All language subtitles for Catastrophe s01e04.eng

THEY GRUNT AND GROAN

~ Thanks.
~ Thank you.

You won't be able to
do that for much longer.

~ Which part?
~ Toss me about like a sack of radishes. ~ Yeah, I will.

You're sexier pregnant
than you are not pregnant

and it gives me super strength.

I'll fuck you and then throw you
up on top of the refrigerator.

~ What will I do up there?
~ I don't care.

You know how we were talking about
doing the godparents thing?

YOU were talking about it

because you want to ask that Irish
writer dude that you barely know.

I don't barely know him. I know him.
I went to the same school as him.

And I just think it would
be great for our child

to have someone of that cultural
significance in his life.

In YOUR life.

Anyway, you have to christen a child

if you want to have godparents
so I think we should do that.

If I thought you halfway
believed in that shit

I'd christen it three
times, but you don't.

~ We can't not christen the baby, Rob!
~ Why? It's bullshit.

~ You know that godparents
have to renounce the devil? ~ So what?

How weird is that?

A bunch of adults standing
around a baby,

pretending to believe in the
devil so they can renounce him.

~ The baby won't know.
~ Yeah, but we'll know. ~ We don't care.

Well, why don't we just
have a naming ceremony?

Because that is a bullshit
California yoga retreat

load of bullshit and my
parents would kill me.

The best case scenario is
we ask your Patrick O'Heaney

to be godfather and he's like "OK,"
and then he changes his phone number

and writes a poem about
what assholes we are.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't know.

I just think there's
pros in raising your kid

just a little bit religious.

Like, God is like the best
friend of a lazy parent.

"Why is the sun yellow?" "God's
favourite colour is yellow.

"Now go upstairs so I can
give Dad a special hug

"and make you a little sister."

OK, well, that makes sense.
It all comes back to love.

Are you nervous about meeting
my parents tomorrow?

~ Yeah, but manageably. You?
~ Dunno.

My dad's pretty hard to talk to.

He's like a piece of granite
with bushy eyebrows.

~ What about your mom?
~ She's magical.

~ You'll like her better than you like me.
~ Great.

How's she doing in
the boob department?

Well, she only has one since her
mastectomy a couple of years back.

But it's pretty big.

Oh. OK.

~ Terrible flight. Turbulence.
Fuckin' Ryanair. ~ Des.

~ They sat me next to a Turkish.
~ A Turkish what?

~ A Turkish man.
~ Right.

~ From Turkey.
~ Right, right.

Let me just check on the tea.

Doesn't get any better
than this, does it?

~ Your brother's place?
~ Oh, yeah, it's lovely.

~ He's doubled his money on this place.
~ He hasn't doubled his money.

The money doubled itself.
He just sat there.

~ I'll go and help with the tea.
~ Where are you going?

~ SIMULTANEOUSLY: You're an American?
~ I love Ireland.

I'm sorry. I was just
saying, I love Ireland.

~ Have you been?
~ I want to.

What've they been doing
since they got here?

What have they been
doing? You saw it.

Growing mushrooms out of
their arseholes on my couch.

I told them I was going
to the office earlier

and I hid in the girl's bedroom
just to have some fucking peace.

I had to take a piss
into a sippy cup.

Can I tell them? This
is taking too long.

No! You are an observer
today, OK? Like the UN.

You say a syllable and
I'll cut your hands off.

Whatever happened to that Owen
fella? He was around for a while.

He moved to Africa, didn't he, Sha?

~ Yeah. Yeah. He had to go to Africa.
~ He was a good man.

Well, I won't be running
off to Africa any time soon.

I don't even know where it is!

So, Mum, Dad, we've got something
we'd like to tell you.

Talk to you about.

Lovely news I think will make
you very happy and that's...

.. we're getting married!

~ Congratulations.
~ Thanks, Mum.

I thought you were going to tell
us you were pregnant for a minute!

And I'm pregnant. That's
also part of this.

Your dad will warm up.

I mean, Fergal and
I are practically...

I wouldn't say brothers
yet but maybe like cousins

who are also good friends.

We bonded when he came with
me to pick out your ring.

