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1
00:00:00,561 --> 00:00:03,998
Ugh! God, it's so ridiculous
that we can't, like,
2
00:00:04,031 --> 00:00:05,332
control the heat in our own apartment.
3
00:00:05,366 --> 00:00:07,067
It's like, we're old enough to drink,
4
00:00:07,101 --> 00:00:09,670
we're old enough to chaperone
a high school dance, to vote.
5
00:00:09,703 --> 00:00:10,871
Like that did (bleep) anything.
6
00:00:10,904 --> 00:00:12,840
But to control your own temperature, no.
7
00:00:12,873 --> 00:00:15,676
Some crazy landlord in
the sky gets to do that.
8
00:00:15,709 --> 00:00:17,778
And I was this close
to being able to afford
9
00:00:17,811 --> 00:00:20,614
the Hot Dream Q20-X space heater.
10
00:00:20,648 --> 00:00:22,182
It's the one that Drew Barrymore uses.
11
00:00:22,216 --> 00:00:24,118
Do you, like, get her credit
card statements or something?
12
00:00:24,151 --> 00:00:26,620
I think she's got great taste,
and, like, a pixie spirit.
13
00:00:26,654 --> 00:00:28,455
Dude, just let me buy it for you.
14
00:00:28,489 --> 00:00:29,556
I'm a waitress.
15
00:00:29,590 --> 00:00:31,525
I am for real rich, not (bleep) rich.
16
00:00:31,558 --> 00:00:33,360
No, I don't want you to buy it for me.
17
00:00:33,394 --> 00:00:35,929
I should be able to buy
this stuff for myself.
18
00:00:35,963 --> 00:00:37,965
I mean, it's just hard
right now without a job.
19
00:00:37,998 --> 00:00:39,533
I'm a little hard right now.
20
00:00:42,136 --> 00:00:43,437
Okay.
21
00:00:45,839 --> 00:00:48,075
Oh, my God, when were you gonna tell me?
22
00:00:48,108 --> 00:00:49,076
About what?
23
00:00:49,109 --> 00:00:51,211
About this, Abigail.
24
00:00:51,245 --> 00:00:53,714
The most powerful
moment in a woman's life:
25
00:00:53,747 --> 00:00:54,882
Your first gray hair!
26
00:00:54,915 --> 00:00:56,884
No, is it... Oh, my gosh! No, no, no!
27
00:00:56,917 --> 00:00:58,786
- Yas, rejoice, yas, yas!
- No!
28
00:00:58,819 --> 00:01:00,688
I'm not rejoicing, I'm freaking out!
29
00:01:00,721 --> 00:01:01,989
What happened? You guys okay?
30
00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:03,691
Dude, aren't you freezing?
31
00:01:03,724 --> 00:01:05,526
No, I was snuggled under a blanket.
32
00:01:05,559 --> 00:01:06,727
What's going on?
33
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,195
Dude, Abi got her first gray hair.
34
00:01:08,228 --> 00:01:10,197
I'm full-on flooding with envy.
35
00:01:10,230 --> 00:01:11,765
Well, you can have it if you want it.
36
00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:13,634
God, I wish it were that simple.
37
00:01:13,667 --> 00:01:15,869
Don't you see? You're becoming a witch.
38
00:01:15,903 --> 00:01:18,672
A dope and powerful (bleep) witch.
39
00:01:18,706 --> 00:01:19,974
Like Dame Judi Dench.
40
00:01:20,007 --> 00:01:23,110
And Stacey London from "What
Not to Wear" before you.
41
00:01:23,143 --> 00:01:24,211
You're ascending.
42
00:01:24,244 --> 00:01:25,679
Witches aren't real, you guys.
43
00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:28,115
(both laughing)
44
00:01:28,148 --> 00:01:30,384
Uh, okay.
45
00:01:30,417 --> 00:01:33,220
Wow. What do you think this is all...
What do you think is happening here?
46
00:01:33,253 --> 00:01:37,424
You think this is all
just literal stuff?
47
00:01:37,458 --> 00:01:40,661
Dude, if witches aren't real,
then who makes all the kombucha?
48
00:01:40,694 --> 00:01:43,364
And where do scarves
come from? Scarf tree?
49
00:01:43,397 --> 00:01:45,532
There's people that
knit all over the place.
50
00:01:45,566 --> 00:01:47,034
You are magical.
51
00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:50,938
It's a swirling chasm of magic.
52
00:01:50,971 --> 00:01:54,241
Okay, I just thought that by
the time I'd have gray hair,
53
00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:55,876
I'd have... I don't know,
54
00:01:55,909 --> 00:01:58,445
a MacArthur Genius Grant or
at least be posting pictures
55
00:01:58,479 --> 00:02:01,148
of "akai" bowls on my Instagram account.
56
00:02:01,181 --> 00:02:02,249
Acai.
57
00:02:02,283 --> 00:02:03,284
Whatever.
58
00:02:03,317 --> 00:02:06,487
Well, where am I now? Nowhere.
59
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,022
I mean, what do I have? Nothing.
60
00:02:08,055 --> 00:02:09,857
You have a gray hair on your head.
