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1
00:00:00,072 --> 00:00:01,188
God, so at first I thought,
2
00:00:01,274 --> 00:00:02,823
do I have, like, a long butt hair?
3
00:00:02,909 --> 00:00:04,275
And then I realized, no.
4
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,527
- It's my head hair.
- Yeah.
5
00:00:06,612 --> 00:00:08,579
- Fall down my back and in my butt crack.
- Yeah! Duh!
6
00:00:08,614 --> 00:00:10,247
- I don't know.
- Okay, we have to go back to the fact
7
00:00:10,283 --> 00:00:14,835
that you are finally going to
vagina-swallow Jeremy tonight.
8
00:00:14,921 --> 00:00:16,420
It's really more of, like, a get-together,
9
00:00:16,456 --> 00:00:18,422
hang out sesh at his apartment.
10
00:00:18,458 --> 00:00:20,040
You know, it's not really
an official date-date.
11
00:00:20,126 --> 00:00:23,427
Yeah, yeah, not official, but yeah.
12
00:00:23,463 --> 00:00:25,012
There's just so much I want
to know about him, like,
13
00:00:25,097 --> 00:00:26,597
I don't know where he went to college,
14
00:00:26,632 --> 00:00:27,848
how many sisters he has.
15
00:00:27,934 --> 00:00:29,216
Oh, he definitely has sisters.
16
00:00:29,302 --> 00:00:31,218
He also definitely doesn't wear underwear.
17
00:00:31,304 --> 00:00:34,054
He's got his junk rolling around
in there all smelly and stuff.
18
00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:35,473
I just want to take it slow, you know?
19
00:00:35,525 --> 00:00:37,641
I really feel like this
can, like, be something.
20
00:00:38,861 --> 00:00:39,860
(Sighing)
21
00:00:39,946 --> 00:00:40,978
Of course she isn't here.
22
00:00:41,063 --> 00:00:42,446
I knew we didn't have to rush.
23
00:00:42,482 --> 00:00:44,398
This bitch is always late.
24
00:00:44,484 --> 00:00:45,783
Oh, here she is.
25
00:00:45,818 --> 00:00:47,535
I can't believe you beat me here!
26
00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:49,303
This bitch is always late.
27
00:00:49,518 --> 00:00:51,118
- Hi, mom.
- Hi, honey.
28
00:00:51,203 --> 00:00:54,455
- Oh, I missed you.
- Abbi, come here.
29
00:00:54,507 --> 00:00:56,090
Ready to get your nails did, girls?
30
00:00:56,125 --> 00:00:57,374
Yes.
31
00:00:57,460 --> 00:00:59,627
Yelp said somebody got staph
infection in this place.
32
00:00:59,712 --> 00:01:01,128
It's so cheap now.
33
00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:02,630
Staph is not the real bad one, right?
34
00:01:02,682 --> 00:01:03,797
Yeah, it is.
35
00:01:03,849 --> 00:01:06,266
♪ Four and three and two and one ♪
36
00:01:06,302 --> 00:01:08,135
♪ ♪
37
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,300
- synced by lollipop0520 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
38
00:01:11,173 --> 00:01:12,255
Pick a color.
39
00:01:12,341 --> 00:01:13,840
Oh, I'm just gonna use one of theirs.
40
00:01:13,876 --> 00:01:16,009
Well, how are you gonna do
touch-ups during the week?
41
00:01:16,045 --> 00:01:19,012
Mom, she's a high-class wasp-y Jew.
42
00:01:19,048 --> 00:01:23,383
A Philadelphia queen
from down the main line,
43
00:01:23,469 --> 00:01:25,385
king of Prussia mall!
44
00:01:29,308 --> 00:01:32,059
(Bottles slapping in unison)
45
00:01:33,562 --> 00:01:36,646
Oh, Bobbi, I just wanted
to say that I'm really sorry
46
00:01:36,732 --> 00:01:38,532
about Grandma Esther passing away.
47
00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:40,117
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
48
00:01:40,202 --> 00:01:41,701
But don't cry for Grandma Esther.
49
00:01:41,737 --> 00:01:44,204
That woman lived 92 full years.
50
00:01:44,239 --> 00:01:46,573
She played for the Rockford Peaches.
51
00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:48,241
She sang at the Cotton Club.
52
00:01:48,327 --> 00:01:50,744
- And she fucked Little Richard!
- Oh, I forgot about that.
53
00:01:50,829 --> 00:01:52,629
Wait, I thought Little Richard was gay.
54
00:01:52,714 --> 00:01:54,498
- Bisexual alien.
- No, bisexual alien.
55
00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:55,966
Besides, you know what?
56
00:01:56,051 --> 00:01:57,634
Gets me a chance to go to Canal
Street and pick up some handbags
57
00:01:57,719 --> 00:01:59,002
for the girls back on Long Island.
58
00:01:59,088 --> 00:02:01,838
Mom, I thought we were
done with the bag obsession.
59
00:02:01,924 --> 00:02:04,391
Excuse me, Ilana, my mother just died.
60
00:02:04,426 --> 00:02:07,727
I was done, but now I'm
dipping my toe back in.
61
00:02:07,763 --> 00:02:08,929
Speaking of which, sweetheart,
62
00:02:08,981 --> 00:02:10,814
you're gonna need a much stronger scissor
63
00:02:10,899 --> 00:02:13,100
for that big toe, okay? Thank you.
64
00:02:13,152 --> 00:02:15,435
♪ ♪
65
00:02:17,272 --> 00:02:18,438
Abbi, sweetheart,
66
00:02:18,490 --> 00:02:19,856
let me know if you want me to get you a bag
67
00:02:19,942 --> 00:02:21,491
when I go to Chinatown later, okay?
68
00:02:21,577 --> 00:02:23,160
I love bags.
69
00:02:23,245 --> 00:02:25,028
You guys enjoy the day together.
