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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,328 --> 00:00:03,463 You know sometimes a 21 minute 15 second episode of Broad City 2 00:00:03,469 --> 00:00:05,999 isn't enough of the world of Broad City for me 3 00:00:06,005 --> 00:00:07,267 No, me niether. 4 00:00:07,273 --> 00:00:09,904 Right after this episode you are gonna get behind the scenes 5 00:00:09,911 --> 00:00:13,240 exclusive footage of how our show Broad City is made. 6 00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:15,742 It is like a behind the curtain look at Broad City. 7 00:00:15,748 --> 00:00:18,378 Very informative and you're gonna dig it. 8 00:00:18,384 --> 00:00:20,914 Stay tuned after the episode for a behind the scenes look 9 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:22,449 at the making of Broad City 10 00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:24,351 - I love a good BTS - Me, too. 11 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:28,504 - I love a hot BTS - BTS to the BTS, baby! 12 00:00:28,511 --> 00:00:29,630 Whoo! 13 00:00:29,637 --> 00:00:31,425 [HIP HOP PLAYING ON RADIO] 14 00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:33,560 Dude, we are like Jerry Seinfeld right now. 15 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:35,896 Yeah, we run this city. 16 00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:37,898 What up, bitches? Woo! 17 00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:40,271 We own this city! We're driving! 18 00:00:40,278 --> 00:00:43,096 This isn't a taxi, this isn't an Uber! 19 00:00:43,103 --> 00:00:45,673 - Nope. - We own you bitches! 20 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,442 We own... 21 00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:49,776 The last guy was black 22 00:00:49,782 --> 00:00:51,278 so I didn't wanna, like, own him. 23 00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:53,447 - Good call. - This is awesome, though. 24 00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:54,915 Oh, love parki... 25 00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:56,450 There's a spot! There's a spot! Yes! 26 00:00:56,456 --> 00:00:58,138 Do we have the best luck or what? 27 00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,320 - [MAN YELLING] - [GASPS] 28 00:01:00,326 --> 00:01:01,922 - (bleep) you. - No, (bleep) you! 29 00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:03,590 (bleep) you! 30 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,565 Okay, it's too small, anyway. 31 00:01:08,634 --> 00:01:09,802 [CAR HORNS HONKING] 32 00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:14,807 Mother(bleep). Mother(bleep). 33 00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:19,940 There are no spots. Does everyone have a car now? 34 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:22,743 ?? 35 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:25,345 ? Yeah, I ain't enough 36 00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:26,694 ? I take you... with that dab yeah I got it ? 37 00:01:26,701 --> 00:01:29,616 ? Did these narcotics sizzling ? Lit when they whipping the water ? 38 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,655 ? I did not mean for this to be the ignorant... ? 39 00:01:31,662 --> 00:01:34,488 ? That you wanted but that, that's an order ? 40 00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:37,090 ? I came in here with a quarter ?? 41 00:01:37,096 --> 00:01:38,176 Did we get it? 42 00:01:38,183 --> 00:01:40,092 I just realized it's a driveway. 43 00:01:40,099 --> 00:01:41,495 (bleep)! 44 00:01:41,501 --> 00:01:42,608 [BOTH SHIVERING] 45 00:01:42,615 --> 00:01:44,498 Dude, could we put the top back up? 46 00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:46,733 It's frozen in place. I tried. 47 00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,869 Oh, God. Okay, we need to park. 48 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,480 - We need to park now. - No spots. 49 00:01:50,487 --> 00:01:53,573 Why would there be spots? 50 00:01:53,579 --> 00:01:55,442 - [LAUGHING] - There's a spot! There's a spot! 51 00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,511 Mother(bleep)! 52 00:01:57,517 --> 00:02:00,103 Shit! You know what? 53 00:02:01,387 --> 00:02:04,518 Owning this car's been the worst two weeks of my life. 54 00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:06,987 - Wait, someone's gonna steal it. - Exactly. 55 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:09,990 [SHIVERING] 56 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:12,125 ? Four and three and two and one-one ? 57 00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:16,736 ?? 58 00:02:16,743 --> 00:02:19,230 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 59 00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:21,735 Dude. 60 00:02:21,741 --> 00:02:23,637 You can't bring those in here. 61 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:25,605 Well, it's worth, like, six or seven bucks. 62 00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:27,607 There's loose juice all over the place. 63 00:02:27,613 --> 00:02:29,509 How many times can you... 64 00:02:29,515 --> 00:02:33,113 [GROANS] 65 00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:36,049 Quality bottles. 66 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:39,553 Um, I purchased these Dunkaroos last week 67 00:02:39,559 --> 00:02:41,343 and then I realized they were expired. 68 00:02:41,350 --> 00:02:42,656 Yeah. 69 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,024 All Dunkaroos are expired. 