61
00:02:09,890 --> 00:02:11,625
He's right. That's something.
62
00:02:11,659 --> 00:02:13,260
First of all, I don't like
what's going on with you two.
63
00:02:13,294 --> 00:02:14,662
But you know what?
64
00:02:14,695 --> 00:02:17,231
I'm gonna take my life
into my own hands right now.
65
00:02:17,264 --> 00:02:20,467
I am gonna buy that Drew
Barrymore space heater
66
00:02:20,501 --> 00:02:23,137
with my money that I
make selling my artwork.
67
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:24,705
Double, double, toil and trouble,
68
00:02:24,738 --> 00:02:26,707
fire burn and cauldron bubble, bitch!
69
00:02:26,740 --> 00:02:27,975
Oh, my God, I totally forgot!
70
00:02:28,008 --> 00:02:30,210
I have 250 handmade Christmas cards
71
00:02:30,244 --> 00:02:32,313
that I was planning on
sending my 250 camp friends.
72
00:02:32,346 --> 00:02:33,714
250 camp friends?
73
00:02:33,747 --> 00:02:35,616
But not anymore. I am selling 'em.
74
00:02:35,649 --> 00:02:37,017
You know what?
75
00:02:37,051 --> 00:02:39,353
I am gonna set up my table at the Met.
76
00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:40,421
Ooh, yes!
77
00:02:40,454 --> 00:02:41,522
(Abbi) This is perfect.
78
00:02:41,555 --> 00:02:42,623
Can you set up with me?
79
00:02:42,656 --> 00:02:43,891
Uh, totally.
80
00:02:43,924 --> 00:02:46,226
I just have to meet up
with my dad for pedicures.
81
00:02:46,260 --> 00:02:47,895
Oh, I thought that
you said that you were
82
00:02:47,928 --> 00:02:49,363
doing the ice skating
with your mom today.
83
00:02:49,396 --> 00:02:52,199
Whole... family day planned.
84
00:02:52,232 --> 00:02:53,934
I just gotta make sure
that I find the time
85
00:02:53,968 --> 00:02:57,504
for a powerful genital sneeze, or four.
86
00:02:57,538 --> 00:02:59,473
'Cause I'm a cum kween!
87
00:02:59,506 --> 00:03:01,408
I just have to come sometimes.
88
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,944
Like today, so (bleep)
much, so maybe you guys
89
00:03:03,978 --> 00:03:06,677
can get the (bleep) out so
I can jerk off real quick.
90
00:03:08,182 --> 00:03:09,550
- What?
- What?
91
00:03:09,583 --> 00:03:11,385
I'm okay.
92
00:03:11,418 --> 00:03:12,353
I'm okay.
93
00:03:13,587 --> 00:03:15,556
Am I allowed to behave that way?
94
00:03:15,589 --> 00:03:18,125
? Four and three
and two and one one ?
95
00:03:19,159 --> 00:03:22,271
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
96
00:03:22,574 --> 00:03:24,646
_
97
00:03:24,681 --> 00:03:26,567
(Ilana shivering)
98
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,801
Knish, k'witch?
99
00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:29,670
Uh, yes, please.
100
00:03:29,703 --> 00:03:31,171
Ooh! So much better.
101
00:03:31,205 --> 00:03:33,107
I think it's warmer out here
than it is in my apartment.
102
00:03:33,140 --> 00:03:34,775
I can finally feel my toes.
103
00:03:34,808 --> 00:03:36,510
Yeah, I love these knishes,
104
00:03:36,543 --> 00:03:39,483
all pressed up on me and that
heat, you feel that steam.
105
00:03:39,513 --> 00:03:41,849
So how much do you have to
sell to get that space heater?
106
00:03:41,882 --> 00:03:44,452
Well, with the BB&B coupon,
it comes to, like, 69 bucks...
107
00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:45,987
Oh, horny number!
108
00:03:46,020 --> 00:03:48,489
Ooh, yowza, love it!
109
00:03:48,522 --> 00:03:49,724
All right.
110
00:03:49,757 --> 00:03:51,158
Gotta run to my, uh, hair appointment.
111
00:03:51,192 --> 00:03:52,326
Uh, nice to see you.
112
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:53,728
I thought you said you
were getting pedicures
113
00:03:53,761 --> 00:03:55,563
and going ice skating with your parents.
114
00:03:55,596 --> 00:03:59,634
Yes, and... and then
haircuts, with Eliot.
115
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,969
It's kinda like the
Wexlers Take Manhattan.
116
00:04:02,003 --> 00:04:03,871
We actually call it that.
117
00:04:03,904 --> 00:04:06,140
- It's cute.
- Yeah. Totally.
118
00:04:06,173 --> 00:04:07,775
Hey, new blood.
119
00:04:07,808 --> 00:04:09,076
Welcome to the steps.
120
00:04:09,110 --> 00:04:10,144
I'm Margo.
121
00:04:10,177 --> 00:04:11,245
Hey.
122
00:04:11,278 --> 00:04:12,580
Would you like a hit of some soup?
123
00:04:12,613 --> 00:04:14,081
- Wow.
- Homemade lentil.
