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1
00:00:00,201 --> 00:00:02,986
(Horn playing "America the Beautiful")
2
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,376
(Cheering)
3
00:00:10,412 --> 00:00:11,744
It's the little American.
4
00:00:11,830 --> 00:00:13,212
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
5
00:00:13,248 --> 00:00:15,081
(Both) Jaime, what's wrong?
6
00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:17,133
Well, I, um, I failed the test.
7
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,551
(Both gasp)
8
00:00:18,587 --> 00:00:20,470
And I'm getting deported.
9
00:00:20,555 --> 00:00:23,389
Jaime, those old white dudes
are impossible to tell apart.
10
00:00:23,425 --> 00:00:24,674
I know, babe, I know.
11
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:27,143
(Sniffling)
12
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,428
Just kidding!
13
00:00:28,513 --> 00:00:29,896
I passed the test!
14
00:00:29,931 --> 00:00:32,315
Ah... oh, man!
15
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,183
Tomorrow I become a true American.
16
00:00:34,269 --> 00:00:35,485
I got you, I got you, I got you!
17
00:00:35,570 --> 00:00:37,103
- Yeah, Jaime!
- I believed you...
18
00:00:37,188 --> 00:00:39,105
It was scary.
19
00:00:39,190 --> 00:00:41,190
My heart, it was exploding.
20
00:00:41,276 --> 00:00:42,442
I'm so sorry.
21
00:00:42,559 --> 00:00:43,675
It's so good, though.
22
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,927
Hemos, tonight is going to be a night
23
00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:49,013
that you are never, ever gonna forget.
24
00:00:49,065 --> 00:00:51,399
We are going to sail right
past the Statue of Liberty,
25
00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:53,317
like the true American immigrants did.
26
00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:54,986
It's unbelievable that we live in a city
27
00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:59,023
where our ancestors passed
through Ellis Island.
28
00:00:59,075 --> 00:01:01,025
Yeah... mine didn't.
29
00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,913
Right. Right, right, right.
30
00:01:05,999 --> 00:01:08,199
(Men)
four and three
and two and one-one
31
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,200
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
32
00:01:13,453 --> 00:01:15,036
So, Melody can only put my name on the list
33
00:01:15,121 --> 00:01:17,455
because her law firm's
like, really strict and rich,
34
00:01:17,507 --> 00:01:18,790
or whatever, but it should be fine.
35
00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:20,508
Dude, Melody owes you.
36
00:01:20,593 --> 00:01:22,877
Her boyfriend lives in your apartment...
37
00:01:22,962 --> 00:01:24,428
Like, completely free.
38
00:01:24,464 --> 00:01:26,931
I wonder if that Aryan ghost
will even appear tonight.
39
00:01:26,966 --> 00:01:28,216
No, Melody's gonna be here.
40
00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:29,634
She e-mailed me to tell
me there's gonna be like,
41
00:01:29,686 --> 00:01:32,687
all this free booze and all this free food.
42
00:01:32,772 --> 00:01:34,472
I brought ziplocs, pass it down.
43
00:01:37,393 --> 00:01:39,560
Okay, have fun.
44
00:01:39,646 --> 00:01:40,778
Name.
45
00:01:40,814 --> 00:01:43,648
Hello, I am Abbi Abrams, thank you.
46
00:01:44,951 --> 00:01:45,900
A...
47
00:01:45,985 --> 00:01:47,819
No, no, no, no, I don't see it.
48
00:01:47,871 --> 00:01:49,570
It's Abbi with an "I".
49
00:01:49,656 --> 00:01:50,872
Uh, nope.
50
00:01:50,957 --> 00:01:51,823
How are you possibly reading all the names?
51
00:01:51,908 --> 00:01:53,157
You're going so fast.
52
00:01:53,209 --> 00:01:56,327
- I... this is my space, so just, please.
- Okay.
53
00:01:56,412 --> 00:01:58,496
- Oh, there it is, okay.
- Yes.
54
00:01:58,548 --> 00:01:59,714
Thank you. Thank you so much.
55
00:01:59,799 --> 00:02:02,300
But it's not plus three, so...
56
00:02:02,335 --> 00:02:06,637
Okay, um, I have an
assistant, and they called.
57
00:02:06,673 --> 00:02:08,639
Chrissy, did you not call...
58
00:02:08,675 --> 00:02:12,393
to change the confirmation
like I asked you to?
59
00:02:12,478 --> 00:02:16,814
Did you mess up my plans once again
60
00:02:16,850 --> 00:02:20,351
and not call to change?
61
00:02:20,436 --> 00:02:21,903
I'm so sorry, I forgot.
62
00:02:21,988 --> 00:02:23,154
We're trying to get on the boat.
63
00:02:23,189 --> 00:02:25,523
This is an important
business boat meeting...
