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1
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Ab, ab, ab... no joke, today is the day
2
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we become Abbi and Ilana, the boss bitches
3
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we are in our minds.
4
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Are you with me?
5
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Yeah, I'm with you, awesome.
6
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Are you... is that the whole thing?
7
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Obviously I have a plan.
8
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Tonight we are going to see a secret pop-up Lil Wayne concert,
9
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at bowery ballroom.
10
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I can't, I'm so broke. No excuses, girl.
11
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I'm getting big ol' balls of mozzarella today.
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Chea... get it!
13
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Chea... harder.
14
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You're gonna have to speak in English for me.
15
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I am getting my paycheck today and I can spot you, bitch!
16
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I wish that I could,
17
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but I am so close to finishing season one of "Damages,"
18
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and I made, this, like, amazing cashew stir-fry
19
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for the week, so I'm actually pretty booked.
20
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Stir-fry?
21
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Can I talk to the Abbi who stole a van?
22
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Ab, you're so stuck in your little routine.
23
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I bet you schedule when you jack off.
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Schedule when I ja...
25
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Oh, my God.
26
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Is that Lincoln?
27
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Yep.
28
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Is he inside of you?
29
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Yep.
30
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I'm just keeping him warm.
31
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All right... let's just set some ground rules here
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for everybody involved.
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I don't want to see you have sex.
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Let's try and avoid that.
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Lincoln, you seem well.
36
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Thank you... I've been doing this no-bread diet
37
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and it's pretty good.
38
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It's been working.
39
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All right... I'm gonna head out, then.
40
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Peace, bye.
41
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That was hot... that was cool.
42
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That was like a threesome, in a way.
43
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Uh, Ilana, what are we doing?
44
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Are we just having sex, hooking up?
45
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Are we dating?
46
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What is this?
47
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This is purely physical.
48
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Why does this always happen to me?
49
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Four and three and two and one-one
50
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Climb... push it!
51
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Come on!
52
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Let's make some magic here.
53
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Let's climb it.
54
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Turn up that resistance... come on.
55
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Let's do this.
56
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Yes, climb.
57
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Yo, Abbi. Hey.
58
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Got something for you. Okay.
59
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Big ol' clogged toilet in the girls' room.
60
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It's pretty bad.
61
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You'll know it when you see it.
62
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Thanks for the heads-up, Tre.
63
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No problem... just do me a favor.
64
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Try not to make eye contact with any members,
65
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when you're holding the plunger.
66
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Really bums 'em out.
67
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Well, I mean, what if someone just, like, walks...
68
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Underwater massage?
69
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Yes... yes, that sounds intense.
70
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Great job, killing it.
71
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Who's got more deals?
72
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Who else has a deal for me?
73
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Ooh, Nicole, what's your deal.
74
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I'm kind of obsessed with these D-I-Y vajazzling seminars
75
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and I feel like they'd be a really great fit for us.
76
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That is what I'm talking about.
77
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Do you guys smell that?
78
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Come on, sniff the air.
79
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Oh, what's that odor?
80
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I think it's the scent of a deal.
81
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Who's got more deals for me?
82
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Ooh, in the back, Ilana.
83
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Dope sweatshirt... what is your deal?
84
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I've been kind of obsessed with getting paid,
85
00:02:59,369 --> 00:03:01,167
and I was wondering if that's happening today,
86
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so we could all be paid.
87
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Checks, unfortunately, delayed 'til Friday.
88
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Bummer.
89
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F-M-L, right?
90
00:03:09,864 --> 00:03:11,795
Speaking of F-M-L, went on a third date.
91
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with that girl from Match.Com,
92
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to keep you guys updated,
93
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third time, went for the kiss, third time rejected,
94
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but I'll try... I'll get it.
95
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Let's get back to our desks.
96
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Deals don't make themselves.
97
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Bonjour, petit Wayne.
98
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I am a genius.
99
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Not so much... right, buddy?
100
00:03:32,619 --> 00:03:34,256
That's the look of a dealer right there.
101
00:03:34,351 --> 00:03:35,783
If I was in Las Vegas, I'd assume you could,
102
00:03:35,885 --> 00:03:36,949
move the table limit.
103
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That's how much of a dealer you are.
104
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,479
Ilana. Ooh.
105
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Come on, this is not work.
106
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Oh... okay, I'll take lunch.
107
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Please...
108
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Come back today.
109
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Oh!
110
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Ilana.
111
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Don't Black Swan me like that, dude.
112
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Okay, what are you even doing here?
