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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:02,775
(Ilana) Okay, so how
many do we have so far?
2
00:00:02,876 --> 00:00:04,277
We're at 59.
3
00:00:04,378 --> 00:00:06,145
(exhales sharply) Okay.
4
00:00:06,246 --> 00:00:07,880
Brrrr... 60.
5
00:00:07,982 --> 00:00:09,415
A GIF basket.
6
00:00:09,516 --> 00:00:12,285
It's an app that stores
.GIFs in your phone
7
00:00:12,386 --> 00:00:13,920
so that when you send a text,
8
00:00:14,021 --> 00:00:15,421
you can send the GIF
faster than your friend.
9
00:00:15,522 --> 00:00:16,923
Love it, going on the list.
10
00:00:17,024 --> 00:00:20,259
Even though, someone at work actually
told me it's pronounced "jiff."
11
00:00:20,361 --> 00:00:21,909
I know, but I am not doing that.
12
00:00:21,944 --> 00:00:24,097
No, it's disgusting. I'm
not doing that either.
13
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,231
Okay, I have one.
14
00:00:25,332 --> 00:00:29,302
A gynecologist that's
also a bikini waxer.
15
00:00:29,403 --> 00:00:32,338
That is a literal one-stop pussy shop.
16
00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:33,606
I love it!
17
00:00:33,707 --> 00:00:35,274
I love you, I love this day.
18
00:00:35,376 --> 00:00:37,777
I think we might actually
be literal geniuses.
19
00:00:37,878 --> 00:00:40,346
Oh, we for sure are geniuses.
20
00:00:40,447 --> 00:00:41,648
Get this.
21
00:00:41,749 --> 00:00:45,184
A skateboard, with a handle.
22
00:00:45,285 --> 00:00:46,919
That's, like, a scooter.
23
00:00:47,021 --> 00:00:48,087
Derr.
24
00:00:48,188 --> 00:00:49,088
Derr, derr, derr, derr.
25
00:00:49,189 --> 00:00:50,423
Okay, I have one.
26
00:00:50,524 --> 00:00:53,168
Boots that have magnets on the
bottom, so when you walk around,
27
00:00:53,203 --> 00:00:55,512
you're just picking up change.
You never need to bend over.
28
00:00:55,547 --> 00:00:56,529
I love that.
29
00:00:56,630 --> 00:00:59,065
Then I could be the
Jewish stereotype that I am
30
00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,652
without being known for it.
31
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,610
Exactly, dude.
32
00:01:04,438 --> 00:01:06,673
God, this is the most
productive morning of my life.
33
00:01:06,774 --> 00:01:08,899
- I feel rejuvenated.
- I'm truly alive.
34
00:01:08,934 --> 00:01:10,109
Okay, we're at 63.
35
00:01:10,210 --> 00:01:11,344
I say we get brunch.
36
00:01:11,445 --> 00:01:14,582
If by brunch, you mean bodega
bacon egg and cheese, then I am in.
37
00:01:14,682 --> 00:01:16,249
Dass it.
38
00:01:16,350 --> 00:01:18,117
Damn, the park is serene today.
39
00:01:18,218 --> 00:01:20,353
It's just, like, beautiful.
Why don't we come here more?
40
00:01:20,454 --> 00:01:21,888
- It's just far.
- It is far.
41
00:01:21,989 --> 00:01:24,257
Four and three
and two and one-one
42
00:01:25,105 --> 00:01:28,649
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
43
00:01:29,530 --> 00:01:33,866
Swimmers have, like, hard
pubes and shriveled dicks.
44
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:35,468
Football's, like, too scary.
45
00:01:35,569 --> 00:01:37,937
Baseball can be hot, but you
need a shortstop or something.
46
00:01:38,038 --> 00:01:38,766
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
47
00:01:38,909 --> 00:01:42,341
For me, it's wrestlers,
gymnasts... jockeys, bay-bay!
48
00:01:42,443 --> 00:01:45,445
I would ride those tiny
jacked little bodies.
49
00:01:45,546 --> 00:01:47,380
It's like me, but, like, a boy.
50
00:01:47,481 --> 00:01:48,448
You okay?
51
00:01:48,549 --> 00:01:51,684
Like, I don't want to go
today. It's gonna suck so bad.
52
00:01:51,785 --> 00:01:52,719
Listen.
53
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,654
This day comes for all of us.
54
00:01:54,755 --> 00:01:59,058
You must get your license renewed.
55
00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:01,561
At the DMV.
56
00:02:01,662 --> 00:02:02,995
V, V, V...
57
00:02:03,097 --> 00:02:05,182
- It sucks, but you are gonna kill it.
- All right, yeah.
58
00:02:05,297 --> 00:02:08,288
In the span of your whole
lifetime, it's a second.
59
00:02:08,836 --> 00:02:11,137
But in reality, it'll
be, like, 12 hours.
60
00:02:11,238 --> 00:02:13,039
You know what? You're right.
61
00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:15,108
This could be exciting. You know why?
62
00:02:15,209 --> 00:02:18,711
This is gonna be the time that I
take a license photo that is good.
63
00:02:18,812 --> 00:02:20,713
'Course you are. With that ass?
