All language subtitles for Citizen Khan s01e06.eng

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.
The capital of British Pakistan.

HE SPEAKS URDU

They all know me. Like my suit.

Number one, Citizen Khan.

I thought Dad was going to turn the
heating on for a couple of hours?

He did. When?
1998.

Come on, get ready.
We got to go to mosque.

Oh, what? Why do we have to come?

To pray, of course.
And I want you to meet the new

President of The Sparkhill Pakistani
Business Association, Mr Javed.

I want him to see what a nice,
normal Muslim family we are.

You see,
your mother's all ready to go.

No, I'm not. I'm freezing.
Why is it so cold in here?

Cold? It's not cold.
You're wearing your long johns.

How do you know?
I can see them.

Please, Dad, turn the heating on.

I'm not cold, Papaji.

I love this girl.
I tell you, proper Muslim daughter.

Wearing hijab not only preserves her
modesty, keeps her bloody ears warm!

Just turn it on.

No! I pay the bills
and I say it stays off.

Fine, then I'll do it myself!

Very well,
I'll allow it just this once.

Since it is special day.

Why is it special?
Today is wedding anniversary.

I forgot it's your anniversary!

Congratulations, sir!
How long have you been married?

24 years.

Wow!

Yes. Silver one next year.

Right. How long is that?

25 years.

Amazing. That is ages.

It's a real achievement, not many
people could survive 25 years.

Thank you, Shazia.
I was talking about Mum.

You should take her away, somewhere
romantic, like The Caribbean,

or The Maldives...
..or Pakistan.

Did you know Pakistan
is now the 112th most popular tourist destination in Asia?

Good, huh?!

What about tonight?
Are you doing anything?

Yes. Course he's not.
I just said, "yes."

I said I got something planned,
OK? Very special evening.

Just don't spoil the surprise.

I can't do this,
someone give me a hand.

I'll do it. I'll ask your mother.

Sweetie, can you help me?

Oh, no, what a shame.

What is? From the Guptas.
They can't come to Shazia's wedding.

Oh, well.
They don't even give a reason.

Indians, you see, no manners.

Now, come on,
we'll be late for mosque.

But now there'll be an empty table.

Good, less people sponging off me.

This wedding's already costing me
a fortune.

But we've already agreed
the numbers with the caterers.

We'll have to invite someone else.

Oh, if we're inviting extra people,

I'd like some
more of my friends to come.

No, no, no!

We can't go on feeding
every Tom, Dick and Mohammed.

Who do you think I am?
Sir Bob bleeding Geldof!

Matt and Debbie from work
would love to come.

No, no, no bloody way.

This is Pakistani wedding,

Matt and Debbie
don't sound very Pakistani to me!

Please don't tell me you're refusing
to have white people at our wedding!

Bob Geldof only feeds brown people.
Everybody knows that!

No, if we have to have someone,

we'll invite Mr Javed
and his family.

But I don't even know him!

We don't want to make our Nikah
in front of complete strangers.

This wedding's not all about you,
you know.

Mr Javed is a very important man.

You can't use my wedding to
suck up to your business mates.

Why not? Might as well get
something good out of it.

I know. We'll invite the Parvezes.
Who?

Sameena Parvez?
One of my oldest friends?

Used to live next door to us
before they moved to Woking?

Had a little boy, Imran,
used to play with Shazia...

The one with the funny eye?

That's him.
You can send the invitation today.

But sweetie,
I want to invite Mr Javed.

I have to have
Sameena at the wedding.

We were like sisters.

You don't like your sister.
Cousins, then.

No, look, I'm the man of the house,
I'm paying for this wedding.

I should get to invite who I want.

Here, you'll need to buy a stamp.

No, I won't.
I'll send it from the mosque.

Chalo.

Come on, old disabled lady.

See, every time
I go into this, it just freezes.

Oh, yeah.

Have you tried to
turn it off and on again?

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

Waleikum Asalaam, boys.

Asalaam Alaikum. Hello, Dave.

Come for prayers?

Yes, of course,
but I'm also here to see the new president of the SPBA,

Mr Javed -
I want to make a good impression.

Do you know anything about him?

