All language subtitles for The Neighbors s02e09 Bait.eng

All right, so all I need to do is

shove the chicken in the duck,
the duck in the turkey, and voil?...

Thanksgiving turducken.

That's an alarming amount
of animals to stick inside each other.

Can you put it all in a pig?

Honey, I'm home!

How you doin'?

So, I'm guessing there is a story here?

There certainly is, wacky neighbor.

We've been up all night,
watching a Nick at Nite marathon

of Thanksgiving sitcom episodes.

It made us want a live studio audience
for our very own.

Audience, huh?

I always wished, I had a song
that followed me around,

and played everytime
I walked into a room.

- My song would be...
- Stupid idea.

Wife, continue.

So, Nick at Nite marathon
taught us

that Thanksgiving is a special day

filled with troublemaking in-laws,
cooking mishaps,

and unpleasant surprises.

Which makes it a holiday
which nobody really wanted,

but in the end,
everyone really needed.

"American girl" by Tom Petty.
That would be my song.

Well, I hate
to disappoint you guys,

but I'm gonna go
out on a limb here,

and say there will be
no unpleasant surprises this Thanksgiving.

I agree. There's been
a lovely peace in the family.

Plus, I'm making
a foolproof meal.

It literally can't lose.

Oh, boy!
We know what comes next.

Whoa, what do you mean?
What co...

Cue the holiday surprise.

Whoo!

Who could that be?

Let's watch
and see what happens.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yes, I'm six hours early.
Now we've talked about that.

- Yeah, dad, a little early.
- Ahh.

- Hey, Dominick.
- Mwah!

Where's Theresa?

No idea.

After almost five miserable decades,
I ended it.

We're getting a divorce.
Grandpa's moving in.

Uh-oh!

I love holiday episodes.

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Okay, so, what did you say, dad?
You left mom?

Like a baby at a fire station.

Dominick, we're happy
to have you, so happy.

We love it.
But come on.

Why divorce Theresa?
We hate each other.

You've hated each other for 50 years.
You love to hate each other.

Hate is the glue that keeps
your marriage together.

- Grandpa, Grandpa!
- Happy Thanksgiving!

Hey, guys!

Where's Grandma?

I left her, kids. It's over.
She's horrible.

She'll be here at 2:00.

Oh, so she's still coming.

Even though
you're splitting up? Fun.

Of course she's coming.

We can't let that crotchety
old bag sit alone on Thanksgiving.

We're family.

Now, kids, I want you
to take me upstairs,

and show grandpa
whose bedroom he's taking.

- Say what now?
- What did you say?

- Let's go.
- You'd hate my bedroom!

- I still pee the bed!
- No, you don't!

I'm going to
as soon as I get up there.

- So, your father's not moving in here.
- Of course not.

Because fitting
that man in our house

is kind of like fitting this duck
into this turkey.

Don't worry.
Babe, he's not staying.

My mother
is a damaged person

who needs someone to scream at.

My father needs
a damaged person around,

so he can feel superior.

Believe me, there's no way
this breakup will last.

True.

If there's one thing we learned
from our holiday-episode research,

it's that things will always
go back to normal

at the end of the holiday.

Yes. They try to trick you
into thinking that they won't,

but they don't want to change
the premise of the show.

Well, this premise will change
if your father moves in,

'cause then I'm getting in the oven
with the poultry.

Dick, our audience
is in the garage.

Would you please entertain them
while I have a chat with dad?

Does no one respect
my knitting time?

Oh, husband, I do not enjoy
how the story has become

about the Mertzes over there.

We are the main family.
They are the wacky neighbors.

We deserve a thanksgiving story
of our own,

Not just a bunch of jokes
that makes their story funnier.

So, what are you thinking?

Perhaps we get a job
in a high-speed assembly line.

Ooh! Good one.

Or bring home a homeless man,
clean him up,

and make him the C.E.O.
of a major corporation.

Great.

Or we could trade responsibilities
with the children

in order to learn comical,
and yet mutually beneficial lessons.

You think being a grown-up is hard?

Try being a kid sometime.

My wife said
that for our anniversary,

she wanted to go
somewhere she's never been before,

so I said, "Try the kitchen."

How we doing on time, sweetie?

Six hours in the oven.

I still got two out
of the three animals uncooked.

It's like the bigger one
is protecting the littler ones.

Let them burn!