And we both laughed when
your dad farted at the TV

~ when Tottenham scored that goal.
~ Everybody laughed at that.

Yeah, but I think Fergal
and I the hardest.

Hey, why don't we ask Fergal
to be the godfather?

He's not technically an adult
in the eyes of the church.

~ What?
~ He missed his confirmation cos he had the measles

and then he refused to
do it the following year

cos he'd a growth spurt
and a moustache by then.

Also, fuck him! I don't
want him to do it.

Your mom cornered me at one point
and asked me where I go to mass.

~ What did you say?
~ Saint Mary's?

~ How are we feeling?
~ Fine, I guess. Not terrible.

I mean, emotionally,
I suppose, I'm like...

~ A dumpster fire?
~ A bit up and down. ~ Good.

Now, I do have something we need
to discuss that is somewhat serious.

~ It's full cancer now?
~ No, no. No, it's not that.

We've been catching up on screenings
your first doctor didn't do.

One of them is the combined test

and that tells us if there's
a chromosomal abnormality.

~ What does that mean?
~ It would mean that there's a higher risk

of your baby having Down's Syndrome.

~ Because in a geriatric pregnancy...
~ Geriatric!

It's just a term.

But according to the combined test,

you're looking at a one in 50 risk
that your child has Down's Syndrome.

Well, Christ! One in
50? That's not that bad.

~ What are you? A sadist?
~ Sharon! ~ No, why do I need to know that?

Because the risk should ideally
be three times as low

and I'm required to tell you that

in case you need to prepare
for a substantially different

child-rearing experience.

Some people decide they won't
ever be ready for that.

~ Why...
~ Where are my knickers? Er...

Could you think up or
make up some good news

~ for the next time we come in?
~ Erm, OK. ~ Thank you.

Oh. Hey, Melissa. She just
came in. OK. Thank you.

~ Where the hell have you been?
~ I walked to Croydon.

~ OK. Is that far?
~ About 13 miles.

Well, if you ever need
to do that again,

~ please let me shadow you from
a block back or something. ~ OK.

What are we going to do?

Why couldn't you come over here
and got me pregnant ten years ago?

~ What the hell were you up to then?
~ Nothing that cool.

Can't I just enjoy
my fucking pregnancy?

Why can't I go to the doctor one time

and not get a bombshell that makes
me want to rip all my hair out?

When I see a happy pregnant woman
on the street I want to punch her!

I know. I'm so sorry.

I don't expect this to make
you feel better right now

but the fucking math of it
all is still in our favour,

even if it's worse math than
most people get? I don't know.

~ Maths.
~ Maths! Fuck maths!

Fuck each math!

My Uncle Kenny has Down's Syndrome
and he's a cool guy.

~ Your Uncle Kenny?
~ Yeah. He showed me my first picture of a boob.

It was from like a breast health
pamphlet or something.

I'm sure your Uncle Kenny was fun to
hang out with when you were little

but do you hang out with him
now? Because somebody has to.

They need more help for ever!
Are you ready for that?

Well, I haven't seen him in... But
that's not the point. The point is...

I don't know if I'm
a good enough person

~ to be able to look after a disabled child.
~ Neither am I, but...

A friend of mine's brother
had Down's Syndrome

and his parents were still looking
after him in their 70s.

And then the dad died and
it was just the mum left.

I used to see them in the supermarket

and she never once looked anything
but old and really, really tired.

Who fucking whistles their
way round a supermarket?

Maybe they went home, smoked a joint,

watch Judge Judy and
had a great time?

~ What do you want to do?
~ Do you mind if we don't talk about it any more?

~ It's not going to happen.
~ But if it did... ~ It's not.

Put it this way -

imagine you've got a one in 100
chance of winning the lottery...

~ It's one in 50.
~ Fine.

One in 50 chance of winning the
lottery if you buy a ticket.

~ Feeling good about your chances?
~ No, but...

There you go, if you're
not going to win that,

~ why would you win this one?
~ That's a good point.

Side point, the lottery is
for mouth breathing idiots

and should be illegal.

My cunt dad pissed every
pay cheque away at Ladbrokes

till the day he shot
himself in our barn.

Fuck, that is good cake.

Oh, by the way. Fran thinks
I'm having an affair.

