All language subtitles for Broad City s03e05 2016.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:02,775 (Ilana) Okay, so how many do we have so far? 2 00:00:02,876 --> 00:00:04,277 We're at 59. 3 00:00:04,378 --> 00:00:06,145 (exhales sharply) Okay. 4 00:00:06,246 --> 00:00:07,880 Brrrr... 60. 5 00:00:07,982 --> 00:00:09,415 A GIF basket. 6 00:00:09,516 --> 00:00:12,285 It's an app that stores .GIFs in your phone 7 00:00:12,386 --> 00:00:13,920 so that when you send a text, 8 00:00:14,021 --> 00:00:15,421 you can send the GIF faster than your friend. 9 00:00:15,522 --> 00:00:16,923 Love it, going on the list. 10 00:00:17,024 --> 00:00:20,259 Even though, someone at work actually told me it's pronounced "jiff." 11 00:00:20,361 --> 00:00:21,909 I know, but I am not doing that. 12 00:00:21,944 --> 00:00:24,097 No, it's disgusting. I'm not doing that either. 13 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,231 Okay, I have one. 14 00:00:25,332 --> 00:00:29,302 A gynecologist that's also a bikini waxer. 15 00:00:29,403 --> 00:00:32,338 That is a literal one-stop pussy shop. 16 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:33,606 I love it! 17 00:00:33,707 --> 00:00:35,274 I love you, I love this day. 18 00:00:35,376 --> 00:00:37,777 I think we might actually be literal geniuses. 19 00:00:37,878 --> 00:00:40,346 Oh, we for sure are geniuses. 20 00:00:40,447 --> 00:00:41,648 Get this. 21 00:00:41,749 --> 00:00:45,184 A skateboard, with a handle. 22 00:00:45,285 --> 00:00:46,919 That's, like, a scooter. 23 00:00:47,021 --> 00:00:48,087 Derr. 24 00:00:48,188 --> 00:00:49,088 Derr, derr, derr, derr. 25 00:00:49,189 --> 00:00:50,423 Okay, I have one. 26 00:00:50,524 --> 00:00:53,168 Boots that have magnets on the bottom, so when you walk around, 27 00:00:53,203 --> 00:00:55,512 you're just picking up change. You never need to bend over. 28 00:00:55,547 --> 00:00:56,529 I love that. 29 00:00:56,630 --> 00:00:59,065 Then I could be the Jewish stereotype that I am 30 00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,652 without being known for it. 31 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,610 Exactly, dude. 32 00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:06,673 God, this is the most productive morning of my life. 33 00:01:06,774 --> 00:01:08,899 - I feel rejuvenated. - I'm truly alive. 34 00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:10,109 Okay, we're at 63. 35 00:01:10,210 --> 00:01:11,344 I say we get brunch. 36 00:01:11,445 --> 00:01:14,582 If by brunch, you mean bodega bacon egg and cheese, then I am in. 37 00:01:14,682 --> 00:01:16,249 Dass it. 38 00:01:16,350 --> 00:01:18,117 Damn, the park is serene today. 39 00:01:18,218 --> 00:01:20,353 It's just, like, beautiful. Why don't we come here more? 40 00:01:20,454 --> 00:01:21,888 - It's just far. - It is far. 41 00:01:21,989 --> 00:01:24,257 Four and three and two and one-one 42 00:01:25,105 --> 00:01:28,649 Sync and corrections by rickSG www.addic7ed.com 43 00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:33,866 Swimmers have, like, hard pubes and shriveled dicks. 44 00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:35,468 Football's, like, too scary. 45 00:01:35,569 --> 00:01:37,937 Baseball can be hot, but you need a shortstop or something. 46 00:01:38,038 --> 00:01:38,766 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 47 00:01:38,909 --> 00:01:42,341 For me, it's wrestlers, gymnasts... jockeys, bay-bay! 48 00:01:42,443 --> 00:01:45,445 I would ride those tiny jacked little bodies. 49 00:01:45,546 --> 00:01:47,380 It's like me, but, like, a boy. 50 00:01:47,481 --> 00:01:48,448 You okay? 51 00:01:48,549 --> 00:01:51,684 Like, I don't want to go today. It's gonna suck so bad. 52 00:01:51,785 --> 00:01:52,719 Listen. 53 00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,654 This day comes for all of us. 54 00:01:54,755 --> 00:01:59,058 You must get your license renewed. 55 00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:01,561 At the DMV. 56 00:02:01,662 --> 00:02:02,995 V, V, V... 57 00:02:03,097 --> 00:02:05,182 - It sucks, but you are gonna kill it. - All right, yeah. 58 00:02:05,297 --> 00:02:08,288 In the span of your whole lifetime, it's a second. 59 00:02:08,836 --> 00:02:11,137 But in reality, it'll be, like, 12 hours. 60 00:02:11,238 --> 00:02:13,039 You know what? You're right. 61 00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:15,108 This could be exciting. You know why? 62 00:02:15,209 --> 00:02:18,711 This is gonna be the time that I take a license photo that is good. 63 00:02:18,812 --> 00:02:20,713 'Course you are. With that ass? 64 00:02:20,814 --> 00:02:22,582 They don't let you put your ass in the photo. 