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1
00:00:01,420 --> 00:00:03,286
Come on! Come on, dude!
2
00:00:04,373 --> 00:00:05,422
It's coming, it's coming.
3
00:00:05,507 --> 00:00:06,506
Go, go, let's go, let's go!
4
00:00:09,294 --> 00:00:13,013
(Indistinct voice on P.A.)
5
00:00:13,048 --> 00:00:14,464
(Both) Yes!
6
00:00:14,550 --> 00:00:17,184
- All right, we've gotta go to the back of the train.
- Okay.
7
00:00:19,638 --> 00:00:21,555
Okay. Hey, sorry.
8
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,223
Excuse... okay.
9
00:00:25,861 --> 00:00:30,564
10
00:00:30,649 --> 00:00:31,898
(Chimpanzee shrieking)
11
00:00:33,235 --> 00:00:35,986
(Pigs grunting)
12
00:00:36,071 --> 00:00:38,238
(Abbi) Ugh, typical.
13
00:00:38,323 --> 00:00:39,906
(Jackals cackling)
14
00:00:39,958 --> 00:00:42,743
(Grunting)
15
00:00:42,795 --> 00:00:43,794
Okay.
16
00:00:46,749 --> 00:00:49,583
(Woman) Val? Val!
17
00:00:50,803 --> 00:00:52,085
(Moaning)
18
00:00:52,171 --> 00:00:53,754
Ilana, come on.
19
00:00:58,594 --> 00:00:59,976
Oh, my God.
20
00:01:00,062 --> 00:01:02,396
21
00:01:13,609 --> 00:01:15,192
Oh! Oh, my...
22
00:01:15,277 --> 00:01:17,110
Oh, (Bleep).
23
00:01:17,162 --> 00:01:18,161
(Gagging) Oh!
24
00:01:18,247 --> 00:01:19,780
Okay, come on, come on. All right, okay.
25
00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:22,115
(Abbi) What's going on here?
26
00:01:38,183 --> 00:01:39,850
(Door chiming)
27
00:01:42,104 --> 00:01:43,637
(Men shouting)
28
00:01:43,689 --> 00:01:44,638
Hold up, dude.
29
00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,473
We were supposed to be at the front end.
30
00:01:46,525 --> 00:01:48,942
- That's what I said.
- Is it?
31
00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:49,943
- Is it?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:49,978 --> 00:01:51,311
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
33
00:01:51,396 --> 00:01:52,362
I thou... I don't know,
34
00:01:52,448 --> 00:01:53,730
I think you said we needed to be at...
35
00:01:53,816 --> 00:01:54,981
Get yourself...
36
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,950
Don't even, I'm pretty sure I got you.
37
00:01:56,985 --> 00:01:57,868
Go away! (Laughing)
38
00:01:57,953 --> 00:01:59,202
Get out!
39
00:01:59,288 --> 00:02:01,705
Four and three and
two and one, one
40
00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,167
(Ilana) I'm telling you,
41
00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:10,337
fat dudes' dicks get sucked
back inside their bodies.
42
00:02:10,423 --> 00:02:11,672
(Abbi) I'm not saying you're wrong,
43
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,557
I just don't, like,
understand the sucking back
44
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,592
into their bodies part of it.
45
00:02:15,644 --> 00:02:17,761
It's not like it's
science suction, Bill Nye!
46
00:02:17,813 --> 00:02:18,896
(Both laughing)
47
00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:19,897
I'm just saying,
48
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:22,099
the more room it has to present itself,
49
00:02:22,151 --> 00:02:23,901
the bigger a penis appears.
50
00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:25,602
Never forget this, okay?
51
00:02:25,654 --> 00:02:27,521
Every 10 pounds a guy loses,
52
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,156
he gains a visual inch.
53
00:02:29,241 --> 00:02:30,240
What, so it's like
54
00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:32,276
the best optical illusion of all time?
55
00:02:32,328 --> 00:02:33,327
Exactly.
56
00:02:33,412 --> 00:02:34,611
Like, um, Mount Rushmore,
57
00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:36,413
how it looks, you know,
like the presidents?
58
00:02:38,834 --> 00:02:40,617
Well, Mount Rushmore
is actually a sculpture.
59
00:02:40,669 --> 00:02:42,202
Like, it was carved by an artist.
60
00:02:42,288 --> 00:02:45,122
Dude, this heat is like
killing me right now.
61
00:02:45,174 --> 00:02:46,340
I'm just dying.
62
00:02:46,425 --> 00:02:47,758
Oh, I love it.
63
00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:48,959
All my senses are heightened,
64
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,294
even my ethnic ambiguity.
65
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,512
I was catcalled today
66
00:02:51,597 --> 00:02:53,097
in what I believe is creole.
67
00:02:53,132 --> 00:02:55,382
Well, I'm on the edge of
like swamp ass right now.
68
00:02:55,468 --> 00:02:57,434
I need some A/C.
69
00:02:57,470 --> 00:02:58,469
70
00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:00,354
(Ilana) We're gonna
have to throw these out.
71
00:03:01,474 --> 00:03:02,973
Here we go.
72
00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:05,058
This lighting is incredible.
73
00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:06,610
Hey, do you have any tweezers?
74
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:09,113
Um, not on me, no.
75
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,230
Ilana, did I tell you that
76
00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,366
male Stacey's cooking me dinner tonight?
