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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,420 --> 00:00:03,286 Come on! Come on, dude! 2 00:00:04,373 --> 00:00:05,422 It's coming, it's coming. 3 00:00:05,507 --> 00:00:06,506 Go, go, let's go, let's go! 4 00:00:09,294 --> 00:00:13,013 (Indistinct voice on P.A.) 5 00:00:13,048 --> 00:00:14,464 (Both) Yes! 6 00:00:14,550 --> 00:00:17,184 - All right, we've gotta go to the back of the train. - Okay. 7 00:00:19,638 --> 00:00:21,555 Okay. Hey, sorry. 8 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,223 Excuse... okay. 9 00:00:25,861 --> 00:00:30,564 10 00:00:30,649 --> 00:00:31,898 (Chimpanzee shrieking) 11 00:00:33,235 --> 00:00:35,986 (Pigs grunting) 12 00:00:36,071 --> 00:00:38,238 (Abbi) Ugh, typical. 13 00:00:38,323 --> 00:00:39,906 (Jackals cackling) 14 00:00:39,958 --> 00:00:42,743 (Grunting) 15 00:00:42,795 --> 00:00:43,794 Okay. 16 00:00:46,749 --> 00:00:49,583 (Woman) Val? Val! 17 00:00:50,803 --> 00:00:52,085 (Moaning) 18 00:00:52,171 --> 00:00:53,754 Ilana, come on. 19 00:00:58,594 --> 00:00:59,976 Oh, my God. 20 00:01:00,062 --> 00:01:02,396 21 00:01:13,609 --> 00:01:15,192 Oh! Oh, my... 22 00:01:15,277 --> 00:01:17,110 Oh, (Bleep). 23 00:01:17,162 --> 00:01:18,161 (Gagging) Oh! 24 00:01:18,247 --> 00:01:19,780 Okay, come on, come on. All right, okay. 25 00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:22,115 (Abbi) What's going on here? 26 00:01:38,183 --> 00:01:39,850 (Door chiming) 27 00:01:42,104 --> 00:01:43,637 (Men shouting) 28 00:01:43,689 --> 00:01:44,638 Hold up, dude. 29 00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,473 We were supposed to be at the front end. 30 00:01:46,525 --> 00:01:48,942 - That's what I said. - Is it? 31 00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:49,943 - Is it? - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 32 00:01:49,978 --> 00:01:51,311 - Are you sure? - Yeah. 33 00:01:51,396 --> 00:01:52,362 I thou... I don't know, 34 00:01:52,448 --> 00:01:53,730 I think you said we needed to be at... 35 00:01:53,816 --> 00:01:54,981 Get yourself... 36 00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,950 Don't even, I'm pretty sure I got you. 37 00:01:56,985 --> 00:01:57,868 Go away! (Laughing) 38 00:01:57,953 --> 00:01:59,202 Get out! 39 00:01:59,288 --> 00:02:01,705 Four and three and two and one, one 40 00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,167 (Ilana) I'm telling you, 41 00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:10,337 fat dudes' dicks get sucked back inside their bodies. 42 00:02:10,423 --> 00:02:11,672 (Abbi) I'm not saying you're wrong, 43 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,557 I just don't, like, understand the sucking back 44 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,592 into their bodies part of it. 45 00:02:15,644 --> 00:02:17,761 It's not like it's science suction, Bill Nye! 46 00:02:17,813 --> 00:02:18,896 (Both laughing) 47 00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:19,897 I'm just saying, 48 00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:22,099 the more room it has to present itself, 49 00:02:22,151 --> 00:02:23,901 the bigger a penis appears. 50 00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:25,602 Never forget this, okay? 51 00:02:25,654 --> 00:02:27,521 Every 10 pounds a guy loses, 52 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,156 he gains a visual inch. 53 00:02:29,241 --> 00:02:30,240 What, so it's like 54 00:02:30,276 --> 00:02:32,276 the best optical illusion of all time? 55 00:02:32,328 --> 00:02:33,327 Exactly. 56 00:02:33,412 --> 00:02:34,611 Like, um, Mount Rushmore, 57 00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:36,413 how it looks, you know, like the presidents? 58 00:02:38,834 --> 00:02:40,617 Well, Mount Rushmore is actually a sculpture. 59 00:02:40,669 --> 00:02:42,202 Like, it was carved by an artist. 60 00:02:42,288 --> 00:02:45,122 Dude, this heat is like killing me right now. 61 00:02:45,174 --> 00:02:46,340 I'm just dying. 62 00:02:46,425 --> 00:02:47,758 Oh, I love it. 63 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:48,959 All my senses are heightened, 64 00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,294 even my ethnic ambiguity. 65 00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,512 I was catcalled today 66 00:02:51,597 --> 00:02:53,097 in what I believe is creole. 67 00:02:53,132 --> 00:02:55,382 Well, I'm on the edge of like swamp ass right now. 68 00:02:55,468 --> 00:02:57,434 I need some A/C. 69 00:02:57,470 --> 00:02:58,469 70 00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:00,354 (Ilana) We're gonna have to throw these out. 71 00:03:01,474 --> 00:03:02,973 Here we go. 72 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:05,058 This lighting is incredible. 73 00:03:05,144 --> 00:03:06,610 Hey, do you have any tweezers? 74 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:09,113 Um, not on me, no. 75 00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,230 Ilana, did I tell you that 76 00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,366 male Stacey's cooking me dinner tonight? 