Like what?

Does he like cricket?
What's his star sign?

Does he have a serious
medical condition?

These are things to know
to have a business edge.

Dunno. Dave?

I'm a bit busy at the moment,
Mr Khan...

What's the problem?
The computer's not working.

Oooh, calm down Dave.

This is the problem with you,
gingers, very little patience.

It's this new spreadsheet programme.

I thought I might streamline
the mosque's booking system,

but it keeps crashing.

Maybe it has a virus.

Like my uncle.
He caught it from a goat.

Not like that,
they were just good friends.

Right, come on, get out of the way,
let me take a look.

Right.

So, every time I open up
the spreadsheet thingy,

it starts out OK and then the whole
lot just seems to freeze

and nothing seems to...

work. And...

What are you doing?

Googling Mr Javed.

I don't see how that's
going to solve the problem.

I didn't say
I could solve the problem.

You know this computer
should really only

be used for mosque
business, Mr Khan.

Well, I go to the mosque,
and this is my business.

Good one.
That's not what I meant.

And I need you to post this
for me too. What is it?

Wedding invitation.

Mrs Khan has suddenly remembered
another "best friend."

The Parvez family? Yes,
they used to live next door to us.

Had the boy with the funny eye?

That's it.
There's no stamp on it.

So? Again, it's not really mosque
business, is it, Mr Khan?

You know, Dave,
all this penny pinching,

it's a very unattractive trait.

Mr Javed! Oh, Mr Javed.

Asalaam Alaikum.
Waleikum Asalaam.

Waleikum Asalaam.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Not at all. I'm all yours!

Actually, it's Dave
I wanted to speak to.

Got some post. SPBA business.

Of course, Mr Javed.
No stamps, I'm afraid.

Not a problem.

Mr Javed, sir. Yes?

I wanted to invite you
to my daughter's wedding.

Erm...

Yes, you and the family.

I've got an invitation right here.

I was going to put it in the post,
but now that you're here...

Erm, thank you.
We'd be delighted.

Really? Brilliant!

THEY SPEAK IN URDU

Let me get the door.

Goodbye. What a man.

I thought that invitation
was for the man

with the cross eyed children.

Mr Javed is a very important man.

It'll be a great honour to have him
at my daughter's wedding.

Do you think Mrs Khan
will see it that way?

Of course. But don't tell her.

Why not?

Dave, what you have to understand
is that in Pakistani marriage,

husband is in charge.

He's the boss
and he can do whatever he wants.

But sometimes it's best not to tell
the wife what he has done

because she would never understand
and only worry and fuss

and make him
sleep on the downstairs sofa.

This is prayers, show some respect.

If you think about it,

anybody could just come in and take
them, couldn't they? I suppose.

So I thought, if I keep hold of one,
then that's not going to happen!

Amjad... Nobody's going to
steal one, are they?

They're going to want both - you
can't really use one on its own.

Amjad. Yes, sir?

Give it to me.

Lucky I put my name in them!

Everyone will know they're mine.

Unless there's
somebody else called Amjad.

Oh, no!

Did you post the Parvezes'
invitation?

You know, I've never realised
just how big this place is...

Hello? The invitation?

Still shouldn't be surprised -

Islam is the fastest growing
religion in the world.

Do you know Tesco
now serves halal meat?

"Every little helps!" Hey na'?

Did you post it or didn't you?

I said I'd post it and I posted it.
OK, done, enough.

Oh, my God.

OH, MY GOD.

She's just getting ready for
prayers, limbering up!

Very religious woman!

I don't believe it.
How could you do this?

My own husband lying to me and in
the House of God of all places!

The shame of it!

What, it's only an invitation.
We never see the Parvezes anyway...

I asked you to do one thing....

All right, all right,
if you must know,

there's a reason why I didn't
send out the Parvez's invitation.

Reason? What reason?

I wasn't going to tell you this,
but you remember their son,

Imran, was his name?

With the funny eye, huh.

Well, he had a thing for Shazia.

Thing? Like naughtiness?

Not naughtiness. He liked her.

So?

So, what if he never got over her?
Did you think of that?

What if we invited them to the
wedding and he caused a huge scene?

