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1
00:00:00,328 --> 00:00:03,463
You know sometimes a 21 minute
15 second episode of Broad City
2
00:00:03,469 --> 00:00:05,999
isn't enough of the world of
Broad City for me
3
00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,267
No, me niether.
4
00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:09,904
Right after this episode you
are gonna get behind the scenes
5
00:00:09,911 --> 00:00:13,240
exclusive footage of how our
show Broad City is made.
6
00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:15,742
It is like a behind the curtain
look at Broad City.
7
00:00:15,748 --> 00:00:18,378
Very informative and you're
gonna dig it.
8
00:00:18,384 --> 00:00:20,914
Stay tuned after the episode
for a behind the scenes look
9
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,449
at the making of Broad City
10
00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:24,351
- I love a good BTS
- Me, too.
11
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:28,504
- I love a hot BTS
- BTS to the BTS, baby!
12
00:00:28,511 --> 00:00:29,630
Whoo!
13
00:00:29,637 --> 00:00:31,425
[HIP HOP PLAYING ON RADIO]
14
00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:33,560
Dude, we are like
Jerry Seinfeld right now.
15
00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:35,896
Yeah, we run this city.
16
00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:37,898
What up, bitches? Woo!
17
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:40,271
We own this city! We're driving!
18
00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:43,096
This isn't a taxi, this isn't an Uber!
19
00:00:43,103 --> 00:00:45,673
- Nope.
- We own you bitches!
20
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,442
We own...
21
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:49,776
The last guy was black
22
00:00:49,782 --> 00:00:51,278
so I didn't wanna, like, own him.
23
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:53,447
- Good call.
- This is awesome, though.
24
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:54,915
Oh, love parki...
25
00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:56,450
There's a spot! There's a spot! Yes!
26
00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,138
Do we have the best luck or what?
27
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,320
- [MAN YELLING]
- [GASPS]
28
00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:01,922
- (bleep) you.
- No, (bleep) you!
29
00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:03,590
(bleep) you!
30
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,565
Okay, it's too small, anyway.
31
00:01:08,634 --> 00:01:09,802
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
32
00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:14,807
Mother(bleep). Mother(bleep).
33
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,940
There are no spots.
Does everyone have a car now?
34
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:22,743
??
35
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,345
? Yeah, I ain't enough
36
00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:26,694
? I take you... with that dab
yeah I got it ?
37
00:01:26,701 --> 00:01:29,616
? Did these narcotics sizzling
? Lit when they whipping the water ?
38
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,655
? I did not mean for this
to be the ignorant... ?
39
00:01:31,662 --> 00:01:34,488
? That you wanted but that,
that's an order ?
40
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:37,090
? I came in here with a quarter ??
41
00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,176
Did we get it?
42
00:01:38,183 --> 00:01:40,092
I just realized it's a driveway.
43
00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:41,495
(bleep)!
44
00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:42,608
[BOTH SHIVERING]
45
00:01:42,615 --> 00:01:44,498
Dude, could we put the top back up?
46
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,733
It's frozen in place. I tried.
47
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,869
Oh, God. Okay, we need to park.
48
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,480
- We need to park now.
- No spots.
49
00:01:50,487 --> 00:01:53,573
Why would there be spots?
50
00:01:53,579 --> 00:01:55,442
- [LAUGHING]
- There's a spot! There's a spot!
51
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,511
Mother(bleep)!
52
00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,103
Shit! You know what?
53
00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:04,518
Owning this car's been
the worst two weeks of my life.
54
00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:06,987
- Wait, someone's gonna steal it.
- Exactly.
55
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,990
[SHIVERING]
56
00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:12,125
? Four and three and two and one-one ?
57
00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:16,736
??
58
00:02:16,743 --> 00:02:19,230
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
59
00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:21,735
Dude.
60
00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,637
You can't bring those in here.
61
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:25,605
Well, it's worth, like,
six or seven bucks.
62
00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:27,607
There's loose juice all over the place.
63
00:02:27,613 --> 00:02:29,509
How many times can you...
64
00:02:29,515 --> 00:02:33,113
[GROANS]
65
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:36,049
Quality bottles.
66
00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:39,553
Um, I purchased
these Dunkaroos last week
67
00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,343
and then I realized they were expired.
68
00:02:41,350 --> 00:02:42,656
Yeah.
69
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,024
All Dunkaroos are expired.
70
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:47,961
Any Dunkaroos you see
are literally from the '90s.
71
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,446
They're from before I was born.
72
00:02:49,453 --> 00:02:51,309
- Before you...
- Yeah.
73
00:02:51,316 --> 00:02:53,228
Okay, we don't need to
get into the nitty-gritty
74
00:02:53,235 --> 00:02:55,569
of Dunkaroos' corporate
history or whatever.
75
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:59,573
I would just love to return
this product please.
76
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,648
Yeah, you can't
return stuff at a bodega.
77
00:03:05,259 --> 00:03:07,689
Okay, well then I will
please take store credit.
78
00:03:10,870 --> 00:03:12,999
[SIGHS] You can return them
79
00:03:13,006 --> 00:03:14,975
if you can tell me my name.
80
00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:19,860
Yeah, of course.
