All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e15 The Wall.eng

Okay, Ron. Enough's enough.
Let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

- Dear God, woman.
- Three main activities--

baby bingo, baby food tasting,

and my personal favorite--
baby onesie decorating station.

I'm gonna make mine
look like an astronaut.

What are you doing
up there in space, baby?

Ah! So cute!
Okay.

I have some gift ideas.
I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

We already have a stroller.

Oh, shoot. Really?

I'm gonna have to think
of something else.

Oh, my God, whose baby is that?

That would be mine.

Guys, get in here!
Ron has a baby!

- Oh, Ron, cool baby.
- Thank you, Andrew.

Everyone,
I'd like to introduce you

to my son, John middle name
redacted Swanson.

John was born some time ago,

weighing multiple pounds
and several ounces.

Much like his father,
he is a fan of silence.

Please keep your voices down.

How am I supposed
to keep my voice down

when you had your baby,

and you didn't
tell me that you had your baby?

Why would you need to know
something like that?

Why would I--
oh, my God.

I have not even
sent Diane a gift.

She's just walking around,

wondering why I haven't
sent her a gift yet.

Should we do something?

Just let her tire herself out.

If you need anything from us,
Ron, please just let us know.

Actually there is something.

Could one of you please
stop by the pet store

and pick up some fish food
for me?

When did you get a fish?

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Okay, youth committee.

Update on the unity concert.
Madison.

So far, 12 bands have said yes.

And we asked them all
to submit a song

for the new
town anthem contest.

I think we should book Orin
as a headliner.

I think it's a no-brainer.

Um, he dislocates his shoulder
to the music of Billy Joel.

The Pawnee Journal called it,

"Why would anyone do this?"

Stop suggesting Orin.

Craig, any update
on the art tents?

14 local artists have
signed up to show their work.

It was going to be 15,
but then this one guy

described himself
as "Jackson Pollock-esque"

and I told him that's
finger painting for adults

and I hate it!

The Pawnee-Eagleton merger
has made for a rough year,

both for me and for the town.

But if I can pull off
this unity concert

and prove that this merger
was a success,

Pawnee might once again
tolerate-slash-ignore me.

I know that sounds bad,
but for a politician

it's pretty much
the best-case scenario.

You guys might as well be
a pile of leaves

because you're about
to get blown away.

I have booked a meeting with
none other than Grant Larson.

- No one knows who that is?
- Um, I do.

"Grant Larson,"
otherwise known as Elton John.

Congratulations, Leslie.

No, Grant Larson
is the director

of the Midwest branch
of the National Park Service.

He's basically
the Liam Bonneville

of the Midwest.

Liam Bonneville?

The department of the interior's
resident bad boy?

He's basically the Tim Dweck--
Okay, never mind.

I have asked Grant
to declare Eagleton Hills

a national park

as the grand finale
of our unity concert.

Great idea, Leslie.

And with that update,

the Pawnee new founder's day
unity concert

is now officially...

ahead of schedule!

And that banner unfurling
marks the 100th time

that one of my projects
has been...

ahead of schedule.

This is your chance
to put your names

on the Pawnee unity concert,
the biggest event of 2014...

besides the unveiling
of Tricia's new highlights.

You think I wouldn't notice?
You look fly as hell, girl!

This unity concert
needs corporate sponsorship,

so Ben and I are meeting
with local bigwigs.

I'm gonna do what I do best--
lock down deals.

And dork-asaurus over here is
gonna handle the boring stuff.

You said you genuinely valued
my business acumen.

Also, I'm your boss.

Oh, my God, he's so cute.

You're the cutest
little boo-bear I've ever seen.

You are the world's
most adorable baby

and I love you!

You are so freaking precious!

Look what Gayle made
for the baby.

It says "Property
of Pawnee government."

Isn't that adorable?

Come on, John.

Jeez.

Here we are...

the park that borders
Pawnee and Eagleton.

This is the perfect place
for the press conference

to announce our unity concert.

People are gonna clap,
they're gonna cheer.

Today might be the day
that I finally crowd surf.

I should probably
empty my pockets just in case.