124
00:04:14,115 --> 00:04:16,117
Oh, my goddess. You two
have the same thermos.
125
00:04:16,150 --> 00:04:17,985
Oh, wow, that's... that's neat.
126
00:04:18,019 --> 00:04:19,654
Same wheelie cart, too.
127
00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:21,422
Soul sisters.
128
00:04:21,455 --> 00:04:23,624
What a hot coincidence.
129
00:04:23,658 --> 00:04:25,593
Well, it's actually
the only one where...
130
00:04:25,626 --> 00:04:27,128
(both) ...the wheels
don't turn to squares
131
00:04:27,161 --> 00:04:29,563
when you roll over snow salt.
132
00:04:29,597 --> 00:04:31,098
That was spooky.
133
00:04:31,132 --> 00:04:34,402
Cute cards, Young Abbi.
134
00:04:34,435 --> 00:04:35,970
You're gonna be a hit here.
135
00:04:36,003 --> 00:04:37,238
Thanks.
136
00:04:37,271 --> 00:04:40,074
That Margo's a mighty witch.
137
00:04:40,107 --> 00:04:42,810
She nearly gave me a
clit, throat and butt-gasm.
138
00:04:42,843 --> 00:04:43,978
Butt-gasm?
139
00:04:44,011 --> 00:04:45,746
I'm a crazy, sick sex addict,
140
00:04:45,780 --> 00:04:48,115
like David Duchovny in
that show, and in real life.
141
00:04:48,149 --> 00:04:49,850
Ilana, you're being really weird.
142
00:04:49,884 --> 00:04:51,252
Oh, I gotta... run.
143
00:04:51,285 --> 00:04:53,187
My annual family massage appointment.
144
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,690
Damn, I am so horned up, dude.
145
00:04:55,723 --> 00:04:57,958
Better jerk off before
I get on the subway.
146
00:04:57,992 --> 00:04:59,093
Ew, Ilana, chill.
147
00:04:59,126 --> 00:05:01,095
Later, Ab. Super wet!
148
00:05:01,128 --> 00:05:04,231
??
149
00:05:04,265 --> 00:05:06,300
(sighs)
150
00:05:10,972 --> 00:05:12,506
You must be Ilana Wexler.
151
00:05:12,540 --> 00:05:13,507
Come in.
152
00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:15,710
Hi. Thanks.
153
00:05:15,743 --> 00:05:17,244
Beautiful apartment.
154
00:05:17,278 --> 00:05:19,914
Is this, um, pre...
pre-war, or... yeah.
155
00:05:19,947 --> 00:05:22,883
Yeah, I've lived here 50 years.
156
00:05:22,917 --> 00:05:24,151
Wow.
157
00:05:24,185 --> 00:05:27,154
There's a lot of history in these walls.
158
00:05:27,188 --> 00:05:29,190
So cozy.
159
00:05:29,223 --> 00:05:31,158
Wow, you can keep plants alive.
160
00:05:31,192 --> 00:05:33,294
- You're an adult.
- Yeah.
161
00:05:33,327 --> 00:05:35,162
Go on in, don't be shy.
162
00:05:41,102 --> 00:05:42,503
So, Ilana...
163
00:05:42,536 --> 00:05:44,205
Show me your vulva.
164
00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:51,283
So basically, I've had more sex than,
like, anybody in the entire world.
165
00:05:51,316 --> 00:05:55,721
Not just average sex, but,
like, dank '70s porno sex.
166
00:05:55,754 --> 00:05:58,223
I can squirt, and like, spray.
167
00:05:58,256 --> 00:06:00,325
I leave a cum trail wherever I go,
168
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:02,060
kind of like a slutty slug.
169
00:06:02,094 --> 00:06:03,328
Uh-huh.
170
00:06:03,362 --> 00:06:06,064
I'm just really on the
edge of orgasm at all times.
171
00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:09,301
So then what seems to
be your problem today?
172
00:06:09,334 --> 00:06:11,103
It's not, uh, my problem,
173
00:06:11,136 --> 00:06:13,872
it is my friend Abbi's problem,
174
00:06:13,905 --> 00:06:16,908
so I'm just here for her by proxy.
175
00:06:16,942 --> 00:06:22,314
She hasn't, uh, orgasmed in months.
176
00:06:22,347 --> 00:06:27,552
And she's too embarrassed to
come, L-O-L, here, to see you.
177
00:06:27,586 --> 00:06:30,622
I just want to help her be a cum kween
178
00:06:30,656 --> 00:06:32,291
like her best friend, me, is.
179
00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:36,662
So your friend hasn't come in
months and you're here for her.
180
00:06:36,695 --> 00:06:38,397
Exactly.
181
00:06:43,268 --> 00:06:45,003
Okay.
182
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:47,239
If that's what you want to do.
183
00:06:49,174 --> 00:06:52,277
??
184
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:56,815
- How's business, Young Abbi?
- Oh, my God.
185
00:06:56,848 --> 00:07:00,285
Um, it's going okay.
186
00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:02,187
I've only made five bucks so far.
187
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,423
Would you like a puff of my wand?
188
00:07:04,456 --> 00:07:05,657
It's pretty magical.