113
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Nothing... just strolling through the neighborhood
114
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and wanted to see my number one.
115
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Oh, really?
116
00:04:07,668 --> 00:04:10,132
Okay, listen... I really think that you deserve... hey.
117
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Sorry, I forgot about the line.
118
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I'll see you in the second-class citizen area.
119
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It's called the non-member pen and you know that.
120
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Ew... listen to yourself.
121
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I think you deserve like an Abbi Bueller's day off.
122
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I can't just leave work in the middle of the day.
123
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Yes, you can... you just lie, and leave.
124
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All they let you do, is fold towels, anyway.
125
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No, they don't.
126
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They let me do a lot more than that.
127
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I wash the towels, and then I dry the towels.
128
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Great... to see you.
129
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Good friend? Uh-huh, yeah, she's great.
130
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Also, any day now, a trainer's gonna be absent,
131
00:04:39,552 --> 00:04:44,182
and guess who they're gonna invite, to instruct a class.
132
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I would love for that to happen, but it's just not.
133
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They don't respect you.
134
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Oh, thank God, Abbi, there you are.
135
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Tre.
136
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Thank God. We really need you, buddy.
137
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Yes, I'm prepared.
138
00:04:52,913 --> 00:04:54,978
So...
139
00:04:55,079 --> 00:04:57,076
We got another pube situation, in the women's locker room.
140
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Yeah... somebody really went to town,
141
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in the second shower stall.
142
00:04:59,941 --> 00:05:01,022
And if you need the snake,
143
00:05:01,108 --> 00:05:02,273
it's probably wherever you last left it.
144
00:05:02,374 --> 00:05:03,506
I know where it is, so.
145
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:04,871
You know, you should just label it "Abbi's Snake,"
146
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you're so good with it. I don't know if I wanna...
147
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Seriously.
148
00:05:10,037 --> 00:05:11,303
Okay, Abbi, come on.
149
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Can I get a little more positivity from you, please?
150
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I'll clean it.
151
00:05:13,768 --> 00:05:14,734
You can be positive, right?
152
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:16,533
I know you can be positive.
153
00:05:19,132 --> 00:05:20,131
Yeah, you know what?
154
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,389
You know, I can be positive,
155
00:05:21,431 --> 00:05:23,196
because I actually might be positive.
156
00:05:23,297 --> 00:05:24,895
I'm dealing with some pretty scary test results,
157
00:05:24,996 --> 00:05:26,494
that are at a clinic right now,
158
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and I have to get 'em, but I'm at work.
159
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,359
I mean, I might be positive in a blood situation, so...
160
00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:32,559
Is it herpes?
161
00:05:32,659 --> 00:05:33,957
No, it's not.
162
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Genital warts. No.
163
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Oh, my God.
164
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Abbi.
165
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Is it the big one?
166
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It could be the big one.
167
00:05:42,854 --> 00:05:43,919
Abbi, you gotta get those results?
168
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I gotta get the pubes.
169
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,651
Don't worry about the pubes, Abbi.
170
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Get your results.
171
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Blaise, there you are... would you get to class?
172
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Abbi.
173
00:05:53,382 --> 00:05:54,579
Let me know if you have aids.
174
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You'll be the first one that I tell.
175
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When I find out.
176
00:06:07,875 --> 00:06:10,738
Okay, so tickets are 50 each.
177
00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:12,772
Obviously, we need an eighth. Ok.
178
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Plus drinks, that's like 200 bucks total.
179
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And since Todd wouldn't give me my paycheck.
180
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Girl!
181
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You took all of his office supplies.
182
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Listen, what I do at my place of work,
183
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is none of your damn business, okay?
184
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Okay, I think you really need to be fired, really soon. I know.
185
00:06:34,229 --> 00:06:35,466
Oh, I love this song.
186
00:06:35,527 --> 00:06:37,725
Ugh... this is a slave song.
187
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It's not a slave song.
188
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Yes, it is.
189
00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:41,857
It's widely known by the black community,
190
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that "What a Wonderful World" is, like, a slave song.
191
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Right, right, right, I totally forgot that you're,
192
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like, the voice of the whole black community.
193
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It's a thing... Google it.
194
00:06:49,588 --> 00:06:50,787
It's in a Fugees song.
195
00:06:50,887 --> 00:06:53,251
Wyclef's like, "and I think to myself."
196
00:06:53,352 --> 00:06:54,584
He's like angry about it.
197
00:06:54,685 --> 00:06:56,749
I feel like all we ever talk about is black people,
198
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and slaver... y...
