All language subtitles for The Bank Dick

Egbert Souse?

- Isn't that an odd name?
- It isn't pronounced Souse.

Accent grave over the "E."
Egbert "Sou-say. "

Oh, I see.

What's he up to now?
What is he up to?

Your guess is as good as mine, Ma.
I never know what to expect next.

I bet you anything he's smoking
up in his room again.

This time, Agatha,
you've got to just tell him to stop.

- His smokin' gave me asthma.
- Oh, Ma.

- If you don't, I'm going on the County.
- Ma!

Imagine a man trying
to take care of his family...

by going to theater bank nights, working
puzzle contests and suggesting slogans.

Telephone's ringing.

Don't answer it, Elsie Mae. It's probably
the Lacavas wantin' their lawn mower back.

We're not
finished with it yet.

- Hello, daughter.
- Hello.

- Hello, Myrtle.
- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Agatha, this time you've got
to tell him. I just can't stand it.

It's just a lingering death.

If you don't,
I will go on the County!

What's eatin' you?

My Sunday School teacher,
Mr. Stackhouse,

told me that he saw my father coming out
of a saloon the other day!

And that Dad
was smoking a pipe!

Oh, I'll kill myself!

What's the matter with her?

I'll starve myself to death.

It's the easiest way out.

It's not so difficult to do.

I tried it yesterday afternoon.

That must be Og.
Will you excuse me?

- Nice potatoes.
- Thank you.

Why don't we get
any more crumpets?

Smoking and drinking.

And reading those
infernal detective stories.

House just smells
of liquor and smoke.

There he goes again to the saloon
to read that silly detective magazine.

Mother's right.
You've been smoking again in your room.

Imagine a man who takes money out of
a child's piggy bank, puts in I.O.U.s.

Don't you dare strike that child!
You put that down!

Og, I'd like you to meet
my father.

Father, this is Og Oggilby.

Og Oggilby.

Sounds like a bubble in a bathtub.

- I'm glad to have met ya.
- Mighty glad to have met you.

Your father seems awfully nice.

Yes... we think so.

What seems to be
the trouble?

Are you carrying the proper amount
of air in the tires?

Had the brakes tested lately?

'Course it may be the wheelbase.

- The tools.
- Why don't you go away and mind your own business?

Listen to the gentleman
attentively, James.

- Be polite!
- Thank you, madam.

Gimme the shift expander.
I'll fix it.

- A what?
- Monkey wrench.

Give the gentleman
what he asks for, James.

Ow!

Here's all you gotta do.
Just open up this nut here.

I was down to Cape Cod
most of that year.

Say, you oughta Vaseline this place
in here or move the post over.

I have half interest in
a cod liver oil mine down in Cape Cod.

Snowed all winter.

We did a lot of boondoggling.
You ever boondoggle, Joe?

No, I can't say that I have.

These cloves are pretty dry.
Better sprinkle 'em with alcohol.

How you do?

- Meet you at the Elks Club several weeks ago?
- No.

Never did, eh?

- Ever do any boondoggling?
- No. Gimme a beer.

Never have, eh?
Mine's a poultice.

Never done boondoggling.

Must've been another fella,
I guess.

Take off your hat
in the presence of a gentleman.

Well, here she goes.

Down the hatch.

I tell you, he's drunk, Q. Q.

Said he had trouble
with his wife.

Yes. We have tried.
But he isn't sober.

The best I can.

But you don't understand, Q. Q.

Hello?

"The best I can. "

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

What can you give me for
shattered nerves? I got the jitters.

If the gentleman has butterflies in
his stomach, I suggest a dash of rover.

- Rover?
- Dog. Absinthe.

It's very good for the nerves.

- That's fine.
- Thank you.

That's just what I needed.

My name's Greene.
Mackley Q Greene.

And a man more beset by trouble,
you'll never see. Again.

I'm here in Lompoc
on a movie location.

My director started on a bender last
night, and that's good for ten days.

We got a 36-hour schedule
and a stinko script.

It's a one-reeler, and it opens in
this very town the day after tomorrow.

You're yelling
right down my alley.

In the old Sennett days,
I used to direct Fatty Arbuckle,

Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton
and the rest of 'em.

I can't get the Celluloid
outta my blood.

Nights, I used to tend bar.

Would you entertain a proposition
to direct this picture?

Take a gambler's chance
on a percentage of the profits?

Um, um, yes, just a moment.

Was I in here last night,
and did I spend a $20 bill?

Yeah.

Oh, boy! What a load
that is off my mind.

I thought I'd lost it.

Here you are.
Keep the change.

I've got a script I've had
in mothballs for 20 years.

I read it to Irving and Milton
who run the cinema here.

They said to me, "Sous�, it's
better than 'Gone With the Wind'."

- My car's outside. Let's get down on the set.
- Okay.

I'll bring the glasses back later.

Take a note, please.

Oh, Mr. Clam,
it's good for you.

- Mr. Greene, he's tight as a snare drum.
- We won't bother with him.

- Mr. Sous� will take over the direction.
- Fine. Glad to meet ya.

Glad to know you.
Must've been a gnat.

Here comes Francois
and Miss Plupp.

Oh, yeah.

Hi. This is Miss Plupp,
I take it.

Oh.

And you are Francois?

This is Mr. Sous�. He's taking over
the direction of the picture.

Did you sleep well
last night?

Oh, I...

Maybe un peu?

Comme ci, comme ca.

