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1
00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:03,879
All right, he's a 6.
2
00:00:04,837 --> 00:00:07,090
Oh, totally a 6.
Yum!
3
00:00:07,690 --> 00:00:08,598
Oh, he's a 7.
4
00:00:08,629 --> 00:00:10,928
No way!
5 1/2, tops.
5
00:00:10,955 --> 00:00:13,680
Ouch! Okay,
that's harsh, right?
6
00:00:13,746 --> 00:00:15,389
No, that's what I like about it.
7
00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:16,756
Okay.
8
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,052
He's a 10.
I mean, look at him.
9
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,354
Eww, dude, a 10?!
10
00:00:22,421 --> 00:00:24,089
Like, get away!
11
00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:26,108
I can't believe
you're into that.
12
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,227
I hope he's, like,
seven inches max.
13
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,229
Inches? I thought we were
rating them on hotness.
14
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,530
I thought we were
rating them on dick size.
15
00:00:31,597 --> 00:00:33,599
Why would we be rating
them on dick size?
16
00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:36,034
Abbi, why wouldn't we be
rating them on dick size?
17
00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,403
It's all I can see.
18
00:00:38,454 --> 00:00:40,239
Those b-ball shorts
are God's gift.
19
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:45,828
If you train your eyes,
you can see their religion.
20
00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:56,588
Break the cork
and bring the funk
21
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,309
Come on, boy, break the cork
and bring the funk
22
00:01:02,461 --> 00:01:03,562
Hey, ladies,
23
00:01:03,629 --> 00:01:06,398
your staring is making some of
the guys feel uncomfortable.
24
00:01:12,355 --> 00:01:13,084
Seven.
25
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,358
Four and three and two and one
26
00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:24,584
Ohh.
27
00:01:25,484 --> 00:01:27,202
Damn-a!
28
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,705
I've never been to
a restaurant this nice.
29
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:34,052
I've never even worked at
a restaurant this nice.
30
00:01:35,545 --> 00:01:38,430
I read their molten lava
cake is "life-changing."
31
00:01:38,497 --> 00:01:40,098
Perfect for your birthday.
32
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:41,934
Oprah says that your
birthday dictates
33
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:43,685
the kind of year
you're about to have.
34
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,805
I haven't eaten a thing
in the past 36 hours
35
00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:49,691
in order to be able to,
like, really stuff myself
36
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:52,110
with as much expensive
food as possible.
37
00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,529
It's gonna raise my
market value, like, so much.
38
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:57,232
I'm gonna have a high
high-end year.
39
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,484
I've been overeating this week
40
00:01:59,535 --> 00:02:01,370
and then emptying
myself with laxatives.
41
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,955
It's been working really well.
42
00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:03,989
Too well.
43
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,374
My underwear
is filled--
44
00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,025
Good evening, mademoiselles.
45
00:02:07,076 --> 00:02:09,461
Hi.
Enchante, uh, monsieur.
46
00:02:09,528 --> 00:02:12,381
My dad--
my father figure
47
00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,677
has made a reservation
under Abbi Abrams for two.
48
00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:18,670
I believe his payment card
should be on file.
49
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:20,682
We are on celebration...
50
00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:23,141
for my birthday.
51
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:24,189
Oh, how wonderful.
52
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:26,561
May I take your coats?
53
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,348
Please... do.
54
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,716
Here you go.
55
00:02:31,768 --> 00:02:34,603
Would you care to keep
your jacket, Madame?
56
00:02:34,687 --> 00:02:36,554
It looks like you may be cold.
57
00:02:36,606 --> 00:02:37,722
I'm perfect.
58
00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:38,941
Loving the temp.
59
00:02:40,642 --> 00:02:42,003
You look amazing.
You look amazing.
60
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:42,995
Stop it.
Give me a spin.
61
00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,396
I feel amazing.
Give me a spin.
62
00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:46,331
Oof! Oof! Love it.
63
00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:49,668
So, uh, I know that B-Z,
Beyonce and Jay-Z,
64
00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:51,403
ate here recently,
65
00:02:51,454 --> 00:02:53,038
and, um, we would really love
66
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:54,673
to be seated at their table.
