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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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Community leader.
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00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,800
They all know me...
You like my suit?
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Number one - Citizen Khan.
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MR KHAN SNORES LOUDLY
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You're snoring!
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HE SNORES EVEN LOUDER
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SNORING CONTINUES
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Ugh! Agh!
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HE RESUMES SNORING
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You look smart, Papaji.
Doing something special?
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Very special.
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I'm going to the mobile men's
health clinic at the mosque. What?
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They're doing the testing
for heart disease.
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It's very common with us Pakistanis.
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Did you know, we're in
the top three groups most affected?
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Top three! Good, eh?
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Is something wrong with you?
19
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No, it's not for me.
I'm fit as a fiddler.
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They're testing the young peoples,
so I'm taking future son-in-law.
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Has Amjad got a heart problem?
No, unfortunately not.
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This way, I get my picture
in the papers. Imagine -
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your father, Mr Khan, on the
front page of the Sparkhill Echo.
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Headline could be,
"Community leader leads community."
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I don't get it.
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This project is
very high-profile, beti.
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Lots of press coverage.
We've got famous Asian
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Member of Parliament coming
down to support it. Oh, which one?
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There's only one famous Asian MP,
darling.
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Keith Vaz? No, the other one.
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You know, I'm doing
this for the whole family.
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Imagine what your classmates
will say when you tell them.
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Yeah, soon I won't be just Alia Khan,
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I'll be Alia Khan, daughter of
a man who is a friend of an MP.
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Exactly!
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I'm so proud of you, Papaji.
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Wow.
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You're like the son
your mother never gave me.
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Thanks.
So, can I have some money?
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Of course!
41
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Alia, get some normal clothes on.
We're going shopping.
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Great, where are we going?
TJ's Baby Warehouse.
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It's the biggest outlet store
in the West Midlands.
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What we going there for?
To buy baby clothes. What?!
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We're going to buy baby clothes.
Exciting, isn't it?
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Exciting?!
It's a bloody miracle!
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Not for me, you idiot.
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For Sharmine down the road -
she's due next week.
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00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,780
And I might pick up
a few things myself.
50
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,780
What? You're not married.
51
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,780
It's impossible for
you to have children!
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For when we ARE married.
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We'll be having children then.
God willing.
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And God help us!
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I love babies.
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I love them so much.
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I really, really love them.
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I love their tiny little hands
and their tiny little feet
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and their chubby little cheeks!
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Oh!
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She's off again.
No-one loves babies as much as I do.
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And Amjad is such
a healthy young man.
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He'll have no trouble
producing lots of babies
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when the time comes, eh?
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I'll do my best.
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Well, you can drive us.
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No! I need Amjad to come
with me to the mosque.
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Why? Because it's good
for us to spend time together.
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You're always saying I don't spend
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enough quality time with
him, and you're right.
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He's going to be
a part of this family, after all.
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We are not losing a daughter,
we're gaining a son.
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And we're going to do the
father-and-son bonding stuff,
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just me and him.
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Aaach...
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Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.
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Thanks, Dad.
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00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,780
All right, don't
get carried away, eh?
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Ok, fine. But just meet us outside
the baby shop at one o'clock.
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And take care
of our little baby machine!
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Oh, God!
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Oh, God.
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Ok...
84
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Coming through!
Excuse me. Thank you.
85
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Yes, and of course I'm delighted
to be showing my support
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for such a fantastic project.
87
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,780
I'm also very delighted
to be supporting this project.
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Even more so delighted.
Sorry, and you are?
89
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,800
Mr Khan. Community leader.
They all know me.
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00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,780
Tony Abbas, er,
Member of Parliament.
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I know who you are. I'm MP, too.
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00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,780
Oh, really? Yes.
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Muslim Pakistani.
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Right. Well, it's, erm, lovely,
we've had such a strong turnout.
95
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Isn't it? You know,
I'm always saying
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the National Health Service
is one of our greatest achievements.
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00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,780
Did you know there are more
Pakistani doctors here now
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than in the whole of Karachi?
That's progress, eh?
99
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,780
Really? I-I didn't know that.
100
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,780
Oh, yes. Pakistani
doctors do it all -
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neurologist,
cardiologist, gynaecologist -
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we've got our fingers
in lots of pies.
103
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:06,780
Right.
104
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,780
What about the photos?
When are we going to do them?
105
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,780
Oh, erm, maybe later.
