All language subtitles for Catastrophe s03e02.eng

I think, with your experience,
you'll get something no problem.

- Also you're a handsome fella.
- Thank you.

Oh, no, I'm not coming on to you.

I'm just saying it's easier to place
attractive people in advertising.

Like, last week, we had this
guy in and he'd a great CV,

tonnes of experience, but
he also had an eye patch...

(HE SNIGGERS)... like the pirate kind.

Nowadays, you're not even allowed
to ask, "What happened to your eye?"

- but you want to know.
- Oh, totally, I'd be curious.

Like was he pulling clothes out
of the drier and he pulled too hard

and his hand slipped and he
punched himself in the eye

- while he was holding his keys?
- Maybe.

And them, the other thing is,
what's behind the eye patch now,

like is it just a gaping... ?

Anyway, legally, you can't
not hire somebody like that,

but at the same time,
you're not going to hire 'em.

Right.

Er... so, where have you
been the last three years?

- Have you been on holiday?
- (THEY LAUGH)

Er, no, um, I worked at Braeband...

Ah!... the pharmaceutical company,
but, um, it's a bit delicate.

Oh. Well, let's hear it.

OK, um, a woman who worked there
made a complaint against me,

sexual harassment, but it's not true.

I mean, it's very untrue.

Right. And look, when a woman makes
a complaint of sexual harassment,

99% of the time, it's based on reality.

I know that, you know that.

- It's important to believe women...
- Mm-hm.

..because, sometimes, people
unfairly side with the man,

you know, and why would
anyone side with the man?

I'll tell you why, OK!

Because, sometimes, the man
is me and it didn't happen,

so, procedurally, I'm very glad that
they heard her side of the story,

but the other side of the
coin is that she's a liar

and I didn't do it.

Oh, you speak French.

That's cool.

This programme contains strong language.

This is nice, isn't it?

This has gotta be one of the
perks of being unemployed, right?

Doing this together? when
was the last time we did this?

How'd your interview go?

I don't know, I don't know how it went.

- It's going to take a while, isn't it?
- Yeah.

| just hope a while
means eight to ten days

and not we all die of scurvy
cos we can't afford citrus.

We're not going to die from
scurvy, cos I'm going back to work.

I'm quite looking
forward to it, actually.

It'll be nice to be around kids
who don't want to sit on my lap

- when I take a piss.
- What about our kids?

- What's the plan there?
- What's the plan there?!

The plan is what we said the plan is
- you'll do it.

Yes, I'll do it, if you
don't want me to get a job.

We're going to have
to get someone to help.

What about Anna? She's great.

She's not great. She's a pulse
and she knows our kids' names,

- One of our kids' names.
- Oh, come on!

What? You don't have to defend
her just cos she has big jugs.

Does she have big jugs?!

(SHE LAUGHS)

Look, it's just
drop-offs and pick-ups,

do your interviews in between,
and then, when you get a job,

we'll make a better plan. We
just need to get organised.

I agree, I just don't think we
should be bigoted against someone

just because they have big jugs.

OK, Mandela. Hey!

- Hi.
- Hi! Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Cross-eyed
Christian Fitness Mam.

Don't worry, you'll get
to know them all soon.

- Do you like that wine?
- Yeah, it's lovely.

It's a Sauvignon Blanc, but
not as you know it. It's a 2013.

- It's proper nice wine, that.
- Right.

I mean, you can tell me how
much it costs, if you like.

?18.50.

- You're very generous.
- Thanks. You're a sneery arsehole.

(SHE LAUGHS)

So, your folks are
already back in Ireland?

Yeah. They didn't settle
here, to be honest.

Ah! I mean, they gave
it a good half an hour.

I don't think he'd admit
it, but I think the area

was just too black for Dad. I
mean not like, "Get off my lawn!"

but he'd roll up his car window

any time a gentleman
of colour walked by.

Or a black guy.

- Or anyone in a burka.
- Turban?

No, doesn't really mind those lads.

So, we wanted to see youse,
cos we have some news.

- We're moving to Spain.
- What?

Why?

Well, Mallandra wants to spend
some time with her parents.

I mean, they're super
old. What age is your mum?

