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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.
The capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
Do you like my suit? Number one.
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00:00:19,064 --> 00:00:21,068
Citizen Khan.
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00:00:21,068 --> 00:00:27,020
We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year!
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00:00:27,020 --> 00:00:29,084
And then I put
the star on the top of the tree.
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00:00:29,084 --> 00:00:32,012
Not yet, Mr Khan.
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At the actual ceremony tonight,
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00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:36,004
the Reverend Green will say
a few words first.
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What! I thought I would just remind
everyone about the true
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00:00:38,084 --> 00:00:41,020
meaning of Christmas
and why we've all come out.
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00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:42,084
What are you talking about?
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00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:44,060
Well, you know, the nativity,
13
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:47,004
the birth of Christ -
it IS Christmas Eve.
14
00:00:47,004 --> 00:00:49,068
But this is the
Sparkhill Interfaith Christmas tree.
15
00:00:49,068 --> 00:00:52,004
And we Pakistanis love Christmas.
16
00:00:52,004 --> 00:00:55,088
Tandoori turkey,
the roads are all empty,
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00:00:55,088 --> 00:00:57,068
and we charge double taxi fare.
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00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,024
Yes, but...
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00:01:00,024 --> 00:01:02,072
And we do what most Christians do.
What's that?
20
00:01:02,072 --> 00:01:05,044
Don't go to church!
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00:01:05,044 --> 00:01:09,028
So I officially declare
Christmas open.
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HE CLEARS THROAT
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00:01:12,076 --> 00:01:14,048
Very good. Rehearsal's over.
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So, who wants a Christmas drink?
25
00:01:17,048 --> 00:01:19,084
Ooh, have we got time? Of course!
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00:01:19,084 --> 00:01:22,096
Come on, I got special
Pakistani versions
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of all your Christmas favourites.
28
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Mulled wine - without the wine.
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It's just hot water with
some sticks in
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and those black bits at the bottom.
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I won't, thanks.
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I got egg nog. Er...
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Without the nog.
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So, it's just...
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Egg.
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00:01:46,008 --> 00:01:47,028
Right.
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Here, I even got one
especially for you.
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00:01:49,004 --> 00:01:50,048
Is it...
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00:01:50,048 --> 00:01:53,064
Ginger beer!
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00:01:53,064 --> 00:01:54,092
What happened to my lights?
41
00:01:54,092 --> 00:01:58,032
Ah, I've got a little
surprise for you. Hold on.
42
00:02:01,048 --> 00:02:02,072
Merry Christmas!
43
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,064
And a Happy New Year!
44
00:02:06,064 --> 00:02:08,036
HE CLEARS THROAT
45
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LIGHTS FIZZLE
46
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Oh, twaddi!
47
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Everything all right? Yes, fine.
48
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Your hat is on fire. What?
49
00:02:21,072 --> 00:02:23,060
Oh, gosh!
50
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,068
Ooh, ooh!
51
00:02:25,068 --> 00:02:28,004
How hot do you want your
Christmas chicken curry?
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Very hot. Are you sure?
You don't like it too hot.
53
00:02:31,028 --> 00:02:32,056
Yes, I do.
54
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Not like Amjad.
He loves his chillies.
55
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I love my chillies.
I'm just as big a man as him.
56
00:02:37,088 --> 00:02:39,064
Remember that
time at the Maliks' party
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and you asked for extra chillies to
impress the English guests?
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You spent the whole evening
locked in the toilet.
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I was fine.
60
00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:51,028
That's not what you told
the NHS helpline.
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00:02:51,028 --> 00:02:56,016
It's going to be so great to have
both our girls here. I miss Shazia.
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I know, my darling, but you know what
they say - you lose a daughter,
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gain a spare room/Mr Khan's study.
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00:03:03,024 --> 00:03:05,008
We can have a proper family
meal again.
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I can't wait!
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00:03:06,016 --> 00:03:07,028
Ah, that's sweet!
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00:03:07,028 --> 00:03:08,032
No, I mean, I can't wait,
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00:03:08,032 --> 00:03:11,004
because we've got to be at the
Christmas tree ceremony by seven.
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Where are they?
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TEXT MESSAGE
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00:03:15,004 --> 00:03:17,028
Ah, it's Shazia.
They're two minutes away.
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Of course they're two minutes away.
They're always two minutes away.
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Because they live next door!