77 00:03:12,451 --> 00:03:14,118 I mean, if I was a guy, 78 00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:15,786 that is what I would do for a girl. 79 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:18,238 You should check out the Colin Farrell sex tape, 80 00:03:18,324 --> 00:03:19,990 just to get back in the swing of things, 81 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,075 specifically 8:58. 82 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:23,544 He is feasting on her (Bleep) 83 00:03:23,629 --> 00:03:25,496 like it is a dang milk shake. 84 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,247 (Irish accent) It's me breakfast, 85 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,666 lunch, and (Bleep) dinner right here. 86 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:31,502 (Irish accent) 'Twas 8:58 you said, sire? 87 00:03:31,554 --> 00:03:32,636 Yes. 88 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:34,087 But then you're gonna want to swab the decks 89 00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:37,391 over to 9:44 for some master ass(Bleep) play. 90 00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:39,843 And then round it out at 12:47 with some 91 00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,763 good old-fashioned (Bleep) (Bleep). 92 00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,431 (Abbi) Oh. So sorry. 93 00:03:44,517 --> 00:03:46,850 We love New York moms. 94 00:03:46,902 --> 00:03:48,569 (Abbi) Um, I'm gonna buy these, 95 00:03:48,654 --> 00:03:50,988 because they're now, like, sort of part of my body. 96 00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,489 So... perfect. 97 00:03:55,327 --> 00:03:57,194 You said 8:58? 98 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,529 You're gonna like what you see. 99 00:03:58,614 --> 00:03:59,663 I guarantee it. 100 00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:05,452 101 00:04:05,538 --> 00:04:06,537 (Abbi) Yeah, so then they got divorced, 102 00:04:06,622 --> 00:04:08,872 but they're still really good friends. 103 00:04:08,958 --> 00:04:10,207 Yeah? My parents too. 104 00:04:10,259 --> 00:04:12,009 Divorced, still good friends. 105 00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,177 - So cool, right? - So cool. 106 00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:14,178 I hope to get married 107 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,212 just to get divorced one day. 108 00:04:15,264 --> 00:04:16,513 (Both laughing) 109 00:04:16,549 --> 00:04:17,798 I've gotta be honest, I'm kind of massively 110 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,349 regretting my decision to sizzle fajitas 111 00:04:19,385 --> 00:04:21,468 two inches from my head. 112 00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:23,554 But I'm glad I wore my awesome new shirt. 113 00:04:23,606 --> 00:04:24,471 It's like a smiley face. 114 00:04:24,557 --> 00:04:25,522 It... kind of like a smiley face. 115 00:04:25,558 --> 00:04:26,473 - It is! - Look at that. 116 00:04:26,559 --> 00:04:27,558 My plan is working. 117 00:04:27,610 --> 00:04:30,143 Get you over here, hide the A/C, 118 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,479 get those clothes off. 119 00:04:32,565 --> 00:04:34,448 You don't actually have an air conditioner, do you? 120 00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:36,783 No, I don't. 121 00:04:36,869 --> 00:04:38,285 Okay. (Chuckling) 122 00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:39,369 I'm gonna go. 123 00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:40,704 I think I'm gonna go wipe up... 124 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,406 I'm gonna go wipe my... 125 00:04:42,458 --> 00:04:43,707 I'm gonna pee. 126 00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:44,992 I'll pee and then you know what I'll do? 127 00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,410 I'll wipe... 128 00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:50,163 I'm gonna use the ladies' room. 129 00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,832 All right. 130 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,634 (Bleep), it's hot. 131 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:56,386 Oh. 132 00:04:57,673 --> 00:04:58,755 Okay. 133 00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,090 All right. Jesus, cool down. 134 00:05:00,142 --> 00:05:01,475 Just cool down, Abbi. 135 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:02,726 You're cool, you're cool. 136 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,011 You're cool. 137 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,680 You look good. You feel good. 138 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,266 That's cool. 139 00:05:09,318 --> 00:05:11,351 Cool mode. 140 00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:12,486 Here we go. 141 00:05:12,571 --> 00:05:14,571 (Hair dryer blowing) 142 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,779 (Toilet flushing) 143 00:05:24,083 --> 00:05:25,499 - Yo! - Hey! 144 00:05:25,584 --> 00:05:26,533 What up? 145 00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:27,584 - I just peed. - Yeah? 146 00:05:27,620 --> 00:05:29,369 - I've just been cooking. - Uh... 147 00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:30,787 I was thinking, maybe we forget about 148 00:05:30,839 --> 00:05:33,123 the fajitas, um, for a sec. 149 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,175 I have a fan in my room. 150 00:05:35,261 --> 00:05:38,128 Uh, that's where I sleep and do other stuff. 