All language subtitles for Black-ish s02e15 Twindependence.eng

Twins...

Nature's weirdoes!

Certain cultures kill them immediatly!

And I get that, they are a lot of work.

But in this country, they're celebrated.

Twins spend nine months as womb-mates,

so they're born best friends.

I can see how that would be cool.

Twins always have someone
to do something with.

They renovate houses together.

They ride tiny motorbikes together.

They even haunt hotels together.

And my twins, Jack and Diane...

- Both: Oh, yeah!
- are no different.

They have a bond no
one could ever break.

We don't want to be twins anymore.

We don't?

I'm tired of being Jack and Diane.

Now I'm just ready to be "and Diane."

Uh, but you're a twin.

I didn't ask to be.

Look, we need separate rooms

because I hate Jack a
little more each day.

- Oh.
- You do?

Sorry, friend, but you suck.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Someone obviously woke up
on the wrong side of the bed

for the 300th morning in a row.

You have no idea what's it like

trying to go to sleep
in a room with him.

And then LeBron got the ball.

And then LeBron passed it to Kyrie.

And then Kyrie passed it back to LeBron.

And then he made a short-range jumper.

[Giggles] And then Kyrie got the ball.

And then he crossed up Damian Lillard.

Are you kidding me? I was like, "Dude!"

Half an hour.

No twists.

It's like an episode of "Entourage."

What?

I just give details,
and then I give context,

and then... Please separate us.

Plus, keeping this clown alive
is basically a full-time job.

Do you have any idea what it feels like

to be permanently hitched
to an embarrassing dope

who can barely even
take care of himself?

[Grunts]

Hey.

Really think about what
we just talked about.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

So, she still wanting to
do that splitting-up thing?

And are we going to do that?

Uh, of course not.

- Oh, okay.
- Dre, come on.

I did a psych rotation in med school.

This is just a phase.

I don't know.

Diane seemed pretty serious about it.

Trust me, okay? They are
gonna figure this out.

There's a lot of love between them.

Jack: I hate you!

Diane: I will set you
on fire, put you out,

and set back on fire!

Mm. Yeah.

You should write a book.

Zoey: Are we almost there?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, we are almost here.

You guys have the worst surprises.

Is this gonna be like the time

you led me blindfolded
to get that HPV shot?

Excuse me for trying to
make vaccinations fun.

- You ready?
- All right, yeah, I'm ready.

- Come on.
- Okay. Here we go.

All: Surprise!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! [Laughter]

Oh.

It's the bow, not the
car underneath it, right?

Zoey, you get the car.

Oh, my God! Thank you guys so much!

- Happy birthday, Zo-Zo!
- Yay!

There's nothing more
freeing than having a car.

You know what?

Now you get to drive
yourself to S.A.T. prep.

- Yeah.
- And me to clarinet practice.

Watch out, Kenny G.

And you get to pick the
twins up four days a week

and I'll do it once a week,
you know, just for show.

- Mm-hmm.
- I feel freer already.

- I know! Me too!
- Hey, hey, come, come, come.

You got to get in. You got
to get in! Look at this color!

- You look great in this color.
- Look at those real leather seats.

You check this out...
noise-canceling sound system,

tight-space maneuverability,
and Wi-Fi hot spot.

This is the ultimate vehicle.

I would even trade Junior
in for a car like this.

[Laughs]

I would feel hurt if I didn't
know I was your favorite.

[Chuckles]

Whoa, sweet Jesus. It finally happened!

What happened?

My baby boy bought his
mama a Buick Encore.

Mama, it's...

Hey, Worldstar!

Now, you see, all the greats
take care of their mamas.

They do. Kobe, that little
Chris Brown, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ruby speaking indistinctly]
Please. I beg of you.

You have to let me tell
her. I will pay you.

I sure as hell ain't gonna tell her.

The floor is yours.

- I get to do it?
- Just do it.

S-so, Ruby...

Not now, hybrid.

I... I'm trying to immortalize my son

for buying me this luxury vehicle

in time for the 32nd anniversary
of Marvin Gaye's death.

[Laughing] Oh!

We are gonna break the Internet!

Hey, hey!

[Laughing] Oh, my God. It
just keeps getting better.

What's that little boy's name?

- Jermaine Jackson.
- Mama, this car is for Zoey.

Huh?

- Dre.
- What?

This was my moment!

I ask you for so little!

Look, stop playing,
y'all. Where them keys at?