70
00:02:25,174 --> 00:02:27,307
I'm actually late for my
non-date hangout, you know.
71
00:02:27,342 --> 00:02:29,893
Don't forget to wear a condom, Abbi.
72
00:02:29,978 --> 00:02:31,761
Ilana, I...
73
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,122
one time, I don't wear a condom
74
00:02:33,123 --> 00:02:34,015
- and you tell your...
- No!
75
00:02:34,016 --> 00:02:35,398
That's just how she says goodbye to people.
76
00:02:35,484 --> 00:02:36,483
Yeah, I care.
77
00:02:36,518 --> 00:02:37,651
Okay.
78
00:02:37,686 --> 00:02:38,818
All right, well, have fun.
79
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:41,154
Ugh, will you look at that gorgeous tush?
80
00:02:41,190 --> 00:02:42,689
Oh, my God, it's perfection.
81
00:02:42,774 --> 00:02:44,691
- Talking about my butt?
- (Both) Yes.
82
00:02:46,361 --> 00:02:47,527
- Ha ha ha!
- Woo!
83
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:56,036
Jay-Z and Beyoncé,
they're in the illuminati.
84
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:57,170
Yeah, yes.
85
00:02:57,206 --> 00:02:58,672
And what about Blue Ivy?
86
00:02:58,707 --> 00:03:01,458
She will become all of
their grandmaster supreme.
87
00:03:01,543 --> 00:03:03,043
Wow, lucky kid.
88
00:03:03,128 --> 00:03:04,427
- Bags, bags, bags, bags.
- Here we go.
89
00:03:04,513 --> 00:03:05,512
Bags, bags, bags.
90
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:08,798
Buying counterfeit bags is illegal.
91
00:03:11,019 --> 00:03:12,302
Five dollar, five dollar.
92
00:03:12,503 --> 00:03:14,070
_
93
00:03:14,071 --> 00:03:17,296
_
94
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:21,063
_
95
00:03:21,064 --> 00:03:23,535
_
96
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:26,301
_
97
00:03:29,454 --> 00:03:30,954
Okay, follow me.
98
00:03:31,039 --> 00:03:32,906
What the fuck am I talking Chinese for?
99
00:03:32,991 --> 00:03:34,708
Bags, bags.
100
00:03:34,743 --> 00:03:36,960
(Bobbi) I think that Blue Ivy
must look more like Jay than Bey.
101
00:03:37,045 --> 00:03:38,628
Otherwise, we'd be seeing more pictures.
102
00:03:38,714 --> 00:03:40,580
Mom, ma, Jay is so handsome!
103
00:03:40,666 --> 00:03:41,998
- Hurry! Hurry!
- Nah, too much lips.
104
00:03:42,084 --> 00:03:44,000
His lips are his hottest feature!
105
00:03:44,086 --> 00:03:45,001
Not for me.
106
00:03:46,255 --> 00:03:47,921
Hurry, hurry!
107
00:03:47,973 --> 00:03:48,888
Fast, fast!
108
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,223
No, no, no, no, no, no.
109
00:03:50,259 --> 00:03:52,225
We bring our own blindfolds, no.
110
00:03:52,261 --> 00:03:53,226
Thank you.
111
00:03:53,262 --> 00:03:54,844
Remember that time I got pink eye?
112
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:56,062
That was so horrible.
113
00:03:56,098 --> 00:03:57,514
I know, that was gross.
114
00:04:00,102 --> 00:04:02,402
(Tires screeching, engine revving)
115
00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:07,741
I can't believe that you
live across the hall from me.
116
00:04:07,776 --> 00:04:10,944
Like, this apartment is so insane.
117
00:04:11,029 --> 00:04:13,997
Thanks, I knocked down all the walls.
118
00:04:14,082 --> 00:04:15,081
Hate walls.
119
00:04:15,117 --> 00:04:16,499
These postcards are so cool.
120
00:04:16,585 --> 00:04:19,119
They kind of remind me a
little bit of your drawing.
121
00:04:19,204 --> 00:04:20,453
Oh, thank you.
122
00:04:20,539 --> 00:04:22,455
I collected them on the
last road trip I took
123
00:04:22,507 --> 00:04:24,374
with my terminal dog... miss you, Betsy.
124
00:04:24,459 --> 00:04:27,177
Wow, that's so sweet, I'm sorry.
125
00:04:27,262 --> 00:04:31,598
You know, I've been surrounded
by a lot of death lately, too.
126
00:04:31,633 --> 00:04:36,686
And sometimes death really
makes me think about...
127
00:04:36,772 --> 00:04:38,638
Life.
128
00:04:38,724 --> 00:04:40,140
I totally agree.
129
00:04:40,225 --> 00:04:42,142
To life.
130
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:44,894
And to remember,
131
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:46,396
and, and to being.
132
00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:48,732
And... and... and...
133
00:04:48,817 --> 00:04:50,233
that's it.
134
00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,406
You're really eloquent about death.
135
00:04:56,491 --> 00:04:58,825
Well, my favorite TV
show is "Six Feet Under,"
136
00:04:58,910 --> 00:05:00,410
so that's probably why.
137
00:05:00,495 --> 00:05:01,461
I haven't seen it.
138
00:05:01,496 --> 00:05:04,497
You haven't seen "Six Feet Under"?!
139
00:05:04,583 --> 00:05:06,666
Oh, God.
140
00:05:06,752 --> 00:05:08,084
You're so lucky.
141
00:05:08,170 --> 00:05:10,003
You know, I have the box
set if you want to borrow it.
142
00:05:10,055 --> 00:05:11,421
Maybe we could watch it together sometime.
143
00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:13,139
(Enthusiastically) Yeah!
144
00:05:13,175 --> 00:05:15,308
I mean, yeah.
145
00:05:15,344 --> 00:05:17,344
If you... if you want to.
