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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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Community leader.
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They all know me...
You like my suit?
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Number one - Citizen Khan.
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You buy wardrobe, then they want
to charge for delivery.
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No! I got Mercedes.
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HUMS TO TUNE OF JANIS JOPLIN:
Mercedes Benz
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Oh, Allah has bought me a
Mercedes-Benz
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My friends all drive Datsuns
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They are infidels
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Tum te, tum tum tum
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Tum tum...
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"Fit screw 10 into slot D."
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Which is screw 10?
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Oh, this is impossible!
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Why don't they give
the bloody instructions in Urdu?
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We're not going to finish it.
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We have to finish it.
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I've got to go to the mosque
for my photoshoot in ten minutes.
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There's a photoshoot at the mosque?
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Yes, for the annual mosque magazine.
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Are you in it?
I'm in it every year.
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You see, the person
who represents the mosque
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must be perfect embodiment
of a Muslim man.
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I got big beard. Nice hat.
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Classic suit.
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Tradition never goes out of fashion,
Amjad.
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You young people spend too much time
on the Spacebook, Hotmails,
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watching videos on Boobtube.
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This is what it's really about.
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You want to feel it?
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No, thank you, sir.
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It's OK. You can touch it.
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Feel my beard. Go on!
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What do you think?
It's bushy, isn't it?
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It's very bushy, sir.
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And I tell you something else.
Beards are very popular now.
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Did you know, one in five men in the
UK has a beard?
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In Pakistan, it's double.
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Even more if you include the womens.
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Come on, Mum!
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MRS KHAN: No, forget it.
I look ridiculous.
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Don't be silly. Let's have a look.
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Wow.
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What do you think?
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Mum, you look amazing.
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Doesn't she? Yeah, you look great.
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Can I go out? No.
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I'll do your make-up later, OK?
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OK. But don't tell your father.
I don't want him to know.
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I've got a big surprise planned.
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Do you really think it looks good?
Yes.
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Oh!
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DRILL WHIRS
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AMJAD: It's nearly done, sir.
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Right. It just needs to go upstairs
on the landing.
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AMJAD: OK.
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DRILL WHIRS
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Stop!
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AMJAD: What is it, sir?
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It's the wrong one!
What's wrong with it?
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It's made in bloody India,
that's what!
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Ta-da!
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The wardrobe's got to go back.
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What about Mum?
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It's too late to take her back,
sweetie.
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I mean, how does she look?
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She's got a new outfit. Oh, yes.
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What do you think?
What does it look like?
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Like it was expensive.
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Well, I think she looks great.
You look like a cougar, Mum.
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A what? A cougar.
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Because she's a browny-beige colour?
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No.
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Because she got funny teeth?
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Because she's a sexy older lady.
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Shazia, how dare you speak
about your mother like that!
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Show some respect!
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AMJAD: Hello?
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I've screwed myself in!
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BANGS
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Help!
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Shazia!
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And she's having her hair done
this afternoon, too.
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All this vanity's very unbecoming
of Muslim peoples.
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You should be more modest and humble.
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Where are you going?
To the mosque.
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I'm going to be on front cover
of magazine!
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MAN: Don't turn on any taps.
They're not quite finished.
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Who's that?
Sajid. He's here to fix the boiler.
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Sajid's here?
Why didn't you say?!
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Salaam, Mr Khans.
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WOMEN: Waleikum assalam.
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Hey, Alia. How's college?
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Great, thanks, Sajid.
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And Shazia? Job all good?
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Really good, thanks, Sajid.
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Oh, my goodness.
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Who is this vision of loveliness?
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Where?
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Wow, Mrs Khan.
You look more beautiful than ever.
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Hello, Sajid.
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New outfit? Yes.
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Lovely. So where are you taking her,
Mr Khan?
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What?
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You can't keep a magnificent
creature like this shut up at home.
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What creature? Have we got mice?
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What's it to be? A romantic corner
in your favourite bistro?
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Just a little dinner a deux?
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Does anyone here speak English?
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Well, anyway, the boiler's all fixed
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but I'll have to pop back later,
make sure it's all running smoothly.
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Sorry for the inconvenience.
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Oh, it's all right.
Don't be silly.
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Yes, don't be silly, Sajid.
You're always welcome here.
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Unless you start charging.
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Why can't you be more like Sajid?
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What you have to understand, sweetie,
is that Sajid and I are very different.
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I'm the quintessential Muslim man.
Pakistani pin-up.
