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1
00:00:00,386 --> 00:00:01,658
And we're going forward.
2
00:00:01,693 --> 00:00:03,604
Two, three, four.
3
00:00:03,723 --> 00:00:04,722
And let's reverse it.
4
00:00:04,807 --> 00:00:07,057
Two, three, four, that's great.
5
00:00:07,193 --> 00:00:08,559
Whoa, are we DJs right now?
6
00:00:08,694 --> 00:00:10,227
What are we doing? I don't know.
7
00:00:10,363 --> 00:00:12,062
(imitating record scratching)
8
00:00:12,148 --> 00:00:14,114
- This is hard, right?
- This is hard.
9
00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:16,867
Let's take it from a ten to a three.
10
00:00:16,953 --> 00:00:18,903
Uh-oh, I'm a bird.
11
00:00:18,988 --> 00:00:20,738
Flying to Florida, woo!
12
00:00:20,873 --> 00:00:22,046
- Flying to Florida.
- Squints!
13
00:00:22,081 --> 00:00:25,159
(Abbi) Squints!
Everybody, out of the pool!
14
00:00:25,244 --> 00:00:27,411
(old woman 1) Come on! You can make it!
15
00:00:27,797 --> 00:00:29,135
You can do it!
16
00:00:29,170 --> 00:00:30,915
(old woman 2) Breathe, breathe!
17
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,917
- (old woman 1) Come on, breathe, breathe.
- (old woman 2) Come on!
18
00:00:33,002 --> 00:00:35,609
Oh, he's lying, Abbi.
19
00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:37,159
(old woman 2) He's a dirty liar.
20
00:00:37,194 --> 00:00:39,258
Squints, are you (bleep) kidding me?
21
00:00:39,293 --> 00:00:41,058
Dude, you did this three weeks ago.
22
00:00:41,143 --> 00:00:44,433
One more time and I am
leaving you in the pool to die.
23
00:00:44,468 --> 00:00:45,479
Damn it.
24
00:00:45,598 --> 00:00:48,735
I'll save you, Squints, that's
the reason I tattled on you.
25
00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:49,733
(old woman 2 chuckling)
26
00:00:49,984 --> 00:00:53,344
Okay, guys. Class dismissed. I'll
see you on Thursday, though, right?
27
00:00:53,379 --> 00:00:55,013
Great, it was a great class, guys.
28
00:00:55,048 --> 00:00:56,457
Everyone except Squints, that was great.
29
00:00:56,492 --> 00:00:57,693
Abbi? Listen.
30
00:00:58,411 --> 00:01:01,085
I know how to do it
without popping your cherry.
31
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:01,819
Come on.
32
00:01:01,820 --> 00:01:04,279
Your husband will never
suspect on your wedding night.
33
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,291
You know that I know your granddaughter.
34
00:01:06,326 --> 00:01:07,687
I'm texting her right now.
35
00:01:09,086 --> 00:01:10,087
Elder abuse!
36
00:01:10,172 --> 00:01:11,171
Elder abuse!
37
00:01:11,290 --> 00:01:12,673
(Squints) Elder abuse!
38
00:01:14,210 --> 00:01:16,827
Four and three and
two and one-one
39
00:01:17,707 --> 00:01:21,092
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
40
00:01:24,487 --> 00:01:25,839
She shoots, she scores!
41
00:01:25,874 --> 00:01:27,037
Ooh!
42
00:01:27,123 --> 00:01:28,445
Sorry. Sorry.
43
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,391
(Todd) Ilana.
44
00:01:29,408 --> 00:01:30,741
Herr Terrd.
45
00:01:30,826 --> 00:01:32,332
What are you doing here?
46
00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:33,623
Literally nothing!
47
00:01:35,114 --> 00:01:36,469
I'm doing stuff, I'm working.
48
00:01:36,470 --> 00:01:39,717
No, I e-mailed you last night
in a very large, bold font,
49
00:01:39,802 --> 00:01:41,168
saying not to come in today.
50
00:01:41,253 --> 00:01:43,220
Did you e-mail
IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com?
51
00:01:43,305 --> 00:01:45,172
I refuse to use that e-mail
address, you know that.
52
00:01:45,257 --> 00:01:46,911
I'm legal, Todd.
53
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:50,010
Look, there's an investor coming
today. This is very important.
54
00:01:50,096 --> 00:01:53,163
- We need the second round of funding...
- Dude, this means money.
55
00:01:53,198 --> 00:01:57,153
Because I have a bazillion app ideas
that some crusty old white douche
56
00:01:57,188 --> 00:01:59,691
would jizz his little pantsuit for.
57
00:01:59,772 --> 00:02:00,963
Dis good.
58
00:02:00,998 --> 00:02:02,627
- Dis real good.
- Go home.
59
00:02:02,942 --> 00:02:05,277
- You're wearing a dog hoodie.
- Chill, Miss Thang.
60
00:02:05,312 --> 00:02:08,028
This isn't a dog hoodie. It's from the
dog owner's section of American Apparel...
61
00:02:08,114 --> 00:02:09,947
It has ear holes for dog ears.
62
00:02:10,032 --> 00:02:12,282
Why would they do that in a
hood? A hood is to cover a head.
63
00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:13,867
Is there a pocket on the back?
64
00:02:13,953 --> 00:02:15,502
There is. Also has a leash hole.
65
00:02:15,621 --> 00:02:17,245
Not the first time
this has happened to me.
66
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,931
Three other times. I'm gonna fix this
and we are both gonna be billionaires.