66.

- 66?!
- Mm-hm.

Jesus, I thought... I thought it was...

Anyway... Anyway, it's
give-and-take, isn't it?

- Wait, she's really only 66?
- Mm-hm.

(FERGAL SIGHS)

What are you going to do there?

Mmm? Oh, I can make money
anywhere, I just need a laptop.

(SHARON LAUGHS) That'll
be your new life now -

trying to get a line with a modem.

(SHE IMITATES AN OLD MODEM)

Beep-bop! Beep, bop, bop, bop!

- What the fuck is that?
- Spanish internet.

We have Wi-Fi in Spain.

(SHE SCOFFS) No, you don't.

Anyway, it's going to
be sunny and brilliant.

The house we've got
there, or nearly got there,

you should see the place,

it's like a Spanish
palace. It says it's nice,

but you wouldn't take a shit
in it if it wasn't Spain.

- What did you think about all that?
- I think good for him

and I'll see him in three
months when they move back here.

(SHE GROANS) I feel a bit jealous.

Why? You'd hate living in Spain.

You know, there's more
British people there

than there are here, and,
PS, they all voted leave.

You're talking about the Costa del Sol.

They're not moving to
shitty British people Spain,

they are moving to real Spanish
people Spain, which is lovely.

Well, neither of us could get work.

I don't think you can learn a
new language once you're over 40.

We'd starve to death.

(SHE LAUGHS)

Aw! Shall I put Frankie
back into his own bed?

I like hearing his little snores.

Aw!

I was just, er...

I was just thinking that
maybe we should have some sex.

Goddamn it!

What?

I just jerked off.

What?!

- Why?
- Well, you and I haven't really been...

Where?

- In the basement.
- In the basement?

Oh, well, that makes me feel shit.

You know everyone noticed at dinner?

Noticed what?

Noticed that we're not
getting on the same.

They didn't notice.

Well, Mallandra asked me what was wrong.

- Did you tell her?
- Tell her what?

- That you fondled a student penis.
- Can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

When are you going to
start liking me again.

I like you.

Well, you're acting like you
don't. You're acting like...

Honey! Your response when I told
you I flirted with someone at work...

- Come on, it wasn't about the... ?
- was to kick me out of my home, OK?

You had the female response,

which was to go nuclear and
try to destroy our family.

I'm having the masculine response,

which is to bury the pain

and jerk off in the basement
rather than touch you.

I can't keep saying sorry.

If I could cut off the hand
that did the, you know, I would.

Well, I would endorse that
if you having fewer hands

wouldn't fuck up my life
and make it more difficult.

(SHE SNORTS)

The ancient Egyptians made medicines...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)... out
of extraordinary things.

Caster oil... OK, back in a second.

What's up?

- Mr Humphreys died yesterday.
- What?

Just found out.

No way.

Oh, no. Poor fucker.

- Yeah.
- Oh, what was it?

No! What?!

Oh, my God!

(SHE GASPS) You know he
asked me out one time,

for coffee, when I first
started here. I said no.

I don't think that's why he did it.

- No, of course not, I wasn't saying...
- Because he was gay.

Oh, right! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know that.

- You ready to boogie?
- Yeah.

Let's do this.

So how'd you get here?
Did you take a, um...

..not a rectangle, not a
carriage but the newer...

Red, you know, the thing that
we do now to travel and you pay.

- A bus?
- Yes.

Yeah, they said that's
going to happen for a while.

Oh, wow!

- So, what's this place like?
- Yeah, you know,

it's your average in-patient
chemical dependency unit for men.

- How are you?
- I've been better.

Um, I found out while we
were taking our little break,

Sharon managed to jerk off a young boy.

- No!
- Yeah.

22, 23 max.

Dude, that's terrible!

Yeah, it is, er, and I
still don't have a job.

I've had some interviews, but
actually, I was going to ask you

if you'd any contacts
you could hook me up with?

Sure! Sure, I could...

Hm.

- What?
- What?

Oh, fuck, man!

I mean, there is nothing
happening up here!

I don't know what I was going to say.

- OK.
- Don't worry, it's going to get better.

It's just cos I was
dead for a little while.