Mama, I'm serious. This is Zoey's car.

- It's Zoey's car.
- Keep your keys.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord Jesus, in my hour of need...

Oh, Lord, sweet Jesus, Jesus!

Whoa!

- Help your grandmother out of here, baby.
- Oh, yeah.

-
No, no, no
- Rainbow: Oh,
my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Help your grandma.
- Bring her in the house.

I think she looks fat.

Guess what I did last night.

I gave my baby girl her first car.

- Oh!
- Put a big old bow on it.

Wow. I'm impressed, Dre.

It takes a special father

to give his baby girl the
keys to a mobile sex box.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

- With a bow on it.
- Yeah.

W-W-Wait. What?

Well, I-I think what
they're saying is that

the engineers constructed a chassis

perfectly designed for having sex.

While driving. That's the mobile part.

Just pull into any dark corner, do
your business, and then pull out.

Yeah. Mobile sex box.

Look, I know what the
words mean, all right?

And my daughter's not
gonna be doing any of it.

Really, Dre?

Let's have a look at
some of the features

of the Buick Encore, shall we?

Noise-canceling...

[Smooth jazz music plays]
...[slow motion] sound system.

[Slow motion] Tight
space maneuverability.

[Slow motion] Wi-Fi hot spot.

[Slow motion] Condom compartment.

[Music stops] What?

Didn't you get what we
were doing, dumb-dumb?

We were saying real
features that sound sexual.

Name one thing that
sounds sexy about a condom.

Dre, don't listen to them, all right?

Look, your daughter is an "A" student

- and a chemistry wiz.
- Mm-hmm.

What you need to worry about is
her using all that cargo space

to haul around meth equipment.

That one probably could get

three or four aluminum tanks back there.

Some of those copper coils.

[Exhales sharply] It's actually perfect.

You know, I'm gonna get one.

You want to buy mine?

Mm, after all the disgusting things

your daughter's probably already
done to it, uh, no, thanks.

- Yeah.
- I-I'll get a fresh one.

I knew it. [Sighs]
Just give it some time.

It'll blow over.

Yeah. Luckily, I'm willing
to forgive and forget.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

We're both going to make
some changes and move on.

Well, that sounds good. All
right, good night, babies.

Five more minutes, and
then lights out, okay?

I love you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[Sighs] [Thudding]

[Groaning] Oh, my God. Aah!

Then what? And then what?!

Oh, God!

No!

J... Okay.

All right!

[Screams] Dre! Dre!

Jack, it's my pleasure
having you stay with me.

Are you familiar with
the term "subletting"?

- Of course not.
- Well, long story short,

I'm gonna need first
and last month's rent

and a valid I.D.

All I got is jellybeans.

- Ooh.
- And, dude, that's me.

All right, feels a little light,
but apparently you're family,

so I'm gonna let it slide.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me show you to
your accommodations.

I think that you'll
find this unit very cozy.

[Sighs]

Oh, sorry.

No pets.

[Sighs]

Really?

Really.

I know I promised Zoey a car,

but when the rubber hit the road,

I was not prepared to
give her a mobile sex box.

Unh-unh-unh.

No car until you pass your driving test.

But I already did.

Maybe in the state of California,

but not in the state of Dad-afornia.

It can never be easy with you.

Look, having a car is much
more than just driving, okay?

I-I-It's... I-I-It's about
changing the tire and the oil,

and... and... and monitoring

the steering and transmission fluid

and checking the tire pressure
and engine maintenance.

Can't I just go to Jiffy Lube?

Mnh-mnh! Can Jiffy Lube
teach you the 22 languages

necessary to survive as a driver

in this God-forsaken city?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mnh-mnh.

Thank the Lord I knew Tagalog

last time I ran out
of gas in Filipinotown.

[Scoffs] She's right.

Adding multiple foreign
languages to the test.

You know, I know what's going on here.

You don't trust me, and
you just want my car.

Oh, baby. Come on, now.

Do I think the car's
gorgeous? Of course.

Did my congregation
pray on it? Definitely.

Mm-hmm.

Do my friends expect me to be driving it

because I posted
pictures of it on Facebook

and tagged them in?

[Ding!]

Of course.

Those petty bitches.

Of course I trust you.

But the most important
thing to me is your safety.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- You know what?

I'm gonna pass whatever crazy test

you want to throw at me,

and then I'm gonna drive as
fast I can to Daughter-sylvania.

Not a real place.

Adding geography to the test now.

