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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,024
Oh, I guarantee I can identify my
own butthole in a line up. 100%.
2
00:00:04,025 --> 00:00:06,700
- Even if it's just a close up line up of buttholes?
- Yeah.
3
00:00:06,750 --> 00:00:09,767
- No way, dude. Come on.
- Completely, I can identify yours.
4
00:00:09,853 --> 00:00:12,270
Each one has a soul, an ass soul.
5
00:00:12,355 --> 00:00:14,681
Hey, mamis, where you
going? A bra store?
6
00:00:14,816 --> 00:00:17,408
I bet you got those big
boobies to feed all your babies.
7
00:00:17,527 --> 00:00:18,965
Excuse me?
8
00:00:19,139 --> 00:00:20,361
You can't talk to us like that.
9
00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:21,970
Yeah, we're your elders.
10
00:00:22,005 --> 00:00:23,247
How did he know we were
going to the bra store?
11
00:00:23,366 --> 00:00:25,032
Why don't you come over
here and let me touch 'em.
12
00:00:25,118 --> 00:00:25,780
Jesus.
13
00:00:25,928 --> 00:00:29,337
The only way that you're
gonna get to touch these boobs
14
00:00:29,422 --> 00:00:31,589
is if they graze the top of your head
15
00:00:31,708 --> 00:00:35,176
as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!
16
00:00:35,261 --> 00:00:37,011
Whoa! Whoa!
17
00:00:37,096 --> 00:00:38,296
(laughing)
18
00:00:38,381 --> 00:00:41,098
So you wanna ball? Let's go.
19
00:00:41,217 --> 00:00:43,301
20
00:00:48,975 --> 00:00:50,024
Ooh.
21
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:55,863
(gasps)
22
00:01:04,843 --> 00:01:06,204
No.
23
00:01:10,463 --> 00:01:11,495
Aah!
24
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,584
Ooh! (laughing)
25
00:01:16,719 --> 00:01:20,421
Tell your mom you got
schooled by two women.
26
00:01:20,556 --> 00:01:22,089
Aw, yeah, bitches!
27
00:01:22,175 --> 00:01:25,226
And reminder, I'll be by later
to (bleep) the shit out of her.
28
00:01:25,311 --> 00:01:26,572
What? (laughing)
29
00:01:26,722 --> 00:01:28,763
Oh, what about this, huh?
30
00:01:28,848 --> 00:01:30,314
(grunting)
31
00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:33,935
(shouts)
32
00:01:34,070 --> 00:01:35,102
Oh... kay.
33
00:01:35,238 --> 00:01:36,737
(whimpers)
34
00:01:36,823 --> 00:01:38,689
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
35
00:01:38,775 --> 00:01:40,775
Four and three
and two and one-one
36
00:01:41,389 --> 00:01:45,336
Sync and corrections by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:45,903 --> 00:01:48,082
Hello? Good morning, everyone.
38
00:01:48,168 --> 00:01:50,251
We open in five minutes.
39
00:01:50,336 --> 00:01:52,637
This month's churron flavor is anise,
40
00:01:52,756 --> 00:01:56,424
but there is a limit to
three churrons per customer,
41
00:01:56,509 --> 00:01:58,426
so please maintain decorum.
42
00:01:58,561 --> 00:02:00,024
Thank you.
43
00:02:02,148 --> 00:02:04,766
You know, I'm not even
a huge macaroon girl,
44
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:07,602
and churros are just, like,
you know, hit or miss for me,
45
00:02:07,687 --> 00:02:09,042
but the combination of...
46
00:02:09,077 --> 00:02:10,864
Too early.
47
00:02:14,277 --> 00:02:15,925
(whispers) I'm being nice.
48
00:02:17,163 --> 00:02:18,246
(sighs)
49
00:02:19,582 --> 00:02:21,949
(inhales deeply)
50
00:02:22,085 --> 00:02:23,000
(exhales)
51
00:02:34,380 --> 00:02:35,463
Okay.
52
00:02:35,598 --> 00:02:37,965
Your total is 28.45.
53
00:02:38,101 --> 00:02:40,360
Here's my co-op card.
54
00:02:40,395 --> 00:02:41,636
(register beeps)
55
00:02:41,771 --> 00:02:45,106
Ooh. It looks like you haven't
completed any of your work hours.
56
00:02:45,191 --> 00:02:47,525
Just throw 'em on my tab. I'm
gonna knock 'em all out at once.
57
00:02:47,644 --> 00:02:49,811
Okay, well, today's actually
the last possible day
58
00:02:49,946 --> 00:02:52,814
you can complete your
shifts for this moon cycle.
