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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,644
- Aw, look, she's asleep.
- Yeah.
2
00:00:03,031 --> 00:00:04,231
Look at her.
3
00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:07,052
Look... look at her!
4
00:00:08,184 --> 00:00:10,981
[Sharon chuckles]
5
00:00:12,344 --> 00:00:16,344
[Music box plays: Fr?re Jacques]
6
00:00:18,384 --> 00:00:20,136
Can I have a cuddle now?
7
00:00:20,544 --> 00:00:21,770
Sure.
8
00:00:23,184 --> 00:00:25,797
- Can I have a mouth cuddle?
- Mm-hmm.
9
00:00:28,064 --> 00:00:31,943
[Sharon laughs]
10
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,291
What's funny?
11
00:00:33,652 --> 00:00:34,863
No, it's...
12
00:00:34,864 --> 00:00:36,591
To the lullaby music, it's...
13
00:00:36,592 --> 00:00:37,992
Sorry... [She laughs]
14
00:00:37,993 --> 00:00:40,337
Do you want me to put on some Mot?rhead?
15
00:00:40,338 --> 00:00:42,632
I mean, tell... tell me what
you want me to put on, cos...
16
00:00:42,633 --> 00:00:44,154
I'd like to have sex with you.
17
00:00:44,155 --> 00:00:45,755
Me, too. I just...
18
00:00:45,756 --> 00:00:47,766
Can we do it in the morning?
19
00:00:51,589 --> 00:00:53,089
[Rob sighs]
20
00:00:53,549 --> 00:00:54,868
What's the matter?
21
00:00:54,869 --> 00:00:56,148
Nothing.
22
00:00:56,149 --> 00:00:57,588
No, you know what?
23
00:00:57,589 --> 00:01:01,061
Sexual rain checks are abusive.
24
00:01:01,546 --> 00:01:02,746
What?!
25
00:01:04,181 --> 00:01:06,603
What?! I just got a fucking baby to sleep.
26
00:01:06,604 --> 00:01:09,380
It's just not healthy the
way that you are with her now.
27
00:01:09,381 --> 00:01:11,840
You know what you remind me
of, the way that you hold her,
28
00:01:11,841 --> 00:01:13,659
the way that you gaze at her?
29
00:01:13,981 --> 00:01:15,260
Gollum...
30
00:01:15,349 --> 00:01:18,718
from Lord Of The Rings? Andy...
Smeagol, the weird CGI man thing?
31
00:01:18,719 --> 00:01:20,339
Yeah, I know, who Gollum is.
32
00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:22,751
Good, because that's what I
see when I look at you now.
33
00:01:22,752 --> 00:01:24,038
- Because?
- Because of the way you're all
34
00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:25,315
hunched over her like,
35
00:01:25,316 --> 00:01:28,948
"Don't touch my precious.
Stay away from my precious."
36
00:01:28,949 --> 00:01:31,582
Well, you know... erm... first off,
37
00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:34,060
I thought you were comparing me to
Gollum because of my sunken eyes,
38
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:37,365
so now I don't even care,
and secondly, look at you.
39
00:01:37,366 --> 00:01:40,762
You're shouting at your
family with a massive boner.
40
00:01:40,763 --> 00:01:42,857
- Are you proud of yourself?
- I'm not shouting.
41
00:01:42,858 --> 00:01:45,000
Why are you still hard?
42
00:01:45,614 --> 00:01:48,577
[Baby cries]
43
00:01:49,089 --> 00:01:51,158
Sync & corrections by PetaG
- www.addic7ed.com -
44
00:01:53,389 --> 00:01:54,628
Fran's seeing someone.
45
00:01:54,629 --> 00:01:56,640
I'm...95% sure.
46
00:01:56,651 --> 00:01:58,789
- Why are you so sure?
- She told me.
47
00:01:59,392 --> 00:02:02,271
But I figured there's a 5% chance
she's lying just to piss me off.
48
00:02:02,272 --> 00:02:03,751
Right. What are you going to do?
49
00:02:03,752 --> 00:02:06,079
I'm going to wait until Jeffrey's
18, then I'm going to divorce her.
50
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,548
Let Fran fuck her new lover boy
51
00:02:07,549 --> 00:02:11,432
and I can fuck whoever I want to
fuck... or hug... for Christ's sake.
52
00:02:12,504 --> 00:02:14,163
I'd settle for a hug. I would...
53
00:02:14,637 --> 00:02:15,837
I'll hug you.
54
00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,550
Come on, then.
55
00:02:21,352 --> 00:02:23,791
I'm serious, you know, you
only get one shot at life
56
00:02:23,792 --> 00:02:26,323
and then you end up in a ditch or an urn.
57
00:02:26,912 --> 00:02:28,564
I don't want to have any regrets.
58
00:02:31,601 --> 00:02:32,983
Sometimes...
