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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000
What's the matter?
2
00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:07,270
I wasn't 100% sure
you were coming back.
3
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,430
You know, your flight
landed 30 minutes ago.
4
00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:11,030
My luggage was on the wrong carousel!
5
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:13,230
Why wouldn't I come back?
6
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:17,270
I dunno. You're already on
a plane, you have a passport.
7
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,070
You thought I'd hijack the
plane to get away from you?
8
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,510
Did you miss me?
9
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:24,950
I was angry at how much I missed you.
10
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,000
I missed you too. Just
the last two days, though.
11
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,390
~ Did you watch porn?
~ Absolutely.
12
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,830
But I would always take a pillow
and make a little Sharon
13
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,880
out of it that I would
hug while I... watched.
14
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,790
I did the same, just
without the pillow.
15
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,150
Actually it's hard for me
to masturbate at the moment
16
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:47,990
because I've got to look
over my belly to do it,
17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,670
and I know there's a baby in there,
so it's kind of off-putting.
18
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,390
It's like you wouldn't want to
have a wank if there were kids
19
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,430
playing in the background, you know?
20
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:59,480
Yeah, yeah. That's kind of one
of my things, not doing that.
21
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,510
Did anyone try to convince
you to stay?
22
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,070
Yes. My friend Cory said,
23
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:08,070
~ "I'll see you in six months
when it doesn't work out." ~ Ugh!
24
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,230
I mean, that's given me more
motivation to make this work
25
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,310
than even the baby!
26
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,110
Yeah. Did you sort things
out with your mum?
27
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,030
No, not even close.
28
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,710
I can't believe it's taken me
38 years to realise my mother is
29
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,110
a shit bubble.
30
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,910
SHE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
31
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,550
Did you get your best man sorted?
32
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,310
~ No.
~ Oh, because I've got a maid of honour now, so you have to.
33
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,470
Who's your maid of honour? Fran?
34
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,390
What? No. Although she did offer.
35
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,950
No, I got panicked one night and
I asked my friend Kate from uni.
36
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,230
So she's going to come
over for a week,
37
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,350
hang out, you know, have some fun.
38
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,590
Does she know that you're
not fun any more?
39
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,150
You're such a fucker!
40
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,550
HE LAUGHS
41
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,790
I could ask your brother
to be my best man.
42
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,270
What would you think of that?
43
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,270
Yeah. You can ASK him.
44
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,630
I mean, you barely know him.
45
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,680
Yeah... I barely know you.
46
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,310
It would be an honour. Thank you.
47
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,590
I mean it. You're part
of this family now.
48
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,750
You've given my sister
something to live for.
49
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,070
~ Well, I'm not sure she...
~ I love you, man.
50
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:21,120
Well, I love you too,
man. You're my brother.
51
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,390
Hey, Fergal, are you drunk?
52
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,030
Since Wednesday.
53
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,630
Jesus! What's in there?
54
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,670
Bailey's, you pussy.
55
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,950
Mallandra's gone.
56
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,750
She's... where?
57
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,510
To Spain - with the kids.
58
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:42,560
But when she gets back,
she wants a divorce.
59
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,830
She wants a fucking divorce.
60
00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,950
~ She's going to take my kids.
~ She's not going to take your kids.
61
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,070
And don't you have to agree
to let somebody divorce you?
62
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,670
Don't let her divorce
you and we'll fix it.
63
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,720
I really fucked up this time.
I mean, ha! I've got a problem.
64
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,590
I'm a fucking monster.
65
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,350
~ What did you do?
~ Thank you. Thank you very much.
66
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,110
Your wedding is the week
before my court date,
67
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,950
so it'll give me something
to look forward to.
68
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,230
D'you want a smoothie?
69
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,870
WOMEN LAUGHING AS DOOR CLOSES
70
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,590
There he is.
71
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,590
Rob, this is Kate, my maid of honour. Kate,
this is Rob, the future Mr Sharon Morris.