65 00:02:22,683 --> 00:02:23,816 They really should. 66 00:02:23,917 --> 00:02:26,719 I know you from your ass better than I know your face. 67 00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:30,469 You know me from my ass better than you know me from my face? 68 00:02:30,504 --> 00:02:33,493 Yep, and hearing it said back to me slower only validates it more. 69 00:02:33,594 --> 00:02:34,761 Okay. 70 00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:38,164 Well, we are just two sangle gals doing our thang today. 71 00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:41,067 I applied for over three jobs and haven't gotten any. 72 00:02:41,168 --> 00:02:43,503 Today is all about that hustle. 73 00:02:43,604 --> 00:02:44,504 All right, I'll see ya. 74 00:02:44,605 --> 00:02:46,372 I gotta go this way. Ilana! 75 00:02:46,473 --> 00:02:49,549 - Love that lip color. - Oh, thanks. I found it, it was a rescue. 76 00:02:49,910 --> 00:02:51,110 You found it? 77 00:02:51,211 --> 00:02:53,346 Yeah, there was more than half left, so I cut the top off. 78 00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:56,516 You don't... buy new. Do you? 79 00:02:56,617 --> 00:02:57,950 No, that's disgusting. 80 00:02:58,051 --> 00:02:59,285 All right. 81 00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:01,053 Later, bitch! 82 00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:06,692 So I need my hair to look perfect for this photo. 83 00:03:06,794 --> 00:03:09,695 I gotcha, girl. You're gonna look just like a "Bachelor" contestant. 84 00:03:09,797 --> 00:03:10,934 Oh, uh, no... 85 00:03:10,970 --> 00:03:13,533 No, but one that quits 'cause she's too good for the show. 86 00:03:13,634 --> 00:03:16,669 Okay, yes, that is perfect. 87 00:03:16,770 --> 00:03:18,938 For real, every single professional photo 88 00:03:19,039 --> 00:03:22,775 I have ever taken my whole life has come out horrible. 89 00:03:22,876 --> 00:03:24,644 - Everyone says that. - No, they are. 90 00:03:24,745 --> 00:03:26,012 I have them all on my phone. 91 00:03:26,113 --> 00:03:28,481 Great, so this is my last license photo. 92 00:03:28,582 --> 00:03:29,849 You see, it's like... 93 00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:32,518 Trying showing that to the cops every time you get pulled over, huh? 94 00:03:32,619 --> 00:03:34,537 This is my senior photo. That's gross. 95 00:03:34,588 --> 00:03:37,123 It's like, I had braces for a very long time. 96 00:03:37,224 --> 00:03:39,425 Braces cut up the whole inside of my mouth. 97 00:03:39,526 --> 00:03:40,693 No one ever tells you that. 98 00:03:40,794 --> 00:03:44,221 This is my homecoming photo, with my high school boyfriend. 99 00:03:44,256 --> 00:03:45,413 You think he was gay? 100 00:03:46,066 --> 00:03:48,167 Um, I don't like to go off of looks, but I mean... 101 00:03:48,268 --> 00:03:49,302 - He was gay. - Yeah, he was gay. 102 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,983 I didn't know. But then everybody knew, you know? 103 00:03:52,018 --> 00:03:53,971 - Yeah. - Like, all the teachers knew, too. 104 00:03:54,006 --> 00:03:56,153 - Wow. - And he's actually a billionaire now. 105 00:03:56,377 --> 00:03:57,610 In Idaho, yeah. 106 00:03:57,711 --> 00:03:59,212 Oh, this is my passport photo. 107 00:03:59,313 --> 00:04:00,346 Is that a bee? 108 00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:01,897 Yeah, that is a bee. 109 00:04:01,907 --> 00:04:04,517 This bee followed me around Astoria for 30 days. 110 00:04:04,618 --> 00:04:06,101 - Oh, my gosh. - What? 111 00:04:06,249 --> 00:04:09,622 I can't believe I almost forgot. Deals, Deals, Deals coupon for this haircut. 112 00:04:09,723 --> 00:04:11,457 This makes your haircut like $15. 113 00:04:11,558 --> 00:04:13,359 I know. How amazing is that? 114 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,595 I guess, um... Well, then we'll get started. 115 00:04:15,696 --> 00:04:18,197 So I was thinking some layers, maybe, um... 116 00:04:18,298 --> 00:04:21,134 And we are done. 117 00:04:21,235 --> 00:04:23,495 - Are we? - Yeah. 118 00:04:27,307 --> 00:04:29,042 Ow, my subluxation! 119 00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:30,143 Oh! 120 00:04:30,244 --> 00:04:31,711 Oh, no! 121 00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:36,416 Ladies and gentle dudes. 122 00:04:36,517 --> 00:04:37,950 I've fallen on hard times. 123 00:04:38,052 --> 00:04:40,586 After graduating from New York University, 124 00:04:40,688 --> 00:04:43,523 I lost my job at an Internet startup. 125 00:04:43,624 --> 00:04:44,691 Deals, Deals, Deals. 