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Sajid is doing the ladies' talking,
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has funny stuff in his hair
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and he has a very small beard.
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Not like a proper man at all.
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You're right, Mr K. I'm more your
metrosexual kind of guy.
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Don't worry.
We welcome all sorts in this house.
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I'm going to the mosque.
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Oh, you couldn't give us a lift,
could you?
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Oh. No car, Sajid? Dear, oh, dear.
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It's OK.
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I'll give you a ride in my Mercedes.
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That's what real men drive.
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MR KHAN GROANS
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Everything all right?
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I can't turn tap on!
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TUNE OF DURAN DURAN: Girls On Film
# Khans on film, tum de tum tum
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Khans on film, tum de tum tum.
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Where is everyone?
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Maybe they're all still at prayers.
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Always some excuse.
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Now, I thought I'd do the photo
from sitting behind the desk.
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YELLS
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Riaz!
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Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Waleikum assalam.
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What the hell are you doing down
there?
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I was sleeping.
The wife kicked me out.
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What? Why?
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I don't know.
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It's a total mystery.
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Well, she must have given you
a reason.
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Well, she said that
I took her for granted,
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that the romance had gone,
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and that I'd let myself go
physically.
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Just doesn't make any sense.
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It's a mystery, all right.
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I brought you your clean underwear
and a toothbrush.
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Oh, great.
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You should try and talk to her,
Riaz.
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With women it's all about
communication.
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They need to talk about their
feelings, and you need to listen.
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Take an interest in them.
Compliment them on how they look.
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Load of smushy-mushy nonsense!
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No, it's good advice.
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Back in Somalia, my wife used to say
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that communication is the key
to a successful relationship.
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I didn't know you were married.
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Not any more. I lost her.
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Oh, I'm so sorry, mate.
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Yes, that is sad. How did it happen?
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Eaten by a lion?
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What?
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Or was it a hippopotamus?
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They're even more dangerous than
lions, apparently.
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She's not dead.
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You said you lost her.
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Yes, in the supermarket.
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She said that she wanted Marmite,
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and wandered off into Jams and
Spreads.
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I never saw her again.
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Salaam aleikum.
Waleikum assalam.
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Hello, Dave.
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Where have you been? I've got to take
the photo for the magazine!
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Thing is, Mr Khan, we're not actually
doing the magazine this year.
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What?
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I just thought it felt
a bit old-fashioned,
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not in keeping with modern
sensibilities.
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You see, this is just the kind of rubbish
I've come to expect from you, Dave.
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It's not your fault. You gingers
are different from us Pakistanis.
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Surely we're all the same in God's
eyes, Mr Khan.
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He only says that to make you feel
better.
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We all know he has his favourites.
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Right.
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We've got to do the magazine!
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Otherwise how would people know
what we've been up to?
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Well, I'm making a short
promotional film instead
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about the mosque community centre.
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Now, I thought we could put it on the
internet and see what responses we get.
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Good idea.
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Now, I know it's not the sort of thing
you approve of, but... What did you say?
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I said, "Good idea." Right.
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I'm all in favour, Dave. We got to
embrace the modern technologies.
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We can't live in the past, can we?
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I must say,
that's a very refreshing attitude.
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Have you decided
who's going to present it?
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Not yet. No. Now, I was hoping that
we might try and get one of...
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Come on, Dave. It's got to be me.
Mr Khan, community leader.
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They all know me.
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Thing is, Mr Khan,
I was hoping to get across
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how modern and inclusive the mosque
is.
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I'm modern and inclusive!
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We need to be seen to be welcoming
to all.
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I'm very welcoming.
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Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!
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Oh, God. Mrs Bilal.
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You know, we must stop meeting like
this.
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I agree.
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Can I tempt you with my jalebis?
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No!
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I'm busy. You have them.
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I can't. I'm watching my figure.
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Well, you're on your own there.
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Maybe I could bring them
to your house some time.
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No bloody way!
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Ahem!
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I mean... yes, of course.
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What? I'd love to see you
at my house.
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Really?
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Absolutely. Come any time.
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But your wife. Won't she...?
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Oh, she won't mind. More the merrier.
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Oh! Mr Khan!
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See? Welcoming.
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Right.
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What about Sajid?
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What?
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He's good-looking
like the George Clooneys.
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No, he isn't.
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You might have something there.
Wait a minute.
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No, Sajid's definitely got
a nice open face. Fresh,
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modern, but mature enough
to be authoritative.