70 00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:47,961 Any Dunkaroos you see are literally from the '90s. 71 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,446 They're from before I was born. 72 00:02:49,453 --> 00:02:51,309 - Before you... - Yeah. 73 00:02:51,316 --> 00:02:53,228 Okay, we don't need to get into the nitty-gritty 74 00:02:53,235 --> 00:02:55,569 of Dunkaroos' corporate history or whatever. 75 00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:59,573 I would just love to return this product please. 76 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,648 Yeah, you can't return stuff at a bodega. 77 00:03:05,259 --> 00:03:07,689 Okay, well then I will please take store credit. 78 00:03:10,870 --> 00:03:12,999 [SIGHS] You can return them 79 00:03:13,006 --> 00:03:14,975 if you can tell me my name. 80 00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:19,860 Yeah, of course. 81 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:23,558 Your name is Bo... 82 00:03:23,565 --> 00:03:25,799 Dega? You think my name is Bodega? 83 00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:28,735 - Oh, my God... No! - I was gonna say 84 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,904 Bo... dine. 85 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:33,006 That's not a name. It is so. 86 00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:34,981 My favorite aunt's name is Bodine. 87 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:41,081 You know, very irresponsible. 88 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,923 That you sell expired products knowingly. 89 00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,027 Bye, Abbi. 90 00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:53,093 [SNORING] 91 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,829 [SHOUTING] Get up, it's time for work! 92 00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:57,931 - Where you going? - To brush my teeth! 93 00:03:57,937 --> 00:04:00,233 - Well, what're you gonna wear? - Scrubs? 94 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,538 Can you show me the dimensions of your armoire? 95 00:04:02,545 --> 00:04:04,247 What? Just do it! 96 00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:10,777 [GIGGLING] 97 00:04:10,783 --> 00:04:13,300 What? 98 00:04:14,654 --> 00:04:17,250 - Aw! - [LAUGHING] 99 00:04:17,256 --> 00:04:20,253 [SCREAMS] 100 00:04:20,259 --> 00:04:22,789 Oh, my God! 101 00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:24,691 You look so good together! 102 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:28,595 Nailed it! Nailed it! 103 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,999 You know, I always thought of being a dog uncle. 104 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,536 Coming in and out of the dog's life, 105 00:04:33,543 --> 00:04:36,770 all about fun and games and treats and toys. 106 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:40,007 Being a dog dad is different. It's a lot of responsibility. 107 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:43,143 That's a big choice to make for another person, Ilana. 108 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,545 You know what's also a big choice? 109 00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:46,947 Killing a dog, and that's what 110 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,782 was gonna happen to her today. 111 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:49,916 But, you know, I get it. 112 00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:53,153 If you feel a six-figure salary isn't enough to support a tiny dog... 113 00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,756 - No, no, no, God, no! - 'Cause I can take her back. 114 00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,091 She's precious and beautiful. I love her. 115 00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,658 How long was the dog in the box? 116 00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:07,701 Whew, good haul! Oh, thanks. 117 00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:10,900 I don't, like, need... need this. This is just for, like, extra cash. 118 00:05:10,907 --> 00:05:13,140 - 'Cause I'm actually an artist. - Me too. 119 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,710 Showing in New York and London right now. 120 00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:18,979 Gotcha. Wow, I'm showing... 121 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,048 in the... one of the most prestigious 122 00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:24,184 chiropractor's offices in the Village. 123 00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,752 - [MACHINE BEEPING] - Oh, can time! 124 00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,160 Okay. 125 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:32,192 - Thank you, brudder. - Sure. 126 00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,027 So... got you a gift. 127 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,063 Oh, my God. That's an iPad. 128 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,875 - Yes. - Thank you so... much, um... 129 00:05:38,882 --> 00:05:41,234 Wait, why is it not in a box? 130 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,770 - It's refurbished. - It is? 131 00:05:43,776 --> 00:05:45,005 Yeah, it's like brand new. 132 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,640 Except not. 133 00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,743 No, I mean, look. One could make the argument 134 00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:53,080 that if you give a gift, it should be brand new. 135 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:56,950 You know, I just gave you $400 worth of almost-new iPad. 136 00:05:56,956 --> 00:06:00,061 No, you're right. Thank you. I'll... I'll just wipe it clean. 