All language subtitles for Broad City s01e03 Girls.eng

Jeremy!

Hi. Hi.

Uh, I was just gonna see
what you're up to today,

but you're obviously
going to work, so.

This is a joke shirt.

'Cause I'm a trainer. Oh.

Yeah, I sometimes train, um,
VIP clients at night.

Like Shania... Twain.

Wow.

And then I come
back here during the day

and I'm just free to do
whatever happens.

You know... Well, I know we don't
know each other that well,

but I'm heading upstate today
to pick up some

salvaged beams from an
abandoned barn... Oh.

And I was just wondering
if you...

could sign for a package
for me that I'm expecting.

Oh.

I mean, only if you're
going to be home anyway.

Totally, totally.

Amazing, okay.

I'll leave a note on my door

and tell them to
drop it off here.

The window's between
10:00 and 4:00.

Okay. I really appreciate it.

Yeah. I owe you one.

Okay, I love you too.

I'm sorry, did you
just say something?

No, I think that you said...
you said something to me.

Yeah, I said, "Can you sign
for a package for me"

that I'm expecting,"
and then you said...

And then I didn't...
I don't think I said anything.

You're hearing things, man.
I might be.

You better get those beams.

You can sign for the package, though, right?
I can totally do that.

Okay. Great signature.

All right, love you too.

Oh, my God.

Ilana?

Hey, Ilana.

What?

What time is it?

Were you just sleeping
with your eyes open?

No.

Of course not.

Um, that would take, like,
super long to perfect.

Computer's not on.

It's just idle, I think.

It's not on.

Look, I need you to read and
sign the employee manual.

Details a lot of
the workplace policies.

One of them is, um,
proper workplace attire.

Oh, okay.

Well, I can just cover this.

Oops.

Oop.

"Sophie's Choice."

Hey.

It also details our sexual
harassment policies.

Got it.

Got it, got it, got it,
got it, got it.

Cool.

Um, well, I will get
right on that, sire.

But first, I'm going to take my
top-o'-the-morning-dump-to-you.

So um, I'll see you in a
couple... Couple hours.

Yeah, you know, it started
as a sore throat,

but I'm feeling
really feverish now.

It's escalating quickly.

A clump of my hair
just fell out actually.

Somebody had an accident
in the steam room

and I kind of want
you to handle that.

It's getting worse
as we're talking.

All right,
let's wheelbarrow, come on.

I really think
I should stay home.

Fine, take the day off, but
this is what I want you to do.

Run a quick 5K, sweat it out,
then take an eight-minute nap.

Wake up,
do a shot of Echinacea,

and then jump right
into an ice bath.

Immediately after that,
suck on some ice chips,

then urinate as
hard and as fast as you can.

Then eat a full onion, rub that
onion underneath your armpits,

any kind of gland, any kind
of mucal cavity, okay?

It's called cellular confusion.

All right, back on
that bench, let's go!

I'll give that a try
if I can muscle it.

And then you just gotta veg.

They just put all of
"Smallville" on Netflix.

But Abbi, promise me you'll
watch from the beginning, okay?

It really builds.

Thanks, Trey. No problem,
Bob, feel better.

All right, you want your ass
tight for reunion or what?

Finish strong.

Nice work, Gloria.

All right, hit the showers.

Okay.

Join me in the showers.

I'm not on my period.

Hello? Ilana Wexler?

Maybe... Who is this?

It's Linda Lodi, from the
Linda Lodi temp agency.

Listen, um, I know we haven't
called you in since that whole.

Popsicle incident.
I totally forgot about that.

Would you be available for some
temp work this afternoon?

Uh...

yeah, I'm available.

Great, just come over
as soon as you can.

Ilana, listen, this delivery
window starts in like,

20 minutes, I really gotta go.

Okay, one last thing.

Dude, this is huge.

Not that big of a deal.

Once you get this package,
he's going to think of you

as someone he can
trust with his mail.

Next thing you know, you're
pregnant with his sperm

and he's sanding down
your headboard shirtless.

I mean, I don't know if I'd
get pregnant like, right away.

