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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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Community leader.
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They all know me...
You like my suit?
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Number one - Citizen Khan.
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HE YAWNS
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Man, these all-night prayers
really take it out of you, huh?
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I know, I'm completely
cream-crackered.
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Sshh! He's still praying.
Sorry.
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MR KHAN SNORES
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SNORING CONTINUES
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All night long
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All night
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All night long
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All night!
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Not tired, Mr Khan?
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No, Dave.
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All night prayers is easy-peasy
for us proper Muslims.
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We can do it in our sleep.
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Right.
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The trick is to prepare
properly.
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Like, I've got dodgy knees,
so I wear these.
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What did you pray for?
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It's a difficult one.
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You don't want to waste Allah's time
with anything frivolous,
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so I prayed I could jump NHS
queue for my knee operation.
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I've been waiting bloody ages.
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I prayed for world peace and
an end to all hunger and suffering.
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Obviously, I prayed for that
too.
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So did I, but I sometimes
wonder
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if it does any good.
Praying works. Definitely.
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If you have the faith, it can
achieve the most amazing things,
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like the other day, I prayed that
I will come into lots of money
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without having to do any
work, and now I have.
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I'm not sure that's a very good
example.
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Right, come on, I'm starving.
Let's have some breakfast.
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But the Imam's called a fast
for today. Are you not doing it?
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No way! He's always calling a
fast.
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We don't need to starve
ourselves all the bloody time.
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We're Muslims, not supermodels.
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Good point.
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I'm not doing it either.
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Well, I'm doing it.
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What a creep. You won't find
me fasting willy-nilly.
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You only have to do
Ramadan and I've done that.
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Bish-bosh. Let's have some nosh.
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Chick, chick, chick, chick,
chicken
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Lay a little egg for me.
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Salaam alaikum.
Wa alaikum assalaam.
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Imam, I was just telling
the others about the fast
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and how I'm going to be doing it.
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It would be great honour for
me to join you on your fast.
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Well done. Well done.
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Looks like Dave is flavour of
the month.
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Mmm! Mmm!
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MUFFLED SPEECH
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I said, I'll be doing it too.
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Mr Khan, Imam. Community
leader. They all know me.
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I thought you said you
weren't doing it. No, I didn't.
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Oh, yes, you did.
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You said that we weren't
supermodels.
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No. And then you said,
"You won't catch me
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"fasting willy-nilly."
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Shush! I'm the best faster in this
whole mosque. Everyone knows that.
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Khuda Hafiz. Khuda Hafiz.
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Khuda Hafiz. Khuda Hafiz.
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I know your game, Dave.
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Trying to make me look bad
in front of the Imam.
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Really Mr Khan, I don't know
what you're talking about.
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Well, it's not going to work.
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I'm going to fast you
under the table.
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You can't do the fast.
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You haven't prepared.
No, he's right,
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Mr Khan, you have to eat
the night before you fast,
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otherwise it could be
dangerous.
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Rubbish! I don't need to prepare.
Us Pakistanis are bred for this,
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not like you lot. I'll bet you don't
even have the fasting app.
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The what?
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The Ramadan phone app, huh? You have
all this month's prayer times on it.
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Now, we fast till sunset. 6.28.
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When the alarm goes off,
we can eat.
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Food, glorious food
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Hot sausage and mustard...
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CRUNCH
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Ek...
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...do...
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...teen...
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99...
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...100!
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What are you doing, Papaji?
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It's for my knee. Pakistani Pilates.
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What's that?
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It's like normal Pilates,
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but you don't have to spend
any money on equipment.
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Are they Mum's tights? Hmm?
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Does she know?
Of course she knows.
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But for God's sake, don't tell her.
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Ooh! Feeling a bit light-headed.
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Are you OK?
I'm fine. I'm fasting.
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Doing a special one for the Imam.
Wow!
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You're so amazing at religion
and that.
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Yes, your father's not just
a pretty beard.