106
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,780
It's just I have a
meeting in the mosque.
107
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,780
Ok. Well, maybe we
can have a private chat,
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00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,780
get a bit of quality time, huh?
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Me and you have got a lot in common.
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All right, see you later!
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Ok, who's next, please?
112
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Reporting for duty.
Salaam alaikum.
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Ready for testing.
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We've just been speaking
to the Member of Parliament.
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We're going to get our photos
taken for the papers later.
116
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Great. We just need to fill
out some paperwork first.
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Of course. So, name...
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Amjad Malik. A-M-J...
119
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Wait. What is it?
120
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That's my name.
121
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Yes, because you're
the one having the tests.
122
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,780
Oh. But what about you?
123
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,780
Amjad, this isn't about me.
124
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,780
You're the important one.
125
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:01,780
But I don't think
I need a health check, sir.
126
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,780
You're joining the
Khan family now, son.
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00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:05,780
Very healthy men in our family.
128
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,780
Imran Khan, Amir Khan.
129
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,780
Chaka Khan.
130
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,780
It is a 15-year project, so you
will have to agree to be tested
131
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,780
for all that time. Yes, he does,
don't you? Put yes. Hold on.
132
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Date of birth?
8.12.89. And sex?
133
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I suppose. Eventually.
134
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,780
Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.
135
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,780
Hello, Dave.
What the hell are you doing here?
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I thought I'd come along
and help out.
137
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,780
Well, keep your hands off the MP,
I've already bagsied him.
138
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,780
Actually, Mr Khan, heart disease is a
real issue in the Asian community.
139
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,780
We need to do everything
we can to fight it. Yes.
140
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,780
I don't know
whether you've noticed, Dave,
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but you're not part of
the Asian community.
142
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Look at me. Face brown, hair black.
That's an Asian.
143
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Look at you. Face white,
hair ginger. That's a ginger.
144
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,780
I see only human beings, Mr Khan,
I'm completely colour-blind.
145
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,780
Well, you'd have to be,
to put up with that hair.
146
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Well done, Amjad.
You're doing a good thing here.
147
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You know, heart disease is
the number one cause of death
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00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,780
amongst middle-aged Pakistani men.
149
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,780
Is it? Oh, yes.
It's your genes, apparently.
150
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,780
What about you lot, do you get it?
It's not as bad for us.
151
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,780
Well, I suppose there has
to be some advantages, eh?
152
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,780
How can they tell
if I've got heart disease?
153
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,780
They give you a cholesterol test,
that's one of the markers.
154
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,780
But they'll also tell you the heart
attack symptoms to look out for -
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shortness of breath, dizziness,
sharp pain down the left side.
156
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All right, keep it light. We don't
want to frighten him, do we?
157
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Two of my cousins had it.
158
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They found out because they
had the high cholesterol.
159
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See? What happened to them?
160
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,780
They all died.
161
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What? Yep. Just like that.
162
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One minute, walking
around eating salad.
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Next minute, gone.
164
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What about you, have you got it?
No. I keep in good shape.
165
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:44,780
Ok, Mr Malik.
166
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Amjad? Amjad!
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Amjad! Amjad!
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Are you in here?
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I know you're in here.
170
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,780
Come on, out!
171
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It won't take long.
172
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It'll be over in a jiffy.
173
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,780
Are you afraid? Is that it?
174
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Don't be afraid. It'll be all right.
175
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I'll be with you the whole time.
176
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Open the bloody door!
177
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I want to get my picture
in the paper!
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Oh, God...
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WATER SPLASHES
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Ohhh!
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Now look what you've made me do!
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It won't hurt.
183
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I can hold your hand if you like.
184
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Oh, hello. Fancy meeting you here.
185
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Go away!
186
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I can't. I'm stuck.
187
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:11,780
Hello, sir.
188
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:15,780
Amjad, don't just stand there.
Help me!
189
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,780
The lock's jammed.
Well, climb over, you idiot!
190
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,780
That's dangerous!
Amjad!
191
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,780
I dragged myself 10,000 miles
to this country.
192
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,800
And you can't even climb over
a toilet cubicle?!
193
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,780
Oh, no!
194
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,800
What is it? Shazia!!
195
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,780
Oooh!
196
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,780
HE INHALES SHARPLY
197
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,780
Ay-ee!
198
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,780
Ooh!
199
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,780
I think...
I think I heard something go pop.
200
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,780
Well, just try to hold onto it
all until we see the doctor.