77
00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:14,118
I mean, if I was a guy,
78
00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:15,786
that is what I would do for a girl.
79
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:18,238
You should check out the
Colin Farrell sex tape,
80
00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,990
just to get back in the swing of things,
81
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,075
specifically 8:58.
82
00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:23,544
He is feasting on her (Bleep)
83
00:03:23,629 --> 00:03:25,496
like it is a dang milk shake.
84
00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,247
(Irish accent) It's me breakfast,
85
00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,666
lunch, and (Bleep) dinner right here.
86
00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,502
(Irish accent) 'Twas 8:58 you said, sire?
87
00:03:31,554 --> 00:03:32,636
Yes.
88
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,087
But then you're gonna
want to swab the decks
89
00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:37,391
over to 9:44 for some
master ass(Bleep) play.
90
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:39,843
And then round it out at 12:47 with some
91
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,763
good old-fashioned (Bleep) (Bleep).
92
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,431
(Abbi) Oh. So sorry.
93
00:03:44,517 --> 00:03:46,850
We love New York moms.
94
00:03:46,902 --> 00:03:48,569
(Abbi) Um, I'm gonna buy these,
95
00:03:48,654 --> 00:03:50,988
because they're now, like,
sort of part of my body.
96
00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,489
So... perfect.
97
00:03:55,327 --> 00:03:57,194
You said 8:58?
98
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,529
You're gonna like what you see.
99
00:03:58,614 --> 00:03:59,663
I guarantee it.
100
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:05,452
101
00:04:05,538 --> 00:04:06,537
(Abbi) Yeah, so then they got divorced,
102
00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,872
but they're still really good friends.
103
00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,207
Yeah? My parents too.
104
00:04:10,259 --> 00:04:12,009
Divorced, still good friends.
105
00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,177
- So cool, right?
- So cool.
106
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:14,178
I hope to get married
107
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,212
just to get divorced one day.
108
00:04:15,264 --> 00:04:16,513
(Both laughing)
109
00:04:16,549 --> 00:04:17,798
I've gotta be honest, I'm kind of massively
110
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,349
regretting my decision to sizzle fajitas
111
00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:21,468
two inches from my head.
112
00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:23,554
But I'm glad I wore my awesome new shirt.
113
00:04:23,606 --> 00:04:24,471
It's like a smiley face.
114
00:04:24,557 --> 00:04:25,522
It... kind of like a smiley face.
115
00:04:25,558 --> 00:04:26,473
- It is!
- Look at that.
116
00:04:26,559 --> 00:04:27,558
My plan is working.
117
00:04:27,610 --> 00:04:30,143
Get you over here, hide the A/C,
118
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,479
get those clothes off.
119
00:04:32,565 --> 00:04:34,448
You don't actually have
an air conditioner, do you?
120
00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:36,783
No, I don't.
121
00:04:36,869 --> 00:04:38,285
Okay. (Chuckling)
122
00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:39,369
I'm gonna go.
123
00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:40,704
I think I'm gonna go wipe up...
124
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,406
I'm gonna go wipe my...
125
00:04:42,458 --> 00:04:43,707
I'm gonna pee.
126
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:44,992
I'll pee and then you know what I'll do?
127
00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,410
I'll wipe...
128
00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:50,163
I'm gonna use the ladies' room.
129
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,832
All right.
130
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,634
(Bleep), it's hot.
131
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:56,386
Oh.
132
00:04:57,673 --> 00:04:58,755
Okay.
133
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,090
All right. Jesus, cool down.
134
00:05:00,142 --> 00:05:01,475
Just cool down, Abbi.
135
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:02,726
You're cool, you're cool.
136
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,011
You're cool.
137
00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,680
You look good. You feel good.
138
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,266
That's cool.
139
00:05:09,318 --> 00:05:11,351
Cool mode.
140
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:12,486
Here we go.
141
00:05:12,571 --> 00:05:14,571
(Hair dryer blowing)
142
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,779
(Toilet flushing)
143
00:05:24,083 --> 00:05:25,499
- Yo!
- Hey!
144
00:05:25,584 --> 00:05:26,533
What up?
145
00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:27,584
- I just peed.
- Yeah?
146
00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,369
- I've just been cooking.
- Uh...
147
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:30,787
I was thinking, maybe we forget about
148
00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,123
the fajitas, um, for a sec.
149
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,175
I have a fan in my room.
150
00:05:35,261 --> 00:05:38,128
Uh, that's where I
sleep and do other stuff.
151
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,880
Cool.
152
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,598
(Ilana) Animated movies are where it's at.
153
00:05:41,634 --> 00:05:43,133
It's like visual crack.
154
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,968
Hey, my daughter loves "Frozen."
155
00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,386
- Watches it over and over...
- (Ilana) Oh, yes.
156
00:05:46,472 --> 00:05:48,105
Looped and loop... she's frozen.
157
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,106
(Ilana) Exactly.
158
00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,224
All Hollywood media is porn,
159
00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:53,527
and all porn is kiddie porn.
160
00:05:53,612 --> 00:05:54,695
Ooh.
161
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:57,281
We live in a rape culture,
you know? We just do.
162
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,282
I'm gonna run to the little girl's room.
163
00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,652
That is rape culture language right there.
164
00:06:01,704 --> 00:06:03,904
Wow. Wow, wow, wow, oh.
165
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:04,988
Where'd you meet her, man?
166
00:06:05,074 --> 00:06:06,573
At a Foot Locker in Times Square.
