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1
00:00:00,111 --> 00:00:01,677
(Abbi and Ilana) Previously
on "Broad City"...
2
00:00:01,796 --> 00:00:02,678
To the airport!
3
00:00:02,797 --> 00:00:03,679
(Abbi) You have a period stain.
4
00:00:03,798 --> 00:00:05,014
I have weed in my vagin?.
5
00:00:05,132 --> 00:00:07,099
Period pants are the ultimate decoy.
6
00:00:07,184 --> 00:00:08,350
We'll have to check your luggage.
7
00:00:08,469 --> 00:00:09,685
This bag is the bomb.
8
00:00:09,804 --> 00:00:11,933
This is gonna have
to go under the plane.
9
00:00:12,857 --> 00:00:13,973
(Jared) Welcome to Birthmarc.
10
00:00:14,058 --> 00:00:16,058
This is an all-expense
paid trip to Israel,
11
00:00:16,143 --> 00:00:17,810
provided by your living ancestors,
12
00:00:17,895 --> 00:00:19,812
so we're seated according
to match potential.
13
00:00:19,947 --> 00:00:20,813
Enchant?.
14
00:00:20,948 --> 00:00:22,781
Jews! Jews! Jews!
15
00:00:25,670 --> 00:00:27,987
Put your tray tables up and
put your seat back forward
16
00:00:28,072 --> 00:00:29,204
And if you got something big
17
00:00:29,323 --> 00:00:30,906
Put it in overhead storage
18
00:00:30,992 --> 00:00:33,208
Life vest, seatbelt, oxygen
19
00:00:33,327 --> 00:00:35,995
You better help yourself
before you help a friend
20
00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:37,246
Safety.
21
00:00:37,331 --> 00:00:38,380
Yeah.
22
00:00:38,499 --> 00:00:42,167
23
00:00:42,253 --> 00:00:44,553
And you can't be weird today
24
00:00:44,672 --> 00:00:47,973
'Cause there's too much
crazy stuff in the world today
25
00:00:48,059 --> 00:00:50,642
Get real high
26
00:00:50,728 --> 00:00:53,812
'Cause we're flying
and zooming the sky
27
00:00:55,099 --> 00:00:57,516
Four and three
and two and one-one
28
00:00:57,818 --> 00:01:00,997
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:02,106 --> 00:01:04,323
4,000 steps.
30
00:01:04,408 --> 00:01:06,275
Oh, Winona, you gotta kick it up, girl.
31
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:09,549
I just wish I had something to
talk about at my reunion, you know?
32
00:01:09,914 --> 00:01:11,046
Maybe I shouldn't even go.
33
00:01:11,165 --> 00:01:12,081
What?
34
00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:13,499
No, you gotta go.
35
00:01:13,634 --> 00:01:15,084
They're gonna miss you.
36
00:01:15,169 --> 00:01:17,179
You need to go give them a load of Mona.
37
00:01:17,214 --> 00:01:18,921
I just wish I had a...
38
00:01:19,006 --> 00:01:20,556
Like, a talking point, you know?
39
00:01:20,675 --> 00:01:23,225
I need a headline.
40
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:24,727
Whoa, girl.
41
00:01:24,846 --> 00:01:27,313
Boy, those pilots,
they do such a good job.
42
00:01:27,398 --> 00:01:29,120
- They really work hard.
- I'm telling you.
43
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,153
We should go check on them, see
if they want a little beverage.
44
00:01:31,188 --> 00:01:32,845
- I'll be right back.
- Know what I mean?
45
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,019
Okay.
46
00:01:34,155 --> 00:01:36,655
(door opening)
47
00:01:36,741 --> 00:01:37,740
Everything okay?
48
00:01:37,859 --> 00:01:38,908
Rough winds.
49
00:01:39,026 --> 00:01:39,992
Looking good, girl.
50
00:01:40,077 --> 00:01:41,493
Well, thank you.
51
00:01:41,579 --> 00:01:43,746
Ladies and gentlemen, we're
about to hit a rough patch.
52
00:01:43,865 --> 00:01:46,999
If you move about the cabin,
please proceed with caution.
53
00:01:52,173 --> 00:01:53,589
(moaning)
54
00:01:56,310 --> 00:01:57,543
(Jared) Up next is Rachel.
55
00:01:57,678 --> 00:01:59,929
Hi, I'm Rachel Hanowitz.
56
00:02:00,047 --> 00:02:03,382
Uh, Rachel Hoffman already
called Rachel H., sorry.
57
00:02:03,517 --> 00:02:06,602
So you will be Rachel H-2.
58
00:02:06,721 --> 00:02:09,355
I'm an event planner from Montana,
59
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,807
decent Jewish population
there, actually,
60
00:02:11,893 --> 00:02:14,860
but I'm looking to make it bigger.
61
00:02:16,564 --> 00:02:18,647
That's what I'm talking
about, huh, guys?
62
00:02:18,733 --> 00:02:20,282
Thank you. (clapping)
63
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:21,533
Uh, Mark?
64
00:02:23,988 --> 00:02:25,738
Uh, shalom, my name is Mark.
65
00:02:25,823 --> 00:02:28,791
I run a booming nail art
business outside Boston,
66
00:02:28,910 --> 00:02:31,410
and I'm proudly gay... mazel...
67
00:02:31,545 --> 00:02:34,747
But I'm looking for a
nice Jewish girl to marry.