Standing up in the middle
of the ceremony,

"Oh, Shazia, I still love you!

"Don't marry Amjad, he's an idiot.

"Come away with me,
I can get my eye fixed,

"it's amazing what
they can do these days".

That would be awful.
Exactly.

Thank God you didn't post
that invitation.

You see? You think I don't know
what I'm doing, but I do.

Mrs Khan, head for thinking,
feet for dancing.

Move along now.

Mr Javed! Psst!

Psst!

Oi, Javed!

Everything all right?
Never been better, Amjad!

Did you get into trouble
with Mrs Khan?

I'm never in trouble with Mrs Khan.

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE

Hello, Mr Khan speaking!
Hello, Mrs Khan!

You saw me earlier darling,

yes, but I'm just about to
start praying.

I know but...

Yes, I know but...

It's not my fault that Shazia

did the naughtiness with
Imran Parvez, is it?

OK, sweetie, OK, OK,
Bye. Goodbye.

Oh, my God, Shazia!

Amjad! People are praying.
Try not to make a scene.

Oh, my God! Shazia!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Careful Amjad, it's a mosque,
he can hear you.

How could she do this to me? How?!

Amjad, you're over-reacting,
it's no big deal.

But Imran Parvez!
I told him everything.

How much I liked Shazia,

how I wished she would notice me
and all the time they were...

doing it!

Don't torture yourself. Trust me,
there's really no need.

And he's got a funny eye!

All right, he's got
a terrible squint.

He probably just winked at her
a few times by accident.

These things happen all the time
to squinty peoples.

That's it then, it's all over.

What's all over?

We can't get married now, can we?

What? Of course you can.

But Shazia's got somebody else.

She hasn't got somebody else.
But what about..?

He's not her boyfriend, you need to
just forget about Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

Tell me honestly.
Did anything happen between them?

Of course not.

You would say that, you're her dad.
I'm going to see Shazia!

Tell her we're finished.

Amjad, that's not a good idea.
You're too upset.

I'll phone her then.

Amjad, you need to calm down first.

She won't want to speak to you
when you're like this.

Amjad!

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, what's going on in here?

People are trying to pray
out there, you know.

Do you mind? This is private.

It is MY office.

Dave, we are Muslims.
This is a mosque.

It's not about "my this" or
"my that," it's open to everyone.

Now get out.

Shazia's cheated on me!
What?!

He thinks that Shazia had a thing
with another boy...

Ah. Oh.

I keep telling him
it's not true about Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

OK. What you have to remember,

Amjad, is that these days,
this sort of thing is not uncommon.

Lots of young people experiment
a bit before they get married.

But it's forbidden.

Yeah, sure,
technically it's forbidden.

But doing things
that some deem inappropriate

doesn't make you a bad person.

Certainly before I found the faith,
I had a few "liaisons" myself!

I find that hard to believe.

And I'm sure Mr Khan did too.

What? How dare you!

Mind you, there was that time
at my Uncle's wedding

with the girl
that was handing out samosas.

The Rawalpindi Express,
we used to call her.

You see. We've all done it.

I haven't.

And neither has Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

I'm going to kill myself!
And then him!

Let's not do anything hasty.

Mr Javed!

My life is over!

All right, Amjad?
How about a nice cup of tea?

Well, it looks like you've
got this all under control.

Just don't mention Imran Parvez.

IMRAN PARVEZ!

Mr Javed.

Mr Javed was very flattered to
be invited to Shazia's wedding.

You see, Beti, this is the secret
of business relationships,

being relaxed in
each other's company.

Is that why you've
taken out your safety pin?

Where's Shazia? Upstairs, why?

Everyone's talking about her

and Imran Parvez,
it's all over Sparkhill!

What are you talking about?

Mrs Ramiz told Mrs Shafiq,
who told Mrs Jalil -

apparently it
came out of the mosque.

You know, I've got a very special
evening planned for you later.

I'm sure you're going to like it.

Maybe there's more to this Imran
Parvez business then we thought.

There's no smoke without fire.

Rubbish.
It's just a schoolboy crush.

He used to help her
with her homework. You see, perfectly innocent.

