,084 --> 00:16:06,080
All very Greek, isn't it?
313
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,008
A right Mrs Khanopolopolis, isn't
she?
314
00:16:10,068 --> 00:16:12,088
Why don't we have the games now?
What?
315
00:16:12,088 --> 00:16:15,024
It might help everyone to
relax a bit.
316
00:16:15,024 --> 00:16:17,012
Good idea.
317
00:16:17,012 --> 00:16:20,036
Come on, Mr Malik, let's go in there
and let our hair down.
318
00:16:24,008 --> 00:16:25,092
Right, how about charades?
319
00:16:25,092 --> 00:16:27,044
I hear it's someone's favourite.
320
00:16:27,044 --> 00:16:29,052
We hate charades, don't we?
321
00:16:29,052 --> 00:16:30,088
Yes.
322
00:16:30,088 --> 00:16:32,088
All right. How about this one?
323
00:16:32,088 --> 00:16:35,084
You've got photos of famous people
and you have to describe them
324
00:16:35,084 --> 00:16:37,076
without saying their name.
325
00:16:37,076 --> 00:16:40,052
I'll go with Mr Malik,
SPBA team, eh?
326
00:16:40,052 --> 00:16:42,008
We're BOUND to win.
327
00:16:42,008 --> 00:16:44,036
Right, we'll go first.
328
00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:46,000
Ready?
329
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,020
Yeah. Go!
330
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:51,048
OK, so, he's a Radio 2 presenter.
331
00:16:51,048 --> 00:16:52,092
Also on TV.
332
00:16:52,092 --> 00:16:57,016
He's also well-known for having
a really bad...
333
00:17:00,028 --> 00:17:01,064
A really bad...
334
00:17:01,064 --> 00:17:03,040
He has a w...
335
00:17:04,048 --> 00:17:05,096
Let's just skip this one.
336
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,008
Pass.
337
00:17:22,044 --> 00:17:24,024
Why don't we play something else?
338
00:17:24,024 --> 00:17:25,048
How about Monopoly?
339
00:17:25,048 --> 00:17:28,080
I'll be the car and
you can have the hat.
340
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,080
Can we talk about the wedding now?
341
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,056
We need to discuss the guest list.
342
00:17:32,056 --> 00:17:34,008
Yes, good.
343
00:17:34,008 --> 00:17:36,044
This is difficult.
I know.
344
00:17:36,044 --> 00:17:40,084
On the one hand, I have hundreds
of close friends to invite.
345
00:17:40,084 --> 00:17:43,080
But on the other, I don't want
your family
346
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,072
embarrassing me in front of them.
347
00:17:46,096 --> 00:17:49,016
Fine. We'll just have our guests.
348
00:17:49,016 --> 00:17:51,088
Please!
There's no need for any of this.
349
00:17:51,088 --> 00:17:53,096
We don't want some great big
Pakistani wedding.
350
00:17:53,096 --> 00:17:59,072
No, beti. Just a small do,
only 300 people.
351
00:17:59,072 --> 00:18:03,048
Well, I suppose if you're
trying to save money...
352
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:05,008
No! We don't want 300,
353
00:18:05,008 --> 00:18:08,028
or a big venue,
or any of the other rubbish.
354
00:18:08,028 --> 00:18:12,000
We just our immediate family
and a few of OUR close friends.
355
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,020
Oh.
356
00:18:13,020 --> 00:18:16,020
Just what I'd expect
from your Westernised daughter.
357
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:18,076
No. Amjad wants that, too.
358
00:18:18,076 --> 00:18:20,024
Don't you, budhoo?
359
00:18:21,024 --> 00:18:23,040
Well...
360
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,080
you know...
361
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,008
I'm easy.
362
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,076
What?!
363
00:18:28,076 --> 00:18:31,032
I suppose we shouldn't be surprised
by any of this.
364
00:18:31,032 --> 00:18:35,016
These people aren't from polite
society.