67
00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:55,874
Of course you would.
68
00:02:58,094 --> 00:02:59,761
I like him.
Yeah.
69
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,098
So, where did, um, Beyonce sit
70
00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:05,434
and where did Jay sit exactly?
71
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,187
Uh, yes,
Ms. Knowles sat here
72
00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,256
and Mr. Carter
sat here.
73
00:03:11,307 --> 00:03:13,442
Do you freak out when
celebrities come in here?
74
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:15,861
Yes. That's why
I love my job.
75
00:03:15,928 --> 00:03:17,396
Enjoy your meals.
Thank you.
76
00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:22,617
Oh, wait! Are--
Are you Beyonce or Jay-Z?
77
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,102
Part of me feels like
I would be Jay-Z,
78
00:03:24,153 --> 00:03:26,771
but then I know that you would
maybe want to be a dude.
79
00:03:26,823 --> 00:03:28,073
You're right.
80
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,575
And Beyonce and I do
have similar curves.
81
00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:31,943
Oh, yes.
You're B, I'm Jay.
82
00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:32,831
I'm Jay.
83
00:03:34,328 --> 00:03:36,281
Hello.
My name is John.
84
00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:37,165
I'll be your server tonight.
85
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:38,467
Hi, John.
Hi, John.
86
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,385
I understand you lovely
ladies will be having
87
00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,681
the seafood prix
fixe dinner this evening.
88
00:03:42,726 --> 00:03:44,622
Excellent. Before we
get started,
89
00:03:44,674 --> 00:03:46,725
are there any food allergies
you'd like me to know about?
90
00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:49,261
Yeah, peanut allergies
are a really big deal.
91
00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,645
You gotta be careful,
they can be so fatal.
92
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,631
Gluten, which I think
is like an adult human thing
93
00:03:53,683 --> 00:03:55,233
across the board--
No.
94
00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:57,319
I actually meant if you
have any food allergies
95
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:58,524
you'd like me to know about.
96
00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:04,609
No, none that I, uh,
want to share with you.
97
00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:07,112
Well, allow me to tell you
about our first course.
98
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,031
It is a local pureed chard
99
00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:10,815
that is topped with poached crab
100
00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:13,368
and then splashed with
a really yummy ramp dressing.
101
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:14,819
I love yummy ramps.
102
00:04:14,871 --> 00:04:16,671
Oh, I love, um, chards.
103
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:17,916
We like to say here that ramp
104
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,577
is the truffle of onions.
105
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:22,094
It's a dumb little joke.
106
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,296
We like to say that, too.
107
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,514
That's funny.
108
00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,099
Now have you guys
been to Octavia before?
109
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,134
No, we are poppin' our cherry.
110
00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:30,352
Wow.
111
00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,876
Well, you just let me
do the driving.
112
00:04:31,888 --> 00:04:33,023
I'm gonna take excellent care
113
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:33,940
of you guys tonight.
114
00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:35,275
Okay.
Once again...
115
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,527
je m'appelle John,
and bonne anniversaire.
116
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:39,613
Oh, thank you.
117
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:41,730
Wow.
118
00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:43,865
He's tall and he's bilingual?
119
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,867
I'm short and I can't
speak English good.
120
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,319
He probably has a French press
121
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,204
and one of those things
that in the bathroom
122
00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:50,448
you clean your butthole with.
123
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,124
Oh, a bidet.
A bidet.
124
00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:53,575
He's so classy.
125
00:04:53,659 --> 00:04:54,826
Totally.
126
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,461
You're bad-mouthing me
to Anton now?
127
00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:58,029
You cannot find one minute
128
00:04:58,081 --> 00:04:59,631
to go pick my sister up
at the airport?
129
00:04:59,698 --> 00:05:00,966
Tell her fat
ass to flag down a cab
130
00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:01,739
like a person.
131
00:05:01,739 --> 00:05:03,335
My sister is
an ex-junkie, John, okay?
132
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,242
She needs someone to
pick her up,
133
00:05:04,242 --> 00:05:07,005
she can't be unsupervised.
Jesus Christ, she's a grown woman.