137 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:02,136 Now, you gotta get out of here because Abbi's coming 138 00:06:02,143 --> 00:06:04,257 and I want her to think she's the only person getting a gift today. 139 00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,790 Is hers new? 140 00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,928 Get out of here. Go! 141 00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:09,663 Oh, my God, here she is. Go, go, go, go, go! 142 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:10,964 Hide your face! 143 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:12,099 [SIGHS] I love money. 144 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,172 (bleep)! 145 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:18,071 - People are so rude. - Disgusting. 146 00:06:18,077 --> 00:06:20,040 I'm really sorry I'm late. 147 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,242 My train karma is at an all-time low, 148 00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:24,244 as is my general karma. 149 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,079 - I really need a job. - Mm-hmm. 150 00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:27,627 Maybe I just need to aim low. 151 00:06:27,634 --> 00:06:31,051 - Like maybe Forever 21? - [GROANS] 152 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,886 Or that shitty coffee shop on Avenue A? 153 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,222 - Love that place. - Or Barnes and Noble, maybe? 154 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,891 How many dumps have I taken at Barnes and Noble? 155 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,359 Well, that's a solid list. 156 00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:41,230 And I got just the thing to seal the deal. 157 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,138 - Ilana. - For you. 158 00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:49,403 - No... - Yes! 159 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,038 Are you kidding me? 160 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:53,807 This is that fancy bag we saw in the window. 161 00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:56,810 Yep. I have been making so much freakin' "caysh," 162 00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,745 and having so much fun spending it on myself. 163 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,114 But now that I am old money, I gotta start giving it away. 164 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,316 - How much was this? - [CLEARS THROAT] 165 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:06,753 Was it more than the blue dress? 166 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:07,854 Was it more than an ounce? 167 00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:09,823 Stop stressing about it. 168 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:11,191 Ilana, was it more than my rent? 169 00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,402 - [CLEARS THROAT] - Times two. 170 00:07:12,409 --> 00:07:14,294 What? I mi... I can't keep this. 171 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,930 - You have to take it back. - Absolutely not. 172 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,332 I seriously believe in you, Abbi. 173 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,300 And you have to dress for success. 174 00:07:20,306 --> 00:07:22,369 You need to look how you feel. 175 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,137 I feel like I spent two hours this morning 176 00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:26,840 recycling bottles and cans for $4.15. 177 00:07:26,846 --> 00:07:28,775 Yows... all right. 178 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,313 Well, now, you can feel like 179 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,039 you wear two month's rent around your body. 180 00:07:32,046 --> 00:07:34,848 Everyone is gonna see how freakin' hot you are today 181 00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:37,184 including you, okay? 182 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:40,253 Go get 'em, tiger. I'm gonna go be Santa to one last sweet, little elf. 183 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:42,422 All right. Thanks, Ilana. 184 00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,091 I owe you one. I'll see you later. 185 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,765 - Love ya. - Love you too. 186 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,169 ?? 187 00:07:51,337 --> 00:07:52,466 Jaim�... 188 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,735 Himmelz! 189 00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:58,205 I have a gift for my little Guatemalan coffee bean, 190 00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:01,942 and you will never guess what it is... 191 00:08:01,948 --> 00:08:05,479 Jaim�? Jaim�? 192 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,078 Himmelz? 193 00:08:08,085 --> 00:08:09,836 - Jaim�, what happened? - [SHOWER RUNNING] 194 00:08:09,843 --> 00:08:11,151 Don't you see? 195 00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,352 What? No! 196 00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:13,820 Look at yourself. 