365
00:18:35,016 --> 00:18:36,076
How dare you!
366
00:18:36,076 --> 00:18:39,052
We're twice as polite as you,
you snooty old bag!
367
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:41,036
I've had enough of this!
368
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,028
I'll be in the car!
369
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,024
Well, that's just great!
370
00:18:47,024 --> 00:18:48,096
Beti, I'm so sorry!
371
00:18:48,096 --> 00:18:50,048
I knew this would happen.
372
00:18:50,048 --> 00:18:52,084
Oh, please, can't you go out
and talk to her?
373
00:18:52,084 --> 00:18:54,056
I'd rather not.
374
00:18:54,056 --> 00:18:57,016
She's hard to talk to
when she's angry.
375
00:18:57,016 --> 00:19:01,004
Right, this calls for tact
and diplomacy.
376
00:19:01,004 --> 00:19:04,048
I'll go. I know how to handle the
difficult womens.
377
00:19:09,004 --> 00:19:13,024
< Mrs Malik, why don't we go
inside?
378
00:19:13,024 --> 00:19:14,048
Mrs Malik!
379
00:19:24,012 --> 00:19:25,028
Biscoot, anyone?
380
00:19:25,028 --> 00:19:26,072
Biscoot?
381
00:19:26,072 --> 00:19:28,036
Haroun!
382
00:19:28,036 --> 00:19:29,080
Amjad!
383
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,024
We're leaving.
384
00:19:32,068 --> 00:19:34,096
Go on, then. Off you go.
385
00:19:34,096 --> 00:19:36,084
Thank you for a lovely evening.
386
00:19:36,084 --> 00:19:40,028
Wait! I thought we could talk
about the SPBA.
387
00:19:40,028 --> 00:19:42,004
I don't think this is the time.
388
00:19:42,004 --> 00:19:44,068
Look, I know Shazia's not a great
advert for this family...
389
00:19:44,068 --> 00:19:47,048
Dad!
But I got other daughter.
390
00:19:47,048 --> 00:19:49,092
Hm! The other one is out
all over town.
391
00:19:49,092 --> 00:19:52,024
How dare you.
Alia is a good girl.
392
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,080
Where is she, then?
Out partying?
393
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,016
No, actually, she's at the mosque.
394
00:19:57,016 --> 00:19:59,040
Actually, sweetie,
she's not at the mosque.
395
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:02,036
What?
She's at a party. Told you.
396
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:04,084
At a party at Mr Javed's house!
397
00:20:04,084 --> 00:20:07,012
Yes, that's right.
398
00:20:07,012 --> 00:20:11,020
Our daughter is at a party
at the house of the president
399
00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:13,072
of the Sparkhill Pakistani
Business Association!
400
00:20:13,072 --> 00:20:16,072
That's how respectable
this family is!
401
00:20:16,072 --> 00:20:20,064
RINGTONE: QUEEN'S BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
402
00:20:20,064 --> 00:20:23,008
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
403
00:20:23,008 --> 00:20:25,016
Yes. I see.
404
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:27,092
Yes. OK. Thank you.
405
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,048
That was the police -
406
00:20:31,048 --> 00:20:34,044
they've arrested Alia.
407
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,024
Where's my baby?
What have you done with her?
408
00:20:42,024 --> 00:20:44,072
Calm down, madam.
409
00:20:44,072 --> 00:20:46,080
Alia!
I've brought you some fruit!
410
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,028
This should be fun.
411
00:20:48,028 --> 00:20:50,012
What are you even doing here?
412
00:20:50,012 --> 00:20:51,084
I couldn't miss this.
413
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:53,024
Well, you can go now.
414
00:20:53,024 --> 00:20:56,052
I think I can take care of my own
daughter, thank you.
415
00:20:56,052 --> 00:20:59,072
Clearly, you can't
or she wouldn't be here.
416
00:20:59,072 --> 00:21:01,000
Right, that's it.
417
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,096
All right, ladies!
Keep your hair on!