(DAN SIGHS)

Imagine how hard a
22-year-old boner must feel.

Terrible news about Mr Humphreys.

Oh, my God, it's terrible. It's...

- I wonder if he...
- He was very troubled,

as you know.

- Yeah, but he always seemed...
- Bi-polar. The silent killer.

Except when he was manic, then
he would make quite the racket.

(SHE LAUGHS) Well,
yeah, but I don't think

- you can say...
- At any rate, we are keen to find someone,

temporarily at least, to take the
role of head of upper juniors.

- Right.
- just while we find out where we are.

Right, right.

- Oh, me?
- Yes.

Oh, um...

- OK. Right, um...
- Yes?

- Um...
- You'd need time to think it through?

- Is it going to be more money?
- Yes, not a big difference, but...

It would be an honour.

Are you Frankie's dad?

- Ah, Yeah.
- I was expecting to speak to...

Doesn't your Irish wife usually pick up?

She's my only wife.

I'm Wolf's mum Polly.

- Woof?
- Wolf.

OK.

Just very quickly, because
I have to pick my mother up

from Liverpool Street and take
her to her hair appointment.

Right.

And it's a bit embarrassing,
but very quickly,

I'm afraid your Frankie
bit my Wolf on Friday.

Really? Frankie?

Yes. Bit him twice on
his arm, left a mark.

I'm sorry. Which one's Wolf?

Green jumper.

(WILF ROARS)

- Oh, wow he's a big fella.
- He's very gentle.

Anyway, I don't want
to involve the school.

No, I don't see why that'd be necessary.

Well, hopefully not.

Oh, there's my keys... Hello!

"What the fuck?"

Maybe Frankie in self-defence
as a last resort bit him

or, you know, maybe he sat on Frankie

and Frankie bit him, just so he knew
he was there. Well, you know what?

She's probably biting
her own son. (HE LAUGHS)

She got a load of attention
when her baby was massive

and now he's just a
massive four-year-old,

so it's less interesting,
so she starts biting him.

Ask her for photographic proof.

- You ask her.
- I don't have her number.

- I'm not asking her.
- What did, er, say when you asked him?

(ROB SIGHS) He said he didn't do it,

- but he's a liar.
- Oh, come here!

I got a promotion today,
because somebody died.

Oh, no! But that's great.

Yeah! I know! I'm really flattered.

I have to organise the memorial
for him, so that'll be a bit...

But you know, still.

- Right on. Er, is it good money?
- Yeah!

Yeah, it's great in teacher money.
In real money, no, it's shit.

Isn't that inspiring?
I just started back

and my career's basically on fire.

A couple of years from now, I
could be Secretary of Education.

- How was your interview?
- Oh, it sucked. My new thing is I sweat,

like rolling cascades
of sweat down my body.

Eugh!

Why?

Because the school run
is like a contact sport

and they're so filthy
that, after I get home,

I have to take a shower
and, after I take a shower,

I sweat for at least
2? hours, you know that,

and I don't have a reference from
Braeband, so that's making me sweat.

Well, just try and relax
a little bit, you know.

Maybe use it as an opportunity
to make a little joke.

Like make a joke about their air
conditioning. If they hire you,

- they could afford air conditioning.
- Yeah, I'll try that.

And you know what? (SHE
WHISPERS): Fuck Braeband!

Tell them you've been a stay-at-home
dad for the last three years.

I'd like to see any of them try that.

You're a hero. I mean, you're
not, but they don't know that.

For the last three years, I've
been fathering domestically,

which is to say I've
been a stay-at-home dad.

I'm lucky enough to have a wife
who's made that career possible.

Oh, what does your wife do?

My wife?

Oh, she, um...

you know, on planes...
You know the air vents?

Like the nozzles that
blow cooling air onto you?

My wife did a redesign of those

and patented it and sold
it to Boeing and Airbus.

And a Chinese planes company.

You missed a button on your shirt.

Oh! No, I didn't, my, er... my
son tore it off this morning.

- Do you have a safety pin?
- No.

If you hire me, you'll do so well,
you could afford air conditioning.

Oh, you have it? OK.

I'm so hot.