167
00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:07,958
She was just hanging out.
168
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,077
She wasn't buying anything,
she was just chilling.
169
00:06:12,798 --> 00:06:13,714
I'm gonna take your pants off.
170
00:06:13,799 --> 00:06:15,082
- Okay? Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
171
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,083
- Okay.
- They're just...
172
00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,417
- Really tight.
- Yep, little bit.
173
00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:18,502
I'm sorry.
174
00:06:18,554 --> 00:06:19,503
It's just because it's hot out.
175
00:06:19,555 --> 00:06:20,504
(Grunting) They're really on there.
176
00:06:20,556 --> 00:06:21,505
All right, I'm gonna hold the bed,
177
00:06:21,557 --> 00:06:22,639
- you just pull, okay?
- Okay, on three.
178
00:06:22,675 --> 00:06:23,974
(Both) One, two...
179
00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,559
- Three.
- Oh, no.
180
00:06:25,644 --> 00:06:27,060
Oh, no.
181
00:06:27,146 --> 00:06:30,180
Did you have an accident or something?
182
00:06:30,232 --> 00:06:31,231
When you went to the bathroom,
183
00:06:31,317 --> 00:06:32,733
to wipe yourself up earlier...
184
00:06:32,818 --> 00:06:34,685
- I was peeing.
- I... I got major swamp ass,
185
00:06:34,737 --> 00:06:36,103
and I started to shove paper towels
186
00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:37,854
in my butt crack to try to absorb it,
187
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,324
and I just realized that
they're still in there.
188
00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,442
So, let's just pause. Let's just pause.
189
00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:43,410
- Okay?
- Okay.
190
00:06:43,495 --> 00:06:44,528
- Just give me one second.
- All right.
191
00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:51,952
That's a lot of paper towels.
192
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:53,787
Do you recycle?
193
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,455
I make more eye contact with this face
194
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,040
than any human being's face.
195
00:06:57,092 --> 00:06:58,041
It's crazy.
196
00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,043
I love "watching" it.
197
00:07:00,095 --> 00:07:03,430
(Laughter)
198
00:07:03,515 --> 00:07:05,215
Happy Birthday!
199
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,383
- (Scattered applause)
- Whose birthday is it?
200
00:07:06,435 --> 00:07:07,801
Very funny.
201
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,937
Oh, it's a tooth cake?
202
00:07:14,510 --> 00:07:16,693
Yup. Happy Birthday!
203
00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:18,061
Get up, yeah.
204
00:07:18,113 --> 00:07:20,280
Birthday boy, and we all knew it...
205
00:07:20,366 --> 00:07:21,198
- Yeah.
- Huh?
206
00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:30,907
Oh, Abbi.
207
00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:31,875
Stacey, yeah, it's so good.
208
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:32,876
Oh, Abbi. That's good.
209
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,244
I feel crazy. I feel...
210
00:07:34,296 --> 00:07:35,579
Me too. It's so crazy.
211
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,913
I really feel...
212
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,081
I feel really...
213
00:07:38,133 --> 00:07:39,166
Ah.
214
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,251
Ah, Stacey. That's so good.
215
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,719
Stacey.
216
00:07:42,755 --> 00:07:44,471
Stacey!
217
00:07:44,556 --> 00:07:45,189
Stace?
218
00:07:45,274 --> 00:07:46,723
Male Stacey!
219
00:07:46,759 --> 00:07:48,675
Male Stacey!
220
00:07:49,895 --> 00:07:50,761
Oh, (Bleep).
221
00:07:51,881 --> 00:07:52,796
(Jackhammer pounding)
222
00:07:52,832 --> 00:07:54,081
(Shouting) So, to clarify, you raped...
223
00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:55,215
- (jackhammer stops)
- (Speaking) Ooh.
224
00:07:55,301 --> 00:07:56,800
You raped him.
225
00:07:56,836 --> 00:07:58,385
No, no.
226
00:07:58,471 --> 00:08:00,170
He passed out from the heat.
227
00:08:00,222 --> 00:08:01,922
He seriously wanted it.
228
00:08:02,007 --> 00:08:05,559
Ooh! That is literally what "they" say.
229
00:08:05,644 --> 00:08:07,311
Yeah, but I really mean it.
230
00:08:07,346 --> 00:08:08,979
So do "they."
231
00:08:09,014 --> 00:08:10,013
Well, I...
232
00:08:10,065 --> 00:08:13,684
Dude, did you... finish?
233
00:08:14,937 --> 00:08:16,570
My God, I raped him, dude.
234
00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:18,021
I... I raped male Stacey.
235
00:08:18,107 --> 00:08:19,239
- I'm a monster.
- Wow.
236
00:08:19,325 --> 00:08:20,190
I need an air conditioner, immediately!
237
00:08:20,276 --> 00:08:22,910
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!
238
00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:25,195
239
00:08:25,317 --> 00:08:27,601
They moved the fans. Good call.
240
00:08:27,686 --> 00:08:28,936
You know, I was gonna say something,
241
00:08:28,988 --> 00:08:30,320
but I didn't want to step
on anyone's toes, you know,
242
00:08:30,406 --> 00:08:32,239
'cause like, I don't work here.
243
00:08:32,274 --> 00:08:33,607
Why don't you work here?
244
00:08:33,692 --> 00:08:35,859
You don't (Bleep) where you eat.
245
00:08:35,945 --> 00:08:37,661
Ooh, turbie twist.