I don't know whether this part is suited
to my personality or not.

Don't give it a thought.
I changed everything.

Instead of it being
an English drawing room drama,

I've made it
a circus picture.

Don't just sit there!
Take down everything he says.

- Good morning, Mr. Greene.
- Aaah!

It's Saturday afternoon.

You make touchdown
after touchdown.

You kick goals.
You make passes.

You make the longest run with the ball
that was ever made on the field.

In these clothes?

Um, you could
change your hat.

Take it easy there.
That's all right.

Everything's gonna be all right.
Just take it easy.

He sees you
in the $50 seats.

He immediately falls in love with ya.
Can't take his eyes off ya.

- How can he play base... ball,
- Foot.

- And watch me in the grandstand?
- Wait. It's part of the plot.

Attaboy.

That's swell.
Now you're doin' good.

We'll play the scene
very digni... fied.

Service, please.

Come on, boys, come on.

- It's him.
- For the love of Pete!

Attention.

We'll just walk
through this thing.

Take it, Miss Plupp,
where you come out of the grandstand.

- He makes me sick.
- Shall I bounce a rock off his head?

- Respect your father. What kind of a rock?
- Oh, shut up.

You're both madly in love
with each other.

Embrace.

- Is she standing in a hole?
- No, sir.

Read your lines.

When does this thing stop?

It's all right.
You're doing all right.

Got any cigars, kid?
You know the brand.

We're making
motion picture history.

I want quiet!
Quiet from everybody!

Pa's drunk again.

Cut that out. Take your dirty hands
off me and get back to your places.

Here.

Give this that
"number-seven" expression.

- "Those eyes! Those ears!"
- I wanna be in a picture.

Uh, I'll put you in
later on, dear.

Uh, give me...

What's the matter, Pop?
Don't you love me?

Don't you dare strike that child.

She's not gonna tell me
I don't love her.

- Those eyes.
- Those eyes.

Those ears.

That nose.

Oh, Godfrey Daniel!

Mother of pearl!

The child's only playing
with you, you fool.

I don't understand her "funning. "

Let's...

Now to continue.

Those ey...

Uh... Thanks.

Study that script.
Say, Joe.

Mr. Sous�! Mr. Sous�!
How do you like that?

Mr. Greene, you haven't
another thing to worry about.

I'm perfectly okay.

You look it.

- Getting quite late.
- It is!

- See you're still at it.
- Serves ya right.

- Be courteous, James.
- Yes, ma'am.

We'll leave the motor running.
Come on.

Pass over all that dough,
and do it quietly.

Imagine parking his car in front of a
"no parking" sign with the engine running!

Two buck fine will do him a lot of good.
Let's take it to headquarters.

Don't forget to keep
your foot off that alarm.

Somebody must've nailed the car.
Let's take it on the lam.

Help! Help! Police, help!

Please help! Robbery!

Help! Help! Police!

- Let's split that money up right now.
- Keep goin'.

- Supposing we get split up?
- What of it?

- How much money you got? Start counting.
- No!

- Don't you trust me?
- I don't trust nobody. Not even my mother.

- Give me my end.
- Turn loose of me.

Bank robbers. Two of 'em.
Went down this alley.

"Out to tea. Joe. "
Be drinkin' sarsaparilla next.

- Gimme half of that dough.
- I will not!

Must be another holdup somewhere.

There they are!

Grab him while I put these on.

That's not one of the crooks.
That's Mr. Sous�.

Yeah, Sous�.
Accent grave over the "E."

Fine job apprehending this desperado
and retrieving the bank funds.

- What?
- You saved the $50,000. That's the most important part.

Yeah, 50,000 ain't hay.

- Other fella got away on you, huh?
- What happened?

Uh, yes! Yes! He got away.
Pulled a knife on me.

- An assegai.
- Lucky you had that revolver.

- You always carry it with you?
- Take this.

We detectives gotta do those things.

Never know when you're gonna catch
a couple of bank robbers.

Mr. Skinner would like to see you and
thank you after what's just happened.

- Why don't you drop into the bank?
- I'll tell 'im about it.

- Which way did the other fella go?
- There was another fella?

- He went away.
- Away where?

Look out there!
I'll give him a punch in the nose.

See those handcuffs
are on tight, will ya?

- Come to headquarters and identify this fella.
- Okay.

I'll break every bone in his hand.

- Myrtle should be proud to have a father like you.
- I guess she is.

No wonder,
after a thing like that.

Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sous�'s father
just caught a burglar.

And he tried to cut his throat
with a knife about this long!

Yeah.

And he had a gun
about this big!

- You don't say?
- Did you kill him with one bullet?

Mm-hmm.

- Ohh, jiminy, you're pretty good.
- Jiminy!

One or two bullets. I was so busy shooting
him. That's the way I catch burglars.

- Do another!
- Oh, boy!

- Will you teach me?
- Ooh, that's swell.

I'll teach you
when you grow up.

I never smoked a cigarette
till I was nine.

Sign my autograph book,
Mr. Souse?

"Sou-say," son.
Accent grave over the "E."

- There's the accent grave.
- I saw you through the window.

- Oh, did ya?
- A knife four feet long, eh?

I'll say that the sword
Lee surrendered to Grant...

was a potato peeler by comparison.

You better come in and have
a little poultice on the house.

Don't mind if I do.

Mr. Sous�? Here's the interview
you gave me for my paper.

- Look it over and see if it's correct.
- Oh, thanks.