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Oi! Hurry up!
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God!
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00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,024
I must remember to give her these.
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00:03:33,024 --> 00:03:36,092
Can you believe Shazia and Amjad
are going to be parents?
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00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:37,096
Not really.
79
00:03:39,028 --> 00:03:42,032
And so soon after they got
married. They must have really...
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00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:44,048
I don't want to think about it.
81
00:03:46,056 --> 00:03:48,068
I wonder if they've thought
of a name yet.
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I'll find a name for him.
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Him? What if it's a girl?
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It won't be a girl. How do you know?
God owes me.
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00:03:57,044 --> 00:04:00,020
Papaji, can I have some money? Why?
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00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:02,092
There's a Christmas party.
At my mosque study group.
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00:04:02,092 --> 00:04:04,052
The tickets are ?25.
88
00:04:04,052 --> 00:04:06,004
I'm sorry, beti,
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00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:09,052
but your mother is cooking a special
dinner for us tonight. What?
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00:04:09,052 --> 00:04:11,024
I know. I'm not wild about it,
either.
91
00:04:11,024 --> 00:04:13,072
But don't worry, because
afterwards we're all going
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00:04:13,072 --> 00:04:15,088
to watch me put the star on top of
the tree. Great.
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00:04:18,012 --> 00:04:21,080
I'll see you later then -
at the tree ceremony! OK.
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00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,084
Unless you wanted me
to stay for dinner.
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00:04:23,084 --> 00:04:24,088
No.
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00:04:26,056 --> 00:04:28,024
Right.
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00:04:28,024 --> 00:04:30,008
Hey, I tell you what, it's funny -
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Shazia's baby being
born at Christmas, isn't it?
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00:04:32,052 --> 00:04:33,096
It's not being born at Christmas.
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00:04:33,096 --> 00:04:38,052
No but nearly. And you're putting
a star up in the sky.
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It's like the nativity, isn't it?
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Keith, we're Muslims.
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That story has
got nothing to do with us.
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DOORBELL
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Hello, sir.
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Dad, we're in trouble.
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I think it might be my fault.
108
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It's definitely your fault.
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The boiler's burst.
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00:05:02,008 --> 00:05:03,012
Can we stay here?
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00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:05,000
There's no room.
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00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,016
Of course there is, come on in!
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Ooh, what's that?
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The girls at work gave it to me.
For the new baby.
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Come on, beti.
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But there's NO ROOM!
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At the inn!
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Aw, come in, beti.
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Sit down, put your feet up and
I'll get you a nice cup of tea.
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We haven't got
time for feet-up tea-cup!
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And they need somewhere to stay.
They've got somewhere to stay.
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It's called a house
and they live in it!
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We've got no heating or hot water.
124
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And they can't get a plumber out
until after Christmas.
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It's a nightmare. How did it happen?
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The pilot light went out
and I tried to relight it
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and there was a small explosion.
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Amjad, what kind of man
can't work his own boiler?
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It wasn't his fault -
the boiler's dodgy.
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It was the cheap one you
got off Mr Haroon.
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Cheap? It cost me ?20!
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00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:08,040
I tried to read the manual
but it was in Japanese.
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00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,024
Amjad, real men don't need manuals.
134
00:06:11,024 --> 00:06:14,072
We instinctively know how
electrical things work.
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What happened to your hat?
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He set fire to it with
the Christmas lights.
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Now let's get "mummy and daddy"
set up in Shazia's room!
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00:06:24,076 --> 00:06:25,080
You mean my study?
139
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,008
Not any more. You blow up
the inflatable mattress, and you -
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get Shazia's room ready.
141
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,024
Why can't Shazia get the room ready?
142
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I'm eight-and-a-half months
pregnant!
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You don't have to go on about it.
144
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People have had babies before.
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You're right. I'm being selfish.
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You've got to check your instagram.
Exactly!
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Are you ready to go?
148
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No, Dave. I've got to blow this
thing up first.
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The ceremony does need to
start at seven on the dot, Mr Khan.
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All right. Keep your knickers on.
I'll be there.
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It's not like they can start
without you. Exactly.
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Unless they use the other fellow.
What?
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We have Dr Prakash on standby
to do the star.
154
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Dr Prakash? But he's Indian.
155
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They're too little. He'll never be
able to reach the tree.
156
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We should really be going.
We have to get changed. Why?
