All language subtitles for Catastrophe s02e06.eng

Giving ?15,000 of our money
away without telling me is lying.

I wanted to help your brother, not mine,

to keep a roof over his family's head.

Catherine dumped me,

so I really want her to
think I'm, like, "in danger".

That's what this is all about.

If I wasn't married...

If my marriage were in slightly
worse shape, I would totally...

Olivia's made a rather
serious complaint against you.

She no longer feels comfortable

- working in the same environment as you.
- What?

- Earlier today... (He snorts)
- (She chuckles)

Do you want to put the baby down?

(Baby gurgles)

(Horn beeps)

Hey, man! Terrific! *

Oh, I'm not high.

Great. Ah, you mind if I
put these in the back seat?

Go ahead. Oh, y-you know what?

I-I fucked a plus size
model back there last night.

I'm going to be honest with
you, it was a bit of a mess.

Just like that, like... like
it was nothing, like, I don't...

This is crazy.

I don't want to talk about
it in front of Melissa.

- OK, Melissa, could you give us a minute?
- Sure...

And don't call me as a character
witness in your sexual harassment trial,

because I don't feel I could
be very helpful, right now.

Uh, Melissa, just to get you up
to speed, here, there's no trial.

- Don't talk to Melissa.
- OK, I see you're not interested in

sane dialogue, so I'm going to go.

But we at least need to arrange a time

- where I can...
- You can e-mail me.

- OK, uh, so w-when...?
- Just e-mail me.

OK.

Is your e-mail address still
ImpatientShithead@Mean.jerk?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Is yours still FatIdiot@BadBreath.cunt?

- I don't have bad breath.
- Yeah, you do.

Melissa, does he have bad breath?

It's just too much coffee, I think.

It's not like halitosis. You
just need to drink more water.

Can you drive? I'm
legitimately afraid of her.

I looked in her eyes back there
and there's, like, nothing to lose.

"Dot cunt". (He laughs) That's awesome.

Is that an actual domain name?
Because if it is, I will buy that.

Sync & corrections by PetaG
- www.addic7ed.com -

I think this neighbourhood could
suit us. Smaller houses, too.

Our house is just too big and showy.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, you have to keep it real.
- Exactly.

That was a Vietnamese restaurant
till it shut down last week.

Who knows what they'll put
there next. Could be anything.

Yeah, could be a Betfred.

- Where's Rob today?
- Oh, don't you know?

Aren't you in business with him?

You know Mum and Dad are
mortified about all this.

- Y'know Morrises don't get divorced.
- We're not getting...

- Yeah, what about next time they go home?
- ... divorced!

How's Mum going to tell Dymphna Brennan?

You think of your mum, waddling
up to Dymphna Brennan...

cos you know how bad her hip is now...

waddling up, as if everything
wasn't bad enough already,

- waddling up to her...
- Shut up, Fergal.

And, just to be practical,
your street value's declined.

I mean, you're old now and you've kids.

Think there's going to be
something better out there for you?

Pff!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell
you, remember that guy you

went out with at school,
Connor Byrne, remember him?

- Course, what about him?
- He died.

I saw it on Facebook this morning.

He died? He's dead?

Yeah. That's your dating pool now.

Dead guys, letting agents...
maybe... and your husband.

And that's it. Bird in the hand, what?

(Unsettling orchestral music)

Ah, Dave?

Oh, hey, man. D-don't
worry about this, it's...

This is just Friday.

Whatever, do what you've
got to do, it's your house,

but, ah, would you mind turning
that video game thing down?

Er, it's been on loop for a few hours.

Is that what the noise is?

Oh, Sasha said it was inside our heads.

Oh, my God, I'm so relieved
it's coming from there.

I thought I had a problem.

You know, Dave, I'm getting the sense

this might not be the right place for me.

I mean, I-I can't bring the kids.

Muireann's just a baby,
her skin's so porous,

I don't want her getting a
bunch of coke in her bloodstream.

This isn't coke. This is krokodil.

Like I'd do coke around a baby!

I love seeing you in my home, buddy,

_

(Phone rings)

- Hey, Mom.
- So,

I've just got off the horn with Sharon

and, if you want my honest opinion,

this is the best thing that
could have happened to you.

Really? 'Cause it doesn't feel like it.

Yeah, I've spoken to Susan
Greenburg's husband, Mitchell,

and he says he can get you a killer lawyer

who'll... (Chuckles) I'm
not saying send her to jail

but he can definitely get
you full custody of the kids.

I don't want full custody of the kids.

No, you're right, start over, clean slate.

- I've got to go to work.
- No, you don't.

Sharon told me you're under house arrest

for sexually assaulting some French woman.

- I didn't sexually assault anyone.
- I know you didn't.

And, even if you did,
it doesn't define you,

it's just a thing you did.

