All language subtitles for Black-ish s02e08 Chop Shop

Dre: Hair. Everybody
has it somewhere.

Lucky for me, mine's somewhere
still on top of my head,

and that's a good thing.

First, because this
is my nightmare.

And second, because in
the black community,

hair is everything.

In fact, if I was to make a list

of things that were most
important to me as a black man

besides Bow and the kids,

hair would probably fall
right between God and my mama.

Now, mama, before you get upset,

remember that hair helped
put black people on the map.

You see, in the early 1900s,
my girl Madam C.J. Walker

became the first
black millionaire

because she invented a
better version of this.

Second black
millionaire... Oprah.

Or maybe it was Famo Amos.

Anyway, the point is
we care about our hair,

and that's why the barbershop holds
such a special place in our hearts.

My barber's been with
me through it all.

From the baby baldy...

To the fourth grade flat top...

The sixth grade "s" curl...

To the graduation gumby...

[Laughs]

[Whoopi]

The 20s twisties...

Whoo!

I'm gonna get all the earthy ladies.

The first-time father fro,

and finally,

the funky fresh Driggity
Dre you all know and adore.

And there he is... T. Jackson.

The man responsible
for maintaining

the third most important
thing in my life.

We had to reorder the list.

Shrimp's making a move.

Sorry, mamas.

Sync and corrected by rickSG
www.addic7ed.com

[indistinct conversations]

No matter what city you're in,
no matter where you're from,

the barbershop is never short
on its cast of characters,

and it's this environment
that shaped me

and helped me grow into
the man I've become.

And it would do the
same for my two boys.

There's Ta-Ta, the
conspiracy theorist.

Hey, you know our military's
about to invade Jamaica, right?

Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Dre?

There's Scootie,
the bad list maker.

Oh, man, it goes Beyonc�, Alicia Keys,

and Tempestt Bledsoe!

Dre.

There's Mike...
Before I beat yo ass!

Always fighting.

Never winning.

There's Renard, Jigga, and Oozi.

They cut hair from sun up to
sundown seven days a week,

but don't you dare
call them barbers.

I'm actually a screenwriter.

Comedian.

Astronaut.

And I've already told
you about this man.

He's like a second
uncle to the kids

and like a first father to me.

My man T. [Laughs]

You been working out, Dre?

I love you, man.

All right, son, come on. It's T. Time.

Junior: Dad, is this gonna take all day?

George R.R. Martin is at
the Waldenbooks right now,

and I heard if you give him $20,

he'll tell you if Tyrion becomes king.

Boy, be quiet and wait your turn

before I red wedding your ass.

Look like somebody doesn't
need the booster seat anymore.

Yes!

It really been a source of
anxiety for me. Dre: [Laughs]

Hey, you need a cut, playboy?

Me?

Am I playboy?

What do you think? Yeah.

I don't see any other
playboys around here.

Hey, Dad, the new guy's open.

Is it cool if I go to him?

I don't know, Junior.

Is it cool if I start an
Ultimate Frisbee League?

Is it cool if I pee sitting down?

Is it cool if I start
rocking skinny jeans, huh?

Well, sitting down while you pee

is supposed to reduce
your risk of cancer,

so that's kind of cool.

I'm gonna go hop in the chair.

Junior, there are unwritten
rules in the barbershop,

and the first rule is
you never switch chas!

Am I right?

Yeah. You're right.

Never.

The barbershop was built on loyalty.

That's how it became the
cornerstone of the community.

- Am I right?!
- You're right.

- True. True.
- Yeah, you right.

You stay with your barber no
matter what happens to him.

Incarceration, tax
evasion, ebola...

He loses a thumb... Am
I forgetting something?

T.: Oh, there are so many things.

Um, getting trapped under the ice.

That is a good one right there...

Trapped under the ice.

- Just take a little off the top.
- Got you.

What? [Scoffs]

[Sighs]

T, I apologize for my son.

You know, suburban life has ruined him.

Just promise me to beat
him when you get home.

Oh, till the brakes fall off.

Tear that ass up.

Oh, it's snowing.