81
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:23,558
Your name is Bo...
82
00:03:23,565 --> 00:03:25,799
Dega? You think my name is Bodega?
83
00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:28,735
- Oh, my God... No!
- I was gonna say
84
00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,904
Bo... dine.
85
00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:33,006
That's not a name. It is so.
86
00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:34,981
My favorite aunt's name is Bodine.
87
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:41,081
You know, very irresponsible.
88
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,923
That you sell expired
products knowingly.
89
00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,027
Bye, Abbi.
90
00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:53,093
[SNORING]
91
00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,829
[SHOUTING] Get up, it's time for work!
92
00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:57,931
- Where you going?
- To brush my teeth!
93
00:03:57,937 --> 00:04:00,233
- Well, what're you gonna wear?
- Scrubs?
94
00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,538
Can you show me
the dimensions of your armoire?
95
00:04:02,545 --> 00:04:04,247
What? Just do it!
96
00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:10,777
[GIGGLING]
97
00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:13,300
What?
98
00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:17,250
- Aw!
- [LAUGHING]
99
00:04:17,256 --> 00:04:20,253
[SCREAMS]
100
00:04:20,259 --> 00:04:22,789
Oh, my God!
101
00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:24,691
You look so good together!
102
00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:28,595
Nailed it! Nailed it!
103
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,999
You know, I always thought
of being a dog uncle.
104
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,536
Coming in and out of the dog's life,
105
00:04:33,543 --> 00:04:36,770
all about fun and games
and treats and toys.
106
00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:40,007
Being a dog dad is different.
It's a lot of responsibility.
107
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:43,143
That's a big choice to make
for another person, Ilana.
108
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,545
You know what's also a big choice?
109
00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:46,947
Killing a dog, and that's what
110
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,782
was gonna happen to her today.
111
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:49,916
But, you know, I get it.
112
00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:53,153
If you feel a six-figure salary isn't
enough to support a tiny dog...
113
00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,756
- No, no, no, God, no!
- 'Cause I can take her back.
114
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,091
She's precious and beautiful.
I love her.
115
00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,658
How long was the dog in the box?
116
00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:07,701
Whew, good haul! Oh, thanks.
117
00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:10,900
I don't, like, need... need this.
This is just for, like, extra cash.
118
00:05:10,907 --> 00:05:13,140
- 'Cause I'm actually an artist.
- Me too.
119
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,710
Showing in New York
and London right now.
120
00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:18,979
Gotcha. Wow, I'm showing...
121
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,048
in the... one of the most prestigious
122
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:24,184
chiropractor's offices in the Village.
123
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,752
- [MACHINE BEEPING]
- Oh, can time!
124
00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,160
Okay.
125
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,192
- Thank you, brudder.
- Sure.
126
00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,027
So... got you a gift.
127
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,063
Oh, my God. That's an iPad.
128
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,875
- Yes.
- Thank you so... much, um...
129
00:05:38,882 --> 00:05:41,234
Wait, why is it not in a box?
130
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,770
- It's refurbished.
- It is?
131
00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,005
Yeah, it's like brand new.
132
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,640
Except not.
133
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,743
No, I mean, look.
One could make the argument
134
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:53,080
that if you give a gift,
it should be brand new.
135
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,950
You know, I just gave you
$400 worth of almost-new iPad.
136
00:05:56,956 --> 00:06:00,061
No, you're right. Thank you. I'll...
I'll just wipe it clean.
137
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,136
Now, you gotta get out of here
because Abbi's coming
138
00:06:02,143 --> 00:06:04,257
and I want her to think she's the
only person getting a gift today.
139
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,790
Is hers new?
140
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,928
Get out of here. Go!
141
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,663
Oh, my God, here she is.
Go, go, go, go, go!
142
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:10,964
Hide your face!
143
00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,099
[SIGHS] I love money.
144
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,172
(bleep)!
145
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:18,071
- People are so rude.
- Disgusting.
146
00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:20,040
I'm really sorry I'm late.
147
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,242
My train karma is at an all-time low,
148
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:24,244
as is my general karma.
149
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,079
- I really need a job.
- Mm-hmm.
150
00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,627
Maybe I just need to aim low.
151
00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:31,051
- Like maybe Forever 21?
- [GROANS]
152
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,886
Or that shitty coffee shop on Avenue A?
153
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,222
- Love that place.
- Or Barnes and Noble, maybe?
154
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,891
How many dumps have I taken
at Barnes and Noble?
155
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,359
Well, that's a solid list.
156
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:41,230
And I got just the thing
to seal the deal.
157
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,138
- Ilana.
- For you.
158
00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:49,403
- No...
- Yes!
159
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,038
Are you kidding me?
160
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,807
This is that fancy bag
we saw in the window.
161
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:56,810
Yep. I have been making
so much freakin' "caysh,"
162
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,745
and having so much fun
spending it on myself.
163
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,114
But now that I am old money,
I gotta start giving it away.
164
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,316
- How much was this?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
165
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:06,753
Was it more than the blue dress?
166
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:07,854
Was it more than an ounce?
167
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:09,823
Stop stressing about it.
168
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,191
Ilana, was it more than my rent?
169
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,402
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Times two.