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We're being the three wise men.
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My idea.
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I thought it might help to integrate
us with the Christmas story.
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So it's Gold, Frankincense
and Ginger now, is it?
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Get out!
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So you'll be there by seven?
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Yes! Don't worry, I'll be there.
164
00:07:40,008 --> 00:07:42,020
Who are you? I'm Gabe. What?
165
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:45,012
Gabe. Short for Gabriel. Good news.
166
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Shazia's having a baby.
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Shazia! Doctor is here.
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Hi, Gabe!
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Hi, mum-to-be!
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Doctor? Why is doctor here?
Is everything OK?
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Oh, I'm not a doctor.
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Eh? What are you, then?
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00:08:00,072 --> 00:08:03,004
Gabe's our natural birthing partner.
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00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:04,084
Me and Amjad decided
we want to have the
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00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:07,012
baby as naturally as possible,
didn't we, budoo?
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Yes, ladoo!
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00:08:09,044 --> 00:08:11,096
So, are you like a midwife?
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00:08:11,096 --> 00:08:13,048
A bit like a midwife, yeah,
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but we provide more emotional
and moral support.
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I don't understand. You're a man.
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00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:21,036
It's not a gender-specific role,
yeah?
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We've been welcoming male
members for several years.
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00:08:24,092 --> 00:08:25,096
Good for you.
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00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:29,076
Is he going to go to the
hospital with you?
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00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,036
No, Mum.
We're not going to hospital.
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We're having a home birth.
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Having a baby is a natural process.
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Being pregnant isn't an illness.
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Although I have had quite bad
morning sickness.
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But what if you need a doctor?
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I won't need a doctor.
I don't even like doctors.
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We know that, Shazia.
That's how you ended up with Amjad.
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We've got a birth plan.
I'm having a birthing pool.
194
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And I'm having candles.
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00:08:57,052 --> 00:09:00,016
And Amjad's done
a playlist of my favourite music.
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00:09:00,016 --> 00:09:04,088
It's got ABBA, Girls Aloud
And Gary Barlow.
197
00:09:04,088 --> 00:09:06,076
What, no Justin Bieber?
198
00:09:06,076 --> 00:09:09,012
Oh, no!
199
00:09:09,012 --> 00:09:11,072
Don't worry,
you've got plenty of time, yeah?
200
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:13,048
At least two weeks
before baby's due.
201
00:09:13,048 --> 00:09:16,040
But less than an hour before we have
to be at the tree ceremony!
202
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Can we go? We have to eat.
203
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:20,092
We'll eat later. No.
We'll take the food with us. No.
204
00:09:20,092 --> 00:09:23,052
And anyway, I have to sort the room
out for Shazia first.
205
00:09:23,052 --> 00:09:26,036
But sweetie...!
I'll be down in a minute.
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00:09:26,036 --> 00:09:29,068
Why don't you and Amjad go
and put the food out?
207
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:33,012
You know, you could have forced
Gandhi out of hunger strike.
208
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,036
Is that the Christmas curry?
209
00:09:40,036 --> 00:09:42,020
Yes.
210
00:09:42,020 --> 00:09:43,024
Can I try it?
211
00:09:49,048 --> 00:09:51,072
It's quite mild. Is it?
212
00:09:51,072 --> 00:09:53,076
Do you like it mild?
213
00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:55,044
No! I'm a man.
214
00:09:55,044 --> 00:09:57,008
I like it hot.
215
00:09:57,008 --> 00:09:58,012
Me too.
216
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:16,036
Ooh! That's better!
217
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,084
It must be amazing being a daddy.
218
00:10:20,084 --> 00:10:22,032
It's all right.
219
00:10:22,032 --> 00:10:24,064
I want to be involved
in every part.
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00:10:24,064 --> 00:10:28,016
I've been to the antenatal classes.
I've read all the books.
221
00:10:28,016 --> 00:10:32,052
I even spent a week wearing a fake
bump to see what it feels like.
222
00:10:32,052 --> 00:10:35,004
Look, women have babies.
They're very good at it.
223
00:10:35,004 --> 00:10:37,072
They don't need us
getting in the way.
224
00:10:37,072 --> 00:10:40,052
What about when Shazia was born?
What about it?
225
00:10:40,052 --> 00:10:41,096
Wasn't that a special day?
226
00:10:41,096 --> 00:10:45,032
Yes, it was. A very special day.