134
00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:08,308
She can't be babysat
her whole life, Cheryl.
135
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,851
Well, thank you so much
for the support.
136
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,593
Support? Tell her to give
back the laptop she stole.
137
00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:12,877
She never stole that!
138
00:05:12,929 --> 00:05:14,045
You have no proof that she--
Are you kidding me?
139
00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:15,564
You need to wake up.
What? You're crazy.
140
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,215
I don't know that she gave
us bedbugs for sure,
141
00:05:17,266 --> 00:05:18,235
but I'm pretty damn positive.
142
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,768
This is why I wanted
you to go to Al Anon.
143
00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:22,654
Salmon, we got onion rings,
we got a gumbo.
144
00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,322
How's the steak doing?
145
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,618
Every once in a while,
I like a finger.
146
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,094
Amen.
147
00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:30,205
Nose, vagina, butthole.
148
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:33,064
If God didn't want us to
put our fingers in there,
149
00:05:33,116 --> 00:05:35,784
then why did She make them
perfectly finger-sized?
150
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,285
Exactly, that's
what they're for.
151
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:38,630
And here's your
amuse-bouche.
152
00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:41,049
Enjoy, ladies.
153
00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:44,426
Your 26th year is
starting off so badass
154
00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,577
it is blowing my mind.
155
00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:46,711
It is, right?
156
00:05:46,762 --> 00:05:50,098
I had slightly
above-average sex last night,
157
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,268
which for me, you know,
is incredible sex.
158
00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:54,553
For most.
159
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,484
You know what?
To Doug.
160
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:56,584
For turning you out.
161
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,776
I planned it so that
we were doing it
162
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:05,864
at the stroke of midnight,
as I turned 26.
163
00:06:05,931 --> 00:06:07,199
You have given yourself a truly
164
00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:09,117
spiritual sexual experience.
165
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:12,205
You know, I just feel,
like, really good inside.
166
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:13,771
You know what?
I gotta pee.
167
00:06:13,823 --> 00:06:14,833
I'll be right back.
168
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,294
And how is everything so far?
169
00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:20,629
So delicious.
170
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,998
I just want to thank you
for your service
171
00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:25,800
and your joie de, uh...
172
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:26,801
jooge.
173
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,170
Oh, well, it's my pleasure.
174
00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:29,638
Ours, too, as well.
175
00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:34,309
Mmm. So soft.
176
00:06:49,692 --> 00:06:52,996
I just peed out a condom.
177
00:06:56,699 --> 00:06:59,000
Clams Persimmico
in a gold leaf glaze.
178
00:06:59,068 --> 00:07:00,235
Bon appetit.
179
00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:02,871
Thank you so much.
This looks incredible.
180
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,043
May I grab you another fork?
181
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,790
This is perfect, thank you.
182
00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:08,944
Well, hello,
my fancy girl--
183
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,139
No, don't, I'm not fancy,
I'm disgusting.
184
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,515
I went to the bathroom,
and then--
185
00:07:13,582 --> 00:07:15,310
and then I was
going to the bathroom,
186
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,812
and then a condom
fell out of me.
187
00:07:20,756 --> 00:07:22,090
Did you pee it or poop it?
188
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,485
I peed it.
189
00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,059
Why'd you immediately go there?
190
00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:26,111
I didn't poop it, dude.
191
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,279
Hey, it's 2014.
192
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:28,947
Anal's on the menu.
193
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,699
I can't even believe that,
like, I didn't notice it.
194
00:07:30,766 --> 00:07:32,617
I was, like, very present,
you know?
195
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,142
I don't know how
he didn't notice it.
196
00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,320
It happens to everybody.
197
00:07:35,404 --> 00:07:37,207
Has it happened to you?
No.
198
00:07:38,331 --> 00:07:40,575
Everything I've done
has happened to you.
199
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,077
Not yet is what I meant to say.
200
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,005
So what? You're a nasty
bitch, who cares?
201
00:07:44,613 --> 00:07:46,381
All right.
Let's go get high,
202
00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:48,488
and then we can enjoy this
clams Filipino even more.
203
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,720
Okay.