59
00:02:33,397 --> 00:02:36,213
And I've had this feeling for a
number of years and never acted on it,
60
00:02:36,214 --> 00:02:39,073
but sometimes I find myself
thinking that I'd like to have
61
00:02:39,074 --> 00:02:41,716
sexual intercourse with
women who have penises.
62
00:02:43,829 --> 00:02:45,029
Right...
63
00:02:45,030 --> 00:02:48,609
Where she plays with my penis and I
play with hers, sexually, in a bed.
64
00:02:48,992 --> 00:02:52,071
- Ok.
- "Ok" ok?
65
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,631
Yeah, OK.
66
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,271
You're separated from your wife,
67
00:02:55,272 --> 00:02:58,351
you're 95% sure she's
fucking somebody else.
68
00:02:58,352 --> 00:03:01,111
If you want to do a consensual
thing with another adult that makes
69
00:03:01,112 --> 00:03:04,055
you happy or jizz then you should do it.
70
00:03:04,056 --> 00:03:05,843
It's not a gay thing. I
don't think it's a gay thing.
71
00:03:05,844 --> 00:03:07,375
- Who cares?
- I do.
72
00:03:07,512 --> 00:03:09,848
OK, then... it's not a gay thing.
73
00:03:12,672 --> 00:03:14,262
Want to share a burrata?
74
00:03:14,432 --> 00:03:15,632
Yeah.
75
00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:18,109
Look at her. She's gorgeous.
76
00:03:18,312 --> 00:03:21,866
- Aw... babies get so much attention!
- [Sharon laughs]
77
00:03:21,867 --> 00:03:24,459
It's nice, isn't it? For the mums.
78
00:03:25,265 --> 00:03:28,224
It's funny but with all
Jeffrey's film, TV work,
79
00:03:28,232 --> 00:03:30,711
- that's never really stopped for us.
- Right...
80
00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:32,913
- Where is Jeffrey?
- He's erm...
81
00:03:33,273 --> 00:03:35,594
He's having some acupuncture
done in his trailer.
82
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:38,259
Bradley Cooper won't make
eye contact with anyone
83
00:03:38,392 --> 00:03:40,277
so he was getting a little bit anxious.
84
00:03:42,112 --> 00:03:44,544
Hello, there, Mi...
85
00:03:45,129 --> 00:03:46,329
Mu...
86
00:03:46,449 --> 00:03:47,968
How do you say her name again?
87
00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:49,394
Muireann.
88
00:03:50,912 --> 00:03:53,631
It's all character-building
stuff, isn't it, a tricky name?
89
00:03:53,632 --> 00:03:55,414
- I wouldn't worry about it.
- I'm not.
90
00:03:55,829 --> 00:03:57,745
- How's Rob?
- How's Rob?
91
00:03:57,746 --> 00:03:59,061
He's er...
92
00:03:59,869 --> 00:04:03,788
- ...selfish, horny, good with the kids.
- That must be nice,
93
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,527
having a horny husband.
94
00:04:06,072 --> 00:04:07,957
For the last year, every
night I went to bed,
95
00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:09,537
Chris pretended to be asleep.
96
00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:13,381
Snores, sleepy little
fidgets, the odd fart.
97
00:04:13,722 --> 00:04:16,288
It bothered me at first but
then something inside me died
98
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:17,648
and I just stopped caring.
99
00:04:18,112 --> 00:04:20,791
I mean, I'm not saying that
you should have sex with Rob
100
00:04:20,792 --> 00:04:23,294
against your will but if
you care about your marriage,
101
00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:24,614
you definitely should.
102
00:04:26,303 --> 00:04:27,704
I've taken a lover.
103
00:04:28,548 --> 00:04:30,175
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:30,176 --> 00:04:31,611
So, that's... I mean,
what are you going to...?
105
00:04:31,612 --> 00:04:34,583
Well, when Jeffrey goes to
university, we're getting a divorce.
106
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:39,804
[Fran laughs]
107
00:04:40,874 --> 00:04:42,393
Five years.
108
00:04:42,632 --> 00:04:44,477
Just five more years.
109
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:52,831
Hello, nice lady.
110
00:04:52,832 --> 00:04:55,671
- We need to have sex but, like, good sex.
- OK.
111
00:04:55,672 --> 00:04:57,984
I've been thinking about it and the
fact is we're gonna have a relationship
112
00:04:57,985 --> 00:04:59,677
with each other until we
die because of the kids
113
00:04:59,678 --> 00:05:00,991
and it can be good or it could be shit
114
00:05:00,992 --> 00:05:03,162
- but that's up to us.
- I'm so glad you said that.
115
00:05:04,112 --> 00:05:07,930
I saw a couple groping each other on
the Tube this morning and I got so sad.
116
00:05:07,931 --> 00:05:10,674
I know! I watched that episode
of Game Of Thrones again
117
00:05:10,675 --> 00:05:13,093
where Jaime fucks Cersei
beside Joffrey's dead body
118
00:05:13,094 --> 00:05:16,495
and even that made me sad. They were so
passionate and they'd been together years.