64
00:02:25,575 --> 00:02:27,241
Just please don't hit
me in front of everybody.
65
00:02:27,327 --> 00:02:30,027
You know what, your mom
died two weeks ago, Chrissy!
66
00:02:30,113 --> 00:02:32,196
Get your (Bleep) together! I'm so sorry.
67
00:02:32,248 --> 00:02:33,281
No, it's fine.
68
00:02:33,366 --> 00:02:34,832
Just get on the boat, just get on the boat.
69
00:02:34,868 --> 00:02:36,200
- I don't care.
- All right, we'll deal with this later.
70
00:02:36,252 --> 00:02:39,337
- I don't care.
- Okay, thank you.
71
00:02:39,372 --> 00:02:41,205
I want to give this to you.
72
00:02:41,257 --> 00:02:42,173
Bye-bye, balloons.
73
00:02:42,208 --> 00:02:43,341
Wait up.
74
00:02:43,376 --> 00:02:44,208
Cha-cha cha-cha cha cha
75
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,510
cha-cha cha cha
76
00:02:46,546 --> 00:02:47,511
77
00:02:55,521 --> 00:02:57,388
(Laughing)
78
00:03:08,651 --> 00:03:09,700
It's fantastic.
79
00:03:09,736 --> 00:03:11,702
You have like, a full-blown family.
80
00:03:11,738 --> 00:03:13,537
Well... how old is your daughter?
81
00:03:13,573 --> 00:03:15,373
Well, she was born in Q-3 of '012,
82
00:03:15,408 --> 00:03:18,910
so she's 11-quarters old.
83
00:03:18,995 --> 00:03:21,128
(Lincoln) Maybe I should start
wearing belts with seafood on 'em.
84
00:03:21,214 --> 00:03:26,083
I bet every guy on this boat
is into annas with bananas.
85
00:03:26,169 --> 00:03:27,084
Huh?
86
00:03:27,170 --> 00:03:30,588
Denises the penises.
87
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:32,390
Gals with dongs, bro.
88
00:03:32,425 --> 00:03:33,424
Oh.
89
00:03:33,476 --> 00:03:35,643
Lawyers love 'em, so hot.
90
00:03:35,728 --> 00:03:38,479
You say that about every single
white-collar professional.
91
00:03:38,564 --> 00:03:42,316
(Scoffing)
92
00:03:42,402 --> 00:03:43,317
So, where do you guys live?
93
00:03:43,403 --> 00:03:45,653
(Together) Murray Hill.
94
00:03:45,738 --> 00:03:47,855
But I'm moving to Williamsburg!
95
00:03:52,612 --> 00:03:53,778
This is gonna take forever.
96
00:03:53,830 --> 00:03:55,196
You know what, Jaime, this is your night.
97
00:03:55,281 --> 00:03:56,330
You're not waiting in line
98
00:03:56,416 --> 00:03:58,165
like some bridge and tunnel club meet.
99
00:03:58,251 --> 00:03:59,450
- It's okay.
- Yeah, you know what,
100
00:03:59,535 --> 00:04:01,002
why don't you guys go check out the view?
101
00:04:01,087 --> 00:04:02,036
We'll wait it out. What do you want?
102
00:04:02,121 --> 00:04:03,037
Really?
103
00:04:03,122 --> 00:04:05,172
Yeah.
104
00:04:05,258 --> 00:04:06,874
Okay, I want a gin and
vodka maraschino sizzle,
105
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,510
okay, with curacao, and a...
106
00:04:09,595 --> 00:04:11,512
And a little splash of cr?me de menthe.
107
00:04:11,597 --> 00:04:13,431
That sounds good. I'll have one, too.
108
00:04:13,466 --> 00:04:14,632
- Okay.
- Two, coming up.
109
00:04:14,684 --> 00:04:15,967
Okay, bye.
110
00:04:16,019 --> 00:04:17,218
They are totally getting beer.
111
00:04:17,303 --> 00:04:18,853
(Bevers) Hey, Abi-dab!
112
00:04:18,938 --> 00:04:20,938
Oh, Bevers.
113
00:04:20,974 --> 00:04:24,141
Melody and I have been looking
for you guys everywhere.
114
00:04:24,227 --> 00:04:26,444
She just went to the can,
she had to take a doody.
115
00:04:26,479 --> 00:04:28,696
I'm sure she'll be so happy you told us.
116
00:04:28,781 --> 00:04:30,448
You guys aren't waiting in
line for the bar, are you?
117
00:04:30,483 --> 00:04:31,816
You don't have to do that.
118
00:04:31,868 --> 00:04:33,985
(Whispering) I know where
they keep the liquor.
119
00:04:34,037 --> 00:04:35,319
Um, we're fine, waiting.
120
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,872
What? No. Trust me,
I've sailed on this boat
121
00:04:37,957 --> 00:04:39,824
with Melody for 12 quarters now.