170
00:07:12,409 --> 00:07:14,294
What? I mi... I can't keep this.
171
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,930
- You have to take it back.
- Absolutely not.
172
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,332
I seriously believe in you, Abbi.
173
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,300
And you have to dress for success.
174
00:07:20,306 --> 00:07:22,369
You need to look how you feel.
175
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,137
I feel like I spent
two hours this morning
176
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,840
recycling bottles and cans for $4.15.
177
00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:28,775
Yows... all right.
178
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,313
Well, now, you can feel like
179
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,039
you wear two month's rent
around your body.
180
00:07:32,046 --> 00:07:34,848
Everyone is gonna see
how freakin' hot you are today
181
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:37,184
including you, okay?
182
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:40,253
Go get 'em, tiger. I'm gonna go be
Santa to one last sweet, little elf.
183
00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:42,422
All right. Thanks, Ilana.
184
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,091
I owe you one. I'll see you later.
185
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,765
- Love ya.
- Love you too.
186
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,169
??
187
00:07:51,337 --> 00:07:52,466
Jaim�...
188
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,735
Himmelz!
189
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:58,205
I have a gift for my little
Guatemalan coffee bean,
190
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,942
and you will never guess what it is...
191
00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,479
Jaim�? Jaim�?
192
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,078
Himmelz?
193
00:08:08,085 --> 00:08:09,836
- Jaim�, what happened?
- [SHOWER RUNNING]
194
00:08:09,843 --> 00:08:11,151
Don't you see?
195
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,352
What? No!
196
00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:13,820
Look at yourself.
197
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:15,756
Jaim�, what're you saying?
198
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,891
We have bed bugs!
199
00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:19,432
[JAIM� SOBBING]
200
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:30,327
No!
201
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,356
.
202
00:08:32,362 --> 00:08:35,098
??
203
00:08:48,712 --> 00:08:50,307
? This life is what you make of it ?
204
00:08:50,313 --> 00:08:51,842
? So we're gonna make it up
205
00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:55,212
? Make it up as we go
206
00:08:55,218 --> 00:08:56,747
? When I'm in the sunshine... ?
207
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,148
Thank you!
208
00:08:58,154 --> 00:08:59,617
? That goes wherever I go
209
00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:00,851
? Oh!
210
00:09:00,857 --> 00:09:02,786
? So take your time
211
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,623
? There's always tomorrow
212
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:09,293
? Let's live for today
213
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:13,297
? Ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-ay-ay... ?
214
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,765
Ew!
215
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,200
It's about the bag.
216
00:09:16,206 --> 00:09:18,536
Love that bag.
217
00:09:18,542 --> 00:09:20,704
Oh... well, then have at it!
218
00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,773
? Ay-ay-ay-ay ?
219
00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:24,375
[ILANA] Oh, God!
220
00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,877
People like us don't get bed bugs!
221
00:09:26,883 --> 00:09:29,480
Yes, we can. Because we do.
222
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,549
Well, I've been really careful
about who I'm with
223
00:09:31,555 --> 00:09:33,717
and where I sit, so where
do you think you got them?
224
00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:35,771
Oh, that's rich, okay?
225
00:09:35,778 --> 00:09:38,823
I've been going through a dry spell
ever since I cut off my peepee.
226
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,758
I haven't slept with
anybody for two months.
227
00:09:40,764 --> 00:09:42,326
We got this from "jou," lady.
228
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,328
- Jew lady?
- You! You!
229
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,497
Well, I am in a relationship
so I'm safe.
230
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,603
Okay, then maybe we got them from Abbi.
231
00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:50,601
[GASPS] Don't you dare
bring her into this!
232
00:09:50,607 --> 00:09:52,503
I went too far.
233
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,849
Have you been using protection?
234
00:09:53,856 --> 00:09:55,472
What are we even talking about now?
235
00:09:55,478 --> 00:09:57,741
A mattress protector.
236
00:09:57,747 --> 00:10:00,544
Tell me you got a mattress protector.
237
00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:02,613
Yes.
238
00:10:02,619 --> 00:10:03,881
Y-yes.
239
00:10:03,887 --> 00:10:06,417
You lying. You are a liar!
240
00:10:06,423 --> 00:10:07,818
- Mattress protector!
- [SCREAMS]
241
00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:10,760
??
242
00:10:13,897 --> 00:10:15,198
Anthro...
243
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,334
? I'm crowded in the street
244
00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:28,372
? Feeling like I'm floating on the air ?
245
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,709
? Closer as we speak
246
00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:34,712
? I spent the morning here
247
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:38,282
? I know you're somewhere over there ??
248
00:10:38,288 --> 00:10:42,653
Baby's got a brand new bag.
249
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,870
- Excuse me.
- Hi, how may I help you?
250
00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:47,858
Can I please speak to the manager?
251
00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:50,227
Absolutely. Follow me.
252
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,731
??
253
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,038
God, maybe I could've
(bleep) less people
254
00:10:56,045 --> 00:10:58,736
before I got back together with Lincoln.
Those people were filthy.
255
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,075
No, I could've been more careful.
256
00:11:00,082 --> 00:11:01,761
[JAIM�] I always sit
on the wooden benches
257
00:11:01,768 --> 00:11:04,542
in the subway platform even though
I know that they are carriers.