64
00:02:20,814 --> 00:02:22,582
They don't let you put
your ass in the photo.
65
00:02:22,683 --> 00:02:23,816
They really should.
66
00:02:23,917 --> 00:02:26,719
I know you from your ass
better than I know your face.
67
00:02:26,820 --> 00:02:30,469
You know me from my ass better
than you know me from my face?
68
00:02:30,504 --> 00:02:33,493
Yep, and hearing it said back to
me slower only validates it more.
69
00:02:33,594 --> 00:02:34,761
Okay.
70
00:02:34,862 --> 00:02:38,164
Well, we are just two sangle
gals doing our thang today.
71
00:02:38,265 --> 00:02:41,067
I applied for over three
jobs and haven't gotten any.
72
00:02:41,168 --> 00:02:43,503
Today is all about that hustle.
73
00:02:43,604 --> 00:02:44,504
All right, I'll see ya.
74
00:02:44,605 --> 00:02:46,372
I gotta go this way. Ilana!
75
00:02:46,473 --> 00:02:49,549
- Love that lip color.
- Oh, thanks. I found it, it was a rescue.
76
00:02:49,910 --> 00:02:51,110
You found it?
77
00:02:51,211 --> 00:02:53,346
Yeah, there was more than half
left, so I cut the top off.
78
00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:56,516
You don't... buy new. Do you?
79
00:02:56,617 --> 00:02:57,950
No, that's disgusting.
80
00:02:58,051 --> 00:02:59,285
All right.
81
00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:01,053
Later, bitch!
82
00:03:03,791 --> 00:03:06,692
So I need my hair to look
perfect for this photo.
83
00:03:06,794 --> 00:03:09,695
I gotcha, girl. You're gonna look
just like a "Bachelor" contestant.
84
00:03:09,797 --> 00:03:10,934
Oh, uh, no...
85
00:03:10,970 --> 00:03:13,533
No, but one that quits 'cause
she's too good for the show.
86
00:03:13,634 --> 00:03:16,669
Okay, yes, that is perfect.
87
00:03:16,770 --> 00:03:18,938
For real, every single
professional photo
88
00:03:19,039 --> 00:03:22,775
I have ever taken my whole
life has come out horrible.
89
00:03:22,876 --> 00:03:24,644
- Everyone says that.
- No, they are.
90
00:03:24,745 --> 00:03:26,012
I have them all on my phone.
91
00:03:26,113 --> 00:03:28,481
Great, so this is my last license photo.
92
00:03:28,582 --> 00:03:29,849
You see, it's like...
93
00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:32,518
Trying showing that to the cops
every time you get pulled over, huh?
94
00:03:32,619 --> 00:03:34,537
This is my senior photo. That's gross.
95
00:03:34,588 --> 00:03:37,123
It's like, I had braces
for a very long time.
96
00:03:37,224 --> 00:03:39,425
Braces cut up the whole
inside of my mouth.
97
00:03:39,526 --> 00:03:40,693
No one ever tells you that.
98
00:03:40,794 --> 00:03:44,221
This is my homecoming photo,
with my high school boyfriend.
99
00:03:44,256 --> 00:03:45,413
You think he was gay?
100
00:03:46,066 --> 00:03:48,167
Um, I don't like to go
off of looks, but I mean...
101
00:03:48,268 --> 00:03:49,302
- He was gay.
- Yeah, he was gay.
102
00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,983
I didn't know. But then
everybody knew, you know?
103
00:03:52,018 --> 00:03:53,971
- Yeah.
- Like, all the teachers knew, too.
104
00:03:54,006 --> 00:03:56,153
- Wow.
- And he's actually a billionaire now.
105
00:03:56,377 --> 00:03:57,610
In Idaho, yeah.
106
00:03:57,711 --> 00:03:59,212
Oh, this is my passport photo.
107
00:03:59,313 --> 00:04:00,346
Is that a bee?
108
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:01,897
Yeah, that is a bee.
109
00:04:01,907 --> 00:04:04,517
This bee followed me
around Astoria for 30 days.
110
00:04:04,618 --> 00:04:06,101
- Oh, my gosh.
- What?
111
00:04:06,249 --> 00:04:09,622
I can't believe I almost forgot. Deals,
Deals, Deals coupon for this haircut.
112
00:04:09,723 --> 00:04:11,457
This makes your haircut like $15.
113
00:04:11,558 --> 00:04:13,359
I know. How amazing is that?
114
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,595
I guess, um... Well,
then we'll get started.
115
00:04:15,696 --> 00:04:18,197
So I was thinking some
layers, maybe, um...
116
00:04:18,298 --> 00:04:21,134
And we are done.
117
00:04:21,235 --> 00:04:23,495
- Are we?
- Yeah.
118
00:04:27,307 --> 00:04:29,042
Ow, my subluxation!
119
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:30,143
Oh!
120
00:04:30,244 --> 00:04:31,711
Oh, no!
121
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:36,416
Ladies and gentle dudes.
122
00:04:36,517 --> 00:04:37,950
I've fallen on hard times.
123
00:04:38,052 --> 00:04:40,586
After graduating from
New York University,
124
00:04:40,688 --> 00:04:43,523
I lost my job at an Internet startup.