246
00:08:37,746 --> 00:08:38,662
You think Lincoln would want
247
00:08:38,747 --> 00:08:39,830
one of these for his birthday?
248
00:08:39,915 --> 00:08:41,865
Probably not, 'cause he
doesn't have any hair.
249
00:08:41,951 --> 00:08:43,333
(Clicking tongue) Ugh, right.
250
00:08:43,419 --> 00:08:44,368
- Right?
- Right, right, right.
251
00:08:44,453 --> 00:08:45,919
- Yeah. Hmm.
- Yep, you're right.
252
00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:46,920
You know what? Follow me.
253
00:08:46,956 --> 00:08:48,121
We'll check out the ravioli attachments
254
00:08:48,207 --> 00:08:49,373
for his pasta maker.
255
00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:51,925
Lincoln has a pasta maker? No way.
256
00:08:51,961 --> 00:08:52,960
Yeah, you don't know about this?
257
00:08:53,012 --> 00:08:54,044
The homemade pasta.
258
00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:55,629
He makes a different
kind every Sunday night.
259
00:08:55,714 --> 00:08:56,763
It's on his blog.
260
00:08:56,799 --> 00:08:57,864
What blog?
261
00:08:57,933 --> 00:08:59,716
"The Al Dente Dentist."
262
00:08:59,802 --> 00:09:01,351
Do you not talk to Lincoln?
263
00:09:01,437 --> 00:09:03,020
It should be called "The Al Dentist."
264
00:09:03,105 --> 00:09:04,187
No, we don't...
265
00:09:04,273 --> 00:09:05,722
we don't talk. We hook up,
266
00:09:05,808 --> 00:09:06,773
I smoke him up, we watch TV.
267
00:09:06,809 --> 00:09:07,724
It's great.
268
00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:09,226
Abbi!
269
00:09:09,376 --> 00:09:12,177
You come here, you don't
come find me in flatware?
270
00:09:12,212 --> 00:09:14,012
Come on! Oh, ho, ho, ho!
271
00:09:14,048 --> 00:09:15,013
Wow!
272
00:09:15,049 --> 00:09:16,181
(Both) Hmm.
273
00:09:16,216 --> 00:09:18,633
Here we go. This is it.
274
00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,385
Whew!
275
00:09:20,471 --> 00:09:21,887
Yes.
276
00:09:21,939 --> 00:09:24,139
Whoo! Right.
277
00:09:24,224 --> 00:09:26,358
- Blam! (Scatting)
- I'm just gonna...
278
00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:29,561
Oh, my God.
279
00:09:29,646 --> 00:09:31,146
Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow.
280
00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:35,650
All right. Thank you, guys.
281
00:09:35,736 --> 00:09:37,235
Thank you so much.
282
00:09:37,287 --> 00:09:39,371
- Whoa!
- Oh, ho, ho!
283
00:09:39,406 --> 00:09:41,790
- Holler at me, Abbi!
- (Laughing)
284
00:09:42,993 --> 00:09:44,042
- Good to see you, Abbi.
- Oh, I'll see you.
285
00:09:44,078 --> 00:09:45,127
How often do you come in here?
286
00:09:45,212 --> 00:09:46,411
Not that much.
287
00:09:46,497 --> 00:09:48,080
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
288
00:09:48,132 --> 00:09:49,548
- Hey.
- All right.
289
00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:51,133
Oh, my God.
290
00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:55,087
The planning this takes is unbelievable.
291
00:09:55,172 --> 00:09:56,588
- This is incredible.
- What's going on?
292
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,256
Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me.
293
00:09:58,308 --> 00:09:59,558
(Both laughing)
294
00:09:59,593 --> 00:10:01,259
- Hi, pretty lady!
- What's up?
295
00:10:01,311 --> 00:10:02,561
- What is up?
- Oh, look...
296
00:10:02,596 --> 00:10:03,729
- Okay.
- You know what?
297
00:10:03,764 --> 00:10:04,679
I've got a cutting board
with your name on it.
298
00:10:04,765 --> 00:10:05,931
- Stunning.
- No!
299
00:10:05,983 --> 00:10:06,932
No, really, I've been
calling it "the Abbi."
300
00:10:06,984 --> 00:10:07,849
- Great.
- Oh!
301
00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:09,484
You go do that.
302
00:10:09,570 --> 00:10:11,269
I will get an air conditioner.
303
00:10:11,321 --> 00:10:13,655
Meet you back on the thing.
304
00:10:15,242 --> 00:10:16,274
- This feels great.
- It is so good.
305
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,943
It's an investment, you know? Right?
306
00:10:17,995 --> 00:10:19,444
I'll look for a cab on the side streets,
307
00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:20,529
you take the avenue.
308
00:10:20,614 --> 00:10:22,164
- Genius. All angles.
- Whoo!
309
00:10:24,451 --> 00:10:25,534
Come on, New York!
310
00:10:26,954 --> 00:10:29,838
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Brb!
311
00:10:29,923 --> 00:10:31,289
Ab, I got one!
312
00:10:31,375 --> 00:10:33,008
Right back here! Are
you (Bleep) kidding me?
313
00:10:33,093 --> 00:10:34,760
Oh, my God! What the...
314
00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,213
(bleep)!
315
00:10:38,298 --> 00:10:39,214
What do you think about this
316
00:10:39,299 --> 00:10:40,682
for my Facebook status update?