199
00:06:59,450 --> 00:07:00,347
Hi.
200
00:07:00,448 --> 00:07:02,314
I would like to return these items.
201
00:07:02,414 --> 00:07:03,813
I once owned them personally,
202
00:07:03,915 --> 00:07:06,045
but I have no use for them now, so.
203
00:07:07,545 --> 00:07:10,776
Your total comes to $135.67.
204
00:07:10,877 --> 00:07:12,110
Yes! Shit... yes!
205
00:07:13,609 --> 00:07:15,207
Oh.
206
00:07:15,308 --> 00:07:19,205
You know, we'd love to get that in liquid cash. Yeah.
207
00:07:21,404 --> 00:07:23,904
Okay.
208
00:07:24,005 --> 00:07:25,335
Okay, what about my fishbowl of change?
209
00:07:25,435 --> 00:07:27,433
There's got to be, like, 30 or 40 bucks in there?
210
00:07:27,435 --> 00:07:28,735
Can you leave?
211
00:07:28,835 --> 00:07:30,933
Yeah, we're gonna... we're ending the convo.
212
00:07:37,796 --> 00:07:40,095
Justin, Justin, there's a sniper there... oh!
213
00:07:40,196 --> 00:07:41,793
I just told you that!
214
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Oh, my God.
215
00:07:43,793 --> 00:07:45,126
Hey, guys.
216
00:07:45,227 --> 00:07:46,291
Hey. Yo.
217
00:07:46,392 --> 00:07:48,024
What gun are you using?
218
00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:50,956
Ah, you got the variable zoom on that.
219
00:07:51,057 --> 00:07:52,855
Oh, I'll have to check that out.
220
00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:55,254
Sorry, Ilana, all that cheese you wanted, is gone.
221
00:07:55,355 --> 00:07:58,452
It looks like somebody ate it all.
222
00:07:58,553 --> 00:07:59,485
That sucks.
223
00:07:59,586 --> 00:08:00,718
Cheese is dope.
224
00:08:00,819 --> 00:08:03,717
Uh-oh, U.A.V. inbound, courtesy of yours truly.
225
00:08:03,818 --> 00:08:05,716
You're welcome.
226
00:08:05,817 --> 00:08:07,147
Hey, Beavers.
227
00:08:07,249 --> 00:08:11,079
So I noticed, that you ate all of my cheese again.
228
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:12,212
Could you not do that?
229
00:08:12,313 --> 00:08:13,278
Or maybe get more?
230
00:08:13,379 --> 00:08:14,445
I'm sorry.
231
00:08:14,546 --> 00:08:16,143
I actually didn't realize, it was your cheese.
232
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,276
I labeled it pretty clearly.
233
00:08:18,377 --> 00:08:19,841
Mm-hmm, I see.
234
00:08:19,943 --> 00:08:22,708
Maybe in the future if you do that, put it on, like...
235
00:08:22,809 --> 00:08:26,106
Like, all six sides of the cheese brick.
236
00:08:26,207 --> 00:08:27,570
Yeah.
237
00:08:27,671 --> 00:08:29,203
Well, maybe you can just restock it, then?
238
00:08:29,304 --> 00:08:30,903
I can put on some sweats, and run out if you want me to.
239
00:08:31,004 --> 00:08:32,122
Yeah, okay. Or, you know...
240
00:08:33,236 --> 00:08:34,168
I'm not talking to you!
241
00:08:34,269 --> 00:08:35,434
I'm talking to my roommate!
242
00:08:35,534 --> 00:08:36,601
You're not my roommate.
243
00:08:36,701 --> 00:08:38,532
You're my roommate's boyfriend. What?
244
00:08:38,634 --> 00:08:40,798
Oh, also, the toilet's clogged.
245
00:08:40,899 --> 00:08:42,430
My bad.
246
00:08:42,531 --> 00:08:44,295
You know, I think I'm lactose intolerant.
247
00:08:44,396 --> 00:08:46,295
Good thing you ate all that cheese.
248
00:08:46,396 --> 00:08:48,427
You know that, there's a plunger in the bathroom.
249
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:49,727
It's right next to the toilet.
250
00:08:49,761 --> 00:08:50,960
It's like, right within...
251
00:08:51,061 --> 00:08:52,658
I do know that, but I also know that you told me,
252
00:08:52,758 --> 00:08:54,591
not to touch your stuff in the bathroom.
253
00:08:54,692 --> 00:08:55,657
Right.
254
00:08:55,758 --> 00:08:56,656
That's my mistake.