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Look me up and down,
I'm the best Muslim in town!
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Well, I just wanted to let you
know we're going out tonight.
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Who's we?
Me and my French exchange student.
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What? You know,
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the college has got
French exchange students over.
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They've given me one to look
after for the day.
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She's from, like, Paris or
something.
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Excellent. It's a very good way
to learn about another country.
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Somewhere completely different from
our own culture. What's her name?
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Nabila.
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C'est mon pere.
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She doesn't speak much English.
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It's OK, beti.
I know a little bit of French.
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HE RASPS
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CLEARS THROAT
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Assalaam alaikum.
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Wa alaikum assalaam.
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Going somewhere nice?
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Une discotheque.
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Huh? It's French for prayer meeting.
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Hah! You two got a lot in common.
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Can we have some money
for books and that?
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Of course.
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There you go.
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Thanks!
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Ohh!
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Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
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You're... wel... come.
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What's he doing here?
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MISPRONOUNCES: Salaam alaikum,
Mr Khan.
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I just came round to ask about
the washing machine
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and the old bathtub out the
front there.
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What about it?
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Well, it does make the street
look a bit untidy.
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Keith, I'll get it all cleared up
when I can afford a skip.
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I'm not made of money.
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I know. It's... it's just that you
have left them in m-my front garden.
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Because I got Mercedes in mine!
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00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,000
I'd like to apologise for my
husband.
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He's fasting.
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Oh, Keith, would you like to stay
for lunch?
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I've cooked a big pot of
chicken. No! Put it away!
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I can't see the food!
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I can't even smell it!
It's like torture!
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OK, I'll put some in the fridge
for you to have later.
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It's always like this. He gets
low blood sugar and dehydration.
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All right, all right.
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Plus, I think his bladder
shrinks when he's fasting...
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...because as soon as he's had a
drink, it's straight back out again.
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Sweetie!
During Ramadan,
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he's up and down to the toilet
all night long.
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Not in front of the peoples.
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Keith's our friend.
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He's not my friend.
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So, no food or drink, is that it?
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No.
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No?
Also no tang tang.
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Every cloud has a silver lining.
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00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,000
I got it! I got the job!
I got the job!
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I got the job!
She got the job!
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You got the job!
She got the job!
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What job?
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I applied for a job with Amjad's company
and I got it! Can you believe it?
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Well, they employ him!
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Well done, beti.
I'm so proud of you.
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Me too.
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It's not exactly what I want to
do, but it's a lot more money.
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And now that
we're with the same company
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we get to spend more time
together.
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Yeah... except my job's
going to be in India.
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BOTH: What?!
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They want me to help set up
their new office out there.
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But, Shazia, won't India be a long
commute?
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I'd have to live out there, budhoo,
but it wouldn't be for that long.
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How long would it be for?
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A year.
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A year?!
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You can't go to India, Shazia.
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Why not?
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It's a toilet!
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Dad! It's one of the world's
fastest-growing
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and most dynamic economies.
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Well, I must have missed that
meeting.
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00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,000
And they pay all my living
expenses,
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00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,000
so I'd be able to save up enough money
to put a deposit down on a flat.
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That's our dream, isn't it?
To have our own place.
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I suppose.
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When do they want you to start?
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Straightaway.
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What do you think?
Should I do it?
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If you want to.
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Well, what about you?
Will you be OK if I go?
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Oh, yeah.
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Won't you miss me?
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I'll be fine.
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Right.
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Well, I said I'd... let them know
by tomorrow morning.
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This is terrible!
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I know! I'm bloody starving.
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She's going to be in India for a
year. What will happen to Amjad?
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00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,000
He said he'll be fine!
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00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,000
Of course he won't be fine!
Didn't you see his face?
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00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,000
I try not to look at it.
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00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,000
Mrs Aktar's son went to Dubai
for six months
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00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,000
and he and his fiancee broke up.
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00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:19,000
Mark my words - if she goes,
their relationship won't survive.