227
00:10:45,032 --> 00:10:47,048
Were you by Mrs Khan's side,
being supportive?
228
00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:51,000
I was being supportive
but not by her side.
229
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,020
Where were you, then?
230
00:10:52,020 --> 00:10:54,056
Edgbaston.
231
00:10:54,056 --> 00:10:57,080
One Day International.
Supporting Pakistan.
232
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:02,064
They announced over the Tannoy
that I'd become a father.
233
00:11:02,064 --> 00:11:04,016
I was so proud.
234
00:11:04,016 --> 00:11:09,028
I rushed home as soon as
Imran Khan got his century.
235
00:11:09,028 --> 00:11:10,068
I think I'll want to be there.
236
00:11:10,068 --> 00:11:11,072
Trust me, Amjad.
237
00:11:11,072 --> 00:11:15,016
When all that starts happening, you
want to be as far away as possible.
238
00:11:15,016 --> 00:11:16,096
But it's my baby too.
239
00:11:16,096 --> 00:11:20,080
Amjad, you've done your bit.
240
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:25,004
Men do men's things
and women do women's things.
241
00:11:25,004 --> 00:11:26,048
That's just the way it is.
242
00:11:33,036 --> 00:11:35,056
DOORBELL
243
00:11:37,056 --> 00:11:39,016
All right? Who are you?
244
00:11:39,016 --> 00:11:44,000
Jack Shepherd. Shepherd and Son?
We got a delivery for next door.
245
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:45,076
Will you take it? What is it?
246
00:11:45,076 --> 00:11:49,016
A birthing pool.
247
00:11:49,016 --> 00:11:52,060
Hey! Shepherd and Son.
248
00:11:52,060 --> 00:11:55,032
They're Shepherds!
249
00:11:55,032 --> 00:11:56,044
See you later.
250
00:11:58,048 --> 00:12:01,016
Someone's got to sign for it.
251
00:12:01,016 --> 00:12:03,044
Amjad!
252
00:12:03,044 --> 00:12:05,092
Sir! Sir!
253
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,032
What is it?
254
00:12:07,032 --> 00:12:09,068
Come quick. It's started!
255
00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:11,096
What, the Great British Bake Off?
256
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,052
What's going on?
257
00:12:17,052 --> 00:12:18,088
I'm having a baby, Dad.
258
00:12:18,088 --> 00:12:22,012
We know that, Shazia. You don't
need to keep on going about it.
259
00:12:22,012 --> 00:12:24,084
No, she means now. She's in labour!
260
00:12:24,084 --> 00:12:27,064
She can't be. It's not
due for another two weeks.
261
00:12:27,064 --> 00:12:29,080
I think baby's got other ideas,
yeah?
262
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,016
Why is it coming early?
263
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:35,016
Ah, who knows what starts it off.
It's one of nature's mysteries.
264
00:12:35,016 --> 00:12:37,068
Or it might have been the curry.
What?
265
00:12:42,068 --> 00:12:44,068
Oh, it's a liquid fire!
266
00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:50,024
How did it get so hot?
267
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:57,080
I put extra chillies in it.
I didn't want it to be too mild.
268
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,048
So you made it hot enough
to induce labour?
269
00:13:00,048 --> 00:13:01,052
Brilliant.
270
00:13:03,092 --> 00:13:05,084
Amjad, call an ambulance.
271
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:07,072
Right. Ambulance, good thinking.
272
00:13:07,072 --> 00:13:09,016
We don't need an ambulance.
273
00:13:09,016 --> 00:13:12,024
No, no ambulances,
that's completely wrong!
274
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,076
But beti,
we need to get you to the hospital.
275
00:13:14,076 --> 00:13:16,060
No, Mum.
I don't want to go to hospital.
276
00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:18,080
Are you sure, Shazia?
It's Christmas Eve.
277
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,016
No waiting time!
278
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:24,040
We want a home birth.
Of course you do.
279
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:28,008
Right, you heard her.
Take her back to your house.
280
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,044
Don't be ridiculous.
They can't go home.
281
00:13:30,044 --> 00:13:32,016
This is my home too.
282
00:13:32,016 --> 00:13:35,020
Yes, it is, my baby.
This is your home!
283
00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:36,096
You belong here, my baby!
284
00:13:36,096 --> 00:13:39,076
I think baby is going to be
born right here.
