Original subtitles

We need to go over the schedule leading up to the primary.

- Let's talk shop. - Ooh, shop talk!

One of my five favorite types of talk,

along with pillow, girl, real, and TED.

Why are you wearing a poncho?

Oh, because every surface area in your house is sticky.

Last time I was here, I found a melted crayon on my blazer.

Okay.

I have a photo op with Gryzzl tomorrow.

Between now and then, we have a ton of stuff scheduled.

Looks like we're gonna have to skip the pie-baking event

and the ceremonial squash toss.

- Oh. - Oh, really?

We have to skip that?

I love watching those squashes fly through the air.

I kind of like the way they land.

Me too!

[both laughing]

Okay, excuse me,

but I have to get back to a city where things happen.

Okay.

This campaign is about to start in earnest.

Things are about to get real intense.

Leslie, you ready?

- Me Leslie? - Yeah.

Well, I was an actual candidate,

so I think I can handle being a candidate's wife.

I know all the issues inside and out.

Mm. See, that's the problem.

Being the wife of is a minefield.

If you were just a ding-dong,

I would just slap a flag pin on you.

I'd pour some Valium down your throat

and just shove you behind the podium way upstage.

It's the smarties that freak people out.

I think you're underestimating the voters.

[laughing]

I don't think that is possible.

(Leslie) Stephen, be careful!

[gasps]

Poncho!

[triumphant music]

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

I know you normally hate foundations,

but this one I think you'll actually like.

We take people that don't know what they want to do

and then put them to work doing cool stuff all over the world,

and I start in a couple months.

Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade

like masonry or logging,

but you are out of local government,

and that's a step in the right direction.

It's definitely the job I wanted...

But it means that we have to move to Washington.

Well... then bully for you.

If you intend to move,

I suppose you should return the spare key to my house,

the one I gave you years ago when you were my assistant,

for emergencies.

Okay.

Good talk.

(Ben) This neighborhood

has been mostly abandoned for years,

but now, thanks to the new Gryzzl headquarters,

this district will soon transform

into a hub of innovation for decades to come.

Mr. Wyatt!

Your campaign released a schedule,

and it looks like your wife is skipping the Pie-mary.

Care to explain?

The Pie-mary is a Southern Indiana tradition

where Congressional candidates' wives

face off in a pie-baking contest.

The last contest winner

was June Hartwell's buttermilk meringue.

Last contest loser was all women.

Leslie would be the first candidate's wife

not to enter the Pie-mary.

What kind of a statement are you making by skipping it?

We're--I'm not making any kind of statement.

We're just focusing on bigger issues,

like Ben's $150 million revitalization project.

Pardon me. I need to get through.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Mike Patterson here.

Leslie, you've made it pretty clear

that you don't think homemaking is important.

Do you ever cook for your children,

and who's even watching your children right now,

while you're out God only knows where?

What are you talking about?

I'm standing right here in front of you.

Okay. Take it easy. Let's not get emotional.

Okay. We have to run.

We'll see you all at my economic address.

Thanks for coming, everybody.

What other traditions are you against, Leslie?

Baseball? Hugging your children?

How much did that haircut cost?

None of your business, and thank you for noticing.

My desk was right here,

sitting right on top of it this whole time.

How much money is it?

It's not money.

I told you, it's Ron's key.

I hid it in here years ago.

Ah! Wait!

Yeah, no. No key.

Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.

"If you are looking for Ron's key,

"I moved it, and you'll never find it.

Cordially, April."

Well, where'd you put it, then?

I don't know. It was eight years ago.

Oh, God.

A key to Ron's house is lost in a government building.

That's his worst nightmare.

Listen, babe.

All we got to do

is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key.

Okay.

All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent.

So give me the key, and I'll get you that key.

[moaning]

No, You're Wrong with Mike Patterson.

Welcome back to the program.

My guest is June Hartwell,

wife of incumbent Congressman, Paul Hartwell.

Now, June, we all know

what Ben Wyatt's wife is really saying.

By skipping the Pie-mary,

she's saying women who love their families are stupid.

Well, Mike, we all make certain choices.

Ms. Knope chose to try to have it all.

I chose to put my family first.

Well, I'm just speculating here,

but do you think that Leslie Knope's actions

indicate that she actually hates her family?

Well, it only took three hours for Jen to be right.

I'm officially a distraction.

I'm gonna enter that Pie-mary.

This is just nonsense. It'll blow over.

And the Pie-mary is ridiculous and antiquated.

But the more they talk about this,

the less they're gonna talk about your economic plan.

Besides, I'm good at making pies,

so I'll win, and then I can promote

my self-published women's rights barbecue cookbook--

The Feminine Mesquite.

