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1
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My only love sprung from my only hate,
2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:07,898
too early seen unknown and known too late.
3
00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:10,802
Prodigious birth of love it is to me,
4
00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:13,738
that I must love a loathed enemy.
5
00:00:13,739 --> 00:00:15,440
Ha! [Chuckles] That's my baby girl!
6
00:00:15,441 --> 00:00:16,674
- Okay, babe, babe.
- Hmm?
7
00:00:16,675 --> 00:00:18,009
No yelling. [Scoffs]
8
00:00:18,010 --> 00:00:19,610
- We're not at a movie.
- Oh, come on, baby.
9
00:00:19,611 --> 00:00:22,013
We all know how
the story ends... they die.
10
00:00:22,014 --> 00:00:23,548
Both: They die?!
11
00:00:23,549 --> 00:00:25,049
Yep. Both of them.
12
00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:26,984
Dre: What is itabout the law of attraction?
13
00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,754
Why do we fall for who we fall for?
14
00:00:29,755 --> 00:00:32,790
And why do we often pick
someone so wrong for us?
15
00:00:32,791 --> 00:00:36,227
It must have been so much
easier in prehistoric times.
16
00:00:36,228 --> 00:00:39,007
Back then, you met, fell in love...
17
00:00:39,464 --> 00:00:40,731
Hunted and gathered,
18
00:00:40,732 --> 00:00:43,267
and then got eaten by a woolly mammoth.
19
00:00:43,268 --> 00:00:45,436
[Chomp! Burp!]
20
00:00:45,437 --> 00:00:48,306
But what happens when there's
no mammoth to take you out?
21
00:00:48,307 --> 00:00:50,341
When you both live?
22
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,376
Some people are lucky and find a way
23
00:00:52,377 --> 00:00:55,112
to keep that fire alive for decades,
24
00:00:55,113 --> 00:00:58,449
while others burn so bright, they explode.
25
00:00:58,450 --> 00:01:02,486
Look at Britney and K-Fed,
Sid and Nancy, Ruby and Earl.
26
00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:03,821
Never heard of Ruby and Earl?
27
00:01:03,822 --> 00:01:05,256
They're the fiery couple
28
00:01:05,257 --> 00:01:08,325
who made my childhood
miserable... my parents.
29
00:01:08,326 --> 00:01:12,063
When these two loved eachother, they loved each other.
30
00:01:12,064 --> 00:01:14,098
But when they didn't, whoo!
31
00:01:14,099 --> 00:01:15,399
Burn!
32
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,501
Burn, baby, burn!
33
00:01:17,502 --> 00:01:20,271
[Laughing maniacally]
34
00:01:20,272 --> 00:01:22,807
Which is why I do everything I can
35
00:01:22,808 --> 00:01:25,685
to make sure they're never
in the same room together.
36
00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:27,644
Ugh. What the hell is she doing here?
37
00:01:27,646 --> 00:01:29,480
What's he doing here?
38
00:01:29,481 --> 00:01:31,549
Come on.
39
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:35,343
At least Romeo and Juliet had
the decency to off themselves.
40
00:01:40,347 --> 00:01:42,203
Black-ish - 01x11
Law of Attraction
41
00:01:42,204 --> 00:01:45,273
42
00:01:46,832 --> 00:01:49,927
You trying to make us pass out
from all that cologne?
43
00:01:49,929 --> 00:01:50,740
Mnh-mnh.
44
00:01:50,742 --> 00:01:52,403
Just you. Breathe deep.
45
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,571
Shush!
46
00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:56,073
Art thou not Romeo and a montague?
47
00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:59,343
[Romeo speaking indistinctly] I see
you're still wearing those ridiculous hats.
48
00:01:59,344 --> 00:02:01,679
I see you're still wearing them 30 pounds.
49
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,715
Glass houses, fat man.
50
00:02:04,716 --> 00:02:07,118
Hey! Be quiet! Please!
51
00:02:07,119 --> 00:02:08,617
Tell him that.
52
00:02:08,619 --> 00:02:10,286
I'm just trying to watch the play.
53
00:02:10,288 --> 00:02:11,788
Don't get invested.
54
00:02:11,789 --> 00:02:12,990
Everyone dies.
55
00:02:13,436 --> 00:02:15,737
Yeah, and not soon enough.
56
00:02:17,629 --> 00:02:20,164
And that's how it went through
the play and through dinner.
57
00:02:20,165 --> 00:02:23,100
Nobody made you come to dinner.
58
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:25,335
I'm not gonna miss a family dinner
59
00:02:25,336 --> 00:02:28,472
just because watching
you eat is offensive.
60
00:02:28,473 --> 00:02:30,207
It's nice being together like this.
61
00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:32,309
Why do you always take his side?
62
00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:34,811
'Cause no one ever sides with the witch.
63
00:02:34,812 --> 00:02:36,847
Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
64
00:02:36,848 --> 00:02:39,116
Bad witch... very bad witch.
65
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,617
Dre: Keep your distance, kids.
66
00:02:42,286 --> 00:02:44,054
Oh, excu... excuse me.
67
00:02:44,055 --> 00:02:44,855
Excuse me, babe.
68
00:02:44,856 --> 00:02:46,156
Hey, man.
69
00:02:46,157 --> 00:02:47,024
What?
70
00:02:47,025 --> 00:02:48,692
What?!
71
00:02:48,693 --> 00:02:50,060
Are we really doing this?
72
00:02:50,061 --> 00:02:51,728
Hell, yeah, we really doing this.
73
00:02:51,729 --> 00:02:53,029
[Scoffs]
74
00:02:53,030 --> 00:02:54,131
Man, whatever.
75
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:55,399
Oh, I know it's whatever.
