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1
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,605
May I help you?
2
00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:51,472
I hope so.
3
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:55,981
I'm looking for a one-eyed elephant
named Bruno.
4
00:01:56,116 --> 00:02:00,052
- You must be Capitaine Defense.
- Yes.
5
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,553
Hey, I am Marcello.
6
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,646
Welcome to Barcelona.
7
00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:06,952
Oh, we are so glad to have you here.
8
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:12,999
A Belgian spy is just what we need to
complete our little international alliance.
9
00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:16,227
- Alliance?
- Oh, you will love this assignment.
10
00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:18,099
Believe me, it's every spy's dream.
11
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:22,004
- But come, we must meet the others.
- The others? Others, what others?
12
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:26,135
Well, the European Allies
are working here together as a team.
13
00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:30,342
We have the very best agents
in the intelligence community,
14
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:33,385
a very "crack squad,"
as the British might say.
15
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:37,183
I am, of course, Italiano,
and a master of disguise.
16
00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:38,814
I used to be a tailor.
17
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:43,225
Then there is Charles, a Frenchman,
who used to be a tax inspector.
18
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,887
And Cunningham, the Englishman,
19
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:48,434
in peacetime
he wrote novels and thrillers,
20
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:50,799
and now in wartime
he is acting them out,
21
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,600
which he will like a little bit, I'm sure.
22
00:03:02,415 --> 00:03:03,882
Now, over there, Captain,
23
00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:06,178
you see
the German espionage community.
24
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:07,310
They're here in the same caf�?
25
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,981
But of course, otherwise we spend
all the day following each other around.
26
00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:12,352
Right.
27
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,221
- So, if we're here...
- Exactly.
28
00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,194
We can all watch Juanita.
29
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:21,199
What we are doing, Capitaine,
is critical to the war effort.
30
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,598
Right. Right.
31
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:26,138
- You see, Spain is neutral.
- Right, neutral.
32
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:29,936
The Germans, naturalmente,
want her to come in on their side.
33
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:33,945
While we are determined
that she comes in on ours.
34
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,015
It all depends on the King.
35
00:03:36,115 --> 00:03:40,017
Whose wife, of course,
was a favorite of your Queen Victoria's.
36
00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,644
And therefore, on our side.
37
00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:47,089
- But his father is a German.
- So, she supports the Germans.
38
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,425
You see that chap over there?
39
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,022
He's the head of the German team
40
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:57,034
and as tricky a customer
as you would wish for.
41
00:03:57,136 --> 00:04:02,938
Every day, Colonel Schmidt's influence
in Spain grows and grows.
42
00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:04,976
It's huge. Our job...
43
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,514
Is to put a spike in the bastard's wheel.
44
00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:10,981
Right. So, how can I help?
45
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,315
Get yourself a disguise, naturalmente.
46
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,580
A disguise?
47
00:04:15,688 --> 00:04:16,814
A job.
48
00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,386
Just don't let them know you're a spy.
49
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:22,024
A job?
50
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,228
A job of work.
51
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:27,197
Do you know anybody in Barcelona
who might be able to give you a job?
52
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:30,895
And, of course, he must be somebody
you trust completamente.
53
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,546
Excuse me, could you tell me
where I could find Mr. Picasso?
54
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,556
Right over there, se�or.
55
00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:30,128
- Mr. Picasso?
- Yes.
56
00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:33,062
You probably don't remember,
but about 10 years ago in Paris,
57
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,225
when you had a falling out with Degas,
58
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,235
an American kid forged
one of your paintings...
59
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,805
And another American kid sold it for me.
60
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:43,569
Ah, yes, I remember very well.
61
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,941
I needed the money to pay for a party.
62
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,776
- Don't tell me you're...
- Yep!
63
00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:54,410
Norman, it's good to see you again.
How is the painting coming along, huh?
64
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:58,047
No, Norman Rockwell was the other kid.
I'm Indiana Jones.
65
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,882
Ah, well, we can't all be talented.
66
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:04,519
Ah, poor old Degas,
who thinks of him now?
67
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:09,829
It is all Picasso, Picasso.
68
00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,166
Well, I just wondered
if you wanted any help with...
69
00:06:13,272 --> 00:06:14,967
You think Picasso wants help
with painting?
70
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:17,941
You think any painter just walks in off
the street to paint like Picasso paints?
71
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,739
No, I meant with the scenery. Just...
72
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,541
All right. Hold on.
73
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,775
You want job, huh?
74
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,750
Come with me.
75
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,787
I have got a better idea.
76
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,082
But Mr. Diaghilev...
77
00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:35,923
I thought I could make a revolution in art
with movement and music and color,
78
00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:38,258
but with a performance such as yours,
79
00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:40,832
these weapons turn to dust in my hand!
80
00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:45,302
- Mr. Diaghilev...
- The old order triumphs,
81
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:50,934
all because you cannot stand still.
82
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:54,774
Hi, Sergei, I have new dancer for you.
83
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,075
- What?
- Dancer?
84
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,616
I never want to see another dancer.
85
00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:02,415
- I'm not a dancer.
- Ah, then you're hired.
86
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:03,614
Hey, look...
87
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:09,057
I need someone who knows
how to stand still.
88
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,424
Drop your trousers.
89
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,862
Now, listen...
90
00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:15,957
I wish to look at your legs.
91
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,265
You want a job, don't you?
92
00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:25,634
Well?
93
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,126
Very well, I will make you a eunuch.
94
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:42,524
A eunuch?
95
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,654
In this, who could resist?
96
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,595
Spain sells France the mules to haul
97
00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:52,330
the guns around
the Western Front, see?
98
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,531
So, if the German agents
poison the mules,
99
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,733
the French will accuse the Spanish
of selling them sick animals,
100
00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:59,073
and therefore, will refuse to form
an alliance with them.
101
00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:00,509
And the Germans will be delighted.
102
00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:03,138
But what a rotten trick.
103
00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:07,613
Charles, this is war.
We've got to be rotten.
104
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,587
We can't beat the Germans by behaving
like English gentlemen.
105
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,454
Oh, if only we could.
106
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,899
A haircut, please, barber.
107
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:30,942
I think the se�or would
prefer a shave today?
108
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:36,174
The razor is extremely sharp
this morning.
109
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:42,050
Oh, yes. Yes, I meant I want a shave.
110
00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:47,285
I have stropped the razor 54 times,
se�or.
111
00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:51,190
Then I expect it will be sharp.
112
00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:00,263
Ah, Captain, perfect timing.
113
00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,465
Did you get a good job, Capitaine?
114
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,941
I only got the worst job in the world.
115
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:09,481
Can you believe some crazy Russian
tried to make me a eunuch in a ballet?
116
00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,383
Se�or Diaghilev?
117
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,851
He offered you a job
in the Ballet Russes?
118
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,081
And you turned it down?
119
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,251
Well, of course.
120
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:24,728
Well, can you see me tripping about
on a stage like the sugarplum fairy?
121
00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:29,823
The Ballet Russes is not
that kind of a show, Capitaine.
122
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:31,699
Absolutely not.
123
00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:32,930
When they perform Sheherazade,
124
00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:36,440
they have men and women
actually making love on the stage.
125
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:38,942
It's disgusting,
you don't know where to look.
126
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,069
Well, that's great, but I...
127
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,441
And when they do a thing called
The Rite of Spring,
128
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:42,809
they have people fighting in the aisles.
129
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,884
This does not happen in Swan Lake,
Capitaine.
130
00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:46,974
That's fine. But I'm...
131
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,747
I've heard say that
Colonel Schmidt himself
132
00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:50,845
has fallen in love
with one of the dancers.
133
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:56,054
There is no better cover
for a spy in Spain in this momento.
134
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,492
- Well, sure, but I'm not...
- Capitaine.
135
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,329
I think you should regard this
136
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:06,064
- as top military priorit�.
- Top.
137
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,504
Anyway, you got nice legs.
138
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,983
Igor, to the left.
139
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:29,721
Igor. To the left, Igor.
140
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:31,962
He's talking to you.
141
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,568
My name is Indiana Jones,
Mr. Diaghilev.
142
00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:40,730
Don't be silly.
That's not a Russian name.
143
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,535
Neither am I.
144
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:47,102
Everybody in my ballet company
is Russian, Igor.
145
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,840
He has English Russians.
146
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,609
Italian Russians.
147
00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,274
Et French Russians.
148
00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,479
You think I can afford to bring
Russian Russians
149
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,522
all the way from Russia?
150
00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:00,421
Mr. Diaghilev,
it's a Russian Ballet company.
151
00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:04,552
Igor, just move to the left!
152
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:16,271
Indiana, you were born to be a eunuch.
153
00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:18,502
Come, meet my fianc�e, Olga.
154
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:25,710
Hi, there.
How do you like my costume, Indy?
155
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:29,515
- That's a costume?
- Of course.
156
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,715
What do you expect
when you hire Picasso?
157
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:35,783
Stravinsky revolutionizes the music,
Nijinsky revolutionizes the dance,
158
00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:38,523
I revolutionize the look!
159
00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:47,267
Nadia, let me introduce you to the young
man you were whispering to just now.
160
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,773
Indy, Miss Kamenevsky.
161
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:54,835
The man with too many names.
Delighted to meet you, Igor.
162
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:59,116
Miss Kamenevsky,
163
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:03,279
you are as beautiful as ever.
164
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,187
And so are you, Colonel Schmidt.
165
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:10,592
Se�or Picasso,
when we have won the war,
166
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:12,459
and I will have to advise Berlin
167
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,965
which artist Germany shall favor,
168
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:19,367
I regret to say
you will not be among them.
169
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:24,234
I suppose it gives you some kind
of perverse pleasure
170
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:26,368
to wear this kind of thing, young man?
171
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,380
I think you were looking for
the house manager, Colonel Schmidt.
172
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,950
Of course, the box he's offered
the embassy
173
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,781
is an insult to the entire German race.
174
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:37,617
They're going to be so crowded in there.
175
00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,089
Box office is this way.
176
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,359
There, look.
177
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,161
One o'clock on the starboard.
178
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:50,735
Can you make out the number?
179
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:54,237
Eight, and I think it's a three. Seven.