151 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:39,880 Cool. 152 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,598 (Ilana) Animated movies are where it's at. 153 00:05:41,634 --> 00:05:43,133 It's like visual crack. 154 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:44,968 Hey, my daughter loves "Frozen." 155 00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:46,386 - Watches it over and over... - (Ilana) Oh, yes. 156 00:05:46,472 --> 00:05:48,105 Looped and loop... she's frozen. 157 00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,106 (Ilana) Exactly. 158 00:05:49,141 --> 00:05:51,224 All Hollywood media is porn, 159 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:53,527 and all porn is kiddie porn. 160 00:05:53,612 --> 00:05:54,695 Ooh. 161 00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:57,281 We live in a rape culture, you know? We just do. 162 00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,282 I'm gonna run to the little girl's room. 163 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:01,652 That is rape culture language right there. 164 00:06:01,704 --> 00:06:03,904 Wow. Wow, wow, wow, oh. 165 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:04,988 Where'd you meet her, man? 166 00:06:05,074 --> 00:06:06,573 At a Foot Locker in Times Square. 167 00:06:06,659 --> 00:06:07,958 She was just hanging out. 168 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,077 She wasn't buying anything, she was just chilling. 169 00:06:12,798 --> 00:06:13,714 I'm gonna take your pants off. 170 00:06:13,799 --> 00:06:15,082 - Okay? Okay. - Okay. Okay. 171 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,083 - Okay. - They're just... 172 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,417 - Really tight. - Yep, little bit. 173 00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:18,502 I'm sorry. 174 00:06:18,554 --> 00:06:19,503 It's just because it's hot out. 175 00:06:19,555 --> 00:06:20,504 (Grunting) They're really on there. 176 00:06:20,556 --> 00:06:21,505 All right, I'm gonna hold the bed, 177 00:06:21,557 --> 00:06:22,639 - you just pull, okay? - Okay, on three. 178 00:06:22,675 --> 00:06:23,974 (Both) One, two... 179 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,559 - Three. - Oh, no. 180 00:06:25,644 --> 00:06:27,060 Oh, no. 181 00:06:27,146 --> 00:06:30,180 Did you have an accident or something? 182 00:06:30,232 --> 00:06:31,231 When you went to the bathroom, 183 00:06:31,317 --> 00:06:32,733 to wipe yourself up earlier... 184 00:06:32,818 --> 00:06:34,685 - I was peeing. - I... I got major swamp ass, 185 00:06:34,737 --> 00:06:36,103 and I started to shove paper towels 186 00:06:36,188 --> 00:06:37,854 in my butt crack to try to absorb it, 187 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,324 and I just realized that they're still in there. 188 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,442 So, let's just pause. Let's just pause. 189 00:06:42,528 --> 00:06:43,410 - Okay? - Okay. 190 00:06:43,495 --> 00:06:44,528 - Just give me one second. - All right. 191 00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:51,952 That's a lot of paper towels. 192 00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:53,787 Do you recycle? 193 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,455 I make more eye contact with this face 194 00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,040 than any human being's face. 195 00:06:57,092 --> 00:06:58,041 It's crazy. 196 00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,043 I love "watching" it. 197 00:07:00,095 --> 00:07:03,430 (Laughter) 198 00:07:03,515 --> 00:07:05,215 Happy Birthday! 199 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,383 - (Scattered applause) - Whose birthday is it? 200 00:07:06,435 --> 00:07:07,801 Very funny. 201 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,937 Oh, it's a tooth cake? 202 00:07:14,510 --> 00:07:16,693 Yup. Happy Birthday! 203 00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:18,061 Get up, yeah. 204 00:07:18,113 --> 00:07:20,280 Birthday boy, and we all knew it... 205 00:07:20,366 --> 00:07:21,198 - Yeah. - Huh? 206 00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:30,907 Oh, Abbi. 207 00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:31,875 Stacey, yeah, it's so good. 208 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:32,876 Oh, Abbi. That's good. 209 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,244 I feel crazy. I feel... 210 00:07:34,296 --> 00:07:35,579 Me too. It's so crazy. 