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00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,000
Oh, well.
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00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,000
If only Amjad was more business
minded, he'd be earning more money.
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00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:29,000
Yes, and if my auntie had
dingly dangly, she'd be my uncle.
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00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,000
Could we help them out
with a deposit for the flat?
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00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000
How?
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00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,000
I don't know! Sell something.
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00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,000
Like what?
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00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000
The car!
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00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,000
Never, ever say that,
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00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,000
not even as a joke.
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00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,000
But we can't let money
come between them.
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00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,000
Don't you remember
when we were first married,
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00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,000
and you had to come over
here on your own
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00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,000
and I had to wait in Pakistan till
you could afford to bring me over?
222
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,000
Yes.
223
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:09,000
And you were here all alone
for all that time.
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Wasn't it awful?
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00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000
Awful! Really, really awful!
226
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,000
We've got to do something.
227
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,000
Can't you get a loan
from the building society?
228
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,000
No, I'll get an Islamic loan
from the mosque.
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00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,000
Interest free, isn't it?
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00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,000
Fine, whatever, just do it.
231
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,000
Why can't the Maliks give
them the money?
232
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:39,000
The Maliks won't care if they
break up. They've never liked us.
233
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,000
Ah, sweetie. That's not true.
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00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,000
It's you they don't like.
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00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,000
That's right.
Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque,
236
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,000
and may Allah bestow his blessings
and mercy upon you.
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00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,000
Oh, and can we get a bucket
of chicken wings as well?
238
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000
Alaikum, boys.
Wa alaikum assalaam.
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00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,000
Where's Dave?
240
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,000
I need to get a loan to
stop daughter going to India.
241
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,000
India?
Exactly. I told her,
242
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,000
"What's wrong with
Leicester?"
243
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,000
Same bloody thing,
just more temples.
244
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:18,000
How's the fasting going?
245
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,000
It's fine. I'm fine.
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00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,000
It's all fine.
Salaam alaikum.
247
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000
Wa alaikum assalaam.
Wa alaikum assalaam.
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00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,000
Hello, Dave.
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00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,000
How's the fasting going? Good.
250
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,000
And you?
Yes, fine, thanks.
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00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,000
You wanted to see me?
252
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,000
Yes, you're in charge of
the mosque hardship fund,
253
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,000
right? That's right.
254
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,000
Well, I need to get a loan.
255
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,000
I see. What's it for?
256
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,000
I can't say. It's a family matter.
257
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:40,000
In Pakistani culture,
family honour is sacred.
258
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,000
Not to be shared with any
ginger Toms, Dicks or Harrys.
259
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,000
Well, I can't authorise a loan
without knowing what it's for.
260
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,000
His daughter's going to India so he
needs the money to stop her from going.
261
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,000
He was going to drag it out of
me in the end.
262
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:56,000
Yes, well, I'm afraid that doesn't sound
like the sort of thing that will qualify.
263
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,000
What? Why not?
264
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,000
It's a hardship fund, Mr Khan.
265
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,000
A lot of people see going to India
as a great opportunity.
266
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000
It's a very youthful and exciting
place these days.
267
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:08,000
Alton Towers is a very youthful
and exciting place, Dave.
268
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,000
India is a dump.
269
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,000
I'm sorry, but I can't help you.
270
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,000
So where am I supposed to
find the money?
271
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,000
I've got an idea.
272
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,000
You know I came into
a bit of a windfall recently...
273
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,000
Of course! Brilliant, Riaz.
That's it.
274
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,000
Maybe, if you prayed really
hard like I did...
275
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,000
Right, that's not it,
276
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,000
but you don't mind giving me a loan
anyway, huh?
277
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,000
Interest free, of course? Wouldn't
want you to do anything un-Islamic?
278
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,000
OK.
279
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,000
Great! You see, Dave?
280
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,000
This is how real Muslims
look out for each other.