255
00:08:56,756 --> 00:08:58,189
Yeah. You disgust me.
256
00:08:58,290 --> 00:08:59,689
What?
257
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:02,354
Oh... Sergeant First Class!
258
00:09:02,455 --> 00:09:04,420
I just ranked up, Abbi!
259
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,117
Yes, I placed the Jewess ad.
260
00:09:07,219 --> 00:09:09,317
Both of us are over 18, yeah.
261
00:09:09,417 --> 00:09:11,282
Under 18, I said.
262
00:09:11,383 --> 00:09:13,020
We're both under 18, we're young teens...
263
00:09:13,115 --> 00:09:15,780
Hello?
264
00:09:15,882 --> 00:09:17,213
Damn it.
265
00:09:20,012 --> 00:09:21,877
Okay.
266
00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:29,373
At the bottom of the ocean
267
00:09:29,474 --> 00:09:30,840
Hey, somebody left a dank turd...
268
00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:33,838
Oh, my God.
269
00:09:33,939 --> 00:09:35,304
You still have your performance bib, right?
270
00:09:35,405 --> 00:09:36,644
Yeah, duh.
271
00:09:36,705 --> 00:09:39,203
This is gonna make a dent in the Weezie fund, dude.
272
00:09:39,303 --> 00:09:40,368
Huge dent.
273
00:09:40,468 --> 00:09:41,435
Did you call me?
274
00:09:41,536 --> 00:09:43,234
No, Matt, I didn't call you!
275
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,732
It's like, why would we call you?
276
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,332
It's like he's constantly in my face.
277
00:09:47,432 --> 00:09:49,031
It kills me that he lives here, and doesn't pay a cent.
278
00:09:49,132 --> 00:09:53,396
I feel dirtier when I leave the shower, because his hair...
279
00:09:53,497 --> 00:09:55,761
His hair is, like, all over my body.
280
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:58,060
It's like I have to see your dick in your shorts. God!
281
00:10:01,358 --> 00:10:03,323
You know, one side is always gonna be hamstrung,
282
00:10:03,424 --> 00:10:05,056
by the other side's congress, you know?
283
00:10:05,157 --> 00:10:06,855
It just doesn't matter... we're done.
284
00:10:06,955 --> 00:10:08,421
We're done as a country.
285
00:10:08,522 --> 00:10:10,154
Matt, did you just call me?
286
00:10:23,447 --> 00:10:25,779
Jeremy.
287
00:10:29,944 --> 00:10:31,675
The sun
288
00:10:31,776 --> 00:10:34,041
the sun blows over the sea
289
00:10:34,142 --> 00:10:35,308
Hey, Abbi.
290
00:10:35,409 --> 00:10:37,307
Hey...
291
00:10:37,407 --> 00:10:38,840
Making up a batch of my famous peppercorn,
292
00:10:38,941 --> 00:10:40,205
and cardamom cider beer.
293
00:10:40,305 --> 00:10:42,504
I'm not gonna finish it all myself.
294
00:10:42,604 --> 00:10:46,768
You need someone else.
295
00:10:46,869 --> 00:10:50,033
We're making eye contact.
296
00:10:50,134 --> 00:10:52,498
You'll let me know, then?
297
00:10:52,599 --> 00:10:56,996
Your arms...
298
00:10:57,097 --> 00:10:58,762
Abbi...
299
00:10:58,863 --> 00:11:01,560
Abbi...
300
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,060
Abbi!
301
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,227
Thank God I caught you.
302
00:11:04,328 --> 00:11:05,564
And that you're in gym shorts.
303
00:11:05,592 --> 00:11:06,831
Mm-hmm.
304
00:11:06,926 --> 00:11:09,924
Anyway, just so you know, we need toilet paper.
305
00:11:10,025 --> 00:11:12,123
Oh, we need it... we do?
306
00:11:12,224 --> 00:11:13,321
Well, if you don't mind,
307
00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:15,255
I mean, since you're going out anyway.
308
00:11:15,355 --> 00:11:16,487
Is there anything else that I can get you,
309
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:17,520
maybe, when I'm out?
310
00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:18,986
Well, I wasn't gonna ask,
311
00:11:19,087 --> 00:11:22,651
but I have been hankering for something sweet.
312
00:11:22,752 --> 00:11:24,416
Like a hot cookie?
313
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,281
Soft but not moist.
314
00:11:26,382 --> 00:11:29,281
Or, surprise me!
315
00:11:29,382 --> 00:11:31,846
Kill you in your sleep, how's that for a surprise?