146
00:05:19,431 --> 00:05:22,732
I definitely do.
147
00:05:22,818 --> 00:05:24,567
Oh... that would be great.
148
00:05:24,653 --> 00:05:25,985
You got a little, um...
149
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:27,654
I got you, come here.
150
00:05:27,689 --> 00:05:29,189
Okay, thanks.
151
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,531
Oh, my God.
152
00:05:38,583 --> 00:05:42,369
I'm kissing Jeremy.
153
00:05:42,454 --> 00:05:44,871
Oh, my God, I'm kissing Abbi.
154
00:05:48,427 --> 00:05:51,177
(Arguing in Chinese)
155
00:05:51,213 --> 00:05:53,513
Ilana, I don't want you
to eat Sushi anymore, okay?
156
00:05:53,548 --> 00:05:54,714
- What?
- Fukushima!
157
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,216
The radiation levels are off the charts.
158
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:57,717
Oh, give me a break.
159
00:05:57,803 --> 00:05:59,219
It's all over the Internet,
I'm not making this shit up!
160
00:05:59,271 --> 00:06:00,970
You wanna talk nasty seafood?
161
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:02,188
I read a thing on "BuzzFeed"
162
00:06:02,224 --> 00:06:04,057
that said there's microscopic shrimp
163
00:06:04,109 --> 00:06:06,309
in all of New York City drinking water.
164
00:06:06,395 --> 00:06:07,394
What?
165
00:06:07,479 --> 00:06:08,978
- Copepods, they're called.
- No!
166
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,029
Yeah, Google it.
167
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,865
We have shrimp inside of us at all times,
168
00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:13,566
which I'm okay with, sounds delicious.
169
00:06:13,652 --> 00:06:14,818
But it's like, ask me first?
170
00:06:17,656 --> 00:06:19,072
(Tires screeching)
171
00:06:22,994 --> 00:06:24,494
(Speaking Chinese)
172
00:06:26,798 --> 00:06:28,214
Now we're cooking with gas.
173
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:31,334
All the good (Bleep) is
always down a manhole.
174
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,923
How have we not done this sooner?
175
00:06:36,975 --> 00:06:38,007
I have no idea.
176
00:06:41,596 --> 00:06:43,430
Do you want to maybe switch?
177
00:06:43,482 --> 00:06:45,348
Mix it up a little bit?
178
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:46,566
You sure?
179
00:06:46,601 --> 00:06:47,684
Yeah, why not, right?
180
00:06:47,769 --> 00:06:49,269
Oh, awesome.
181
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:57,074
-= www.OpenSubtitles.org =-
182
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,280
(Whispering) It's a shinjo.
183
00:07:04,953 --> 00:07:07,120
Right in the butt.
184
00:07:08,457 --> 00:07:09,456
Uh...
185
00:07:09,508 --> 00:07:10,790
Oh, my God!
186
00:07:10,842 --> 00:07:12,258
Oh, you just meant switch positions?
187
00:07:12,294 --> 00:07:13,676
Yeah, but it's fine.
188
00:07:13,702 --> 00:07:15,285
I... I thought you were
suggesting that we switch.
189
00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:16,536
Yeah, it just caught me off guard,
190
00:07:16,571 --> 00:07:19,038
so I'm just getting, you know, the feel.
191
00:07:19,074 --> 00:07:21,074
I'm so sorry.
192
00:07:21,159 --> 00:07:22,075
No, I... please.
193
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,493
No, you know what? Just forget it.
194
00:07:23,578 --> 00:07:26,079
I just need a minute. Just one minute.
195
00:07:26,131 --> 00:07:27,914
It's okay.
196
00:07:29,584 --> 00:07:30,717
Stupid.
197
00:07:38,226 --> 00:07:41,094
Rachel Ackerman, Rachel
Alterman, Aunt cherry.
198
00:07:41,146 --> 00:07:44,597
Rabbi Stein, Rachel Lieberman.
199
00:07:44,683 --> 00:07:46,900
(Phone vibrating) Joanne from the salon.
200
00:07:46,935 --> 00:07:48,234
Cut or uncut?
201
00:07:48,270 --> 00:07:49,185
Cut.
202
00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:50,987
Ooh, elegant. And girth?
203
00:07:51,072 --> 00:07:52,822
Listen, dude, I'm freaking
the (Bleep) out right now.
204
00:07:52,908 --> 00:07:53,940
So we were doing it,
205
00:07:53,992 --> 00:07:55,742
and I was like, "we
should switch positions,"
206
00:07:55,777 --> 00:07:58,361
and then he throws me a strap-on.
207
00:08:00,782 --> 00:08:02,282
Hold, please.
208
00:08:02,334 --> 00:08:04,784
- Hello?
- I get one, too.
209
00:08:04,836 --> 00:08:08,288
And I think the rest are
just gonna be extras, so yeah.
210
00:08:14,179 --> 00:08:16,012
Ilana, control yourself.
211
00:08:16,097 --> 00:08:17,597
Excuse me, I'm on the phone.
212
00:08:17,632 --> 00:08:19,098
Jesus, Ilana.
213
00:08:20,268 --> 00:08:22,268
This is a dream come true.
214
00:08:22,304 --> 00:08:24,304
Thank you for sharing this with me.
215
00:08:24,356 --> 00:08:26,022
Dude, I'm calling for advice.
216
00:08:26,107 --> 00:08:27,640
Oh. Sorry.
217
00:08:27,692 --> 00:08:29,476
Okay, so start by lubing
up the head and work...
218
00:08:29,561 --> 00:08:31,311
No... I'm not even sure I'm gonna do it.
219
00:08:31,363 --> 00:08:33,613
What is not to know? This
is once in a lifetime!
220
00:08:33,648 --> 00:08:35,148
It's going too fast.