122
00:04:39,876 --> 00:04:41,492
I know all its secrets.
123
00:04:41,577 --> 00:04:44,128
The captain is a murderer.
124
00:04:44,163 --> 00:04:45,162
- What?
- Really?
125
00:04:45,248 --> 00:04:49,050
(Mocking) Yeah, really.
126
00:04:49,135 --> 00:04:51,836
They don't let murderers be captains.
127
00:04:51,888 --> 00:04:53,220
Come on, let's go.
128
00:04:53,306 --> 00:04:54,588
Come on, let's get some stuff.
129
00:04:54,674 --> 00:04:56,424
Come on, come on.
130
00:05:16,029 --> 00:05:18,329
Ah... all right.
131
00:05:25,204 --> 00:05:26,287
Whoa!
132
00:05:26,372 --> 00:05:29,040
Whoa, Bevers.
133
00:05:29,125 --> 00:05:31,425
You actually pulled through.
134
00:05:31,511 --> 00:05:34,045
Abbi, you never give me enough credit.
135
00:05:34,097 --> 00:05:36,931
I got moves you never seen.
136
00:05:37,016 --> 00:05:39,266
Okay, let's just get the
drinks and go, all right?
137
00:05:39,352 --> 00:05:40,351
Yeah... yeah, yeah, yeah.
138
00:05:40,386 --> 00:05:43,721
(Bottles clanking)
139
00:05:43,773 --> 00:05:44,855
- This is good.
- Okay.
140
00:05:44,891 --> 00:05:46,474
This is good.
141
00:05:48,061 --> 00:05:51,228
(Door clanking)
142
00:05:51,314 --> 00:05:53,697
It's locked?
143
00:05:53,733 --> 00:05:55,866
It's not my fault.
144
00:05:55,902 --> 00:05:57,701
Help, somebody!
145
00:05:57,737 --> 00:05:59,537
Rape! Rape!
146
00:05:59,572 --> 00:06:00,738
Dude!
147
00:06:00,790 --> 00:06:02,406
You're supposed to yell
"rape" in emergencies.
148
00:06:02,458 --> 00:06:04,542
No, it's "fire," you yell "fire."
149
00:06:04,577 --> 00:06:06,627
Oh, fine. Fire!
150
00:06:06,712 --> 00:06:08,412
- Fire!
- Hello!
151
00:06:08,464 --> 00:06:09,713
Wait, wait, move out of the way.
152
00:06:09,749 --> 00:06:10,748
I'm gonna ram the door.
153
00:06:10,833 --> 00:06:13,801
The man is gonna ram the door.
154
00:06:13,886 --> 00:06:16,587
Wanna see me ram it?
155
00:06:16,639 --> 00:06:20,091
Ah! (Bleep)
156
00:06:20,176 --> 00:06:21,225
(Bevers moaning)
157
00:06:21,260 --> 00:06:22,093
(Abbi) Are you okay?
158
00:06:22,178 --> 00:06:23,844
Well, yeah.
159
00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:25,062
Fire!
160
00:06:25,098 --> 00:06:27,398
Fire and rape!
161
00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:29,483
Rape and fire!
162
00:06:29,569 --> 00:06:30,601
Fire rape!
163
00:06:31,810 --> 00:06:34,028
Still no service. Uhh!
164
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:35,893
I honestly have always thought
165
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,346
that we'd die in each other's arms at sea.
166
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,680
Ah! Balls.
167
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:43,351
Sorry, Abbi, I broke
your Starbucks gift card.
168
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,353
Bevers, I still had $17 on that.
169
00:06:45,438 --> 00:06:46,437
Well, maybe now you can
170
00:06:46,522 --> 00:06:48,356
start supporting local businesses.
171
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,608
Listen, there are 250 lawyers on this boat.
172
00:06:50,693 --> 00:06:52,443
These guys drink a lot.
173
00:06:52,528 --> 00:06:54,996
So, if each one of them has
at least three drinks per hour,
174
00:06:55,031 --> 00:06:58,165
that's 750 drinks every hour.
175
00:06:58,201 --> 00:07:00,701
What is this, the 2400 point SAT?
176
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:01,702
(Mocking) No, silly.
177
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,204
(Normal voice) It's simple math.
178
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,424
They're gonna have to restock
the bar in 20 to 25 minutes.
179
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,759
We only wanna hang out with
each other anyway, right?
180
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,128
(Chuckling)
181
00:07:11,214 --> 00:07:12,380
So, what's the vibe gonna be like
182
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,382
at the naturalization ceremony?
183
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,218
Can I wear my American flag
tie, or would that be too gauche?
184
00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:21,055
Hold on, I'm gonna be wearing
my American flag contact lenses.
185
00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:22,056
Yeah, they burn me very badly.
186
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,524
I should stop.
