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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:49,605 May I help you? 2 00:01:49,709 --> 00:01:51,472 I hope so. 3 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:55,981 I'm looking for a one-eyed elephant named Bruno. 4 00:01:56,116 --> 00:02:00,052 - You must be Capitaine Defense. - Yes. 5 00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:02,553 Hey, I am Marcello. 6 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,646 Welcome to Barcelona. 7 00:02:04,757 --> 00:02:06,952 Oh, we are so glad to have you here. 8 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:12,999 A Belgian spy is just what we need to complete our little international alliance. 9 00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:16,227 - Alliance? - Oh, you will love this assignment. 10 00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:18,099 Believe me, it's every spy's dream. 11 00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:22,004 - But come, we must meet the others. - The others? Others, what others? 12 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:26,135 Well, the European Allies are working here together as a team. 13 00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:30,342 We have the very best agents in the intelligence community, 14 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:33,385 a very "crack squad," as the British might say. 15 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:37,183 I am, of course, Italiano, and a master of disguise. 16 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:38,814 I used to be a tailor. 17 00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:43,225 Then there is Charles, a Frenchman, who used to be a tax inspector. 18 00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,887 And Cunningham, the Englishman, 19 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:48,434 in peacetime he wrote novels and thrillers, 20 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:50,799 and now in wartime he is acting them out, 21 00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:53,600 which he will like a little bit, I'm sure. 22 00:03:02,415 --> 00:03:03,882 Now, over there, Captain, 23 00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:06,178 you see the German espionage community. 24 00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:07,310 They're here in the same caf�? 25 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:10,981 But of course, otherwise we spend all the day following each other around. 26 00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:12,352 Right. 27 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,221 - So, if we're here... - Exactly. 28 00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:17,194 We can all watch Juanita. 29 00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:21,199 What we are doing, Capitaine, is critical to the war effort. 30 00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,598 Right. Right. 31 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:26,138 - You see, Spain is neutral. - Right, neutral. 32 00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:29,936 The Germans, naturalmente, want her to come in on their side. 33 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:33,945 While we are determined that she comes in on ours. 34 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,015 It all depends on the King. 35 00:03:36,115 --> 00:03:40,017 Whose wife, of course, was a favorite of your Queen Victoria's. 36 00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,644 And therefore, on our side. 37 00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:47,089 - But his father is a German. - So, she supports the Germans. 38 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,425 You see that chap over there? 39 00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,022 He's the head of the German team 40 00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:57,034 and as tricky a customer as you would wish for. 41 00:03:57,136 --> 00:04:02,938 Every day, Colonel Schmidt's influence in Spain grows and grows. 42 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:04,976 It's huge. Our job... 43 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,514 Is to put a spike in the bastard's wheel. 44 00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:10,981 Right. So, how can I help? 45 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,315 Get yourself a disguise, naturalmente. 46 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,580 A disguise? 47 00:04:15,688 --> 00:04:16,814 A job. 48 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:20,386 Just don't let them know you're a spy. 49 00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:22,024 A job? 50 00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:24,228 A job of work. 51 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:27,197 Do you know anybody in Barcelona who might be able to give you a job? 52 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:30,895 And, of course, he must be somebody you trust completamente. 53 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,546 Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find Mr. Picasso? 54 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,556 Right over there, se�or. 55 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:30,128 - Mr. Picasso? - Yes. 56 00:05:30,229 --> 00:05:33,062 You probably don't remember, but about 10 years ago in Paris, 57 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,225 when you had a falling out with Degas, 58 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,235 an American kid forged one of your paintings... 59 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,805 And another American kid sold it for me. 60 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:43,569 Ah, yes, I remember very well. 61 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,941 I needed the money to pay for a party. 62 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,776 - Don't tell me you're... - Yep! 63 00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:54,410 Norman, it's good to see you again. How is the painting coming along, huh? 64 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:58,047 No, Norman Rockwell was the other kid. I'm Indiana Jones. 65 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:01,882 Ah, well, we can't all be talented. 66 00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:04,519 Ah, poor old Degas, who thinks of him now? 67 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:09,829 It is all Picasso, Picasso. 68 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:13,166 Well, I just wondered if you wanted any help with... 69 00:06:13,272 --> 00:06:14,967 You think Picasso wants help with painting? 70 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:17,941 You think any painter just walks in off the street to paint like Picasso paints? 71 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,739 No, I meant with the scenery. Just... 72 00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:21,541 All right. Hold on. 73 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,775 You want job, huh? 74 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,750 Come with me. 75 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,787 I have got a better idea. 76 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,082 But Mr. Diaghilev... 77 00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:35,923 I thought I could make a revolution in art with movement and music and color, 78 00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:38,258 but with a performance such as yours, 79 00:06:38,364 --> 00:06:40,832 these weapons turn to dust in my hand! 80 00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:45,302 - Mr. Diaghilev... - The old order triumphs, 81 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:50,934 all because you cannot stand still. 82 00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:54,774 Hi, Sergei, I have new dancer for you. 83 00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,075 - What? - Dancer? 84 00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,616 I never want to see another dancer. 85 00:06:58,718 --> 00:07:02,415 - I'm not a dancer. - Ah, then you're hired. 86 00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:03,614 Hey, look... 87 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:09,057 I need someone who knows how to stand still. 88 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,424 Drop your trousers. 89 00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,862 Now, listen... 90 00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:15,957 I wish to look at your legs. 91 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,265 You want a job, don't you? 92 00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:25,634 Well? 93 00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:41,126 Very well, I will make you a eunuch. 94 00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:42,524 A eunuch? 95 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,654 In this, who could resist? 96 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,595 Spain sells France the mules to haul 97 00:07:50,703 --> 00:07:52,330 the guns around the Western Front, see? 98 00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,531 So, if the German agents poison the mules, 99 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,733 the French will accuse the Spanish of selling them sick animals, 100 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:59,073 and therefore, will refuse to form an alliance with them. 101 00:07:59,178 --> 00:08:00,509 And the Germans will be delighted. 102 00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:03,138 But what a rotten trick. 103 00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:07,613 Charles, this is war. We've got to be rotten. 104 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,587 We can't beat the Germans by behaving like English gentlemen. 105 00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,454 Oh, if only we could. 106 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,899 A haircut, please, barber. 107 00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:30,942 I think the se�or would prefer a shave today? 108 00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:36,174 The razor is extremely sharp this morning. 109 00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:42,050 Oh, yes. Yes, I meant I want a shave. 110 00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:47,285 I have stropped the razor 54 times, se�or. 111 00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:51,190 Then I expect it will be sharp. 