67
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:23,339
No. Chamillionaires.
68
00:02:23,345 --> 00:02:26,559
Bow, bow,
na-now-now... That's us.
69
00:02:38,677 --> 00:02:39,610
(Trey) Ab-bay.
70
00:02:39,695 --> 00:02:42,146
- You smell like chlorine, I love it.
- Oh, thanks Trey.
71
00:02:42,231 --> 00:02:43,981
You know, before you were a
trainer, everybody goofed on me
72
00:02:44,116 --> 00:02:46,120
so hard for decorating my locker.
73
00:02:46,202 --> 00:02:47,484
Yeah, I need to.
74
00:02:47,570 --> 00:02:50,204
It's like, I need to curate
my space and, it's like,
75
00:02:50,322 --> 00:02:52,406
a vision board, you...
You know what I mean?
76
00:02:52,491 --> 00:02:56,126
Because it's like, I put my stuff in it.
77
00:02:56,212 --> 00:02:57,819
That's why I have to do it.
78
00:02:57,854 --> 00:03:00,047
Exactly, you know? It's
so boring not to decorate.
79
00:03:00,166 --> 00:03:03,215
I just want to get in here, Axe my
body from head to toe and then...
80
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,218
- Zen out.
- Zen out.
81
00:03:04,336 --> 00:03:05,469
- Jinx!
- (delayed) Jinx!
82
00:03:05,554 --> 00:03:06,970
I was gonna say jinx.
83
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,222
Oh. We're buds.
84
00:03:08,340 --> 00:03:11,341
Zen out jinx!
85
00:03:11,477 --> 00:03:13,844
Oh, Abbi. I love you.
86
00:03:13,929 --> 00:03:15,276
I... I love you...
87
00:03:15,311 --> 00:03:16,459
- You do too?
- Yeah.
88
00:03:16,494 --> 00:03:19,149
You're my little cupcake.
89
00:03:19,235 --> 00:03:20,781
My supplements.
90
00:03:20,816 --> 00:03:21,967
All hands on deck.
91
00:03:26,242 --> 00:03:27,441
Ab.
92
00:03:27,526 --> 00:03:29,526
You know, there's a private
changing room around the corner,
93
00:03:29,662 --> 00:03:30,932
if you'd be more comfortable.
94
00:03:30,967 --> 00:03:32,446
No, I'm totally at ease.
95
00:03:32,531 --> 00:03:34,498
Cool.
96
00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:36,503
- Where is it?
- It's just by the shower.
97
00:03:36,538 --> 00:03:39,203
I might check it out, just to,
like, see what... Spacially...
98
00:03:39,338 --> 00:03:43,040
Yeah, sorry.
99
00:03:43,175 --> 00:03:45,259
Fixed it.
100
00:03:45,377 --> 00:03:48,045
Nic, fierce shoulder pads. Date night?
101
00:03:48,130 --> 00:03:49,855
No, the investor's coming.
102
00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:51,465
Todd just told you.
103
00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:53,383
Woof, baby brain.
104
00:03:53,469 --> 00:03:54,384
Are you pregnant?
105
00:03:54,470 --> 00:03:55,352
No, are you?
106
00:03:55,437 --> 00:03:56,970
No.
107
00:03:59,225 --> 00:04:01,024
Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre
108
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:03,227
Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre
109
00:04:03,362 --> 00:04:04,862
Tu lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre
110
00:04:04,947 --> 00:04:07,114
Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre
111
00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:09,066
Su lo que quiere
que te coma el tigre
112
00:04:09,201 --> 00:04:12,569
Que te coma el tigre
que te coma el tigre
113
00:04:12,705 --> 00:04:14,655
Fuh-law-less
bish!
114
00:04:14,740 --> 00:04:17,574
Ilana, this is our
investor, Elizabeth Carlton.
115
00:04:17,710 --> 00:04:19,576
That is the freshest blazer.
116
00:04:19,662 --> 00:04:21,628
- Ilana.
- Pleasure to...
117
00:04:21,747 --> 00:04:24,081
- Hi.
- This is Ilana Wexler
118
00:04:24,166 --> 00:04:25,215
and Nicole Klorn.
119
00:04:25,301 --> 00:04:27,000
They're two of our New York saleswomen.
120
00:04:27,086 --> 00:04:28,969
Salespeople, I'm sorry.
121
00:04:29,088 --> 00:04:30,637
Hello, Mrs. Carlton.
122
00:04:30,756 --> 00:04:33,060
- Miss Carlton.
- Yes!
123
00:04:33,095 --> 00:04:34,424
But you can call me Elizabeth.
124
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,977
This will foster a sense of equality.
125
00:04:37,096 --> 00:04:38,095
And you can call me Ilana.
126
00:04:38,180 --> 00:04:40,981
This will foster a sense of, um...
127
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:42,149
You knowing my name.
128
00:04:44,353 --> 00:04:45,602
TJ Maxx.
129
00:04:45,738 --> 00:04:47,104
70% off.
130
00:04:47,239 --> 00:04:49,606
Maxxinista! Ay, Chihuahua!
131
00:04:49,692 --> 00:04:52,326
I don't know if I want
to be her or be in here.
132
00:04:52,444 --> 00:04:54,278
Ooh, I just got a chill.
133
00:04:54,413 --> 00:04:58,448
Can you rub my back, real fast and hard?
134
00:04:58,584 --> 00:05:00,000
Real fast and hard.
135
00:05:00,119 --> 00:05:01,952
(trainers, chanting) Soulstice
games! Soulstice games day!