- Mm-hmm.
- [Sighs]

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Meantime, I'ma hold on to these keys.

Oh.

[Car alarm blares]

Oh. Don't worry, baby.

Panic button.

- Mama's got this.
- Okay.

[Alarm chirps]

[Laughs]

Don't mistake this comment as
interest, but you look rough.

I barely slept last night.
Junior gets night terrors.

[Screaming]

Aah!

So, I guess we got that whole

"sleeping in different rooms"
thing out of our system, right?

You slept snow angel-style?

[Chuckles] Yeah. So I'm good.

Hey.

Uh, uh! Sorry, friend.

No room for you. [Whistles]

Bye.

[Chuckles]

[Ding! Ding!] _

Hm, watch this doofus crash and burn.

Hey, Jack.

Have a seat.

[Laughs]

[Ding! Ding! Ding!] _

Yeah, I may have played this all wrong.

- Rainbow: Dre!
- Dre: Yeah?

Why is Zoey juggling Danishes
while learning Mandarin?

[Sighs] Damn it!

She's supposed to be juggling
Mandarins while learning Danish.

- What?
- See? I knew I did the right thing

by not letting her drive.

So, instead of talking
to her about your worries,

you're giving her a
list of impossible things

she can never do?

Pretty smart, right?

No. [Chuckles]

You realize that,
psychologically speaking,

you are putting what a
psychiatrist would call

psychic strain on her psyche.

That makes no sense.

And you were dead wrong
about the twins, all right?

Did you even take a psych rotation?

Yes!

I just... I just can't
remember anything.

- Oh.
- God, what was I doing that semester?

[Chuckles]

[Squeaking]

What? [Gasps]

Oh.

[Keyboard keys clacking]

Welcome to "Intro to Psychology".

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What is psychology?

Study of the mind!

Psychology is the
study of the mind.

Yes!

Or is it?

Oh. Mom.

- Huh? What? Huh?
- What are you doing?

Uh, uh, porn.

I'm watching p... I'm watching porn.

It's not an "Intro to
Psychology" lecture.

Yeah, I-I know that
stuff, sweetheart, yeah.

Uh, W-what are you doing...
What are you doing still up?

[Sighs] I can't sleep.

My tenant's driving me crazy.

- Oh.
- He has night terrors.

[Jack screaming]

[Thudding]

We've got to get the
twins back together.

Yes, because in most cases,

a twin's search for individuation

often leads to, um,
outbursts of depression,

risk-taking such as gambling,

and sometimes even cannibalism.

Mm-hmm.

That doesn't sound right.

It's not.

[Clears throat] I'm...
I'm gonna go back to my...

Yes, good night, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams to you, my child.

[Sighs]

So, let's discuss
the difference between

psychology and psychiatry.

There's a difference? Holy [bleep]

Dre: Back at school, Jack was
starting to enjoy flying solo.

So, I went to the kitchen.

Together: And then?

I opened the freezer.

Together: And then?

I got some ice cream.

Together: And then?

I ate it!

Together: Whoa!

He ate it!

Did you see that coming?

But Diane was starting
to have separation anxiety.

Can you believe those clowns?

Mr. Sheffield: Sounds like
you'd rather be over there.

Why don't you go?

Pbht. I don't need them.

I made a new friend here with you.

I'm a substitute teacher.
You'll never see me again.

Yep. I definitely played this all wrong.

So, I ace your test
and I get my keys back?

Oh, did I mention that it was timed?

Ready, set...

[Air horn blows] go-o-o-o-o-o!

Bogot?.

- Bolivia.
- La Paz.

- Iran.
- Tehran.

Boom. I did everything.

- Now where them keys at?
- Good.

Now do it again, outside,
at night, in the rain.

We are in a drought.

I don't make the rules.

Yes, you do.

You never were gonna give
me this car, were you?

[Speaks Farsi] _

Well, I'm assuming that means
you agree with my decision?

_

[Door closes] You're welcome, baby.

In a last-ditch effort,

Rainbow tried some dime-story psychology

or psychiatry.

She has no idea.

I can't believe she's a doctor.

Hello, Jack. Hello, Diane.

Thank you so much for
agreeing to mediation.

I s... I'm sorry. Just a second.

"State the premise,

state their names,

and check on both."

Okay.

Uh [Clears throat]

How is this separation
working for you guys?

I mean, I'm having a good time
by myself, totally thriving.

Uh-huh.