258
00:11:04,548 --> 00:11:06,045
I just love the way the wood feels.
259
00:11:06,052 --> 00:11:08,913
You know, it's easy to blame yourselves
but it's not your fault.
260
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,414
Bed bugs don't discriminate.
261
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,349
I once saw these suckers take out
262
00:11:12,355 --> 00:11:13,918
the Metropolitan Opera House.
263
00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:16,420
What if we got rid of our
clothes and our possessions?
264
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,622
And what if we promised
to learn how to pray?
265
00:11:18,628 --> 00:11:21,625
- Or we could move?
- No, no, no, no.
266
00:11:21,631 --> 00:11:24,428
You don't treat the apartment
and move and the city finds out,
267
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,297
you're looking at ten years to life.
268
00:11:26,303 --> 00:11:27,911
- Jesus Christ.
- Puta madre!
269
00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:30,301
You live in New York City
five years, you got bed bugs.
270
00:11:30,307 --> 00:11:31,769
Well, I do have some good news.
271
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:32,970
I found the source.
272
00:11:32,976 --> 00:11:35,982
This moist, dark paper right here.
273
00:11:35,989 --> 00:11:38,118
That's where they first laid their eggs.
274
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:39,577
[SOBBING] No, no!
275
00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:41,779
Yeah, we're gonna have to burn all this.
276
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,480
On what? Booze? Hookers?
277
00:11:43,486 --> 00:11:45,256
I meant literally burn it.
278
00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:47,092
Isn't that illegal under federal law?
279
00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:48,563
When it comes to bed bugs,
280
00:11:48,569 --> 00:11:50,632
it's illegal not to burn infested cash.
281
00:11:50,638 --> 00:11:52,401
Why couldn't we have just gotten herpes?
282
00:11:52,408 --> 00:11:54,102
Then we could at least
keep all our stuff
283
00:11:54,108 --> 00:11:56,312
and I could've just
learned to use concealer.
284
00:11:56,319 --> 00:11:58,015
I can't guarantee
that I can get 'em out.
285
00:11:58,022 --> 00:11:59,580
However, I can guarantee that I can't.
286
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:02,912
You heard me.
287
00:12:04,118 --> 00:12:06,281
Yeah, so actually,
the flagship Anthropologie
288
00:12:06,287 --> 00:12:07,362
was in my hometown.
289
00:12:07,369 --> 00:12:09,641
No disrespect, Lisa, but I probably knew
290
00:12:09,648 --> 00:12:11,184
about Anthropologie before you did.
291
00:12:11,191 --> 00:12:13,321
Well, I didn't even know
where the first one was.
292
00:12:13,327 --> 00:12:16,658
Fun fact, there was actually
a coffee shop inside.
293
00:12:16,664 --> 00:12:17,792
We should bring that back.
294
00:12:17,798 --> 00:12:19,727
Yeah, you should.
295
00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:21,562
So you were a fitness trainer?
296
00:12:21,568 --> 00:12:23,323
It's actually an amazing story.
297
00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:25,266
- Mm-hmm.
- I was a trainer.
298
00:12:25,272 --> 00:12:27,635
But I started at the company
as a cleaner.
299
00:12:27,641 --> 00:12:29,170
A janitor at the gym.
300
00:12:29,176 --> 00:12:31,739
I turned a shitty job
301
00:12:31,745 --> 00:12:33,641
into a "fitty" job.
302
00:12:33,647 --> 00:12:34,809
[BOTH LAUGHING]
303
00:12:34,815 --> 00:12:36,778
Because, Lisa, I had a plan of attack
304
00:12:36,784 --> 00:12:38,613
and I climbed that corporate ladder.
305
00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:40,748
I often see things other people don't.
306
00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:43,351
It's a skill of anticipation.
307
00:12:43,357 --> 00:12:45,320
You know? And that's
exactly what I did, Lisa.
308
00:12:45,326 --> 00:12:48,156
That's exactly what I did.
309
00:12:48,162 --> 00:12:50,191
[EXHALES]
310
00:12:50,197 --> 00:12:53,171
Well, that is how you nail an interview.
311
00:12:53,178 --> 00:12:54,892
- Oh, stop it.
- I mean, I have to talk
312
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,597
to the higher-ups, but I know you'll be
313
00:12:56,603 --> 00:12:59,400
a valuable addition
to the Anthro family.
314
00:12:59,406 --> 00:13:01,102
Wow.
315
00:13:01,108 --> 00:13:02,176
Great.
316
00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:07,198
[PHONE RINGING]
317
00:13:07,205 --> 00:13:09,657
- [MARCEL ON PHONE] Sushi Mambeaux.
- Marcel, hey, it's Ilana.
318
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,128
I can't believe
I'm about to say this but...
319
00:13:11,135 --> 00:13:13,181
- You have bed bugs.
- How'd you know?
320
00:13:13,188 --> 00:13:16,160
Because Brenda was using Sushi Mambeaux
321
00:13:16,190 --> 00:13:18,386
- as her own personal hussy hut.
- What?
322
00:13:18,392 --> 00:13:20,655
Clean out your ears, other Tanya.