201
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,780
What if I can't have children?
What am I going to tell Shazia?
202
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,780
Nothing. There's no
problem, it's all fine.
203
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,780
I've already been worried about it,
to be honest.
204
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,780
My cousin's been trying for ages
to have children.
205
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,800
I think infertility might run
in the family.
206
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,780
And I've had the mumps.
You know what that means.
207
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:15,780
No...
208
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,780
Well, you get really hot,
and then they start to swell up.
209
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,800
What? You know!
210
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,800
Mine were the size of pomegranates.
211
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,780
They're better now.
212
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,780
Pomegranates are great.
213
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,780
The rind stops you getting the runs.
214
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:39,800
That's true, but I find the seeds
always get stuck in your teeth.
215
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,780
I'll just explain what happened and
see if I can get us an appointment.
216
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:47,780
Hang on, Dave, I'll deal with this.
217
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,780
We don't want the world and his
auntie knowing our private business.
218
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,780
Next, please.
Hello, yes, we are next.
219
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,780
Name? Mr Khan.
220
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:57,800
K, H for hat, A for Asian,
N for knowledge.
221
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,780
You don't have an appointment today.
222
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,780
No. But we need to see
the doctor urgently
223
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,780
on a bit of a...
delicate matter
224
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:10,780
What's it regarding?
I just told you, a delicate matter.
225
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,780
Can you be more specific?
226
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,780
No.
227
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,780
They do need to have
some idea, Mr Khan.
228
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,780
Dave, I don't know
if I've ever mentioned this -
229
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,780
but I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
230
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:22,780
They all know me.
231
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,780
If this gets out,
and Mrs Khan hears about it,
232
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:28,780
I'll need mine sewing back on,
never mind Amjad's!
233
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,780
Honestly, Mr Khan, it's fine.
This is a doctor's surgery,
234
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,780
they have very strict privacy rules.
235
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,780
Anything you say in here will be
treated with the utmost confidence.
236
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,780
Brilliant!
237
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,780
Right, Ok...
238
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,780
It's a bit of an urgent matter
239
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,780
concerning the general region
of the dingly-danglies.
240
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,780
I see.
And is the appointment for yourself?
241
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,780
HIGH-PITCHED: Of course not!
242
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,120
Do I look like I've got a problem
with my dingly-danglies?!
243
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,780
No!
244
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,780
I'm as fit as a halal butcher's
dog, don't worry about me.
245
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,780
It's for him.
246
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,780
Salaam alaikum.
247
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:06,780
Right. Well, the first available
appointment is next Monday at 10.
248
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,780
Well, that's no good.
We need to see someone now.
249
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,780
I'm sorry, we're fully booked.
But it's an emergency.
250
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:13,780
Look at him, he's beside himself.
251
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,780
If he doesn't see a doctor today,
anything could happen.
252
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,800
I might do something stupid.
253
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,780
If you could let us see a doctor,
we would be very grateful.
254
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,780
Ok, fine, I'll see what I can do.
255
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:25,780
There you are, very good.
256
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,780
And make sure
it's with a Pakistani doctor, eh?
257
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,780
We don't want one of those
dodgy foreign ones, you know.
258
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,780
Dr Patel could squeeze you in.
259
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,800
Patel? He's a bloody Indian!
260
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,780
Dr Patel is an excellent doctor.
261
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,780
No bloody way!
262
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,780
Who else have you got?
263
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,780
Dr Gupta? Indian.
264
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,780
Dr Prakash. Indian!
265
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,780
Dr Man?
Oh, he sounds Ok, what's he like?
266
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,780
That's him over there.
267
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,800
No, thank you!
268
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,780
Well, that just leaves Dr Lowry.
And is Dr Lowry...?
269
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,780
Dr Lowry is white.
Right, that'll do.
270
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,780
Right, well, take a seat
and wait to be called.
271
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:09,800
Thank you.
272
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,800
As-salaam alaikum.
273
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,780
SHE COUGHS
274
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,800
Oh, cor blimey!
275
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,800
HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY
276
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,800
Oi!
277
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,780
All right?
What are you in for?
278
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,780
Picking up free paracetamols?
279
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,800
NHS is great, eh?
280
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,800
Oh, free transport as well!
281
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,920
I don't think they've got
a cure for gingeritis, mate.
282
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,800
Hey! Do you know Dave?
283
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,780
Cheer up. It's not that bad.