126 00:04:44,792 --> 00:04:46,726 Check 'em out, I bear them no ill will. 127 00:04:46,827 --> 00:04:49,762 Anyway, I'm not panhandling, I'm just performing for tips. 128 00:04:49,863 --> 00:04:51,764 Tip if you like, you know, no presh. 129 00:04:51,865 --> 00:04:53,299 Here we go. 130 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,968 (tap dancing) 131 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,381 Thank you so much. 132 00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:10,316 Thank you so much for your generosity. 133 00:05:15,255 --> 00:05:16,355 Oh, my God, Ilana. 134 00:05:16,457 --> 00:05:17,457 Eliot! 135 00:05:17,558 --> 00:05:19,277 I didn't know you take the A train. Hi. 136 00:05:19,307 --> 00:05:21,260 Ilana, I was filming you for my Tumblr. 137 00:05:21,361 --> 00:05:22,795 Oh, my God. Me? 138 00:05:22,896 --> 00:05:24,809 For Q Believe This Idiot. Tumblr.com? 139 00:05:24,844 --> 00:05:27,110 - Here, get a better one? - No, you idiot... Oh, my God. 140 00:05:27,235 --> 00:05:30,204 Mom doesn't know you got fired and I'm getting tired of covering for you. 141 00:05:30,355 --> 00:05:31,871 You need to get a real job. 142 00:05:31,972 --> 00:05:35,541 I mean, you were born in the '90s. I'm sure you've got a Flappy Bird in you. 143 00:05:35,642 --> 00:05:37,940 Eliot, this is a real job. 144 00:05:38,679 --> 00:05:41,914 (man's voice) Stand clear of the closing doors, please. (doors chime) 145 00:05:42,015 --> 00:05:43,327 Thank you. You see? 146 00:05:43,362 --> 00:05:46,719 Yeah, honestly, you not listening to me about this is homophobic. 147 00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:49,399 - It is? - No, it's not, but get a job. 148 00:05:50,691 --> 00:05:53,762 I knew you were right before I did the flip. 149 00:05:57,364 --> 00:05:59,398 Oh that's not so bad. 150 00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:03,002 Oh, God. 151 00:06:08,408 --> 00:06:10,510 Oh. 152 00:06:12,646 --> 00:06:14,947 G-42. 153 00:06:15,048 --> 00:06:16,749 Picture of a hammer? 154 00:06:20,454 --> 00:06:22,421 It's me! (cackling wildly) 155 00:06:22,523 --> 00:06:25,057 That's me! (cackling) 156 00:06:25,159 --> 00:06:27,026 I can't believe... 157 00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:29,962 I'm free! (laughing insanely) 158 00:06:30,063 --> 00:06:31,247 Oh, my God. 159 00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:33,766 (woman continues cackling) 160 00:06:37,604 --> 00:06:40,039 (Ilana) Come on... you're a temp agency. 161 00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:42,208 Look, I've asked you three times. Just please leave. 162 00:06:42,309 --> 00:06:44,811 I can't, I need a job. 163 00:06:44,912 --> 00:06:46,012 (gulping) 164 00:06:46,113 --> 00:06:47,680 A real job. 165 00:06:47,781 --> 00:06:50,683 No, every time I try to help you, it turns into a disaster. 166 00:06:50,784 --> 00:06:52,451 - The Chinese food? - I was hungry. 167 00:06:52,553 --> 00:06:53,986 - The plane tickets? - I was thirsty. 168 00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:54,987 The door? 169 00:06:55,088 --> 00:06:57,332 I did not know it was a door. That shape. 170 00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,859 You know what? My life is just a mess right now anyways, okay? 171 00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,227 Between you and me, the... 172 00:07:01,328 --> 00:07:02,728 I'm barely hanging on to this business as it is. 173 00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:04,764 - No. - See this tooth? 174 00:07:04,865 --> 00:07:05,798 Dead. 175 00:07:05,899 --> 00:07:07,233 (microwave dings) 176 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,272 Is it supposed to take more than three days to heat up a potato? 177 00:07:13,373 --> 00:07:14,340 I don't think so. 178 00:07:14,441 --> 00:07:16,809 See? Everything in my life is broken. 179 00:07:16,910 --> 00:07:18,611 Plus, I'm two months pregnant. 180 00:07:18,712 --> 00:07:20,279 - Two?! - Yeah. 181 00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:22,315 I probably shouldn't even be telling people yet. 182 00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:26,252 Ugh, what is happening to my life? 183 00:07:26,353 --> 00:07:27,620 Will you just come lay with me? 184 00:07:27,721 --> 00:07:28,754 Just... 185 00:07:28,856 --> 00:07:29,822 hold my hand? 186 00:07:29,923 --> 00:07:32,158 Um... 187 00:07:32,259 --> 00:07:33,593 Yeah. 188 00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:38,865 Maybe I should just chuck it all and start over. 189 00:07:38,966 --> 00:07:41,968 Do you know of any good jobs? 190 00:07:42,069 --> 00:07:43,603 No... 191 00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:46,072 Do you? 192 00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:54,714 (in pain) Oh! Ahh! 193 00:08:02,589 --> 00:08:04,624 (flies buzzing) 194 00:08:09,496 --> 00:08:11,097 (whispering) Hey. Hey. 195 00:08:11,198 --> 00:08:14,133 (whispers) Yeah? Want some? 196 00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:18,471 (electronic chime) 197 00:08:19,873 --> 00:08:21,274 That's my number! There's mine! 198 00:08:21,275 --> 00:08:22,275 I win! Oh, excuse me. 199 00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,243 Hi, Abbi Abrams, finally. 