(Phone notification sounds)
Oh, oh, oh, I-I've gotta go.

Did you know that you can
actually message people

from inside eBay?

I will always answer one of those.

Goodbye, baby.

- Where you taking them?
- Don't know.

Uh, we might hit a Stay And Play
or we might fly out to Botswana.

Are their passports in the bag?

First, that's not funny and, second,
you would need a notarised letter

from me to leave the
country with them, because

I looked that up and
that will never happen.

First, it is funny and, second,

I looked it up too and you're right.

- Hey! Bye.
- Bye, Mummy.

Bye-bye, bye-bye, have fun.

Does he ever use those pads when he...

you know, when he goes downtown?

He uses a pillow.

Oh, OK.

More importantly, what's
going on with you and Rob?

Oh, I just... I just kind
of hate him at the moment.

I... I gave up everything for him and he...

What did you have to give up?

I had a...

I gave up my career for him. My body.

I have to wear a padded bra now just
so my giant nipples don't poke through,

even when I'm wearing a
fucking leather jacket.

Your nipples got big? My nipples got long.

Mine got big and long.

And he repaid me by lying about money

and having a verbal sex
affair with a French slut,

who I've looked up online, so
I've got no qualms saying that.

She had purple eye shadow
on in her corporate photo.

You're disappointed he's not
perfect? Well, that's on you, not him.

What?

Take it from someone who's recently
wrapped up her own imperfect marriage...

get him back before it's too late.

- A rose for my rose?
- Oh, lovely.

A rose.

Before it's had the
chance to fully blossom.

Plucked from my very own garden.

We're the only men here.

I thought dads were supposed to parent now?

Not really.

It's like a meat market
with a special on mum chops.

Nah, this well's poisoned.
They've seen me here with Sharon.

Ah well, the odds are good...

...but the goods are odd.

Do you want to get out of here?

No way! This is the most
fun I've had in weeks.

You have all these plans
for your life post-marriage,

then you remember you're pushing
50 and the Sky football package

is, in fact, quite competitively priced.

So, what's the plan? You want
to rehearse your apology with me?

- I haven't done anything wrong.
- OK, OJ.

- What? I didn't...
- Come on.

You put a down payment on an
affair, you dish-faced American twat.

You let Emmanuelle know there's
cracks in the dam at home.

And that stinks.

Stinks like French pussy.

Oh, and Frankie got a
little cut on his finger.

- How did he cut his finger?
- He said a man with a sword did it.

I didn't see any men with swords.

Right, well, I'm going to go.

Wait, well, erm, I just
wanted to say, erm...

Well, I just wanted to...
sorry for some of the things...

I mean, I think it's, you know, maybe

certain things I could have
handled a bit better, I suppose.

OK, thank you.

(She chuckles)

Thank you?

I-I just said sorry and
you said, "Thank you"?

Well, you didn't say, "Sorry",

you said, "Sorry for some of the
things...". That's not an apology.

It wasn't supposed to
be an apology, that...

I didn't even want to apologise.
I've got nothing to apologise for.

I've got nothing to apologise for
because I didn't do anything wrong.

(Sighs)

What I did was like a
fidelity traffic violation.

You told that woman,
or as good as told her,

that you think about fucking her
often and you got yourself fired.

I haven't been fired, I'm just not
allowed to go to work right now.

Plus, I'd say there was
a pretty big difference

between that and what I actually said.

If you didn't say it
then it's what you exuded.

You don't know what I exude.

You exude black... squid ink.

What are you talking about?
That doesn't even make any sense.

- It makes sense.
- Hey!

Just what did you gain for
not telling that French cow

exactly where to get off w-when
she said all that shit to you?

Did you want her to like you?

Not everyone has to like
you, you're not a puppy,

you're an adult man with a wife.

Honest people who tell people how they feel

when they feel it have
people not like them, OK?

That's what I do. I-I have earned
the right to have people dislike me.

I am very happy to have people not like me.

No shit.

- Let me call the Associated Press.
- And you know what I think?

I think the truth is your
marriage wasn't a fucking funfair

100% of the time, you child,

so you had to have yourself a little
escape hatch pussy at the ready.

Well...

Wipe Frankie's ass better next
time because when I picked him up

it was not clean and it made the car smell.

Oh...!

Hello, it's Sharon.

What are you doing tonight?

Dave, something's burning.

Are you cooking?

Hey!

Wait, wait, wait, where are you going?

- I'm going to get a hotel.
- No, no, no, no.

No, no you've got this all
wrong. I'm cleaning up my act.

See, I-I had Ken come over specifically
to finish off the drugs with me.

And later I have a
cleaning lady coming over,

so now my home is a safe place
for kids and their drugs...

- D-dads.
- Ah... er...

thanks for letting me stay,
Dave. I-I'll-I'll call you.

