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1
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,751
You know, folks, in Hamburg,
2
00:00:27,776 --> 00:00:31,108
I once saw a half-dozen Germans
berate a bus driver
3
00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:33,494
because he was five minutes late.
4
00:00:33,629 --> 00:00:36,080
I mean, even today, you don't
have to squint too hard
5
00:00:36,105 --> 00:00:38,862
to see how Hitler got
those people to march.
6
00:00:39,008 --> 00:00:42,676
Having no chill, that's
a base tenet of fascism.
7
00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:44,937
Ooh, Charles, you know,
that sounded a little bit
8
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,608
too Bill Maher as I said it.
9
00:00:46,633 --> 00:00:49,156
Can we cut that out. Charles?
10
00:00:49,237 --> 00:00:51,851
Charles! Are you listening to me?
11
00:00:51,913 --> 00:00:54,474
Try... Try to pay attention
to the podcast, Charles.
12
00:00:54,524 --> 00:00:55,808
I mean, it is only your job.
13
00:00:55,859 --> 00:00:57,391
Jim!
14
00:00:57,674 --> 00:00:59,167
Jim! We can't be late.
15
00:00:59,202 --> 00:01:00,946
They're serious about this Raj thing.
16
00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:03,283
Jim?
17
00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:05,191
??
18
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:07,133
Ai! Ai! Hijo de puta!
19
00:01:07,236 --> 00:01:09,061
??
20
00:01:09,471 --> 00:01:11,394
Oh, man.
21
00:01:11,586 --> 00:01:14,960
We hit the bar hard
when Uribe got in last night.
22
00:01:15,144 --> 00:01:17,093
You got in three days ago.
23
00:01:17,252 --> 00:01:19,347
Well, time flies when you're on speed.
24
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:21,101
[LAUGHS]
25
00:01:21,437 --> 00:01:23,971
I am celebrating my retirement.
26
00:01:24,106 --> 00:01:27,012
Miss Jules, she cut me.
27
00:01:27,482 --> 00:01:29,216
Said I'm too slow at everything.
28
00:01:29,292 --> 00:01:30,673
I'm sorry, man.
29
00:01:31,267 --> 00:01:33,847
So, you got any speed?
30
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,968
No. Hey, where's Jim?
31
00:01:36,024 --> 00:01:39,192
Brockmire, man, he party
hard nowadays, man.
32
00:01:39,620 --> 00:01:41,487
He eventually left me behind.
33
00:01:41,597 --> 00:01:43,127
Why are you wearing his jacket?
34
00:01:43,259 --> 00:01:46,093
[LAUGHS]
35
00:01:46,755 --> 00:01:50,091
We switched clothes, man,
when the mushroom kicked in.
36
00:01:50,157 --> 00:01:52,402
Uribe thought it was
a good idea at the time.
37
00:01:52,554 --> 00:01:55,268
Hey, do you want Uribe
to help you find Brockmire?
38
00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:57,050
No, that's fine. I got this.
39
00:01:57,161 --> 00:01:58,452
Ai, that's better. Ai.
40
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,060
Yeah, I do this all the time.
41
00:02:00,129 --> 00:02:01,662
Come on, Jim. Where are you?
42
00:02:01,724 --> 00:02:04,192
[CROWD CHANTING "BROCK!"]
- [LAUGHS]
43
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,053
? Right now ?
44
00:02:07,138 --> 00:02:09,070
- ? Oh, right now ?
- Ooh.
45
00:02:09,151 --> 00:02:11,218
- ? I said, oh, Lord ?
- ? Oh, Lord ?
46
00:02:11,550 --> 00:02:13,266
? He's really gonna see me ?
47
00:02:13,678 --> 00:02:14,868
? Right now ?
48
00:02:15,391 --> 00:02:19,230
Wassup, world? It's your girl, Cassie.
49
00:02:19,530 --> 00:02:21,809
Look who I pulled from the bar.
50
00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:28,327
Old dude from the Internet.
51
00:02:28,545 --> 00:02:31,579
Hey. I'll wait for you here, man.
52
00:02:36,597 --> 00:02:37,863
Ugh.
53
00:02:37,956 --> 00:02:39,016
Where's Jim?
54
00:02:39,055 --> 00:02:40,383
I don't know where he is.
55
00:02:40,496 --> 00:02:42,209
I kicked him out an hour ago.
56
00:02:42,291 --> 00:02:45,158
Tried to eat my ass almost
as soon as we got in bed.
57
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:48,310
Ha! That's a reward
for a job well-done.
58
00:02:48,457 --> 00:02:50,416
You don't start a big meal
with dessert.
59
00:02:50,506 --> 00:02:52,296
Where did he say he was going?
60
00:02:52,441 --> 00:02:53,810
Said he was going to some bar
61
00:02:53,835 --> 00:02:56,579
that cuts out the middleman
of fun and conversation.
62
00:02:56,893 --> 00:02:59,426
??
63
00:02:59,881 --> 00:03:03,048
Pbht! What the hell took you so long?
64
00:03:03,947 --> 00:03:05,391
Your breath smells like ass.
65
00:03:05,459 --> 00:03:07,193
Oh, I wish.
66
00:03:07,323 --> 00:03:12,576
??