68
00:02:34,832 --> 00:02:38,083
Because that's the only way I
can gain access to my trust fund.
69
00:02:38,169 --> 00:02:39,084
(Jared) Nice!
70
00:02:39,170 --> 00:02:40,719
Right on, Mark, all right.
71
00:02:40,805 --> 00:02:43,222
(clapping)
72
00:02:44,759 --> 00:02:45,808
Uh, Abbalah?
73
00:02:52,316 --> 00:02:53,315
Hey.
74
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:54,934
Uh, I'm Abbi.
75
00:02:55,069 --> 00:02:57,603
Just wanted to say that
I was one of the few
76
00:02:57,738 --> 00:02:59,939
who had to check their carry-on,
77
00:03:00,074 --> 00:03:02,691
even though I packed
really hard for a carry-on.
78
00:03:02,777 --> 00:03:05,194
I practice packed a couple times.
79
00:03:05,279 --> 00:03:08,197
Just felt like that was a sacrifice.
80
00:03:08,282 --> 00:03:09,581
It felt a little Jewwy.
81
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,450
Um, Jewish-like.
82
00:03:11,585 --> 00:03:15,274
Anyway, I graduated
with a fine arts degree.
83
00:03:15,309 --> 00:03:18,290
So now I am a celebrity trainer.
84
00:03:18,426 --> 00:03:23,595
Um, Kris Kristofferson
comes in, mostly core work.
85
00:03:23,681 --> 00:03:25,431
It... Uh, it's pretty cool.
86
00:03:25,516 --> 00:03:29,018
So I'm a little bit lost and, um,
87
00:03:29,136 --> 00:03:33,355
yeah, I'm looking for
a spiritual experience,
88
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,641
kind find myself on this trip.
89
00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,393
I'm sorry, Ilana, are you okay?
90
00:03:37,478 --> 00:03:38,477
Yeah.
91
00:03:38,612 --> 00:03:39,528
I'll go next.
92
00:03:39,647 --> 00:03:40,612
Okay. Thank you, Abbi.
93
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:41,893
- Okay.
- Thank you.
94
00:03:41,928 --> 00:03:43,983
(clapping)
95
00:03:44,118 --> 00:03:46,702
Hey, I'm Ilana, and right now,
96
00:03:46,821 --> 00:03:48,120
I'm just looking to sit next to Abbi.
97
00:03:48,205 --> 00:03:50,489
You know, I just want to
hang, get new jokes together.
98
00:03:50,574 --> 00:03:53,158
Also, um, I've never been out
of the country, and also...
99
00:03:53,294 --> 00:03:57,629
Also, I'm looking to get
into the Moyel Chai Club.
100
00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,332
(Abbi laughing)
101
00:04:00,468 --> 00:04:01,667
Thank you.
102
00:04:01,752 --> 00:04:03,752
(clapping)
103
00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:04,837
Okay.
104
00:04:04,922 --> 00:04:05,838
Um...
105
00:04:05,923 --> 00:04:07,989
Let's see, Rachel H-2,
106
00:04:08,097 --> 00:04:09,357
you went to Dartmouth, huh?
107
00:04:09,392 --> 00:04:10,392
Well, you know what?
108
00:04:10,511 --> 00:04:11,593
I think I could see
a really bright future
109
00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:14,346
with you and David 3,
who went to Cornell.
110
00:04:14,432 --> 00:04:16,231
Ew, Cornell?
111
00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:18,183
Hey, it's still an Ivy.
112
00:04:18,319 --> 00:04:20,835
(Jared) Ah, you guys sound like
an old married couple already.
113
00:04:20,870 --> 00:04:25,357
Next up, Lauren, you went to
Brown, and Levi, you went to Tufts?
114
00:04:25,493 --> 00:04:28,360
I mean, Red Rover, Red
Rover, let Levi come over!
115
00:04:28,596 --> 00:04:30,762
Let's bring it on down to Gingerville!
116
00:04:30,848 --> 00:04:32,714
(all laughing)
117
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,349
I said, this is J (bleep).
118
00:04:34,468 --> 00:04:35,851
Oh, cool.
119
00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:38,387
Listen, we should just
ask people to switch seats.
120
00:04:38,472 --> 00:04:40,472
Get ya nag on!
121
00:04:40,558 --> 00:04:41,523
Nagga, what?
122
00:04:41,642 --> 00:04:42,474
Hmm?
123
00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:43,642
No, no.
124
00:04:43,777 --> 00:04:45,360
I don't... That was like...
125
00:04:45,479 --> 00:04:47,396
Just a joke, I mean... Just delete that.
126
00:04:47,481 --> 00:04:48,981
Yeah, delete.
127
00:04:49,066 --> 00:04:50,699
We'll both forget it.
128
00:04:50,818 --> 00:04:52,568
(electronic beeping)
129
00:04:54,071 --> 00:04:55,070
Yo, bud.
130
00:04:55,156 --> 00:04:57,239
You wanna switch seats?
131
00:04:57,324 --> 00:04:58,457
Sweet.
132
00:05:00,377 --> 00:05:02,377
Thanks so much, my peer.
133
00:05:02,496 --> 00:05:03,795
Excuse me, sir?
134
00:05:03,881 --> 00:05:05,581
You are sitting in the lucky seat
135
00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:08,500
we always upgrade to
first class midflight.