I'll pursue it instanta.

Oh, yes!
"Skinner's National Bank robbed.

Egbert Sous� makes daring... "

Hey, you!

"Of loudmouthed McNasty,
alias the Wildcat.

Drawing his revolver...

which he carries
for such emergencies,

he struck McNasty... "

You see, putting things like that
on motorcars is what kills people.

Get outta there!

"For such emergencies... "

The Lompoc Picayune Intelligencer
just got out a special edition...

telling how I apprehended
them two crooks.

For heaven's sake, can't you see
we're playing an interesting game?

There was an article in there telling
how I apprehended a couple of crooks...

who stole $2 million
from Skinner's Lompoc Bank.

You would.
Skinner's Lompoc Bank.

Them's the shylocks that's got
the mortgage on this house, ain't they?

Haunting you from morning till night.
The old pinchpennies!

Why don't you move...

I'm sorry they didn't
get away with the bank.

Leave it to him.
He would do a thing like that.

I think I'll go up
to my room for a moment.

They want me to come down to the bank
to get a reward or job or something.

I'll go down
in the morning.

Don't you smoke
up in your room.

Oh! No, I won't, dear.

What am I doing?

- Hello!
- Hello, honey.

- That was a great stunt your father pulled today.
- Huh?

Two crooks got in the bank
and stole $25,000.

- I never knew your father had so much intestinal fortitude.
- Are you kiddin'?

- No!
- Come on. Let's talk about us.

- Your father took his pistol and hit one of the fellas.
- He hasn't got a pistol.

The paper said your father took a
double-edged assegai from one of the fellas.

- A what's-a-gai?
- An assegai. A sword!

- Where did the newspapers get the story?
- From your father.

He admitted the whole thing
to the police.

Let's talk about us, Og.

Well, I get my bonus pretty soon.

I've already picked out
your engagement ring.

Oh... oh, Oggie.

Oh, golly!

Mmm!

Shucks.

I have an appointment with Mr. Skinner,
president of the bank.

- Step to one side, please.
- Yes.

Thank you, Miss Carroll.

I had an appointment
with Mr. Skinner, the...

Please, just to one side.

Oh.

There you go.

- The president...
- Please, will you step to one side?

Just a moment.

- Nice weather we're having.
- Yes, it is.

- Yes, clever observation.
- How've you been, Mr. Penny?

- Fine, thank you.
- That's good. It's very interesting.

Ah...

Oh.

- How do you do? Oh, yeah. How do you do?
- How are you, sir?

Oh, well as can be expected after that
tussle I put up with those two bandits.

- Oh, yes.
- I went to see the doctor.

He said as a result
of that scrap,

I'll probably have to have a kidney
and gallbladder removed.

- I also may need an appendectomy.
- Mm-mmm.

I saw young Oggilby. He told me
to come up to see the president.

Oh, yes, will you step aside please?
Just step one side.

- Good mornin', sir.
- How are you?

I wanna draw my money
outta the bank.

- You're not gonna close your account with us, are ya?
- I sure is.

- Is there any particular reason?
- Yessir. I'm scared.

Every time I come in here,
you've got your hat on.

Look like you're ready to take off.
It keeps me nervous.

I just wear this hat on account
of hay fever.

Excuse me.

That's all right. I hadn't any right
standing in front of the hole.

Where's his office?
Is he in?

Mr. Skinner's office
is right over there.

- Good morning, Mr. Sous�.
- Good morning, good morning.

- Mr. Skinner's expecting you.
- Is he? Oh, thanks. I'll go right in.

- We want to show our appreciation of your gallantry and daring.
- Thank you.

I wish to personally give you
a hearty handclasp.

Oh, thanks.
Hearty handclasp. Yes.

And to present you,
with the company's compliments,

one of our 1940 calendars...

made especially for this bank,
entitled "Spring in Lompoc. "

Oh!

Doesn't look unlike
the Mona Lisa.

Won't you be seated? I've been
in consultation with our director.

We've decided that what has been needed
in this bank is a special officer.

Or to revert to the argot
of the underworld, a bank dick.

In lieu of your heroism,
your dauntless courage,

- I have the honor to offer you this position.
- Oh, thank you.

The remuneration at first
will be very small.

We're a growing concern.
We're young.

But there are a great
many chances for advancement.

Who knows? Within a short time,
you may become my vice president.

My first and only vice!

Very good.

- Uh, what time in the morning?
- The bank opens at 10:00.

Oh. Well, that's all right.

If I'm not here on time, just go ahead
without me. I'll catch up with ya.

And, oh, yes, we will deduct
a certain amount from your salary...

which will go to pay off the interest
of the mortgage on your home.

Otherwise, it will
necessitate our foreclosing.

And in view of what has transpired,
that would cause us heartfelt contrition.

You took the very words
right outta my mouth.

I'll see you here Monday.

And I'll bring
my detective disguises with me.

Listen, Og, there's more to this
detective business than meets the eye.

It requires cunning
and resourcefulness.

And I have both.

I have a thousand disguises at home.

I'll come in with one
of those disguises on.

If you recognize me, you go...

- Oh, like this?
- Not up high. It's too blatant.

Down there. Just give me
a little one like that.

If you don't recognize me, go...

Well, if you don't recognize me,
you won't know what to do.

And you won't recognize me!

I'll be in later.

You gotta keep in practice
for this game.

You never know
when you're gonna...

have to use your gun.

I really have a reason
for a snort this morning.