317
00:10:40,768 --> 00:10:43,852
"Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap.
318
00:10:43,937 --> 00:10:44,936
Thanks. Bye, guys."
319
00:10:44,972 --> 00:10:46,021
"Bye, guys" is my favorite part.
320
00:10:46,106 --> 00:10:47,472
I love that. I want more you.
321
00:10:47,558 --> 00:10:48,807
I want more panache.
322
00:10:48,859 --> 00:10:51,309
I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz.
323
00:10:51,361 --> 00:10:52,227
Eww, okay.
324
00:10:54,364 --> 00:10:56,865
Maybe Lincoln would want
an avocado for his birthday?
325
00:10:56,950 --> 00:10:58,650
Or like a bag of avocados?
326
00:10:58,735 --> 00:10:59,785
No.
327
00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:04,406
Sent into... cloud.
328
00:11:04,491 --> 00:11:06,241
Whoa, dude, I got two responses already.
329
00:11:06,326 --> 00:11:08,710
Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing.
330
00:11:08,796 --> 00:11:12,497
They are like up Facebook's
butthole, no shame!
331
00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:14,332
Okay, one is from my old babysitter.
332
00:11:14,384 --> 00:11:15,417
Whoa.
333
00:11:15,502 --> 00:11:16,501
Who, if I'm being honest,
334
00:11:16,553 --> 00:11:18,170
potentially broke up my parents.
335
00:11:18,255 --> 00:11:20,172
- Whoa!
- So, no.
336
00:11:20,224 --> 00:11:22,224
The second one's Benny Calitri.
337
00:11:22,309 --> 00:11:23,592
Who's Benny Calitri?
338
00:11:23,677 --> 00:11:25,177
I have one mutual friend.
339
00:11:25,229 --> 00:11:27,729
(Humming)
340
00:11:27,815 --> 00:11:30,098
(Phone vibrating)
341
00:11:30,184 --> 00:11:31,516
Hello?
342
00:11:31,568 --> 00:11:33,185
Hey, Bevers. Who's Benny Calitri?
343
00:11:33,237 --> 00:11:34,853
- Do I know him?
- Yes!
344
00:11:34,905 --> 00:11:36,354
Remember you had that party,
345
00:11:36,406 --> 00:11:38,023
you told me I couldn't bring a "plus one"?
346
00:11:38,108 --> 00:11:39,691
He was my "plus one"!
347
00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:40,859
- Great, thanks.
- He's one of my best friends.
348
00:11:40,944 --> 00:11:42,160
Did you guys...
349
00:11:44,198 --> 00:11:46,581
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
350
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,500
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
351
00:11:48,535 --> 00:11:51,203
Mm... uh-oh! (Laughing)
352
00:11:51,255 --> 00:11:54,673
(Humming)
353
00:11:54,708 --> 00:11:56,541
You know, I've never been
to this neighborhood before,
354
00:11:56,627 --> 00:12:00,212
but I'm not scared, 'cause
I'm with a stone cold rapist!
355
00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:02,631
Okay. All right.
356
00:12:02,716 --> 00:12:03,598
- Listen, Ab...
- That I am.
357
00:12:03,684 --> 00:12:05,217
It's reverse rapism.
358
00:12:05,269 --> 00:12:06,635
You are raping rape culture.
359
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,769
Yes!
360
00:12:07,855 --> 00:12:09,221
- Hey, I'm Benny.
- Yeah.
361
00:12:09,306 --> 00:12:10,522
We've actually met before.
362
00:12:10,557 --> 00:12:11,556
Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't
talking to you guys.
363
00:12:11,608 --> 00:12:13,058
I'm doing my testimonial
364
00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:14,643
for my "Amazing Race" submission.
365
00:12:15,863 --> 00:12:17,279
I'm just a guy looking for a challenge
366
00:12:17,364 --> 00:12:18,897
that'll change his life forever.
367
00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,399
- Yes?
- So, yeah.
368
00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:22,901
Thank you so much for this A/C.
369
00:12:22,986 --> 00:12:24,703
If there's anything I
can do to repay you...
370
00:12:24,738 --> 00:12:26,621
Actually, if you guys want to carry boxes
371
00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:27,956
to the truck, that'd be great.
372
00:12:28,041 --> 00:12:29,040
- I guess.
- Okay.
373
00:12:30,377 --> 00:12:31,710
A couple of my best friends showed up.
374
00:12:31,745 --> 00:12:34,079
Even though they were pretty stacked,
375
00:12:34,131 --> 00:12:35,714
I've got to keep my eye on the prize...
376
00:12:35,749 --> 00:12:37,716
"The Amazing Race"!
377
00:12:37,751 --> 00:12:41,670
378
00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:56,101
Thanks so much, guys.
379
00:12:56,153 --> 00:12:58,403
You really pulled my butt out of the fire.
380
00:12:58,438 --> 00:12:59,854
Yeah, thanks for...
381
00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:00,772
One question... why do you guys
382
00:13:00,824 --> 00:13:01,823
want a broken air conditioner?
383
00:13:01,909 --> 00:13:02,941
What?
384
00:13:02,993 --> 00:13:04,326
Your post said, and I quote,
385
00:13:04,411 --> 00:13:07,028
"broke-ass girl looking
for an A/C to match."
386
00:13:07,114 --> 00:13:08,246
Why would I ever want a
broken air conditioner?