189
00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:07,459
Uh, sure.
190
00:07:07,492 --> 00:07:08,627
Cool wand.
191
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:11,563
You seem cold.
192
00:07:11,596 --> 00:07:14,333
You know, most people
don't realize this,
193
00:07:14,366 --> 00:07:17,202
but you lose most of your body heat
194
00:07:17,235 --> 00:07:18,603
from your upper wing area.
195
00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:21,907
Wing area? Oh, I just...
196
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:23,608
Oh, wow.
197
00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:25,510
That feels really good, actually.
198
00:07:25,544 --> 00:07:26,511
Yeah, thank you.
199
00:07:26,545 --> 00:07:28,113
All right, well....
200
00:07:28,146 --> 00:07:29,848
Holler if you need anything else.
201
00:07:29,881 --> 00:07:31,516
It's lunchtime.
202
00:07:31,550 --> 00:07:33,752
I guess it is lunchtime.
203
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:37,923
Hey! Same Tupperware!
204
00:07:37,956 --> 00:07:39,224
Oh, yeah.
205
00:07:39,257 --> 00:07:40,926
Uh, twinsies, I guess.
206
00:07:44,062 --> 00:07:47,132
Beautiful, isn't she?
207
00:07:47,165 --> 00:07:48,800
Straight up gorgeous.
208
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:51,937
Ilana, I want you to name your vulva.
209
00:07:51,970 --> 00:07:54,806
What about... "Abbi"?
210
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,309
All right, Ilana,
211
00:07:57,342 --> 00:07:59,811
I want you to have a
conversation with Abbi.
212
00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:02,180
Tell Abbi how you've
been feeling lately.
213
00:08:02,214 --> 00:08:04,116
Abbi...
214
00:08:04,149 --> 00:08:07,085
you've been stubborn lately.
215
00:08:07,119 --> 00:08:08,787
Like, withholding.
216
00:08:08,820 --> 00:08:09,955
You're so full of shit.
217
00:08:09,988 --> 00:08:12,724
You can't even focus enough to relax.
218
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,793
You're not even a vulva or a vagina.
219
00:08:14,826 --> 00:08:16,895
You're just a butthole
that happens to bleed.
220
00:08:16,928 --> 00:08:18,897
I (bleep) hate you, bitch! (bleep) you!
221
00:08:18,930 --> 00:08:22,701
It's okay. It's just
the first layer: rage.
222
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:23,869
Go deeper.
223
00:08:23,902 --> 00:08:25,304
Tell Abbi what's in your heart.
224
00:08:26,571 --> 00:08:29,308
Abbi, I...
225
00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:30,976
I know it's not you.
226
00:08:31,009 --> 00:08:32,277
It's me.
227
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:35,180
I increased my dosage
of antidepressants.
228
00:08:35,213 --> 00:08:37,382
And I've also just been
more anxious and depressed,
229
00:08:37,416 --> 00:08:41,286
this whole disgusting, gross year.
230
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,654
And now I have dead pussy.
231
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,657
(voice-over) Dead pussy.
232
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,426
Dead pussy.
233
00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:48,794
(Donald Trump)) Dead pussy.
234
00:08:48,827 --> 00:08:50,262
It's essentially dead.
235
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,302
Dead pussy.
236
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:58,837
How about a little hug for the Donald?
237
00:08:58,870 --> 00:08:59,905
It's like a magnet.
238
00:08:59,938 --> 00:09:01,540
Grab 'em by the pussy.
239
00:09:01,573 --> 00:09:03,976
Grab 'em by the pussy.
240
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:07,479
USA! USA! USA!
241
00:09:07,512 --> 00:09:09,681
Grab 'em... Grab 'em by the pussy.
242
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,149
I won. I won.
243
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:12,250
Let's go, ladies.
244
00:09:12,284 --> 00:09:14,286
Oh, my God!
245
00:09:14,319 --> 00:09:16,822
Game show president (bleep) in chief!
246
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:18,523
I haven't come since the election!
247
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:20,359
And come is a lot of who I am.
248
00:09:20,392 --> 00:09:22,260
I'm a cum kween.
249
00:09:22,294 --> 00:09:23,829
Oh, good.
250
00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:25,831
Let it out, Ilana.
251
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:27,633
You're not alone.
252
00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:31,770
Orgasms have been down 140%
since (bleep) was elected.
253
00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:32,871
Ugh!
254
00:09:32,904 --> 00:09:34,272
It's been horrible for everyone.
255
00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:36,074
Great for me, though.
256
00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:38,777
I'm technically the
only small business owner
257
00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,246
that that human skin
tag has ever helped.
258
00:09:42,381 --> 00:09:45,284
Betty, can you help me?
259
00:09:45,317 --> 00:09:48,186
??
260
00:09:49,354 --> 00:09:51,056
Oh.
261
00:09:52,424 --> 00:09:54,026
Oh, um, you have a little...
262
00:09:54,059 --> 00:09:55,027
It's a gray!
263
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:56,361
Uh, no. On your nose.
264
00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,730
Here. Take a look.
265
00:09:59,931 --> 00:10:02,534
Oh, it's a... It's a lentil.