284
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,780
Yes. I suppose there's lots of
couples who don't have children,
285
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,780
and they're happy, aren't they?
Most of them.
286
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,780
Look, Amjad.
287
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:50,780
Who knows what the future holds?
288
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,780
We're all in God's hands,
289
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,780
and the important thing is
that you and Shazia love each other.
290
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,780
And together,
you can get through anything.
291
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,780
And anyway, you've got another one.
292
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,780
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE
293
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,780
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
294
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,780
Oh, hello, sweetie, darling.
295
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,780
Are you having a nice time?
296
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,780
Haan, we're ready. Come and get us.
297
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,780
Tell him to hurry up.
I can't wait to show these to Amjad.
298
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:23,780
Sweetie, maybe don't buy any
baby clothes just yet, eh?
299
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,780
Too late.
300
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,780
Ok, just hold on to the receipts,
huh?
301
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:30,780
You never know, they may decide
302
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,780
not to have children
for...some reason.
303
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,780
'What are you talking about?
Where are you?'
304
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,780
The doctor's.
The doctor's?
305
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,780
Has something happened to Amjad?
'It's fine!'
306
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,780
It's nothing to worry about.
307
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,780
It's all right, Mrs Khan,
I've got another one.
308
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,800
Shut up!
309
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,780
Mr Khan, the doctor's ready for you.
310
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,780
Yes, I know, sweetie. But...
311
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:53,780
HE GARGLES
I'm losing you.
312
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,780
I've got no signal.
I can't hear you.
313
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,780
HE IMITATES INTERFERENCE
Ok, bye!
314
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,780
I'm really worried, sir.
315
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,780
Amjad, it will be fine.
You'll see the doctor,
316
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,780
he'll be very understanding,
he'll check you out
317
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,780
and he'll tell you
everything's tickety-boo.
318
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,780
Right. What can I do for you?
319
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,780
I'm sorry, my dear,
we're here to see Dr Lowry.
320
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,780
I'm Dr Lowry.
321
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,780
Crikey.
322
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,800
She's a woman.
323
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,780
I can see that.
324
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,780
Would you prefer to see
a male doctor?
325
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,780
Yes. No! But, sir...
326
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,780
Chillax, Amjad.
327
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:32,780
We need to get this sorted.
328
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,780
So she's a woman, so what?
329
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:39,800
Womens are perfectly able at being
almost as good doctors as mens.
330
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,780
There's no reason to be embarrassed.
331
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,800
So, what seems to be the problem?
332
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,800
Amjad?
I... The...
333
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,780
He's getting married, you see. And
he wants to have lots of children.
334
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,780
And at first,
well, he had the mumps.
335
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,780
And then his, er... swelled right up.
336
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,800
They were the size of pomegranates.
337
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,780
They're better now.
338
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,780
And then he sat on one of them.
It was an accident.
339
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,780
I see.
So, what do you think?
340
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,780
Well, I think we should have
a little look.
341
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,780
Why don't you go behind the screen
and pop your trousers off? What?
342
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:19,800
Hang on a minute!
343
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:24,780
Is that strictly necessary?
Well, I will need to examine him.
344
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,780
Well, can't you tell from there?
345
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,780
Not really.
346
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,780
Don't worry,
I have examined lots of men before.
347
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,800
I'm sure you have.
348
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:38,780
But we are Pakistani.
We are different.
349
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,780
I don't think you are.
350
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,780
This is cultural, you see.
351
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,780
As a Pakistani Muslim man,
I cannot be seen naked by any woman.
352
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,780
Oh, really? What about your wife?
353
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,800
I'm working on that one.
354
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,780
Well, in that case, I'm afraid
I'm going to have to ask you
355
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,780
to book an appointment
to see one of my male colleagues.
356
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,780
Ok. No! We need to know now.
357
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,780
Well, in that case,
I will have to examine his testicles.
358
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,800
Mrs Dr Lowry!
359
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,780
He's not even married yet.
360
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:08,960
I don't know what to suggest.
361
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,780
Right. I'll do it.
362
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:13,780
What? What?!
363
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:17,780
Yes. It's fine, just get behind
the screen and I'll check for you.
364
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,780
I'm not really comfortable, sir.
Just think of something else.
365
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,780
Like what? I don't know, anything.
366
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,800
Shazia! Absolutely not!
367
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,780
Right, come on. Undo your...
368
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,800
Ok. Oh, God.