I've heard from like, lots of
women that the sex gets bad

after you have kids. Totally.

We haven't even had sex once.

I just want to, like,
make sure we do it enough

before I would have
a kid, you know?

Even if it didn't happen
exactly like that, like,

I think this was
a huge step for us for real,

because he said he owes me one.

Owes you one?

His dick, dude!

You think so?

Oh, he's gonna thank you.

So wear that candy thong
I got you from Spencer's.

You ate it like, as soon as
you gave it to me.

Listen, I really gotta go.
I gotta let you go, sweetie.

I'm about to start
at this temp job... Bye bye.

Sorry.

I had to take that.

You made that call in the
middle of our conversation.

Did I?

I'm really scraping the bottom
of the barrel here.

Look, my whole staff
is out with food poisoning.

I took them to lunch, that sushi
place underneath Penn Station.

Oh, I love that place.

Yeah, it's usually good, right?

Anyway, look, when a call comes
in, just check the database,

send out the first person
available,

and that's pretty much it.

Got it? Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to
leave you on your own.

I gotta go get my hair fixed.

Yeah, what happened there?

I tried this new stylist.

I said, "Do whatever you want."

I am way too trusting
of strangers.

Anyway, here's the keys.

I'll catch you later, okay?

Good luck. Bye.

Are you okay?

Is a forever thing.

Hey, Bevers, you hear
the door knock earlier?

Mm-hmm.
Why didn't you answer it?

I know you don't like me
to answer the door

because I don't
technically live here.

Yeah, you don't
technically live here,

but when I'm not home,
feel free to answer the door.

It could be something
important.

Okay, now we've
worked that out.

Yeah, great.

Hi, thanks for holding.

So your package is still on the
truck, but you can pick it up

from the distribution center
after 4:30.

I'm just confused.

Why was the package delivered at
9:49 when the delivery window

was supposed to start at 10:00?

It's a flexible window.

Windows are never flexible.

That's not how they work.
Sorry.

Your borough's
distribution center is on.

North Brother Island.
Is that in New York?

I've never even heard of that.

Yes, in the East River.

Take the 6 train
to the last stop

and transfer to the M83 bus
to the water taxi.

Boom, you're there.
Thank you, I guess?

You'll never
get off the island.

What did you just say?
I'm sorry.

I'm watching "Shutter Island."

Good luck.

What up?

Is this Linda?

No, I'm just a temp.

You're a temp at a temp agency?

Touche.

What up?
This is Wet Nose Walkers.

We need a temp to cover one
of our dog walker routes.

Absolutely, sir,
that's what we do best.

Um...

What's the address?

Yeah!

I'm making bank, bitch!

Oh, my God.

You are insane.

Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a la
Jay-Z, a la Martha Stewart,

a la Bethenny Frankel.

From "Housewives"? Yeah.

Next thing you know, I'm
backstage at Barclays

with RiRi and Bebe... Who?

Rihanna and Beyonce.

And we're just laughing
and sipping on champagne

with like, candlelight. 'Cause
that happens all the time.

RiRi leans in for a kiss
and then she...

Goes down on you. Yeah.

Yeah, you... you say
that story a lot.

Oh... cool.

Oh, my God!

I didn't know you had plans with Lincoln.
We don't have plans.

We're just going to have sex at
one of these dogs' apartments.

Super classy.

I'd do it.

I'd pick up your poop,
you're worth it.

So I know why I missed
the window.

I jinxed myself.
Why, what do you mean?

'Cause I bought
too many condoms.

It's the story of my life,

so just gonna deal with it.

But I won't make out with you.

That's what white people do,
that dog thing.

Black people don't
make out with dogs.

So what do you think is in
Jeremy's package?

Oh, look at you.

You're standoffish, huh?

I've narrowed it down
to a bunch of things.

I made a little list here.

Okay, so I think it's either,
um, clues to a mystery

that he's gonna solve,

a manly handcrafted axe,

or a really great belt.

Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight.

Ilana, why do you have to
ruin him for me?

