All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s01e04 Zeldas.eng

1x04 - Zoes and Zeldas

And he says... he says,
"Why the long face?"

And I say, "Hey, buddy, I can't help it."

You get that? Long face.
Horses have long faces.

I am a horse, my face is
long. You get it, right?

Good, good.

What about the Rock Hudson stuff?

Felt like that flew over your heads.
Did you get that?

Keep this up, and the
only thing we're gonna get

is our money back!

Okay, okay, it wasn't that funny.

Maybe you didn't get it.

Uh, hey, guys, guys...

- Hey, let me buy you a drink.
- Get cancer, jerk wad.

You've got some good
material, you really do.

The Gorbachev stuff, it's killer.

But you gotta stop asking
people if they get things.

- But then who do I know if they got it?
- They'll laugh.

Why are you giving me advice?

Look, I've been doing
stand-up for a year now,

and it's the responsibility
of big shots like me

to always be looking
out for the little guy.

- Let me buy you a drink.
- Oh, I don't drink.

- BoJack Horseman.
- Herb Kazazz.

Oh, God!

Goddamn it, Todd, clean up your shit.

What am I supposed to do, okay?

You don't give me any closet space.

Not my problem. A better man
than you once said, and I quote,

"It's the responsibility
of little guys like you

to be looking out for big shots like me."

Who said that?

I don't know, Jesus,
Ghandi, Malcolm-Jamal Warner.

Clean up your shit! Oh!

Gloria Steinem, one of the
leading lights of modern feminism.

You will surely go down
in the annals of history

just as surely as Lisa Lampanelli

will go down in the locker
room of the Houston Rockets.

Hey, BoJack, settle a bet.

- Are you a Zoe or a Zelda?
- Don't know what that means.

Well, I was talking to Wayne.

- Who's Wayne?
- I'm Wayne.

Wayne's writing an article
about me for BuzzFeed.

BuzzFeed?
What'll they think of next?

Fun fact: Wayne is also my ex-boyfriend.

Ha! You're funny.

Pretty cool, eh, BoJack?

Diane's writing a book about you,

Wayne's writing an article about me.
We're the same!

How could you think that that's the same?

My book will be in libraries
for hundreds of years.

Your BuzzFeed article will be crammed

between an animated GIF
of a cat falling asleep

and a list of fun facts
about Legally Blonde.

- Ha! Classic Zoe.
- I still don't know what that means.

Well, are you familiar with
Mr. Peanutbutter's House?

Do you mean his sitcom that coincidentally

had the exact same premise as my sitcom?

Not the exact same.
Mr. Peanutbutter's House

featured a pair of twins, Zoe and Zelda.

Zelda was the sunny, fun-loving extrovert.

- Look at my pumpkin, Mr. Peanutbutter.
- Pretty smile, Zelly-belly.

Aww...

Whereas Zoe was the
smart, cynical introvert.

My pumpkin's throwing up because
Halloween encourages excessive

consumption of refined sugar at a
time when obesity rates are sky high.

Plus, Halloween costumes are
a gateway to casual racism.

Why don't I keep the knife, Zo-bo?

♪ Who's that dog? ♪

♪ Mr. Peanutbutter ♪

♪ Knick-knack, paddywhack
Give a dog a bone ♪

Now, was the show's acting ham-fisted
and the writing moronic?

- N-n-no?
- Yes, but the Zoe/Zelda paradigm rang true.

I believe everyone's
either a Zoe or a Zelda.

For example, Nixon was a
Zoe and Kennedy, a Zelda.

Al Gore, Zoe.
George W. Bush, total Zelda.

It's R2-D2 and C-3PO,
Zooey and Emily Deschanel.

So Zooey's a Zoe?

No, Zooey's a Zelda.
Emily's the Zoe.

What a crazy world.

- So which one are you, BoJack?
- I think I'm... above this.

Said the Zoe.

Well, I think I'm a Zelda.

Or maybe you're the third kind of person,

whose only function is to
drain the energy and life force

- from his host organism.
- Come on, BoJack.

Nah, he's right.
I'm pretty much worthless.

See? You say something
to someone enough times,

and eventually, he internalizes it.

The system works.

I don't have a job, I
don't have any prospects.

I probably won't ever finish
the rock opera I'm working on.

What?