59
00:02:52,949 --> 00:02:54,615
Um, I really can't today.
60
00:02:54,701 --> 00:02:57,535
Could I speak to the manager? I'm
sure I could work something out.
61
00:02:57,654 --> 00:03:00,404
Um... sure.
62
00:03:00,490 --> 00:03:02,790
Just, um... one second.
63
00:03:02,876 --> 00:03:04,625
Hi.
64
00:03:04,711 --> 00:03:06,870
We have a slight, um, issue.
65
00:03:08,414 --> 00:03:09,330
Yeah?
66
00:03:09,465 --> 00:03:12,834
Hi... Lori.
67
00:03:12,969 --> 00:03:16,254
I haven't worked any of my hours.
68
00:03:16,716 --> 00:03:21,142
And I have a really intense
doctor's appointment in Long Island.
69
00:03:21,227 --> 00:03:24,784
There's something more important
in Long Island than organic produce?
70
00:03:24,819 --> 00:03:26,664
For the privilege of membership,
71
00:03:26,699 --> 00:03:30,351
you just have to work
six hours, you cooperate.
72
00:03:30,436 --> 00:03:31,986
I am feeling this.
73
00:03:32,071 --> 00:03:35,154
But it just also happens
to be the very last day
74
00:03:35,189 --> 00:03:38,326
I can have this... procedure.
75
00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:41,362
Well, either you
complete your shifts today
76
00:03:41,447 --> 00:03:46,248
or you're banished from the co-op
for the rest of your body's life.
77
00:03:46,283 --> 00:03:47,680
(chuckling)
78
00:03:47,715 --> 00:03:49,030
Your choice.
79
00:03:50,039 --> 00:03:52,506
80
00:03:54,510 --> 00:03:56,010
Ha ha! There she is.
81
00:03:56,095 --> 00:03:58,179
Ugh, gorgeous, come on.
82
00:03:58,264 --> 00:04:00,715
- Wow, how 'dat?
- So worth it.
83
00:04:00,850 --> 00:04:02,104
Ugh, love your leggings.
84
00:04:02,286 --> 00:04:03,707
And your legs. And your butt.
85
00:04:03,838 --> 00:04:05,232
- Thank you so much.
- Really cute.
86
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:08,060
You just made my day. Do you
want one of these churrons?
87
00:04:08,095 --> 00:04:09,686
- Sure.
- Thanks so much.
88
00:04:09,721 --> 00:04:11,285
Later, line buddy.
89
00:04:12,128 --> 00:04:13,546
That was sweet.
90
00:04:15,148 --> 00:04:16,731
It's okay.
91
00:04:16,766 --> 00:04:19,519
- I would have eaten that.
- Okay, so down to biz. Business.
92
00:04:19,645 --> 00:04:21,452
You know how I joined that
food co-op a few months ago?
93
00:04:21,571 --> 00:04:24,681
Uh, yeah, your meals have given me
like the healthiest shits of my life.
94
00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:27,074
It's like, dump out, flawless,
95
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,993
dump out, flawless.
96
00:04:29,377 --> 00:04:33,235
So, I haven't worked any hours
yet, and I need to do them today.
97
00:04:33,466 --> 00:04:35,731
- Obviously, I would do them, but...
- You're going to the doctor.
98
00:04:35,737 --> 00:04:37,084
Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa...
99
00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,415
Dude, I just said you're
going to the doctor.
100
00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:41,629
No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.
101
00:04:41,641 --> 00:04:43,758
Oh! Almost forgot.
102
00:04:43,893 --> 00:04:46,059
- Oh, yes, Gaga.
- Yes.
103
00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:48,095
Oh, my God.
104
00:04:48,231 --> 00:04:50,757
So obviously, the three of
us can't lose my membership,
105
00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:53,684
- so I need you to cover my shift.
- I can cover for you.
106
00:04:53,770 --> 00:04:55,494
But here da damn 'tang.
107
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,999
Not for me. As me.
108
00:04:58,159 --> 00:05:02,852
Co-op members cannot share shifts,
so technically you need to be me.
109
00:05:03,722 --> 00:05:04,939
How's that gonna work?
110
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:06,414
Well, no one knows me there yet.
111
00:05:06,499 --> 00:05:09,072
I... haven't worked any of my hours.
112
00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:11,252
But I need you to make
the right first impression
113
00:05:11,337 --> 00:05:13,587
so that when I do work, no
one will know the difference.
114
00:05:13,673 --> 00:05:16,123
You know what, I would love
to live a day in your shoes.
115
00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:18,436
That sounds really fun and very easy.