That's a good idea.
204
00:07:52,788 --> 00:07:54,339
Hi, would you mind making sure
205
00:07:54,423 --> 00:07:56,391
they don't take those clams?
206
00:07:56,458 --> 00:07:57,559
Thank you.
207
00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,597
You know, I know you're
in your head, but...
208
00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,816
this birthday
is a maje improvement
209
00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,351
from last year's.
210
00:08:06,435 --> 00:08:07,769
Yeah, well,
I shouldn't have tried
211
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,437
to throw myself
a surprise party.
212
00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:11,049
You should have tried.
It was a mistake.
213
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:13,658
Hi.
214
00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:16,161
Want a hit?
215
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:20,815
Thanks for the food.
216
00:08:20,866 --> 00:08:22,627
It's amazingly delicious.
217
00:08:23,652 --> 00:08:24,652
I don't prepare the food.
218
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:26,037
I just, uh, clear the plates.
219
00:08:26,122 --> 00:08:27,872
Yeah, but... you know.
220
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,529
You know what I've been
thinking about?
221
00:08:32,128 --> 00:08:33,461
Every animal,
222
00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,473
from every movie
we've loved as a kid,
223
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,100
probably dead.
224
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,384
Think about it. Air Bud - dead.
225
00:08:39,468 --> 00:08:42,020
All 101 Dalmatians
are probably dead.
226
00:08:42,973 --> 00:08:44,856
I guess Babe
from "Babe" is dead.
227
00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:47,152
Ooh, we could have
eaten Babe tonight.
228
00:08:47,676 --> 00:08:48,810
Well, maybe not.
229
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,278
Pigs live longer than dogs.
230
00:08:50,346 --> 00:08:52,347
I think they might live
longer than humans?
231
00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:53,815
I think that's turtles.
232
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,327
Tramp, from
"Lady and the Tramp."
233
00:08:59,764 --> 00:09:00,874
Tramp's a cartoon.
234
00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:04,626
I know that.
235
00:09:04,693 --> 00:09:06,294
She was for real.
I know that it was a cartoon.
236
00:09:06,362 --> 00:09:08,463
Uh, I gotta go, but thanks.
237
00:09:08,530 --> 00:09:09,697
No worries.
238
00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:11,199
Hey, and I know you
didn't make the food,
239
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,303
but... you will one day.
240
00:09:14,057 --> 00:09:15,580
Uh... thanks.
241
00:09:17,539 --> 00:09:19,674
You know, that Tramp was
my first sexual crush.
242
00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,687
He was hot. He was like
a spunky bad boy.
243
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,815
You know who
was mine? Stimpy.
244
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,683
Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy"?
245
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,935
Yeah, I feel like he has
a similar build to Lincoln.
246
00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:31,821
Huh.
247
00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:02,600
They left your clams.
248
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:05,970
The world is good, dude.
249
00:10:06,055 --> 00:10:08,356
Ilana, hold on, are you okay?
250
00:10:08,424 --> 00:10:10,308
Your face is like really red
251
00:10:10,393 --> 00:10:12,861
and your eye is blowing up.
252
00:10:12,928 --> 00:10:14,779
Full disclosure:
253
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,732
I'm a little allergic
to shellfish.
254
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,701
That's all we've been
eating tonight.
255
00:10:19,768 --> 00:10:21,269
I really know my body, dude.
256
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,621
I go up to the edge
and then I scale it back.
257
00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,573
I'm good at it, honestly.
258
00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:27,659
It looks worse
than it is, I feel great.
259
00:10:27,743 --> 00:10:29,661
How do I not know that
you're allergic to shellfish?
260
00:10:29,745 --> 00:10:31,112
You don't know
everything about me.
261
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,213
I feel like I do.
262
00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:33,774
You text me every time
you take a dump.
263
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,279
I know about the pimple
on your nipple
264
00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,085
and I'm, like, the holder
of your Social Security card.
265
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,586
I have mystery, too.
266
00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,121
I haven't even told you yet
267
00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,956
that I want to put my fist
268
00:10:42,007 --> 00:10:43,842
in our waiter's mouth sexually.