285
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:42,052
Why don't we take Shazia upstairs
for a lie down?
286
00:13:42,052 --> 00:13:44,084
Help her relax, yeah?
287
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:47,024
Good idea.
288
00:13:47,024 --> 00:13:50,044
Come on, Amjad.
Let's go to the tree ceremony.
289
00:13:50,044 --> 00:13:51,080
I have to be a part of this.
290
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:55,004
I've got to get the birthing pool
ready and the music,
291
00:13:55,004 --> 00:13:56,088
and the candles and the nappies.
292
00:13:56,088 --> 00:13:59,012
I'm really sorry, sir.
293
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:03,084
It's OK. I think I understand now.
294
00:14:03,084 --> 00:14:05,012
Thank you, sir.
295
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,048
Good luck.
296
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,096
Keith, Keith! We're on!
297
00:14:15,016 --> 00:14:17,068
Shazia's decided to have her baby.
298
00:14:17,068 --> 00:14:19,096
Typical of that one - so selfish.
299
00:14:19,096 --> 00:14:21,056
Right.
300
00:14:21,056 --> 00:14:24,032
So, we'll take your car.
No need to use my petrol.
301
00:14:26,004 --> 00:14:28,028
See you outside, Grandad.
302
00:14:29,088 --> 00:14:32,056
What? You're about to become
a grandfather.
303
00:14:32,056 --> 00:14:35,016
I don't know what you call them
in Pakistan.
304
00:14:35,016 --> 00:14:38,000
Dadaji.
I called my grandfather dadaji.
305
00:14:39,064 --> 00:14:42,016
I'm going to be a grandfather.
306
00:14:42,016 --> 00:14:45,056
I remember
when my first grandchild came along,
307
00:14:45,056 --> 00:14:47,032
I was terrified for my daughter.
308
00:14:47,032 --> 00:14:49,020
Didn't want her to suffer,
you know.
309
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:53,000
You don't really think
about the baby until it pops out
310
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:57,032
and there it is, the most precious
thing your child will ever have.
311
00:14:58,088 --> 00:14:59,092
A child of her own.
312
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,032
So shall we go?
313
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,048
AUDIENCE: Aw!
314
00:15:08,048 --> 00:15:13,068
Look, sweetie.
You get married to Amjad,
315
00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:17,060
you settle down, have some children.
316
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:21,008
It's not a bad life, is it?
317
00:15:21,008 --> 00:15:25,072
You love my daughter,
and in the end, that's what matters.
318
00:15:25,072 --> 00:15:29,032
What kind of an idiot would start
a rumour like that?
319
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,072
A very nice idiot who loves
you very much.
320
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,028
They'll make good parents, I think.
321
00:15:37,028 --> 00:15:40,020
And we'll make good grandparents,
with little Shazias
322
00:15:40,020 --> 00:15:43,016
and Amjads playing around our feet.
323
00:15:43,016 --> 00:15:48,036
I know I don't always say this, but
you know you're very special to me.
324
00:15:48,036 --> 00:15:51,064
And I love you very much.
325
00:15:51,064 --> 00:15:53,040
I know.
326
00:15:56,008 --> 00:15:58,084
AUDIENCE: Aw!
327
00:15:58,084 --> 00:16:00,092
Is anyone going to sign for this?
328
00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:02,032
Oh, yes.
329
00:16:02,032 --> 00:16:04,084
Amjad! What are you doing?
You have to check it first.
330
00:16:04,084 --> 00:16:06,040
Make sure everything's there.
331
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,020
I thought you were going
to your ceremony.
332
00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:11,052
Never mind that.
Let's get this baby born!
333
00:16:11,052 --> 00:16:14,008
Right.
334
00:16:14,008 --> 00:16:16,068
If you want, Papaji, I could
go on ahead and tell them
335
00:16:16,068 --> 00:16:17,072
you're running late.
336
00:16:17,072 --> 00:16:19,064
Such a good girl! Thank you, Alia.
337
00:16:19,064 --> 00:16:22,000
I'll need some money for a taxi,
though.
338
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,056
Of course. How much?
339
00:16:23,056 --> 00:16:24,068
?25?
340
00:16:24,068 --> 00:16:28,000
HE SIGHS
Here you are.
341
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:35,076
OK. Amjad! You have to blow it up
first, make sure there's no leaks.