266
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:04,336
It's a lentil from way... earlier.
267
00:10:04,369 --> 00:10:05,737
I don't know how that got up there.
268
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:07,339
It's not a wart.
269
00:10:07,372 --> 00:10:08,507
Huh.
270
00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,208
Did you really do all of these yourself?
271
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:11,810
Oh, yes, I'm... I'm the artist.
272
00:10:11,843 --> 00:10:13,645
I went to this small school called MICA.
273
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:14,680
Get out.
274
00:10:14,713 --> 00:10:17,049
My daughter goes to MICA.
275
00:10:17,082 --> 00:10:18,717
Sorry, but how old are you?
276
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:21,086
- I'm 51.
- What?!
277
00:10:21,119 --> 00:10:23,355
Wait, you're 51. (bleep) you.
278
00:10:23,388 --> 00:10:25,724
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
You're 51 years old?
279
00:10:25,757 --> 00:10:27,993
I get that a lot. I'm a dermatologist.
280
00:10:28,026 --> 00:10:30,228
An Upper East Side dermatologist,
281
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:31,296
if you catch my drift.
282
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:34,099
Yeah, okay, I see.
283
00:10:34,132 --> 00:10:35,801
But what do you mean by that?
284
00:10:35,834 --> 00:10:38,537
Let's just say I can get my
hands on whatever a girl needs
285
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:40,472
to stay fresh and young-looking.
286
00:10:40,505 --> 00:10:43,308
Botox, fillers, bat feces.
287
00:10:43,342 --> 00:10:45,444
Ew, wait. Fillers?
288
00:10:45,477 --> 00:10:46,979
I tell you what.
289
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:48,780
I'm gonna take five
stacks of these cards.
290
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,515
My clients are gonna love them.
291
00:10:50,549 --> 00:10:52,117
Wow, okay. Cool.
292
00:10:52,150 --> 00:10:53,352
Um, that's awesome.
293
00:10:53,385 --> 00:10:54,786
That'll be 50 bucks.
294
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,688
Ugh! And what a steal.
295
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,357
That's, like, free.
296
00:10:58,390 --> 00:11:00,926
Yeah, it's nothing for me, either.
297
00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:02,527
That's my business card.
298
00:11:02,561 --> 00:11:03,862
My office is just around the corner,
299
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,999
you know, if you're ever in
the mood to... freshen up.
300
00:11:07,032 --> 00:11:08,533
Oh.
301
00:11:08,567 --> 00:11:10,002
I'm still in my 20s.
302
00:11:10,035 --> 00:11:11,503
I mean, the gray is super premature,
303
00:11:11,536 --> 00:11:14,172
and the hunchback is just
a scarf to protect my wings.
304
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,173
No pressure.
305
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:16,942
Okay, thanks.
306
00:11:18,076 --> 00:11:20,712
I went to MICA, too!
307
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:22,281
You could hear all that?
308
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,649
Spooky.
309
00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:27,653
(exhales)
310
00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:29,454
(vibrator buzzing)
311
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:33,725
Ugh!
312
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,727
I think I'm just... broken.
313
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,796
You look perfectly healthy to me.
314
00:11:37,829 --> 00:11:40,599
Then why aren't I coming yesterday?
315
00:11:40,632 --> 00:11:42,467
Orgasms are a journey.
316
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:43,802
They start in your mind.
317
00:11:43,835 --> 00:11:45,771
You're traumatized by the fact
318
00:11:45,804 --> 00:11:49,641
that a sexual-assault
bragging steak salesman
319
00:11:49,675 --> 00:11:51,043
has become our president.
320
00:11:51,076 --> 00:11:55,080
You need to find a way to
rise above it in spite of him.
321
00:11:55,113 --> 00:11:56,949
Look inside yourself.
322
00:11:56,982 --> 00:12:00,585
(sighs heavily)
323
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,220
(buzzing)
324
00:12:03,822 --> 00:12:05,157
Ew! Wait! Ugh!
325
00:12:05,190 --> 00:12:07,893
God, I'm never gonna come again!
326
00:12:07,926 --> 00:12:09,594
It's not going to be easy.
327
00:12:09,628 --> 00:12:10,662
Stay in the moment.
328
00:12:12,097 --> 00:12:13,966
(bleep) you, (bleep)!
329
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:16,001
I'm going back in.
330
00:12:16,034 --> 00:12:18,136
(buzzing)
331
00:12:18,170 --> 00:12:19,972
That's not too bad.
332
00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:23,408
Oh, my God. Abbi?
333
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:25,644
(slow voice) Jeremy?
334
00:12:25,677 --> 00:12:28,046
??
335
00:12:30,315 --> 00:12:33,151
(music playing backwards)
336
00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,923
- I thought that was you.
- Hey! Hi!
337
00:12:37,956 --> 00:12:39,224
How's it going, man?
338
00:12:39,257 --> 00:12:40,492
"Man"?
339
00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:41,760
Natalie, this is Abbi, my old neighbor.
340
00:12:41,793 --> 00:12:43,028
"Old"?
341
00:12:43,061 --> 00:12:44,196
Hi, Zabby!