67
00:03:13,935 --> 00:03:16,293
Crawdaddys go on a long
road trip tomorrow...
68
00:03:16,318 --> 00:03:17,393
- two weeks.
- Yeah, no, I don't care
69
00:03:17,417 --> 00:03:18,427
who messed them up.
70
00:03:18,452 --> 00:03:19,452
I'm not paying for them.
71
00:03:19,477 --> 00:03:21,912
They're supposed to say
"Brockmire," not Brock-m-i-e-r.
72
00:03:21,937 --> 00:03:24,445
He's not French.
I expect a full refund.
73
00:03:24,614 --> 00:03:27,118
Crawdaddys threatening
here in the second.
74
00:03:30,345 --> 00:03:32,897
Mm-hmm. Oh, no, I have
the receipt on me right here.
75
00:03:32,990 --> 00:03:34,004
Hold on.
76
00:03:34,029 --> 00:03:35,757
And that is the first
run of the ball game,
77
00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:38,057
and you know what that means,
Crawdaddy fans.
78
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,288
It's time for the Crawdaddy Ditty.
79
00:03:42,530 --> 00:03:43,976
Press the button.
80
00:03:44,150 --> 00:03:45,283
[MUSIC PLAYS]
81
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,588
There it is, the Crawdaddy Ditty.
82
00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:50,324
You know what? Hold on.
I have a call on the other line.
83
00:03:50,932 --> 00:03:52,917
Hey. How was the flight, Mom?
84
00:03:54,704 --> 00:03:56,991
Yeah, well, I have some good news.
85
00:03:57,173 --> 00:04:01,076
I got us a reservation at
a Michelin star restaurant.
86
00:04:02,698 --> 00:04:04,164
Yeah, no, not like the tire people.
87
00:04:04,206 --> 00:04:07,319
It's just a way of saying
it's a fancy restaurant.
88
00:04:08,718 --> 00:04:10,234
Yeah, no, Dad's gonna meet us there.
89
00:04:10,593 --> 00:04:13,466
Hey, hey, hey, excuse me. Hi.
90
00:04:13,491 --> 00:04:15,891
Could you please bubble-wrap
these before you send them?
91
00:04:15,977 --> 00:04:18,711
We've gotten a few complaints.
Thank you.
92
00:04:18,893 --> 00:04:22,295
Yeah... No, uh, I-I agree with you.
93
00:04:22,398 --> 00:04:24,309
There's nothing fancy about tires.
94
00:04:25,188 --> 00:04:26,428
There isn't gonna be any tires there!
95
00:04:26,469 --> 00:04:28,049
I'm... I love you, Mom.
96
00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:29,923
I'll see you later. Goodbye.
97
00:04:30,045 --> 00:04:32,612
You said you needed
a little bit of office space.
98
00:04:32,748 --> 00:04:35,051
You're running a goddamn
mail-order sweatshop!
99
00:04:35,157 --> 00:04:36,956
And these guys keep stealing hot dogs.
100
00:04:37,012 --> 00:04:38,145
You know what?
101
00:04:38,213 --> 00:04:41,116
I'll give you $75 extra
a week for the rent,
102
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:43,417
and everybody in here
gets free hot dogs.
103
00:04:44,366 --> 00:04:46,452
That's a lot of cash.
104
00:04:46,574 --> 00:04:49,376
Well, credit cards don't make
problems go away this fast.
105
00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,382
Hey, wait, was that
the second out or the third?
106
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:55,872
Shit.
107
00:04:55,897 --> 00:04:58,308
Top of the third
is brought to you by...
108
00:04:58,333 --> 00:04:59,448
Shit!
109
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:02,504
...by... by...
110
00:05:03,099 --> 00:05:04,698
Delphina's Po' Boys.
111
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:06,759
Serving New Orleans for over 80 years.
112
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:11,064
Every bite will make you scream,
"Oh, boy, what a po' boy!"
113
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,212
Seems strange that lasted 80 years
114
00:05:13,248 --> 00:05:15,516
with a slogan that rhymes
"boy" with "boy," doesn't it?
115
00:05:15,541 --> 00:05:17,714
But, uh, that just means
their sandwiches
116
00:05:17,739 --> 00:05:19,271
are mighty tasty, folks.
117
00:05:19,308 --> 00:05:21,277
You're way off your game today.
118
00:05:22,657 --> 00:05:25,525
Johnson steps in. He's batting .255.
119
00:05:26,015 --> 00:05:27,215
All right, so this driver
120
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,114
will take you and Uribe
wherever you want to go.
121
00:05:29,166 --> 00:05:30,621
Eh, I'm not seeing Pedro tonight.
122
00:05:30,672 --> 00:05:33,167
He's got a date with
this professor from Tulane.
123
00:05:33,286 --> 00:05:35,353
Boy, that guy loves academics.
124
00:05:35,452 --> 00:05:37,819
Keeps dragging me around
to all these college bars
125
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,777
so we can find a big-ass woman
with a big-ass mind
126
00:05:40,817 --> 00:05:42,602
to sit on his big-ass face.
127
00:05:42,699 --> 00:05:44,101
Well, you won't be alone,
128
00:05:44,214 --> 00:05:46,259
because the driver will be
with you for 24 straight hours,
129
00:05:46,327 --> 00:05:48,528
because as you know,
tonight's my night off.