211 00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:36,913 I really feel... 212 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,081 I feel really... 213 00:07:38,133 --> 00:07:39,166 Ah. 214 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,251 Ah, Stacey. That's so good. 215 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,719 Stacey. 216 00:07:42,755 --> 00:07:44,471 Stacey! 217 00:07:44,556 --> 00:07:45,189 Stace? 218 00:07:45,274 --> 00:07:46,723 Male Stacey! 219 00:07:46,759 --> 00:07:48,675 Male Stacey! 220 00:07:49,895 --> 00:07:50,761 Oh, (Bleep). 221 00:07:51,881 --> 00:07:52,796 (Jackhammer pounding) 222 00:07:52,832 --> 00:07:54,081 (Shouting) So, to clarify, you raped... 223 00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:55,215 - (jackhammer stops) - (Speaking) Ooh. 224 00:07:55,301 --> 00:07:56,800 You raped him. 225 00:07:56,836 --> 00:07:58,385 No, no. 226 00:07:58,471 --> 00:08:00,170 He passed out from the heat. 227 00:08:00,222 --> 00:08:01,922 He seriously wanted it. 228 00:08:02,007 --> 00:08:05,559 Ooh! That is literally what "they" say. 229 00:08:05,644 --> 00:08:07,311 Yeah, but I really mean it. 230 00:08:07,346 --> 00:08:08,979 So do "they." 231 00:08:09,014 --> 00:08:10,013 Well, I... 232 00:08:10,065 --> 00:08:13,684 Dude, did you... finish? 233 00:08:14,937 --> 00:08:16,570 My God, I raped him, dude. 234 00:08:16,655 --> 00:08:18,021 I... I raped male Stacey. 235 00:08:18,107 --> 00:08:19,239 - I'm a monster. - Wow. 236 00:08:19,325 --> 00:08:20,190 I need an air conditioner, immediately! 237 00:08:20,276 --> 00:08:22,910 Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! 238 00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:25,195 239 00:08:25,317 --> 00:08:27,601 They moved the fans. Good call. 240 00:08:27,686 --> 00:08:28,936 You know, I was gonna say something, 241 00:08:28,988 --> 00:08:30,320 but I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, you know, 242 00:08:30,406 --> 00:08:32,239 'cause like, I don't work here. 243 00:08:32,274 --> 00:08:33,607 Why don't you work here? 244 00:08:33,692 --> 00:08:35,859 You don't (Bleep) where you eat. 245 00:08:35,945 --> 00:08:37,661 Ooh, turbie twist. 246 00:08:37,746 --> 00:08:38,662 You think Lincoln would want 247 00:08:38,747 --> 00:08:39,830 one of these for his birthday? 248 00:08:39,915 --> 00:08:41,865 Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair. 249 00:08:41,951 --> 00:08:43,333 (Clicking tongue) Ugh, right. 250 00:08:43,419 --> 00:08:44,368 - Right? - Right, right, right. 251 00:08:44,453 --> 00:08:45,919 - Yeah. Hmm. - Yep, you're right. 252 00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:46,920 You know what? Follow me. 253 00:08:46,956 --> 00:08:48,121 We'll check out the ravioli attachments 254 00:08:48,207 --> 00:08:49,373 for his pasta maker. 255 00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:51,925 Lincoln has a pasta maker? No way. 256 00:08:51,961 --> 00:08:52,960 Yeah, you don't know about this? 257 00:08:53,012 --> 00:08:54,044 The homemade pasta. 258 00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:55,629 He makes a different kind every Sunday night. 259 00:08:55,714 --> 00:08:56,763 It's on his blog. 260 00:08:56,799 --> 00:08:57,864 What blog? 261 00:08:57,933 --> 00:08:59,716 "The Al Dente Dentist." 262 00:08:59,802 --> 00:09:01,351 Do you not talk to Lincoln? 263 00:09:01,437 --> 00:09:03,020 It should be called "The Al Dentist." 264 00:09:03,105 --> 00:09:04,187 No, we don't... 265 00:09:04,273 --> 00:09:05,722 we don't talk. We hook up, 266 00:09:05,808 --> 00:09:06,773 I smoke him up, we watch TV. 267 00:09:06,809 --> 00:09:07,724 It's great. 268 00:09:07,810 --> 00:09:09,226 Abbi! 269 00:09:09,376 --> 00:09:12,177 You come here, you don't come find me in flatware? 270 00:09:12,212 --> 00:09:14,012 Come on! Oh, ho, ho, ho! 271 00:09:14,048 --> 00:09:15,013 Wow! 272 00:09:15,049 --> 00:09:16,181 (Both) Hmm. 273 00:09:16,216 --> 00:09:18,633 Here we go. This is it. 274 00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,385 Whew! 275 00:09:20,471 --> 00:09:21,887 Yes. 276 00:09:21,939 --> 00:09:24,139 Whoo! Right. 277 00:09:24,224 --> 00:09:26,358 - Blam! (Scatting) - I'm just gonna... 278 00:09:28,395 --> 00:09:29,561 Oh, my God. 279 00:09:29,646 --> 00:09:31,146 Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. 280 00:09:33,567 --> 00:09:35,650 All right. Thank you, guys. 281 00:09:35,736 --> 00:09:37,235 Thank you so much. 282 00:09:37,287 --> 00:09:39,371 - Whoa! - Oh, ho, ho! 283 00:09:39,406 --> 00:09:41,790 - Holler at me, Abbi! - (Laughing) 284 00:09:42,993 --> 00:09:44,042 - Good to see you, Abbi. - Oh, I'll see you. 285 00:09:44,078 --> 00:09:45,127 How often do you come in here? 286 00:09:45,212 --> 00:09:46,411 Not that much. 287 00:09:46,497 --> 00:09:48,080 Well, look what the cat dragged in. 288 00:09:48,132 --> 00:09:49,548 - Hey. - All right. 289 00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:51,133 Oh, my God. 290 00:09:53,170 --> 00:09:55,087 The planning this takes is unbelievable. 