187
00:07:23,559 --> 00:07:26,394
Hey, cheers to you, dude,
for becoming a citizen,
188
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,647
and also to me... this is
my first time ever on a boat.
189
00:07:29,732 --> 00:07:31,532
No, really?
190
00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:32,733
No, prank, man.
191
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:33,951
I'm a well-to-do dentist,
192
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:35,620
of course I've been on a boat before.
193
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,071
- Ah, you got me.
- Cheers.
194
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,126
That is how we cheers in Latin America.
195
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:44,629
- Really?
- No, man, prank, bitch.
196
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:45,630
(Both laughing)
197
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:47,581
I'm stealin' that one.
198
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:51,752
(Abbi) Okay, I got one.
199
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,839
Captain Morgan...
200
00:07:54,924 --> 00:07:59,760
Jack Daniels, Svedka vodka, robot...
201
00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:01,095
(Ilana) Easy... kill the dudes,
202
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:04,265
(bleep) and marry that robot.
203
00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:05,599
You guys know that human-robot marriage
204
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:09,186
is gonna be the civil
rights issue of our lifetime?
205
00:08:09,272 --> 00:08:10,438
Oh, really?
206
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,656
(Bevers) I got one.
207
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:16,444
Would you rather drink a cup of mayonnaise,
208
00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:19,914
or a cup of jazz?
209
00:08:19,949 --> 00:08:21,582
What the (Bleep) is jazz?
210
00:08:21,617 --> 00:08:24,452
You know, you jerk off and jazz shoots out.
211
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,620
I knew that that was
gonna be something awful.
212
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,205
Why did we ask?
213
00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:29,457
I like to call it jazz
214
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:31,759
because it comes out of my horn
215
00:08:31,794 --> 00:08:33,761
and you never know where it's gonna go.
216
00:08:33,796 --> 00:08:36,630
That is so gross.
217
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:38,132
(With Patois accent) Me
hearing a lot of chitchat.
218
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:41,635
Me don't hear you answering
that question, why?
219
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,187
And you never will.
220
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:44,555
I would chug the jazz.
221
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,141
(Chuckling)
222
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:49,110
(Jaime) Lincoln, can I tell you a secret?
223
00:08:49,145 --> 00:08:51,195
I want to practice talking
in an American accent,
224
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,730
but I'm very scared.
225
00:08:52,815 --> 00:08:55,232
You're in international
waters, man, spread your wings.
226
00:08:55,318 --> 00:08:57,485
Okay, I do this for you.
227
00:08:57,570 --> 00:08:58,986
Um...
228
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:02,907
(American accent) I love hamburgers...
229
00:09:02,992 --> 00:09:05,960
and I love DUI's.
230
00:09:05,995 --> 00:09:07,712
(Man) Hey, bro, do I know
you from Michigan state?
231
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,213
Were you Delta Sig?
232
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:11,749
Eh...
233
00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:13,718
(American accent) That's correct, bro-sef.
234
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,721
I was a frat bro upon the campus.
235
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,005
I knew it.
236
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:29,183
Uh, Abbi, I don't think
anybody washed those.
237
00:09:29,268 --> 00:09:32,853
I don't even care, I
am so hungry right now.
238
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:37,074
You're in luck, you can
eat some of my shrimp.
239
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,693
Bevers, why do you have
shrimp in your pocket?
240
00:09:39,779 --> 00:09:41,612
Because the shrimp is
always the first thing
241
00:09:41,697 --> 00:09:43,330
to get eaten on these boats.
242
00:09:43,366 --> 00:09:45,833
I gave you a ziploc
this morning, did I not?
243
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:49,537
And she is occupato.
244
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,422
You're welcome.
245
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:53,507
Dude, check this out.
246
00:09:53,543 --> 00:09:56,010
(Abbi) Oh, my God.
247
00:09:56,045 --> 00:09:57,178
Whoopsie.
248
00:09:57,213 --> 00:09:59,213
It was supposed to be a surprise.
249
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:03,267
I'm gonna propose to Melody tonight.
250
00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:06,220
(Vocalizing dramatic
fanfare) Bom-bom bwooom.
251
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:10,107
I really haven't thought about it,
252
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,143
but I'd be posh spice.
253
00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:13,477
Oh, you're so posh spice.
254
00:10:13,563 --> 00:10:15,062
I wish there could've
been like, a Latina one
255
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,697
called "the spicy spice,"
256
00:10:16,732 --> 00:10:18,199
but this is just a fantasy of mine.
257
00:10:18,234 --> 00:10:20,451
Open your eyes, man.
258
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:23,571
Shakira is spicy spice.
259
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,956
Oh... my God.
260
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,658
You're a genius.
261
00:10:27,743 --> 00:10:29,076
Wait, this is insane.
262
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,245
I mean, have you even
talked to Melody about this?