281
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,000
Now, exactly how much
are we talking about?
282
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,000
I don't really know.
Oh, you must have some idea.
283
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,000
The man said it could be up to
several thousand pounds.
284
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,000
What man?
The man on the phone.
285
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,000
Where precisely
is this money coming from?
286
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,000
I've been mis-sold
PPI protection insurance.
287
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,000
The man said they're going to get me
all my money back in compensation
288
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,000
as well. I see.
289
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,000
And have you ever taken out
290
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,000
any PPI policies? No.
291
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,000
So how the hell are you
meant to get anything back?
292
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Oh, yeah.
293
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,000
So there is no money.
294
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,000
Of course there's no money.
Ah, well.
295
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,000
And stop eating those bloody
crisps!
296
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,000
I thought you said
you weren't hungry?
297
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,000
Of course I'm hungry.
298
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,000
I'm bloody starving.
299
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,000
Yoo-hoo!
Anybody want to try my jalebi.
300
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,000
No, thank you, Mrs Bilal.
301
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,000
Go on, Mr Khan, I know
you can't resist my jalebis.
302
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000
Not today, Mrs Bilal.
303
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,000
Go on, you know you want to.
304
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,000
I do. I do want your jalebis,
Mrs Bilal...
305
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:41,000
more than anything,
but I can't have it.
306
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:44,000
OK. I'll come back later.
307
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:58,000
Right, get this loan, in a minute
I can eat something - tickety-boo.
308
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,000
HUMS MERRILY
309
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,000
I'm going to open my fast.
310
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,000
I've got my date.
311
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,000
Hmm-hmm-hmm!
312
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000
There! Very good.
313
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,000
Oh-oh-oh!
314
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,000
HE SNEEZES
315
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,000
Oh, twaddi!
316
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,000
Ohhh!
317
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,000
PHONE:
Food, glorious
food...
318
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,000
SHOUTS IN URDU
319
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,000
Ah.
320
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Heh-heh.
321
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,000
Aah!
322
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,000
Ah.
323
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000
HE GROWLS
324
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,000
Mr Khan? Steve.
Steven Harrington.
325
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
I'm the branch manager here.
I'm so sorry to have kept you.
326
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,000
It's OK.
327
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,000
Got to keep hydrated.
328
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,000
So, shall we go into my office?
329
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:13,000
Mm. Oh, I'm supposed to drink
two litres a day of this stuff,
330
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,000
but you know, it's a lot,
isn't it?
331
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,000
I guess...
it just goes straight through me,
332
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,000
if you... know what I mean.
333
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:24,000
So, I understand you wish to
talk about a loan application.
334
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,000
That's right.
335
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:31,000
I'll just find the form. There's
forms for everything these days.
336
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,000
Especially in this business.
Drowning in paperwork.
337
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:39,000
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip,
drip, drip.
338
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,000
It's like Chinese water torture.
339
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,000
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
340
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,000
And when you get to my level,
the floodgates open.
341
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,000
Pouring in, it's like turning
on a tap. Oh!
342
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
And out... they... gush!
343
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,000
Oof!
344
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,000
Pressure builds up
345
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,000
and you find yourself fighting to
hold it back before it all bursts.
346
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,000
I just don't know where this
form is.
347
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,000
Ah, Claire will know.
I'll give her a tinkle.
348
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,000
Oh!
349
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:09,000
Oh, no, no, no. I've got it.
Here it is. Here it is.
350
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,000
Ah, now I just need to make
a few photocopies of this,
351
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,000
so is it OK if I leave you alone
for a few seconds?
352
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,000
Yes, OK.
OK, I won't be long.
353
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000
Two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Oh, God...
354
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:22,000
Oh, twaddi!
355
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Oh, God!
356
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,000
Oh!
357
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,000
Oof!
358
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,000
Ah.
359
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,000
Ah!
360
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,000
Oh...
361
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:19,000
Oh... Oh-uh-oh-oh!