I was wondering if I should get the
kids to write a little thing about

Mr Humphries for the memorial.

That'd be moving, wouldn't it?

I just wrote a little something
and I just moved myself.

Well, people don't really care

when someone in the
corporate world dies...

I mean, I just want to do
something that's just, you know,

the same old...

Like, I want to honour him and I
want the kids to know that it's OK

to be messed by all this and also,
and this is third down the list,

but also, let them know that
there's a new sheriff in town...

..of upper juniors.

That book must be fascinating.

What are you reading?

Pinochet's autobiography? Christ!

It's not an autobiography,
it's a biography.

What would his autobiography say?

I'm amazing. Nothing's wrong.

I'm planting flowers.

- Yeah, I guess.
- What are you reading?

I'm reading The Sun Also Rises.

It's a proper book.

You've been reading that since
we met. Are you memorising it?

Because, you know, if you going
to be secretary of education,

you want to try ready more
than one book every four years.

Well, that's mean.

Oh, by the way,

I told your air conditioning joke today

and I looked like a fucking idiot!

So, thanks for that.

Well, you probably told it wrong!

You don't tell an interviewer
you're stay at home dad.

I mean, that's fine to say a garden
party or in Sweden, but not here.

- OK?
- OK. But.

Over here, men work in real
jobs, do you understand?

Er, hang on a sec.

Um, so I spoke to Frankie and
he said he didn't do it, so...

And anyway, I think it might
be a case of, you know...

That is the world that we are
trying to get you a job in.

I'm sorry, I don't think it's good
enough just to say he didn't do it.

- Can I just finish this call? And...
- Wolf's lost a lot of confidence over

All right, first interviews
are about, can I work with you?

Are you a prick?

He wet the bed last night for
the first time since last week.

Look. I would like to settle this...

And I'd like for my son
to be able to attend school

without fear of being disfigured.

Is there a piece of your son missing?

Did my son bite a piece
of flesh out of your son?

- No...
- I don't have a job right now.

OK? I am unemployed and as a result,

my family might not have a home soon.

OK? So I have priorities.

Well, my son is my priority.

Just tell me what you want me to
do! Do you want to bite my son?

Would that help? Do
you want me to bite him?

Hey! Wolf!

Do you want to bite Frankie?

Just tell me what you want me to do!

- Rob?
- What?

We just got an interview
for you at Berkley Capital.

They'd like to see you this afternoon.

Wow! Really?

Well, that's great.
Well, that's wonderful.

Did you hear that?

Derek Humphries was a beloved teacher.

He loved music and he loved jokes

he enjoyed having fun.

We all remember the time he printed
permission slips for the Easter

Field trip on the wrong-sized
paper and passed them out anyway!

Ms Norris and year five have prepared
a musical tribute to his memory.

Ms Norris, I'll let you
introduce the performance.

Hi... Ooh!

Sorry, bit nervous.

Hi. Yeah, so, I just
wanted to say that...

Well, we all loved Mr Humphries.

I'm sure some of you are troubled
by the fact that he took his own...

Erm... What he did.

Um, and,

I don't think I'll be do my job as
head of upper juniors if I didn't

say that if any of you are
thinking of... doing something

like he did, then, you know, don't.

Er, my door's always open...

Um, I mean that.

It's hard. It's hard being a kid.

I know that. Um...

I've had tough times in my
life, from about 22 to about...

Yeah, maybe 34.

I had tough times.

I had acne in adulthood.

A lot of times people tell you

you wrap all that up
in your teenage years.

It's not true for
everyone. So, er, yeah!

Year five are going to perform a
song we wrote about Mr Humphries,

so, er, up.

They rehearsed very hard, so if any
of you feel like, you know, dancing,

or swaying, then just go right ahead.

No dancing.

OK.

(THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY)

Let's just start again
because Kira started, er...

OK.

(THEY SING AND PLAY TUNELESSLY)

Well, I grew Fry & Lowe up from nothing

to a $100 million a year firm,

thanks mainly to securing
a 360 deal with Jeff's cola.

Right, right.

You know, I haven't been in
the field for a while, but,

I've got a thick-assed book of
contacts, Niramax, P&G, Glaxo, Elron...