136
00:05:08,636 --> 00:05:11,003
Congratulations. Come on up!
137
00:05:11,138 --> 00:05:14,056
Let's get you a blanket
and a glass of champagne.
138
00:05:14,175 --> 00:05:15,174
(whispering) Ilana! Ilana!
139
00:05:15,259 --> 00:05:16,558
Ilana, there's a seat!
140
00:05:16,677 --> 00:05:17,843
Ilana!
141
00:05:17,978 --> 00:05:19,428
No, no.
142
00:05:23,934 --> 00:05:25,601
I'm good...
143
00:05:25,686 --> 00:05:26,852
(clearing throat) I'm good.
144
00:05:26,937 --> 00:05:27,853
Shalom.
145
00:05:27,938 --> 00:05:30,355
Sir, would you like to switch seats?
146
00:05:49,877 --> 00:05:51,210
We did it, dude.
147
00:05:51,345 --> 00:05:53,262
- Um, excuse me, sir?
- Ab, Ab.
148
00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:54,628
Let the guy rest in peace.
149
00:05:54,663 --> 00:05:56,381
Okay. I guess we're close enough.
150
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:57,466
Yeah.
151
00:05:57,551 --> 00:05:58,717
So I've been meaning to tell you,
152
00:05:58,802 --> 00:06:00,519
that was a sick mile high joke.
153
00:06:00,604 --> 00:06:01,720
I wasn't joking.
154
00:06:01,855 --> 00:06:03,555
The Moyel Chai Club.
155
00:06:03,641 --> 00:06:05,057
You know how moyels suck baby dick?
156
00:06:05,142 --> 00:06:06,775
Wait, wait, what's a moyel?
157
00:06:06,894 --> 00:06:08,810
Honestly, are you Jewish?
158
00:06:08,896 --> 00:06:10,562
You're not supposed to be
on this trip if you're not.
159
00:06:10,648 --> 00:06:12,147
Dude, I'm sorry, what
the (bleep) is a moyel,
160
00:06:12,233 --> 00:06:13,899
and why are they sucking baby dick?
161
00:06:13,984 --> 00:06:16,902
A moyel is the Jewish dude
who performs the circumcisions.
162
00:06:16,987 --> 00:06:18,287
You know, like a... a bris.
163
00:06:18,405 --> 00:06:19,788
So they don't do it in the hospital,
164
00:06:19,907 --> 00:06:23,325
so these rabbis can
do whatever they want.
165
00:06:23,410 --> 00:06:25,794
So they take the detached baby foreskin,
166
00:06:25,913 --> 00:06:29,255
and they roll it around
in their mouths with wine.
167
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:31,917
(retching)
168
00:06:32,002 --> 00:06:35,170
And then they suck the baby
dick itself to stop the bleeding.
169
00:06:35,256 --> 00:06:36,922
What the (bleep) are you talking about?
170
00:06:37,007 --> 00:06:38,473
Literally Judaism.
171
00:06:38,592 --> 00:06:41,476
So at every bris,
someone sucks a baby dick?
172
00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:45,274
Only the most sacred ceremonies do
we get to have the baby dick sucking.
173
00:06:45,309 --> 00:06:46,265
They get to have it?
174
00:06:46,350 --> 00:06:48,899
Yeah, it's like, Christian people
get the Nilla wafer and we get...
175
00:06:48,934 --> 00:06:50,362
- Like a sacrament.
- What?
176
00:06:50,438 --> 00:06:52,654
It's a wafer and when
you take it in your mouth,
177
00:06:52,773 --> 00:06:54,212
you let go of all your sins.
178
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,407
- It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony.
- All right.
179
00:06:55,492 --> 00:06:57,442
So we're going to Israel right now,
180
00:06:57,528 --> 00:06:59,111
and we're supposed to be Jewish.
181
00:06:59,196 --> 00:07:00,279
Anyway, Moyel Chai Club.
182
00:07:00,364 --> 00:07:02,781
I want to (bleep) a dick
on this flight, babe!
183
00:07:02,916 --> 00:07:05,334
An adult dick, obviously.
184
00:07:05,452 --> 00:07:08,120
I can't believe that you
want to (bleep) a dick
185
00:07:08,205 --> 00:07:10,172
after everything that just
came out of your mouth.
186
00:07:10,291 --> 00:07:12,207
Something about doing it in the sky.
187
00:07:13,961 --> 00:07:15,010
Ilana, look!
188
00:07:15,129 --> 00:07:17,462
Oh, my God, dude, this is a free movie!
189
00:07:17,598 --> 00:07:18,680
Maybe you are a Jew.
190
00:07:18,799 --> 00:07:19,715
Look, look!
191
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:20,799
His headphones!
192
00:07:20,884 --> 00:07:22,718
You are dark, dude.
193
00:07:22,803 --> 00:07:23,990
I know.
194
00:07:25,139 --> 00:07:26,388
(man in movie) He
didn't get it off, man!
195
00:07:26,473 --> 00:07:27,356
(man in movie) He got it off!
196
00:07:27,474 --> 00:07:28,774
Hey, hey!
197
00:07:28,859 --> 00:07:30,609
(laughing)
198
00:07:33,781 --> 00:07:35,814
Shit, dude.
199
00:07:35,949 --> 00:07:37,149
I just got my period.
200
00:07:37,284 --> 00:07:38,233
Ugh.