200 00:08:24,344 --> 00:08:25,745 Smile on the count of three. 201 00:08:25,846 --> 00:08:28,848 Okay, hold... Just hold... Okay. 202 00:08:28,949 --> 00:08:30,149 Face forward, please. 203 00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:33,519 Can't we just do, like, a sideways, like, pouty, cool thing? 204 00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,921 You have to face forward. 205 00:08:35,022 --> 00:08:36,389 It's regulation. 206 00:08:36,490 --> 00:08:38,324 Or we could just use your old photo. 207 00:08:38,425 --> 00:08:39,992 No, no, no, no. 208 00:08:40,094 --> 00:08:41,675 Okay. Can you just count me down? 209 00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:44,197 'Cause I can only face forward for, like, a second. 210 00:08:44,298 --> 00:08:45,565 Three... 211 00:08:45,666 --> 00:08:47,066 Two... 212 00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:48,267 One. 213 00:08:48,368 --> 00:08:50,670 (neck crunching) Oh! 214 00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:54,007 Repeat after me. 215 00:08:54,108 --> 00:08:55,875 I am a badass queen. 216 00:08:55,976 --> 00:08:58,211 I am a badass queen. 217 00:08:58,312 --> 00:09:00,213 Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh! 218 00:09:00,314 --> 00:09:01,848 Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh! 219 00:09:01,949 --> 00:09:03,416 That was great. 220 00:09:03,517 --> 00:09:05,018 Thank you. Thank you so much. 221 00:09:05,119 --> 00:09:07,153 - You're very welcome. - You are so wise. 222 00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:09,522 You have so much insight. You know what? 223 00:09:09,623 --> 00:09:11,691 - I have the perfect job for you. - Social worker? 224 00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:12,659 Bike messenger. 225 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:13,993 Even better. 226 00:09:14,094 --> 00:09:16,296 Yass! 227 00:09:18,899 --> 00:09:20,466 Ass, ass, ass, ass. 228 00:09:20,568 --> 00:09:23,136 Ass, ass, ass, ass. 229 00:09:23,237 --> 00:09:24,671 Here you go! 230 00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:26,139 This isn't for me! 231 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,208 Oh, yes it is! 232 00:09:28,309 --> 00:09:29,509 How did she do that? 233 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:32,378 (cell phone vibrating) 234 00:09:32,479 --> 00:09:33,546 Hey. 235 00:09:33,647 --> 00:09:35,748 Dude, my purpose was revealed to me today. 236 00:09:35,850 --> 00:09:37,050 From God. 237 00:09:37,151 --> 00:09:38,751 Uh, what, dude? Where are you? 238 00:09:38,853 --> 00:09:40,920 I'm bike messengering. I have been for, like, an hour. 239 00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:43,823 My ass is v. sore, but that's what you get when you're BM queen. 240 00:09:43,924 --> 00:09:46,125 I don't know if you should call yourself a BM queen, right? 241 00:09:46,227 --> 00:09:47,516 I mean it both ways. 242 00:09:47,551 --> 00:09:49,162 Where are you? How's that pic? 243 00:09:49,263 --> 00:09:51,931 It was horrible, so, I threw my neck out. 244 00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:53,333 Oh... 245 00:09:53,434 --> 00:09:54,634 I threw my neck out 246 00:09:54,735 --> 00:09:57,203 and I think I need to go to the chiropractor, so. 247 00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:58,204 Oh, my God. 248 00:09:58,305 --> 00:09:59,739 Drop a pin, I'll pick you up. 249 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,841 It would be an honor to deliver the most precious package 250 00:10:01,942 --> 00:10:03,309 in all of New York City. 251 00:10:03,410 --> 00:10:04,744 Dat ass. 252 00:10:06,947 --> 00:10:08,681 (whimpering) Oh... 253 00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,149 (car honking) 254 00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:13,620 255 00:10:13,721 --> 00:10:15,054 Ow! 256 00:10:15,155 --> 00:10:16,256 There she is 257 00:10:16,357 --> 00:10:19,425 The most beautiful girl in the world 258 00:10:19,526 --> 00:10:20,426 Shit. 259 00:10:20,527 --> 00:10:21,527 Yikes. 