76
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,934
[Scoffs] What's wrong with you, boy?
77
00:02:57,935 --> 00:02:59,336
You better show some respect.
78
00:02:59,337 --> 00:03:00,971
Who you calling "boy," old man?
79
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:04,608
The thing about us old men
is we got nothing to lose.
80
00:03:04,609 --> 00:03:06,977
What you willing to lose today, son?
81
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,054
Go on and get your car, lady.
82
00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:17,621
Thank you.
83
00:03:17,622 --> 00:03:20,757
Mm. Very impressive.
84
00:03:20,758 --> 00:03:23,526
Not bad for an old man.
85
00:03:23,527 --> 00:03:25,862
I see you found that smile I used to like.
86
00:03:25,863 --> 00:03:28,198
Well, lucky for you, I brought it.
87
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,568
My car.
88
00:03:31,569 --> 00:03:34,738
Earl, is it okay if I ride with you?
89
00:03:34,739 --> 00:03:36,139
What?! No!
90
00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:37,741
I'd like that.
91
00:03:37,742 --> 00:03:39,743
Oh!
92
00:03:41,746 --> 00:03:46,116
I can't believe my moms
is riding home with pops.
93
00:03:46,117 --> 00:03:47,417
Hmm?
94
00:03:47,418 --> 00:03:49,519
Oh, oh. God, yeah, that's bad.
95
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,987
It brings me back to my childhood.
96
00:03:50,988 --> 00:03:53,556
They were always splitting up
and getting back together.
97
00:03:53,557 --> 00:03:54,757
I would get my hopes up,
98
00:03:54,758 --> 00:03:57,093
and then I'd be crushed all over again.
99
00:03:57,094 --> 00:03:59,028
I don't want our kids around that.
100
00:03:59,029 --> 00:04:02,098
It always came to a head
just like it did at my eighth birthday.
101
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:05,501
[Laughing maniacally]
102
00:04:07,771 --> 00:04:09,606
My new bike was in that car.
103
00:04:09,607 --> 00:04:10,773
What?
104
00:04:10,774 --> 00:04:12,308
For sure.
105
00:04:12,309 --> 00:04:15,345
How stupid is it that my mother
only got interested in pops
106
00:04:15,346 --> 00:04:17,246
when he went all caveman on that dude?
107
00:04:17,247 --> 00:04:18,848
I know.
108
00:04:18,849 --> 00:04:21,050
That tough-guy stuff is so stupid.
109
00:04:21,051 --> 00:04:22,819
Totally. I mean, you weren't stupid.
110
00:04:22,820 --> 00:04:25,188
You weren't stupid at all.
111
00:04:25,189 --> 00:04:27,090
No, I was not. Nope.
112
00:04:27,091 --> 00:04:28,624
That guy was kind of tall.
113
00:04:28,625 --> 00:04:29,959
Real big.
114
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,295
Probably an ex-NFL player.
115
00:04:32,296 --> 00:04:34,797
Yeah. Maybe.
116
00:04:34,798 --> 00:04:36,099
What position do you think he played?
117
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:37,200
I don't know.
118
00:04:37,201 --> 00:04:39,302
What position do regular-sized guys play?
119
00:04:39,303 --> 00:04:41,571
I was catching a vibe
120
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,873
that maybe Bow
was disappointed in her man.
121
00:04:43,874 --> 00:04:47,243
And to be honest, I wasn't
that happy with him, either.
122
00:04:47,244 --> 00:04:48,911
You should have been like,
"man, we next in line!
123
00:04:48,912 --> 00:04:50,279
What you trying to do?"
124
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,181
And he would have been like,
"man, my bad, my bad."
125
00:04:52,182 --> 00:04:53,316
And I would have been like,
"you want some of this?"
126
00:04:53,317 --> 00:04:55,284
You want some of this?!" Waah!
127
00:04:55,285 --> 00:04:56,552
What you got? What you got?
128
00:04:56,553 --> 00:04:58,387
Huh?! What'd you say to my wife, huh?!
129
00:04:58,388 --> 00:04:59,622
Tap out! Tap out!
130
00:04:59,623 --> 00:05:00,790
Go to sleep.
131
00:05:00,791 --> 00:05:01,824
That's it. Go to sleep.
132
00:05:04,528 --> 00:05:06,128
And stay down.
133
00:05:06,129 --> 00:05:07,797
Then I could have been like, "hyah!"
134
00:05:07,798 --> 00:05:10,499
And then I should have been like, "hyah!"
135
00:05:13,570 --> 00:05:16,405
Did you get the e-mail? Best news ever.
136
00:05:16,406 --> 00:05:18,007
Bryce Porter's grandmother died,
137
00:05:18,008 --> 00:05:19,809
Jordan Greenwald has mono,
138
00:05:19,810 --> 00:05:22,578
and Cayden Morrison ate some bad pork.
139
00:05:22,579 --> 00:05:25,181
- So?
- So, they're out of Romeos.
140
00:05:25,182 --> 00:05:29,919
That means the part goes
to the under-under-understudy
141
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,821
slash assistant stage manager.
142
00:05:31,822 --> 00:05:36,425
So, for next weekend,
your main maing is Romeo!
143
00:05:36,426 --> 00:05:39,628
No. But I'm Juliet, your sister.
144
00:05:39,629 --> 00:05:40,629
I know!
145
00:05:40,630 --> 00:05:42,464
We're such a talented family,
146
00:05:42,465 --> 00:05:45,434
like the Gyllenhaals or the Osmonds.
147
00:05:45,435 --> 00:05:47,102
Or the Bushes!
148
00:05:47,103 --> 00:05:48,737
That's disgusting.
149
00:05:48,738 --> 00:05:51,373
We are not playing star-crossed lovers.