387
00:13:08,282 --> 00:13:09,948
(Bleep)! (Bleep) me!
388
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,533
I'm not big into slang,
389
00:13:11,618 --> 00:13:13,618
but I assumed "broke-ass" means "broken"?
390
00:13:13,704 --> 00:13:15,453
Okay, I know you guys
are annoyed right now...
391
00:13:15,505 --> 00:13:16,621
I'm great at reading vibes...
392
00:13:16,707 --> 00:13:19,124
but are either of you
good at bungee jumping,
393
00:13:19,209 --> 00:13:20,709
or can drive a stick shift?
394
00:13:20,794 --> 00:13:21,960
I need someone for "Amazing Race"
395
00:13:22,012 --> 00:13:23,295
because my mom just pulled out.
396
00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:25,547
Maybe your dad should have pulled out.
397
00:13:25,632 --> 00:13:26,848
Whoa, dude.
398
00:13:26,934 --> 00:13:28,350
- That was awesome.
- I just thought of that.
399
00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:29,351
I don't get it.
400
00:13:29,436 --> 00:13:30,518
Why don't you take Bevers?
401
00:13:30,604 --> 00:13:31,853
Oh, he can't.
402
00:13:31,939 --> 00:13:32,804
He's got all those kittens to take care of.
403
00:13:32,856 --> 00:13:33,972
What kittens?
404
00:13:34,024 --> 00:13:36,641
- Oh, drama.
- What?
405
00:13:36,727 --> 00:13:38,393
Drama seems to follow me wherever I go,
406
00:13:38,478 --> 00:13:39,477
especially when I'm with the ladies...
407
00:13:39,529 --> 00:13:41,863
Stop talking now, please!
408
00:13:41,949 --> 00:13:44,816
Stop doing your lame-o video!
409
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:47,235
You're not gonna make it!
410
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:48,920
Can we try that again
without you guys yelling?
411
00:13:50,476 --> 00:13:51,725
This is gonna work.
412
00:13:51,811 --> 00:13:53,360
I left my air conditioner here last year
413
00:13:53,446 --> 00:13:55,896
when I graduated. It's
technically still mine.
414
00:13:55,982 --> 00:13:56,981
It's like when a mom
415
00:13:57,066 --> 00:13:58,449
gives up a baby for adoption,
416
00:13:58,484 --> 00:13:59,650
she should be able to go
417
00:13:59,702 --> 00:14:01,786
and get that baby back
whenever she pleases.
418
00:14:01,821 --> 00:14:04,321
I can't... I can't get into
adoption with you again.
419
00:14:04,373 --> 00:14:06,740
It's... smart. Smart.
420
00:14:08,377 --> 00:14:09,326
(Ilana) Hello, sir!
421
00:14:09,378 --> 00:14:10,661
I'm gonna sign my friend in here.
422
00:14:12,415 --> 00:14:13,464
This is expired.
423
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:17,635
Oh, I see. We are loving lesbians,
424
00:14:17,670 --> 00:14:19,336
so this is because we're clearly lesbians?
425
00:14:19,388 --> 00:14:20,554
Okay.
426
00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:22,890
'Cause your hetero-normative notion...
427
00:14:22,975 --> 00:14:24,141
I don't care if you're lesbians.
428
00:14:25,428 --> 00:14:26,510
Okay.
429
00:14:26,596 --> 00:14:28,729
I guess it's because we're straight, then?
430
00:14:28,815 --> 00:14:30,648
Because we're a minority in our class,
431
00:14:30,683 --> 00:14:32,066
we shouldn't be treated equally?
432
00:14:32,151 --> 00:14:35,986
The straight girls of
2015 shafted yet again!
433
00:14:36,022 --> 00:14:39,023
You kids are all straight,
and you're all gay.
434
00:14:39,075 --> 00:14:40,357
Thank you.
435
00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:42,243
Thank you, sir.
436
00:14:42,328 --> 00:14:43,577
(Abbi) Okay, we'll just do the thing,
437
00:14:43,663 --> 00:14:45,196
get in, get out. We got this.
438
00:14:45,248 --> 00:14:46,697
Yes, we got this. (Grunting)
439
00:14:50,369 --> 00:14:52,002
Guys, some lady and her mom are here.
440
00:14:52,038 --> 00:14:53,204
(Ilana) Good one.
441
00:14:53,289 --> 00:14:54,672
- What are you, a comedian?
- Pretty much.
442
00:14:54,707 --> 00:14:56,457
My uncle is Adam Corolla.
443
00:14:57,593 --> 00:14:58,592
(Whispering) That's it.
444
00:14:59,879 --> 00:15:01,679
(Abbi) Okay, we're your new R.A.s,
445
00:15:01,714 --> 00:15:04,098
so I'd cut it with the douche-fest, asap.
446
00:15:04,183 --> 00:15:05,966
This is a spontaneous room raid.
447
00:15:06,052 --> 00:15:07,935
Whoo!
448
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,053
Guys, we don't want any trouble.
449
00:15:09,105 --> 00:15:10,688
I'm hoping, boys,
450
00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:12,806
that we don't find any contraband in here,
451
00:15:12,892 --> 00:15:14,808
'cause that would not be good for you.
452
00:15:14,894 --> 00:15:16,560
Uh-oh. Mini-fridge.
453
00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:20,898
(Gasping) Hey, now!
454
00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:23,317
What do we got here?
455
00:15:23,402 --> 00:15:24,902
Mad vodka, huh?