Since when are you working on a rock opera?

Oh, no. Why'd I ask that?

Basically, it's Tommy by
way of Cirque du Soleil

set in space,
with heavy erotic overtones,

and the gripping psychodrama of a thriller

with plenty of heart and
more than a little humor.

I call it Newtopia Rising, Book 1:

- The Search for a New Utopia.
- Book 1?

You've got me thinking sequel here.

Ugh.

♪ Traveling on a spaceship ♪

- I'm in.
- I'm out.

♪ So far away from home ♪

♪ To find a new and better place ♪

♪ A planet rich with loam ♪

- Loam? "Rich with loam?"
- Yeah, it's a kind of soil.

These people are simple,
agricultural types.

On a spaceship?

♪ We learned a lot
And had some laughs ♪

♪ But they couldn't make us slaves ♪

♪ No! No, they couldn't
make us slaves ♪

No!
No, they could-n-n-n't

Make u-u-u-us

♪ One, two ♪

"Slaves." Just say "slaves."

♪ Sla-a-a-a-a-a-aves ♪

That was...
and I don't say this lightly...

worse than a hundred September 11ths.

Yeah, you're right.
This was stupid.

I don't know what I was thinking.

- Well, guess I'll give up forever.
- That's the spirit.

Now, you have to understand
that as a port city,

Liverpool had unique access to
all aspects of American culture,

especially Blues music and its
unruly nephew, Rock and Roll.

I thought this story was about
running into Paul McCartney

in the bathroom at the Golden Globes.

It is. I thought you would
appreciate some context.

Let's skip that one for a minute.

- Tell me about Todd.
- Todd? What's to tell?

Five years ago, he found his way into

one of my house parties and never left.

And you've never asked
him anything about himself?

I've asked him to get a job,
I've asked him to move out.

With a little encouragement,
I'll bet he could really flourish.

I mean, didn't you have
anyone who helped you

- when you were just starting out?
- Um, actually, no.

Todd clearly thinks the world of you.

Todd thinks the world of Pop-Tarts.

Look, I get that helping other
people is not your thing, but...

What? I let Todd live
rent-free in my stately manse.

I am his own personal Mother Teresa.

But do you let him stay
here because you're kind

or just because you're
terrified of being alone?

That is insane!

I would love to be alone.
That is all I want.

Mmm... if that were really true,

I don't think you'd be clipping
Todd's wings all the time.

What? That's unbelievable.

- Todd!
- What? Clean up my shit?

Yes, but also, I would like to...

help you with your dumb-ass rock opera.

- What?
- I am... supporting you.

I-I don't understand.
Oh, my God, are you dying?

No. I... think you have
great depth of untapped

potential and I wish to
mentor you in your... art.

- Really?
- Yes.

Wait, is this going to be like that time

you promised to take me ice skating,

and I got really excited
about the ice skating,

but then instead of ice
skating, you left me at home

so you could go to the strip club

and then you took the
strippers ice skating?

- No.
- Then hooray!

Let's dig in. Where to start?

Okay, well, the headline is, I hate it.

I hate everything about it.

The premise is bad and
the execution is also bad.

It's an irredeemable jumble of shit.

- Tough but fair.
- Ahem.

That said, I don't see why we can't
make something really great here.

Okay, thank you. I'll work on that.

- Are you close?
- No!

- How 'bout now?
- No!

- Now?
- You're not even inside of me.

Oh, God!

Did you get there?

Okay, so you know in the
second act closer when the

seekers of Newtopia are
in the Turbidians' dungeon

and they learn their ship

- has been destroyed?
- No.

Well, what if we move
that to the fourth act?

I have no idea what you're talking
about, but that idea is terrible.

I hear the note.
Let me see what I can do.

♪ And that's why this planet ♪

♪ su-u-u-u-u-cks ♪

- So?
- How can I put this?

Imagine if the Holocaust happened

every four years like the Olympics.

I would rather that happened
than your rock opera.

That's not really a note.

In fact, none of your
notes have been notes.

I feel like you're not even listening.

Yeah, well, you know what?
Maybe I would listen

if the Turbidians had some reason

to enter the Cave of Swollen Dreams that

didn't break the pact
they made in act one

- with Queen Darneesa.
- You have been listening.

This just doesn't make sense.

The Turbidians are a loyal people.