After that bout I put up with
those two crooks, I'm still arm weary.

President of the bank called me in.
He says, "Sous�?"

I said, "Yes?"

He says, "I want you
down here for our bank dick.

We've wanted a bank dick
for a long while. "

He says,
"In your Christmas box,

will in all probability
be the vice presidency of this bank. "

What'll it be?

Depth bomb.

Keep your hat off there.

Very tasty. I think
I'll have another one.

Um, some fresh water.

And a towel.
Thank you.

Never like to bathe
in the same water twice.

Neat little trick, isn't it?

Pardon me. I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation.

- Pardon me, pardon me.
- It's quite all right.

Waterbury's my name.
J. Frothingham Waterbury.

- Very glad to know you. My name's Sous�.
- How do you do?

- Accent grave over the "E."
- Oh, so?

I'm in the bond
and stock business.

I have 5,000 shares of the Beefsteak Mines
that I want to turn over to your bank.

I like this little town, and I want to get
some contacts. I think you're the very man.

- These shares are selling
for ten cents a share and...

- Ten cents, eh?
- Oh, that's terrible.

These shares are selling
for ten cents a share.

- A telephone company once sold for five cents a share.
- Five cents?

These shares are twice as expensive,
therefore they'll be twice as valuable!

- Sure, they will.
- Naturally you're no dunce.

The telephone is now listed
at $1.73, and you can't buy it.

$3,460 for every nickel
you put into it.

The point I'm trying to make
is this...

- Huh?
- The point I'm trying to make is:

These shares sell for ten cents.
It's simple arithmetic.

- If five will get you ten, ten will get you 20!
- Sure.

Sixteen cylinder cars. A big home in
the city. Balconies upstairs and down.

Home in the country.
Big trees. Private golf course.

Stream running through
the rear of the estate.

Warm Sunday afternoon
fishing under the cool trees.

Sipping ice-cold beer.

I can almost see the foam.

- Ham and cheese on rye.
- With mustard.

- Yeah.
- We have plenty of mustard at the house.

And then this guy comes up the shady
drive in an armored car from a bank.

And he dumps
a whole basket of coupons...

worth hundreds of thousands of dollars
right in your lap.

And he says, "Sign here, please,
on the dotted line. "

I'll have a fountain pen
by that time.

And then he's off
to the soft chirping...

of our feathered friends
in the arboreal dell.

- That's what these bonds mean.
- They do, eh?

I'd rather part with my dear old grandmother's
paisley shawl or her wedding ring...

than to part with these bonds.

It must be tough to lose
a paisley shawl.

Thank you.
That's fine.

- Gosh! Oh, pardon my language.
- It's all right.

- I swear sometimes myself.
- I feel like a dog.

But it's now or never.
It must be done, so take it or leave it.

- I'll take it.
- Fine, fine, fine!

- Meet me down at the bank in about an hour.
- Certainly! My card.

Thanks.

I got you set for life.

I don't hang around
that Black Pussy Cafe for nothing.

I met a poor fella
who's in trouble.

Something the matter
with his grandmother's paisley shawl.

He has 5,000 shares
in the Beefsteak Mine,

and you can buy them
for a handful of hay.

Hay? And they're worth...

Ten cents a share.

Telephone sold
for five cents a share.

How would you like something better
for ten cents a share?

If five gets you ten,
ten'll get you 20.

Beautiful home in the country.
Upstairs and down.

Beer flowing through the estate
over your grandmother's paisley shawl.

- Beer?
- Beer!

Fishing in the stream...

that runs under the arboreal dell.

A man comes up from the bar.

Dumps $3,500 in your lap...

for every nickel invested.

Says to you, "Sign here
on the dotted line. "

And then disappears
in the waving fields of alfalfa.

Gosh. Do you think
he was tellin' the truth?

You don't think a man
would resort to taradiddle, do you?

Why, he sobbed
like a child...

at the very thought
of disposing of these shares.

How does a bank
make its money?

- By investing.
- That's the point.

You don't wanna work all your life.

Take a chance!
Take it while you're young.

My uncle,
a balloon ascensionist,

Effingham Hoffnagle,
took a chance.

He was three miles and a half
up in the air.

He jumped out of the basket
of the balloon,

and took a chance
of lighting on a load of hay.

Golly!
Did he make it?

- Uh... no, he didn't.
- Oh.

Had he been a younger man,
he probably would've made it.

That's the point!
Don't wait too long in life.

I've never done anything
like this.

And another thing,
I haven't got the money.

'Course my bonus comes due
in four days. That's $500.

I could buy 'em then,
and with all that money,

I really might be worthy
of your daughter's hand.

Women really appreciate
the fine things in life.

- You don't wanna die and leave your wife and children paupers, do you?
- No.

Borrow the $500 from the bank.

- You intend to pay it back when your bonus comes due, don't ya?
- Oh, sure.

Surely! Don't be a luddy-duddy.
Don't be a mooncalf.

- Don't be a jabbernowl. You're not those, are you?
- No.

I guess there's no way you could
confuse it with stealing, is there?

Ha. Nothing
could be more absurd.

All right,
send him in.

He won't be here
till 11:00.

- Got him! Back, back!
- Oh, what do you mean?

The idea!

- Is that gun loaded?
- Certainly not. But I think you are.

Mommy, doesn't that man
have a funny nose?

You mustn't make fun
of the gentleman, Clifford.

You'd like to have a nose like
that full of nickels, wouldn't you?