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What are you talking about?
241
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I do like to take care of myself.
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I go to that new men's salon
in Edgbaston.
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00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000
You'd be perfect. The attractive, modern
face of Islam. What do you say, Sajid?
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00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,000
Er...
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00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,000
There you are. He said no.
246
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:10,000
It's easy. You just sit in front of the camera.
We'll tell you what to say.
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Stop bullying him, Dave.
248
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,000
You can't force him
to do something against his will.
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It's a free country, you know.
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Please? You'd be great.
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I'd watch him.
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Looks like we've found our star.
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You should be ashamed, Dave.
Judging people by their looks!
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You're a typical bloody ginger!
255
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:39,000
Wow, Mum. You look like a
supermodel.
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00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,000
It's wonderful. Um, what about...?
257
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,000
We'll sort that out.
258
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,000
Thanks, beti.
You're so good at this.
259
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,000
What's all this about anyway?
260
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,000
It's for my big surprise.
261
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,000
Today is a very special day
for your father and me.
262
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,000
I've got all our closest friends
coming round later.
263
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,000
He doesn't know anything about it.
264
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,000
Oh, Mum, that's so sweet.
265
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,000
Oh, and some of the women are coming earlier.
Can you do their makeovers, too?
266
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,000
Of course.
And Mrs Malik's coming as well.
267
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,000
You're going to need more make-up.
268
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,000
MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
269
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:15,000
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be at the mosque!
270
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:19,000
Apparently, that tart Sajid
is more modern and inclusive than me!
271
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,000
Tell me honestly.
Do I look old-fashioned to you?
272
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,000
You can't be here. Now, get out and
don't come back until this evening.
273
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,000
Why? Because...
274
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,000
I'm making jalebis
and I don't want you under my feet.
275
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,000
Jalebis? Jalebis.
276
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000
You're making jalebis?
I'm making jalebis.
277
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,000
What are you making jalebis for? I can make
jalebis if I want to. It's a free country.
278
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,000
All right. Blimey.
What am I supposed to do till then?
279
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,000
You can pick me up
from the hairdresser's later.
280
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,000
Oh, not more pimping and pumping!
281
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:06,000
You're as bad as Dave's
new best friend, Sajid.
282
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,000
Well, he's really good-looking,
though, Dad. He's a hottie.
283
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,000
No, he's not.
284
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,000
He is, Papaji. He's well buff.
285
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,000
Anyone can look like that.
286
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,000
It's all lotions and potions.
287
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,000
Even I could be a well-hot buff...
288
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,000
if I wanted to.
289
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,000
Hmm...
290
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,000
Wow, this looks smart.
291
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,000
It's great, this place.
292
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,000
Well, we've got to make sure
our star's looking his best.
293
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,000
I think this is where
all the young, trendy guys come.
294
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,000
Salaam aleikum!
295
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,000
Mr Khan!
296
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,000
Hello, Dave.
297
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,000
What are you doing here?
298
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:53,000
I thought I'd pop in before I pick
Mrs Khan up from the hairdresser's.
299
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:56,000
I always come here. I know everyone.
300
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,000
Would you like to choose your
treatment, sir?
301
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,000
Thanks...
302
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,000
Salon.
303
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,000
I must say, I'm surprised.
304
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,121
I'm full of surprises, Dave.
305
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,000
Thank you, darling.
You're welcome, sweetie.
306
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:21,000
So... so you're a regular here?
Of course!
307
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,000
Get off me!
308
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:27,000
It's a manicure, Mr Khan.
Have you never had a manicure?
309
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,200
Have I ever had a man do what?
310
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,000
She's doing your nails.
311
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,000
I knew that. I'll do them later, eh?
312
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,000
But don't paint them red, though.
That always looks a bit tarty.
313
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,000
So, what are you having done today,
Mr K?
314
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:46,000
Oh, well, you know. The usual, Sajid.
315
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,000
What about you?
316
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,000
I suppose I'll have the beard trim.
317
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,000
Yes. Me too.
318
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,000
I like to keep it really short.
You know? Like designer stubble.
319
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,000
Yeah. Same here.
320
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,000
CLIPPERS BUZZ
321
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,000
Thank you. That's enough. Thank you.
322
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,000
So, what else are you having?
323
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,000
A bit of a haircut. Maybe a facial.
324
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:13,000
I might get them to wax
the back of my hands as well.
325
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,000
Really?
326
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:17,000
Yeah, you can get everything done
here. Shoulders, underarms...