Well, try and speed it up,
'cause in my experience,

my parents fight less
when they have food in their mouths.

Your mother's gonna be
a basket case.

Cook, you unholy Frankenstein!

- Cook!
- Come on!

We're gonna be okay.

But you and Grandma?

I loved you two together.

How is this even possible?
You two are soul mates.

I don't know. I always thought
you two sort of hated each other.

Now, that's my granddaughter.

And, kid, don't be sad.

You know what I've been doing
this last week

in my room at the Hampton Inn?

Eating in bed and smiling.

I haven't done either
since I got married.

But you were together for two-thirds
of a human life span. Why now?

Eh, it was enough.

I got a recently widowed
math teacher.

She's got a weird Jewfro thing
going on,

But she's not hideous.

- You want me to set it up?
- Sure. I'm open.

Give her my number at the Hamp.

Oh, boy.
There's Grandma.

Now, she's gonna be pulling
all the waterworks with sympathy.

But, kids, don't fall for it.

All right, dad.
Just please be nice to her.

God, please let her be nice to me.

- Sweetheart!
- Hey!

Happy Thanksgiving!

- Aw! Hello, honey.
- Happy Thanksgiving. Hello.

- Mm! Don't you smell good?
- Oh.

And the house looks gorgeous.

Really?
Thank you.

Wow. Your hair's all nice and long,
and you look tan.

Hit the spa this week.

I am bronzed and hair-extended,

and waxed in places
I had no idea people wax.

Well, now we have
that information.

Okay.
I'm ready for some wine.

The foam party at La Bamba
got a little crazy last night,

And I could use
some hair of the dog.

- Dominick.
- Theresa.

Guess who's accidentally
got two dates to the prom?

I'll never get away with it.

What did we miss?

I don't know.

Oh, dinner smells mouth-watering.

Now, I don't know
if I've ever told you this,

but I think
you're a wonderful cook.

You haven't.

You haven't ever said that,
like never.

Mm.

You know, ma, I got to say,

you haven't looked
this good in years.

Well, I should hope so.

I've lost a lot of weight.

210 pounds of soul-sucking fat,
to be exact.

Hardy har.

Oh, plus, I've been power-walking
at the mall

with other senior singles.

And did I mention
the wax?

Yes, you did.
You definitely did.

Max, take your sister upstairs.

You look pretty, Grandma.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Now, remember,
marriage ruins your looks.

Nope.
Don't remember that. Go.

So, ma, what are you gonna do
in that big house all alone?

Probably sell it.

Well, then, what's...
what's gonna happen to my room?

Which one was your room?

My craft room
or the yoga room?

It's the one down the hall
from your bedroom

so you could hear me in case
I got scared during the night.

Ah. Yoga room.

Look at us just sitting here
in silence.

What are we, extras?
Do something.

I'm gay.

I knew it.

All right, guys, can I have a moment
alone with my family, please?

For the record,
I find it very regrettable

that your primitive society

Doesn't place a higher value
on in-laws.

Or legitimate
third-party candidates.

See you guys.

Oh, boy.

Another hit
on my online dating profile.

Oh, now, he's a cutie,
and he's still in his 60s.

For God's sake,
don't tell me you've signed up

with one of those
online dating scams.

Yep. It's the kind of scam
where I give them 20 bucks

and they give me
a revitalized sex life.

- Oh!
- Oh, come on, guys.

This is just posturing.
You're not dating already.

Right, because you guys
aren't breaking up. Right?

Oh!

It's a good thing
they didn't have online dating

when I was younger
or I would have needed

A what-I-just-had-waxed transplant.

Oh, sure.
Throw the tissue away.

There's plenty
of snot-free real estate.

No, you just want
to throw it away,

and move on to a fresh, new one.

That's true.
I do.

Reggie, I'm gonna go
out on a limb,

and say that this is
about my grandparents.

You're right.

I'm mad because I blew off
my Zabvronian soul mate,

who's guaranteed to love me
forever, for you.

You seem so happy about
two people breaking up,

even after 50 years.

I know it's stressful,

but if you're gonna be
with a human,

You have to accept the fact
that we're unpredictable.

More than 50% of marriages end.
That's just reality.

50%.

Humans are inconstant monsters.

I'm dating a monster.

Sure, Amber. Just date
the weird alien kid next door.

It'll be fun.

Oh, God.

My oven can't handle
this many corpses.

This is real, deb.