116
00:05:18,471 --> 00:05:20,428
(chuckling)
117
00:05:20,513 --> 00:05:22,630
Not literally in my shoes,
'cause I'm a size five and...
118
00:05:22,765 --> 00:05:24,130
Yeah, I understand.
119
00:05:24,165 --> 00:05:25,766
Okay. I'm gonna just end it there.
120
00:05:25,852 --> 00:05:27,104
Squished 11!
121
00:05:30,023 --> 00:05:31,355
More, more. More, more, more!
122
00:05:31,474 --> 00:05:32,773
(inhales deeply)
123
00:05:44,570 --> 00:05:47,204
(breathes heavily)
124
00:05:47,323 --> 00:05:48,239
Yas, queen.
125
00:05:48,324 --> 00:05:49,240
Yas, queen.
126
00:05:49,325 --> 00:05:50,574
- Yas, queen!
- Yas, queen!
127
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:52,388
Again! Yas, queen!
128
00:05:52,445 --> 00:05:54,500
- Yas, queen.
- I smell a duke!
129
00:05:54,535 --> 00:05:56,080
Smell... smell a duke!
130
00:05:56,165 --> 00:05:58,370
- Nice pussy boot!
- Nice pussy boot!
131
00:05:58,405 --> 00:05:59,550
(high pitch) I love you, Abbi!
132
00:05:59,669 --> 00:06:01,302
(high pitch) I love you, Abbi!
133
00:06:03,423 --> 00:06:05,306
Do it!
134
00:06:07,744 --> 00:06:09,393
There you go, you're getting it!
135
00:06:09,512 --> 00:06:11,562
There you go, you're getting it!
136
00:06:13,516 --> 00:06:16,017
Aww, what up, my babies!
137
00:06:16,102 --> 00:06:20,021
(lisping) Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee!
138
00:06:20,106 --> 00:06:21,822
Rape culture sucks!
139
00:06:21,908 --> 00:06:23,407
Recognize!
140
00:06:26,095 --> 00:06:28,262
Lincoln, hey, woo!
141
00:06:28,380 --> 00:06:30,047
(imitating fanfare)
142
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:31,882
My Lincoln Towncar.
143
00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:33,878
But this is a... A Prius, right?
144
00:06:34,038 --> 00:06:37,271
Yeah, but I call it that
because my name is Lincoln.
145
00:06:37,389 --> 00:06:39,606
And I'm gonna drive
around town in my car.
146
00:06:39,725 --> 00:06:42,225
(forcefully laughing)
147
00:06:45,147 --> 00:06:46,196
You okay?
148
00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:48,899
Sorry. I'm so (bleep) nervous.
149
00:06:48,984 --> 00:06:50,784
- Me too.
- You are?
150
00:06:50,903 --> 00:06:51,909
About something else.
151
00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:54,464
I brought you some
comfort food. Turkey jerky.
152
00:06:54,617 --> 00:06:57,658
Organic fruit leather
and some Tuscan nut mix.
153
00:06:57,743 --> 00:06:58,833
(sighs)
154
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,513
I'm not really that hungry, though.
155
00:07:00,548 --> 00:07:02,880
I never understand when people say that,
156
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,681
but I anticipated it.
157
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:08,098
That's why I had Jaim? make
you a... ginger blunt man!
158
00:07:08,133 --> 00:07:10,765
Oh, my God! With real honey!
159
00:07:10,938 --> 00:07:14,599
While I thought an extraordinary
blunt would probably do the trick,
160
00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:16,777
I knew I had to take
it to the next level.
161
00:07:16,896 --> 00:07:21,398
Aww. That almost makes
me feel kind of okay.
162
00:07:21,484 --> 00:07:22,866
163
00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:27,204
(chuckling)
164
00:07:27,289 --> 00:07:28,405
Okay, Ilana Wexler?
165
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:31,396
- Uh... kyuh.
- Great.
166
00:07:31,544 --> 00:07:34,411
Somebody groomed their
dreadlocks in the bathroom.
167
00:07:34,547 --> 00:07:37,036
You can get started by
cleaning those hair stumps.
168
00:07:40,302 --> 00:07:41,919
(chuckles)
169
00:07:42,054 --> 00:07:43,804
You know what, Martha?
170
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:44,972
It's Kristy.
171
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,507
Exactly.
172
00:07:46,592 --> 00:07:48,475
I feel like you really get me.
173
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:50,260
And you know why?
Because you're a "kween".
174
00:07:50,396 --> 00:07:52,679
And you know who else is a kween?
175
00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:53,931
She's a kween.