150
00:05:51,374 --> 00:05:53,308
It's not like we're actually kissing.
151
00:05:53,309 --> 00:05:55,511
But I might actually kill myself.
152
00:05:55,512 --> 00:05:58,514
I'm gonna go try on my tights.
153
00:05:58,515 --> 00:06:00,449
Ugh, God.
154
00:06:00,450 --> 00:06:02,551
- Look at this.
- What?
155
00:06:02,552 --> 00:06:04,019
I told you.
156
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:05,454
It's bad.
157
00:06:05,455 --> 00:06:06,989
Ruby, would you pass me a fork, please?
158
00:06:06,990 --> 00:06:08,157
Oh, yes.
159
00:06:08,158 --> 00:06:10,025
What? She just passed him a fork, Dre.
160
00:06:10,026 --> 00:06:11,493
And he didn't flinch.
161
00:06:11,494 --> 00:06:13,695
She once put a fork in his neck.
162
00:06:13,696 --> 00:06:15,898
They're being polite.
163
00:06:15,899 --> 00:06:19,357
I mean, you have no idea
that anything's going on between them.
164
00:06:19,359 --> 00:06:21,703
Bow, you look so beautiful.
165
00:06:21,704 --> 00:06:24,706
Look at your hair,
all bouncing and behaving.
166
00:06:24,707 --> 00:06:27,042
Thank you, Ruby.
167
00:06:27,043 --> 00:06:29,478
Oh, yeah. He's tapping that ass.
168
00:06:29,479 --> 00:06:33,048
I told you that wasn't
a coyote I heard last night.
169
00:06:33,049 --> 00:06:35,183
Okay, so, you wouldn't believe
170
00:06:35,183 --> 00:06:37,151
what happened at Valet last night.
171
00:06:37,153 --> 00:06:38,520
So, my parents were a mess,
172
00:06:38,521 --> 00:06:40,922
and I decided I'd get some points of view
173
00:06:40,923 --> 00:06:44,159
from some of the most damaged
and imbalanced people I knew.
174
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,661
So, this morning, she gives him eggs!
175
00:06:46,662 --> 00:06:48,163
Did you say eggs or A.I.D.S.?
176
00:06:48,164 --> 00:06:49,164
I... [sighs]
177
00:06:49,165 --> 00:06:50,398
You know what? It doesn't matter.
178
00:06:50,399 --> 00:06:51,800
The point is...
179
00:06:51,801 --> 00:06:53,001
You're getting a divorce.
180
00:06:53,002 --> 00:06:54,302
Absolutely.
181
00:06:54,303 --> 00:06:55,337
Yeah, that's a given.
182
00:06:55,338 --> 00:06:57,706
- Ah, your first divorce.
- Yeah.
183
00:06:57,707 --> 00:06:58,907
Cherish this.
184
00:06:58,908 --> 00:07:01,710
Give her the house. Visit Thailand.
185
00:07:01,711 --> 00:07:03,044
[Chuckles] What are you talking about?
186
00:07:03,045 --> 00:07:04,746
Thailand... it's got no rules.
187
00:07:04,747 --> 00:07:06,381
It was made for these times.
188
00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,416
It's why the Lord God put it there.
189
00:07:08,417 --> 00:07:10,618
No, I'm asking you,
why am I getting a divorce?
190
00:07:10,619 --> 00:07:12,687
Oh, because you got punked out
like a little bitch
191
00:07:12,688 --> 00:07:15,223
in front of your wife and
then your daddy had to save you.
192
00:07:15,224 --> 00:07:17,225
And then you came in here
and distracted us
193
00:07:17,226 --> 00:07:18,560
with this cockamamie story
194
00:07:18,561 --> 00:07:20,729
about your parents'
loving relationship and A.I.D.S.
195
00:07:20,730 --> 00:07:22,523
- [Clicks tongue]
- Look here, man.
196
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,300
The Valet thing
was no big deal, all right?
197
00:07:25,301 --> 00:07:26,267
I played it cool.
198
00:07:26,268 --> 00:07:27,902
No, Dre, you played it wrong.
199
00:07:27,903 --> 00:07:29,971
Women like their men strong.
200
00:07:29,972 --> 00:07:32,207
We're drawn to that male essence.
201
00:07:32,208 --> 00:07:33,408
Take me, for example.
202
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:34,609
Women used to hate me.
203
00:07:34,610 --> 00:07:35,610
"Used to"?
204
00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:37,178
They could smell my weakness.
205
00:07:37,179 --> 00:07:38,680
Why are you talking in the past tense?
206
00:07:38,681 --> 00:07:39,714
Laura, please.
207
00:07:39,715 --> 00:07:40,748
Stop flirting.
208
00:07:40,749 --> 00:07:42,283
Oh, my God.
209
00:07:42,284 --> 00:07:44,018
Look, Dre, it sounds like
you turned her off.
210
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:45,420
Did you kiss goodbye this morning?
211
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,621
Yeah.
212
00:07:46,622 --> 00:07:47,984
Okay. How was it?
213
00:07:55,297 --> 00:07:56,431
Good?
214
00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:58,299
All: Ohh.
215
00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,835
Oh, no, Dre. Dre,
you've lost your... your thing.
216
00:08:00,836 --> 00:08:04,238
Imagine David Copperfield with no magic.
217
00:08:04,239 --> 00:08:05,773
Well, that's just some weird klepto
218
00:08:05,774 --> 00:08:07,608
who likes to cage up women.
219
00:08:07,609 --> 00:08:10,044
Imagine Billy Joel without his piano...
220
00:08:10,045 --> 00:08:13,114
Just a bloated fella from
long island who loves mudslides.
221
00:08:13,115 --> 00:08:16,918
Exactly. And what's carrot cake
without the carrots?