119
00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:23,849
Oh... it's...
120
00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:25,245
it's not getting hard.
121
00:05:25,352 --> 00:05:26,671
I don't know.
122
00:05:26,672 --> 00:05:28,831
I mean, I haven't jerked
off in like three days.
123
00:05:28,882 --> 00:05:30,961
What'd you jerk off to three days ago?
124
00:05:31,471 --> 00:05:34,039
A butt... a butt that I saw.
125
00:05:34,041 --> 00:05:35,807
[Sharon grunts]
126
00:05:37,072 --> 00:05:38,507
[She groans]
127
00:05:40,152 --> 00:05:42,031
Are we sexually incompatible now?
128
00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:43,929
No, we're just stressed...
129
00:05:43,930 --> 00:05:46,412
- and tired.
- OK...
130
00:05:46,791 --> 00:05:48,233
Because I still fancy you.
131
00:05:48,272 --> 00:05:49,924
I very fancy you.
132
00:05:51,872 --> 00:05:53,072
Oh, hey, look.
133
00:05:53,073 --> 00:05:54,795
Something's happening down there.
134
00:05:57,866 --> 00:05:59,105
It's not.
135
00:05:59,149 --> 00:06:00,748
I mean, I can't sit on that.
136
00:06:00,749 --> 00:06:01,949
[They laugh]
137
00:06:01,950 --> 00:06:05,188
Well, listen, let's... let's
go away for the weekend.
138
00:06:05,189 --> 00:06:06,588
Let's go to Paris or somewhere.
139
00:06:06,589 --> 00:06:08,028
I'll get us a nice hotel.
140
00:06:08,093 --> 00:06:10,012
We can eat steak tartare in bed
141
00:06:10,013 --> 00:06:11,932
and I can go down on you from behind
142
00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:14,246
in a big hotel shower like we used to do.
143
00:06:14,476 --> 00:06:16,595
Or, if we are too tired because we're old,
144
00:06:16,596 --> 00:06:19,258
we can just hold hands and look
out the window at the Eiffel Tower.
145
00:06:19,259 --> 00:06:20,758
- [Sharon laughs]
- Does that sound nice?
146
00:06:20,759 --> 00:06:22,252
- Quite nice, yeah.
- [They laugh]
147
00:06:22,253 --> 00:06:24,574
[Baby cries]
148
00:06:24,575 --> 00:06:26,858
Ugh... what about them?
149
00:06:27,099 --> 00:06:28,335
They're not invited.
150
00:06:28,336 --> 00:06:32,265
[Baby cries]
151
00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:36,026
Oh, shit, is that this weekend?
152
00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:37,946
- Yes.
- I'm just messing.
153
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,244
- How much would that suck?
- Why are you always at home?
154
00:06:40,245 --> 00:06:42,280
- Don't you work?
- All I need to work is a laptop,
155
00:06:42,281 --> 00:06:44,592
- a phone and this.
- What, a shit hairdo?
156
00:06:44,593 --> 00:06:46,336
- I only want the boy.
- Too bad.
157
00:06:46,337 --> 00:06:48,511
- You're going to Paris?
- Yeah!
158
00:06:48,512 --> 00:06:49,991
Oh, that'll be nice for you.
159
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:51,198
A bit of culture for the Yank.
160
00:06:51,199 --> 00:06:53,396
Actually, I did my junior
year at college there.
161
00:06:53,402 --> 00:06:54,602
Really?
162
00:06:56,976 --> 00:06:58,176
Jesus...
163
00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:14,634
Ah, fuck off!
164
00:07:15,152 --> 00:07:16,645
This isn't the end of this.
165
00:07:16,992 --> 00:07:18,831
Thanks for looking after the kids.
166
00:07:18,832 --> 00:07:21,271
- We owe you one.
- Not at all. My pleasure.
167
00:07:21,272 --> 00:07:23,551
Actually... I wanted to
talk to you about something.
168
00:07:23,703 --> 00:07:25,243
I need... erm...
169
00:07:25,852 --> 00:07:27,344
...a short-term loan.
170
00:07:27,345 --> 00:07:29,588
I'll have it back to you in four
weeks, five at the most. Really,
171
00:07:29,589 --> 00:07:32,711
- it's a business opportunity, really.
- OK, uh... How much are we...?
172
00:07:32,712 --> 00:07:35,271
Just 10 grand. 15 if you want.
173
00:07:35,272 --> 00:07:38,295
Yeah, I think I want to help
but I'll have to talk to Sharon.
174
00:07:38,296 --> 00:07:40,631
You can't tell Sharon.
She'll only worry about me.
175
00:07:40,632 --> 00:07:43,591
And it would literally be,
you know, five weeks, six tops!
176
00:07:43,592 --> 00:07:44,792
[Child laughs]
177
00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:46,079
So, keep my kids alive.