112 00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:00,263 Ah, Captain, perfect timing. 113 00:09:00,406 --> 00:09:02,465 Did you get a good job, Capitaine? 114 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,941 I only got the worst job in the world. 115 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:09,481 Can you believe some crazy Russian tried to make me a eunuch in a ballet? 116 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,383 Se�or Diaghilev? 117 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,851 He offered you a job in the Ballet Russes? 118 00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,081 And you turned it down? 119 00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,251 Well, of course. 120 00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:24,728 Well, can you see me tripping about on a stage like the sugarplum fairy? 121 00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:29,823 The Ballet Russes is not that kind of a show, Capitaine. 122 00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:31,699 Absolutely not. 123 00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:32,930 When they perform Sheherazade, 124 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:36,440 they have men and women actually making love on the stage. 125 00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:38,942 It's disgusting, you don't know where to look. 126 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,069 Well, that's great, but I... 127 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:41,441 And when they do a thing called The Rite of Spring, 128 00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:42,809 they have people fighting in the aisles. 129 00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,884 This does not happen in Swan Lake, Capitaine. 130 00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:46,974 That's fine. But I'm... 131 00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,747 I've heard say that Colonel Schmidt himself 132 00:09:48,854 --> 00:09:50,845 has fallen in love with one of the dancers. 133 00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:56,054 There is no better cover for a spy in Spain in this momento. 134 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,492 - Well, sure, but I'm not... - Capitaine. 135 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,329 I think you should regard this 136 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:06,064 - as top military priorit�. - Top. 137 00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,504 Anyway, you got nice legs. 138 00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,983 Igor, to the left. 139 00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:29,721 Igor. To the left, Igor. 140 00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:31,962 He's talking to you. 141 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,568 My name is Indiana Jones, Mr. Diaghilev. 142 00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:40,730 Don't be silly. That's not a Russian name. 143 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,535 Neither am I. 144 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:47,102 Everybody in my ballet company is Russian, Igor. 145 00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:48,840 He has English Russians. 146 00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,609 Italian Russians. 147 00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,274 Et French Russians. 148 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,479 You think I can afford to bring Russian Russians 149 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,522 all the way from Russia? 150 00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:00,421 Mr. Diaghilev, it's a Russian Ballet company. 151 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:04,552 Igor, just move to the left! 152 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:16,271 Indiana, you were born to be a eunuch. 153 00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:18,502 Come, meet my fianc�e, Olga. 154 00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:25,710 Hi, there. How do you like my costume, Indy? 155 00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:29,515 - That's a costume? - Of course. 156 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,715 What do you expect when you hire Picasso? 157 00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:35,783 Stravinsky revolutionizes the music, Nijinsky revolutionizes the dance, 158 00:11:35,895 --> 00:11:38,523 I revolutionize the look! 159 00:11:43,069 --> 00:11:47,267 Nadia, let me introduce you to the young man you were whispering to just now. 160 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,773 Indy, Miss Kamenevsky. 161 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:54,835 The man with too many names. Delighted to meet you, Igor. 162 00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:59,116 Miss Kamenevsky, 163 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:03,279 you are as beautiful as ever. 164 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,187 And so are you, Colonel Schmidt. 165 00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:10,592 Se�or Picasso, when we have won the war, 166 00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:12,459 and I will have to advise Berlin 167 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,965 which artist Germany shall favor, 168 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:19,367 I regret to say you will not be among them. 169 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:24,234 I suppose it gives you some kind of perverse pleasure 170 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:26,368 to wear this kind of thing, young man? 171 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,380 I think you were looking for the house manager, Colonel Schmidt. 172 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,950 Of course, the box he's offered the embassy 173 00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,781 is an insult to the entire German race. 174 00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:37,617 They're going to be so crowded in there. 175 00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:40,089 Box office is this way. 176 00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:47,359 There, look. 177 00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,161 One o'clock on the starboard. 178 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:50,735 Can you make out the number? 179 00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:54,237 Eight, and I think it's a three. Seven. 180 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,702 87. 181 00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:59,573 Haven't spotted that one before. Bit of luck. 182 00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:02,909 Is it really that important, writing down the numbers of German U-boats? 183 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:06,178 It's absolutely vital, and terribly interesting, don't you think? 184 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,448 I have a collection of 69 U-boat numbers, 185 00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:11,523 not including duplicate sightings. 186 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,956 Wow, that's really impressive. 187 00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:16,550 Just solid, unrelenting work. 188 00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:19,722 Any champagne left there, old chap? Just a drop, no more. 189 00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:20,924 No. 190 00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:24,696 So, you successfully infiltrated the old tutu brigade, eh? 191 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,897 And identified Colonel Schmidt's girlfriend. 192 00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:30,635 Nadia Kamenevsky, just a dancer, I'm afraid. 193 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:34,270 I was rather hoping he'd be lusting after something more embarrassing. 194 00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:38,248 You mean, you wished he'd make eyes at the Queen or something. 195 00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,750 Exactly, or a duchess at least. 196 00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:45,449 Endless possibilities for diplomatic incidents there. 197 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:49,961 Hey, what if we helped Colonel Schmidt find himself a duchess? 198 00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:53,225 Captain, that is exactly the kind of dirty trick 199 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,562 we've been looking for for months. 200 00:14:07,012 --> 00:14:10,709 No, no, no, no. We must have more passion. 201 00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:14,284 This is supposed to be an orgy of harem women, 202 00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:17,947 not a conference of certified accountants. 203 00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:22,016 Smolder, Miss Kamenevsky, smolder. 204 00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:25,426 Pretend you're stroking Colonel Schmidt's bristles. 205 00:14:57,229 --> 00:15:01,188 Sorry, ma'am. I didn't hear you. I just came... 206 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:02,892 Ma'am? 207 00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,197 Hello? 208 00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:07,601 Ma'am? 209 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:40,995 Igor, what are you doing here? 210 00:15:43,042 --> 00:15:45,237 I couldn't help myself, Nadia. 211 00:15:46,111 --> 00:15:47,703 What do you mean? 212 00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:51,239 I just had to talk to you. 213 00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:54,242 Oh, I see. What about? 214 00:15:58,624 --> 00:15:59,886 The ballet. 215 00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:01,960 The ballet, you know, the ballet that we're in. 216 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:03,722 Yes, indeed. It's called Sheherazade. 217 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:07,128 Right. Right. Well, you see, my part, 218 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,831 I'm not really sure how to give it depth. 219 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,865 Resonant, real, real feeling. 220 00:16:15,374 --> 00:16:18,207 Igor, all you have to do is hold a scimitar. 