It's so cold.

[Camera shutter clicks] Thoughts?

At what age can you
divorce your parents?

16.

Start the paperwork.

Come on, you guys.

The Christmas card shoot
is in a couple of weeks.

If we're gonna pull off
this Winter Wonderland,

we got to have the perfect fake snow.

So, is the flour working?

If you're going for
Christmas in Medell��n.

Wha... how do you even...

We're back.

- Is that cocaine?
- Rainbow: No, sweetie,

it's just a pile of
mommy's disappointment.

Oh, my, Junior!

Oh, my gosh, your hair.

And your line.

It's like... [Imitates laser gun]

[Chuckles] [Laughs]

Zoey: You know what? Mom's right.

You can say hi to me at school tomorrow.

Now, I won't respond, but
it'll mean something to you.

I went to a new guy, Smoke.

He called me Pimp Juice, and we
talked all about his baby mama drama.

What?

I really hope he and
Latonka work it out.

All right, what we got to do? Oh.

[Gasps]

- Oh, my God.
- What?

What... what happened to your hair?

[Laughs, imitates laser gun]

No. More like p'ehh.

What do you mean?

She means...

The same guy that did that

couldn't have done that.

Dre: No, no, no, baby girl. This
is T. all day every day, all right?

Did T. recently have a stroke?

Maybe while you were in his chair?

I don't think so.

Mm. [Chuckles]

'Cause all I see is chocolaty
goodness. Look at that.

'Cause you're working your angles.

Dad...

Look straight into the mirror.

What the?

- Look at...
- Rainbow: Dre, this is not good.

The family photo is
right around the corner.

You're gonna need to go back to the
shop and have Smoke give you a Junior.

- No!
- Tell him Pimp Juice sent you.

Shut up. T. is my barber, okay?

Dre: His cage was just rattled because
he was betrayed by light-skinned Judas.

It's Junior.

Yeah, you know what? You be
lucky if T. ever takes you back.

I don't want to go back.

I'm out of the T. business.

I'm a Smoke man now.

What?! So you're switching barbers?

Bow, can you believe this?

Yeah. Have you seen your hair?

It's not about my hair.

It should be.

It's about my son violating

- the most sacred of codes.
- Oh, my God.

Boy, where are you going?

Good God, son! Who
did that to you? Uh...

- I want a name.
- Not now, mama.

Judas!

So, now that your father has got
to wear a hat in these pictures,

I'm gonna have to
change the whole theme.

The costumes, the backdrop. [Gasps]

I'm gonna lose the deposit
for the penguin wrangler.

Ruby: Mm-hmm.

It got left to the last minute,

and now someone's got a
case of the overwhelms.

- N-no.
- Why don't you let me

help you out this year
with the photo shoot?

You do tend to get a bit stressed out.

- I do not.
- Uh, do, too.

Zoey: Every single year.

You wind up crying in all the photos.

I wouldn't say all the photos.

Your tears stained my reindeer costume.

Well, I'm really slammed at work.

And add in the fact that I'm
a full-time mother of four.

That's the spirit! That's the...

I didn't finish what I was gonna say.

No, no, no. Don't you
worry about a thing.

I'm gonna take care of all of this.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

Now...

Enough.

The theme is now going to be...

Elegance.

What?! [Laughs]

Wait...

[Laughs] Elegance.

I can't do elegance.

I'm quirky at best.

We won't be able to hide
behind Mom's dumb theme anymore.

Elegance is going to expose
us for who we really are.

But I don't like who I really am.

Relax. It's just a Christmas card.

- Just a Christmas card?
- Yeah.

Just a Christmas card?!

Yeah. [Sighs]

The Christmas card sets the
tone for the coming year,

and God forbid you have an off day.

Your next year is shot.

Remember last year for Jack?

That was a hard year for me.

This is never going to work.

I can't afford two in a row!

You know what, guys,

the first rule of
elegance is never panic.

Is freaking out okay?

'Cause I just peed a little. [Scoffs]

Dre: I was trying to concentrate,

but junior's betrayal and my own hair

had me off my game at work.