My parents are splitting up
for real.

If they
don't get back together,

that makes me the child
of a broken home.

I don't want
to be an orphan.

Oh, honey, I know, although
that's not what an orphan is.

You know,
I think you could be getting

a little more upset here, Deb.

Did you know
that children of divorce

are more likely
to divorce themselves?

This could have serious implications
on your future.

Okay, well, whatever happens,
that man is not moving in here.

Marty, what's your plan?

Oh, right.
That's a good idea.

Make it the responsibility
of the child

to keep his parents together.

Do you know how detrimental
that could be?

To a 43-year-old man?

Well, honey,
at a moment like this,

every man becomes
a hurt, helpless little boy.

Stop your blubbering!

We just wanted to pop by
to remind you not to worry.

This is a completely
manufactured crisis

which will resolve itself
by the end of Thanksgiving dinner.

Although, if you'd like it
resolved sooner,

We're happy
to pull some hijinks.

Because that's what
main characters do!

Think about it.

Oh, God.

Just look at you guys.

You still got
that same old spark, you know?

Well, I would like
to know where you even

came up with the cash
for that phone.

You had at least another year
on your contract!

I just used the money
I was gonna waste

on your anniversary present.

Great idea, sister.

I think I'll spend my wad
on a bottle

of those little, blue pills.

You know, the gals outnumber
the fellas 10 to 1 at our age.

Can't wait
to meet the lucky broad

who gets stuck
having to listen to you snore

for the rest of her life.

Kids, dinner!

Come eat now so this day can end
and everyone can go home

to their house that isn't this one.

Has anyone seen my wife?

She's going to miss this revolting
bird-on-bird-on-bird action.

Debbie used
your stuffing recipe, Mom.

Dad, that's your favorite,
right?

Tell Mom
how that's your favorite.

I never liked her stuffing.

That's because it's too good
for you, you nincompoop.

Watch your language.

This isn't one of your
sailor hump-hump bars.

Oh!
Enjoy him, Debbie.

No, no.
You enjoy him.

You take him home,
and you enjoy him.

I really can't tolerate
this anymore, Deborah.

These are the parents
of your soul mate.

That is a sacred bond
that deserves mad respect.

Announcement!

I found us a story line.

Hello!

Hi, there.

We are the parents
of Jackie Joyner-Kersee,

and we are the in-laws
to that guy.

Cut to commercial.
Cut to commer...

I can't believe they stuck me
at the kids' table.

So, Dick,
you like old people, huh?

I find they have character,

history,
and superior knitting skills.

Not to mention that cool smell.

How would you like a chance

to have your very own old person
living right in your room?

Doesn't that sound amazing?

My very own old person?
What a dream.

Guys, my I.Q. is more than
50 times greater than yours.

Did you really think you could
manipulate me like that?

Uh, it was worth a try.

Pull my finger.

I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

It is so nice
to have Jackie's parents here.

Kind of nice
to have a buffer.

Well, thank you,
Marty and Debbie Weaver,

For hosting us in your home
that you paid for

from the sweat
of your brow.

Okay.
Here we go.

So what are you saying,
father-in-law,

that I can't afford my lifestyle
without my father's trust fund?

He's not saying
that at all, husband.

My lovely daughter is right.

I have not said that, not once.

Other people have said it.

They've said it a lot.
But not us.

Another thing we don't say
is that your family fortune

is mostly blood money
taken from the people...

People we have devoted
our lives to helping.

Where are you guys
from again?

- France.
- Canada.

Oh, you better watch out
for my husband.

He hates foreigners.

This from the woman
who kept her wallet

in her underwear
during our entire Jamaican cruise.

I hope you're satisfied,
in-laws.

You've turned
this Thanksgiving meal

into chaos and conflict.

As always, you're toxic.

Easy, Larry.

Yeah, what happened to respecting,

and loving your in-laws
as your own, Larry?

When I said that,
Jackie's parents

and their
holier-than-thou attitude

were safely ensconced
on the other side of the Universe.

Husband, fake private whispering
does not work.

Neither does Larry.

Pow!

- Toxic!
- She's toxic?

This one over here is like
Three Mile Island in sensible shoes.

Keep stuffing your face, animal.

You've got side-by-side
grave plots now.

Come on!
Look at that repartee, huh?

Why would you want to walk away
from that, from this family?

Why?

Or your lovely house.