291 00:09:55,172 --> 00:09:56,588 - This is incredible. - What's going on? 292 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,256 Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me. 293 00:09:58,308 --> 00:09:59,558 (Both laughing) 294 00:09:59,593 --> 00:10:01,259 - Hi, pretty lady! - What's up? 295 00:10:01,311 --> 00:10:02,561 - What is up? - Oh, look... 296 00:10:02,596 --> 00:10:03,729 - Okay. - You know what? 297 00:10:03,764 --> 00:10:04,679 I've got a cutting board with your name on it. 298 00:10:04,765 --> 00:10:05,931 - Stunning. - No! 299 00:10:05,983 --> 00:10:06,932 No, really, I've been calling it "the Abbi." 300 00:10:06,984 --> 00:10:07,849 - Great. - Oh! 301 00:10:07,935 --> 00:10:09,484 You go do that. 302 00:10:09,570 --> 00:10:11,269 I will get an air conditioner. 303 00:10:11,321 --> 00:10:13,655 Meet you back on the thing. 304 00:10:15,242 --> 00:10:16,274 - This feels great. - It is so good. 305 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:17,943 It's an investment, you know? Right? 306 00:10:17,995 --> 00:10:19,444 I'll look for a cab on the side streets, 307 00:10:19,530 --> 00:10:20,529 you take the avenue. 308 00:10:20,614 --> 00:10:22,164 - Genius. All angles. - Whoo! 309 00:10:24,451 --> 00:10:25,534 Come on, New York! 310 00:10:26,954 --> 00:10:29,838 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Brb! 311 00:10:29,923 --> 00:10:31,289 Ab, I got one! 312 00:10:31,375 --> 00:10:33,008 Right back here! Are you (Bleep) kidding me? 313 00:10:33,093 --> 00:10:34,760 Oh, my God! What the... 314 00:10:35,879 --> 00:10:38,213 (bleep)! 315 00:10:38,298 --> 00:10:39,214 What do you think about this 316 00:10:39,299 --> 00:10:40,682 for my Facebook status update? 317 00:10:40,768 --> 00:10:43,852 "Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap. 318 00:10:43,937 --> 00:10:44,936 Thanks. Bye, guys." 319 00:10:44,972 --> 00:10:46,021 "Bye, guys" is my favorite part. 320 00:10:46,106 --> 00:10:47,472 I love that. I want more you. 321 00:10:47,558 --> 00:10:48,807 I want more panache. 322 00:10:48,859 --> 00:10:51,309 I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz. 323 00:10:51,361 --> 00:10:52,227 Eww, okay. 324 00:10:54,364 --> 00:10:56,865 Maybe Lincoln would want an avocado for his birthday? 325 00:10:56,950 --> 00:10:58,650 Or like a bag of avocados? 326 00:10:58,735 --> 00:10:59,785 No. 327 00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:04,406 Sent into... cloud. 328 00:11:04,491 --> 00:11:06,241 Whoa, dude, I got two responses already. 329 00:11:06,326 --> 00:11:08,710 Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. 330 00:11:08,796 --> 00:11:12,497 They are like up Facebook's butthole, no shame! 331 00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:14,332 Okay, one is from my old babysitter. 332 00:11:14,384 --> 00:11:15,417 Whoa. 333 00:11:15,502 --> 00:11:16,501 Who, if I'm being honest, 334 00:11:16,553 --> 00:11:18,170 potentially broke up my parents. 335 00:11:18,255 --> 00:11:20,172 - Whoa! - So, no. 336 00:11:20,224 --> 00:11:22,224 The second one's Benny Calitri. 337 00:11:22,309 --> 00:11:23,592 Who's Benny Calitri? 338 00:11:23,677 --> 00:11:25,177 I have one mutual friend. 339 00:11:25,229 --> 00:11:27,729 (Humming) 340 00:11:27,815 --> 00:11:30,098 (Phone vibrating) 341 00:11:30,184 --> 00:11:31,516 Hello? 342 00:11:31,568 --> 00:11:33,185 Hey, Bevers. Who's Benny Calitri? 343 00:11:33,237 --> 00:11:34,853 - Do I know him? - Yes! 344 00:11:34,905 --> 00:11:36,354 Remember you had that party, 345 00:11:36,406 --> 00:11:38,023 you told me I couldn't bring a "plus one"? 346 00:11:38,108 --> 00:11:39,691 He was my "plus one"! 347 00:11:39,743 --> 00:11:40,859 - Great, thanks. - He's one of my best friends. 348 00:11:40,944 --> 00:11:42,160 Did you guys... 349 00:11:44,198 --> 00:11:46,581 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 350 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,500 Mmm, mmm, mmm! 351 00:11:48,535 --> 00:11:51,203 Mm... uh-oh! (Laughing) 352 00:11:51,255 --> 00:11:54,673 (Humming) 353 00:11:54,708 --> 00:11:56,541 You know, I've never been to this neighborhood before, 354 00:11:56,627 --> 00:12:00,212 but I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist! 355 00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:02,631 Okay. All right. 356 00:12:02,716 --> 00:12:03,598 - Listen, Ab... - That I am. 357 00:12:03,684 --> 00:12:05,217 It's reverse rapism. 358 00:12:05,269 --> 00:12:06,635 You are raping rape culture. 359 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:07,769 Yes! 360 00:12:07,855 --> 00:12:09,221 - Hey, I'm Benny. - Yeah. 361 00:12:09,306 --> 00:12:10,522 We've actually met before. 362 00:12:10,557 --> 00:12:11,556 Yeah, I'm sorry, I wasn't talking to you guys. 363 00:12:11,608 --> 00:12:13,058 I'm doing my testimonial 364 00:12:13,110 --> 00:12:14,643 for my "Amazing Race" submission. 365 00:12:15,863 --> 00:12:17,279 I'm just a guy looking for a challenge 366 00:12:17,364 --> 00:12:18,897 that'll change his life forever. 367 00:12:20,033 --> 00:12:21,399 - Yes? - So, yeah. 368 00:12:21,451 --> 00:12:22,901 Thank you so much for this A/C. 369 00:12:22,986 --> 00:12:24,703 If there's anything I can do to repay you... 370 00:12:24,738 --> 00:12:26,621 Actually, if you guys want to carry boxes 371 00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:27,956 to the truck, that'd be great. 