197 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:15,756 Jaim�, what're you saying? 198 00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,891 We have bed bugs! 199 00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:19,432 [JAIM� SOBBING] 200 00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:30,327 No! 201 00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:32,356 . 202 00:08:32,362 --> 00:08:35,098 ?? 203 00:08:48,712 --> 00:08:50,307 ? This life is what you make of it ? 204 00:08:50,313 --> 00:08:51,842 ? So we're gonna make it up 205 00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:55,212 ? Make it up as we go 206 00:08:55,218 --> 00:08:56,747 ? When I'm in the sunshine... ? 207 00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,148 Thank you! 208 00:08:58,154 --> 00:08:59,617 ? That goes wherever I go 209 00:08:59,623 --> 00:09:00,851 ? Oh! 210 00:09:00,857 --> 00:09:02,786 ? So take your time 211 00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,623 ? There's always tomorrow 212 00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:09,293 ? Let's live for today 213 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:13,297 ? Ay-ay-ay, ay-ay-ay-ay... ? 214 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:14,765 Ew! 215 00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,200 It's about the bag. 216 00:09:16,206 --> 00:09:18,536 Love that bag. 217 00:09:18,542 --> 00:09:20,704 Oh... well, then have at it! 218 00:09:20,710 --> 00:09:22,773 ? Ay-ay-ay-ay ? 219 00:09:22,779 --> 00:09:24,375 [ILANA] Oh, God! 220 00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,877 People like us don't get bed bugs! 221 00:09:26,883 --> 00:09:29,480 Yes, we can. Because we do. 222 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,549 Well, I've been really careful about who I'm with 223 00:09:31,555 --> 00:09:33,717 and where I sit, so where do you think you got them? 224 00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:35,771 Oh, that's rich, okay? 225 00:09:35,778 --> 00:09:38,823 I've been going through a dry spell ever since I cut off my peepee. 226 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,758 I haven't slept with anybody for two months. 227 00:09:40,764 --> 00:09:42,326 We got this from "jou," lady. 228 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,328 - Jew lady? - You! You! 229 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:46,497 Well, I am in a relationship so I'm safe. 230 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:48,603 Okay, then maybe we got them from Abbi. 231 00:09:48,610 --> 00:09:50,601 [GASPS] Don't you dare bring her into this! 232 00:09:50,607 --> 00:09:52,503 I went too far. 233 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,849 Have you been using protection? 234 00:09:53,856 --> 00:09:55,472 What are we even talking about now? 235 00:09:55,478 --> 00:09:57,741 A mattress protector. 236 00:09:57,747 --> 00:10:00,544 Tell me you got a mattress protector. 237 00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:02,613 Yes. 238 00:10:02,619 --> 00:10:03,881 Y-yes. 239 00:10:03,887 --> 00:10:06,417 You lying. You are a liar! 240 00:10:06,423 --> 00:10:07,818 - Mattress protector! - [SCREAMS] 241 00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:10,760 ?? 242 00:10:13,897 --> 00:10:15,198 Anthro... 243 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,334 ? I'm crowded in the street 244 00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:28,372 ? Feeling like I'm floating on the air ? 245 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,709 ? Closer as we speak 246 00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:34,712 ? I spent the morning here 247 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:38,282 ? I know you're somewhere over there ?? 248 00:10:38,288 --> 00:10:42,653 Baby's got a brand new bag. 249 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,870 - Excuse me. - Hi, how may I help you? 250 00:10:44,877 --> 00:10:47,858 Can I please speak to the manager? 251 00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:50,227 Absolutely. Follow me. 252 00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,731 ?? 253 00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,038 God, maybe I could've (bleep) less people 254 00:10:56,045 --> 00:10:58,736 before I got back together with Lincoln. Those people were filthy. 255 00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,075 No, I could've been more careful. 256 00:11:00,082 --> 00:11:01,761 [JAIM�] I always sit on the wooden benches 257 00:11:01,768 --> 00:11:04,542 in the subway platform even though I know that they are carriers. 258 00:11:04,548 --> 00:11:06,045 I just love the way the wood feels. 259 00:11:06,052 --> 00:11:08,913 You know, it's easy to blame yourselves but it's not your fault. 260 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,414 Bed bugs don't discriminate. 261 00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,349 I once saw these suckers take out 262 00:11:12,355 --> 00:11:13,918 the Metropolitan Opera House. 263 00:11:13,924 --> 00:11:16,420 What if we got rid of our clothes and our possessions? 264 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,622 And what if we promised to learn how to pray? 265 00:11:18,628 --> 00:11:21,625 - Or we could move? - No, no, no, no. 266 00:11:21,631 --> 00:11:24,428 You don't treat the apartment and move and the city finds out, 267 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,297 you're looking at ten years to life. 268 00:11:26,303 --> 00:11:27,911 - Jesus Christ. - Puta madre! 