Well, I-I'm going to
bake a Key lime pie later,

so w-why don't you come back then?

For pie!

Where's the toilet?

Huh? Oh, it's... it's just there.

Do you have another one further away?

Watch whatever you want,
eat whatever you want.

There's some coconut bullshit in
the fridge, I don't know what it is.

Ah, please eat it.

Oh, erm, I noticed you had some
little Heinekens from the fridge

last time you were here.

I don't want you to drink, is that OK?

Even a little can of...
when you're with my kids.

Well, there was nothing else to drink.

Even... even still. Just have
some tap water. From the tap.

Where's Rob?

- Er, I don't know where he is.
- What, did he leave ya?

- No, I kicked him out.
- Shit.

- You kicked him out?
- Yeah.

That's nuts. You all right?

Yeah, I'm very all right.

- Wait, you kicked him out?
- Yeah.

- God, that's nuts, that is.
- Yep. So you said.

Right, I'm going. I'll see you later.

Why do you think it's nuts? What's so nuts?

Well, I... I don't know.
He's just fit, isn't he?

Yeah.

- Do you not think I'm fit?
- What?

Nothing. Doesn't matter.
I've counted the beers.

(Exhales)

(Exhales again)

(Tsks)

Ah, for goodness' sake.

(Scoffs)

(Exhales)

(M - Pop Musiak plays)

And Brian said if I'd
been less brazen about it

he might not have kicked me out.

Oh, right. Yeah.

But I had receipts for lube from, like,

- five different chemists in my bag.
- Right.

You know how you need a lot
more lube when you get older?

But I get to see the kids
every other weekend, though.

- Ah!
- Ellie, my four-year-old,

called me a slag the last time I saw her.

- Christ.
- I'm not helping...

You know? So think about it for a minute

before you move into a dirty
houseboat with a tanning-bed salesman.

Even if he does have a massive cock.

- Look...
- No, I mean it's massive.

How's it going, lads?

Yeah, I was just saying, do
you know who you look like?

Er, your PE teacher?

(Friend laughing)

People say I look like
a filthy Natalie Portman.

Do you want a drink?

Say yes.

- Uh, yeah.
- Love it.

(Muffled banging and groaning)

(Muffled crash and giggling)

(Muffled banging and groaning)

(Bryan Ferry - Avalon plays)

Can I have an escort?

OK, I'm sorry...

Um...

can you give me the phone number
for not an expensive one?

OK, sorry... I... I-I mean...

You're right and, plus...

I was only kidding! And
you need to lighten up.

I'm just partying, if you wanna come up.

(Sighs)

What's your name?

OK, thanks, Kevin, maybe next time.

(Phone beeps)

_

(He laughs)

No.

(He groans)

Fucking...

(He groans again)

Do you think they're
talking to them about us?

(Sharon laughs)

Ah, I doubt it.

We bought them those drinks

on the understanding that they
would then buy us drinks.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Hang on! Did they just buy them drinks?

You did not pay it forwards.

I'm going over there.

What? No, wait. Don't... don't go!

Be patient.

(Classical music plays)

Hey, Dave?

Hey, Dave?!

Dave?!

Dave?!

Lamp.

Dave, are you here?!

Jesus, Dave.

Dave?

Hey, wake up, man.

(He slaps repeatedly) Wake the fuck up!

(He grunts)

(He grunts)

Are you breathing?

Are you breathing, you fucking
45-year-old heroin-partier?

(He splutters and moans)

(He whimpers)

Hello? I-I have an OD.

My friend OD'd.

On Clark Street.

Hey.

- Want a drink?
- Oh, no, I've had enough, I'll just...

Oh, well, yeah, I'll have a Diet
Coke. But what are you having?

- Um, whisky. OK!
- Yeah, OK, I'll have one of those.

We thought we lost you to
Elsa and Anna over there.

- Who?
- Have you not seen Frozen?

Oh, I suppose you wouldn't... if
you didn't... oh, it doesn't matter.

So... what's... what's
the deal with all this?

Do you play with bear...
wrestling, whatever?

(He laughs) No, it's CrossFit, baby.

Gross.

Hey, uh... you ever been up
on the roof of this place?

It's pretty cool, you can see
for, like, a thousand miles.

(Sharon laughs)

Really? Over full 1,000s?

So, like, all the way to Namibia?

Where?

Na-mi-bi... oh, it doesn't
matter. Come on, let's go.

I love a good roof.

- Hey!
- I'm just going up on the roof!

Where'd the other one go?

He's in a stable for now.

I mean, he's in a coma,
but the good news is that

anything that is gonna
happen has already happened...

...other than death.

So, now we just wait,
see what damage there's...

y'know, that's totally...

um, you know, that's to be figured out.

- That's, um, TBD.
- Jesus.

- I feel terrible.
- Why? Because you got mad

when he lied to you?