201
00:07:38,319 --> 00:07:40,068
Okay, it's fine, I packed tampons.
202
00:07:42,623 --> 00:07:45,457
In my bag!
203
00:07:47,763 --> 00:07:51,431
Dude, what if you use my period pants?
204
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:52,432
For what?
205
00:07:52,568 --> 00:07:54,935
I... I don't know.
206
00:07:55,020 --> 00:07:57,270
It just figures because I packed, like,
207
00:07:57,406 --> 00:08:00,607
every type of tampon I could find.
208
00:08:00,693 --> 00:08:02,743
It's all in my bag, under the plane.
209
00:08:02,828 --> 00:08:04,194
All right, woman up.
210
00:08:04,279 --> 00:08:06,830
Wad up a bunch of toilet paper
and shove it up your pussy.
211
00:08:06,949 --> 00:08:07,864
Up?
212
00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:09,282
Between the lips and the undies.
213
00:08:09,368 --> 00:08:10,667
Dude, it's the first day.
214
00:08:10,786 --> 00:08:12,119
Oof, first day.
215
00:08:12,254 --> 00:08:15,005
That's like putting your
spoon into a molten lava cake.
216
00:08:15,024 --> 00:08:16,373
It's like the first
bite of a jelly doughnut.
217
00:08:16,458 --> 00:08:18,508
- It's like a side of chutney.
- It's like fruit on the bottom.
218
00:08:18,627 --> 00:08:19,676
That's you right now.
219
00:08:19,695 --> 00:08:20,944
You ever seen that
movie "The Impossible"?
220
00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:23,447
Where that wall of
tsunami water just, like,
221
00:08:23,532 --> 00:08:24,865
gushes up onto the beach?
222
00:08:24,950 --> 00:08:25,949
Yikes.
223
00:08:26,035 --> 00:08:27,584
I was just gonna say,
that movie is so sad.
224
00:08:27,703 --> 00:08:28,619
Oh, yeah.
225
00:08:28,704 --> 00:08:31,455
I really need a (bleep) tampon.
226
00:08:31,540 --> 00:08:33,507
Shit, the line for the
bathroom is so long,
227
00:08:33,592 --> 00:08:35,876
even if I did want to stick a wad up...
228
00:08:36,011 --> 00:08:38,767
This must be what
homeless women feel like.
229
00:08:39,848 --> 00:08:41,824
Dude, we're just in
coach, it's not that bad.
230
00:08:41,859 --> 00:08:44,282
No, no. Like, how do they get tampons?
231
00:08:44,317 --> 00:08:46,887
If you get a couple bucks, do you
buy food or do you buy tampons?
232
00:08:47,022 --> 00:08:47,938
Whoa.
233
00:08:48,057 --> 00:08:49,389
Tampons should be free.
234
00:08:49,525 --> 00:08:52,109
Every woman should have access
to tampons, all different sizes.
235
00:08:52,227 --> 00:08:53,810
And the only reason it's not that way
236
00:08:53,896 --> 00:08:55,646
is because the government hates women.
237
00:08:55,731 --> 00:08:56,780
This is true.
238
00:08:56,899 --> 00:08:57,898
Elbows in, sir.
239
00:08:58,033 --> 00:08:59,449
Here's a reunion story.
240
00:08:59,568 --> 00:09:03,153
Tell them your Beyonc?'s fourth-weekend
nanny and that she loves you.
241
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:04,821
I don't speak French.
242
00:09:04,907 --> 00:09:06,206
Can I get you anything?
243
00:09:06,291 --> 00:09:07,374
Um...
244
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,825
Do you guys have any tampons I could...
245
00:09:08,911 --> 00:09:10,410
(whispering) So sorry, no, we don't.
246
00:09:10,546 --> 00:09:13,997
But we have soft drinks and
food, for an additional charge.
247
00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:15,582
- Okay.
- You know what?
248
00:09:15,718 --> 00:09:17,634
Let's get something to
distract from all of this.
249
00:09:17,753 --> 00:09:20,364
(Mona) We got a... a
kosher snack pack for two.
250
00:09:20,399 --> 00:09:22,504
- How much is that?
- $38.
251
00:09:22,539 --> 00:09:24,430
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
252
00:09:24,465 --> 00:09:25,678
(Winona) There's a lot
of good stuff in there.
253
00:09:25,713 --> 00:09:28,011
It's yummy, you'll love it.
254
00:09:28,097 --> 00:09:29,836
All right, elbows in now.
255
00:09:30,483 --> 00:09:31,898
(Abbi) Let's get this out of the way.
256
00:09:31,984 --> 00:09:34,685
I am loving your comfort
despite the circumstances.
257
00:09:34,770 --> 00:09:36,019
Well, I'm currently sitting
258
00:09:36,105 --> 00:09:39,106
in a pool of my own
uterine lining, so...
259
00:09:39,241 --> 00:09:40,774
I'm feeling pretty comfortable.
260
00:09:40,909 --> 00:09:41,775
Hey, hey, hey.
261
00:09:41,910 --> 00:09:42,943
You know what you need to do?
262
00:09:43,078 --> 00:09:44,995
You need to tell them
about all that money
263
00:09:45,114 --> 00:09:46,446
that you gave to charity.
264
00:09:46,582 --> 00:09:48,498
Then I have to tell them that
I had to ask for it all back
265
00:09:48,617 --> 00:09:50,951
'cause I'm addicted to online poker.