269
00:10:43,926 --> 00:10:46,794
I feel like he only has sex
on top of baby grands.
270
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:47,679
Oh, my God.
271
00:10:47,763 --> 00:10:49,347
He's so classy.
272
00:10:49,432 --> 00:10:51,065
You know what? Maybe I should
find a girlfriend
273
00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,434
who will actually
come see my band play.
274
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,853
John, I told you when we
met that I hate music.
275
00:10:54,937 --> 00:10:56,738
What kind of weirdo
hates music, Cheryl?
276
00:10:56,805 --> 00:10:57,972
Mario, we see you in the corner.
277
00:10:58,023 --> 00:10:59,407
Everybody can tell
that you're stoned.
278
00:10:59,475 --> 00:11:00,204
Don't listen to her, Mario.
279
00:11:00,204 --> 00:11:01,794
Smoke all the weed you want, bro.
How dare you!
280
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,445
Don't forget whose name
is on the lease.
281
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,446
"How dare you?"
282
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:05,613
You know what? I'll cancel
the cable,
283
00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:06,748
then have fun figuring out
284
00:11:06,815 --> 00:11:08,626
what happens on "Homeland,"
you gross baby.
285
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,586
I need a 42.
286
00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:12,620
I need an onion ring,
287
00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:14,597
I need a tagliatelle
with light sauce.
288
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,261
All right.
289
00:11:19,044 --> 00:11:20,661
Here is the shellfish medley.
290
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,433
I'm really excited
for you guys to try this.
291
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,435
We have crab three ways
and lobster nine ways.
292
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,270
Get in my belly!
293
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:28,853
You guys are a kick.
294
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:29,971
Oh, man.
295
00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:32,690
Anyway, like I was saying,
296
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,192
I know I can't really sing.
297
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:37,729
Mmm, but I feel like if I
had, like, private lessons
298
00:11:37,813 --> 00:11:39,414
and learned how to, like,
really breathe,
299
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,115
then I could, like,
I could sing really well.
300
00:11:41,183 --> 00:11:42,118
Mm-hmm.
301
00:11:43,018 --> 00:11:44,702
But don't repeat that
to anybody.
302
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:45,538
I won't.
303
00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:49,491
Oh, my gosh.
Ilana, Doug's calling.
304
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,959
Pick it up.
Tell him...
305
00:11:51,026 --> 00:11:53,745
not to leave his trash
inside your body.
306
00:11:53,829 --> 00:11:55,387
I'm gonna.
I'll be right back.
307
00:11:56,131 --> 00:11:57,267
You get it, girl.
308
00:12:05,751 --> 00:12:07,151
I had a really
good time last night.
309
00:12:07,176 --> 00:12:08,376
Yeah, so did I,
310
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:11,012
until I came
to this really fancy restaurant
311
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:14,651
for my birthday and I peed
out a condom.
312
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,818
Ohh! What?
313
00:12:16,885 --> 00:12:18,319
Yeah, I know.
314
00:12:18,387 --> 00:12:20,615
Did you not notice that
you were missing a condom?
315
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:23,074
We didn't use
a condom last night,
316
00:12:23,158 --> 00:12:24,559
so, no, I wasn't keeping track.
317
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:25,827
What?!
Oh, sorry.
318
00:12:25,894 --> 00:12:27,612
We didn't
use a condom--
319
00:12:27,625 --> 00:12:28,125
I heard you.
320
00:12:28,125 --> 00:12:29,749
What do you mean
we didn't use a condom?
321
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,283
I took it off.
I thought you saw.
322
00:12:32,368 --> 00:12:33,451
No, I didn't see that.
323
00:12:33,536 --> 00:12:34,754
Because, like a lady,
324
00:12:35,237 --> 00:12:37,090
I keep my eyes closed
when I make love.
325
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:38,716
You're a condom girl.
326
00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:40,842
I will make a note
of that for next time.
327
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,260
There's not gonna be
a next time.
328
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,209
Are you sure, Abbi?
329
00:12:45,214 --> 00:12:46,224
No, I'm not sure,
330
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,351
'cause I'm not sure
about anything.