130
00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:51,130
Whoa, first I'm hearing of this.
131
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:52,557
I've been telling you for a month.
132
00:05:52,599 --> 00:05:54,533
You can't tell me.
You have to write it down.
133
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:57,623
I'm... I'm a visual listener, Charles.
134
00:05:59,612 --> 00:06:01,827
Well, you can't put it there.
135
00:06:01,887 --> 00:06:04,246
You have to put it on my
drinking hand or I don't see it.
136
00:06:04,306 --> 00:06:05,366
Come on. Just... Please.
137
00:06:05,391 --> 00:06:07,558
Hang out with me tonight,
and I'll pay you double.
138
00:06:07,882 --> 00:06:09,765
I'm head of your corporation.
139
00:06:10,011 --> 00:06:11,276
So?
140
00:06:11,352 --> 00:06:12,669
That means I pay you.
141
00:06:12,754 --> 00:06:14,814
Yeah, only 'cause you don't
trust me with the finances,
142
00:06:14,848 --> 00:06:16,580
Charles, which is beyond insulting.
143
00:06:16,690 --> 00:06:19,194
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me this much.
144
00:06:19,928 --> 00:06:21,884
Come on. Karen Hill big.
145
00:06:22,169 --> 00:06:24,069
I don't know what that means.
146
00:06:24,232 --> 00:06:27,093
Inexcusable that you haven't
seen, uh, "Goodfellas" yet.
147
00:06:27,140 --> 00:06:28,353
Come on. Slip it in there.
148
00:06:28,378 --> 00:06:30,572
No foreplay needed.
Ooh, that feels nice.
149
00:06:30,718 --> 00:06:35,086
??
150
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,329
? Walking the streets of New Orleans ?
151
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,532
? I see these trumpet players, ?
? tuba players, drummers ?
152
00:06:41,637 --> 00:06:44,452
? On the street corner ?
? tapping their feet ?
153
00:06:44,574 --> 00:06:47,071
? Bobbing their heads ?
? to the... beat ?
154
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:50,083
? 'Cause no matter what they say, ?
? this is our world ?
155
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:51,692
? We come from the bottom ?
156
00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,272
? Now we all... ?
157
00:06:53,337 --> 00:06:55,742
? Keep it locked down, ?
? this is ours now ?
158
00:06:55,857 --> 00:06:56,857
? Game's over... ?
159
00:06:56,986 --> 00:06:58,319
The birthday boy is here.
160
00:06:58,344 --> 00:07:00,540
Give me them 604s!
161
00:07:00,923 --> 00:07:02,433
Podcast, I've been meaning to ask you.
162
00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:05,319
- What's your podcast about?
- It's the drunk ramblings
163
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,139
of an old white dude
who drinks too much.
164
00:07:07,246 --> 00:07:09,271
- And that shit makes money?
- Yeah.
165
00:07:09,399 --> 00:07:11,424
I should do a podcast about, like,
166
00:07:11,503 --> 00:07:13,726
shoes and clothes and shit.
167
00:07:13,844 --> 00:07:15,203
You could.
168
00:07:15,271 --> 00:07:17,577
You could call it "Dipped and Laced."
169
00:07:18,984 --> 00:07:21,856
Can you talk into a microphone
for like an hour straight?
170
00:07:22,344 --> 00:07:24,296
All I do is talk shit.
171
00:07:24,682 --> 00:07:26,547
This is actually
a really good idea, Dave.
172
00:07:26,586 --> 00:07:28,712
I have some time right now
if you want...
173
00:07:28,785 --> 00:07:29,872
Let's do it.
174
00:07:29,964 --> 00:07:32,499
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
- Hold on.
175
00:07:32,622 --> 00:07:34,372
All right, I got to...
I got to take this.
176
00:07:34,446 --> 00:07:35,872
Yeah, sure.
177
00:07:36,385 --> 00:07:37,630
Ugh.
178
00:07:37,696 --> 00:07:39,069
Jim: Hello? Charles?
179
00:07:39,094 --> 00:07:40,624
I thought I took my uppers,
180
00:07:40,673 --> 00:07:42,940
but I must have taken my downers.
181
00:07:42,965 --> 00:07:46,835
I'm in a bathtub, and I can't
really lift my head.
182
00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:49,369
Surprise!
183
00:07:49,795 --> 00:07:50,956
[PARTY HORN BLOWS]
184
00:07:50,993 --> 00:07:54,709
[LAUGHS] You thought I forgot
your birthday, didn't you?
185
00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:57,597
Wrote it down on my coke dollar
so I wouldn't forget.
186
00:07:57,622 --> 00:07:59,807
August 15, Charles' birthday.
187
00:07:59,881 --> 00:08:01,848
[SNIFFS] Toot toot!
188
00:08:01,951 --> 00:08:03,495
I thought you were dying.
189
00:08:03,595 --> 00:08:06,174
Come on, Charles.
I was just messing with you.
190
00:08:06,335 --> 00:08:07,801
I got a big night planned.
191
00:08:08,003 --> 00:08:10,537
I got two bottles
of 18-year-old scotch.