221
00:08:35,233 --> 00:08:38,067
Ab, all throughout college,
I slept with a strap-on on,
222
00:08:38,153 --> 00:08:40,203
just in case the opportunity came along
223
00:08:40,288 --> 00:08:42,822
that you have handed to you
on a silver (Bleep) platter!
224
00:08:42,908 --> 00:08:44,958
I don't know, I just envisioned
being with Jeremy in, like,
225
00:08:44,993 --> 00:08:46,960
a lot of different ways, but not...
226
00:08:46,995 --> 00:08:49,078
not this way.
227
00:08:49,164 --> 00:08:52,999
We are going to my
grandmother's Shiva, okay?
228
00:08:53,084 --> 00:08:54,384
The reason I'm, like, sitting and crying
229
00:08:54,469 --> 00:08:59,005
is because that badass bitch did
everything she ever wanted to.
230
00:08:59,057 --> 00:09:00,340
You want to go to the grave
231
00:09:00,425 --> 00:09:04,010
dreaming of Jeremy's hairy,
adorable little butthole?
232
00:09:04,062 --> 00:09:05,895
Or do you want to die knowing
that you brought him pleasure
233
00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:08,314
by plowing it like a queen?
234
00:09:08,350 --> 00:09:10,183
I just don't know, Ilana.
235
00:09:10,268 --> 00:09:12,185
Bitch, you know.
236
00:09:12,237 --> 00:09:14,437
You wouldn't have called me if you didn't.
237
00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:15,355
(Sighing)
238
00:09:19,578 --> 00:09:21,945
Turn around.
239
00:09:21,889 --> 00:09:22,409
Ab?
240
00:09:23,912 --> 00:09:25,579
Ab?
241
00:09:25,614 --> 00:09:27,030
(Normal voice) Ab.
242
00:09:27,116 --> 00:09:28,031
(Shouting) Ab!
243
00:09:28,117 --> 00:09:29,916
Ahh, Jeremy.
244
00:09:29,952 --> 00:09:30,951
(Whispering) Sorry to wake you.
245
00:09:31,036 --> 00:09:32,419
Oh...
246
00:09:32,454 --> 00:09:34,287
I volunteered to teach
some underprivileged kids
247
00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:36,456
how to do some woodworking today.
248
00:09:36,508 --> 00:09:37,791
I'm running a little bit late.
249
00:09:37,876 --> 00:09:39,509
Wow, that's beautiful.
250
00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:42,095
Listen, stay as long as you want.
251
00:09:43,966 --> 00:09:44,965
Have a great day.
252
00:09:45,050 --> 00:09:45,966
Whoa.
253
00:09:46,051 --> 00:09:47,467
I mean, till tonight.
254
00:09:52,391 --> 00:09:53,440
(Door closes)
255
00:09:55,060 --> 00:09:56,109
(Woman singing) ♪ what we do ♪
256
00:09:56,145 --> 00:09:58,228
♪ we wash our hair when we want to ♪
257
00:09:58,313 --> 00:10:00,480
♪ we run the streets
in the right shoes ♪
258
00:10:00,532 --> 00:10:02,649
♪ we killer game like we can't lose ♪
259
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:04,735
♪ staying out as late as we want to ♪
260
00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:08,321
♪ I'm ♪
261
00:10:08,373 --> 00:10:11,541
- ♪ all yours ♪
- (Sighing happily)
262
00:10:11,627 --> 00:10:12,459
(Beeping)
263
00:10:13,996 --> 00:10:15,328
(Bleep)
264
00:10:16,632 --> 00:10:18,215
She had, like, a tight physique.
265
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,583
She was awesome.
266
00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:21,668
Well-rounded human being.
267
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,804
It's so nice to see you guys.
268
00:10:23,839 --> 00:10:26,056
Oh, I love you so much.
269
00:10:26,141 --> 00:10:27,474
We love you, too.
270
00:10:27,509 --> 00:10:28,892
We love you, too, dad.
271
00:10:28,977 --> 00:10:30,944
My dad didn't love me half
as much as I love you guys.
272
00:10:31,013 --> 00:10:32,095
- Okay.
- We know.
273
00:10:32,181 --> 00:10:35,065
Oh, your mom is so
broken up over this loss.
274
00:10:35,150 --> 00:10:36,233
Poor mommy.
275
00:10:36,318 --> 00:10:38,602
And the toll into the city? 13 bucks.
276
00:10:38,687 --> 00:10:41,071
Now, you know that's going
right into Bloomberg's pocket.
277
00:10:41,156 --> 00:10:42,606
Bloomberg isn't mayor anymore.
278
00:10:42,691 --> 00:10:45,192
That's what he wants you to think!
279
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:57,954
(Crashing)
280
00:11:00,209 --> 00:11:03,710
Once again, these nipple
clamps are not tight enough.
281
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:05,128
They keep popping off.
282
00:11:05,214 --> 00:11:06,296
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am.
283
00:11:06,381 --> 00:11:09,382
That's as tight as they get.
284
00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:10,884
Have a nice day.
285
00:11:12,604 --> 00:11:13,970
- Hi.
- Hi.
286
00:11:14,056 --> 00:11:18,608
Sir, so I have a... I...
this morning, I was...
287
00:11:18,694 --> 00:11:21,611
You tried to wash a dildo in a dishwasher?
288
00:11:21,697 --> 00:11:22,979
I did indeed.
289
00:11:23,065 --> 00:11:24,531
Well, I don't think you're
here for a staring contest.
290
00:11:24,566 --> 00:11:25,949
- Can I see it?
- Okay.
291
00:11:26,034 --> 00:11:27,734
Thank you.
292
00:11:27,786 --> 00:11:30,403
Mm-hmm, parabolic tearing.
293
00:11:30,489 --> 00:11:32,489
Low curvature.
294
00:11:32,574 --> 00:11:34,574
All right, let's get to work.