Hey, one question.

Um, where do you think
you're gonna stand,

in front of the graffiti
that says "Pawnee, you suck,"

or "Go home, Eagleton snobs"?

I painted over that graffiti
a week ago.

These people are the worst!

I cannot announce
a unity concert

in front of a picture
of a bald eagle

giving the middle finger.

Yeah, you probably
wanna stand to the side

so people can see it.

You know, why do we even
have this wall?

We're supposed to be
uniting the two towns,

and this literally
divides them.

We should just knock it down.

On it, boss.

Ahh!

Ow.

The kool-aid guy
makes it look so easy.

In the time I've worked here,

I've taken great pains

to see as little
of this building as possible.

Turns out the third floor
is silent, empty,

and completely free
of government work.

I can't think of anything
more beautiful

to share with my son.

If I had a toolbox

I could take care
of that faulty radiator.

Ooh!
This place is a paradise!

Nicely done, Tom.
We have 15 sponsorship offers.

Make that 16.
Mitch Savner.

- Savner Bleaches and Chemicals!
- That's it.

You guys make my favorite
teeth-whitening strips--

pearlies for girlies.

It's unisex.

The cartoon princess
on the label says so.

I'll sponsor your concert.

But I'm also looking
to invest in other ventures.

I have a feeling
a bright guy like you

has some ideas of his own.

I may have a few eggs
ready to hatch

in the personal idea nest.

Why don't you come
to my office tomorrow

and pitch me your hottest idea?

Perfect!
I'll see you then.

Oh, that's pretty cool.

It's all happening, Ben.

Soon I'll have a new career,
new crib, new friends.

If all goes well, this may be
one of the last times

I ever have to speak to you.

Come with me, I need your help.

Thank you so much, everyone,
for coming.

And a special thank you
to the city council

for their support.

I was told there'd be
a free barbecue buffet?

Just take some beef jerky
and...hush!

This spring we will be holding
a massive unity concert

to commemorate the merger
between Pawnee and Eagleton.

This three-day
music and arts festival

will end on a day we will call
"New Founder's Day,"

an official beginning
to our new town.

A few years ago,

Eagleton put up this wall
along the border.

Now it is time
to tear down this wall.

In the name of unity,

I have given some former
Eagletonians the first strike.

Take it away, guys.

This is such a great day
for--

Bees!

Bees!
Oh!

Nobody panic!

Ohhh, noooo!

Ah! It stung me
in the eyeball!

Oh, man, this is amazing, man.

The stupid Eagletonians

are totally getting the pwned
by these bees.

I'm gonna send this
straight to tosh.

[Laughing]
Ow, [bleep]! [Bleep]!

Don't worry, babe,
I'll protect you.

I got stung once, I'm immune.

Go ahead and sting me, bees.
It does nothing.

Leslie, it appears that most of the people
that were stung were from Eagleton.

How did you pull that off?

I didn't pull anything off.

The Eagletonians were simply
closest to the wall.

Plus, one Pawneean was stung...
in his mouth

because he was laughing
at the Eagletonians.

How did you get your bees
into the wall,

and how long did it take
to plan

this hilarious bee prank
on Eagleton?

They were not my bees, Trodd.

And for the last time
this was not a prank.

I did not know
that bees were in that wall.

I mean, in fact
you should treat this

like a public service
announcement.

Everybody...should check
their walls for bees.

Nice try, prank queen.
Probably bees in there.

Okay, that's all the time
I have.

What else can you do
with your bees?

Leslie, what's your next prank?

Ooh.

Leslie, Grant Larson
is on the phone

from the National Park Service.

I cannot meet with him
right now.

We are in crisis mode, okay?

Larry, just tell him
I need to reschedule

because I am trying
to fix my bee hole disaster.

- Okeydokey.
- Wait! No, wait!

No!
Larry, don't tell him that.

Don't mention my bee hole.

Just as we suspected, John.

We repaired
the valve stem seal,

and now all that remains
is to tighten down

this packing nut.

And...that should do it.

Can we help you?

No. We have everything
under control.

My crew's redoing
this whole floor.

We're the only people
allowed up here right now.