342
00:12:44,229 --> 00:12:46,231
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi.
343
00:12:46,264 --> 00:12:47,733
And this is Milo.
344
00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:50,168
(Jeremy) Yeah.
345
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:51,536
He adopted us.
346
00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:52,838
Wow.
347
00:12:52,871 --> 00:12:54,539
Congrats.
348
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:57,542
I mean, and you're married,
that's... that's awesome.
349
00:12:57,576 --> 00:12:59,077
Oh, no, no, no.
350
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:00,679
No, no, we're not married.
351
00:13:00,712 --> 00:13:02,114
She's not my property.
352
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:03,615
- No, yeah.
- No, no.
353
00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:06,251
We're best friends. Soul mates.
354
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:07,252
Co-parents.
355
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:08,654
Wow.
356
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:10,689
Um, yeah, obviously, you're not married.
357
00:13:10,722 --> 00:13:12,958
This is not what I do for a living.
358
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:15,294
This is... I lost a bet, so that's why.
359
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:17,296
Nice cards.
360
00:13:17,329 --> 00:13:18,830
Babe, we should get some.
361
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,899
"Thank you" cards, for the
Planned Parenthood fundraiser.
362
00:13:20,932 --> 00:13:22,134
Oh, my God, that's a great idea.
363
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:24,903
- These are great, Abbi.
- Thanks.
364
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:27,272
Oh, I guess we need 'em all.
365
00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:28,974
How much do you want for all of these?
366
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,543
Oh, uh... This... This...
367
00:13:31,576 --> 00:13:34,279
Like, uh, 80 bucks would be good?
368
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,380
Totally reasonable.
369
00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:38,684
And I love helping struggling artists.
370
00:13:38,717 --> 00:13:40,485
Actually, you know what? Keep it.
371
00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:43,522
No, I don't... I can't. A hundred bucks?
372
00:13:43,555 --> 00:13:46,825
Okay, I mean that's...
That's a fair price.
373
00:13:46,858 --> 00:13:48,827
God, it's crazy running into you.
374
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:51,063
Stay warm. Good to see you.
375
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:52,931
You too, family.
376
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:54,533
Say bye, Milo!
377
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:01,874
I should be pounding that ass tonight.
378
00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:11,884
Hey, Margo, can you
watch my stuff for a sec?
379
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,352
I got money to spend.
380
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,987
Money is a mind control technique
381
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,289
that quantifies the
progress of the patriarchy!
382
00:14:18,223 --> 00:14:19,391
Yeah, I'll watch your stuff.
383
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:21,093
Okay. Thanks.
384
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:22,795
(sighs)
385
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:23,929
An average-sized dick...
386
00:14:23,962 --> 00:14:25,130
Yes.
387
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,865
Electoral college!
388
00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:29,568
Come on.
389
00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:32,471
Fat titties.
390
00:14:32,504 --> 00:14:33,839
Mike Pence!
391
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,741
Focus, focus...
392
00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:40,312
Hairy taints...
393
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,848
Tiny, tiny hands!
394
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:44,083
Push through.
395
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,517
Tap in.
396
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,052
You are powerful.
397
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,053
You are woman.
398
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:49,288
Yes.
399
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,724
You... are... cum kween!
400
00:14:51,757 --> 00:14:53,993
Yes. No!
401
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:55,094
Yes.
402
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,898
When they go low, we go high.
403
00:14:59,932 --> 00:15:02,234
Women can get stuff done.
404
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:03,969
(classical music playing)
405
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,750
(Ilana) He can never,
ever take away our cumming.
406
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,852
Yes. Yes.
407
00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:21,445
Aah!
408
00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:26,186
Looking good.
409
00:15:26,219 --> 00:15:27,987
Just let that sink
in for a little longer
410
00:15:28,021 --> 00:15:29,422
before we hit the other side.
411
00:15:29,455 --> 00:15:32,692
So, uh, this is what you use personally
412
00:15:32,725 --> 00:15:33,760
to look so young, right?
413
00:15:33,793 --> 00:15:35,628
That and 20 of its cousins.
414
00:15:35,662 --> 00:15:37,931
It's hard to be beautiful these days.
415
00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:40,567
It is my full-time job,
but for most other women,
416
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:44,637
it's their second full-time
job where you're losing money.
417
00:15:44,671 --> 00:15:48,341
Anyway, while you're here,
can I do a little peel or...
418
00:15:48,374 --> 00:15:49,809
No, I... I don't need...
419
00:15:49,843 --> 00:15:51,945
Obviously, your chin is of concern.
420
00:15:51,978 --> 00:15:53,213
I thought I... I had a...
421
00:15:53,246 --> 00:15:55,648
like, a Reese Witherspoon chin.
422
00:15:55,682 --> 00:15:57,650
Or, I can make you whiter.
423
00:15:57,684 --> 00:15:59,652
Uh...
424
00:15:59,686 --> 00:16:01,688
You know what?
425
00:16:01,721 --> 00:16:05,091
I think that I'm, um... I'm okay.
426
00:16:05,124 --> 00:16:06,593
I think I'm good with just this one.