222
00:08:16,919 --> 00:08:19,454
Cake... delicious, spicy cake.
223
00:08:19,455 --> 00:08:20,822
Stevens: Yeah. Dre's got a point. It's...
224
00:08:20,823 --> 00:08:22,089
Laura: Yeah. Really good.
225
00:08:22,090 --> 00:08:23,357
- You don't even miss the carrots.
- Nah.
226
00:08:23,358 --> 00:08:24,659
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
227
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:25,560
N-now you want to boss up?
228
00:08:25,561 --> 00:08:27,161
- Over carrot cake?
- What...
229
00:08:27,162 --> 00:08:28,896
Yeah, okay, you know what?
230
00:08:28,897 --> 00:08:31,032
- Let's do this.
- Oh, my God.
231
00:08:31,033 --> 00:08:32,333
But what do they know?
232
00:08:32,334 --> 00:08:34,268
They were taking their shirts off at work.
233
00:08:34,269 --> 00:08:36,537
Bow and I were fine.
234
00:08:36,538 --> 00:08:38,873
Our life was just like it had always been.
235
00:08:38,874 --> 00:08:40,474
Hey, hey, babe, babe! What are you doing?
236
00:08:40,475 --> 00:08:42,810
- I said I was gonna do that.
- I know, I just want to enjoy it
237
00:08:42,811 --> 00:08:44,178
before the two-year warranty is up.
238
00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:46,514
What? [Power drill whirs]
239
00:08:46,515 --> 00:08:47,815
Boom.
240
00:08:47,816 --> 00:08:49,283
That ain't going nowhere.
241
00:08:49,284 --> 00:08:51,018
Great job, babe.
242
00:08:51,019 --> 00:08:53,154
No, no, no, no.
Sweaty... real, real sweaty.
243
00:08:53,155 --> 00:08:54,288
Uh, okay. All right.
244
00:08:54,289 --> 00:08:56,691
Meet you in the shower! [Chuckles]
245
00:08:56,692 --> 00:08:58,092
Babe?
246
00:08:58,093 --> 00:09:01,262
The law of attraction
was not going my way.
247
00:09:01,263 --> 00:09:04,921
Bow was seriously
not feeling me right now.
248
00:09:05,373 --> 00:09:06,239
[Both chuckling]
249
00:09:06,818 --> 00:09:07,985
Pops: Oh, Lord.
250
00:09:08,485 --> 00:09:09,885
Where you two coming from?
251
00:09:09,887 --> 00:09:12,322
You see me carrying
a picnic basket in my hand.
252
00:09:12,323 --> 00:09:14,091
Where you think we coming from, fool?
253
00:09:14,092 --> 00:09:14,958
[Laughs]
254
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:15,926
Bless his heart.
255
00:09:15,927 --> 00:09:17,394
Are you sure he's ours?
256
00:09:17,395 --> 00:09:20,107
You know, there was another black baby
in that nursery, but he looked smart.
257
00:09:20,109 --> 00:09:21,264
I bet he was ours.
258
00:09:21,265 --> 00:09:22,232
[Both laugh]
259
00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:23,867
Mm-hmm.
260
00:09:23,868 --> 00:09:27,070
Your father took me
on a picnic and a sunset cruise.
261
00:09:27,071 --> 00:09:29,007
I'm guessing not on his old boat, though.
262
00:09:31,042 --> 00:09:32,909
[Laughing maniacally]
263
00:09:36,514 --> 00:09:38,081
Nothing was ever proven.
264
00:09:38,082 --> 00:09:39,649
Yeah, son. Sometimes boats just blow up.
265
00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:42,419
Mm-hmm. Sometimes it happens twice.
266
00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:44,821
Well, me and my raggedy-ass
boats, huh, sweets?
267
00:09:44,822 --> 00:09:47,490
[Laughs] Raggedy and flammable.
268
00:09:47,491 --> 00:09:48,625
[Both laugh]
269
00:09:48,626 --> 00:09:50,627
Just like your relationship.
270
00:09:53,196 --> 00:09:55,164
- Hey, miss Rainbow.
- Hey.
271
00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:56,232
Smelling good!
272
00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:57,434
Thank you. [Chuckles]
273
00:09:57,435 --> 00:10:00,036
But isn't grilling really your man's job?
274
00:10:00,037 --> 00:10:02,572
Oh, no. Dre and I don't really
get caught up in all that.
275
00:10:02,573 --> 00:10:03,974
Mm-hmm.
276
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:05,709
I didn't see you grilling a lot
277
00:10:05,710 --> 00:10:08,144
before your husband
showed his ass at the Valet.
278
00:10:08,145 --> 00:10:09,079
What?
279
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,714
Everything all right with y'all?
280
00:10:10,715 --> 00:10:12,515
Yeah. Ruby, that was no big deal.
281
00:10:12,516 --> 00:10:14,250
I don't need Dre fighting for me.
282
00:10:14,251 --> 00:10:15,518
Oh, but you do.
283
00:10:15,519 --> 00:10:18,388
See, this is primal, caveman stuff.
284
00:10:18,389 --> 00:10:21,724
Listen, I think Dre and I
are way more evolved than that.
285
00:10:21,725 --> 00:10:22,812
Please.
286
00:10:22,814 --> 00:10:25,617
Don't you remember why you fell
for him in the first place?
287
00:10:26,497 --> 00:10:29,065
Give me the mustard. I'm using it.
288
00:10:29,066 --> 00:10:30,567
Not anymore. [Screams]
289
00:10:30,568 --> 00:10:31,434
Hey!
290
00:10:31,435 --> 00:10:32,635
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
291
00:10:32,636 --> 00:10:33,670
brothers, brothers, brothers, brothers!