266
00:09:51,086 --> 00:09:54,538
Okay, tell them about the bone
marrow transplant that you gave me.
267
00:09:54,623 --> 00:09:56,673
You gave me a bone marrow transplant.
268
00:09:56,792 --> 00:09:59,292
Ooh, I forgot about that.
269
00:09:59,428 --> 00:10:00,343
(Ilana) What?
270
00:10:00,462 --> 00:10:02,129
This was $38?
271
00:10:02,214 --> 00:10:03,463
(Abbi) Ugh, dude.
272
00:10:03,549 --> 00:10:05,882
Someone on this plane
has got to have a tampon.
273
00:10:05,968 --> 00:10:07,217
Yeah, you're right.
274
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:08,668
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
275
00:10:10,856 --> 00:10:12,472
Do you guys have a tampon?
276
00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:16,860
Absorbency...
277
00:10:21,283 --> 00:10:22,532
Um, excuse me.
278
00:10:22,651 --> 00:10:23,984
Do you by any chance have a tampon?
279
00:10:24,119 --> 00:10:25,368
Oh, my goodness, no.
280
00:10:25,487 --> 00:10:26,653
I'm flattered you asked,
281
00:10:26,789 --> 00:10:29,406
even though many women my
age do experience spotting.
282
00:10:29,491 --> 00:10:30,407
Oh!
283
00:10:30,492 --> 00:10:32,743
I totally forgot about menopause.
284
00:10:32,828 --> 00:10:35,495
Menopause isn't represented
in mainstream media.
285
00:10:35,631 --> 00:10:37,798
Like, no one wants to talk about it.
286
00:10:40,052 --> 00:10:41,418
(Ilana) Hey! Hey, buddy.
287
00:10:41,503 --> 00:10:43,553
- Could I get that pita?
- This pita?
288
00:10:43,672 --> 00:10:45,422
- That's almost in my mouth?
- Yeah.
289
00:10:45,507 --> 00:10:48,261
My friend just got her period
and she doesn't have any tampons
290
00:10:48,296 --> 00:10:50,227
and it's first-day flow.
291
00:10:50,345 --> 00:10:51,812
Really heavy, and her
underpants are filling and...
292
00:10:51,897 --> 00:10:53,680
- Just take it.
- Thank you.
293
00:10:53,816 --> 00:10:54,681
I do have one.
294
00:10:54,817 --> 00:10:56,316
Hold on, let me get my Longchamp.
295
00:10:56,401 --> 00:10:57,517
Oh, yes!
296
00:10:57,653 --> 00:11:00,437
297
00:11:00,522 --> 00:11:02,689
Banging 'til the
bells stop ringing
298
00:11:05,694 --> 00:11:07,351
Can you please return to your seat?
299
00:11:07,386 --> 00:11:09,162
- Again.
- Yes, sorry.
300
00:11:09,248 --> 00:11:10,864
I was just, um, gathering materials.
301
00:11:10,999 --> 00:11:12,833
Okay. Thank you.
302
00:11:15,037 --> 00:11:16,837
(sighing)
303
00:11:16,922 --> 00:11:18,789
(laughing)
304
00:11:18,874 --> 00:11:20,123
You're kidding, right?
305
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:21,208
What do you mean?
306
00:11:21,343 --> 00:11:23,093
Oh, you're serious?
307
00:11:23,212 --> 00:11:26,668
I thought that these, were, like,
a joke that all women shared.
308
00:11:27,099 --> 00:11:28,381
I guess I'm just the monster
309
00:11:28,517 --> 00:11:31,551
with a humongous vagina over here.
310
00:11:31,687 --> 00:11:34,304
(bleep) you, Lindsay.
311
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:36,737
Does yarmulke size have
anything to do with dick si...
312
00:11:36,772 --> 00:11:38,225
Sorry, shlong size?
313
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,976
I think so.
314
00:11:40,062 --> 00:11:41,394
Then it is way too big.
315
00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:42,813
But can I borrow this yarmulke?
316
00:11:42,898 --> 00:11:44,898
You're probably not gonna
want it back afterwards.
317
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:46,316
It's just so thick.
318
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:48,485
Oh!
319
00:11:48,570 --> 00:11:49,870
I'm so glad you're
finally getting into it.
320
00:11:49,955 --> 00:11:51,238
This is David 5,
321
00:11:51,373 --> 00:11:52,823
he's in his third year
of orthopedic residency...
322
00:11:52,908 --> 00:11:54,157
Wait, do you have a tampon?
323
00:11:54,243 --> 00:11:55,659
N-no, why...
324
00:11:55,744 --> 00:11:56,910
Do you have any interest
325
00:11:57,045 --> 00:11:58,829
in meeting eligible
young Jews on this trip?
326
00:11:58,914 --> 00:12:00,497
Yeah, that was the first thing I said,
327
00:12:00,582 --> 00:12:02,582
that I wanted to join
the Moyel Chai Club.
328
00:12:02,668 --> 00:12:05,001
And why don't you just
let it happen naturally?
329
00:12:05,087 --> 00:12:07,254
Jews are so horny.
330
00:12:07,339 --> 00:12:09,256
Horny.
331
00:12:09,391 --> 00:12:10,257
Oh, my...
332
00:12:10,342 --> 00:12:11,675
- That's offensive.