418
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,056
No offence.
419
00:21:05,056 --> 00:21:07,032
Yes, sir?
420
00:21:07,032 --> 00:21:08,064
Salaam aleikum, officer.
421
00:21:08,064 --> 00:21:10,032
Mr Khan, community leader -
422
00:21:10,032 --> 00:21:13,040
K, H for Hat, A for Asian,
N for Knowledge - they all know me.
423
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,000
CLEARS THROAT NOISILY
424
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,044
How can I help?
425
00:21:16,044 --> 00:21:19,068
I believe you have my daughter,
Alia. That's right, sir.
426
00:21:19,068 --> 00:21:22,044
We're investigating charges of
criminal damage.
427
00:21:22,044 --> 00:21:23,092
Oh, my God!
428
00:21:23,092 --> 00:21:26,012
I knew it. She's a delinquent!
429
00:21:26,012 --> 00:21:27,096
Where is my daughter?!
430
00:21:27,096 --> 00:21:29,068
ALIA!
431
00:21:29,068 --> 00:21:32,068
She's in a holding cell
at the moment, madam.
432
00:21:32,068 --> 00:21:34,012
She is a jailbird!
433
00:21:35,068 --> 00:21:38,080
You see? This is what's wrong
with British justice.
434
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:42,044
My daughter, who is perfectly
innocent... Ha!
435
00:21:42,044 --> 00:21:44,056
...who's perfectly innocent,
436
00:21:44,056 --> 00:21:47,080
is rotting away in a cell,
437
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,040
while THAT man,
438
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,044
who's committed
God knows what crimes,
439
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,096
is allowed to sit there,
440
00:21:53,096 --> 00:21:55,056
bold as brass,
441
00:21:55,056 --> 00:21:57,064
drinking coffee!
442
00:21:57,064 --> 00:21:59,096
That's DI Taylor, sir.
443
00:22:01,088 --> 00:22:04,020
He's going to interview
your daughter.
444
00:22:07,052 --> 00:22:10,024
Now, I'm sure there's been
a misunderstanding.
445
00:22:10,024 --> 00:22:12,076
Alia would never do anything
like this. She's a good girl.
446
00:22:12,076 --> 00:22:15,012
I just need to ask Alia a few
questions.
447
00:22:15,012 --> 00:22:16,044
Just tell the truth, Alia.
448
00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:19,044
We always tell the truth - it's one
of the five pillars of Islam.
449
00:22:19,044 --> 00:22:21,024
I don't think it is, Papaji.
450
00:22:21,024 --> 00:22:23,080
Chup! Do you want to get
out of here or not?
451
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,020
Now, I just want you to tell me,
452
00:22:26,020 --> 00:22:28,084
in your own words, what happened.
453
00:22:28,084 --> 00:22:30,056
Well, we were at this party,
454
00:22:30,056 --> 00:22:32,096
and all these other people turned
up, who none of us knew -
455
00:22:32,096 --> 00:22:36,016
like hundreds of them, and just
started being really random
456
00:22:36,016 --> 00:22:37,076
and smashing things up, and that.
457
00:22:37,076 --> 00:22:41,024
So you're saying a lot
of undesirable types turned up
458
00:22:41,024 --> 00:22:42,056
and they did the damage?
459
00:22:42,056 --> 00:22:44,000
Yeah.
460
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,032
But you weren't one of the
undesirables, were you?
461
00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:47,056
No, Papaji.
462
00:22:47,056 --> 00:22:50,048
I've never been one of
the undesirables.
463
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,044
I've only ever been desirable.
464
00:22:56,092 --> 00:22:58,036
Yes.
465
00:23:00,012 --> 00:23:02,020
But, you see, when we arrived,
466
00:23:02,020 --> 00:23:04,048
you were one of several people
still on the premises,
467
00:23:04,048 --> 00:23:07,068
surrounded by thousands of pounds'
worth of criminal damage.
