All language subtitles for Broad City s01e10 The Last Supper.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:03,879 All right, he's a 6. 2 00:00:04,837 --> 00:00:07,090 Oh, totally a 6. Yum! 3 00:00:07,690 --> 00:00:08,598 Oh, he's a 7. 4 00:00:08,629 --> 00:00:10,928 No way! 5 1/2, tops. 5 00:00:10,955 --> 00:00:13,680 Ouch! Okay, that's harsh, right? 6 00:00:13,746 --> 00:00:15,389 No, that's what I like about it. 7 00:00:15,882 --> 00:00:16,756 Okay. 8 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,052 He's a 10. I mean, look at him. 9 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:22,354 Eww, dude, a 10?! 10 00:00:22,421 --> 00:00:24,089 Like, get away! 11 00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:26,108 I can't believe you're into that. 12 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,227 I hope he's, like, seven inches max. 13 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,229 Inches? I thought we were rating them on hotness. 14 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,530 I thought we were rating them on dick size. 15 00:00:31,597 --> 00:00:33,599 Why would we be rating them on dick size? 16 00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:36,034 Abbi, why wouldn't we be rating them on dick size? 17 00:00:36,102 --> 00:00:38,403 It's all I can see. 18 00:00:38,454 --> 00:00:40,239 Those b-ball shorts are God's gift. 19 00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:45,828 If you train your eyes, you can see their religion. 20 00:00:55,054 --> 00:00:56,588 Break the cork and bring the funk 21 00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,309 Come on, boy, break the cork and bring the funk 22 00:01:02,461 --> 00:01:03,562 Hey, ladies, 23 00:01:03,629 --> 00:01:06,398 your staring is making some of the guys feel uncomfortable. 24 00:01:12,355 --> 00:01:13,084 Seven. 25 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,358 Four and three and two and one 26 00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:24,584 Ohh. 27 00:01:25,484 --> 00:01:27,202 Damn-a! 28 00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:29,705 I've never been to a restaurant this nice. 29 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:34,052 I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice. 30 00:01:35,545 --> 00:01:38,430 I read their molten lava cake is "life-changing." 31 00:01:38,497 --> 00:01:40,098 Perfect for your birthday. 32 00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:41,934 Oprah says that your birthday dictates 33 00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:43,685 the kind of year you're about to have. 34 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,805 I haven't eaten a thing in the past 36 hours 35 00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:49,691 in order to be able to, like, really stuff myself 36 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:52,110 with as much expensive food as possible. 37 00:01:52,178 --> 00:01:54,529 It's gonna raise my market value, like, so much. 38 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:57,232 I'm gonna have a high high-end year. 39 00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,484 I've been overeating this week 40 00:01:59,535 --> 00:02:01,370 and then emptying myself with laxatives. 41 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,955 It's been working really well. 42 00:02:03,022 --> 00:02:03,989 Too well. 43 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,374 My underwear is filled-- 44 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:07,025 Good evening, mademoiselles. 45 00:02:07,076 --> 00:02:09,461 Hi. Enchante, uh, monsieur. 46 00:02:09,528 --> 00:02:12,381 My dad-- my father figure 47 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,677 has made a reservation under Abbi Abrams for two. 48 00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:18,670 I believe his payment card should be on file. 49 00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:20,682 We are on celebration... 50 00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:23,141 for my birthday. 51 00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:24,189 Oh, how wonderful. 52 00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:26,561 May I take your coats? 53 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,348 Please... do. 54 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,716 Here you go. 55 00:02:31,768 --> 00:02:34,603 Would you care to keep your jacket, Madame? 56 00:02:34,687 --> 00:02:36,554 It looks like you may be cold. 57 00:02:36,606 --> 00:02:37,722 I'm perfect. 58 00:02:37,774 --> 00:02:38,941 Loving the temp. 59 00:02:40,642 --> 00:02:42,003 You look amazing. You look amazing. 60 00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:42,995 Stop it. Give me a spin. 61 00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,396 I feel amazing. Give me a spin. 62 00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:46,331 Oof! Oof! Love it. 63 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:49,668 So, uh, I know that B-Z, Beyonce and Jay-Z, 64 00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:51,403 ate here recently, 65 00:02:51,454 --> 00:02:53,038 and, um, we would really love 66 00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:54,673 to be seated at their table. 67 00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:55,874 Of course you would. 