72
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:27,640
Great to meet you, Kate. Sharon,
can I just talk to you...?
73
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:29,750
I'm so happy to finally meet you.
74
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:30,870
Same here.
75
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,710
You've got a good one here.
76
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,430
Even if you hadn't gotten her
pregnant, she'd be a catch!
77
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,510
You know, she got all
the dick back home.
78
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,910
Not all of it.
79
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,550
We are going to have
a legendary week!
80
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,550
SHE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER
81
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,390
This is my first time away
from my kids in five years.
82
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:54,440
I don't miss them and
I fucking LOVE LONDON!
83
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,110
~ Hey, can I talk to you for a quick second?
~ Yeah.
84
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:03,160
KATE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER
85
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,830
She's always annoying
for the first day or so.
86
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,670
No, it's not that. I mean yes, she
is very annoying, but it's Fergal.
87
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,750
Is he not going to do it?
88
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,950
~ No, he is going to do
it but did he tell you... ~ Tell me what?
89
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,990
~ What he's done?
~ What did he do?
90
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,270
I don't know.
91
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,150
~ What are you asking me?
~ Well, do you know Mallandra left him?
92
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,590
Yeah. She does that
like... twice a year.
93
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,430
~ Do you know why?
~ Yes, because he's a prick.
94
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,230
No, I think it's worse than that.
95
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,510
What are you talking about?
96
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,790
I don't know but there was something
in his eyes that said,
97
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,430
"I've done something really bad."
98
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,310
Something in his eyes?
99
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,470
Look. I don't know, I think
he may have hurt someone.
100
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,390
I'm not saying he has a freezer
full of kid-meat or anything...
101
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,950
Listen. I don't know if
you're stressed or what,
102
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,000
but you need to stop slandering my brother
and I need to stop ignoring my visitor.
103
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,470
This is rude. We are both being
very rude at the moment.
104
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,520
~ Sorry.
~ Sorry, do you have Sudocrem or something?
105
00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,680
I got a Brazilian yesterday
and my pussy's on fire!
106
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:08,000
I'll get you some.
107
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,470
I'd like to introduce
Rob Norris to you all.
108
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,190
Rob helped establish
Frye & Loeb in Boston.
109
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:17,510
He's also coached brands
wrestling with PR issues.
110
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,910
I guess you could say he's
sort of a perception engineer.
111
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,030
Rob, the floor is yours.
112
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,590
Thank you, Harita.
113
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,670
The public are like toddlers.
114
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,350
They like shiny things like scandal,
115
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,400
like astronauts maybe dying because
they took Braeband's flagship drug.
116
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,030
So we need to distract them
with something even shinier
117
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,830
and what if, what
if that shiny thing,
118
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,590
could also be something truly good?
119
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,950
I'm sure I don't need to
tell you guys what animal
120
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,870
kills the most people
on earth every year.
121
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,990
~ Sharks?
~ No.
122
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,630
It's not sharks. It's the
mosquito, because of malaria
123
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,680
and who's treated more cases of
malaria in India than anyone else?
124
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,070
It's not sharks!
125
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,230
But it's not Braeband, either.
126
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,830
It's the Dutch company Nyromax. Now,
what if Braeband were able to...
127
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,110
Rob, I'm going to interrupt
you for just a second
128
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,590
and say that your enthusiasm
is really something.
129
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,590
~ Well, honestly...
~ Thank you so much.
130
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,310
Guys, this is what
courage looks like.
131
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:24,360
Not some dusty old astronaut whose
kids are basically committing libel.
132
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,390
~ Do you think she'll be much longer?
~ Why? D'you leave your lip liner in there?
133
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,230
No. I do that in the cab.
134
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,390
You look nice. Where
are they taking you?
135
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,270
Just for a steak. Montefiorres.
136
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,350
~ Nice.
~ Where are you guys off to?
137
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,710
~ Just going to go for a
pizza, I think and then... ~ Ready?
138
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,030
We're going to take it easy, daddy.