323
00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:22,757
Brenda was running a prostitution ring
324
00:13:22,763 --> 00:13:24,792
out of Sushi Mambeaux after hours.
325
00:13:24,798 --> 00:13:26,327
She brought in bed bugs
326
00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:27,862
and who in the heck knows what else.
327
00:13:27,868 --> 00:13:31,766
So we are closed
for fumigation indefinitely.
328
00:13:31,772 --> 00:13:33,334
Well, what about my job?
329
00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:35,236
Child, I hope you put
your cash in the bank
330
00:13:35,242 --> 00:13:36,871
and made yourself a little breast egg
331
00:13:36,877 --> 00:13:38,906
'cause who knows if we'll bounce back.
332
00:13:38,912 --> 00:13:40,475
Well, where are you gonna go?
333
00:13:40,481 --> 00:13:44,178
I'm gonna go wherever
I can be the best father
334
00:13:44,184 --> 00:13:45,346
to my only son.
335
00:13:45,352 --> 00:13:48,216
Well, my son.
336
00:13:48,222 --> 00:13:50,618
- Toodles!
- But...
337
00:13:50,624 --> 00:13:52,326
(bleep)!
338
00:14:01,368 --> 00:14:04,866
??
339
00:14:04,872 --> 00:14:06,701
I guess this is our lives now.
340
00:14:06,707 --> 00:14:07,902
We have bed bugs.
341
00:14:07,908 --> 00:14:10,371
We are fully (bleep) by bed bugs.
342
00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:12,874
Us and all our marks.
343
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,376
You have it a lot worse than I do.
344
00:14:15,382 --> 00:14:17,845
It's 'cause I'm sweeter.
345
00:14:17,851 --> 00:14:19,314
What are we gonna do?
346
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,250
I'm calling Abbi.
347
00:14:22,256 --> 00:14:25,192
??
348
00:14:27,828 --> 00:14:29,958
[WHISPERING] Shit.
349
00:14:29,964 --> 00:14:32,399
Oh my God.
350
00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:34,967
Nice purse.
351
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:39,642
In here!
352
00:14:39,648 --> 00:14:42,111
- Hey...
- Shut up! Go!
353
00:14:42,117 --> 00:14:44,347
Hey, hey, hey. Bodine. Bodine, hey!
354
00:14:44,353 --> 00:14:46,258
- Bodine, please! Just...
- [PHONE BEEPING]
355
00:14:46,265 --> 00:14:49,367
- Bodine...
- [PHONE BEEPING]
356
00:14:49,374 --> 00:14:50,652
All right, withdraw the money.
357
00:14:50,659 --> 00:14:52,082
- All right.
- Before she gets back.
358
00:14:52,089 --> 00:14:53,689
All right, all right.
359
00:14:53,695 --> 00:14:55,792
Okay, can you just
look away for a second please?
360
00:14:55,798 --> 00:14:57,994
What for? M-my PIN, I just...
361
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,763
- Oh, my God. I'm mugging you, bitch!
- Okay, okay.
362
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,031
[ATM BEEPING]
363
00:15:02,037 --> 00:15:04,100
Oh, let me guess.
Were you born in 1-9-88?
364
00:15:04,106 --> 00:15:06,421
Jesus. Good PIN.
365
00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:11,474
Okay, you know what? I don't usually
have a gun pointed at me, bitch.
366
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,845
I have a license to carry this.
Do you wanna see my permit?
367
00:15:13,852 --> 00:15:15,370
- No.
- You wanna see it?
368
00:15:15,377 --> 00:15:17,547
No, I didn't think so.
Go to your (bleep) balance now.
369
00:15:17,553 --> 00:15:18,981
- Come on!
- I'm not doing very well right now.
370
00:15:18,987 --> 00:15:20,385
- Do it!
- Okay, okay!
371
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,023
Oh, my God. Is this a joke?
372
00:15:27,029 --> 00:15:28,691
No, I'm having a rough time right now.
373
00:15:28,698 --> 00:15:30,010
[SIGHS] Let me see your savings.
374
00:15:30,017 --> 00:15:31,594
I cancelled it 'cause it was costing me
375
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,727
like six bucks a month and
that wasn't really doing me
376
00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:36,666
- any good, so...
- That's your total equity?
377
00:15:36,672 --> 00:15:39,275
$374? Are you kidding me?
378
00:15:39,282 --> 00:15:41,576
You gotta keep more money
in your bank account than that!
379
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:43,440
- No, I know.
- What if there's an emergency?
380
00:15:43,447 --> 00:15:45,992
What if the economy all of a sudden
tanks? What're you gonna do?
381
00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:47,601
- I'm not sure.
- Wow.
382
00:15:47,608 --> 00:15:50,352
You're giving me advice?
You're mugging me right now so...
383
00:15:52,653 --> 00:15:54,317
At least I'm proactive
about my finances.
384
00:15:54,324 --> 00:15:55,617
[SCOFFS] And, look.
385
00:15:55,624 --> 00:15:57,771
You clearly are living
beyond your means.
386
00:15:57,778 --> 00:15:59,072
Can you afford that bag?