They... they wouldn't
betray their queen. Unless...

They were working
for Queen Darneesa,

who gave them a potion
that would counteract

the effects of the Elixir
of Failed Remembrance

so they could bring the
secret knowledge from

the cave back to her, and
then establish Newtopia

as a vassal state to the Craterman kingdom!

Well, don't just sit there!
Get this down!

Oh, you like that.

- You like daddy's good stuff?
- Not especially.

Did you get there?

Okay, what if there isn't a robot army?

I think you just blew this thing wide open.

♪ We'll make this
our Newtopia-a-a ♪

- Up a fifth - Ah

- Down a fifth
- A-a-ah

That was great!
This train is moving.

Let's take a break and get lunch.

- Wait, you want to get lunch with me?
- Yeah, that's right.

Is this like the time
you invited me to lunch,

but then, when I got to the restaurant,

you texted me to tell me you weren't coming

because you were at a strip
club "eating stripper" for lunch,

- and also, it was my birthday?
- No.

Then hooray!

And that was a last time I
worked with David O. Russell.

What's that old expression?

"Fool me once, shame on
me, but fool me twice...

fiddle-dee-dee."

I do believe that is the expression.

Ooh, hold on.
I gotta take this.

Erica, I don't have time

to be charmed to death right now.

So how long have you been
dating Mr. Peanutbutter?

Is it serious? I'm only
asking for the article.

Better question: How long does it
take to write a BuzzFeed article?

- I want to be thorough.
- What?!

Diane, Diane, Diane, Diane!

- Do you know what today is?
- Sunday?

It's "burritos as big as your
head" day at El Taco Loco!

We gotta go right now!

I thought we were going
to see the Diane Arbus show

at LACMA today. You
know I love Diane Arbus.

I see what's happening here.

Her name is Diane,
and your name is Diane.

That's not what's happening.

I can go to the Arbus
show with you, Diane.

- What?
- I've actually been meaning to go myself.

Oh, man, you guys are
perfect for each other.

Why did you ever break up?

Okay, less yakking, more snacking.

Let's go ride in the car!

Here's your steak.

- Uh, sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

You mean to tell me that for
a full year you were on the run

- from the Russian mafia?
- Well, a Russian mafia.

I can't believe you never
told me any of this stuff.

I just thought you
were a dumb freeloader

who ate all my food and
played video games all day.

You should have seen me in high school.

- There was this one game, Decapathon.
- I remember that game.

I was up for Dr. Decapitator
in the movie version.

They said they wanted someone hipper,

but the part ended up
going to Robert Downey.

- Junior?
- If it was Junior,

I would have said, "Junior."

That game basically destroyed my life.

I flunked out of school,
my girlfriend left me.

I mean, I didn't stop playing

until my mom threw me out of the house.

I mean, that's when I
first realized, you know,

- I'm a total screw-up.
- You're not a screw-up anymore, Todd.

You're about to have a hit
rock opera on your hands.

I'm really glad you think that.

I got Princess Carolyn
to invite Virgil Van Cleef

- to our next rehearsal.
- Who in the what Van?

Virgil Van Cleef is the
biggest name in rock opera.

Okay, think of all the great rock operas

- from the last 20 years.
- Okay.

He had a piece of all of them.

Wow, Todd, are you sure
we're ready for that?

Hey, you said yourself the train is moving,

but if you think we're not ready,
I mean, I'll listen to you.

Hey, you've done enough listening, buddy.

Maybe it's about time I start listening.

Well, I feel like...

Gotta take this. Hello?

Hello?
BoJack Horseman?

We have some very
delicate pictures you might

have an interest in not
getting into the wrong hands.

I am very happy with my current

- long distance provider, thank you.
- What?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
having lunch with my friend.

But if you just listen...

All right, gang, when Virgil
Van Cleef gets here, look alive.

This could be Todd's big break,

so clap really hard and
laugh at all the jokes,

even if they're not funny,
but also, be careful,

because a lot of things
you might think are jokes

are not jokes,
so, you know, look out.

- That was not a joke.
- That was not a real laugh.

I hope you don't mind
I brought Wayne along.

- Who's Wayne?
- I'm Wayne.

I just wanted to make sure
he had everything he needs

for the big BuzzFeed cover story.

BuzzFeed is a website.
There is no cover.