139
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,910
Just a couple of glasses of wine,
bit of dancing, half an E...
140
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,190
I probably won't do any E.
141
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:50,590
Neither will I.
142
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,590
OK. Well, call me if you...
143
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:57,640
Have a great night!
144
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:02,550
What's up, cock-munchers?
145
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,600
~ Pretty good. You know Chris?
~ Hey, man!
146
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:16,200
~ Get in.
~ What... are we not going for steak? ~ Get in!
147
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,590
Do you know what hospital
you're having the baby at?
148
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,270
~ St Thomas'.
~ My daughters were born there!
149
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:31,150
~ No way!
~ Yeah, it was great, my wife loved it.
150
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:32,630
She had a water birth there.
151
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,910
You should do that. It just
swims right out! It's easy!
152
00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,750
~ OK. I'll try that.
~ You have beautiful eyes.
153
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,310
Sorry?
154
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,550
What the fuck?
155
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:47,350
~ I think I want to get out of here. Now.
~ Me too.
156
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,190
~ See the guy I'm talking to?
~ SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY
157
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,510
He wants to show me his boat!
158
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:57,750
Imagine.
159
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,630
So do you mind if I go... with him?
160
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,270
I'll be back in the morning.
I'll bring pastries!
161
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,910
I'm going to the loo now, OK?
162
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,270
Because my baby is pushing
down on my bladder
163
00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,790
and then we're going to leave, OK?
164
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:15,840
So say good night to the rapist and I'll
see you out the front in five, OK?
165
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,910
Good shit, huh?
166
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,910
You know, I want to like it.
167
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,310
I mean it's naked women - great -
168
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,270
and dancing, which I also love,
169
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,670
so it's two great things together,
but then you add a bunch of sweaty
170
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,720
guys and you know, you leering at
them and it's just kind of a bummer.
171
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,200
Yeah, sure. Pop this in her thong.
172
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,270
Lenore?
173
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:57,320
Chris? Oh, my God. What
are you doing here?
174
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:01,150
Yelp said you do a good
onion ring. SHE LAUGHS
175
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,430
You look fuckin' amazing.
176
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,390
Yeah, well, you put on
an ounce in this place
177
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,310
and they make you dance
for the Chinese lads.
178
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,360
~ Sure, sure.
~ Fuck me! Chris Beesley.
179
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,030
Hey, Chris, you going to
get your dinky stinky?
180
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:15,350
I don't know who that is.
181
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,070
Listen, I'm on the clock but
do you want to buy a dance.
182
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,790
We could catch up.
183
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,840
Sure.
184
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:30,200
Hey, sh! You're not allowed
to talk while they're dancing.
185
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:34,280
~ I was just gonna...
~ Sh!
186
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,350
Girls!
187
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,710
And do you have any kids?
188
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,030
One boy.
189
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,630
I've got a boy and a little girl.
190
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:47,950
Two kids came out of there? Wow.
191
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,870
Outdoors is all right
192
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:53,920
but my fanny looks like
it stepped on a land mine.
193
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,550
How long have you
been with your wife?
194
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,950
12 years. Her name's Fran.
195
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,390
And does Fran not mind you
coming to places like this?
196
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,390
Not as long as I fuck her
when I get back home.
197
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:07,910
She doesn't know I'm here.
198
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,270
Listen, there's some rooms out the
back that are a bit more private,
199
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,320
if you want to, you know, talk more.
200
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,880
I think I should get
back to the lads.
201
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,030
You sure?
202
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:27,080
No.
203
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:45,390
I left my bag inside. I'll
be one minute, two minutes.
204
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:49,350
This bag? You left this bag inside?
205
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,030
I want to see the boat.
206
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,230
Look at me, focus. There's no boat.
207
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,510
There's a tiny flat
with a filthy mattress
208
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,630
and nose hair clippings in the sink.
209
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:03,680
I want a filthy mattress.
I want any mattress.
210
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,230
I'm not happy.