125
00:04:43,624 --> 00:04:44,691
Deals, Deals, Deals.
126
00:04:44,792 --> 00:04:46,726
Check 'em out, I bear them no ill will.
127
00:04:46,827 --> 00:04:49,762
Anyway, I'm not panhandling,
I'm just performing for tips.
128
00:04:49,863 --> 00:04:51,764
Tip if you like, you know, no presh.
129
00:04:51,865 --> 00:04:53,299
Here we go.
130
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,968
(tap dancing)
131
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,381
Thank you so much.
132
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:10,316
Thank you so much for your generosity.
133
00:05:15,255 --> 00:05:16,355
Oh, my God, Ilana.
134
00:05:16,457 --> 00:05:17,457
Eliot!
135
00:05:17,558 --> 00:05:19,277
I didn't know you take the A train. Hi.
136
00:05:19,307 --> 00:05:21,260
Ilana, I was filming you for my Tumblr.
137
00:05:21,361 --> 00:05:22,795
Oh, my God. Me?
138
00:05:22,896 --> 00:05:24,809
For Q Believe This Idiot. Tumblr.com?
139
00:05:24,844 --> 00:05:27,110
- Here, get a better one?
- No, you idiot... Oh, my God.
140
00:05:27,235 --> 00:05:30,204
Mom doesn't know you got fired and
I'm getting tired of covering for you.
141
00:05:30,355 --> 00:05:31,871
You need to get a real job.
142
00:05:31,972 --> 00:05:35,541
I mean, you were born in the '90s. I'm
sure you've got a Flappy Bird in you.
143
00:05:35,642 --> 00:05:37,940
Eliot, this is a real job.
144
00:05:38,679 --> 00:05:41,914
(man's voice) Stand clear of the
closing doors, please. (doors chime)
145
00:05:42,015 --> 00:05:43,327
Thank you. You see?
146
00:05:43,362 --> 00:05:46,719
Yeah, honestly, you not listening
to me about this is homophobic.
147
00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:49,399
- It is?
- No, it's not, but get a job.
148
00:05:50,691 --> 00:05:53,762
I knew you were right
before I did the flip.
149
00:05:57,364 --> 00:05:59,398
Oh that's not so bad.
150
00:06:01,034 --> 00:06:03,002
Oh, God.
151
00:06:08,408 --> 00:06:10,510
Oh.
152
00:06:12,646 --> 00:06:14,947
G-42.
153
00:06:15,048 --> 00:06:16,749
Picture of a hammer?
154
00:06:20,454 --> 00:06:22,421
It's me! (cackling wildly)
155
00:06:22,523 --> 00:06:25,057
That's me! (cackling)
156
00:06:25,159 --> 00:06:27,026
I can't believe...
157
00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:29,962
I'm free! (laughing insanely)
158
00:06:30,063 --> 00:06:31,247
Oh, my God.
159
00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:33,766
(woman continues cackling)
160
00:06:37,604 --> 00:06:40,039
(Ilana) Come on... you're a temp agency.
161
00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:42,208
Look, I've asked you three
times. Just please leave.
162
00:06:42,309 --> 00:06:44,811
I can't, I need a job.
163
00:06:44,912 --> 00:06:46,012
(gulping)
164
00:06:46,113 --> 00:06:47,680
A real job.
165
00:06:47,781 --> 00:06:50,683
No, every time I try to help
you, it turns into a disaster.
166
00:06:50,784 --> 00:06:52,451
- The Chinese food?
- I was hungry.
167
00:06:52,553 --> 00:06:53,986
- The plane tickets?
- I was thirsty.
168
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:54,987
The door?
169
00:06:55,088 --> 00:06:57,332
I did not know it was
a door. That shape.
170
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,859
You know what? My life is just
a mess right now anyways, okay?
171
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,227
Between you and me, the...
172
00:07:01,328 --> 00:07:02,728
I'm barely hanging on to
this business as it is.
173
00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:04,764
- No.
- See this tooth?
174
00:07:04,865 --> 00:07:05,798
Dead.
175
00:07:05,899 --> 00:07:07,233
(microwave dings)
176
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:13,272
Is it supposed to take more than
three days to heat up a potato?
177
00:07:13,373 --> 00:07:14,340
I don't think so.
178
00:07:14,441 --> 00:07:16,809
See? Everything in my life is broken.
179
00:07:16,910 --> 00:07:18,611
Plus, I'm two months pregnant.
180
00:07:18,712 --> 00:07:20,279
- Two?!
- Yeah.
181
00:07:20,380 --> 00:07:22,315
I probably shouldn't even
be telling people yet.
182
00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:26,252
Ugh, what is happening to my life?
183
00:07:26,353 --> 00:07:27,620
Will you just come lay with me?
184
00:07:27,721 --> 00:07:28,754
Just...
185
00:07:28,856 --> 00:07:29,822
hold my hand?
186
00:07:29,923 --> 00:07:32,158
Um...
187
00:07:32,259 --> 00:07:33,593
Yeah.
188
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:38,865
Maybe I should just chuck
it all and start over.
189
00:07:38,966 --> 00:07:41,968
Do you know of any good jobs?