180
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,702
87.
181
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:59,573
Haven't spotted that one before.
Bit of luck.
182
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:02,909
Is it really that important, writing down
the numbers of German U-boats?
183
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:06,178
It's absolutely vital,
and terribly interesting, don't you think?
184
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,448
I have a collection
of 69 U-boat numbers,
185
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:11,523
not including duplicate sightings.
186
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,956
Wow, that's really impressive.
187
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,550
Just solid, unrelenting work.
188
00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:19,722
Any champagne left there, old chap?
Just a drop, no more.
189
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:20,924
No.
190
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:24,696
So, you successfully infiltrated
the old tutu brigade, eh?
191
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,897
And identified
Colonel Schmidt's girlfriend.
192
00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:30,635
Nadia Kamenevsky,
just a dancer, I'm afraid.
193
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:34,270
I was rather hoping he'd be lusting
after something more embarrassing.
194
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:38,248
You mean, you wished he'd make eyes
at the Queen or something.
195
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,750
Exactly, or a duchess at least.
196
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:45,449
Endless possibilities for
diplomatic incidents there.
197
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:49,961
Hey, what if we helped Colonel Schmidt
find himself a duchess?
198
00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:53,225
Captain, that is exactly
the kind of dirty trick
199
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,562
we've been looking for for months.
200
00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:10,709
No, no, no, no.
We must have more passion.
201
00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:14,284
This is supposed to be
an orgy of harem women,
202
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:17,947
not a conference
of certified accountants.
203
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:22,016
Smolder, Miss Kamenevsky, smolder.
204
00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:25,426
Pretend you're stroking
Colonel Schmidt's bristles.
205
00:14:57,229 --> 00:15:01,188
Sorry, ma'am. I didn't hear you.
I just came...
206
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:02,892
Ma'am?
207
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,197
Hello?
208
00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,601
Ma'am?
209
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:40,995
Igor, what are you doing here?
210
00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:45,237
I couldn't help myself, Nadia.
211
00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:47,703
What do you mean?
212
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:51,239
I just had to talk to you.
213
00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:54,242
Oh, I see. What about?
214
00:15:58,624 --> 00:15:59,886
The ballet.
215
00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:01,960
The ballet, you know,
the ballet that we're in.
216
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:03,722
Yes, indeed. It's called Sheherazade.
217
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:07,128
Right. Right. Well, you see, my part,
218
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,831
I'm not really sure how to give it depth.
219
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,865
Resonant, real, real feeling.
220
00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:18,207
Igor, all you have to do is
hold a scimitar.
221
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,339
True, true, true. Yes, that's exactly true,
222
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:25,907
but I wanted to hold it with resonance.
223
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,087
I think I could show you.
224
00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:33,016
Did you want to take me to lunch
so I can tell you about resonance?
225
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:35,093
That would be perfect.
226
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,823
What about tomorrow?
Caf� Oporto? 12:30?
227
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,957
That would be great. Perfect.
228
00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:46,103
And, Nadia, thank you.
229
00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:55,803
An entire love letter from
Colonel Schmidt to Nadia Kamenevsky.
230
00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,439
"Nadia, my dearest,
231
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:03,214
"from your very own adoring Prussian..."
Oh, terrific.
232
00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:07,656
"Your voluptuousness overwhelms me
every time we kiss."
233
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:11,753
- This is just what we want.
- But it's so far below the belt.
234
00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:15,391
Marcello is the finest copier
in all of Spain.
235
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:20,370
Only this time, I copy Consuela
instead of Nadia.
236
00:17:20,739 --> 00:17:25,506
But is it right to blacken
that poor woman's name?
237
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:28,136
After all, she is the Contessa of Toledo.
238
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,238
Precisely. And if the Count of Toledo
239
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:32,579
thinks his wife is
making love to a German,
240
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:35,118
the Kaiser's court in Spain
is absolutely done for.
241
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,415
And the Count is,
how you say in English,
242
00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,151
a semi-psychotic, paranoid introvert.
243
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:43,990
An exceptionally jealous blighter.
244
00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:45,427
But do you think the letter alone
will convince him?
245
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:48,659
Absolutely. The letter's just a start.
246
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:53,295
As soon as Marcello's finished tracing,
he's going upstairs to have his hair cut.
247
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,532
Oh, no. Cunningham,
I refuse to go to the barber's.
248
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:56,608
Marcello?
249
00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:59,700
No, no, my hair, she's only just
grown back from last time.
250
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,040
Pull yourself together.
251
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,740
The women, they recoil
for weeks afterwards.
252
00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:08,218
This is war.
You must have your hair cut.
253
00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:20,024
I hope you like paella.
254
00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:21,963
I have ordered special paella for two.
255
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:25,628
It's one of my favorite dishes.
256
00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:28,331
That's very fortunate, Igor.
257
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,000
Paella is my favorite dish, too.
258
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,211
I like the element of surprise.
259
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,612
You never know what you will find.
260
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,222
Well.
261
00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:50,960
See, I was telling the truth. Wasn't I?
262
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,691
I do like paella.
263
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,097
Do you always tell the truth, Igor?
264
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:57,361
Always.
265
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:02,673
Then what were you doing
with Colonel Schmidt's letter just now?
266
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,469
I was putting it back,
so you wouldn't know that I'd read it.
267
00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:08,068
You wicked man.
268
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,876
You stole Colonel Schmidt's love letter.
269
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,712
I couldn't help myself, Nadia.
270
00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,718
I just had to know
what he'd been saying to you.
271
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,518
Indy, you're jealous of Colonel Schmidt.
272
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:23,426
Nadia, the man is not fit to do up
your ballet pumps.
273
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:25,321
Every time I see the two of you together,
274
00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:27,625
I have to hold myself back
to just keep from hitting him.
275
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:29,997
Oh, don't be cruel to the poor Colonel.
276
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:31,797
He's quite harmless, really.
277
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,838
But what can you possibly see in him?
278
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:36,908
Oh, roses, champagne,
expensive dinners.
279
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,775
If it gives an elderly German officer
pleasure to give them to me,
280
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,972
who could possibly object?
281
00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:45,811
- Well, for starters...
- Don't let's talk about him.
282
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,613
Let's talk about you.
283
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:51,678
I want to discover everything
there is to know about you.
284
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,301
Excuse me, Contessa.
285
00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,604
But is that the residence of
the Marquis of Segovia?
286
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,440
No, this is the residence
of the Duke of Almeda.
287
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,741
The Marquis lives much nearer the sea.
288
00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:18,008
Thank you, se�ora.
289
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:20,710
You've saved me
an unnecessary journey.
290
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:23,917
I appreciate your...
291
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:36,931
Contessa.
292
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,355
He's just dropping her off.
293
00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:06,090
The car will soon be on its way to
the Governor's palace to get the Count.
294
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,132
We have 12 minutes.
295
00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:37,753
I think you were in my way.
296
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:40,331
You priests are everywhere,
sucking the lifeblood...
297
00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:43,128
Put him down, you ruffian. At once.
298
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,533
Ah, lickspittle!
299
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:49,937
Toadying to the rich.
Come to help your pal the priest, eh?
300
00:21:50,742 --> 00:21:53,836
Stop! Put him down, now!
301
00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:07,218
Thank you, my son.
302
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,486
Are you all right, Father?
303
00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:11,153
These anarchists have no respect
for God or country.
304
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:14,198
- Would you care for a glass of wine?
- Thank you, Father,
305
00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:17,427
but now I have to collect the Count
of Toledo from the Governor's palace.
306
00:22:17,536 --> 00:22:20,232
Then you are on an important mission.
307
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,500
- God bless you, my son.
- Goodbye, Father.
308
00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:23,665
Help! Hey, hey!
309
00:22:23,775 --> 00:22:26,437
Capitaine, I think we
handled that rather neatly.
310
00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:28,137
Didn't we?
311
00:22:29,314 --> 00:22:30,645
Capitaine?
312
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,553
Capitaine. Capitaine.
313
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,439
Sorry to be a moment
or two late, Your Honor.
314
00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:04,140
I had to rescue a priest from
a mob of anarchists.
315
00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:06,740
That's no excuse for
poor timekeeping, Julio.
316
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,580
We must hurry
and pick up the Contessa
317
00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,679
in order to get to the ballet by 8:00.
318
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:38,046
That's my wife.
319
00:23:40,786 --> 00:23:45,018
Have you seen any men
with my wife recently, Julio?
320
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,416
Well, Your Excellency,
now you mention it...
321
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,355
Look around, Julio.
322
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:22,086
If you see the gentleman in question,
let me know.
323
00:24:31,703 --> 00:24:35,002
Leave the costume alone, Delfina.
It's perfectly all right.
324
00:24:36,107 --> 00:24:38,541
Igor, you swine.
325
00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:42,574
Delfina, he hasn't traced my name,
he's filled in someone else's.
326
00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:47,548
"Consuela"? Consuela.
327
00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:49,347
That's the Countess of Toledo.
328
00:24:49,454 --> 00:24:52,321
She and the Count will appear tonight
in this very theater.
329
00:24:52,457 --> 00:24:54,891
And so will the Colonel.
We have to warn him at once.
330
00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:58,484
Your Excellency, that looks very like
the man over there.
331
00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:05,734
The German cultural attach�?
332
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:07,737
Two minutes, Miss Kamenevsky.
333
00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:11,036
Delfina, you must take the note
to the Colonel.
334
00:25:11,710 --> 00:25:13,940
He's in box A1.
335
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:18,176
Box A1.
336
00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:24,521
And, Delfina, hurry. It's vital.
337
00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:28,650
Box A... A1.
338
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:30,893
Hi, Delfina.
339
00:25:33,632 --> 00:25:34,929
Hi, Nadia.
340
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:14,804
"My darling, be on your guard.
341
00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:16,965
"They are trying to make
the Count of Toledo believe
342
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,475
"you're making love to the Countess."
343
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:23,441
Delfina.
344
00:26:25,183 --> 00:26:29,586
Igor, you're on now! Come on.
345
00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:14,128
Now, you're sure you understand
what to do?
346
00:27:14,232 --> 00:27:17,360
Yes, se�or. To the Countess, I say
the cards are from the Colonel,
347
00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:19,869
and to the Colonel,
I say they are from the Countess.