211
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,150
Oh, darling! I am sorry to hear that
212
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,070
but you're going to
be even less happy
213
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:16,120
if you get all cut up and
put in a bin bag, OK?
214
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,840
So come on. Let's just go.
215
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,150
Oh, my God!
216
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:27,550
Shit! Did you just bang
your head? Are you...?
217
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:29,750
I'm OK.
218
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,800
Ow!
219
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,790
Oh, fuck! Just wait there. Don't
move, I'll get some help.
220
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,270
Help her! Don't move.
221
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,790
I need some help. I want a
first aid kit or something.
222
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,310
She's really banged her head.
223
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,430
Hello? I need an ambulance.
224
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,830
Where's the woman that
was like... there?
225
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,880
Where's the woman... Kate?
226
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,110
Kate! Kate!
227
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,190
I want to tell you what I did.
228
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,710
In the States, you get a
lot more bang for your buck
229
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:08,760
cos you can use dollar bills, y'all!
230
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,710
You've already given me like ?300.
231
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:11,990
Rob, I need to talk to you.
232
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,630
Do you? Now?
233
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,590
You can't really put a pound
coin down a dancer's g-string.
234
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:17,790
It's just going to fall out.
235
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:21,840
~ I want to tell ya what happened.
~ What if you didn't? What if you just took me out of the loop?
236
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,830
~ I found out that Mallandra...
~ I threw a pound coin on the stage once but it bounced
237
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,310
and chipped the dancer's tooth.
238
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:31,360
Do you ever shut yer fucking
trap for five minutes? Shut up!
239
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,270
Shut... THE FUCK UP!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
240
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,320
THEY SHOUT
241
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,600
And I'll have the 32-ounce
Kobe Tomahawk.
242
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,000
Hey.
243
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:03,550
We can't just roam London yelling
her name. I mean, the fact is,
244
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,830
statistically, she's
going to wake up today,
245
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,310
maybe with a concussion and probably
with herpes, but she'll be
246
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:13,360
alive and we can send her directly
back to Ireland on a bus.
247
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:17,150
I don't understand. Her
Facebook is all PTA
248
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,670
and cake sale shit and
Deepak Chopra quotes.
249
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,590
Maybe she's getting back
at you for all that dick.
250
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,640
She's missing. She cracked her skull
open. I don't know what to...
251
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,110
should I call her husband?
252
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,630
What are you going to say?
253
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,830
"Hey, Rick. I know
it's been six years
254
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,880
"but wanted to let you know your
wife is fucking a guy on a boat."
255
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,390
Or dead.
256
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,950
Or dead, but probably
fucking a guy on a boat.
257
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,750
Oh...
258
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,470
She was supposed to help
me get my dress today.
259
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,230
I'm sorry, honey.
260
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:49,350
Are you going straight to work?
261
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:50,750
Yeah, unfortunately.
262
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,150
Why? I thought it was getting better.
263
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,350
Weren't you going
to be a Spy for God?
264
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,030
I don't want to burden you with
it now, but my prevailing sense
265
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:03,080
is that it's bad people doing
bad things and I'm helping them.
266
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:07,840
It doesn't have to be forever. You
know, just the next 18 years or so.
267
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,390
Right.
268
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,440
Better now?
269
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,110
Special delivery!
270
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:44,160
Oh, God, don't say special delivery.
271
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:47,230
Hi.
272
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:51,280
~ Oh, my God, what is she wearing?
~ I don't want to hear it.
273
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,230
Hi.
274
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,350
You look beautiful.
275
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,310
No, I don't. I look like a couch.
276
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,110
~ A beautiful couch.
~ I'm going to take the hat off.
277
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,030
Fran really pushed the
hat, I don't like the hat.
278
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,080
Well, I don't think you need
it because I would like to look
279
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,550
at this unencumbered.
280
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:14,600
~ Do you want to go in there?
~ Yep.
281
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,950
(Are you OK?)
282
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,390
(Yes.)
283
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:27,440
(Good.)