263
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,715
No, but we've been dating
for like, 12 quarters.
264
00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:37,301
I mean, three years.
265
00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:38,469
It just feels like it's time.
266
00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:40,004
Besides, we already live together.
267
00:10:40,089 --> 00:10:42,723
No, you do not live together.
268
00:10:42,758 --> 00:10:44,058
You have your own apartment.
269
00:10:44,093 --> 00:10:45,259
Jesus!
270
00:10:48,264 --> 00:10:50,681
Does this mean that you'd be moving out?
271
00:10:50,766 --> 00:10:52,149
I've been dreading this conversation,
272
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:56,654
but, yeah, I know, I
feel sad about it, too.
273
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:57,905
I actually wanted to ask you, though,
274
00:10:57,940 --> 00:11:00,658
if you would be my best man.
275
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,610
Bevers, you have four brothers.
276
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:06,413
But, I feel like you're the
one who really, really gets me.
277
00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:07,615
When we get out of here,
278
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,284
I'm gonna pop the big
"Q" in front of everybody.
279
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:12,453
I already worked it all out with the DJ.
280
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,505
I'm such a showboat.
281
00:11:14,590 --> 00:11:16,674
This is rude, I'm sorry, but bride marriage
282
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,626
keeps women treated like property.
283
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:20,294
I thought all women wanted to get married.
284
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:23,297
- Wake up, Bevers.
- Yeah, one day.
285
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,799
No offense, but women
don't hit their sexual peak
286
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:29,887
until their extremely late 30's.
287
00:11:29,972 --> 00:11:31,355
I just feel like you guys are young
288
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,440
to be lockin' it down.
289
00:11:33,476 --> 00:11:35,809
Government-mandated
monogamy is for old people,
290
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:39,146
like Facebook invites or network TV.
291
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,232
Or it's not, Ilana.
292
00:11:41,317 --> 00:11:43,701
Bevers, you love this woman.
293
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:46,787
She is your lock and key.
294
00:11:46,822 --> 00:11:48,789
Marry her, start a new life together,
295
00:11:48,824 --> 00:11:50,658
get a new apartment.
296
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,127
Go for it, man.
297
00:11:53,162 --> 00:11:56,830
I'm the king of America!
298
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:58,215
All right, switch, now I get to be Rose.
299
00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,166
Okay, okay.
300
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,384
I'm confused.
301
00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:03,637
You and Lincoln seem like
a pretty serious couple.
302
00:12:03,673 --> 00:12:04,972
We're sex friends...
303
00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:09,727
although we haven't had
sex in like, four days.
304
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:12,146
You know, today I was
actually with him all day,
305
00:12:12,181 --> 00:12:14,932
but I didn't see his dick once.
306
00:12:15,017 --> 00:12:16,767
Melody and I haven't had sex in weeks,
307
00:12:16,852 --> 00:12:17,851
on purpose, though.
308
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:18,852
It's called "edging."
309
00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:19,937
Edging?
310
00:12:20,022 --> 00:12:21,105
It's like when you
311
00:12:21,190 --> 00:12:22,690
get yourself super aroused,
312
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,525
but you don't blow your orgasm,
313
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:26,243
you never blow your orgasm.
314
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:27,778
You know how whales have that blow hole?
315
00:12:27,863 --> 00:12:29,163
Yeah, o... okay.
316
00:12:29,198 --> 00:12:32,833
Ab, do you think Lincoln
and I are like a "couple"?
317
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:34,034
I don't know, I mean, you've been spending
318
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,619
a lot more time with him lately, right?
319
00:12:35,705 --> 00:12:36,870
And if you're not having sex,
320
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,923
he's either your boyfriend
or your best friend.
321
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:39,873
Ow!
322
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,208
You are my best friend!
323
00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:43,344
Don't you ever call anybody else that!
324
00:12:43,379 --> 00:12:44,712
What the (Bleep)?
325
00:12:44,797 --> 00:12:46,547
He's not my boyfriend!
326
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,766
I'm wild and I'm free!
327
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,602
I'm a sexual X-man, I'm Wolverine.
328
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,687
I'm Vulva-rine.
329
00:12:53,723 --> 00:12:55,139
(Bevers with British
accent) Me thinks the lady
330
00:12:55,224 --> 00:12:58,559
doth protest too much.
331
00:12:58,644 --> 00:12:59,893
Ew!
332
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,562
(Screaming)
333
00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:07,368
Let us out!
334
00:13:07,403 --> 00:13:08,619
God!
335
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:10,654
Jesus.
336
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:14,375
What are you guys doing in there?
337
00:13:14,410 --> 00:13:15,909
It smells like balls in here.
338
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,580
No, no! My Insulin!
339
00:13:21,638 --> 00:13:22,920
(Ilana) If Lincoln and I are a couple,
340
00:13:22,972 --> 00:13:26,090
it's like, why did my
ancestors even come here?