192
00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:11,725
Those are for me.
193
00:08:11,814 --> 00:08:14,027
I got you a lovely birthday cake,
194
00:08:14,087 --> 00:08:15,662
which I've already eaten my half of.
195
00:08:15,747 --> 00:08:18,766
And quite frankly,
it isn't sitting very well.
196
00:08:18,868 --> 00:08:21,601
And, ooh, I got you a big,
old bag of cocaine,
197
00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,737
which is how I remembered your
birthday in the first place
198
00:08:23,789 --> 00:08:26,841
and, uh, yeah, that...
Well, that's also for me.
199
00:08:29,411 --> 00:08:32,973
So the only thing you've
gotten me for my birthday
200
00:08:33,173 --> 00:08:34,748
is a half-eaten birthday cake.
201
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,305
No.
202
00:08:36,545 --> 00:08:40,946
I also got you Chastity,
who is a lovely sex worker,
203
00:08:40,971 --> 00:08:43,500
and she's here to pop your cherry!
204
00:08:43,525 --> 00:08:45,770
- There she is!
- Damn, man!
205
00:08:45,795 --> 00:08:47,673
You ruined that bathroom.
206
00:08:47,756 --> 00:08:50,690
I think I already admitted that
the cake was not sitting well.
207
00:08:50,766 --> 00:08:53,099
- Touch�.
- Charles, Chastity.
208
00:08:53,164 --> 00:08:55,022
Now, I want you to know... Hey...
209
00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:57,436
I went to great lengths to make sure
210
00:08:57,461 --> 00:09:00,307
that this was
the perfect woman for you.
211
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:02,460
So you already had sex with her.
212
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,645
You know, Charles, come on,
that'd be weird.
213
00:09:04,754 --> 00:09:06,023
It's your birthday.
214
00:09:06,194 --> 00:09:08,029
You're gonna have sex with her first,
215
00:09:08,150 --> 00:09:10,024
and then I'm going
to have sex with her.
216
00:09:10,119 --> 00:09:12,630
And then you go and then I go
and then you go and then I go.
217
00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:15,029
But nobody comes
except for Chastity, of course,
218
00:09:15,069 --> 00:09:17,258
because, you know, we're...
We're both gentlemen.
219
00:09:17,429 --> 00:09:18,782
Can't wait.
220
00:09:18,834 --> 00:09:21,500
Is this really how you imagined
me losing my virginity?
221
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:24,264
Yes. It's weird how close this is.
222
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,864
We're both sitting on this couch
223
00:09:25,917 --> 00:09:27,935
and I had this exact level of erection.
224
00:09:27,995 --> 00:09:32,106
I mean, I'm... I'm giving myself
d�j� vu with this thing.
225
00:09:32,187 --> 00:09:34,100
I'm not doing this.
226
00:09:34,744 --> 00:09:37,744
Well, I think you're hurting
Chastity's feelings, Charles.
227
00:09:37,865 --> 00:09:41,185
Oh, no, no, I've been
in this game a long time.
228
00:09:41,283 --> 00:09:44,303
I got thick skin. And loose skin.
229
00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:46,365
He's hurting my feelings, all right?
230
00:09:46,421 --> 00:09:47,821
Charles, come on.
231
00:09:47,883 --> 00:09:49,448
What's more important
than spending time
232
00:09:49,491 --> 00:09:51,691
with your best friend
on your... on your birthday?
233
00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:53,920
Hanging out with my family.
234
00:09:54,363 --> 00:09:55,763
I'm having dinner with them.
235
00:09:55,830 --> 00:09:59,298
You're having dinner with your
family and didn't invite me?
236
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,101
How can you do that?
237
00:10:01,183 --> 00:10:03,304
Because they hate you.
238
00:10:03,458 --> 00:10:06,084
My mom still calls us
moving out of Morristown
239
00:10:06,175 --> 00:10:07,641
"the kidnapping."
240
00:10:07,719 --> 00:10:10,110
And my dad thinks
you're my sugar daddy.
241
00:10:10,225 --> 00:10:12,246
It took them a whole year
to even talk to me again.
242
00:10:12,406 --> 00:10:14,713
I'm not gonna let you ruin that by...
243
00:10:15,117 --> 00:10:16,714
being you.
244
00:10:17,185 --> 00:10:19,274
Now, what the hell is that su...
245
00:10:22,449 --> 00:10:24,156
[VOMITS]
246
00:10:24,305 --> 00:10:26,005
God damn, man!
247
00:10:26,094 --> 00:10:28,361
How can it smell the same
coming out the other end?
248
00:10:28,437 --> 00:10:31,105
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
249
00:10:31,492 --> 00:10:33,698
All... All over your nice,
new sneakers.
250
00:10:33,754 --> 00:10:38,079
I'm so... God damn it!
I got to cut back on the sugar.
251
00:10:38,299 --> 00:10:40,460
It's my one true vice.
252
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:42,013
Oh!
253
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:45,978
All right, Charles,
254
00:10:46,027 --> 00:10:48,758
I will not go to your
precious family dinner.
255
00:10:49,557 --> 00:10:51,109
You weren't invited.
256
00:10:51,824 --> 00:10:54,227
You and I both know
that was not gonna stop me.