Okay, and with the integration
into the company's interface,

you will see that we can...

Stevens: Dre, I'm gonna stop you.

You do realize that
you've been cycling through

the HDMI inputs this whole time, right?

- I thought it still worked.
- Guys, I'm sorry.

I'm so upset with my son

that I can't even focus right now.

Stevens: Oh, I've been
through this before.

Look, you've got to get
him to Dubai, okay?

It's the land of no
laws, no extraditions,

and the shopping mall there is amazing.

- What? No.
- Yes, Dre.

There's a ski lift inside that bad boy!

This is about loyalty.

We've been going to the same barber

since he was a kid,

and just like that, he drops him.

- What the [Bleep] boss?
- Yeah, I know, man.

- I was gonna call off sick today.
- Yo, straight up,

if you don't bounce
right now, I'm going to.

- That bad?
- Josh: So, I'm...

I'm just trying to sift
through all the hip-hop here,

and I'm gathering that
dre got a bad haircut

and you think he should go home?

Do you see that line?

This is not a bad haircut.

This is the starting five
for the San Antonio spurs.

Five rings, no fades.

Yes, but they are so
fundamentally sound.

Josh: You know, I got
to be honest, Driggity,

I didn't think your hair even grew.

Yeah, I always thought it
was just a textured tattoo.

I thought it was a cadaver wig.

Dre: What are you talking about?

Am I the only black
man you've ever seen?

Uh...

Oh, no, I knew dozens in college.

Well, there's this guy,
whatever his name is.

Maybe four, tops.

I get my hair cut once a week.

- Really?
- Josh: What?

Okay, that is dumb.

Lucy, how often do you cut my hair?

Oh, everybody, Lucy cuts my hair.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I have a pair of scissors
this close to his jugular

every six to eight weeks.

[Chuckles] You know what?

Sounds like you need to
fire your barber, Drizzles.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody's saying all that.

That's his barber, man.

T. is like family.

Well, firing family is the
easiest firing there is.

I'll fire some family right now.

"Time to get off the teat, Grandma."

[Pops] Gone.

[Chuckles] Bitch is fired.

- You don't get it.
- He does not get it.

Look, you don't bail on your
barber after one bad cut.

Don't you have somebody in
your life that you and your sons

- have a special relationship with?
- Yeah.

Like... the skeet shooting instructor?

- No.
- The African baby adoption agent?

No.

The guy that checks your moles.

Dr. Rubenstein, yes.

After every checkup,

we toast each other with gimlets
and hit the local tanning salon.

And would you ever have
anybody else tell you

that you had skin cancer?

- Never.
- Exactly.

I'm gonna go back to T.

Just because I had a few bad
haircuts doesn't mean that

I have to take the
clippers out of his hand.

- Right.
- It's like...

- It's like Kobe Bryant.
- Right.

When he has a bad game,

you put the ball right
back in his hands!

- Yes, you do.
- That's what I'm gonna do to T.

I'm gonna put the clippers
right back in his hands

- and show my son what loyalty's all about!
- That's right!

Kobe! Kobe!

[Chuckles]

[Whimpers]

Damn you, Kobe!

Hey, wait.

What happened to Winter Wonderland?

Oh, sweetie, this is a Christmas card

that does not immediately get tossed out

like your lentil bean casserole.

Look, for this year's card,

I want you to think elegance.

Picture marble, animal prints,

mahogany, coach bags.

[Door slams] [Chuckles]

Hey, Dre, what...

- What's wrong?
- Baby?

[Gasps] Aah!

Oh, my...

Black Jesus, black Jesus.

[Voice breaking] My hairline.

My nice, full, sweet,

never-did-nothing-to-nobody
hairline.

Dre, Smoke did that?

I went back to T.

You went back to T?!

It's like T.'s Kobe, and
if Kobe has a bad game,

you don't take the ball
out of Kobe's hands.

You give it back to him and
say, "shoot, Kobe! Shoot!"

Well, maybe Kobe of 10 years ago,

but not Kobe of today.

He's taken the whole franchise down.