341
00:13:26,176 --> 00:13:27,258
(Abbi) I don't know.
342
00:13:27,343 --> 00:13:29,343
Why don't you just have sex with Lincoln?
343
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:31,596
And then you're back
to being friends, right?
344
00:13:31,681 --> 00:13:34,265
You got beauty, you got brains,
345
00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:35,316
you're a (Bleep) genius.
346
00:13:35,401 --> 00:13:36,434
Do you want a kiss?
347
00:13:36,519 --> 00:13:38,019
That's okay. Are you sure?
348
00:13:38,104 --> 00:13:39,487
Abbi! Ilana!
349
00:13:39,572 --> 00:13:42,156
Oh... saved by the bell.
350
00:13:42,242 --> 00:13:43,858
The boys with the penises!
351
00:13:43,943 --> 00:13:44,992
Where have you been?
352
00:13:45,078 --> 00:13:47,161
Oh, it's coming.
353
00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:49,113
(Lincoln) We were looking
everywhere for you.
354
00:13:49,199 --> 00:13:52,083
Except, we forgot to look for you.
355
00:13:52,118 --> 00:13:54,585
Hey, do either of you
two have like, a knife?
356
00:13:54,621 --> 00:13:56,838
Because me and Lincoln want
to become blood brothers.
357
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:57,839
Blood brothers.
358
00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,590
(Abbi) I have an idea.
359
00:13:59,626 --> 00:14:03,094
We should drink more, ooh, whoa
360
00:14:03,129 --> 00:14:05,129
Oh, oh, whoa-oh
361
00:14:05,181 --> 00:14:08,266
Let's go, I'll go get some drinks.
362
00:14:08,301 --> 00:14:10,351
Not you, you little bois.
363
00:14:10,436 --> 00:14:12,470
- We are gonna do it, right now.
- Yeah?
364
00:14:12,555 --> 00:14:14,105
- P to P.
- P to P?
365
00:14:14,140 --> 00:14:15,356
- Pubes to pubes.
- Pubes...
366
00:14:15,441 --> 00:14:16,607
Come on.
367
00:14:16,643 --> 00:14:17,809
That's a weird way to say that, but...
368
00:14:17,861 --> 00:14:20,611
369
00:14:33,159 --> 00:14:35,910
Hey! There are people (Bleep) in here!
370
00:14:35,995 --> 00:14:36,828
Rude!
371
00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:41,549
(Man) Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
372
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:43,417
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
373
00:14:43,503 --> 00:14:44,836
Oh! Ah, yeah!
374
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,007
Oh, hey, what's up, man?
375
00:14:50,059 --> 00:14:51,142
I remember you from earlier.
376
00:14:51,177 --> 00:14:52,844
- He's a nice guy.
- What's up, man?
377
00:14:52,896 --> 00:14:55,263
- Y'all have a good one.
- Enjoy.
378
00:14:55,348 --> 00:14:57,181
?� ?
379
00:15:00,854 --> 00:15:02,520
(Klaxon sounding)
380
00:15:02,605 --> 00:15:07,491
(On PA) Ladies and
gentlemen, we're going down.
381
00:15:07,527 --> 00:15:08,776
I'm kidding!
382
00:15:08,862 --> 00:15:09,861
You all know what that sound means...
383
00:15:09,913 --> 00:15:12,613
it's a love emergency!
384
00:15:12,699 --> 00:15:14,699
And we're gonna need
Mattie Bevers to the mic.
385
00:15:14,784 --> 00:15:17,201
Help me bring Bevers up
here, ladies and gentlemen!
386
00:15:17,287 --> 00:15:18,419
Bevers!
387
00:15:18,504 --> 00:15:21,505
(Chanting) Bevers! Bevers!
388
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:22,957
(Whispering) Abbi, I
don't think I can do this.
389
00:15:23,042 --> 00:15:24,759
Yes, you can, you can marry Melody
390
00:15:24,844 --> 00:15:26,878
and you can build a life that is... that is
391
00:15:26,963 --> 00:15:29,180
completely outside of my apartment.
392
00:15:29,215 --> 00:15:30,848
- No!
- Tell her what you told me...
393
00:15:30,884 --> 00:15:33,301
All night long.
394
00:15:33,386 --> 00:15:36,888
(DJ) There he is! There's
the man of the hour!
395
00:15:36,973 --> 00:15:39,223
Do it, you can do this.
396
00:15:39,309 --> 00:15:41,943
(Cheering and clapping)
397
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:45,696
Hi, uh, tonight
398
00:15:45,732 --> 00:15:47,481
is a very special night,
399
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:51,235
because of a very special lady,
400
00:15:51,287 --> 00:15:53,905
Melody, are you here?
401
00:15:53,957 --> 00:15:56,240
Whoo! Okay, great.