316
00:11:34,512 --> 00:11:37,145
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
317
00:11:37,245 --> 00:11:39,076
I got a special delivery for you, Ilana.
318
00:11:39,177 --> 00:11:40,242
Thank you so much, I...
319
00:11:40,343 --> 00:11:41,275
I brought your beautiful thing, too.
320
00:11:41,376 --> 00:11:42,707
Oh.
321
00:11:42,808 --> 00:11:45,673
Jaime, you are the best roommate, and best friend I've ever had.
322
00:11:45,775 --> 00:11:47,538
When you're ready to become a citizen,
323
00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:49,104
my legs are wide open.
324
00:11:49,205 --> 00:11:51,870
I don't think that's how it works, but thank you.
325
00:11:51,971 --> 00:11:54,069
Jaime, Himmels, Hymes... how are you?
326
00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:57,466
Good. Are you stoned right now?
327
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,365
Yeah. Good, so regarding the pot...
328
00:11:59,466 --> 00:12:02,065
Mmm-hmm. We can get you that 60 bucks A.S.A.P.
329
00:12:02,166 --> 00:12:04,463
Okay. Or...
330
00:12:04,564 --> 00:12:08,728
This office warehouse gift card has $135 on it.
331
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:11,626
Whoa. I know, it's like, what do they even have there?
332
00:12:11,726 --> 00:12:13,525
Only any office supply known to man.
333
00:12:13,626 --> 00:12:15,257
I mean, I think they even have food now.
334
00:12:15,358 --> 00:12:16,557
Oh, yeah... no, I'll take it.
335
00:12:16,658 --> 00:12:17,690
There's like, lamps.
336
00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:18,923
Please... tons of stuff.
337
00:12:19,024 --> 00:12:20,122
Give it to me.
338
00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:21,322
Yeah... that's good...
339
00:12:21,423 --> 00:12:23,620
Trade? I'll take it.
340
00:12:23,721 --> 00:12:25,486
Yes. Yes.
341
00:12:25,587 --> 00:12:27,086
Bah, bah, black sheep.
342
00:12:27,186 --> 00:12:29,051
Dude, the card worked. Yes.
343
00:12:29,152 --> 00:12:31,051
Now we only need $140.
344
00:12:31,152 --> 00:12:32,709
Easy, we're done. We're doing it, dude,
345
00:12:32,716 --> 00:12:33,955
we're getting there.
346
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:34,949
Is that Lincoln?
347
00:12:37,148 --> 00:12:39,680
Why is he doing this to me, before curtain?
348
00:12:41,313 --> 00:12:43,711
Bah, bah, black sheep.
349
00:12:43,812 --> 00:12:45,075
Lincoln, why are you here?
350
00:12:45,176 --> 00:12:46,110
No offense.
351
00:12:46,210 --> 00:12:47,642
I saw your tweet, so I wanted to stop by,
352
00:12:47,744 --> 00:12:49,207
but I wanted to respect your space.
353
00:12:49,308 --> 00:12:50,507
That's why I'm hanging back.
354
00:12:50,608 --> 00:12:51,540
That's cool.
355
00:12:51,641 --> 00:12:53,872
I respect you, respecting me.
356
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:55,004
Yeah?
357
00:12:55,106 --> 00:12:57,070
I'm gonna respect your dick later.
358
00:13:01,469 --> 00:13:03,500
Yeah!
359
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,266
Weekdays are tough.
360
00:13:06,366 --> 00:13:09,430
It's early for lunch.
361
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:12,363
They just need time to find the audience, you know?
362
00:13:12,465 --> 00:13:13,702
The first season of "Seinfeld,"
363
00:13:13,730 --> 00:13:15,428
not that many people saw that show,
364
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,959
but it got time to grow.
365
00:13:18,060 --> 00:13:20,158
Yeah.
366
00:13:20,259 --> 00:13:22,357
Oh, we got a fan.
367
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:24,256
We got a fan, hey, hey, hey.
368
00:13:25,856 --> 00:13:28,621
Me and Ilana, we really don't like to use labels.
369
00:13:28,722 --> 00:13:30,087
We try to be more progressive.
370
00:13:30,188 --> 00:13:32,020
We have a real connection.
371
00:13:35,152 --> 00:13:37,651
Oh, she's break dancing, that's cool.
372
00:13:39,717 --> 00:13:41,382
All right, let's pick it up.
373
00:13:43,081 --> 00:13:44,547
Who teaches the bucket drummers?
374
00:13:44,648 --> 00:13:49,244
I never seen a bucket drummer class listed anywhere.