427
00:16:06,626 --> 00:16:08,528
This feels like a big deal.
428
00:16:08,561 --> 00:16:11,231
But that first side
hasn't settled yet, so...
429
00:16:11,264 --> 00:16:13,199
Yeah. Um...
430
00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:15,268
I'm feeling like I made
a little bit of a mistake.
431
00:16:15,301 --> 00:16:18,805
I found a gray hair and then
I ran into an ex of mine today,
432
00:16:18,838 --> 00:16:21,441
and I think I just got, like,
real swept up in that moment.
433
00:16:21,474 --> 00:16:25,211
'Cause I actually really like
the way that I look, you know?
434
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,647
I think I'm really hot.
435
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,383
Usually. I usually feel super hot.
436
00:16:30,416 --> 00:16:32,785
But thank you so much.
You've been so kind to me.
437
00:16:32,819 --> 00:16:34,554
Um...
438
00:16:34,587 --> 00:16:36,089
And you know what?
439
00:16:36,122 --> 00:16:38,191
I think you're really beautiful.
440
00:16:38,224 --> 00:16:39,826
And I think that you would be
441
00:16:39,859 --> 00:16:42,090
even if you didn't do any of
this crazy shit to your face.
442
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:43,363
(laughing)
443
00:16:44,931 --> 00:16:47,634
Oh, no. I laughed.
444
00:16:52,172 --> 00:16:54,407
(sighs)
445
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,543
Hey, drink up.
446
00:16:56,576 --> 00:17:00,246
You lost a lot of fluids
during that humongous orgasm.
447
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,149
It's mostly weed, a little
ginger and some cumin.
448
00:17:03,183 --> 00:17:04,717
It's really good.
449
00:17:04,751 --> 00:17:05,919
I think I'm gonna cüm again.
450
00:17:07,253 --> 00:17:08,721
(shivering)
451
00:17:08,755 --> 00:17:10,590
(laughing) Yes!
452
00:17:10,623 --> 00:17:12,725
The floodgates are open now.
453
00:17:12,759 --> 00:17:15,361
You've got a lot of orgasming
to do after a year of
454
00:17:15,395 --> 00:17:17,263
(bleep)-related pussy constipation.
455
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,966
I hate to 'gaz and dash,
456
00:17:19,999 --> 00:17:23,036
but I want to go tell Abbi
what "Abbi" accomplished today.
457
00:17:23,069 --> 00:17:24,437
Good.
458
00:17:24,470 --> 00:17:26,039
I can't thank you
enough for helping m...
459
00:17:26,072 --> 00:17:27,540
Oh...
460
00:17:27,574 --> 00:17:29,409
Ooh, it's happening again!
461
00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:30,410
Oh!
462
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,679
It's gonna be a big one!
463
00:17:32,712 --> 00:17:34,380
Oh!
464
00:17:34,414 --> 00:17:36,683
I'm gonna have to get
these rugs cleaned.
465
00:17:36,716 --> 00:17:39,185
??
466
00:17:39,219 --> 00:17:42,589
- Oh, Abbi?
- Ilana?
467
00:17:42,622 --> 00:17:45,325
Oh, my God, this timing is weird.
468
00:17:45,358 --> 00:17:47,293
- Are you sweating?
- What happened to your face?
469
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,963
Well, I ran into Jeremy
and he's, like, married now.
470
00:17:49,996 --> 00:17:52,832
And then there was this dermatologist and
she looked like she was in her twenties,
471
00:17:52,866 --> 00:17:54,426
- but she was, like, in her fifties.
- Hot.
472
00:17:54,434 --> 00:17:56,269
And then I just felt
like it's cooler to be,
473
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:57,971
like, hot and young than warm,
474
00:17:58,004 --> 00:18:00,440
but then as the Botox was
being injected into my face,
475
00:18:00,473 --> 00:18:02,075
I was like, it's...
it's cooler to be warm.
476
00:18:02,108 --> 00:18:03,977
Botox? Abbi, what?
477
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:06,780
Oh, my God, my table's gone!
478
00:18:08,448 --> 00:18:09,749
Oh, my God!
479
00:18:09,783 --> 00:18:12,118
- Dude.
- Dude.
480
00:18:14,855 --> 00:18:16,523
"Dear Young Abbi,
481
00:18:16,556 --> 00:18:18,725
"at the start of the
winter solstice tonight,
482
00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:20,594
"come into the thicket of the park.
483
00:18:20,627 --> 00:18:22,696
You'll know when you've arrived."
484
00:18:22,729 --> 00:18:26,666
Oh, God, that is witchy!
485
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:28,268
(exhales) Are you all right?
486
00:18:28,301 --> 00:18:31,571
I'm phenomenal.
487
00:18:31,605 --> 00:18:34,074
So my pussy hadn't
popped since the election.
488
00:18:34,107 --> 00:18:35,108
What?
489
00:18:35,141 --> 00:18:36,743
But Betty coached me through it.
490
00:18:36,776 --> 00:18:40,280
She tapped me into this
ferocious female current
491
00:18:40,313 --> 00:18:44,584
that is just constantly
zip-zap-zoppin'
492
00:18:44,618 --> 00:18:47,754
around the universe
like the speed of light,
493
00:18:47,787 --> 00:18:49,890
and I bazinga'd.