372 00:12:28,041 --> 00:12:29,040 - I guess. - Okay. 373 00:12:30,377 --> 00:12:31,710 A couple of my best friends showed up. 374 00:12:31,745 --> 00:12:34,079 Even though they were pretty stacked, 375 00:12:34,131 --> 00:12:35,714 I've got to keep my eye on the prize... 376 00:12:35,749 --> 00:12:37,716 "The Amazing Race"! 377 00:12:37,751 --> 00:12:41,670 378 00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:56,101 Thanks so much, guys. 379 00:12:56,153 --> 00:12:58,403 You really pulled my butt out of the fire. 380 00:12:58,438 --> 00:12:59,854 Yeah, thanks for... 381 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:00,772 One question... why do you guys 382 00:13:00,824 --> 00:13:01,823 want a broken air conditioner? 383 00:13:01,909 --> 00:13:02,941 What? 384 00:13:02,993 --> 00:13:04,326 Your post said, and I quote, 385 00:13:04,411 --> 00:13:07,028 "broke-ass girl looking for an A/C to match." 386 00:13:07,114 --> 00:13:08,246 Why would I ever want a broken air conditioner? 387 00:13:08,282 --> 00:13:09,948 (Bleep)! (Bleep) me! 388 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,533 I'm not big into slang, 389 00:13:11,618 --> 00:13:13,618 but I assumed "broke-ass" means "broken"? 390 00:13:13,704 --> 00:13:15,453 Okay, I know you guys are annoyed right now... 391 00:13:15,505 --> 00:13:16,621 I'm great at reading vibes... 392 00:13:16,707 --> 00:13:19,124 but are either of you good at bungee jumping, 393 00:13:19,209 --> 00:13:20,709 or can drive a stick shift? 394 00:13:20,794 --> 00:13:21,960 I need someone for "Amazing Race" 395 00:13:22,012 --> 00:13:23,295 because my mom just pulled out. 396 00:13:23,380 --> 00:13:25,547 Maybe your dad should have pulled out. 397 00:13:25,632 --> 00:13:26,848 Whoa, dude. 398 00:13:26,934 --> 00:13:28,350 - That was awesome. - I just thought of that. 399 00:13:28,435 --> 00:13:29,351 I don't get it. 400 00:13:29,436 --> 00:13:30,518 Why don't you take Bevers? 401 00:13:30,604 --> 00:13:31,853 Oh, he can't. 402 00:13:31,939 --> 00:13:32,804 He's got all those kittens to take care of. 403 00:13:32,856 --> 00:13:33,972 What kittens? 404 00:13:34,024 --> 00:13:36,641 - Oh, drama. - What? 405 00:13:36,727 --> 00:13:38,393 Drama seems to follow me wherever I go, 406 00:13:38,478 --> 00:13:39,477 especially when I'm with the ladies... 407 00:13:39,529 --> 00:13:41,863 Stop talking now, please! 408 00:13:41,949 --> 00:13:44,816 Stop doing your lame-o video! 409 00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:47,235 You're not gonna make it! 410 00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:48,920 Can we try that again without you guys yelling? 411 00:13:50,476 --> 00:13:51,725 This is gonna work. 412 00:13:51,811 --> 00:13:53,360 I left my air conditioner here last year 413 00:13:53,446 --> 00:13:55,896 when I graduated. It's technically still mine. 414 00:13:55,982 --> 00:13:56,981 It's like when a mom 415 00:13:57,066 --> 00:13:58,449 gives up a baby for adoption, 416 00:13:58,484 --> 00:13:59,650 she should be able to go 417 00:13:59,702 --> 00:14:01,786 and get that baby back whenever she pleases. 418 00:14:01,821 --> 00:14:04,321 I can't... I can't get into adoption with you again. 419 00:14:04,373 --> 00:14:06,740 It's... smart. Smart. 420 00:14:08,377 --> 00:14:09,326 (Ilana) Hello, sir! 421 00:14:09,378 --> 00:14:10,661 I'm gonna sign my friend in here. 422 00:14:12,415 --> 00:14:13,464 This is expired. 423 00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:17,635 Oh, I see. We are loving lesbians, 424 00:14:17,670 --> 00:14:19,336 so this is because we're clearly lesbians? 425 00:14:19,388 --> 00:14:20,554 Okay. 426 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:22,890 'Cause your hetero-normative notion... 427 00:14:22,975 --> 00:14:24,141 I don't care if you're lesbians. 428 00:14:25,428 --> 00:14:26,510 Okay. 429 00:14:26,596 --> 00:14:28,729 I guess it's because we're straight, then? 430 00:14:28,815 --> 00:14:30,648 Because we're a minority in our class, 431 00:14:30,683 --> 00:14:32,066 we shouldn't be treated equally? 432 00:14:32,151 --> 00:14:35,986 The straight girls of 2015 shafted yet again! 433 00:14:36,022 --> 00:14:39,023 You kids are all straight, and you're all gay. 434 00:14:39,075 --> 00:14:40,357 Thank you. 435 00:14:40,443 --> 00:14:42,243 Thank you, sir. 436 00:14:42,328 --> 00:14:43,577 (Abbi) Okay, we'll just do the thing, 437 00:14:43,663 --> 00:14:45,196 get in, get out. We got this. 438 00:14:45,248 --> 00:14:46,697 Yes, we got this. (Grunting) 439 00:14:50,369 --> 00:14:52,002 Guys, some lady and her mom are here. 440 00:14:52,038 --> 00:14:53,204 (Ilana) Good one. 441 00:14:53,289 --> 00:14:54,672 - What are you, a comedian? - Pretty much. 442 00:14:54,707 --> 00:14:56,457 My uncle is Adam Corolla. 443 00:14:57,593 --> 00:14:58,592 (Whispering) That's it. 444 00:14:59,879 --> 00:15:01,679 (Abbi) Okay, we're your new R.A.s, 445 00:15:01,714 --> 00:15:04,098 so I'd cut it with the douche-fest, asap. 446 00:15:04,183 --> 00:15:05,966 This is a spontaneous room raid. 447 00:15:06,052 --> 00:15:07,935 Whoo! 448 00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:09,053 Guys, we don't want any trouble. 