68 00:02:58,094 --> 00:02:59,761 I like him. Yeah. 69 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:03,098 So, where did, um, Beyonce sit 70 00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:05,434 and where did Jay sit exactly? 71 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,187 Uh, yes, Ms. Knowles sat here 72 00:03:09,255 --> 00:03:11,256 and Mr. Carter sat here. 73 00:03:11,307 --> 00:03:13,442 Do you freak out when celebrities come in here? 74 00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:15,861 Yes. That's why I love my job. 75 00:03:15,928 --> 00:03:17,396 Enjoy your meals. Thank you. 76 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:22,617 Oh, wait! Are-- Are you Beyonce or Jay-Z? 77 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,102 Part of me feels like I would be Jay-Z, 78 00:03:24,153 --> 00:03:26,771 but then I know that you would maybe want to be a dude. 79 00:03:26,823 --> 00:03:28,073 You're right. 80 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,575 And Beyonce and I do have similar curves. 81 00:03:30,626 --> 00:03:31,943 Oh, yes. You're B, I'm Jay. 82 00:03:31,995 --> 00:03:32,831 I'm Jay. 83 00:03:34,328 --> 00:03:36,281 Hello. My name is John. 84 00:03:36,332 --> 00:03:37,165 I'll be your server tonight. 85 00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:38,467 Hi, John. Hi, John. 86 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,385 I understand you lovely ladies will be having 87 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,681 the seafood prix fixe dinner this evening. 88 00:03:42,726 --> 00:03:44,622 Excellent. Before we get started, 89 00:03:44,674 --> 00:03:46,725 are there any food allergies you'd like me to know about? 90 00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:49,261 Yeah, peanut allergies are a really big deal. 91 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,645 You gotta be careful, they can be so fatal. 92 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,631 Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing 93 00:03:53,683 --> 00:03:55,233 across the board-- No. 94 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:57,319 I actually meant if you have any food allergies 95 00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:58,524 you'd like me to know about. 96 00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:04,609 No, none that I, uh, want to share with you. 97 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:07,112 Well, allow me to tell you about our first course. 98 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,031 It is a local pureed chard 99 00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:10,815 that is topped with poached crab 100 00:04:10,867 --> 00:04:13,368 and then splashed with a really yummy ramp dressing. 101 00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:14,819 I love yummy ramps. 102 00:04:14,871 --> 00:04:16,671 Oh, I love, um, chards. 103 00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:17,916 We like to say here that ramp 104 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,577 is the truffle of onions. 105 00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:22,094 It's a dumb little joke. 106 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:24,296 We like to say that, too. 107 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,514 That's funny. 108 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:27,099 Now have you guys been to Octavia before? 109 00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,134 No, we are poppin' our cherry. 110 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:30,352 Wow. 111 00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,876 Well, you just let me do the driving. 112 00:04:31,888 --> 00:04:33,023 I'm gonna take excellent care 113 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:33,940 of you guys tonight. 114 00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:35,275 Okay. Once again... 115 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,527 je m'appelle John, and bonne anniversaire. 116 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:39,613 Oh, thank you. 117 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:41,730 Wow. 118 00:04:41,814 --> 00:04:43,865 He's tall and he's bilingual? 119 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,867 I'm short and I can't speak English good. 120 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,319 He probably has a French press 121 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,204 and one of those things that in the bathroom 122 00:04:49,288 --> 00:04:50,448 you clean your butthole with. 123 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:52,124 Oh, a bidet. A bidet. 124 00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:53,575 He's so classy. 125 00:04:53,659 --> 00:04:54,826 Totally. 126 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,461 You're bad-mouthing me to Anton now? 127 00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:58,029 You cannot find one minute 128 00:04:58,081 --> 00:04:59,631 to go pick my sister up at the airport? 129 00:04:59,698 --> 00:05:00,966 Tell her fat ass to flag down a cab 130 00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:01,739 like a person. 