176
00:07:54,016 --> 00:07:57,317
And we queens, we cannot
be in the back of the bus,
177
00:07:57,436 --> 00:08:00,490
cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks.
178
00:08:00,516 --> 00:08:01,705
"Ja-feel"?
179
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:04,324
- Do you want another assignment?
- Yas, yas, yas.
180
00:08:04,343 --> 00:08:07,611
Okay, why don't you just go help out
Craig with setting up the bulk bins?
181
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:08,996
Okay, Craig...
182
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,414
183
00:08:10,499 --> 00:08:13,500
Only you
184
00:08:14,336 --> 00:08:16,620
Only you
185
00:08:16,755 --> 00:08:20,424
Could treat me like you do
186
00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:23,627
Only she
187
00:08:23,762 --> 00:08:25,679
Wow.
188
00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:31,685
I mean... kyuh.
189
00:08:35,007 --> 00:08:37,177
Since when do you bite your nails?
190
00:08:37,556 --> 00:08:40,561
I didn't even notice. I
do it when I'm nervous.
191
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,196
You can't be nervous,
you're my rock today.
192
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,776
Oh, God.
193
00:08:44,248 --> 00:08:45,896
Ilana, what are you
doing? (car horn honks)
194
00:08:45,985 --> 00:08:48,819
This is dangerous! Prisons are
safe, but they're not that safe!
195
00:08:48,954 --> 00:08:50,484
I need to be swaddled!
196
00:08:50,673 --> 00:08:51,922
Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me,
197
00:08:52,008 --> 00:08:53,457
at least let me drive
and give me road head.
198
00:08:53,592 --> 00:08:55,376
Well, do you want to die
and how does that even work?
199
00:08:55,461 --> 00:08:56,844
Road hand, whatever.
200
00:08:56,962 --> 00:08:58,595
Just quit the pillow
talk and get me off!
201
00:08:58,681 --> 00:08:59,880
I'm driving!
202
00:09:01,150 --> 00:09:04,134
All I'm saying is that we are
on the fast track to, like,
203
00:09:04,270 --> 00:09:05,686
caramel and queerdom.
204
00:09:05,805 --> 00:09:07,104
Huh?
205
00:09:07,189 --> 00:09:09,139
Sexuality is on a spectrum.
206
00:09:09,275 --> 00:09:11,608
It's like, we are just
dancers in the dark,
207
00:09:11,694 --> 00:09:13,370
we're just shards.
208
00:09:13,779 --> 00:09:15,706
"Shweet" ink.
209
00:09:16,148 --> 00:09:18,172
"Shweet" ink, brah!
210
00:09:18,651 --> 00:09:20,067
Sweet tat.
211
00:09:20,152 --> 00:09:22,152
Thanks, it's inspired
by a Bukowski poem.
212
00:09:22,288 --> 00:09:23,424
I actually drew it.
213
00:09:23,459 --> 00:09:25,289
- You drew this?
- Yeah.
214
00:09:25,374 --> 00:09:26,957
I'm an artist.
215
00:09:27,043 --> 00:09:29,043
I mean, not that I
pay the bills with it.
216
00:09:29,161 --> 00:09:31,128
That is amazing, me...
217
00:09:31,213 --> 00:09:36,568
Me... me friend is an artist that
does not pay the bills with it, either.
218
00:09:36,603 --> 00:09:39,420
So I get that. Uh, her name is Abbi.
219
00:09:39,505 --> 00:09:41,070
Oh, cool, what's she make?
220
00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:43,090
Well, she's actually
mostly an illustrator.
221
00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:44,925
I can actually show you.
222
00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:46,560
She sends it to me.
223
00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:49,430
She has this new series
called "Where Are They Now?"
224
00:09:49,515 --> 00:09:53,400
And it's, like, popular
toys and stuff from the '90s
225
00:09:53,519 --> 00:09:55,102
doing, like, office jobs.
226
00:09:55,187 --> 00:09:56,495
They're hilarious. I love it.
227
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:57,664
- Really?
- Yeah.
228
00:09:57,699 --> 00:09:59,780
(scoffs) Yeah. I mean, I knew you would.
229
00:09:59,904 --> 00:10:03,339
'Cause Abbi's kind of like this
undiscovered genius with an ass of an angel.
230
00:10:03,588 --> 00:10:04,763
Yeah.
231
00:10:05,331 --> 00:10:07,095
(chuckling) Martha!
232
00:10:07,418 --> 00:10:10,380
It's Kristy. And that wasn't funny.
233
00:10:11,754 --> 00:10:13,504
Respect the produce, dude.
234
00:10:14,018 --> 00:10:16,300
So anyway, where did
Abbi go to art school?