342
00:16:35,076 --> 00:16:37,036
Right.
343
00:16:45,052 --> 00:16:47,052
I'm not sure I've got enough puff,
sir.
344
00:16:47,052 --> 00:16:49,064
Come on, we'll do it together.
345
00:16:51,048 --> 00:16:54,060
Here's the pump.
We'll need this, hah?
346
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,088
HE GROANS
347
00:16:58,088 --> 00:17:01,056
Brilliant. Thank you, sir.
348
00:17:01,056 --> 00:17:03,088
That's OK.
Do you know what to do once it's up?
349
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:06,052
Not really. Show me the manual.
350
00:17:06,052 --> 00:17:09,008
I thought you said that real men
don't need a manual.
351
00:17:09,008 --> 00:17:13,016
Amjad, it's a birthing pool,
not a flat-pack wardrobe!
352
00:17:14,028 --> 00:17:17,052
I'm out of my comfort zone here.
353
00:17:17,052 --> 00:17:22,028
Right,
so Shazia will be in the pool.
354
00:17:24,068 --> 00:17:27,088
She'll either be sat like this...
355
00:17:29,032 --> 00:17:33,048
...or sat like this.
356
00:17:33,048 --> 00:17:36,060
And where am I?
Right in here, between my legs.
357
00:17:38,088 --> 00:17:40,096
Right.
358
00:17:40,096 --> 00:17:43,028
That's it. Come on.
359
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,056
There. And then... ah!
360
00:17:50,096 --> 00:17:53,052
She'll be doing the puffing
and the panting.
361
00:17:53,052 --> 00:17:56,000
Ah, ooh! Ah, ooh!
362
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,092
Then you can give her some massage
to help with the pain.
363
00:17:59,092 --> 00:18:02,052
Ah, ooh! Ah, ooh!
364
00:18:02,052 --> 00:18:05,092
I love you so much.
You're doing really well!
365
00:18:05,092 --> 00:18:08,048
Amjad! You useless idiot!
This is all your fault!
366
00:18:08,048 --> 00:18:10,000
Sorry, sir!
367
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,036
No, that's what she'll say.
They all do that.
368
00:18:12,036 --> 00:18:14,092
Oh, right.
369
00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:19,052
And then the baby's head will
enter the delivery canal...
370
00:18:20,096 --> 00:18:22,060
I can't see it yet!
371
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,068
It's COMING!
372
00:18:25,068 --> 00:18:29,008
Push, ladoo! You can do it!
373
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,024
I'm pushing!
374
00:18:31,024 --> 00:18:34,016
I can see the head, sir.
One last push.
375
00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:34,516
Argh!
376
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,012
Everything all right?
377
00:18:40,012 --> 00:18:41,016
Yes.
378
00:18:41,016 --> 00:18:43,040
You look a bit stressed.
379
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:47,032
What do you expect?
I'm ten centimetres dilated!
380
00:18:49,088 --> 00:18:51,060
What's this for?
381
00:18:51,060 --> 00:18:53,064
That's another one of my jobs.
382
00:18:53,064 --> 00:18:54,068
What job?
383
00:18:56,044 --> 00:18:59,064
HE WHISPERS
384
00:18:59,064 --> 00:19:04,016
Right. Well, I think
it's all under control.
385
00:19:06,048 --> 00:19:07,092
Thank you so much, sir.
386
00:19:07,092 --> 00:19:09,092
I don't know what I'd do
without you.
387
00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:12,044
You're the best, Mr Khan, sir.
I know.
388
00:19:18,048 --> 00:19:19,080
Yes?
389
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:23,036
I am tired. It is Christmas Eve.
390
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:27,020
Will somebody please sign for this
flaming birthing pool!
391
00:19:28,096 --> 00:19:31,080
Here, give it to me.
392
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,028
EXPLOSION
393
00:19:46,036 --> 00:19:48,076
Aaah!
394
00:19:48,076 --> 00:19:50,060
Maybe we don't need a birthing pool.
395
00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:52,068
Just get in there and explain it.
396
00:19:52,068 --> 00:19:54,048
Tell her we can
use the old paddling pool.
397
00:19:54,048 --> 00:19:57,012
Why me? Because it's your fault.
398
00:19:57,012 --> 00:19:59,076
And because you're her father
and she needs you!
399
00:19:59,076 --> 00:20:02,000
You're right. She needs me.