131 00:05:01,739 --> 00:05:03,335 My sister is an ex-junkie, John, okay? 132 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,242 She needs someone to pick her up, 133 00:05:04,242 --> 00:05:07,005 she can't be unsupervised. Jesus Christ, she's a grown woman. 134 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:08,308 She can't be babysat her whole life, Cheryl. 135 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:09,851 Well, thank you so much for the support. 136 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,593 Support? Tell her to give back the laptop she stole. 137 00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:12,877 She never stole that! 138 00:05:12,929 --> 00:05:14,045 You have no proof that she-- Are you kidding me? 139 00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:15,564 You need to wake up. What? You're crazy. 140 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,215 I don't know that she gave us bedbugs for sure, 141 00:05:17,266 --> 00:05:18,235 but I'm pretty damn positive. 142 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,768 This is why I wanted you to go to Al Anon. 143 00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:22,654 Salmon, we got onion rings, we got a gumbo. 144 00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,322 How's the steak doing? 145 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,618 Every once in a while, I like a finger. 146 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,094 Amen. 147 00:05:28,494 --> 00:05:30,205 Nose, vagina, butthole. 148 00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:33,064 If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there, 149 00:05:33,116 --> 00:05:35,784 then why did She make them perfectly finger-sized? 150 00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,285 Exactly, that's what they're for. 151 00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:38,630 And here's your amuse-bouche. 152 00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:41,049 Enjoy, ladies. 153 00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:44,426 Your 26th year is starting off so badass 154 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,577 it is blowing my mind. 155 00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:46,711 It is, right? 156 00:05:46,762 --> 00:05:50,098 I had slightly above-average sex last night, 157 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,268 which for me, you know, is incredible sex. 158 00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:54,553 For most. 159 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,484 You know what? To Doug. 160 00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:56,584 For turning you out. 161 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,776 I planned it so that we were doing it 162 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:05,864 at the stroke of midnight, as I turned 26. 163 00:06:05,931 --> 00:06:07,199 You have given yourself a truly 164 00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:09,117 spiritual sexual experience. 165 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:12,205 You know, I just feel, like, really good inside. 166 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:13,771 You know what? I gotta pee. 167 00:06:13,823 --> 00:06:14,833 I'll be right back. 168 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,294 And how is everything so far? 169 00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:20,629 So delicious. 170 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,998 I just want to thank you for your service 171 00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:25,800 and your joie de, uh... 172 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:26,801 jooge. 173 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,170 Oh, well, it's my pleasure. 174 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:29,638 Ours, too, as well. 175 00:06:32,124 --> 00:06:34,309 Mmm. So soft. 176 00:06:49,692 --> 00:06:52,996 I just peed out a condom. 177 00:06:56,699 --> 00:06:59,000 Clams Persimmico in a gold leaf glaze. 178 00:06:59,068 --> 00:07:00,235 Bon appetit. 179 00:07:00,286 --> 00:07:02,871 Thank you so much. This looks incredible. 180 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,043 May I grab you another fork? 181 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,790 This is perfect, thank you. 182 00:07:07,383 --> 00:07:08,944 Well, hello, my fancy girl-- 183 00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,139 No, don't, I'm not fancy, I'm disgusting. 184 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,515 I went to the bathroom, and then-- 185 00:07:13,582 --> 00:07:15,310 and then I was going to the bathroom, 186 00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,812 and then a condom fell out of me. 187 00:07:20,756 --> 00:07:22,090 Did you pee it or poop it? 188 00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,485 I peed it. 189 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,059 Why'd you immediately go there? 190 00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:26,111 I didn't poop it, dude. 191 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,279 Hey, it's 2014. 