136
00:05:02,037 --> 00:05:03,587
Soulstice games! It's
the Soulstice games day!
137
00:05:03,672 --> 00:05:04,588
Woo!
138
00:05:04,673 --> 00:05:05,622
That's today?
139
00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,041
Oh, yeah, your first Soulstice games.
140
00:05:08,127 --> 00:05:10,260
Wow. I remember my first time.
141
00:05:10,346 --> 00:05:13,621
I was 23 and I had just found
out I was allergic to cashews.
142
00:05:13,656 --> 00:05:16,133
Cool, uh... I don't think
that I should participate.
143
00:05:16,218 --> 00:05:17,626
Oh, no, you'll be great,
you'll fit right in.
144
00:05:17,661 --> 00:05:19,553
No, um... I get...
145
00:05:19,638 --> 00:05:22,973
I get a little intense
about competition.
146
00:05:23,108 --> 00:05:25,466
In high school, people used
to call me Tonya Harding.
147
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:27,746
Don't worry about it. It's not
about who wins and loses, you know?
148
00:05:27,781 --> 00:05:29,947
It's just about team building.
There's no "I" in "Soulstice."
149
00:05:30,032 --> 00:05:31,565
- But there's...
- Well, yes, there is, yes.
150
00:05:31,650 --> 00:05:34,851
I've actually been trying to get them
to change it to a "Y" for a long time.
151
00:05:35,154 --> 00:05:37,160
Anyway, you're gonna have
fun. Plus, it's mandatory.
152
00:05:37,195 --> 00:05:39,122
All right, weigh-in
starts in ten, you guys,
153
00:05:39,208 --> 00:05:43,160
so you still got time to shave your
pubes if you need to lose that last L-B.
154
00:05:43,295 --> 00:05:45,943
There's where the
(bleep) pubes come from.
155
00:05:50,727 --> 00:05:52,310
It's a crowded market out there.
156
00:05:52,445 --> 00:05:54,862
Groupon, LifeBooker, Yippit,
157
00:05:54,981 --> 00:05:56,647
JewDeal, GroupSwoop.
158
00:05:56,733 --> 00:05:59,430
What makes Deals, Deals,
Deals different, hmm?
159
00:06:00,887 --> 00:06:02,437
Exactly. Nothing.
160
00:06:02,555 --> 00:06:04,355
We have to rise above the fray.
161
00:06:04,441 --> 00:06:05,723
Reach out to new customers.
162
00:06:05,809 --> 00:06:08,610
Now, who's in charge of social media?
163
00:06:08,728 --> 00:06:10,672
Our company hasn't tweeted in six days.
164
00:06:10,707 --> 00:06:12,461
What's worse, it's just a link.
165
00:06:12,496 --> 00:06:13,564
No voice, no copy.
166
00:06:13,650 --> 00:06:16,256
Who's gonna click on
it, let alone share it?
167
00:06:16,291 --> 00:06:17,431
- What do you click on?
- (whispering) I'm sorry.
168
00:06:17,433 --> 00:06:20,321
What's viral to you? You, Maxxinista.
169
00:06:20,407 --> 00:06:22,240
What would I click on?
170
00:06:22,325 --> 00:06:24,634
Well, I love me some Salad Fingers.
171
00:06:24,669 --> 00:06:25,543
Explain.
172
00:06:25,629 --> 00:06:28,079
It's this guy with romaine
lettuce for fingers,
173
00:06:28,214 --> 00:06:29,908
and he rubs up all on this spoon like...
174
00:06:29,943 --> 00:06:31,633
(imitating squeaking sound)
175
00:06:31,751 --> 00:06:32,834
Salad fingers.
176
00:06:32,919 --> 00:06:34,919
It's, uh, early Randomcore.
177
00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:37,505
I mean, everything on eBaum's World.
178
00:06:37,590 --> 00:06:39,590
"End of Ze World"? No?
179
00:06:39,676 --> 00:06:41,676
The Aicha kid? That white kid, skinny,
180
00:06:41,761 --> 00:06:45,063
crispy gelled hair and he does the whole
choreographed dance with the bean bag?
181
00:06:45,148 --> 00:06:46,731
Aicha Aicha
182
00:06:46,816 --> 00:06:48,425
Passin' me by
183
00:06:48,426 --> 00:06:50,889
No? Dudes, what grade are...
184
00:06:50,924 --> 00:06:52,797
How old are you guys?
185
00:06:52,832 --> 00:06:53,873
(answering at same time)
186
00:06:53,908 --> 00:06:55,479
35 in May.
187
00:06:55,764 --> 00:06:57,822
I have no idea what you're saying.
188
00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:00,662
And I love it.
189
00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,080
What do you do here?
190
00:07:02,165 --> 00:07:05,667
Total transparency, I spent most
of the day coloring in my tummy.
191
00:07:05,785 --> 00:07:10,071
Todd, you are clearly underutilizing
someone who's got their Salad Fingers...
192
00:07:10,242 --> 00:07:11,462
on the pulse.
193
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:13,708
Maxxinista, you're running
our Twitter account.
194
00:07:13,793 --> 00:07:16,427
And you are gonna get this
company some attention.
195
00:07:16,513 --> 00:07:19,464
Miss Hot Lady, you got it!
196
00:07:25,055 --> 00:07:26,437
You got this, you're cool.
197
00:07:26,523 --> 00:07:28,189
Be cool. Just be (bleep) cool, man.
198
00:07:28,308 --> 00:07:30,246
(Trey) All right, guys,
five minutes 'til we start.