402
00:15:56,292 --> 00:15:59,794
Uh, Melody, tonight, we're on a boat...
403
00:15:59,879 --> 00:16:01,078
(Man) Whoo!
404
00:16:01,164 --> 00:16:04,498
On the water, nice facilities,
405
00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:07,501
great crew, beautiful skyline.
406
00:16:10,223 --> 00:16:15,343
Uh, yeah, so Abbi...
407
00:16:15,428 --> 00:16:17,895
is my best man.
408
00:16:17,931 --> 00:16:20,848
Abbi's the man, Abbi's the man.
409
00:16:20,934 --> 00:16:22,016
She's the man.
410
00:16:22,101 --> 00:16:24,852
(Whooping and clapping)
411
00:16:24,938 --> 00:16:28,105
Abbi...
412
00:16:28,191 --> 00:16:30,241
Abbi's transitioning into becoming a man,
413
00:16:30,276 --> 00:16:32,610
- and I'm just so proud of her.
- What?
414
00:16:32,662 --> 00:16:34,829
(Whispering) You talk now, your turn.
415
00:16:34,914 --> 00:16:36,080
(Whooping and clapping)
416
00:16:36,115 --> 00:16:37,865
(DJ) Come on out here and talk to us.
417
00:16:37,951 --> 00:16:39,951
Come on, give it up for Andy!
418
00:16:43,790 --> 00:16:46,257
Thank you, um...
419
00:16:46,292 --> 00:16:47,375
Uh...
420
00:16:50,296 --> 00:16:53,848
Okay, yeah...
421
00:16:53,933 --> 00:16:56,634
It's true.
422
00:16:56,686 --> 00:16:59,103
It's true.
423
00:16:59,138 --> 00:17:02,306
Uh, I'm becoming a man!
424
00:17:02,358 --> 00:17:06,143
I am becoming...
425
00:17:06,195 --> 00:17:07,645
a man!
426
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:13,401
Abbi, I need you to go talk to Melody.
427
00:17:13,486 --> 00:17:16,988
She's in the bathroom again,
but she's not doodying.
428
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,490
She thought I was gonna propose,
429
00:17:19,542 --> 00:17:22,660
and she says I embarrassed
her in front of her whole firm.
430
00:17:22,745 --> 00:17:24,161
Why didn't you propose?
431
00:17:24,213 --> 00:17:25,329
Because of you.
432
00:17:25,381 --> 00:17:26,497
You and Ilana made me realize
433
00:17:26,582 --> 00:17:27,665
that we shouldn't be getting married yet.
434
00:17:27,717 --> 00:17:28,966
We're too young.
435
00:17:29,002 --> 00:17:30,251
So, you told everyone I'm transitioning
436
00:17:30,336 --> 00:17:32,136
into becoming a man.
437
00:17:32,171 --> 00:17:33,721
All the lawyers are now into me.
438
00:17:33,806 --> 00:17:36,474
Oh, you're way too good
for any of these lawyers.
439
00:17:36,509 --> 00:17:38,926
Thanks.
440
00:17:39,012 --> 00:17:40,344
Please, will you help me?
441
00:17:40,430 --> 00:17:43,014
I love Melody so much,
but she won't talk to me.
442
00:17:43,099 --> 00:17:45,016
Can you just go talk girl stuff to her?
443
00:17:47,687 --> 00:17:49,687
Fine.
444
00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:50,855
Don't get too sloppy.
445
00:17:50,907 --> 00:17:53,324
I need you to be on top of your game.
446
00:17:55,361 --> 00:17:57,411
Melody, it's Abbi.
447
00:17:57,497 --> 00:18:00,698
I just wanna say first that I'm not...
448
00:18:00,783 --> 00:18:02,199
I'm not becoming a man.
449
00:18:02,251 --> 00:18:05,536
That was weird and confusing.
450
00:18:05,588 --> 00:18:07,705
But I... I know that you're upset,
451
00:18:07,757 --> 00:18:10,007
um, and it's none of my business,
452
00:18:10,043 --> 00:18:11,959
but I know how much Bevers loves you,
453
00:18:12,045 --> 00:18:14,879
and I know that you... you love him, too,
454
00:18:14,931 --> 00:18:16,597
for some reason, and as much as I hate
455
00:18:16,682 --> 00:18:18,215
that he's always in our apartment,
456
00:18:18,267 --> 00:18:22,219
'cause it's a lot... he's there a lot.
457
00:18:22,305 --> 00:18:24,055
Like, listen, I think we
need to actually schedule
458
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:26,774
a time to talk about that,
like, just the two of us,
459
00:18:26,859 --> 00:18:29,944
'cause he just eats all of my stuff.
460
00:18:30,029 --> 00:18:33,481
He's not my cup of tea, but
he really cares about you.