400
00:20:05,032 --> 00:20:09,048
Hello, sweetie. It's your daddy here.
401
00:20:09,048 --> 00:20:11,028
ARGH!
402
00:20:11,028 --> 00:20:13,040
She doesn't need me.
403
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,044
She DOES need you.
404
00:20:14,044 --> 00:20:17,024
You stay here and I'll
go find the paddling pool.
405
00:20:19,056 --> 00:20:22,012
Shazia, sweetie.
406
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:24,084
We're having a bit of trouble
with the birthing pool.
407
00:20:24,084 --> 00:20:28,036
Sod the birthing pool! I want drugs!
Get me a doctor.
408
00:20:28,036 --> 00:20:29,076
You don't need a doctor.
409
00:20:29,076 --> 00:20:31,068
Are you deaf?
410
00:20:31,068 --> 00:20:33,076
Shazia, babe.
411
00:20:33,076 --> 00:20:36,012
I know the pain is bad right now,
412
00:20:36,012 --> 00:20:41,092
but you can control it
with your breathing, yeah?
413
00:20:41,092 --> 00:20:44,076
It's really not so bad.
414
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:47,020
How the bloody hell would you know!
415
00:20:48,084 --> 00:20:52,000
OK, how about some music, yeah?
416
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,024
Amjad?
417
00:20:53,024 --> 00:20:54,060
What?
418
00:20:54,060 --> 00:20:55,064
Music?
419
00:20:57,012 --> 00:21:02,056
Silent night, holy night...
420
00:21:02,056 --> 00:21:04,040
No, your iPod.
421
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,096
Oh!
422
00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:08,064
Oh - and I think a massage might
help, yeah?
423
00:21:08,064 --> 00:21:10,096
I've got some essential
oils in my car.
424
00:21:10,096 --> 00:21:13,060
I'll just go and get them, yeah?
425
00:21:15,036 --> 00:21:16,084
OK, beti?
426
00:21:16,084 --> 00:21:19,096
Oh, not really!
427
00:21:19,096 --> 00:21:22,028
Do you want your lambie?
428
00:21:22,028 --> 00:21:24,096
He always used to make you
feel better.
429
00:21:24,096 --> 00:21:26,000
Aaaargh!
430
00:21:27,044 --> 00:21:30,020
Maybe you've grown out of it.
431
00:21:30,020 --> 00:21:31,092
I'm scared, Dad.
432
00:21:31,092 --> 00:21:37,052
Aw, come on, sweetie.
Don't cry.
433
00:21:37,052 --> 00:21:39,088
It's OK. I'm here.
434
00:21:39,088 --> 00:21:43,044
But what about your ceremony?
Putting the star on the tree?
435
00:21:43,044 --> 00:21:45,012
You're going to miss it.
436
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:48,052
Forget about that.
You got nothing to worry about.
437
00:21:48,052 --> 00:21:50,040
I'm staying right here with you.
438
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,064
And, you know, you got GABE...
439
00:21:53,064 --> 00:21:58,068
Yeah, I mean... the thing is
about Gabe,
440
00:21:58,068 --> 00:22:01,076
I know I said he was amazing
and everything, but...
441
00:22:01,076 --> 00:22:03,064
He's a total nincompoop?
442
00:22:05,020 --> 00:22:06,044
Yes!
443
00:22:06,044 --> 00:22:09,044
I know, I know.
444
00:22:09,044 --> 00:22:12,004
It's going to be OK.
445
00:22:12,004 --> 00:22:16,036
I remember when your mother was
having you, I was very worried.
446
00:22:16,036 --> 00:22:17,088
Were there complications?
447
00:22:17,088 --> 00:22:21,076
Oh, yes! Pakistan were four
wickets down after ten overs.
448
00:22:24,028 --> 00:22:25,072
Oooooh!
449
00:22:25,072 --> 00:22:27,092
Beti, I think we should
get you to the hospital.
450
00:22:27,092 --> 00:22:30,012
No, please, Dad.
I don't want to go to hospital.
451
00:22:30,012 --> 00:22:32,020
I want a home birth like Mum.
452
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:36,020
Right, OK, then.
We'll get a doctor to come here.
453
00:22:36,020 --> 00:22:39,024
But it's Christmas Eve.
Where will you find a doctor?
454
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,024
I know where to find one
455
00:22:43,024 --> 00:22:45,096
and he's an Indian -
they're always on duty!