I'll throw him in the wastepaper basket
the next time he comes in here.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm the officer.
Can I help you?

I'd like to see Mr. Skinner,
the president of the bank.

Oh, yes, he'll be very glad
to see you, I'm sure.

Very glad.

J. Pinkerton Snoopington,
bank examiner, is that right?

- Yes.
- He'll be...

He'll be very glad
to see you, but...

he's gone out to
the golf course on business.

Probably won't be back
till midnight.

If he does return,
where can he call you?

I'm stopping at the New Old Lompoc House
down the avenue.

Oh, New Old Lompoc House!
Frank Cridellhoffer, the management.

I know him well.
If you need anything during the night,

- Just mention my name.
- Yes, yes, I will.

That's fine. Yes.

Got some bad news for ya. Can you
take it now, or shall I hold off?

That was the bank examiner,
wasn't it?

- You guessed it the first time.
- Oh, I knew this would happen.

I was a perfect idiot
to ever listen to you.

You listen to me.

There's nothing in this world
that is perfect.

It'll be four days before I get
my bonus, and can replace that money.

Oh, was I a dope!
I've sacrificed everything:

my job, my marriage
to your daughter.

Keep my daughter's name
outta this.

Don't you ever tell me again
I'm not a jabbernowl and a mooncalf!

Please get out of the office, Mr. Sous�.
This is terrible.

I reiterate.
Leave everything to me.

Don't worry about a thing.

Hello! Hello.

Give me the
New Old Lompoc House.

Yeah, the New Old.

Is Charlie
on the desk?

- What's a six-letter word
meaning embezzlement? - Prison.

I'll bet that's Og.

He's got her bettin' now.
She never gambled 'fore she met him.

- Hello, Og.
- Hello, dear.

Still working on
your crossword puzzle book?

Uh-huh.
I'll tell you one on Grandma.

I asked them to give me
a six-letter word meaning embezzlement,

and she said, "Prison. "

Isn't that a hot one?

Huh?

- She's right.
- What's the matter with you?

I've got something to confess.
Our engagement is off.

Og, what are you saying?

Oh, well, it's only off
for a while, dear.

That is, if you're willing
to wait until I get out of prison.

Og, don't scare me!
Oh, stop fooling.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, I don't know. I can't think straight.

Your father brought a man
into the bank who sold me...

his grandmother's paisley shawl
with a beer river running through it.

I don't know
what it was!

Are you sick? Let me feel your head.
You've got a fever.

I don't know what I've got,
but your father got me...

to take $500 from the bank funds
and invest it and...

- Og!
- Shh. Not so loud.

I don't want your mother
or grandmother to hear.

And he got me to invest it in telephone,
telegraphs, an electric light company...

No, it wasn't a telephone or telegraph.
It was a Beefsteak Mine.

A Beefsteak Mine...
Og, have you been drinking?

I'm going to tell my mother that my father
got you to drink and steal money from the bank.

- No, listen...
- I'm going to tell my mother right away...

that my father got you to steal money from
the bank and invest it in a Beefsteak Mine.

Oh, now, Myrtle!

It was very nice of you
to call me, Mr. Sous�.

Not at all. I knew you were a stranger.
I wanted to make your stay happy.

I work for the Chamber of Commerce
when I'm not on my regular...

- Would you like to weigh yourself?
- No.

I know the manager here. He'll let
you weigh yourself for nothing.

This Lompoc is noted
for its beautiful girls.

- I imagine you've noticed them.
- Yes, I have.

I'm a married man with a grown daughter,
18 years of age.

Oh, I'd like to meet her.
I'm very fond of children.

Girl children
around 18, 20.

I have a young daughter of
marriageable age. Also a small daughter.

Nice wife, and a mother-in-law
that loves me like her own son.

Would you like to give the town
a double-o?

A little constitutional
couldn't possibly hurt.

No. Ah! The Black Pussy Cafe
and Snack Bar.

Hello. How would you like to go in
and have a little spot?

No, no,
I never drink during business hours.

Just a little spot, and we'll find out
how Gumlegs came out at Del Mar.

This... this place
isn't crowded, is it?

No. If it wasn't for me,
the place would starve to death.

- I'll dawdle for about ten minutes.
- We'll dawdle together.

Oh, after you.

Thank you.

Nice little place here.

Could we find a secluded spot
where we won't be observed?

Oh, surely. Sit right down there.
Nobody'll see ya.

Just a couple of
local beer guzzlers.

Could we pull the shade?

You can pull anything you want. It's
a regular joint. I know Joe very well.

- What's your pleasure?
- Rye highball.

Rye highball.

- Make it light.
- Light rye.

Mr. Sous�, what'll it be?

I want two highballs.

One very light.
You can double up on mine.

Has Michael Finn
been in here today?

No, but he will be.

That's good.

- How'd Gumlegs come out in the fifth?
- He ran sixth.

The dog!

- You ever bet on the races?
- No, I never wager.

You never wager. That's not a bad idea.
It's a good system.

I bet on that Gumlegs once.

He won, but the jockey
got off at the three-quarters,

and had to carry him
across the tape on his back.

He's a beetle. The jockey
was a very insulting fellow.

He referred to my proboscis...

as an adsatitious excrescious.

I had to tweak his nose.

I was compelled...
That's fine, thank you.

Well... no one's lookin'.

- Down the hatch.
- Down the h...

I feel deathly ill.