348
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,700
And there must be no mistake.
349
00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:24,104
Only if it goes without a hitch
will you get your money.
350
00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:26,040
Of course, se�or. What can go wrong?
351
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:27,668
What indeed, Manuel?
352
00:28:20,165 --> 00:28:23,566
It's from the Countess of Toledo, sir.
She's in Box 8.
353
00:28:30,275 --> 00:28:33,142
"The Spanish need some real music.
354
00:28:34,345 --> 00:28:36,609
"Would the German embassy
be able to arrange
355
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:41,175
"for one of Wagner's great operas
to be performed here?"
356
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:46,789
Good Lord.
What a splendid suggestion.
357
00:28:47,959 --> 00:28:50,223
What an intelligent woman.
358
00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:46,479
This is what he sent back, sir.
359
00:29:46,584 --> 00:29:48,176
Perfecto, listen to this.
360
00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:49,981
"Your idea is inspired.
361
00:29:50,088 --> 00:29:52,318
"Barcelona will ring
to wonderful music."
362
00:29:52,423 --> 00:29:55,449
Add "our" before "wonderful."
363
00:30:12,043 --> 00:30:13,704
That way.
364
00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:28,885
The Contessa's reply, se�or.
365
00:30:32,964 --> 00:30:34,829
"Could you also arrange for a visit
366
00:30:34,933 --> 00:30:38,425
"by the heavenly bell ringers
of Bad Godesberg?"
367
00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:48,145
This passes belief.
368
00:30:49,881 --> 00:30:51,246
Delfina.
369
00:30:57,088 --> 00:30:59,113
No.
370
00:31:02,493 --> 00:31:05,155
An urgent message for you, sir.
371
00:31:12,470 --> 00:31:15,871
"They are trying to make
the Count of Toledo believe that
372
00:31:15,974 --> 00:31:18,670
"you are making love to the Countess."
373
00:31:19,444 --> 00:31:20,911
How wonderful.
374
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,778
Do you think he'll be convinced?
375
00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:26,883
Go on.
376
00:31:32,423 --> 00:31:34,755
I say, look at Igor.
377
00:31:34,859 --> 00:31:36,850
He's flashing his codpiece.
378
00:31:38,129 --> 00:31:40,188
And it's in Morse code.
379
00:31:43,201 --> 00:31:46,898
And this is the person
I hired to stand still?
380
00:31:48,506 --> 00:31:50,030
"Nadia..."
381
00:31:50,141 --> 00:31:52,166
"Is..."
382
00:31:52,277 --> 00:31:53,972
"On to..."
383
00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,069
- "Us."
- Exclamation point.
384
00:31:56,314 --> 00:31:58,077
Up. Go up.
385
00:32:00,652 --> 00:32:01,778
Go up.
386
00:32:07,692 --> 00:32:09,319
"Stop..."
387
00:32:09,427 --> 00:32:11,418
- "The..."
- "Old..."
388
00:32:11,529 --> 00:32:12,894
"Woman."
389
00:32:13,364 --> 00:32:15,662
Double exclamation point.
390
00:32:16,534 --> 00:32:18,331
What old woman?
391
00:32:22,707 --> 00:32:24,174
That old woman.
392
00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:11,277
- There she is. Stop her!
- Old woman, stop!
393
00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:16,117
Stop!
394
00:33:20,431 --> 00:33:22,695
An urgent message for you, sir.
395
00:33:55,433 --> 00:33:59,961
Count. Contessa.
Colonel Schmidt at your service.
396
00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:03,707
Contessa, your love of German culture
has inspired me.
397
00:34:03,808 --> 00:34:07,801
Let me assure you, I will stop at nothing
to gratify your desire
398
00:34:07,912 --> 00:34:11,439
to know more of the artistic riches
of the Fatherland.
399
00:34:15,686 --> 00:34:17,153
Artistic riches?
400
00:34:17,255 --> 00:34:21,624
Your Excellency, your wife has made
certain demands of me
401
00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:23,921
of a cultural nature.
402
00:34:24,028 --> 00:34:25,495
I can promise you, sir,
403
00:34:25,596 --> 00:34:30,761
it will give me enormous pleasure
to satisfy them.
404
00:34:30,868 --> 00:34:33,598
And what's more,
I will tell everyone in Barcelona
405
00:34:33,704 --> 00:34:36,798
that the idea was hers and hers alone.
406
00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:39,941
Name your second, sir.
407
00:34:41,846 --> 00:34:43,609
- What?
- A duel, sir.
408
00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:47,206
At dawn tomorrow. Pistols, I assume.
409
00:34:48,553 --> 00:34:51,044
You have something against Wagner,
Count?
410
00:34:54,525 --> 00:34:57,790
You are not fond
of German bell ringing?
411
00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,658
The Germans are a race of swine,
412
00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:02,665
of whom you are
a perfect representative.
413
00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,597
Very well, Count.
414
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:15,205
If that is your view, these gentlemen
will act as my seconds.
415
00:35:15,313 --> 00:35:17,781
Pistols will be perfectly in order.
416
00:35:18,749 --> 00:35:20,876
I look forward to seeing you at dawn.
417
00:35:20,985 --> 00:35:23,146
Colonel!
418
00:35:24,155 --> 00:35:25,315
Well, Count,
419
00:35:25,423 --> 00:35:29,291
the old bull ring, I understand,
is traditional in these encounters.
420
00:35:29,393 --> 00:35:33,853
You are well-informed.
The sand, you see, soaks up the blood.
421
00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:49,845
- Well?
- I've got her safe.
422
00:35:49,947 --> 00:35:51,608
- Oh, where?
- But you know what's happened?
423
00:35:51,716 --> 00:35:53,581
The Count has challenged
Colonel Schmidt to a duel.
424
00:35:53,684 --> 00:35:55,151
Good Lord!
425
00:35:55,253 --> 00:35:57,585
- What if someone gets killed?
- Perfect.
426
00:35:57,688 --> 00:35:59,622
- What?
- If Schmidt kills the Count,
427
00:35:59,724 --> 00:36:02,420
the Germans will be persona
non grata in Spain for months to come.
428
00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:06,361
And if the Count kills Schmidt,
the Germans lose their top spy.
429
00:36:06,464 --> 00:36:07,761
But what if they kill each other?
430
00:36:07,865 --> 00:36:10,925
Then I'll personally buy us
all a magnum of champagne.
431
00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:13,094
Capitaine, I must congratulate you.
432
00:36:13,204 --> 00:36:15,172
Your first espionage assignment
in Spain
433
00:36:15,273 --> 00:36:18,208
is rapidly approaching
a triumphant conclusion.
434
00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:19,309
- Great.
- Just make sure
435
00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:21,911
the girl is safe until
after dawn tomorrow morning.
436
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,106
And everything will be hunky-dory.
437
00:36:24,215 --> 00:36:25,978
I'm way ahead of you.
438
00:36:35,927 --> 00:36:37,724
Hey, Nadia.
439
00:36:37,828 --> 00:36:41,764
Look, I'm sorry about all this,
but I had to, you know?
440
00:36:43,901 --> 00:36:46,597
Here we go.
Look, I got something to eat.
441
00:36:49,140 --> 00:36:52,371
You promise not to yell
if I take the gag off?
442
00:36:53,344 --> 00:36:55,278
All right, you promised.
443
00:36:56,480 --> 00:37:01,179
You are a complete, bungling
idiotic fool, just about to ruin
444
00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:04,721
one of the most carefully planned
espionage operations of the war.
445
00:37:04,822 --> 00:37:06,380
Here, eat this, you'll feel better.
446
00:37:06,490 --> 00:37:10,620
I won't feel better until I've seen you
drummed out of the espionage corps.
447
00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:13,094
Do you realize who Schmidt is?
448
00:37:13,197 --> 00:37:15,188
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
449
00:37:15,299 --> 00:37:17,460
He's the head of the German
spy network in Spain.
450
00:37:17,568 --> 00:37:21,368
Oh, idiot.
He's the most valuable double agent
451
00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:24,236
American intelligence
has ever recruited.
452
00:37:24,342 --> 00:37:26,242
American intelligence?
453
00:37:28,512 --> 00:37:30,412
Well, how come nobody told us?
454
00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:32,675
You want it published in a newsletter?
455
00:37:32,783 --> 00:37:35,183
There was no need for you to know.
456
00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:37,813
So, what do you Russians have to do
with all this?
457
00:37:37,922 --> 00:37:40,891
Oh, you nincompoop,
I'm no more Russian than you are.
458
00:37:40,992 --> 00:37:42,789
I'm his American contact.
459
00:37:42,893 --> 00:37:45,691
Why do you think we pretended
to be lovers?
460
00:37:48,366 --> 00:37:52,200
- Well, you could be just saying this.
- Yes, I could, but I'm not!
461
00:37:52,303 --> 00:37:54,134
Now, untie me at once!
462
00:37:56,173 --> 00:37:57,970
I'll need to discuss it
with my friends first.
463
00:37:58,075 --> 00:37:59,303
Untie me!
464
00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:02,112
Not until I talk to my friends.
465
00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:04,238
Then take me with you.
466
00:38:05,416 --> 00:38:06,713
All right.
467
00:38:23,434 --> 00:38:24,901
Good morning, Ludwig.
468
00:38:25,002 --> 00:38:27,061
The dawn of an exciting day.
469
00:38:27,171 --> 00:38:30,231
Your chance to die
for the honor of Germany.
470
00:38:31,942 --> 00:38:34,775
Wonderful. I can't wait.
471
00:38:39,016 --> 00:38:40,779
Do we really have to put
the gag back on?
472
00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:45,822
No, but I'm tired of her calling me
a bumbling French bureaucrat.
473
00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:49,490
And we need to time to think, huh?
474
00:38:50,561 --> 00:38:52,153
Don't you believe her?
475
00:38:52,263 --> 00:38:55,630
Well, it sounds plausible.
476
00:38:58,903 --> 00:39:00,837
Look, I'm terribly sorry, madam,
477
00:39:00,938 --> 00:39:02,200
but we've all signaled
our headquarters.