199
00:07:30,281 --> 00:07:32,310
Keep those muscles warm, all right?
200
00:07:32,395 --> 00:07:33,644
Love you guys.
201
00:07:36,649 --> 00:07:38,316
You think you're doing a V-snap?
202
00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:39,817
Well, I'll lap your V-snap.
203
00:07:39,903 --> 00:07:41,619
Master your V-snap.
(cell phone vibrating)
204
00:07:41,705 --> 00:07:43,404
God...
205
00:07:43,490 --> 00:07:45,573
What? I mean...
206
00:07:45,658 --> 00:07:47,208
Hey, dude, how are you?
207
00:07:47,327 --> 00:07:49,827
Is it okay if I tweet one
of your "before" wax pics?
208
00:07:49,913 --> 00:07:50,795
Which one?
209
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:51,796
Neck?
210
00:07:51,881 --> 00:07:54,349
Fine, just... Just blur my
face, okay? Listen, I gotta go.
211
00:07:54,384 --> 00:07:55,608
(Trey) Four-minute warning.
212
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,580
(Ilana) Where are you right now?
213
00:07:56,615 --> 00:07:57,738
Are you at a day nightclub?
214
00:07:57,773 --> 00:07:59,217
No, I'm... I'm just hanging loose.
215
00:07:59,252 --> 00:08:00,264
Just running errands.
216
00:08:00,299 --> 00:08:02,306
How dare you lie to your wife?
217
00:08:02,392 --> 00:08:04,175
I hear your teeth
grinding through the phone.
218
00:08:04,310 --> 00:08:06,260
You're at a competitive
event, aren't you?
219
00:08:06,346 --> 00:08:08,262
Let's just hold on
and just listen to me.
220
00:08:08,348 --> 00:08:10,181
I need you to just hear me out
and just listen to me, because...
221
00:08:10,316 --> 00:08:11,816
Ab-bi! August 4th.
222
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:15,486
2002. Camp Kweebec. Red Rover.
223
00:08:15,572 --> 00:08:18,092
I remember, Ilana. I
remember the whole thing.
224
00:08:18,127 --> 00:08:20,274
I remember everyone
being so (bleep) jealous,
225
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,527
'cause I beat them so (bleep) hard.
226
00:08:22,562 --> 00:08:24,245
All right, I'm coming
there as soon as I can.
227
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,531
- Where are you?
- Fine, you better (bleep) come!
228
00:08:26,666 --> 00:08:29,109
I'm at the park where that
dude sold my other sandal.
229
00:08:29,144 --> 00:08:30,298
Jesus.
230
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:31,322
God!
231
00:08:33,790 --> 00:08:36,003
Good energy right there. All right?
232
00:08:39,512 --> 00:08:40,595
I shit
233
00:08:41,714 --> 00:08:42,764
I shit
234
00:08:42,882 --> 00:08:44,298
I shit
235
00:08:44,384 --> 00:08:46,551
So, so many good options for lunch.
236
00:08:46,686 --> 00:08:49,220
I actually spearheaded
the menu binder project.
237
00:08:49,305 --> 00:08:52,660
I'm on a cleanse. Speaking
of which, excuse me.
238
00:08:54,027 --> 00:08:55,226
(whispering) Ilana!
239
00:08:55,361 --> 00:08:56,310
Bathroom!
240
00:08:57,730 --> 00:08:58,780
Do something!
241
00:09:01,901 --> 00:09:02,784
I shit
242
00:09:02,902 --> 00:09:03,985
I shit
243
00:09:04,070 --> 00:09:05,369
I shit
244
00:09:05,455 --> 00:09:07,538
(Todd) Sorry, uh, sorry about that.
245
00:09:07,624 --> 00:09:10,625
I... I just wanted to
show you the bathroom,
246
00:09:10,743 --> 00:09:11,851
myself, personally.
247
00:09:11,886 --> 00:09:13,327
Thanks, I'm familiar.
248
00:09:13,413 --> 00:09:15,830
Also, if you need sanitary
napkins or similar products,
249
00:09:15,915 --> 00:09:18,916
we give those away free
here. I... I understand.
250
00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:22,503
M-My mom spotted well into her 60s.
251
00:09:22,589 --> 00:09:23,671
Thanks, Todd.
252
00:09:27,427 --> 00:09:28,593
(toilet flushing)
253
00:09:33,183 --> 00:09:34,932
(Elizabeth)
I shit
254
00:09:35,068 --> 00:09:36,350
I shit
255
00:09:36,436 --> 00:09:37,568
I shit
256
00:09:38,655 --> 00:09:39,654
Come on!
257
00:09:39,772 --> 00:09:41,823
Come on, Trey, let's do this!
258
00:09:41,941 --> 00:09:42,857
Let's go!
259
00:09:42,942 --> 00:09:44,442
(whistle blowing)
260
00:09:44,577 --> 00:09:45,443
Wow!
261
00:09:45,578 --> 00:09:46,744
Wow, wow!
262
00:09:49,616 --> 00:09:51,949
- Nice, good game.
- There are no losers!
263
00:09:52,035 --> 00:09:52,950
(wincing)
264
00:09:55,205 --> 00:09:56,671
Slow down, Abbi!
265
00:09:56,789 --> 00:09:58,456
Speed up, Claz, come on!
266
00:09:58,591 --> 00:10:00,341
(whistle blowing)
267
00:10:00,460 --> 00:10:01,876
Red team wins!
268
00:10:01,961 --> 00:10:05,044
You kidding me right now? We had
that. That is a bullshit call.