284
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,390
OK, I took it off because...
285
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,470
Sorry I'm late!
286
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,710
You look lovely.
287
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,350
Where the fuck have you been?!
288
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,750
I thought you were dead or murdered.
I nearly cancelled the wedding!
289
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,800
I know, I'm sorry. I
ended up in Brighton.
290
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,030
I should've called but I knew
you'd just make me come back.
291
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,510
You know your husband has called
Sharon maybe 40 times?
292
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,560
It's fine. I spoke to him on the way
here, he knows I got a head wound.
293
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,030
~ Oh, Christ!
~ Jesus!
294
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,550
Oh, you need to go home.
295
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,990
But I'm your Maid of Honour.
296
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,310
Why don't you both go
in? I'll take over here.
297
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,360
It's OK.
298
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,560
I understand the groom would
like to say something.
299
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,950
I never thought it
would happen this way.
300
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,150
I mean, I wouldn't have ordered
this, if it were on the menu.
301
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,910
But there was no menu.
302
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,710
It was like one of those restaurants
where the chef just decides
303
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:33,630
what you're going to eat and it's
scary because what if you get, like,
304
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:37,510
a pheasant filled with capers?
305
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,950
But then he brings you something
unbelievably delicious
306
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,670
and you realise he knows better
than you could ever know,
307
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,720
and you never want to go to any
other restaurant ever again.
308
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,630
Fuck menus.
309
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,870
Do you have something
you'd like to add?
310
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,190
Erm...
311
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,910
Amen.
312
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,830
I call upon these persons
here present...
313
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,590
Actually, I would like to say
something, as maid of honour,
314
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:05,790
just now if that's...?
315
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,270
Sure.
316
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,320
It's actually a short song
but I think it's very fitting.
317
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,560
When my bonny love did falter
318
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,960
As the river laps the bank
319
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:27,480
His furtive tongue did loosen for
320
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:32,840
My love has just become
321
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:37,120
His eye did gaze upon our place
322
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,440
A love safe fine yet clear
323
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:47,160
I see your wheel turn fit, my dear
324
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:52,480
It pleasures me somewhere
325
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,160
The highs and lows where'er we go
326
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,430
Sha.
327
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,510
Sorry, just a second.
328
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,560
APPLAUSE
329
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:14,520
MUSIC: Don't Shilly Shally
by Edwyn Collins
330
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,510
Remember this place?
331
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:53,990
Yeah.
332
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,470
It's not as nice as
I remember it, though.
333
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:57,950
It's a different room.
334
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,710
I tried to get our room but
they'd had to seal it off
335
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:02,870
because they couldn't
get our sex funk out.
336
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,910
HE LAUGHS
337
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,960
We should probably have some
sex now, don't you think?
338
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,030
I...
339
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,080
This is pushing down
on my fart maker, so...
340
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:19,390
~ I'm not sure it's a good idea.
~ OK.
341
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,190
Hey, how are your feet? Those
shoes looked painful.
342
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,230
(They're killing me.)
343
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,510
Let me rub them a little bit.
344
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:28,870
Aww, thank you.
345
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,110
Oh, hey, Fergal was great
today, by the way.
346
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,270
I guess whatever he was going
on about wasn't that bad.
347
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,590
Oh, no, it was that bad,
I forgot to tell you.
348
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,830
This guy fromm Mallandra's work
texted her that she looked
349
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,990
sexy in her new dress, so Fergal
went round to his house
350
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,470
and attacked him, then he tried
to put him in the dress
351
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,230
and dislocated the guy's shoulder.
352
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:52,280
But he's decided to drop charges
now, so they're all OK.
353
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:54,750
Oh. Oh, good.
354
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:58,800
I mean, that's terrifying.
355
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,350
Wow.
356
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,590
What?
357
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,790
Your toenails are mighty long.
358
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,870
Oh, no, I'm sorry. Every time
I try to bend over to clip them
359
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:12,030
~ I feel like I'm going to puke and...
~ It's OK. I'll clip them for you.