331
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,229
Something just
fell out of my body,
332
00:12:51,891 --> 00:12:54,188
so I gotta go deal with that,
333
00:12:54,256 --> 00:12:56,391
and you need to deal
with me dealing with that.
334
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,444
Well, you do what
you got to do, girl.
335
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:01,405
All right, well, maybe
I'll talk to you soon.
336
00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:02,156
You will.
337
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,485
Okay.
338
00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:09,037
Seafood turducken.
339
00:13:09,104 --> 00:13:10,872
We have a small Maine clam
340
00:13:10,939 --> 00:13:12,940
inside the mouth of a lobster
341
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:14,669
inside a larger Maine clam.
342
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:15,628
Yum.
343
00:13:16,612 --> 00:13:17,797
Seafood paradise.
344
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:19,940
All righty.
You know, I'm gonna
345
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,500
suck on those legs
a little longer, so...
346
00:13:22,585 --> 00:13:23,469
Thanks so much.
347
00:13:24,987 --> 00:13:27,422
Oh, my God, Ilana,
your face looks insane.
348
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,059
Hey, this is what living on
the edge looks like.
349
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,894
It's not that bad.
I could still wink, see?
350
00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:38,609
Yeah, this is pretty bad.
351
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:40,868
But honestly, I know my limit.
352
00:13:40,936 --> 00:13:42,576
I'm just pacing myself
for that lava cake.
353
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:46,207
Okay, you've absolutely
reached the limit.
354
00:13:46,274 --> 00:13:48,194
Your face looks like
the underbelly of a tugboat.
355
00:13:49,111 --> 00:13:50,128
Listen, we are here
356
00:13:50,212 --> 00:13:52,457
celebrating your birthday, okay?
357
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,541
Yeah, and for my birthday
358
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,883
I would love
for you to stay alive.
359
00:13:55,951 --> 00:13:58,002
Abbi, I am a veteran
of this game.
360
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,671
I got three to
three and a half servings
361
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,716
of shellfish left in me.
I feel it.
362
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,058
And then my throat's
gonna start to close up
363
00:14:04,126 --> 00:14:05,310
and you'll just stab me
with an epi pen.
364
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,187
It's not a big deal.
365
00:14:06,187 --> 00:14:07,562
Where am I getting an epi pen?
366
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:08,639
From my clutch.
Durr!
367
00:14:10,065 --> 00:14:12,560
So you planned on having me
stab you with an epi pen?
368
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:14,688
You know, stop trying
to change the subject.
369
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,355
What did Doug say to you
on the phone?
370
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,607
Okay, so, it turns out that, um,
371
00:14:19,658 --> 00:14:22,026
he wasn't wearing
a condom last night.
372
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,111
What?!
373
00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:24,362
It had to have been the condom
374
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:25,990
from the other night
with boring Ben,
375
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,160
which means that...
376
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:34,255
there was a condom
in my person for four days.
377
00:14:34,322 --> 00:14:37,324
Normally, I would be overjoyed
378
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,844
that you had sex
twice in one week.
379
00:14:39,928 --> 00:14:41,629
Okay, I could have sworn
that he was--
380
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,174
You could have sworn what?
381
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,800
Not only are we
talking STDs here,
382
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:48,102
I can't even imagine
how many dudes
383
00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:51,338
would love to lock you down
with an unexpected pregnancy.
384
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,840
I mean,
what do you think--
385
00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:55,693
All right,
the Alaskan king crab stew.
386
00:14:55,778 --> 00:14:57,862
And I do hope
you ladies enjoy it.
387
00:14:57,946 --> 00:14:59,530
Thank you so much, John.
388
00:14:59,615 --> 00:15:00,441
Eww.
389
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:05,653
I mean, your body is a temple.
390
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:07,405
You've got to respect it.
391
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:08,956
Ilana, stop, that's enough.
392
00:15:09,024 --> 00:15:10,658
No, enough.
Hey, two more bites. It is so expensive.
393
00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,243
Ilana, stop eating--
okay.
394
00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:13,494
We're not doing this anymore.
395
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:14,662
No, one more, one more.
396
00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:16,047
Come on, take this pen.