269 00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:30,301 You live in New York City five years, you got bed bugs. 270 00:11:30,307 --> 00:11:31,769 Well, I do have some good news. 271 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:32,970 I found the source. 272 00:11:32,976 --> 00:11:35,982 This moist, dark paper right here. 273 00:11:35,989 --> 00:11:38,118 That's where they first laid their eggs. 274 00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:39,577 [SOBBING] No, no! 275 00:11:39,583 --> 00:11:41,779 Yeah, we're gonna have to burn all this. 276 00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,480 On what? Booze? Hookers? 277 00:11:43,486 --> 00:11:45,256 I meant literally burn it. 278 00:11:45,263 --> 00:11:47,092 Isn't that illegal under federal law? 279 00:11:47,234 --> 00:11:48,563 When it comes to bed bugs, 280 00:11:48,569 --> 00:11:50,632 it's illegal not to burn infested cash. 281 00:11:50,638 --> 00:11:52,401 Why couldn't we have just gotten herpes? 282 00:11:52,408 --> 00:11:54,102 Then we could at least keep all our stuff 283 00:11:54,108 --> 00:11:56,312 and I could've just learned to use concealer. 284 00:11:56,319 --> 00:11:58,015 I can't guarantee that I can get 'em out. 285 00:11:58,022 --> 00:11:59,580 However, I can guarantee that I can't. 286 00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:02,912 You heard me. 287 00:12:04,118 --> 00:12:06,281 Yeah, so actually, the flagship Anthropologie 288 00:12:06,287 --> 00:12:07,362 was in my hometown. 289 00:12:07,369 --> 00:12:09,641 No disrespect, Lisa, but I probably knew 290 00:12:09,648 --> 00:12:11,184 about Anthropologie before you did. 291 00:12:11,191 --> 00:12:13,321 Well, I didn't even know where the first one was. 292 00:12:13,327 --> 00:12:16,658 Fun fact, there was actually a coffee shop inside. 293 00:12:16,664 --> 00:12:17,792 We should bring that back. 294 00:12:17,798 --> 00:12:19,727 Yeah, you should. 295 00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:21,562 So you were a fitness trainer? 296 00:12:21,568 --> 00:12:23,323 It's actually an amazing story. 297 00:12:23,330 --> 00:12:25,266 - Mm-hmm. - I was a trainer. 298 00:12:25,272 --> 00:12:27,635 But I started at the company as a cleaner. 299 00:12:27,641 --> 00:12:29,170 A janitor at the gym. 300 00:12:29,176 --> 00:12:31,739 I turned a shitty job 301 00:12:31,745 --> 00:12:33,641 into a "fitty" job. 302 00:12:33,647 --> 00:12:34,809 [BOTH LAUGHING] 303 00:12:34,815 --> 00:12:36,778 Because, Lisa, I had a plan of attack 304 00:12:36,784 --> 00:12:38,613 and I climbed that corporate ladder. 305 00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:40,748 I often see things other people don't. 306 00:12:40,754 --> 00:12:43,351 It's a skill of anticipation. 307 00:12:43,357 --> 00:12:45,320 You know? And that's exactly what I did, Lisa. 308 00:12:45,326 --> 00:12:48,156 That's exactly what I did. 309 00:12:48,162 --> 00:12:50,191 [EXHALES] 310 00:12:50,197 --> 00:12:53,171 Well, that is how you nail an interview. 311 00:12:53,178 --> 00:12:54,892 - Oh, stop it. - I mean, I have to talk 312 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,597 to the higher-ups, but I know you'll be 313 00:12:56,603 --> 00:12:59,400 a valuable addition to the Anthro family. 314 00:12:59,406 --> 00:13:01,102 Wow. 315 00:13:01,108 --> 00:13:02,176 Great. 316 00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:07,198 [PHONE RINGING] 317 00:13:07,205 --> 00:13:09,657 - [MARCEL ON PHONE] Sushi Mambeaux. - Marcel, hey, it's Ilana. 318 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,128 I can't believe I'm about to say this but... 319 00:13:11,135 --> 00:13:13,181 - You have bed bugs. - How'd you know? 320 00:13:13,188 --> 00:13:16,160 Because Brenda was using Sushi Mambeaux 321 00:13:16,190 --> 00:13:18,386 - as her own personal hussy hut. - What? 322 00:13:18,392 --> 00:13:20,655 Clean out your ears, other Tanya. 323 00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:22,757 Brenda was running a prostitution ring 324 00:13:22,763 --> 00:13:24,792 out of Sushi Mambeaux after hours. 325 00:13:24,798 --> 00:13:26,327 She brought in bed bugs 326 00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:27,862 and who in the heck knows what else. 327 00:13:27,868 --> 00:13:31,766 So we are closed for fumigation indefinitely. 328 00:13:31,772 --> 00:13:33,334 Well, what about my job? 329 00:13:33,340 --> 00:13:35,236 Child, I hope you put your cash in the bank 330 00:13:35,242 --> 00:13:36,871 and made yourself a little breast egg 331 00:13:36,877 --> 00:13:38,906 'cause who knows if we'll bounce back. 332 00:13:38,912 --> 00:13:40,475 Well, where are you gonna go? 333 00:13:40,481 --> 00:13:44,178 I'm gonna go wherever I can be the best father 334 00:13:44,184 --> 00:13:45,346 to my only son. 335 00:13:45,352 --> 00:13:48,216 Well, my son. 336 00:13:48,222 --> 00:13:50,618 - Toodles! - But... 337 00:13:50,624 --> 00:13:52,326 (bleep)! 338 00:14:01,368 --> 00:14:04,866 ?? 339 00:14:04,872 --> 00:14:06,701 I guess this is our lives now. 340 00:14:06,707 --> 00:14:07,902 We have bed bugs. 341 00:14:07,908 --> 00:14:10,371 We are fully (bleep) by bed bugs. 342 00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:12,874 Us and all our marks. 343 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,376 You have it a lot worse than I do. 344 00:14:15,382 --> 00:14:17,845 It's 'cause I'm sweeter. 345 00:14:17,851 --> 00:14:19,314 What are we gonna do? 346 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,250 I'm calling Abbi. 347 00:14:22,256 --> 00:14:25,192 ?? 348 00:14:27,828 --> 00:14:29,958 [WHISPERING] Shit. 349 00:14:29,964 --> 00:14:32,399 Oh my God. 350 00:14:33,734 --> 00:14:34,967 Nice purse. 