178
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,431
It'll reflect very badly on
you if anything happens to them,
179
00:07:48,432 --> 00:07:50,752
plus I'll kill you. Also, thank you.
180
00:07:50,753 --> 00:07:53,391
- Bye-bye, bye. Bye.
- Bye, Mummy.
181
00:07:53,392 --> 00:07:55,431
Bye, Muireann. Bye-bye, bye.
182
00:07:55,432 --> 00:07:57,505
I love you. Bye. Thank
you, thank you, thank you!
183
00:08:05,001 --> 00:08:08,038
[Sharon laughs]
184
00:08:08,039 --> 00:08:09,438
Are you fucking kidding me?
185
00:08:09,912 --> 00:08:11,380
Yeah, I am.
186
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,271
This joke cost me ?12.
187
00:08:13,272 --> 00:08:14,586
I'm glad it worked.
188
00:08:15,593 --> 00:08:17,491
- [Something falls over]
- Sorry...
189
00:08:18,282 --> 00:08:20,921
I already know I'm going to be
more attracted to you in France.
190
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:23,153
I'm going to order a
tiny bottle of champagne.
191
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,549
- I'm going to order three baguettes.
- Aw!
192
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,417
- I'm going to go grab my beret.
- [Sharon laughs] Sure.
193
00:08:28,418 --> 00:08:29,838
[Sharon laughs]
194
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,000
[Voice from tannoy speaks French]
195
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,327
- Do you like it?
- I love it.
196
00:08:47,328 --> 00:08:50,480
- I had it completely refurbished for you.
- Thank you.
197
00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:53,245
- Is this the hotel Johnny Depp stays in?
- You know it is.
198
00:08:53,246 --> 00:08:55,468
- Why do you keep asking me that?
- Because it's fun.
199
00:08:55,907 --> 00:08:58,148
Let's go straight up to the
room. I need to freshen up.
200
00:08:58,257 --> 00:09:00,086
I don't want Johnny to see me like this.
201
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,750
I think I'm going to
have to pump before we go.
202
00:09:08,384 --> 00:09:10,063
I seen that French baby downstairs,
203
00:09:10,064 --> 00:09:12,646
my tits just immediately
ballooned with milk.
204
00:09:13,433 --> 00:09:14,760
Have you seen the pump?
205
00:09:14,761 --> 00:09:16,079
No, where'd you pack it?
206
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,280
If I knew that, I wouldn't
be asking you, would I?
207
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:23,115
Oh, fuck...!
208
00:09:24,242 --> 00:09:25,654
I forgot the pump.
209
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,010
[She sighs]
210
00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:30,823
Oh, shit.
211
00:09:30,974 --> 00:09:33,202
Did the handjob not work?
212
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,439
No, it did but the left
one's already full again.
213
00:09:35,759 --> 00:09:37,319
Well, do you want me to...?
214
00:09:37,659 --> 00:09:39,477
- You know...
- What?
215
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:40,812
...suck the milk?
216
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:42,752
I'll suck the milk out.
I don't mind doing it.
217
00:09:42,753 --> 00:09:43,953
I mind!
218
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,526
I didn't come to Paris
to nurse my giant husband.
219
00:09:46,527 --> 00:09:49,289
Well, it looks like we've got our
signals crossed because I specifically...
220
00:09:49,290 --> 00:09:50,408
- [Sharon laughs]
- What?
221
00:09:50,409 --> 00:09:52,449
At least I won't shit myself while I do it.
222
00:09:52,450 --> 00:09:54,073
Muireann does that because she's relaxed!
223
00:09:54,074 --> 00:09:56,199
- She's like, "Oh, this is so..."
- [Fart noise]
224
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:57,480
Yeah, I'm relaxed too
225
00:09:57,481 --> 00:10:00,125
but I know how to keep my asshole
closed when I'm sucking a tittie.
226
00:10:00,126 --> 00:10:01,326
[Sharon laughs]
227
00:10:01,489 --> 00:10:04,970
PHARMACY.
228
00:10:06,415 --> 00:10:07,984
Can you ask in your French?
229
00:10:08,264 --> 00:10:09,491
Oh, Christ.
230
00:10:09,492 --> 00:10:11,123
Did you not take French in school?
231
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,611
- No. I did German.
- Really?
232
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:15,079
Say something to me in German.
233
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:16,280
Ugh...
234
00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:18,884
No.
235
00:10:19,103 --> 00:10:20,303
Huh...
236
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,734
- Hello.
- Hello. Uh...
237
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,186
No. Uh... uh...
238
00:10:37,478 --> 00:10:38,681
Ah... no, no...
239
00:10:42,048 --> 00:10:43,248
Hard...
240
00:10:45,202 --> 00:10:47,155
One moment, sir. Excuse me.
241
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,394
Has she got any?
242
00:10:48,395 --> 00:10:50,345
I don't know. She's...
she's asking her friend.