It's not a Fleshlight.

It's healthy.

I gotta head back
to the office.

One of these dumb kids broke
his jaw on a Jawbreaker.

Why would you even do that?

It does exactly what
it says it's gonna do.

Lincoln, you gave all these dogs
all your love and now you're

leaving me like, tight and dry.

I'll kick it with you later.
Okay, cool.

See you later, General Tso.

Is that his name?

Yeah, I name them based on
their personalities.

There's General Tso,
there's Dumbface.

That's Ballsack,

and that is star
of "Ugly Betty"

and "Who's the Boss?"

The wonderful, the esteemed...

Judith Light!

Oh, my God.

She is!

That's so Judith!
That is dead on!

All right,
I'll see y'all later.

All right, peace.
Later, Judith.

Judith, now that I know that
you are Judith Light,

I can't let you back
in that tiny-ass apartment.

We'll drop these bitches off

and you're chilling with me all day.

Last stop in Manhattan.

The train will now be going
express to 37th Street.

Sorry.

Oh.

All right.

Uh, hello...

Garol.

I'm not sure if I'm in
the right place...

You are. Okay.

I'll just hand that...
All right.

Oh, Jesus.

Thank you so much.

It took me so long... ID.

Jeremy Santos.

No, I'm not a man.

Jeremy's actually my...
he's my husband.

So.

We both work so much.

You know how it is.

But when we're home,
we're home and we...

I need his ID or he can
come down here

with two pieces of
mail with his name on it.

Gar... ol, you seem like,
so great.

I can just tell
from this interaction.

Can you just like, look
the other way this time?

I'm sorry, I can't.

My supervisor's watching.

I'm sorry, I will have someone
there right away.

Linda Lodi Temp Agency,
please hold.

Hey. Where have you been?

I've got no temps sent out,
I've got the phone ringing

off the hook, I'm getting
threatening e-mails.

My scalp is burning.

What are you doing?

Have you been eating those?

Yeah. How many have you had?

30 or like, 100.

30 or 100?

These are for a guess-
how-many contest!

Well, you should
label every side.

Well, now I have to count
the whole thing over again.

I don't believe this.

You don't even know
how many you had?

Jesus, what a day.

One, two, three, four, five.

Ten. Six, seven,
eight, nine, 10.

15... five, six, seven, eight, nine...
17, 18...

You're messing me up.

Now I have to start over.

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, my God, I killed her!

Judith Light!

59, 60.

Hello? Bevers.

I need you to steal two pieces
of Jeremy's mail from like,

the front hall and bring them
to North Brother Island

like, immediately, okay?

And then you're going to
have to pretend to be him.

I'd love to,
but I'm actually out

with some friends right now.

You're not in the apartment?

No, we're on the same schedule.

If you're not there,
I'm not there.

When you're there, I'm there.

Okay, just shut up, listen.

If you do this for me
right now, I'm gonna...

I will buy you a
Costco rotisserie chicken.

Uh, sold.

I'll head over as soon
as I finish my mimosa.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

Hi.

Oh, my God, Judith.

We induced vomiting,
he's gonna be fine.

He? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I looked for his dick forever.

All that hair.

Well, he's probably
stressed from the day.

Do you guys have dog Xanax?

For him, Judith Light.

We do, but I don't think
it's necessary. Cool.

If I wrapped it up in a piece
of cheese for him to eat

and then I accidentally
swallowed that piece of cheese,

would I die or
be like, super chill?

I'm not going to prescribe
you dog Xanax.

Oh, no.

No, I didn't mean... No.

I see how... No, no, no.

Cool.

One last quick "Q."

Um, are human hemorrhoids
the same as dog hemorrhoids,

and if so, does dog
hemorrhoid cream work

on human buttholes?

No.

Yeah, I got here
as soon as I could.

How did you get a cab
to come here?

The Whitestone Bridge
is right over there.

Okay, come on, let's go.

Do you have 70 bucks
to pay the driver?

Remember, you're my husband,
Jeremy Santos.

Right.

Got it.

I'm not your roommate's
boyfriend, I'm your husband.