235
00:10:16,335 --> 00:10:18,592
Um...
236
00:10:18,711 --> 00:10:21,929
237
00:10:23,883 --> 00:10:25,349
(snorting)
238
00:10:25,434 --> 00:10:26,814
What are you doing?
239
00:10:26,849 --> 00:10:28,051
Smelling Abbi.
240
00:10:28,137 --> 00:10:31,824
Thank you so much, sweet Lincoln.
Thank you for calming me today.
241
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,525
You challenged me to
grow and be a big girl.
242
00:10:34,610 --> 00:10:35,742
Ilana Wexler?
243
00:10:35,777 --> 00:10:36,810
(inhales deeply)
244
00:10:36,896 --> 00:10:38,812
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Ilana.
245
00:10:38,898 --> 00:10:40,316
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Ilana. Ilana!
246
00:10:40,444 --> 00:10:42,032
Please stop, please stop,
please stop, please stop!
247
00:10:42,118 --> 00:10:45,386
You have to have all three shots
for the HPV vaccine to even work.
248
00:10:45,471 --> 00:10:46,570
I love my HPV.
249
00:10:46,655 --> 00:10:48,020
I heard your parents
are getting a divorce.
250
00:10:48,055 --> 00:10:49,823
What? Oh, (bleep)!
251
00:10:49,909 --> 00:10:51,575
That's what I say to
distract all the kids...
252
00:10:51,710 --> 00:10:52,910
- (bleep) shit!
- When they're getting their shot.
253
00:10:52,995 --> 00:10:54,328
That's what they say back to me.
254
00:10:54,413 --> 00:10:56,344
So, um, you're all done.
255
00:10:57,416 --> 00:10:58,632
Red.
256
00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,097
(whispers) Oh, God.
257
00:11:00,132 --> 00:11:01,768
- Thank you.
- Oh, one more thing.
258
00:11:01,887 --> 00:11:03,757
Can you turn over, please?
259
00:11:05,007 --> 00:11:06,140
I'm just kidding.
260
00:11:06,258 --> 00:11:07,558
So gullible.
261
00:11:07,643 --> 00:11:11,228
Oh, please, thank your mom
for that Coach bag she got me.
262
00:11:11,313 --> 00:11:13,263
I cannot tell you how many
compliments I get on it.
263
00:11:13,349 --> 00:11:17,618
She really knows how to pick
'em. Doesn't it look so real?
264
00:11:19,271 --> 00:11:20,471
You're kidding.
265
00:11:20,506 --> 00:11:21,321
Mm-hmm.
266
00:11:22,908 --> 00:11:25,108
And a'nudder tang...
267
00:11:25,244 --> 00:11:28,078
Abbi's just incredibly bold and dynamic.
268
00:11:28,164 --> 00:11:31,298
One summer, she traveled across
the country following Phish,
269
00:11:31,417 --> 00:11:32,920
selling mushroom chocolates.
270
00:11:32,955 --> 00:11:34,618
No way, I was a Phish head.
271
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,170
- Me too.
- Me too.
272
00:11:36,288 --> 00:11:38,288
Set the gear shift to the
high gear of your soul.
273
00:11:38,424 --> 00:11:40,048
Run like an antelope outta control.
274
00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:42,342
Yeah, yeah!
275
00:11:42,361 --> 00:11:43,934
Are you a Phish head, too?
276
00:11:44,296 --> 00:11:47,681
No. Not me. Uh, Abbi is.
277
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,266
I just know the one lyric.
278
00:11:49,518 --> 00:11:50,884
(spits)
279
00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:51,885
(sighs)
280
00:11:51,971 --> 00:11:55,355
(nails biting)
281
00:11:55,474 --> 00:11:57,558
You still seem stressed.
282
00:11:57,643 --> 00:11:59,443
You want to blow off some steam?
283
00:11:59,578 --> 00:12:04,510
You know, I'm technically Abbi today, so
if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome.
284
00:12:05,117 --> 00:12:06,668
To be honest,
285
00:12:07,536 --> 00:12:10,904
I've been working up the courage to
tell you something all day. (gasps)
286
00:12:11,242 --> 00:12:12,687
This is hard.
287
00:12:14,827 --> 00:12:16,627
I hooked up with someone else.
288
00:12:20,966 --> 00:12:22,833
(exhales deeply)
289
00:12:25,838 --> 00:12:27,588
- Not bad.
- Not bad.
290
00:12:27,673 --> 00:12:30,424
I know we just met, so...
291
00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:32,476
I hope this doesn't seem too forward,
292
00:12:32,561 --> 00:12:36,680
but I was wondering what
you think about maybe...