221 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,339 True, true, true. Yes, that's exactly true, 222 00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:25,907 but I wanted to hold it with resonance. 223 00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,087 I think I could show you. 224 00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:33,016 Did you want to take me to lunch so I can tell you about resonance? 225 00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:35,093 That would be perfect. 226 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:38,823 What about tomorrow? Caf� Oporto? 12:30? 227 00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,957 That would be great. Perfect. 228 00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:46,103 And, Nadia, thank you. 229 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:55,803 An entire love letter from Colonel Schmidt to Nadia Kamenevsky. 230 00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,439 "Nadia, my dearest, 231 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:03,214 "from your very own adoring Prussian..." Oh, terrific. 232 00:17:03,322 --> 00:17:07,656 "Your voluptuousness overwhelms me every time we kiss." 233 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:11,753 - This is just what we want. - But it's so far below the belt. 234 00:17:13,298 --> 00:17:15,391 Marcello is the finest copier in all of Spain. 235 00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:20,370 Only this time, I copy Consuela instead of Nadia. 236 00:17:20,739 --> 00:17:25,506 But is it right to blacken that poor woman's name? 237 00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:28,136 After all, she is the Contessa of Toledo. 238 00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:30,238 Precisely. And if the Count of Toledo 239 00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:32,579 thinks his wife is making love to a German, 240 00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:35,118 the Kaiser's court in Spain is absolutely done for. 241 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,415 And the Count is, how you say in English, 242 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:40,151 a semi-psychotic, paranoid introvert. 243 00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:43,990 An exceptionally jealous blighter. 244 00:17:44,096 --> 00:17:45,427 But do you think the letter alone will convince him? 245 00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:48,659 Absolutely. The letter's just a start. 246 00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:53,295 As soon as Marcello's finished tracing, he's going upstairs to have his hair cut. 247 00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,532 Oh, no. Cunningham, I refuse to go to the barber's. 248 00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:56,608 Marcello? 249 00:17:56,708 --> 00:17:59,700 No, no, my hair, she's only just grown back from last time. 250 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,040 Pull yourself together. 251 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,740 The women, they recoil for weeks afterwards. 252 00:18:03,849 --> 00:18:08,218 This is war. You must have your hair cut. 253 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:20,024 I hope you like paella. 254 00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:21,963 I have ordered special paella for two. 255 00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:25,628 It's one of my favorite dishes. 256 00:18:25,737 --> 00:18:28,331 That's very fortunate, Igor. 257 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,000 Paella is my favorite dish, too. 258 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,211 I like the element of surprise. 259 00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,612 You never know what you will find. 260 00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:46,222 Well. 261 00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:50,960 See, I was telling the truth. Wasn't I? 262 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,691 I do like paella. 263 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,097 Do you always tell the truth, Igor? 264 00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:57,361 Always. 265 00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:02,673 Then what were you doing with Colonel Schmidt's letter just now? 266 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:06,469 I was putting it back, so you wouldn't know that I'd read it. 267 00:19:06,578 --> 00:19:08,068 You wicked man. 268 00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:10,876 You stole Colonel Schmidt's love letter. 269 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,712 I couldn't help myself, Nadia. 270 00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,718 I just had to know what he'd been saying to you. 271 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,518 Indy, you're jealous of Colonel Schmidt. 272 00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:23,426 Nadia, the man is not fit to do up your ballet pumps. 273 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:25,321 Every time I see the two of you together, 274 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:27,625 I have to hold myself back to just keep from hitting him. 275 00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:29,997 Oh, don't be cruel to the poor Colonel. 276 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:31,797 He's quite harmless, really. 277 00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,838 But what can you possibly see in him? 278 00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:36,908 Oh, roses, champagne, expensive dinners. 279 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:40,775 If it gives an elderly German officer pleasure to give them to me, 280 00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,972 who could possibly object? 281 00:19:43,081 --> 00:19:45,811 - Well, for starters... - Don't let's talk about him. 282 00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,613 Let's talk about you. 283 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:51,678 I want to discover everything there is to know about you. 284 00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:08,301 Excuse me, Contessa. 285 00:20:08,407 --> 00:20:11,604 But is that the residence of the Marquis of Segovia? 286 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,440 No, this is the residence of the Duke of Almeda. 287 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,741 The Marquis lives much nearer the sea. 288 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:18,008 Thank you, se�ora. 289 00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:20,710 You've saved me an unnecessary journey. 290 00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:23,917 I appreciate your... 291 00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:36,931 Contessa. 292 00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,355 He's just dropping her off. 293 00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:06,090 The car will soon be on its way to the Governor's palace to get the Count. 294 00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,132 We have 12 minutes. 295 00:21:35,694 --> 00:21:37,753 I think you were in my way. 296 00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:40,331 You priests are everywhere, sucking the lifeblood... 297 00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:43,128 Put him down, you ruffian. At once. 298 00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,533 Ah, lickspittle! 299 00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:49,937 Toadying to the rich. Come to help your pal the priest, eh? 300 00:21:50,742 --> 00:21:53,836 Stop! Put him down, now! 301 00:22:06,058 --> 00:22:07,218 Thank you, my son. 302 00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:08,486 Are you all right, Father? 303 00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:11,153 These anarchists have no respect for God or country. 304 00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:14,198 - Would you care for a glass of wine? - Thank you, Father, 305 00:22:14,299 --> 00:22:17,427 but now I have to collect the Count of Toledo from the Governor's palace. 306 00:22:17,536 --> 00:22:20,232 Then you are on an important mission. 307 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,500 - God bless you, my son. - Goodbye, Father. 308 00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:23,665 Help! Hey, hey! 309 00:22:23,775 --> 00:22:26,437 Capitaine, I think we handled that rather neatly. 310 00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:28,137 Didn't we? 311 00:22:29,314 --> 00:22:30,645 Capitaine? 312 00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,553 Capitaine. Capitaine. 313 00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,439 Sorry to be a moment or two late, Your Honor. 314 00:23:01,546 --> 00:23:04,140 I had to rescue a priest from a mob of anarchists. 315 00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:06,740 That's no excuse for poor timekeeping, Julio. 316 00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:08,580 We must hurry and pick up the Contessa 317 00:23:08,687 --> 00:23:11,679 in order to get to the ballet by 8:00. 318 00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:38,046 That's my wife. 319 00:23:40,786 --> 00:23:45,018 Have you seen any men with my wife recently, Julio? 320 00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,416 Well, Your Excellency, now you mention it... 321 00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:18,355 Look around, Julio. 322 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:22,086 If you see the gentleman in question, let me know. 323 00:24:31,703 --> 00:24:35,002 Leave the costume alone, Delfina. It's perfectly all right. 324 00:24:36,107 --> 00:24:38,541 Igor, you swine. 325 00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:42,574 Delfina, he hasn't traced my name, he's filled in someone else's. 326 00:24:43,248 --> 00:24:47,548 "Consuela"? Consuela. 327 00:24:47,652 --> 00:24:49,347 That's the Countess of Toledo. 328 00:24:49,454 --> 00:24:52,321 She and the Count will appear tonight in this very theater. 329 00:24:52,457 --> 00:24:54,891 And so will the Colonel. We have to warn him at once. 330 00:24:55,026 --> 00:24:58,484 Your Excellency, that looks very like the man over there. 331 00:25:02,901 --> 00:25:05,734 The German cultural attach�? 332 00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:07,737 Two minutes, Miss Kamenevsky. 333 00:25:07,839 --> 00:25:11,036 Delfina, you must take the note to the Colonel. 334 00:25:11,710 --> 00:25:13,940 He's in box A1. 