369
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,800
Right. Here goes.
370
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,780
Is there any sign of
contusion or bleeding?
371
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:45,780
No. Any swelling or any
other abnormalities?
372
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,780
No. Are you sure?
373
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:49,780
No. Why not?
374
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,800
I've got my eyes shut!
375
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,780
Just lightly palpate each one.
376
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:01,780
What?!
377
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,780
Just gently feel them
to see if they're tender.
378
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,780
You're joking?
379
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:06,780
No, it's important.
380
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,780
Right.
381
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:09,800
Ok.
382
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:15,780
Oh, my God!
383
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,780
It's terrible!
384
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,800
They're completely flattened!
385
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,800
That's my wallet. Oh, yes.
386
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,780
Please be careful, sir.
387
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,800
Shut up, Amjad!
388
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,780
Swing low
389
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,800
Sweet chariot
390
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,780
Coming for to carry me home...
391
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:44,780
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
392
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,800
Hello, Amjad's phone?
393
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,800
Oh, hello, Mrs Malik.
It's your mother...
394
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,780
Yes, we are in the doctor's.
395
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,800
No, I've got my hands
full at the moment.
396
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,780
Look, this really isn't working,
I do need to see this for myself.
397
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,780
Right, I'm going to go, Mrs Malik.
Goodbye.
398
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,780
Why don't I just come back
there and have a look? No!
399
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,780
Hang on.
I've got an idea.
400
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:11,780
Right.
401
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,780
Hold still.
402
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,800
CAMERAPHONE SHUTTER CLICKS
403
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,800
There you go.
404
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,780
Everything all right?
405
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,780
It all looks normal. See? I told you.
406
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,780
Are you sure?
Can I still have children?
407
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,780
Well, you will need a proper
medical exam. Of course,
408
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,780
the only way to be really sure
is for us to get a sample
409
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,780
and then test the output.
Right, now you've gone too far!
410
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,780
I think we can leave Amjad
to do that on his own.
411
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:43,780
Thank God.
412
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,780
There you go. And don't worry,
you don't have to fill it.
413
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,780
SHE CHUCKLES
414
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,800
Ha-ha! Fill it!
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Fill it!
415
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:53,780
I get it.
416
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,780
Oh, God. What's going on?
417
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:57,780
Hello, darling.
418
00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,780
What's happened to Amjad?
Nothing.
419
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:00,780
So what's he doing here then?
420
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,780
Something came up when we were
doing the bonding. Is it serious?
421
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:05,780
They just need to investigate.
422
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,780
Investigate what?
Well, you know, this and that.
423
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:12,780
This will be absolutely fine, but
that might need a bit of attention.
424
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,780
What are you talking about?
Right. Ok.
425
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,780
You know in the cricket,
426
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,780
and you have balls,
427
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,780
and sometimes you have fast balls,
428
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,780
slow balls, white balls,
429
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:25,780
red balls,
430
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,780
and even wide balls?
431
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,800
Well, sometimes you can
end up with... no ball.
432
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:39,800
And if it's a no-ball, it's no good
because it won't count. Do you see?
433
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,780
So, his testicle has been repaired?
434
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,780
Oh, my God!
435
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,780
Amjad! No!
436
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,780
Get out of the way.
No, you can't go in there.
437
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,780
Why not? He needs my help.
438
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,800
I don't think so.
439
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,780
AMJAD MOANS
440
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,780
Oh, my God.
441
00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:00,800
He's in pain!
442
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,800
I can't get the lid off.
443
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,780
What happened to you?
444
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,780
Mr Khan took me to the mobile
clinic to get a health survey.
445
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,780
You see?
And then he was trying to
446
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,780
crawl under the toilet cubicle
with a Member of Parliament. Eh?!
447
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,780
And then I hurt my down-belows
trying to get him out.
448
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:19,780
Hai, hai!
449
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,780
And now I have to give a sample
to see if I can still have children.
450
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,780
Hai, hai, hai!
Hai, hai, hai!
451
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,780
Oh, my God, Amjad!
452
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,780
What have you done to my baby?
453
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,780
What have you done to him?
Ow, stop it!
454
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,780
I've never been so embarrassed in
my life. Can we go home, please?
455
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,780
Ok, but I need to fill my pot first.
456
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:38,780
Amjad!
457
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,780
Dad! How could you let this happen?
458
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,780
The shame of it,
how could you do this to us?