478
00:39:02,306 --> 00:39:05,002
We simply have to then
wait for their reply.
479
00:39:31,135 --> 00:39:36,573
Madam, we owe you
and Colonel Schmidt an apology.
480
00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:40,666
You'll have to deliver his to
the cemetery, you toffee-nosed bozo!
481
00:39:40,778 --> 00:39:42,507
You have 35 minutes before
the Count of Toledo
482
00:39:42,613 --> 00:39:44,012
starts giving him a lead breakfast.
483
00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:48,484
Madam, you may rely on us to prevent
this misfortune from occurring.
484
00:39:54,959 --> 00:39:57,325
I think I know why no one
has ever attempted
485
00:39:57,428 --> 00:40:00,727
to have an affair
with the Countess before.
486
00:40:00,831 --> 00:40:02,594
Very well, gentlemen.
487
00:40:03,868 --> 00:40:06,564
Shall we go and shoot ourselves
a German?
488
00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,540
If the Colonel is really
an American agent,
489
00:40:10,641 --> 00:40:12,165
why doesn't he just refuse to fight?
490
00:40:12,276 --> 00:40:14,972
And entirely destroy his credibility
with the Germans?
491
00:40:15,079 --> 00:40:18,207
No, no, the poor devil's got no option
but to shoot it out in the bull ring.
492
00:40:18,315 --> 00:40:21,807
Perhaps we could substitute
blank ammunition for the real bullets.
493
00:40:21,919 --> 00:40:22,908
Really?
494
00:40:23,020 --> 00:40:24,715
Or we could waylay his seconds
on the way to the duel.
495
00:40:24,822 --> 00:40:28,258
No, no, no. Rather, wait until they reach
the bull ring,
496
00:40:28,359 --> 00:40:32,056
then sneak into the pens
and release the bulls.
497
00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:35,894
Gentlemen, I hate to disturb
these entertaining fantasies,
498
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,902
- but there's only one thing we can do.
- What do you have in mind?
499
00:40:40,004 --> 00:40:42,302
We've got to tell the truth.
500
00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:45,972
Surely not.
501
00:40:46,076 --> 00:40:48,476
We have to tell the Count that his wife
has not been having an affair,
502
00:40:48,579 --> 00:40:50,444
that he's been tricked
into fighting the Colonel,
503
00:40:50,548 --> 00:40:53,711
and that he can call the duel off
with his honor unsmirched.
504
00:40:53,818 --> 00:40:55,547
But will he believe us?
505
00:40:55,653 --> 00:40:57,416
He will when we show him
the letter you stole.
506
00:40:57,521 --> 00:41:00,285
Of course, he'll be able to see
for himself that
507
00:41:00,391 --> 00:41:03,883
his wife's name has been substituted
for this young lady's.
508
00:41:03,994 --> 00:41:06,485
So, give me the letter, Igor.
509
00:41:07,097 --> 00:41:10,658
Well, I guess I left it back at the theater.
510
00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:15,503
Military intelligence.
It's a contradiction in terms!
511
00:41:26,517 --> 00:41:28,985
- Hey, open up!
- Open up. Open up quickly!
512
00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:43,057
We just forgot something.
513
00:41:56,614 --> 00:41:59,777
Stand still, all of you.
514
00:41:59,917 --> 00:42:01,509
Where did you last see it?
515
00:42:01,619 --> 00:42:03,280
- It was there.
- Here?
516
00:42:03,420 --> 00:42:05,680
I put it down here on the edge.
517
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,829
Who collects the rubbish?
518
00:42:18,602 --> 00:42:19,899
The caretaker!
519
00:42:20,004 --> 00:42:23,371
What does he do with the rubbish
when he's collected it?
520
00:42:50,134 --> 00:42:51,499
You idiots!
521
00:42:58,542 --> 00:43:00,601
- Stop!
- What?
522
00:43:03,547 --> 00:43:05,037
Thank goodness.
523
00:43:06,517 --> 00:43:08,075
What did she do?
524
00:43:36,914 --> 00:43:38,541
This is Dr. Borges.
525
00:43:38,649 --> 00:43:40,276
To attend to the wounded?
526
00:43:40,384 --> 00:43:43,478
To provide the death certificate,
Colonel Schmidt.
527
00:43:59,136 --> 00:44:01,070
It is my duty to ask you, gentlemen,
528
00:44:01,171 --> 00:44:04,197
can this matter be resolved
without bloodshed?
529
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,943
Will either party be satisfied
with an apology?
530
00:44:13,050 --> 00:44:16,611
Very well.
If you would stand back to back...
531
00:44:18,756 --> 00:44:19,950
Like so.
532
00:44:24,828 --> 00:44:26,989
Each take ten paces.
533
00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:32,765
At the end of ten paces,
turn and fire at will.
534
00:44:34,705 --> 00:44:35,797
One.
535
00:44:37,007 --> 00:44:38,304
Two.
536
00:44:40,044 --> 00:44:41,534
Three.
537
00:44:42,780 --> 00:44:44,179
Four.
538
00:44:45,115 --> 00:44:46,480
Five.
539
00:44:47,317 --> 00:44:49,012
Six.
540
00:44:50,254 --> 00:44:51,744
Seven.
541
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:54,180
Eight.
542
00:44:55,426 --> 00:44:56,791
Nine.
543
00:44:58,962 --> 00:45:00,361
Ten.
544
00:45:06,070 --> 00:45:08,868
Wait! Wait! Don't shoot!
545
00:45:14,011 --> 00:45:16,036
Gentlemen, drop these guns.
546
00:45:16,146 --> 00:45:19,980
You have nothing to fight about.
It's a hoax. Read this.
547
00:45:24,121 --> 00:45:28,023
I had intended to celebrate your demise
with this, Colonel Schmidt.
548
00:45:29,593 --> 00:45:33,893
Instead, let us drink to Germany.
549
00:45:34,798 --> 00:45:36,265
To Germany.
550
00:45:36,366 --> 00:45:39,096
May she triumph over her enemies.
551
00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,640
You may think we're right back
where we started,
552
00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:49,804
but the crucial thing is,
it was a jolly good effort.
553
00:46:01,859 --> 00:46:03,417
What's up? This better be good.
554
00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:05,518
I cannot talk to you here.
555
00:46:06,063 --> 00:46:09,396
Go back to headquarters,
Cunningham will fill you in.
556
00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:23,110
Marcello said you wanted to see me.
It was urgent.
557
00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:26,438
- Good news.
- Yes.
558
00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:28,313
- Good news.
- What is it?
559
00:46:28,418 --> 00:46:31,751
We sent such a glowing report
of your performance
560
00:46:31,855 --> 00:46:34,221
here to French intelligence
headquarters,
561
00:46:34,324 --> 00:46:36,554
you've been reassigned.
562
00:46:36,660 --> 00:46:38,628
- Reassigned?
- A prize mission, I'd say.
563
00:46:38,729 --> 00:46:41,994
- Working with one of France's most...
- Unique?
564
00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:46,559
...unique intelligence officers.
- Yes, unique is the word. Unique.
565
00:46:46,670 --> 00:46:48,968
- Well, who?
- Colonel Clouseau.
566
00:46:49,072 --> 00:46:50,164
Colonel Clouseau?
567
00:46:50,274 --> 00:46:51,741
Oh, yes, you'll learn
a great deal from him.
568
00:46:51,842 --> 00:46:52,809
I think, I think.
569
00:46:52,910 --> 00:46:54,309
Yes, it'll be
a once in a lifetime experience.
570
00:46:54,411 --> 00:46:56,572
I imagine. I Imagine.
But you must hurry.
571
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,241
You have to be in Amsterdam by
Tuesday evening to meet your contact.
572
00:47:00,350 --> 00:47:03,046
- Who? What? When?
- Berenstraat Square.
573
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:06,884
Light a match and a blind man will tell
you how to meet Colonel Clouseau.
574
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:07,979
Goodbye.
575
00:47:44,094 --> 00:47:45,755
Well?
576
00:47:47,130 --> 00:47:50,065
I hear the price of cabbage
is high this year.
577
00:47:50,167 --> 00:47:55,161
Not as high as the price of beets.
Beets are outrageous.
578
00:47:55,272 --> 00:47:59,766
On the other hand,
carrots are a dime a dozen.
579
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:02,209
I'd stock up on them if I were you.
580
00:48:02,312 --> 00:48:03,836
About time.
581
00:48:03,947 --> 00:48:06,381
I've been lighting matches out here
for two hours. Haven't you seen me?
582
00:48:06,483 --> 00:48:09,646
Of course not. I'm blind, you idiot.
583
00:48:09,753 --> 00:48:13,154
Right. It's Prague.
584
00:48:13,290 --> 00:48:15,190
Deep enemy territory, huh?
585
00:48:15,292 --> 00:48:18,159
Now then, here are your papers
and your train tickets.
586
00:48:18,262 --> 00:48:19,229
Right.
587
00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:21,263
You'll take tomorrow morning's
Prague Express.
588
00:48:21,365 --> 00:48:26,496
You'll go to apartment 7P,
150 Vlasska Street.
589
00:48:26,603 --> 00:48:28,594
- Right. Right.
- You'll wait for a phone call
590
00:48:28,705 --> 00:48:32,573
that will come on the 8th
at precisely 1200 Hours.
591
00:48:37,981 --> 00:48:39,448
That's all?
592
00:48:39,549 --> 00:48:43,576
I just wait three days in an apartment
for a phone call?
593
00:48:43,687 --> 00:48:47,453
Do as you're told.
But don't be conspicuous.
594
00:48:47,557 --> 00:48:49,582
This call is of vital importance.
595
00:48:49,693 --> 00:48:52,389
The entire outcome of the war
could depend on it.
596
00:48:52,496 --> 00:48:55,761
And remember, they'll only call once.
597
00:48:55,866 --> 00:48:57,527
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Here's your disguise.
598
00:48:57,634 --> 00:49:00,068
So, what am I this time?
599
00:49:01,171 --> 00:49:03,867
You'll be traveling in ladies underwear.
600
00:49:03,974 --> 00:49:05,441
What? No, I won't. I'm not going to...
601
00:49:05,542 --> 00:49:08,136
As a salesman of ladies underwear.