292
00:10:33,671 --> 00:10:35,538
All right? We all in the same game.
293
00:10:35,539 --> 00:10:36,773
You all right?
294
00:10:36,774 --> 00:10:37,607
Hey.
295
00:10:37,608 --> 00:10:38,575
I'm Dre.
296
00:10:38,576 --> 00:10:40,877
Rainbow.
297
00:10:40,878 --> 00:10:43,112
He made those guys apologize.
298
00:10:43,113 --> 00:10:45,548
Oh, it was amazing.
299
00:10:45,549 --> 00:10:47,016
Oh, my God.
300
00:10:47,017 --> 00:10:48,284
I'm a cavewoman!
301
00:10:48,285 --> 00:10:51,454
See? There's no such thing as evolution.
302
00:10:51,455 --> 00:10:55,158
I don't know why they teach
that foolishness in the schools.
303
00:10:55,159 --> 00:10:57,327
[Scoffs]
304
00:10:57,328 --> 00:11:01,531
My lips, two blushing pilgrims,
305
00:11:01,532 --> 00:11:06,169
ready stand to smooth that
rough touch with a tender kiss.
306
00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:07,904
I'm not doing this.
307
00:11:07,905 --> 00:11:10,039
Actually, your line is,
"for saints have hands
308
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:14,277
that pilgrims' hands do touch,"
and then we touch palms.
309
00:11:14,278 --> 00:11:15,812
Go ahead. Touch my palms.
310
00:11:15,813 --> 00:11:16,946
Dude.
311
00:11:16,947 --> 00:11:18,781
No.
312
00:11:18,782 --> 00:11:20,650
[Sighs]
313
00:11:20,651 --> 00:11:21,884
Help me out.
314
00:11:21,885 --> 00:11:25,421
Let lips do what hands do.
315
00:11:25,422 --> 00:11:29,192
Grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
316
00:11:29,193 --> 00:11:30,593
Seriously?
317
00:11:30,594 --> 00:11:31,961
This feels right to you?
318
00:11:35,499 --> 00:11:38,567
So, Jack and Diane were
getting attached to the idea
319
00:11:38,568 --> 00:11:40,536
of Ruby and pops together,
320
00:11:40,537 --> 00:11:43,539
and to be honest,
it was making me nervous.
321
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:46,575
This is me and your grandmother
on a boat today.
322
00:11:46,576 --> 00:11:47,576
Wow. Wow.
323
00:11:47,577 --> 00:11:48,477
Oh, check this out.
324
00:11:48,478 --> 00:11:50,246
We saw a whale.
325
00:11:50,247 --> 00:11:52,281
You look so happy together!
326
00:11:52,282 --> 00:11:53,916
I know. We are happy.
327
00:11:53,917 --> 00:11:55,551
Are you guys gonna get married?
328
00:11:55,552 --> 00:11:57,453
You should get married on a whale.
329
00:11:57,454 --> 00:11:59,388
Oh, yeah, that would be magical.
330
00:11:59,389 --> 00:12:00,489
Uh-huh.
331
00:12:00,490 --> 00:12:02,024
I think I hear an ice cream truck.
332
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,292
[Scoffs] I don't hear it.
333
00:12:03,293 --> 00:12:05,312
Do you really want to take that chance?
334
00:12:08,698 --> 00:12:10,232
[Exhales deeply]
335
00:12:10,233 --> 00:12:13,302
Pops, what's going on with this
mess with you and moms, man?
336
00:12:13,303 --> 00:12:15,404
It's not a mess, son. It's a dance.
It's a beautiful dance.
337
00:12:15,405 --> 00:12:18,574
Honestly, when things are good with me
and your mama, I never feel more alive.
338
00:12:18,575 --> 00:12:21,210
- Until she tries to kill you.
- Well, then I feel lucky to be alive.
339
00:12:21,211 --> 00:12:22,378
Told you... it's a dance.
340
00:12:22,379 --> 00:12:24,446
Don't worry about my business. Mind yours.
341
00:12:24,447 --> 00:12:27,716
Your wife is grilling steaks,
hanging flat-screens.
342
00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:28,817
You are in trouble, son.
343
00:12:28,818 --> 00:12:31,754
Yeah, I am, aren't I?
344
00:12:31,755 --> 00:12:34,056
Pops, look, I don't even know
how to turn this around.
345
00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:36,592
Well, why don't you try reminding her
of why she was attracted
346
00:12:36,594 --> 00:12:38,899
- to an idiot like you in the first place?
- Hey.
347
00:12:41,564 --> 00:12:43,632
[Gasps] Aah! Hey!
348
00:12:43,633 --> 00:12:45,400
[Indistinct shouting]
349
00:12:45,401 --> 00:12:47,169
Brothers, brothers, brothers, stop
the violence! Stop the violence!
350
00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:48,203
Man, we all in the same game.
351
00:12:48,204 --> 00:12:50,139
Man, get your hands off of me!
352
00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:51,740
[Men grunting]
353
00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:01,650
Oh, hey. How you doing?
354
00:13:01,651 --> 00:13:03,685
Good. I'm Dre.
355
00:13:03,686 --> 00:13:06,021
Hmm. Even I fell a little bit
in love with me that day.
356
00:13:06,022 --> 00:13:06,922
Then be that guy.
357
00:13:07,890 --> 00:13:09,224
Or don't.
358
00:13:09,225 --> 00:13:11,893
Look, Bow hung that television
at the exact right height,
359
00:13:11,894 --> 00:13:14,563
not too high, like the one
you hung in my room,
360
00:13:14,564 --> 00:13:16,465
neck all hurting after "Scandal."
361
00:13:16,466 --> 00:13:17,632
[Scoffs]
362
00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:19,267
Maybe pops was right.