295
00:11:34,626 --> 00:11:37,077
- ♪
♪ - (No voices)
296
00:11:43,085 --> 00:11:43,967
That's it.
297
00:11:44,052 --> 00:11:45,085
Yeah.
298
00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,003
Okay, that'll be $79.
299
00:11:47,089 --> 00:11:48,755
That's a lot.
300
00:11:48,807 --> 00:11:51,241
- All right.
- (Phone alert)
301
00:11:51,242 --> 00:11:51,720
- _
- You know, Shelly Winters
302
00:11:51,727 --> 00:11:53,560
- _
- purchased one of these once.
303
00:11:53,595 --> 00:11:56,429
- God damn it, the Shiva!
- Language!
304
00:11:56,481 --> 00:12:00,684
(Elliott singing) ♪ and
he will raise you up ♪
305
00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:03,186
♪ on eagle's wings ♪
306
00:12:03,272 --> 00:12:05,438
Isn't that a Christian song?
307
00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:07,440
(Doorbell ringing)
308
00:12:07,492 --> 00:12:08,692
Hello?
309
00:12:08,777 --> 00:12:10,277
Abbi, oh, it's so good to see you.
310
00:12:10,362 --> 00:12:12,696
- (Farting) Whoops.
- Oh!
311
00:12:12,781 --> 00:12:14,781
- Oh, that'll be our little secret, okay?
- Yeah.
312
00:12:14,833 --> 00:12:16,449
Let me take your bag.
313
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:18,034
You know what? I can hang onto it.
314
00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,539
Why not. Oh, girl power.
315
00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:21,541
Ilana, honey, look who's here.
316
00:12:24,713 --> 00:12:26,797
Simply yes or no.
317
00:12:26,882 --> 00:12:29,883
Did you or did you not...
318
00:12:29,935 --> 00:12:31,551
(Exhaling sharply) Peg?
319
00:12:32,971 --> 00:12:35,222
(Elliott continues singing)
320
00:12:38,143 --> 00:12:39,442
Ilana...
321
00:12:39,528 --> 00:12:44,564
This is the happiest day of my...
322
00:12:44,616 --> 00:12:46,950
(screaming) life!
323
00:12:47,035 --> 00:12:49,152
(Stops singing) Ohhhh!
324
00:12:49,238 --> 00:12:50,821
- I think she's upset.
- Hoo!
325
00:12:50,906 --> 00:12:52,155
You know it's your grandmother's Shiva?
326
00:12:52,241 --> 00:12:53,790
Whoo, you a pegga!
327
00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:54,825
Okay.
328
00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:56,076
Pega-Seuss!
329
00:12:56,128 --> 00:12:57,410
- Maybe we can talk about it...
- That's you.
330
00:12:57,496 --> 00:12:58,879
Let's talk about it at my house, later.
331
00:12:58,914 --> 00:13:01,047
- Abbi!
- Hi.
332
00:13:01,083 --> 00:13:03,250
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart, thanks for coming.
333
00:13:03,302 --> 00:13:04,301
Look at you.
334
00:13:04,386 --> 00:13:05,969
She's glowing, Ilana, look at her.
335
00:13:06,054 --> 00:13:07,470
Oh, my God.
336
00:13:07,556 --> 00:13:09,256
- Ooh, this is a nice bag.
- Thank you so much.
337
00:13:09,341 --> 00:13:11,007
- Italian leather?
- Yeah, I think so.
338
00:13:11,093 --> 00:13:12,592
- Yeah, how's the lining?
- Oh, it's a great lining.
339
00:13:12,678 --> 00:13:14,928
Let me see... I'll be the judge of that.
340
00:13:14,980 --> 00:13:16,096
No, trust me. Trust me.
341
00:13:16,181 --> 00:13:18,231
Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead!
342
00:13:18,267 --> 00:13:19,900
Now let me look at this lining!
343
00:13:19,935 --> 00:13:20,817
Abbi, give it to her.
344
00:13:20,903 --> 00:13:22,686
Ooh, waterproof, love that.
345
00:13:22,771 --> 00:13:23,937
Uh-huh.
346
00:13:24,022 --> 00:13:25,989
Nice backstitch.
347
00:13:26,074 --> 00:13:28,775
You really are a high-class
jewess, let me tell ya.
348
00:13:28,861 --> 00:13:30,193
I told you.
349
00:13:30,279 --> 00:13:33,780
Beautiful, beautiful. Where'd you get this?
350
00:13:33,966 --> 00:13:36,466
Um, you know, it's... um...
351
00:13:36,552 --> 00:13:39,636
You know, that is a... ahem.
352
00:13:39,688 --> 00:13:41,271
Do I need to keep going?
353
00:13:41,306 --> 00:13:42,556
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
354
00:13:42,641 --> 00:13:43,974
No, no, hold on. Peg?
355
00:13:44,026 --> 00:13:45,142
What's peg?
356
00:13:45,194 --> 00:13:47,944
Pegging is when a woman with a strap-on,
357
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:50,147
with a dildo, penetrates a man.
358
00:13:50,232 --> 00:13:53,366
Oh, but wouldn't that be
more like a gay thing, Elliot?
359
00:13:53,452 --> 00:13:56,036
No, I mean, how would I put
a dildo on top of my dick?
360
00:13:56,121 --> 00:13:57,404
That's true.
361
00:13:57,489 --> 00:14:00,707
Straight men and gay men alike
both enjoy prostate stimulation.
362
00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:02,626
And it's very popular with married couples.
363
00:14:02,661 --> 00:14:03,794
- Oh.
- Is it?
364
00:14:03,829 --> 00:14:04,828
Probably.
365
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:05,962
(Bobbi) We were at the Millers' once.
366
00:14:05,998 --> 00:14:07,714
It turned out it was a swingers party.
367
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:08,965
- No!
- Oh, wow.