362
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,000
Oh-uh-uh-oh!
363
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,000
Oh... Ah!
364
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,000
There we go.
365
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,000
Ah. So, are you OK?
366
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,000
I am now.
367
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,000
Great. So, if we can get on.
368
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,000
Only I'm going out for dinner later.
You're going out for dinner?
369
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,000
Yes.
Where are you going?
370
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,000
Afzals on Stratford Road.
371
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,000
Good choice.
372
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,000
Yes, it's very nice. I know.
373
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,000
Only I don't want to be late,
so if we could...
374
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,000
Why don't we go there now? What?
375
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,000
Well, let's have the meeting there.
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
376
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,000
Come on, it'll be fine!
We'll order some Shami kebabs.
377
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,000
Some chicken tikka.
Tandoori paratha.
378
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,000
Maybe some spicy prawn puri.
379
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,000
I... I don't think so.
380
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,000
It's OK.
If you don't like it, I'll have it.
381
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:14,000
The thing is, I'm... I'm meeting
my wife. It's our anniversary.
382
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,000
I don't mind.
383
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,000
But she will.
384
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000
Will she? She doesn't sound
very nice.
385
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,000
What?
386
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,000
Not very friendly.
387
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:24,000
Why don't you tell her to stay
at home,
388
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
then we can order whatever we want
and have our meeting in peace?
389
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,000
So, you wish to take out a loan.
390
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,000
That's right.
391
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000
May I ask why you require the money?
392
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,000
To stop daughter going to
India.
393
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,000
I'm sorry?
394
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,000
Daughter's got a job offer
from India.
395
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,000
She's going to get paid lots more
money. We don't want her to go.
396
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,000
Why not?
India's a terrible country.
397
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,000
Dirty, smelly. Not like Pakistan.
398
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,000
And do you know
the worst thing about India?
399
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000
The Indians!
400
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,000
Is that right?
401
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,000
Horrible peoples.
Short, fat, ugly, no manners
402
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,000
and they've got poo breath.
403
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,000
My wife is Indian.
404
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,000
We're looking to borrow? 10,000.
405
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,000
I see.
406
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,000
What do you think?
407
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Now, as some of you know, I'm quite
good at creating spreadsheets.
408
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:36,000
He won an award.
409
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,000
Mum!
410
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,000
So I thought it might be helpful
if we looked at Shazia's decision
411
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,000
in terms of choosing a mobile phone
tariff -
412
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:51,000
i.e. finding the product that best suits
your own personal needs for yourself.
413
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,000
Can't we just talk about it?
414
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:58,000
He's done a chart, Shazia. Carry
on, beta. You're doing very well.
415
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:02,000
So, I thought we could do
a going-to-India tariff and a...
416
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,000
not-going-to-India tariff.
417
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,000
And the one with the most ticks
would be the one that best suits
418
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,000
your own personal needs for
yourself.
419
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,000
Brilliant.
420
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,000
Go on, then.
421
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Right, well, I've entered
all the variables,
422
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:18,000
so if I just click here, then...
423
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:23,000
Oh.
424
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,000
What?
425
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,000
It says that you should go.
426
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,000
What? Do it again, Amjad.
427
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,000
The computer can't lie.
428
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,000
I might have missed
something out.
429
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,000
Can I say something?
430
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,000
Shoot.
431
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,000
What do YOU think?
432
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:43,000
Well... I made a spreadsheet.
433
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Forget the spreadsheet.
434
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,000
He's only trying to help.
435
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:50,000
I just want to make sure
you make the right decision.
436
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,000
What if you didn't have to
save?
437
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,000
What if you already had enough to
put down a deposit on the flat?
438
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,000
That would make a difference,
wouldn't it?
439
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,000
I suppose.
440
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,000
Well, then, your father is going to
solve all our problems!
441
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,000
Well, that would be a first.
442
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:15,000
Bowl of chicken curry in the
fridge. Mrs Khan, I love you!