269
00:10:05,079 --> 00:10:06,536
See you in the (bleep) parking lot.
270
00:10:06,571 --> 00:10:08,349
- Everything okay?
- This is how we play.
271
00:10:08,468 --> 00:10:10,624
We know each other and
we go way back. All right?
272
00:10:11,971 --> 00:10:12,854
(Trey) Okay.
273
00:10:12,972 --> 00:10:14,105
Next event, right?
274
00:10:14,190 --> 00:10:15,239
(whistle blowing)
275
00:10:15,325 --> 00:10:16,641
Come on, Claz, come on!
276
00:10:16,726 --> 00:10:19,310
- (man) Pull it!
- C'mon, Claz, come on!
277
00:10:19,395 --> 00:10:20,895
(whistle blowing) (Abbi cheering)
278
00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:21,979
Yeah!
279
00:10:22,065 --> 00:10:23,030
Oh, yeah!
280
00:10:23,149 --> 00:10:24,031
Oh, yeah!
281
00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:25,399
Oh, yeah!
282
00:10:25,485 --> 00:10:29,262
Red team, you guys come and eat
my ass one at a (bleep) time.
283
00:10:29,297 --> 00:10:31,835
Unh! Line up, come on.
I'm selling tickets.
284
00:10:32,625 --> 00:10:34,125
What... What's going on?
285
00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:35,293
No... I'm...
286
00:10:35,378 --> 00:10:37,084
I was kidding, I was
totally kidding around.
287
00:10:37,119 --> 00:10:38,412
You guys were great.
288
00:10:40,049 --> 00:10:41,048
I bike
289
00:10:41,167 --> 00:10:42,500
I bike
290
00:10:42,635 --> 00:10:45,336
I bike
Yeah
291
00:10:45,421 --> 00:10:47,088
I lock
292
00:10:47,173 --> 00:10:48,556
I lock
293
00:10:48,675 --> 00:10:50,591
Oh, my God.
294
00:10:52,011 --> 00:10:53,844
Yes.
295
00:10:53,930 --> 00:10:56,348
"Soloplay, bb's...
296
00:10:56,849 --> 00:10:59,567
50% off vibrators at Vibeland."
297
00:10:59,686 --> 00:11:01,686
(phone alerts) 69 notifications?
298
00:11:01,771 --> 00:11:02,737
Fist!
299
00:11:03,856 --> 00:11:05,432
I tweet
300
00:11:05,602 --> 00:11:07,824
I tweet
301
00:11:07,944 --> 00:11:09,835
I tweet
302
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,114
(whistle blowing)
303
00:11:12,999 --> 00:11:14,498
Yes! Yes!
304
00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:15,750
What now, Tomas, huh?
305
00:11:15,868 --> 00:11:17,451
Who's the hot commodity now, huh?
306
00:11:17,537 --> 00:11:18,586
It's me, yes!
307
00:11:18,705 --> 00:11:20,421
- Tomas!
- Okay.
308
00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:22,456
Yankee Candle store, vanilla bean.
309
00:11:22,542 --> 00:11:24,321
BB&B, right when it opens.
310
00:11:24,356 --> 00:11:25,676
8:00 a.m., you and the employees.
311
00:11:25,762 --> 00:11:26,877
Oh, man, I love that.
312
00:11:26,963 --> 00:11:29,096
(whispering) Okay.
313
00:11:29,451 --> 00:11:30,639
(sighing) Oh, (bleep).
314
00:11:30,674 --> 00:11:32,109
(exhaling) Dude, I feel crazy.
315
00:11:32,144 --> 00:11:34,552
God, I have to half-nelson
you like you're a dog?
316
00:11:34,687 --> 00:11:37,013
- You half-nelson dogs? -
Don't make this about me.
317
00:11:37,048 --> 00:11:40,682
You are all-caps Abbi right now.
I need you to be case sensitive.
318
00:11:40,717 --> 00:11:42,305
- Everybody's weirded out.
- Okay.
319
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:43,726
- I'm just gonna sit out.
- Yeah.
320
00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:45,029
- I'm just gonna sit out for the rest.
- Chillin'.
321
00:11:45,114 --> 00:11:47,633
- Okay. Thanks, dude, I really appreciate it.
- All right, just breathe deep.
322
00:11:47,668 --> 00:11:48,567
Okay.
323
00:11:48,602 --> 00:11:50,117
(air horn blaring) Okay,
guys, we're all tied up.
324
00:11:50,236 --> 00:11:52,036
It comes down to the pugil-stick event.
325
00:11:52,121 --> 00:11:53,454
Stef verse Gemma.
326
00:11:53,573 --> 00:11:55,539
Fair fight. Come on.
327
00:11:55,625 --> 00:11:57,305
- No, no, Trey, hold up.
- No, no, no.
328
00:11:57,306 --> 00:11:58,485
Not today.
329
00:11:58,578 --> 00:11:59,623
Sorry, Stef.
330
00:11:59,662 --> 00:12:02,375
This is between me and you.
331
00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:07,001
Thanks so much... Not!
332
00:12:07,086 --> 00:12:11,248
I am gonna knock your big
swangin' titties into next Tuesday.
333
00:12:11,473 --> 00:12:13,374
Oh, my God, okay, wait, wait, wait.
334
00:12:13,493 --> 00:12:14,892
I want to do one, I want
to do one, okay, okay, okay.
335
00:12:14,978 --> 00:12:16,811
I'm gonna wipe the floor with you,
336
00:12:16,929 --> 00:12:20,481
but it looks like you
already did that, cleaner!