Eh, "tomato," "tomato."

It's "tomato," "to-mah-to."

You say, "tomato," "to-mah-to,"
I say, "tomato," "tomato."

Oh, hey, Diane, I got you something.

- Oh, plane tickets?
- Yep, to San Francisco.

That's where the Arbus
exhibit is heading next.

Oh, my God.
Thanks, Mr. Peanutbutter.

Gentlemen, dazzle me.

What you're about to
see is rough, very rough.

It's a vomit pass at what
might become a rock opera.

Right now, it's set mostly in space,
but we're not married to that.

Todd is neither a singer
nor a trained musician.

In fact, he never even
graduated high school,

he told me in confidence.

Keep all that in mind as
you give it up for Todd.

Okay, so we start in 1887

with a young Emma Goldman.

♪ No they couldn-n-n-n't
make u-u-u-us ♪

♪ sla-a-a-a-a-aves ♪

- It needs a third act showstopper.
- I had the same note.

But in all, it's spellbinding.

- All right!
- Whoo!

You know, I run a small
theater in North Hollywood.

We were supposed to mount
a J.C. Superstar revival

next month, but of
course, Andrew Lloyd Webber

has to be a real hot
penis about everything.

Oh, Andy.
Fool me once, shame on you,

but teach a man to fool me,

and I'll be fooled for the rest of my life.

Anyway, could this show be
ready to debut in six weeks?

Six weeks?
Uh, damn. Yeah, I guess so.

Marvelous! We'll schedule an
investor showcase posthaste.

In the meantime, libations!

Ah!

- Popping, what?
- This is great.

You know, just when you think
you have a person pegged,

he can still find ways to surprise you.

Yeah, Todd really rose to
the occasion, didn't he?

- I was talking about you.
- Ah, well, it was nothing.

Maybe the Zoe has a little
Zelda in him after all.

I appreciate the sentiment,
but I still think that game is stupid.

Hey, BoJack, do you
realize what this means?

I mean, if this thing's a
hit, I could finally move out.

Oh, uh, you're gonna move out?

You won't have to yell, "Hey,
Todd, clean up your shit!"

Or, "Todd, why haven't you
cleaned up your shit yet?"

Or, "Todd, what was the name of
that guy from Perfect Strangers?

Not Bronson Pinchot,
but the other one?"

Good, that's great.
That's great and good.

So good, so great.

- Just great, and also good.
- Mm-hmm.

And as you can see,
progress has been swift.

For tomorrow's investor showcase,

we'll have choreography
and pyrotechnics for you.

This is all just happening so fast.

I don't... I don't think
Todd is ready for this.

Todd's not ready or you're not ready?

Don't make this about me.
I've seen what happens

when baby birds get pushed
out of the nest too soon.

It's not your fault.

I thought he was ready.
He seemed ready.

It's not... your... fault.

You're right. In these heady times,

what Todd needs is an agent.
Ha! Ha!

- I just need you to deliver...
- Hoo! Ha!

- That third act showstopper...
- Ha!

... and then we'll be fully financed!

Todd can do it!
Todd can do anything!

- Can I get your autograph?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And another autograph,

and initial here, here, here, and here.

- Right here?
- And the last four digits

- of your social.
- Okay.

So I think the big third
act number Virgil wants

- might be a big anthem that...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, buddy,

I'm not gonna let you start
on this until we stock up

on snacks and Red Bull.

I do get snacky.
You think of everything.

'Scuse me, young man.

Can you hand me that
Ronnie Milsap cassingle

- in the 10-cent bin?
- Sure thing, lady.

Oh, my God. Decapathon VII?
This just came out.

- Todd, put it down.
- Is this really only a dime?

If it's in there, that's the price.

Todd, this is no time for a relapse.

Look, okay, I'll buy it
now, but I won't play it

till after I've written the new song.

Todd, this is a bad idea!

- Whoa!
- All sales are final.

Okay, let's see here.

I wonder if it still smells the same.

I assure you, it still smells
like cheap plastic and child labor.

Okay, here we go. Song time.

Or should I just play one game now,

just to get the creative juices flowing?

We both know that if you
play that game tonight,

you'll never leave this couch!

Ah, no, you're right, of course.

- Thank you.
- Good night.

Come on, Decapathon, come on.