Everything's fine.

(April) I had it in a safe place,

and then I moved it to protect it,

and I don't remember where.

I see.

(Andy) Don't be mad, Ron.

She hid it too good,

and she left a string of clues.

It's an impossible puzzle, and I love puzzles!

A minimal, unhelpful note, these appear to be human teeth,

and what is this?

Twilight: New Moon.

It's a movie, but I've never seen it.

It's, like, about lame werewolves

and vampires and stuff.

Donna likes those things!

(Ron) Dollars to doughnuts this points us her way.

Finally, a scavenger hunt worthy of my time.

Onward!

(Leslie) Okay.

Snacks given, kids tucked in, books read,

three simultaneous meltdowns for no reason,

kids tucked back in,

one of them briefly got outside somehow,

kids back in bed.

They're all napping.

Okay, I got everything you need for pie domination.

I even got an extra whipped-cream can.

One for baking, one for directly-into-mouth.

Oh, you know me so well.

[doorbell rings]

That might be one of the kids.

Hi, Leslie.

Elise Yarktin

from the Indiana Organization of Women.

Oh, my goodness! Elise, please come in.

[gasps] Wait!

Are you here to give me the Woman of the Year award?

I have a speech prepared.

Would you like to see it right now?

No.

Leslie, we were thrilled

to find out you were boycotting that ridiculous Pie-mary,

but we just got word you've decided to enter?

Yeah.

Well, I agree that it's dumb, but this is not about me.

It's about Ben, and he will do more for women than Hartwell.

So, you know, lose a battle, win the war.

That kind of thing. It's the way to go.

Look, the Pie-mary is retrogressive

and misogynistic, and if you participate,

we will have no choice

but to protest you and Ben at the event.

Hope you like pies...

in yo' face.

Metaphorically. We'll be civil.

Elise, there is no bigger defender of gender equality

than Leslie Knope, and my husband, Ben,

is a progressive champion of women's rights.

(Ben) Babe, the oven's ready.

Chop-chop! Time to get baking.

Daddy want pie!

Hi. Ben Wyatt.

We have a wonderfully small number of clues.

One is this ticket.

Did you see this movie about vampires and such?

New Moon?

Yeah, I saw it with April.

She was so hopped up on painkillers

from getting her wisdom teeth out,

I convinced her to see it with me.

The teeth! They're yours.

You were super out of it.

You kept yelling, "Team Voldemort!" at the screen,

and we were kicked out.

I was furious.

You only get to see the second Twilight film

for the seventh time once.

Do you remember anything about a key

or April doing anything unusual that day?

She did make us stop by the shoe-shine stand

before she left, because she wanted

to drop something off for Andy.

She had a real bad crush on him.

[laughing] Oh, babe! You had a crush on me!

That's embarrassing.

We're married.

Still!

To the shoe-shine stand!

- Stop! Stop! - Ooh, chase me!

Garry, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, gosh.

Well, I dropped my wedding ring down this grate,

and then I was trying to get it out,

and I dropped my keys down there too,

so I can't leave.

Damn. This takes me back.

You mind if I stay and watch?

Oh, not at all.

Appreciate the company.

(Leslie) The I.O.W. does not mess around,

which, normally, is why I love them,

but now I'm on the other side.

Oh, my God, Ben!

I gave them $100 in their annual pledge.

Do you know how many anti-me signs that could buy?

You just don't do the pie contest, obviously.

Then we're just back where we started.

Then it just seems like I'm saying

I'm better than the women who bake.

What should we do? Should we get a divorce?

Well, how about this?

What if I register for the contest?

I bake the pie.

I act as my own wife.

Oh, that could work.

We sidestep the controversy,

we refocus the campaign onto the actual candidate,

and then we flip the antiquated tradition right on its head.

Exactly, but more importantly,

we change the idea of what a pie is.

I feel like that's not more important,

but I-I like the energy that we have, so let's hear it.

Okay. Picture this.

Crust on the bottom, filling, crust on top.

What am I describing?

A pie.

No, but you're in the right zone.

Oh.

- Calzone! - Sure.

Pies are just sweet calzones, honey,

and I'm good at making calzones.

You're amazing.

I can win this thing.

Of course you can, baby!

Get in there and start baking!

Talk about the highway

To the calzone-zone!

I am having some serious d?j? vu.

How many times have you lost your wedding ring?

Oh, G-- [item clatters]

Too many times to count.

And it causes real trouble with Gayle.

Yeah, I mean, anytime I lose my ring,

she turns into a real grumpy goose.

- Is that so? - Oh, yeah.

She'll say, you know, "Garry, you'd lose your head

if it wasn't screwed on tight."