Dre, enough is enough.

We are taking these
family photos next week,

so either get yourself a new barber,

or at the very least, a sharpie, okay?

[Pouts] Hair's crazy.

First lesson.

Elegance is all about poise and posture.

Observe.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Elegance...!

Even... In pain.

You have glass in your hair.

- Is it shimmering?
- Does it matter?

What are you doing with my phone?

Wha... Is this your phone?

You know, I thought this was my phone.

With the Gandalf case?

Oh!

You're looking for Smoke's info.

No. Smoke? Please.

Ahh. I get it.

He's great.

He's got a great eye for fashion. Mm.

Said I did, too.

- I'm gonna take more risks.
- I think you should, son,

but... Is it cool if
I get that number? Hmm.

I don't know, Dad.

Is it cool if I start wearing lip gloss?

Is it cool if I start
listening to the Fray?

- Who?
- Is it cool

if I trade in all my sneakers for uggs?

- Okay.
- Besides, whatever happened to loyalty?

What the barbershop was built on,

how it became the
cornerstone of the community.

I just need a good haircut, son.

Rainbow: Hey, Ruby.

- Can I help you with anything?
- No, no. You relax.

I'm just putting together a mock photo

of where we'll all be
standing on the day.

And you're using the cast of "Empire"?

Well, if there's a better
way of showing elegance,

I don't know of it.

Oh, I-I could thing of a couple.

Listen, listen.
Take Cookie.

Now, she's a bad bitch.

She's strong, she's beautiful,

and she oozes elegance.

Which is why she
will be front and center.

And let me guess,

you're Cookie?

Is there another bad
bitch in this house?

[Scoffs]

Now, behind every matriarch

is a dreamer with a voice and hair

that you would do jail time for.

That's Lucious.

That's my Dre.

- Yes. Yeah.
- He needs to be right behind Cookie.

Yeah.

And so, um, who am I,

and where will I be standing?

- You're the white girl Rhonda.
- Wha...

And who says she'll be standing?

So, you're just gonna
have me on the floor?

Now see, that's such a Rhonda
way of looking at things.

Oh, my God, okay. Great, thanks.

Um, yeah.

Dre: So, I went to the
shop on T's day off

to see if Smoke
could help me out,

but he was with one of his
loyal, disloyal regulars.

Ta-ta: Hey, what's up, Dre?

Hey, hey, y'all know the Nation of Islam
are turning into Scientologists, right?

- Y'all heard that?
- What?

Yeah. I heard that.

Man, you sound stupid.

- I'm gonna look it up.
- Hey, Smoke.

Hey, man, you think you can jump
me ahead of a couple folks, man?

Uh... I got a situation over here.

All: Whoa! Damn!

[Laughter]

Hey, Lebron, what you doing here?

Aren't you guys playing
in Detroit tonight?

Dre: Shut up!

Wow, you much shorter
and fatter in person.

[Laughter]

- Yo mama.
- Renard: Last season,

you carried the whole
team on your forehead.

[Laughter] Man: Oh,
good one. Good one.

Yo, Smoke, man, since T. not here, man,

you think you can fix this?

Smoke: No. You're T's guy.

I'll call him in.

Hey, man, look like Ta-Ta
was right about the Nation.

- It's the truth.
- Ta-ta: Let me see that.

Scroll.

Oh, oh. That's my penis.

That's... sorry about
that. [All groan]

What, man? That's not
supposed to be in there.

Smoke: Yo, Pimp Juice,

what happened to that
girl you told us about?

Oh, Sasha?

She told me to call her at 1:00.

Don't.

Start a text bubble about 1:30.

Yeah, but don't send
anything off till about 4:00.

Mike: Yeah, yeah, and then
all you say is "'Sup? Who dis?"

- Really?
- Yeah, trust me.

You do that, and Sasha will
be on your line in five minutes

with a phone call
like, "did you text me?"

Then you be like, "no. But
what's up with you, baby girl?"

Baby girl.

I can do that.

Now, is "who dis" with one "s" or two?

There you are, T.

Bron-Bron's over here
looking for you to fix him up.