260 00:10:21,629 --> 00:10:22,829 That's bad! 261 00:10:22,930 --> 00:10:25,298 We gotta go really slow, because I really (bleep) my neck. 262 00:10:25,399 --> 00:10:28,067 You won't even know you're on a bike. 263 00:10:28,168 --> 00:10:29,302 Ahh! 264 00:10:29,403 --> 00:10:31,004 I'm definitely on a bike! 265 00:10:31,105 --> 00:10:32,338 Oh, shit! 266 00:10:32,439 --> 00:10:34,607 Oh, my God, slow down, dude! 267 00:10:34,708 --> 00:10:37,343 Thank you so much, Dr. Heller, you're really saving my life today. 268 00:10:37,444 --> 00:10:40,980 You need to be sure you're taking care of yourself, Abbi. 269 00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:42,015 (cracking) Ow. 270 00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:43,149 You getting enough sleep? 271 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,051 Well, I mostly tussle, but I think I'm getting, 272 00:10:45,152 --> 00:10:47,987 like, a solid six hours of tussling per night. 273 00:10:48,088 --> 00:10:49,188 (cracking) Oh! 274 00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:51,224 And I know your work is very important 275 00:10:51,325 --> 00:10:54,492 and actually, somebody just bought one of your drawings off my wall. 276 00:10:54,527 --> 00:10:55,461 I saw! 277 00:10:55,462 --> 00:10:57,628 - Last week, about $45. - Yeah. 278 00:10:57,786 --> 00:11:00,667 That covers your co-pay, so that means this appointment is for free. 279 00:11:00,768 --> 00:11:02,635 - Yes! - Yes. 280 00:11:02,736 --> 00:11:04,203 (cracking, farting) Oh! 281 00:11:04,305 --> 00:11:05,872 Oh, good. 282 00:11:05,973 --> 00:11:07,974 Good, that's very healthy. 283 00:11:08,075 --> 00:11:09,175 I'm sorry. 284 00:11:09,276 --> 00:11:12,545 And next time, when you make an appointment at the DMV, do it online. 285 00:11:12,646 --> 00:11:14,580 That way when you get there, it just takes a minute. 286 00:11:14,682 --> 00:11:16,004 Wait. Wait, what? Oh! 287 00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:17,884 Lie down, lie down again, lie down again. 288 00:11:17,985 --> 00:11:19,218 You did it again. 289 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,354 (cracking) Ow. 290 00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:22,956 I'm proud of you. 291 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:26,009 Wait... What do you mean you can make an online reservation at the DMV? 292 00:11:26,107 --> 00:11:28,661 Yes, of course you can! This is 2016. 293 00:11:28,762 --> 00:11:30,663 The DMV is actually very nice now. 294 00:11:30,764 --> 00:11:32,565 I don't understand that you don't know this. 295 00:11:32,666 --> 00:11:35,001 Well, I don't know the Internet that well. 296 00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:37,603 Look at that, 4:45, you have one last appointment today. 297 00:11:37,705 --> 00:11:38,938 You can still make it, look. 298 00:11:39,039 --> 00:11:39,939 Holy shit! 299 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,554 Wait a minute. 300 00:11:43,144 --> 00:11:44,344 What are you... (scissors snipping) 301 00:11:44,445 --> 00:11:46,346 Look, look at this. 302 00:11:46,447 --> 00:11:48,014 You're a miracle worker. 303 00:11:48,115 --> 00:11:49,115 Now go get 'em. 304 00:11:49,216 --> 00:11:50,817 Thanks, Dr. Heller. Love you. 305 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,286 I mean, I'll see you at our next appointment. 306 00:11:53,387 --> 00:11:56,022 Hey, I love you, too. 307 00:12:05,432 --> 00:12:06,733 Hi. 308 00:12:08,302 --> 00:12:10,136 Wow, I love your whole deal. 309 00:12:10,237 --> 00:12:11,204 Mm-hmm. 310 00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:14,374 Anyway, I'm delivering a package for... 311 00:12:17,444 --> 00:12:18,566 Where dis? 312 00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:20,546 It's Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters. 313 00:12:20,647 --> 00:12:21,848 (echoing) Headquarters, headquarters... 314 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:27,253 (choir starts singing majestically) 315 00:12:34,094 --> 00:12:35,028 Mm! 316 00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:40,916 Wow. 317 00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:42,918 - Are you guys hiring? - Do you have a CV? 318 00:12:43,019 --> 00:12:44,319 A... coconut vice? 319 00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:46,187 A resum?? 320 00:12:46,289 --> 00:12:51,126 Um, it is saved on my photo stream for cases like this. 321 00:12:51,227 --> 00:12:52,160 Just don't swipe right. 322 00:12:52,261 --> 00:12:53,495 I just accidentally swiped right. 