190
00:07:42,069 --> 00:07:43,603
No...
191
00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:46,072
Do you?
192
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:54,714
(in pain) Oh! Ahh!
193
00:08:02,589 --> 00:08:04,624
(flies buzzing)
194
00:08:09,496 --> 00:08:11,097
(whispering) Hey. Hey.
195
00:08:11,198 --> 00:08:14,133
(whispers) Yeah? Want some?
196
00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:18,471
(electronic chime)
197
00:08:19,873 --> 00:08:21,274
That's my number! There's mine!
198
00:08:21,275 --> 00:08:22,275
I win! Oh, excuse me.
199
00:08:22,376 --> 00:08:24,243
Hi, Abbi Abrams, finally.
200
00:08:24,344 --> 00:08:25,745
Smile on the count of three.
201
00:08:25,846 --> 00:08:28,848
Okay, hold... Just hold... Okay.
202
00:08:28,949 --> 00:08:30,149
Face forward, please.
203
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:33,519
Can't we just do, like, a
sideways, like, pouty, cool thing?
204
00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,921
You have to face forward.
205
00:08:35,022 --> 00:08:36,389
It's regulation.
206
00:08:36,490 --> 00:08:38,324
Or we could just use your old photo.
207
00:08:38,425 --> 00:08:39,992
No, no, no, no.
208
00:08:40,094 --> 00:08:41,675
Okay. Can you just count me down?
209
00:08:41,801 --> 00:08:44,197
'Cause I can only face
forward for, like, a second.
210
00:08:44,298 --> 00:08:45,565
Three...
211
00:08:45,666 --> 00:08:47,066
Two...
212
00:08:47,167 --> 00:08:48,267
One.
213
00:08:48,368 --> 00:08:50,670
(neck crunching) Oh!
214
00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:54,007
Repeat after me.
215
00:08:54,108 --> 00:08:55,875
I am a badass queen.
216
00:08:55,976 --> 00:08:58,211
I am a badass queen.
217
00:08:58,312 --> 00:09:00,213
Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!
218
00:09:00,314 --> 00:09:01,848
Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!
219
00:09:01,949 --> 00:09:03,416
That was great.
220
00:09:03,517 --> 00:09:05,018
Thank you. Thank you so much.
221
00:09:05,119 --> 00:09:07,153
- You're very welcome.
- You are so wise.
222
00:09:07,254 --> 00:09:09,522
You have so much insight. You know what?
223
00:09:09,623 --> 00:09:11,691
- I have the perfect job for you.
- Social worker?
224
00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:12,659
Bike messenger.
225
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:13,993
Even better.
226
00:09:14,094 --> 00:09:16,296
Yass!
227
00:09:18,899 --> 00:09:20,466
Ass, ass, ass, ass.
228
00:09:20,568 --> 00:09:23,136
Ass, ass, ass, ass.
229
00:09:23,237 --> 00:09:24,671
Here you go!
230
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:26,139
This isn't for me!
231
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,208
Oh, yes it is!
232
00:09:28,309 --> 00:09:29,509
How did she do that?
233
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:32,378
(cell phone vibrating)
234
00:09:32,479 --> 00:09:33,546
Hey.
235
00:09:33,647 --> 00:09:35,748
Dude, my purpose was
revealed to me today.
236
00:09:35,850 --> 00:09:37,050
From God.
237
00:09:37,151 --> 00:09:38,751
Uh, what, dude? Where are you?
238
00:09:38,853 --> 00:09:40,920
I'm bike messengering. I
have been for, like, an hour.
239
00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:43,823
My ass is v. sore, but that's
what you get when you're BM queen.
240
00:09:43,924 --> 00:09:46,125
I don't know if you should
call yourself a BM queen, right?
241
00:09:46,227 --> 00:09:47,516
I mean it both ways.
242
00:09:47,551 --> 00:09:49,162
Where are you? How's that pic?
243
00:09:49,263 --> 00:09:51,931
It was horrible, so,
I threw my neck out.
244
00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:53,333
Oh...
245
00:09:53,434 --> 00:09:54,634
I threw my neck out
246
00:09:54,735 --> 00:09:57,203
and I think I need to go
to the chiropractor, so.
247
00:09:57,304 --> 00:09:58,204
Oh, my God.
248
00:09:58,305 --> 00:09:59,739
Drop a pin, I'll pick you up.
249
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,841
It would be an honor to deliver
the most precious package
250
00:10:01,942 --> 00:10:03,309
in all of New York City.
251
00:10:03,410 --> 00:10:04,744
Dat ass.
252
00:10:06,947 --> 00:10:08,681
(whimpering) Oh...
253
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,149
(car honking)
254
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:13,620
255
00:10:13,721 --> 00:10:15,054
Ow!
256
00:10:15,155 --> 00:10:16,256
There she is
257
00:10:16,357 --> 00:10:19,425
The most beautiful
girl in the world
258
00:10:19,526 --> 00:10:20,426
Shit.
259
00:10:20,527 --> 00:10:21,527
Yikes.
260
00:10:21,629 --> 00:10:22,829
That's bad!
261
00:10:22,930 --> 00:10:25,298
We gotta go really slow,
because I really (bleep) my neck.