335 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:18,176 Box A1. 336 00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:24,521 And, Delfina, hurry. It's vital. 337 00:25:24,623 --> 00:25:28,650 Box A... A1. 338 00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:30,893 Hi, Delfina. 339 00:25:33,632 --> 00:25:34,929 Hi, Nadia. 340 00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:14,804 "My darling, be on your guard. 341 00:26:14,906 --> 00:26:16,965 "They are trying to make the Count of Toledo believe 342 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:19,475 "you're making love to the Countess." 343 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:23,441 Delfina. 344 00:26:25,183 --> 00:26:29,586 Igor, you're on now! Come on. 345 00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:14,128 Now, you're sure you understand what to do? 346 00:27:14,232 --> 00:27:17,360 Yes, se�or. To the Countess, I say the cards are from the Colonel, 347 00:27:17,469 --> 00:27:19,869 and to the Colonel, I say they are from the Countess. 348 00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:21,700 And there must be no mistake. 349 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:24,104 Only if it goes without a hitch will you get your money. 350 00:27:24,209 --> 00:27:26,040 Of course, se�or. What can go wrong? 351 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:27,668 What indeed, Manuel? 352 00:28:20,165 --> 00:28:23,566 It's from the Countess of Toledo, sir. She's in Box 8. 353 00:28:30,275 --> 00:28:33,142 "The Spanish need some real music. 354 00:28:34,345 --> 00:28:36,609 "Would the German embassy be able to arrange 355 00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:41,175 "for one of Wagner's great operas to be performed here?" 356 00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:46,789 Good Lord. What a splendid suggestion. 357 00:28:47,959 --> 00:28:50,223 What an intelligent woman. 358 00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:46,479 This is what he sent back, sir. 359 00:29:46,584 --> 00:29:48,176 Perfecto, listen to this. 360 00:29:48,286 --> 00:29:49,981 "Your idea is inspired. 361 00:29:50,088 --> 00:29:52,318 "Barcelona will ring to wonderful music." 362 00:29:52,423 --> 00:29:55,449 Add "our" before "wonderful." 363 00:30:12,043 --> 00:30:13,704 That way. 364 00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:28,885 The Contessa's reply, se�or. 365 00:30:32,964 --> 00:30:34,829 "Could you also arrange for a visit 366 00:30:34,933 --> 00:30:38,425 "by the heavenly bell ringers of Bad Godesberg?" 367 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:48,145 This passes belief. 368 00:30:49,881 --> 00:30:51,246 Delfina. 369 00:30:57,088 --> 00:30:59,113 No. 370 00:31:02,493 --> 00:31:05,155 An urgent message for you, sir. 371 00:31:12,470 --> 00:31:15,871 "They are trying to make the Count of Toledo believe that 372 00:31:15,974 --> 00:31:18,670 "you are making love to the Countess." 373 00:31:19,444 --> 00:31:20,911 How wonderful. 374 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,778 Do you think he'll be convinced? 375 00:31:25,450 --> 00:31:26,883 Go on. 376 00:31:32,423 --> 00:31:34,755 I say, look at Igor. 377 00:31:34,859 --> 00:31:36,850 He's flashing his codpiece. 378 00:31:38,129 --> 00:31:40,188 And it's in Morse code. 379 00:31:43,201 --> 00:31:46,898 And this is the person I hired to stand still? 380 00:31:48,506 --> 00:31:50,030 "Nadia..." 381 00:31:50,141 --> 00:31:52,166 "Is..." 382 00:31:52,277 --> 00:31:53,972 "On to..." 383 00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:56,069 - "Us." - Exclamation point. 384 00:31:56,314 --> 00:31:58,077 Up. Go up. 385 00:32:00,652 --> 00:32:01,778 Go up. 386 00:32:07,692 --> 00:32:09,319 "Stop..." 387 00:32:09,427 --> 00:32:11,418 - "The..." - "Old..." 388 00:32:11,529 --> 00:32:12,894 "Woman." 389 00:32:13,364 --> 00:32:15,662 Double exclamation point. 390 00:32:16,534 --> 00:32:18,331 What old woman? 391 00:32:22,707 --> 00:32:24,174 That old woman. 392 00:33:07,785 --> 00:33:11,277 - There she is. Stop her! - Old woman, stop! 393 00:33:14,559 --> 00:33:16,117 Stop! 394 00:33:20,431 --> 00:33:22,695 An urgent message for you, sir. 395 00:33:55,433 --> 00:33:59,961 Count. Contessa. Colonel Schmidt at your service. 396 00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:03,707 Contessa, your love of German culture has inspired me. 397 00:34:03,808 --> 00:34:07,801 Let me assure you, I will stop at nothing to gratify your desire 398 00:34:07,912 --> 00:34:11,439 to know more of the artistic riches of the Fatherland. 399 00:34:15,686 --> 00:34:17,153 Artistic riches? 400 00:34:17,255 --> 00:34:21,624 Your Excellency, your wife has made certain demands of me 401 00:34:21,726 --> 00:34:23,921 of a cultural nature. 402 00:34:24,028 --> 00:34:25,495 I can promise you, sir, 403 00:34:25,596 --> 00:34:30,761 it will give me enormous pleasure to satisfy them. 404 00:34:30,868 --> 00:34:33,598 And what's more, I will tell everyone in Barcelona 405 00:34:33,704 --> 00:34:36,798 that the idea was hers and hers alone. 406 00:34:38,076 --> 00:34:39,941 Name your second, sir. 407 00:34:41,846 --> 00:34:43,609 - What? - A duel, sir. 408 00:34:43,714 --> 00:34:47,206 At dawn tomorrow. Pistols, I assume. 409 00:34:48,553 --> 00:34:51,044 You have something against Wagner, Count? 410 00:34:54,525 --> 00:34:57,790 You are not fond of German bell ringing? 411 00:34:57,895 --> 00:34:59,658 The Germans are a race of swine, 412 00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:02,665 of whom you are a perfect representative. 413 00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:09,597 Very well, Count. 414 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:15,205 If that is your view, these gentlemen will act as my seconds. 415 00:35:15,313 --> 00:35:17,781 Pistols will be perfectly in order. 416 00:35:18,749 --> 00:35:20,876 I look forward to seeing you at dawn. 417 00:35:20,985 --> 00:35:23,146 Colonel! 418 00:35:24,155 --> 00:35:25,315 Well, Count, 419 00:35:25,423 --> 00:35:29,291 the old bull ring, I understand, is traditional in these encounters. 420 00:35:29,393 --> 00:35:33,853 You are well-informed. The sand, you see, soaks up the blood. 421 00:35:48,412 --> 00:35:49,845 - Well? - I've got her safe. 422 00:35:49,947 --> 00:35:51,608 - Oh, where? - But you know what's happened? 423 00:35:51,716 --> 00:35:53,581 The Count has challenged Colonel Schmidt to a duel. 424 00:35:53,684 --> 00:35:55,151 Good Lord! 425 00:35:55,253 --> 00:35:57,585 - What if someone gets killed? - Perfect. 426 00:35:57,688 --> 00:35:59,622 - What? - If Schmidt kills the Count, 427 00:35:59,724 --> 00:36:02,420 the Germans will be persona non grata in Spain for months to come. 428 00:36:02,527 --> 00:36:06,361 And if the Count kills Schmidt, the Germans lose their top spy. 429 00:36:06,464 --> 00:36:07,761 But what if they kill each other? 430 00:36:07,865 --> 00:36:10,925 Then I'll personally buy us all a magnum of champagne. 431 00:36:11,035 --> 00:36:13,094 Capitaine, I must congratulate you. 432 00:36:13,204 --> 00:36:15,172 Your first espionage assignment in Spain 433 00:36:15,273 --> 00:36:18,208 is rapidly approaching a triumphant conclusion. 434 00:36:18,342 --> 00:36:19,309 - Great. - Just make sure 435 00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:21,911 the girl is safe until after dawn tomorrow morning. 436 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,106 And everything will be hunky-dory. 437 00:36:24,215 --> 00:36:25,978 I'm way ahead of you. 438 00:36:35,927 --> 00:36:37,724 Hey, Nadia. 439 00:36:37,828 --> 00:36:41,764 Look, I'm sorry about all this, but I had to, you know? 440 00:36:43,901 --> 00:36:46,597 Here we go. Look, I got something to eat. 441 00:36:49,140 --> 00:36:52,371 You promise not to yell if I take the gag off? 442 00:36:53,344 --> 00:36:55,278 All right, you promised. 443 00:36:56,480 --> 00:37:01,179 You are a complete, bungling idiotic fool, just about to ruin 444 00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:04,721 one of the most carefully planned espionage operations of the war. 445 00:37:04,822 --> 00:37:06,380 Here, eat this, you'll feel better. 446 00:37:06,490 --> 00:37:10,620 I won't feel better until I've seen you drummed out of the espionage corps. 447 00:37:10,728 --> 00:37:13,094 Do you realize who Schmidt is? 448 00:37:13,197 --> 00:37:15,188 Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. 449 00:37:15,299 --> 00:37:17,460 He's the head of the German spy network in Spain. 450 00:37:17,568 --> 00:37:21,368 Oh, idiot. He's the most valuable double agent 451 00:37:21,472 --> 00:37:24,236 American intelligence has ever recruited. 452 00:37:24,342 --> 00:37:26,242 American intelligence? 453 00:37:28,512 --> 00:37:30,412 Well, how come nobody told us? 454 00:37:30,514 --> 00:37:32,675 You want it published in a newsletter? 455 00:37:32,783 --> 00:37:35,183 There was no need for you to know. 456 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:37,813 So, what do you Russians have to do with all this? 457 00:37:37,922 --> 00:37:40,891 Oh, you nincompoop, I'm no more Russian than you are. 458 00:37:40,992 --> 00:37:42,789 I'm his American contact. 459 00:37:42,893 --> 00:37:45,691 Why do you think we pretended to be lovers? 460 00:37:48,366 --> 00:37:52,200 - Well, you could be just saying this. - Yes, I could, but I'm not! 461 00:37:52,303 --> 00:37:54,134 Now, untie me at once! 462 00:37:56,173 --> 00:37:57,970 I'll need to discuss it with my friends first. 463 00:37:58,075 --> 00:37:59,303 Untie me! 464 00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:02,112 Not until I talk to my friends. 465 00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:04,238 Then take me with you. 466 00:38:05,416 --> 00:38:06,713 All right. 467 00:38:23,434 --> 00:38:24,901 Good morning, Ludwig. 468 00:38:25,002 --> 00:38:27,061 The dawn of an exciting day. 469 00:38:27,171 --> 00:38:30,231 Your chance to die for the honor of Germany. 470 00:38:31,942 --> 00:38:34,775 Wonderful. I can't wait. 471 00:38:39,016 --> 00:38:40,779 Do we really have to put the gag back on? 472 00:38:40,885 --> 00:38:45,822 No, but I'm tired of her calling me a bumbling French bureaucrat. 473 00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:49,490 And we need to time to think, huh? 474 00:38:50,561 --> 00:38:52,153 Don't you believe her? 475 00:38:52,263 --> 00:38:55,630 Well, it sounds plausible. 476 00:38:58,903 --> 00:39:00,837 Look, I'm terribly sorry, madam, 477 00:39:00,938 --> 00:39:02,200 but we've all signaled our headquarters. 478 00:39:02,306 --> 00:39:05,002 We simply have to then wait for their reply. 479 00:39:31,135 --> 00:39:36,573 Madam, we owe you and Colonel Schmidt an apology. 