375
00:13:53,576 --> 00:13:55,240
She should be giving us, like, 25%.
376
00:13:56,642 --> 00:13:57,640
We can't do this anymore.
377
00:13:57,641 --> 00:13:58,600
This is insane.
378
00:13:58,641 --> 00:14:00,106
We're like... where'd the music go?
379
00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,538
Boo!
380
00:14:01,639 --> 00:14:03,071
Are you kidding me?
381
00:14:03,172 --> 00:14:05,170
No... she wouldn't even have anything to dance to,
382
00:14:05,271 --> 00:14:06,437
if it wasn't for us!
383
00:14:06,538 --> 00:14:07,801
You suck!
384
00:14:07,902 --> 00:14:09,701
What... shut up!
385
00:14:11,035 --> 00:14:12,266
All right.
386
00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:14,899
You come out, and you try to do some good.
387
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,698
Stop!
388
00:14:16,799 --> 00:14:17,897
Grow up!
389
00:14:19,198 --> 00:14:21,861
I just don't understand why she took the fishbowl.
390
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:24,360
I would have given it to her.
391
00:14:24,460 --> 00:14:27,093
Homeless people need supplies, I don't know. I know.
392
00:14:27,194 --> 00:14:29,657
And we need 90 bucks in two hours
393
00:14:29,758 --> 00:14:31,857
and you need to get stoned, I need your... 90 bucks... okay.
394
00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,589
Crazy brain, man.
395
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:34,921
You know what, Ilana, I rag on you all the time,
396
00:14:35,022 --> 00:14:36,460
but you're right, like, I needed to,
397
00:14:36,522 --> 00:14:37,960
get out of my element today. Hello?
398
00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:39,453
I needed it.
399
00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,117
It was nice of you to have my back...
400
00:14:43,218 --> 00:14:44,484
Jesus.
401
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:45,650
Thank you for this opportunity.
402
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,683
We'll see you in 30 minutes or less.
403
00:14:47,784 --> 00:14:49,021
Bye-bye, sir.
404
00:14:49,082 --> 00:14:50,314
What?
405
00:14:50,415 --> 00:14:51,713
Okay, I had a backup plan on the low this whole time,
406
00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:53,545
and it's coming up, it's happening.
407
00:14:53,646 --> 00:14:54,578
We are gonna make this money,
408
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:56,178
and I'll buy you a new piggy bank,
409
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:58,643
a legit piggy bank.
410
00:14:58,744 --> 00:15:00,809
What is it? Come on.
411
00:15:00,910 --> 00:15:02,275
Ilana, this is really good pot.
412
00:15:02,376 --> 00:15:03,274
It's P.C.P.
413
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:04,334
What?
414
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:19,333
Okay.
415
00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:20,999
I'm gonna start taking my clothes off now.
416
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:22,231
Wait, what?
417
00:15:22,332 --> 00:15:23,231
Yeah.
418
00:15:23,332 --> 00:15:24,530
This is all part of the deal.
419
00:15:24,631 --> 00:15:26,062
What the, Ilana...
420
00:15:26,163 --> 00:15:29,995
We're just two gals, cleaning in our underwear for an hour.
421
00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,993
What "gals"?
422
00:15:32,094 --> 00:15:33,726
We? Us gals.
423
00:15:33,827 --> 00:15:34,891
I'm not doing that, dude.
424
00:15:34,992 --> 00:15:36,125
Shh, shh, shhh... what?
425
00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:37,458
Why are you shushing me?
426
00:15:41,823 --> 00:15:42,987
No.
427
00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:45,487
Our treasure pleasure, leisure, leisure
428
00:15:45,587 --> 00:15:46,852
it's all in your eyes
429
00:15:49,618 --> 00:15:52,516
Ilana, I'm not gonna clean this man's apartment,
430
00:15:52,617 --> 00:15:54,650
touch his things, in my underwear.
431
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:56,948
This is the last thing, we are so close.
432
00:15:57,048 --> 00:15:59,579
We are gonna be friends with Weezie.
433
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,978
I'm gonna [Bleep] him, dude.
434
00:16:02,079 --> 00:16:04,910
Who's Weezie? Lil Wayne!
435
00:16:05,012 --> 00:16:06,510
This is the whole thing!
436
00:16:06,611 --> 00:16:11,706
Listen, it is for one hour, and he's giving us $200.
437
00:16:11,807 --> 00:16:13,406
No, I can't... this is gross.
438
00:16:13,507 --> 00:16:15,039
What would you be doing instead?