[chuckles] And then she makes me go

for the fresh oranges for the morning OJ.

Yeah, I mean, she says, "Hey, Mr. Forgetful."

Well, I mean, those words--

I mean, they rattle around here for hours.

That's why I've got to be extra careful

with this replacement ring, because if I lost--

[ring clinking]

[laughing]

I'm gonna order us some dinner.

[gasps]

The shoe-shine stand is gone...

or maybe it was never here.

(Ron) They must have moved it during the remodel.

It's probably in basement storage.

To the basement!

- Tighter! - Are you sure, dude?

Yeah, dude. Tighter. I can do it.

Do what exactly?

Nothing. We're not doing anything.

And we definitely do not live down here now.

Guys, where's the old shoe-shine stand from upstairs?

We don't know anything about that.

(Ron) Boys, think.

We are on a quest,

and we are not leaving until we get an answer.

Well, we're on our own quest,

which is to squeeze this just tight enough

to make my eyes bulge out a little bit,

but not so tight that I die.

(Andy) Oh, I've been there.

That's a real tightrope walk.

Oh! Hey!

Last week this real scary ghost came down here looking for it.

It had black hair, but you could see through its skin,

and it didn't like me,

but that's just 'cause I got a soul of a Ghostbuster.

Yeah, it said something

about how it was worried Brett was gonna mug it.

Okay, so we're looking for a racist ghost

with black hair who likes shoe shines.

I think I have the answer.

The chase continues!

[both laughing]

Okay, wait.

The time that you told us you were mugged in the park,

what were you reaching for in the river?

- A burrito. - That's right!

You fell in the river reaching for a burrito.

Yes, ma'am, that was not one of my finer moments.

[laughs]

Ooh, it's getting late. We need to bounce.

- I can give you a ride. - Oh, thank you, Donna.

Probably gonna get an earful when I get home tonight.

[sighs]

Gayle might even call me the B word.

"Bozo."

- Wow. - Mm.

We are very different people.

Did you hear back from Elise?

Oh, yeah, we're good.

The I.O.W. is not gonna protest us.

How's your pie?

I don't know. I didn't make a pie.

[laughs] Okay.

How is your dessert calzone?

It's ready.

The question is, are they?

All right.

Our next contestant is candidate Ben Wyatt's wife, Leslie.

Let's see what Mrs. Wyatt has baked up for us, shall we?

It's actually Ms. Knope,

and, actually, right now it's Mr. Wyatt.

Leslie has her own busy life,

and I happen to be an excellent pie maker,

so we figured we'd switch it up a bit.

Now, pack your suitcases,

because we're going to a little town

called a-Napoli in Ital-y.

(all) Free Ben Wyatt! Free Ben Wyatt!

Excuse me. Free me from what?

From the tyranny of women.

We are the Male Men.

We are a men's rights activist group,

and we are fed up!

I'm sorry. What's happening now?

Behind every successful woman is a man she has oppressed.

First, Leslie Knope poaches her husband's campaign

by making it all about her.

Now she's forcing him to bake pies

and enter a contest for her?

Oh, excuse me!

I'm not forcing him to do anything.

He loves to cook.

He--he has five personalized aprons.

Oh, so I guess he was asking for it

because of the way he was dressed.

We are sick and tired of this feminized society!

Men have had a very rough go of it

for--just recently, and it ends now!

Male and proud!

(all) Male and proud! Male and proud!

Leslie Knope exemplifies

the feminist attack on our values.

She could learn a little something

about traditional family structure

from me and my husband, Marshall.

Um, fierce alert! Eat 'em up, honey!

The idea that feminism

is an attack on family values is absurd.

(Joan) Ooh, so you're defending Leslie Knope.

No. Absolutely not.

Frankly, I don't think she's done enough

to distance herself from this misogynistic lunacy.

(Joan) Let's turn, now, to Sasha Dunkirk.

She is head of the group Women Against Feminism.

What a surprise!

The woman is only talking to other women.

Can we have one conversation about feminism

where men get to be in charge?

I actually agree with him.

I don't need your pity.

Joan, Leslie Knope and I are united

in our disgust of this week's events.

Leslie, if you're watching, I, Brandi Maxxxx,

star of 69 Jump Street and 50 Shaved Old Gays,

have your back.

Oof!

Really stepped in it this time, Knope.

Why isn't the other candidate's wife

being scrutinized like this?

Because June Hartwell is a lukewarm bowl of nothing.

She started an awareness campaign

called "Bring a Sweater."

She calls it goose-bump prevention.

Come on, you guys, you know the drill.