480 00:39:37,208 --> 00:39:40,666 You'll have to deliver his to the cemetery, you toffee-nosed bozo! 481 00:39:40,778 --> 00:39:42,507 You have 35 minutes before the Count of Toledo 482 00:39:42,613 --> 00:39:44,012 starts giving him a lead breakfast. 483 00:39:44,115 --> 00:39:48,484 Madam, you may rely on us to prevent this misfortune from occurring. 484 00:39:54,959 --> 00:39:57,325 I think I know why no one has ever attempted 485 00:39:57,428 --> 00:40:00,727 to have an affair with the Countess before. 486 00:40:00,831 --> 00:40:02,594 Very well, gentlemen. 487 00:40:03,868 --> 00:40:06,564 Shall we go and shoot ourselves a German? 488 00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,540 If the Colonel is really an American agent, 489 00:40:10,641 --> 00:40:12,165 why doesn't he just refuse to fight? 490 00:40:12,276 --> 00:40:14,972 And entirely destroy his credibility with the Germans? 491 00:40:15,079 --> 00:40:18,207 No, no, the poor devil's got no option but to shoot it out in the bull ring. 492 00:40:18,315 --> 00:40:21,807 Perhaps we could substitute blank ammunition for the real bullets. 493 00:40:21,919 --> 00:40:22,908 Really? 494 00:40:23,020 --> 00:40:24,715 Or we could waylay his seconds on the way to the duel. 495 00:40:24,822 --> 00:40:28,258 No, no, no. Rather, wait until they reach the bull ring, 496 00:40:28,359 --> 00:40:32,056 then sneak into the pens and release the bulls. 497 00:40:32,163 --> 00:40:35,894 Gentlemen, I hate to disturb these entertaining fantasies, 498 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,902 - but there's only one thing we can do. - What do you have in mind? 499 00:40:40,004 --> 00:40:42,302 We've got to tell the truth. 500 00:40:44,141 --> 00:40:45,972 Surely not. 501 00:40:46,076 --> 00:40:48,476 We have to tell the Count that his wife has not been having an affair, 502 00:40:48,579 --> 00:40:50,444 that he's been tricked into fighting the Colonel, 503 00:40:50,548 --> 00:40:53,711 and that he can call the duel off with his honor unsmirched. 504 00:40:53,818 --> 00:40:55,547 But will he believe us? 505 00:40:55,653 --> 00:40:57,416 He will when we show him the letter you stole. 506 00:40:57,521 --> 00:41:00,285 Of course, he'll be able to see for himself that 507 00:41:00,391 --> 00:41:03,883 his wife's name has been substituted for this young lady's. 508 00:41:03,994 --> 00:41:06,485 So, give me the letter, Igor. 509 00:41:07,097 --> 00:41:10,658 Well, I guess I left it back at the theater. 510 00:41:11,635 --> 00:41:15,503 Military intelligence. It's a contradiction in terms! 511 00:41:26,517 --> 00:41:28,985 - Hey, open up! - Open up. Open up quickly! 512 00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:43,057 We just forgot something. 513 00:41:56,614 --> 00:41:59,777 Stand still, all of you. 514 00:41:59,917 --> 00:42:01,509 Where did you last see it? 515 00:42:01,619 --> 00:42:03,280 - It was there. - Here? 516 00:42:03,420 --> 00:42:05,680 I put it down here on the edge. 517 00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,829 Who collects the rubbish? 518 00:42:18,602 --> 00:42:19,899 The caretaker! 519 00:42:20,004 --> 00:42:23,371 What does he do with the rubbish when he's collected it? 520 00:42:50,134 --> 00:42:51,499 You idiots! 521 00:42:58,542 --> 00:43:00,601 - Stop! - What? 522 00:43:03,547 --> 00:43:05,037 Thank goodness. 523 00:43:06,517 --> 00:43:08,075 What did she do? 524 00:43:36,914 --> 00:43:38,541 This is Dr. Borges. 525 00:43:38,649 --> 00:43:40,276 To attend to the wounded? 526 00:43:40,384 --> 00:43:43,478 To provide the death certificate, Colonel Schmidt. 527 00:43:59,136 --> 00:44:01,070 It is my duty to ask you, gentlemen, 528 00:44:01,171 --> 00:44:04,197 can this matter be resolved without bloodshed? 529 00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,943 Will either party be satisfied with an apology? 530 00:44:13,050 --> 00:44:16,611 Very well. If you would stand back to back... 531 00:44:18,756 --> 00:44:19,950 Like so. 532 00:44:24,828 --> 00:44:26,989 Each take ten paces. 533 00:44:27,998 --> 00:44:32,765 At the end of ten paces, turn and fire at will. 534 00:44:34,705 --> 00:44:35,797 One. 535 00:44:37,007 --> 00:44:38,304 Two. 536 00:44:40,044 --> 00:44:41,534 Three. 537 00:44:42,780 --> 00:44:44,179 Four. 538 00:44:45,115 --> 00:44:46,480 Five. 539 00:44:47,317 --> 00:44:49,012 Six. 540 00:44:50,254 --> 00:44:51,744 Seven. 541 00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:54,180 Eight. 542 00:44:55,426 --> 00:44:56,791 Nine. 543 00:44:58,962 --> 00:45:00,361 Ten. 544 00:45:06,070 --> 00:45:08,868 Wait! Wait! Don't shoot! 545 00:45:14,011 --> 00:45:16,036 Gentlemen, drop these guns. 546 00:45:16,146 --> 00:45:19,980 You have nothing to fight about. It's a hoax. Read this. 547 00:45:24,121 --> 00:45:28,023 I had intended to celebrate your demise with this, Colonel Schmidt. 548 00:45:29,593 --> 00:45:33,893 Instead, let us drink to Germany. 549 00:45:34,798 --> 00:45:36,265 To Germany. 550 00:45:36,366 --> 00:45:39,096 May she triumph over her enemies. 551 00:45:43,240 --> 00:45:45,640 You may think we're right back where we started, 552 00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:49,804 but the crucial thing is, it was a jolly good effort. 553 00:46:01,859 --> 00:46:03,417 What's up? This better be good. 554 00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:05,518 I cannot talk to you here. 555 00:46:06,063 --> 00:46:09,396 Go back to headquarters, Cunningham will fill you in. 556 00:46:19,777 --> 00:46:23,110 Marcello said you wanted to see me. It was urgent. 557 00:46:24,948 --> 00:46:26,438 - Good news. - Yes. 558 00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:28,313 - Good news. - What is it? 559 00:46:28,418 --> 00:46:31,751 We sent such a glowing report of your performance 560 00:46:31,855 --> 00:46:34,221 here to French intelligence headquarters, 561 00:46:34,324 --> 00:46:36,554 you've been reassigned. 562 00:46:36,660 --> 00:46:38,628 - Reassigned? - A prize mission, I'd say. 563 00:46:38,729 --> 00:46:41,994 - Working with one of France's most... - Unique? 564 00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:46,559 ...unique intelligence officers. - Yes, unique is the word. Unique. 565 00:46:46,670 --> 00:46:48,968 - Well, who? - Colonel Clouseau. 566 00:46:49,072 --> 00:46:50,164 Colonel Clouseau? 567 00:46:50,274 --> 00:46:51,741 Oh, yes, you'll learn a great deal from him. 568 00:46:51,842 --> 00:46:52,809 I think, I think. 569 00:46:52,910 --> 00:46:54,309 Yes, it'll be a once in a lifetime experience. 570 00:46:54,411 --> 00:46:56,572 I imagine. I Imagine. But you must hurry. 571 00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,241 You have to be in Amsterdam by Tuesday evening to meet your contact. 572 00:47:00,350 --> 00:47:03,046 - Who? What? When? - Berenstraat Square. 573 00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:06,884 Light a match and a blind man will tell you how to meet Colonel Clouseau. 574 00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:07,979 Goodbye. 575 00:47:44,094 --> 00:47:45,755 Well? 576 00:47:47,130 --> 00:47:50,065 I hear the price of cabbage is high this year. 577 00:47:50,167 --> 00:47:55,161 Not as high as the price of beets. Beets are outrageous. 578 00:47:55,272 --> 00:47:59,766 On the other hand, carrots are a dime a dozen. 579 00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:02,209 I'd stock up on them if I were you. 580 00:48:02,312 --> 00:48:03,836 About time. 581 00:48:03,947 --> 00:48:06,381 I've been lighting matches out here for two hours. Haven't you seen me? 582 00:48:06,483 --> 00:48:09,646 Of course not. I'm blind, you idiot. 583 00:48:09,753 --> 00:48:13,154 Right. It's Prague. 584 00:48:13,290 --> 00:48:15,190 Deep enemy territory, huh? 585 00:48:15,292 --> 00:48:18,159 Now then, here are your papers and your train tickets. 586 00:48:18,262 --> 00:48:19,229 Right. 587 00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:21,263 You'll take tomorrow morning's Prague Express. 588 00:48:21,365 --> 00:48:26,496 You'll go to apartment 7P, 150 Vlasska Street. 589 00:48:26,603 --> 00:48:28,594 - Right. Right. - You'll wait for a phone call 590 00:48:28,705 --> 00:48:32,573 that will come on the 8th at precisely 1200 Hours. 591 00:48:37,981 --> 00:48:39,448 That's all? 592 00:48:39,549 --> 00:48:43,576 I just wait three days in an apartment for a phone call? 593 00:48:43,687 --> 00:48:47,453 Do as you're told. But don't be conspicuous. 594 00:48:47,557 --> 00:48:49,582 This call is of vital importance. 595 00:48:49,693 --> 00:48:52,389 The entire outcome of the war could depend on it. 596 00:48:52,496 --> 00:48:55,761 And remember, they'll only call once. 597 00:48:55,866 --> 00:48:57,527 - Okay, okay, okay. - Here's your disguise. 598 00:48:57,634 --> 00:49:00,068 So, what am I this time? 599 00:49:01,171 --> 00:49:03,867 You'll be traveling in ladies underwear. 600 00:49:03,974 --> 00:49:05,441 What? No, I won't. I'm not going to... 601 00:49:05,542 --> 00:49:08,136 As a salesman of ladies underwear. 602 00:49:08,245 --> 00:49:11,146 - Right. Right. - Now, here are your samples. 603 00:49:11,248 --> 00:49:16,015 Now, under no circumstances must you call any attention to yourself. 604 00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:17,609 Right. 605 00:49:20,123 --> 00:49:25,151 Your name is Amadeus Schubelgruber. 606 00:49:26,363 --> 00:49:30,857 Amadeus Schubelgruber? Who makes up these things? 607 00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:32,765 I do. 608 00:49:54,958 --> 00:49:57,688 No, I've got a train to catch. 609 00:50:02,766 --> 00:50:04,097 No, put those back there. 610 00:50:04,201 --> 00:50:05,566 Let go. No! 611 00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:14,003 No, it doesn't go with your eyes. 612 00:50:14,111 --> 00:50:15,874 Give it back! 613 00:50:22,853 --> 00:50:24,445 Pardon. Pardon. 614 00:50:52,115 --> 00:50:55,983 So, how is the ladies underwear business? 615 00:51:37,627 --> 00:51:38,821 Cabbage. 616 00:51:40,130 --> 00:51:41,324 Cabbage. 617 00:51:43,900 --> 00:51:45,697 Aren't you Clouseau? 618 00:51:45,802 --> 00:51:47,599 How do you know I'm Clouseau? 619 00:51:47,771 --> 00:51:49,705 - Cabbage. - You have the stinking cabbage. 620 00:51:49,806 --> 00:51:51,933 Well, it's a code word. You're supposed to say "beets." 621 00:51:52,042 --> 00:51:53,270 Beets? 622 00:51:53,376 --> 00:51:54,707 - Cabbage. - Beets? 623 00:51:54,811 --> 00:51:55,835 - Cabbage. - Beets? 624 00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:56,913 - Cabbage. - Beets? 625 00:51:57,013 --> 00:51:58,002 - Cabbage. - Beets. Ah, yes! 626 00:51:58,115 --> 00:51:59,605 Yes, yes, of course, I forget. 627 00:51:59,716 --> 00:52:01,411 But you must not talk to me. 628 00:52:01,518 --> 00:52:02,985 It is too dangerous. 629 00:52:05,822 --> 00:52:09,383 Here is the key to the appartement. 630 00:52:09,726 --> 00:52:12,820 You must only contact me when there is a problem. 