192 00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:28,947 Anal's on the menu. 193 00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,699 I can't even believe that, like, I didn't notice it. 194 00:07:30,766 --> 00:07:32,617 I was, like, very present, you know? 195 00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,142 I don't know how he didn't notice it. 196 00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,320 It happens to everybody. 197 00:07:35,404 --> 00:07:37,207 Has it happened to you? No. 198 00:07:38,331 --> 00:07:40,575 Everything I've done has happened to you. 199 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,077 Not yet is what I meant to say. 200 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,005 So what? You're a nasty bitch, who cares? 201 00:07:44,613 --> 00:07:46,381 All right. Let's go get high, 202 00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:48,488 and then we can enjoy this clams Filipino even more. 203 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,720 Okay. That's a good idea. 204 00:07:52,788 --> 00:07:54,339 Hi, would you mind making sure 205 00:07:54,423 --> 00:07:56,391 they don't take those clams? 206 00:07:56,458 --> 00:07:57,559 Thank you. 207 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,597 You know, I know you're in your head, but... 208 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:04,816 this birthday is a maje improvement 209 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,351 from last year's. 210 00:08:06,435 --> 00:08:07,769 Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried 211 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,437 to throw myself a surprise party. 212 00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:11,049 You should have tried. It was a mistake. 213 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:13,658 Hi. 214 00:08:14,910 --> 00:08:16,161 Want a hit? 215 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:20,815 Thanks for the food. 216 00:08:20,866 --> 00:08:22,627 It's amazingly delicious. 217 00:08:23,652 --> 00:08:24,652 I don't prepare the food. 218 00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:26,037 I just, uh, clear the plates. 219 00:08:26,122 --> 00:08:27,872 Yeah, but... you know. 220 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,529 You know what I've been thinking about? 221 00:08:32,128 --> 00:08:33,461 Every animal, 222 00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,473 from every movie we've loved as a kid, 223 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,100 probably dead. 224 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,384 Think about it. Air Bud - dead. 225 00:08:39,468 --> 00:08:42,020 All 101 Dalmatians are probably dead. 226 00:08:42,973 --> 00:08:44,856 I guess Babe from "Babe" is dead. 227 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:47,152 Ooh, we could have eaten Babe tonight. 228 00:08:47,676 --> 00:08:48,810 Well, maybe not. 229 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,278 Pigs live longer than dogs. 230 00:08:50,346 --> 00:08:52,347 I think they might live longer than humans? 231 00:08:52,398 --> 00:08:53,815 I think that's turtles. 232 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,327 Tramp, from "Lady and the Tramp." 233 00:08:59,764 --> 00:09:00,874 Tramp's a cartoon. 234 00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:04,626 I know that. 235 00:09:04,693 --> 00:09:06,294 She was for real. I know that it was a cartoon. 236 00:09:06,362 --> 00:09:08,463 Uh, I gotta go, but thanks. 237 00:09:08,530 --> 00:09:09,697 No worries. 238 00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:11,199 Hey, and I know you didn't make the food, 239 00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:13,303 but... you will one day. 240 00:09:14,057 --> 00:09:15,580 Uh... thanks. 241 00:09:17,539 --> 00:09:19,674 You know, that Tramp was my first sexual crush. 242 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,687 He was hot. He was like a spunky bad boy. 243 00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,815 You know who was mine? Stimpy. 244 00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:28,683 Stimpy from "Ren and Stimpy"? 245 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,935 Yeah, I feel like he has a similar build to Lincoln. 246 00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:31,821 Huh. 247 00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:02,600 They left your clams. 248 00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:05,970 The world is good, dude. 249 00:10:06,055 --> 00:10:08,356 Ilana, hold on, are you okay? 250 00:10:08,424 --> 00:10:10,308 Your face is like really red 251 00:10:10,393 --> 00:10:12,861 and your eye is blowing up. 252 00:10:12,928 --> 00:10:14,779 Full disclosure: 253 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,732 I'm a little allergic to shellfish. 254 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,701 That's all we've been eating tonight. 255 00:10:19,768 --> 00:10:21,269 I really know my body, dude. 256 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,621 I go up to the edge and then I scale it back. 257 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,573 I'm good at it, honestly. 258 00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:27,659 It looks worse than it is, I feel great. 259 00:10:27,743 --> 00:10:29,661 How do I not know that you're allergic to shellfish? 