337
00:12:20,756 --> 00:12:24,268
No, I'm kidding, you
guys, I'm kidding, come on!
338
00:12:24,404 --> 00:12:25,853
I'm Kidding!
339
00:12:32,328 --> 00:12:33,479
(Ilana) Abbi, no!
340
00:12:33,514 --> 00:12:34,542
(grunting)
341
00:12:35,068 --> 00:12:36,735
Thank God. Nothing's broken.
342
00:12:36,820 --> 00:12:39,154
All right, no need to
press charges, guys, okay?
343
00:12:39,239 --> 00:12:40,906
Finish this now.
344
00:12:40,991 --> 00:12:42,991
God, I thought I could handle it, dude.
345
00:12:43,076 --> 00:12:45,577
But I guess all-caps Abbi
is just still up in me.
346
00:12:45,662 --> 00:12:47,045
(clearing throat)
347
00:12:47,164 --> 00:12:48,213
Oh! Gemma...
348
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:49,664
Abbi.
349
00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:50,832
I am so sorry...
350
00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:53,501
- Great Soulstice games today.
- Thank you.
351
00:12:53,637 --> 00:12:56,004
You are stronger than you look.
352
00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:57,806
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
353
00:12:59,977 --> 00:13:02,143
Hey. Cool shirt.
354
00:13:02,229 --> 00:13:05,230
- Can I talk to you for a sec, Ab?
- Yeah, Trey, listen,
355
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,232
- I can explain what just happened.
- No, no, no.
356
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:10,185
I was gonna say, this
happens to every new trainer.
357
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,573
You don't have to do
steroids to be cool.
358
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:13,699
- You know?
- Okay.
359
00:13:13,734 --> 00:13:15,810
- I...
- Because you're already cool.
360
00:13:16,026 --> 00:13:18,026
Oh.
361
00:13:18,111 --> 00:13:20,195
But if you are gonna do
steroids, I would suggest
362
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,197
starting with a half-dose of
anabolic the first couple weeks.
363
00:13:22,332 --> 00:13:24,749
It does make your balls
shrivel, but in your case,
364
00:13:24,868 --> 00:13:27,202
it's gonna make your boobs
rock hard, which is a bless.
365
00:13:27,337 --> 00:13:28,753
Just a tip.
366
00:13:28,772 --> 00:13:29,838
- Okay. All right.
- Love you, buddy.
367
00:13:29,923 --> 00:13:32,207
- Ilana.
- Hey.
368
00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:33,291
Too slow.
369
00:13:33,377 --> 00:13:35,043
Good to see you, though.
370
00:13:35,178 --> 00:13:37,596
That's funny, dude.
Like, even though I...
371
00:13:37,714 --> 00:13:40,215
I hate any form of
aggression, especially yours,
372
00:13:40,350 --> 00:13:42,250
all-caps Abbi fits in at Soulstice.
373
00:13:42,352 --> 00:13:44,135
We are very upwardly
mobile right now, gotta say,
374
00:13:44,221 --> 00:13:45,387
very Jay and Bey.
375
00:13:45,472 --> 00:13:47,722
Speaking of which, I haven't
tweeted in twelve twinutes.
376
00:13:47,808 --> 00:13:49,224
- What am I gonna tweet about?
- Interesting vocab.
377
00:13:49,309 --> 00:13:51,059
What should I tweet about?
378
00:13:51,144 --> 00:13:53,728
Oh, my God.
379
00:13:53,814 --> 00:13:56,064
Of course, a horse!
380
00:13:56,199 --> 00:13:59,701
This tweet will be
my Ms. 'Olland's Opus.
381
00:13:59,786 --> 00:14:01,236
I'm gonna sprint home right now.
382
00:14:01,371 --> 00:14:03,401
- To Queens?
- Yeah, you want to race me?
383
00:14:03,436 --> 00:14:04,709
I'm not going to Queens...
384
00:14:07,244 --> 00:14:08,743
Woof...
385
00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:10,161
Deals, Deals, Deals...
386
00:14:10,247 --> 00:14:12,592
(message sent sound)
I'm doing you right.
387
00:14:14,301 --> 00:14:16,217
(morbid crying)
388
00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:21,247
_
389
00:14:23,610 --> 00:14:24,891
You okay?
390
00:14:25,896 --> 00:14:26,928
Let's go.
391
00:14:27,064 --> 00:14:29,097
I've never seen Todd so aggressive.
392
00:14:29,182 --> 00:14:30,265
Therapy.
393
00:14:33,487 --> 00:14:35,987
Ilana, you're fired.
394
00:14:36,106 --> 00:14:37,989
What? I just got promoted.
395
00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:42,027
You tweeted an extremely
graphic bestiality video.
396
00:14:42,112 --> 00:14:43,611
Todd, it's "Mr. Hands."
397
00:14:43,747 --> 00:14:45,747
It's a staple of early digital culture.
398
00:14:45,832 --> 00:14:48,667
- Talk about viral. Google it.
- I don't have to!
399
00:14:48,785 --> 00:14:51,119
You tweeted it from the
company Twitter account.
400
00:14:51,204 --> 00:14:52,454
It's a PR nightmare.
401
00:14:52,539 --> 00:14:55,957
You're welcome. Now
we have a PR nightmare.
402
00:14:56,043 --> 00:14:56,958
It's cool.
403
00:14:57,044 --> 00:14:58,793
It was a guy (bleep) a horse.
404
00:14:58,929 --> 00:15:01,179
Yeah, and it's a deal for colonics.