293
00:12:36,765 --> 00:12:38,841
setting me up with Abbi.
294
00:12:38,876 --> 00:12:41,568
She seems really, really cool.
295
00:12:41,687 --> 00:12:44,306
I would love to go out.
296
00:12:44,341 --> 00:12:47,107
Wait, uh, I was talking
about your friend.
297
00:12:47,429 --> 00:12:50,485
No, I know, it's like, "mmmdoy"!
298
00:12:50,664 --> 00:12:53,780
You two are gonna be, like, so hot,
you're gonna be like, "Uhh, uhh, uhh!"
299
00:12:53,866 --> 00:12:56,667
Both get, like, super wet, downtown!
300
00:12:56,752 --> 00:12:58,047
Down twat!
301
00:12:58,082 --> 00:12:59,670
Vape life!
302
00:12:59,755 --> 00:13:00,954
Uh...
303
00:13:04,293 --> 00:13:05,259
(grunting)
304
00:13:05,377 --> 00:13:06,710
Yeah, yeah!
305
00:13:12,101 --> 00:13:15,820
(Steve Urkel impression) Did I do that?
306
00:13:16,781 --> 00:13:18,197
(bleep)!
307
00:13:18,950 --> 00:13:19,866
Ugh!
308
00:13:21,286 --> 00:13:25,564
So you're telling me she jerked you off
for eight minutes with what kind of oil?
309
00:13:25,599 --> 00:13:27,064
Almond.
310
00:13:29,794 --> 00:13:30,676
(sighs)
311
00:13:30,795 --> 00:13:32,378
Ugh!
312
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:36,480
Then you had sex doggy
style, and who finished first?
313
00:13:36,515 --> 00:13:37,934
- I don't...
- Tell me!
314
00:13:38,186 --> 00:13:39,526
She did?
315
00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:41,354
Oh!
316
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:42,889
(grunts)
317
00:13:45,226 --> 00:13:47,393
(straining)
318
00:13:49,597 --> 00:13:53,149
And then you spooned watching
YouTube videos of news anchor fails.
319
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:55,067
Who was which spoon?
320
00:13:55,186 --> 00:13:56,933
I was the little spoon!
321
00:14:02,527 --> 00:14:06,862
That is so (bleep) hot!
322
00:14:06,998 --> 00:14:10,416
Huc-a-dangle,
woo-hoo!
323
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:15,037
Couldn't read that reaction for a while.
324
00:14:15,123 --> 00:14:17,206
Thank you so much for
telling me that, woo!
325
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:20,376
We are a modern day Will and
Jada. We are open sex friends.
326
00:14:20,461 --> 00:14:23,179
- We are poly, we are bi.
- I'm not bi.
327
00:14:24,065 --> 00:14:28,901
You're right, how do I know if I
haven't truly tested my boundaries?
328
00:14:29,020 --> 00:14:31,220
Honestly, I've never felt closer to you.
329
00:14:31,355 --> 00:14:33,253
You are a damn king.
330
00:14:34,392 --> 00:14:36,913
What if we tricked her
into having a threesome?
331
00:14:36,948 --> 00:14:41,530
People really shouldn't trick
other people into having sex.
332
00:14:41,616 --> 00:14:43,232
Whoa.
333
00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:45,568
I've heard so many women say that,
334
00:14:45,653 --> 00:14:48,370
but when you say it, I really hear it.
335
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:51,040
All right, penis kiss.
336
00:14:51,125 --> 00:14:53,209
(car horn honking) (kissing sounds)
337
00:14:53,294 --> 00:14:55,127
Okay.
338
00:14:57,799 --> 00:15:00,016
339
00:15:00,351 --> 00:15:02,518
So, wait. All porn is kiddie porn?
340
00:15:02,604 --> 00:15:05,304
Basically, all entertainment
is porn. It's like, everywhere.
341
00:15:05,390 --> 00:15:08,391
It's like, soon, they're gonna be, like,
screening on the inside of our eyes.
342
00:15:08,476 --> 00:15:09,609
(Ilana) Ab, Ab, Ab, Ab.
343
00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:11,861
(chuckling) What?
344
00:15:11,946 --> 00:15:13,980
Lincoln hooked up with another girl.
345
00:15:14,065 --> 00:15:16,115
She started by jerking
him off with almond oil.
346
00:15:16,134 --> 00:15:17,650
She went slow but
really tight squeeze...
347
00:15:17,735 --> 00:15:20,119
Okay, shh, shh, shh,
shh. Dude, you gotta go.