Hey!
397
00:15:16,131 --> 00:15:17,364
No, no!
Ilana, take the pen.
398
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,916
Aah! God!
399
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,128
I stabbed myself.
400
00:15:20,636 --> 00:15:23,054
I just stabbed myself!
401
00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:24,090
Whoo!
402
00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:28,553
Adrenaline!
403
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:32,346
I... could actually
take that pen.
404
00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:34,098
I feel so alive right now!
405
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,316
What's going on?
406
00:15:35,383 --> 00:15:36,651
Ilana, I got you, girl.
407
00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:38,479
It's my birthday,
I'm the king of the world!
408
00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,022
Wait, wait.
409
00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,441
We'll take those two
molten lava cakes to go.
410
00:15:44,226 --> 00:15:46,360
26, 26!
411
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,030
Yes, thank you,
I need an ambulance
412
00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,331
to Octavia restaurant, please.
413
00:15:50,398 --> 00:15:51,565
Why don't you have the ambulance
414
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:52,938
drop you off
at a mental hospital?
415
00:15:53,001 --> 00:15:54,235
Because you're a crazy person.
416
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,446
I hope you die in your sleep.
417
00:15:55,504 --> 00:15:57,205
I am gonna die because
you're killing me slowly.
418
00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:59,123
Yes, it's an allergic
reaction to seafood.
419
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,426
Speak clearly.
Someone is dying.
420
00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:03,171
Mm-hmm.
Unbelievable.
421
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:04,962
I'm king of the world!
422
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:10,017
Abbi, you are the love
of my... life.
423
00:16:27,402 --> 00:16:28,152
Sorry.
424
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:48,799
Yes.
425
00:16:54,429 --> 00:16:55,646
Ohh!
426
00:16:55,731 --> 00:16:57,014
We got this.
427
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,232
Okay.
428
00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:02,854
You know what I was
thinking about?
429
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,774
I have no clue.
430
00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:07,526
After tonight, I realized
431
00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:10,111
we gotta get back into
our bucket list, dude.
432
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:11,412
Yes.
We let it go for too long.
433
00:17:11,479 --> 00:17:12,879
I don't want to wait
till we're dead
434
00:17:12,915 --> 00:17:13,865
to actually get to it.
435
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,317
I have them, I'll pull them up.
436
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,368
There's a lot on here.
437
00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:18,703
I think we need
to make some edits.
438
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,121
Why?
What's on there?
439
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,583
Okay, mine - own an elliptical.
440
00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:25,259
Go to a pug farm.
441
00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:28,129
I just want to, like, lay
with, like, a lot of pugs.
442
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,547
You know?
443
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,849
Do heroin under
the aurora borealis.
444
00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:34,268
Okay, so none of those can go.
445
00:17:34,336 --> 00:17:35,302
Good luck editing.
446
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,055
What are some of mine?
Okay.
447
00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:39,476
Make your own Passover Seder.
448
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,728
To be able to squirt.
449
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:44,779
Hello.
Okay.
450
00:17:45,705 --> 00:17:46,814
To be held in Abbi's arms.
451
00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:48,900
You did that tonight.
Ohh.
452
00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:50,444
You carried me.
453
00:17:51,486 --> 00:17:53,871
Yeah.
Guess I'm pretty strong.
454
00:17:53,956 --> 00:17:54,491
Who knew?
455
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:55,471
Mr. Rosenberg?
456
00:17:55,953 --> 00:17:58,125
Mr. Rosenberg.
He's not breathing.
457
00:17:58,193 --> 00:17:59,243
Blue team to the ER.
458
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,664
Draw four units
of ACE inhibitors.
459
00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:05,466
Blood pressure dropping.
460
00:18:05,533 --> 00:18:06,968
60 over 30.
461
00:18:07,035 --> 00:18:08,315
One milligram of epinephrine in.
462
00:18:09,704 --> 00:18:10,631
Get the pads.
463
00:18:11,139 --> 00:18:13,217
Paddles charging, clear.
464
00:18:14,174 --> 00:18:15,309
Patient not responsive.
465
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:17,262
Clear!