323 00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:54,696 Okay. 324 00:12:54,797 --> 00:12:57,813 - Great. Can you start today? - Great. 325 00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,735 You should probably see a doctor about that rash. 326 00:12:59,836 --> 00:13:02,637 I know what it is, I'm just tracking the progress, thank you so much. 327 00:13:02,691 --> 00:13:05,278 Ilana Wexler and Hillary Clinton? 328 00:13:05,308 --> 00:13:08,076 Two powerful whomen whorking as whone? 329 00:13:08,177 --> 00:13:10,045 Well, you'll never see her, but, sure. 330 00:13:10,146 --> 00:13:11,546 - I'm not so sure. - I'm pretty sure. 331 00:13:11,647 --> 00:13:13,248 Yeah, you're... You're probably right. 332 00:13:13,349 --> 00:13:16,585 Over the next few weeks, we are gonna push hard toward the primary. 333 00:13:16,686 --> 00:13:19,855 We are gonna call every registered Democratic voter, 334 00:13:19,956 --> 00:13:22,457 we are gonna confirm the location of their polling place. 335 00:13:22,558 --> 00:13:23,892 Every vote counts. 336 00:13:23,993 --> 00:13:25,894 Yas, yas, yas, yas, yas! 337 00:13:25,995 --> 00:13:27,195 Thank you. 338 00:13:27,296 --> 00:13:29,931 But just remind them succinctly that a vote for Hillary 339 00:13:30,032 --> 00:13:31,900 is a vote for the working class. 340 00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:33,268 And minorities. 341 00:13:33,369 --> 00:13:35,704 You know, your caramels, your queers, your Ls, your Gs, 342 00:13:35,805 --> 00:13:37,376 your Bs, your Ts, your Qs. 343 00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:40,302 Vets, right? Babies. The... The handi-capable. 344 00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:42,357 Yes! Thank you, Ms. um...? 345 00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:44,746 Ilana... Rodham Wexler. 346 00:13:44,847 --> 00:13:46,248 I love your enthusiasm, 347 00:13:46,349 --> 00:13:49,217 but how about the next time you have the impulse to say "yas," 348 00:13:49,318 --> 00:13:51,453 you could just nod. 349 00:13:53,422 --> 00:13:54,956 So back to cold-calling. 350 00:13:55,057 --> 00:13:58,226 It's really important to remind people of Hillary's service. 351 00:13:58,327 --> 00:14:00,896 Not only was she Secretary of State. 352 00:14:00,997 --> 00:14:02,364 She was a practicing lawyer. 353 00:14:02,465 --> 00:14:06,168 She expanded health insurance for lower income families. 354 00:14:06,269 --> 00:14:08,236 And she's won a Grammy. 355 00:14:08,337 --> 00:14:09,638 Oh... 356 00:14:09,739 --> 00:14:10,806 (gasping deeply) 357 00:14:12,642 --> 00:14:14,242 I did not know that. 358 00:14:14,343 --> 00:14:18,513 We do not answer questions on: Make-up. 359 00:14:18,614 --> 00:14:19,915 Bras. 360 00:14:20,016 --> 00:14:21,116 Panties. 361 00:14:21,217 --> 00:14:23,318 Um, lastly, some answers 362 00:14:23,419 --> 00:14:25,954 to some common questions we get on calls. 363 00:14:26,055 --> 00:14:29,291 No, Hillary does not cry at the office. 364 00:14:29,392 --> 00:14:31,593 Yes, Hillary can read a map. 365 00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:34,663 No, Hillary will not enforce male birth control 366 00:14:34,764 --> 00:14:37,532 or male pregnancy, as that is not a thing. 367 00:14:37,633 --> 00:14:39,868 And no, Hillary is not a witch. 368 00:14:39,969 --> 00:14:42,003 Do people seriously ask this stuff? 369 00:14:42,104 --> 00:14:43,605 Every day. 370 00:14:44,674 --> 00:14:47,075 Every day! 371 00:14:47,176 --> 00:14:48,777 I guess they do. 372 00:14:58,779 --> 00:15:00,781 _ 373 00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:03,558 (harp playing) What is happening? 374 00:15:07,196 --> 00:15:09,164 May I? 375 00:15:09,265 --> 00:15:10,899 Everything you see, you can taste. 376 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,470 Go ahead, try it. 377 00:15:15,571 --> 00:15:16,938 It's delicious. 378 00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:18,073 I'm happy to hear. 379 00:15:18,174 --> 00:15:19,641 Right this way, Miss Abrams. 380 00:15:19,742 --> 00:15:21,643 Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate. 381 00:15:21,744 --> 00:15:24,813 Oh, look, it's a chocolate fountain and the flowers are edible... (laughing) 382 00:15:24,914 --> 00:15:26,348 Victoria, look, it's Miss Abrams. 383 00:15:26,449 --> 00:15:29,551 We've been waiting for you. 384 00:15:29,652 --> 00:15:30,952 Look, the strawberries match the carpet. 385 00:15:31,053 --> 00:15:33,455 They match the carpet, they're both red! 386 00:15:33,556 --> 00:15:36,804 May I say, what gorgeous hair you're gracing us with today? 