387
00:15:59,079 --> 00:16:01,240
This was a gift from
a very wealthy friend.
388
00:16:01,247 --> 00:16:03,559
That's too expensive for you.
Give me that.
389
00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:05,640
[MASSOUMA] Get out of my
bodega, mother(bleep).
390
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:08,998
[GUN COCKS]
391
00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:12,062
Holy shit.
392
00:16:13,271 --> 00:16:15,974
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
393
00:16:18,747 --> 00:16:21,477
Maybe you could've gotten
the bag and the money.
394
00:16:21,483 --> 00:16:23,685
Maybe you could've remembered my name.
395
00:16:25,754 --> 00:16:27,116
That's fair.
396
00:16:27,122 --> 00:16:29,685
Hey, I have full-on bed bugs.
397
00:16:29,691 --> 00:16:30,753
Can I come over?
398
00:16:30,759 --> 00:16:32,327
Ugh, Ilana, no. That's how it spreads.
399
00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:34,330
Plus, if I got bed bugs from my sister
400
00:16:34,336 --> 00:16:35,364
what would people think?
401
00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,300
You are so afraid of incest.
402
00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:39,071
You need to talk about that in therapy.
403
00:16:40,509 --> 00:16:42,772
Yes, of course, come home
for the weekend, sweetheart.
404
00:16:42,778 --> 00:16:44,340
That'd be wonderful. You know what?
405
00:16:44,346 --> 00:16:47,310
We'll go do nails,
then bags, then maybe...
406
00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:49,779
Well, uh, Mom, I am gonna
need complete access
407
00:16:49,785 --> 00:16:52,315
to the washer and dryer because
I'm gonna bring every item
408
00:16:52,321 --> 00:16:54,584
of clothing home that I own
and, to be honest,
409
00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:56,483
most of the time
I'm gonna be in the shower
410
00:16:56,490 --> 00:16:58,554
scrubbing the bed bugs
from my hair and body.
411
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,256
You haven't been home in months
412
00:17:00,262 --> 00:17:02,506
and now you get bed bugs
and you wanna bring 'em here?
413
00:17:02,513 --> 00:17:04,827
No, no, no. (Bleep) you.
414
00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:07,463
So I thought maybe we could
play with the puppy,
415
00:17:07,469 --> 00:17:09,465
watch a little movie, make some dinner.
416
00:17:09,471 --> 00:17:11,868
I'll give you really rigorous head...
417
00:17:11,874 --> 00:17:13,803
I'm with that... right after I take
418
00:17:13,809 --> 00:17:16,806
a shower 'cause I have, um,
bed... bed bugs.
419
00:17:16,866 --> 00:17:18,441
What? No!
420
00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:21,344
Come on, Lincoln,
my family's turned me away.
421
00:17:21,350 --> 00:17:23,479
I really need you,
my boyfriend, right now.
422
00:17:23,485 --> 00:17:26,716
And I just happen to be...
right outside your building.
423
00:17:26,722 --> 00:17:29,418
Come on, Lincoln.
424
00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:31,621
Sorry, Ilana, I can't let you in.
425
00:17:31,627 --> 00:17:32,955
I'm a dad now.
426
00:17:32,961 --> 00:17:34,457
Sticky's health is my first priority.
427
00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:36,592
- You named her?
- Yeah, Sticky.
428
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:39,362
- Like sticky rice.
- Sticky rice.
429
00:17:39,368 --> 00:17:41,964
- It's my favorite type of rice.
- That's so cute it hurts.
430
00:17:41,970 --> 00:17:44,300
Listen, I'm sorry I can't help, Ilana.
431
00:17:44,306 --> 00:17:46,809
- I'll call you tomorrow. Good luck.
- Love you.
432
00:17:48,510 --> 00:17:51,507
I just wanna smush you and eat you up!
433
00:17:51,513 --> 00:17:53,849
Ugh, I'm turning into my mother.
434
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,679
[MASSOUMA] Bodegas save lives.
435
00:17:56,685 --> 00:17:58,714
Me and my family,
we take that responsibility
436
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,384
like, really seriously,
and we have a permit,
437
00:18:01,390 --> 00:18:04,520
- We know our Second Amendment rights.
- Right, Second Amendment.
438
00:18:04,526 --> 00:18:07,657
- That's the gun one.
- I mean, I was born here
439
00:18:07,663 --> 00:18:10,084
but I helped my parents
study for their citizenship.
440
00:18:10,091 --> 00:18:12,562
So I know the Constitution
like the back of my hand.
441
00:18:12,568 --> 00:18:14,864
Yeah, no, me too.
442
00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:17,667
I know it like the back of, like...
443
00:18:17,673 --> 00:18:19,001
my foot.
444
00:18:19,007 --> 00:18:20,536
Never forget it.
445
00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,286
'Cause I'm from Philadelphia.
446
00:18:22,293 --> 00:18:24,012
Well, I'm from the suburbs
of Philadelphia.
447
00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:25,808
But, like, it's like, 40 minutes tops
448
00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,877
to the Founding Fathers.
449
00:18:27,883 --> 00:18:29,479
Crackin' that bell, right?
450
00:18:29,485 --> 00:18:32,185
Liberty! Ding-dong...