439
00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:17,204
Watching "Breaking Bad" and eating a Smart Ones?
440
00:16:17,305 --> 00:16:18,970
Okay, it's a cashew stir-fry,
441
00:16:19,071 --> 00:16:21,003
and I was, like, really looking forward to it.
442
00:16:21,104 --> 00:16:23,168
I don't want to hear it, okay.
443
00:16:23,269 --> 00:16:26,532
You're losing your edge, and I wasn't gonna say anything,
444
00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:29,365
but you're not as fun as you used to be.
445
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:32,297
Guess I'll clean this dude's apartment on my own.
446
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:41,092
Yeah
447
00:16:41,193 --> 00:16:43,591
Mack I'm gonna
448
00:16:43,691 --> 00:16:44,923
a millionaire
449
00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:46,923
I'm a young money millionaire
450
00:16:47,024 --> 00:16:49,321
tougher than Nigerian hair
451
00:16:49,421 --> 00:16:52,487
my criteria compared to your career just isn't fair
452
00:16:52,588 --> 00:16:55,652
I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed
453
00:16:55,752 --> 00:16:58,083
through the pencil I leak on the sheet
454
00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,516
of the tablet in my mind
455
00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:01,915
'cause I don't write shit 'cause I ain't got time
456
00:17:02,015 --> 00:17:03,514
'cause my seconds minutes hours
457
00:17:03,616 --> 00:17:05,047
go to the almighty dollar
458
00:17:05,148 --> 00:17:06,279
and the almighty...
459
00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:07,579
Okay, hour's up, man.
460
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,779
Party's over, dude.
461
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:09,811
Money, please.
462
00:17:09,912 --> 00:17:11,111
I'm sowwy.
463
00:17:11,211 --> 00:17:12,210
I don't have any.
464
00:17:12,211 --> 00:17:13,210
Are you joking right now?
465
00:17:13,211 --> 00:17:14,976
I'm a wittle baby.
466
00:17:15,077 --> 00:17:17,774
Uh... no, you're a full grown man.
467
00:17:17,875 --> 00:17:19,707
I'm a baby, I have no money!
468
00:17:19,808 --> 00:17:21,440
You owe us $200.00.
469
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:22,804
We just cleaned for an hour.
470
00:17:22,905 --> 00:17:24,071
I don't do that at my house.
471
00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:25,136
Thank you for cleaning.
472
00:17:25,238 --> 00:17:26,402
No, no, no. What?
473
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:27,769
No thank you. No, no.
474
00:17:27,869 --> 00:17:30,268
I just degraded my friend for you,
475
00:17:30,369 --> 00:17:31,807
and I thought we were gonna be paid.
476
00:17:31,835 --> 00:17:33,199
I can pay you in blocks?
477
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:34,965
You're not a baby, you're a man!
478
00:17:35,066 --> 00:17:36,864
No.
479
00:17:36,966 --> 00:17:38,131
I'm a baby.
480
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:39,330
Oh, yeah... you're a baby?
481
00:17:39,430 --> 00:17:41,162
Does baby like this, huh?
482
00:17:44,028 --> 00:17:47,725
Babies do not read books yet!
483
00:17:47,826 --> 00:17:49,924
Are you a baby if you wear a hat?
484
00:17:50,025 --> 00:17:51,790
Full coat with fur?
485
00:17:51,891 --> 00:17:53,723
Babies don't have little... babies!
486
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,183
You want tissues to wipe your ass?
487
00:17:55,257 --> 00:17:56,788
'Cause you're a baby?
488
00:18:00,653 --> 00:18:02,919
Coat racks aren't for babies.
489
00:18:03,019 --> 00:18:04,183
Marbles.
490
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:06,951
Uh-oh.
491
00:18:09,482 --> 00:18:10,581
What?
492
00:18:10,682 --> 00:18:11,714
Look.
493
00:18:11,815 --> 00:18:13,646
I'm looking. Yeah, we saw, dude.
494
00:18:13,747 --> 00:18:15,413
I hope I never see this again.
495
00:18:15,514 --> 00:18:16,843
I don't even know.
496
00:18:16,945 --> 00:18:18,244
All right, all right, careful of the marbles.
497
00:18:18,345 --> 00:18:22,575
So I'm gonna grab this, 'cause babies don't like fur.
498
00:18:22,676 --> 00:18:23,609
Are you my fwends?
499
00:18:23,709 --> 00:18:25,206
No.
500
00:18:30,139 --> 00:18:31,537
This is David.