368
00:14:09,001 --> 00:14:10,667
Yeah, but we didn't have
sex with anybody, just...
369
00:14:10,753 --> 00:14:12,552
you know, but we stayed
'cause the food was incredible.
370
00:14:12,638 --> 00:14:14,971
Yes, and we also stayed
because the owner's child
371
00:14:15,007 --> 00:14:17,224
had died of an overdose and
we wanted to be supportive.
372
00:14:17,309 --> 00:14:18,892
Out of support.
373
00:14:18,977 --> 00:14:20,560
But Abbi, good for you
for trying something new,
374
00:14:20,646 --> 00:14:21,895
that is terrific.
375
00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:24,181
I can't really believe
that we're talking about it,
376
00:14:24,233 --> 00:14:27,017
because, you know, Ilana was
telling me about grandma Esther
377
00:14:27,069 --> 00:14:29,519
and how she... she lived with no regrets.
378
00:14:29,605 --> 00:14:32,689
And it made me think, we all
need to live more like that,
379
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:34,658
you know, like, I kind of feel like I...
380
00:14:34,693 --> 00:14:35,659
Yeah, I pegged.
381
00:14:35,694 --> 00:14:37,194
Yeah, I pegged,
382
00:14:37,246 --> 00:14:40,080
but I kind of did it for
Grandma Esther, you know?
383
00:14:40,165 --> 00:14:41,865
In a way.
384
00:14:41,950 --> 00:14:43,533
(Sobbing) Oh, it's okay.
385
00:14:43,619 --> 00:14:45,368
Oh, it's all right.
386
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,670
Mom, feel something!
387
00:14:46,705 --> 00:14:49,206
I'm feeling the inside of this bag, okay?
388
00:14:52,127 --> 00:14:54,928
I promise I will never, ever
tell anybody about your fart.
389
00:14:55,013 --> 00:14:55,962
I love you.
390
00:14:56,048 --> 00:14:57,964
Elliot, come on, we gotta get out of here.
391
00:14:58,050 --> 00:14:59,516
- (Phone alert)
- Gotta get the car.
392
00:14:59,551 --> 00:15:01,051
- _
- (Dad) Don't dawdle.
393
00:15:01,136 --> 00:15:02,135
- _
- Say hi to the dog.
394
00:15:02,221 --> 00:15:04,437
I got somewhere, I, um, need to be.
395
00:15:04,523 --> 00:15:06,056
All right, don't forget to wear a condom.
396
00:15:06,108 --> 00:15:08,558
Or not... I don't know what's
appropriate in this situation.
397
00:15:08,644 --> 00:15:09,693
I don't know, either.
398
00:15:09,728 --> 00:15:11,611
Listen to me: Get that ass.
399
00:15:11,697 --> 00:15:14,396
- Maybe I will.
- Bye, Ab.
400
00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:15,814
All I am calling it.
401
00:15:15,899 --> 00:15:17,199
(Phone vibrating inside suitcase)
402
00:15:17,234 --> 00:15:20,068
God damn it, I must've left
it in one of the friggin' bags.
403
00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,169
Why would you do that?
404
00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:23,171
All right, let's open this up.
405
00:15:23,257 --> 00:15:24,089
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
406
00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,173
Don't put 'em on the filthy floor!
407
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,475
Where's the pashmina?
408
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:28,844
Get the pashmina out.
409
00:15:28,896 --> 00:15:30,846
- I put this pashmina around my neck!
- It doesn't matter.
410
00:15:30,898 --> 00:15:34,099
- Bags, bags, bags. Lots of bags!
- Bags, bags, bags!
411
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,184
One bag, two bag, three bag, four.
412
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,519
Bags, bags, bags.
413
00:15:37,571 --> 00:15:39,354
Five bags, six bags, seven bags, more.
414
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,822
(Both) Jesus Christ.
415
00:15:43,364 --> 00:15:44,797
(Both women shouting)
416
00:15:44,882 --> 00:15:46,131
Clearly, I'm gonna be
late to pick up my spread
417
00:15:46,217 --> 00:15:47,683
from Zabar's for Shiva tomorrow!
418
00:15:47,768 --> 00:15:49,051
I think the real crooks down on
Wall Street should be arrested!
419
00:15:49,136 --> 00:15:50,469
Reverse Robin Hoods who take from the poor
420
00:15:50,554 --> 00:15:51,770
and give to their rich friends...
421
00:15:51,806 --> 00:15:53,105
I guess I'm gonna use
my call to call Zabar's,
422
00:15:53,140 --> 00:15:54,306
'cause if you don't pick your order up...
423
00:15:54,392 --> 00:15:55,607
You get on their (Bleep) list...
424
00:15:55,643 --> 00:15:59,427
Ivy League grad/Harvard...
425
00:15:59,513 --> 00:16:01,095
You can bet your ass
I'm gonna sue the NYPD!
426
00:16:01,181 --> 00:16:02,847
... and little boy prostitutes!
427
00:16:02,933 --> 00:16:05,683
Guess we're being let off easy
'cause we're extremely white.
428
00:16:05,769 --> 00:16:07,986
Yeah, that's the prison
industrial complex for you.
429
00:16:08,021 --> 00:16:09,521
Wanna get back in the car?
430
00:16:09,573 --> 00:16:12,023
We just want to make
sure our voices are heard.
431
00:16:12,108 --> 00:16:13,274
They were... you're very loud.
432
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:14,359
Yeah, thank you.
433
00:16:14,444 --> 00:16:15,944
Now we'll just take our handbags and go.
434
00:16:16,029 --> 00:16:17,328
We can't give you the bags.
435
00:16:17,364 --> 00:16:19,247
They're evidence in an ongoing
counterfeit investigation.
436
00:16:19,332 --> 00:16:21,165
- Enjoy your new handbags!
- "Ongoing".
437
00:16:21,201 --> 00:16:22,200
Yeah!