494
00:18:49,923 --> 00:18:52,926
- Hard.
- Oh, my gosh.
495
00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:55,195
It was just the most incredible thing.
496
00:18:55,228 --> 00:18:57,297
I saw shit, man.
497
00:18:57,330 --> 00:18:59,199
Witches who run the world.
498
00:18:59,232 --> 00:19:01,652
And witches aren't
monsters, they're just women.
499
00:19:01,653 --> 00:19:04,804
- Yes.
- They're (bleep) women who cum and giggle
500
00:19:04,838 --> 00:19:06,573
and play in the night.
501
00:19:06,606 --> 00:19:08,308
And that's why everybody
wants to set 'em on fire,
502
00:19:08,341 --> 00:19:09,743
'cause they're so (bleep) jealous.
503
00:19:09,776 --> 00:19:10,877
Dude, I don't know
why I ever doubted you.
504
00:19:10,911 --> 00:19:12,512
I'm in.
505
00:19:12,546 --> 00:19:14,481
(bird squawking)
506
00:19:17,584 --> 00:19:19,586
(women laughing and howling in distance)
507
00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:21,821
Do you... do you hear that?
508
00:19:21,855 --> 00:19:23,723
I think it's this way.
509
00:19:23,757 --> 00:19:25,825
I've never seen this
part of the park before.
510
00:19:28,128 --> 00:19:30,864
(laughing continues)
511
00:19:30,897 --> 00:19:32,699
What the frig? (laughing)
512
00:19:34,801 --> 00:19:37,170
This is, like, "The Crucible"
and "The Witches of Eastwick,"
513
00:19:37,204 --> 00:19:39,506
and Hillary Clinton
getting caught in the woods!
514
00:19:39,539 --> 00:19:41,741
(Betty) Ah.
515
00:19:41,775 --> 00:19:44,010
Cum kween.
516
00:19:44,044 --> 00:19:46,279
(Ilana) Betty!
517
00:19:46,313 --> 00:19:47,514
(Margot) Young Abbi!
518
00:19:47,547 --> 00:19:48,949
You found us!
519
00:19:48,982 --> 00:19:50,517
Ilana...
520
00:19:50,550 --> 00:19:52,352
Maybe we really are witches.
521
00:19:52,385 --> 00:19:53,486
Of course we are.
522
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,623
We're gigantic, humongous witches.
523
00:19:56,656 --> 00:19:57,937
- Join us.
- Oh, my God.
524
00:19:57,972 --> 00:19:59,492
Margo, you are just...
525
00:19:59,526 --> 00:20:00,861
Uh, you know what?
526
00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:03,096
I gotta go see about a girl.
527
00:20:04,264 --> 00:20:06,166
Please.
528
00:20:10,303 --> 00:20:12,138
(laughing and shouting)
529
00:20:19,346 --> 00:20:20,347
Hey.
530
00:20:29,155 --> 00:20:30,390
Hey, Ilana.
531
00:20:30,423 --> 00:20:32,859
It's period blood!
532
00:20:32,893 --> 00:20:35,362
(women howling)
533
00:20:39,299 --> 00:20:41,501
(howling and shouting continues)
534
00:20:46,566 --> 00:20:48,332
(Ilana) I'm gonna cum!
535
00:20:50,622 --> 00:20:52,372
Thank you so much for
buying me the heater.
536
00:20:52,405 --> 00:20:53,606
Of course, dude.
537
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,708
Witches have to have each other's backs.
538
00:20:55,742 --> 00:20:58,344
What are you gonna do now that
you know you have magical powers?
539
00:20:58,378 --> 00:21:02,148
Well, I think I'm gonna
whip up a spell to get a job.
540
00:21:02,181 --> 00:21:03,616
Good call.
541
00:21:03,650 --> 00:21:06,953
It is so bananas that you got Botox.
542
00:21:06,986 --> 00:21:08,821
Yeah, it is.
543
00:21:08,855 --> 00:21:11,357
But to be for real, I'm like,
544
00:21:11,391 --> 00:21:13,860
I would get it if I wanted
it at some point in my life.
545
00:21:13,893 --> 00:21:15,261
Exactly.
546
00:21:15,295 --> 00:21:17,999
I also heard about this thing
where you can freeze your butt.
547
00:21:18,034 --> 00:21:18,798
They do that?
548
00:21:18,831 --> 00:21:21,935
Apparently, it makes it really
hard and shiny and grippable.
549
00:21:21,968 --> 00:21:24,170
Like a bowling ball, baby, yas.
550
00:21:24,203 --> 00:21:25,505
So what are you doing back there?
551
00:21:25,538 --> 00:21:27,574
'Cause it's just, like,
the one gray, right?
552
00:21:27,607 --> 00:21:30,009
Oh, yeah, just the
one. (nervous chuckle)
553
00:21:30,043 --> 00:21:33,146
(whispering) Thousand.
554
00:21:33,179 --> 00:21:34,514
Cool.
555
00:21:34,564 --> 00:21:39,114
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