451
00:18:33,161 --> 00:18:35,485
Well, what I'm really looking forward to
452
00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:37,753
is the 26th Amendment
because then I'll actually
453
00:18:37,759 --> 00:18:39,922
get to be part of the
conversation, you know?
454
00:18:39,928 --> 00:18:42,592
Totally. Conversation Amendment.
455
00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:44,560
Yeah.
456
00:18:44,566 --> 00:18:46,896
Massouma, I'm sorry
that I did not know your name.
457
00:18:46,902 --> 00:18:49,465
I know it now. It was just, like,
458
00:18:49,471 --> 00:18:52,401
we passed a certain point and
then I couldn't ask, you know?
459
00:18:52,407 --> 00:18:53,970
I may be a dumb, white bitch,
460
00:18:53,976 --> 00:18:56,405
but I'm not that dumb.
461
00:18:56,411 --> 00:18:58,908
And really, really, I'm not a bitch.
462
00:18:58,914 --> 00:19:00,586
- [CHUCKLES]
- [BELL RINGING]
463
00:19:00,593 --> 00:19:01,650
Hey.
464
00:19:01,657 --> 00:19:03,479
Ilana, how did you know that I was here?
465
00:19:03,485 --> 00:19:04,814
Massouma texted me.
466
00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:06,949
You... you have her number?
467
00:19:06,955 --> 00:19:07,984
Oh, yeah, we go way back.
468
00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:11,136
- Do you wanna come inside?
- I can't.
469
00:19:11,593 --> 00:19:14,457
I have... bed bugs.
470
00:19:14,463 --> 00:19:15,851
- What?
- [GUN COCKS]
471
00:19:15,858 --> 00:19:17,693
Jeez, Massouma.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
472
00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:20,363
- I'm kidding. [LAUGHS]
- That's not funny, dude.
473
00:19:20,369 --> 00:19:22,598
- Oh, my...
- Abbi, could I come over, dude?
474
00:19:22,604 --> 00:19:24,767
Everyone else has turned me away.
475
00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:27,009
Of course you can come over.
You're my best friend.
476
00:19:28,944 --> 00:19:31,108
I mean, I guess this makes me
a real New Yorker now.
477
00:19:31,115 --> 00:19:32,475
I mean, he had a gun.
478
00:19:32,481 --> 00:19:34,944
And then, he's ragging on me
about my balance?
479
00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:37,079
I'm like, "You're mugging me, bitch."
480
00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:38,948
What a bitch.
481
00:19:38,954 --> 00:19:43,085
That's a real garbage person. Totally.
482
00:19:43,091 --> 00:19:46,046
- Thanks again for having me over.
- Of course, obviously.
483
00:19:49,835 --> 00:19:52,665
And that, my friend,
is how you 'belt it.
484
00:19:52,979 --> 00:19:54,441
You are a retail queen.
485
00:19:54,448 --> 00:19:55,843
Livin' in it.
486
00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:57,612
Abbi Abrams, Anthro gal.
487
00:19:57,618 --> 00:19:59,580
I do really have
a good feeling about this.
488
00:19:59,586 --> 00:20:01,416
Even though the bag was taken...
489
00:20:01,422 --> 00:20:04,018
- Don't!
- Which I'm really sorry about.
490
00:20:04,024 --> 00:20:06,754
I am so glad that it came in our lives
491
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,523
for such a brief...
492
00:20:08,529 --> 00:20:10,525
but the purpose it served, you know,
493
00:20:10,531 --> 00:20:12,860
I love that the bag was stolen!
494
00:20:12,866 --> 00:20:14,862
- I love it!
- And you don't have to
495
00:20:14,868 --> 00:20:16,764
get stuff so crazy, that was a lot.
496
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:18,666
- It's a lot.
- It was, like, a lot of money.
497
00:20:18,672 --> 00:20:20,601
- $1,300.
- What?
498
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:22,870
??
499
00:20:22,876 --> 00:20:24,872
Abbi, you look great.
500
00:20:24,878 --> 00:20:26,541
We're so excited to have you on board.
501
00:20:26,547 --> 00:20:28,643
Oh, I'm so excited
to be part of the team.
502
00:20:28,649 --> 00:20:31,412
I mean, this is such
a great place to work.
503
00:20:31,418 --> 00:20:33,618
I've been looking
for something like this.
504
00:20:33,625 --> 00:20:35,087
So I know it's my first day,
505
00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:37,045
but I took the liberty
of doing some sketches
506
00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:38,619
of some potential window displays,
507
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:41,055
pulled some fabrics,
and I think that you're
508
00:20:41,061 --> 00:20:44,025
gonna be extremely impressed.
509
00:20:44,031 --> 00:20:46,327
- You can put that on.
- Okay,
510
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:49,430
This is... oh, okay.
511
00:20:49,436 --> 00:20:51,566
Is this, like,
a new team look or something?
512
00:20:51,572 --> 00:20:52,834
It seems a little big.
513
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,569
- And here's your walkie.
- Okay.
514
00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:56,571
Basically, Sunil is your go-to guy
515
00:20:56,577 --> 00:20:58,473
for any security questions you have.
516
00:20:58,479 --> 00:20:59,807
You're gonna kill it, Abbi.