438
00:16:23,453 --> 00:16:26,120
Hello, Zabar's? It's Bobbi Wexler.
439
00:16:26,206 --> 00:16:27,789
Don't you yell at me!
440
00:16:34,798 --> 00:16:35,797
(Whispering) Wait.
441
00:16:35,882 --> 00:16:38,299
Hold on, I'll be right back.
442
00:16:49,896 --> 00:16:51,896
Wait, what is that?
443
00:16:51,948 --> 00:16:53,648
It... it's a dildo.
444
00:16:55,735 --> 00:16:58,570
Um... it's not my dildo.
445
00:16:58,622 --> 00:17:00,655
Okay, so it's stupid.
446
00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,240
When you left yesterday,
447
00:17:02,292 --> 00:17:05,326
I put yours in the dishwasher
and it... it melted it.
448
00:17:05,412 --> 00:17:06,828
So I was like, I gotta get you a new one
449
00:17:06,913 --> 00:17:09,547
'cause I ruined your thing
and I went to the sex store,
450
00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,466
and I got one that looks just like yours,
451
00:17:11,551 --> 00:17:13,084
except this one's brand new.
452
00:17:13,169 --> 00:17:16,588
I really appreciate you doing that, I do,
453
00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:20,391
but mine was a shinjo.
454
00:17:20,427 --> 00:17:23,227
And that's, like, a cheap knockoff.
455
00:17:23,263 --> 00:17:27,265
$79, I feel it could get the job done.
456
00:17:27,317 --> 00:17:31,736
Um, it's just that a shinjo
is custom-made for my body,
457
00:17:31,771 --> 00:17:34,772
and it's made out of
all-natural materials...
458
00:17:34,858 --> 00:17:36,441
Totally, totally. I know that you love
459
00:17:36,493 --> 00:17:37,859
to be, like, particular about your stuff,
460
00:17:37,944 --> 00:17:39,494
- I was just, like, gonna go...
- Wait, wait.
461
00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:40,778
What does that mean?
462
00:17:40,864 --> 00:17:42,497
No, it's just, like, your whole thing.
463
00:17:42,582 --> 00:17:45,249
You like your stuff to
be specialty and curated.
464
00:17:45,285 --> 00:17:46,117
I get it.
465
00:17:46,169 --> 00:17:48,786
Like what?
466
00:17:48,872 --> 00:17:51,289
Like, the cider beer, the cardamom?
467
00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,257
You have a kimono area.
468
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:54,626
I mean, look at this apartment.
469
00:17:54,711 --> 00:17:56,628
Jeremy, I feel like we're in a magazine.
470
00:17:56,713 --> 00:17:57,845
In a good way.
471
00:17:57,931 --> 00:17:59,213
It's what I like about you.
472
00:17:59,299 --> 00:18:00,465
I guess I just didn't
realize you were judging me
473
00:18:00,550 --> 00:18:01,766
based on my stuff.
474
00:18:01,801 --> 00:18:03,217
I'm not judging you,
475
00:18:03,303 --> 00:18:05,520
I mean, I pegged you last
night without any judgment.
476
00:18:05,605 --> 00:18:06,854
Why would you judge that?
477
00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:08,139
I didn't.
478
00:18:08,191 --> 00:18:09,273
And I did it on the first night.
479
00:18:09,309 --> 00:18:10,525
I'm cool.
480
00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:12,560
Abbi, bragging about not judging something
481
00:18:12,646 --> 00:18:14,395
just means that you
think it should be judged.
482
00:18:14,481 --> 00:18:16,481
No, I don't... I'm not...
483
00:18:16,566 --> 00:18:19,951
bragging about not judging or judging.
484
00:18:19,986 --> 00:18:21,619
I'm not bragging or judging.
485
00:18:21,655 --> 00:18:22,654
This is silly.
486
00:18:22,706 --> 00:18:23,821
I had fun last night.
487
00:18:23,873 --> 00:18:25,156
I liked it.
488
00:18:25,241 --> 00:18:27,659
Can we just begin this again?
489
00:18:27,711 --> 00:18:29,994
And do it again with that cheap knockoff?
490
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,212
I'll probably get a rash.
491
00:18:31,297 --> 00:18:32,997
79 bucks!
492
00:18:33,049 --> 00:18:35,383
Did you seriously think that
you were just gonna stick that
493
00:18:35,468 --> 00:18:39,170
inside of me and I wouldn't
feel the difference?
494
00:18:39,222 --> 00:18:40,171
Yeah.
495
00:18:40,223 --> 00:18:44,258
(Sighing) Now you're just being childish.
496
00:18:44,344 --> 00:18:45,727
I'm being childish?
497
00:18:45,812 --> 00:18:47,061
Yes.
498
00:18:47,147 --> 00:18:50,348
I (Bleep) you in the ass
499
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,601
the first night that we did anything, okay?
500
00:18:53,687 --> 00:18:56,354
I think that's pretty (Bleep) mature.
501
00:18:56,406 --> 00:18:58,606
Plus, you're throwing,
like, a temper tantrum
502
00:18:58,692 --> 00:19:02,276
'cause you don't have your
specialty leather-blown dildo
503
00:19:02,362 --> 00:19:03,277
or whatever.
504
00:19:03,363 --> 00:19:04,412
You're being an idiot right now.
505
00:19:04,497 --> 00:19:05,863
Leather is tanned!
506
00:19:05,949 --> 00:19:07,365
It's not blown, like glass.
507
00:19:07,417 --> 00:19:09,200
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a leathersmith.
508
00:19:09,285 --> 00:19:10,334
You know what?
509
00:19:10,370 --> 00:19:13,037
The only reason I pegged
you in the first place
510
00:19:13,089 --> 00:19:15,039
is because Ilana's grandmother died
511
00:19:15,091 --> 00:19:16,424
and she (Bleep) Little Richard.