631 00:52:12,929 --> 00:52:14,556 I thought we were supposed to work together. 632 00:52:14,664 --> 00:52:18,361 Only if you are in trouble, and only if you are in serious trouble. 633 00:52:18,468 --> 00:52:21,266 You understand? Now, go. 634 00:53:14,124 --> 00:53:16,354 No phone? 635 00:53:22,132 --> 00:53:24,430 Where's the phone? Where's the phone? 636 00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:33,233 Excuse me, ma'am. Where's my phone? 637 00:53:33,343 --> 00:53:34,605 The phone is not there. 638 00:53:34,711 --> 00:53:36,702 I know it's not there. Where has it gone? 639 00:53:36,813 --> 00:53:40,180 - Gone. Taken by the authorities. - Why? 640 00:53:40,283 --> 00:53:42,183 The authorities do not say why they do these things. 641 00:53:42,285 --> 00:53:43,650 But I must have a telephone. 642 00:53:43,753 --> 00:53:45,914 I'm expecting a very important call in two days. 643 00:53:46,022 --> 00:53:49,719 If you want to know more, you should go to the Ministry of Telephones. 644 00:53:49,826 --> 00:53:52,021 Ministry of Telephones? 645 00:53:53,363 --> 00:53:55,524 Right. Thank you. 646 00:54:00,003 --> 00:54:01,664 Colonel Clouseau, we have a problem. 647 00:54:01,771 --> 00:54:03,238 - Beets. - What? 648 00:54:03,340 --> 00:54:04,466 "Beets," the code word. 649 00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:05,768 - Cabbage. - Beets. 650 00:54:05,875 --> 00:54:07,467 Okay, look, there's no telephone in the apartment. 651 00:54:07,577 --> 00:54:09,738 - But that is not right. - You're right that's not right. It's wrong. 652 00:54:09,846 --> 00:54:11,507 How can I get the call if there's no telephone? 653 00:54:11,615 --> 00:54:13,947 Then you must go to the Ministry of Telephones 654 00:54:14,050 --> 00:54:15,483 and get yourself a telephone. 655 00:54:15,585 --> 00:54:17,109 - What? - I said, you must go to the... 656 00:54:17,220 --> 00:54:19,279 I know. I know. Fine. 657 00:54:25,695 --> 00:54:27,458 - Hello. - Yes? 658 00:54:27,564 --> 00:54:29,361 I need a telephone. 659 00:54:29,466 --> 00:54:30,933 Ah, Installations. 660 00:54:31,034 --> 00:54:33,628 - First floor, first on the right. - Right. Thank you. 661 00:54:33,737 --> 00:54:36,297 - Just one moment, sir. - Yes? 662 00:54:36,940 --> 00:54:40,467 - You must have the form. - Right. Right. Thank you. 663 00:54:43,013 --> 00:54:45,174 What kind of phone do you want? 664 00:54:45,282 --> 00:54:47,944 Just like the one they took out, I guess. 665 00:54:48,051 --> 00:54:52,283 - They took your phone out? - Yes, ma'am. Someone from here. 666 00:54:52,389 --> 00:54:54,789 We only deal with new installations here. 667 00:54:54,891 --> 00:54:58,884 If you already have a phone, then you must go to Reconnections. 668 00:54:58,995 --> 00:55:00,553 Well, you see, I don't actually have a phone... 669 00:55:00,664 --> 00:55:03,656 Second floor, second on the right. 670 00:55:06,069 --> 00:55:08,469 Right. Thank you. 671 00:55:08,571 --> 00:55:10,163 Your form. 672 00:55:11,374 --> 00:55:13,433 It must never be forgotten. 673 00:55:16,012 --> 00:55:18,708 So, what kind of a phone do you have? 674 00:55:18,815 --> 00:55:21,113 I don't have any kind of a telephone. 675 00:55:21,217 --> 00:55:25,153 I told you, someone from the Ministry came along and took it. 676 00:55:25,255 --> 00:55:28,918 Well, there's... Well, there's nothing for us to reconnect then, is there? 677 00:55:29,025 --> 00:55:30,492 But the woman from New Installations said... 678 00:55:30,593 --> 00:55:33,061 Look, how... 679 00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:35,654 How can we reconnect you 680 00:55:36,433 --> 00:55:38,993 if you don't have a phone? 681 00:55:39,703 --> 00:55:46,370 It's impossible. I mean, if someone has removed your telephone, 682 00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:52,611 the people for you to see are Phone Removals. 683 00:55:54,718 --> 00:55:56,117 Stands to reason, doesn't it? 684 00:55:56,219 --> 00:55:58,847 And where are Phone Removals? 685 00:55:58,955 --> 00:56:02,015 Third floor, third on the right. 686 00:56:02,125 --> 00:56:04,150 Thank you. 687 00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:08,262 Oh, by the way, don't forget your form. 688 00:56:14,170 --> 00:56:17,367 If the Removals Department had removed your phone, sir, 689 00:56:17,474 --> 00:56:18,941 there would be a form accordingly. 690 00:56:19,042 --> 00:56:23,001 And as you can see, there isn't one, 691 00:56:23,113 --> 00:56:24,307 so we can't have removed it. 692 00:56:24,414 --> 00:56:26,348 Naturally, therefore, we can't replace it. 693 00:56:26,449 --> 00:56:30,215 Perhaps someone removed it but didn't fill out a form. 694 00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:33,187 - In other words, a theft. - Oh, no, no, no, not necessarily. 695 00:56:33,289 --> 00:56:37,453 Oh, quite clearly a theft, which solves your problem. 696 00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:41,826 If your phone has been stolen, then we can replace it immediately. 697 00:56:43,099 --> 00:56:45,659 Really? That's great. It was a theft. 698 00:56:45,835 --> 00:56:50,329 Now, all you have to do is to take this form down to police headquarters, 699 00:56:50,440 --> 00:56:53,375 and report the theft and get them to stamp it there. 700 00:56:53,476 --> 00:56:55,876 Then take it to the Ministry of Insurance, 701 00:56:56,012 --> 00:56:58,378 make a claim for compensation for the goods stolen, 702 00:56:58,481 --> 00:56:59,743 and get them to stamp it there. 703 00:56:59,849 --> 00:57:01,646 Then you finally bring it back here, 704 00:57:01,751 --> 00:57:04,379 I stamp it to show that it's been duly authorized, 705 00:57:04,487 --> 00:57:06,045 then you take it to the Reconnections, 706 00:57:06,156 --> 00:57:07,680 Reconnections takes it to Installations, 707 00:57:07,791 --> 00:57:09,452 the man at the front desk can take it to the Works, 708 00:57:09,559 --> 00:57:12,289 and before you can say "snap," you have a new phone. 709 00:57:12,395 --> 00:57:14,363 - What could be simpler? - I can't imagine. 710 00:57:14,464 --> 00:57:18,093 But the crucial thing is, don't lose that form. 711 00:57:18,802 --> 00:57:21,066 Because if you do, we can't give you another. 712 00:57:21,171 --> 00:57:22,331 Do you understand? 713 00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:25,374 Absolutely. Excuse me, sir. 714 00:58:43,486 --> 00:58:44,953 No! No! 715 00:58:48,491 --> 00:58:49,480 No! 716 00:58:52,028 --> 00:58:53,928 No! No! 717 00:59:25,929 --> 00:59:27,260 Excuse me. 718 01:00:29,592 --> 01:00:32,789 Excuse me, sir. Pardon. I need to get off, please. 719 01:00:57,420 --> 01:00:59,445 I'm in trouble. They want me to go to the Ministry of Police. 720 01:00:59,555 --> 01:01:01,887 The police? That is dangerous. 721 01:01:01,991 --> 01:01:03,856 I know. 722 01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:07,088 We are in the heart of enemy territory. 723 01:01:07,196 --> 01:01:10,825 The police must not find out that you are a spy, 724 01:01:10,933 --> 01:01:13,925 otherwise they will shoot you. 725 01:01:14,037 --> 01:01:15,868 What should I do? 726 01:01:18,307 --> 01:01:22,209 You must go to the police. You must get that telephone. 727 01:01:22,311 --> 01:01:26,975 And then you must check back here with me at 1800 hours. 728 01:01:47,704 --> 01:01:51,196 Hi. I would like to report a stolen telephone, 729 01:01:51,307 --> 01:01:53,138 and I'd also like to get a stamp right here, 730 01:01:53,242 --> 01:01:55,403 so I can go to the Ministry of Insurance and make a claim. 731 01:01:55,511 --> 01:01:57,706 Certainly, sir. If you'd just like to fill out this form, 732 01:01:57,814 --> 01:02:00,146 - and we'll see to it immediately. - Thank you. 733 01:02:03,519 --> 01:02:05,180 - All of it? - Oh, yes. 734 01:02:05,288 --> 01:02:07,449 Can't leave anything out, can we? 735 01:02:35,885 --> 01:02:39,651 That's perfectly in order, sir. Only you've written it in Czech. 736 01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:40,916 Of course I wrote it in Czech. 737 01:02:41,023 --> 01:02:43,457 As part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire, 738 01:02:43,559 --> 01:02:46,926 all forms must, of course, be completed in German. 739 01:02:47,130 --> 01:02:48,097 German? 740 01:02:48,231 --> 01:02:50,722 Never mind, sir. I have another one here. 741 01:02:50,833 --> 01:02:52,698 Won't take you long. 742 01:03:17,426 --> 01:03:19,291 Very well, Herr Schubelgruber. 743 01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:21,794 You can go with the constables now. 744 01:03:29,438 --> 01:03:31,804 If you will just sit down there, sir. 745 01:03:32,909 --> 01:03:35,434 We will call you shortly. 746 01:04:02,572 --> 01:04:04,472 - Amadeus Schubelgruber? - Yes. 747 01:04:04,574 --> 01:04:06,508 Ah, there you are. 748 01:04:08,978 --> 01:04:10,240 Come in. 749 01:04:20,923 --> 01:04:24,359 - Well, you realize this is very serious. - What is serious? 750 01:04:24,460 --> 01:04:27,623 Come on, now. Don't play games with us. 751 01:04:27,730 --> 01:04:30,028 You know exactly what we're talking about. 752 01:04:30,132 --> 01:04:31,565 Well, no, I don't. 753 01:04:31,667 --> 01:04:34,227 I came here to report the theft of a telephone. 754 01:04:34,337 --> 01:04:37,170 - That's what they all say. - At first. 755 01:04:47,149 --> 01:04:49,344 Now come along, Herr Schubelgruber. 756 01:04:49,452 --> 01:04:53,650 It will go easier with you if you make a full confession immediately. 757 01:04:54,390 --> 01:04:56,290 A confession to what? 758 01:04:59,095 --> 01:05:04,431 What would you like to start with? We have plenty of time, you know. 759 01:05:04,934 --> 01:05:06,834 But I haven't done anything. 760 01:05:06,936 --> 01:05:08,927 That's a good one. He hasn't done anything. 761 01:05:09,038 --> 01:05:11,768 He said he hasn't done anything. 762 01:05:12,141 --> 01:05:16,134 Stop wasting our time, Schubelgruber. Make a full confession. 763 01:05:16,245 --> 01:05:19,112 It's all prepared for you. Just sign it. 764 01:05:19,215 --> 01:05:21,649 This is your last chance. 765 01:05:25,888 --> 01:05:27,412 But I have nothing to confess to. 766 01:05:27,523 --> 01:05:29,855 I came here to get a form stamped for the Ministry of Phones. 767 01:05:29,959 --> 01:05:31,824 That's the whole story. 768 01:05:38,367 --> 01:05:41,165 Very well. That's that. 769 01:05:41,904 --> 01:05:42,962 Next. 770 01:05:44,073 --> 01:05:46,769 What's going on? What's... 771 01:05:52,982 --> 01:05:56,782 Case Number 435. Amadeus Schubelgruber. 772 01:05:56,886 --> 01:06:00,686 How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? 773 01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:03,987 I don't. I just came here to report a missing telephone. 774 01:06:04,093 --> 01:06:08,462 You mean you're telling us you're neither guilty nor not guilty? 775 01:06:08,564 --> 01:06:10,532 I'm trying to tell that I'm innocent. 