- Sorry.
333
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,645
Look, forgive me if I want to perpetuate
the glorious bloodline of the Jewish people.
334
00:12:15,764 --> 00:12:17,073
It's a noble cause.
335
00:12:17,108 --> 00:12:18,648
Really? That's your thing?
336
00:12:22,321 --> 00:12:24,020
All right, look, I probably
shouldn't tell you this,
337
00:12:24,106 --> 00:12:26,439
but I get a commission
off of every match made.
338
00:12:26,575 --> 00:12:29,025
I get double if it's made
before we touch the ground.
339
00:12:29,111 --> 00:12:30,998
- What?
- Hey, don't judge.
340
00:12:31,033 --> 00:12:33,616
Look, it's one thing if you don't
want to take this trip seriously,
341
00:12:33,651 --> 00:12:35,254
besmirch your Jewish heritage,
342
00:12:35,289 --> 00:12:36,783
that's between you and HaShem.
343
00:12:36,919 --> 00:12:38,585
But if you get between
me and my money...
344
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:39,836
(inhaling deeply)
345
00:12:39,955 --> 00:12:41,588
That I will not stand for.
346
00:12:48,297 --> 00:12:49,679
This is so against the rules.
347
00:12:49,798 --> 00:12:52,966
Well, I won't Tel Aviv, if you won't.
348
00:12:53,101 --> 00:12:54,184
Wait a minute, you know Aviv?
349
00:12:54,303 --> 00:12:56,102
No, um...
350
00:12:56,188 --> 00:12:57,387
No.
351
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:58,722
Oh.
352
00:12:58,807 --> 00:13:00,140
(zipper unzips) Oh.
353
00:13:00,275 --> 00:13:02,893
Holy sweet mother of Moses.
354
00:13:02,978 --> 00:13:03,944
(knocking on door)
355
00:13:04,029 --> 00:13:05,278
Uh...
356
00:13:05,364 --> 00:13:06,479
Coming!
357
00:13:06,615 --> 00:13:09,783
I gotta go, I gotta go!
358
00:13:09,868 --> 00:13:11,284
Uh...
359
00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:13,703
I... I would, uh...
360
00:13:13,822 --> 00:13:15,238
Just a minute, wait a minute.
361
00:13:15,324 --> 00:13:17,184
There's somebody still
finishing in there.
362
00:13:17,219 --> 00:13:18,258
Excuse me.
363
00:13:21,997 --> 00:13:23,997
Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club!
364
00:13:24,132 --> 00:13:26,750
Dude, I've been waiting
for the bathroom forever.
365
00:13:26,835 --> 00:13:27,801
Did you get me anything?
366
00:13:27,886 --> 00:13:29,719
Remember, the wad up the lips?
367
00:13:29,838 --> 00:13:31,338
I got you something better.
368
00:13:32,674 --> 00:13:33,640
What is that?
369
00:13:33,725 --> 00:13:35,175
It's a homemade tampon.
370
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:40,680
Because I am a woman who has
access to tampons normally,
371
00:13:40,816 --> 00:13:42,849
I'm not gonna stick a pita up my pussy.
372
00:13:42,935 --> 00:13:45,185
I get it.
373
00:13:45,270 --> 00:13:48,772
Everyone is gonna be sorry they
turned their backs on their sisters.
374
00:13:48,857 --> 00:13:50,106
Time is of the essence.
375
00:13:50,192 --> 00:13:51,942
Any second, there's
gonna be an explosion
376
00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:55,028
and there's gonna be
blood, like, everywhere.
377
00:13:55,113 --> 00:13:56,529
Holy...
378
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:58,832
My headline.
379
00:14:01,243 --> 00:14:02,659
They said "explosion".
380
00:14:02,744 --> 00:14:03,993
They're clearly plotting something.
381
00:14:04,079 --> 00:14:05,829
We need to call dispatch.
382
00:14:05,914 --> 00:14:07,428
No, we're gonna do it.
383
00:14:07,463 --> 00:14:09,833
(gasps) For my reunion.
384
00:14:09,918 --> 00:14:10,884
Okay.
385
00:14:10,969 --> 00:14:12,085
Let's do it.
386
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:14,587
If we don't die, it's perfect.
387
00:14:16,424 --> 00:14:17,974
Okay.
388
00:14:19,494 --> 00:14:21,561
- Yes!
- She said yes!
389
00:14:22,748 --> 00:14:23,997
What?
390
00:14:24,132 --> 00:14:25,915
I'm buying champagne!
391
00:14:26,001 --> 00:14:27,500
I guess he brought that ring.
392
00:14:27,636 --> 00:14:28,908
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
393
00:14:28,943 --> 00:14:29,586
Cheers.
394
00:14:29,671 --> 00:14:31,370
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
395
00:14:31,405 --> 00:14:32,756
Ew.
396
00:14:32,841 --> 00:14:35,058
(Abbi gasps) Oh, my God, Ilana, look.
397
00:14:35,177 --> 00:14:36,342
Holy yas.
398
00:14:36,478 --> 00:14:38,928
So warm and moist.
399
00:14:39,014 --> 00:14:40,814
Ew, what, dude?
400
00:14:40,899 --> 00:14:43,233
That's not how to describe a tampon.
401
00:14:43,351 --> 00:14:45,652
Tampons, genius!