Right. Pharmaceutical firms.

Is that for your time at Braeband?

Er...

- Well...
- Didn't you do a stint at Braeband?

Yeah. But it's not on my CV, so how...

Susie my assistant used to work
there. She recognised your name.

Shady place.

I've never known folk
to leave it off their CV.

Well, the reason for that...

It doesn't really matter. What is
concerning me right now is that you

smell of alcohol.

I met a friend for lunch
and I had a beer, but...

You had a beer? A beer?

Mate, it if you had a beer, then
I had lunch with Princess Diana.

You had lunch with who? Princess Diana!

I'm sorry, it's just very
difficult to understand you.

You don't have to understand me,
because you won't be working here.

Well, good

because I don't want to work at
your Scottish whistle factory.

I'm Welsh, you idiot!

Whoohoo! Newsflash!

I know. I said that to upset you.

What is upsetting to me is
you're still sitting here.

Well, get ready to be
excited, because I'm leaving.

You should take a good,
long look at yourself, mate.

And you should take a long listen
to yourself and I think you'd like

what you hear, because
your accent is adorable.

- I've got to go.
- Oh, don't let me stop you.

I shan't! You're a cutie pie.

Have a fantastic day.

I don't know why it sounded like that.

I think, you know, Kira started out
of time and the rest followed her

because she's so, you know, developed.

I mean, tall.

Thank you for the
performance, Ms Norris,

although I didn't see why you
needed to mention that he was gay.

You can't whitewash history.

I think reference to a teacher's
sexuality, gay or straight,

is inappropriate for primary level.

Really? Well, why don't you
do the next memorial then?

- I'd be happy to.
- Great!

Great. Well, I hope you
don't do my memorial,

because I'm not ashamed of my sexuality

and I'd want it all out there!

No talking!

How long do you think it would
take you to get a head teacher job?

I'm never going to
get a head teacher job.

You should have seen my assembly today.

It was a car crash.

- Did anyone film it?
- What?

Jesus, I fucking hope not.

Hey. How would you feel about
putting the house on the market

and getting a smaller place?

Oh... Um... Well...

I mean, why have the pressure
of this monster mortgage?

Yeah, but, you're going
to get something, right?

And is always Braeband.

I mean, you could always... I mean...

Honey, I don't want to work for
those kind of people any more.

It's too stressful.

I want to be alive in 20 years.
I want to meet our grandchildren.

Yeah, we all want that, but
you got to strike a balance.

Of course, I don't want
you to die too young,

but you can't have a stress-free
job, because who the fuck are you?

Why should your job be a picnic?

Kids in China are in mines.

I don't care about Chinese people.

Are you really worrying?

I'm fine. Because we've got a
lot to be grateful for, you know?

You should remember that.

We've got our health.

You say something now.

We have a beautiful,
curious, amazing daughter.

And Frankie.

Yeah, we've got good teeth.

We have a restaurant quality blender.

Hey, we could sell that!

You like me again?

I'm trying not to, but,
it's not going very well.

I'm sorry your assembly was a car crash.

It's OK. I don't even really...

I just wanted to make you proud of me.

Just make you forget all the other shit.

I really want to keep
hugging you, but you just...

Jesus, you really stink
of cheese and onion crisps.

Do you make them now? With your body?

Fuck, it's overpowering.

Ice cream, ice cream, ice
cream, ice cream, ice cream...

Stop it, Wolf! Ice cream, ice cream...

Please, stop it! Ice cream,
ice cream, ice cream...

(CAR HORNS BLARE)

Please don't hit me!

What? No, no. I wasn't...
I was just go to...

I'm sure Frankie didn't do it.

I mean, look at him! He's a savage!

I hate him.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I'm sorry! I'm sorry I shouted at
you. I'm sure Wolf's a great kid.

Yeah, he lied about
Frankie, but so what?

We're all just doing our best.

I mean, look at me! I'm a mess!

I can't provide for my family,
I have diarrhoea every day,

I have secrets inside of me that...

Ow! Frankie!

Son of a...

It's crazy that he did
that for you to see!

I swear to God...

He's never done that before!

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