351 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:39,642 In here! 352 00:14:39,648 --> 00:14:42,111 - Hey... - Shut up! Go! 353 00:14:42,117 --> 00:14:44,347 Hey, hey, hey. Bodine. Bodine, hey! 354 00:14:44,353 --> 00:14:46,258 - Bodine, please! Just... - [PHONE BEEPING] 355 00:14:46,265 --> 00:14:49,367 - Bodine... - [PHONE BEEPING] 356 00:14:49,374 --> 00:14:50,652 All right, withdraw the money. 357 00:14:50,659 --> 00:14:52,082 - All right. - Before she gets back. 358 00:14:52,089 --> 00:14:53,689 All right, all right. 359 00:14:53,695 --> 00:14:55,792 Okay, can you just look away for a second please? 360 00:14:55,798 --> 00:14:57,994 What for? M-my PIN, I just... 361 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,763 - Oh, my God. I'm mugging you, bitch! - Okay, okay. 362 00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,031 [ATM BEEPING] 363 00:15:02,037 --> 00:15:04,100 Oh, let me guess. Were you born in 1-9-88? 364 00:15:04,106 --> 00:15:06,421 Jesus. Good PIN. 365 00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:11,474 Okay, you know what? I don't usually have a gun pointed at me, bitch. 366 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,845 I have a license to carry this. Do you wanna see my permit? 367 00:15:13,852 --> 00:15:15,370 - No. - You wanna see it? 368 00:15:15,377 --> 00:15:17,547 No, I didn't think so. Go to your (bleep) balance now. 369 00:15:17,553 --> 00:15:18,981 - Come on! - I'm not doing very well right now. 370 00:15:18,987 --> 00:15:20,385 - Do it! - Okay, okay! 371 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,023 Oh, my God. Is this a joke? 372 00:15:27,029 --> 00:15:28,691 No, I'm having a rough time right now. 373 00:15:28,698 --> 00:15:30,010 [SIGHS] Let me see your savings. 374 00:15:30,017 --> 00:15:31,594 I cancelled it 'cause it was costing me 375 00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,727 like six bucks a month and that wasn't really doing me 376 00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:36,666 - any good, so... - That's your total equity? 377 00:15:36,672 --> 00:15:39,275 $374? Are you kidding me? 378 00:15:39,282 --> 00:15:41,576 You gotta keep more money in your bank account than that! 379 00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:43,440 - No, I know. - What if there's an emergency? 380 00:15:43,447 --> 00:15:45,992 What if the economy all of a sudden tanks? What're you gonna do? 381 00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:47,601 - I'm not sure. - Wow. 382 00:15:47,608 --> 00:15:50,352 You're giving me advice? You're mugging me right now so... 383 00:15:52,653 --> 00:15:54,317 At least I'm proactive about my finances. 384 00:15:54,324 --> 00:15:55,617 [SCOFFS] And, look. 385 00:15:55,624 --> 00:15:57,771 You clearly are living beyond your means. 386 00:15:57,778 --> 00:15:59,072 Can you afford that bag? 387 00:15:59,079 --> 00:16:01,240 This was a gift from a very wealthy friend. 388 00:16:01,247 --> 00:16:03,559 That's too expensive for you. Give me that. 389 00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:05,640 [MASSOUMA] Get out of my bodega, mother(bleep). 390 00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:08,998 [GUN COCKS] 391 00:16:09,660 --> 00:16:12,062 Holy shit. 392 00:16:13,271 --> 00:16:15,974 Oh, my God. Thank you so much. 393 00:16:18,747 --> 00:16:21,477 Maybe you could've gotten the bag and the money. 394 00:16:21,483 --> 00:16:23,685 Maybe you could've remembered my name. 395 00:16:25,754 --> 00:16:27,116 That's fair. 396 00:16:27,122 --> 00:16:29,685 Hey, I have full-on bed bugs. 397 00:16:29,691 --> 00:16:30,753 Can I come over? 398 00:16:30,759 --> 00:16:32,327 Ugh, Ilana, no. That's how it spreads. 399 00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:34,330 Plus, if I got bed bugs from my sister 400 00:16:34,336 --> 00:16:35,364 what would people think? 401 00:16:35,370 --> 00:16:37,300 You are so afraid of incest. 402 00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:39,071 You need to talk about that in therapy. 403 00:16:40,509 --> 00:16:42,772 Yes, of course, come home for the weekend, sweetheart. 404 00:16:42,778 --> 00:16:44,340 That'd be wonderful. You know what? 405 00:16:44,346 --> 00:16:47,310 We'll go do nails, then bags, then maybe... 406 00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:49,779 Well, uh, Mom, I am gonna need complete access 407 00:16:49,785 --> 00:16:52,315 to the washer and dryer because I'm gonna bring every item 408 00:16:52,321 --> 00:16:54,584 of clothing home that I own and, to be honest, 409 00:16:54,590 --> 00:16:56,483 most of the time I'm gonna be in the shower 410 00:16:56,490 --> 00:16:58,554 scrubbing the bed bugs from my hair and body. 411 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,256 You haven't been home in months 412 00:17:00,262 --> 00:17:02,506 and now you get bed bugs and you wanna bring 'em here? 413 00:17:02,513 --> 00:17:04,827 No, no, no. (Bleep) you. 414 00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:07,463 So I thought maybe we could play with the puppy, 415 00:17:07,469 --> 00:17:09,465 watch a little movie, make some dinner. 416 00:17:09,471 --> 00:17:11,868 I'll give you really rigorous head... 417 00:17:11,874 --> 00:17:13,803 I'm with that... right after I take 418 00:17:13,809 --> 00:17:16,806 a shower 'cause I have, um, bed... bed bugs. 419 00:17:16,866 --> 00:17:18,441 What? No! 420 00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:21,344 Come on, Lincoln, my family's turned me away. 421 00:17:21,350 --> 00:17:23,479 I really need you, my boyfriend, right now. 422 00:17:23,485 --> 00:17:26,716 And I just happen to be... right outside your building. 423 00:17:26,722 --> 00:17:29,418 Come on, Lincoln. 