363
00:13:19,268 --> 00:13:21,436
I need to check out "Scandal."
364
00:13:21,437 --> 00:13:23,398
Oh, and I also need to fix
things with Bow.
365
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,501
I knew just what I had to do.
366
00:13:26,375 --> 00:13:27,676
- Dre.
- Hmm?
367
00:13:27,677 --> 00:13:29,344
What are we doing in this neighborhood?
368
00:13:29,345 --> 00:13:32,614
Please tell me you are not gonna
buy me another fake purse.
369
00:13:32,615 --> 00:13:34,916
I've never bought you a fake purse.
370
00:13:34,917 --> 00:13:36,218
- Dre.
- Hmm?
371
00:13:36,219 --> 00:13:39,521
You know that "Chanel" has one "N," right?
372
00:13:39,522 --> 00:13:41,923
- I do now.
- Mm-hmm.
373
00:13:41,924 --> 00:13:43,758
- Wait. Larry's?
- Uh-huh.
374
00:13:43,759 --> 00:13:44,726
- Babe.
- What?
375
00:13:44,727 --> 00:13:45,860
You do not need to do this.
376
00:13:45,861 --> 00:13:48,330
Hey, hey, hey, babe,
I don't know what you're talking about.
377
00:13:48,331 --> 00:13:51,132
I just want to get me
a dangerous chili dog.
378
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:52,100
Mm-kay. [Chuckles]
379
00:13:54,070 --> 00:13:55,637
Oh, hey, baby, stay close.
380
00:13:55,638 --> 00:13:56,771
- Turn your ring around.
- What?
381
00:13:56,772 --> 00:14:00,442
- Turn... turn your ring around.
- Okay, okay. Okay.
382
00:14:00,443 --> 00:14:01,976
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
383
00:14:01,977 --> 00:14:03,812
We were here, all right? There's a line!
384
00:14:03,813 --> 00:14:06,181
Respect the line 'cause I got
nothing to lose.
385
00:14:06,182 --> 00:14:07,916
Nothing!
386
00:14:07,917 --> 00:14:09,217
Oh, my God.
387
00:14:09,218 --> 00:14:11,252
I just needed some napkins.
Things are greasy.
388
00:14:12,388 --> 00:14:13,488
Yeah, okay.
389
00:14:15,658 --> 00:14:17,468
Got you some wet-naps, too.
390
00:14:20,095 --> 00:14:22,263
Dre, uh, can we order now?
391
00:14:22,264 --> 00:14:23,731
You know what, baby? You order first.
392
00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:25,433
I'm gonna keep my eye
on old boy over there
393
00:14:25,434 --> 00:14:27,635
'cause, you know, sometimes that
napkin thing can be a trick.
394
00:14:27,636 --> 00:14:28,903
Ah, okay.
395
00:14:28,904 --> 00:14:29,971
All right. Look, here he come.
396
00:14:29,972 --> 00:14:32,140
- Okay. Oh, God. Oh, boy.
- Hey, bro. What up?!
397
00:14:32,141 --> 00:14:33,274
Okay.
398
00:14:33,275 --> 00:14:34,876
I think you dropped a $20.
399
00:14:37,156 --> 00:14:38,490
Oh.
400
00:14:39,715 --> 00:14:40,882
Thank you.
401
00:14:40,883 --> 00:14:42,884
Thank you. Thanks.
402
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:48,156
- Let's go, baby. This place is too tame.
- Okay.
403
00:14:48,157 --> 00:14:49,857
You made your point. Can we go home?
404
00:14:49,858 --> 00:14:51,492
Uh-huh, sure we can...
405
00:14:51,493 --> 00:14:52,927
As soon as I turn down this alley!
406
00:14:52,928 --> 00:14:54,195
Wait, Dre! No, Dre!
407
00:14:54,196 --> 00:14:55,530
Aah! Something could happen
to me down here!
408
00:14:55,531 --> 00:14:56,864
Dre, don't do this!
409
00:14:56,865 --> 00:14:58,800
Dre! I know you're brave!
410
00:14:58,801 --> 00:15:00,401
Dre!
411
00:15:00,402 --> 00:15:02,570
[Dog barking in distance]
412
00:15:02,571 --> 00:15:04,238
[Screams] Run!
413
00:15:05,374 --> 00:15:07,041
- Run!
- What?
414
00:15:07,042 --> 00:15:08,643
Run!
415
00:15:08,644 --> 00:15:10,678
[Dog barking] Ugh! Don't bite me!
416
00:15:10,679 --> 00:15:12,013
Don't bite me!
417
00:15:12,014 --> 00:15:13,414
Don't bite...
418
00:15:13,415 --> 00:15:14,482
Oh, damn, I'm gonna die.
419
00:15:14,483 --> 00:15:15,783
Girl: Pickles! Come here, Pickles!
420
00:15:15,784 --> 00:15:17,218
Don't bite me! Leave me alone!
421
00:15:17,219 --> 00:15:18,286
There you are.
422
00:15:18,287 --> 00:15:21,756
- Oh, God.
- I'm sorry, sir. She loves giving kisses.
423
00:15:21,757 --> 00:15:24,792
Look, Dre. Pickles loves giving kisses.
424
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:25,960
[Whimpers]
425
00:15:25,961 --> 00:15:27,361
Don't leave me like this, Pickles.
426
00:15:27,362 --> 00:15:29,375
Finish me off.
427
00:15:30,662 --> 00:15:31,595
[Whimpering]
428
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,302
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
429
00:15:33,304 --> 00:15:36,197
Ooh. Baby, that peroxide stings.
430
00:15:36,199 --> 00:15:37,500
What is that, medical-grade?
431
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,001
It's just water.