468
00:23:07,068 --> 00:23:09,048
To the jelly and ice cream?
469
00:23:09,048 --> 00:23:11,048
We were trying to clear up!
470
00:23:11,048 --> 00:23:13,024
There you go! Come on, beti.
471
00:23:13,024 --> 00:23:17,024
I'm sorry, sir, but we haven't established your
daughter's role in the events of this evening.
472
00:23:17,024 --> 00:23:18,040
What?
473
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,012
My daughter is innocent!
474
00:23:20,012 --> 00:23:22,004
Innocent, I tell you!
475
00:23:22,004 --> 00:23:26,044
I cannot watch this country's proud
record of justice-for-all
476
00:23:26,044 --> 00:23:28,048
be trampled through the mud!
477
00:23:28,048 --> 00:23:31,032
What would our great forbears think?
478
00:23:31,032 --> 00:23:34,068
The men and women who have fought
hard
479
00:23:34,068 --> 00:23:37,096
to make our British legal system
the envy of the world!
480
00:23:39,028 --> 00:23:41,080
And don't forget Habeas Corpus!
481
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:45,004
What would SHE say about it, hm?!
482
00:23:46,068 --> 00:23:50,008
Think of the all the great British
Bobbies from our past,
483
00:23:50,008 --> 00:23:51,056
looking down on you now -
484
00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:54,076
Bobby Moore, Bobby Charlton,
485
00:23:54,076 --> 00:23:57,000
Bobby Davro.
486
00:23:58,048 --> 00:24:00,028
Don't let them down!
487
00:24:00,028 --> 00:24:03,040
Don't let this great country of ours
down.
488
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,080
Look into your heart...
489
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,032
...and let my daughter walk free!
490
00:24:08,032 --> 00:24:11,016
CLEARS THROAT NOISILY
491
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:12,088
Right.
492
00:24:12,088 --> 00:24:16,028
Well, her story does tally
with the statements
493
00:24:16,028 --> 00:24:17,092
we have from the others.
494
00:24:17,092 --> 00:24:19,072
Allah hu Akbar!
495
00:24:19,072 --> 00:24:22,008
I'm like Khan-pole of the Bailey.
496
00:24:22,008 --> 00:24:24,016
Come on, beti.
497
00:24:24,016 --> 00:24:27,024
There is still the question of how
they all knew about the party.
498
00:24:27,024 --> 00:24:28,036
What do you mean?
499
00:24:28,036 --> 00:24:32,000
It seems the details were
posted on social media,
500
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,012
freely available to anyone.
501
00:24:34,012 --> 00:24:36,084
We take that kind of thing very
seriously these days.
502
00:24:36,084 --> 00:24:38,092
But it wasn't me.
503
00:24:38,092 --> 00:24:42,064
We've traced the IP address
to a computer in your house.
504
00:24:44,048 --> 00:24:47,060
The details were posted at 7.30
this evening. A-ha!
505
00:24:47,060 --> 00:24:49,024
Well, there I have you!
506
00:24:49,024 --> 00:24:51,040
Alia had left the house by then
507
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,036
and I was the only one using
the computer.
508
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,072
I see.
And what do you use it for?
509
00:24:59,072 --> 00:25:02,080
Hotmails, Yahoos,
510
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,084
Face... books...
511
00:25:06,056 --> 00:25:12,060
It was also mentioned
in the mosque newsletter.
512
00:25:12,060 --> 00:25:14,016
Oh, twaddi...!
513
00:25:18,004 --> 00:25:19,052
Good news, madam,
514
00:25:19,052 --> 00:25:21,084
your daughter is free to go.
515
00:25:21,084 --> 00:25:23,084
Oh, thank you, thank you!
516
00:25:23,084 --> 00:25:26,056
Now we can all go home!
517
00:25:26,056 --> 00:25:27,080
Er, not quite.
518
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,044
What do you mean?
519
00:25:29,044 --> 00:25:32,020
Unfortunately, your husband is going
to have to stay and help us
520
00:25:32,020 --> 00:25:34,016
with some further enquiries.