260 00:10:29,745 --> 00:10:31,112 You don't know everything about me. 261 00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:32,213 I feel like I do. 262 00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:33,774 You text me every time you take a dump. 263 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,279 I know about the pimple on your nipple 264 00:10:35,284 --> 00:10:37,085 and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card. 265 00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,586 I have mystery, too. 266 00:10:38,637 --> 00:10:40,121 I haven't even told you yet 267 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:41,956 that I want to put my fist 268 00:10:42,007 --> 00:10:43,842 in our waiter's mouth sexually. 269 00:10:43,926 --> 00:10:46,794 I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands. 270 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:47,679 Oh, my God. 271 00:10:47,763 --> 00:10:49,347 He's so classy. 272 00:10:49,432 --> 00:10:51,065 You know what? Maybe I should find a girlfriend 273 00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,434 who will actually come see my band play. 274 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,853 John, I told you when we met that I hate music. 275 00:10:54,937 --> 00:10:56,738 What kind of weirdo hates music, Cheryl? 276 00:10:56,805 --> 00:10:57,972 Mario, we see you in the corner. 277 00:10:58,023 --> 00:10:59,407 Everybody can tell that you're stoned. 278 00:10:59,475 --> 00:11:00,204 Don't listen to her, Mario. 279 00:11:00,204 --> 00:11:01,794 Smoke all the weed you want, bro. How dare you! 280 00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,445 Don't forget whose name is on the lease. 281 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,446 "How dare you?" 282 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:05,613 You know what? I'll cancel the cable, 283 00:11:05,664 --> 00:11:06,748 then have fun figuring out 284 00:11:06,815 --> 00:11:08,626 what happens on "Homeland," you gross baby. 285 00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:11,586 I need a 42. 286 00:11:11,653 --> 00:11:12,620 I need an onion ring, 287 00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:14,597 I need a tagliatelle with light sauce. 288 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,261 All right. 289 00:11:19,044 --> 00:11:20,661 Here is the shellfish medley. 290 00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,433 I'm really excited for you guys to try this. 291 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,435 We have crab three ways and lobster nine ways. 292 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,270 Get in my belly! 293 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:28,853 You guys are a kick. 294 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:29,971 Oh, man. 295 00:11:31,340 --> 00:11:32,690 Anyway, like I was saying, 296 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,192 I know I can't really sing. 297 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:37,729 Mmm, but I feel like if I had, like, private lessons 298 00:11:37,813 --> 00:11:39,414 and learned how to, like, really breathe, 299 00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,115 then I could, like, I could sing really well. 300 00:11:41,183 --> 00:11:42,118 Mm-hmm. 301 00:11:43,018 --> 00:11:44,702 But don't repeat that to anybody. 302 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:45,538 I won't. 303 00:11:47,990 --> 00:11:49,491 Oh, my gosh. Ilana, Doug's calling. 304 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,959 Pick it up. Tell him... 305 00:11:51,026 --> 00:11:53,745 not to leave his trash inside your body. 306 00:11:53,829 --> 00:11:55,387 I'm gonna. I'll be right back. 307 00:11:56,131 --> 00:11:57,267 You get it, girl. 308 00:12:05,751 --> 00:12:07,151 I had a really good time last night. 309 00:12:07,176 --> 00:12:08,376 Yeah, so did I, 310 00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:11,012 until I came to this really fancy restaurant 311 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:14,651 for my birthday and I peed out a condom. 312 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,818 Ohh! What? 313 00:12:16,885 --> 00:12:18,319 Yeah, I know. 314 00:12:18,387 --> 00:12:20,615 Did you not notice that you were missing a condom? 315 00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:23,074 We didn't use a condom last night, 316 00:12:23,158 --> 00:12:24,559 so, no, I wasn't keeping track. 317 00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:25,827 What?! Oh, sorry. 318 00:12:25,894 --> 00:12:27,612 We didn't use a condom-- 319 00:12:27,625 --> 00:12:28,125 I heard you. 320 00:12:28,125 --> 00:12:29,749 What do you mean we didn't use a condom? 321 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,283 I took it off. I thought you saw. 322 00:12:32,368 --> 00:12:33,451 No, I didn't see that. 323 00:12:33,536 --> 00:12:34,754 Because, like a lady, 324 00:12:35,237 --> 00:12:37,090 I keep my eyes closed when I make love. 325 00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:38,716 You're a condom girl. 326 00:12:39,241 --> 00:12:40,842 I will make a note of that for next time. 327 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,260 There's not gonna be a next time. 328 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,209 Are you sure, Abbi? 329 00:12:45,214 --> 00:12:46,224 No, I'm not sure, 330 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,351 'cause I'm not sure about anything. 