602
00:49:08,245 --> 00:49:11,146
- Right. Right.
- Now, here are your samples.
603
00:49:11,248 --> 00:49:16,015
Now, under no circumstances
must you call any attention to yourself.
604
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:17,609
Right.
605
00:49:20,123 --> 00:49:25,151
Your name is Amadeus Schubelgruber.
606
00:49:26,363 --> 00:49:30,857
Amadeus Schubelgruber?
Who makes up these things?
607
00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:32,765
I do.
608
00:49:54,958 --> 00:49:57,688
No, I've got a train to catch.
609
00:50:02,766 --> 00:50:04,097
No, put those back there.
610
00:50:04,201 --> 00:50:05,566
Let go. No!
611
00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:14,003
No, it doesn't go with your eyes.
612
00:50:14,111 --> 00:50:15,874
Give it back!
613
00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:24,445
Pardon. Pardon.
614
00:50:52,115 --> 00:50:55,983
So, how is
the ladies underwear business?
615
00:51:37,627 --> 00:51:38,821
Cabbage.
616
00:51:40,130 --> 00:51:41,324
Cabbage.
617
00:51:43,900 --> 00:51:45,697
Aren't you Clouseau?
618
00:51:45,802 --> 00:51:47,599
How do you know I'm Clouseau?
619
00:51:47,771 --> 00:51:49,705
- Cabbage.
- You have the stinking cabbage.
620
00:51:49,806 --> 00:51:51,933
Well, it's a code word.
You're supposed to say "beets."
621
00:51:52,042 --> 00:51:53,270
Beets?
622
00:51:53,376 --> 00:51:54,707
- Cabbage.
- Beets?
623
00:51:54,811 --> 00:51:55,835
- Cabbage.
- Beets?
624
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:56,913
- Cabbage.
- Beets?
625
00:51:57,013 --> 00:51:58,002
- Cabbage.
- Beets. Ah, yes!
626
00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,605
Yes, yes, of course, I forget.
627
00:51:59,716 --> 00:52:01,411
But you must not talk to me.
628
00:52:01,518 --> 00:52:02,985
It is too dangerous.
629
00:52:05,822 --> 00:52:09,383
Here is the key to the appartement.
630
00:52:09,726 --> 00:52:12,820
You must only contact me
when there is a problem.
631
00:52:12,929 --> 00:52:14,556
I thought we were supposed
to work together.
632
00:52:14,664 --> 00:52:18,361
Only if you are in trouble,
and only if you are in serious trouble.
633
00:52:18,468 --> 00:52:21,266
You understand? Now, go.
634
00:53:14,124 --> 00:53:16,354
No phone?
635
00:53:22,132 --> 00:53:24,430
Where's the phone?
Where's the phone?
636
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:33,233
Excuse me, ma'am. Where's my phone?
637
00:53:33,343 --> 00:53:34,605
The phone is not there.
638
00:53:34,711 --> 00:53:36,702
I know it's not there.
Where has it gone?
639
00:53:36,813 --> 00:53:40,180
- Gone. Taken by the authorities.
- Why?
640
00:53:40,283 --> 00:53:42,183
The authorities do not say
why they do these things.
641
00:53:42,285 --> 00:53:43,650
But I must have a telephone.
642
00:53:43,753 --> 00:53:45,914
I'm expecting a very important call
in two days.
643
00:53:46,022 --> 00:53:49,719
If you want to know more, you should go
to the Ministry of Telephones.
644
00:53:49,826 --> 00:53:52,021
Ministry of Telephones?
645
00:53:53,363 --> 00:53:55,524
Right. Thank you.
646
00:54:00,003 --> 00:54:01,664
Colonel Clouseau, we have a problem.
647
00:54:01,771 --> 00:54:03,238
- Beets.
- What?
648
00:54:03,340 --> 00:54:04,466
"Beets," the code word.
649
00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:05,768
- Cabbage.
- Beets.
650
00:54:05,875 --> 00:54:07,467
Okay, look,
there's no telephone in the apartment.
651
00:54:07,577 --> 00:54:09,738
- But that is not right.
- You're right that's not right. It's wrong.
652
00:54:09,846 --> 00:54:11,507
How can I get the call
if there's no telephone?
653
00:54:11,615 --> 00:54:13,947
Then you must go to
the Ministry of Telephones
654
00:54:14,050 --> 00:54:15,483
and get yourself a telephone.
655
00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:17,109
- What?
- I said, you must go to the...
656
00:54:17,220 --> 00:54:19,279
I know. I know. Fine.
657
00:54:25,695 --> 00:54:27,458
- Hello.
- Yes?
658
00:54:27,564 --> 00:54:29,361
I need a telephone.
659
00:54:29,466 --> 00:54:30,933
Ah, Installations.
660
00:54:31,034 --> 00:54:33,628
- First floor, first on the right.
- Right. Thank you.
661
00:54:33,737 --> 00:54:36,297
- Just one moment, sir.
- Yes?
662
00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:40,467
- You must have the form.
- Right. Right. Thank you.
663
00:54:43,013 --> 00:54:45,174
What kind of phone do you want?
664
00:54:45,282 --> 00:54:47,944
Just like the one they took out, I guess.
665
00:54:48,051 --> 00:54:52,283
- They took your phone out?
- Yes, ma'am. Someone from here.
666
00:54:52,389 --> 00:54:54,789
We only deal with
new installations here.
667
00:54:54,891 --> 00:54:58,884
If you already have a phone,
then you must go to Reconnections.
668
00:54:58,995 --> 00:55:00,553
Well, you see, I don't actually
have a phone...
669
00:55:00,664 --> 00:55:03,656
Second floor, second on the right.
670
00:55:06,069 --> 00:55:08,469
Right. Thank you.
671
00:55:08,571 --> 00:55:10,163
Your form.
672
00:55:11,374 --> 00:55:13,433
It must never be forgotten.
673
00:55:16,012 --> 00:55:18,708
So, what kind of a phone do you have?
674
00:55:18,815 --> 00:55:21,113
I don't have any kind of a telephone.
675
00:55:21,217 --> 00:55:25,153
I told you, someone from
the Ministry came along and took it.
676
00:55:25,255 --> 00:55:28,918
Well, there's... Well, there's nothing
for us to reconnect then, is there?
677
00:55:29,025 --> 00:55:30,492
But the woman from
New Installations said...
678
00:55:30,593 --> 00:55:33,061
Look, how...
679
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:35,654
How can we reconnect you
680
00:55:36,433 --> 00:55:38,993
if you don't have a phone?
681
00:55:39,703 --> 00:55:46,370
It's impossible. I mean, if someone
has removed your telephone,
682
00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:52,611
the people for you to see are
Phone Removals.
683
00:55:54,718 --> 00:55:56,117
Stands to reason, doesn't it?
684
00:55:56,219 --> 00:55:58,847
And where are Phone Removals?
685
00:55:58,955 --> 00:56:02,015
Third floor, third on the right.
686
00:56:02,125 --> 00:56:04,150
Thank you.
687
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:08,262
Oh, by the way, don't forget your form.
688
00:56:14,170 --> 00:56:17,367
If the Removals Department
had removed your phone, sir,
689
00:56:17,474 --> 00:56:18,941
there would be a form accordingly.
690
00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:23,001
And as you can see, there isn't one,
691
00:56:23,113 --> 00:56:24,307
so we can't have removed it.
692
00:56:24,414 --> 00:56:26,348
Naturally, therefore, we can't replace it.
693
00:56:26,449 --> 00:56:30,215
Perhaps someone removed it
but didn't fill out a form.
694
00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:33,187
- In other words, a theft.
- Oh, no, no, no, not necessarily.
695
00:56:33,289 --> 00:56:37,453
Oh, quite clearly a theft,
which solves your problem.
696
00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:41,826
If your phone has been stolen,
then we can replace it immediately.
697
00:56:43,099 --> 00:56:45,659
Really? That's great. It was a theft.
698
00:56:45,835 --> 00:56:50,329
Now, all you have to do is to take
this form down to police headquarters,
699
00:56:50,440 --> 00:56:53,375
and report the theft and get them
to stamp it there.
700
00:56:53,476 --> 00:56:55,876
Then take it to the Ministry of Insurance,
701
00:56:56,012 --> 00:56:58,378
make a claim for compensation
for the goods stolen,
702
00:56:58,481 --> 00:56:59,743
and get them to stamp it there.
703
00:56:59,849 --> 00:57:01,646
Then you finally bring it back here,
704
00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:04,379
I stamp it to show that
it's been duly authorized,
705
00:57:04,487 --> 00:57:06,045
then you take it to the Reconnections,
706
00:57:06,156 --> 00:57:07,680
Reconnections takes it to Installations,
707
00:57:07,791 --> 00:57:09,452
the man at the front desk can take it
to the Works,
708
00:57:09,559 --> 00:57:12,289
and before you can say "snap,"
you have a new phone.
709
00:57:12,395 --> 00:57:14,363
- What could be simpler?
- I can't imagine.
710
00:57:14,464 --> 00:57:18,093
But the crucial thing is,
don't lose that form.
711
00:57:18,802 --> 00:57:21,066
Because if you do,
we can't give you another.
712
00:57:21,171 --> 00:57:22,331
Do you understand?
713
00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:25,374
Absolutely. Excuse me, sir.
714
00:58:43,486 --> 00:58:44,953
No! No!
715
00:58:48,491 --> 00:58:49,480
No!
716
00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:53,928
No! No!
717
00:59:25,929 --> 00:59:27,260
Excuse me.
718
01:00:29,592 --> 01:00:32,789
Excuse me, sir. Pardon.
I need to get off, please.
719
01:00:57,420 --> 01:00:59,445
I'm in trouble. They want me to go
to the Ministry of Police.
720
01:00:59,555 --> 01:01:01,887
The police? That is dangerous.
721
01:01:01,991 --> 01:01:03,856
I know.
722
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:07,088
We are in the heart of enemy territory.
723
01:01:07,196 --> 01:01:10,825
The police must not find out
that you are a spy,
724
01:01:10,933 --> 01:01:13,925
otherwise they will shoot you.