Don't worry.

I'll do it good. Okay.

But don't tell Melody.
Tell Melody what?

Oh, God.

That was a great...

that was a great kiss
from my husband.

Garol, hi.

So this is Jeremy, my husband
I told you about earlier.

You're Jeremy Santos.

No, I'm Matty Bevers.

No, Abbi, don't!

No, no, no, I'm gonna
lose a flip flop!

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no!

Chicken!

Oh... hey.

You know, it's really not cool
to have such a big dog

in such a
tiny apartment all day.

It's irresponsible,
to tell you the truth.

That is not my dog. Hmm?

My dog is a teacup Yorkie
named Cherish.

Where is Cherish? Huh, right.

If the Yorkie belongs here, then
the retriever should have gone

to the place
above the liquor store.

I see what I did.

This is so me, dude.

All the dogs are off by one.

Oh, my God.

The Chihuahua should
be the in the loft.

Which means you should be
in Chinatown, Judith Light.

Oh, man.

No worries, dude,
Cherish is totally fine.

She's just in a tenement
building on Avenue D.

I'll have her back in one...
closer to three hours.

Cherish!

No, Mom, it was good.

Yeah, it was good.

I actually drew today, all day.

I gotta go... I love you.

Okay, talk to you later, bye.

Abbi, it's fine.

I just think
you owe me an apology.

Are you kidding me?

You owe me an apology.

Well, you did ruin
a perfectly good chicken.

It's a rotisserie chicken.

You can get one anywhere. What
does it matter how it's prepared?

You know what, Bevers?

You need to like,
just shut up right now

because I can't even
handle this.

You got me to commit
a federal offense today.

We borrowed neighbor's mail
to go get a neighbor's package.

You were not a good kisser.

You messed up
my entire thing today.

I think we should talk.
We're talking right now.

I think what needs to
happen is you need to go home

'cause you don't live here.
What?

You need to
grab all your little flip flops

and all your socks
and you need to get out.

Jesus, what?

Whoa. Jeremy.

Okay, I don't have the package.

I don't have it.

They came here and then
I wasn't here and then

I had to go to
the island to get it

and there was this woman there
and she was eating all this

yogurt and she
wouldn't give it to me 'cause

I didn't have your ID.
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey.

I don't have an ID of yours.
It's okay.

I'm sorry. It's not her fault.

It's mine.

I didn't get the door
when the delivery came.

Abbi actually tried really hard
to get your package today.

Abbi, I didn't mean for you
to go through so much trouble.

It's no big deal.

Listen, man, I'm going to
be here all day tomorrow

and the day after that,
all day.

Day after that, all day.

So I can sign for
your package, no problem.

Fantastic, man,
I appreciate that.

I owe you dinner, okay? Oh,
you don't... Yeah, okay.

It'll be fun. I got a lot of
planks I gotta unload, so...

All right. But I'll
see you guys later?

Yeah. Okay.

Just whenever.

I thought he would never leave.

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Thank God you got this
toilet paper, Abbi.

Ooh...

Oh, I totally missed, Abbi!

Oh!

The graphics are sick.

You can really see like,
the life

drain out of the guy's
eyes... It's pretty cool.

I'd love to come over and
play sometime. I wish.

Abbi really doesn't like it
when I have friends over.

I'll come to your place?
Absolutely.

I'll make my special
rotisserie chicken.

21 seasonings salute.

Dude.

How are you still single?

It's just hard to meet
girls in this city.

Dude, you gotta know
someone you can set me up with.

You know what?

No, I don't.

Sorry.

So this mole has grown like, 10
times bigger in the last year.

Should I be worried? Please.

There's a cat I need
to put to sleep.

Okay, but could you just
touch it really quickly?

Am I thin?

Like, for a dog?

Well, the cat's dead.

Let's do this.

Wow, these hemorrhoids
really are bad.

I know.

I spend way too much
time on the toilet.

Thanks.

You know, I just can't
even control myself.

Well, this should do the trick.

Now remember, no scratching.

Thanks again.

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