243
00:10:50,346 --> 00:10:52,465
She doesn't seem to understand my question.
244
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,729
I'm going to get mastitis. Oh, my God.
245
00:10:54,730 --> 00:10:57,288
I...I'm going to have to get
antibiotics from a French hospital.
246
00:11:03,324 --> 00:11:04,524
What? What'd she say?
247
00:11:04,525 --> 00:11:06,119
[He speaks broken French]
248
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,479
Tell her my tits are rock solid.
249
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:08,799
Which draws milk from my wife...
250
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,239
You know what's going to come
out next time I breast-feed?
251
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:14,250
Not milk, blood... [Slow
German accent] ...and pus.
252
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,498
I know what "chienne"
and "psychopathe" mean.
253
00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:21,519
Well, yeah, I was talking to her.
254
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,759
I was telling this... fucking psychopath
255
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,147
that if she doesn't help me
get the milk out of my wife
256
00:11:26,148 --> 00:11:27,863
then I don't know what I'm going to do.
257
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,365
Oh, OK.
258
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,286
So...
259
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,599
Right...
260
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,439
I'm just going to... OK?
261
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,175
Order me the Frenchiest thing on the menu.
262
00:11:44,176 --> 00:11:46,753
OK. So, like a cigarette
stabbed through a baguette?
263
00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:48,133
[Sharon laughs]
264
00:11:49,481 --> 00:11:51,410
- [Phone rings]
- Thank you.
265
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:54,640
Hey, man. What's up?
266
00:11:54,641 --> 00:11:56,319
- Are you in Paris?
- Yep.
267
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:57,711
Is it still a shithole?
268
00:11:57,712 --> 00:11:58,952
- No, it's, uh...
- Listen,
269
00:11:58,953 --> 00:12:02,239
I just wanted to say I'm paranoid about
what we talked about the other day...
270
00:12:03,137 --> 00:12:04,616
and it's between you and me.
271
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,279
- You can't tell Sharon. Good. I'm...
- Absolutely, I wouldn't...
272
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,628
[Clears his throat]
273
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,070
...just about to head into
the cinema so I've got to go.
274
00:12:12,071 --> 00:12:14,085
All right, man. Well, I'll talk...
275
00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:15,911
God...
276
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,081
It needs bloody batteries.
277
00:12:18,324 --> 00:12:21,363
Let's just eat and we'll just get
some on the way... [Pained] ...home...
278
00:12:21,364 --> 00:12:23,058
Ow. God, they're so sore.
279
00:12:23,059 --> 00:12:24,259
[She sighs]
280
00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:25,479
Who was that on the phone?
281
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,937
Is everything OK with the babies...? Ow.
282
00:12:33,848 --> 00:12:35,807
Stop watching me drinking.
283
00:12:35,808 --> 00:12:37,727
So just stop looking at you?
284
00:12:37,728 --> 00:12:40,327
[She laughs]
285
00:12:40,328 --> 00:12:41,647
Aw...
286
00:12:41,648 --> 00:12:43,718
I'm not sure I'm ever going
to get used to having a husband
287
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:47,927
who I can't share just a lovely
glass of lovely wine with.
288
00:12:47,928 --> 00:12:50,487
It's really hard, you know? For me.
289
00:12:50,488 --> 00:12:53,127
My fantasy was always
that when I get to 60,
290
00:12:53,128 --> 00:12:54,328
I'd have loads of money
291
00:12:54,329 --> 00:12:57,407
and I could hire a bodyguard
to protect other people from me
292
00:12:57,408 --> 00:13:00,167
and a driver so that I could
drink the way that I wanted to.
293
00:13:00,168 --> 00:13:03,087
What? So you're going
to start drinking again?
294
00:13:03,088 --> 00:13:05,047
No, I just thought it might be something I
295
00:13:05,048 --> 00:13:06,620
might try again in the future.
296
00:13:06,621 --> 00:13:08,483
Why are you even thinking about drinking?
297
00:13:08,484 --> 00:13:09,767
- I'm not.
- Yes, you are!
298
00:13:09,768 --> 00:13:11,536
- You just were.
- OK.
299
00:13:11,537 --> 00:13:15,047
Er, here's a reason... I might
slightly fit in with your family
300
00:13:15,048 --> 00:13:18,167
if I was splashing around
in my own trough of Guinness.
301
00:13:18,168 --> 00:13:19,567
What?!
302
00:13:19,568 --> 00:13:23,407
- That's so anti-Irish.
- Look, I wasn't...
303
00:13:23,408 --> 00:13:26,807
Forget the whole thing, OK? I
love your family. I love Ireland.
304
00:13:26,808 --> 00:13:28,807
And sometimes I think about drinking.
305
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,085
- That's fucked up.
- It's not fucked up.
306
00:13:31,086 --> 00:13:33,647
- It is!
- I don't drink. You do.
307
00:13:33,648 --> 00:13:35,887
One could argue that
you've had too many tonight.