725
01:01:14,037 --> 01:01:15,868
What should I do?
726
01:01:18,307 --> 01:01:22,209
You must go to the police.
You must get that telephone.
727
01:01:22,311 --> 01:01:26,975
And then you must check back here
with me at 1800 hours.
728
01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:51,196
Hi. I would like to report
a stolen telephone,
729
01:01:51,307 --> 01:01:53,138
and I'd also like to get
a stamp right here,
730
01:01:53,242 --> 01:01:55,403
so I can go to the Ministry
of Insurance and make a claim.
731
01:01:55,511 --> 01:01:57,706
Certainly, sir.
If you'd just like to fill out this form,
732
01:01:57,814 --> 01:02:00,146
- and we'll see to it immediately.
- Thank you.
733
01:02:03,519 --> 01:02:05,180
- All of it?
- Oh, yes.
734
01:02:05,288 --> 01:02:07,449
Can't leave anything out, can we?
735
01:02:35,885 --> 01:02:39,651
That's perfectly in order, sir.
Only you've written it in Czech.
736
01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:40,916
Of course I wrote it in Czech.
737
01:02:41,023 --> 01:02:43,457
As part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire,
738
01:02:43,559 --> 01:02:46,926
all forms must, of course,
be completed in German.
739
01:02:47,130 --> 01:02:48,097
German?
740
01:02:48,231 --> 01:02:50,722
Never mind, sir.
I have another one here.
741
01:02:50,833 --> 01:02:52,698
Won't take you long.
742
01:03:17,426 --> 01:03:19,291
Very well, Herr Schubelgruber.
743
01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:21,794
You can go with the constables now.
744
01:03:29,438 --> 01:03:31,804
If you will just sit down there, sir.
745
01:03:32,909 --> 01:03:35,434
We will call you shortly.
746
01:04:02,572 --> 01:04:04,472
- Amadeus Schubelgruber?
- Yes.
747
01:04:04,574 --> 01:04:06,508
Ah, there you are.
748
01:04:08,978 --> 01:04:10,240
Come in.
749
01:04:20,923 --> 01:04:24,359
- Well, you realize this is very serious.
- What is serious?
750
01:04:24,460 --> 01:04:27,623
Come on, now.
Don't play games with us.
751
01:04:27,730 --> 01:04:30,028
You know exactly
what we're talking about.
752
01:04:30,132 --> 01:04:31,565
Well, no, I don't.
753
01:04:31,667 --> 01:04:34,227
I came here to report
the theft of a telephone.
754
01:04:34,337 --> 01:04:37,170
- That's what they all say.
- At first.
755
01:04:47,149 --> 01:04:49,344
Now come along, Herr Schubelgruber.
756
01:04:49,452 --> 01:04:53,650
It will go easier with you if you make
a full confession immediately.
757
01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:56,290
A confession to what?
758
01:04:59,095 --> 01:05:04,431
What would you like to start with?
We have plenty of time, you know.
759
01:05:04,934 --> 01:05:06,834
But I haven't done anything.
760
01:05:06,936 --> 01:05:08,927
That's a good one.
He hasn't done anything.
761
01:05:09,038 --> 01:05:11,768
He said he hasn't done anything.
762
01:05:12,141 --> 01:05:16,134
Stop wasting our time, Schubelgruber.
Make a full confession.
763
01:05:16,245 --> 01:05:19,112
It's all prepared for you. Just sign it.
764
01:05:19,215 --> 01:05:21,649
This is your last chance.
765
01:05:25,888 --> 01:05:27,412
But I have nothing to confess to.
766
01:05:27,523 --> 01:05:29,855
I came here to get a form stamped
for the Ministry of Phones.
767
01:05:29,959 --> 01:05:31,824
That's the whole story.
768
01:05:38,367 --> 01:05:41,165
Very well. That's that.
769
01:05:41,904 --> 01:05:42,962
Next.
770
01:05:44,073 --> 01:05:46,769
What's going on? What's...
771
01:05:52,982 --> 01:05:56,782
Case Number 435.
Amadeus Schubelgruber.
772
01:05:56,886 --> 01:06:00,686
How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
773
01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:03,987
I don't. I just came here
to report a missing telephone.
774
01:06:04,093 --> 01:06:08,462
You mean you're telling us
you're neither guilty nor not guilty?
775
01:06:08,564 --> 01:06:10,532
I'm trying to tell that I'm innocent.
776
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:14,296
No one is innocent, Herr Schubelgruber.
777
01:06:14,403 --> 01:06:17,304
We are all guilty of something,
are we not?
778
01:06:17,406 --> 01:06:18,896
That may be possible,
779
01:06:19,008 --> 01:06:21,067
but it doesn't mean that everyone
ends up in court because of it.
780
01:06:21,177 --> 01:06:25,011
More the pity. The world would be
a better place if you did.
781
01:06:25,414 --> 01:06:28,383
Now, how do you plead?
782
01:06:28,484 --> 01:06:32,215
Well, how can I plead,
if I don't know what I'm accused of?
783
01:06:33,222 --> 01:06:35,315
You are accused, Schubelgruber,
784
01:06:35,424 --> 01:06:38,587
of infringing Article 114
of the Criminal Code.
785
01:06:38,694 --> 01:06:41,993
With which, of course, all loyal citizens
of the Austro-Hungarian Empire
786
01:06:42,098 --> 01:06:44,259
are perfectly familiar.
787
01:06:47,136 --> 01:06:48,501
Yeah, yeah, sure.
788
01:06:48,604 --> 01:06:51,095
Your plea is therefore...
789
01:06:53,609 --> 01:06:56,635
Well... Well, not guilty, but...
790
01:06:56,746 --> 01:06:59,681
You have shown utter contempt
for processes of law and justice,
791
01:06:59,782 --> 01:07:02,148
which have taken 2,000 years
to develop.
792
01:07:02,251 --> 01:07:05,584
You should be ashamed
to raise your head in public.
793
01:07:08,524 --> 01:07:10,492
For trying to fill in a form?
794
01:07:10,593 --> 01:07:15,587
It's men like you, Schubelgruber,
who let loose anarchy in the land,
795
01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:20,135
who gnaw away at the obedience
and faith which glues society together.
796
01:07:21,804 --> 01:07:23,465
If your kind triumphed,
797
01:07:23,572 --> 01:07:26,735
our entire civilization
would blow like dust
798
01:07:26,842 --> 01:07:31,176
into the cold, bleak wastelands
of universal chaos!
799
01:07:33,682 --> 01:07:35,172
Well, where's the evidence?
800
01:07:35,284 --> 01:07:40,119
I think we have all the evidence
we need here, Schubelgruber,
801
01:07:41,957 --> 01:07:43,982
in your own hand.
802
01:07:47,463 --> 01:07:50,261
Okay, look, the real reason
that I came here...
803
01:07:50,366 --> 01:07:51,924
Guilty.
804
01:07:53,803 --> 01:07:56,328
- What?
- Guilty as charged.
805
01:07:56,439 --> 01:07:57,963
Wait. Wait. No, no, wait a minute.
806
01:07:58,074 --> 01:08:00,702
The only reason that I'm here is
to report my telephone is missing.
807
01:08:00,810 --> 01:08:03,244
That's... I didn't do anything wrong.
808
01:08:03,345 --> 01:08:05,074
Listen to me. You can't do this to me.
809
01:08:05,181 --> 01:08:08,150
I'm innocent. I've never done anything...
810
01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:14,489
Hello? You're not listening...
811
01:08:14,590 --> 01:08:16,421
Hey!
812
01:09:16,852 --> 01:09:19,980
I'm not guilty! Guard, let me out!
813
01:09:20,956 --> 01:09:22,787
Guard!
814
01:09:24,627 --> 01:09:26,857
Look, you gotta get me out of here.
815
01:09:26,962 --> 01:09:30,090
This has all just been a terrible mistake.
Everything's just been a big error.
816
01:09:30,199 --> 01:09:33,600
You are claiming you are here
as a result of an error?
817
01:09:33,769 --> 01:09:35,031
Well...
818
01:09:35,271 --> 01:09:38,434
Yes. Yes, that's it.
That's exactly what I'm claiming.
819
01:09:38,541 --> 01:09:41,237
- Oh.
- Wait. No!
820
01:09:49,785 --> 01:09:52,447
You have to fill in one of these.
821
01:09:53,789 --> 01:09:55,723
There's a form for this?
822
01:09:55,824 --> 01:09:58,258
Of course,
there is a form for everything.
823
01:09:58,360 --> 01:10:00,658
Here is the pencil.
824
01:10:00,763 --> 01:10:02,390
Thanks.
825
01:10:21,350 --> 01:10:23,875
- Come with me.
- Where are we going?
826
01:10:23,986 --> 01:10:26,955
To the Department of Errors, naturally.
827
01:10:28,123 --> 01:10:34,062
Every single administrative error in
the entire Austro-Hungarian Empire
828
01:10:34,163 --> 01:10:37,064
is documented here.
829
01:10:37,166 --> 01:10:43,036
It is a fine collection, is it not,
Herr Schubelgruber?
830
01:10:43,138 --> 01:10:45,629
- It's awe inspiring.
- Thank you.
831
01:10:45,741 --> 01:10:47,800
I just wanted to report a missing phone,
832
01:10:47,910 --> 01:10:49,673
so I could make a claim
with the Ministry of Insurance.
833
01:10:49,778 --> 01:10:51,803
- And I was interrogated and tried...
- Well,
834
01:10:51,914 --> 01:10:55,406
everything seems to be in order.
835
01:10:56,252 --> 01:10:57,913
You may go.
836
01:10:58,787 --> 01:11:00,687
- What?
- Take this.
837
01:11:01,490 --> 01:11:06,223
The sergeant at the front desk
will show you out.
838
01:11:07,429 --> 01:11:08,691
You don't mean this.
839
01:11:08,797 --> 01:11:12,255
Well, of course I mean it. It is my job
to correct administrative errors,
840
01:11:12,368 --> 01:11:16,168
and you clearly have been
the victim of one. Goodbye.
841
01:11:16,872 --> 01:11:18,339
This is incredible.
842
01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:28,846
It says... Well, he says that I could go.