262
00:10:25,399 --> 00:10:28,067
You won't even know you're on a bike.
263
00:10:28,168 --> 00:10:29,302
Ahh!
264
00:10:29,403 --> 00:10:31,004
I'm definitely on a bike!
265
00:10:31,105 --> 00:10:32,338
Oh, shit!
266
00:10:32,439 --> 00:10:34,607
Oh, my God, slow down, dude!
267
00:10:34,708 --> 00:10:37,343
Thank you so much, Dr. Heller,
you're really saving my life today.
268
00:10:37,444 --> 00:10:40,980
You need to be sure you're
taking care of yourself, Abbi.
269
00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:42,015
(cracking) Ow.
270
00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:43,149
You getting enough sleep?
271
00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,051
Well, I mostly tussle,
but I think I'm getting,
272
00:10:45,152 --> 00:10:47,987
like, a solid six hours
of tussling per night.
273
00:10:48,088 --> 00:10:49,188
(cracking) Oh!
274
00:10:49,290 --> 00:10:51,224
And I know your work is very important
275
00:10:51,325 --> 00:10:54,492
and actually, somebody just bought
one of your drawings off my wall.
276
00:10:54,527 --> 00:10:55,461
I saw!
277
00:10:55,462 --> 00:10:57,628
- Last week, about $45.
- Yeah.
278
00:10:57,786 --> 00:11:00,667
That covers your co-pay, so that
means this appointment is for free.
279
00:11:00,768 --> 00:11:02,635
- Yes!
- Yes.
280
00:11:02,736 --> 00:11:04,203
(cracking, farting) Oh!
281
00:11:04,305 --> 00:11:05,872
Oh, good.
282
00:11:05,973 --> 00:11:07,974
Good, that's very healthy.
283
00:11:08,075 --> 00:11:09,175
I'm sorry.
284
00:11:09,276 --> 00:11:12,545
And next time, when you make an
appointment at the DMV, do it online.
285
00:11:12,646 --> 00:11:14,580
That way when you get there,
it just takes a minute.
286
00:11:14,682 --> 00:11:16,004
Wait. Wait, what? Oh!
287
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:17,884
Lie down, lie down
again, lie down again.
288
00:11:17,985 --> 00:11:19,218
You did it again.
289
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,354
(cracking) Ow.
290
00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:22,956
I'm proud of you.
291
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:26,009
Wait... What do you mean you can
make an online reservation at the DMV?
292
00:11:26,107 --> 00:11:28,661
Yes, of course you can! This is 2016.
293
00:11:28,762 --> 00:11:30,663
The DMV is actually very nice now.
294
00:11:30,764 --> 00:11:32,565
I don't understand that
you don't know this.
295
00:11:32,666 --> 00:11:35,001
Well, I don't know
the Internet that well.
296
00:11:35,102 --> 00:11:37,603
Look at that, 4:45, you have
one last appointment today.
297
00:11:37,705 --> 00:11:38,938
You can still make it, look.
298
00:11:39,039 --> 00:11:39,939
Holy shit!
299
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,554
Wait a minute.
300
00:11:43,144 --> 00:11:44,344
What are you... (scissors snipping)
301
00:11:44,445 --> 00:11:46,346
Look, look at this.
302
00:11:46,447 --> 00:11:48,014
You're a miracle worker.
303
00:11:48,115 --> 00:11:49,115
Now go get 'em.
304
00:11:49,216 --> 00:11:50,817
Thanks, Dr. Heller. Love you.
305
00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,286
I mean, I'll see you
at our next appointment.
306
00:11:53,387 --> 00:11:56,022
Hey, I love you, too.
307
00:12:05,432 --> 00:12:06,733
Hi.
308
00:12:08,302 --> 00:12:10,136
Wow, I love your whole deal.
309
00:12:10,237 --> 00:12:11,204
Mm-hmm.
310
00:12:11,305 --> 00:12:14,374
Anyway, I'm delivering a package for...
311
00:12:17,444 --> 00:12:18,566
Where dis?
312
00:12:18,601 --> 00:12:20,546
It's Hillary Clinton's
campaign headquarters.
313
00:12:20,647 --> 00:12:21,848
(echoing) Headquarters, headquarters...
314
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:27,253
(choir starts singing majestically)
315
00:12:34,094 --> 00:12:35,028
Mm!
316
00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:40,916
Wow.
317
00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:42,918
- Are you guys hiring?
- Do you have a CV?
318
00:12:43,019 --> 00:12:44,319
A... coconut vice?
319
00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:46,187
A resum??
320
00:12:46,289 --> 00:12:51,126
Um, it is saved on my photo
stream for cases like this.
321
00:12:51,227 --> 00:12:52,160
Just don't swipe right.
322
00:12:52,261 --> 00:12:53,495
I just accidentally swiped right.
323
00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:54,696
Okay.
324
00:12:54,797 --> 00:12:57,813
- Great. Can you start today?
- Great.
325
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,735
You should probably see
a doctor about that rash.
326
00:12:59,836 --> 00:13:02,637
I know what it is, I'm just tracking
the progress, thank you so much.
327
00:13:02,691 --> 00:13:05,278
Ilana Wexler and Hillary Clinton?