257
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,313
But you have to do something for me,
258
00:10:57,531 --> 00:11:00,165
and that something is named Chastity.
259
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,571
Oh.
260
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:04,989
Is it go time?
261
00:11:05,597 --> 00:11:07,950
'Cause I just popped
a toaster strudel in,
262
00:11:08,037 --> 00:11:10,016
and I'm gonna need five.
263
00:11:10,642 --> 00:11:13,519
Also, someone's been
doubling up on your frosting
264
00:11:14,094 --> 00:11:16,220
'cause y'all are low.
265
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,327
What? It wasn't me.
266
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,173
- Yeah.
- [SNIFFS]
267
00:11:22,523 --> 00:11:27,492
[CHASTITY SUCKING FINGERS]
268
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:31,235
Hey, can I just get a few
things off my chest first?
269
00:11:31,924 --> 00:11:33,324
Sure, sweetie.
270
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,242
I mean, half my job is listening.
271
00:11:35,389 --> 00:11:37,897
Um, I didn't have the best childhood.
272
00:11:37,970 --> 00:11:41,517
I barely ever saw my dad.
My mom is extremely needy.
273
00:11:41,542 --> 00:11:44,260
And my stepdad is just the worst.
274
00:11:44,775 --> 00:11:47,033
So when I saw the chance
to escape, I took it.
275
00:11:47,093 --> 00:11:50,008
I knew New Orleans would be
much better than whatever life
276
00:11:50,033 --> 00:11:51,933
I had back home, and I was right.
277
00:11:51,958 --> 00:11:53,490
It's really great.
278
00:11:53,596 --> 00:11:55,292
And I set this whole
birthday dinner thing
279
00:11:55,369 --> 00:11:56,813
to show my family how well I'm doing.
280
00:11:56,855 --> 00:11:58,955
And you're eating
another toaster strudel.
281
00:11:59,098 --> 00:12:01,718
What? You don't want to have sex.
282
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:03,292
We don't have to. It's fine.
283
00:12:03,402 --> 00:12:05,769
Great! Nice!
284
00:12:05,915 --> 00:12:08,185
So you'll tell Jim we had sex?
285
00:12:08,341 --> 00:12:09,947
Mm-hmm. For $300.
286
00:12:10,002 --> 00:12:11,200
What?
287
00:12:11,443 --> 00:12:14,044
He paid you $150.
288
00:12:14,148 --> 00:12:17,381
Why am I paying you double to lie?
289
00:12:17,467 --> 00:12:21,453
'Cause lying is a sin,
and I'm a godly woman.
290
00:12:21,587 --> 00:12:23,226
You're a prostitute.
291
00:12:23,522 --> 00:12:25,509
There's prostitutes in the Bible.
292
00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:27,629
You know what?
293
00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,371
You're right. I can't argue with that.
294
00:12:30,396 --> 00:12:32,751
You're absolutely right.
295
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,077
Here you go.
296
00:12:34,111 --> 00:12:35,737
Pleasure doing business with you.
297
00:12:35,774 --> 00:12:36,839
Happy birthday!
298
00:12:36,902 --> 00:12:38,256
[DOOR SLAMS]
299
00:12:38,337 --> 00:12:39,969
??
300
00:12:40,065 --> 00:12:42,739
Hmm. Nice stuff. They got some...
301
00:12:42,808 --> 00:12:44,774
- Hey.
- Hey.
302
00:12:52,704 --> 00:12:54,337
Nice of you to show up, Junior.
303
00:12:54,453 --> 00:12:56,162
Yeah, well, it's, uh, 7:00 p.m.
304
00:12:56,288 --> 00:12:58,554
I said 7:00. I'm exactly on time.
305
00:12:58,689 --> 00:13:03,326
Charlotte and Charlyn,
what is "exactly on time"?
306
00:13:03,369 --> 00:13:04,701
Both: Late, sir.
307
00:13:04,752 --> 00:13:05,895
Thank you.
308
00:13:05,965 --> 00:13:08,131
Well, I apologize, Dad.
309
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:10,014
I'm happy you could make it up
from Mississippi.
310
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:13,022
Yeah, well, the girls
wanted to see New Orleans.
311
00:13:13,205 --> 00:13:17,463
So we went on a swamp boat tour,
and we saw a alligator farm,
312
00:13:17,488 --> 00:13:19,622
and then we saw some
other historical landmarks.
313
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:21,398
You did all that since this morning?
314
00:13:21,447 --> 00:13:23,561
No, we've been here for four days.
315
00:13:23,849 --> 00:13:26,887
Oh... kay.
316
00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:30,328
My two favorite Charles'sss.
317
00:13:30,495 --> 00:13:31,861
Terry, where's Mom?
318
00:13:31,917 --> 00:13:33,751
Oh, she's outside
parking the rental car.
319
00:13:33,806 --> 00:13:36,739
I drove down, but she's better
at parallel parking than I am.
320
00:13:36,821 --> 00:13:38,621
People honk, I get flustered.
321
00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:41,465
Terry, why didn't you stay
to hold open the door for me?
322
00:13:41,580 --> 00:13:43,206
I nearly sprained my wrist.
323
00:13:43,261 --> 00:13:45,750
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Let me get you some ice.