331 00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,229 Something just fell out of my body, 332 00:12:51,891 --> 00:12:54,188 so I gotta go deal with that, 333 00:12:54,256 --> 00:12:56,391 and you need to deal with me dealing with that. 334 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,444 Well, you do what you got to do, girl. 335 00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:01,405 All right, well, maybe I'll talk to you soon. 336 00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:02,156 You will. 337 00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,485 Okay. 338 00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:09,037 Seafood turducken. 339 00:13:09,104 --> 00:13:10,872 We have a small Maine clam 340 00:13:10,939 --> 00:13:12,940 inside the mouth of a lobster 341 00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:14,669 inside a larger Maine clam. 342 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:15,628 Yum. 343 00:13:16,612 --> 00:13:17,797 Seafood paradise. 344 00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:19,940 All righty. You know, I'm gonna 345 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,500 suck on those legs a little longer, so... 346 00:13:22,585 --> 00:13:23,469 Thanks so much. 347 00:13:24,987 --> 00:13:27,422 Oh, my God, Ilana, your face looks insane. 348 00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,059 Hey, this is what living on the edge looks like. 349 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,894 It's not that bad. I could still wink, see? 350 00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:38,609 Yeah, this is pretty bad. 351 00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:40,868 But honestly, I know my limit. 352 00:13:40,936 --> 00:13:42,576 I'm just pacing myself for that lava cake. 353 00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:46,207 Okay, you've absolutely reached the limit. 354 00:13:46,274 --> 00:13:48,194 Your face looks like the underbelly of a tugboat. 355 00:13:49,111 --> 00:13:50,128 Listen, we are here 356 00:13:50,212 --> 00:13:52,457 celebrating your birthday, okay? 357 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,541 Yeah, and for my birthday 358 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,883 I would love for you to stay alive. 359 00:13:55,951 --> 00:13:58,002 Abbi, I am a veteran of this game. 360 00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,671 I got three to three and a half servings 361 00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,716 of shellfish left in me. I feel it. 362 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,058 And then my throat's gonna start to close up 363 00:14:04,126 --> 00:14:05,310 and you'll just stab me with an epi pen. 364 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,187 It's not a big deal. 365 00:14:06,187 --> 00:14:07,562 Where am I getting an epi pen? 366 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:08,639 From my clutch. Durr! 367 00:14:10,065 --> 00:14:12,560 So you planned on having me stab you with an epi pen? 368 00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:14,688 You know, stop trying to change the subject. 369 00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,355 What did Doug say to you on the phone? 370 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,607 Okay, so, it turns out that, um, 371 00:14:19,658 --> 00:14:22,026 he wasn't wearing a condom last night. 372 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,111 What?! 373 00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:24,362 It had to have been the condom 374 00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:25,990 from the other night with boring Ben, 375 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,160 which means that... 376 00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:34,255 there was a condom in my person for four days. 377 00:14:34,322 --> 00:14:37,324 Normally, I would be overjoyed 378 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:39,844 that you had sex twice in one week. 379 00:14:39,928 --> 00:14:41,629 Okay, I could have sworn that he was-- 380 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,174 You could have sworn what? 381 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:45,800 Not only are we talking STDs here, 382 00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:48,102 I can't even imagine how many dudes 383 00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:51,338 would love to lock you down with an unexpected pregnancy. 384 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,840 I mean, what do you think-- 385 00:14:52,891 --> 00:14:55,693 All right, the Alaskan king crab stew. 386 00:14:55,778 --> 00:14:57,862 And I do hope you ladies enjoy it. 387 00:14:57,946 --> 00:14:59,530 Thank you so much, John. 388 00:14:59,615 --> 00:15:00,441 Eww. 389 00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:05,653 I mean, your body is a temple. 390 00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:07,405 You've got to respect it. 391 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:08,956 Ilana, stop, that's enough. 392 00:15:09,024 --> 00:15:10,658 No, enough. Hey, two more bites. It is so expensive. 393 00:15:10,709 --> 00:15:12,243 Ilana, stop eating-- okay. 394 00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:13,494 We're not doing this anymore. 