But I'd be open to a reconciliation.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, that's great.

So, Jack...

I... I'm sorry. Just a second.

[Clears throat]

How are you feeling?

I was nervous to split up at first.

Yes. Yeah. Here you go.

But then I met new friends.

Oh. Like, a lot of new friends.

Uh-huh.

- So I'm cool.
- Oh!

- Are you?
- Yeah.

Or are you maybe feeling incomplete

without your other half?

Let's try some, uh...
some word associations.

You and Diane go together
like peanut butter and...

My own room.

Um, okay, I'm gonna try...

I'm gonna try another
one. [Clears throat]

So, you and Diane are like milk and...

- I'm popular.
- No.

No.

No. Okay, let me reframe
this for you, Jack.

Okay, uh, John Cougar Mellencamp
wrote a song about you.

It's called "Jack and Diane," right?

I mean, it's probably one of the most

famous guitar riffs of all time.

It's

[Vocalizes guitar riff]

[Claps]

[Claps]

It's a little ditty...

Never heard it.

Jack and Diane were twins?

Oh, no. Not exactly.

But they were brother and sister.

Um, no.

They were, uh, boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Scoffs] This feels right to you?

- Well...
- Uh, w-wait a second.

I say that!

Not anymore, friend.

Interesting.

It seemed like the twins
had split for good.

You know, I used to like
sleeping snow angel-style.

But now... Cool story, bro.

Hey, Jack! Good to see you, dude.

Hey, Diane.

I tried one of those electric
toothbrushes last night.

Cool!

And then...?

That's it. It was great.

There's no "and then."

Mm.

Thank you for your concise
story, Mr. Sheffield.

But at the end of the day,

you just can't fight
the bond of twins.

Oh.

[Sighs]

[Laughs] Hey, look at
that nerd over there

sitting with a sub.

[Laughter]

Hey, that nerd's my twin!

[Ruby screams]

Mama!

Mama!

- Dre!
- Mama, what is it?!

Somebody stole my Buick!

What?!

Call the police!

But before they come,

you make sure they know a
black man owns this house!

- Okay, mama. Okay.
- Whoo!

What the hell?

Is that... Oh, my God. It's Zoey.

Mm-hmm.

What the hell were you thinking? Huh?

You didn't have permission
to take this car.

You were never gonna give me permission.

So you just took it?

And I hope you didn't mess
with my settings, baby.

I just programmed all
my A.M. church stations

and my Rickey Smiley!

You know what? You're grounded.

You're never getting this car.

That you gave me a week
ago, then took back?

Then made me learn German for?

[Speaks German] _

[Sputters]

You know what? I'ma Google that!

I can't believe she stole this car.

Probably picked up a boy
and was out struttin' around

like her mama at the... library.

I can't believe she stole the
car and went to the library.

Boy, don't nobody care
nothing about no library.

I had a Shalamar CD in here!

Black Jesus!

Where is my Shalamar CD?

Oh. I didn't see you here.

Uh, I was just trying to get
my, uh... my basketball trophy.

So...

how was your day?

Are you sure you want to know?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Today was crazy.

My shoes came untied,
and then I bent down,

and then I tied them,

and then Barbara Wu stepped on it.

Oh, my God.

And then I...

Wait.

Yeah, I tied them again.

And then it was really crazy.

Donnie Pacino dropped
his phone in the toilet,

and it was still ringing.

Dre, they fixed their
problem without us.

- Thank God, because I'm useless.
- [Sighs]

Well, I don't know anything, either.

I busted Zoey for going to the library.

- Oh.
- Not my best moment.

Wow.

We're raising a real criminal.

Yep.

Dre, why would you think Zoey's
personality's gonna change

just 'cause gets a car?

But what happens if she grows up

and starts doing crazy things?

You mean like a normal human being?

[Sighs]

Look, I thought it was
supposed to get easier

when they grew up, not harder.

[Sighs] Well, that's dumb.

What?

Well, that's dumb.

Dre, come on. Why would you think that?

It always gets harder.

It does. And we have We have great kids.

Yeah.

Anyway, we have to trust that
we raise them to be good people.

We do, and, you know,

we don't need some stupid
psychiatry book to help us.

Psychology.

Damn it.

Bow was right.

You do your best to raise good kids.

And whether you like it
or not, as they get older,

you have to trust them

and support them,

even if you don't always
understand them.

And hopefully, if you do your job right,

when you're gone,

they'll still always be
there for one another.

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