Oh, come on, Decapathon.

Oh.

Wake up! It's the morning!

Damn it, Todd, the investor
showcase is in half an hour.

- Did you work on the song?
- Huh?

Pull yourself together, man!

Ugh! Why did the water have
to come out of your mouth?

Well, I'm awfully sorry
to have wasted your time.

I don't think our man is going to show.

Wait!

Good God, what's happened?

He looks like he was up all
night playing some sort of

videographic game. He's in
no condition to debut a song.

Give the kid a chance, Van Cleef.

♪ Loam, loam, loam ♪

♪ And a... uh, little
room to, uh, roam ♪

♪ And on this planet
It's our home ♪

♪ In space ♪

Rock opera?
More like "schlock flop-era."

Ugh!

♪ Loam ♪

- Enough!
- Clearly, Van Cleef has shown

a rare lapse in taste and judgment.

I apologize for wasting your
time with this talentless imp.

Hey, Van Cleef, Todd may not be ready

for the high-flying world of rock opera

or the larger world outside
of my living room couch,

but you know what?
He's a good friend.

I don't see how that's relevant.

No, of course you don't.
Maybe Todd's worse off today,

but you're worse off in
the long run, because you're

gonna die alone and unloved,
you pompous, affected asshole!

Mon dieu!
Never have I ever!

Hey, maybe don't burn the bridge.

- I could still beg for a second chance.
- Shut your mouth, Todd.

And you shut yours, Van Cleef,
or I will buck it shut.

Suck a dick, dumb shits!

Oh, that damn video game.

No, it's not the video game's fault.
I blew it.

For a second, I actually convinced myself

I was more than just a worthless screw-up.

Fool me once, fool me twice,

fool me chicken soup with rice.

I guess there's a reason they
don't call it "the rock opera fun."

They call it "the rock opera business."

Guess I won't be needing
this piece of junk anymore.

Hey, no. Hold on to that.

Why don't you just put it
in the living room closet?

- Really?
- In fact, from now on,

you can keep all your stuff
in the living room closet.

- Thanks, BoJack, for everything.
- This, I will get rid of.

- What the...
- Don't look at those!

- Those are private!
- Are these the notes

you've been taking on
Mr. Peanutbutter? It's gibberish!

Have you just been mashing
keys this whole time?

It's a... it's a work in progress.

What's really going on here?

Look, I've been following
you two around for the

last couple weeks, and I
think it's pretty obvious

to everyone that you shouldn't
be with Mr. Peanutbutter.

- You should be with me.
- No, I've dated you.

Sure, you're smart and
sophisticated and cool,

but you're also mean.

What's your article on
Mr. Peanutbutter called?

The working title is,
"Nine Jokes From the '90s

We Haven't Stopped Laughing at."

- I knew it!
- Come on!

Like you're not gonna tear
BoJack apart in your book.

I'm not "tearing him apart."

I'm writing a nuanced
portrait of a complicated man.

Well, then, we might be
doing different things.

Mr. Peanutbutter is nice to me!

He's kind and he's generous
and he's loyal.

You know what your
problem is? You're trying

to be a Zelda but you're
so obviously a Zoe.

Ugh! Don't label me.
You don't know who I am.

You can live your happy Zelda
life in this happy Zelda town

and pretend you're a happy Zelda,

but I know you, and this isn't you.

People don't change, Diane, not really.

Mr. Peanutbutter's a Zelda.

He's happy and he's carefree

and he's loving, but
you and me, we're Zoes.

Yeah, I bought this earlier,
and I'd like to return it.

I don't know where the receipt went.

I remember you.
You came in yesterday.

No problem.

We're Zoes, Diane.

We're cynical and we're
sad and we're mean.

Thanks for your help, character
actress Margo Martindale.

I don't feel good about
what we did here, BoJack.

I don't know what you're talking about.
This never happened.

There's a darkness inside you,

and you can bury it deep in
burritos as big as your head,

but someday soon, that
darkness is gonna come out,

and when it does, I want you to call me.

I like that guy.

Ahh.

♪ Back in the '90s ♪

♪ I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- I'm BoJack the horse
- BoJack

♪ BoJack the horse ♪

♪ Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to
hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'll just try ♪

♪ And make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪

♪ BoJack ♪

Boxer versus raptor.

♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪

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