424 00:17:29,424 --> 00:17:31,621 Sorry, Ilana, I can't let you in. 425 00:17:31,627 --> 00:17:32,955 I'm a dad now. 426 00:17:32,961 --> 00:17:34,457 Sticky's health is my first priority. 427 00:17:34,463 --> 00:17:36,592 - You named her? - Yeah, Sticky. 428 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:39,362 - Like sticky rice. - Sticky rice. 429 00:17:39,368 --> 00:17:41,964 - It's my favorite type of rice. - That's so cute it hurts. 430 00:17:41,970 --> 00:17:44,300 Listen, I'm sorry I can't help, Ilana. 431 00:17:44,306 --> 00:17:46,809 - I'll call you tomorrow. Good luck. - Love you. 432 00:17:48,510 --> 00:17:51,507 I just wanna smush you and eat you up! 433 00:17:51,513 --> 00:17:53,849 Ugh, I'm turning into my mother. 434 00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,679 [MASSOUMA] Bodegas save lives. 435 00:17:56,685 --> 00:17:58,714 Me and my family, we take that responsibility 436 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,384 like, really seriously, and we have a permit, 437 00:18:01,390 --> 00:18:04,520 - We know our Second Amendment rights. - Right, Second Amendment. 438 00:18:04,526 --> 00:18:07,657 - That's the gun one. - I mean, I was born here 439 00:18:07,663 --> 00:18:10,084 but I helped my parents study for their citizenship. 440 00:18:10,091 --> 00:18:12,562 So I know the Constitution like the back of my hand. 441 00:18:12,568 --> 00:18:14,864 Yeah, no, me too. 442 00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:17,667 I know it like the back of, like... 443 00:18:17,673 --> 00:18:19,001 my foot. 444 00:18:19,007 --> 00:18:20,536 Never forget it. 445 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,286 'Cause I'm from Philadelphia. 446 00:18:22,293 --> 00:18:24,012 Well, I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia. 447 00:18:24,019 --> 00:18:25,808 But, like, it's like, 40 minutes tops 448 00:18:25,814 --> 00:18:27,877 to the Founding Fathers. 449 00:18:27,883 --> 00:18:29,479 Crackin' that bell, right? 450 00:18:29,485 --> 00:18:32,185 Liberty! Ding-dong... 451 00:18:33,161 --> 00:18:35,485 Well, what I'm really looking forward to 452 00:18:35,491 --> 00:18:37,753 is the 26th Amendment because then I'll actually 453 00:18:37,759 --> 00:18:39,922 get to be part of the conversation, you know? 454 00:18:39,928 --> 00:18:42,592 Totally. Conversation Amendment. 455 00:18:42,598 --> 00:18:44,560 Yeah. 456 00:18:44,566 --> 00:18:46,896 Massouma, I'm sorry that I did not know your name. 457 00:18:46,902 --> 00:18:49,465 I know it now. It was just, like, 458 00:18:49,471 --> 00:18:52,401 we passed a certain point and then I couldn't ask, you know? 459 00:18:52,407 --> 00:18:53,970 I may be a dumb, white bitch, 460 00:18:53,976 --> 00:18:56,405 but I'm not that dumb. 461 00:18:56,411 --> 00:18:58,908 And really, really, I'm not a bitch. 462 00:18:58,914 --> 00:19:00,586 - [CHUCKLES] - [BELL RINGING] 463 00:19:00,593 --> 00:19:01,650 Hey. 464 00:19:01,657 --> 00:19:03,479 Ilana, how did you know that I was here? 465 00:19:03,485 --> 00:19:04,814 Massouma texted me. 466 00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:06,949 You... you have her number? 467 00:19:06,955 --> 00:19:07,984 Oh, yeah, we go way back. 468 00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:11,136 - Do you wanna come inside? - I can't. 469 00:19:11,593 --> 00:19:14,457 I have... bed bugs. 470 00:19:14,463 --> 00:19:15,851 - What? - [GUN COCKS] 471 00:19:15,858 --> 00:19:17,693 Jeez, Massouma. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. 472 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:20,363 - I'm kidding. [LAUGHS] - That's not funny, dude. 473 00:19:20,369 --> 00:19:22,598 - Oh, my... - Abbi, could I come over, dude? 474 00:19:22,604 --> 00:19:24,767 Everyone else has turned me away. 475 00:19:24,773 --> 00:19:27,009 Of course you can come over. You're my best friend. 476 00:19:28,944 --> 00:19:31,108 I mean, I guess this makes me a real New Yorker now. 477 00:19:31,115 --> 00:19:32,475 I mean, he had a gun. 478 00:19:32,481 --> 00:19:34,944 And then, he's ragging on me about my balance? 479 00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:37,079 I'm like, "You're mugging me, bitch." 480 00:19:37,085 --> 00:19:38,948 What a bitch. 481 00:19:38,954 --> 00:19:43,085 That's a real garbage person. Totally. 482 00:19:43,091 --> 00:19:46,046 - Thanks again for having me over. - Of course, obviously. 483 00:19:49,835 --> 00:19:52,665 And that, my friend, is how you 'belt it. 484 00:19:52,979 --> 00:19:54,441 You are a retail queen. 485 00:19:54,448 --> 00:19:55,843 Livin' in it. 486 00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:57,612 Abbi Abrams, Anthro gal. 487 00:19:57,618 --> 00:19:59,580 I do really have a good feeling about this. 488 00:19:59,586 --> 00:20:01,416 Even though the bag was taken... 489 00:20:01,422 --> 00:20:04,018 - Don't! - Which I'm really sorry about. 490 00:20:04,024 --> 00:20:06,754 I am so glad that it came in our lives 491 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:08,523 for such a brief... 492 00:20:08,529 --> 00:20:10,525 but the purpose it served, you know, 493 00:20:10,531 --> 00:20:12,860 I love that the bag was stolen! 494 00:20:12,866 --> 00:20:14,862 - I love it! - And you don't have to 495 00:20:14,868 --> 00:20:16,764 get stuff so crazy, that was a lot. 496 00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:18,666 - It's a lot. - It was, like, a lot of money. 497 00:20:18,672 --> 00:20:20,601 - $1,300. - What? 498 00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:22,870 ?? 499 00:20:22,876 --> 00:20:24,872 Abbi, you look great. 500 00:20:24,878 --> 00:20:26,541 We're so excited to have you on board. 