Up in her room. Yes.

English, Maths... Biology.

Oh, my God. You don't think...
What?

You know we were down here
and they were up there,

and we thought they were...

when all the time
they were actually...

What? Of course, that's why
they had to move away so suddenly.

Sameena said it was
because of Rafiq's work,

but I knew there was more to it.

Hold on a minute...

But now I think about it, he did
have a strange look about him.

You know that funny eye...

Let's not get carried away.
You're as bad as Amjad.

Amjad knows? Yes.

How? Um...

DOORBELL
Alia, see who it is.

I don't want to miss anything.
Fine.

How did Amjad take it?

Very well.

But what if he tells Mrs Malik?

She'll call off the wedding
like that!

Chillax, sweetie!
He's not going to tell Mrs Malik.

I've dealt with it,
it's all under control.

Who was that? It's Mrs Malik.

No! Did you let her in?
You just said see who it is.

Go out and stall her!

But I can't. Why not?

Coz I've lost my safety pin!

Mrs Malik, what a lovely surprise!

Mr Khan, I must speak with you
and Mrs Khan

as a matter of some urgency!

Well, that could be
a bit tricky, you see,

we're just about to have dinner.

I'd ask you to join us,
but I don't think there's enough.

Especially for someone
with your healthy appetite, eh?

Mr Khan...

Goodbye Mrs Malik.

You're shutting the door on my foot.

Well, you'd better get it
out of the way, then! Hey.

I need to talk about
Amjad and Shazia...

Well, why don't you
come into the living room.

I have to tell you that I've heard
some things about Shazia

that have disturbed me greatly.

Have you seen this
article in the Herald?

Interesting piece on drop kerbs
and off-street parking on the Ivor Road.

Mr Khan!
I'm listening.

These rumours are most alarming
and now Amjad has gone missing.

He's not missing.
You know where he is? No.

He hasn't replied to my calls, and
Amjad always replies to my calls.

I'm worried that he might have
done something stupid.

If he's heard what
people are saying about Shazia!

Oh, right.

Well? What have you got to say?

I'll just get Mrs Khan.

Well?

She wants to talk to you. That's it!
She wants to call off the wedding.

Maybe she just wants to borrow
some chapatti flour?

Do you know what it means to have
a daughter who has been with

other boys before she's married?

She'll be ruined! She'll be shunned!

We'll all be finished here,
finished, over, dead and buried!

We got other daughter.

What's going on?

Nothing, Beti,
I'm just full of happiness

because it's our anniversary.

Oh, my God, don't let her suffer.

Please, God, don't let her suffer!

Good job it's only once a year.

What are you talking about?
Someone tell me what's going on? We know about you and Imran Parvez!

What?

Your mother thinks that you
and Imran Parvez, you know...

No, I don't know.

You know. The thing.

What thing?

The thing! The thing!

You mean sex?

Shhh!

You think that me
and Imran Parvez...?

Sis, that is rank.

Hey, did his eye follow
you round the room?

DOORBELL

Oh, now what?!

All right, all right!
Keep your bloody hair on.

Mr Javed. Mr Khan.

Can I come in?

Of course.

I wanted to thank you
and Mrs Khan personally

for the invitation
to your daughter's wedding.

There's really no need.

Is Mrs Khan here?

Why don't we
go into the living room?

Ah, actually, why don't
we go into the dining room?

Have you seen this carpet?

It comes with a very thick underlay.

DOORBELL

Oh! Now what?

Hello, Dave. Hello, sir.

Amjad.

I decided not to kill myself.

Oh, good.

I persuaded Amjad that violence
is no solution.

The way to settle any dispute is
to engage in a dialogue.

Jaw, jaw, not war, war.

You know,
you're wasted in Sparkhill, Dave.

You should work at the bloody UN.

Which is why I decided to bring
the two sides together.

This is Imran Parvez's Uncle.

I thought it might be.

Asalaam Alaikum. Waleikum Asalaam.

The Parvez's are a little bit
upset about the suggestion

that their son and your daughter,

you know? However, I have managed
to persuade them

that's it better to get everything
out in the open.

You gingers think of everything,
don't you?

And what are you doing here?