466
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,686
Time of death, 2:47 AM.
467
00:18:36,331 --> 00:18:37,832
You know what another
one of mine is?
468
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,667
To be an Asian girl.
469
00:18:41,169 --> 00:18:42,870
To be one?
470
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,256
I mean, if technology
ever allows for it,
471
00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,960
I'd actually love
a crack at every race.
472
00:18:48,677 --> 00:18:49,587
Huh.
473
00:18:50,578 --> 00:18:52,173
All right,
I'll add it to the list.
474
00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:54,591
I'm just gonna say it.
475
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,469
First night
of my 26th year--
476
00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:59,180
pee out a condom,
go to the hospital.
477
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:01,205
I think that that means that this
year is just gonna be really--
478
00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:02,266
Fun and cool and fresh?
479
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,060
Well, I was gonna say
awesome, but yeah.
480
00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:06,145
Okay, it will be, except
481
00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:10,858
I will be imposing
the strictest condom policies.
482
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,218
From now on, you will be
sending me a picture
483
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:17,531
of every dick that
you are about to... host
484
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:20,201
wearing a condom.
485
00:19:20,676 --> 00:19:22,036
Deal?
No deal.
486
00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:23,761
Oh, my God.
487
00:19:23,812 --> 00:19:26,314
Do you know who's at the top
of my mom's gross sex list?
488
00:19:26,398 --> 00:19:28,042
Howie Mandel.
489
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,401
Wait, your mom has
a gross sex list?
490
00:19:30,468 --> 00:19:31,652
Yeah, my whole family does.
491
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:33,738
We play this game,
it is hysterical.
492
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,022
Who is the grossest person
493
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,741
you still kind of want
to have sex with?
494
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:38,192
Oh, okay, well,
mine would--
495
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,244
Mine would obviously--
It just, um, it can't be a cartoon.
496
00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:41,263
Okay. Well...
497
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:44,141
Okay...
498
00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,561
Mmm... O.J.
499
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:49,939
Yeah, yeah.
500
00:19:50,886 --> 00:19:51,922
Definitely O.J.
501
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,157
Oh, my God!
502
00:19:53,208 --> 00:19:56,210
Dude, in his day,
he was a solid man.
503
00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:57,628
Like, he was a 10.
Oh, he was gorgeous.
504
00:19:57,679 --> 00:19:59,013
He was a 10.
No, no, no.
505
00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,777
He was on the cover
of magazines and stuff.
506
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:03,434
I'm just, like, floored by
what a good answer that is
507
00:20:03,501 --> 00:20:05,169
and you've never
played this before.
508
00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:07,388
I have never even
thought of a murderer.
509
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:08,973
Okay, how about you?
510
00:20:09,024 --> 00:20:13,611
Okay, my last one
was, uh, David Blaine.
511
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,730
David Blaine?!
512
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,514
That's so gross, but I feel like
513
00:20:17,566 --> 00:20:19,700
he cuts off
his breathing so much
514
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,319
he's gotta be uninhibited.
515
00:20:21,370 --> 00:20:22,820
He would let me do anything.
516
00:20:22,871 --> 00:20:24,521
Yeah, he would, like,
pull out a tooth or something.
517
00:20:24,573 --> 00:20:26,093
Anything you want
to do to David Blaine
518
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:26,601
he'll let you do.
519
00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:28,359
I'd, like, penetrate him.
520
00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:32,663
But my newest one is,
um, the Six Flags guy.
521
00:20:33,915 --> 00:20:35,532
He's like--
Right off the bus?
522
00:20:35,584 --> 00:20:37,027
Yeah, he's like...
523
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:38,863
No way, he's like...
524
00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:43,174
Oh, my God, I can't believe
you can do that in heels.
525
00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:44,642
But, like, a lot faster.
526
00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,311
He does that with his arms.
527
00:20:48,897 --> 00:20:50,166
He's, like, so rubbery.
528
00:20:51,549 --> 00:20:52,650
Hold up, though, dude.
529
00:20:52,717 --> 00:20:54,545
We've got
to go back to O.J.
530
00:20:54,595 --> 00:20:59,145
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