843
01:11:28,951 --> 01:11:30,885
That's right, sir.
844
01:11:32,121 --> 01:11:33,782
Through there.
845
01:11:41,964 --> 01:11:44,933
Sir, do you think that...
846
01:11:45,901 --> 01:11:49,268
If it's no trouble, that... Could I get...
847
01:11:49,371 --> 01:11:52,101
- Stamp it?
- Yeah.
848
01:11:52,675 --> 01:11:54,506
Certainly, sir.
849
01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:57,836
Thank you, sir.
850
01:12:10,225 --> 01:12:12,489
Where have you been?
851
01:12:12,594 --> 01:12:14,721
Have you got the telephone?
852
01:12:14,830 --> 01:12:16,695
You are a day late.
853
01:12:16,799 --> 01:12:20,098
Do not you realize how important
this assignment is?
854
01:12:20,202 --> 01:12:23,228
I thought that something terrible
had happened to you.
855
01:12:23,339 --> 01:12:26,672
Well, what do you have
to say for yourself?
856
01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:30,069
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
857
01:12:30,179 --> 01:12:32,204
- You see this?
- Of course I see this.
858
01:12:32,314 --> 01:12:35,078
And this stamp? And this stamp?
859
01:12:35,184 --> 01:12:38,051
All I need is the stamps from
the Ministry of Insurance,
860
01:12:38,153 --> 01:12:39,518
and I have my telephone.
861
01:12:39,621 --> 01:12:42,351
You have only 20 hours left.
862
01:12:42,458 --> 01:12:47,953
The fate of the civilized world depends
upon your receiving this telephone call.
863
01:12:48,063 --> 01:12:51,829
The fate of the civilized world
is in good hands.
864
01:13:14,523 --> 01:13:18,289
All I need is a stamp right here
from the Ministry of Insurance
865
01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:20,658
showing that I've made a claim.
Can you help me?
866
01:13:20,763 --> 01:13:22,390
You need to fill in the form first.
867
01:13:22,498 --> 01:13:23,760
Right, of course,
I'll need to fill in the form.
868
01:13:23,866 --> 01:13:26,334
- The number of the form is 27 A.
- Okay.
869
01:13:26,435 --> 01:13:28,494
- Go to the last desk on the right.
- Last desk.
870
01:13:28,604 --> 01:13:31,937
Is there a form 27 A? No.
871
01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:34,873
27 A? No, you don't.
872
01:13:34,977 --> 01:13:37,377
27 A? No?
873
01:13:37,479 --> 01:13:38,537
No?
874
01:13:41,283 --> 01:13:43,717
I've already been here.
875
01:13:47,322 --> 01:13:48,550
What?
876
01:13:48,657 --> 01:13:52,525
- Upstairs. The first on the right.
- Upstairs.
877
01:13:55,297 --> 01:13:58,733
I'm not leaving without form 27 A.
878
01:13:58,834 --> 01:14:02,497
I need form 27 A
to get this form stamped.
879
01:14:02,604 --> 01:14:04,504
And I'm not leaving without it!
880
01:14:04,606 --> 01:14:07,131
I'm not! Not! Not! Not!
881
01:14:10,579 --> 01:14:13,946
- They said you want form 27 A.
- Yes, that's what they told me.
882
01:14:14,049 --> 01:14:15,880
I went to four different desks
in four offices,
883
01:14:15,984 --> 01:14:18,578
and everyone said someone else had it.
884
01:14:19,221 --> 01:14:20,882
Well, nobody has it.
885
01:14:20,989 --> 01:14:24,015
Form 27 A has been superseded
by form 27B.
886
01:14:24,593 --> 01:14:27,153
- What?
- I thought everybody knew that.
887
01:14:27,830 --> 01:14:29,764
This is absolutely ridiculous.
888
01:14:29,865 --> 01:14:31,890
All I want is a new phone.
889
01:14:32,000 --> 01:14:35,094
I went to the Ministry of Phones
and my form blew out the window.
890
01:14:35,204 --> 01:14:37,638
And then I went out on the ledge
and a pigeon knocked it into the street.
891
01:14:37,739 --> 01:14:40,401
And then a man stepped on it,
and then I had to chase after a tram,
892
01:14:40,509 --> 01:14:42,272
and then a woman hit me
with her handbag!
893
01:14:42,377 --> 01:14:43,503
And so I went to the police.
894
01:14:43,612 --> 01:14:46,547
They made me fill it out in German,
and then they gave me the third degree,
895
01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:48,639
and then they put me in jail!
896
01:14:48,750 --> 01:14:51,116
What you're trying to say is
you're upset.
897
01:14:51,220 --> 01:14:53,313
No, no, I'm not upset.
898
01:14:53,422 --> 01:14:56,255
I'm incandescent with rage!
899
01:15:00,295 --> 01:15:02,320
What if I took your telephone, huh?
900
01:15:02,431 --> 01:15:03,762
What if I steal your telephone?
901
01:15:03,866 --> 01:15:05,731
Then you'd have to go through
everything that I've gone through
902
01:15:05,834 --> 01:15:08,496
to get it back, and you'd go insane!
903
01:15:11,373 --> 01:15:14,399
The thing is, you're also
in the wrong office.
904
01:15:14,510 --> 01:15:17,206
I investigate industrial accidents.
905
01:15:21,550 --> 01:15:25,077
But to be honest with you,
I feel like a break.
906
01:15:26,421 --> 01:15:30,323
Shall I come round with you and see if
we can track this thing down together?
907
01:15:31,860 --> 01:15:34,488
- You mean, you'd help me?
- Why not?
908
01:15:36,331 --> 01:15:39,664
Yeah. Yeah, that would be great.
909
01:15:40,102 --> 01:15:43,094
My name is Kafka. Franz Kafka.
910
01:15:43,205 --> 01:15:46,333
Indiana... Amadeus Schubelgruber.
911
01:15:47,910 --> 01:15:50,401
This way, Mr. Schubelgruber.
912
01:15:51,613 --> 01:15:56,073
Form 27B is a little hard to get hold of
because they didn't print enough.
913
01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:59,278
In fact, there's only one person in the
entire building with a supply of them,
914
01:15:59,388 --> 01:16:02,687
and he's a little,
how shall I say it, anonymous.
915
01:16:02,791 --> 01:16:06,750
- What do you mean, anonymous?
- Well, he works in here.
916
01:16:07,696 --> 01:16:09,425
It's all right, though.
I think I can track him down.
917
01:16:09,531 --> 01:16:10,759
Excuse me.
918
01:16:12,768 --> 01:16:14,167
Excuse me.
919
01:16:14,269 --> 01:16:15,998
Hello.
920
01:16:16,104 --> 01:16:18,334
He's usually at this desk...
921
01:16:19,374 --> 01:16:22,036
Must be further back. Strange, isn't it?
922
01:16:22,144 --> 01:16:26,240
The higher up one gets, the more
anonymous it all seems to become.
923
01:16:27,282 --> 01:16:29,113
Well, this must...
924
01:16:30,986 --> 01:16:33,887
Could you tell me where Anton is?
925
01:16:35,524 --> 01:16:38,493
Excuse me, where is Anton Dvorak?
926
01:16:42,230 --> 01:16:45,461
- This is his desk!
- But where is he?
927
01:16:46,201 --> 01:16:49,136
No, it's not here either.
928
01:16:49,972 --> 01:16:51,599
Forget it, George.
929
01:16:54,910 --> 01:16:56,036
Franz!
930
01:16:59,781 --> 01:17:01,806
Thank you, George.
931
01:17:03,251 --> 01:17:06,049
Franz, how nice it is to see you.
932
01:17:06,154 --> 01:17:10,083
- How good of you to drop by.
- It's nice to see you, too, Anton.
933
01:17:10,192 --> 01:17:13,821
I am helping a friend,
Herr Amadeus Schubelgruber, here.
934
01:17:14,963 --> 01:17:16,931
He needs form 27B.
935
01:17:17,766 --> 01:17:20,098
Well, you have come to the right place,
936
01:17:20,202 --> 01:17:25,071
because I have all the form 27Bs
in the entire ministry
937
01:17:25,173 --> 01:17:26,265
right here.
938
01:17:26,375 --> 01:17:29,640
You do. Thank you.
Thank you, so much.
939
01:17:29,745 --> 01:17:33,374
Well, actually, I can't give you one.
940
01:17:35,817 --> 01:17:37,114
I lost the key.
941
01:17:37,219 --> 01:17:40,780
It's been several days now.
I have no idea where it is.
942
01:17:43,925 --> 01:17:45,790
Never mind, Anton.
943
01:17:45,894 --> 01:17:48,488
Just get the janitor to bring you
a new key.
944
01:17:48,597 --> 01:17:51,259
That's an ideal solution.
945
01:17:51,366 --> 01:17:56,167
But in order for the janitor to come,
he must have form 103C,
946
01:17:56,271 --> 01:17:59,729
and form 103C is in the same cabinet.
947
01:18:00,776 --> 01:18:04,644
- I don't believe this.
- It is a little unexpected.
948
01:18:04,846 --> 01:18:07,314
On the other hand, we're not going to be
defeated by bureaucracy,
949
01:18:07,416 --> 01:18:09,611
are we, Herr Schubelgruber?
950
01:18:09,718 --> 01:18:12,448
If the janitor won't come
to the filing cabinet,
951
01:18:16,625 --> 01:18:19,093
we must take the filing cabinet
to the janitor.
952
01:18:19,194 --> 01:18:20,821
Right, Anton?
953
01:18:20,929 --> 01:18:23,625
Certainly. Why not?
954
01:18:23,732 --> 01:18:25,324
Gentlemen.
955
01:18:30,405 --> 01:18:32,703
Where is the janitor?
956
01:18:32,841 --> 01:18:34,536
In the basement.
957
01:18:51,393 --> 01:18:53,953
How are we going to get it
down the steps?
958
01:18:54,062 --> 01:18:56,087
We can use this hoist.
959
01:18:57,632 --> 01:18:58,963
Excellent.
960
01:18:59,067 --> 01:19:02,036
We'll tie this rope to it
and lower it down.
961
01:19:07,843 --> 01:19:10,403
Okay, I'll hold the rope,
you push it off the steps on three.