324
00:13:45,871 --> 00:13:48,962
No, I don't need any ice.
I will heal from the pain.
325
00:13:49,134 --> 00:13:51,399
I always heal from the pain.
326
00:13:52,097 --> 00:13:57,211
Speaking of pain,
let me see my birthday boy.
327
00:13:57,322 --> 00:13:59,595
Hmm! Oh!
328
00:14:01,687 --> 00:14:04,002
I see you survived your kidnapping.
329
00:14:04,089 --> 00:14:06,395
Hi, Mom. It's great to see you.
330
00:14:06,492 --> 00:14:08,859
- Mm-hmm.
- God damn.
331
00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:14,231
- Ooh!
- Bobbi, you still got it, girl.
332
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,987
[LAUGHS]
333
00:14:18,113 --> 00:14:19,333
If I wasn't married,
334
00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,951
I'd say we run that thing
back one more time tonight.
335
00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:24,585
Well, if you weren't
married, I'd let you.
336
00:14:24,710 --> 00:14:26,938
[BOTH GROWLING]
337
00:14:30,528 --> 00:14:34,030
So, this is the restaurant
the tire people recommend.
338
00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:35,565
Don't worry about it.
339
00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:38,700
I know it's my birthday,
but it's my treat.
340
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:39,869
It's my gift to you guys.
341
00:14:39,952 --> 00:14:43,020
So your older man friend gave
you some walking-around money?
342
00:14:43,195 --> 00:14:46,812
I, uh, I told you, Dad, I make
my own money from the podcast.
343
00:14:46,991 --> 00:14:49,592
I ain't never seen no podcast
that pay this much.
344
00:14:49,735 --> 00:14:51,684
How many podcasts have you seen?
345
00:14:51,777 --> 00:14:53,003
Don't question me, boy.
346
00:14:53,032 --> 00:14:54,538
Hey, do they have that
pre-dinner bread?
347
00:14:54,563 --> 00:14:57,362
- I'm starvin' bajarvin'.
- Oh, my g... Okay, can we...
348
00:14:57,463 --> 00:15:01,231
Look, we haven't been in the
same room in a very long time.
349
00:15:01,325 --> 00:15:03,831
I just want all of us to enjoy
each other's company.
350
00:15:03,949 --> 00:15:06,250
Please? I miss you guys.
351
00:15:06,332 --> 00:15:09,199
Aww. I miss you, too, baby.
352
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:12,233
Your sisters were excited to see you.
353
00:15:13,198 --> 00:15:14,565
And I was, too.
354
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,526
Baby, look, I know
we can be hard on you,
355
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,367
but it's just because
we love you so much.
356
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:24,332
I've settled for...
so many things in my life.
357
00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:28,741
But I never want you
to settle for anything
358
00:15:28,766 --> 00:15:31,772
- other than your best life.
- Thanks, Mom.
359
00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:34,764
There they all are.
So good to see all of you.
360
00:15:34,891 --> 00:15:37,434
I'm Jim. Charles has told me
so much about all of you.
361
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,362
Hey! Come on! Let's talk for a second.
362
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,104
I thought we had a deal.
363
00:15:41,186 --> 00:15:44,059
We did, Charles, but you did
not fuck your end of it.
364
00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:47,240
I paid Chastity $300,
and she told me the truth.
365
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,268
So we paid her $750 just
to eat all of our strudel?
366
00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:52,681
Apparently.
367
00:15:53,145 --> 00:15:56,079
Bobbi, Charles tells me
that you are from Fayetteville.
368
00:15:56,140 --> 00:15:57,741
I am from right across the border
369
00:15:57,783 --> 00:15:59,303
in Barry County, Missouri.
370
00:15:59,328 --> 00:16:00,415
Can you believe that?
371
00:16:00,472 --> 00:16:01,845
We're both children of the Ozarks.
372
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:03,961
I mean, we're practically cousins.
373
00:16:04,054 --> 00:16:06,040
Mm-hmm. I only have one white cousin,
374
00:16:06,071 --> 00:16:07,638
and his name is Dan Marino.
375
00:16:07,906 --> 00:16:09,238
And you must be the sergeant.
376
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:10,918
Sir, it is such a pleasure to meet you.
377
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:13,164
I want to thank you for your service.
378
00:16:14,353 --> 00:16:16,392
So you're my son's fancy friend.
379
00:16:16,602 --> 00:16:18,468
That is exactly who I am.
380
00:16:18,557 --> 00:16:21,091
Now, I know that you're all
very worried about Charles,
381
00:16:21,155 --> 00:16:24,256
but I want to assure you
that he is just doing fantastic.
382
00:16:24,462 --> 00:16:26,863
He's so happy that you all
came here to celebrate with him,
383
00:16:26,899 --> 00:16:31,530
but really, what is
a celebration without a toast?
384
00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:33,444
Come on in.
385
00:16:33,539 --> 00:16:35,105
Champagne for everybody.
386
00:16:35,174 --> 00:16:37,905
Now, this is on me. Thank you, darling.
387
00:16:38,057 --> 00:16:40,624
Make sure everyone gets one, now.
388
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,006
All right. To Charles...
389
00:16:43,142 --> 00:16:48,013
Well, if it ain't the ass
eater extraordinaire.