She found the receipts
from all our din-dins

and jumped to conclusions so I had
to tell her I'd been out with you.

~ What?
~ It's all right. She wants to meet you and sort it out.

No, I'm sorry. This
is not a good time...

Don't be a bastard! Life goes on!

So man up and talk to my wife for me.

~ Spleeny? That's not word.
~ Yeah, it is. It's a word.

~ Spleeny?
~ Yeah, spleeny.

Like, if I walk into a room where
there's a pile of human spleens...

Yeah. You'd say, "It smells
a bit spleeny in here."

What? No! We said we weren't
looking things up.

~ Rob, don't!
~ PHONE RINGS

~ Who's calling you?
~ Who's calling me?

~ Yeah.
~ Er... Oh, Chris.

Fran found out Chris
and I were dating

and he wants me to
go and talk to her.

~ You bellend.
~ Spleeny works. That's... you win.

Yes! BANANAS!

So, if you consider everything
that happened in the 14th century,

complaining about whether you can
find a socket for your iPad charger,

Kiki, when you're on holiday
with your parents...

PHONE RINGS

Right. Turn to page 46, chapter
eight, and read from there.

~ Hello?
~ Hello? Is that Ms Morris? ~ Yeah. It is.

Oh, great. Thought I'd got
the wrong number there.

I'm calling because Dr Harris did
some tests with you the other day.

~ Yes.
~ Well, there was an error in the results.

It turns out the chances
of chromosomal abnormality

~ aren't one in 50, as you were told.
~ Oh. Well, that's... is that...

It's actually closer
to about one in 25.

Sorry about that. Not sure
what happened there.

The doctor suggested you pop
in and chat about amniocentesis.

He can recommend an
expert in the field.

~ Let us know. OK? Sorry again. Bye, now.
~ Bye, now.

SHE VOMITS

Oh, shit. Sorry.

SHE VOMITS

It's OK. I've just been
sick. Just excuse me.

~ Is she drunk?
~ She was drunk at the Christmas concert last year.

THEY LAUGH

Mr Norris isn't joining us?

~ No.
~ Now, it takes a week to get the test results.

You also have to know that
the risk of miscarriage

just from getting the
test done does exist.

Ms Morris?

Sorry, I was just trying to work out

how I mentally cope with
the nightmare scenario

of having a needle stuck in
my belly into my baby's neck,

risking miscarriage... I don't.

I mean, can you say
something to help?

You will have a much clearer picture
of your prospects with the Amnio.

Great.

Erm...

So, I mean, was there anything else?

~ Is Mummy here?
~ Mummy?

Jesus, get in here. You're a mess.

Was Dad OK after we left?

Ah, he'll warm to it. His heart did
go out of rhythm though afterwards.

~ He had to take one of
his pills and lie down. ~ Oh, please!

His heart went out of rhythm

because his only daughter
is getting married?

~ And pregnant.
~ Yeah, with a baby! Not a...

wombat!

~ Where have you come from?
~ I was at the doctor. ~ Why?

Well, because I'm pregnant.

You know, you go to the doctor
when you're pregnant,

so they can tell you
if everything's OK,

you know, if there's any issues...

You couldn't find out any
of that stuff in my day.

In my day you had two choices -

you either liked what you
had, or you didn't like it

and you buried it behind
the old oak tree.

~ God forgive me.
~ Mum?!

Oh, God, no. I didn't. Just...
Well, that's the way it was.

But everything's all right
though, with you and the baby?

Oh, no!

You knock-kneed fuckin' eejit!

~ Des! Mind your heart!
~ Yes, yes...

Couldn't be better.

Ah, that's good.

First, I want to really,
unreservedly apologise

for the way I behaved
when we came to dinner.

That's OK. I probably shouldn't
have got quite so riled up.

Well, maybe a little bit

when you were shouting about shoving
blueberries up arseholes.

Was it blueberries? I
thought I said walnuts.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

No, no, I...

~ So how's Jeffrey?
~ Jeffrey's great.

He's about to make his West
End debut with Alan Rickman.

Lovely man. Do you
know, he's nearly 70?

Still very muscular though.