443
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,000
Gimme chicken, gimme,
gimme chicken!
444
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:20,000
Aah! Where is it?
445
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,000
Hi, Papaji.
446
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000
Where is my bloody chicken?
447
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,000
We ate it.
448
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:25,000
C'etait delicieux.
449
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000
HE GROANS
450
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,000
Aah! Ow!
451
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,000
Papa, please have something to eat,
you've been fasting all day.
452
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000
There you are! We've been
waiting for you.
453
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,000
Come. Come and tell them
your good news. Tell them.
454
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,000
Here he is!
455
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,000
HE WINCES
456
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,000
Say something!
457
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,000
Huh? Assalaam alaikum.
458
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,000
What are you doing?
459
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,000
I feel funny.
460
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,000
Have you had anything to eat? No.
461
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,000
But then, eat something!
462
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,000
YELLS: I've been trying to!
463
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,000
My husband is fasting.
464
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,000
Have a biscuit.
465
00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,000
Sorry, that was the last one.
466
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,000
YELLS: Why?!
467
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,000
Just tell them about the money.
What?
468
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,000
The money from the building society.
469
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,000
Oh, yes. Of course.
470
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,000
The money.
471
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000
I didn't get it.
472
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,000
What?
473
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,000
They wouldn't give it to me.
Why not?
474
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Because I wee'd in the fish
tank.
475
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,000
Oh, my God!
476
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,000
And I said his wife had poo breath!
477
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:41,000
I couldn't help myself.
478
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,000
It's all India's fault!
479
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,000
You stupid, stupid man!
480
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,000
That's it, then.
I'm going to India.
481
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,000
Right. I'll go and let them know.
482
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:00,000
I think perhaps I'd better go
too.
483
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,000
No, wait!
I can't let you do this.
484
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:04,000
It's OK, Mum. Really.
485
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,000
I always think
there's nothing so unattractive
486
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,000
as an overprotective mum.
487
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:14,000
Careful with that, Amjad.
It's hot.
488
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:16,000
Ohh!
489
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,000
HE SIGHS
490
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,000
Amjad.
491
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:31,000
I'm very weak with hunger, and it might
have affected the balance of my mind,
492
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:35,000
but I don't think you should let
Shazia go to India.
493
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,000
But Shazia said it made
sense for her to go.
494
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,000
Amjad. As you go through life,
495
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,000
you will learn something
about womens.
496
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,000
Like what?
497
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Sometimes you have to show that
you are willing to fight for them.
498
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,000
When I first met Mrs Khan...
499
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,000
she had many admirers
500
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,000
and had I not told her
how I felt about her,
501
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,000
she would not have known
how much I liked her.
502
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:06,000
And in the end, she might have gone
off with one of the other admirers.
503
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,000
Then where would we be?
504
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,000
Amjad...
505
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,000
...what I'm saying to you is this.
506
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:24,000
That you cannot wait for a woman to
guess how you feel about her.
507
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,000
In the end, you just have to
tell her.
508
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,000
I've got to e-mail them
some details tonight.
509
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:34,000
Wait.
510
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,000
What is it?
511
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:38,000
I've thought of another tick.
512
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,000
SIGHS: Go on, then.
513
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,000
I don't want you to go.
514
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,000
What?
515
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,000
Look. I know that this is
a great opportunity
516
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,000
and we need the money, and like,
a million other things, but...
517
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,000
...I love you and I
can't bear to be without you.
518
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,000
Oh, budhoo.
519
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,000
Oh, ladoo...
520
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,000
I am so sorry.
521
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,000
Why didn't you just say that
before?
522
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,000
I didn't want to get in your
way.
523
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,000
But that's all I needed to hear.
524
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,000
Well done!
525
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,000
Hmm.
526
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,000
MR KHAN: Aah! My knee!
527
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,000
I think it's broken!
528
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,000
SIREN WAILS
529
00:27:33,050 --> 00:27:37,600
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