348
00:15:20,238 --> 00:15:22,204
I've been hitting it off with
this guy and it's complicated.
349
00:15:22,290 --> 00:15:25,458
Oh, hey.
350
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:26,742
Is this your friend Abbi?
351
00:15:26,878 --> 00:15:30,162
Yeah, this is my friend, Abbi.
352
00:15:30,248 --> 00:15:32,798
Ab, this is Craig.
353
00:15:33,227 --> 00:15:34,717
A guy.
354
00:15:38,423 --> 00:15:41,015
Hi, I'm Abbi.
355
00:15:41,559 --> 00:15:43,175
I love pugs.
356
00:15:43,261 --> 00:15:47,437
My family comes from a
long line of colonial Jews.
357
00:15:48,583 --> 00:15:51,651
Ilana has told me so much about you.
It's crazy how much we have in common.
358
00:15:51,769 --> 00:15:53,019
On the count of three,
your favorite Phish album.
359
00:15:53,104 --> 00:15:55,655
One, two, three. "Rift"!
360
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,075
Sorry.
361
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,033
I have to take this.
362
00:16:01,068 --> 00:16:02,828
Hello?
363
00:16:02,947 --> 00:16:05,915
It's my doctor with the X-rays.
364
00:16:06,849 --> 00:16:07,924
What?!
365
00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,619
No, I don't need a labia reduction,
366
00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:12,455
I was just asking about it.
367
00:16:12,590 --> 00:16:16,842
And I'm gonna make a call to
the Better Business Bureau.
368
00:16:18,796 --> 00:16:20,262
(scoffs)
369
00:16:20,348 --> 00:16:22,381
Listen, on paper, Abbi seems perfect.
370
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:25,572
But she's just not my type physically.
371
00:16:26,354 --> 00:16:27,937
I like a girl with a butt.
372
00:16:28,022 --> 00:16:30,125
Me! Me, I have... butt.
373
00:16:30,775 --> 00:16:32,362
Okay, come here.
374
00:16:32,621 --> 00:16:34,155
(sighs)
375
00:16:37,065 --> 00:16:38,772
I've been pretending to be Ilana.
376
00:16:39,317 --> 00:16:41,650
I'm really Abbi. Hi.
377
00:16:42,189 --> 00:16:43,456
Wait, what?
378
00:16:43,488 --> 00:16:46,124
All that stuff I said
about Abbi, that's me.
379
00:16:46,159 --> 00:16:47,239
I'm her.
380
00:16:47,325 --> 00:16:50,242
Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish.
381
00:16:50,328 --> 00:16:51,961
I wear full-length shirts.
382
00:16:52,046 --> 00:16:55,297
This isn't me. This is me.
383
00:16:55,575 --> 00:16:59,506
You impersonated someone to
cover a shift at the co-op?
384
00:16:59,541 --> 00:17:04,256
Technically, that is...
how I would explain it.
385
00:17:04,342 --> 00:17:06,392
No way.
386
00:17:06,511 --> 00:17:09,489
The Abbi I've been hearing about all
day would never do something like this.
387
00:17:09,792 --> 00:17:11,180
She would,
388
00:17:11,265 --> 00:17:14,183
'cause I did, for my best friend.
389
00:17:15,653 --> 00:17:17,853
I don't know what's more disgusting.
390
00:17:17,989 --> 00:17:20,156
The fact that you've
been lying to me all day
391
00:17:20,241 --> 00:17:22,549
or the fact that you
tried to cheat the co-op.
392
00:17:23,995 --> 00:17:25,611
This is a place of trust.
393
00:17:27,031 --> 00:17:28,781
In the words of Phish,
394
00:17:28,866 --> 00:17:31,200
"Deduct the carrots from your pay,
395
00:17:31,335 --> 00:17:35,421
you worthless, swampy fool."
396
00:17:35,878 --> 00:17:38,882
"Cavern." I love that song.
397
00:17:39,377 --> 00:17:42,378
Every 46 minutes of it.
398
00:17:42,513 --> 00:17:44,680
How slick was that labia mention, right?
399
00:17:44,766 --> 00:17:46,766
Yeah. How slick.
400
00:17:51,139 --> 00:17:54,056
You signed a billion-year contract
401
00:17:54,192 --> 00:17:58,561
specifically prohibiting
the sharing of shifts.
402
00:17:58,646 --> 00:18:00,358
Guess I didn't read the fine print.
403
00:18:00,393 --> 00:18:02,231
There it is, okay.
404
00:18:03,030 --> 00:18:06,535
I'm sorry, but are you... breastfeeding?