Anyway, Rob, I'm sure you're aware

that Chris and I have
had our little...

.. internal disagreements.

He's a very tricky man.

~ Yeah, but he's...
~ Very tricky. ~ Mm-hmm.

And he shouldn't have
kept you for his secret.

Cos that makes me look like I'm...

Like...

It's really hard being married.

Sometimes I just want to scream.

Maybe you should.

Kids scream all the time.

And then they're happy
the rest of the time.

And adults, we try to just keep
everything stuffed in a box

that explodes every once
in a while and hurts people.

Yeah.

Well, Mister.

I really miss Sharon. And
you're not so bad yourself.

We'd love to give it another
go with you guys.

We could get together and scream.
Just not at each other this time.

Funny!

You're funny. Oh. Rob.

PROTESTING NOISES

This is... No, we...

Chris!

I was just...! Ah!

I'm sorry!

~ Hey.
~ Hi.

~ There's something...
~ I've been to the doctor without telling you.

Because they rang and said that chances
are higher than they thought.

Sorry.

And sorry I haven't
been talking to you.

~ That's OK.
~ It's because I can't.

I mean there's parts
of my heart and my brain

that I can't even visit right now.

But I want to know.

I mean, I don't know what I'll...

What we will do when we find
out because I can't even...

All I know is I need to know.

At least we can see him quickly,

since there's, like, eight people
in the country who can afford him.

~ They say he's the best.
~ He says he's the best. So arrogant.

He looks like Elton
John on his website.

Or like if Elton John had a
baby and Kanye West raised it.

He's the Kanye West of Amniocentesis.

Are you OK?

What a smug fucker.

Smugger than a doctor and
an architect combined.

Can you believe he referred
to himself as "Magic Fingers?"

I want to be like that.

I want to be a confident clown.

~ God, he smelled good too, didn't he?
~ Oh, yeah.

What was that?

That fucking needle though!

Sorry I sent you out of the room.

I would've let you stay if
you weren't audibly crying.

Like if there hadn't
been a noise component.

I cannot believe it didn't hurt.

It didn't.

I'll see that needle in my
nightmares until the day I die,

but it didn't hurt.

You're going to be
a champ giving birth.

You'll just yawn and
it'll fall right out.

Because of my roomy vagina?

Hey, I mean, it's like a cosy little
room. Like a laundry room,

not like a meeting hall.

~ Hi.
~ Hey! How are you? Come in. Come in.

~ Is Rob home?
~ No. No, don't worry. I know all about it. ~ Oh.

OK.

What did he say?

Just that he was sorry and, you
know, it must seem weird. Silly.

I'm just glad it's
all out in the open.

Oh. You're very kind.

It was just one kiss.

~ Sorry, what?
~ I think Rob and I both regret what happened.

Rob and I kissed?

It was just a moment's
nothing. It was...

I'm very sorry.

Oh!

DOOR CLOSES I had a visitor today.

Really?

Yeah, really. Fran came to see me.

~ Oh, well...
~ Did you sleep with Fran?

Oh, my God, no. Is that what you...?

No, no, no, no, no,
no. She kissed ME.

She practically ate
a piece of my gum.

The reason that I didn't say anything

is cos I didn't want
to embarrass her.

~ You gotta believe me.
~ I don't know what to believe, Rob.

This has totally backfired,
I was only trying to...

SHE LAUGHS

Course I believe you!

You son of a bitch.

Your face! Oh, you're on your knees.

Oh, that's so good.

I might have got a bit
carried away though.

I asked them to be godparents.

At least they've got money if we die.

SPOOKY RINGTONE

Hello?

Yeah.

OK. Yeah. Thank you very much.

~ You OK, Miss?
~ Yeah, I'm great.

You can't lie there.

I'm just waiting for my fiance.

~ Are you OK?
~ Yeah.

Er, the hospital just called.

So it's all OK.

~ I'll see you in a few months.
~ All right, love.

Now don't forget to eat.

~ Bye, Dad.
~ All right, dear. Listen, just... ~ Oh, no, don't be silly.

For the baby.

Bye.

Fuck's sake

MUSIC: Catch The Wind by Donovan

Sorry.

She's gorgeous.

She is, isn't she?

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