327
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,000
Oh, yeah, I see.
328
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,000
Dave, it says you can
get your back done as well.
329
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000
And sack, too.
330
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,000
What's that?
331
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,000
Something you sit on?
332
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,000
Er, well...
333
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,000
Like a beanbag?
334
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,000
Yes, I suppose it is.
335
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,000
And crack, too.
336
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,000
That's an Irish word, isn't it, Dave?
337
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,000
It means "jolly good fun",
doesn't it?
338
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000
I'm not sure in this case.
339
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,000
Come on, Dave.
340
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,000
You gingers are supposed to know
all about these Irish things.
341
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:57,000
Actually, Mr Khan, it's a way of removing
hair from your more intimate areas.
342
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,000
Oh, yes. Of course.
343
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,000
Well, it's all good Muslim practice.
344
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,000
So, do you ever have it done?
345
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,000
No. No. No, it can be a bit awkward
having someone else do it.
346
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,000
I've got a mole, you see?
347
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,000
It's only a small thing,
but it's a bit embarrassing.
348
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,000
Don't worry, Dave. It's no big deal.
349
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,000
SHOUTS: You don't mind seeing
his small thingy, do you?!
350
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,000
You must get lots of people coming
here with little things like that.
351
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,000
I got one, too.
352
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,000
But mine's really tiny.
353
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,000
Sometimes you can hardly see it
at all.
354
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,000
The other day I couldn't even find
it.
355
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,000
Right. I'll have the back, sack
and crack, please.
356
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
And make sure you don't miss
anything.
357
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:50,000
At these prices, I want to be as
smooth as a little silky coin-purse.
358
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,000
So, Sajid, are you having
the back, sack, and crack?
359
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,000
No, I don't really bother with all
that.
360
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:03,000
But surely, as a good Muslim,
you shave your... downstairs.
361
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,000
No, I don't really like it.
It's too itchy.
362
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,000
Oh. Really?
363
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,000
Did you hear that, Dave?
364
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,000
What?
365
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,000
Sajid's dingly-danglies aren't halal!
366
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:22,000
Maybe he's not such a great example
of a modern Muslim man after all!
367
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,000
I don't think you can say that.
368
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,000
Come on. He can hardly be
the face of the mosque now.
369
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,000
I mean, what will the imam say?
370
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,000
Well...
371
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:34,000
Seriously, Dave, how can he star in
your movie if his bits aren't shaved?
372
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,000
Well, it's not really that sort of
film, Mr Khan.
373
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,000
You know what I mean.
374
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,000
Mr Khan's right. Maybe I shouldn't be in the film.
It wouldn't be right.
375
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,000
There, you see?
376
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,000
Are you sure, Sajid?
377
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,000
Of course he's sure.
378
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:50,000
Oh, OK. Well, I suppose we'll
just have to find someone else.
379
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,000
Would you like to be in the film,
Mr Khan?
380
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,000
Very well, Dave.
381
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,000
I'll do it.
382
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,000
Only because I can see
you're in a tight spot.
383
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,000
I'd hate to see you let the mosque
down.
384
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,000
That's very good of you.
I know.
385
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000
Oh, but what about Mrs Khan? Haven't you
got to pick her up from the hairdresser's?
386
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Oh, it's OK. Sajid can pick her up
in your minibus.
387
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,000
You don't mind, do you?
388
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,000
Not at all.
389
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,000
Good boy. She likes you.
390
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000
She's a fine woman, Mrs Khan.
391
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,000
Right, we're ready for you now, sir.
392
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:24,000
If you'd like to come through
to the treatment room.
393
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,000
You know... this waxing...
394
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,000
Does it hurt?
395
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,000
No. Not really.
396
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,000
And Ken is very gentle.
397
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,000
Oh, good.
398
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,000
The wax not too hot for you?
399
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,000
No, it's actually quite nice.
400
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,000
Great.
401
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,000
I'll just get Ken.
402
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,000
Brace yourself.
403
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:53,000
RIPPING
404
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,000
Oh, twaddi!
405
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000
Oww...
406
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,000
Right, well, I suppose
we'd better get on with it, then.
407
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,000
Yes. Good. Lights, camera, action,
isn't it?
408
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,000
Are you OK?
409
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,000
Yes, of course.
I'm primed and ready to go.
410
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,000
I thought perhaps we could start
with you sitting behind the desk.
411
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,000
No.
412
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,000
No? Sitting on the desk?