360
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,870
What? No, I'll get
a pedicure tomorrow.
361
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,750
That's ridiculous. You're
my wife, you're pregnant,
362
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,350
your toenails are a hate crime,
so instead of having sex
363
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,400
on our wedding night, I'm
going to cut your toenails.
364
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:34,680
Hey...
365
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,350
Can I change my mind?
366
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:48,950
About what?
367
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,000
I think we should have some sex.
368
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,230
What?
369
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,590
What?
370
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:00,270
Well, you just... hesitated.
371
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,190
No, it's just, I have a
handful of your toenails.
372
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:05,310
It's not exactly foreplay...
373
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:08,310
That was your idea. I mean, if
clipping my toenails is going
374
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,790
to turn you off, don't
clip my toenails.
375
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,830
Well, I wanted to help you.
I mean, they were claw-like.
376
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,070
~ They weren't claw-like.
~ They were claw-like and gnarly.
377
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,430
You know what? Just forget it.
378
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,870
No, don't. Listen, I'm not
saying I don't want to...
379
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,510
Jesus, I hesitated because I looked
at the contents of my hand
380
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,560
and then it took a second to divert
blood from my brain to my dick...
381
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,230
Now you're making me feel shit.
382
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:36,280
Great, like I don't feel shit enough.
383
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,710
~ Why are you doing that?
~ Because...
384
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,190
you hurt my feelings, I don't really
want to look at your face right now.
385
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,230
I don't want look at yours either,
because you've twisted it
386
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:49,710
from its normal beautiful state
into a frowny little sourpuss,
387
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,710
like you do every day.
388
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,750
Like I do every day? What, every
day of my cursed pregnancy?
389
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:58,790
Where I've got to go to the doctor
three times a week because I'm 41
390
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,750
and every possible thing that could
have gone wrong has gone wrong?
391
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,670
I know, I've been there
every step of the way
392
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,110
and it hasn't been
a blast for me either.
393
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,950
Oh, well, why don't you go and
fuck another drunk woman and see
394
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,870
if she'll have a nicer, less
complicated pregnancy for you?
395
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,920
You know, I would but I've already
hitched my wagon to this... horse.
396
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:18,870
Horse?
397
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,110
Horse, I don't know, donkey...
Whatever you hitch a wagon to.
398
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,670
A beast of burden.
399
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,750
~ Get out.
~ You fucking get out,
400
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,470
you have got a house. I'll
stay here in this hotel
401
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,990
that I never should have
left in the first place.
402
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,030
OK.
403
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,550
Bullshit.
404
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:39,390
"Never should have left," what's
that supposed to mean?
405
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:40,830
Wait, are you really going?
406
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,870
Are you really leaving
on our wedding night?
407
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:47,910
Are you shitting me? This
isn't a fucking soap opera!
408
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,960
All I've ever done is try
and do the right thing.
409
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,320
The right thing? That's what this
is? That's what you're doing?
410
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,910
The right thing? You fucking
duty-bound boy scout.
411
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,230
~ I didn't mean...
~ I don't want to be the right thing.
412
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,630
I want to be a choice, that's
why I fucking hate this.
413
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,680
You are without a doubt the most hard
to please person I have ever met.
414
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:13,790
If I showed you a rainbow, you'd be
like, "Oh, there's too many colours.
415
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:16,950
"There's too many colours
on one thing."
416
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,000
Yeah, well, at least I don't
sell drugs that kill astronauts.
417
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:26,190
I just started there, and they
don't kill people any more.
418
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,710
And you believe that, you
gullible American prick?
419
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:32,760
I only took the job because of
you, you fucking ingrate shrew!
420
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,790
Fucking Christ!
421
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,030
Why the fuck did I...?
422
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:48,110
KNOCK AT DOOR
423
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,430
~ I'm so sorry...
~ My waters broke.
424
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:54,480
~ My waters broke and it's too early.
~ What?
425
00:23:54,530 --> 00:23:59,080
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