Well, proceed with your work.
You won't notice us at all.

We're gonna be kinda loud.

My son is several weeks old.

He's quite familiar
with the sound of power tools.

Okay, how about this one--
Lasik for fingernails?

Cut your fingernails once,
never have to cut 'em again.

All we need
is a complicated laser

I have no idea how to build.

- Seems impossible.
- All right.

Uh-oh! "Saltweens!"
Saltines for tweens.

Seems...unnecessary?

The only business idea I have

that's even remotely
fleshed out is a restaurant.

No way.

Restaurants
were ranked number one

in Accounting Magazine's
"Riskiest Businesses" issue.

That was their last issue
before they folded, actually.

Magazines are also very risky.

I can't believe
an angel investor

floated down from the heavens,

and I don't even have
anything to pitch him.

Come on, you must've had
one good business idea.

You're 52 years old!

No, I'm not.
But I do have an idea.

It's air-tight.

But I have to warn you,
it's not super sexy.

- What is it?
- Okay, listen up.

You would be the middleman
between dry cleaners

and the companies
that sell chemicals...

to dry cleaners.

- Wow!
- Right?

You're right, man.
That is not sexy.

Leslie Knope's little stunt

put three people
in the hospital.

This bee incident
is just the latest assault

coming from the Pawnee side
of this merger.

Mike Patterson is Eagleton's
most tenacious reporter.

When he sinks his teeth
into something,

he's like a dog with a bone!

Oh, my God!

You can't lean in to whisper
and then yell.

That's not fair.

This merger is so fragile,

everyone is on edge,

and no one is talking
about the unity concert.

Why would anybody think
that was a prank?

So sad.
People will believe anything.

It was a prank though, right?

No more press, okay?

You just have to lay low
for a while.

I promise it'll all blow over.

April, your competence
and your levelheadedness

is very moving to me,
and I will follow your advice

right after
I go to the hospital

and apologize to every victim
in person.

- Fine, but no cameras.
- Fine, I won't bring any.

Aghh! I can't handle
all this fighting.

It's like Thanksgiving 2004
all over again!

Don't even ask!

Somebody follow me,
I'm distraught!

Who's a big guy?

Man, forget about working.

I just wanna stare
at this baby all day.

What is the nature
of your work on this floor?

Total redo--new floors,
fixtures, plumbing.

How long will it take?

Six to eight weeks.

Deal.

I will do all this work for you
in the time allotted.

Just have your tools
and materials brought up here.

Are you crazy?

This is enough work
for a whole crew.

I'm sure the government
believed you

when you told them that,

and I tip my cap to you for
profiting off their ignoe.

But I'm offering you
two months paid vacation

and the ability to take credit
for my work,

which will be flawless.

Okay.
Guys, let's go!

I got all help I'll need
right here.

Okay, this is
the really exciting part.

We buy tetrachloroethylene
at $1.60 a gallon,

but we sell it back
at 2.38 a gallon.

Now I know
what you're thinking.

What if it's a cleaner
who wants to buy glycol ethers?

Ben, stop!

This is so boring!

This is like listening
to a TED talk

by the color beige.

Look, I know this idea
doesn't excite you.

But I promise it'll make you
a lot of money.

Well, I sold tons
of awesome stuff.

Guess it makes sense
my next challenge

is to sell something
mind-numbingly dull.

Dull?

Does this look dull to you?

Ahhhh.

I'm so incredibly sorry.

That's very kind of you,
Ms. Knope.

I hope you look a lot
less gross very soon.

Hey!

Thanks for coming, Knope.
I knew we were besties.

What do you got in there for me,
some dirty mags?

No! These gift baskets
are for innocent victims...

not for jerks who got stung

because they were laughing
at other people's pain.

Whatever.

Got a lotta filth
in my kindle anyway.

We can just hang.

- Wanna come up?
- What?

- We gotta get this.
- Roll camera.

Tell me when.
Is my hair okay?

We good?

Welcome to Eagleton Now,
with Mike Patterson.

We're live
ambushing Leslie Knope

who's in the middle
of a crass publicity stunt,

shoving cameras cameras
into the faces

of these poor, injured victims.