395 00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:14,662 No, one more, one more. 396 00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:16,047 Come on, take this pen. Hey! 397 00:15:16,131 --> 00:15:17,364 No, no! Ilana, take the pen. 398 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,916 Aah! God! 399 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,128 I stabbed myself. 400 00:15:20,636 --> 00:15:23,054 I just stabbed myself! 401 00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:24,090 Whoo! 402 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:28,553 Adrenaline! 403 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:32,346 I... could actually take that pen. 404 00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:34,098 I feel so alive right now! 405 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:35,316 What's going on? 406 00:15:35,383 --> 00:15:36,651 Ilana, I got you, girl. 407 00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:38,479 It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world! 408 00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:40,022 Wait, wait. 409 00:15:40,406 --> 00:15:42,441 We'll take those two molten lava cakes to go. 410 00:15:44,226 --> 00:15:46,360 26, 26! 411 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,030 Yes, thank you, I need an ambulance 412 00:15:49,081 --> 00:15:50,331 to Octavia restaurant, please. 413 00:15:50,398 --> 00:15:51,565 Why don't you have the ambulance 414 00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:52,938 drop you off at a mental hospital? 415 00:15:53,001 --> 00:15:54,235 Because you're a crazy person. 416 00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,446 I hope you die in your sleep. 417 00:15:55,504 --> 00:15:57,205 I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly. 418 00:15:57,256 --> 00:15:59,123 Yes, it's an allergic reaction to seafood. 419 00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,426 Speak clearly. Someone is dying. 420 00:16:01,510 --> 00:16:03,171 Mm-hmm. Unbelievable. 421 00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:04,962 I'm king of the world! 422 00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:10,017 Abbi, you are the love of my... life. 423 00:16:27,402 --> 00:16:28,152 Sorry. 424 00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:48,799 Yes. 425 00:16:54,429 --> 00:16:55,646 Ohh! 426 00:16:55,731 --> 00:16:57,014 We got this. 427 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:58,232 Okay. 428 00:17:01,303 --> 00:17:02,854 You know what I was thinking about? 429 00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,774 I have no clue. 430 00:17:05,741 --> 00:17:07,526 After tonight, I realized 431 00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:10,111 we gotta get back into our bucket list, dude. 432 00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:11,412 Yes. We let it go for too long. 433 00:17:11,479 --> 00:17:12,879 I don't want to wait till we're dead 434 00:17:12,915 --> 00:17:13,865 to actually get to it. 435 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:16,317 I have them, I'll pull them up. 436 00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,368 There's a lot on here. 437 00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:18,703 I think we need to make some edits. 438 00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:20,121 Why? What's on there? 439 00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,583 Okay, mine - own an elliptical. 440 00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:25,259 Go to a pug farm. 441 00:17:25,327 --> 00:17:28,129 I just want to, like, lay with, like, a lot of pugs. 442 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,547 You know? 443 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,849 Do heroin under the aurora borealis. 444 00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:34,268 Okay, so none of those can go. 445 00:17:34,336 --> 00:17:35,302 Good luck editing. 446 00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,055 What are some of mine? Okay. 447 00:17:38,186 --> 00:17:39,476 Make your own Passover Seder. 448 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,728 To be able to squirt. 449 00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:44,779 Hello. Okay. 450 00:17:45,705 --> 00:17:46,814 To be held in Abbi's arms. 451 00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:48,900 You did that tonight. Ohh. 452 00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:50,444 You carried me. 453 00:17:51,486 --> 00:17:53,871 Yeah. Guess I'm pretty strong. 454 00:17:53,956 --> 00:17:54,491 Who knew? 455 00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:55,471 Mr. Rosenberg? 456 00:17:55,953 --> 00:17:58,125 Mr. Rosenberg. He's not breathing. 457 00:17:58,193 --> 00:17:59,243 Blue team to the ER. 458 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,664 Draw four units of ACE inhibitors. 459 00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:05,466 Blood pressure dropping. 460 00:18:05,533 --> 00:18:06,968 60 over 30. 461 00:18:07,035 --> 00:18:08,315 One milligram of epinephrine in. 462 00:18:09,704 --> 00:18:10,631 Get the pads. 463 00:18:11,139 --> 00:18:13,217 Paddles charging, clear. 464 00:18:14,174 --> 00:18:15,309 Patient not responsive. 465 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:17,262 Clear! 