402
00:14:48,724 --> 00:14:50,423
(Winona) We're gonna take 'em down.
403
00:14:50,559 --> 00:14:51,655
I can get the goods
404
00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:53,310
if you create a diversion.
405
00:14:53,428 --> 00:14:55,562
I am great at diversions.
406
00:14:55,647 --> 00:14:57,701
Like, I'm really good at spilling stuff,
407
00:14:57,736 --> 00:14:58,982
and then people stare.
408
00:14:59,101 --> 00:15:02,803
Like, it's not usually on purpose,
but I think that I can swing it.
409
00:15:02,838 --> 00:15:04,270
Shabbat Shalom, mother (bleep).
410
00:15:04,356 --> 00:15:05,610
Yeah! Let's do this!
411
00:15:05,645 --> 00:15:07,691
Yes! (gasping)
412
00:15:07,776 --> 00:15:09,159
Oh, man.
413
00:15:09,277 --> 00:15:10,410
He's a heavy sleeper.
414
00:15:10,495 --> 00:15:11,778
Yeah, he's dead asleep.
415
00:15:11,913 --> 00:15:12,779
- Okay.
- Okay.
416
00:15:12,914 --> 00:15:14,948
(both) Let's do this!
417
00:15:15,083 --> 00:15:16,866
We got this.
418
00:15:16,952 --> 00:15:18,201
I love you.
419
00:15:18,286 --> 00:15:19,536
Okay.
420
00:15:19,621 --> 00:15:22,872
I have to be honest
be... before we do this.
421
00:15:22,958 --> 00:15:25,592
I lost 200 pounds in two years,
422
00:15:25,677 --> 00:15:26,876
and you never said anything.
423
00:15:26,962 --> 00:15:28,461
I beat cancer, and come on,
424
00:15:28,597 --> 00:15:30,296
I was on "Extreme Couponing".
425
00:15:30,432 --> 00:15:33,800
We never talk about me!
426
00:15:33,935 --> 00:15:36,469
So, yes, I love you,
427
00:15:36,605 --> 00:15:37,854
but I don't like you.
428
00:15:40,942 --> 00:15:42,275
I'm okay with that.
429
00:15:43,695 --> 00:15:44,611
Okay.
430
00:15:44,696 --> 00:15:45,612
Let's do this.
431
00:15:45,697 --> 00:15:46,780
Let's do it.
432
00:15:57,409 --> 00:16:02,379
Hark the herald angels singing
433
00:16:02,497 --> 00:16:06,082
Glory to the newborn
434
00:16:06,168 --> 00:16:08,918
(chorus)
Glory to
the newborn king
435
00:16:09,004 --> 00:16:13,390
Peace on earth and mercy mild
436
00:16:13,508 --> 00:16:18,094
God and sinners reconciled
437
00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:22,732
Joyful all ye nations rise
438
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:27,187
Join the triumph of the skies
439
00:16:27,272 --> 00:16:31,991
With angelic host proclaim
440
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:33,660
Christ is born in Bethlehem
441
00:16:33,745 --> 00:16:35,612
(watch vibrating)
442
00:16:35,697 --> 00:16:37,831
10,000 steps!
443
00:16:37,916 --> 00:16:39,449
Yes!
444
00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:41,117
...herald angels sing
445
00:16:41,203 --> 00:16:46,673
Glory to the newborn king
446
00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:52,879
Hail the heaven
born prince of peace
447
00:16:53,014 --> 00:16:54,214
(loud thud)
448
00:16:55,684 --> 00:16:57,517
Class of '96!
449
00:17:06,194 --> 00:17:07,193
Explain it again.
450
00:17:07,279 --> 00:17:09,696
My friend was just
trying to get me a tampon.
451
00:17:09,781 --> 00:17:11,614
Your stories are inconsistent.
452
00:17:11,733 --> 00:17:14,984
So we wake up in Wantagh, New Jersey.
453
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:16,986
Abbi's puking on the side of the road.
454
00:17:17,072 --> 00:17:18,371
No cabs anywhere.
455
00:17:18,457 --> 00:17:20,406
This is our second date, mind you.
456
00:17:20,542 --> 00:17:23,159
She wouldn't call it a date, but, uh...
457
00:17:23,245 --> 00:17:24,577
(laughing) We scheme.
458
00:17:24,713 --> 00:17:26,546
We do scheme.
459
00:17:26,631 --> 00:17:28,832
Your partner hasn't
mentioned a tampon once.
460
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,728
Sir, your guess is as good as mine.
461
00:17:30,763 --> 00:17:31,852
(Israeli soldier) You're on Birthmarc,
462
00:17:31,887 --> 00:17:36,256
yet your friend sang a Christian
song to create a diversion.
463
00:17:36,391 --> 00:17:37,640
Is she even Jewish?
464
00:17:37,759 --> 00:17:39,759
Honestly, your guess is as good as mine.
465
00:17:39,895 --> 00:17:42,878
Why did you move seats
to sit next to a dead man?
466
00:17:42,913 --> 00:17:44,731
- That's suspicious.
- What? No, no.
467
00:17:44,816 --> 00:17:46,149
He... He was sleeping.
468
00:17:46,268 --> 00:17:48,268
You...
469
00:17:48,353 --> 00:17:49,621
Oh, my God.
470
00:17:49,656 --> 00:17:50,576
The dead guy?
471
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:51,772
Yeah, fully dead.