390
00:16:48,287 --> 00:16:51,137
You didn't even kiss me
on the mouth first.
391
00:16:51,289 --> 00:16:53,356
What kind of man
goes straight for the ass
392
00:16:53,392 --> 00:16:55,623
before they kiss you on the mouth?
393
00:16:56,272 --> 00:16:58,305
One that thought he was in a safe space
394
00:16:58,330 --> 00:17:00,230
to try a little something different.
395
00:17:00,264 --> 00:17:02,283
- You...
- All right, okay.
396
00:17:05,016 --> 00:17:06,349
What the hell was that in there?
397
00:17:06,392 --> 00:17:08,355
Hey, is it my fault that the rectum
398
00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:10,669
has the same amount of pleasure
receptors as the clitoris?
399
00:17:10,716 --> 00:17:13,117
It isn't. I mean, blame God
or natural selection,
400
00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:14,652
depending on your belief system.
401
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,720
See, this is exactly why
I didn't want you here.
402
00:17:17,107 --> 00:17:18,382
I'm trying to patch
whatever relationship
403
00:17:18,406 --> 00:17:19,453
I have left with the family,
404
00:17:19,478 --> 00:17:20,671
and you're just gonna
come in here and ruin it.
405
00:17:20,695 --> 00:17:22,068
You're almost as bad as Terry!
406
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,994
What do y'all have against that guy?
407
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,880
He seems like a very sweet man to me.
408
00:17:25,932 --> 00:17:29,433
Never, ever take Terry's side.
409
00:17:29,736 --> 00:17:32,423
Never. If you're gonna stay here,
410
00:17:32,448 --> 00:17:33,548
you're gonna be on your best behavior.
411
00:17:33,572 --> 00:17:36,181
You understand me? Not a word.
412
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:37,865
- I got it.
- Not a word.
413
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,005
- How do you want me to...
- Jim!
414
00:17:39,030 --> 00:17:40,116
- Okay.
- Ah, ah, ah!
415
00:17:40,141 --> 00:17:41,273
All right.
416
00:17:41,964 --> 00:17:43,203
Thank you.
417
00:17:45,122 --> 00:17:48,122
Here's the happy couple.
Did y'all kiss and make up?
418
00:17:48,324 --> 00:17:51,059
Sorry about that.
Sorry about all of this.
419
00:17:51,084 --> 00:17:53,151
Now, it's just exactly
what we expected,
420
00:17:53,242 --> 00:17:55,213
which is why we got you this.
421
00:17:55,705 --> 00:17:57,368
Happy birthday, son.
422
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,777
- What's this?
- It's a plane ticket.
423
00:18:00,857 --> 00:18:02,957
Now, look, I already got two good kids,
424
00:18:03,025 --> 00:18:04,959
so whatever happens to you, I'm fine.
425
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:06,831
But you're all your mother has,
426
00:18:06,909 --> 00:18:09,054
which is why you ought to be
at home taking care of her.
427
00:18:09,079 --> 00:18:13,030
Charles, I-I haven't been doing
well since you left, Charles.
428
00:18:13,102 --> 00:18:14,897
I...
429
00:18:16,366 --> 00:18:17,732
I have cancer.
430
00:18:18,353 --> 00:18:20,082
Oh, my God, Mom.
431
00:18:20,170 --> 00:18:23,237
Emotional cancer caused by you.
432
00:18:23,278 --> 00:18:25,316
- Oh, my God! Mom!
- What?
433
00:18:25,341 --> 00:18:26,946
When you left, a sadness took over me,
434
00:18:26,971 --> 00:18:28,905
and you're the only one
who can make it go away!
435
00:18:28,930 --> 00:18:30,752
Well, why can't Terry take care of you?
436
00:18:30,813 --> 00:18:32,412
Terry can't even get bread.
437
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:33,585
I'm hungry.
438
00:18:33,615 --> 00:18:35,148
See, that's why you need to be at home.
439
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:36,986
- I am home.
- I don't understand
440
00:18:37,011 --> 00:18:38,554
how you turned out this way.
441
00:18:38,621 --> 00:18:40,954
You know I need you, and you
won't even consider me,
442
00:18:41,024 --> 00:18:42,193
your mother.
443
00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:44,598
Fed you every day,
kept you in nice clothes,
444
00:18:44,653 --> 00:18:46,890
kept a roof over
your head all by myself!
445
00:18:46,990 --> 00:18:49,904
And now look at you...
Ungrateful and selfish!
446
00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,490
That... That's enough. I'm sorry.
447
00:18:51,534 --> 00:18:53,330
I promised Charles
I wouldn't say anything,
448
00:18:53,355 --> 00:18:54,888
but I cannot sit idly by
449
00:18:54,913 --> 00:18:56,980
and listen to you
badmouth this young man.
450
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:59,221
Now, Sergeant, all due respect, sir,
451
00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:00,479
but you haven't been in his life.
452
00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:02,904
You have no right
to criticize his choices.
453
00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:05,787
You also seem to be turning your
girls into very strange robots.
454
00:19:05,902 --> 00:19:08,223
They have not blinked one time,
and I'm terrified.
455
00:19:08,298 --> 00:19:09,476
Thank you for your service.