387 00:15:36,839 --> 00:15:38,627 Thank you. My, uh... My chiropractor did it. 388 00:15:38,728 --> 00:15:41,796 (laughing) Oh, you're hilarious. 389 00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:44,666 I daresay you're the funniest person I've ever met. 390 00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:46,134 Stop. 391 00:15:46,235 --> 00:15:47,435 This is unbelievable. 392 00:15:47,536 --> 00:15:48,503 Believe it. 393 00:15:48,604 --> 00:15:51,840 This is the DMV the way it can be. 394 00:15:51,941 --> 00:15:53,639 - They are ready for you now. - Okay. 395 00:15:53,797 --> 00:15:55,810 But, why don't you have a massage first? 396 00:15:55,912 --> 00:15:57,913 They can wait. 397 00:15:58,014 --> 00:15:58,914 Okay. 398 00:15:59,015 --> 00:16:00,148 Thank you. 399 00:16:00,249 --> 00:16:01,249 Hi. 400 00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:03,518 (harp continues playing) 401 00:16:05,321 --> 00:16:06,855 I know, it's like, 402 00:16:06,956 --> 00:16:09,057 (in baby voice) "Pweeze, Mr. Cwusty Old White Man, 403 00:16:09,158 --> 00:16:11,393 "can I pweeze keep my ovawies?" 404 00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:13,328 All right, bitch, you better vote... Text me when you do. 405 00:16:13,429 --> 00:16:14,296 Peace. (hangs up) 406 00:16:14,397 --> 00:16:15,835 - Was that a personal call? - No. 407 00:16:15,963 --> 00:16:17,262 Uh, this woman was bovo'ing out 408 00:16:17,299 --> 00:16:19,534 'cause she didn't know where to vote and I was like, I got you. 409 00:16:19,635 --> 00:16:20,702 Great. 410 00:16:21,871 --> 00:16:24,506 Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Hillary Rodham Clinton. 411 00:16:24,607 --> 00:16:26,208 No, she's not a witch. 412 00:16:26,309 --> 00:16:28,276 Um... Do I sound like her? 413 00:16:32,381 --> 00:16:33,248 Ready? 414 00:16:33,349 --> 00:16:37,285 I've never been more ready. 415 00:16:37,386 --> 00:16:39,921 We got it. 416 00:16:40,022 --> 00:16:44,292 Let's do one more, for me. 417 00:16:44,393 --> 00:16:45,527 Wow. 418 00:16:45,628 --> 00:16:46,817 - Yeah. - Really? 419 00:16:46,837 --> 00:16:48,234 Yeah. Are you a model? 420 00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:52,347 You could be. Take his card. Call me. 421 00:16:52,563 --> 00:16:54,836 Cool. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe I will. 422 00:16:54,937 --> 00:16:55,904 I will. 423 00:16:56,005 --> 00:16:57,105 No, you can call a man a bitch. 424 00:16:57,206 --> 00:16:58,073 Later, bitch. 425 00:16:58,174 --> 00:16:59,307 - Uh, Ilana? - Yep? 426 00:16:59,408 --> 00:17:02,144 Hi, I found this on my desk, it has your name on it? 427 00:17:02,245 --> 00:17:03,378 And it says, 428 00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:05,180 "Communications liaison for Hillary Clinton, 429 00:17:05,281 --> 00:17:07,482 future Presidentress of the United States." 430 00:17:07,583 --> 00:17:08,850 I just had those made up really, 431 00:17:08,951 --> 00:17:13,054 so, everybody can be familiar with how to refer to me, 432 00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:14,389 so everybody can reach me. 433 00:17:14,490 --> 00:17:15,857 We know how to reach you, you're... 434 00:17:15,958 --> 00:17:18,894 You're just right here, so. 435 00:17:18,995 --> 00:17:20,228 Fantastic, Barb. 436 00:17:20,329 --> 00:17:21,863 You do not go unnoticed. 437 00:17:21,964 --> 00:17:23,501 - Know that. - Thank you. 438 00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:25,233 - You're on top of your shit. - Okay. 439 00:17:25,334 --> 00:17:27,536 Riding me. Yeah. 440 00:17:31,207 --> 00:17:32,107 (man) Hello? 441 00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,842 Yes, hello, gentle patriot. 442 00:17:33,943 --> 00:17:37,012 I'm calling on behalf of Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton, 443 00:17:37,113 --> 00:17:40,549 first and only mother of Chelsea and Socks. 444 00:17:40,650 --> 00:17:42,484 Sorry, no thanks, I'm at work. 445 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:45,720 Eliot, you have to. 446 00:17:45,822 --> 00:17:48,190 It's me! Ilana! Your sister! 447 00:17:48,291 --> 00:17:49,157 Ilana. 448 00:17:49,258 --> 00:17:51,393 Ms. Rodham-Wexler. 449 00:17:51,494 --> 00:17:52,594 Believe it, dude. 450 00:17:52,695 --> 00:17:54,196 I'm calling you from a landline. 451 00:17:54,297 --> 00:17:55,597 I have a real job now. 452 00:17:55,698 --> 00:17:57,132 It's beautiful, actually, when... 453 00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:59,334 When your work and your passion line up. 454 00:17:59,435 --> 00:18:03,104 You know, I'm making money, but it's not about the money. 