413
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,000
No sitting, Dave. Only standing.
414
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,000
Walking?
415
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,000
Not really.
416
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,000
Right, well, if you could
just stand there, then.
417
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,000
OK, Omar? Ready.
418
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,000
Mr Khan? I'm ready.
419
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:37,000
Finally, after all these years,
420
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,000
I'm going to be broadcasting
to the nation.
421
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,000
This could be the start of something.
Who knows where it might lead?
422
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:46,000
You could be in demand all over the
world.
423
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,361
Think of the travel opportunities.
424
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,000
Have you got itchy feet?
I've got itchy something.
425
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Although I'm not sure that Mrs Khan would
be very happy with you being away a lot.
426
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,000
That's true. Women don't like
being left on their own.
427
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,000
You must watch out for the older
woman with the younger man.
428
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:05,000
It is very common these days.
They call them cougars.
429
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:10,000
My wife isn't a cougar.
We don't have cougars in Pakistan.
430
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,000
I used to think that about my wife.
431
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,000
Then she started behaving strangely.
432
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,000
Getting her hair done.
Buying new clothes.
433
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,000
What?
434
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:22,000
That is the first sign.
They dress up for the new admirer.
435
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000
My wife doesn't have admirers.
436
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,000
I thought that, too,
437
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,000
but it turned out to be some guy
who came round to fix the boiler.
438
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,000
The boiler?
439
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,000
They used to meet up
when I was at the mosque.
440
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,000
She used to tell me
she'd be making jalebis.
441
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,000
Oh, my God.
442
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,000
And I got him to pick her up.
443
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:47,000
Are you all right, Mr Khan?
I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
444
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,000
You look a bit pale.
So do you.
445
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000
Shall I start recording?
446
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,000
No. I've just got to pop home
for a minute.
447
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,000
But we're ready to go.
448
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,000
Yes, but I think I've left
the back door open,
449
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,000
and the bath running,
450
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,000
and the gas on.
What about the film?
451
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,000
You're halal. You can do it!
452
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,000
Hello. It's me! Mr Khan!
453
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,000
Mrs Khan's husband!
454
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,000
Papaji, I thought
you were making your film.
455
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,000
Never mind that.
Have you seen your mother?
456
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,000
Yeah. Is she... alone?
457
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:33,000
No. Hai!
458
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,000
And you're not supposed to be here.
I know.
459
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,000
She doesn't want you around.
460
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,000
Oh, God. It's all my fault.
461
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,000
What is?
462
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,000
If only I'd been more like Sajid.
463
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,000
If only I told her
how I feel about her.
464
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,000
We should have communicated more.
I should have listened.
465
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,000
Why didn't I listen?!
466
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,000
But, Papaji...
Not now, beti.
467
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,000
I've got to face up to this.
468
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,000
She said she definitely didn't want
anyone going in there.
469
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,000
OK, that's it!
470
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,000
Tell me I'm not too late!
471
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,000
I love you, my darling.
472
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,000
Don't make your jalebis with another.
473
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:19,000
Let me be your little gulab jamun!
474
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,000
Mr Khan!
475
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,000
Mrs Malik! Dad!
476
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,000
What are you doing?
477
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,000
I could ask you the same question.
478
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,000
We're doing makeovers. Hmm?
479
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,000
Shazia's doing makeovers on us.
480
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,000
Oh, thank God.
481
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,000
What did you think?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
482
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,000
So what are you doing back here?
483
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:42,000
I just came back to do some...
484
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:43,000
communicating.
485
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,000
What? What's the matter with you?
486
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:50,000
Why don't we talk about your
feelings? Have you got any?
487
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,000
What?
488
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000
And compliments, too.
489
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,000
All you ladies...
490
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,000
You don't need makeovers.
491
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,000
You look very nice as you are.
492
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,000
Thank you.
493
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,000
I wasn't talking to you.
494
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,000
So...
495
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,000
it's all completely innocent.
496
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,000
Very nice.
497
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000
I don't know what I was worried
about.
498
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,000
Right, so now you can go.
499
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,000
Yes. Fine. I'm going.
500
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,000
I just need to get
some... talcum powder first.
501
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000
You can't go upstairs.
502
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,000
Oh, God.
503
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,000
I knew it!
504
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:29,000
No! Wait! What are you doing?
505
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,000
Where is he?
He must be here somewhere!
506
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,000
Have you gone mad?
What are you talking about?!