456
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:12,102
Terry, hey, very difficult
to respect anybody
457
00:19:12,135 --> 00:19:13,628
who has no respect for themselves.
458
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,521
- No offense to you.
- Oh, none taken.
459
00:19:15,945 --> 00:19:17,580
You should be offended by that, Terry.
460
00:19:17,605 --> 00:19:20,272
That's the whole point.
No, never mind. Never mind.
461
00:19:20,442 --> 00:19:24,712
Madam, you are an emotionally
manipulative narcissist.
462
00:19:24,780 --> 00:19:26,689
I know. No, 'cause that's what I am.
463
00:19:26,756 --> 00:19:29,260
Now I see why Charles was drawn
to me in the first place.
464
00:19:29,285 --> 00:19:31,441
This is all he's known his entire life.
465
00:19:31,541 --> 00:19:33,214
Except with Jim, I get paid.
466
00:19:33,396 --> 00:19:35,009
You're darn right he does.
467
00:19:35,034 --> 00:19:38,130
This genius here helped me
build a podcast juggernaut.
468
00:19:38,201 --> 00:19:40,909
Go ahead. Tell them how much
money you made last year.
469
00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:42,616
$600,000.
470
00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:46,443
600 thousa... $600,000?
471
00:19:46,683 --> 00:19:47,948
I made $400,000.
472
00:19:48,150 --> 00:19:49,817
The 60/40 split is in your favor?
473
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,364
I do most of the work.
474
00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:53,221
Oh, we're gonna put a pin
in this conversation.
475
00:19:53,246 --> 00:19:54,743
No, we're gonna revisit it later.
476
00:19:54,924 --> 00:19:57,325
Well, now I have some things
I'd like to say.
477
00:19:57,350 --> 00:19:59,617
That jacket you always wear
looks like the carpet
478
00:19:59,642 --> 00:20:01,875
at a motel that charges by the hour.
479
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:05,155
Only a degenerate and a fool
would eat a stranger's ass.
480
00:20:05,261 --> 00:20:07,395
And any man who does must
be compensating
481
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,523
for his tiny pecker!
482
00:20:09,578 --> 00:20:13,180
I have been told that I am
exactly average by sex workers
483
00:20:13,205 --> 00:20:16,205
around the world
in 16 different languages, okay?
484
00:20:16,358 --> 00:20:17,880
So now that we both had our turn...
485
00:20:17,947 --> 00:20:19,013
Oh, no, I'm just warming up.
486
00:20:19,038 --> 00:20:20,846
Let me tell you something else,
Mr. Announcer.
487
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:24,105
Don't bother. We're leaving.
488
00:20:24,846 --> 00:20:26,033
I'm sorry for the way I left,
489
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,766
but this dinner
made me realize why I did it.
490
00:20:27,797 --> 00:20:31,079
Now I'm gonna go back
to my house that I own.
491
00:20:31,921 --> 00:20:33,787
I love you all. Except Terry.
492
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,593
Ch... Hey, is the house
in your name, too?
493
00:20:35,618 --> 00:20:37,276
It is, isn't it? Because we're
gonna have to have
494
00:20:37,301 --> 00:20:38,833
a serious talk about my finances.
495
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,409
In what I thought was a partnership.
496
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:45,733
Thanks for standing up for me.
497
00:20:45,795 --> 00:20:48,060
Well, Charles, I know what it's like
498
00:20:48,085 --> 00:20:49,885
to not be seen by your family.
499
00:20:50,005 --> 00:20:51,672
And, you know, I don't always give you
500
00:20:51,697 --> 00:20:53,130
the credit that you deserve,
501
00:20:53,155 --> 00:20:56,329
but, uh, as a man
with a prodigious ego,
502
00:20:56,545 --> 00:21:00,070
let me pay you the highest
possible compliment that I can.
503
00:21:00,877 --> 00:21:03,812
Charles, you are almost
as talented as I am.
504
00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,902
Wow.
505
00:21:07,984 --> 00:21:09,583
Yeah.
506
00:21:09,998 --> 00:21:11,198
Well, thanks, Jim.
507
00:21:11,533 --> 00:21:13,315
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Whoa, whoa.
508
00:21:13,383 --> 00:21:15,041
I got one more gift for you.
509
00:21:15,718 --> 00:21:17,443
Jim, if there's another
prostitute in here,
510
00:21:17,468 --> 00:21:19,535
I swear I'm gonna lose my shit.
511
00:21:19,616 --> 00:21:20,749
I...
512
00:21:22,585 --> 00:21:23,825
Hmm.
513
00:21:23,850 --> 00:21:24,958
604s?
514
00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:26,115
Oh, yeah.
515
00:21:26,407 --> 00:21:28,879
??
516
00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:31,292
I thought I got the last pair
of 11s in the city.
517
00:21:31,347 --> 00:21:34,315
What can I say?
I have friends in high places.
518
00:21:35,518 --> 00:21:36,746
Did you call Joe Buck?
519
00:21:36,771 --> 00:21:38,504
I called Joe Buck.
520
00:21:39,254 --> 00:21:44,457
??
521
00:21:46,260 --> 00:21:50,260
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00:21:50,310 --> 00:21:54,860
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