472
00:17:51,807 --> 00:17:55,441
Nobody wanted the seats and we had to
sit next to each other, obviously, so...
473
00:17:55,577 --> 00:17:57,076
Yeah, it didn't bother me at all.
474
00:17:57,162 --> 00:17:58,945
You said your bag was the bomb.
475
00:17:59,030 --> 00:18:02,448
It is, my bag is the bom...
476
00:18:02,534 --> 00:18:05,585
Okay, Google "Refinery 29,"
477
00:18:05,670 --> 00:18:07,921
in quotes, "Drew Barrymore," in quotes.
478
00:18:08,006 --> 00:18:09,422
It's a life-changing bag,
479
00:18:09,508 --> 00:18:12,425
You were asking passengers
for very strange instruments.
480
00:18:12,511 --> 00:18:14,961
Twine, someone's shoelaces,
heavy duty scissors.
481
00:18:15,096 --> 00:18:16,629
To make a tampon.
482
00:18:16,715 --> 00:18:18,548
What, do you think I was
making a (bleep) bomb?
483
00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:19,499
Yeah!
484
00:18:19,585 --> 00:18:21,301
You're here for suspicion
of terrorist activity.
485
00:18:21,436 --> 00:18:24,218
Terrorism? I thought this was
about the weed in my pussy.
486
00:18:28,302 --> 00:18:29,777
What?
487
00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:33,646
God, there's so much
turbulence, what is going on?
488
00:18:33,782 --> 00:18:35,815
It's the pilots giving each other head.
489
00:18:35,951 --> 00:18:36,983
Air head.
490
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,356
That's a good one.
491
00:18:38,391 --> 00:18:39,152
Seriously.
492
00:18:39,237 --> 00:18:41,327
Why do you think they
call it the cockpit?
493
00:18:41,362 --> 00:18:43,122
(moaning)
494
00:18:44,459 --> 00:18:45,658
(bleep) yeah.
495
00:18:45,794 --> 00:18:49,461
There is just something
about doing it in the sky.
496
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:58,485
So, listen, you know how I wanted
to come on this trip to, like,
497
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:01,355
experience some sort
of spiritual epiphany?
498
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,022
Yeah?
499
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:06,443
So when the stewardess
slammed me down on the ground,
500
00:19:06,529 --> 00:19:09,079
for a moment, I swear I had this, like,
501
00:19:09,165 --> 00:19:14,451
out-of-body experience
where I was in... heaven.
502
00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:16,370
You know Jews don't have heaven.
503
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,455
Well, I saw Jesus.
504
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:19,790
You saw Jesus?
505
00:19:19,875 --> 00:19:21,592
I saw Jesus.
506
00:19:21,677 --> 00:19:24,711
And he was hot and he had a man
bun and he was wearing sandals,
507
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:27,047
and I usually hate
sandals and I loved 'em.
508
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:30,300
Dude, he's like a Jew,
but he's not Jew-ish.
509
00:19:30,436 --> 00:19:31,602
Really good for me.
510
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:33,804
The more you talk about it...
511
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:35,139
the more right it is.
512
00:19:35,274 --> 00:19:37,474
You know, I really
liked your intro before.
513
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,978
I was thinking about it, like,
using this trip to find yourself
514
00:19:41,063 --> 00:19:42,646
and find your purpose.
515
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,148
And then when my face was pressed
516
00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:48,952
into the plush carpet of first
class, I had this a-ha moment.
517
00:19:49,038 --> 00:19:53,574
I, like, realized what
I wanna do with my life.
518
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:55,993
Ilana, this is huge.
519
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:59,413
I want to make enough
money to fly first class.
520
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,397
- Yeah, dude, that's it.
- Right?
521
00:20:02,432 --> 00:20:04,247
- Yeah, I'm in.
- No touching.
522
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,837
And my Birthmarc wish came true.
523
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:07,971
Now we're sitting together.
524
00:20:08,057 --> 00:20:10,641
And I got to fly with my bag.
525
00:20:10,726 --> 00:20:11,892
And it really is incredible.
526
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:13,594
It withstood all those bullet holes.
527
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:16,480
Yeah, Israelis, like,
really love their guns.
528
00:20:16,565 --> 00:20:18,098
Guns are so gross.
529
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,683
I'm really relieved
we're going back home.
530
00:20:19,768 --> 00:20:22,436
Totally.
531
00:20:23,522 --> 00:20:26,156
(plane rattling)
532
00:20:26,242 --> 00:20:28,659
(pilot moaning)
533
00:20:28,744 --> 00:20:30,661
Dassit.
534
00:20:30,746 --> 00:20:32,613
There's actually this
restaurant on Steinway
535
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:36,500
that makes falafel that
I heard is even better
536
00:20:36,585 --> 00:20:37,868
than the real deal.
537
00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:39,036
Let's just go there.
538
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,287
Yum.
539
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:42,539
That sounds perfect.
540
00:20:42,625 --> 00:20:46,210
Ugh, I miss New York.
541
00:20:46,295 --> 00:20:48,846
Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?
542
00:20:48,931 --> 00:20:52,049
God is, like, Daddy God and
Jesus is like, the Son God.
543
00:20:52,134 --> 00:20:54,635
So he's really just,
like, a hot rich kid.
544
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,286
Totally.
545
00:20:56,336 --> 00:21:00,886
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