456
00:15:24,954 --> 00:15:26,403
Good stuff, huh?
457
00:15:26,489 --> 00:15:27,571
And it's also against the rules.
458
00:15:27,657 --> 00:15:29,490
Strike uno!
459
00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:31,458
(Abbi) Lordy, lordy!
460
00:15:31,544 --> 00:15:32,826
(Laughing)
461
00:15:32,912 --> 00:15:34,495
Janet's 40!
462
00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:38,215
This is... stah-rike two!
463
00:15:38,251 --> 00:15:39,800
(Sniffing)
464
00:15:39,886 --> 00:15:41,418
(Abbi) What is it, girl? What is it?
465
00:15:41,470 --> 00:15:44,171
- Smell something?
- (Sniffing)
466
00:15:44,257 --> 00:15:45,306
(Gasping)
467
00:15:45,391 --> 00:15:47,007
Lordy, lordy.
468
00:15:47,093 --> 00:15:51,512
Janet just turned 40!
469
00:15:51,597 --> 00:15:52,680
What the crap is that?
470
00:15:52,765 --> 00:15:53,814
This is strike three.
471
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,099
Honestly, that's not ours.
472
00:15:55,151 --> 00:15:57,351
Yeah, who would leave
weed in a wall, anyway?
473
00:15:57,436 --> 00:15:59,570
(Mocking) Who would leave weed in a wall?
474
00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:01,155
A weed genius!
475
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,773
And she'd leave it there indefinitely,
476
00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:05,442
in case of emergency.
477
00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:08,946
This is a serious
violation of the ethics code
478
00:16:08,998 --> 00:16:12,249
our dear university abides by.
479
00:16:12,285 --> 00:16:16,120
I'm sorry, but as R.A.s,
we've got to report you.
480
00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:19,790
Hold on, Ilana. Hold on, hold on.
481
00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:21,458
I don't think the head R.A. needs
482
00:16:21,544 --> 00:16:22,793
to find out about this.
483
00:16:22,845 --> 00:16:24,178
It's their first violation.
484
00:16:24,263 --> 00:16:26,964
Maybe we just revoke the
A/C privileges, you know?
485
00:16:27,049 --> 00:16:28,515
Call it a day.
486
00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:30,134
I guess that's fair. Deal.
487
00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,969
Guys, seriously, the weed isn't ours.
488
00:16:32,021 --> 00:16:33,137
- It's not ours.
- Also...
489
00:16:33,189 --> 00:16:34,555
What does this have to do with the A/C?
490
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,307
(Abbi) These are the
rules, and when you graduate
491
00:16:36,359 --> 00:16:37,608
and get a real job like an R.A.,
492
00:16:37,643 --> 00:16:38,809
we can talk about it.
493
00:16:38,861 --> 00:16:41,145
- R.A.s are students.
- When you graduate,
494
00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:43,731
we can talk about what
an R.A. is and isn't,
495
00:16:43,816 --> 00:16:46,150
and whether or not we are students.
496
00:16:46,202 --> 00:16:50,788
While my partner in justice
497
00:16:50,823 --> 00:16:52,990
removes your A/C,
498
00:16:53,075 --> 00:16:56,660
I'm gonna teach you boys about the dangers
499
00:16:56,712 --> 00:16:58,412
of ripping underaged bongs.
500
00:16:58,497 --> 00:17:00,047
Now, you take this, brother.
501
00:17:00,132 --> 00:17:02,333
You're gonna smoke the whole bag.
502
00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:03,884
You're first, little buddy.
503
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:06,220
- Now, suck it up.
- (Bong bubbling)
504
00:17:06,305 --> 00:17:08,005
That's it. And here we go.
505
00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:11,925
506
00:17:42,875 --> 00:17:44,842
(Ilana) Yeah, I invented this app...
507
00:17:44,877 --> 00:17:48,295
Well, okay, I didn't
invent it yet, but soon.
508
00:17:48,381 --> 00:17:51,932
It's this photo app that,
um, adds lasers to images,
509
00:17:52,018 --> 00:17:54,601
so you could put lasers coming out of eyes,
510
00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:56,553
or nipples, or buttholes.
511
00:17:56,605 --> 00:17:57,721
That'd be pretty cool,
512
00:17:57,773 --> 00:17:59,023
if it wasn't already an app.
513
00:17:59,058 --> 00:18:00,391
Ugh.
514
00:18:00,443 --> 00:18:02,109
Wow, you hands are big.
515
00:18:02,194 --> 00:18:03,394
I don't know what that mean...
516
00:18:03,479 --> 00:18:06,063
I could say something,
like "big hands," or...
517
00:18:06,115 --> 00:18:07,064
Right? (Chuckling)
518
00:18:07,116 --> 00:18:08,365
(Laughing)
519
00:18:08,401 --> 00:18:09,366
Stop it.
520
00:18:09,402 --> 00:18:11,151
You're so funny.
521
00:18:11,237 --> 00:18:12,619
Have you ever heard of Bleepy?
522
00:18:12,705 --> 00:18:14,538
Of course! Bleepy is huge!
523
00:18:14,573 --> 00:18:16,323
Well, I invented that.
524
00:18:16,409 --> 00:18:17,741
- No!
- It's obviously
525
00:18:17,827 --> 00:18:20,461
not my only capitalist
venture at this time.
526
00:18:20,546 --> 00:18:22,579
Eww.