328
00:13:05,308 --> 00:13:08,076
Two powerful whomen whorking as whone?
329
00:13:08,177 --> 00:13:10,045
Well, you'll never see her, but, sure.
330
00:13:10,146 --> 00:13:11,546
- I'm not so sure.
- I'm pretty sure.
331
00:13:11,647 --> 00:13:13,248
Yeah, you're... You're probably right.
332
00:13:13,349 --> 00:13:16,585
Over the next few weeks, we are
gonna push hard toward the primary.
333
00:13:16,686 --> 00:13:19,855
We are gonna call every
registered Democratic voter,
334
00:13:19,956 --> 00:13:22,457
we are gonna confirm the
location of their polling place.
335
00:13:22,558 --> 00:13:23,892
Every vote counts.
336
00:13:23,993 --> 00:13:25,894
Yas, yas, yas, yas, yas!
337
00:13:25,995 --> 00:13:27,195
Thank you.
338
00:13:27,296 --> 00:13:29,931
But just remind them succinctly
that a vote for Hillary
339
00:13:30,032 --> 00:13:31,900
is a vote for the working class.
340
00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:33,268
And minorities.
341
00:13:33,369 --> 00:13:35,704
You know, your caramels,
your queers, your Ls, your Gs,
342
00:13:35,805 --> 00:13:37,376
your Bs, your Ts, your Qs.
343
00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:40,302
Vets, right? Babies.
The... The handi-capable.
344
00:13:40,341 --> 00:13:42,357
Yes! Thank you, Ms. um...?
345
00:13:42,490 --> 00:13:44,746
Ilana... Rodham Wexler.
346
00:13:44,847 --> 00:13:46,248
I love your enthusiasm,
347
00:13:46,349 --> 00:13:49,217
but how about the next time you
have the impulse to say "yas,"
348
00:13:49,318 --> 00:13:51,453
you could just nod.
349
00:13:53,422 --> 00:13:54,956
So back to cold-calling.
350
00:13:55,057 --> 00:13:58,226
It's really important to remind
people of Hillary's service.
351
00:13:58,327 --> 00:14:00,896
Not only was she Secretary of State.
352
00:14:00,997 --> 00:14:02,364
She was a practicing lawyer.
353
00:14:02,465 --> 00:14:06,168
She expanded health insurance
for lower income families.
354
00:14:06,269 --> 00:14:08,236
And she's won a Grammy.
355
00:14:08,337 --> 00:14:09,638
Oh...
356
00:14:09,739 --> 00:14:10,806
(gasping deeply)
357
00:14:12,642 --> 00:14:14,242
I did not know that.
358
00:14:14,343 --> 00:14:18,513
We do not answer questions on: Make-up.
359
00:14:18,614 --> 00:14:19,915
Bras.
360
00:14:20,016 --> 00:14:21,116
Panties.
361
00:14:21,217 --> 00:14:23,318
Um, lastly, some answers
362
00:14:23,419 --> 00:14:25,954
to some common questions
we get on calls.
363
00:14:26,055 --> 00:14:29,291
No, Hillary does not cry at the office.
364
00:14:29,392 --> 00:14:31,593
Yes, Hillary can read a map.
365
00:14:31,694 --> 00:14:34,663
No, Hillary will not
enforce male birth control
366
00:14:34,764 --> 00:14:37,532
or male pregnancy, as
that is not a thing.
367
00:14:37,633 --> 00:14:39,868
And no, Hillary is not a witch.
368
00:14:39,969 --> 00:14:42,003
Do people seriously ask this stuff?
369
00:14:42,104 --> 00:14:43,605
Every day.
370
00:14:44,674 --> 00:14:47,075
Every day!
371
00:14:47,176 --> 00:14:48,777
I guess they do.
372
00:14:58,779 --> 00:15:00,781
_
373
00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:03,558
(harp playing) What is happening?
374
00:15:07,196 --> 00:15:09,164
May I?
375
00:15:09,265 --> 00:15:10,899
Everything you see, you can taste.
376
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,470
Go ahead, try it.
377
00:15:15,571 --> 00:15:16,938
It's delicious.
378
00:15:17,039 --> 00:15:18,073
I'm happy to hear.
379
00:15:18,174 --> 00:15:19,641
Right this way, Miss Abrams.
380
00:15:19,742 --> 00:15:21,643
Dark chocolate, milk
chocolate, white chocolate.
381
00:15:21,744 --> 00:15:24,813
Oh, look, it's a chocolate fountain
and the flowers are edible... (laughing)
382
00:15:24,914 --> 00:15:26,348
Victoria, look, it's Miss Abrams.
383
00:15:26,449 --> 00:15:29,551
We've been waiting for you.
384
00:15:29,652 --> 00:15:30,952
Look, the strawberries match the carpet.
385
00:15:31,053 --> 00:15:33,455
They match the carpet, they're both red!
386
00:15:33,556 --> 00:15:36,804
May I say, what gorgeous hair
you're gracing us with today?
387
00:15:36,839 --> 00:15:38,627
Thank you. My, uh...
My chiropractor did it.
388
00:15:38,728 --> 00:15:41,796
(laughing) Oh, you're hilarious.