461
00:18:33,566 --> 00:18:36,150
And I just hope that you know that
462
00:18:36,235 --> 00:18:38,736
even though he didn't propose,
463
00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:41,572
that doesn't make what you
guys have any less special.
464
00:18:41,657 --> 00:18:44,658
It doesn't.
465
00:18:44,744 --> 00:18:48,079
I would love for someone
to love me like that.
466
00:18:48,164 --> 00:18:50,081
I love you like that.
467
00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:52,666
Ilana? What the (Bleep).
468
00:18:52,752 --> 00:18:54,752
Don't be mad, please.
469
00:18:54,837 --> 00:18:56,087
Were you having sex in there?
470
00:18:56,172 --> 00:18:57,421
We were just wiping up.
471
00:18:57,473 --> 00:18:58,556
Where the (Bleep) is Melody?
472
00:19:01,511 --> 00:19:02,560
Hi.
473
00:19:02,595 --> 00:19:04,261
(Ilana) Jaime, I am so sorry.
474
00:19:04,347 --> 00:19:06,814
We almost missed this moment.
475
00:19:06,899 --> 00:19:09,984
Tonight, you know, I ate
for free, I drank for free.
476
00:19:10,069 --> 00:19:11,102
I made out with a very straight man
477
00:19:11,154 --> 00:19:13,938
by the fire extinguisher, too.
478
00:19:14,023 --> 00:19:16,440
This is what America is
really about, I think.
479
00:19:16,526 --> 00:19:20,694
Abbi, thank you so much for
talking to Melody for me.
480
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:22,580
I did not talk to Melody.
481
00:19:22,615 --> 00:19:25,249
I have not seen her at all tonight.
482
00:19:25,284 --> 00:19:26,500
Oh, really?
483
00:19:26,586 --> 00:19:28,752
Well, somebody must've sweet-talked her,
484
00:19:28,788 --> 00:19:31,455
'cause we just boned in a lifeboat.
485
00:19:31,507 --> 00:19:33,707
There was so much jazz.
486
00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:34,925
(Shivering)
487
00:19:34,961 --> 00:19:36,293
There she is.
488
00:19:36,379 --> 00:19:38,429
Oh, she's so beautiful.
489
00:19:38,464 --> 00:19:40,798
(Orchestra playing "America the Beautiful")
490
00:19:43,686 --> 00:19:44,885
(Lincoln) Ow, my dick.
491
00:19:44,971 --> 00:19:46,220
It's too romantic, I'm sorry.
492
00:19:46,305 --> 00:19:47,972
Ah, we just had sex.
493
00:19:48,057 --> 00:19:49,273
It's still sore.
494
00:19:49,308 --> 00:19:51,892
I'm in my refractory period,
you gotta let me rebuild.
495
00:19:51,978 --> 00:19:53,144
Fine, I'll be gentler.
496
00:19:53,196 --> 00:19:56,113
(Orchestra playing "America the Beautiful")
497
00:19:56,149 --> 00:19:57,781
- Ah, romantic again.
- Ilana!
498
00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:01,225
(man on PA) Frederick Chu.
499
00:20:01,293 --> 00:20:02,360
(applause)
500
00:20:02,428 --> 00:20:04,595
Alia Hanoon.
501
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:05,863
(Ilana) Cute. I'm into it.
502
00:20:05,931 --> 00:20:07,298
(Abbi) Oh, my God.
503
00:20:07,366 --> 00:20:08,299
That's disgusting.
504
00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,700
That's disgusting, right?
505
00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:12,302
Oh, Guy Fieri.
506
00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,671
I could roll with that,
he's go a good life.
507
00:20:14,738 --> 00:20:19,642
He's always in that
convertible, gettin' food.
508
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:21,945
Oh, my God, you look so
good with Bieber hair.
509
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,846
You should honestly get that
now, I'm not even kidding.
510
00:20:23,914 --> 00:20:25,148
Ew, no.
511
00:20:25,216 --> 00:20:26,683
I really feel like you fit as these dudes.
512
00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:27,784
I... I'd (bleep) 'em all.
513
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,418
I really appreciate that,
514
00:20:29,486 --> 00:20:33,822
but I think it's more important
for me to be a woman right now.
515
00:20:33,890 --> 00:20:35,057
Lincoln, did you see this?
516
00:20:35,125 --> 00:20:36,825
I'm sorry, I'm too hung over.
517
00:20:36,893 --> 00:20:40,329
My eyes can't focus on
a fixed point right now.
518
00:20:40,397 --> 00:20:42,298
(man on PA) Jaime Castro.
519
00:20:42,365 --> 00:20:44,967
(cheering)
520
00:20:45,034 --> 00:20:46,469
Ow! Ow!
521
00:20:47,270 --> 00:20:51,840
(triumphant fanfare)
522
00:20:55,580 --> 00:21:00,001
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
523
00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:04,601
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