456
00:22:48,068 --> 00:22:52,016
You stay here. I'll be back soon.
457
00:22:54,068 --> 00:22:56,064
Yeah, these should do the trick.
458
00:22:56,064 --> 00:22:59,056
No, thank you. There's been
a change to the birthing plan.
459
00:22:59,056 --> 00:23:02,064
What kind of change?
You're not in it any more.
460
00:23:02,064 --> 00:23:05,012
But...
Thank you. Goodbye.
461
00:23:05,012 --> 00:23:06,092
But what about my oils?
462
00:23:06,092 --> 00:23:10,044
Why don't you go home
and give yourself a rub?
463
00:23:12,084 --> 00:23:18,044
BRASS BAND PLAYS
"GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN"
464
00:23:22,076 --> 00:23:25,032
Dr Prakash? Dr Prakash!
465
00:23:25,032 --> 00:23:26,052
Dr Prakash!
466
00:23:26,052 --> 00:23:28,044
Dr Prakash!
467
00:23:28,044 --> 00:23:31,084
Dr Prakash! Dr Prakash! Dr Prakash!
468
00:23:31,084 --> 00:23:34,004
What are you doing?
There's no room for two!
469
00:23:34,004 --> 00:23:37,048
Chillax! Don't get your Christmas
crackers in a twist.
470
00:23:37,048 --> 00:23:38,056
I need your help.
471
00:23:38,056 --> 00:23:42,084
MOTOR DROWNS SPEECH
472
00:23:44,060 --> 00:23:48,000
What's he doing up there?
473
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,016
You see, it's an emergency.
474
00:23:50,016 --> 00:23:51,056
I do see.
475
00:23:51,056 --> 00:23:54,088
Great. Let's get back down. Come on.
476
00:23:54,088 --> 00:23:58,044
Come on, come on!
My daughter's having a baby!
477
00:23:59,096 --> 00:24:01,092
It's stuck. Must be overloaded.
478
00:24:04,004 --> 00:24:06,004
Hop on my back. What?
479
00:24:06,004 --> 00:24:08,092
Just do it!
480
00:24:08,092 --> 00:24:11,036
Right, GERONIMO!
481
00:24:13,048 --> 00:24:14,052
Follow that star!
482
00:24:19,048 --> 00:24:21,024
Wasn't that your dad?
483
00:24:21,024 --> 00:24:22,028
Nah.
484
00:24:24,068 --> 00:24:27,020
Argh! Somebody do something!
485
00:24:27,020 --> 00:24:30,004
What about One Direction?
You like them.
486
00:24:32,052 --> 00:24:34,076
I'm back!
Thank God. Have you got a doctor?
487
00:24:34,076 --> 00:24:35,096
Yes, I have.
488
00:24:35,096 --> 00:24:38,088
So, it looks like someone's
having a baby.
489
00:24:38,088 --> 00:24:40,084
He's good, isn't he?
490
00:24:40,084 --> 00:24:43,068
Where the hell have you been!
Give me some drugs!
491
00:24:43,068 --> 00:24:44,072
Put these on.
492
00:24:46,048 --> 00:24:49,068
Right, I'm ready!
Where do you want me?
493
00:24:49,068 --> 00:24:51,080
Outside! OK!
494
00:24:53,092 --> 00:24:57,064
Come on, ladoo! You can do it!
One last push!
495
00:24:57,064 --> 00:25:00,016
Shut up! OK!
496
00:25:16,048 --> 00:25:20,028
It's very quiet up there.
I hope everything's all right.
497
00:25:20,028 --> 00:25:22,064
Amazing to think the curry
was what set her off.
498
00:25:22,064 --> 00:25:24,036
Why? What's wrong with it.
499
00:25:27,052 --> 00:25:29,096
Well? They're fine.
500
00:25:33,060 --> 00:25:35,048
It's a little baby boy! Aw!
501
00:25:37,072 --> 00:25:40,068
Aw, look at him!
502
00:25:40,068 --> 00:25:42,080
Born on Christmas Day.
503
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,048
There's really only one name
504
00:25:48,048 --> 00:25:52,012
we can give this special little man,
isn't there?
505
00:25:52,012 --> 00:25:53,024
Haan.
506
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,044
Happy Birthday, baby Mohammed!
507
00:25:56,094 --> 00:26:00,644
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