389
00:15:41,898 --> 00:15:44,666
I daresay you're the
funniest person I've ever met.
390
00:15:44,767 --> 00:15:46,134
Stop.
391
00:15:46,235 --> 00:15:47,435
This is unbelievable.
392
00:15:47,536 --> 00:15:48,503
Believe it.
393
00:15:48,604 --> 00:15:51,840
This is the DMV the way it can be.
394
00:15:51,941 --> 00:15:53,639
- They are ready for you now.
- Okay.
395
00:15:53,797 --> 00:15:55,810
But, why don't you have a massage first?
396
00:15:55,912 --> 00:15:57,913
They can wait.
397
00:15:58,014 --> 00:15:58,914
Okay.
398
00:15:59,015 --> 00:16:00,148
Thank you.
399
00:16:00,249 --> 00:16:01,249
Hi.
400
00:16:01,350 --> 00:16:03,518
(harp continues playing)
401
00:16:05,321 --> 00:16:06,855
I know, it's like,
402
00:16:06,956 --> 00:16:09,057
(in baby voice) "Pweeze,
Mr. Cwusty Old White Man,
403
00:16:09,158 --> 00:16:11,393
"can I pweeze keep my ovawies?"
404
00:16:11,494 --> 00:16:13,328
All right, bitch, you better
vote... Text me when you do.
405
00:16:13,429 --> 00:16:14,296
Peace. (hangs up)
406
00:16:14,397 --> 00:16:15,835
- Was that a personal call?
- No.
407
00:16:15,963 --> 00:16:17,262
Uh, this woman was bovo'ing out
408
00:16:17,299 --> 00:16:19,534
'cause she didn't know where to
vote and I was like, I got you.
409
00:16:19,635 --> 00:16:20,702
Great.
410
00:16:21,871 --> 00:16:24,506
Hi, I'm calling on behalf
of Hillary Rodham Clinton.
411
00:16:24,607 --> 00:16:26,208
No, she's not a witch.
412
00:16:26,309 --> 00:16:28,276
Um... Do I sound like her?
413
00:16:32,381 --> 00:16:33,248
Ready?
414
00:16:33,349 --> 00:16:37,285
I've never been more ready.
415
00:16:37,386 --> 00:16:39,921
We got it.
416
00:16:40,022 --> 00:16:44,292
Let's do one more, for me.
417
00:16:44,393 --> 00:16:45,527
Wow.
418
00:16:45,628 --> 00:16:46,817
- Yeah.
- Really?
419
00:16:46,837 --> 00:16:48,234
Yeah. Are you a model?
420
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:52,347
You could be. Take his card. Call me.
421
00:16:52,563 --> 00:16:54,836
Cool. I mean, yeah, sure, maybe I will.
422
00:16:54,937 --> 00:16:55,904
I will.
423
00:16:56,005 --> 00:16:57,105
No, you can call a man a bitch.
424
00:16:57,206 --> 00:16:58,073
Later, bitch.
425
00:16:58,174 --> 00:16:59,307
- Uh, Ilana?
- Yep?
426
00:16:59,408 --> 00:17:02,144
Hi, I found this on my
desk, it has your name on it?
427
00:17:02,245 --> 00:17:03,378
And it says,
428
00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:05,180
"Communications liaison
for Hillary Clinton,
429
00:17:05,281 --> 00:17:07,482
future Presidentress
of the United States."
430
00:17:07,583 --> 00:17:08,850
I just had those made up really,
431
00:17:08,951 --> 00:17:13,054
so, everybody can be familiar
with how to refer to me,
432
00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:14,389
so everybody can reach me.
433
00:17:14,490 --> 00:17:15,857
We know how to reach you, you're...
434
00:17:15,958 --> 00:17:18,894
You're just right here, so.
435
00:17:18,995 --> 00:17:20,228
Fantastic, Barb.
436
00:17:20,329 --> 00:17:21,863
You do not go unnoticed.
437
00:17:21,964 --> 00:17:23,501
- Know that.
- Thank you.
438
00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:25,233
- You're on top of your shit.
- Okay.
439
00:17:25,334 --> 00:17:27,536
Riding me. Yeah.
440
00:17:31,207 --> 00:17:32,107
(man) Hello?
441
00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,842
Yes, hello, gentle patriot.
442
00:17:33,943 --> 00:17:37,012
I'm calling on behalf of
Ms. Hillary Rodham Clinton,
443
00:17:37,113 --> 00:17:40,549
first and only mother
of Chelsea and Socks.
444
00:17:40,650 --> 00:17:42,484
Sorry, no thanks, I'm at work.
445
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:45,720
Eliot, you have to.
446
00:17:45,822 --> 00:17:48,190
It's me! Ilana! Your sister!
447
00:17:48,291 --> 00:17:49,157
Ilana.
448
00:17:49,258 --> 00:17:51,393
Ms. Rodham-Wexler.
449
00:17:51,494 --> 00:17:52,594
Believe it, dude.
450
00:17:52,695 --> 00:17:54,196
I'm calling you from a landline.
451
00:17:54,297 --> 00:17:55,597
I have a real job now.