501
00:18:34,337 --> 00:18:37,301
Is the flight delayed?
502
00:18:37,402 --> 00:18:38,568
Was the flight delayed?
503
00:18:38,668 --> 00:18:41,798
Yeah, yeah, yeah
504
00:18:41,899 --> 00:18:43,531
Yeah, yeah, yeah
505
00:18:43,632 --> 00:18:44,791
Lil Wayne's so short, though,
506
00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:46,497
that we weren't even gonna be able to see him,
507
00:18:46,598 --> 00:18:48,396
from where we would have sat.
508
00:18:48,497 --> 00:18:49,894
I don't think I even would have recognized him.
509
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:51,594
I don't know who this guy is.
510
00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:54,692
You know, I read that he's actually better, pre-recorded.
511
00:18:54,793 --> 00:18:56,392
I just didn't want to say anything, 'cause I wanted to go.
512
00:18:56,493 --> 00:18:57,690
These spaces are so small,
513
00:18:57,791 --> 00:19:00,423
like, we would be so close, to so many strangers
514
00:19:00,523 --> 00:19:01,523
we don't know.
515
00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:03,954
Drinks are, like, so expensive, and tiny, like...
516
00:19:04,055 --> 00:19:05,687
Oh, my God, double... crap.
517
00:19:05,788 --> 00:19:07,904
Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly?
518
00:19:07,953 --> 00:19:09,553
We would be standing in line the whole concert.
519
00:19:09,653 --> 00:19:12,484
The whole time, we would be standing in a line.
520
00:19:12,584 --> 00:19:14,216
Ugh.
521
00:19:14,316 --> 00:19:16,881
Tomorrow's gonna be the day, like, I know it,
522
00:19:16,982 --> 00:19:20,413
that we're gonna look back, and be like, that was the day!
523
00:19:20,514 --> 00:19:24,511
I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day.
524
00:19:24,611 --> 00:19:26,044
Like, I'm so confident in myself,
525
00:19:26,145 --> 00:19:27,676
I feel it in my heart.
526
00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:29,775
I'm confident myself in the day.
527
00:19:29,876 --> 00:19:31,741
Yes... yeah!
528
00:19:31,842 --> 00:19:32,940
I believe in us.
529
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:34,473
Hyah... yeah!
530
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:38,305
Yes, dude! Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother.
531
00:19:38,405 --> 00:19:41,502
I would take you on my shoulders, like,
532
00:19:41,603 --> 00:19:47,765
I'd strap you up, and I'd be like, let's go through hell.
533
00:19:47,866 --> 00:19:50,498
Should we go to... mm-hmm.
534
00:19:50,599 --> 00:19:51,863
The subway.
535
00:19:51,964 --> 00:19:55,129
We'll give you some privacy.
536
00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:00,325
Enjoy your office supplies, my friend.
537
00:20:00,426 --> 00:20:01,626
They even have food now.
538
00:20:01,727 --> 00:20:02,758
Crazy, right?
539
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,557
Okay... okay, cha-cha.
540
00:20:07,224 --> 00:20:08,588
Good.
541
00:20:08,689 --> 00:20:09,922
Ah.
542
00:20:12,454 --> 00:20:13,720
Please.
543
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:14,919
Help me.
544
00:20:15,020 --> 00:20:16,751
Ay, mi amor, what happened to you?
545
00:20:21,116 --> 00:20:22,016
Oh, yeah.
546
00:20:22,116 --> 00:20:23,314
What the hell... what is this?
547
00:20:23,349 --> 00:20:25,080
Oh, it's happening.
548
00:20:26,448 --> 00:20:28,080
Why are we doing this right now?
549
00:20:28,181 --> 00:20:29,418
Hymes, you can go.
550
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:30,545
She got me.
551
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,744
I don't got her... I'm not there with you.
552
00:20:32,845 --> 00:20:35,176
Leave me one, leave me one.
553
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:37,174
Okay.
554
00:20:39,242 --> 00:20:40,773
Ilana, we drank the same amount.
555
00:20:40,875 --> 00:20:42,606
I'm so sorry.
556
00:20:42,707 --> 00:20:43,838
I always do this.
557
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:46,470
It's fine, everyone has nights like this.
558
00:20:46,571 --> 00:20:47,569
Just, if you feel like you're gonna throw up,
559
00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:48,836
just give me a heads up.
560
00:20:52,602 --> 00:20:53,732
You wanna come over and hang out?
561
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,599
We just got pizza.
562
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:56,799
What kind?
563
00:20:56,849 --> 00:21:01,399
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