521
00:25:34,016 --> 00:25:37,020
Come on, Amjad. We don't want
anything more to do with them.
522
00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:38,068
How dare you!
523
00:25:38,068 --> 00:25:41,052
If you want to know how the
daughter will turn out,
524
00:25:41,052 --> 00:25:42,096
look at the parents!
525
00:25:44,004 --> 00:25:45,080
Are you going to say something?
526
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,000
I wasn't planning to.
527
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:54,036
Look... I'm sorry
I ruined the evening.
528
00:25:54,036 --> 00:25:57,012
I was just trying to impress you
to get into SPBA.
529
00:25:58,064 --> 00:26:01,080
You mustn't judge Shazia
by the mistakes of her father.
530
00:26:03,036 --> 00:26:04,076
Shazia is a lovely girl...
531
00:26:05,092 --> 00:26:07,060
...better than we deserve...
532
00:26:08,088 --> 00:26:11,072
...and Amjad would be very lucky
to have her.
533
00:26:11,072 --> 00:26:13,048
No, thank you.
534
00:26:13,048 --> 00:26:16,008
Amjad, are you coming?
535
00:26:19,020 --> 00:26:20,080
No.
536
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,048
I want to stay.
537
00:26:24,048 --> 00:26:26,048
I love you, ladoo.
538
00:26:28,092 --> 00:26:33,020
This is your last chance to save
yourself from this family, Amjad.
539
00:26:33,020 --> 00:26:35,080
Look at them.
540
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,008
They're just not right.
541
00:26:40,048 --> 00:26:41,072
I know.
542
00:26:43,096 --> 00:26:46,008
But they're my family now
543
00:26:46,008 --> 00:26:49,008
and we do things together!
544
00:26:49,008 --> 00:26:51,000
How could you do this to me?!
545
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,048
HE SCREAMS
546
00:26:52,048 --> 00:26:54,092
Madam, that's assaulting
a police officer!
547
00:26:54,092 --> 00:26:57,008
He's a community support officer!
548
00:26:57,008 --> 00:26:59,080
It is one step up from
a lollypop lady!
549
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,088
All right, that's enough.
550
00:27:01,088 --> 00:27:04,064
That is definitely
assaulting a police officer.
551
00:27:04,064 --> 00:27:07,024
You're under arrest!
Ow!
552
00:27:09,004 --> 00:27:11,016
Don't you think you should help?
553
00:27:11,016 --> 00:27:14,068
No, I think those two should
be able to manage.
554
00:27:14,068 --> 00:27:15,084
Oh-ho-ho, toupee!
555
00:27:15,084 --> 00:27:17,072
I mean, touchee!
556
00:27:23,004 --> 00:27:26,068
I can't believe they're keeping
Mrs Malik in overnight.
557
00:27:26,068 --> 00:27:28,032
I know.
558
00:27:28,032 --> 00:27:30,016
Good, eh?
559
00:27:30,092 --> 00:27:33,000
We nearly had to stay with her.
560
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,004
Lucky you could help the police
find the source
561
00:27:35,004 --> 00:27:37,016
of all those stolen remote
control chairs.
562
00:27:37,016 --> 00:27:39,004
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
563
00:27:40,036 --> 00:27:44,036
You know, we Khans don't have to
put on these airs and graces.
564
00:27:44,036 --> 00:27:48,092
We just respect each other
and treat everyone equally...
565
00:27:48,092 --> 00:27:51,012
it's the British way.
566
00:28:01,072 --> 00:28:04,012
Dinner is served.
567
00:28:06,020 --> 00:28:09,052
Keithwalla, have the rest of
the night off...
568
00:28:09,052 --> 00:28:12,084
after you've cleaned the little
present Mr Malik left in the toilet.
569
00:28:14,088 --> 00:28:16,044
Bon appetitty!
570
00:28:16,094 --> 00:28:20,644
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