432
00:15:39,002 --> 00:15:41,370
Oh, God. Even water's punking me.
433
00:15:41,371 --> 00:15:43,172
Oh, Dre, you need to stop this.
434
00:15:43,173 --> 00:15:44,218
- Me?
- Yeah.
435
00:15:44,220 --> 00:15:46,008
You're the one who can barely look at me
436
00:15:46,009 --> 00:15:47,510
- since the Valet thing.
- [Sighs] I know.
437
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,212
Now, I'm not proud of my reaction.
438
00:15:49,213 --> 00:15:52,848
I mean, I am an evolved woman
with multiple degrees,
439
00:15:52,849 --> 00:15:55,651
but there is just this primal part of me
440
00:15:55,652 --> 00:15:57,920
that really wanted you
to take that guy out.
441
00:15:57,921 --> 00:15:59,322
And it's killing me that I didn't.
442
00:15:59,323 --> 00:16:00,756
Hey, before we were married,
443
00:16:00,757 --> 00:16:02,258
I would have been the first guy
to jump into a fight.
444
00:16:02,259 --> 00:16:04,026
- Mm-hmm.
- But I can't now.
445
00:16:04,027 --> 00:16:05,428
I've got too much to lose...
446
00:16:05,429 --> 00:16:08,764
You, the kids, my "s" [Gasps] class.
447
00:16:08,765 --> 00:16:10,199
Ow.
448
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,369
Baby, I want you to know
that if anything or anyone
449
00:16:13,370 --> 00:16:15,304
ever really threatened you or the kids,
450
00:16:15,305 --> 00:16:17,673
there's nothing that I wouldn't
do to protect you.
451
00:16:17,674 --> 00:16:19,241
I know that.
452
00:16:19,242 --> 00:16:21,344
And I wouldn't want you
to go back to being the person
453
00:16:21,345 --> 00:16:23,212
that would fight two guys over mustard.
454
00:16:23,213 --> 00:16:25,648
Two guys? More like six or seven.
455
00:16:25,649 --> 00:16:27,149
Or... two.
456
00:16:27,150 --> 00:16:28,284
Two big guys.
457
00:16:28,285 --> 00:16:29,618
Or teenage boys.
458
00:16:29,619 --> 00:16:31,087
Teenage ex-cons, all right?
459
00:16:31,088 --> 00:16:32,455
- Maybe. Yes.
- Hmm?
460
00:16:32,456 --> 00:16:33,956
I... they had a lot of tattoos.
461
00:16:33,957 --> 00:16:35,224
- And piercings.
- Yes. Of course.
462
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:36,926
And... okay, yeah. Okay?
463
00:16:36,927 --> 00:16:39,361
Hey, mom. Hey, dad.
464
00:16:39,362 --> 00:16:40,696
- Dre: Hey.
- Hey, babies.
465
00:16:40,697 --> 00:16:43,132
Ooh, how was your day
with grandma and pops?
466
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:44,667
- It was awesome!
- Yeah?
467
00:16:44,668 --> 00:16:46,035
It was confusing.
468
00:16:46,036 --> 00:16:48,170
We went to an ice-cream store.
469
00:16:48,171 --> 00:16:50,506
Where pops told grandma
470
00:16:50,507 --> 00:16:52,608
he wished she'd get run over by a big rig.
471
00:16:52,609 --> 00:16:53,742
- What?
- What?
472
00:16:53,743 --> 00:16:55,678
That's not exactly what I said, now.
473
00:16:55,679 --> 00:16:56,946
Oh!
474
00:16:56,947 --> 00:16:59,949
Oh, I hope you get run over by a big rig!
475
00:16:59,950 --> 00:17:02,751
I hope it keeps going after it hits you!
476
00:17:02,752 --> 00:17:04,486
Take me, big rig.
477
00:17:04,487 --> 00:17:09,024
Take me away from
this sorry excuse for a man!
478
00:17:09,025 --> 00:17:10,693
But then they made up.
479
00:17:10,694 --> 00:17:11,994
It was fun.
480
00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:13,462
But confusing.
481
00:17:13,463 --> 00:17:14,596
Hey, kids, go get ready for dinner.
482
00:17:14,597 --> 00:17:16,598
Okay.
483
00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:19,568
Give me that shirt, sugar.
Let me get that stain out for you.
484
00:17:19,569 --> 00:17:21,570
All right, miss Ruby. [Chuckles]
485
00:17:21,571 --> 00:17:24,039
You two are doing it again.
486
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,207
Doing what?
487
00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:27,543
Dragging everybody into your mess.
488
00:17:27,544 --> 00:17:29,411
Pops, this has to end now.
489
00:17:29,412 --> 00:17:30,913
You know, I put braces on them teeth.
490
00:17:30,914 --> 00:17:32,548
Be a shame if I have to knock them out.
491
00:17:32,549 --> 00:17:34,950
Now, you watch your tone.
I'm still your father, son.
492
00:17:34,952 --> 00:17:36,653
Yeah, and I'm their father, pops.
493
00:17:36,653 --> 00:17:39,087
I don't want my children going
through what I went through
494
00:17:39,088 --> 00:17:40,489
over and over,
495
00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:42,257
thinking you two
were getting back together
496
00:17:42,258 --> 00:17:43,625
only to have my heart broken.
497
00:17:43,626 --> 00:17:45,160
And then to testify in court
498
00:17:45,161 --> 00:17:48,463
about my mama's secret stash
of boat dynamite.
499
00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:50,625
- Not happening!
- Boy, let me tell you something.
500
00:17:50,627 --> 00:17:52,433
No, no, let me tell you something.
501
00:17:52,435 --> 00:17:56,138
End it now or leave my damn house.