308
00:13:35,888 --> 00:13:38,447
- Oh, could one?
- You know, I'd love to fight with you,
309
00:13:38,448 --> 00:13:41,365
but everybody else might not want
their dinner ruined by our bullshit.
310
00:13:41,366 --> 00:13:44,377
Right. We're fighting
because he's an alcoholic.
311
00:13:45,488 --> 00:13:47,195
I'm going to the toilet.
312
00:13:49,008 --> 00:13:50,744
Also, he hates Irish people.
313
00:13:50,851 --> 00:13:53,387
I mean, I'm his wife for
some reason, so that...
314
00:13:53,973 --> 00:13:55,693
Is anyone even listening to me?
315
00:13:55,694 --> 00:13:57,795
Anyway, just get your head together.
316
00:13:57,796 --> 00:14:00,226
OK, and have a long,
hard think about yourself.
317
00:14:00,227 --> 00:14:01,495
I mean, married to a drunk!
318
00:14:01,496 --> 00:14:03,331
[Glass smashes]
319
00:14:05,128 --> 00:14:06,334
Pardon.
320
00:14:07,768 --> 00:14:10,587
- My tits hurt.
- Get over here.
321
00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:22,747
They hate us here. We're scum!
322
00:14:22,748 --> 00:14:25,727
No, they don't. French people
get high off of this shit.
323
00:14:25,728 --> 00:14:27,291
Fighting into kissing?
324
00:14:27,292 --> 00:14:29,855
We just performed a live
Fellini film for them.
325
00:14:29,856 --> 00:14:31,818
- Fellini's Italian.
- Good for him.
326
00:14:31,819 --> 00:14:33,994
- Do you want to go back to the hotel?
- Yeah.
327
00:14:35,444 --> 00:14:36,833
Oh, let's go to that bar we passed
328
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:38,667
with all the dodgy guys
out the front first.
329
00:14:38,702 --> 00:14:39,902
Why?
330
00:14:39,903 --> 00:14:42,772
Cos I want to get a
little... [Clicks tongue]
331
00:14:44,208 --> 00:14:46,247
- Weed.
- Yeah, I got it.
332
00:14:46,248 --> 00:14:48,927
[They laugh]
333
00:14:48,928 --> 00:14:52,928
[Pounding dance music]
334
00:15:05,398 --> 00:15:06,661
Amaretto?
335
00:15:06,662 --> 00:15:07,874
On the rocks.
336
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,691
Hey.
337
00:15:11,399 --> 00:15:12,770
Kenneth?
338
00:15:13,059 --> 00:15:14,259
No.
339
00:15:23,990 --> 00:15:25,190
Kenneth?
340
00:15:39,762 --> 00:15:40,962
Rob?
341
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:44,117
- You sure you don't want some of this?
- Yeah.
342
00:15:44,118 --> 00:15:47,066
I'm sure I don't want any
of your stinky French weed.
343
00:15:47,736 --> 00:15:49,503
And if we get kicked out of this hotel
344
00:15:49,504 --> 00:15:51,154
- because of the smell...
- As if they'd give a shit about a bit of
345
00:15:51,155 --> 00:15:52,794
weed in this hotel.
346
00:15:52,795 --> 00:15:54,769
Johnny Depp is a habitual weed smoker.
347
00:15:54,770 --> 00:15:57,858
They c... can't have one rule for
Johnny Depp and one rule for me.
348
00:15:57,859 --> 00:15:59,672
I'm pretty sure they can.
349
00:16:07,195 --> 00:16:09,947
[Whirring]
350
00:16:09,948 --> 00:16:12,040
You're pumping while high?
351
00:16:12,413 --> 00:16:14,692
Yeah. Why wouldn't I? I
mean, it's the best time to...
352
00:16:14,693 --> 00:16:16,102
Oh, sh...
353
00:16:16,103 --> 00:16:18,659
- [Whirring continues]
- Ow...
354
00:16:20,402 --> 00:16:21,602
Chris!
355
00:16:22,517 --> 00:16:23,717
Chris!
356
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,625
- Dave. Shit, man. I didn't see you there.
- Hey!
357
00:16:27,626 --> 00:16:28,826
What's, er... What up?
358
00:16:28,827 --> 00:16:30,707
Ah... just a bit of midnight yoga.
359
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:32,035
Ah, this is Catherine,
360
00:16:32,036 --> 00:16:34,382
my extraordinarily beautiful girlfriend.
361
00:16:34,383 --> 00:16:35,941
- Hi. Street meat?
- Hi.
362
00:16:36,065 --> 00:16:37,353
I don't know what animal it is,
363
00:16:37,354 --> 00:16:39,086
- but it tastes fucking brilliant.
- No, thank you.
364
00:16:39,087 --> 00:16:40,407
So what are you doing here?
365
00:16:40,408 --> 00:16:42,847
- Looking for a bit of cock-a-doodle-doo?