455 00:18:03,206 --> 00:18:06,007 You know, just to be clear, this is not a paid job. 456 00:18:06,108 --> 00:18:08,176 You're a volunteer. 457 00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:13,548 (Eliot) Ilana? 458 00:18:13,649 --> 00:18:14,616 Uh... 459 00:18:14,717 --> 00:18:15,817 Ilana? 460 00:18:15,918 --> 00:18:18,253 Okay... 461 00:18:24,961 --> 00:18:25,927 Oh! 462 00:18:26,028 --> 00:18:28,380 Ooof... I got sunscreen in my (bleep)! 463 00:18:35,369 --> 00:18:36,302 Yeah. 464 00:18:36,403 --> 00:18:37,470 Check it out. 465 00:18:37,571 --> 00:18:39,105 This is cool, this is cool to see this. 466 00:18:39,206 --> 00:18:42,842 Your best friend has been working hard all day 467 00:18:42,943 --> 00:18:46,179 on the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign! 468 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,374 She's worked in here. 469 00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:49,865 She's walked on these floors. She's... breathed this air. 470 00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,185 Take it in. (both inhaling deeply) 471 00:18:52,286 --> 00:18:54,020 Yeah, that is power. 472 00:18:54,121 --> 00:18:55,054 It smells decisive. 473 00:18:55,155 --> 00:18:56,622 It smells like confidence. 474 00:18:56,724 --> 00:18:58,491 It smells like no bullshit. 475 00:18:58,592 --> 00:19:00,209 - Yeah. - That's my former desk. 476 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,894 - Wow. - This is my former chair. 477 00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:04,130 - Cool. - Good sitting and calling. 478 00:19:04,231 --> 00:19:06,632 This is the former leaning column. 479 00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:10,429 Sorta talk about big stuff that's going on, domestic, international. 480 00:19:10,476 --> 00:19:12,171 - Very cool. - Very casual. 481 00:19:12,272 --> 00:19:15,541 (voices distorting) 482 00:19:21,248 --> 00:19:23,116 483 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,755 Yas! Yas! 484 00:19:28,856 --> 00:19:31,424 Holy... 485 00:19:31,525 --> 00:19:35,962 (both laughing) Oh... 486 00:19:36,063 --> 00:19:37,263 Oh, yay! 487 00:19:37,364 --> 00:19:39,499 Sorry, we are just so excited. 488 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,167 That's all right, just take your time. 489 00:19:41,268 --> 00:19:42,635 One more. 490 00:19:42,736 --> 00:19:47,707 (both squealing) 491 00:19:47,808 --> 00:19:50,510 Thank... Thank you, Ilana, thank you for all of your help. 492 00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:51,577 You know of me? 493 00:19:51,678 --> 00:19:53,412 Well, you're wearing a nametag. 494 00:19:53,514 --> 00:19:54,781 - Genius. - Yes. 495 00:19:57,217 --> 00:19:58,117 Abbi. 496 00:19:58,218 --> 00:19:59,619 Hello. 497 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:00,820 Proud demo. 498 00:20:00,921 --> 00:20:01,821 Crat. 499 00:20:01,922 --> 00:20:02,889 College! 500 00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:04,791 Aquarius. 501 00:20:04,892 --> 00:20:05,825 I pegged... 502 00:20:05,926 --> 00:20:07,460 Secretary Clinton. 503 00:20:07,561 --> 00:20:09,695 Madam... Pr?sidente. 504 00:20:09,797 --> 00:20:10,830 She-king. 505 00:20:10,931 --> 00:20:13,366 I can't afford to volunteer here full-time, 506 00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:14,967 but I still want to get the word out, 507 00:20:15,068 --> 00:20:17,503 so I vow to tweet once a week, 508 00:20:17,604 --> 00:20:20,506 "Vote for Hillary. Yas, yas, yas." 509 00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:22,175 That would be great. 510 00:20:22,276 --> 00:20:25,211 We need to drum up some excitement for the campaign, 511 00:20:25,312 --> 00:20:27,046 do everything that we possibly can. 512 00:20:27,147 --> 00:20:28,881 You know what I'll do? 513 00:20:31,318 --> 00:20:32,518 Yes. 514 00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:38,524 Look at that! 515 00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:42,128 I thought this would be really good for office morale! 516 00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:43,529 Isn't she great? 517 00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,531 Of course. 518 00:20:45,632 --> 00:20:47,366 We assumed it was a he. 519 00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:49,633 Oh, no, no. It's a she. 520 00:20:49,668 --> 00:20:50,987 (Abbi) It's definitely a she. 521 00:20:51,047 --> 00:20:53,513 Oh, God. Yeah. 522 00:20:53,563 --> 00:20:55,949 - This feels... just right. - Right. 523 00:20:55,999 --> 00:21:00,549 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36325

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