Now that you finally
paid off that mortgage,

and your lawn animals are just
the way you like them.

Our house doesn't even
have lawn animals.

Guys, I just want to say
I'm proud of you.

Most people would just settle
for being unhappy,

but it takes some serious sack
to break up after 50 years

to see if there's a better life
out there, so mazel tov.

Amber,
how could you say that?

Well, I hope that I'm happy
with one person forever,

but if not, I'd like to be
as brave as my grandparents.

May I please be excused?

May I also be excused?

- Oh.
- I'll talk to him.

Oh, yes. Go have
a heart to heart with our son.

That's your strong suit.

You're such a delight.

Do you know
I'm very intuitive?

I've done lots of energy work,

and I sense some trouble
in the home.

Wow.
You think, genius?

So, Mommy, did you hear
that I got a job?

No.
I can't hear anything

over Larry's deafening sense
of entitlement.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I couldn't hear you over
your deafening sense of sucking.

Jackie, um,
if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna let you deal
with your family drama.

I'm gonna go check on mine.

You guys
don't drink wine, so...

Reggie,
are you gonna let me in?

Leave me alone, you monster!

Son, are you okay?

Open up, Marty.

Go away!
You don't care about me!

You hurt my feelings,
and you don't care!

I'm gonna start
with the actual child.

Reggie, it stinks that half
of all people get divorced,

and that you can't be sure
that love will last forever,

but that's what makes it
so amazing when it does, right?

And you two, of course
you fell out of love.

'Cause you stopped
working at it.

It takes work
every single day.

There are no guarantees, Reggie,
so you have to work at it.

Even after 50 years,
or it dies.

And it's that work
that makes it beautiful.

That was lovely, Debbie Weaver.

Well, thanks, Reg.

It was from the heart...
And the wine.

So, are we okay?

Amber, you know
the sign in history class

that says "Work sets you free."?

It's about us.

It's actually a Holocaust
diorama, but I hear you.

I like that we're gonna
have to spend every single day

of our lives working
to keep our love alive.

Are you sure?

Jane wouldn't be
any work at all.

Anything worthwhile
takes work.

And what about you two?

Do you seriously
want to start over now?

We go back out there,

people are gonna want us
to work on ourselves.

I'm gonna
have to shave every day,

suck in my gut, flush.

Tell me about it.

You know how tiring it is
to get all fapitzed like this?

You look great,
Mrs. Weaver.

Stop. I hate cardio.
I hate getting waxed.

I hate the stupid noises
that phone makes,

and I hate having
to hold in my toots.

Yeah.

I'd rather phone it in
and die with you

than some broad who wants me
to work for the rest of my life.

Come here, you stinker.

Theresa.

So, does this mean
that you guys are back together?

For the most depressing reason
imaginable.

Great news, everybody!

My mom and dad
are back together!

- Yay!
- See? I knew it.

Things always go back to normal
at the end of the holiday.

Oh! Which reminds me,
it's nearly 9:00 P.M.

My precious in-laws, I believe
you have a wormhole to catch.

Plenty of peace rallies
back home to attend.

I bet you would love
to see us leave so soon,

but we have a lifetime
of possessions to unpack.

Unpack?

Yes, it's clear
that your family needs us

more than even the orphans
your father's war created.

So we're staying.

There is no bigger charity case
in the Universe

right now than you, son.

Congratulations.

Oh, God.

They're not leaving.

This is a "to be continued".

Things are gonna be so great now

that Mom and Dad
are back together.

I know, honey.

You know, we really ought
to spend more time with them

now that things are all better.

We should take a trip
with them to Disney World!

All of us, just one big,
happy family.

Fun!

Thank you, Dick.

You're right, babe.

The turducken is even better
the morning after.

And I really nailed
your mom's stuffing recipe this year.

Mm-hmm.

Buon giorno.

I am here for Theresa.

Excuse me.

We met online, and I am-a supposed
to pick her up here for brunch.

Well, she's unavailable
like forever.

- She went back with my dad.
- I am so sorry to hear this.

I am a man who has
all the money in the world,

But-a nobody
to share it with.

Mi scusi.

But when I saw her profile,
I thought to myself this...

This is the woman
I could spend my twilight years

traveling the world with.

God.

I mean, would it kill us
to pass along her phone number?

Here.

Oh!

Grazie.

Prego.

All right, Don Juan.
Oh, no. Carmine.

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