405
00:18:06,621 --> 00:18:09,371
The power of co-op
produce has made me fertile
406
00:18:09,457 --> 00:18:11,659
into my 50s and beyond.
407
00:18:11,815 --> 00:18:12,992
So amazing.
408
00:18:13,077 --> 00:18:15,359
Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan.
409
00:18:16,214 --> 00:18:17,663
- No butter.
- I just got it.
410
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:21,568
You two are SPs. Shitty peoples.
411
00:18:21,586 --> 00:18:22,519
(camera shutter clicks)
412
00:18:22,597 --> 00:18:24,637
You belong on garbage island.
413
00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:26,440
Nobody belongs on garbage island!
414
00:18:26,475 --> 00:18:27,420
(camera shutter clicks)
415
00:18:27,537 --> 00:18:30,922
- We as a society are very...
- Puh-leeze! I know your type.
416
00:18:30,978 --> 00:18:34,263
You act and you think like
you're all eco-conscious.
417
00:18:34,348 --> 00:18:36,765
But I see you with your iced coffees
418
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,767
and your food to go.
419
00:18:38,903 --> 00:18:43,239
You are garbage island,
and you are officially
420
00:18:43,324 --> 00:18:46,771
disconnected from the co-op for life.
421
00:18:46,954 --> 00:18:49,778
Fine. I hear the Bushwick
co-op is better anyway.
422
00:18:49,914 --> 00:18:52,164
(laughing)
423
00:18:52,283 --> 00:18:54,242
All the co-ops are connected.
424
00:18:54,252 --> 00:18:57,273
We also have connections with
security at Whole Foods. (both gasp)
425
00:18:57,390 --> 00:19:00,956
That's right, you two
are going to be eating
426
00:19:01,042 --> 00:19:04,627
vending machine food
427
00:19:04,712 --> 00:19:10,599
and bodega veggies for the
rest of your very short lives.
428
00:19:10,685 --> 00:19:12,384
Now, get the (bleep) out.
429
00:19:12,470 --> 00:19:13,636
Jesus.
430
00:19:13,721 --> 00:19:15,697
You "carniv-whores"!
431
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:17,606
Go on!
432
00:19:19,477 --> 00:19:20,943
(whispers) Oh, Robert.
433
00:19:22,864 --> 00:19:24,984
(baby stirs) Oh, latch.
434
00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:28,048
And then he gave her water
for her cranberry pills.
435
00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,751
She's prone to UTls.
436
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,136
But you're not jealous at all?
437
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:35,698
You know, if you love something, you
have to let it have sex with other people.
438
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,236
And then if it comes back to you, dope,
439
00:19:37,271 --> 00:19:39,510
'cause you also get to
have sex with other people.
440
00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,562
I never heard that version.
441
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:42,729
I like it.
442
00:19:43,146 --> 00:19:45,649
My whole arm hurts.
443
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:49,269
Don't you already have HPV?
444
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:51,772
Of course I have HPV.
445
00:19:51,907 --> 00:19:54,825
I'd almost be embarrassed
not to have HPV at this point.
446
00:19:56,089 --> 00:19:57,027
Totally.
447
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,829
But now, I don't have the three strains
448
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,831
that can cause cervical cancer.
449
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,416
(chuckling)
450
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:05,002
You know...
451
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,120
it's okay, what happened with Craig.
452
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,872
It's like, yeah, we hit it off.
453
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,367
Yeah, he was like, really (bleep) hot.
454
00:20:11,382 --> 00:20:14,197
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he seemed to really like "Abbi."
455
00:20:14,232 --> 00:20:16,836
Things just don't work out, but
he was right about one thing.
456
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:20,410
"Rift" is without a
doubt Phish's best album.
457
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,685
Studio album, at least.
458
00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:23,353
Can I tell you something?
459
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,135
I don't think I've ever
heard a (bleep) Phish song.
460
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:25,722
What?
461
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:27,663
And that (bleep) was with a P-H.
462
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:29,627
- Yeah, never.
- No.
463
00:20:29,757 --> 00:20:32,145
But, like, I feel like I
get it, like, it's all, like.
464
00:20:32,281 --> 00:20:34,648
Dollar for your problem boy
465
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,618
White dirty having
fun in the end
466
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:38,986
No. (imitating bass line)
467
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,320
No, dude.
468
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:43,991
It's not far off though.
469
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:46,326
(imitating guitar)
(imitating percussion)
470
00:20:48,214 --> 00:20:51,999
She said she don't
wanna go downtown
471
00:20:52,134 --> 00:20:54,599
She wanna stay on the farm
472
00:20:54,634 --> 00:20:55,950
Yeah!
473
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,550
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