449 00:15:09,105 --> 00:15:10,688 I'm hoping, boys, 450 00:15:10,723 --> 00:15:12,806 that we don't find any contraband in here, 451 00:15:12,892 --> 00:15:14,808 'cause that would not be good for you. 452 00:15:14,894 --> 00:15:16,560 Uh-oh. Mini-fridge. 453 00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:20,898 (Gasping) Hey, now! 454 00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:23,317 What do we got here? 455 00:15:23,402 --> 00:15:24,902 Mad vodka, huh? 456 00:15:24,954 --> 00:15:26,403 Good stuff, huh? 457 00:15:26,489 --> 00:15:27,571 And it's also against the rules. 458 00:15:27,657 --> 00:15:29,490 Strike uno! 459 00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:31,458 (Abbi) Lordy, lordy! 460 00:15:31,544 --> 00:15:32,826 (Laughing) 461 00:15:32,912 --> 00:15:34,495 Janet's 40! 462 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:38,215 This is... stah-rike two! 463 00:15:38,251 --> 00:15:39,800 (Sniffing) 464 00:15:39,886 --> 00:15:41,418 (Abbi) What is it, girl? What is it? 465 00:15:41,470 --> 00:15:44,171 - Smell something? - (Sniffing) 466 00:15:44,257 --> 00:15:45,306 (Gasping) 467 00:15:45,391 --> 00:15:47,007 Lordy, lordy. 468 00:15:47,093 --> 00:15:51,512 Janet just turned 40! 469 00:15:51,597 --> 00:15:52,680 What the crap is that? 470 00:15:52,765 --> 00:15:53,814 This is strike three. 471 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:55,099 Honestly, that's not ours. 472 00:15:55,151 --> 00:15:57,351 Yeah, who would leave weed in a wall, anyway? 473 00:15:57,436 --> 00:15:59,570 (Mocking) Who would leave weed in a wall? 474 00:15:59,605 --> 00:16:01,155 A weed genius! 475 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:02,773 And she'd leave it there indefinitely, 476 00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:05,442 in case of emergency. 477 00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:08,946 This is a serious violation of the ethics code 478 00:16:08,998 --> 00:16:12,249 our dear university abides by. 479 00:16:12,285 --> 00:16:16,120 I'm sorry, but as R.A.s, we've got to report you. 480 00:16:17,373 --> 00:16:19,790 Hold on, Ilana. Hold on, hold on. 481 00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:21,458 I don't think the head R.A. needs 482 00:16:21,544 --> 00:16:22,793 to find out about this. 483 00:16:22,845 --> 00:16:24,178 It's their first violation. 484 00:16:24,263 --> 00:16:26,964 Maybe we just revoke the A/C privileges, you know? 485 00:16:27,049 --> 00:16:28,515 Call it a day. 486 00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:30,134 I guess that's fair. Deal. 487 00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,969 Guys, seriously, the weed isn't ours. 488 00:16:32,021 --> 00:16:33,137 - It's not ours. - Also... 489 00:16:33,189 --> 00:16:34,555 What does this have to do with the A/C? 490 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,307 (Abbi) These are the rules, and when you graduate 491 00:16:36,359 --> 00:16:37,608 and get a real job like an R.A., 492 00:16:37,643 --> 00:16:38,809 we can talk about it. 493 00:16:38,861 --> 00:16:41,145 - R.A.s are students. - When you graduate, 494 00:16:41,230 --> 00:16:43,731 we can talk about what an R.A. is and isn't, 495 00:16:43,816 --> 00:16:46,150 and whether or not we are students. 496 00:16:46,202 --> 00:16:50,788 While my partner in justice 497 00:16:50,823 --> 00:16:52,990 removes your A/C, 498 00:16:53,075 --> 00:16:56,660 I'm gonna teach you boys about the dangers 499 00:16:56,712 --> 00:16:58,412 of ripping underaged bongs. 500 00:16:58,497 --> 00:17:00,047 Now, you take this, brother. 501 00:17:00,132 --> 00:17:02,333 You're gonna smoke the whole bag. 502 00:17:02,418 --> 00:17:03,884 You're first, little buddy. 503 00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:06,220 - Now, suck it up. - (Bong bubbling) 504 00:17:06,305 --> 00:17:08,005 That's it. And here we go. 505 00:17:08,090 --> 00:17:11,925 506 00:17:42,875 --> 00:17:44,842 (Ilana) Yeah, I invented this app... 507 00:17:44,877 --> 00:17:48,295 Well, okay, I didn't invent it yet, but soon. 508 00:17:48,381 --> 00:17:51,932 It's this photo app that, um, adds lasers to images, 509 00:17:52,018 --> 00:17:54,601 so you could put lasers coming out of eyes, 510 00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:56,553 or nipples, or buttholes. 511 00:17:56,605 --> 00:17:57,721 That'd be pretty cool, 512 00:17:57,773 --> 00:17:59,023 if it wasn't already an app. 513 00:17:59,058 --> 00:18:00,391 Ugh. 514 00:18:00,443 --> 00:18:02,109 Wow, you hands are big. 515 00:18:02,194 --> 00:18:03,394 I don't know what that mean... 516 00:18:03,479 --> 00:18:06,063 I could say something, like "big hands," or... 517 00:18:06,115 --> 00:18:07,064 Right? (Chuckling) 518 00:18:07,116 --> 00:18:08,365 (Laughing) 519 00:18:08,401 --> 00:18:09,366 Stop it. 520 00:18:09,402 --> 00:18:11,151 You're so funny. 521 00:18:11,237 --> 00:18:12,619 Have you ever heard of Bleepy? 