Well...
Fill 'em up again, Joe.

No, no, please.

I've never had such a feeling
in all my life.

Probably it's something
you've eaten.

- I haven't eaten anything.
- There you are! You haven't eaten anything!

Come on. I'll get you
some nice chili con carne.

Or it may be the altitude.
Come on.

Don't worry about a thing.
You're all right.

It may be the altitude.
This town has an altitude of 500 feet.

Population is 4,500.

Schools, churches, public library.

Three blocks of paved streets.

Two trains a day, not counting
the milk train at 4:00 in the morning.

- We have three drugstores. One actually sells medicine.
- Stop.

Stop, I'm dying.
Could you direct me to a culvert?

Why don't you wait till you get
to the hotel? It's only six blocks.

We pass the Spanish Americo
Chili Parlor on the way up.

Maybe you've eaten an oyster
in a month that had an "R" in it.

Don't let these people know.
It's a very respectable place.

That's all right.
Come on.

Equilibrium's the thing.

If your friend is drunk,
don't bring him into this hotel.

He's already registered.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

Little case of
ptomaine poisoning.

- Something he ate.
- Get him out of sight as quickly as possible.

- He's in room five.
- Room five. Come on, old boy.

Come on.
This won't last forever.

Come on, look out!
Look out!

That's it.
Now, you're all right.

You'll be fine...

or I'll fix it
so you will be in due time.

I shall make it my business to see the
Lompoc Ladies Auxiliary will be informed.

- I thought this was a family hotel.
- Yes, indeed it is.

Uh, Mr. Snoopington
has a touch of ptomaine.

Hmm. Didn't smell
like ptomaine.

Well!

Drat, drat, drat, drat!

Come on.
Here you are.

- Okay, okay.
- What are you trying to do?

Fill this hotel full of delirium
tremens? We've a reputation to uphold!

It's the same man.
Just fell out the window.

- Friend of mine caught him on the first bounce.
- Oh, yeah?

- Face up.
- I'll see that he doesn't bounce again.

Come now, Mr. Snoopington.
Let's pull ourselves together now.

Here we go.
Up, up, up.

- Oh, yes, he's blotto. Isn't he...
- Oh!

When you hear the tone,

it will be 22 and
one half minutes till 7:00.

Listen,
I'm calling Dr. Stall,

and as a matter of fact,
when I hear the tone,

it'll be 22 and
one half minutes till 6:00.

- Give me Dr. Stall.
- I'll give you information please.

I don't want information please,
or Professor Qiz, or calling all cars.

- I want Dr. Stall.
- Louder, please.

"Louder, please. " If I spoke any louder,
I wouldn't need a telephone.

Gimme Dr. Stall.

Hello.

Just a moment, please.

The first thing you've got to do
is cut out all health foods.

That'll be $ 10.00. The nurse will return
your clothes with the receipt.

Hello.

This is Sous� speaking, Doc.
How are ya?

I'm here at the
New Old Lompoc House.

There's a bank examiner
in town, an old friend of the family's.

He's evidently been on a bender.
He's full of nose paint.

Hello, Snoopy, old boy!
How do you feel?

I feel as though I've been poisoned.

You look the picture of health.

Ooh.

Shame. Agony.

My poor wife.

Little Doret.

I forgot to telephone them last night.

Why don't you let me
get you something to eat?

How'd you like some breaded veal cutlet
with tomato sauce?

- Ooh!
- A chocolate �clair with whip cream?

Poor fellow hasn't had
anything to eat.

Oh.

I guess that's the doctor.

Hello, Doc.
How are ya?

- How's business?
- Oh, fair, fair.

I don't suppose we'll ever get another
whooping cough epidemic again.

No, I don't suppose we will.

This is the eminent, uh, Dr. Stall.

Diagnostician,
our town's leading physician.

- What's the name?
- J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

- Business?
- Bank examiner.

- Bank examiner?
- Yes.

Quite a lucrative occupation.

Do you mind, uh,
showing me your tongue?

You must eat more solids...
meats and sauces.

You need iron...
liver and bacon.

You lack vitamins A, B and C.

Skip the rest down to X and Y. If Z
is necessary, we'll give you that later.

What you need
most of all is rest.

Rest will do more for you
than all the doctors in the world.

- No exercise!
- No.

Now, you take two of these...

in a glass of castor oil for two nights
running, then you skip one night.

- But I thought you said I wasn't to take any exercise.
- You take me too literally.

What I should say is,

you take two for
two nights consecutively.

- And then you, uh...
- Refrain from taking them one night.

Yes.

That's absolutely true and
they're tasteless. Good with goulash.

With the proper rest,
I'll get you out of here in three days.

- Yes, sir, I'll get
you out in three days.

- Three more days and you'll be outta here.
- Fore!

Careful waving that cane.
You might hit something.

Yeah, I might hit
that globe up there.

That'll be just one day before
the boys at the bank get their bonus.

Yes, sir, I'll have you out
in three days.

- Unless, of course, complications set in.
- Oh, yes.

- That'll naturally take an extra day.
- Yes!

Now, leave everything to me.

I'll do the worrying.
Be happy and gay!

I'll have the management
send you up a radio.

Come on, Doc.
We better be going.

Toodle-oo!

Gonna have the missus bake you a nice
coconut custard pie with Savaloi pudding.

You haven't a thing
to worry about.

I've got Snoopington down at the
New Old Lompoc House. He's still in bed.