502
00:18:03,112 --> 00:18:05,380
I need something out of my trunk.
503
00:18:06,273 --> 00:18:09,351
Hey, you gonna let little Andre
punk you like that?
504
00:18:09,352 --> 00:18:10,786
'Course he is.
505
00:18:10,787 --> 00:18:14,790
Old soft man can't even stand up
to his own son.
506
00:18:14,791 --> 00:18:17,046
Wash your own damn shirt!
507
00:18:19,295 --> 00:18:20,195
And you.
508
00:18:20,196 --> 00:18:21,763
Me? What?
509
00:18:21,764 --> 00:18:23,343
Get a mirror.
510
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,869
Welcome back, real Ruby!
511
00:18:27,870 --> 00:18:29,771
- [Notorious B.I.G.'S "Big Poppa" playing]
- Babe.
512
00:18:29,772 --> 00:18:31,072
[Sighs]
513
00:18:31,073 --> 00:18:34,109
- Look, babe, I know I was harsh, but...
- You were incredible.
514
00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:35,277
I was?
515
00:18:35,278 --> 00:18:36,745
Yes!
516
00:18:36,746 --> 00:18:39,614
Standing up to pops like that,
looking out for our kids.
517
00:18:39,615 --> 00:18:40,749
Ooh!
518
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:42,150
Oh, you liked that, huh?
519
00:18:42,151 --> 00:18:43,551
Oh, I liked that. I liked that.
520
00:18:43,552 --> 00:18:44,986
Oh, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to him
521
00:18:44,987 --> 00:18:47,122
about some other things... paying rent,
522
00:18:47,123 --> 00:18:49,758
parking his car too far
to the left on the drive...
523
00:18:49,759 --> 00:18:52,460
- [Inhales sharply] Ohh!
- Mowing the lawn every Sunday.
524
00:18:52,461 --> 00:18:54,596
You gonna talk to him about his drinking?
525
00:18:54,597 --> 00:18:55,864
No, I'm not gonna talk to him about that.
526
00:18:55,865 --> 00:18:56,698
No. Mnh-mnh.
527
00:18:56,699 --> 00:18:57,732
- Don't do that.
- No.
528
00:18:57,733 --> 00:18:58,833
- Baby.
- Hmm?
529
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:00,201
Want to go upstairs?
530
00:19:00,202 --> 00:19:01,870
We better hurry before pops comes back.
531
00:19:01,871 --> 00:19:03,571
You know, he could be grabbing a tire iron
532
00:19:03,572 --> 00:19:04,973
or grabbing a ham... I never know.
533
00:19:04,974 --> 00:19:07,275
- Let's go, baby. Come on!
- [Laughing] Okay!
534
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:10,645
Law of attraction works
in mysterious ways.
535
00:19:10,646 --> 00:19:13,915
I didn't need to be the caveman
I was 20 years ago.
536
00:19:13,916 --> 00:19:15,884
I'm a cave dad now.
537
00:19:15,885 --> 00:19:18,353
[Car alarm chirps, tires screech]
538
00:19:20,763 --> 00:19:22,097
Here's to my love.
539
00:19:22,098 --> 00:19:23,098
[Chair squeaking]
540
00:19:23,099 --> 00:19:25,967
Oh, true apothecary [Gasps]
541
00:19:27,168 --> 00:19:28,836
Thy drugs are quick.
542
00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:29,789
[Shudders]
543
00:19:29,791 --> 00:19:33,460
Thus, with a kiss... I die.
544
00:19:34,108 --> 00:19:36,877
Can't you see other people
trying to enjoy the show?
545
00:19:36,878 --> 00:19:39,843
Can't you see all those other seats
you could be sitting in?
546
00:19:40,315 --> 00:19:43,684
When are you just gonna
stop waking up in the morning?
547
00:19:43,685 --> 00:19:47,455
Question I asked myself every day
when I was married to you.
548
00:19:47,456 --> 00:19:51,358
Hearing them snipe like this
was music to my ears.
549
00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:53,861
The love affair was over... for now.
550
00:19:53,862 --> 00:19:56,597
Jack and Diane seemed no worse for wear,
551
00:19:56,598 --> 00:19:59,200
and there was only a small fire.
552
00:19:59,201 --> 00:20:01,602
[Laughs maniacally]
553
00:20:01,603 --> 00:20:02,603
Whoo!
554
00:20:05,307 --> 00:20:06,407
Hey, baby.
555
00:20:06,408 --> 00:20:07,775
Hey.
556
00:20:07,776 --> 00:20:09,543
Who's your understudy?
557
00:20:09,544 --> 00:20:10,811
Wait for it.
558
00:20:10,812 --> 00:20:13,547
Yea, noise?
559
00:20:13,548 --> 00:20:15,716
Then I'll be brief.
560
00:20:15,717 --> 00:20:20,554
O happy dagger, this is thy sheath.
561
00:20:20,555 --> 00:20:21,388
[Groans]
562
00:20:21,389 --> 00:20:23,724
There rust...
563
00:20:23,725 --> 00:20:26,727
And let me... die.
564
00:20:29,497 --> 00:20:31,298
[Cheers and applause] [Laughing
Oh, my God!
565
00:20:31,299 --> 00:20:33,333
Oh, my God! Yeah!
566
00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:35,502
That was incredible!
567
00:20:35,503 --> 00:20:37,004
Junior!
568
00:20:37,005 --> 00:20:40,407
Oh, my God!
569
00:20:40,408 --> 00:20:42,576
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
570
00:20:42,577 --> 00:20:43,977
Seriously?
571
00:20:43,978 --> 00:20:45,345
This feels right to you?
572
00:20:45,346 --> 00:20:47,346
573
00:20:47,396 --> 00:20:51,946
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