501 00:20:26,547 --> 00:20:28,643 Oh, I'm so excited to be part of the team. 502 00:20:28,649 --> 00:20:31,412 I mean, this is such a great place to work. 503 00:20:31,418 --> 00:20:33,618 I've been looking for something like this. 504 00:20:33,625 --> 00:20:35,087 So I know it's my first day, 505 00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:37,045 but I took the liberty of doing some sketches 506 00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:38,619 of some potential window displays, 507 00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:41,055 pulled some fabrics, and I think that you're 508 00:20:41,061 --> 00:20:44,025 gonna be extremely impressed. 509 00:20:44,031 --> 00:20:46,327 - You can put that on. - Okay, 510 00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:49,430 This is... oh, okay. 511 00:20:49,436 --> 00:20:51,566 Is this, like, a new team look or something? 512 00:20:51,572 --> 00:20:52,834 It seems a little big. 513 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,569 - And here's your walkie. - Okay. 514 00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:56,571 Basically, Sunil is your go-to guy 515 00:20:56,577 --> 00:20:58,473 for any security questions you have. 516 00:20:58,479 --> 00:20:59,807 You're gonna kill it, Abbi. 517 00:20:59,813 --> 00:21:01,482 You rock. 518 00:21:03,384 --> 00:21:05,319 Welcome to the Command Center. 519 00:21:09,276 --> 00:21:11,919 [RADIO CRACKLING] Abbi, you okay? 520 00:21:11,925 --> 00:21:15,923 [RADIO CRACKLING] Yeah, uh, all's clear at the west door. 521 00:21:15,929 --> 00:21:19,927 [RADIO CRACKLING] Do the thing. 522 00:21:19,933 --> 00:21:21,214 [RADIO CRACKLING] Abbi out. 523 00:21:24,397 --> 00:21:27,515 - Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com - 524 00:21:29,710 --> 00:21:32,206 You ever consider sex work? 525 00:21:32,212 --> 00:21:34,342 Like, maybe, like small stuff. 526 00:21:34,348 --> 00:21:36,277 - Hand jobs. - Would they have to see 527 00:21:36,283 --> 00:21:38,503 - anything other than my hand? - No. 528 00:21:38,510 --> 00:21:41,215 I would do that if it was just my hand. 529 00:21:41,221 --> 00:21:43,190 Let me get back to you. Let me get back to you. 530 00:21:44,725 --> 00:21:45,759 [THEME MUSIC] 531 00:21:48,629 --> 00:21:52,259 Get it off of me, get it off of me, what is this? 532 00:21:52,265 --> 00:21:54,972 This is not even my shampoo. Get it off of me! 533 00:21:54,979 --> 00:21:58,023 Hi, my name is Arturo Castro and I play Jaime. 534 00:21:58,030 --> 00:21:59,125 Hello, everybody. 535 00:21:59,131 --> 00:22:00,345 This is the bed bugs episode. 536 00:22:00,352 --> 00:22:02,547 I've just been in the shower with all of my clothes on. 537 00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:05,061 [DIRECTOR] Alright, let's start the water and let's roll sound. 538 00:22:05,068 --> 00:22:07,220 Hoo! Okay baby! 539 00:22:07,940 --> 00:22:10,070 We have bedbugs! 540 00:22:10,076 --> 00:22:11,905 [SCREAMS] 541 00:22:11,911 --> 00:22:14,774 Directing Hannibal, Arturo and Abbi, to me, 542 00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:16,776 if I'm not in the scene, it's so much fun 543 00:22:16,782 --> 00:22:20,438 and it's just play. It's just so fun and play. 544 00:22:20,445 --> 00:22:23,131 But being in the scene, I felt very self-conscious 545 00:22:23,138 --> 00:22:25,837 because you can't even filter your thoughts. 546 00:22:25,844 --> 00:22:28,754 You're like, I felt like I was like, totally dude, 547 00:22:28,761 --> 00:22:30,590 okay, let me just do it again, totally dude. 548 00:22:30,597 --> 00:22:31,975 Okay now I want you to like turn toward me. 549 00:22:31,982 --> 00:22:34,227 And it's just, you seem like a crazy person. 550 00:22:34,233 --> 00:22:36,901 Great, well I want you to do one more like smaller. 551 00:22:36,908 --> 00:22:38,965 Maybe we got them from Abbi! 552 00:22:38,971 --> 00:22:40,627 Don't you dare bring her into this! 553 00:22:40,634 --> 00:22:42,769 This is the first season I think you see them 554 00:22:42,775 --> 00:22:44,571 actually get in an argument over the bedbugs. 555 00:22:44,577 --> 00:22:46,673 That was like an overnight, and just him and me 556 00:22:46,679 --> 00:22:49,075 scene after scene after scene and I went nuts. 557 00:22:49,081 --> 00:22:51,578 I was like a maniacal monster. 558 00:22:51,584 --> 00:22:54,421 - Well, it was the right vibe. - Get out, fucking dog! 559 00:22:54,428 --> 00:22:57,017 - Are you? I'm not! - Fucking rat! 560 00:22:57,023 --> 00:22:59,252 And it's really exciting because even when they're 561 00:22:59,258 --> 00:23:01,188 fighting, they're still fighting as really 562 00:23:01,194 --> 00:23:03,123 like family, you know what I mean? 563 00:23:03,129 --> 00:23:05,492 Until you mention Abbi and then you get a slap in the face. 564 00:23:05,498 --> 00:23:07,527 I might have gone too far! 565 00:23:07,533 --> 00:23:09,846 Broad City was my first big gig, you know? 566 00:23:09,853 --> 00:23:12,065 And after that, other stuff has come but like, 567 00:23:12,071 --> 00:23:15,268 I haven't found the sense of family or a sense of belonging like I do here, 568 00:23:15,274 --> 00:23:16,844 you know what I mean? I don't know, man. 569 00:23:16,851 --> 00:23:18,772 I feel like the luckiest man in the world, you know? 570 00:23:18,778 --> 00:23:21,107 Kill me now, just fucking do it! 571 00:23:21,113 --> 00:23:22,644 Just kill me! [SPITS] 572 00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:23,890 Just kill me now. 573 00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:27,013 [THEME MUSIC OUTRO] 574 00:23:27,063 --> 00:23:31,613 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42014

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