Just ignore the fact that you're right,

put on your blandest outfits, so that one, hopefully,

and then just go out there and publicly apologize.

Done.

- What? - Apologize for what?

Doesn't matter. Just say you're sorry.

It's like taking a shot of tequila.

You just got to force it down.

Suddenly, the world feels so much more pleasant.

I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

[sighs] [doorbell rings]

Donna, what are you doing here so early?

I come bearing gifts.

First off, I got a dude in maintenance

to open up that grate this morning.

So here's your rings, keys, credit cards,

and I found some heart medicine I assume is yours.

Yeah, no, that's mine. That's mine. Oh, my gosh.

Also, I thought I'd bring over

some fresh oranges for you and Gayle.

Okay, well, that is just so kind, Donna.

Thank you.

- You're one of a kind, Garry. - Oh.

And I just want to thank you for taking me down memory lane,

you big B word.

- Oh. - "Buddy."

(Milton) So much has changed around here.

Uhh, I just wanted to remember the good old days,

when a shoe shine was two bits

and there were no Mexicans in the music business.

If you don't mind, Councilman Milton,

we just need to search this stand.

Yes! Found it.

"Hi, Andy. I hate people, but you are okay.

It's weird. Woof, woof. April."

Oh, my God, babe, you were so into me.

That's hilarious.

That's it.

It's a dead end. No more clues.

See me in my office.

If it makes you feel any better,

I had a big crush on you too.

It does make me feel a little better. Thanks.

Oh, thank God.

Get off my boat!

[applause]

Good afternoon.

I'm here today to share with you all

my vision for the economic future of Southern Indiana,

but first, Leslie Knope, my wife...

has a brief statement.

Hello, everyone.

Thank you. Wow.

How about this weather we're having?

Very temperate.

Okay.

Recently, I made an attempt to--

Actually, hang on. Stop.

I'm sorry. This whole thing just makes me queasy

I love how independent my wife is,

and because of that, I will not let her speak.

That came out wrong.

The point is Leslie is a great mother,

public servant, all-around person,

and I am tired of everybody constantly telling her

that she's making the wrong choice.

So you can say whatever you want.

I couldn't care less about the political consequences.

Thank you, Ben.

Well, the first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry.

I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben,

because he is going to make a great congressman.

Second, the Male Men.

Where are you? Ah!

You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.

Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers

to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me

and every other woman in this election over the next few months.

Why did I change my hairstyle?

Well, I don't know, I just thought it would look better.

Or my kids got gum in it.

Are you trying to have it all?

That question makes no sense. It's a stupid question.

Stop asking it. Don't ask it.

Do you miss your kids while you're at work?

Yes, of course I do.

Everybody does.

And then, you know, sometimes I don't.

Yeah, and by the way, no one's ever asked me that question.

No one asks me, "Where are your kids?"

Or "Who's taking care of them?"

By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now?

My mom, babe. Everything's fine.

Right.

So maybe Leslie doesn't fit

your personal idea of what a candidate's wife should be.

So what?

That's good, because there shouldn't be

just one idea anyway.

That's right.

If you want to bake a pie, that's great.

If you want to have a career, that's great too.

Do both or neither. It doesn't matter.

Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do.

I mean, we're all just trying to find the right path for us

as individuals on this Earth.

[sighs]

[booing, cheers, and applause]

I'd say that's 50/50 boos and cheers.

Yeah, that seems about right.

Let Ben speak! Let Ben speak!

He just spoke.

Oh. Sorry. I-I just got here.

I had a broken bike chain.

My bad.

So I guess we are celebrating

that you trusted me and I let you down.

Great.

I change my house locks every 16 days.

That key has been useless

since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

What matters is that I trust you

and admire you as a person.

I will be sorry to see you leave this town

for many reasons...

not the least of which

is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve.

And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy.

[laughs]

"Woof, woof." [laughs]

It really is embarrassing.

Oh, my God. I totally know where the key is.

[shovel scraping]

[clanking]

[laughing]

How'd you remember?

"Woof, woof."

Bark.

Why here?

Because this tree reminds me of you.

It's strong and quiet

and always here when you need it...

or whatever.

(Ron) I have always felt a certain kinship with April,

and this is proof that I was correct--

not the nice things she said about me,

the fact that I buried a large amount of gold

under that same tree years ago.

I've since moved it.

Or have I?

[knock at door]

- Elise. - Oh...

What did I do wrong now?

No, actually, we at the I.O.W.

loved what you said in your speech.

Really?

But what we loved even more was how you, Ben,

gave Leslie a platform in which to speak her mind.

Congratulations, Ben Wyatt.

You are this year's I.O.W. Woman of the Year.

Son of a bitch.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0