527
00:18:22,631 --> 00:18:24,248
Whoa, look at that.
528
00:18:27,136 --> 00:18:28,252
Dude.
529
00:18:28,304 --> 00:18:30,838
I'm definitely applying here next year.
530
00:18:30,923 --> 00:18:33,307
Wait, I thought you said you're a senior.
531
00:18:33,392 --> 00:18:35,926
I am, at Morristown Prep Academy.
532
00:18:37,396 --> 00:18:39,063
Okay.
533
00:18:39,098 --> 00:18:43,901
So, how... old are you?
534
00:18:43,936 --> 00:18:45,903
16.
535
00:18:45,938 --> 00:18:47,606
Oh, I've done it again.
536
00:18:49,478 --> 00:18:50,561
I'm a repeated sex offender.
537
00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:51,729
I'm a monster,
538
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,097
and I just have to deal with that, so...
539
00:18:53,182 --> 00:18:54,315
Okay, okay.
540
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,401
So, you made out with a minor.
541
00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:00,854
You finished a couple of moments
542
00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,606
after a dude went unconscious.
543
00:19:02,658 --> 00:19:04,608
You're a sex offender at worst!
544
00:19:04,694 --> 00:19:06,660
- Welcome to the club.
- (Scoffing)
545
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:07,745
- Honestly.
- There's a club?
546
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,779
I didn't know there was a club.
547
00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,114
Yeah, it's, uh... (Laughing)
548
00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,332
It's not hard to get into.
549
00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:11,582
(Both laughing)
550
00:19:14,199 --> 00:19:17,083
And very, very Happy Birthday.
551
00:19:17,169 --> 00:19:18,752
Thank you.
552
00:19:18,837 --> 00:19:20,620
- "Reginald corolla"?
- Yeah.
553
00:19:20,705 --> 00:19:24,924
This asshole's got $3,600 on his meal card.
554
00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:26,876
That's awesome, 'cause my office
555
00:19:26,928 --> 00:19:29,095
is right around the corner
from an NYU dining hall.
556
00:19:29,181 --> 00:19:30,880
- That's amazing.
- I love it.
557
00:19:30,966 --> 00:19:34,134
I am honored and thrilled
558
00:19:34,219 --> 00:19:35,969
that you would steal something for me.
559
00:19:36,054 --> 00:19:38,054
- I feel like a fugitive.
- Yeah?
560
00:19:38,106 --> 00:19:41,141
And if anyone asks, I'll say...
561
00:19:41,226 --> 00:19:42,642
the one-armed man took it.
562
00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:43,943
(Both laughing)
563
00:19:45,397 --> 00:19:47,230
Yes.
564
00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,782
You don't get it, do you?
565
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:50,400
No, I don't get it at all.
566
00:19:50,485 --> 00:19:52,452
(Both laughing)
567
00:19:55,207 --> 00:19:57,657
Ooh, you guys are gonna
have to thank Aunt Abbi
568
00:19:57,742 --> 00:19:59,242
for your comfy new bed.
569
00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:00,910
That's her sweatshirt.
570
00:20:00,996 --> 00:20:03,046
We're a happy family, right?
571
00:20:03,081 --> 00:20:05,415
You got me, daddy-maddy.
572
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,250
You got Odysseus,
573
00:20:07,302 --> 00:20:11,137
Medusa, Artemis, Hermes.
574
00:20:11,223 --> 00:20:13,173
You got Drew...
575
00:20:13,258 --> 00:20:14,257
Drew?
576
00:20:14,342 --> 00:20:17,260
Guys, where is Drew?
577
00:20:17,312 --> 00:20:18,695
Drew!
578
00:20:18,763 --> 00:20:20,814
It is so nice in here!
579
00:20:20,899 --> 00:20:21,981
- So good.
- It's so good!
580
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:23,233
- I feel amazing.
- It's amazing.
581
00:20:23,268 --> 00:20:24,234
It's like a whole other apartment.
582
00:20:24,269 --> 00:20:25,268
It is, right?
583
00:20:25,353 --> 00:20:26,269
Like a whole 'nother apartment, yeah.
584
00:20:26,321 --> 00:20:27,437
Yes. Yes!
585
00:20:27,522 --> 00:20:28,571
- (Coughing)
- So good.
586
00:20:28,607 --> 00:20:29,572
So good.
587
00:20:29,608 --> 00:20:31,024
So good!
588
00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,693
(Kitten meowing)
589
00:20:33,778 --> 00:20:34,661
(Kitten meowing)
590
00:20:35,864 --> 00:20:37,497
(Together) Holy (Bleep)!
591
00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:40,116
(Bleep)!
592
00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:41,868
Who the (Bleep) are you?
593
00:20:41,953 --> 00:20:43,169
(Stacey) How did you get in here?
594
00:20:43,255 --> 00:20:45,922
How did you get into my apartment?
595
00:20:45,957 --> 00:20:47,507
(Abbi) You're sitting here watching us?
596
00:20:47,592 --> 00:20:48,791
You (Bleep) perv!
597
00:20:48,792 --> 00:20:51,530
Get in that box!
598
00:20:51,531 --> 00:20:53,575
No, you got some explaining to do!
599
00:20:53,576 --> 00:20:54,945
Are you sure that's even a cat?
600
00:20:54,946 --> 00:20:59,946
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- www.addic7ed.com -
601
00:20:59,996 --> 00:21:04,546
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