776 01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:14,296 No one is innocent, Herr Schubelgruber. 777 01:06:14,403 --> 01:06:17,304 We are all guilty of something, are we not? 778 01:06:17,406 --> 01:06:18,896 That may be possible, 779 01:06:19,008 --> 01:06:21,067 but it doesn't mean that everyone ends up in court because of it. 780 01:06:21,177 --> 01:06:25,011 More the pity. The world would be a better place if you did. 781 01:06:25,414 --> 01:06:28,383 Now, how do you plead? 782 01:06:28,484 --> 01:06:32,215 Well, how can I plead, if I don't know what I'm accused of? 783 01:06:33,222 --> 01:06:35,315 You are accused, Schubelgruber, 784 01:06:35,424 --> 01:06:38,587 of infringing Article 114 of the Criminal Code. 785 01:06:38,694 --> 01:06:41,993 With which, of course, all loyal citizens of the Austro-Hungarian Empire 786 01:06:42,098 --> 01:06:44,259 are perfectly familiar. 787 01:06:47,136 --> 01:06:48,501 Yeah, yeah, sure. 788 01:06:48,604 --> 01:06:51,095 Your plea is therefore... 789 01:06:53,609 --> 01:06:56,635 Well... Well, not guilty, but... 790 01:06:56,746 --> 01:06:59,681 You have shown utter contempt for processes of law and justice, 791 01:06:59,782 --> 01:07:02,148 which have taken 2,000 years to develop. 792 01:07:02,251 --> 01:07:05,584 You should be ashamed to raise your head in public. 793 01:07:08,524 --> 01:07:10,492 For trying to fill in a form? 794 01:07:10,593 --> 01:07:15,587 It's men like you, Schubelgruber, who let loose anarchy in the land, 795 01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:20,135 who gnaw away at the obedience and faith which glues society together. 796 01:07:21,804 --> 01:07:23,465 If your kind triumphed, 797 01:07:23,572 --> 01:07:26,735 our entire civilization would blow like dust 798 01:07:26,842 --> 01:07:31,176 into the cold, bleak wastelands of universal chaos! 799 01:07:33,682 --> 01:07:35,172 Well, where's the evidence? 800 01:07:35,284 --> 01:07:40,119 I think we have all the evidence we need here, Schubelgruber, 801 01:07:41,957 --> 01:07:43,982 in your own hand. 802 01:07:47,463 --> 01:07:50,261 Okay, look, the real reason that I came here... 803 01:07:50,366 --> 01:07:51,924 Guilty. 804 01:07:53,803 --> 01:07:56,328 - What? - Guilty as charged. 805 01:07:56,439 --> 01:07:57,963 Wait. Wait. No, no, wait a minute. 806 01:07:58,074 --> 01:08:00,702 The only reason that I'm here is to report my telephone is missing. 807 01:08:00,810 --> 01:08:03,244 That's... I didn't do anything wrong. 808 01:08:03,345 --> 01:08:05,074 Listen to me. You can't do this to me. 809 01:08:05,181 --> 01:08:08,150 I'm innocent. I've never done anything... 810 01:08:11,520 --> 01:08:14,489 Hello? You're not listening... 811 01:08:14,590 --> 01:08:16,421 Hey! 812 01:09:16,852 --> 01:09:19,980 I'm not guilty! Guard, let me out! 813 01:09:20,956 --> 01:09:22,787 Guard! 814 01:09:24,627 --> 01:09:26,857 Look, you gotta get me out of here. 815 01:09:26,962 --> 01:09:30,090 This has all just been a terrible mistake. Everything's just been a big error. 816 01:09:30,199 --> 01:09:33,600 You are claiming you are here as a result of an error? 817 01:09:33,769 --> 01:09:35,031 Well... 818 01:09:35,271 --> 01:09:38,434 Yes. Yes, that's it. That's exactly what I'm claiming. 819 01:09:38,541 --> 01:09:41,237 - Oh. - Wait. No! 820 01:09:49,785 --> 01:09:52,447 You have to fill in one of these. 821 01:09:53,789 --> 01:09:55,723 There's a form for this? 822 01:09:55,824 --> 01:09:58,258 Of course, there is a form for everything. 823 01:09:58,360 --> 01:10:00,658 Here is the pencil. 824 01:10:00,763 --> 01:10:02,390 Thanks. 825 01:10:21,350 --> 01:10:23,875 - Come with me. - Where are we going? 826 01:10:23,986 --> 01:10:26,955 To the Department of Errors, naturally. 827 01:10:28,123 --> 01:10:34,062 Every single administrative error in the entire Austro-Hungarian Empire 828 01:10:34,163 --> 01:10:37,064 is documented here. 829 01:10:37,166 --> 01:10:43,036 It is a fine collection, is it not, Herr Schubelgruber? 830 01:10:43,138 --> 01:10:45,629 - It's awe inspiring. - Thank you. 831 01:10:45,741 --> 01:10:47,800 I just wanted to report a missing phone, 832 01:10:47,910 --> 01:10:49,673 so I could make a claim with the Ministry of Insurance. 833 01:10:49,778 --> 01:10:51,803 - And I was interrogated and tried... - Well, 834 01:10:51,914 --> 01:10:55,406 everything seems to be in order. 835 01:10:56,252 --> 01:10:57,913 You may go. 836 01:10:58,787 --> 01:11:00,687 - What? - Take this. 837 01:11:01,490 --> 01:11:06,223 The sergeant at the front desk will show you out. 838 01:11:07,429 --> 01:11:08,691 You don't mean this. 839 01:11:08,797 --> 01:11:12,255 Well, of course I mean it. It is my job to correct administrative errors, 840 01:11:12,368 --> 01:11:16,168 and you clearly have been the victim of one. Goodbye. 841 01:11:16,872 --> 01:11:18,339 This is incredible. 842 01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:28,846 It says... Well, he says that I could go. 843 01:11:28,951 --> 01:11:30,885 That's right, sir. 844 01:11:32,121 --> 01:11:33,782 Through there. 845 01:11:41,964 --> 01:11:44,933 Sir, do you think that... 846 01:11:45,901 --> 01:11:49,268 If it's no trouble, that... Could I get... 847 01:11:49,371 --> 01:11:52,101 - Stamp it? - Yeah. 848 01:11:52,675 --> 01:11:54,506 Certainly, sir. 849 01:11:56,312 --> 01:11:57,836 Thank you, sir. 850 01:12:10,225 --> 01:12:12,489 Where have you been? 851 01:12:12,594 --> 01:12:14,721 Have you got the telephone? 852 01:12:14,830 --> 01:12:16,695 You are a day late. 853 01:12:16,799 --> 01:12:20,098 Do not you realize how important this assignment is? 854 01:12:20,202 --> 01:12:23,228 I thought that something terrible had happened to you. 855 01:12:23,339 --> 01:12:26,672 Well, what do you have to say for yourself? 856 01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:30,069 - Nothing. - Nothing? 857 01:12:30,179 --> 01:12:32,204 - You see this? - Of course I see this. 858 01:12:32,314 --> 01:12:35,078 And this stamp? And this stamp? 859 01:12:35,184 --> 01:12:38,051 All I need is the stamps from the Ministry of Insurance, 860 01:12:38,153 --> 01:12:39,518 and I have my telephone. 861 01:12:39,621 --> 01:12:42,351 You have only 20 hours left. 862 01:12:42,458 --> 01:12:47,953 The fate of the civilized world depends upon your receiving this telephone call. 863 01:12:48,063 --> 01:12:51,829 The fate of the civilized world is in good hands. 864 01:13:14,523 --> 01:13:18,289 All I need is a stamp right here from the Ministry of Insurance 865 01:13:18,394 --> 01:13:20,658 showing that I've made a claim. Can you help me? 866 01:13:20,763 --> 01:13:22,390 You need to fill in the form first. 867 01:13:22,498 --> 01:13:23,760 Right, of course, I'll need to fill in the form. 868 01:13:23,866 --> 01:13:26,334 - The number of the form is 27 A. - Okay. 869 01:13:26,435 --> 01:13:28,494 - Go to the last desk on the right. - Last desk. 870 01:13:28,604 --> 01:13:31,937 Is there a form 27 A? No. 871 01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:34,873 27 A? No, you don't. 872 01:13:34,977 --> 01:13:37,377 27 A? No? 873 01:13:37,479 --> 01:13:38,537 No? 874 01:13:41,283 --> 01:13:43,717 I've already been here. 875 01:13:47,322 --> 01:13:48,550 What? 876 01:13:48,657 --> 01:13:52,525 - Upstairs. The first on the right. - Upstairs. 877 01:13:55,297 --> 01:13:58,733 I'm not leaving without form 27 A. 878 01:13:58,834 --> 01:14:02,497 I need form 27 A to get this form stamped. 879 01:14:02,604 --> 01:14:04,504 And I'm not leaving without it! 880 01:14:04,606 --> 01:14:07,131 I'm not! Not! Not! Not! 881 01:14:10,579 --> 01:14:13,946 - They said you want form 27 A. - Yes, that's what they told me. 882 01:14:14,049 --> 01:14:15,880 I went to four different desks in four offices, 883 01:14:15,984 --> 01:14:18,578 and everyone said someone else had it. 884 01:14:19,221 --> 01:14:20,882 Well, nobody has it. 885 01:14:20,989 --> 01:14:24,015 Form 27 A has been superseded by form 27B. 886 01:14:24,593 --> 01:14:27,153 - What? - I thought everybody knew that. 887 01:14:27,830 --> 01:14:29,764 This is absolutely ridiculous. 888 01:14:29,865 --> 01:14:31,890 All I want is a new phone. 889 01:14:32,000 --> 01:14:35,094 I went to the Ministry of Phones and my form blew out the window. 890 01:14:35,204 --> 01:14:37,638 And then I went out on the ledge and a pigeon knocked it into the street. 891 01:14:37,739 --> 01:14:40,401 And then a man stepped on it, and then I had to chase after a tram, 892 01:14:40,509 --> 01:14:42,272 and then a woman hit me with her handbag! 893 01:14:42,377 --> 01:14:43,503 And so I went to the police. 894 01:14:43,612 --> 01:14:46,547 They made me fill it out in German, and then they gave me the third degree, 895 01:14:46,648 --> 01:14:48,639 and then they put me in jail! 896 01:14:48,750 --> 01:14:51,116 What you're trying to say is you're upset. 897 01:14:51,220 --> 01:14:53,313 No, no, I'm not upset. 898 01:14:53,422 --> 01:14:56,255 I'm incandescent with rage! 899 01:15:00,295 --> 01:15:02,320 What if I took your telephone, huh? 900 01:15:02,431 --> 01:15:03,762 What if I steal your telephone? 901 01:15:03,866 --> 01:15:05,731 Then you'd have to go through everything that I've gone through 902 01:15:05,834 --> 01:15:08,496 to get it back, and you'd go insane! 903 01:15:11,373 --> 01:15:14,399 The thing is, you're also in the wrong office. 904 01:15:14,510 --> 01:15:17,206 I investigate industrial accidents. 905 01:15:21,550 --> 01:15:25,077 But to be honest with you, I feel like a break. 906 01:15:26,421 --> 01:15:30,323 Shall I come round with you and see if we can track this thing down together? 907 01:15:31,860 --> 01:15:34,488 - You mean, you'd help me? - Why not? 908 01:15:36,331 --> 01:15:39,664 Yeah. Yeah, that would be great. 909 01:15:40,102 --> 01:15:43,094 My name is Kafka. Franz Kafka. 910 01:15:43,205 --> 01:15:46,333 Indiana... Amadeus Schubelgruber. 911 01:15:47,910 --> 01:15:50,401 This way, Mr. Schubelgruber. 912 01:15:51,613 --> 01:15:56,073 Form 27B is a little hard to get hold of because they didn't print enough. 913 01:15:56,184 --> 01:15:59,278 In fact, there's only one person in the entire building with a supply of them, 914 01:15:59,388 --> 01:16:02,687 and he's a little, how shall I say it, anonymous. 915 01:16:02,791 --> 01:16:06,750 - What do you mean, anonymous? - Well, he works in here. 916 01:16:07,696 --> 01:16:09,425 It's all right, though. I think I can track him down. 917 01:16:09,531 --> 01:16:10,759 Excuse me. 918 01:16:12,768 --> 01:16:14,167 Excuse me. 919 01:16:14,269 --> 01:16:15,998 Hello. 920 01:16:16,104 --> 01:16:18,334 He's usually at this desk... 921 01:16:19,374 --> 01:16:22,036 Must be further back. Strange, isn't it? 922 01:16:22,144 --> 01:16:26,240 The higher up one gets, the more anonymous it all seems to become. 