452
00:17:55,698 --> 00:17:57,132
It's beautiful, actually, when...
453
00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:59,334
When your work and your passion line up.
454
00:17:59,435 --> 00:18:03,104
You know, I'm making money,
but it's not about the money.
455
00:18:03,206 --> 00:18:06,007
You know, just to be clear,
this is not a paid job.
456
00:18:06,108 --> 00:18:08,176
You're a volunteer.
457
00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:13,548
(Eliot) Ilana?
458
00:18:13,649 --> 00:18:14,616
Uh...
459
00:18:14,717 --> 00:18:15,817
Ilana?
460
00:18:15,918 --> 00:18:18,253
Okay...
461
00:18:24,961 --> 00:18:25,927
Oh!
462
00:18:26,028 --> 00:18:28,380
Ooof... I got sunscreen in my (bleep)!
463
00:18:35,369 --> 00:18:36,302
Yeah.
464
00:18:36,403 --> 00:18:37,470
Check it out.
465
00:18:37,571 --> 00:18:39,105
This is cool, this is cool to see this.
466
00:18:39,206 --> 00:18:42,842
Your best friend has
been working hard all day
467
00:18:42,943 --> 00:18:46,179
on the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign!
468
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,374
She's worked in here.
469
00:18:47,409 --> 00:18:49,865
She's walked on these floors.
She's... breathed this air.
470
00:18:49,900 --> 00:18:52,185
Take it in. (both inhaling deeply)
471
00:18:52,286 --> 00:18:54,020
Yeah, that is power.
472
00:18:54,121 --> 00:18:55,054
It smells decisive.
473
00:18:55,155 --> 00:18:56,622
It smells like confidence.
474
00:18:56,724 --> 00:18:58,491
It smells like no bullshit.
475
00:18:58,592 --> 00:19:00,209
- Yeah.
- That's my former desk.
476
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:01,894
- Wow.
- This is my former chair.
477
00:19:01,995 --> 00:19:04,130
- Cool.
- Good sitting and calling.
478
00:19:04,231 --> 00:19:06,632
This is the former leaning column.
479
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:10,429
Sorta talk about big stuff that's
going on, domestic, international.
480
00:19:10,476 --> 00:19:12,171
- Very cool.
- Very casual.
481
00:19:12,272 --> 00:19:15,541
(voices distorting)
482
00:19:21,248 --> 00:19:23,116
483
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,755
Yas! Yas!
484
00:19:28,856 --> 00:19:31,424
Holy...
485
00:19:31,525 --> 00:19:35,962
(both laughing) Oh...
486
00:19:36,063 --> 00:19:37,263
Oh, yay!
487
00:19:37,364 --> 00:19:39,499
Sorry, we are just so excited.
488
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,167
That's all right, just take your time.
489
00:19:41,268 --> 00:19:42,635
One more.
490
00:19:42,736 --> 00:19:47,707
(both squealing)
491
00:19:47,808 --> 00:19:50,510
Thank... Thank you, Ilana,
thank you for all of your help.
492
00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:51,577
You know of me?
493
00:19:51,678 --> 00:19:53,412
Well, you're wearing a nametag.
494
00:19:53,514 --> 00:19:54,781
- Genius.
- Yes.
495
00:19:57,217 --> 00:19:58,117
Abbi.
496
00:19:58,218 --> 00:19:59,619
Hello.
497
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:00,820
Proud demo.
498
00:20:00,921 --> 00:20:01,821
Crat.
499
00:20:01,922 --> 00:20:02,889
College!
500
00:20:02,990 --> 00:20:04,791
Aquarius.
501
00:20:04,892 --> 00:20:05,825
I pegged...
502
00:20:05,926 --> 00:20:07,460
Secretary Clinton.
503
00:20:07,561 --> 00:20:09,695
Madam... Pr?sidente.
504
00:20:09,797 --> 00:20:10,830
She-king.
505
00:20:10,931 --> 00:20:13,366
I can't afford to
volunteer here full-time,
506
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:14,967
but I still want to get the word out,
507
00:20:15,068 --> 00:20:17,503
so I vow to tweet once a week,
508
00:20:17,604 --> 00:20:20,506
"Vote for Hillary. Yas, yas, yas."
509
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:22,175
That would be great.
510
00:20:22,276 --> 00:20:25,211
We need to drum up some
excitement for the campaign,
511
00:20:25,312 --> 00:20:27,046
do everything that we possibly can.
512
00:20:27,147 --> 00:20:28,881
You know what I'll do?
513
00:20:31,318 --> 00:20:32,518
Yes.
514
00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:38,524
Look at that!
515
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:42,128
I thought this would be
really good for office morale!
516
00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:43,529
Isn't she great?
517
00:20:43,630 --> 00:20:45,531
Of course.
518
00:20:45,632 --> 00:20:47,366
We assumed it was a he.
519
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:49,633
Oh, no, no. It's a she.
520
00:20:49,668 --> 00:20:50,987
(Abbi) It's definitely a she.
521
00:20:51,047 --> 00:20:53,513
Oh, God. Yeah.
522
00:20:53,563 --> 00:20:55,949
- This feels... just right.
- Right.
523
00:20:55,999 --> 00:21:00,549
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