466 00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,686 Time of death, 2:47 AM. 467 00:18:36,331 --> 00:18:37,832 You know what another one of mine is? 468 00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,667 To be an Asian girl. 469 00:18:41,169 --> 00:18:42,870 To be one? 470 00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:45,256 I mean, if technology ever allows for it, 471 00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,960 I'd actually love a crack at every race. 472 00:18:48,677 --> 00:18:49,587 Huh. 473 00:18:50,578 --> 00:18:52,173 All right, I'll add it to the list. 474 00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:54,591 I'm just gonna say it. 475 00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,469 First night of my 26th year-- 476 00:18:56,768 --> 00:18:59,180 pee out a condom, go to the hospital. 477 00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:01,205 I think that that means that this year is just gonna be really-- 478 00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:02,266 Fun and cool and fresh? 479 00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,060 Well, I was gonna say awesome, but yeah. 480 00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:06,145 Okay, it will be, except 481 00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:10,858 I will be imposing the strictest condom policies. 482 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,218 From now on, you will be sending me a picture 483 00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:17,531 of every dick that you are about to... host 484 00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:20,201 wearing a condom. 485 00:19:20,676 --> 00:19:22,036 Deal? No deal. 486 00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:23,761 Oh, my God. 487 00:19:23,812 --> 00:19:26,314 Do you know who's at the top of my mom's gross sex list? 488 00:19:26,398 --> 00:19:28,042 Howie Mandel. 489 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,401 Wait, your mom has a gross sex list? 490 00:19:30,468 --> 00:19:31,652 Yeah, my whole family does. 491 00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:33,738 We play this game, it is hysterical. 492 00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,022 Who is the grossest person 493 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,741 you still kind of want to have sex with? 494 00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:38,192 Oh, okay, well, mine would-- 495 00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,244 Mine would obviously-- It just, um, it can't be a cartoon. 496 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:41,263 Okay. Well... 497 00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:44,141 Okay... 498 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,561 Mmm... O.J. 499 00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:49,939 Yeah, yeah. 500 00:19:50,886 --> 00:19:51,922 Definitely O.J. 501 00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,157 Oh, my God! 502 00:19:53,208 --> 00:19:56,210 Dude, in his day, he was a solid man. 503 00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:57,628 Like, he was a 10. Oh, he was gorgeous. 504 00:19:57,679 --> 00:19:59,013 He was a 10. No, no, no. 505 00:19:59,097 --> 00:20:00,777 He was on the cover of magazines and stuff. 506 00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:03,434 I'm just, like, floored by what a good answer that is 507 00:20:03,501 --> 00:20:05,169 and you've never played this before. 508 00:20:05,220 --> 00:20:07,388 I have never even thought of a murderer. 509 00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:08,973 Okay, how about you? 510 00:20:09,024 --> 00:20:13,611 Okay, my last one was, uh, David Blaine. 511 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,730 David Blaine?! 512 00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,514 That's so gross, but I feel like 513 00:20:17,566 --> 00:20:19,700 he cuts off his breathing so much 514 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,319 he's gotta be uninhibited. 515 00:20:21,370 --> 00:20:22,820 He would let me do anything. 516 00:20:22,871 --> 00:20:24,521 Yeah, he would, like, pull out a tooth or something. 517 00:20:24,573 --> 00:20:26,093 Anything you want to do to David Blaine 518 00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:26,601 he'll let you do. 519 00:20:26,601 --> 00:20:28,359 I'd, like, penetrate him. 520 00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:32,663 But my newest one is, um, the Six Flags guy. 521 00:20:33,915 --> 00:20:35,532 He's like-- Right off the bus? 522 00:20:35,584 --> 00:20:37,027 Yeah, he's like... 523 00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:38,863 No way, he's like... 524 00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:43,174 Oh, my God, I can't believe you can do that in heels. 525 00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:44,642 But, like, a lot faster. 526 00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:47,311 He does that with his arms. 527 00:20:48,897 --> 00:20:50,166 He's, like, so rubbery. 528 00:20:51,549 --> 00:20:52,650 Hold up, though, dude. 529 00:20:52,717 --> 00:20:54,545 We've got to go back to O.J. 530 00:20:54,595 --> 00:20:59,145 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36963

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