507
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,000
I know about Sajid.
508
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,000
Sajid? Boiler man Sajid?
509
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,000
Don't play games with me.
510
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,000
THUD
511
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
In our bedroom, of all places!
512
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,000
You can't go in there.
513
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,000
Too late!
514
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,000
WOMAN SHRIEKS
515
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,000
SHRIEKS
516
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,000
That wasn't Sajid!
517
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,000
Of course not.
518
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,000
What the hell was it?!
519
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,000
That was Mrs Younis.
520
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,000
And who?
521
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:06,000
No, that was all her.
522
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,000
She's trying out support pants.
523
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000
So no Sajid?
524
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:14,000
What's Sajid got to do with this?
525
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,000
I thought... he was...
526
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:21,000
They said at the mosque about
the cougars and fixing the boiler
527
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,000
and making jalebis.
528
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,000
Of course there's no-one else here.
529
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,000
You silly man.
530
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,000
COUGHS
531
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,000
I swear I don't know who that is.
532
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,000
I do!
533
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,000
Right. I knew it. I knew it.
534
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:43,000
Come on out of there
and fight like a man!
535
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,000
What are you doing? Stop it!
536
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
Come on, you coward!
537
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,000
SHRIEKS
538
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,000
Dad, what's going on?
Cover your ears.
539
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,000
This is grown-up things.
540
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,000
What? Shazia, he said it's grown-up
things.
541
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,000
Mum?
542
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,000
Your father's gone mad.
543
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Brilliant.
544
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,000
Sometimes, beti,
even when two people are married,
545
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,000
they might do silly things
with other people.
546
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,000
But you mustn't just blame your
mother.
547
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,000
I, too, must take some
responsibility.
548
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,000
But it's mostly her.
549
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,000
What is? What is he talking about?
550
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,000
There is no easy way of saying this,
Shazia.
551
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,000
Your mother... has...
552
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,000
betrayed me!
553
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,000
What? With who?
554
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,000
With a wardrobe?
555
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,000
Not with a wardrobe!
556
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,000
With who's in the wardrobe!
557
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,000
Who is it? Ask your mother.
558
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,000
I don't know.
559
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,000
It's Sajid! Sajid?
560
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,000
Yes, Sajid!
561
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,000
Sajid's in the wardrobe?
562
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,000
That's right. Sajid!
563
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,000
Sajid? Sajid!
564
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,000
That's my name. Don't wear it out.
565
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,000
I said I'd pop back and check
on the boiler. Is this a bad time?
566
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,000
But...
567
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,000
if you...
568
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,000
...then who's in...?
569
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,000
BANGING
Yoo-hoo!
570
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,000
You found me.
571
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,000
Mr Khan...
I think you squashed my jalebis.
572
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,000
Well?!
573
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,000
You must have some explanation.
574
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,000
What was I supposed to think?
575
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:40,000
You had makeover and new hairdo
and new outfit.
576
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,000
Who's that for, eh?
577
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,000
Us. It was for us.
578
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,000
Eh?
579
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,000
I wanted to have a special evening.
580
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,000
It was meant to be a surprise.
581
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,000
But it's not my birthday.
I know.
582
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000
And it's not your birthday.
I know.
583
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,000
Oh, God. It's not our anniversary,
is it?
584
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:57,000
No.
585
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,000
It's just...
586
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,000
don't you realise
that it's exactly 30 years
587
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,200
since I first set eyes on you?
588
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,000
Is it?
589
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,000
Haan.
590
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,000
It was on the bus that time,
remember?
591
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,000
I was on my way back
to my father's village.
592
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,000
Of course.
593
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,000
It was packed.
594
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,000
Standing room only.
595
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,000
And I let you sit in my place.
596
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,000
And the road was full of holes,
597
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,000
and then we went over a really big
bump
598
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,000
and you fell right on top of me.
599
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,000
But it wasn't that bad
sitting on the roof, though, was it?
600
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,000
No. It was fun.
601
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,000
Until you fell off halfway to
Gujranwala.
602
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,000
We were so young.
603
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:43,000
You were the prettiest thing
I'd ever seen.
604
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:52,000
And I wanted to try and look a little
bit like I did all those years ago.
605
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,000
But you do.
606
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:57,000
Whenever I look at you,
607
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,000
all I see
608
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,000
is that beautiful young girl
from the bus.
609
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,000
You're such a smoothie.
610
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,000
I am now.
611
00:28:09,050 --> 00:28:13,600
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