459
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,780
If you've damaged him,
I'll never forgive you.
460
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,780
Ow, my arm!
Don't try and change the subject!
461
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,780
This is all your fault!
It is not my fault!
462
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:54,780
Hang on, I think
there's something really wrong.
463
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,780
Shortness of breath?
Rushing sound in the ears?
464
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,780
Stabbing pains down your left
side? Oh, my goodness!
465
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:00,780
What is it? Heart attack!
466
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,780
We did it in biology and that.
467
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,780
What?! Oh, my God,
somebody do something!
468
00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:05,780
What about Amjad?
469
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,780
Forget about Amjad.
Call an ambulance!
470
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,780
My husband is having a heart attack.
Are you there, my darling?
471
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,780
Oh, I'm here.
472
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,780
I'm sorry about Amjad's testicles.
473
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,780
Don't speak now, save your strength.
474
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:22,780
The ambulance will be here
very soon, just try and rest, Ok?
475
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,780
My family is here.
476
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,780
That's all I need.
477
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:31,780
My beautiful wife,
my wonderful daughter, Alia...
478
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,800
and Shazia, you're here, too.
479
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,780
Alia, reach into my pocket.
480
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,780
You'll find a piece of paper there.
481
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,780
I always carry it
with me, just in case.
482
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,780
It has some things
written down on there.
483
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:48,780
No! Dad, stop it.
484
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,800
It's a list of the best
pound shops in Birmingham.
485
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:59,800
Alia, take it, with my blessing.
486
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:04,780
I see a dark tunnel!
487
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,780
I can see a light at the end of it!
488
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,780
Go towards the light!
489
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,780
No, no! Don't go towards the light.
490
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,780
Oh, yes -
don't go towards the light.
491
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,780
Quickly, everybody
get out of the way.
492
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,780
He's having a heart attack,
please help him.
493
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,780
Mind his legs, pick up his legs!
494
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,780
Do it properly! There we go.
495
00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,800
Point me towards Mecca!
496
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,780
Mind my hat!
497
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,780
I can't meet God without my hat.
498
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,780
You see, my darling, the best
health service in the world.
499
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,780
Only in Britain can you get this.
500
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:41,800
I'm proud to be dying
on NHS premises.
501
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:44,780
I don't think he has
had a heart attack.
502
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,780
What?! Well, his pulse is very
strong and his breathing is normal.
503
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:49,780
What are you talking about?
I'm in agony!
504
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,780
Come on, give me the paddles!
505
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:53,780
There's really no need.
506
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,780
What about the shortness of breath,
the rushing sound in his ear?
507
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:57,780
It's probably just a panic attack.
508
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,780
But the stabbing pain in his left
side, that's a heart attack.
509
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,780
He does seem to have some bruising
along the left side of his chest.
510
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,780
How could that have happened?
511
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,780
Well, I don't know, do I?
512
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,780
What?!
I mean, how should I know?
513
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,780
It's got nothing to do
with me. Ok.
514
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,780
Has he had a fall
or a collision of some kind,
515
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,800
have you been aware
of anything like that?
516
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,800
I've been poking you in the ribs
with a cricket bat every night.
517
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,780
What?! Why?
518
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:29,780
To stop you snoring!
519
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:31,780
Rubbish. I don't snore.
520
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,780
You keep the whole house awake!
521
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,780
It's like lying next
to a freight train.
522
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,780
So, you're saying...
523
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:40,780
Your husband is absolutely fine.
524
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,780
What the hell is wrong with you?
525
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,800
THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER
526
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,800
ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
527
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,800
Ah! Aaaaaargh!
528
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:15,780
I'm glad Amjad's Ok.
529
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,780
Oh, me too.
530
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:20,780
They'll make good parents, I think.
Don't you?
531
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,780
Haan. And we'll make
good grandparents.
532
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:26,780
Won't it be wonderful?
533
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:28,780
You and me, sitting on our patio,
534
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,780
with little Shazias and Amjads
playing around our feet.
535
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:33,780
Yes.
536
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,800
Wonderful.
537
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,780
Lucky for them you're still
in the land of the living.
538
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:41,780
And lucky for me, too.
539
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,800
Hmm?
540
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:48,800
Good night.
Good night, sweetie.
541
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,800
HE SNORES
542
00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,800
HE SNORTS AND SNORES LOUDLY
543
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:11,800
Agh!
544
00:28:11,850 --> 00:28:16,400
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