These are your cameras.
This is not a publicity stunt.

I just came here by myself

to apologize to all
the Eagletonians who got stung.

Really? Because all we see
is you talking to your friend,

known Eagleton hater
Jeremy Jamm.

Excuse me, Mike.
That's, uh, best friend.

Pawneeans and Eagletonians
need to find a way

to come together
and bury the hatchet.

It doesn't matter
who bailed out who,

or who seceded from you.

Awesome idea, Lezzie.

As a matter of fact I say
we should secede from Eagleton!

Whose dumbass idea was it
for them to merge anyway?

Mine. It was my idea.

You heard it here first.

Self-proclaimed dumbass
Leslie Knope

and councilman Jeremy Jamm

are spearheading
a Pawnee secession movement.

And I, for one, am sick of it.

All right, you know what,
Eagleton, enough!

Get these cameras outta here!

Don't touch my camera,
you Pawnee animal!

Name-calling, huh?

Classy move, douche bag.

Oh! All right.

Is that how you wanna play?

- Yeah! Come on!
- No fighting in a hospital.

There shouldn't be
fighting in a hospital!

Wish I had my ninja stars!

Oh, my God!
What's happening?

Oh!

Mother...puncher!

Hey, girl.
What up?

What are you wearing?

It's to distract people
from my black eye.

See?
It's working.

Cool. Um...
well, there is some good news.

That Mike Patterson guy's show
just aired, everyone is angry,

and Jamm is introducing
a secession bill

at the next
city council meeting.

- How is any of that good news?
- It's not.

I just wanted you to have
a brief moment of happiness

before you got sadder.

Those jerks that hate the merger
are a minority.

They're just shouting louder
than everyone else.

I'm sorry this town keeps being
stupid and letting you down.

It sucks.

It's okay, April.
It's fine.

You know, it's a challenge.

It's just like a big, fun...

stinking turd nugget.
It sucks.

You're right, everything sucks.

Everything I try
with this merger backfires.

I wonder what other
excellent surprise lies in store

for Leslie Knope.

Leslie, Grant Larson
from the National Park Service

is here for your meeting.

Excellent.

Now I shall meet
with a very important person

whilst sporting
a gruesome shiner.

Hey, you're also wearing
a tie-dye t-shirt.

Oh, yes! I am!

Wonderful!

Mitch!
Thanks for meeting me.

My pleasure.

It's not often
that I see someone

with your sparkle and passion.

That's what makes
businesses work--

passion!

So, Mr. Haverford,
let's get to it.

What idea
are you passionate about?

I've got two words for you--

"Tom's Bistro,"

an old-fashioned,
old-world Italian restaurant.

Classy, authentic ambience
in a small-town setting.

Why does that say

"dry cleaning chemical
transactional holding company?"

Ben! You brought
the wrong easel. God!

Can't take this guy anywhere.
Let me paint you a picture.

Oh, Mr. Larson, I'm sorry.

I had to reschedule.
It's been kind of a hectic week.

- What happened to your face?
- It doesn't matter.

I would like to apply
to turn some of our new land

into a national park.

I read your request,
Ms. Knope,

and I'm sorry,
but we can't make that happen.

Great.

Well, this week just keeps
getting better and better.

Thank you for coming by
and plunging a dagger

into my already-bleeding
corpse.

I came here
because I wanted to meet you.

I've actually wanted to meet you
since before you called me.

- Really? You know who I am?
- Yes.

You're the person
who wrote this.

You read my proposal
to clean up the Pawnee river?

I wrote this two years ago.

Got shuffled around
in interior for a year and half.

Liam Bonneville actually used it
to humiliate staffers, but...

he's kind of a bad boy.

Liam B--

- You don't have to tell me!
- This report is legendary.

It's easily
the most thoroughly research

and passionate grant request
I've ever seen.

Wow, you have no idea
how meaningful it is

to hear you say that.

But you're a little late.

The river cleanup's
well underway.

This is bigger
than the river cleanup.

We're opening a new office
in Chicago.