- M-men shouldn't lie to women...
- Don't feel you need to talk to me.

OK, I'll just be here
by the vending machine.

And, only if you get the chance
because this is a huge favour, but

I put ?2 in the machine
for some chicken soup.

It's E-6 and no chicken soup came out!

So, if there's a machine in
the doctors' lounge, you co...

I'm just so...

...fuckin' hungry.

(Banjo music plays)

(He sobs)

- (Baby gurgles)
- (Sharon groans)

_

(Phone rings)

Hey.

Hey.

Are you OK?

Jesus! I don't want him to die.

I mean, cos I quite like him, but also
he just made me feel better about me.

Thanks for telling me.

Well, who else am I gonna tell?

(Baby coos)

Sorry, I know I smell like a festival
toilet, I drank a lot last night.

- No.
- Brushed my teeth five times,

I had a shower, I don't even know where
the smell's coming from. It's like...

my liver? I dunno...

W-where's Frankie?

What?!

Do you not have him?!

- (Sharon chuckles)
- (Rob chuckles also)

He's at Ollie's.

How are you?

Very shit.

- How are you?
- Very not well.

Look, I've really thought about everything.

So have I.

So have, I-I think this is how
I'm gonna get my head round it.

You hated your job, right?
I mean, you really hated it.

And this French hussy waltzed in
and made things exciting for a while

and-and you let her, because...

y-you're weak.

- And stupid.
- And, yeah, and sometimes,

when I feel worthless and ugly...

...I go to the coffee place
by the canal, because the

Spanish guy who works there
definitely wants to fuck me.

I mean, he definitely wants
to... and I let him want that...

with my body language and...

and sometimes my words language.

What I did is worse because
I jeopardised everything.

- No, you just...
- What did you want?

Some free cinnamon on your cappuccino?

- I put my job and my family at risk...
- Yeah, well, maybe don't... you know,

- because I'm already finding it hard to...
- OK.

...just get my head around the...

I don't want to be alone.

- I don't either.
- I don't feel safe in the house.

You know, on my own.

There's new night-time noise
and... it's not a fox, or a mou...

I don't know what it is but it's...

- There's a bad new night-time noise.
- OK.

I would like to help
you identify that noise

and I know you wanted to move
the bed against the other wall,

and you can't do that on your own.

Are they good enough
reasons to stay together?

Maybe not but here's another one...

I've been looking at flats and
they're so expensive.

I'd have to move 30-miles
away from you and the kids

and I don't want to do that.

And, this is a tiny one, but...

as I look at you, all the reasons
that I fell in love with you

have come flooding back so much
that I think I might throw up.

And, again, flats are very expensive.

I mean, they do sound really expensive.

- Have you slept with anyone?
- No!

I did jerk off a couple times at Dave's,

cos his porn collection is,
like, museum-level, but that's it.

Have you?

- What?
- Slept with anyone...

Course I haven't fucking slept with anyone!

- Really?
- Ha! No!

No!

I can't show this fanny
to anyone... it's a mess.

There's, like, scar tissue and...
I don't even wanna look at it.

The only person I can
show this fanny to is you.

Can you show it to me right now?

(They moan)

- Oh, shit, there's a guy.
- He can't see us.

OK!

I love you.

I love you!

(He grunts)

(Phone beeps)

_

(Frankie) ...frog.

(Frankie) Ribbit.

(Phone rings)

- Hey.
- Hi, Kate, it's, ah, Sharon.

How's it going?

- Are you still with...?
- Am I still with who?

What's-his-name. From last night.

No! I am not.

I'm at home with my
husband and my kids...

and I've just made a lasagne,
and now I'm putting toys away.

- Good for you.
- Can you just tell me,

approximately, what happened last night?

There's a huge chunk
of it I can't remember.

I dunno.

You went off with your man.

F-For what, like, like a minute?

More like an hour!

(Kate laughs)

And then you left.

Like, with him.

(Kate laughs)

Oh, shit.

Oh my God, what have I
done, I can't even... um...

(She pants)

Oh, God.

Oh, shit.

(Rob runs upstairs) Honey!

Frankie wants to show you
the poop that he just did.

Before you say no, it's pretty amazing.

Sure.

(She pants)

Oh, God.

- Hi.
- Can I help you?

Yeah, um, I need Plan B.

Like, a morning after pill. Or whatever.

I mean, I probably don't... but I'm just
gonna... I need the morning after pill.

Oh, shit.

You think Frankie understands the plot?

It's just two cowboys fallin' in
love. I think he probably gets it.

(Doorbell rings)

I'm minding Muireann.

OK...

- Here you go, and ah, keep the change.
- Thank you.

Oh, um, this was in there. Cheers.

_

What the fuck?

(Police siren blares)

Mmm.

(Sharon chuckles)

You OK?

Pretty spicy.

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