- What?
366
00:16:43,244 --> 00:16:44,444
No.
367
00:16:44,781 --> 00:16:46,992
I'm j... I'm just messing with you, man.
368
00:16:46,993 --> 00:16:49,657
Y-you wouldn't know it,
but that door is actually
369
00:16:49,658 --> 00:16:52,114
one of the biggest cock
meat markets in London.
370
00:16:52,115 --> 00:16:54,354
[He laughs awkwardly] Right, oh...
371
00:16:54,355 --> 00:16:55,715
Got you. Good to know.
372
00:16:56,075 --> 00:17:00,075
- No, I was just walking home from a movie.
- Oh, cool. What did you see?
373
00:17:01,106 --> 00:17:03,425
Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation.
374
00:17:10,955 --> 00:17:12,692
I swear to God, I think I've broken a rib.
375
00:17:12,835 --> 00:17:15,074
It's just every time
I try and breathe, I...
376
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:17,946
I just feel like I can't
take proper breaths.
377
00:17:17,998 --> 00:17:19,406
Sounds sore, honey.
378
00:17:20,221 --> 00:17:21,421
[Knock at door]
379
00:17:23,115 --> 00:17:24,794
If it's to clean the room, will you...
380
00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:26,709
Ow, will you tell them to come back later?
381
00:17:29,005 --> 00:17:30,530
[Door opens]
382
00:17:31,275 --> 00:17:33,895
I forgot. I booked us a joint massage.
383
00:17:34,074 --> 00:17:35,305
What?
384
00:17:35,307 --> 00:17:37,687
Oh, God, this is terrible.
385
00:17:38,711 --> 00:17:40,270
Can you tell them I've broken my rib?
386
00:17:40,271 --> 00:17:41,821
Don't tell them how it happened, though.
387
00:17:41,822 --> 00:17:42,805
Er...
388
00:17:50,875 --> 00:17:52,075
Yes.
389
00:17:52,116 --> 00:17:53,466
Thank you.
390
00:17:53,596 --> 00:17:55,571
Did you tell them we think it's broken?
391
00:17:55,572 --> 00:17:56,773
Yeah.
392
00:17:57,595 --> 00:17:59,025
Ow...
393
00:18:00,795 --> 00:18:02,916
[She sobs]
394
00:18:07,557 --> 00:18:09,418
Good. Turn around, please?
395
00:18:09,955 --> 00:18:11,201
I did German.
396
00:18:11,202 --> 00:18:13,291
Turn around. Come on. Oop. [He whistles]
397
00:18:13,434 --> 00:18:14,634
Like this.
398
00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:17,438
- Like a pancake.
- Ok. Ok.
399
00:18:21,115 --> 00:18:22,812
[She sighs]
400
00:18:24,308 --> 00:18:25,671
That's better.
401
00:18:42,995 --> 00:18:44,271
What?
402
00:18:45,601 --> 00:18:47,847
- [Gentle snoring]
- Rob?
403
00:18:51,355 --> 00:18:52,866
[He grunts]
404
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:58,053
I think I've been assaulted.
405
00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,983
- What?
- The man massaged my tits.
406
00:19:00,984 --> 00:19:03,908
- What man?
- What man? The massager.
407
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,743
He massaged my tits.
408
00:19:05,875 --> 00:19:09,875
- What did you do? Did you ask him to stop?
- No, I didn't. He w...
409
00:19:10,261 --> 00:19:13,500
- It's Paris, you were asleep...
- What do you want me to do?
410
00:19:13,501 --> 00:19:15,004
Do you want me to complain?
411
00:19:17,435 --> 00:19:18,771
I tipped him.
412
00:19:19,995 --> 00:19:24,183
You were asleep! I had to pay
them. You know, you have to tip.
413
00:19:24,684 --> 00:19:26,163
It's Paris!
414
00:19:26,246 --> 00:19:29,140
- I don't know what you ordered.
- Well, I didn't order that.
415
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:32,104
I'm not sure we can
complain if you tipped him.
416
00:19:34,062 --> 00:19:35,962
Do you want to go to the Pompidou Centre?
417
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:38,830
Yeah, all right.
418
00:19:41,115 --> 00:19:42,504
[She groans]
419
00:19:44,515 --> 00:19:46,134
You having a nice time?
420
00:19:46,682 --> 00:19:49,624
- Not really.
- I don't think we're holiday people.
421
00:19:49,875 --> 00:19:52,167
- How do you mean?
- Well, I just...
422
00:19:52,435 --> 00:19:55,128
I think we're good on a Tuesday, you know?
423
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,628
When it's raining.
424
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:59,114
Like, my favourite time
in the last year was
425
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:01,672
when we pretended my arms
didn't work, remember?
426
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,327
And you washed my hair and
put that weird outfit on me.
427
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:05,533
Oh, my God.
428
00:20:05,555 --> 00:20:07,036
Yeah, that was the best.