517
00:20:59,813 --> 00:21:01,482
You rock.
518
00:21:03,384 --> 00:21:05,319
Welcome to the Command Center.
519
00:21:09,276 --> 00:21:11,919
[RADIO CRACKLING] Abbi, you okay?
520
00:21:11,925 --> 00:21:15,923
[RADIO CRACKLING] Yeah, uh,
all's clear at the west door.
521
00:21:15,929 --> 00:21:19,927
[RADIO CRACKLING] Do the thing.
522
00:21:19,933 --> 00:21:21,214
[RADIO CRACKLING] Abbi out.
523
00:21:24,397 --> 00:21:27,515
- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
524
00:21:29,710 --> 00:21:32,206
You ever consider sex work?
525
00:21:32,212 --> 00:21:34,342
Like, maybe, like small stuff.
526
00:21:34,348 --> 00:21:36,277
- Hand jobs.
- Would they have to see
527
00:21:36,283 --> 00:21:38,503
- anything other than my hand?
- No.
528
00:21:38,510 --> 00:21:41,215
I would do that if it was just my hand.
529
00:21:41,221 --> 00:21:43,190
Let me get back to you.
Let me get back to you.
530
00:21:44,725 --> 00:21:45,759
[THEME MUSIC]
531
00:21:48,629 --> 00:21:52,259
Get it off of me, get it
off of me, what is this?
532
00:21:52,265 --> 00:21:54,972
This is not even my
shampoo. Get it off of me!
533
00:21:54,979 --> 00:21:58,023
Hi, my name is Arturo
Castro and I play Jaime.
534
00:21:58,030 --> 00:21:59,125
Hello, everybody.
535
00:21:59,131 --> 00:22:00,345
This is the bed bugs episode.
536
00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:02,547
I've just been in the shower
with all of my clothes on.
537
00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:05,061
[DIRECTOR] Alright, let's start
the water and let's roll sound.
538
00:22:05,068 --> 00:22:07,220
Hoo! Okay baby!
539
00:22:07,940 --> 00:22:10,070
We have bedbugs!
540
00:22:10,076 --> 00:22:11,905
[SCREAMS]
541
00:22:11,911 --> 00:22:14,774
Directing Hannibal,
Arturo and Abbi, to me,
542
00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:16,776
if I'm not in the
scene, it's so much fun
543
00:22:16,782 --> 00:22:20,438
and it's just play. It's
just so fun and play.
544
00:22:20,445 --> 00:22:23,131
But being in the scene, I
felt very self-conscious
545
00:22:23,138 --> 00:22:25,837
because you can't even
filter your thoughts.
546
00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,754
You're like, I felt like
I was like, totally dude,
547
00:22:28,761 --> 00:22:30,590
okay, let me just do
it again, totally dude.
548
00:22:30,597 --> 00:22:31,975
Okay now I want you to
like turn toward me.
549
00:22:31,982 --> 00:22:34,227
And it's just, you seem
like a crazy person.
550
00:22:34,233 --> 00:22:36,901
Great, well I want you to
do one more like smaller.
551
00:22:36,908 --> 00:22:38,965
Maybe we got them from Abbi!
552
00:22:38,971 --> 00:22:40,627
Don't you dare bring her into this!
553
00:22:40,634 --> 00:22:42,769
This is the first season
I think you see them
554
00:22:42,775 --> 00:22:44,571
actually get in an
argument over the bedbugs.
555
00:22:44,577 --> 00:22:46,673
That was like an overnight,
and just him and me
556
00:22:46,679 --> 00:22:49,075
scene after scene after
scene and I went nuts.
557
00:22:49,081 --> 00:22:51,578
I was like a maniacal monster.
558
00:22:51,584 --> 00:22:54,421
- Well, it was the right vibe.
- Get out, fucking dog!
559
00:22:54,428 --> 00:22:57,017
- Are you? I'm not!
- Fucking rat!
560
00:22:57,023 --> 00:22:59,252
And it's really exciting
because even when they're
561
00:22:59,258 --> 00:23:01,188
fighting, they're still
fighting as really
562
00:23:01,194 --> 00:23:03,123
like family, you know what I mean?
563
00:23:03,129 --> 00:23:05,492
Until you mention Abbi and then
you get a slap in the face.
564
00:23:05,498 --> 00:23:07,527
I might have gone too far!
565
00:23:07,533 --> 00:23:09,846
Broad City was my first
big gig, you know?
566
00:23:09,853 --> 00:23:12,065
And after that, other
stuff has come but like,
567
00:23:12,071 --> 00:23:15,268
I haven't found the sense of family
or a sense of belonging like I do here,
568
00:23:15,274 --> 00:23:16,844
you know what I mean? I don't know, man.
569
00:23:16,851 --> 00:23:18,772
I feel like the luckiest
man in the world, you know?
570
00:23:18,778 --> 00:23:21,107
Kill me now, just fucking do it!
571
00:23:21,113 --> 00:23:22,644
Just kill me! [SPITS]
572
00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:23,890
Just kill me now.
573
00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:27,013
[THEME MUSIC OUTRO]
574
00:23:27,063 --> 00:23:31,613
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