Oh, much obliged.
I gotta put on my work clothes now.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, what do you mean?

Ha, yeah.
I thought I lost it.

How-dee-do, Mr. Skinner?

Mr. Sous�, we appreciate
the capture you made...

and the manhandling
you gave those criminals.

Oh, nothing at all!
Nothing really.

They were a couple
of tough fellows.

One of them pulled
a knife on me.

Pulled a knife that
was really... It was...

It was about that...

It was about that long.
It was really an assegai.

Doesn't anyone ever pull
a short knife on you, Mr. Sous�?

A little one...
about that long?

Oh, yes!
Yes, yes.

Major Moe one time, a little
colored midget, pulled one on me.

It was just about that long.
Wasn't really a knife. It was a razor.

We're grateful to you for
retrieving the bank's funds.

Oh, that was in
the line of duty.

And we feel we've shown our gratitude by
giving you a position as bank's officer.

But when you caution
Mrs. Muckle's little son...

about carrying a toy pistol
into the bank, that's going too far.

I cannot impress upon you
too firmly,

the Skinner Bank is
a dignified institution.

Yeah, that's the way
I always figured it.

I guess you figured it the same way,
working here the same as I do.

Furthermore, I've been informed
that you are a frequenter...

of a cafe known
as the Black Pussy.

Oh, yes, say,
that reminds me.

- One of the customers gave it to me. Smoke it at your leisure.
- Thank you.

By the way,

accept this silver-plated napkin ring
with my compliments.

- I won it over at the bowling alley last night.
- Thanks.

- You're welcome.
- Why, Mr. Snoopington!

Aaah!

I beg your pardon.

It's an unexpected pleasure
to see you in Lompoc.

It's no pleasure for me.

I'm a very sick man...
but I'm also a man for duty.

If you don't mind, I'd like
to look over your books.

Aaah!

Of course we don't mind.

This bank is always ready
for an audit, yessiree.

Mr. Sous�, our special officer,
will give you every assistance you wish.

Come in.

- Not feeling well, Mr. Snoopington?
- No, I'm not feeling very fit.

Well, I'll leave you
to Mr. Sous�.

And rest assured
you are in proper hands.

Thank you.

Are you, um...

Are you still suffering from
that slight nausea you had yesterday?

- Yes, I haven't quite gotten over it yet.
- Well, listen,

I don't want to be
a crepe hanger,

but in your weakened condition,
you're subject to all sorts of maladies.

- Now, I want to tell you something very confidentially.
- Yes?

I know positively that
our good friend Dr. Stall...

has treated this boy who thumbs
the pages of these books...

for Malta fever, beriberi,

and that dreaded of all
diseases, Mogo on the Ga-Go-Go.

Mr. Sous�, if duty called,

I would go into the tsetse fly country
of Africa and brave sleeping sickness...

- If there were books to be examined.
- Hmm.

- This way?
- Uh, yeah.

Would you like to examine the books
of the Black Pussy Cafe?

Thank you.

- What you need to get is a description of that place.
- Okay.

Og, what's the matter?

Exactly what I suspected!

- What?
- The old Mogo on the Ga-Go-Go.

Og?
Whiskey!

Whiskey? Look out!
I'll get it!

- Whiskey.
- What's the matter? Speak to me!

- What happened to him?
- I don't know.

Help me lift him up.
Just wet his lips.

Okay.

Here you are.

Uh...

- Ooh!
- Something in the clamp?

Oh, that's a good question.

Ah, unfortunately you
must've had your hand in there.

That'll interfere with
your writing, won't it?

It won't interfere with my writing.
Fortunately, I'm left-handed.

Oh, that's unfort...
Oh, yeah.

Get him a glass of water,
will you, Scotty? Feel better?

Psst!
Mr. Sous�.

Did I see that
bank examiner here?

Why, I don't imagine so.

With my introspective eye
as a detective,

I would naturally
have seen him...

Ah, just as I thought:
recurring fever.

I'm sorry to appear
overzealous,

but these books
have got to be examined.

- Let me help you, Mr. Snoopington.
- Oh, thank you.

Here you are, sir.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's all right.
I can't see a thing without my glasses.

- Here you are, sir.
- Thank you.

- I'll be right over here if you need me, sir.
- All right.

If I can be of...

Oh, sorry.
And I try to be so helpful.

Well, oh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I hope that won't interfere
with your auditing the books.

It certainly will not!

Oh, that's good, that's good.

It couldn't be possible
that Mr. Sous� is trying...

to keep me from examining
the books?

There, you see?

Mr. Sous�, I've done Mr. Oggilby
a great wrong.

And I'm here to rectify that wrong.

I was hoodwinked into believing
that those bonds were 100%%.

I've never been guilty of
a dishonest act in my life.

So I'll take those bonds off his hands
if I have to pay for them with my blood.

- Transfusion?
- Anything.

There you are. The man is willing to buy
the bonds back with his own blood.

I don't want blood. I want money.
Let him give me back the $500.

The boy needs money.
He doesn't want blood.

He's got high
blood pressure already.

Give him what he paid
for the bonds in cash.

I'm the saddest man in the world.

You may be the second saddest,
but he's the saddest.

I'm prepared to pay you $350 cash.

I'll pay the rest in
weekly installments of $25 per week.

I'll even give you my favorite aunt's
wedding ring as security.

I want to prove that
I am honest in the worst way.

The worst way.

Thanks. I was a fool to listen to Mr. Sous�
in the first place. In the second place too.