405
00:15:01,298 --> 00:15:02,263
It's brilliant!
406
00:15:02,349 --> 00:15:04,883
I was just doing my job really well.
407
00:15:04,968 --> 00:15:06,384
And if you did your homework, Todd,
408
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:09,304
you would know that the
horse was (bleep) the guy.
409
00:15:09,439 --> 00:15:11,272
It's chill!
410
00:15:11,358 --> 00:15:13,725
I need you to get your
things and leave the office.
411
00:15:13,810 --> 00:15:16,783
- We can work this out.
- I have been covering for you for far too long.
412
00:15:16,837 --> 00:15:19,564
- I have put my blood, sweat...
- You make all the other employees uncomfortable.
413
00:15:19,649 --> 00:15:22,710
- And farts into this company.
- Uncomfortable does not begin to describe
414
00:15:22,711 --> 00:15:24,652
- how you make the others...
- I am heading the corporate morale department.
415
00:15:24,788 --> 00:15:26,645
- The amount of money you cost us in paper alone
- And thanks to me,
416
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:28,656
- I'm hardly making any commission,
- makes it worth letting you go.
417
00:15:28,792 --> 00:15:31,326
- which saves the company money.
- Ilana, Ilana, Ilana.
418
00:15:31,461 --> 00:15:32,577
I need you to leave.
419
00:15:32,662 --> 00:15:33,628
I should stay.
420
00:15:33,714 --> 00:15:36,439
- I need you to leave.
- I should stay.
421
00:15:37,050 --> 00:15:40,135
I am strong, and you are fired.
422
00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:44,973
This is just the white man holding
on to the last nugget of his power.
423
00:15:45,058 --> 00:15:48,143
You white dudes are figuring
out that the jig is (bleep) up!
424
00:15:48,228 --> 00:15:50,195
I'm gonna go talk to Mom!
425
00:15:50,314 --> 00:15:53,148
Oh, you are absolutely
fired, effective immediately.
426
00:15:53,233 --> 00:15:54,900
You're right, it's time to change.
427
00:15:54,985 --> 00:15:57,152
And I figured it out.
428
00:15:57,237 --> 00:15:59,685
I want to be... in you.
429
00:16:01,041 --> 00:16:02,073
You need to leave.
430
00:16:02,159 --> 00:16:03,458
Yeah, I... ahem... Yep.
431
00:16:04,962 --> 00:16:06,545
This is it, guys.
432
00:16:06,663 --> 00:16:07,791
The last hurrah.
433
00:16:07,826 --> 00:16:09,297
I'm really gonna miss this place.
434
00:16:09,383 --> 00:16:11,775
I'm gonna miss each of
you. You're like family.
435
00:16:11,810 --> 00:16:13,802
I'm gonna miss you
white guy number seven.
436
00:16:13,887 --> 00:16:15,470
You make Jews look good.
437
00:16:15,556 --> 00:16:16,638
You're hot.
438
00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:18,139
Goodbye, white guy number three.
439
00:16:18,225 --> 00:16:20,091
Love the man bun. You started the trend.
440
00:16:20,177 --> 00:16:21,343
And goodbye, Adult Braces.
441
00:16:21,428 --> 00:16:23,345
I got those off seven months ago.
442
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,263
Would you rather I go
back to "Only Black Guy"?
443
00:16:25,349 --> 00:16:27,349
Adult Braces is fine.
444
00:16:27,484 --> 00:16:28,516
And you.
445
00:16:28,602 --> 00:16:30,352
We are all proud of you, new girl.
446
00:16:30,487 --> 00:16:31,853
I hired you.
447
00:16:31,989 --> 00:16:33,488
Mmm.
448
00:16:33,574 --> 00:16:34,522
And you.
449
00:16:34,608 --> 00:16:36,575
Nicoletta, my princess.
450
00:16:36,693 --> 00:16:38,860
My diamond. My Princess Di!
451
00:16:38,946 --> 00:16:41,496
You are the reason I come
to work every other day.
452
00:16:41,582 --> 00:16:43,448
You're the hardest
one to say goodbye to.
453
00:16:43,533 --> 00:16:44,950
Don't cry, don't cry.
454
00:16:45,035 --> 00:16:46,368
Ow!
455
00:16:46,503 --> 00:16:49,120
Goodbyes are hard, but this
is not goodbye for you and me.
456
00:16:49,206 --> 00:16:51,339
We will be together again.
457
00:16:51,425 --> 00:16:52,874
I am gonna crack that nut.
458
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,376
I think that's just about enough.
459
00:16:54,461 --> 00:16:55,927
One last thing.
460
00:16:59,049 --> 00:17:02,866
I'm leaving him here because I
really do believe in corporate morale.
461
00:17:04,554 --> 00:17:06,304
(loud blowing)
462
00:17:10,611 --> 00:17:12,377
- You're sure?
- Yes.
463
00:17:18,118 --> 00:17:20,068
(gospel music begins)
464
00:17:23,573 --> 00:17:27,375
Joyful joyful Lord
465
00:17:27,461 --> 00:17:30,378
We adore thee
466
00:17:30,464 --> 00:17:33,081
God of glory
467
00:17:33,216 --> 00:17:35,634
Lord of love
468
00:17:41,091 --> 00:17:43,224
Joyful joyful Lord
469
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:45,010
We adore thee
470
00:17:45,095 --> 00:17:49,264
God of glory, Lord of love
471
00:17:49,349 --> 00:17:53,101
Hearts unfold like
flowers before thee
472
00:17:53,236 --> 00:17:57,072
Hail Thee as the sun above
473
00:17:57,157 --> 00:17:58,490
By the way
474
00:17:58,608 --> 00:18:00,608
What have you done
for Him lately?