512
00:19:16,509 --> 00:19:17,542
Cool!
513
00:19:17,627 --> 00:19:18,676
It's really cool.
514
00:19:18,712 --> 00:19:19,711
Real mature.
515
00:19:19,763 --> 00:19:22,180
You know what, Abbi?
516
00:19:22,215 --> 00:19:23,631
I... I think you should go.
517
00:19:23,717 --> 00:19:24,549
Well, I think that I should go.
518
00:19:24,634 --> 00:19:26,300
Also, maybe you want to do me a favor
519
00:19:26,386 --> 00:19:28,302
and try to keep the Alanis Morissette down?
520
00:19:28,388 --> 00:19:30,471
I mean, who... who blasts "thank you"?
521
00:19:30,557 --> 00:19:34,892
Now who's judging other people
based on their... their stuff?
522
00:19:34,944 --> 00:19:36,611
Real mature!
523
00:19:36,696 --> 00:19:40,398
Also, a (Bleep) ton of people
play that song and love it!
524
00:19:40,450 --> 00:19:41,566
Headphones.
525
00:19:45,205 --> 00:19:46,571
If we get to Chinatown
in the next ten minutes,
526
00:19:46,623 --> 00:19:47,739
we can make it.
527
00:19:47,791 --> 00:19:48,706
What... why?
528
00:19:48,742 --> 00:19:49,907
I... I need more bags.
529
00:19:49,993 --> 00:19:51,576
Mom, we just got arrested!
530
00:19:51,628 --> 00:19:53,544
You don't understand...
I have to have the bags!
531
00:19:53,580 --> 00:19:55,580
- If I don't have them, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
- Mom!
532
00:19:55,632 --> 00:19:56,631
- Mom, mom, mom, mom...
- What, what?
533
00:19:56,716 --> 00:20:00,418
The bags are gone. Let it go.
534
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:03,921
I never got to say goodbye.
535
00:20:03,973 --> 00:20:05,723
The bags know, mom. They know.
536
00:20:05,759 --> 00:20:08,259
Hey, you're blocking the
whole (Bleep) sidewalk!
537
00:20:08,311 --> 00:20:09,510
(Both women shouting)
538
00:20:09,596 --> 00:20:11,145
Who the hell are you, you
disrespectful mother(Bleep)?
539
00:20:11,231 --> 00:20:12,597
So walk around us, you
patriarchal mother(Bleep)!
540
00:20:12,649 --> 00:20:14,265
Who do you think you are,
talking to us that way?
541
00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:15,600
What is wrong with you?
542
00:20:15,685 --> 00:20:16,851
You move around us, (Bleep) face!
543
00:20:16,936 --> 00:20:18,102
I'll (Bleep) murder you, you little bitch!
544
00:20:18,188 --> 00:20:19,771
You cross the street!
545
00:20:19,823 --> 00:20:21,773
- I love you so much.
- You are my world.
546
00:20:21,825 --> 00:20:23,668
You are my everything, I think
about you all day, every day.
547
00:20:26,282 --> 00:20:27,730
I'm gonna have to, like,
jump out the window.
548
00:20:27,850 --> 00:20:29,732
You know, this is a good
thing that this all happened.
549
00:20:29,818 --> 00:20:32,769
Your crush on Jeremy was holding
you back and now you're free.
550
00:20:32,854 --> 00:20:34,020
You're right.
551
00:20:34,105 --> 00:20:35,071
I'm wild.
552
00:20:35,156 --> 00:20:36,239
- Yeah.
- I'm a wild lady.
553
00:20:36,324 --> 00:20:37,523
Ugh!
554
00:20:37,609 --> 00:20:39,158
You know what? I'm gonna delete his texts.
555
00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:41,160
There's only four, but they're gone.
556
00:20:41,196 --> 00:20:42,662
You're gonna find someone else to peg.
557
00:20:42,697 --> 00:20:45,498
There are infinite holes in the sea.
558
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:48,868
Maybe even, I don't know...
559
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,336
Girl holes?
560
00:20:50,372 --> 00:20:52,288
I'm not pegging you, dude.
561
00:20:52,374 --> 00:20:54,540
You gotta stop bringing it up.
562
00:20:54,626 --> 00:20:56,926
I think I want to master regular sex first.
563
00:20:57,012 --> 00:20:59,178
At least you found a
good use for that dildo.
564
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:00,463
Right?
565
00:21:00,548 --> 00:21:02,048
It's perfect.
566
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,549
I want one.
567
00:21:03,635 --> 00:21:04,717
It was 79 bucks.
568
00:21:04,803 --> 00:21:05,852
Ugh!
569
00:21:05,887 --> 00:21:07,969
I could find it cheaper in Chinatown.
570
00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:16,632
Oh, and also, I'm back
on ***. I like them again.
571
00:21:16,633 --> 00:21:18,633
Oh, my God. That's so good.
572
00:21:19,634 --> 00:21:20,620
So...
573
00:21:22,501 --> 00:21:23,573
did you give it any more thought?
574
00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:25,622
Uh, weel, yeah, as a
matter of fact, I did...
575
00:21:25,823 --> 00:21:29,245
and... well, I haven't
changed my mind, so...
576
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:32,246
Just open up your mind,
Arthur, just open up.
577
00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:35,845
My mind is very open. My
asshole, I'm not so sure about it.
578
00:21:36,446 --> 00:21:37,979
Forgot about precious asshole.
579
00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:40,745
But my asshole is fair game, of course!
580
00:21:43,946 --> 00:21:46,076
Fine, I'll pick one up
at the mall tomorrow.
581
00:21:46,077 --> 00:21:47,177
Thank you.
582
00:21:48,078 --> 00:21:50,290
Lot of condolences emails to answer.
583
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:56,100
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584
00:21:57,305 --> 00:22:03,360
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585
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