923 01:16:27,282 --> 01:16:29,113 Well, this must... 924 01:16:30,986 --> 01:16:33,887 Could you tell me where Anton is? 925 01:16:35,524 --> 01:16:38,493 Excuse me, where is Anton Dvorak? 926 01:16:42,230 --> 01:16:45,461 - This is his desk! - But where is he? 927 01:16:46,201 --> 01:16:49,136 No, it's not here either. 928 01:16:49,972 --> 01:16:51,599 Forget it, George. 929 01:16:54,910 --> 01:16:56,036 Franz! 930 01:16:59,781 --> 01:17:01,806 Thank you, George. 931 01:17:03,251 --> 01:17:06,049 Franz, how nice it is to see you. 932 01:17:06,154 --> 01:17:10,083 - How good of you to drop by. - It's nice to see you, too, Anton. 933 01:17:10,192 --> 01:17:13,821 I am helping a friend, Herr Amadeus Schubelgruber, here. 934 01:17:14,963 --> 01:17:16,931 He needs form 27B. 935 01:17:17,766 --> 01:17:20,098 Well, you have come to the right place, 936 01:17:20,202 --> 01:17:25,071 because I have all the form 27Bs in the entire ministry 937 01:17:25,173 --> 01:17:26,265 right here. 938 01:17:26,375 --> 01:17:29,640 You do. Thank you. Thank you, so much. 939 01:17:29,745 --> 01:17:33,374 Well, actually, I can't give you one. 940 01:17:35,817 --> 01:17:37,114 I lost the key. 941 01:17:37,219 --> 01:17:40,780 It's been several days now. I have no idea where it is. 942 01:17:43,925 --> 01:17:45,790 Never mind, Anton. 943 01:17:45,894 --> 01:17:48,488 Just get the janitor to bring you a new key. 944 01:17:48,597 --> 01:17:51,259 That's an ideal solution. 945 01:17:51,366 --> 01:17:56,167 But in order for the janitor to come, he must have form 103C, 946 01:17:56,271 --> 01:17:59,729 and form 103C is in the same cabinet. 947 01:18:00,776 --> 01:18:04,644 - I don't believe this. - It is a little unexpected. 948 01:18:04,846 --> 01:18:07,314 On the other hand, we're not going to be defeated by bureaucracy, 949 01:18:07,416 --> 01:18:09,611 are we, Herr Schubelgruber? 950 01:18:09,718 --> 01:18:12,448 If the janitor won't come to the filing cabinet, 951 01:18:16,625 --> 01:18:19,093 we must take the filing cabinet to the janitor. 952 01:18:19,194 --> 01:18:20,821 Right, Anton? 953 01:18:20,929 --> 01:18:23,625 Certainly. Why not? 954 01:18:23,732 --> 01:18:25,324 Gentlemen. 955 01:18:30,405 --> 01:18:32,703 Where is the janitor? 956 01:18:32,841 --> 01:18:34,536 In the basement. 957 01:18:51,393 --> 01:18:53,953 How are we going to get it down the steps? 958 01:18:54,062 --> 01:18:56,087 We can use this hoist. 959 01:18:57,632 --> 01:18:58,963 Excellent. 960 01:18:59,067 --> 01:19:02,036 We'll tie this rope to it and lower it down. 961 01:19:07,843 --> 01:19:10,403 Okay, I'll hold the rope, you push it off the steps on three. 962 01:19:10,512 --> 01:19:12,377 - Good idea. - One. 963 01:19:12,481 --> 01:19:13,573 Two. 964 01:19:13,682 --> 01:19:14,740 Three. 965 01:19:18,186 --> 01:19:19,813 No! 966 01:19:25,894 --> 01:19:28,954 I got it. I got it. 967 01:19:29,064 --> 01:19:31,328 It's okay. Got it. 968 01:19:31,700 --> 01:19:32,997 It's okay. 969 01:20:01,496 --> 01:20:02,588 Help! 970 01:20:14,676 --> 01:20:16,644 Don't move. Don't move. Don't move. 971 01:20:16,745 --> 01:20:18,713 Just get up very slowly. 972 01:20:24,820 --> 01:20:27,118 No, no, no, no. No! 973 01:20:55,750 --> 01:20:56,978 Form 27B. 974 01:21:02,324 --> 01:21:04,918 Herr Schubelgruber, your problems are over. 975 01:21:05,026 --> 01:21:08,223 Mr. Kafka, I'll never forget this. 976 01:21:08,330 --> 01:21:11,561 Oh, you can even make bureaucracy interesting, 977 01:21:11,666 --> 01:21:14,032 if you have a little imagination. 978 01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:16,068 Thank you. 979 01:21:22,577 --> 01:21:24,044 What a trial. 980 01:21:46,434 --> 01:21:47,594 So, how long will this take? 981 01:21:47,702 --> 01:21:50,500 The installation team will be with you the first thing in the morning. 982 01:21:50,605 --> 01:21:52,971 That is the 8th, at 9:00 am. 983 01:21:53,108 --> 01:21:54,473 Well, is that definitely? 984 01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:57,238 Because I'm expecting a very important phone call at 1200 hours. 985 01:21:57,345 --> 01:21:59,006 The phone really has to be working by then. 986 01:21:59,114 --> 01:22:03,551 Look, all the paperwork's been completed, everything is in order. 987 01:22:03,652 --> 01:22:07,611 I guarantee the phone will be installed by 9:15. 988 01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:11,183 9:15? 989 01:22:11,293 --> 01:22:14,353 But you'll only have a couple of hours to spare. 990 01:22:14,462 --> 01:22:18,455 Don't you think that you are cutting it a little fine? 991 01:22:18,566 --> 01:22:19,828 Well, if I were in charge of this operation, 992 01:22:19,935 --> 01:22:23,530 I'd have made sure I rented an apartment with a phone in it. 993 01:22:23,638 --> 01:22:24,832 All I can say is, 994 01:22:24,940 --> 01:22:28,808 if that telephone is not installed in the apartment first thing in the morning, 995 01:22:28,910 --> 01:22:31,777 I will have you shot as a traitor. 996 01:22:32,047 --> 01:22:33,378 It will be. 997 01:22:56,604 --> 01:22:59,596 Telephone for Adolph Schubelgruber. 998 01:23:00,342 --> 01:23:01,570 Clouseau? 999 01:23:02,277 --> 01:23:04,336 Clouseau, what are you doing here? 1000 01:23:04,446 --> 01:23:06,880 How do you know that I am Clouseau? 1001 01:23:09,584 --> 01:23:13,543 I came to make sure that the telephone was installed. 1002 01:23:14,289 --> 01:23:17,156 You don't trust me? What, do you think I'm incompetent? 1003 01:23:17,258 --> 01:23:19,385 I can't get a single telephone installed? 1004 01:23:19,494 --> 01:23:22,793 What do you think, I'm an imbecile, some kind of fool, an idiot? 1005 01:23:22,897 --> 01:23:23,886 Yes. 1006 01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:27,400 That telephone call is going to come through in one hour. 1007 01:23:27,502 --> 01:23:29,936 Now, where is the telephone? 1008 01:23:31,840 --> 01:23:33,808 - It's not here yet. - What? 1009 01:23:34,809 --> 01:23:37,676 - What? - They promised me that it'll be here... 1010 01:23:38,313 --> 01:23:40,144 That's it. I told you. 1011 01:23:41,383 --> 01:23:43,112 Hi. Hi. Am I glad to see you. 1012 01:23:43,218 --> 01:23:44,913 We're from the Ministry of Telephones 1013 01:23:45,020 --> 01:23:47,147 and we're here to install your instrument. 1014 01:23:47,255 --> 01:23:49,314 I know. I know. This is great. Come on in. 1015 01:23:49,424 --> 01:23:50,391 Lovely. 1016 01:23:50,492 --> 01:23:51,481 Where do you want it, sir? 1017 01:23:51,593 --> 01:23:54,255 - Oh, over here will be fine. - Very good. 1018 01:23:55,363 --> 01:23:57,729 Then we'll install it right here. 1019 01:23:59,401 --> 01:24:00,493 Okay. 1020 01:24:07,742 --> 01:24:10,208 That's great. That's wonderful. 1021 01:24:10,311 --> 01:24:13,576 Our pleasure, sir. Well, we'll be off now. 1022 01:24:14,482 --> 01:24:17,417 Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. 1023 01:24:18,386 --> 01:24:20,820 I guess you'll connect it up now, right? 1024 01:24:20,922 --> 01:24:22,082 Connect it up? 1025 01:24:22,190 --> 01:24:25,125 - To the wires you mean? - Well, yeah, to the wires. 1026 01:24:25,226 --> 01:24:28,787 We're telephone installers, Mr. Schubelgruber. 1027 01:24:28,897 --> 01:24:30,626 We wouldn't dream of connecting them. 1028 01:24:30,732 --> 01:24:34,099 - No. That's... Connections. That's right. - Connections. Naturally. 1029 01:24:34,202 --> 01:24:35,897 - That's an entirely different department. - Of course. 1030 01:24:36,004 --> 01:24:39,906 And when will Connections get here? 1031 01:24:40,008 --> 01:24:42,067 A couple of weeks from today, they'll be knocking on your door, 1032 01:24:42,177 --> 01:24:44,042 and your phone will be working in no time. 1033 01:24:44,145 --> 01:24:46,705 - A couple of weeks. - You can guarantee it. 1034 01:24:48,783 --> 01:24:50,944 They're not going to install the phone for a couple of weeks. 1035 01:24:51,052 --> 01:24:53,316 I heard that, you idiot. 1036 01:24:53,421 --> 01:24:55,651 Now, get me out of here. 1037 01:24:56,658 --> 01:24:58,523 The handle just broke. 1038 01:24:59,427 --> 01:25:00,985 What time is it? 1039 01:25:02,097 --> 01:25:03,792 Oh, my God, we've only got 20 minutes. 1040 01:25:03,898 --> 01:25:07,493 - Go and hook up the telephone. - Right. 1041 01:25:07,635 --> 01:25:13,835 Hook up the wire to the pole outside the window. 1042 01:25:19,514 --> 01:25:20,538 The wire is too short. 1043 01:25:20,648 --> 01:25:22,707 I'm gonna go to the store and buy an extension cable. 1044 01:25:22,817 --> 01:25:25,251 We do not have time for that. 1045 01:25:25,353 --> 01:25:26,684 Wait. Wait. 1046 01:25:27,255 --> 01:25:32,249 I think that I can see the telephone cable in here. 1047 01:25:33,128 --> 01:25:37,326 - All you have to do is to pull hard... - Right. 1048 01:25:37,432 --> 01:25:39,332 ...and make it reach. 1049 01:25:55,049 --> 01:25:56,846 Let go! 1050 01:26:07,662 --> 01:26:10,495 That wasn't the telephone cable. It was an electrical cable. 1051 01:26:10,598 --> 01:26:12,463 Just my little mistake. 1052 01:26:15,603 --> 01:26:17,969 Don't just stand there. 1053 01:26:18,072 --> 01:26:20,597 Find the telephone cable. 1054 01:26:23,478 --> 01:26:24,638 Okay, I've got it. 1055 01:26:24,746 --> 01:26:27,772 How much time do we have left? 1056 01:26:27,882 --> 01:26:29,008 Ten minutes. 1057 01:26:29,117 --> 01:26:34,384 Connect the telephone cable to the pole outside the window. 1058 01:26:52,507 --> 01:26:56,136 Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up! 1059 01:27:27,875 --> 01:27:30,139 For God's sake, hurry up. 1060 01:27:30,245 --> 01:27:32,543 I have to go wee-wee. 1061 01:27:52,767 --> 01:27:53,893 Hi. 1062 01:28:09,150 --> 01:28:10,276 Hurry! 1063 01:29:15,383 --> 01:29:18,614 Only three minutes left. 1064 01:30:11,806 --> 01:30:13,000 It's hooked up. It's working. 1065 01:30:13,107 --> 01:30:15,974 And not a moment too soon. 1066 01:30:16,077 --> 01:30:17,567 Now, get me out of here. 1067 01:30:55,416 --> 01:30:57,247 That's it. It's 12:00. 1068 01:30:58,352 --> 01:30:59,580 Where's the phone call? 1069 01:30:59,687 --> 01:31:01,678 Check the connection. 1070 01:31:34,121 --> 01:31:37,113 Answer the telephone. 1071 01:31:41,529 --> 01:31:43,497 Schubelgruber here. 1072 01:31:43,598 --> 01:31:45,532 Amadeus Schubelgruber? 1073 01:31:45,633 --> 01:31:46,622 Yes, yes, yes. 1074 01:31:46,734 --> 01:31:48,065 Hang on a minute. 1075 01:31:48,169 --> 01:31:49,295 I'm doing that. 1076 01:31:50,238 --> 01:31:55,198 You have to go to Berlin, 107 Friedrichstrasse. 1077 01:31:55,309 --> 01:31:56,401 Yes, and do what? 1078 01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:58,206 And arrange to have... 1079 01:31:58,312 --> 01:32:00,212 And arrange to have what? 1080 01:32:00,314 --> 01:32:02,248 A telephone installed. 1081 01:32:02,350 --> 01:32:03,339 What? 1082 01:32:03,451 --> 01:32:05,214 What could be easier? 1083 01:32:09,357 --> 01:32:11,723 Yeah, sure. What could be easier?82554

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