I spent the last few weeks

reading about you
and your career

and I think that you're
the perfect person to run it.

Leslie, would you like
to run a branch

of the National Park Service?

Tom's Bistro will have
all the classic elements,

but with modern twists--

an oak bar, live music,

and Sunday brunch
with scrambled eggs so fluffy

they'll be like little pillows
for your bacon.

Bacon pillows.
I like the sound of that.

But I have to say,

restaurants
are incredibly risky.

Most of them
are dead on arrival.

We're well-aware of that,

but believe me,
Tom has thought this out.

See, there's plenty
of real estate available

in the old Eagleton
part of town.

And with the recent closures,
there's massive demand

for affordable dining
that feels high-end.

Okay!

As long as you're running,
I'm in.

Amazing!

Hey, kid...

your boss here
sure knows his stuff.

Ron.
What are you doing here?

The most important
government work I've ever done--

sanding rat urine stains
out of this floor.

What are you doing here?

I come here to think sometimes.

By myself.

- But now that you're here...
- Damn it.

I am going to speak to you
very vaguely

about a problem that I have,

and you cannot ask me any
questions or details about it.

That is my ideal conversation,
aside from no conversation.

But that feels unlikely.

Look, you know how much
I love Pawnee.

But the more I try to fix it
the more people fight me.

They call me names,
they recall me,

they try to kill the merger.

They literally punch me
in the face.

And yet every time
I contemplate leaving,

just walking away
once and for all,

I just can't do it.

What is wrong with me?

Yesterday, I fixed
that old steam radiator.

Threaded a new valve
into the side,

removed the handle
from the base,

unscrewed the packing nut
from the stem.

This subpar toolbox
only had one wrench,

so I was lucky
it was a three-quarters

or I'd have been screwed.

Yeah, man, you are lucky.

Come on, Ron.

What the hell?
I need your help.

By the time I was done,

this 100-year-old piece
of American-made cast iron

was singing like a bird.

Now...to most people,
this story would seem boring.

That's ridiculous.
It's a story about a radiator.

But to me,
it was immensely satisfying

because I enjoy
fixing radiators.

You like fixing this town,
Leslie, you always have.

You know it's an uphill battle,
but you love the struggle.

I would also add
that you've already done

a hell of a lot
to make this town better,

and people
like this young man here

will benefit
from your hard work.

- He is a beautiful boy.
- He's quite a looker.

Thank you, Ron.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

Clearing my throat.

I've been thinking about your offer.

And I have to say I can't think
of one single reason

not to take it.

That's great!

I'll start drawing up
the paperwork.

I'm sorry, I meant...

because I can think
of a lot of reasons

not to take it.

Okay, wow, that's very
misleading phraseology.

I'm sorry.

It's an amazing offer
and I'm very interested,

but if I'm going
to leave Pawnee...

I need to know
it's gonna be okay without me.

And I won't know until I finish
what I've started.

When do you need your answer?

Well, the gears
of federal government

grind pretty slowly,
so you have a little time.

But we can't wait forever.
I'll be in touch.

Great. Thank you.

That's not your hand.
Here it is.

Sorry, my depth perception
is totally screwed up.

Really happy that worked out
for you, Tom,

but you kinda sold me out
back there.

I know, and I'm sorry.

But Mitch asked me
what I was passionate about,

and honestly
I'm never gonna be passionate

about dry cleaning chemicals.

To each his own, I guess.

I know opening a restaurant
is risky,

but I can make this work.

I know I can!

Then count me in
as the second investor

in Tom's Bistro.

Thanks, man.

I know this is
a symbolic gesture,

but my investor floor
is $1,000.

So as of now,
you own zero shares.

Cool!
Thanks for clearing that up.

Now go do work,
or I will fire you.

I'm not kidding.

Yep!

Oh, look, John.
It's red pine.

They were gonna put
flecked linoleum

over this beautifully preserved
knotty red pine.

Most people in this world,
John, are ass[bleep].

This is the best day
I've ever spent

in a government building,

and luckily my son
was here to share it with me.

He now has that satisfied look

that only comes
with the pride of labor.

Or he pooped.

Either way, well done, John.

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