We just want to watch.

I've got the Sparkhill Women's
Day Group coffee morning

next Tuesday.
How am I supposed to...

Maybe if you spent more time
listening to your daughter instead of your mates...

Who was that?

Just Dave,
Amjad and Imran Parvez's uncle.

Oh, my God.

Why is this happening to me?

Because you and Imran-wonky-eye
were up in your room

doing biology practicals.

But we weren't. I keep telling you.

That's not what we've heard.

From who?!
Where's all this come from?

What kind of an idiot would
start a rumour like that?

A very nice idiot,
who loves you very much?

Dad!

But it's OK, Beti,
I didn't believe it for a moment.

Because you made it all up.

Oh, yes.

You made it up!

Haan. Why?

Well, I was going to invite
the Parvez's, like you wanted,

but then I bumped into
Mr Javed, you see, and...

Are you telling me
that you invented

an imaginary love affair
for your own daughter

just so you could invite
some business contact,

who we don't even know,
to her wedding?

Let's not get bogged down with
who said what to who.

The good news is, I was lying.

Yes, and now you're
going to tell the truth.

You are going to go in there
and tell everyone what you've done,

and clear Shazia's name and then
I'll be able to show my face

at the Sparkhill Womens' Day Group
Coffee Morning next Tuesday.

But... Go. OK.

Oh what,
so I didn't snog Imran Parvez

so now there's no scandal,
and everything's OK again?

Is that it? Erm...
Yes! Yes!

What if I did go out
with Imran Parvez?

What if I went out with Imran Parvez
and then I moved on to his brothers?

Oh right, because of his funny eye?

What if I went out
with half of Sparkhill?

Would that matter to you?

Which half are we talking about?

That's not the point! Don't you see?

My body is my own,
it doesn't belong to anyone else,

I can do what I want with it.

It shouldn't matter to Amjad
what I've done in the past,

and it shouldn't matter
to you either.

She's right.

Is she?

Of course, we're her parents, we
should support her, no matter what.

I'm so sorry, Beti!

I don't deserve to have
such a wonderful daughter.

Aw, Mum.

You're so smart, and pretty, and
kind, and I'm a silly old woman,

and a terrible mother and...

Mum, you're not a terrible mother.

Don't interrupt her, sweetie.

Where's Mr Javed?

He had to go to his SPBA meeting.

Mrs Khan, I think
we need to talk.

I think we do.

Shazia!

Be quiet, Amjad. Leave this to me.

Hey, maybe we should just let the
kids sort this out for themselves?

Or not. Please, Mrs Malik...

It's all right, Shazia,
I'll deal with this.

Mrs Malik, I don't care what went
on between Shazia and Imran Parvez.

So, you admit it? No!

Please, Beti.

In fact, I don't care if she's
been with half of Birmingham...

Dad, that's not what... Don't worry,
darling, I know what I'm doing.

So, my daughter has had other
relationships. You know what?

That's absolutely fine with me.

Now he tells us.

What you have to remember,
Mrs Malik,

is that this is the modern world,
21st century.

Women are as independent as men.

I believe women should
make their own decisions.

They are in charge
of their own lives

and they can do whatever they want.

I see. Then I say, this wedding
will never take place.

OK.
But what does Mr Malik say about it?

We're leaving. Come on, Amjad.

No! I don't care what she's done!

I still love you, Shazia!

Amjad!

I don't care how
many men she's been with!

As long as it's not more than ten!

Amjad! OK, Five then!

Oh, budoo!

Oh, ladoo!

So, are there any other boys?

Of course not.

I said this family would be
trouble from the start,

but nobody ever listens to me.

Mum, shut up!

Tu menu shut up, kehna.

I don't think conflict's
going to resolve anything!

Are there any nibbles?

Fish and Chips?

Anniversary supper.

Oh.

Remember? Like we had on our
first wedding anniversary.

Of course.
From Bert and Tina's downstairs.

You went back there.

Their daughter runs it now.

Oh...

And look...

Pickled eggs! Your favourite.

You know, when we were young we used
to dream about growing old together.

And now you are old...

..so your dreams have come true.

Happy anniversary.

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