962
01:19:10,512 --> 01:19:12,377
- Good idea.
- One.
963
01:19:12,481 --> 01:19:13,573
Two.
964
01:19:13,682 --> 01:19:14,740
Three.
965
01:19:18,186 --> 01:19:19,813
No!
966
01:19:25,894 --> 01:19:28,954
I got it. I got it.
967
01:19:29,064 --> 01:19:31,328
It's okay. Got it.
968
01:19:31,700 --> 01:19:32,997
It's okay.
969
01:20:01,496 --> 01:20:02,588
Help!
970
01:20:14,676 --> 01:20:16,644
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
971
01:20:16,745 --> 01:20:18,713
Just get up very slowly.
972
01:20:24,820 --> 01:20:27,118
No, no, no, no. No!
973
01:20:55,750 --> 01:20:56,978
Form 27B.
974
01:21:02,324 --> 01:21:04,918
Herr Schubelgruber,
your problems are over.
975
01:21:05,026 --> 01:21:08,223
Mr. Kafka, I'll never forget this.
976
01:21:08,330 --> 01:21:11,561
Oh, you can even make
bureaucracy interesting,
977
01:21:11,666 --> 01:21:14,032
if you have a little imagination.
978
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:16,068
Thank you.
979
01:21:22,577 --> 01:21:24,044
What a trial.
980
01:21:46,434 --> 01:21:47,594
So, how long will this take?
981
01:21:47,702 --> 01:21:50,500
The installation team will be with you
the first thing in the morning.
982
01:21:50,605 --> 01:21:52,971
That is the 8th, at 9:00 am.
983
01:21:53,108 --> 01:21:54,473
Well, is that definitely?
984
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:57,238
Because I'm expecting a very important
phone call at 1200 hours.
985
01:21:57,345 --> 01:21:59,006
The phone really has to be
working by then.
986
01:21:59,114 --> 01:22:03,551
Look, all the paperwork's
been completed, everything is in order.
987
01:22:03,652 --> 01:22:07,611
I guarantee the phone will be
installed by 9:15.
988
01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:11,183
9:15?
989
01:22:11,293 --> 01:22:14,353
But you'll only have
a couple of hours to spare.
990
01:22:14,462 --> 01:22:18,455
Don't you think that
you are cutting it a little fine?
991
01:22:18,566 --> 01:22:19,828
Well, if I were in charge
of this operation,
992
01:22:19,935 --> 01:22:23,530
I'd have made sure I rented
an apartment with a phone in it.
993
01:22:23,638 --> 01:22:24,832
All I can say is,
994
01:22:24,940 --> 01:22:28,808
if that telephone is not installed in
the apartment first thing in the morning,
995
01:22:28,910 --> 01:22:31,777
I will have you shot as a traitor.
996
01:22:32,047 --> 01:22:33,378
It will be.
997
01:22:56,604 --> 01:22:59,596
Telephone for Adolph Schubelgruber.
998
01:23:00,342 --> 01:23:01,570
Clouseau?
999
01:23:02,277 --> 01:23:04,336
Clouseau, what are you doing here?
1000
01:23:04,446 --> 01:23:06,880
How do you know that I am Clouseau?
1001
01:23:09,584 --> 01:23:13,543
I came to make sure that
the telephone was installed.
1002
01:23:14,289 --> 01:23:17,156
You don't trust me?
What, do you think I'm incompetent?
1003
01:23:17,258 --> 01:23:19,385
I can't get a single telephone installed?
1004
01:23:19,494 --> 01:23:22,793
What do you think, I'm an imbecile,
some kind of fool, an idiot?
1005
01:23:22,897 --> 01:23:23,886
Yes.
1006
01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:27,400
That telephone call is
going to come through in one hour.
1007
01:23:27,502 --> 01:23:29,936
Now, where is the telephone?
1008
01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:33,808
- It's not here yet.
- What?
1009
01:23:34,809 --> 01:23:37,676
- What?
- They promised me that it'll be here...
1010
01:23:38,313 --> 01:23:40,144
That's it. I told you.
1011
01:23:41,383 --> 01:23:43,112
Hi. Hi. Am I glad to see you.
1012
01:23:43,218 --> 01:23:44,913
We're from the Ministry of Telephones
1013
01:23:45,020 --> 01:23:47,147
and we're here
to install your instrument.
1014
01:23:47,255 --> 01:23:49,314
I know. I know. This is great.
Come on in.
1015
01:23:49,424 --> 01:23:50,391
Lovely.
1016
01:23:50,492 --> 01:23:51,481
Where do you want it, sir?
1017
01:23:51,593 --> 01:23:54,255
- Oh, over here will be fine.
- Very good.
1018
01:23:55,363 --> 01:23:57,729
Then we'll install it right here.
1019
01:23:59,401 --> 01:24:00,493
Okay.
1020
01:24:07,742 --> 01:24:10,208
That's great. That's wonderful.
1021
01:24:10,311 --> 01:24:13,576
Our pleasure, sir. Well, we'll be off now.
1022
01:24:14,482 --> 01:24:17,417
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
1023
01:24:18,386 --> 01:24:20,820
I guess you'll connect it up now, right?
1024
01:24:20,922 --> 01:24:22,082
Connect it up?
1025
01:24:22,190 --> 01:24:25,125
- To the wires you mean?
- Well, yeah, to the wires.
1026
01:24:25,226 --> 01:24:28,787
We're telephone installers,
Mr. Schubelgruber.
1027
01:24:28,897 --> 01:24:30,626
We wouldn't dream of connecting them.
1028
01:24:30,732 --> 01:24:34,099
- No. That's... Connections. That's right.
- Connections. Naturally.
1029
01:24:34,202 --> 01:24:35,897
- That's an entirely different department.
- Of course.
1030
01:24:36,004 --> 01:24:39,906
And when will Connections get here?
1031
01:24:40,008 --> 01:24:42,067
A couple of weeks from today,
they'll be knocking on your door,
1032
01:24:42,177 --> 01:24:44,042
and your phone will be working
in no time.
1033
01:24:44,145 --> 01:24:46,705
- A couple of weeks.
- You can guarantee it.
1034
01:24:48,783 --> 01:24:50,944
They're not going to install the phone
for a couple of weeks.
1035
01:24:51,052 --> 01:24:53,316
I heard that, you idiot.
1036
01:24:53,421 --> 01:24:55,651
Now, get me out of here.
1037
01:24:56,658 --> 01:24:58,523
The handle just broke.
1038
01:24:59,427 --> 01:25:00,985
What time is it?
1039
01:25:02,097 --> 01:25:03,792
Oh, my God, we've only got 20 minutes.
1040
01:25:03,898 --> 01:25:07,493
- Go and hook up the telephone.
- Right.
1041
01:25:07,635 --> 01:25:13,835
Hook up the wire to the pole
outside the window.
1042
01:25:19,514 --> 01:25:20,538
The wire is too short.
1043
01:25:20,648 --> 01:25:22,707
I'm gonna go to the store
and buy an extension cable.
1044
01:25:22,817 --> 01:25:25,251
We do not have time for that.
1045
01:25:25,353 --> 01:25:26,684
Wait. Wait.
1046
01:25:27,255 --> 01:25:32,249
I think that I can see
the telephone cable in here.
1047
01:25:33,128 --> 01:25:37,326
- All you have to do is to pull hard...
- Right.
1048
01:25:37,432 --> 01:25:39,332
...and make it reach.
1049
01:25:55,049 --> 01:25:56,846
Let go!
1050
01:26:07,662 --> 01:26:10,495
That wasn't the telephone cable.
It was an electrical cable.
1051
01:26:10,598 --> 01:26:12,463
Just my little mistake.
1052
01:26:15,603 --> 01:26:17,969
Don't just stand there.
1053
01:26:18,072 --> 01:26:20,597
Find the telephone cable.
1054
01:26:23,478 --> 01:26:24,638
Okay, I've got it.
1055
01:26:24,746 --> 01:26:27,772
How much time do we have left?
1056
01:26:27,882 --> 01:26:29,008
Ten minutes.
1057
01:26:29,117 --> 01:26:34,384
Connect the telephone cable
to the pole outside the window.
1058
01:26:52,507 --> 01:26:56,136
Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up!
1059
01:27:27,875 --> 01:27:30,139
For God's sake, hurry up.
1060
01:27:30,245 --> 01:27:32,543
I have to go wee-wee.
1061
01:27:52,767 --> 01:27:53,893
Hi.
1062
01:28:09,150 --> 01:28:10,276
Hurry!
1063
01:29:15,383 --> 01:29:18,614
Only three minutes left.
1064
01:30:11,806 --> 01:30:13,000
It's hooked up. It's working.
1065
01:30:13,107 --> 01:30:15,974
And not a moment too soon.
1066
01:30:16,077 --> 01:30:17,567
Now, get me out of here.
1067
01:30:55,416 --> 01:30:57,247
That's it. It's 12:00.
1068
01:30:58,352 --> 01:30:59,580
Where's the phone call?
1069
01:30:59,687 --> 01:31:01,678
Check the connection.
1070
01:31:34,121 --> 01:31:37,113
Answer the telephone.
1071
01:31:41,529 --> 01:31:43,497
Schubelgruber here.
1072
01:31:43,598 --> 01:31:45,532
Amadeus Schubelgruber?
1073
01:31:45,633 --> 01:31:46,622
Yes, yes, yes.
1074
01:31:46,734 --> 01:31:48,065
Hang on a minute.
1075
01:31:48,169 --> 01:31:49,295
I'm doing that.
1076
01:31:50,238 --> 01:31:55,198
You have to go to Berlin,
107 Friedrichstrasse.
1077
01:31:55,309 --> 01:31:56,401
Yes, and do what?
1078
01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:58,206
And arrange to have...
1079
01:31:58,312 --> 01:32:00,212
And arrange to have what?
1080
01:32:00,314 --> 01:32:02,248
A telephone installed.
1081
01:32:02,350 --> 01:32:03,339
What?
1082
01:32:03,451 --> 01:32:05,214
What could be easier?
1083
01:32:09,357 --> 01:32:11,723
Yeah, sure. What could be easier?82554
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