429
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:10,285
Do you think it's bad we haven't
had sex even though we're in Paris?
430
00:20:10,286 --> 00:20:12,525
I'm not saying this to upset you, but...
431
00:20:12,584 --> 00:20:14,065
I've had plenty of sex in Paris
432
00:20:14,066 --> 00:20:16,425
and it's not special to have sex in Paris.
433
00:20:16,681 --> 00:20:19,577
Fuck Paris. Is the food here that good?
434
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,954
I mean, we've only eaten
cheese, if you think about it.
435
00:20:21,955 --> 00:20:23,875
I'm going to take a
shit in, like, February.
436
00:20:26,955 --> 00:20:28,569
You know Fran's taken a lover?
437
00:20:29,298 --> 00:20:31,838
- Yep.
- Poor Chris.
438
00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:33,938
I think he'll be OK.
439
00:20:34,475 --> 00:20:37,361
So... just, you know...
440
00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:39,678
- Just what?
- Just, you know, don't...
441
00:20:40,115 --> 00:20:43,163
Even though we're not having tonnes
of sex, don't take a lover, OK?
442
00:20:43,164 --> 00:20:45,232
- Well, I don't want to take a lover...
- Seriously,
443
00:20:45,233 --> 00:20:46,351
- but...
- if you take a lover I will
444
00:20:46,352 --> 00:20:48,794
fucking take a lover
whether I want one or not.
445
00:20:48,795 --> 00:20:50,417
OK. I won't take a lover.
446
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:56,114
Unless Alicia Keys responds to the
MySpace messages I sent her in 2004.
447
00:20:56,115 --> 00:20:57,434
[She chuckles]
448
00:20:57,435 --> 00:20:59,594
If you hook up with Keys,
I'm going after Hamm.
449
00:20:59,595 --> 00:21:01,394
Hamm? Say his full name.
450
00:21:01,395 --> 00:21:02,714
Jon Barnaby Hamm.
451
00:21:02,715 --> 00:21:06,448
Why Hamm?! His teeth are too
small. People don't talk about that.
452
00:21:08,715 --> 00:21:10,394
This is good, isn't it?
453
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,540
This has been worth it, I think.
454
00:21:12,541 --> 00:21:15,103
We would never have talked about
this if we hadn't come to Paris.
455
00:21:16,315 --> 00:21:17,795
You having a nice time?
456
00:21:29,636 --> 00:21:31,512
I'm going to go over
there and assault him, OK?
457
00:21:31,513 --> 00:21:32,713
OK.
458
00:21:32,714 --> 00:21:34,794
Ah, just before you do that, just...
459
00:21:34,795 --> 00:21:37,089
I just want to quickly
tell you something first.
460
00:21:37,090 --> 00:21:38,290
Ok.
461
00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:40,461
I may have come.
462
00:21:40,462 --> 00:21:42,335
- What?
- I'm not sure. I just...
463
00:21:42,395 --> 00:21:45,428
And... and it was more of a
plateau, you know, than a full...
464
00:21:45,576 --> 00:21:49,675
Ah, j... maybe... just because I
enjoyed it doesn't make it right!
465
00:21:49,973 --> 00:21:52,610
Right... No...?
466
00:21:54,912 --> 00:21:56,511
Should we just go up to the room?
467
00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:57,950
Yeah.
468
00:22:00,638 --> 00:22:01,874
Hello.
469
00:22:03,295 --> 00:22:06,667
- What time's our train?
- 6:13.
470
00:22:07,221 --> 00:22:09,153
[They moan]
471
00:22:22,635 --> 00:22:25,354
- Do you think Johnny heard us?
- He definitely heard us.
472
00:22:25,435 --> 00:22:27,194
Even if he's not staying here right now.
473
00:22:27,195 --> 00:22:28,949
[She laughs]
474
00:22:33,870 --> 00:22:35,949
Is it bad that I came inside you?
475
00:22:36,019 --> 00:22:37,332
No.
476
00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,164
I don't know.
477
00:22:39,521 --> 00:22:40,825
It's Paris.
478
00:22:41,202 --> 00:22:44,653
You know, and if we end up
conceiving a baby in Paris then...
479
00:22:45,195 --> 00:22:46,652
[She sighs]
480
00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:53,120
I didn't think that through.
481
00:22:54,595 --> 00:22:55,864
Oh, shit.
482
00:22:57,915 --> 00:22:59,298
What are you doing?
483
00:22:59,835 --> 00:23:01,310
What's it look like I'm doing?
484
00:23:02,161 --> 00:23:03,969
I learned this in convent school.
485
00:23:05,363 --> 00:23:08,879
- Is it coming out?
- Er... I don't know.
486
00:23:09,515 --> 00:23:12,235
- Oh, look. There it goes.
- Wow!
487
00:23:13,609 --> 00:23:18,609
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00:23:18,659 --> 00:23:23,209
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