Whoa! Whoa!

[Laughter]

What did you do to your hair?

What did you do to my hair, huh?

What, me? [Scoffs]

You must've messed with it at home.

Why would I do this to my own hair?!

I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.

Look, people know that
I cut your hair,

and I can't let you walk
around looking like that.

Let me just get down
on this burrito first.

Fool, I've been walking
around like this all week.

Oozi: Oh, here we go.

Lebron!

[Laughter]

Witness!

As the powder settled
all around me,

I realized I'm a grown-ass man.

I don't need this.

Renard: 23!

Hey, Ruby, have you seen my...

Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I know.

100% pure, uncut elegance.

Zoey, go upstairs

and wash that makeup off your face.

Jack, no gangsta leaning in this house!

- And Diane...
- No.

Diane, take off those fishnets.

Take them off.

You guys look ridiculous.

Ruby, is that your idea

of a family Christmas card?

It's supposed to be wholesome and sweet,

and have something to do with Christmas.

There's a lion, Rhonda.

Christmas is not about
being a bad bitch.

- Neither is that sweater.
- Well...

Actually, it's biodegradable.

- It's hideous. [Scoffs]
- Wha...?

So, I gave it another week
for my hair to grow back,

then I took action.

What are you doing, Dad?

Oh. Solving our problems, son.

This is Montana.

He's a barber to the stars.

He cuts Matt Kemp, Usher.

Dennis Haysbert.

Whoo-hoo! You hear that, son?

Dennis Haysbert. He
stays with a fresh one.

We don't have to deal with
the b.s. politics of the shop.

No waiting, no clowning,

no play fighting that
turns into real fighting

that turns into jail time.

And we don't have to watch "Pootie Tang"

on a constant loop.

Get to.

Get to watch "Pootie Tang."

Sada-tay.

Smoke's my barber until I die,

or Latonka kills him.

He gave me the courage to
wear these paisley pants,

which I admit are a mistake,
but I am seeing it through.

Suburban life has ruined you, Dad.

I'm going to see my barber.

Fine! Go!

Hey, give me the Dennis Haysbert.

Hey, everybody. Hey.

Wha-w-why's everybody
dressed like that?

And I'm dressed like this?

Isn't this what you wanted?

You tricked me? [Scoffs]

Don't mess with Cookie.

Okay.

[Stammers]

Sorry I'm late.

Damn, son.

What happened to your hair? [Sighs]

I went down to the shop

and Smoke totally jacked me up

'cause he and Mike got
into it over R. Kelly.

- Again?
- Smoke beat him up,

but he didn't stop cutting my hair.

He even changed guards.

- And he didn't fix you up?
- No.

He claimed he didn't do it,

but I never left his chair.

I think you're right, Dad.

That place is a lot to handle.

And to be honest,

it wasn't the same without you.

Sorry you had a rough time, son.

Maybe your barber is the way to go.

Well, he did give me the Haysbert.

'Sup, Sasha?

No, I didn't text you.

But what's up with you, baby girl?

Oh, my God.

Hey. What's going on with you?

I'm an idiot.

I had a bad couple of
trips to the barbershop

and I lost sight of why I was taking
the boys there in the first place.

It's not about haircuts.

I learned some stuff on a Saturday
that I can't learn anywhere else.

It's how you become a man.

You just saw it with Junior.

- He played a girl!
- Great lesson.

But he learned that in the shop

and he wouldn't give me Smoke's number

because he was forming

his own relationships in that world

just like I did!

I've got to get Junior back in there.

He needs this.

Okay, I have my own problems.

Okay, what's up?

[Camera shutter clicks]

Dre: And later on,

I got the boys back into a place that
I knew it was important for them to be...

So, what you're saying
is that Scientologists

are taking over the
whole Nation of Islam?

Yes, man, I just saw
them parading down slauson

selling the bean pies and all that.

- No, no.
- Real talk.

- No way.
- Would I lie?

Even if it came at my own expense.

Added some sporty little lines in there.

What you think?

Think I'll see you next
Saturday. [Chuckles]

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