475
00:18:02,279 --> 00:18:04,863
Ooh ooh ooh yes
476
00:18:04,948 --> 00:18:09,367
Joyful joyful Lord we adore thee
477
00:18:09,453 --> 00:18:13,505
God of glory god of love
478
00:18:13,623 --> 00:18:15,173
Fill us
479
00:18:15,292 --> 00:18:18,009
Fill us with the light
of day Lord, fill us
480
00:18:18,128 --> 00:18:19,260
Fill us
481
00:18:19,346 --> 00:18:22,213
Oh we need you yes
we do now fill us
482
00:18:22,299 --> 00:18:23,381
Fill us
483
00:18:23,467 --> 00:18:26,518
With the light of day, Lord
484
00:18:26,636 --> 00:18:27,552
Fill us
485
00:18:27,637 --> 00:18:30,355
With the light of day, Lord
486
00:18:30,474 --> 00:18:31,890
Fill us
487
00:18:31,975 --> 00:18:34,359
With the light of day, Lord
488
00:18:34,478 --> 00:18:35,944
Fill us
489
00:18:36,029 --> 00:18:38,446
With the light of day, Lord
490
00:18:38,532 --> 00:18:40,031
Fill us
491
00:18:40,150 --> 00:18:42,617
With the light of day, Lord
492
00:18:42,703 --> 00:18:44,202
Fill us
493
00:18:44,321 --> 00:18:45,638
Fill us with the light of day
494
00:18:45,808 --> 00:18:47,674
(Todd, echoed) Nicole!
495
00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:49,040
Light of day
496
00:18:49,159 --> 00:18:50,526
Nicole!
497
00:18:50,561 --> 00:18:52,323
I need you to absorb Ilana's deal.
498
00:18:54,548 --> 00:18:56,331
(phone chime)
499
00:18:56,466 --> 00:18:58,312
Day 511...
500
00:18:59,669 --> 00:19:01,052
It ends.
501
00:19:02,672 --> 00:19:04,223
I'm free.
502
00:19:04,861 --> 00:19:07,478
You know what? I'm gonna
unfollow Deals, Deals, Deals.
503
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,864
- Pssh, you should.
- Oh, my God.
504
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,846
Look what they tweeted.
505
00:19:12,903 --> 00:19:15,370
"We sincerely apologize
for our last tweet.
506
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:19,872
"It was posted by a former employee
who suffers from mental health issues."
507
00:19:19,907 --> 00:19:21,080
We all do.
508
00:19:21,115 --> 00:19:22,744
"We hope she's getting
the help she needs."
509
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,295
- I'm with you, so I am.
- Okay.
510
00:19:24,381 --> 00:19:28,422
"We do not promote bestiality,
but we still promote colonics."
511
00:19:28,457 --> 00:19:32,196
The horse was (bleep) the guy.
It's honestly not that bad.
512
00:19:34,724 --> 00:19:37,141
It's not as bad as if...
513
00:19:37,227 --> 00:19:38,726
a human was (bleep) the animal.
514
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:41,846
That's all. That's all.
515
00:19:41,982 --> 00:19:46,351
I... I think everyone agrees, on that.
516
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,319
- Right?
- Awesome.
517
00:19:48,405 --> 00:19:49,654
But (bleep) them, dude.
518
00:19:49,739 --> 00:19:51,385
- You don't need them.
- That's what I say, I don't.
519
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:54,286
That was the worst job in the
world, don't even worry about it.
520
00:19:54,321 --> 00:19:56,605
I know, (bleep) them.
521
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:58,579
Let's just forget all our flaws,
522
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:01,833
'cause today was a total fluke.
523
00:20:01,918 --> 00:20:06,103
Yeah, well, I wish I could forget, like,
my hunger for competition, but it's like...
524
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:08,873
It's online, so, like, I can't...
525
00:20:09,009 --> 00:20:10,625
Red Rover's online?
526
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:11,876
Ow, Ilana.
527
00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:13,795
Show me now!
528
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:14,879
(sighing)
529
00:20:16,766 --> 00:20:18,516
Whoa...
530
00:20:18,601 --> 00:20:20,218
Woo!
531
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:24,169
Red Rover, Red Rover,
send Abbi right over!
532
00:20:24,204 --> 00:20:27,692
Ahh!
533
00:20:27,777 --> 00:20:30,695
Let go! Come on, let me through!
534
00:20:30,780 --> 00:20:33,731
Oh, she's biting me!
535
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:35,733
- Abbi, Abbi!
- Arms up!
536
00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:38,236
Breathe, breathe... Shh...
537
00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,654
- (man 2) Jesus, Abbi.
- I'm fine.
538
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,738
- Are you sure?
- I'm fine.
539
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,824
I'm gonna let you go now.
540
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:46,193
- (man 2) She's going!
- She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!
541
00:20:46,401 --> 00:20:47,713
- Abbi.
- Abbi!
542
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:48,707
Come on!
543
00:20:48,708 --> 00:20:50,108
Abbi, you're not in trouble, ok?
544
00:20:50,109 --> 00:20:51,509
- Abbi!
- Abbi!
545
00:20:51,687 --> 00:20:53,131
Where is she?
546
00:20:54,036 --> 00:20:55,248
Ah!
547
00:20:55,298 --> 00:20:59,848
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