522 00:18:12,705 --> 00:18:14,538 Of course! Bleepy is huge! 523 00:18:14,573 --> 00:18:16,323 Well, I invented that. 524 00:18:16,409 --> 00:18:17,741 - No! - It's obviously 525 00:18:17,827 --> 00:18:20,461 not my only capitalist venture at this time. 526 00:18:20,546 --> 00:18:22,579 Eww. 527 00:18:22,631 --> 00:18:24,248 Whoa, look at that. 528 00:18:27,136 --> 00:18:28,252 Dude. 529 00:18:28,304 --> 00:18:30,838 I'm definitely applying here next year. 530 00:18:30,923 --> 00:18:33,307 Wait, I thought you said you're a senior. 531 00:18:33,392 --> 00:18:35,926 I am, at Morristown Prep Academy. 532 00:18:37,396 --> 00:18:39,063 Okay. 533 00:18:39,098 --> 00:18:43,901 So, how... old are you? 534 00:18:43,936 --> 00:18:45,903 16. 535 00:18:45,938 --> 00:18:47,606 Oh, I've done it again. 536 00:18:49,478 --> 00:18:50,561 I'm a repeated sex offender. 537 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:51,729 I'm a monster, 538 00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,097 and I just have to deal with that, so... 539 00:18:53,182 --> 00:18:54,315 Okay, okay. 540 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,401 So, you made out with a minor. 541 00:18:57,436 --> 00:19:00,854 You finished a couple of moments 542 00:19:00,940 --> 00:19:02,606 after a dude went unconscious. 543 00:19:02,658 --> 00:19:04,608 You're a sex offender at worst! 544 00:19:04,694 --> 00:19:06,660 - Welcome to the club. - (Scoffing) 545 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:07,745 - Honestly. - There's a club? 546 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,779 I didn't know there was a club. 547 00:19:08,864 --> 00:19:10,114 Yeah, it's, uh... (Laughing) 548 00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:11,332 It's not hard to get into. 549 00:19:11,417 --> 00:19:11,582 (Both laughing) 550 00:19:14,199 --> 00:19:17,083 And very, very Happy Birthday. 551 00:19:17,169 --> 00:19:18,752 Thank you. 552 00:19:18,837 --> 00:19:20,620 - "Reginald corolla"? - Yeah. 553 00:19:20,705 --> 00:19:24,924 This asshole's got $3,600 on his meal card. 554 00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:26,876 That's awesome, 'cause my office 555 00:19:26,928 --> 00:19:29,095 is right around the corner from an NYU dining hall. 556 00:19:29,181 --> 00:19:30,880 - That's amazing. - I love it. 557 00:19:30,966 --> 00:19:34,134 I am honored and thrilled 558 00:19:34,219 --> 00:19:35,969 that you would steal something for me. 559 00:19:36,054 --> 00:19:38,054 - I feel like a fugitive. - Yeah? 560 00:19:38,106 --> 00:19:41,141 And if anyone asks, I'll say... 561 00:19:41,226 --> 00:19:42,642 the one-armed man took it. 562 00:19:42,727 --> 00:19:43,943 (Both laughing) 563 00:19:45,397 --> 00:19:47,230 Yes. 564 00:19:47,315 --> 00:19:48,782 You don't get it, do you? 565 00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:50,400 No, I don't get it at all. 566 00:19:50,485 --> 00:19:52,452 (Both laughing) 567 00:19:55,207 --> 00:19:57,657 Ooh, you guys are gonna have to thank Aunt Abbi 568 00:19:57,742 --> 00:19:59,242 for your comfy new bed. 569 00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:00,910 That's her sweatshirt. 570 00:20:00,996 --> 00:20:03,046 We're a happy family, right? 571 00:20:03,081 --> 00:20:05,415 You got me, daddy-maddy. 572 00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,250 You got Odysseus, 573 00:20:07,302 --> 00:20:11,137 Medusa, Artemis, Hermes. 574 00:20:11,223 --> 00:20:13,173 You got Drew... 575 00:20:13,258 --> 00:20:14,257 Drew? 576 00:20:14,342 --> 00:20:17,260 Guys, where is Drew? 577 00:20:17,312 --> 00:20:18,695 Drew! 578 00:20:18,763 --> 00:20:20,814 It is so nice in here! 579 00:20:20,899 --> 00:20:21,981 - So good. - It's so good! 580 00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:23,233 - I feel amazing. - It's amazing. 581 00:20:23,268 --> 00:20:24,234 It's like a whole other apartment. 582 00:20:24,269 --> 00:20:25,268 It is, right? 583 00:20:25,353 --> 00:20:26,269 Like a whole 'nother apartment, yeah. 584 00:20:26,321 --> 00:20:27,437 Yes. Yes! 585 00:20:27,522 --> 00:20:28,571 - (Coughing) - So good. 586 00:20:28,607 --> 00:20:29,572 So good. 587 00:20:29,608 --> 00:20:31,024 So good! 588 00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,693 (Kitten meowing) 589 00:20:33,778 --> 00:20:34,661 (Kitten meowing) 590 00:20:35,864 --> 00:20:37,497 (Together) Holy (Bleep)! 591 00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:40,116 (Bleep)! 592 00:20:40,168 --> 00:20:41,868 Who the (Bleep) are you? 593 00:20:41,953 --> 00:20:43,169 (Stacey) How did you get in here? 594 00:20:43,255 --> 00:20:45,922 How did you get into my apartment? 595 00:20:45,957 --> 00:20:47,507 (Abbi) You're sitting here watching us? 596 00:20:47,592 --> 00:20:48,791 You (Bleep) perv! 597 00:20:48,792 --> 00:20:51,530 Get in that box! 598 00:20:51,531 --> 00:20:53,575 No, you got some explaining to do! 599 00:20:53,576 --> 00:20:54,945 Are you sure that's even a cat? 600 00:20:54,946 --> 00:20:59,946 - synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 601 00:20:59,996 --> 00:21:04,546 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39851

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