- Paper, mister?
- How'd Gumlegs come out in the fourth today?

- I don't know.
- Let me see your paper.

A bonanza!
Beefsteak Mine.

Godfrey Daniel!

Oh! What are you doing? Just as
I was getting some of my money back!

You read this paper.
You're a millionaire!

Go away, Mr. Sous�.
Look at that window.

Read that paper.

Oh! Now I can put the money back
without waiting for my bonus.

Mr. Snoopington is no longer a nightmare.
Bring him in here, I'll kill him.

Calm yourself, Oggilby, my boy.
Calm yourself.

- Golly. Oh, Mr. Sous�!
- Cut it out.

Oh, Mr. Sous�, I don't need
all this money. I don't deserve it.

You engineered the whole thing.
You're a financial wizard.

- I'm gonna split with ya. I'll give you half of 'em.
- Thank you, Og.

Wait. I'll follow ya.

- Anything I can do for you?
- You sure can, brother.

Turn around and start walking toward
the cashier's cage and keep quiet.

Ooh! That tickles.

You remember me, don't you?

Ah, you remember the gentleman, Og?

Yes, sir. That's the man
that held me up the last time.

Ah, mind your, uh,
mind your language, Og.

Here. Hate for you to be the fall guy,
but fill that up.

- Do what the gentleman tells you to, Og, quickly.
- Yes, sir.

- Don't, oh, don't.
- Shut up.

- This is my Beefsteak stock.
- Fill that up.

Do what the gentleman
tells you to, Og.

Thanks.

- Do you mind accompanying me to the door?
- Not at all, no.

How-dee-do, Mrs. Chiselbottom?

- Keep your foot off the alarm or I'll come back and plug you.
- Are you still there?

Hello, Mr. Sous�.
Making more movies?

- Sous�, huh? Get in that car and start driving.
- We're goin' for a ride.

Reach for the sky
and back up there.

- Oggilby, you're arousing the bank. You set the alarm off.
- What's the matter?

- Like to see some of the places of interest in town?
- No, keep driving.

- There's the Black Pussy Cafe.
- Be careful!

Help! We've been robbed!

Johnson, get on that phone and get
the police. There's been a robbery here.

- Help!
- Police!

- He took Mr. Sous�?
- He certainly did, right from under my contract.

I've just called the police.

- Follow that gray car.
- Come on, come on!

Holdup!
Bank robbers up that way.

- Don't let that car out of your sight.
- Hurry. That police car.

- These are catalpa trees.
- Step on that gas.

- Keep moving!
- I'm stepping on it.

- Mr. Sous�'s liable to get hurt.
- And me with $10,000 in the briefcase for him.

- For Sous�? What for?
- For a story he told me while he was directing.

I sent it in with the day's report,
and the boss went nuts about it.

He wants it and Sous� too.

There goes the helmet.

Come back here, you.

There's more catalpa...
I'm sorry.

Never mind about those trees.
Keep stepping on the gas.

- You know who's in that car with Sous�?
- No, who?

- Repulsive Rogan. - There's a
$5,000 dead-or-alive reward on him.

- Stay awake!
- Be careful, driver.

- Hey!
- Magic carpet.

- Wipe off that windshield, you.
- Here.

You wipe it off, I'm driving.

Lake Shoshobogomo is right
over the top of this mountain.

Get out and push!

What do you think this is,
a kiddy-kar?

Can't push
a hulking truck like this.

Start pushing.

Seems to be a great deal of traffic here
for a country road, don't you think?

- Keep going.
- Yeah.

Hiya, toots!

Look out!

The resale value of this car is gonna
be nil after you get over this trip.

You're goin' too fast!
Slow down.

- Foot brake's gone.
- Where's your emergency?

Here it is, but it won't do you
any good in that backseat.

Gimme that wheel.
Here, grab it.

- Put it on there!
- We're gonna have an accident if you're not careful.

You're gonna have a
real accident in a minute!

- The wheel is comin' off!
- That's what I thought.

Going to be very dangerous.

- I'm gonna jump.
- Huh?

Have to take the boat
from here on, anyway.

Looking for someone?

You better stop by the station and
see about that $5,000 reward, Mr. Sous�.

This sure is your
lucky day, Mr. Sous�.

Here's a check for $10,000 from the
Tela-Vis Company for that story you told us,

as well as a contract
for you to bring it to the screen.

Looks like it's all here, Mr. Skinner,
including the Beefsteak Mine.

I don't know whether it is or not, but allow
me to give you another hearty handclasp.

Judkins, has Mr. Sous�
had his cafe rum a la papa?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you, dear, I've had a double noggin.

- What time is it, daddykins?
- It's one minute till 9:00.

I gotta get down to the sal...
The, uh, office.

Good-bye, Daddy dear.

- Good-bye, dear.
- Gimme a kiss.

- I'll give you two of 'em.
- Good-bye, pater noster.

- Good-bye, dear.
- Take care of yourself.

- I shall, dear.
- Good-bye, my darling.

Hurry home if you feel like it.
I'll be waiting up as usual.

Oh, thank you, dear.
I'll be home early.

Hey, that doesn't look bad,
does it?

I think, sir, this
is the more appropriate.

Yeah, that's nice
and cool though. Thanks.

Thank you.

Good-bye.

Thanks.
Thank you.

What a changed man.

- You deserve a lot of credit, Agatha.
- Hasn't been easy.

Uh, say! Hey!

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